#221 - Epstein's Favorite Podcast | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim. Dylan show. We are here in Arizona. Don't worry about it. Tour is over very. soon and then we are back in the studio. I've had enough. Uh it's been very fun. uh going out and doing standup comedy. again. You begin to realize how much you. love it. Uh and how much it is also uh. destroying your life. So, it is nice to. be out. Uh come mid November, we're. shutting it down till the spring and. then we'll do another month in the. spring. Um, but this will not this this. constant, you know, Airbnbs and rental.

cars and planes is like this was great. Not doing this was phenomenal. And uh. we'll I'm going to get back to that. shortly. I'm just going to have a. pandemic no matter what in my head. I. don't care if everybody gets vaccinated. I don't give a [ __ ] I'm going back. home, locking the door, going back. inside. I will I'm not. So, when I put. out dates, if you want to come see me, cool. If not, don't. But then it's going. to be three or four months of doing. nothing. This this [ __ ] what I was. going to do last year is be on the road. 40 weeks or something crazy like that. I.

will never do that again. Um I am happy. doing these month month and a half. intensive tours and then [ __ ] being. done with it. Uh because you know. enough's enough. I can reach more people. like this to be honest than I can you. know comedy club by comedy club you know. and they're all lovely environments. these comedy clubs, they're all great. You know, I have owners of clubs coming. in and giving me uh, you know, regifted. earpods as a gift for selling it out. I.

appreciate it. Um, but I will I will uh. I'll pass on that. Um, but it's been a. lot of fun. The shows are really, really. fun. None of the problems that I have. ever have to do with the shows, which. are the most fun. It is every other. minute and hour of the day getting to. that stage that is taxing. Um. so you know we're we're out when we're. out we're out. Come see us. We have a.

lot of fun and then when we're in we're. in. And that is that is what I've. learned about this pandemic is that it. rep prioritized a lot of things for me. I'm going to put a lot more into. digital. We're putting a lot into. digital already. That's the future. The. future is not. I see all these comics. and I love them and I respect them. You. know, they're performing in fields and. on rooftops and wherever they can and I. get it and I respect the hell out of. that. That is not the future. That is. over. And I don't know what to tell you.

It's not Maybe you don't like that. that's over. Many people don't like many. things. Um, doesn't matter. The future. is the future. Um, and we're here in. Arizona, which is the worst state in the. union, uh, by far. There is no. comparison. There is nothing worse than. Arizona. Uh, Arizona is, uh, it is an. absolute, I mean, it has no redeeming. qualities. It is a hot, arid, desert.

landscape uh, with some of the. trashiest, least intelligent human. beings uh, to have ever uh, you know, graced. the [ __ ] you know, planet here. It is. bad. There are some hot people. There's. some probably big Only Fans accounts. There's some aspiring porn stars. There's a few guys that's probably fun. to get into a Ponzi scheme with in. Scottsdale. There's a few people that. own houseboats on Lake Havsu that it's. probably fun. It's a great place to be. when you're 23 and you're trying to [ __ ].

or whatever. I don't know. But I mean, get me out of here. Get me out of here. I've had fun. The shows are fun. The. crowds are fun. Um, but the crowds. always they also feel like it's like, you know, in you gota if you lose them. for a minute, you know, God only knows. what happens here. God only knows what. people are just screaming. People are yelling and screaming. Um, it. is it is it is truly an embarrassment. The state of Arizona is just no other.

way to put it. You know, the owner of. the club was like, "I'm staying in this. place, Peoria." The owner of the club's. like, "Oh, you're staying in Peoria. What are you doing?" I'm like, "Buddy, the whole [ __ ] state should be. firebombed. What? Are you out of your. [ __ ] mind? You think you have an. estate in the Pacific Palisades? It's a. [ __ ] You're on the surface of Mars here. and everybody's a [ __ ] So, what does. it [ __ ] matter where I am? The whole. place is [ __ ] It's irredeemable. One of your best restaurants in Phoenix. has fried bread. It's called the Fried.

Bread House. And they take reffried. beans and put it on fried bread. It's. disgust. I've really had it with the. West. I really have the country shot. I. drove from Utah to [ __ ] Arizona. I'm. sick of the red clay canyons and the. general store. I'm sick of that hokey. horse [ __ ] Frontier Town crap. It's. enough already. Grow the [ __ ] up. I'm. sick of it. Give it back to the Indians.

Give it back to them. The Native. Americans. My apologies. But the country. shot. It's disgusting. The Grand Canyon. We passed that. Looks the same as it did when I was a. kid. It's disgusting. Do something else. I'm It's just enough already with these. And of course, I'm with this 24-year-old. who's opening for me who I love, but. he's an idiot. So, I mean, he's like,

"Ah, isn't it beautiful? Isn't it. beautiful? Isn't it nice? Will you stop? It's not nice and it's not beautiful. Civilization is beautiful. People. working is beautiful. Not rock. formations. Get out of the national parks, please. You know what's beautiful? Uh families. progress. That's beautiful. Not a red. clay rock formation that looks like. somewhere aliens land and face [ __ ] you.

Zion National Park is still beautiful. Yeah, it's great. Can you get me to. Arizona, please? So I could perform for. these fry bread heads. It's like, get. the [ __ ] out of here. Jesus Christ. These [ __ ] tan, leathery people spent. their entire life just [ __ ]. marinating themselves in vodka. I mean, I appreciate Arizona. They're. open. They're letting shows happen. I'm.

down with that, man. They're letting. things happen. We're all taking a few. risks. These [ __ ] do not care. They are out there maskless. just [ __ ] partying. What are you going to do? We got to. live. We got to do things. Some people don't want to live. That's the other thing. I mean, we're all creating government. policy based on the idea that everybody.

wants to be here. That isn't true. A lot of people's actions suggest. otherwise. So, let them. uh infections are now up in New York. City. They tried, what did they tried to do? They tried to shut down the uh hidic. Jews. Yes. Because the hetic Jews aren't. having it in New York. Yeah,

they're not having it. And listen, they're doing what they want. to do. So, Meatball and Delasio, who are. destroying the city and state. respectively, are now picking on the. Jews cuz nothing else is going right. because the economy can't reopen because. they've destroyed the entire city. So. now they're picking on the acidic Jews. who they really don't bother anybody. They just they walk around with big hats. and some of those hats are furry and I. like those hats and I don't know what.

they call them. I always wanted to wear. one, you know, without, you know, culturally appropriating or being a. victim of a hate crime. What is that hat called? It's called the Striml or a Shabbat hat. Yeah. You don't know what you're talking. about. There's another type of hat. that's furry. It's like a big furry hat. This one, right? By the way, I watched. that documentary about Hitic Jews, One. of Us, and it was supposed to be. groundbreaking, and it was just the. same. They're like, "During a divorce, uh, there's a the war of the f." I'm.

like, "It's the same [ __ ] Can we stop. pretending that everything's so [ __ ]. different, please? The acidic Jews are the same as these. people that want to get drunk on like. half. They just don't give a [ __ ] They. don't care. If they're going to go, they're going to go. Stop trying to keep. everyone on Earth for what? I mean, this country is going to hell. and everybody wants to keep everyone. here. No, there are no jobs and everybody. goes, "We need more people to not do the. jobs that don't exist.". Right?

