#218 - Fake Business | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim. dillon show we are here again. for your viewing and listening pleasure. uh the shirt i am wearing today 911 a. closer look. tim j dillon uh brought to me uh. by uh three gentlemen forget their names. at the stress factory comedy club in new. jersey i appreciate that this is of. course a call back. to the uh joke i said that this is the. class that i would teach. if i was a teacher and.

three gentlemen bring it up to me they. gave it to me it's a little small. but that's all right about day five. aikido we're we're turning over a new. leaf. and uh a little small but i i wear it on. the show to thank those gentlemen. they came up to me and go you could sell. them just give us half gross. gross just give someone so what do you. everybody's gary vee. relax and be happy i enjoyed it it was a. nice. thing what are we going into business. together i don't know the [ __ ] you are.

you still man just give us half what are. you. nuts oh yeah get on the team. fill out a w-9 we'll just salary. everybody let's put you on a salary. you could come up with some more ideas. thanks for all the work you put into the. shirt. giving you half for what you think i. can't do that. i hope they sue me in intellectual. property court we've sold 75. 000 of these i'm a trillionaire.

i'm not selling 911 shirts buddy calm. down. i do appreciate it and i like it thank. you. the fires are finally starting to calm. down now the fire department in los. angeles clearly an incompetent. group of lazy people that cannot do. anything has finally by accident. somehow made some progress with these. fires. okay how about going to work.

i saw we had breakfast the other day i. see one of these lugs. just with a fire truck on a suburban. street standing there. and i said i'm sorry. are there not things for you to be doing. at this particular moment. i think the firefighters are starting. the fires to try to get relevant. because they're jealous that everybody's. talking about cops. so the firemen are now lighting [ __ ] up.

so they can get some goddamn attention. okay pretty childish bobcat fire spreads. to 60. 555 acres while still threatening mount. wilson. and the san gabriel mountain communities. several areas in the angelus national. forest remain under evacuation orders as. containment of the blaze increased to 15. so they've increased uh they've they're. 15. more successful at containing the fire.

than they were well hey. good job maybe we'll get to 17. what's going on over there it's not hard. it's fire. and water put it in a hose. and put it out what are you doing. standing and looking at it. it's pretty easy if you ever had a small. fire in the kitchen. yeah it's easy you put water or you put. the lid on the thing.

and get the air out get the air out put. a tarp on it tarp it up. tarp it up it's over don't [ __ ] stand. around. trying to feel because you know. everything now is about you know. oh it's so hard. it's the easiest thing ever there's a. fire what puts it out water we know that. this isn't coronavirus where we're. searching for the vaccine.

we know the enemy of fire is water. point the hose at the fire and. put it out. am i wrong truly am i wrong here if i'm. wrong tell me. i don't think you are i don't think i'm. wrong either. we got a bunch of degenerates running. around. not putting out the fires put the water. on the fire. do it from a helicopter or do it from a. hose.

what happens on the show see i started. this is kind of a bit but as i'm going. into it i do think i'm. almost right like as i'm leaning into. this more. i kind of believe that i'm not all wrong. here. what the wind is blowing the fight then. point the hose where the wind's blowing. how about making all of it wet so that. it can't catch fire. just start soaking [ __ ] get some super. soakers remember those when you're a kid. you could do super soaker. you could have fun have fun with it go.

out in the forest with the super soakers. it's fun it's fun and productive it's. fun and nobody dies. have a water gun fight it's fun. and you make progress with the fire i. mean these things are going on for weeks. what are these slugs doing i'm genuinely. curious. go up in the helicopter spray the hose. from above it.

i'm i'm confused does anyone out there. understand what's happening. it can only be that these firefighters. are enjoying this because they're sick. [ __ ] that's what i think they're sick. people and they like watching things. burn. who becomes a firefighter anyway what's. that about. you like heat. it's a little wild i'm just saying reign. it in boys. we've had enough the citizens of.

california. have had enough how great would it be if. newsom got out and just threw him under. the bus. he goes we have the most incompetent. fire department. i mean these people can't [ __ ] do. anything. i mean god they can't do. anything this thing's been burning for. weeks. they know it they know where it's gonna. go they just don't care they're always. shocked. it also happens every year why are we. always shocked that the fire's coming.

get a clue as roseanne would say dumbass. she called me a dumbass dumbass. in other positive news in los angeles. people are now moving. boulders under the freeways to keep the. homeless from. living there if you've been to los. angeles which many people are leaving. many are evacuating ben shapiro. took 75 jobs to nashville tennessee.

joe rogan took one job to texas he took. jamie vernon. so a lot there's an exodus out of. california people are leaving they've. had. enough the homelessness. has reached a crisis point. under most overpasses in california you. see large tent cities. communities hoovervilles if you will. only to be made worse by current. economic conditions.

but what does a functional society do. when presented with such an issue what. does a functional. society do we take boulders. and we put them under the bridges so the. homeless people can't set up tents there. we take spikes and put them places. so they can't sit down we put rings on. the benches. in the park so they can't sleep we make. la. into a level of super mario brothers so.

no one can. ever rest ever again we have those. thromps and that's what they're called. those big stone things. fall down on the homeless people if they. for a second. pause and look like they're going to set. up shop. this can't be the solution okay. other than the fact that it's pretty. inhumane it can't be the solution of a. functional society. to just build a lava pit where the. homeless people were. that can't work i don't know what will.

work but that just doesn't. is there more of a sign of a. dysfunctional society. than two guys walking under an overpass. with a boulder. and putting it down could there be any. sign that this dish. i mean just turn the lights on the way. out this place is [ __ ] done. then two schmucks. walking around with large rocks how. creepy is that. so you drive into the uh underpass now. there's no homeless people there's just. rocks there's boulders everywhere.

hollywood screenwriter behind point. break and varsity blues moved boulders. into west los angeles freeway underpass. to keep homeless people. out on of the hottest weekend of the. year. interesting a hollywood screenwriter. helped arrange to have 60 boulders lined. up on a pedestrian sidewalk in los. angeles. to keep homeless people from setting up. tents in the shaded area. on a day when temperatures reached 111. degrees. so i imagine people are not too happy. with this gentleman right people are. probably angry about that la's a pretty.

