#222 - Running Out The Clock | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim. Dillon show coming at you from the fall. We're in the fall. We're in the season. of apple picking and pumpkin picking and. Halloween. and other things. COVID and civil war and blah blah blah, but those take a backseat to the fall. The smells of the fall, the crisp autumn. air. It's funny to see companies market. things with the fall even though the. world is falling apart, but everyone's. still into autumn, you know? They're.

like it's the it's our last fall, but. they're like, "But it's still the fall! Get a pumpkin spice latte and throw it. in a cop! It's still the fall! The crisp smell in the air is from the. fires that are burning. homes in Oregon. or the fires as the people burn down the. courthouses. But that's okay, it's the fall. Get a. pumpkin muffin, sit on the porch, and. watch the bloodshed. It's autumn.

It's the best season. Digital school is back. Zoom school is back. It's the fall. Get your pumpkin spice latte and head on. out. It's spooky. It's Halloween time. It's going to be. It's a spooktacular. I love watching, you know, cuz we we we. can't we got to go back to some type of. normalcy even though the things are just.

batshit crazy. So everybody's just like, "Hey, it's the fall. You know what that. means? You know what's back? Pumpkin cheesecake. Who wants some. pumpkin cheesecake? You're like, "I. guess I'll all right.". Why not? Come out of cuz it's like. quarantine's ending, but it's also not. and they're re-locking down, but they're. not and nobody even knows anymore and. they're re-locking down parts in New. York, but but some of them aren't and. it's like they're locking down the hot. spots and.

you know, I'm sure that that's not going. to be a problem. Like you're locking. down the hospitals like you're locking. down spots of people that just are are. there's more COVID cases, right? So now. what if there's more COVID cases in an. area that's um. generally a specific race? Uh-oh. Cuz that's what they're doing in New. York with the Jews. Hasidic Jews are over it. Orthodox Jews. are over it. Shout out to the Hasidim.

Shout out to the Hasidim. They're over. it. Yep. They They're done. They want to be. done with it. They want to walk around. Williamsburg with those hats that I. really enjoy, the big furry hats, and. they're done. And now they're try and. now we're going to they're going to lock. them I'm a LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH. LOCKING THE JEWS DOWN. AM I WRONG? THIS is the progressive thing is to lock. the Jews down? That's the progressive ideology now?

I DON'T WANT TO LOCK ANYONE I DON'T CARE. WHAT'S GOING ON. If there's COVID. SOMEWHERE, STAY OUT OF THERE! DON'T GO! THESE HOSPITALS BETTER BE BUSY AS [ __ ]. Every nurse that I know is off. So if these hospitals are busy, I swear. to God they they better be like busy. busy. It better not be like one wing is busy. and then everything else is not. It. better be. every floor of the hospital has got to. be packed if we're going to shut down.

again. I mean, it's I'm not being. unreasonable here. If we're going to start locking down. specific areas, which is troubling to. me, little troublesome. We got to go in and lock down. Williamsburg. Wait, wait, what? This doesn't seem to be the move. Come on. They're like, "Well, the Thanksgiving. holiday, that is one lockdown I'm for.". Lock down Thanksgiving.

I want a quarantine that starts. Thanksgiving and ends the next day. Everyone in their house, no traveling. Now Now this hurts me and this is. painful for me. Many people who watch. the show and who have listened to the. show and who've been a part of me and. Benjamin's lives know how much I love my. family. How important they are to me and how. much of my success I attribute to them. and their great parenting and their.

overall general support of me. You know, their occasional emails and texts it's. so the the the support system I've had. has been just a solid foundation. And it. is sad to me. It is sad that I will not. be able to see them this year for. Thanksgiving. And And you say, "Tim, oh, we haven't. gone to Thanksgiving in 5 years." Now. that is true. Uh but what And And the reason I've been. doing that is because I've been I've. been weaning myself off like a drug.

I've been weaning myself off my family. so that this year I'm prepared to go. cold turkey and not see any of them for. the holidays. Sorry. I'm sorry. But of all the ways you can get COVID, imagine getting it from your Aunt. Cheryl. Go [ __ ] a stranger. Go buy tickets to. one of my comedy shows on my website. right now. Go to a Trump rally, they seem fun. Do. whatever you want. Go to a COVID [ __ ].

fest. Go to a kissing party. Go to a. Halloween event. Go to a glory hole, those do seem rather safe. But whatever. you do, don't get COVID because you. ended up listening to your Aunt Cheryl. talk about how great Kamala Harris is. for an hour in your in your uncle's. house while he sits there and drinks. himself to death in his chair. That is not what we need. You don't want. to be breathing heavy because you saw. your By the way, imagine if you could. get AIDS from your family. At least you.

got AIDS it was fun. For most people getting AIDS was fun. That's the problem with COVID. No one's. having any fun getting it. There are people with AIDS that are. like, "I don't regret that tensome where. I had. where I was just everywhere in which way. a dick was coming I didn't even know. where they were coming. They were. filling every orifice of my body and it. was a lot of fun. I couldn't walk for 3. weeks and yes, I have AIDS, but it was. fun." COVID is like, "How did you get.

COVID?" I took a bus to work. Wah. That's not fun, is it? Nor is it going to your family's. Thanksgiving dinner. And And by the way, and I've said this. before in the show, if you don't have. children, the holidays are not for you. If you are a single couple and you have. not procreated and you're older, if. you're younger, if you're Benjamin. Benjamin's age, him and his lovely wife, they're young enough, they're going to. have kids, they're still they're There's.

oil in the tank, so to speak. But if. you're older and you don't have any. children and you're just going to go and. sit with your family and inflict them. with all of your observations and. thoughts about the body politic, stay. the [ __ ] home, get some Chinese food, cocoon yourself in a bed, and watch NCIS. or one of those shows that are the most. popular on TV that I've never seen and. don't know what they are and wouldn't I. don't understand. I just Mark Harmon.

Everybody's getting court-martialed. It's about the Navy. I don't know. But. everybody what Go watch The Big Bang. Theory and eat General Tso's chicken. You don't have to go and get everybody. sick at [ __ ] Thanksgiving. You hear it's about it 2 days later, they'll be like, "Aunt Kathleen was a. super spreader. We're all going to die.". Thanksgiving's an event. for. people.

and. and it's not like Christmas, there's no. gifts. So. it's just a nice dinner. It's a big. dinner and it's there's something nice. about it. Everyone can celebrate it in. America. Everyone can celebrate it. Uh. it's not racial, there's no religious. connotation. You can go in, you watch a. little football, you eat a little. turkey, whatever. Most people I don't. know if antifa celebrates Thanksgiving. I imagine many of them are forced to. Many of their parents drag them to the.

somebody's house and go, "You have to. before you blow up the bank, you have to. go to Aunt Onus. She wants to see you. She hasn't seen you since you were a. child." And he's like, "Fine. Where are my fireworks?" You get them. back after the meal. You get them You get your fire You get. your fireworks back after the meal. The I imagine the Proud Boys love. Thanksgiving. They're really annoying. about it. They're like, "COME ON, IT'S. FOOTBALL!" YOU'RE LIKE, "NO. NO, we.

don't want to No, we don't want to do. that." "LET'S THROW THE BALL AROUND!". "COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU WHAT ARE YOU, TRANS?". You're like, "Hey, hey, relax Hey, relax. What's wrong with you?" "I'm in a. men's club.". Okay. What? Proud Boy antifa Thanksgiving. That'd be. a fun video. We did a fun video. about costumes and Halloween and I. dressed up like a uh. uh we I we at the end I dressed up like.

those two McCloskeys. Who were they? What are their names again? I believe. The McCloskeys, the famous. viral photo of two people standing. outside of their property with weapons. And by the way, I have no problem with. them doing that. I don't know why other. they they look fun. There they are. Now, what was going on? You had a. protest going through their. neighborhood. Let's see. This is a a wealthy area of St. Louis.