God forbid anyone die. God forbid the employment, the. unemployment office lines a little. shorter. If you take away people's freedom and. you make them live in a [ __ ] uh. prison of of of apps and algorithms, they are going to rebel because that is. not a life. That is not a life. They. want to be free. Trump is running, as Ty. Rivera, who's opening for me, very funny.

comic said, Trump is running with. freedom. Biden is running with maybe. more lockdowns, maybe more. It's. probably going to be neck andneck. But I. will say this, if you are running as a. candidate of making decisions and being. free, you're pro you might win in this. country because we are deeply. uncomfortable, people like me are deeply. uncomfortable with just having a federal. government uh stop us from working.

indefinitely. for for something where there may not be. a vaccine. This may be the best we do. We may have to let her immunity build. up. There isn't another option. The. economy cannot be decimated completely. to protect a small amount of people. Doesn't mean that CO isn't real or that. it isn't serious or that there aren't. lasting effects. All of that is true and. it is tragic. The tragedy in this.

country is is it's all tragic. By the. way, you know what about the people. remember pre-COVID? All the people that. didn't get healthcare and dropped dead. Was that not tragic? What about the. soldiers who got back from Iraq who. didn't have mental health care and they. blow their brains out? A a staggering. amount of them every month. Was that not. tragic? Is this the only [ __ ] thing. that's tragic, by the way? Is Corona. virus. Is there anything else that. [ __ ] upsets you people? How about the. kids that go to bed hungry every night? Is that tragic? How about all the people.

whose jobs were shipped to Bangladesh. and they were told to rot in towns and. do opioids with their kids? Is that. [ __ ] tragic? Or is there no [ __ ]. tragedy that doesn't begin and end with. a [ __ ] cough? Okay, let's rein it in here. Act like a. [ __ ] adult. Everything's tragic. Life. is suffering in hell. Not for me at the moment. I'm in a nice. Airbnb, but it ain't great. I don't like. the design scheme. It's [ __ ] Arizona. It's the best.

we're going to do. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying. this this attitude now that this is the. only problem we've ever f nobody ever. died before this. God forbid. I'm not saying you shouldn't protect. yourself. If you're immuno compromised. or if you don't want the risk, you don't. have to buy a ticket to one of my shows. I think you should buy it and not come. Nothing would make me happier. Nothing. would make me happier than to sell out. these shows and have no one come and.

walk out onto the stage and say, "My. fans are responsible." Then go back to. the Airbnb. So, please, if you are responsible, buy. tickets for Chicago and Denver and. Kansas City and Oklahoma City and do not. come. None of you come. Just sell out the venues. Let me walk. in. Let me sit on the stage. I'll feel. safe. You'll feel safe. And then I'll do. an Instagram live from the Airbnb. It's. a win-win. I come, I get the check. I never need to.

work. I don't need to work. And I think. people who do are very sick. I need to earn money. I get that. I. don't need to work for it. Yelp is now Yelp. This is where we're. at. We have police brutality. We have a. a very bad situation with the Briana. Taylor with the no knock warrant, which. is a one of the. stupidest things that I've ever read.

about, have known about. The idea that. the government can enter your house. without knocking in the middle of the. night to me is [ __ ] insane. We have. that. We have uh Derek Schovin um. stepping on a man's neck for eight nine. minutes almost, killing him. We have. protests erupt all over the country. We. have instances of police brutality on. film and on camera. Police need to be.

retrained. They need to be. demilitarized. They need to reestablish. um you know uh uh trust with with. communities. There needs to be more. community policing. There needs to be. more stuff to fight poverty in those. communities so that people aren't. necessarily uh given no other option but. to uh you know embrace a life of crime. We need to fight that battle on all. fronts. Now we're not doing any of that. But Yelp,

Yelp has stepped in and is now allowing. fat Americans to to identify which. restaurants are racist because like. everything else in America, uh the. solution involves food and dining. There's nothing in America that doesn't. involve food. Remember when the Proud. Boys and Antifa were fighting, they were. throwing milkshakes? They were throwing. milkshakes at you. It was a dessert. themed revolution here. And now to.

correct police brutality, to correct, we. now have Yelp stepping up and going, "Hey, let's identify. uh which Dell Taco. has a Nazi working there or whatever. I. mean, I don't know. Just some guy that. hands you a taco and looks at you and. goes, you know, the food's okay, but. these people got to go." And you're. like, "God damn it. What is this?" Yelp, can you fill us in on this? Cuz this is. fascinating to me. Can't I say any.

restaurant is racist if I don't like it? It looks like like So, and I will do that. I have a list of. restaurants right now that I think are. they are I will say that they're racist. Yeah, they'll add a racist behavior. alert to a business page when it has. evidence of racist actions from a. business owner employee. And. can they do that to podcasts? You better not do it to podcast. I'll. tell you that much. to determine if an alert is warranted. Yelp said it will rely on and link to. what it calls independent news reports.

of alleged racist actions associated. with a business. So yeah, I mean if you. got a couple your friends together and. you kind of got the same story, looks. like you could, you know, and we could. just say that for example, me and Dan. were driving. through uh Utah. We stay at the Best. Western in Bryce Canyon. Fine. You know, we leave that, we drive, we end up somewhere, a restaurant and uh. we have two steaks. The guy told me he's.

like, "You should get the bison." I. said, "You should get out of here.". So, we have two steaks. They're. overcooked. Whatever. What are you going to do? We're sitting there. I mean, the. restaurant is is it takes a long time. Food's not good. What is to stop me from. saying that when the waitress put the. steak down on my table, she looked at me. and she whispered, "H Hitler. and then walked away." What is to stop.

me from doing that? Nothing. What is to stop me. from doing that? You know, I don't understand what would. potentially if I could get a few friends. and we all had the same story. and we could just say, "Hey, this. restaurant, what do they mean a what is. it? A racist activity alert?". Yeah. So, this is what pops up when you. pull up the business accused of racist. behavior with a big red exclamation. point and it has a disclaimer before you.

visit the restaurant's page on Yelp. Dude, no one's gonna care if it's a good. restaurant. If the food is good, nobody's gonna give a [ __ ]. It's also like the restaurants that are. really racist are poor restaurants where. usually minorities hate each other. Can we Can we go to a Korean bodega that. hates black people and say a racist.

behavior alert? Can we do that? I've been sitting in Chinese restaurants. in New York where a black lady came in. and literally the Chinese woman goes, "You'll pay now." Like, "Well, what is. this here?" Yeah. Is are we going to be able to just label. everybody uh every restaurant is racist? Racist behavior alert. I witnessed. racist behavior at this restaurant. [ __ ] Yelp. [ __ ] you if you need Yelp to. make a decision. [ __ ] you if you use.