liberal place. la screenwriter sets up large spikes. to discourage homeless people from. sitting. in said area it is out of control i. think it's nuts that a homeless person. can set up a tent outside of your house. they're maybe mentally unstable they're. a drug addict it could be a pedophile. they're hanging out you got kids you. don't want somebody like that that could. be potentially dangerous i think it's. weird. that the cops won't break that up i. agree with that. but i think the the solution must be.

bigger. than just uh rigging an obstacle course. around los angeles that homeless people. have to now go through you know. hollywood screenwriter has put up. hurdles. so that homeless people have to learn. how to jump in order to get. i mean we need some investments in. mental health care. we need housing and look at how much. housing is going to be for homeless.

people. this is crazy what the [ __ ]. are they doing they say la's homeless. housing now costs more. than some luxury condos 746 thousand. dollars. per unit. and i don't know why it cost so much i. imagine because of regulations and. i don't know but 746. 000 per unit. for a homeless person for a homeless i.

mean. that seems a little high. prop hhh tax dollars were intended to. facilitate development of up to 10. 000 units of housing for la's homeless. four years later only 228 units have. been built. good job what are you guys in league. with the fire department. the cost per unit to the tax papers. taxpayers keeps rising. and construction on some projects is. behind. we have a crisis on our streets last.

year we had a thousand people who died. on our streets so this is a question of. life and death. gal parental the i-team which is that. news team yeah. galpran says the rising cost of building. housing for the homeless is due partly. to the red tape involved in getting. projects approved. there should be no red tape getting. projects approved. how safe do these [ __ ] things. have to be it's safer than under an. underpass. what is this million dollar listing get. the [ __ ].

boxes up put the beds in them and we're. done here. what is some lunatic walking around. going my concern is the finishes. because a lot of my a lot of my clients. really want you know high-end finishes. granite marble uh what are the acoustics. on the wood it's very important we don't. want the rooms to be too loud. put the bed on the floor move on. heat air conditioning that's it running. water. god's name is taking so [ __ ] long.

here's the problem what happens is and i. get this people. don't want these low-income low-cost. homeless housing in their areas. that's what it is and that's probably. part of the reason it takes a while for. these things to get approved. we just have to convince the homeless. that la's over they got to get out of. here they can be homeless anywhere now. they don't need to be here do you. understand. they can do their jobs from anywhere.

it's hot. people here are stingy they're not. giving there's not a ton of tourists to. to get over on maybe think about. new orleans or another place let's. redirect the homeless and try to give. them. the idea that they can go somewhere else. and have a better chance of duping. tourists. better climate more open spaces.

there's so many places to go in this. country if you're homeless. there's so and we should have a campaign. for this we should come out. la should say we want to remind the. homeless that we. love having you here and we've loved. having you here. but this is a big wide open country with. so much space that's why. that's why people say to me tim you're. so negative about america. no no i'm not i understand. the great things about this country one. of them being. that there are so many places to go if.

you're homeless. that is such a positive that's never. talked about. we always talk about the other great. things about our country like our. healthcare or education systems but we. never discuss. how great it is to be homeless here the. absolute. freedom the utter joy of being homeless. in a town with a high influx of tourists. many of them will give you things you. don't even have to have a weapon just.

look threatening and they will they will. call. many of them are drunk and you could. push them down on the way back to their. hotel. and grab something from them so what is. all the negativity about america things. are actually pretty good. so we need to just have that campaign if. you are homeless in la. if you're unfortunate enough to be. homeless in l.a i don't understand the. homelessness crisis in l.a. because they're they they say how many. people we got on the street now. in la county it's like sixty thousand. sixty thousand in l.a county here's you.

know what my problem with that is it. should be a lot. more most people i know should be. homeless here. i have a conversation with someone the. first thing i do here is how do you have. a home. how do you have a car i'm shocked that. half of the city is not homeless. i mean it's a city without any talent. right truly. the dearth of talent here is. mind-boggling. and yet people have figured out a way i. don't know what they do. they get a job working for some rich. person fingering their cat.

while they're on vacation and somehow. they [ __ ] they live in their back. house. but the way i see it nobody should have. a [ __ ] home here. apple sucks raycon is the move get the. raycon earbuds they're much better when. you lose your apple earbuds when you go. in there they're gonna [ __ ] bang you. out for a lot of money. raycon is much cheaper works just as. well if not better i'm telling you. six hours of play time seamless. bluetooth pairing more. bass uh more compact design a noise. isolating fit.

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you personally. okay because you don't deserve to live. on this planet do you understand that. you don't deserve to live if you don't. buy the right kind of your bud. you realize how stupid you look. do you realize how stupid you look to. regular people. if you lose your earbuds you don't have. a backup do you realize that people. don't care what happens to you or your. family. if you lose your earbuds and you don't. have a backup ready. by raycon you know what happened the. other day. my mother lost her earbuds.

she goes i don't know what to do i said. will you shut the [ __ ] up. you stupid [ __ ]. she said why are you talking to me like. that i said you should have got ray kind. of your buds it's a great backup. should have all kinds of different. earbuds she said i don't like the way to. talk to me i said i don't like the way. you're [ __ ] acting you [ __ ]. she said what i said you heard what the. [ __ ] i said. she said you're good in this man about. earbuds i said yes. because it's important that you wake the.

[ __ ] up. for once in your [ __ ] life. by raycon.com tim that's by. com tim for a special 15 discount on. rake on wireless earbuds. make sure to check it out now while the. deal's running. ladies and gentlemen mental health is a. big deal right now. everybody is nuts that's out there. they're all bonkers they're all. batshit crazy you need to get help and.

it's during the time of covet you can't. see a therapist it's a whole problem i'm. telling you right now there is a. solution it's better help. better h-e-l-p better help h-e-l-p. is there something interfering with your. happiness or preventing you from. achieving your goals. okay better help will access your needs. and match you with your own licensed. professional therapist you can start. communicating in under 48 hours. it's not a crisis line it's not. self-help as a professional counseling. done securely online. don't like your counselor you could. change at any time there is a broad. range of expertise available which may.