Mark and Patricia McCloskey, the Central. West End couple who confronted. protesters June 28th with a rifle and a. gun in Mayor Lyda Krewson's neighborhood. have been charged with unlawful use of a. weapon {slash} flourishing. The unlawful use of a weapon charge is a. felony and can carry up to 4 years in. prison. Gardner said in a statement that it is. illegal to wave weapons in a threatening. manner at those participating in a. non-violent protest.

And we while we are fortunate the. situation did not escalate into deadly. force, this type of conduct is. unacceptable in St. Louis. Well, I guess the protest was peaceful, but. the McCloskeys were saying, "Hey, just. in case the protest gets a little wild.". So, they were on their way to the. mayor's house. The protesters were on. their way to the mayor's house and. McCloskeys. what a great couple. Forget the way you.

feel about them politically. They're. just fun. Yeah. Any couple By the way, can you get the. picture? Go down a little bit. Go down. to the left. Go over there. Right there. This one? Yeah, get that. That to me. blow that up. This to me is is how That. is how. you make a marriage work. Right there. Just people that share values. What does he got? What is that? An AR?

It looks like he has an AR, yeah. And. she's got that Look, what is that? Baby. 380? What she got? She got a little P90? I don't know. Something. And they're out there looking at the. protesters and they got a big ass house. and they got a lot of [ __ ] money and. there's people on their way to the. mayor's house and they're probably. chanting eat the rich. And the. McCloskeys are going, "If you're going. to eat us, we're going to eat you.". And I don't know anything about I don't. know how peaceful the protest was. Maybe. it's Maybe it was uh Girl Scouts out in.

the street selling cookies. But we've seen a few of these protests. and they do get a little fun. And people's property does get damaged. quite often. So, I think I guess the. McCloskeys. Patricia McCloskey, Patty. or as I call it, Pat. Pat McCloskey and her husband. What could St. Louis Post-Dispatch. report is the pistol Pat McCloskey used. was only a prop form Oh. I'm sorry, a.

prop from a federal trial that the. couple used in a case. Both of them are. attorneys. Great. And they were on a private street the. protesters were. A source familiar with the investigation. told Five on Your Side the police did. not find any ammunition at the. McCloskeys' home and that the rifle was. not loaded when they seized it. Well, then maybe they're pretty smart. Yeah. Maybe they went out with the dummy prop. weapons. I don't know. In any event, I dressed up like the McCloskeys at the. end of the video and it was a fun.

little Halloween video. We're doing. another one. Of course, last year was. the famous Epstein Temple video. Hard to. top that. We had a costume designer. design a temple uh Jeffrey Epstein's. temple, which was it a music room? Was. it a fitness center? Was it a uh. uh uh uh a church for human sacrifice? We don't know. We don't know. But there. I am right here. The Epstein Temple was. a great Halloween costume. We drove. around for 2 days looking for those. white tights. God, that was a nightmare.

Remember that? And we just said and and. and they said, "What kind of You need. white tights?" The good thing about LA. is they can't really question you. because I could They could be like, "Why. do you need this?" And I go, "What do. you mean? I wear what I want." They're like, "Right." I would just go to Lane Bryant, the fat woman's store in LA and they. would be lovely to me. Yes. I'm going I'm I'm I am Meghan. McCain. They'd go, "Good.". They don't give a [ __ ] It's LA. They. know better than open their mouth. Show me the [ __ ] tights now.

Show me something that makes me look. svelte. And they would have to do it. So, the Lane Bryant ladies would just. walk us around Lane Bryant and I would. try on women's clothes and then the. women in Lane Bryant would be like, "Eh, it doesn't matter. Everyone's fat. anyway.". Nobody at Lane Bryant's really paying. attention to anyone else. Right. Everybody's just like, you know, nobody's thrilled to be in Lane Bryant. They were kind of They were nice. Kind. The staff was kind. The other women in. there are like they're helping me try on. things. They don't care. They're like, "We're all in it together.".

This guy's a cross-dresser, you know. They're all fat theater chicks. It's. great. I miss Lane Bryant. I'm sad it. closed. I wish I could shop at Lane. Bryant all the goddamn time. If they open Lane Bryant up again, I'm. back in there with those kind fat. theater chicks that are nice. They just want to hang out with gay guys. and eat mozzarella sticks and they hope. no one at the After every. After every. show, there's a a wrap party or. whatever, you know, you know, after tech.

rehearsal, dress rehearsal, everybody. goes to the diner and then there's the. fat theater chicks sit there and they. just don't want anyone to notice how. many mozzarella sticks they've had. And they do that by continually calling. attention to They'll be like, "Oh my. god, have I had Have you had Have you. had Have I I think I've had two. Have I. had two?" And you're like, "We know. you're going You just eat it.". Cheryl, eat it. But I like them at Lane Bryant. I wish I. could be [ __ ] back there being.

treated with some goddamn respect. But I can't. I should show up to Thanksgiving. By the. way, this should be the only. Thanksgiving I could set to going to cuz. it doesn't happen. Last year my family did like a Zoom. dumb thing or they did a Zoom Easter. Oh, man. Not last year, but you know, a. few months ago. They did a Zoom Easter. And nobody knows what's going on. Half the people in my family are drug. addicts. They're like. They just see them staring. They're like.

I'm like, "Are they okay? Do they need. help?". They're in some just living in their own. filth. We see that their Zoom background. is just a mattress on the floor. They're. like. HAPPY EASTER, HONEY. HAPPY EASTER. THEY'RE MID-OVERDOSE. TRYING to get the words happy Easter out. of their mouth. Foaming at the mouth. I'm like, "Who. needs this? Get me out of here." I didn't even go. into it. Somebody screenshotted and sent.

it to me. I said, "I will not be. participating." By the way, listen to. this. My stepmother sends me a thing. today. She sends me a link. Goes, "My. mother's turning 80. Can you make her a. video?". What do you want me to wish her a happy. birthday as Epstein's temple? What do you want me to do? So, I They You know these things now. where it's like somebody's birthday. everybody has to make a video and send. it to them. Yes. Hi. Thinking of you. Wish we could be there. So, I just, you know, I have my glasses on. I'm like.