Yelp. [ __ ] you if you write reviews on. y'all. [ __ ] all of that [ __ ]. It is grotesque. I stayed in a horrible. Airbnb. The dude was coked out of his. gills. He kept coming downstairs to use. the [ __ ] washer dryer. He [ __ ] his. kid tried to open the door. The [ __ ]. his roommate was walking around at 2. 3:00 a.m. I'm like I don't even think. they were gay. I think they were just. coke freaks. Middle-aged guy with a.

roommate. You know what? If you're not. [ __ ] what bonds you together? The. love of the night. So, he's out there at. 2 am just stomping around and I and I me. and Dan go, "Hey," you know, cuz I'm up. giving Dan a lecture about, you know, how superior I am to him in in comedy. And Dan goes, "Some guy just walked by. through the yard." And I go, "What the. fuck?" So, I call the owner. I go, "Can. you tell me what's going on here?" He. goes, "He's just taking out the garbage. at [ __ ] 2 a.m. That's my roommate.". Let me tell you right now, the guy Then. the guy starts asking me for tickets to.

the show. I'm like, it's sold out. He's. like, there's nothing you can do, [ __ ]. I don't know you. You're doing laundry. in the place I'm paying to stay. You're. not watching your daughter who's trying. to get in the room and your cod roommate. is walking around the backyard at 2 a.m. like he's about to do a home invasion. No, there's nothing I can do. I don't. review him negatively. I refuse to. review him. I'm not a rat. I'm not a. rat. I just don't review. My mistake, my. fault. I don't review. I say I I either.

review the Airbnbs very well or I don't. review them at all. That's it. That's. the the game that I play. I don't want. to destroy that guy's business. Now, should it be destroyed? Unquestionably. I mean, the house was a construction. site. Everything was a problem. The. parking, everything. There was large. cinder blocks everywhere. You had. different people in the yard. the that you could have easily justified. writing the worst review ever, but I did.

not do it because I'm not a rat. I do. not feel comfortable uh destroying. somebody's ability to earn money. Maybe. the next person will like that. Maybe. his next guest is all coked up and likes. strange people and children wandering in. the house and maybe that's part of the. fun. Maybe that makes their vacation. better. But not me. But I don't review. it. I just step back. I go, let this. [ __ ] do what he wants to do. You. know, fine. Doesn't matter to me. Maybe.

he reviews me. Maybe he does. Maybe he. doesn't. I don't know. But I'm glad that. Yelp is now solving the problem of. racism so you can go identify uh if the. if the waitress at Applebees was And by. the way, aren't these major corporations. going to start to sue Yelp for this? Oh, interesting. Wouldn't Wouldn't you sue Yelp? Yeah, maybe. So, yeah, it's saying you might. you might have to link to a news article. from a credible media outlet, but I. mean,

good luck finding one of them. A. credible media outlet. This is what like. I don't know. I mean, they don't. What are we doing here, folks? Just eat. your food and move on, you fat [ __ ]. Jesus Christ. Green cactus is transphobic. just eat. the taco. I mean, for the love of God, this is really just creeping into every.

[ __ ] area. It's boredom. This is. boredom. People are bored. And they and. they don't know what to do. And people. at Yelp are like, "How do we capitalize. on all of the anti-racism that's. floating around? Let's let people rat. out restaurants they feel are racist. You should open a restaurant with the. best food at the best deals and make it. like genuinely the most offensive.

restaurant ever. Like it should be an. oppression themed restaurant. Swear to. God, the table should be little gas. chambers and the people that serve you. should be SS guards and all the. performers should be slaves. Slaves. And then to the side of the. restaurant, like the people that check. you in are Irish and they haven't eaten. because of the potato famine and they. all look [ __ ] inbred and there should. be them. And then there should be a back. garden of the restaurant called the Gaza.

Strip where you you don't even get food. They just throw the the the leftover. food they found on the floor. They throw. it at you. And if you try to get water, they hit you with a stick. And if you price that restaurant. fairly, if you price that fairly, people will go. If the food is good and. it is priced fairly, I will straight up. look at Ben and go, "We're going to Nazi. slaves tonight. We're going to Nazi.

slaves." You know, I like the buffalo. chicken wrap because it's nice. They use. the chunky blue cheese. We're going to. Nazi slaves. So, I don't care if it. makes you feel uncomfortable. And we're. eating in the back garden of Gaza Strip. because of CO 19. That's what they should [ __ ] do. I. mean, if I was a billionaire, I would. just open the most offensive restaurant. known to man and see what Yelp did with. that. How do you like this, Yelp? Christ on the cross would greet you and.

say, "Hello, welcome to the restaurant.". And then you know what you would do? You. would pin a nail in Christ's hand. and we'd have a burger, a really big. burger. And if you ate the burger, you. would get to assassinate JFK. Like we'd. have a fake JFK and you could shoot him. and then he'd splatter and then one of. the waitresses pretends to be Jackie and. we'd put you on the wall and you said, "You finished the JFK burger and I. killed Kennedy." And you'd have a big. smile on your face.

The desserts would be 9/11 themed. The. most offensive restaurant known to man. just to [ __ ] with Yelp. see what happens. I mean, just just crazy bad. Just crazy bad. We would hand out. crayons and and and and pieces of paper. to the kids, but only if they drew. Muhammad.

Do you understand? This restaurant would last maybe a. month. In a mature country, this would. be a hilarious restaurant. In a mature. country, this would be hilair. If we were a mature country, you should be able to go out and eat a. meal. in a restaurant that makes fun of. genocide. in a fun way. Now, I guess I understand. the argument against this type of.

restaurant, too. I'm not I don't I'm not. saying that I don't understand that, but. I'm just saying it's something to Hey, it's something to consider. out there. I like watches. I don't. really wear them, but I I like them and. I should be wearing them more. Ben has a. beautiful watch and I asked him the. other day, I said, "What watch is this?". And what did you tell me? It's. Vincentro. That's exactly how he said it, too. Like.

a like a an inhuman. It's Ventero. It's my new Ventero watch. These are nice watch. You want a watch. where people go, "That guy's a human. being.". These watches, their price point is much. lower than a watch that would cost you. thousands of dollars. These watches cost. you hundred. And they look really truly. kind of like a million bucks. They are a. nice watch. It is a nice time piece. There are several different types of. watches that they offer. They have these. for the office or for going out to. dinner and then they also have like some. waterproof stuff. It depends on your.

lifestyle. Maybe you're a surfer, maybe. you're more active, maybe you're not. So, you can go to this website, you can. check out what they're doing. But these. watches are cool. People message Ben all. the time and they go, "What watch are. you wearing?". Yeah. And we finally have the promo code. now. I couldn't give it to you. Uh, so. it's V. People message me all the time. They go, "What is that?" And I go, "It's. psoriasis. What about this watch? And how do they. get it?" Because I'll tell you right. now, a watch will make you feel. confident. If you're sitting down with a.

woman, you're having a cocktail or a man. or whatever, it's as long as it's not a child. Please, I try to give pedophiles. confidence. They have enough of it. Let's get back to the ad. Watch. It's our first ad for these people, right? They're offering you as a listener 20%. off your entire order and they are going. to cover all shipping cost if you visit. venturatches.com/. You know what this is? This is the. Christmas gift for your wife's brother. or your wife's uh your your sister's.

