#215 - Petty Little Pig | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim. dillon show there's gonna be some. background noise here you shut the [ __ ]. up about it. we're doing a video episode for you pigs. you want it you get it. we're out here in montauk in an airbnb i. was promised. that this was going to be a luxury. experience and it is not. and i am unhappy about it i got a. table of six squawking birds over there. which i don't like and i got. a guy on his mower okay and i hope to. god he's doing it because he enjoys it.

because if i look over there and i see. that he's an employee. and i have to look at those people i'm. going to lose my [ __ ] mind. so i hope to christ he's driving a john. deere. because he enjoys it okay and it is not. a worker. while i'm sitting here in this [ __ ]. that was b it was. supposed to be a surf cottage what a. working class hell montauk is. i was in the hamptons i came back to see. my. family who will die of cover 19.

in the second wave i will make sure of. it culver 19 may leave bullet holes in. them. and strangulation marks around their. neck they're going down by november. they're going down by november i don't. care i don't care okay. and i went to see them i got an airbnb. on that part of long island. the south shore i was sitting outside. with two friends. dan is producing the show today because. ben is back in california. uh and dan is here because he doesn't. have a life so. he's producing the show i was here with.

dan and luke. uh luke opens for me and uh. i mean i swear to christ with the. [ __ ] lawnmower i'm gonna break. someone's [ __ ] head. here i really am for the love of god. they don't even have a couch in the. [ __ ] living room here it's. two wood benches that they've put. blankets on. like we're in a methadone clinic here. and everything the whole house is. littered with native american. memorabilia.

and by the way i'm a supporter of the. native americans many of you know that. but this house is owned by some white. [ __ ] who's decorated it all with. [ __ ]. you know kokopelli and dream catchers. and everything. it's it's just not tasteful how bad is. this background noise getting. pretty bad it's hard to tell hard to. tell. it's hard to tell we have a [ __ ]. mower and we got six we got six. squawking birds. having a real white zen night out here.

in montauk. getting their opinions out squawking. birds. and a mower we're doing the best we can. we got a real. dinner party over there the cops will be. here shortly trust me they're coming. they came last night me and and luke and. dan were discussing. race relations in america i swear to god. i swear to god i said this sentence how. do we get race relations to a better. position. and after that sense the neighbor on. long island came came over and said hey.

can you cut it out over there. can you cut it out over there and then. he called the police. what do you think that call was he calls. up the cop and he goes by the way the. guy next to me is trying to he's talking. about bettering the lives of black. americans. please come get him please come shut him. down. so this cop shows up at the airbnb and. he's like oh i was called to the side of. a party. and there's no party here i said yeah. there's no party we're just having a. conversation i didn't tell the cop about.

what. i didn't say we're having a conversation. about some of the activities you people. have been participating in. we're having a conversation about you. people be a little trick or. happy i don't want to have that. conversation i want to have a nice. conversation about italian ice. it's the end of summer but because you. people can't put the gun in the. toddler's face. you can't stop doing that i have to sit. in my backyard and talk about these. things. does it make me happy we did lose a. patreon subscriber recently and i don't.

usually. uh go into this but this is weird this. was a young dude who listened to the. show. i don't know him i i don't i don't i. don't think i've ever met him. a guy named kyle rittenhouse uh deleted. his patreon subscription so. um hey man there's a lot of good. entertainment that you're missing out on. uh i don't know what your deal is but. the reality is. there's a lot of [ __ ] good stuff. coming on the patreon it was a little. strange. that he i mean are we gonna keep it up.

with the why are they doing this i hate. my talk. it's a working class hell i want wasps. god damn it i want porcelain-skinned. wasps eating silently eating [ __ ]. flounder and i'm here in this hellscape. of [ __ ] surfers and fishermen it's. like a billy joel wet dream this [ __ ]. town bomb it damn it to hell i think the. girls have. i think the girls have quieted down now. they know that.

they know that someone with an intellect. is here but i'll tell you this folks. the police will be coming probably. shortly probably in the middle of the. show uh hopefully not during an ad read. but what are you going to do who's that. somebody come over yeah people are. wandering. people are wandering over good for them. can wander back to their trailers. this is not luxury no there's an animal. skull on the table behind us i mean we. were promised. i was promised a luxurious experience. i i i mean what is happening.