Hey, Dorothea. We love you. Stay strong. I said stay strong. Like she's. The woman has cancer. Just your. birthday. My black glasses on. I'm like, "Dorothea, I love you. Stay strong. Better days ahead." This is what I say. I don't even realize what I'm saying. I. go Stay strong. Like literally she got. diagnosed with a disease. I'm just. wishing her a happy birthday. She's. actually in great health. Probably in. much better health than me. Imagine that. a fat guy telling you to stay strong.

Right. Like I'm I look like I'm literally dead. and I'm like, "Dorothea, stay strong. Better days ahead.". I go better days ahead and then I go. stay safe. And then I I swear to god I. go like this. I go. See you on the other end. And then I finally say happy birthday. It's the most cryptic and disturbing. message. I didn't know what to say and. then I'm like, "Done." And then I just. hit send cuz I don't want to edit it in. So, literally the whole video is, "Hey, Dorothea.

Stay strong. Better days ahead. I'll see. you on the other end.". Out. And then probably cuts to somebody. who's like, "Happy birthday. We love. you.". And it's It's literally sandwiched in. between two peppy happy birthdays. It's. like, "Happy birthday. Happy birthday to. you." And then they cut to me and I'm. like, "Dorothea, stay strong. When I make it, I'll send word for you. Stay safe. Better days ahead." Just in.

black glasses and then it cuts to. somebody being like, "Happy birth How. old are you now?" I look like I'm in a. safe house. I'm just laying on on my bed. like this uh top. Uh-huh. Hey. Happy birthday. I I can barely breathe. I think I have COVID. I'm like, "Happy. birthday." I smoked too many cigarettes. last night. I'm like, "Happy birthday. Stay safe. Better days ahead. Hope to see you on the other side.". It's just the darkest.

sunglasses? I'm wearing black sunglasses. cuz I was outside in the pool and then I. get this message like, "Hey, you got a. You got to wish this woman happy. birthday cuz she gives a fuck.". They ask my cut They asked a couple of. my cousins who were on heroin. They're. on smack. They've met her twice. When. when you have a divorced family, nobody. knows who anyone else is. What if they're going to ask her FOR. MONEY? HI. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DOROTHEA. I've run into some hard times and I I.

want to let you know if I give you my uh. bank account numbers, is there any way. you can send a wire here? Could you send a wire here, please? I'm. suffering and I need [ __ ] help. That's great. How great would it be? Next time somebody asks you to do one of. those video birthday messages, do. something like that, you know? Especially if you don't know the person, you're kind of annoyed by it. I know. this woman, I love her. She's a. phenomenal woman. She lived in like. anyone who's lived in London. Her and. her husband are great. Her husband's. great because he.

doesn't give a [ __ ] Like he's argued in. front of the Supreme Court. He's rude. He belittles people. He ruins holidays. And there's no archetype of person that. I like more than that. He did a thing. where he would bring he had this game. they would play after the holidays where. he would bring a a thing that nobody. knew what it was and you would pass it. around and you got to ask him a question. about it. You'd be like, was this you. was this a tool? Was this used whatever?

And. was this used in food production? And. you would ask him a question and you'd. get to go around the table and then. somebody would guess what it was and. they would move on. This game got so. competitive that he was banned from. doing it. Because it got so because he would he. would be so specific about the answers. he would give like he was in a. courtroom. Like if somebody would say was this in. food production he'd be like, no. And. then you'd find out it kind of was but. it was involved in the harvesting as a.

like he was so specific that people. would get pissed off and then people go, hey man, I [ __ ] kind of said that. didn't I? And he'd be like, well, you. didn't. And he'd be like, words matter and what. you did and they would start fighting. So he was banned from doing this. Like. they had to come And by the way, he. wasn't doing it at his own parties. He. was bringing it in our family. He he was. just bringing it to our like people he. didn't know that well and getting and it. got fiercely competitive. And and his. name is Henry. I think he's great. And.

they would go like they would be like um. he'd say at the end of the night he'd be. like, do you want to play the game? And. everyone's like, oh, let's go play. Henry's game. And then like 30 to 40. minutes in it had gone around five. times. Nobody gotten it. And he'd. refuse. He'd be like, send it around. again. And it would just be this little weird. pipe thing or. and he always brought three or four of. them. We'd only get to like one of them. cuz also a lot of people in my family. were [ __ ] So they have no idea. They have no idea what it. They'd hold up like this little thing.

like a little lever thing, you know? And. they'd be like, did you find it in outer. space? And he'd be like, no. I'm like, we're. going to be here for the rest of the. night unless you ask some good. questions. You know, but they're all drunk and. idiots. I have lawyers in my family who are like. not lawyers. I have people with law. degrees. My aunt has a law degree, doesn't practice. They've set up in the. basement a fake law. You want to talk. about fake business? A fake desk where.

she thinks SHE'S PRACTICING LAW. AND THERE'S NOTHING she's nothing's. happening. She's a pretend attorney in the basement. of the house. This is the tragedy of the Irish. No one tells her that she's not. practicing law. She's never seen a. courtroom. She sits She's worked at a. few law firms and they keep throwing her. out because she's a problem. And so she. sits downstairs and gets wine drunk and. pretends to do law. I don't even know. what that entails. There's like files on.

the desk. She's got phones. She said once she. goes, we got to put a few phone lines in. for the business. What? Bit the. business? But this is So these are the people who. are asking the questions of this really. smart guy and he's a fiercely liberal. guy but very smart. Tough to get in an. argument with him. He was like a Cuban. orphan or something. Laudable life story. He's like one of. those guys who like he's a dick but he's. earned the right to be a dick cuz he's. so [ __ ] smart and he's really lived a. hell of a life, right? But he used to.

just throw everyone into a rage with. that game. But if you have to record. one of these videos. you got to just you know, when when it's. you know, when you do it when you hit. record you got to go. Hey Jocelyn, happy birthday. Times are. not I know you and Frank are not doing. well either but I'd really like some. help. So I'm asking I know it's your birthday. but I'm asking you for help. So for the.

love of God, please give me a call. I. haven't heard from you in months. Send. something. The kids are going to bed. hungry. Like something like that cuz then by the. way, it would cut right after that too. Happy birthday Justin. Like it's fun. I. think it's rude to ask people for video. messages. Just assume people kind of love you. Which is what a family is. A family is a bunch of people who kind.

of love each other. I don't want to see anyone die. That's. the the standard of love in most. families. Yeah, I don't want to see anyone get. demolished in a car wreck. But what else? That's the standard of love in most. family. Yes, I would be very upset. When I say very upset, I would be. bothered. Let's let's take it down. I.

would be bothered if one of my family. members was mangled in a wreck. You know what I mean? Like I would be. I would not. I would feel bad for. the other people involved. and and I would say that's not good. I would call Benjamin and I go, that's. not good. But then we start talking about sponsors. and ads quickly because you'll move on. You'll move on from these things. I. mean, people are asking me to do to.