husband. This is the Christmas gift for. the guy you got to give something to if. you also it's a great gift for yourself, but this is the Christmas gift for. somebody where you want to spend a few. hundred. You don't want to go into in in. uh you don't want to go into debt. putting together a gift. And you can do a dress watch, a sports. watch, whatever type of person, they. have a watch for them, you know. Yeah. Yeah. And they have 23,000 fivestar reviews on. their website. that you can go read for. yourself. That's it. I mean, truly, everybody. loves these watches. They're the perfect.

price point. It's a insane value for. money. They're a great gift. You can. gift these watches really to anybody. Uh. people love them. Um I think that's. really the direction that you should go. in with a product like this. You go, "Hey, let me get a Ventura watch. It. helps out the Tim Dylan show. I enjoy. that show." And um and what's the story. of Vincent? Isn't it inspiring? See, they don't have a backstory here. Well, I do you know do you know that I. know the backtory? Oh, what is it? It was started by an Italian man who was.

resisting Mussolini. and he and he resisted Mussolini for a. very long time. and then you know social pressures are. what they are. He kind of did throw his. hat in with Mussolini at the end, but. his his but he held that for like a. week. his. his children his children.

uh did not like that and they were like. that is not most of them some of them. were like you know our father made. choices and you know a few of the. children were like this country should. be glorious but most of them were not. fascists is my point ones that weren't. fascists carried the ven what is it. venter. ventera watches to America to start a. new life and then they became involved. in criminality, a crime family as many. Italians do. And they spent most of their life uh.

extortion, racketeering, and murdering. people that couldn't come up with the. monthly vig. now. But the watches were really top-notch. and they're beautiful watches. And then. when the mafia ended, when the mafia. ended, the Vero family was just like, "We're just going to do watches." Mhm. And they then became very obsessed with. Obama's birth certificate. and that was an interesting period of. time.

Um, but now they're just selling. watches. Just watches and they're nice. So, how do we get the Ventura watches? I'm going to have so many. calls on my cell phone. Keep donating to. that. Keep giving to the Patreon, folks, because uh you know this this is a real. Go to ventwatches.com. They're good watches. I mean, we're. trying to have fun here, but they're. actually good watch. They're good. watches. Go to ventureroatches.com/tim. Don't you dare pay full price at.

checkout. Go to my link and my code Tim. will be auto applied at checkout. This. is a buy you will not regret. And none of this, and we've checked this. out, none of this is going to nefascist. parties in Italy right now. None of it. Ventura watch. It's a good watch. Manscaped is now doing more than dick. trimmers. They're also doing nose hair. trimmers. Hair all over your body. You. need Manscape. It's great. It's the best. ball hair trimmer on the market. Shaves.

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Trump dropped out of the digital debate. He dropped out of the second digital. debate. People are saying, "Can we also. stop wishing the Yeah. How many articles. do we need here that are like the. president might experience the worst of. this on day nine? It's like guys, how. many [ __ ] articles where you're. openly wishing for the guy's death do we. need to see in the paper? I don't think. he's doing a good job. I don't think he. should necessarily be reelected. I mean, the problem is he's running against a. corpse. So, I'm kind of taking myself. out of this one in any type of emotional.

investment. I don't think there's a huge. upside to either one winning to be quite. honest with you. Um because it is just a. [ __ ] disaster. But he's out of the. digital debate. And is there one more. debate? There's supposed to be a final. debate. There's going to be uh then they're. going to move the third debate to. October 29th, just days before the. November 3rd election. Yeah. So the final debate is October. 29th, right before Halloween, right before the election. Mhm. Democrats are killing in early voting.

They're killing in early voting. Um they. clearly have the enthusiasm on their. side. Camala did a good job in that. debate uh with Mike Pence. Pence held his own, too. He's kind of an. unlikable white guy. You know, Camala's. got whatever she's got going on. I don't. I don't even know her race. I'm not even. going to speculate. She's black and and. Indian and she's everything. And she. just did a good job. I don't know that. that changes anybody's mind. I don't. know that these debates change anybody's.

mind, but we're heading towards. Halloween and then Halloween this year. is probably not even going to feel like. Halloween because there's lots of places. that won't be doing the. trick-or-treating. And then the real. Halloween will start on November 3rd if. there is not a clear-cut winner to this. election. If this election does not have. a clear-cut winner, we're going to have. massive protests, demonstrations, riots, and we're going to have a crisis in. confidence in the government. We may be.

heading towards a constitutional crisis. If this is not, listen to this, right? So, some my my. manager, my old manager, who I had to. fire, but I love But I had to fire. because he. Yeah, I love him. I would call him and. he would just go, "I don't know. I don't. know." And I'm like, "You gota at least. make it up.". So, this is very interesting. There's this article that came out about.

Epste called I Called Everybody in. Jeffrey Epstein's black book. Bring it. up. But what's funny about the article. is they say you learn a lot about. Jizlane, uh, Epstein's connections and also. standup comedy. It's odd. read the. tagline of this article. It's kind of. interesting. And I'm like, this is all. [ __ ] standup news. We've had enough. in the last few months of people, you. know, rightly or wrongly getting a. comeuppance. The last thing we need is. more [ __ ] bad press. What is the.

tagline of this? What I learned about rich people, conspiracy, genius, just lane, standup. comedy, and evil from 2,000 phone calls. Well, it's like which one of those. doesn't seem like the other? So, my ex-manager. sent me a a section of the article. Epstein took a liking to the comedian, Bobby Sllayton, who's a legendary. comedian. Yeah. After seeing him perform at the Palm. Beach Improv, the guy was a big fan of.

mine and his girlfriend, Jizlane, called. me for his 50th birthday party. She said. he was a big fan and wanted me to come. entertain and that there was going to be. some big high-profile people there. So, I asked, "What does it pay?" And she. says, "Well, it doesn't pay anything, but we're going to fly you out and put. you up." And I said, "What kind of. [ __ ] gig is this?" Jeffrey was a. giant comedy. I love these. [ __ ] Don't pay. They don't. pay. [ __ ] scum. We're just never. respected. We're never respected. comedians. You know, you could be entertaining the most. successful pedophiles on the planet and.

you're still no respect. Slayton mentioned to Maxwell. off-handedly that he might bring his. wife, to which he answered, "No women.". The party fell through, or at least. Sllayton's invite did, but Epstein kept. in contact with the comedian, catching. his shows around Palm Beach, Miami, and. New York. Epste invited Sllayton to his. mansion in Palm Beach for coffee and to. quote, "Talk about comedy." But when. Sllayton arrived, Epstein wouldn't let. him inside. He showed me the pool in the. garage, his cars, but he didn't let me. in. Slayton said he was never invited to.

the private island, but he once brought. it up a conversation with Epstein, who. responded that he didn't invite many. people out there. When Sllayton proposed. he and his wife come out to the island. sometime, Epstein responded, "No, no. wives." "Jeffrey was a giant comedy fan, huge. All he talked to me about was. comedy." Sllayton said he was like a. little kid talking about it. He loved. guys with an edge. He loved Lewis Black, Sam Kenisonson, Bill Hicks. You know, it's kind of sad here. I'm not comparing myself to these. people, but let's be honest. He would.