i mean it's it's a complete it's really. truly a complete hell. and uh and i obviously i don't want to. sound ungrateful because i know there's. 18 million americans out of work or 17.8. million americans. out of work uh and all of them and. that's just comedians. all of them are just stand-up comedians. sadly but i i. you know i'm just saying that when you. promise an experience you deliver the. experience you don't deliver. this [ __ ] surf cottage we've gotta. we've got a with a skull of a bison in. there. some horns coming out like it's like.

it's a scene at a true detective. i don't like it of course we're kidding. about kyle rittenhouse he was not on the. patreon. by the way how do we feel about that. everybody that's a new thing everyone's. discussing right now. i stayed away from that one on twitter. it seemed very hot. seemed very hot that discussion about uh. kyle rittenhouse and his gun. uh he went out there was a protest in. there. kenosha is that the way to pronounce it.

kenosha wisconsin about the shooting of. jacob blake. kyle rittenhouse went to the protest. with his mother. mama written house mama bear written. house. also i believe armed. they're an armed family. so mama bear rittenhouse took baby bear. to the protest and baby bear brought it. was it what is it an ar-15 or an ak what. did he bring i don't know what he.

brought. but i know that people are getting mad. that people are confusing those things. so like. hey before you comment on this how about. figuring out the difference between an. ar. and an ak it's like yeah but also how. about just not having teenagers running. through the town square with them no. matter which one it is. how about we not substitute junior prom. with a shoot em up. that's just my thoughts but whatever. automatic weapon he had. it's actually not automatic tim it's.

it's you know. whatever so he shows up with a gun i. don't know what he's doing i don't know. if he's i've commented on this before. i've spoken now it seems like ad nauseam. about what happens when you defund and. abolish. uh police you will have militias you. will have. i've never in my life by the way heard. this [ __ ] dirty working-class. pig on his mower for so long i hope to. god he blows his [ __ ] brains out.

on his goddamn mower i hate people that. mow their own [ __ ] lawn. but i do hope that if i do get a glimpse. of him it is. someone who's mowing their own lawn and. not a worker because i'm pro-worker. so in this situation i'd like my rage to. be directed at the owner of the property. but i don't know who it is if it's. someone just doing their job i'm not as. mad at it. but if it's just some [ __ ] hedge fund. piece of [ __ ]. who's [ __ ] doing his own lawn because. he i want to feel like a real man. i just bankrupted ecuador and i want to.

feel like a man. so i surf and mow my own lawn. there's a cute little bunny here you. can't see it but i'm gonna break its. neck shortly and dip it in uh frank's. red hot. that's right that's where you're going. but my point about the. uh the written house situation. is this is what's gonna happen it's. predictable. when you have chaos riots looting you. will have. people some of them children are picking. up weapons.

uh for no reason are they well is he. defending the. who's he defense some people will defend. their businesses. some people just like chaos some people. like violence some people are quite. bored. they're bored and they say what's going. on. downtown tonight is it a parade. no it's kind of a parade but everybody's. bringing a weapon let's see what we're. gonna get into. and some people go well that sounds like. a fun idea.

let's grab the guns getting the get in. the buggy and head down to town. so we're analyzing it the wrong way. we're trying to look at it we're trying. to be like. but should he have well i don't. understand. maybe no people are bored and they have. weapons. it's not a good mix you see it's a. combustible. mix when bored people have access to. machinery of death. because they tend to use that they want. to go out. they're bored they don't have any jobs.

they've closed down the movie theater. so you can't go see fast and furious 27. okay you can't meet a nice woman and try. to get a hand job by the popcorn machine. you have to try to overthrow the. government now if you want any fun. if you want to get your jollies you're. leaving your house so mama bear written. house and baby bear. grabbed the aks or the ars or whatever. they had the elephant gun the uzi. i don't know not an expert okay they get. in the buggy and they head down. to a kenosha wisconsin uh the city.

center where the. black lives matter movement had been uh. lighting up the uh the cars and the uh. the dealerships and uh they lit up a few. uh. dealerships and i saw what else did they. get over there do you see what they got. they got a few. few other things were you paying. attention i don't care about this. the reality is well that's good that's. why you're on unemployment when that. runs out it's over. uh so the the black lives matter people. they come in and they uh they're they're.