birthday videos. I haven't seen these. people in six months. We're done. already. If you don't see people in the flesh, this is the problem. If we go through. the holidays this year and you don't see. anybody, you're kind of done. You're. out. You're not you don't go back next. year. If you're out for a year, it's hard to. go back. Now obviously, you can go back. Many of you will go back cuz you're. weak. But if you've gone the full year. and you're going to do holidays on your. own and you're going to realize that you.

can do that. Most people don't think. they can do a holiday on their own. I've. I've I've gone out to dinner with. people. My mother didn't like my father's family. cuz they all used to drink and she would. instead take pills. So they she didn't like that. She she. didn't like you know, she didn't like. that they were. drinking all the time and she just. wanted to take Sudafed in the diner. Hot. soft to mom. And she would go have Thanksgiving by. herself at 3:00 p.m. at a diner in Long. Island. They do a nice job. They do a.

good job. It's tragic either way. If you're sitting next to some drunk. who's gargling some problem she has with. another family member from 20 years ago. or if you're sitting alone at a diner. eating cranberry sauce all piled up. Whichever way you cut the turkey, it's a. [ __ ] day. So you don't have to. You see what I'm getting at here, folks.

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one, I don't know what you're doing at. this point. You got to have a VPN. How are you GOING TO WATCH CUTIES? GO TO expressvpn.com/timdillon. to get 3 months free. And I believe that. that is a great deal. That is a good. deal. Donald Trump is moonwalking. He seems uh uh. ebullient. Mhm. He seems. The polls are not good. But the polls.

weren't good in 2016. But the polls. might The national polls have Biden at a. 9-point lead. That's probably what they. had Hillary at. Pennsylvania's got Biden up. Florida's. got Biden up. Michigan's got Biden up. Mhm. Democrats have taken an early lead in. voting. Here's the way I feel about this. election, cuz many people are asking me. the way I feel about this election, okay?

This is the way I feel about this. election. We're at a point now in this country. where imagine the the country is a. corporation. Half the people in the corporation are. convinced that the CEO is trying to kill. them. Now, whether that is true or not, it's. becoming a very tough company to run. Do you understand? And the CEO is tweeting out occasionally. like, "Maybe I'll kill you." And you're. going,

"Hey, this seems. unnecessarily incendiary. Does it not?". And the other guy that might want to run. the company is the guy that sniffs. everyone's wife's uh stiletto heels and. is asleep. And then one guy is tweeting, "I'm going. to I may kill everyone lol, but I won't, wink wink.". And then the other guy's like asleep and. dead. And those are the choices of who's going.

to run this failing corporate And by the. way, it's a company where where we make. things that nobody wants anymore. We. make Pogs. We're a company that makes pa- Remember. Pogs? Remember those? Pogs? Yes. Yes, and slammers and spin- They was a. major thing when I was a kid. Nobody wants them, and they were major. They were collect- This is before. Pokémon, before any of that. People. remember Pogs. America as a company.

right now manufactures Pogs. It's just That's the election. Trump has not done a great job at. leading the company. He hasn't. Leading the company is not all about. the. ideas of the person, which Trump a lot. of them I don't know how many ideas. he has that are.

doable or that he cares about trying to. do. But it's also about like, what about. just the day-to-day. psyche of an environment? Have you ever. worked in an office? And then the person who's leading the. company ha- Like, there was a guy, rest. his soul, Mike McKew, used to run a. company I worked for. The guy was a was. a built, chubby, Irish guy. You felt. good when you went to work at this.

mortgage company, because it was a legit. company on Long Island, and he had. started it out of college, and he was. like a respectable guy that you wanted. to respect you. And. he just acted the way a CEO should act. That's the way he acted, right? I didn't. know him. I didn't have that many. dealings with him. But let's just. imagine that that. the what I observed was a guy who's I. when they like, "That's the guy who runs. the company." I went, "Right.". Right. He didn't get drunk at the.

Christmas party, threaten to kill the. staff. He didn't say that the other mortgage. company should go to hell. You know, like it was just a it was a a. level of. decorum that he had. And everybody goes, "That doesn't matter." Well, it does. matter if you don't want to live in an. insane asylum. I don't care what this. guy tweets. But yeah, this is the thing. California's going to hell, vote Trump. New York's going to hell, vote Trump. You know, I said on Twitter the. president shouldn't be doing this, and. everybody got mad at me. They're like,

"Well, he's right." You know, and it's. like it doesn't matter. whether he's right or not. And by the. way, the country's going to hell, so he. could just list all 50. Go down the. list. All 50. And that's not even his fault. I don't know that he's helping. But when. I said that, people got mad at me. They're like, "Well, the pre- I'm like, the president It should just may- It's. maybe not a good idea to say that states. are going to hell. Because maybe our enemies and the people.

who wish to do us harm might feel that. we're a bit fractured. They might go, "What's going on over. there?" He goes, "New York has gone to. hell." He goes, "Illinois has no place. to go. Sad, isn't it? Vote Trump.". This is the this is the reasoning he's. giving. If you don't want to go to hell, vote. for me. He's a lot of fun. Yeah. W- If he goes, it'll be But it's it's becoming. you know, how do you Are you that invested in this.

that you want to deal with the whining. and the yelling and the screaming and. the nonsense? And and if it was all. ridiculous, like if he wasn't pouring. any fuel on this fire, which which he. is, you would understand it. You'd be. like, "Hey, they're [ __ ] nuts." And I. think the other side is bad to the bone. bad. The only reason that I think it. might be you just might him losing might. take the foot off the gas is cuz I think. Kamala Harris is going to be the. president, and then eventually it's just. going to be Obama 2, and nothing is.

going to get done. The country's going. to be destroyed. It's not going to. matter anyway. But. it will be somewhat livable during that. period. It won't be nearly Trump's not. turning it around. He's not turning it. around. I I don't know what I who I have. to tell this to. He's not turning it. around. Okay, maybe he wants to. Maybe, let's say let's say that, for example, during his years as a.

uh you know, philandering billionaire, he was actually thinking about the. American worker, and now he's finally. got the chance to prove that. I- The. forces, let's say that, which I don't. believe, but let's say that. The forces. in the mechani- He just can't get. anything done. He's too volatile. Um. Kamala Harris is going to come in, and I. don't know what happens. But I'd really. like to go back to apathy. Let's go back to Let's return to apathy. No. No.

No. We want to be activists forever. No, you don't. Where were you during Obama? You were doing. You were in Brooklyn. You were in the in. these cities in these rapidly. gentrifying cities. And many of you were. on stage doing comedy with funny hats. and canes. And you were dressed up like. flappers in the '20s. So, you didn't. give a [ __ ] You just want to not go You. want to go back You want to go to a. place where you cannot You don't have to. give a [ __ ] anymore. And by the way, I. want you to go there, too. I want you to go there quickly.

