#217 - Cuties | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim. dillon show we are here. saturday night for you every week. saturday night or sunday morning. whenever you are. coming across this broadcast um. i'm watching my friend's bulldog my. friend got uh. he had a baby he had a baby and he. texted me and said are you in la. and i was because i was performing at. whitney cummings uh. stand-up show that she had in her.

driveway. we'll talk about that in a moment and um. i had said i would do it i said i'd take. the dog when you had a baby i said when. the. when the baby comes i'll take the dog. you don't think anyone's gonna actually. remember these things you say but you. say them in the hopes that people will. forget about them. and then disappear from your life but uh. because that didn't happen i had to. honor my commitment. so he is here and we will bring him uh. we'll get him on screen eventually but.

uh we're gonna just. so we we may have to just you may see us. our eyes darting around the room because. these bulldogs is like a little. hippopotamus. it's like a little pig and uh. it just uh destroys everything i mean. they can't procreate they ca they can. barely breathe they can't. walk i mean it's it's uh amazing and i. was on the phone ray comrade comes like. that's a pig. i'm like what yeah a lot of things. disgusting put it down. what do you think people say about you.

by the way i i want to say and i don't. always you know people sometimes notice. something i'm in that's not this show. um and i and i and i appreciate that you. know i don't announce all of my projects. and the things i do here but sometimes. there are fans. uh of me that will recognize me and go. hey you were in that you know i was on. the danny uh. that show with uh the rapper why am i. blanking oh you played danny brown. danny brown i played peeper of the. telescope on the danny brett get off the. bed.

don't [ __ ] with the book and. just get him yeah he's gonna rip it open. just move the book. please i mean. just relax. just stop doing everything you're doing. just let him on the bed. ben just let him on the bed let him. sleep. danny brown i played peeper the. telescope and it was a great honor to do. that i liked danny brown a lot. it was a funny it's a funny show the.

dialogue was funny. um and now people have noticed me. uh in the new netflix film cuties. and it's been an honor to be in that and. it's just. such a a real treat i am one of the. cuties. and i play a young woman who. is being exploited sexually. and uh people are in arms about it. they're up in arms about it.

uh i've not seen this kurt metzger my. friend i was talking to him last night. and he said. this is an intersectional car crash. because you have uh a woman of color. director. who's trying to i guess shed light on. the idea that young girls are being. exploited sexually. but how did they shed light on the idea. that young girls were being exploited. sexually. by sexually exploiting young girls. so supposedly the last scene in this. film is so disturbing. and such clear like bait for pedophiles.

that it's so absurd that there's. nationwide campaigns. cancel netflix people are. canceling netflix which i thought i saw. cancelled netflix i just i have to do it. jenny slate. but no it's it's cuties i'm kidding love. jenny in the whole uh squad. um but cuties have you seen. cuties not seen it yet you're lying. you've been watching cuties.

that's a real sick by the way how. sick is it like that's the real [ __ ]. somebody calls you and they're like hey. i uh. i found a movie on netflix is great you. might want to check it out. what's it called cuties by the way the. name. sounds like a dark web cp website. cuties and the marketing for the thing. is not good like the marketing for it is.

not like we're shedding light on the. issue of. exploitation of miners the marketing for. it is like look at these. [ __ ] twerk that's the problem. the problem is the marketing is like. it's female empowerment yes queen. i'm 11 years old and here's my [ __ ]. and it's like whoa whoa. i mean the marketing for this is out of. control why does that girl in the back. kind of look like val kilmer.

the point is this terrifying. this is not appropriate get it off the. screen just show it for a minute we. don't want to have this. let's not have that be the backdrop. please god only knows. the point is that people are angry. justifiably. at cuties shapiro ben shapiro could take. on it where he was like. the message is getting lost kind of in. the marketing of the film. because i think the marketing of the the. inter you have so many different. you know buzzwords here going on it's. like female empowerment.

and then also like exploitation so it's. like you have these young. scantily clad miners in doing very. sexually suggestive dances. on netflix this is the set is about to. come down. the set is about to come down. are you hold on i'm gonna get him hold. on. hold on.

this is the producer of cuties this is. why. he's trying to destroy the show stand up. now sit sit. please sit sit. down sit. have you seen cuties is this why you're.

trying to destroy the show do you have. any respect for anything. when he first met oscar oscar really. tried to [ __ ] him up. and duncan didn't understand because. duncan didn't understand. he didn't understand that there was evil. in the world until he met oscar. and oscar just tried to attack him for. absolutely no reason. and duncan's just trying to dunk in. duncan it's a. podcast i mean. what is the history of this dog like.

these dogs how did they even. come about. it's so crazy but what the point here is. that. cuties is uh are really getting. people angry i've not seen it i don't. really plan on seeing it. i don't plan on seeing cuties. duncan you're a cutie are you now he's. [ __ ] up the sound. you can't do this duncan.

911 just came and passed. duncan what do you think about 911. all right you have to get down now have. to get down oh god. he's such a monster hold on hold on. get him down say goodbye ever to. everyone duncan. we got to talk about 911 now duncan. he's so heavy he's so incredibly heavy.

everybody you know this girl i'm friends. with on facebook she put a photo with. donald trump up holding a flag and she. goes two days after 9 11. she goes. he'll always get my vote he's always put. america first. and you're like well if that's all we. need to do to secure your vote is to. hold up a flag on the roof of a building. two days after a national tragedy well. then that's. ah he'll never not get my vote.

even if he serves two terms and he wants. to serve another one. he'll get my vote because he held a flag. up after 9 11. by the way one of the funniest things. ever that i've ever seen. there was this tour guide who was like. this old bitter. guy and he was just an angry guy when i. was a tour guide in new york city on. those double-decker buses. and it was the anniversary of 911 and he. got on the bus and like. a british couple had asked about the. heroism of the firefighters.

like they were it must have been an. amazing day. maybe they were australian i'll never. get these right some are british and. then. some come out australian but let's say. they were from. the land down under and he was like well. it was real heroes that day. and the guy's response was the best i've. ever heard he goes. he goes that's all a lie he goes i was. downtown. i saw those buildings fall and the cops. are the firemen he goes they ran the.