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better husband mother. father sister brother lover whatever you. want to do out there. a human trafficker whatever business. you're in you gotta be. mentally together okay it's the easiest. way to ensure you're not gonna make it. is if you're not together mentally okay. so betterhelp wants you to start living. a happier life today. visit their website and read their. testimonials that are posted daily. visit betterhelp.com that's betterhelp. and join the over 1 million people.

taking charge of their mental health. with the help. of an experienced professional in fact. so many people have been using better. help that they're recruiting a digital. counselor special offer. get 10 off your first month at. betterhelp.com timd. betterhelp.comtimd use the service use. my promo code tell me what you think. dm me on instagram or twitter or. whatever not twitter i don't follow you. but instagram and uh i will. read your testimonial on the show if you. enjoyed uh betterhelp or if you don't. like it let me know.

we want to recommend products that you. guys like so. uh you know me and ray did that uh thing. where we called the better help ad. uh on the patreon episode i think so. there's that and then there's also this. so go to. betterhelp.comtimdbetterhelp.com. tim d thank you. airbnb is v is really disrupting. real estate and i know a lot about real. estate i just did a little fake business.

now you know that i do this a lot of the. audience don't know that i do i do fake. business. i call up realtors all day when i'm. bored. and i pretend i'm a realtor and that my. client is very interested in their. property and i ask them lots of. questions about their property. i just did it with a commercial property. on. palm canyon drive i said hey this is tim. uh i have a client of investor that's. really interested in the property what. are we looking at per square foot and. what are some of the local restrictions. we should know about. and you know these whole things they go.

into this whole thing they go well. you know they don't want a coffee shop. in there because starbucks there's a. competing business clause. so starbucks doesn't want a coffee shop. this is how the corporate takeover of. america is by the way. because when starbucks moves into an. area they go yeah we don't need we don't. want some independent coffee shop. opening. not all areas but a lot of them we don't. need somebody slinging lattes for less. than we are so the guy goes. well there's a sprint store so we can't. do a competing business blah blah blah. and we talked about it there's a lot of. parking behind i said thank you i said i. have an investor but he's very concerned. about you know the competing business.

clause and everything like that i was on. the phone this guy for about 10 minutes. and he's saying oh tim that's cruel. their time has value. no it doesn't and i will continue to do. fake business. because i enjoy i like doing fake. business it's one of my favorite things. to do i like to call people. and i like to lie about who i am and and. and what i do. and then i like to see how they conduct. business because on their end. they're conducting real business i'm. conducting fake business. now never the two shall meet we've. gotten to the point where i was we're.

almost. one of my clients who doesn't exist was. almost going to put an offer on a house. this was last week i was i've been on. the phone with this realtor for like 45. minutes three times in a row i've had. the blocker finally she doesn't know. what happened. sometimes i have to block the people. because fake business gets very intense. fake business people start drawing up. contracts i mean she was calling. appraisers she was gonna have. inspections done. you know i'm was representing a very. motivated overseas client. now sadly that client died of. coronavirus.

before we could go see the property. that's not my fault and i tried to. explain that to her. but she was kind of confused and started. saying oh this you know blah blah blah. are you real is this real cops fbi. whatever blah blah blah blocked. blocked i'm helping train these. professionals. do you understand yes or yes i by. calling them. people need practice so this schmuck. over there on palm canyon i did use my. real name by the way. like this is tim dillon and sometimes i.

make up a firm name sometimes i use a. real firm name. sometimes i just say this is tim dillon. with futures he does what like a futures. investment. he goes okay you just go okay go yeah. all right. i go yeah you got a commercial listing. on palm canyon on the corner. i'm wondering what we're looking at. price per square foot what's the parking. in the area like. what's the competing business clause. well any local restrictions we should. know about. i have a team of investors that are. looking to expand into this area many of. them uh.

sometimes it's a franchise sometimes not. but i'm just you know it's an investment. group they're very interested they love. the visibility of the location oh he. goes it's a great location. so they love the visibility of the look. and see right there we're beginning to. do. fake business because then he goes to. his wife and goes. i just got a call from a guy that may be. interested in this. and then he tells the secretary and then. he tells his partner so. i'm in i'm in and i'll give him a. follow-up call later tonight i'll have. 10 more bullet point questions before i.

bring my investiture. i do this a lot of people. i was explaining to someone at dinner. that i did i do this and it goes it's. horrible. i said why i'm doing fake business. they go why i said i like doing it so i. don't have a real estate license. and i can't do real business but i at. least can do fake business. they said that's pretty sick i said. maybe you're sick. because i want realtors to get the best.

professional. i want your golf a lot right. when you golf when you golf every day. are you better at it. yes absolutely now that doesn't matt now. even that includes going to a driving. range sure. right correct right sometimes i see. golfers swing clubs in their backyard. helps helps doesn't matter if it's real. or fake. what matters is that this guy's going. through the moat the next guy to call. him might be real. but i'm gonna beat that guy out i'm.

gonna do a competitive offer. because i conduct fake business well and. many people don't. a lot of people do things people go on. fake diets i've done a ton of them. people do all kinds of things that. aren't real people are fake comedians. they pretend to be a comedian for a. decade and impoverish themselves. and live on a floor and walk dogs fine. that's all when you go home to your. family for thanksgiving and you go i'm a. comedian. they're eating and they're like no.

you're not you're a pretend comedian. you're a fake comedian. i am a fake real estate investor and i i. will continue to do fake business. so if you get a call from a guy that. sounds. like me just be forewarned. the deal's not closing the deal is not. closing. i have an interest in presenting myself. i have a lot of clients when i do fake. business. they're very busy many of them are. overseas.

they cannot handle i mean we should. probably get the phone do a little fake. business right now. maybe we get our phone can you get the. phone let's do a little fake business. because i don't think people understand. what i bring to the table and how good i. really. am do you have my is that my phone. let me call this guy back how did we get. him in the road caster is he in the road.