they're. looting and there's uh some chaos and. there's some uh. skirmishes some fighting okay and then. you have look something up on this by. the way cause i don't wanna be wrong. about this it seems rather important. and then you have a written house you. see the video i watched the video on the. kid he's being chased he has a gun he's. being chased somebody kicks him in the. head and then he gets up he sits up and. he starts shooting. firing and then after that i think he. runs towards police and people are angry. that the police gave him a bottle of. water.

and they patted him on the head and they. didn't shoot him well let's be a little. consistent folks. do we want the police shooting people or. not how do we want this to play out do. we want the police to just knee-jerk. reaction. start shooting people as a general rule. i don't think we do. right that's not what we want in fact. i believe we're campaigning to reverse. that behavior. but kyle went to the now i did find it a. little suspect. that the cops you know let let him drive. himself to the police station.

that i didn't like i didn't think that. it was right that they had a ticker tate. parade for him. i thought that was very strange uh when. they were chanting his name kyle. kyle that i didn't like i thought that. was very odd. so there were there was behavior that. they engaged in. that was disappointing to me uh from the. thing of law enforcement many of them. just started making out with him when he. walked over they just started. deep mouth kissing him i found that odd. he's a minor but they were they were. seemingly very supportive of him.

uh there was a lot of high fiving going. on when he stepped over there. so again there are things that shouldn't. escape uh. you know the world's uh uh you know. i we should be looking at these things. but. kyle was then uh taken in by the police. now he's booked on i believe. uh first degree murder charges in. wisconsin this is what i believe. is happening and then this is the big. to-do everybody is deciding. was it right or was it wrong what he did. and what happened well here's my.

position my position is this. um as a general rule when there is going. to be. a civil unrest i tend to go the other. way. i recommend an airbnb something by the. mountains the desert i enjoy the beach. i prefer that now some people like to go. into the eye of the storm. so to speak with a weapon now that is. that is your prerogative but. when you do that you understand that. things are going to happen many of those.

things. unpredictable and unfortunate maybe he. was defending the local business. i don't know i don't like any business. enough to defend. i don't like any of my family enough to. defend in fact if black lives matter was. killing my family right now i would not. show up. to defend my family i would actually. tweet and support. of whatever activity they were doing i. mean i'm talking about blm. stomping my parents out in the middle of. the street i'm telling you i would. not go in the direction of that i might. feel bad for my parents.

i would be like oh well that's not good. but i wouldn't get. in a car and head to their house with a. a weapon well that and maybe that. speaks to my character maybe i should do. that but. i just feel like this guy probably. doesn't have a lot of guidance in his. life. mama bear rittenhouse probably not. mother of the year she's driving her son. to a protest he's heavily armed this. doesn't seem like the best. idea i don't know what this was maybe. they thought it was going to be just a. show of force they were going to march.

around with the weapons i don't know but. again. when this type of thing happens the. looting the burning the chaos. i suggest palm springs. the hamptons these are the nice places. jacksonville. not much i'm haunted god help you it was. the smith wesson. i would rather be getting my skull cuck. kicked in right now by antifa. than being this [ __ ] [ __ ] hole my. point is this. coeur d'alene idaho is nice these are. nice places. and i'm only of course i'm naming the.

rich places because i'm being funny. but there's a lot of other areas that. aren't expensive that you can go. you can leave you can leave kenosha. wisconsin and go somewhere else. till things quiet down. try to get away until things simmer down. that's my general rule. now you can go and march with a weapon i. i just find it to be probably not too. smart. and now this kid's got a first degree. murder charge and that's that's what. i've got to say about that i don't i.

don't know the kid i don't know the. family i you know all these people are. i mean i feel like they might be a bit. off. but i don't know i don't know it's not. like i have any. love loss i mean these protesters are. anarchists they want to burn down the. city. they're not getting anything out of this. this is about violence and chaos. it is not a political movement it does. not have a political goal. it does not have uh points uh it does. not have a leader. it does there's no attempted.