have enjoyed this show. He would have liked it. He would have liked this show. Yeah, he would have. He would have loved. this show. I think he would have liked the video. where I dressed up like his temple. I bet. And I bet just Lane saw that. It. was like Jeffy would have loved this. They've got a real They've got a real. great dynamic. Tim and Ben. It's sad to. know that I am now down a fan. It's kind of sad. It is kind of sad. He liked good comedy,

Jeffrey. He liked good comedy. How. horrible would it be if he was like he. hated like he just liked like not good. comedy which I won't mention what that. is. Just let it in your head. Jeffrey. was a big fan of. that would be horrible. But this guy. liked actually good comedy. So why not. Yeah. But I'm these these articles now. about Trump. They're a little they're. they're like doctors said that actually. around the two week mark is when Trump's.

heart will explode in his chest. And. you're like, "Guys, can we stop, you. know, reveling in the in the possibility. that this guy might have serious. complications from this?" You know, Trump is not out of the woods yet. They'll they'll be running these. articles if he wins again. They'll be. like, "Not out of the woods yet." Right? Several months later, it's still a. possibility that Trump literally melts. It's never happened before to a corona. patient, but it could happen. What about. spontaneous combustion where Trump Did.

you ever hear about that? Used to. fascinate me. People that burst into. fire. You ever read about that? I was reading about this the other day. Yeah. Cuz in Arizona, I I want to see someone. burst into fire and preferably the. entire state. I'm kidding. Don't get mad if you're. from Arizona. If you're from Arizona, you understand everything I'm saying. right now. And if you don't, there's a. [ __ ] problem. It's like I talk a lot. of [ __ ] about Long Island because it's. deserved. It's warranted. I've never. been like, you know what's a great. compassionate place where people are.

full of empathy and intelligence? Long. Island. I've never said that. I've said good. clams, good bagels, good sandwiches. I've said very little about the people. other than that they're funny, right? They are funny. Okay. What is this spontaneous combustion? Is. this real? Can this happen? And should. it happen? Yes or yes? Okay. So supposedly there's about 200. cases of this happening. Crazy. So like in Goway, Ireland, a 76-year-old. Michael Farad was found burned to death. at his home in December 200.

These I can't trust anything from. Ireland. These people are completely. backwards. They have no idea what's. going on. Can we please find Can we go. to a Norwegian country or something. where these people have an idea of what. the [ __ ] is happening? Ireland believes. in banshees and witches. I mean, these. people don't. Michael flattered he died because he. burst into flame. Yeah, sure he did. Great. Thanks. How about you put a floor. in your house?

But you put a floor in the home. I. remember I was with an Irish comedian. once. She said, "Why did your. grandparents leave Ireland?" And I went, "Well, they weren't dogs. We're on the. way to tape Netflix. They weren't dogs. They wanted to live in America because. they weren't dogs." Okay? They didn't. want to piss and [ __ ] themselves. Now, I love Ireland. and I love the. culture and I know that what I'm saying. now seems like I don't but it's I do but. let's also be very honest there's. there's some issues not the most. motivated crew not the most motivated. group of people living over there in.

Ireland you know. this isn't exactly like uh let's make it. happen. so can we find another example of. spontaneous combustion that's not. centered in the in the in in Erin's. aisle. so here's one from Crown Point, New. York. Okay. In 1986, the charred body of 58-year-old. retired firefighter George Mott was. found in his apartment. All that was. left of him was a leg, a shrunken skull, and pieces of his rib cage. What, Ben?

How does any of this prove that he. spontaneously burst into flames? Like, cuz there were the remnants. weren't there. So, the only thing that. the people could say was he just. spontaneously combusted and it like. there was horrible. Interesting. Maybe he lit himself on. fire, though. Some of these they found like, oh, he. had a heart attack and a lit cigarette. lit his body on fire and then he just. burned into into flames. But. I want to go like that. I want to go. with some spontaneous combustion in in a. racist restaurant.

And I want people to come back and write. about the racist restaurant and not and. not me. So like methane can build up in the. intestines and that might be how it. ignites. Some people theorize, but no. one's ever like witnessed it themselves. No one's ever seen somebody. spontaneously combust. Methane meaning like you don't fart and. it just builds up. Yeah. And then it just something sparks. it like you know in a gas tank in a car. and. Dude, you look around. I mean we we know. me. I'm not the picture of health, but I. mean you go around the country. I mean. this is what it is. I'm trying to swim.

more. We had avocados and eggs for the. breakfast this morning. I What do you. want me to do here? You know, um I've. made very bad decisions with my health. I've done drugs. I've smoked. I've. drank. I've I've eaten very bad food. Very good food. Um, but you go around. the country and you look at some people, some people, dude, I mean, it's bad. It's truly bad. The level of, you know, decay. It's bad. The the fat is wild.

I mean, there's a lot of people that are. just way over four, four or five. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Big. The skin you see on some people's is not. good. years of environmental. factors, maybe maybe it's drugs, maybe. it's booze, but you look around at. people and sometimes you just look at. people and you feel guilty a little bit. because you have a good life. You have a. decent life. I have a decent life. It's. pretty good. And sometimes I'll look at. somebody at a rest stop. They have like. sunken in eyes and I can tell they they,

you know, they were probably raised in a. in a in a coal mine by two parents that. just beat and [ __ ] them or something. And like this person is just they have. these sunken in eyes and they're just. doing the best they can. Um. and like I'm like, "Hey man, you have. any yogurts?". And they're like, you know, no. And I feel so bad for them that I will. only I feel like so bad for them that I.

will only scream at them for two or. three minutes. Like I will not usually. I'll scream at someone for like a solid. six minutes. I will genuinely only scream at these. people for two or three minutes because. they've had it so bad, you know, and I. go, "Hey, what the [ __ ] is going on. here?". I mean, the hills have eyes. The hills. have eyes out there. I mean, this country, large swats of the.

country are full of people who the the. horror movie. You could just make a. documentary. You could just pull into. like any strip mall and just make a. documentary. Just put sad music. Ah, my. name is Fern. Like, just you got to. dock. You got to dock. Every. documentaries are hard. No, they're not. in this country. They're not at all. Go to a rest stop. You got a documentary. I could make a. brilliant rest stop documentary. tomorrow. It's [ __ ] easy. These documentary.

filmmakers just point a [ __ ] picture. It's They point their camera to. Mongaloid and let them talk for an hour. and then they get a a [ __ ]. Golden Globe and Academy Award. Oh, it's. so hard to make a D. No, it's not. It is. not. Just point your go to a bowling. alley in Alabama. You have a documentary. now. Find somebody who's worked there for 30. years, right? and just ask them about their. life. You just hear the bowls, the pins,

you know, and then you have just. somebody just eating nacho cheese with. the one finger they have left because. they lost the other ones in the [ __ ]. ball retrieval, right? Everyone's a brilliant documentary. I. mean, there's this documentary Darwin, which a good documentary. They just. found the smallest town in the America. in Death Valley, California. It's a great document. They did a. documentary called October Country. Beautiful, cinematic, gorgeous. They. just went to a family upstate that's all. [ __ ] up. That's any family. Hello. You're in a documentary now. Tell.