caster. hello hey adam tim dillon how are you we. spoke about the property on palm canyon. a few minutes ago. yeah hey tim how's it going good buddy. how are you i wanted to know if there's. a list. of the competing clause uh my client's. asking me if there's a list. of businesses whether it's starbucks. sprint things like that. that we could kind of figure out what. the restrictions are just so i could.

kind of email that to them because he. wants to show it to the. his investors if that's possible also is. there a way they can get out to see the. proper. property maybe later in the week. yeah yeah i live about four minutes from. it so not too. difficult that and um. uh i will just go to the center right. now and send you a quick list of all. the businesses that are in there all. right i would appreciate that let me ask. you a question too how long has this. probably been on the market i have i. haven't looked it up yet.

yeah i've been marketing it for maybe i. think. i was i just signed it like right when. covet hit and then. i delayed it for like two or three. months so i'd say maybe like two or. three months now. okay and before you had it was it was it. sitting there for a while or no they. always like to know these things. yeah i don't i know banner mattress was. there up until recently. okay um so i know there's a mattress. right across the street yeah i saw that. is this would this be a five year lease.

or what do we what are they looking for. in terms of. commitment yeah it really just depends. on the. the tenant and the rate and things like. that obviously the longer the. commitment the better we can do on the. rate um. but um you know i think they're open. right now okay and. i imagine i imagine they're open to some. form of negotiation. at you know given the climate of course. okay well i appreciate that we're here. to do deals yeah.

me too but i mean me too. it's a little wild out there you know. are you guys mainly commercial you do. any residential. um i do a bit of both okay good yeah you. got to be kind of a generalist out here. i i agree yeah a lot of people are. starting to get interested in this area. and i think it's because. you know la's had a lot of problems and. a lot of. a lot of my clients i do business. primarily in in los angeles. and a lot of people are starting to look. at this area.

and um you know a lot of them are are. excited about maybe jumping into. uh something here you know because the. high season i imagine it's what january. through through june. uh yeah january through april is our. high high season right um but we're. pretty much like right now like. september through. april um you know so we have kind of we. kind of have like a shoulder mid-season. uh which is september through december. right um and then january. april just crushes and then uh coachella. is obviously.

in stagecoach earned april and that kind. of you know. and we have a memorial day weekend july. 4th. during the summer of course i appreciate. that well listen i have you guys i have. your website. i'm gonna shoot you an email um just. again introducing myself and then if you. could just get me a list of some of. those competing business clauses just so. i can show it to them. and uh hopefully they'll get out to see. it sometime uh. next week you know they're they're super. interested one of them lives out here in. rancho. and uh they pass it all the time so they. had me just kind of reach out to you.

and see what was going on but they're. pretty motivated and again. i think it's all about you know how. restrictive those clauses are. yeah i i think they're going to be. pretty flexible so i'll shoot you the. businesses. yes and uh we'll see if we can do. something okay i appreciate it adam. thanks a lot for your time. all right thank you so do it's fake. business. and i'm doing it well i'm doing it well. let's be honest i'm doing it well. i'm protecting the interests of my. clients. am i not am i not protecting the.

interests of my clients. when i conduct fake business my fake. clients. are important and they need to be. protected. i want them to have the maximum amount. of freedom. in any given situation you understand. start doing fake business it'll change. your life i'm telling you that right now. start doing it no one can start you. don't need a license. you just need a phone and a computer. and you can start doing fake business.

set up a fake email address i have one. start doing fake business right now it's. the gateway to real business. are you bored are you sitting around. at home you don't know what to do build. a fake empire of whatever business you. choose. you don't need any type of license to do. this. you can just call people and. be the person you've always been meant. to be i think i've always meant to be. sort of a rainmaker putting together.

deals. a guy with a six-pack and a huge [ __ ]. [ __ ] people of every gender doesn't. matter maybe connected to intelligence. maybe not. power broker type of guy and that's what. i now of course. i'm not that i'm negotiating commercial. real estate mattress transactions to. rancho mirage it doesn't only. fake business doesn't always work out. the way you want it to. i wanted to be fake cia i can't do that. but i'm a fake realtor in the [ __ ].

desert. even your fake life will not be as great. you see even you're pretending even in. my pretend life. i'm just a shitty realtor looking to. sniff out a bach. but i know who i am i know who i am in. my real life and my fake life and that's. what's the most important thing. set the expectations for your fake. business. high but reasonable this is my advice to. you. gary vaynerchuk tells you to start a.

real business oh i say no no. i say start a fake one start a pretend. business. you can do everything that you will do. in a real business there's much less. risk. sure these people get upset after a. while after you've called them 17 or 18. times. you have to make up stories about what. happened to your investor why didn't you. show up to the showing. you were in the hospital it's easy to do. i'm just telling you it's important oh. tim these people's time is valuable no. it's not. no it's not they love it all they do all.

day is talk to 90 people one of them. signs a contract. i'm one of the fake people until the. contract is signed. all business for intents and purposes is. fake. business and i am one of the best. that's what i've been doing here to keep. myself sane. [Music]. i mean right now i'm negotiating a strip. mall in connecticut. you see that's much more. it's much more complex because there's.

many different. storefronts you see see what i mean. as you get better at fake business you. have to start looking things up you got. to know tax numbers you got to know. profit and loss i mean you got to really. know your stuff. if you want to start talking to real i. have some real deal people i talk to. they're legit they make real money and. they think i'm a realtor. you know they think i represent an. investment group. so that's what i think you should do if.