other way. he goes no one ran into those buildings. he goes i watched it. he goes so you can believe whatever lie. you want he goes nobody was running into. those burning buildings they were. running away. they were cowards i swear. the whole bus was just frozen they. didn't know what to do. the guy goes they were cowards they were. running away. and they go i was like oh you just. stayed like some australian guy was just. staring at him like.

i'd never heard that and then and then. he said to me this guy. i was training any on on his bus you. know and then he said to me he goes. he goes he goes i'm not lying he goes. they ran away. and i'm like wasn't there. i was in miss rice's history class. in holy trinity diocesan high school. in hicksville new york i was sitting. there. next to a woman named kate butler.

who now has another name she was and i. had asked her for a pen or a pencil. because i. always didn't bring a pen or pencil to. school that was my thing i. never i always said for four years i. said do you have a pen. do you have a pencil do you have the. homework you know. what book were you supposed to read i i. i could never handle it. i just was never prepared i did not go. to school prepared. okay unlike this show which has.

so much preparation so much show prep i. mean. hours and hours and days and days of. preparation for this program. but i turned around to a kate and they. said you have a pen and before i knew it. and my the teacher was called out of the. room she was brought back in and then. there was. she said there has been a tat there was. an attack on the world trade center. and the pentagon and back then we didn't. you know the world trade center had been. bombed already so we didn't even put it. together. that that was a huge deal and then the.

uh. pentagon was the one that made me go wow. this is war. because the pentagon you knew it's like. you know this is the civilian command. center the military civilian. and you know this is the this is the big. one they're hitting the pentagon. so all so i was sitting there and i was. in miss rice's history class and i heard. that. and the first thing i screamed out in. the class i said. inside job they said what i said it's an. inside job. don't you see that i didn't even know.

what happened but i just instinctually. said. it's an inside job and then i just. started screaming there are no planes. and what was strange is i didn't even. know that there were planes. he's trying to [ __ ] the chair do you see. what he's trying to do. he's trying to [ __ ] the chair right now. he's just trying to. he's trying to [ __ ] the chair does 911. get you horny duncan.

i screamed there were no pl it was sad. you know one of the kids i knew in. school his dad died. really a lot of people's parents i. called my dad so quick i'm like. are you a windows of the world. he's like no what i'm home. i'm like all right see you later. how great would how great would it be to. lose a parent 911. let's stop pretending that wouldn't have. been the greatest moment in your [ __ ]. life. hey how's pete davidson doing pretty.

[ __ ] good. he's not sitting here trying to keep a. bulldog off his set. i tuck by strap both of my parents into. the seats of united 93. if i could have attempted his career so. let's cut the [ __ ]. candlelight vigils where'd mommy go i. don't know bin laden took her where's my. movie. i'm sitting here for years week after. week brilliance. brilliance but i because i don't have a.

parent that. died i'll melt my parents right [ __ ] now. judd apatow email me. stop he agrees sparking at the box of. magic spoons he's barking the magic. spoon why because you realize it's a. keto cereal. is that why because it simulates the. experience of the sugar cereals you. liked as a child. is that why you're barking.

enough with the the 911 um. porn memorabilia can we stop. that day we were all americans okay. thanks thanks a lot you know that day we. were all americans. that day we were all americans that yes. and the day before. that too and the day after that. but thank you for making that brilliant.

point there was a lot of unity in the. early periods after 9 11. i've discussed it on this show there was. a lot of unity in the early periods. after 9 11 in this country but that. evaporated. pretty quickly and we wanted it to. you don't want a country you don't want. a cult you don't want to live in a call. how are you doing how weird would that. be. shut up how weird would it be. if you just walked around and everybody. was in get him out of the room get him. out of the room now now you're out.

now you're out because you can't handle. the responsibility. send them out please. you leave now we're discussing 911 you. have a little respect. put them in the kitchen please. my point is that you don't want to live. in a constant. funeral and all these people that are. just glorifying the immediate aftermath.

of 9 11. as if it's the goal as if that's the. goal. to walk around with your head bowed. thinking about your own mortality every. minute of every day it's not the goal. by the way and it was nice for a few. days. a couple of vigils are nice but you. don't want to live in a vigil so can we. stop. please romanticizing this idea. i don't like where we are now clearly. we've gone off the rails quite a bit.

culturally in this country but this idea. that everything has to be right after 9. 11 when it was so. nice it was nice for a few days. i'm just sick of all these people on. facebook being like well. we were all americans that day people. love talking about other heroic people. people love that they they think it. makes them. heroic by talking about other people. that were heroic.

you know remember the heroes. you know. i'm just saying i would have been. willing to sacrifice. more than i sacrificed in 9 11. which was very little i would have been. willing to sacrifice more. and i think it's important that we all. remember that. you know so that's my little commentary. on 9 11. it changed new york. dramatically and i put something up on.

instagram about this if you. knew about new york city before 9 11 it. changed new york dramatically. it made new york a victim it made new. york vulnerable and then. you know new york was this tough city. that it was not. nearly as criminal. as it had been it was getting safer but. it was a tough city and then it became. you know uh about um midwestern tourists. coming to save new york city. that's when you had the disney on. broadway start.

tourists were coddled and catered to. and it became a city that was very. specific it made it into a very general. city. where everybody can enjoy it that is. what it is. eventually it um you know all the. restaurants in new york city. uh a lot of them were french and a lot. of fine dining. or uh luxury uh was. very opulent in the 90s it was very. frilly there was a lot of lace and big. tablecloths and.

bank cats and i mean it looked very like. you were eating in versailles. and then after 9 11 that felt. inappropriate that felt wrong and then. the green market movement started. and you know all these restaurants kind. of made themselves look half done there. was exposed brick and steel and pipes. and it just. you're more connected to your. environment than you had been you wanted. to eat on a wooden table. and things were real and it really. changed new york city if you. if you knew new york city pre-911 many. of you don't. but it really did change new york city. you could take that down but you could.