us about your lives. Are you [ __ ] too? I'm going to go win. an award. The guy did it. Donell Moher, I think is a photographer, did it about. his own family. But I will say this, I. loved October Country. I thought it was. brilliant. I think it's called Yes. I thought it. was brilliant. And then he never did. anything else which upset me. I actually. also like Darwin. I just want to let. these people know that artistically I. know what you're doing. It's nowhere. near as difficult as what I do every.

week, which is yell about things that. bother me with no preparation into a a. camera that I don't even know how to set. up. You understand? So artistically, I. just want you to know that I see you. It's called October Country, right? It. is. It's just a tragic. But it's great, man. Upstate is just tragic. It's great, man. When you get upstate, you just want to take a pill. When you. go upstate New York, knowing that. downstate is this thriving metropolis or. was thanks Delasio. Um, Delasio's.

daughter is like running around shooting. cops now. You know, really, she was arrested for like looting. Delasio's daughter. These people are I mean, God. So knowing that the downstate of New. York is like a thriving metropolis, it. makes upstate even sadder because. there's some natural beauty upstate, but. there are these old factory towns where. all the factories have left. I mean, I. was just I got locked out of my Chase. account and I just spent an hour on the. phone with people in India and God love.

them and and listen, they're trying to. better their lives. no hatred towards. them. But all of these [ __ ] jobs, customer service, um, you know, manufacturing, a lot of them went. overseas with NAFTA and all those people. in New York State were just left to die. They were just left to to die there. And. when you go to these towns, you just. want to take a perkadoodle do. You want. to take a a a percoet. My aunt used to get really [ __ ] up on.

pills and we came up with a song. Me and. my cousins came up with a song where we. would just go perk. do. peroodle. don't. will peroodle. will. I bet you perkoodle won't because. she used to just sit in the chair uh all. out and all drunk. Now she just goes on. the book. but goes on the face book.

But I'll I'll tell you right now, I get. this documentary, Canard. I'm. unimpressed by it. I've been I've been. out on the road for two weeks. I've I've. been in nine documentaries. Every store is a documentary. Things are. not great. Magic Spoon Cereal is a no sugar, lowcarb, keto cereal that fits into any. diet plan. It It replicates all the. sugar cereals that you had as a kid. Whether it be Fruity Pebbles, my. favorite flavor, they have Fruity. whether it be Reese's Puffs to have a. peanut butter flavor. It's really,

really good. Dan, my opener, loves the. peanut butter flavor, uh, you know, because he's Florida trash. But still, I. think it's very important, especially if. you're on any type of diet to to be able. to substitute a bowl of cereal for a. meal replacement or a snack. It's very. good. Magic Spoon is some of the. healthy, yes, it costs a little bit of. money because they're using like monk. fruit extract and really like expensive, high-end ingredients to sweeten it, so. they don't have to use sugar. It doesn't. kick you out of ketosis, doesn't [ __ ]. you up. And they also don't use these. crazy sugar alcohols. It's really all. natural. So, it's really important that.

if you're making an investment, you're. making an investment in your health. I. love Magic Spoon cereal. You know, I. I feel like there are people that don't. understand how much Magic Spoon has. changed my life. You know, you know, before Magic Spoon. cereal, I was a cannibal. I've never even told. you this. I didn't know that. I used to eat people.

I would eat the skin of a person. I. would cook it and eat it. And it's. uncomfortable to discuss this, but And a few of those people I I. killed, hookers and truckers, and I. would cook them and I would eat their. flesh, which was keto technically. Maybe. not. I think it was. Some of them had. sugar in their blood probably. When I. tried Magic Spoon cereal, I I stopped. doing that. I stopped murdering [ __ ]. and eating them. And I started eating.

Magic Spoon cereal. And I went to the police and I confessed. and they refused to put me in jail. because they said every they said, "Hey, hey, white guy." That's what they called. me. I said, "I just killed a bunch of. [ __ ] and ate them." They said, "Hey, white guy. We all have moments in our. life we're not proud of." They said, "What made you stop that?" And I said, "I'm eating a keto cereal, very low in. sugar." And I shared it with them. We. all ate Magic Spoon cereal. And uh and they helped me.

Magic Spoon cereal is the official. cereal of the police. So if you support the cops, support. Magic Spoon cereal. A a dollar from every box of Magic Spoon. cereal is donated to Derek Schovin's. legal fund. Sometimes I do it just so we get the.

call. cuz sometimes we're bored. Yeah. Yeah. What What is the offer here for these. people? None of that's true, folks. Of. course. Magixpoon.com. Except the cannibal. I did eat people. magixpoon.comtimdillan. Use the com code TimDillan for free. shipping. magicspoon.comtim. Dillan. Use the code TimDillan for free. shipping.

It's a great cereal. I really love it. They're coming out with new flavors all. the time. It's a great way to stay. healthy and stay fit. I'll probably have. some of it when I get back to Palm. Springs. Yeah. And they'll refund you if you. don't like it. So, if you don't like it, they'll refund. you. But you're going to like it, folks. Stop. Hawthorne, your skin. It sucks. Everyone hates you. Your breath is bad. and you smell like [ __ ] Hawthorne is. here to help. Why? Why is it so good? You can personalize your products. That's what the rich do. They. personalize things. So, what Hawthorne.

allows you to do is you take a little. simple quiz, find out what your deal is, what you smell like, your pherommones, where you live, environmental factors, things like that, the type of climate. you're in, and they put together a. perfect patented fragrance for you and. skin creams and everything else. It is a. personalized beautiful way to look. beautiful and gorgeous and hot. That's. what it is. Hawthorne is great. They've. sent us a bunch of products. We've went. through the process. We've enjoyed it. It's fun. You create your own little. product. You have your own line of. things specifically designed for you.

where you live, what type of job you're. in, the climate you're in, everything. It is really truly amazing. um you know, mass- prodduced, mass marketed clinical. stuff. Has a lot of drugs and additives. in it. Hawthorne is all natural and it's. personalized specifically for you and. your needs, Benjamin. So, what type of. deal are they going to get? So, check. out Hawthorne at hawthorne.co. That's. Hawthorne with an e. And use my promo.

code Tim to get 10% off your first. purchase. That's h a w h o r ne.co. and use the code Tim to get 10% off your. purchase. How cool is that? 10% off your. first purchase. hawthorne.co. promo code Tim. I mean, I think America will bounce back. slowly but surely. I mean, Arizona, it's. like there isn't it's it's a it's not. the pandemic in Arizona, but there's. just every other problem you could. feasibly imagine.

Go. What are the stats now in New York? I think got 500 cases in New York now. We're like 50,000 cases a day in the. country. I swear I had this thing in. early March. I don't know that I did, but I'm just going to say that I did to. make myself feel better. Yeah, they're trending upward right now. They're trending upward right now. because people are going back inside. It's the winter. People are going back. inside and this [ __ ] is going to trend. upward. The kids are going back to school. They're back at colleges. You know, you.

know how it is. Tell your kid not to go to college. How. about that? Tell them that they can't endanger the. family. Take out a bunch of student. loans and listen to a a professor pratt. on about nothing. Tell them to go get a. goddamn job. Go work at a rest stop. You know what they have at those rest. stops? Those for real milkshakes. Have. you ever seen them? They're like these. weird, they call them f apostrophe r e a. l milkshakes. And you got to take, which.