So, I don't even care anymore. Elect. Kamala Elect Beyoncé. Just shut the [ __ ]. up. What will make you happy? NOTHING. HAS EVER CHANGED. WHAT will do it for you? Go swim in a. [ __ ] lake. What will do it for you. people? WHEN WILL YOU [ __ ] REALIZE. IT'S NOT UP TO THEM? It's up to you. You. do something you like. I don't know what. to tell you. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. BUT YOU IT'S ALL THE THEY'RE IT'S THE. PRESIDENT'S COMING. We win, you lose.

You're wasting your lives talking about. this horse [ __ ]. But whatever, keep doing it. So, that's. where I am at this election. I mean, if. Trump wins again, I'm going wake UP AND. GO, "GOD, TRUMP'S IN AGAIN." If Biden. and Kamala win, I'll go, "Yeah, they're. in again." I'm just going to look out my. window and and hopefully it's all not. burning, and if it is, I'll get in my. car and drive away. That's how I feel about the election. If. I can, or I'll be taken out of that car. and beaten to death in the street.

But either way, that's how I feel about. the election. This war you're all. fighting isn't real. It's on your computers. It's not an. actual war. Yes, I think you should get health. insurance. I thought Bernie Sanders would have been. an interesting guy to elect. Why? He's outside of the system and I don't. know that Bernie would have been able to. get anything done that he wanted to get. done. But giving people health care,

giving people a certain safety, sense of. security, so that they don't have to. [ __ ] go bankrupt when they get sick, is as good a reason to pay taxes as I. can think of. It's better than bombing. Pakistani weddings. for a terror war that is pretend. Remember that? That's pretend. That's. another thing that's pretend. It's a. fake terror war. They It's It's all a pretend. This is a school play for billionaires.

And you people get invested in it all. the time. You don't have anything else. to do. You're bored. Get a hobby. The great Ray Kump says it all the time. Get a hobby. Learn how to master tennis. I don't know. It's not my business. But I just want I want this election to. You know what I want to win? I want. apathy to win. Let's go back to that. Because. you You know, Stan had a great point. When they talked to Stan, they're like, "Why don't you care anymore?" He's like,

"Remember when I cared and it did. nothing?". Right. Yeah. So, you people caring is maybe making it. worse. It actually might be making it. worse. Yes. Oh, Tim, well, you're rolling over. You're saying that the elites should. just be uh. Guys, I you know, I don't know what you. think you're doing. I don't know what. effect you think you're having. Between and and and and and.

and and and and. and. I don't know what you're going to do. Yes, should women get abortions? Yes. Is. this [ __ ] uh Amy. Coney Island hot dog, whatever her name. is? Is she going to come in here and. start you you putting babies back in the. puss? I DON'T KNOW. I hope not. I don't think it's going to happen. Roe. v. Wade hasn't been overturned since. 1965. Are they going to make it harder. to get an abortion? I Maybe. I don't I. hope not. Are they going to reverse gay. marriage? I hope not. Is it possible?

Sure. I think uh these decisions would. go to the states. The majority of the. states would have them. I think it's the. [ __ ] up social conservatism [ __ ] I'm. not in for any of that. But I'm not in. for any of it. I'm not in for any of it. The Supreme Court also, for the most. part, these social issues that everybody. talks about, they that obscures the fact. that what the Supreme Court really does. is protect the interests of. multinational corporations. That's what. they really do. But you don't hear about. those decisions, cuz everybody's talking. about the great debate about the should. a baby be able to transition in the.

womb? And it's like, yeah, it's an. interesting question, but also, how. about the company that's giving you. cancer and killing you? What are they. allowed to do? Well, they're allowed to. do anything they damn well please. The. Supreme Court's also doing that [ __ ]. Can you get politics out of your goddamn. heads for a minute. and enjoy it? Can you enjoy the descent? Enjoy it. Remember.

when. you had a party. and you couldn't clean up the next day. and you heard the doors of your parents'. car shut? There was a moment of sheer terror, followed by a moment of almost immediate. acceptance. We're caught. We're done. Then you just started worrying about. what was it going to be? A grounding? Who knows? Maybe they had fun on their.

trip. Maybe they'd be lenient. But after. that moment of sheer terror, you were. like. you looked around at the house and you. knew it was so bad that you It wasn't. one or two things you could grab. There. was so much [ __ ] They're They knew what. was happening. They're They're going to. get you and you just had to kind of. release yourself and go, "Hey, man. Sorry, we had a party. We party That's what you're going to. tell your children. We had a party for. 50 years. We did it on cheap credit. Uh we did it by going all around all.

over the world and doing things we. should not have been doing. Bad bad. things. We had a 50-year party. We. bought homes and cars and we mortgaged. them and we put them on credit cards and. we took out lines of credit. We took out. big mortgages. We built big beautiful. cities and then stopped giving a [ __ ]. about them. And we we financed this. with. expansion. uh you know, that was you know, financed. by war and deceit and fraud. And then we.

also, you know, did this on the backs of. of immigrants that we pay slave labor. to. And we did a lot of bad things. And. there were good things that came with. that, sure. But we've had a party. We had a big. party. And the party was fun and the. music of the party was fun. Well, now the music's not too fun at the. party anymore, cuz everybody Nobody can. sing anymore. You turn on the music and. everybody's like,

"Help me. Help me." And you go, "This. isn't This isn't that fun anymore.". And you used to be able to turn on the. TV at the party and see some fun stuff. and chuckle and go. But you can't, cuz you turn on the TV. and it's CHELSEA HANDLER LIKE, "YOU'RE. WHITE. YOU'RE WHITE." SO, that's not fun. anymore, either. And the party itself is. starting to feel not too fun anymore. But then there are people at the party. that are going, "WE CAN KEEP THE PARTY. GOING IF YOU COME into this room." And.

you go, "What's in this room?" And you. go, "Well, there's a million words you. can't say and you can't look at each. other and you can't have any feelings, thoughts, or expressions. And here's a. little chip and we're putting it in your. ass. And do you have coronavirus? And. put on your mask and don't speak. And if. you have a business, you can't run it. Stand in the corner and look at the. [ __ ] floor. And then And there's. other people that are going, "Well, we. can keep the party going, too. But you. got to come in this room." And what And. I go, "What do you do in this room?" We. just jump around without the music. And.

we can If you say there is no music, we. kill you. We just say the party's going. and it's fun. And then you go, "Well, if I point out. that the food sucks and there's no. music, then we say, 'No, dummy. Did you. read Q? There isn't supposed to be music. at this party. Music's the devil.'" And. you go, "What? What about food?" You go, "You don't need any [ __ ] food. Q. provides you all the nutrition you. need." And you go, "So, I have a choice. between one of two of these rooms or you. could just sit in the living room and. wait for the parents." And you know who.

the parents are going to be? President. Xi and China. And when THEY OPEN THAT. [ __ ] DOOR AND THEY SAY, "WE'RE HERE,". YOU'RE GOING TO SAY, "MOMMY AND DADDY, I. LOVE YOU. I'M SO [ __ ] SORRY. I COULD. HAVE GONE WENT ONE OF THESE ROOMS with. the crazy people, but I decided to sit. here and stay here and wait for you. I'M. SO SORRY. THE KIDS FROM SCHOOL BROUGHT. PEOPLE I DIDN'T KNOW AND THEY STARTED. DRINKING AND SMOKING AND THROWING LAMPS.