read that if you have any interest in it. um um but it was it was very interesting. in the aftermath of 911 and i'm starting. to see a lot of overlap between that and. and corona a little bit a little overlap. between that. the the constant terrorizing of the. public. has become unfortunate but it was. called by me and other people on the. show who said this is real. this did happen uh 911 happened and. it will be used as a way to constantly. terrify people and to.

uh achieve aims that possibly. were being planned long before that. event like. corona like covet so when you have uh dr. fauci. who cannot throw a baseball go out and. tell everybody that we have to hunker. down for the winter. we have to hunker down for the winter. listen to this. guy we should hunker down. we could see a very deadly december. we need to hunker down this fall and. winter. it's not going to be easy says dr.

fauci. i'm telling you right now folks we're. getting to a point now. where you're gonna start you're gonna. have to start making your own decisions. about your own life your own ability to. earn money. and the experts are so all in the pocket. of somebody everybody. is in the pocket of somebody and they. have an interest in you believing. certain things and they have an interest. in you walking around.

um and not questioning them and i'm not. saying that you should go out there and. be willy-nilly and start. you know taking all kinds of chances. with your health but i am telling you. that i don't know how many young people. this is. killing i don't know that i don't know. i believe that this is still the vast. majority of people that are dying. from this disease are elderly and many. of them may have other conditions. that is still what people are able to.

treat this disease a lot better. now and i just don't know if we should. constantly be you know hunkered out we. hunkered down for four months. and then as roseanne said people left. their house when they were ready to kill. the great roseanne i did a podcast with. the great. roseanne an epic meeting of the minds. a legend such as herself and uh.

myself having uh a a conversation or. something that would would. get close to that and i was. very honored that she spoke to me she's. so funny she's. effortlessly funny and she makes some. very good points and then she's kind of. in and out of it as well she's getting. older. she said she was close to 80 she's 67. i mean she's not she's nowhere near 80. but what did you think did you enjoy the.

roseanne uh she's such a legend she's so. i was crying off to the side just. laughing she's very very funny man she's. incredibly funny. and uh it's well worth a watch hey. do you take some dmt before that you're. sure. before that interview yeah yeah. you take uh you drink some ayahuasca. before you watch me and her. yeah yeah i think it's a good primer for. that conversation. you might uh put a little tab acid under.

the tongue. before before you hit play on that one. because it is a little wild. but it is well worth a watch very. honored to do that. with uh the great roseanne what is an. appropriate gift by the way now that my. friend had this kid. what's an appropriate gift should i get. him what i got you and katie for the. wedding. ben is angry at me but ben is. he's he doesn't believe that i sent him. and his wife a beautiful. wedding present that was lost in the. mail because of covert 19.

it was lost in the mail because of cover. 19. i won't even tell him what it was like. because i don't want him to be so upset. and because if i told him when i got him. he would be so. sad for doubting me he would then. like you know who knows offered to just. work on this show for free for the rest. of his life. because he would be so indebted. to me just because of what i got him. that was lost in the mail. due to uh coronavirus we we cannot find. it we don't know where it is.

so but i don't know do you get a savings. bond can you get that. what do you get oh you could do that. like a mutual fund do you invest in this. country though for the kid or do you buy. him something from china. because we're on the way out what's the. savings bond in this country going to be. worth. soon do you really give a kid a bond and. say cash it in went right when you're. about to go to college. when you can't breathe anymore. i'm ready to no longer leave the house. aren't you see in california we've been.

getting ready to just not leave anymore. because when you leave there's ash and. embers of dead trees in your throat. so you can't go anywhere and the outside. has now just become a hindrance. for the inside activities you want like. you just can't get on the wi-fi because. the [ __ ]. everything outside's burning and you're. getting angry and cell phone towers are. up in flames so. the outside now it's just annoying the. outside world's annoying. and that's why we're all going digital. we're all going to go into the void. eventually. and we're going to communicate with each.

other digitally we're not going to leave. our homes and we're going to get. you're going to get amazon food. deliveries you're going to have uh. pedophile netflix. and you're going to have uh you know. whatever you want. and you're going to be okay you're not. going to want to leave you're going to. go this is fine. this is fine because you know what's the. other option you're gonna go outside. in a full hazmat suit doesn't make any. sense. i'm so ready for that i'm so ready to. just be in a in a good quadrant i hope. i'm in a good quadrant. when they divide the country up into. quadrants based on resources.

which will happen soon like district. nine remember that movie yeah yeah i. just hope i'm in the good district i. forget which one that is but that's all. coming true the hunger games and. district nine. all those teeny bopper movies will come. true eventually and you know aoc will be. one of the queens and she'll walk around. you know with a scepter and. you know you'll be like oh she's from. the you know she's district 12. or whatever i mean that's all happening. that's all gonna happen just embrace it. you know. it's really bad in california man i've. never seen it this bad.

when you go out now never have never. happened you're just. breathing in it's like a campfire. in your car you're breathing in this air. it's. really truly a problem and then of. course everybody needs to virtue signal. on social media with all their. their photos of like the red skies and. like i guess we should have listened to. that climate change. i was like yeah i guess so but maybe. it's too late now so maybe a shut up. it's too late it's too late it's too.

late. you're literally on fire so what does it. matter. i'm glad you scored that point glad you. scored that part. well i guess we shall. is that the last thing you want to do. before you check out is to score a point. score a political point like the last. breath. of of of [ __ ] unsafe oxygen you. breathe on this earth. should be used to get the better of. somebody. who hell i guess i'm.

what an american way to go just trying. to best somebody in a pointless online. argument. right before you go magic spoon baby you. know me. i love the sugar cereals hard to kick. the sugar very tough sugar in the carbs. addict addict addict releases that. dopamine in your brain not a lot makes. you happy sugar makes you happy. you think about when you were in a kid. when you were a kid you didn't want to. [ __ ] eat raisin bran you wanted lucky. charms count chocula. the real [ __ ] you know fruit loops you.