negotiations there's very few demands. that are realistic. other than like eat the rich or end. capitalism. which seems as a demand to be a bit. lofty of an ideal. per se so again we're seeing this as a. as a movement which agitators and. anarchists are people going to take. advantage of. the united states government might send. people into that movement to further. delegitimize it. they've done it with every protest. movement ever every counter culture. movement in america has been subverted. by the fbi look up cointelpro look up.

any of these things. okay um so at the end of the day you you. do not know who's in that crowd when. everybody's got a black mask on and. everybody's just throwing molotov. cocktails. you don't know who's in that crowd why. they're in their crowd what they're. doing okay. it you know when you see the uh. uh all that those antifa people or. whoever they are i don't even know who. they are. i would imagine this is we're just. calling everybody wearing black antifa. now. which and that there probably are large. numbers of them. but they're yelling at this woman who's.

eating in washington dc and there's all. of them and they're screaming and. they're getting in her face. and they're going black lives matter i. mean i'll tell you right now that is a. trump campaign. ad it is a trump campaign ad. to be honest when you see things like. that and you go is the other side just. pure chaos. is the other side pure chaos and are. they excusing chaos are they telling. police to stand down. and are they not prosecuting people who. are destroying your property your. business. your way of earning money that becomes a.

big problem so that becomes a campaign. ad. right there i don't know who's in that. crowd i don't know who those protesters. are. i don't know who they are i don't know. if they're stupid kids i don't know if. they're anarchists. i don't know if they're undercover feds. i don't know if they're foreign. agitators i don't know if from other. countries i don't know. what they're doing okay because. everybody's standing there. dressed in black their faces are covered. we have no idea it's like twitter. this is twitter come to life you look at. twitter you have no idea who these.

people are these bots. you see the same tweet over and over and. over again you go. this is not a real [ __ ] person this. is a form of bots or something. what is it it's not real you look at. these avatars and. you know it's just it's just it's not. real people. so when you look out there and you see. this is the physical manifestation of. twitter. but are they real people who are they i. mean they're they're living breathing. things with flash sure but what are they.

doing. what do they want how many different. groups of people are involved in. something like that. when something goes down in in kenosha. wisconsin. how many of those people are just trying. to grab. some stuff because they've been. unemployed for three months. how many of those people legitimately. agree with the movement how many of. those people. are [ __ ] bored and just want to go. out and light [ __ ] up. because you know what after four months. of not working and the government gives. you 1200. watching [ __ ] burn is funny i'm thinking.

of lighting this airbnb. up i'm thinking lighting this airbnb up. and watching all these [ __ ] pictures. native americans burn. that this white [ __ ] put in there okay. i'm gonna i'll be. by the end of this podcast i'm gonna be. hardcore blm. she's appropriated the native american. culture and she's put it around this. shitty surf. cottage but. this is why you have to look you step. back when you see these protests you see. this [ __ ] happening you're like things. are unfolding. at a mile a minute it's very fast paced.

you look at these things. some of these people seem like highly. trained teams of. anarchists where you go there's four or. six of them they're working in a cell. they know what they're doing they're. looking at each other they're working. they're coordinating with each other one. person is. you know you know tossing gasoline the. other person's throwing the match. one person's lookout they seem like this. is a coordinated thing. and you go who are they is that antifa. is that. uh are they people that are looking to. burn down this this building as a.

diversionary tactic to go do something. else to go loot to go steal to go rob. are these undercover fbi cia people that. just want to. take peaceful protest and turn them into. something that. everybody's against which is very easy. a peaceful protest of a hundred thousand. people is very powerful. you start breaking windows and burning. things down all of a sudden that very. powerful. political statement now becomes. something that most people are against. and they go what is this.

so i don't know who's doing what. but i do know that it is probably not a. good idea to walk into one of these. protests. with a ak-47 or an ar-15 or whatever it. is. it's probably not a good idea okay this. is not a good idea. you know you know no matter what happens. the media is not going to have your back. okay and i'm not saying the media should. have your back i'm not commenting on. this particular. situation i'm just saying when things go. haywire when society collapses. you don't go try to figure it out you.

don't go to the middle of the town. square and go what's going on here. you leave you go. people can become animals very quickly. you ever try to reason with a bear. what are you doing this is not what you. do. you get away until things simmer the. [ __ ] down. they cool the [ __ ] down and the people. can deal with logic and reason. nobody burning things down in. in the heat of that moment is dealing.