AND THEY STARTED BUYING HOUSES AND CARS. AND GOING TO WAR WITH OTHER HOUSES. AND. I DIDN'T CONSENT to any of that. I just. listened TO MUSIC. I WAS JUST TRYING TO. GET MY DICK SUCKED IN THE CLOSET. I'M. TRANS, BY THE WAY. AND THEN, MOMMY AND. DADDY, WE DIDN'T KNOW. WE DIDN'T KNOW.". And then Mommy and Daddy are going to. say something in Chinese and then. they're going to zap you and you're. going to fall to the floor and they're. going to give you a social credit score. And you're going to say, "Well, it is. what it is, folks, CUZ THE PARTY'S. [ __ ] OVER.".

THERE ARE people. who don't invite me to things. And I'm always. I always don't know why. I'm always. confused. as to why a lot of these Hollywood. parties, the hype house, the sway house, the. TikTok houses, the content creators, don't really. involve me. And I want I want because I want to be. there with them dancing as it all goes.

down. You know, I want it to end. I want. as it ends, I want to be. cuz it's There's no more fitting way to. go than to just kind of. to rock out and to dance and to just. kind of enjoy yourself. I mean, what are we supposed to do? Do Do what. you can for the people in your life. Make the change you can. Run for. something. Run for something local. Make. local change. I'm not telling you to be. a cynical [ __ ] and sit in your house and. do nothing. I'm telling you to stop. every 4 years investing yourself. Put. your tits away, Amy Schumer and.

everybody else that's taking your tits. out to Here's Here's my taint for. voting. Like, what are we doing? Well, what is this? I'm naked and so you. should vote cuz I'm naked. Put your. clothes on. I don't understand this. I mean, I'm I'm just saying. that you should skip Thanksgiving this. year because the threat of coronavirus. is real. That's all. That's all I'm trying to say here.

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get rid of them. You're going to step. down. You're going to use less and less, and then you're going to be done. Once. you break the physical That's the. hardest thing about smoking. The lighting of the cig- I mean, I want. one now. The lighting of the cigarette, the the. the indulgence, the the whole thing, you. know? It's a ritual. It's a ritualistic. behavior. The smoke, the lighting, the. lighter, the whole thing. So, once you get rid of that, a lot of. your addiction is gone. It's true, once. you go to the lozenges, okay? So, I will say this. You got to go to. lucy.co, promo code TIM, lucy.co, and.

use promo code TIM. Rid- um I'm sorry. My my voice doesn't. even sound good today. We got to do it. together. Hold on. Let me take Let me. take some. Let me take some water. By the way, we were just We were just at. Dairy Queen, Mhm. and we had this mocha. cookie fudge. We usually we go to Dairy. Queen, we eat three small blizzards, and. then try them all. Eat them all. Don't. try them all. We eat them all. We got a pumpkin, we got a mocha fudge, and we got uh The strawberry.

chocolate covered strawberry. Yeah, the best one. Now, that was the. the best one. The mocha fudge Yeah, I. want to comment. It's like everything. that's coffee flavored now just assaults. you with coffee. Everything tastes like. it has a shot of espresso in it. Häagen-Dazs coffee ice cream is amazing. cuz it's a light [ __ ] touch. Man, if. you want to drink a cup of coffee, you. want to have a cup of coffee. Other than. that, give me a light [ __ ] touch, please. Give me something a little a. little bit more subdued. You don't have to throw a fuck- You. don't have to grind the coffee bean down.

my throat, which is what the mocha fudge. thing does at Dairy It's too much. It's too intensely coffee. We want a caffe latte feel. A little. little cream, a little milk in that. [ __ ]. Right? Mhm. Yes or yes? Okay, ready? Are you ready? Uh. Ridge wal- How did you [ __ ] that up? I. said, "Are you ready?". 3. I'm not going to do it. Look at me. We don't have to do 1 2 3.

Ridge wallet. Yum. And what we do there is we take the uh. the the uh Ruby Tuesday What is it? Applebee's? Ruby Tuesday's? It's uh Red Robin. Red Robin. Such a difference between all these uh. gourmet institutions. Red Robin's slogan. is the slogan the American people. deserve. Yes. Yum. Not even like, "Hey, we've got. things." It's yum. It's humming. It's. like It's like if you're advertising a. product to a dog or a cat.

Mhm. Red Robin. Yum. And you know what I hear? Every time I hear that, and I could be. wrong. This is what I hear. I hear, "Red. Robin, you're fat.". Yum. You know what Ridge wallet is. I mean, why are we even doing this still? They. email me. They owe us money. Ridge wallet is a [ __ ] metal wallet. I mean, you know, should I climb through. the [ __ ] screen and and try to. physically attack you in your home? It.

is a front pocket wallet. It is minimal. It is sleek. It comes in a lot of the. Give me this [ __ ] thing. It's Ridge. wallet, dummies. We've done this for. [ __ ] 10 years. Here it is. You have a. few credit cards that I won't show. See, you It's There's not a lot of room, so. you got to pair down, simplify your life. by putting it in this little thing. And. you got a few cards, maybe your lawyer's. number, whatever. You can fit some stuff. in there. You can fit five credit cards. I mean, you can fit a lot. go a lot fatter than that if you want.

go a lot fatter than this, but you don't. need You don't want to. Right. And this is cool. What is this one? What. kind of metal is this? Oh, this one is. the Let's see here. I think this one is the. titanium. Titan- You know what I like to do? You You put it like this. Brass knuckle. I mean, you could. It would hurt like. hell. It would hurt. What if you just did this, and you you. mash it in someone's face?

It's But here's what's so easy. We don't have sanitizer, but if you had. sanitizer, you just go like this. Mhm. And you've sanitized your entire wallet. Instead of this big leather contraption. that isn't, you know, This helps our. show. If you buy the Ridge wallet, this. helps our show. Uh if we don't If they. don't give us big money next year, I'm. we're walking because I I quite frankly. have had enough. I mean, I They're great wallets. They're. great. The team has them. We just got. Dan one. We got a good backpack from. them. But this is the move here. You go. to ridge.com/tim,

and use the code TIM. Don't do it. without the code. My father bought four. of them without the code, and I swear to. god, I was looking at this [ __ ]. boomer [ __ ] during lunch, and I said, "Did you use the promo code?" He goes, "No, I forgot." I said, "You bought four. Ridge wallets and didn't use my promo. code." These people never stop [ __ ]. you. Your parents never stop destroying. you unless you let them. You must You I. mean, unless you make them. Mhm. So, here it is. Look at that. It's. tough. You hear that? It's a Ridge. wallet. It's a Ridge wallet. It just.

breaks. No, this is a Ridge wallet. I've had it for a year. It's Still. works. tough wallet, dude. Ben drops [ __ ] all. the time. I drop [ __ ] We're messy. people. It's It's It's a great wallet. So, if you go to ridge.com/tim, TIM, link in the description, put it. away. ridge.com, slick in the description. Uh you will You will get What do you get. here? You get 10% off. Will you pieces of [ __ ] just do this? You get 10% off and free worldwide. shipping and returns. Am I wrong?