wanted good [ __ ] waffle crisp. apple jacks [ __ ] everything you. wanted sugar. cereals okay and you still want them as. an adult but. i'm telling you that you can get a. cereal that's exactly like the ones you. love that has. zero sugar 11 grams of protein and only. three net carbs. in each serving if you were on a keto. diet. and you want to take a meal out of your. day and eat a bowl of. high protein cereal keto is very tough. very hard to plan. if you're on the go it can be incredibly.

difficult here's the way you can do it. they have four flavors cocoa fruity. frosted and blueberry it tastes amazing. honestly. too good to be true it's keto-friendly. gluten-free grain-free soy-free low-carb. gmo free. okay i love the fruity flavor tastes. exactly like fruit loops. so if you want to simulate a bowl of. fruit loops it's a great. no guilt dessert it's a meal replacement. it's a great breakfast it's a way to. give yourself a high protein low sugar. low carb snack no sugar sorry.

low carb no sugar snack it works well. within the keto diet especially if. you're not doing any other carbs or. things that day. it's only three net grams of carbs so if. you're on a high protein diet this is. really the move. if you go to magicspoon.com tim dillon. to grab a variety pack and try it today. and if you like the show. and you want to support us and you want. to get a good cereal with no sugar in it. this is the way to do it magic spoon is. so confident in their product it's. packed with 100. happiness guarantee if you don't like it.

for any reason they'll refund your money. no questions asked magic spoon is really. good they send me it all the time i eat. it it's good i like it i wouldn't lie. about that. and it is good you know me i'm on and. off diets all the time it's very. difficult. to keep your weight under control. especially in this [ __ ] country in. this economy. so that in this account. what is that does that come from the. standout bit. i think so when he's talking about. strengthening up your [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah. it's so good.

anyway we would go have him on the show. but he's too far away. we're not driving nine hours for that. we're not doing zoom with him um. so i mean we love magic spoon it's great. we thank magic spoon. for sponsoring the podcast and we hope. that you guys enjoy. their zero sugar high protein low carb. cereal. as much as we do so go to magicspoon.com. tim dillon magicspoon.com. tim dillon. here's the thing a lot of people put way.

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very. uh luxurious you. feel luxurious you feel like the king of. england. you i'm the king of england i that's. what happens when you. use this face motion i'm the king of. england and everyone that doesn't look. or sound like me is a savage. and i'll now sound australian again i. can never do a good australian. except when i don't want to but on the. i'm the king of england because i have a. hawthorn. face lotion i'm the king of england and.

i'm going to. christianize the barbarians so my point. is that which is. which is not good but colonization has. some benefit. the point is take the quiz go to. hawthorne put the lotion in the basket. right. isn't that what they said signs of lamb. put the lotion in the basket. that's what that's why i wouldn't be in. business because if i was hawthorne i. would. i would i'd be the guy in the room that. goes if if our if our. logo is not put the lotion in the bat.

like if our logo is not. a hannibal lecter and if our uh if our. motto is not put the lotion in the. basket. what is it it puts a lotion on the skin. it puts the lotion. on itself if that's not our logo i don't. want to be involved with this company. that's my deal breaker hawthorne.co. use my promo code tim to get 10 of your. purchase. i did stand up for the second time at. whitney cummings house.

whitney cummings uh had a stand-up. comedy show in her. driveway or her basketball court really. her driveway area. and uh it was a lot of fun. you know the all you know whitney knows. all these uh influencers. like these instagram is the proper term. hoes probably not i'm kidding ladies. but these instagram and well the teats. are out. i mean they're not influencing people to.

go to school they're not doing a lot of. adult literacy programs from my. understanding. i'm sure they have many philanthropic. endeavors but. you know a lot of it is the teats are. out and uh and they all have like. deals you know they're hawking body oil. for millions and millions of dollars. on injury it's not my demo really. i like a working class philly from a. working class family from outside of.

philly. i like a working class family from. outside of philly that begrudgingly has. to sit in a car together for 25 minutes. everyone's smoking cigarettes including. the dog. on the way to the show angry people. people that feel like they've been. slighted my audience is people that feel. like they've been. slighted like me because both of my. parents survived 9 11. that's who my audience is so when i look. at these. hot instagram black lives matter. and you know all of these politically.

correct. teats in the front row. um i i was like will i do well i don't. know but spade was there and whitney was. there and. the book or the comedy story was there. and some people were bombing by the way. you never really want to bomb when you. have people that you respect there but. some people just i mean. wow uh but most people doing great annie. letterman. murdered killed it very funny but. annie's like that she can kind of. [ __ ] bob and weave and really. you know when you're in a weird me and.

annie came up in new york when we were. in a lot of weird situations. and you had to lend give yourself over. to that as a comedian and just go. we're in this [ __ ] up situation we're. going to call it out and then a lot of. other comedians get up there and they're. like. that that dang that day. have have you ever been to. have you ever and the crowd's like hey. we're instagram influencers we think.

with our tits. what are you doing here can you [ __ ]. talk to us. can you [ __ ] i don't know who these p. olivia mun i don't even know who these. people are kesha who what's that. what's a ketchup i don't even know what. that is. is that like shakshouka. is that it's a dish who is this kesha. she said hello she because i'm kesha.

like i'm gonna turn around i'm a huge. fan. she said that to me i had a peach in my. hand and i go do you think this is ripe. i was hitting it on the counter. [Music]. she's a singer apparently she did that. song tick tock. tick tock that was the song of every fat. freckled irish beast woman. who will still put it on facebook and be. like remember fridays. and college at suny new paltz that's my.

girls. tech talk you know it was every fat. slobs theme song who was trying to get a. [ __ ] in their ass at 3am. at a suny school in new york freckled. irish beast women. would listen to that song that is what. you've inspired kesha yes or yes. that is what you have done that is what. you're me yes you want hot people. dancing to your music but it ain't. that's not the case.