I don't have any of this, but you got to. take them and then mix them in a machine. and they become a milkshake. God, I mean, this is what Yeah. This is what. people are drinking. This is what people are drinking in. America. For real. A for real milkshake. This is what people are drinking on the. road. when they stop into a rest stop. This is. what human traffickers are drinking. for. real milkshakes and old donuts with. flies on them and beer and butts and. some siggies.

Get some trail mix, get a few cubes of. cheddar cheese, get back in the car, throw some 5-hour energy down your. throat, and get back on the road to. nowhere and hope and pray that aliens. land. Hope and pray that aliens land and. probe you right up the ass because it'll. be more fun or interesting than wherever. the hell is at the end of your journey. Mine was Arizona. I do respect the Arizona woman, like the. leathery turquoise jewelry woman. I. always have. You know, that's an. expression that people have said a lot, that kind of Arizona woman. And I I've.

always kind of respected that kind of. demon from hell, you know, like that. that just kind of Arizona woman. The. people in this state, I think, pride. themselves like Long Island, they pride. themselves on ignorance. Yes. They pride themselves, you know, when I said there's no [ __ ] schools. here that even, you know, like everybody. starts clapping. It's cool to be hot. here, which I get. I get it is cool to. be hot, but they they pride themselves. on a certain type of ignorance that is. uh, you know, can be a bit scary when.

times are as trying as they are. A bit a. little terrifying the level of ignorance. that some of these people, they're just. not bright people. The shows are fun. My. fans came out. They're they're bright. I. think my fans are a step above. They're. a cut above the rest of the people in. Arizona. Salt Lake is just desolate. No. one's there. There's a few Mormons that. scurry around here and there. They're. clean people, the Mormons. They don't. drink. They don't smoke. They run. businesses. The Marriott family is.

Mormon. Didn't know that. Oh, really? My cousin was excommunicated. My second. cousin, whatever, not second. cousin-in-law, whatever. My cousin. married this guy. He was excommunicated. from the Mormon church at like 17. They. were just like, "Fuck you. Get out of. here." Wow. Isn't that something? Yeah. They're strict. You cannot get excommunicated from. Catholicism. Really? Truly. Although. Bill O'Reilly tried to have his wife. excommunicated, which I still find. hilarious. He wanted to damn the the the. mother of his children to hell. I forgot about that.

One of my favorite things Bill. O'Reilly's ever done. I just think. that's such a great testament to his. character. It's like not enough that. that we're not going to be married. It's. like, I don't want to make your life. hell. I want to ruin eternity as well. I. want you to burn in hell forever. How. sick is that guy? And everybody watched. that guy for like 10 years. I know. and thought that was like a guy that you. could listen to. And then you found out. that he was trying to literally get his. wife put in hell. You're like, you're like, "Oh, this was.

the guy that was fair and balanced. That. was the no spin zone. A guy that was. trying to get his wife eternally damned. I mean, he went to the church, tried to. have his wife eternally damned because. that's what excommunication is, by the. way. Okay? I mean, can you imagine this this guy? He's a traditionalist. He just wants his. wife to burn in hell. His kids go, "Dad, why? Where's mom?" "Oh, she's in hell. I. took care of her." He pictures himself.

in heaven smoking a cigar. "Yeah, my. wife's down there in hell." And his wife. just screams, the unending screams of hell. If you. believe that horseshit, you know, that's what he was trying to. do, right? I mean, if you believe that lake of fire. crap, this is what that guy was trying to get. accomplished. And that guy was like the guy that. everybody was like, "Bill's a good. traditional man. We should listen to.

him. He thinks we should go to war in Iraq. We're putting up new dates on the uh. website, timdillcomdy.com. Timjd Dylan, a lot of stuff on Instagram uh updating. you guys about dates. We are wrapping. this tour up. Can you bring up the. dates, Ben? When do we wrap this baby. up? So, these ones these these I wrote down. We got uh Tampa the 20th through the. 21st. Tampa's now full full uh capacity. So,

tickets have opened up. Go and grab. them. Sid spplitters in Tampa. One of my. favorite clubs. We got Palm Beach the 22nd through the. 24th. Palm Beach. Come down there. Bring your. lane. We got Oklahoma City October 29th. through the 31st. Oklahoma City. We're doing Halloween. Me. and Dan Carney will be there for. Halloween. Going to be really, really. fun. We're doing a lot of crazy [ __ ] If. you come out that show for Halloween, we're going to do crazy [ __ ] Costumes, stupid stuff. It's going to be really. fun. I think I'll be there that weekend, too.

Yeah, Ben may come out for that. Uh then. Chicago the October 27th through the. 28th. 27th through the 28th. Chicago, baby. One of my favorite markets and favorite. cities. Now we're in the suburbs. We're. in the BBS. We're in Shamberg Improv. because the clubs in Chicago City were. not open at the capacity that we want. So we're going to the BBS. Go to. Shamberg. Take a noobsy. Relax. You're. you people drink and drive. Do it. Kansas City November 10th through the. 11th. Kansas City. Never been there to do. comedy. I've been there for other.

reasons when I was a little kid where I. was on an acting tour with a play. We. stopped through there. Maybe it was the. other one. Missouri. I don't know. I. don't care. Kansas City. What is this? Kansas or Missouri? Kansas City. Missouri, I believe. Okay. We don't know. I'm not sure. The dates are on your. website. First of all, who cares? The dates are. on the [ __ ] website. Just buy the. tickets. Uh, then you got Denver. Denver is it. November 12th through the. 14th. Then we are done with this leg of. the tour. Then we are going dark for. December, January, February. Now, by the. way, dark meaning we're doing two.

podcasts a week. We're doing a ton of. sketches. We got a new YouTube show. coming out that we're not talking about. There's all kinds of stuff happening, but that, you know, the the podcasts are. a little tougher to do on the road. We. still accomplish them. We still do them. They're still great, but we need to get. back to base here, base camp. We need to. so we could create and innovate and do. new [ __ ] I can't always be in a [ __ ]. Airbnb, uh, you know, in Arizona. Get the [ __ ] out of here. I mean, what. are your impressions of this place? Just.

just cuz I don't want to [ __ ] get. everyone made. Back me up or don't. It's a skid mark. It really is. It is. It's a [ __ ]. It's a horror. It's a goddamn horror here. It's the worst. Move. It's like a big PF Changs. I can't think of a worse state. I mean, it's the worst. I can't think of a worse one. There's nothing worse. California ain't great, but at least. it's got some high points. I do like. Scottsdale. There's some dope mansions. in Scottsdale. Listen, I there's people.

in Arizona that I dig and I understand. what it is here. But just let's be. honest, enough. enough with Arizona and enough with. wishing the president death and enough. with ratting out the local [ __ ] micro. brewery or [ __ ]. gastro pub. But I mean, I love my f my. friend Joe and his wife Meg in Georgia. took me out to dinner, you know, in. Atlanta and I was unimpressed and they. have a beautiful home and a beautiful.

family and they're not they're not the. the mark of success in their life is not. impressing me and thank God. They would have failed horribly. Took me to some gastro pub. Folks, are we high? We know the rules. corporate steakhouse. or nothing. I'm trying to go to a gas show, but this. is actually the best lobster roll. Shut. the [ __ ] up.