Mhm. So, if you get free worldwide shipping. and returns, and you get 10% off, I. mean, am I wrong, or is that a good. [ __ ] deal? I feel like you have nothing to lose. I. don't think you have a goddamn thing to. lose. What's wrong? If you don't like. it, you I think you can send it back. I. mean, everybody loves it. There's not. one person I've ever. Mhm. seen that was upset about a I did. give it to someone. who wasn't. thrilled, but it wasn't about the. wallet. It was cuz I gave it to them, and then they got necrotizing fasciitis,

and lost. one leg and two arms. And the next time I saw them, I tried to. like gloss over that. Yeah. And it was a flesh-eating bacteria. disease, and they had They They had They. had the two arms and one leg on. So, they just had the one leg. I think that. was ready to go, too. And I kind of glossed over it, and I was. like, "How's the wallet?" And they were. like, "I don't have [ __ ] I can't even. find it. I don't have arms, you selfish. fuck." So, that was the only complaint, and I don't think it was about the. wallet. It was just about the fact that.

they. could no longer enjoy the product. And I inquired about it, and they were. nasty to me. ridge.com/tim, TIM. Thank you. We've got a lot of great guests coming. up. I'm very excited. Some secret guests. coming up that are going to be a lot of. fun. I'm really pumped that we're back out on. the road, Tampa, Florida, Palm Beach. Let's get the dates up, baby.

Side Splitters in Tampa, Tuesday, October 20th through the 21st, Wednesday, West Palm Beach, Florida, October 22nd through the 24th. That's a. weekend. Chicago, Illinois, October. 27th, Wednesday, the 28th. Ok- Oklahoma City, October 29th through. the 31st. Kansas City, Missouri, November 10th and 11th. Denver, Colorado, November 12th through. Saturday, the 14th. The last bit of. dates, and then I'm hibernating {slash}. podcasting for the winter. A lot of. great guests coming up. A lot of fun.

A lot of fun and a lot of enjoyable. times and moments that we will all have. together. You can avoid your family. You can do a Zoom if you want to do it. with your family. It'll be a fun election. We'll talk. about it. I will have fun. We're going. to have fun with it here. Everybody else. is going to get mad. They're going to. tell you to vote. I don't care you vote. for. I don't care. I don't care if you. don't vote. I don't care. Imagine. caring. Imagine car- Imagine being at lunch and.

caring. You're not going to take my life. That's. the way I feel. You're not going to ruin. my life. I'm on Twitter. I'm on all these things. You're not going to ruin my life. I. don't care what you do. I am a being. that's having a wild experience on the. planet. I wish that realization for you. I wish that realization for all of you. out there that you're not subject to all. this [ __ ] It's not real. But. quarantine.

You know, we went to New York to like. you got a quarantine and you got to fill. out you know I put the cat in the hat. I. folded it up. You fold it up like. origami. You put it they have these. things in a suggestion box. You put it. gives a [ __ ] cares. This state's too god damn sloppy to be. fascist. Everyone's too fat. They can't put the they can't find their. gun. It's stuck in a roll of fat. It's. it's going to get bad but it won't get. bad for a while. It's pretty bad now but.

I mean real bad. I mean like can't leave. your house bad. So enjoy the time you. have left. These laws and [ __ ] you think. you're it's it's they're not there's no. teeth to many of them. Some of them there is teeth to and some. of them are going to be worse and if you. can stop and by all means if you can. stop people if you can get us all of our. freedoms back I'm. I'd like that. I'd love that. But up until that point I'm not going to. ruin and waste I don't know how many.

hours days minutes I have in this earth. None of us do. How many tweets do you. want to read about Amy Coney Barrett? How many? How many tweets do you want to read. about Joe Biden's crack addict son in. the Ukraine? Who's [ __ ] stealing money and smoking. crack and by the way good for him. He. had fun. Do you see is he alive still or. no? Yeah. Oh, Hunter? Yeah, he's alive. He's. the alive the the one that didn't smoke. crack died. Ain't that the way?

yeah, yeah. I just cough after going on I don't know. how much time. Do you have any water? Is that water? What happened? That's okay. We don't I. don't need it. I don't need it. We're. we're almost done here. I just yell so much and then sometimes I. don't. I get frustrated. You know my aunt sent. me a pumpkin with an I voted sticker on. It's like will you grow up? I love her but come on. You've only got a few more you listen we. all.

we might not have that many years of. going outside left. We might not have that many years of. going outside left and you people are. talking about Amy Coney Barrett. Go swim while you can. Go hike while you. can. Go fish while you can. Go [ __ ]. while you can. Go enjoy the world while. you can. Go have dinner with friends. while you can. I'm telling you I'm not. I'm not even kidding. This is not a. joke. We're in a whole heap of [ __ ]. And if you don't want to enjoy whatever.

time any of us have left on this [ __ ]. planet we could all get this disease. tomorrow and drop dead. They could send. another 5G reboot of this disease. I'm. not being a conspiracy whacko. I'm. saying who the [ __ ] knows what's the. next Corona. Corona what is it COVID-19? What oh COVID-20 might be the one. Right. That might be the one where you get it. and you fall down in the middle of the. [ __ ] street. So if you're driven to be an activist. God bless you. If you're faking it which. you are.

relax. Experience real friendship. Make. a real friend. You know? Like Dan who I. [ __ ] go on the road with who's. [ __ ] great dude who comes on the. Patreon and everybody on the Patreon. loses their mind cuz I'm not yelling for. a whole hour and I let a person make a. human point for a minute and then maybe. I have a friend and we're we're out. there on the we're trying to have a nice. conversation about it and everybody's. like maybe THIS GUY SHOULD KILL HIMSELF. I YELL every episode. One at one episode.

I take a minute to say hey this is. what's been going on and. and YOU'RE LIKE HEY. WHERE'S THE UNFOCUSED RAGE? Here it is. You got it here. But make a friend. Go to me and this kid. are doing stand up comedy in a weird. [ __ ] world traveling all over the. place having a lot of fun laughing our. asses off enjoying our [ __ ] lives.

We don't know when they're ending. We. don't know. But we're going to [ __ ]. laugh our asses off until they do. I. wish that for a lot of people that. literally get in touch with something. spiritual whatever the for me it's. making people laugh. For you I don't. know what it is. I don't know what and I. don't tell people it's not the Gary Vee. experience. I'm not going to tell you. what to do. I'm not going to tell you. that you know what's spiritual start a. vape company or a hoodie I don't know. But if it is it is.