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ridge.com tim but la is getting tougher. to live in it's getting harder to. justify living here. many people are leaving the state tax in. los angeles. is 13 13. state tax and then it goes. up they're trying to make it. 17 that's almost 20. of your money for high earners.

higher earners are people that earn a. million dollars a year. now obviously we're not crying for. anyone that makes a million dollars a. year. but if you're making a million dollars a. year in a business where you don't have. to be in california. and you can go somewhere else and not. pay. really high taxes it would be one thing. if the high taxes led to people having. better lives. that's what interested many people about. bernie sanders he was from outside.

of the system he was going to come in we. were all going to pay higher taxes. but people are going to be able to start. getting health care and coverage. and it was going to be a transition and. it might take years maybe even a decade. and there would be some pain involved. but at the end of that situation. perhaps i don't know if it would have. worked or not it was worth maybe. trying at the end of that situation you. were going to potentially have. uh coverage for people and then if. you're going to pay higher taxes the.

idea of having health coverage. makes a lot of sense to just pay higher. taxes so that we can. continue to build drones to bomb uh kids. playing soccer in pakistan. uh doesn't make any sense to me. okay these pretend wars and by the way. what do you think the government's doing. out there. fake business doing a lot of fake wars. that we don't need to [ __ ] fight and. we're paying for it. if these taxes went to something that. was actually verifiable.

maybe people would be more into i don't. know where we're gonna end up i don't. know. ben is from texas he's ready to go back. there he's ready to go back. get baptized again start speaking in. tongues he'll do it. he'll do it they put him right in the. lake. he wants to go down there and stare at. the sun. go into the woods see the devil fight. him. maybe lose but show up for the fight. he remembers that how he grew up and he.

might go back to that. i might put him right back in a cult i. might start a mega church. yes i would be a great mega church. pastor. great tent preacher sweaty a tent. i could be so good at that he has never. forgotten about you. but you have forgotten about him. he has never forgotten you say that over. and over again. whip them up into a frenzy.

this thing by the way so airbnb here's. the way i want to talk about airbnb. right now because airbnb is very. interesting and then we're going to talk. about that satanic house on airbnb. because i think that's very funny. somebody went to an airbnb and said uh i. think i'm about to be sacrificed. so they left a lot of long-term. rentals on airbnb right now are are are. are really fairly priced. especially in big cities like new york.

or l.a a lot. and i learned this from james altucher. the guy who wrote that new york is dead. article. who is a part owner investor in the. stand-up new york mossad. scam that is a comedy club in new york. city which is a front uh. to send weapons to the idf which is fine. but let's let's call things what they. are um. and james altucher said people are. getting great deals long-term airbnbs. you do not you don't have to there's no. broker fee. there's no credit there's no [ __ ]. it's no risk for the people renting out.

because you pay up front. and your credit is your reviews on. airbnb. so that's probably what i'll do for the. next six months to a year until i find. out where i want to live or where i'm. gonna go. i'll just hop around to different. airbnbs obviously if you have a family. that's harder. but it is much easier now to do two or. three month rentals. in airbnbs you could hop around from. area to area to see which one you really. like. they're all furnished they're you know. you look at the reviews they're well.

reviewed if you're. well reviewed you're not going in and. trashing people's homes you don't have. to deal with realtors. brokers broker fees credit financial. documents. any of that [ __ ] you don't have to show. up with tax returns there's no approval. process. it's so simple what this is the perfect. way to do it. it really is now the problem is you got. to come up with the money up front. but if you could do something within. your budget and you have a couple of. months of rent saved. boom just like that you're in it's not a. big deal. but that is really interesting what is.

happening and you look at all these. realtors you're like well what are all. these realtors gonna [ __ ] do. what are all these real estate you know. agents going to do that primarily cater. to the rental market you know like uber. airbnb and this is really the thing with. capitalism it's like. you do have these real it is kind of an. issue here. where you just have these companies that. are very efficient. they come into a market they disrupt it. which i hate that word but that is. what's happening. and then they realign the market so that.

they trim the fat. and the fat is a lot of people's. livelihoods. a lot of people make a living on that. fat chewing on that fat. and a lot of companies and these tech. giants. that are worth billions of dollars. employ. very few people compare so then you. think maybe the realtors transition into. property managers. maybe they transition into maybe you. know the cleaning crews now are working. you know especially because of culvert. but also uh you know they have to flip.

the property and have to go in there and. clean. um you know there may be. places jobs for people to transition to. i hope so. you know um and that's you know that's. what i see happening is very interesting. i spoke to somebody real estate and. they're like airbnb. is is very interesting and it's taking a. lot of. um a lot of the. process which is annoying the process.

you don't have to go see the house you. don't have to do it you just look at the. pictures they're high def people go the. pictures look exactly like the house. you read the reviews you go good i'm in. that's it's easy. you pay a cleaning fee you pay up front. and then you're just kind of in you can. stay there two three four months. whatever. you know you could stay a month say [ __ ]. it i hate it i'm going somewhere else. you know and this really works for. people that don't have a lot of [ __ ]. if you have a lot of stuff i live out of. a bag i have clothes that's it. i don't want to furnish anything ever.

truly i have no interior design. you know it's the least gay thing about. me that i don't like interior design. also that i look and sound the way i do. but i don't care i want to buy a. furniture if i go to texas i'm getting a. furnished place. somebody also furnitured somebody else. will do it couples love doing that. couples like walking around stores they. have nothing to do. i don't know i think is this the lamp. that we like. is this that is that this is what it is. i don't have any time i'm doing fake.

business and trying to save the world. i'm entertaining people i don't give a. [ __ ] about the coffee table does it work. but airbnb is very interesting so this. guy frederick joseph who is he by the. way this guy frederick joseph. i like him author the black friend. forbes. under 30 marketer founder. former national surrogate for elizabeth. warren and bernie sanders fair enough. okay i like this guy because i i like.

when people. invite you into their private lives to. make a public point. yeah i like this i'm gonna read his. whole thread here on twitter he's trying. to get a refund from airbnb but i've. i've kind of done things like this i. give up because i want to just. insult the company and lie about what. happened. more than i actually want my money back. so i will you know i was famously in a. feud with dan kim the ceo over at mango.

frozen yogurt um and then i would i. would say that i was raped in his. store and to me it was more important. because i just said let us make our own. yogurt because they still made it for. you at red mango you know. it was the heyday of self-serving this. [ __ ] would so then i just. started claiming i was being. raped in his store and that there were. rapes happening in store. now that was more important to me than. any type of real change. do you see what i mean i was just trying. to use buzzwords to get attention.

and to upset him i just want to upset. people. on social media more than i want to get. something. frederick joseph says we just drove. three hours my eight-year-old. wait a minute we just drove three hours. my eight-year-old brother for a getaway. okay another thing folks let's do the. grammar a little bit if we're gonna go. out and call out a company and try to. make a little money which i have nothing. against. we just drove three hours my. eight-year-old brother for getaway in. the house we arrived at. ended up having seemingly satanic items. and stuff for witchcraft.