you know who loves that song me and a. wig me and a wig. and they'll still put it up on facebook. and they go hey this was a song from me. and my girls remember. girls and they tag all the other [ __ ]. hot air balloons that they went to a. suny school with. these [ __ ] boats that they went to. school with. i'm tagging all my girls and then you. just you just.

you click on the the women that they've. tagged and it's just someone whose face. is like. you know the fat woman instagram shot. i've done it many times it's from up. here. up here tilted head that's fat woman. instagram up here tilted head you don't. know what's going on beneath my head. i bet it's hot though i bet it's a. cauldron of [ __ ] juice. that's what she did there's a place. downtown. tick tock tick tock that's your heart.

ladies. kesha and then miranda cosgrove who's on. icarly i don't want a pedophile what is. this. i don't watch these things nickelodeon. drake and josh what are we nuts where. are the adults. where's candace owens. where is the exhumed corpse of william f. buckley i want to perform.

what is icon did you watch this horse. [ __ ] when you were growing up you did. didn't you. rugrats yeah i carved i didn't have. cable i didn't have cable i come from. the mean streets. my parents survived 911. i didn't get. the good [ __ ]. i didn't get the jud apatow movies in. the cable. my parents didn't have their skin. [ __ ] melted. i like pizza i i don't know pete at all. i'm not i'm obviously i'm not throwing. any shade and pete. i know it's sad to have your dad killed.

in 9 11. but let's be very honest it's not worked. out horribly for him and this is the. fact so i'm willing to kill my parents. but this is what and kesha seemed like a. lovely woman. i they they all were lovely women i'm. not none of this i just this world is. i don't understand this world what is. icarly about. oh man it was a spin-off of drake and. josh and she lived in an apartment and. she had a. friend and a brother and they just got. into weird [ __ ] at school that was kind.

of it. dude nickelodeon sucked the only good. things were. doug and daria they were [ __ ] good. they were [ __ ] good rugrats. fine was i would go to my friends houses. they had cable they had nickelodeon we. didn't have cable. when i was a kid i watched melrose place. i watched. sydney and michael carry on alert affair. and michael had a beach house in malibu. and then sydney blew up the whole. apartment complex.

and i learned words like blackmail and. abortion. so i'm sorry i wasn't watching cartoon. children. you [ __ ] [ __ ] shout out to aaron. spelling and darren starr. melrose place is [ __ ] iconic shout. out to heather locklear i hope you're. okay wherever you are. you're probably parked on an off-ramp. somewhere but anyway i hope you're good. well she's had issues is what i'm saying. i don't know yes.

she's probably parked somewhere on an. off ramp trying to figure out where she. is well we're with you in spirit heather. [ __ ] these kids i watched beverly hills. 90210 and nypd blue. great shows dennis franz that fat racist. what a genius what an actor. i like and they all have this attitude. these hits these hot instagram people. have this attitude they're like. [Music]. that's how they talk like.

i had to leave amanda cerny who i don't. know has got like a trillion followers. she got 25 million followers went up and. start re. starts reading whitney's act out of a. book. and i said and and and she's just sweet. girl you know i'm not. [ __ ] anybody here but i said that. was my time i looked at tom pop i said i. think it's time to go. tom papa brought a loaf of bread which i. just ate with my bare hands. in uh whitney's kitchen whitney's uh.

whitney got some great pizza from big. mama's pizza. and i never had that and it was just. kind of like i don't know it's pretty. good. big mama and papa's pizzeria yeah it's. pretty good man she got cheese sticks. mozzarella sticks you don't find a lot. of mozzarella sticks in la. but when you got them and what's great. is i got to have pretty much all of the. food. because they don't eat the instagram. influencers don't eat. okay they don't eat they don't eat food.

it's not allowed they take a picture. with an avocado once a month. and that's all the protein they need. so i was eating i was filling up but of. course some of the female comics are. filling up too you know they're not. exactly small. but it was a lot of fun it was an. interesting uh it was an interesting. time kesha didn't show up. sadly but she was there the other day. yeah i kid cash what do i know. she's you know so fast she seems like. such a mature. like almost dark.

brooding type of person but then the. music is like. it's like an alarm clock or songs right. it's kind of like an alarm clock but. they're good but it's like a fun alarm. clock it's like. i'm i'm waking up tick-tock tip my life. means something. that's what her music is it's just fat. women in state schools going. we're making the memories.

kidnap me please they want to get. kidnapped those women. someone take me away someone bury me. under a lake. show me that i'm special. [Laughter]. but i did well i had fun in the middle. of my set i said oh good crystal ages. got here. i said he'll go next that didn't get a. big chuckle.

that was a ve that was not a warmly. received joke. there was a little chill in the air but. it was a good. thing whitney really loves stand-up. comedy and i think all these other women. really like her because whitney's. you know real deal comic kind of in that. boys club of being able to really throw. down really written whitney writes her. ass off. you know what i mean um um. and she just [ __ ] really does well. and her new jokes are very funny you. know what i mean. but then when she's like all right now. we're gonna have the instagram.

influencers come up and do my material. and they're like. kids don't get injured anymore. have you heard that and the witness has. to explain to them she's like. well there's the premise comes first. honey the premise comes first and then. the punch line. don't no no no no don't snort the. microphone we talk. into it no we talk into it. um but i was uh i was really glad that i.

was included now and now i'm sure i. won't be again. but content is king if i've learned one. thing its content. is king but it was very nice and she got. a lot of pizza i didn't even know. whitney knew what food. was because every time on there she was. always trying to give me like. plant-based. popsicles she's like this is a chocolate. kale pop. i'm like what she's like how about some. raspberry dust. i'm like wait what she never has regular. butter. she always has some weird butter she's.

like this is butter from a cactus's. [ __ ]. and i'm like well how about how about a. cow. how about a cow's butter i didn't even. know she knew what [ __ ] dude if you had. said to me. whitney's having a comedy show and she's. getting food i would have never. thought that we were gonna be [ __ ]. doing pizza. cheese sticks garlic bread. how [ __ ] cool was that how unexpected. was that.