I better recognize this place from other. cities. I better know the menu already. Too much. risk. And then we walk around some like. gentrified area of Atlanta. I don't want. this. I went to big old homes. where I feel like I shouldn't be some. [ __ ] gentrified area. Everybody's. drinking cold brew and planning a. Friendsgiving. Burn in hell. My opener 24 is like, "This is so cool.

Me girls here." I'm like, "Yeah, I get. it. I want to see the dark castles where. they control the I want to see where the. power is. Not a gastro pub. Stop wasting my time. For for the love of God, I should have. picked a restaurant. I'm never not. picking a restaurant when I go visit. somebody. Yeah, you have kids. Your job is to raise a. beautiful family and they're doing that. You can't be up on everything. You know, they probably went to Yelp.

Probably went to Yelp and said, "Which. restaurant isn't racist? We want to go. eat some non-racist poke bowls. [Music]. Keep buying all the products, please, on. the show if you need them. If you don't. need them, buy them anyway and give them. to people for the holidays. The holidays. are coming up. So important, you know. Well, it's good to see my. friend. It's good to see old friends. Good to see people you haven't seen in a. while, you know. It really is. They're. doing great. And I and I and I'm I'm.

Listen, I don't need to be impressed all. the time, you know. Be nice to be impressed some of the. time. just a little bit. But I'm impressed. with their family and their life, and that's what they got to do. You. know, that's what they got to do. But there is something to be said every. now and then for, you know, taking out a. guest, you know, the right way. I paid.

for the meal. Take me out somewhere. nice. I said, I'll buy a really. expensive dinner, please. Let's go. somewhere nice, you know. Go to a gastro. pub. Are we nuts? Walk around. What? And we went to like a. food hall, like a food court. Like. walking around like, are you are you. nuts? I mean, truly. And I don't think they listen to. this, so they won't hear it. But,

you know, I'm just saying. you guys ate some [ __ ] up stuff down. there, right? Like waffles and [ __ ] I. forgot what you had. We had We went to one restaurant that. was kind of good and we just had some. southern [ __ ]. Yeah. Which I'm kind of over the southern food. of just, you know, bacon fried butter. bowls. It's like I. just steak and fish, please. Steak and. fish and leave me alone. Yeah. I don't need deep fried cornbread, you know, bacon pudding, [ __ ] you know, sausage gravy, grits,

and grease. I don't need that [ __ ] It's. not that good. It really isn't that. good. that it tastes like you should be. eating it out of a trough. Truly does. I've eat it in the in the I've eaten in. some of the greatest restaurants in the. world and it's it's been an honor for. for both me and them. And uh I just find. it tremendously insulting. when I'm taken to somewhere that is not. up to my standards. I feel like I I it. makes me sad.

and I hope that um you know I just hope. that. the next place I'm taken is good. You know. Ben's never taken me anywhere good. either. I've never picked a restaurant you go. to. You never pick because you know you're. not allowed. I know. And I don't order when we go out. either. You're not allowed to order and. you're not allowed to pick the. restaurant and every now and then. you you get you to speak at certain. intervals and you know that like very. much like this show. Yes. It's not.

it's not a free-for-all. No. No. Sometimes we'll sit down and you start. going and talking and I look at you like. what's this and then you realize you're. like I'm out of control right now. You're like and then you know the other. thing and I went no no no no no no down. I mean that's the that's the game here. That's the game. You know I choose the. restaurants. I choose the food. I choose. the topics of conversation and I talk. about them. You listen. You nod. You. look good. You don't get fat. You look. respectable. That's That's the way it works, folks.

Yeah. You don't think You think that's abusive. friendship, you go find a friend. How. about that? That works for us. It's actually very healthy. I think it's great. We've been best. friends for like three years. This. works. You know, it really works. You know, he knows every thought out of. his head doesn't need to see the light. of day. You know, most of them are great. Some. of them are really good. Some of them don't. I mean, the other. one, Dan, I just kind of hit and stuff. I just push up against the wall.

He knows. I mean, you can't you can't. let these people just speak. You go on. and on and on. You got to cut them off. out of love. Out of love. When they. start going, you got to go rain it in. And And Ben has never chosen a I mean, he's never allowed, you know, Ben told. me once, he goes, "You know, I really. like a a restaurant called Rock and Egg. Cafe." And I said, "You know what? I. don't go to restaurants where the first. word is rocking." So you you're done. now. I like rocking. What did you used to get. at Rocket Egg Cafe? Rocking and rolling.

omelets. What the [ __ ] did you get. there? I can't remember like Denver omelets and. [ __ ]. Yeah, good. And you can do that. He's. allowed to do that. I'm just uninvolved. I'm to make the decision. Otherwise, we. end up in a restaurant with a name like. Rock and Egg Cafe. I let Dan choose a restaurant. It was. [ __ ]. I know what's good. I don't want to know what's good. I just. do.

If you're the guy that picks the. restaurant, always just be that guy. Don't let the other people choose. They're wrong. Let them do other things like raise. their kids. It's very laudable. It's a. great activity, but you're not choosing. the restaurant because you're gonna be. wrong. And I'm gonna have to, you know, make a. scene, rip my mask off, and cough. someone's face.

We were supposed to go to the fried. bread house. I think we'll skip that. Yeah, I'm good. I think we'll skip the fried bread house. in Arizona. Even though I'm I'm It is. good. The fried bread is very good, by. the way. I just my my hatred of Arizona. is now unfortunately targeting the fried. bread house, which has done nothing to. me and is just probably pretty damn. good. But because it is in Phoenix, Arizona, I am now. launching into a diet tribe against it. for no real reason.

Thank you to everybody who came out to. Arizona, who came out. I love your state. It's an. honor to be here. And I really enjoy the fact that you. guys came and spent some time with me. One of the greatest gifts as a comedian. is to travel around the country and see. beautiful and unique places, make. connections with people and things. And. being here in Arizona has made me deeply. grateful to have the job that I have and. to be able to be on the road here. I.

love all the club owners that give me. gifts that were in their children's room. an hour before they gave it to me. I. love everyone. Thank you so much for. allowing me to be in your beautiful. state. I do like my job a lot. I don't. want to work at a restaurant stop with. sunken in eyes, but if I [ __ ] did and. somebody came in and a fat [ __ ] came in. and wanted yogurt, and I would know. where that [ __ ] yogurt was, man, would I know where that yogurt is. Cuz. that fat cunt's trying to change his. life. and he's trying to do a high.

protein yogurt at 2 a.m. while he's. driving through a [ __ ] military base. on the way to go perform at the fry. bread house for a bunch of lizards. Get tickets to the shows. Maybe I'll be. nicer to your town. Probably not. Goodbye.