rituals we had to leave because my. brother and the rest of us were. frightened but airbnb won't refund me. thread so now the first four pictures. are abacomets. you know the uh so go up here. we got uh bahamut which is creepy. because it's got. it's the goat figure with the satanic. pentagram. and then two children looking up at. bahamut. and then next to it is a picture of a. goat it is creepy. the people that own this house are.

probably satanists but many satanists. aren't really. dangerous they're annoying. they're just people that tried to get. into something because they couldn't. figure anything else out they're like. i'm gonna put a bunch of candles around. my apartment. hopefully my life now has meaning. spoiler alert. it does not it does not. your embrace of the dark arts. notwithstanding go to work.

please i rented this house to do writing. and spend time with my fiance brother. and cousin already i don't love that. idea. already i don't love the idea of you. going with your fiance brother and. cousin. to do right why are you going somewhere. to do writing. with three other people i don't believe. you're doing any writing. be honest i rented the house to work out.

and i and i brought with me a cake. it doesn't make any sense i call out. companies. all the time but again i'm never looking. for a refund i'm just looking to get. someone in the company very nervous. about something. even for a split second and then they. find out i'm a comedian and then move on. but even for just a split second if. somebody at red mango has to read the. words. i was sexually assaulted. in your uh frozen yogurt shop.

and i started doing this because i had. the chocolate sorbet. soft serve which had sorbitol in it or. sugar alcohol which made me [ __ ] myself. for 72 hours. like i had dengue fever i basically had. malaria. okay it was not nice so then in order to. kind of right the wrong there i then. started tweeting at red mango that i was. viciously attacked i had to delete the. tweets i was in danger of being. removed from twitter.

i rented this house to do some writing. lie and spend time with my fiancee. brother and cousin it seemed like a nice. place pretty basic layout from the. listing. pictures below but as we drove up we. noticed there were no other houses in. the area. just rundown shacks and no phone signal. now what do you think ben ben you think. everything's satanic benjamin. every time we see a gnarled branch of a. tree ben thinks it's a scene at a true. detective. because he's always looking for satan. that's what he's always looking for. satan he just wants someone. to care about him even if that person is. trying to kill him.

man just wants somebody other than his. lovely wife he just wants somebody out. there. to notice him besides me and he thinks. that person will be the dark lord. what if how what a lofty ideal you think. satan's trying to find you. she can go golf. does this seem weird to you that there. was nowhere else up there. no this is just people trying to be edgy. right i think so but let's go on we're. not done with this yet. okay okay when we walked up to the house.

we noticed an animal skull hanging on. the outside of the house so i went. by the way i had an experience like this. at an airbnb montauk. and it was all native american stuff. yeah and i'm not. saying that native americans are satan. but they've got some animal skulls and. some things it was a motif. if the decor was not for me especially. because it was a white woman named sarah. okay now you know the way i feel about. cultural appropriation i think it's. [ __ ]. but i do get uncomfortable when a pretty.

peppy white chick serves me chicken and. waffles. i want a mean middle-aged black woman. who's seen things. to hand me my chicken and waffles okay. and i want her to call me sugar. and then i want her to go in the back of. the restaurant and say. call me that big [ __ ]. i don't want some girl who went to. oberlin college. i don't want somebody named sarah. running out of shack and montauk and. [ __ ] you know thinking she's. pocahontas because she's threw a bunch. of. [ __ ] quilts in it.

[Music]. sarah you're the person that gave them. the smallpox blankets. you. when i walked to the bay when i walked i. went to the basement and found more. animal skulls and ritualistic floor. markings where were they did you have. photos of them i don't think so and then. i went up to the rooms to find much. more it is a creepy house a little bit. as you walk through the two rooms you. found a bunch of imagery candles books. etc for rituals and what looked like. devil worship my brother was terrified. as were we. we called airbnb see i would have fun if.

i was a satanist and i had this type of. house. it is creepy i would put a picture of. john podesta in the kitchen. and a picture of hillary clinton just. fun have a little fun with it. have a little fun with it we called. airbnb and told them we couldn't stay. there and explain the situation. keep going down we were told that we. couldn't receive a refund and they spoke. to the owner. who said they were just a few small art. pieces and that they could come remove. this was a lie it was a whole damn house. not a few things a bahamat.

hidden behind a dead bird in a bag. there was also a bridge from the woods. behind the house to the back patio. needless to say. we left because we are black i don't. know what that is. but i guess it's like a movie like. they're like this is a horror movie. we're black we know this works yeah i. guess. but i get it black white asian. whatever pacific islander. norse people nordics whatever who's ever. out there. i understand this is creepy needless to.

say we left because we were black and. not dealing. with something that was one advertised. completely different. would it be funny if you went to the. airbnb listing and they were like it. literally says. satan's lair you know there's some angry. airbnb persons like. it says satan's lair in the description. it says for losers who couldn't finish a. screenplay. that now have an interest in [ __ ]. satanism. weird german philosophers and the dark.

arts. looks like a scene from hereditary. made the entire family feel unsafe all. of that to say this isn't our guest. should be treated i use airbnb. frequently and there are many reasons in. this situation which would warrant a. refund especially our safety mental. emotional health. so a lot of people uh we closed that out. but there's a lot of people on twitter. that are now like hey [ __ ]. crosses make me feel uncomfortable yeah. i saw that i go to airbnb all the time. there's lots of religious artifacts that.

make me feel. uncomfortable why should you get a. refund i walk in a house i see buddhas. i see all kinds of statues that are not. in line with my religion. i don't know which side i come down on. this i think it's a little creepy. and then people are like welcome to the. country it's like that's not it. that's not the take dummy city guy. doesn't understand the country. it's a creepy house we would have stayed. in it yes. we would have stayed i would not have.

asked for a refund um. [Music]. you know. i'd fill that house with a bunch of. people to make to satan satan is scared. stand-up comedians desperate. sad comics. you think uh uh human sacrifice is scary. have you ever seen. uh somebody over 40 to a tick tock that. ain't good either. that ain't nice either but i would have.