i thought we were gonna be all eating. like you know like taking one bite of a. leaf and then handing it to the next. person. to bite it you know. but it was good man we hope the comedy. story opens we're back out on the road. having a little bit of fun. we are on the road we're going to be in. palm beach we're going gonna be in uh. in texas get get timberlandcomedy.com up. let's see where we're gonna be i'm. excited to be in some of these places. some of them not so much. so late september the 26th uh we're.

gonna be at hyenas comedy club. in dallas october 1st through the 3rd. zany's in nashville. salt lake city wise guys october 6th and. 7th. phoenix arizona stand up live the 9th. through the 11th of october tampa. florida side splitters. really i love that place october 20th. through wednesday the 21st west palm. beach florida. we're going to be there october 22nd. through the 24th so if you are in dallas. nashville salt lake city phoenix tampa. west palm. please grab your tickets they do go fast. these clubs are at.

reduced capacity we also have some other. dates coming up maybe colorado. and places like that those are places. i'm very excited to go. those are places where i believe i don't. know about the coven numbers. poor i just turned out an offer for. portland just because the money wasn't. right. it's like i'm really not excited to do. it i know portland's a great comedy town. but it's like can you just get it. together a little bit over there. can you just get it together i don't. really need to [ __ ]. you know what do we what are we we were. riding every night now.

said 12 days of christmas like the 60. days of looting. 60 days of rioting just clean it up over. there portland please. i really don't like the pacific. northwest i i don't jive with it at all. i'll perform there but it's not for me. it's not for me. those [ __ ] great forests and. everything oh [ __ ] off. i'm it's not for me and if you live. there bless your heart and i know you. deserve comedy and maybe you're a fan of. the show. but i'll tell you right now i don't i do. not connect with your area at all.

i went to spokane once which is. essentially a white supremacist i mean. it's like. they're literally like a few miles away. from this town in idaho where. everybody's like you know. real proud of their heritage got a lot. of interest in european culture. and uh you know i was like wow real. white crowd as soon as i walked onto the. stage of spokane and then everybody went. yeah the local races i was reading they. were like. uh governor bush otter is running. against and i'm like what are we doing. here. folks i was going nuts i was following.

around a groundhog for two days this. groundhog i kept following around i. would facetime ben and show him the. groundhog. and uh and then i and then i realized. that a groundhog is the same thing as a. woodchuck. isn't that what i realized yeah or maybe. they're not the same or. or they are the same well why don't you. look it up this is why you're here. to look things up to be to be our link. to the to reality. a groundhog are also woodchucks.

or a whistle pig or a land beaver now. that's what i learned vegans in spokane. i learned that i learned that a. groundhog. is also a woodchuck okay. i also learned several other things. about. you know genetics but i'll i'll leave. them out i'm also unsure of the. scientific basis of. much of what i was told much of what i. learned.

but i i will get back to the pacific. northwest i'm just that excited to go. i'm not in. i'm not uh really pumped up. to go to the pacific northwest. those pale goth weirdos get the [ __ ] out. of here. expressvpn everybody needs a vpn and a. virtual private network why. it is you're able to disguise wherever. you are and you're going to need that. soon the government all these private. companies are all stealing your. information they want to know what. you're about. they're trying to kill you put a chip in. your head syringe in your ass you know.

the deal. real prepper [ __ ] but now the prepper. stuff's starting to feel smart. one of the ways you can do it is by. disguising your location on the internet. vpns are incredibly important. do you want to watch cuties and peace. i'm kidding. i'm kidding i'm a comedian what i'm. saying is that you can use it to use. netflix from all over the world and see. uh you know the great japanese. bake off or whatever the hell is going. on so it creates a secure encrypted. tunnel between your device and the. internet so your online activity can't. be seen by anyone.

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that's 90 days of free. [ __ ] activity every i had no idea how. big vpns were. i had no idea you gotta have a vpn i'm. using it on the laptop right now it is. so important also i had no idea the of. the hivs. you got to get so you could get an hiv. and a vpn i had no idea how. how prevalent those two things were. hiv now is not even a huge deal by the. way no one cares age is less than. covent you you hope you go you go i open. a veins um.

so if you go that's expressvpn.com it's. a great way to support the show you've. got to get one of these anywhere you're. getting three months off. do you care you're not finding something. else with three months off all these. [ __ ] have enough money. help me expressvpn.com. slash tim dillon t-i-m-t-i-l-l-o-n it is. as easy as closing the bathroom door. fire up the app and click one button how. easy is that. i mean it's very easy yes or.

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offering free shipping when you use the. code tim d at manscape.com that's. manscape.com use promo code timd. for 20 off your first order your balls. will thank you. i'm excited to go to london i want to go. to london let's sell out to soho theater. i want to go to the uk. i want to do that true jordy podcast. that guy i want to eat. meat pies you know i want to eat good. chicken tikka masala which is the. cuisine of london you know. because what what is it going to be. boiled meat.

you know they have that uh sunday roast. in england they're all talking about how. good it is. with the yorkshire pudding and the roast. so there's like you know british people. would come over here and they'd be like. there's nothing better than the sunday. roast it's just not better. i'm like yeah uh you know what's better. than that a chicken finger. in my country a mall chicken finger is. better than your national dish shut the. [ __ ] up. you gave us a lot of great gifts like. civilization racism. but you don't you don't you don't you. don't have anything going on with the.

food. we don't need your [ __ ] yorkshire. pudding. and yeah it's just gray roast beef it's. fine i'm sure it's. good damn good if it's done right but. they're so invested that it's the best. it's the best thing ever it's nothing. better than a sunday roast. uh yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna say a combos. are. i'm gonna say uh combos from a truck. stop that you eat on the way to a. national park you're gonna get kidnapped. in. are better than your sunday road you're.

graying. your gray [ __ ] lip roast beef and your. yorkshire [ __ ] pudding and your. mashed peas grow the [ __ ] up. and your somebody was talking to me. about this and i forgot. who was talking to me about it but. somebody made a great point they were. like i might have been on another show. they were saying like isn't it weird. that britain's big fish and chips dish. is served in like newspaper. and they serve it with like malt vinegar. it's very strange. you know but they come over here they.