But you're ruining and wasting your. [ __ ] lives. Every [ __ ] day you do. you start and you're fighting you're. fighting with people in your family that. you you you you might like if you didn't. hate each other for no reason cuz you. have different opinions on Nancy Pelosi. a woman who you've never met either side. of your family's never met her. whether you love her or hate her she. doesn't give a [ __ ] about you. During. the remember she was giving a tour at. [ __ ] gelato in her [ __ ] freezer. and she lives in San Francisco it's. Talenti. That's basic [ __ ] [ __ ] Okay? That's a foodie city and you're the.

[ __ ] speaker of the [ __ ] house. Why don't you get some real [ __ ] ice. cream in there? Okay? You 119 year old. Remember when a bird flew into her. Georgetown [ __ ] townhouse and she had. to chase it around? That bird was trying. to drag her back to the dimension she. belongs in and somehow she fought off. that bird and she's here showing us. [ __ ] salted caramel gelato while the. world [ __ ] burns and you guys are. fighting about her as if she gives a. [ __ ]. It's the Wicked WITCH OF THE WEST. IS THAT what they did in Oz? Well. actually actually the flying monkeys are.

really happy. THE BENEFIT PACK WHAT? ENOUGH WITH THIS. CHILDREN. Have some fun. When's the last time you. people had any god damn fun? Have a little bit of fun. You know when. I used to be able to go to my my. mother's mental institution I would have. fun. I would visit all the other mental. patients and talk to them. And then I started to realize that they. were actually right about the world.

They'd be like everyone's trying to kill. you out there and I'd go okay. And then. more recently I've gone go on. You know I mean life life is not. supposed to be an endless procession of. of and he has an immigrant. immigrant. I just little guy that I have with me. Danny goes he always goes he goes I want. a great quality of life. He says it all. the time and I go this is what the kids. they go I want a really good quality of.

life and he's right. But also shut the. [ __ ] up. Don't vocalize those thoughts. Just shut up. Create the quality of. life. But that's what I would tell. everybody out there. Go out there and. get in some type of situation universe. world where you feel you're being. [ __ ] ex you're excited about. something because dude people [ __ ]. die. [ __ ] ends. I hope this isn't my. last episode by the way. This is this is. very like this is very strange. It's.

very odd like and I just die in this. first of all if it is it's brilliant. But I just don't want I want I want to. stay here because I just started just. started doing well after 11 years. I. don't want to be too cryptic but I will. tell you this you got to enjoy whatever. you're [ __ ] doing. You got to enjoy. the time you have here and don't invest. yourself in [ __ ] unless you really are. prepared to do the work of investing. yourself in it. You know? I remember during the Bush Gore election. 7-Eleven was selling coffee cups as to. who you voted for. Oh, really?

Yeah and I went to my nanny and. grandpa's house and um. my nanny was saying that they had to. stop doing that 7-Eleven had to stop. doing that because people were throwing. the hot coffee at each other and we all. laughed. We all laughed at that cuz we. said. what are you going to do? It was funny. It was funny that I mean now it's you. think they're selling those coffee cups. this year? You think they're selling Trump Biden. coffee cups? You think we could ever get. back to a healthy democracy where you. could sell a hot beverage in a cup that.

identifies who you voted for? How scary is it that you can't do that. by the way? They they did they could they could. barely do it in 2000. Right. They they. could barely do it that. But I'm wondering. when we will ever get back to that place. where you could literally. you know sell here here's your 32 oz. cup of hot liquid with the who you voted. for on it. Be safe.

Go enjoy go enjoy the land. I don't mean don't care about. everything. I I mean you're caring about. the wrong things. Caring about the wrong. things. Right. Right. Look at these YouTubers. They all made all this money by going. like what is what are they review. cereals these people? They're. trillionaires. Because they're because that's they. realized they're like smarter than all. of us. We're all trying to figure out. the world. They're like I like Apple. Jacks. That's the move.

That's the move. Half of these YouTubers. like I'm on a plane now. People are like. I planes planes. But that's it. They're actually right. The Tik Tokers are actually right. That. and maybe I've been in LA for too long. but that's when you start when you look. at the the state of the world and you. see a bunch of kids like. and then oh. they're right. That's what social media should be. I'm.

doing a dumb little dance and not a 300. comments thread about trade. on Facebook, which you don't know. anything about. You don't know what it. is. That's when you know you're you're. crazy. You know, that and crazy in the in the. true sense of the word. It's like. at a certain point you got to give it to. some of these YouTubers who are just. like, "The world is over. It is falling and I just want to do. things that will pass the time for.

people so they don't start militias and. blow each other's brains out.". And that's that's the best version of. YouTube are people who go, "Hey, don't. start a militia. Let's talk about. candy.". Don't join ISIS. Why? Cuz I'm going to. give someone a Lamborghini. Okay. That's the best version of that. I'm going to open a gift. Don't kill. your wife. Watch me open a gift. You go, "Oh, good.".

Hey, don't put that cat in the microwave. There's Pokémon cards here. We're going. to play a game. How many kids. don't shoot up schools cuz they get to. watch David Dobrik give people. Lamborghinis? Probably a lot. So, I'm. not against any of that. I think it's. good. It's just a wasting the time. That's what we have to do. We just have. to run out the clock. You see?

It's running out the We're just running. out the clock. We're only here for a. little while. We're not here forever. You're not going to solve it, you dumb. [ __ ]. Think you're going to solve it? The. problems aren't even new. They've been around forever. The. problems must be real problems, huh? So, we're just running out the clock. We're just trying to prevent an. incredible explosion of physical. violence. that will bleed into every aspect of. American life.

And what do we do? And how do we do. that? We we run out the clock with. garbage [ __ ] I wish this stuff was a. little better. I'd prefer a few more. Woody Allen movies, a few thinkers. But the country doesn't want that. So, it's okay. What am I going to tell the. country what they want? They want to. What do they want to watch? They want to. watch. guy making a table. Guy making a table. Hey, don't worry. about whose skull is what shape. Watch. me sand the table. We're running out the clock here.

All the art you consume, including maybe even this show, is running out the clock. And it's important to do because if you. don't do it, the demons are going to. win. So, to keep the demons at bay, you. do your little dance, you do your little. Zoom Thanksgiving, you do your video for. this woman that just turned 80 because. at a certain point you're going to hear.

your parents' car door shut. and then that's it. And you're going to. look around the house and you're going. to go, "The party's [ __ ] over." But. at that time, you don't want to look. around and say, "Fuck, this looked like. a lot of fun and I wish I had some of. this fun." You want to say, "You know. what? The party's over, but I got that. toothy [ __ ] I threw up a lot of rum. in the pool, I broke a lamp and blamed. it on someone else, and guess what? I'll.

take my punishment like a man or a woman. or a non-binary. entity. Good night.".