stayed there i don't think i would have. asked for a refund. i don't believe in that black magic. where i don't think you can get me i'm. pr. baby i'm protected i protected the light. of the lord. i will redecorate that house in magga. [ __ ]. they'll come back to that airbnb they'll. come back to that airbnb. guess who's on the porch that looks like. tim dylan and candace owens. and we're singing that martina mcbride. song he independent.

let freedom ring. let the wand of sing. let the whole world oh that today. oscar's got an ak. it's a day of reckoning. what if i just replaced all the bahamats. with pictures of oscar. in a maga hat stop being a puss about. everything so satan has owned a house. they might have sacrificed a few people. out who cares. i'm glad they're in the country whatever.

i'm your beeswax my friend josh's jewish. mother you said i'll tell you mind your. beeswax. she also said once i was eating french. toast it was disgusting she was have you. ever had such. jewish cooking it's like this is. horrible. eileen this is horrific it's very very. bad. the holla is not sufficiently submerged. in. that's the thing about keto and i've. been on it for.

a few days and uh the mental clarity i. have is. is good and you know ben is still eating. sugar because he's weak. and weak people constantly. um you know go back to what makes them. comfortable but i have no problem. journeying out. and really holding myself accountable. and kind of running my body like a. machine i run this. like a machine not the machine of course. that's bert. but uh i uh it is interesting. and you start you think of carbs.

like it's a little you just you kind of. you kind of look at carbs you never ate. you never cared about and you they seem. like enticing and alluring. what's your favorite breakfast. carbohydrate. if you had to pick a breakfast. carbohydrate. let me give you the options okay so you. don't say something. completely absurd and derailed the. entire. broadcast as you've done many times. before. which is why lisa ayat will be here very.

soon lee's coming. i'm shipping lisayet in fedex he'll be. joining the program. oh he's here right now hello. you stay there until we're ready i'm. kidding i'm kidding. hype means nothing i like lee i love lee. and joey in the church and the. whatever it is whatever else i love. everyone um. my love for everyone is immeasurable. you can't measure it can you measure it.

correct what is your favorite the. choices are pancakes waffles and uh. french toast oh man what well. why are you shocked that those are the. choices i thought you were gonna throw. bagel in there. oh okay are you ready pancakes. waffles french toast those are the. choices. it's pancakes for sure. very interesting let me explain to you. the breakfast carbohydrate uh pyramid. for. for those of you who are out there who. are not on keto that might want to.

indulge in these things. pancakes are. [Laughter]. they are the most edible. because they are made well with the. highest frequency. okay you go out and order pancakes. they're good 80 of the time. the waffle you go down to 50. now french toast now here's the [ __ ].

thing listen up. if done well if. executed perfectly without a [ __ ]. smidgen of uh of a. inaccuracy it has to be done to the tea. every morsel perfect. french toast is the best if it is really. done well. but it is rarely done well french toast.

has only done well. 30 of the time these are. scientific figures from being fat for 20. 20 years. 25 years these are scientific. figures studies i've done across the. country doesn't matter. across the world french toast can be. amazing. the best type of french toast really is. there's all kinds of breads you can use. for french toast but really good is just. that white trash. wonder bread type of french toast that's.

really good ton of butter in a pan. nice and soft store-bought syrup never. that vermont [ __ ] it's never as good. that gooey. uh you know uh what is it basically that. syrup is basically just uh. high fructose corn syrup that's all it. is uh you know. um and that's really good but if you. have truly transcendent french toast i'm. talking about. little orange rind little orange zest. little tahitian vanilla. like there's a few things that can be. done the french toast that make it. it elevates french toast pancakes are.

amazing. respect level waffle love the belgian. waffles soft. fat belgian waffle in america not the. hard [ __ ] they gnaw on in brussels [ __ ]. you oh it's the liege waffle you shut. the [ __ ] up we know you love hitler. but waffles are often too crispy. they're burnt they're dry they're not. good. they become crackers you dip in syrup. it's a problem. pancakes can get too fat too fluffy too.

bready too dry. they need to have a life to them the. best pancakes are at the clinton street. baking company in new york city. why because they're soft in the middle. but on the outside they have that little. hardened. brown butter loop and that is hardened. because it is the way your parents used. to make them because parents the butter. would not go in the pan they didn't know. the butter was all over the pan and it. would kind of unevenly kind of cook the. pancake. so when you're eating the pancake from. the clinton street bacon company you. remember when you thought there was love. in the world.

that's why they're so good because you. remember when the world made sense and. you thought there was love and now of. course you realize that those were child. childish fantasies that we are living in. hell and we are all. demons but that pancake. makes you feel better there's a great. place called. burnt toast in algonquin illinois elgin. they make a phenomenal french toast get. burnt toast up right now let's give. birth toast a little free [ __ ] uh you. know advertising my. friend um we dropped his hooker.

girlfriend back off there she's not a. hooker she was a stripper she was kind. of a hooker it doesn't matter she's in. jail. we call her blagojevich she has a couple. of kids different races she's very woke. we respect her the point is this. we went there to drop her dogs off to. her um. and we i i had breakfast at this place. this place is such a [ __ ] good. breakfast place. they have grand marnier french toast. there and let me tell you right now. it'll change your [ __ ]. life where is it what's going on i don't. love these new pictures what's happening. i got french toast sticks. here no i don't like that at all.

interesting i don't like this at all. something's happening and i'm on. i'm i don't like it i'm i'm about to. launch into a. a diatribe that is against you can you. just google image. burnt toast elgin illinois. uh french toast let's try to find this. skeleton. elgin yeah i don't know why it's not. it's not coming up here. send me a photo do you have yelp or. tripadvisor or anything yeah let's get. on yelp.

go on yelp because this is great french. toast and if you send me a picture. of your banana bread french toast. i will do absolutely nothing but i will. repost it. if you're in that area this is if you. really want to get some killer french. toast out there and you're in chicago if. you're in chicago. you want to get some good french toast. here we're going to. show you how that works it's really good. breakfast place. my friend ryan loved him he's in rehab. now.