are impressed by our food over here. that's one thing in america really. impresses people. i mean we don't have much else going on. except spectacle we're very good at. spectacle. is that kim kardashian you know like. they're all into that like oh my god. that's a person from tv and they're. they're real. and they're actually here that that we. can do. really well you know but uh food is just. r. you know there's no there's no more. sinful. food than america nobody lays a meal on.

you. like america even italy you feel light. and fine after you eat. but america we poison people truly with. everything we give. them just a little bit of poison you. know and uh. the people from the uk are like stunned. you go go have a milkshake in another. country for mcdonald's you're like this. is like not sweet. and then you realize that part of what. makes our milkshakes sweet is the amount. of syrup that goes into them. and that's why you're drinking them and. you get a pounding headache. about 30 minutes after you have this.

milkshake because you're coming down. after you have the milk check you're in. the car you're like. my life's gonna work out. everything's gonna be okay frappuccino. milkshake any of it. i'm gonna be i'm doing well when you. have a frappuccino when you're halfway. down. a starbucks frappuccino and you're in. the front of your car and you got the. air conditioning blasting on your face. and you got that frappuccino down and. your and you got the caffeine in there. and then the sugar. you're going okay i can do this whatever.

this is whatever this life is i can do. it. and then 30 minutes later you have a. pounding. headache because you're coming down from. the sugar and you need something else. so you stuff a thing of gum in you take. a [ __ ] energy try i mean it's just a. never-ending. you know so i want to get over there i. want to get over there to australia to. the uk. and do some of those markets i'm very. excited about.

going to those markets and i've never. done stand-up i've done stand-up comedy. in scotland. which was great i went over with a. mixed-race comic and an indian woman. and then i walked out and like all the. scottish people were like oh is the. american. like they were like oh here's the. there's a reason trump got elected. you know because like the two comedians. i went with were fairly woke. so they went out they did like their. woke bits and the crowd's like okay. this is this the american showcase. and then i went out and i was like hey.

[ __ ] you and they were like. yeah and we just connected i love that. room the stand in glasgow. great i don't know what's happening to. uk comedy i imagine like american comedy. is being pulverized into the ground by. uh you know non-binary fat witches. running around. uh telling people casting spells on. people and telling them what words. they're. allowed to utter i'm unsure god i just. want to go. can we just go back to a [ __ ] nice. time of private kind of puritanical.

set like sex should be private sex is. by its nature better if it's private you. know what i mean. and and i know what you're saying that's. what epstein thought but i don't mean it. like. that what i mean is that by making sex. just mass marketing and vulgar. and nasty what you're doing is you're. taking all the. interesting kind of cool stuff about it. away and you're making. it this transactional [ __ ].

you know experience that you know. me people are having less sex isn't it. amazing think about that. wet ass [ __ ] is one of the biggest. songs in the country people are actually. coming in contact with less wet ass. [ __ ] in real life. they're having less sex they're. furiously masturbating to porn. they're not having a lot of sex because. everything's been digital and. everything's been made very sterile. sex feels very sick have you ever met a. sex addict. and heard them talk about sex when they.

talk about it it sounds. gross because they talk about it the way. that you talk about anything you do all. the time that is relatively kind of me. someone meaningless to you and and it's. very a perfunctory. uh the mechanization of it the the. mechanics of it. the way they talk about it they talk. about it in a way where you go oh it. just sounds kind of gross because. instinctually we know that sex should. have some level of it. doesn't always have to be this special. amazing whatever thing but it should.

have something about it. that is more than pissing sex should be. more than pissing and [ __ ]. we know that but when a sex addict talks. to you about sex it sounds like. somebody's talking about taking a piss. it does and then i stopped behind the. rest stop and the bathroom was out so i. just took a piss around the building. then i got back in my car and i drank. some more water [ __ ] i had to piss again. so i pissed in a bottle then i kept. driving. in the hotel room and i pissed all of it. i was so drunk i pissed all over the. [ __ ] bed. piss pissed piss a piss in the ocean a.

piss in the pool. all right why are you telling me but. there's something. kind of antiseptic sterile medical. gross about that and i feel like our. society is heading to that place. with sex and it's very it is disturbing. when you see. young kids young girls and boys. sexualized. before they are mature enough to handle. the emotional psychological. ramifications of their behavior and what. they're doing.

you know so when you have these girls. dancing like this they don't know they. don't know who finds that attractive. they're not ready to handle that they're. not ready to handle what they're doing. and. it's just to me i i i'm deeply. conservative kind of. when it comes to i want to live and meet. me in st. louis meet me in st louis was a it was a. musical with judy garland. uh respect pills and booze respect. and meet me in st louis look at the. house they lived in.

i like these outfits that the people are. in. that's the way people should dress and. they took trolleys. and the woman and the women could look. at these women. that's not unattractive and look at the. men. and the women look a little trans and. that's fine. that was nice back there gender was more. fluid then than it is. now you keep injecting collagen.

into your [ __ ] lips to make yourself. look these people were cut look at that. one on the left she's kind of like. who knows what's going on there but it's. fun. and they did look at that people used to. dance with top hats and canes go up. there to the left. look at the way people used to live what. year was this. in 1944 1944. not everything going on in 1944 was. spectacular. it's an unfortunate year for this to.

have been made i'm in a little bit of a. hall now. okay what i'm saying. is that i don't like anything about 1944. except this film. i didn't know when it was made when i. went into this i don't prepare for this. [ __ ] show. there was a lot going on in 1944 that i. have a big. problem with but people taking trolleys. in st. louis and dancing with hats is not one.

of them. christ it had to be made in 1944. now it sounds like a dog whistle i'm. going to have to deal with that daily. show writer again. she did have yourself a you know have. yourself a merry little christmas. this was the famous song that came from. meet me in st louis my. my grandmother used to watch this and. then clank clan clang went to trolley. did you ever listen to that no i didn't.

clank clan clang went to trolley. ding ding ding went to bell whatever is. going on in germany. is their business now that lyric was. changed. let's not ask too many questions stocks. are up things are going well.

[Music]. but this was a this was a fun i mean. this was fun here. did you see this did you watch the. classics never seen this. never seen this. this was a great [ __ ] man have. yourself a merry. a look a merry little christmas. take the vikings. booze and pills and you know that was.

judy garland. towards the end it was rough but she was. a [ __ ] icon she had that voice she. was in the wizard of oz. yes and she had that before she had that. amazing voice that nobody had you know. that remember that. keeping up with the kardashians is. ending let's pull that up keeping up. with the kardashians is ending. folks and it is one of the most. influential shows of the last 25 years. it is the blueprint for modern american. fame. 100 okay. it replaced talent with access and this.

point. is uh something that we we've seen. over and over again access. caitlyn jenner nobody called you [ __ ]. no one's calling you. caitlyn caitlin is like. the most hilarious problematic trans. woman ever. she's so great she's like nobody called. me i was at a trump rally i had service. said caitlyn no one's calling you're out. of control caitlyn.

caitlin's like talk i'm on tour with. candace owens and no one called me. i don't get it i heard it on the news. why can't one of the kids that i have. that might be o.j simpson's call me. but this is what this is what american. fame has become it's access you sell. access to yourself. and the cooler life you have the more. people want access to it right so if you. live in calabasas. and you're rich and you have celebrity. friends people really want access to.

that. or if you're a tick tocker and you live. in one of those houses people want. access to that but they don't care about. talent you do you care about talent. but the others don't um we're talking. about. mass marketing here and the way that. it's done. people want in they want in they want to. see behind the curtain behind the veil. they want to feel like they're sitting. in your living room they want to watch. you eat uh cheerios. this is what has been happening over the.

last. you know two decades in this country we. have replaced talent the things that. judy garland had which is this one in a. million voice. that was really never replicated that. just rolled out of her mouth like this. crazy. [ __ ] you know when you hear her do. somewhere over the rainbow or you hear a. do. have yourself a merry little christmas. it wasn't a it was it was it wasn't even. remarkably powerful she wasn't really. uh you know she didn't belt she belt it. out a little but nothing compared to. like whitney houston or somebody like. that.

but it was just this voice it it wasn't. from training. it wasn't really from it was just there. it was this thing inside of her that. just came out it was this gift whatever. you want to call it it was like. from some other [ __ ] celestial realm. when she was really hitting that. we're not interested in that anymore. in this in fact we think that's weird we. kind of don't like that. we kind of don't like when someone has. an unexplainable. amazing talent because we don't know how. we're going to do it.

we don't know how we fit into that. well i got a wacky family and maybe one. day you know there's always this weird. idea. that you're vicariously living through. all these people that you watch on tv. and you think there's a possibility that. you might become them. and and there's just no way to do that. when you have somebody that has this. incredibly rare. talent that really isn't i'm sure judy. garland worked hard but let's be very. honest. that's a very natural kind of talent. kind of masculine.

husky voice like what go go to uh can we. even play. any of this uh you want to play music i. want to play. have yourself a merry little christmas. yeah i'd probably get pulled get pulled. right yeah yeah. well spotify your move write to check. daddy'll dance right over you write that. check. but what i'm saying is that the. kardashians are the. are the blueprint for being famous now. that's what aoc is a kardashian.

yeah the hype house and the sway house. are kardashians. all the major political figures now will. be kardashians donald trump's a. kardashian. don't get it twisted everything that's. succeeding right now. in a very big way are kardashians. they they're those are people that give. you. it's an all-access pass to their. thoughts and their lives. no matter how humdrum and unimportant. something they may be doing is they'll. do it and they'll let you in on it. and that and you get the access pass you.

all access pass all day every day you. can. sit there and have a ringside seat for. uh. their life and again the cooler the life. is or the more. uh sensational it is the more people. want in. and that's what the kardashians did. that's really what the kardashians did. it's it's it's really amazing to watch. uh a show like this coming to an end. because you don't know what's next. you know get one of the kids from one of. the guys from chapel trap. has after trump won i think he said but. the really scary thing is you like what.

is next. you can't imagine what's next i can't. imagine what is next. after the kardashian you know i can't. imagine how it could get. less talent focused truly. and i like them by the way i've defended. them i like them i think they're hard. work. that kim kardashian's a beast and a. business person. and there's no uh i have nothing. negative to say about them. other than the um. celebration of that particular.

type of show um and that particular type. of. route to fame is. says a lot about the wholesale. destruction of the american culture. that but that's the only negative thing. i'd say truly. and if you know me you know i could say. a lot of negative things the only. negative thing that i would say is that. it's the wholesale destruction of. any beauty in american culture. but other than that truly truly other.

than that. i kind of respect the hustle yeah here's. what america is i said this on the sagar. pod but it's not coming out to the week. before the election so. here's what it is if i had to explain. america to somebody. america is hearing a song. on the radio and then somebody tells you. that song is bad. baby and you go who's bad baby and they. go it's the woman who said that catch me. aside. the woman who's threatening to fight the.

audience and her own mother on dr. phil and there's a moment of rage that. builds up in you that this woman is now. a star. but then a split second later you start. bobbing your head to the beat and you go. this isn't that bad. this isn't that bad america is the. moment. between the rage and going. this is pretty good that's where america. lives. never forget that so as angry as i may. seem. or as hateful as some of my.

rhetoric appears a minute later i'll. just go. pretty good because i'm a survivor and. that's how you survive in america that's. how you don't go insane. that's how you don't go and say because. otherwise you just go insane. you bang your head against the wall. until you see blood. you know just that moment of i can't. believe this [ __ ]. [ __ ] i don't know about these house. it's the moment this. she's a [ __ ] is a why porsche yj's.

why oh well this isn't that bad at. all that's america and that's the way i. feel about the cardiac. because for a moment i get. a little angry that the beauty. of american culture. any of it has been completely. and totally destroyed.

to never return. that bothers me a little bit but it's. not the worst show. goodbye.