and uh so we could just find. let's just keep scrolling down let's try. to find the french chest i i don't know. why. this is such a [ __ ] problem so here. here go to the left. go left a little bit okay go down okay. to the right. this one. so this is kind of their i think the. regular french toast and it's got the. banana stuff on it this doesn't look. good and it's not photographed well this. is kind of. not i don't know see what's grand.

marnier french toast comes with bananas. and walnuts on top so the grand marnier. french toast. is really good it is good indeed this. doesn't look good get this out of here. x out of all of this [ __ ] i'm sick of. trying to help places that don't know. how to market. do you know how much work i put into. fake business. you know how much how many [ __ ] i. wonder how many people could be mad at. me for just calling random people. probably no one who cares. doesn't matter what else is going on we.

are on the road let's get the. dates up and let's figure out where. we're going to be come see us live it's. a lot of fun. fort worth hyenas comedy club friday. september 25th. also two shows there dallas all sold out. but we've. added another show so get tickets to. that two show saturday we got a sunday. show in dallas. nashville is selling out we're adding a. show in nashville salt lake city adding. a show. phoenix buy those tickets we don't have. to add yet tampa adding a show. okay so nashville and tampa we are. adding shows.

phoenix are tickets still available. nashville and temple we've added a show. you can get tickets now. dallas show's added you can get tickets. now west palm beach. october 22nd through the 24th lot of fun. please show up and have jobs unlike. those instagram influencers i performed. for thank you to gila eli klein what's. her name. ela gila gila yeah she was the best. audience member of them all and she. laughed and she understood language. uh some of those uh uh uh uh ladies.

in the crowd the whole thing they were. like this. they didn't understand i think if. there's not a phone like this they don't. know they're alive. there's got to be a phone like this if. you hold it near them it's like a magnet. it's like. but other than that they're they're down. for the count but thank you to the h3h3. lady for uh being a very responsive. audience member she was a lot of.

fun but again we're gonna be we're gonna. be out all these places uh we're gonna. be. uh doing some fun [ __ ] and then we're. kind of shutting down for the holidays. and uh you know for we're gonna do some. stuff in early november too. denver potentially some other places but. then we're shutting down for the rest of. november and then probably also for. december. or we're gonna go back out on the road. sometime next year. um you know we're going to be picking. uh some different markets we're gonna.

have some overseas stuff. hopefully spoke to a doctor today about. covert he's like listen it's not. political it should have never been. political. um you know he goes we've had 10 deaths. from the regular flu in the in the. coachella valley. this year so he said listen man he goes. i know you don't like wearing the masks. but. he goes it does help he goes it does. help and he goes we're getting better at. treating this over the last 60 days he. did say that. the vaccines that are coming out the. three big ones pfizer astrazeneca and. somebody else i forget moderna those. three moderna.

pfizer and astrazeneca which um are the. three vaccine candidates because they're. very safe but they may not be effective. he goes when you have a vaccine the most. important thing is that it is safe. because effective doesn't really matter. if it doesn't work it doesn't work you. just you can get another one. but what you don't want is any adverse. health effects and he goes he's going to. read a little bit more and. before he gives it to himself and his. children but he did say they've gotten a. lot better at treating covet. um but he did say that they don't know. what's going to happen if you have. covert in the regular flu and blah blah. i mean the reality is the problem has.

become this is such a political. football for both sides that we've lost. you just go talk to a doctor talk to a. person with a lab coat on that has a. medical degree. because it can be like yeah it's real it. [ __ ] people up this is what it is you. gotta you know distance or whatever. but also it's not the end of the world. and you you know that we will. he says we're probably six months we're. being kind of really out of that we have. to go through the winter so like. it's hopeful it's also like you know. wouldn't it be great if he said um if i.

said what do you think the deals at. chronovirus he said. lock the door. what he goes. there is no coronavirus this is a. military operation because. there is a satanic pedophile cabal led. by tom. hanks we have released this disease. ourself. because the one that hillary clinton was. going to release was going to be a lot. worse that. would have killed everybody but this is.

not that bad. we're releasing it so that we can have a. total shutdown of the american. electrical grid in the internet. which will allow an army of people that. donald trump has personally selected. to go and serve 120 000 subpoenas. because. even though these are satanic pedophile. cannibals we need to subpoena them we. have to indict them we have to do this. the right way. even though they are dark arch magicians. that are murdering children. we have to do it the right way this is. why donald trump is in office to do this. so that's what the coronavirus is so you. don't really have to wear a mask or do.

any of the distancing. but just prepare yourself for the three. days of darkness. and for the arrests of everyone in the. political system the media in hollywood. now you can unlock the door. and i just look at him and i go. wow and he goes also you have adult. [Laughter]. eczema. that's what i was expecting but he.

actually had a pretty reasonable. explanation that involved. data and numbers boring. but that is what is out there so you got. to be careful but we're doing all of. these shows are safe. to the degree that they can be they're. socially distanced. you know you got to take uh take. responsibility i'm going to be out there. where i'm masking up on the plane. wearing some [ __ ]. face shield or whatever i have to do um. and then once we get in the club we we. we will be funny and then we'll all.

leave we're not going to do meet and. greets we're not going to. hug it's just you move on you know. and uh that's gonna be the solution. um we're gonna run now because the. episode is over but more importantly i. have a lot of stuff to do on that. commercial property. right now i'm palm canyon i have to. start looking at. cash flow statements profit loss kind of. a big deal. so i will have you ever done fake.

business. no but i've seen you do it millions of. times not cut out for it. you're not cut out for it that's not an. insult but you're not cut out for it. there's a certain type of person that is. cut out to build an empire that doesn't. really exist and i am that person. so anybody out there answering a phone. call trying to do business. beware because i'm coming. and i have the facts and the stats. and that deal is not going to close in.

fact i'm going to be like a vaper. like this guy used to call me all the. time he had all these motivated clients. whatever happened to that guy. that guy disappeared he's just sitting. on the porch of a satanic b. b with candace owens and a great cat. loading ak-47s. and singing songs because the power of. christ. will not be beaten good night.