with logic and reason. so going in there and i just it was it. was a hot topic on twitter like people. were going after each other. and i i just didn't know i don't. i i really don't know all i know is this. as a general rule it's probably a good. idea to stay the [ __ ] away. when things go haywire and not try to. make sense of it. and not show up to defend the local gas. station or the local target or the big. guy. or even even listen even if it's a.

you know most of these businesses are. insured even if it's a small business. i'm not i i do not believe it's right. that those small businesses are are. burning down. but a lot of those people have insurance. um. i don't think anything's worth losing. your life over. or losing your freedom over obviously if. they're attacking your home. or your family it's a different. situation but to just walk into the. center of town and go. let's figure this [ __ ] out this is the. job of the police. this is why you have a police force this. is the job of the police.

and if these if these people are not. going to let them do their job. and uh this is also the job of actual. legitimate activists to. constrain these movements and make them. productive. and not let them become these big tents. for people that just want to destroy. things and rob people. you're going to have to actually exert. some power over the movement. and a lot of these people doing this. [ __ ] are white let's be honest and this. is a black lives matter movement. so that's kind of what i have to say.

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you should do it this will change your. life i'm telling you right now if o.j. simpson got a good night's sleep. he would not have killed his wife if he. did which i don't think he did. but i'm just using that example do you. understand what i mean. i think oj is innocent free oj he's free. i follow him on twitter but i'm saying. if he killed his wife it's because he. did not get a good night's sleep. yes or yes so go to helixsleep.com tim. dillon in other news i was in new york.

city we filmed a very funny video in new. york city and. new york city i mean we're going into. new york city like we're expecting. kenosha wisconsin. we think it's we're going to get knifed. beaten stabbed. shot we think we're going to be killed. we're planning how to do this video and. then get right back in the rental car. we're imagining lurid [ __ ] you know. scenes i am legend every zombie disaster. movie. you've ever seen we're thinking about. just you know young. kids running around robbing you pelting. you with rocks. okay or imagine boarded up storefronts.

people crawling on the street. we're thinking about just pools of blood. that are gathering at the corners of the. streets. we're thinking that it's going to be a. horror it's going to be a. post-apocalyptic. hellscape and we get there and it's. lovely it's paradise it's. actually nicer than it was yes there's. some shootings you're gonna get shot. you're gonna get shot maybe.

but maybe not the rents are falling it's. it's really nice people are out they're. walking their dogs covered rates are low. the restaurants are open for dinner. people are a few of them recognize me i. love the show this is nice thank you i'm. walking around i got. gashes of blood all over me it's great. by the way you know what's funny. what's really great is that you know. that no one cares about you. when you facetime them they don't know. you're doing the video you facetime them. and you have deep gashes in your face. and you're bleeding and they don't know.

it's makeup and they still don't care. that's how you know you've really. surrounded yourself with a great class. of people. it's really really good my dad was like. what's going on. why are you bleeding that's the boomer. response to everything. it's just light laughter and confusion. [Laughter]. christina is but his face is bleeding. he has a gash in his face why is your. face bleeding. are you dying he is dying.

my son is dying. i mean i was shocked at how nice. how beautiful new york was and how you. know i i remember it you know i love you. i would never live there again. but i just i i loved it man i love. walking by and a guy like you you're a. young guy you should be there if you're. a young person. move to new york date meet young people. get stabbed if you have to take a bullet. gives you a little character gives you a.

little story. but i'm telling you right now i i think. the media has hyped this up. and this whole james altucher who i like. he's a sweet guy he's like a bootleg. malcolm gladwell and i and i and i mean. and i don't mean that to offend him but. he looks like malcolm gladwell. he's a big fan of this podcast i'll. teacher he's uh he's. a really nice guy he's a fan of comedy. he's a comedian to some degree. um and i and he owns he's a part owner. of standup new york. which is one of the worst comedy clubs.

in the country. uh and a place where every time i have. to perform i've considered blowing my. brains out. on the way there instead i do it and and. it's fine. listen i'm not i'm a kid i kid them and. i don't i don't care. about working there anymore but i'm. backing governors love governors thank. you we. we healed our wounds and we're and we're. now back together we're back together. and we'll do that with standard new york. too if they get because i can sell. little tickets now so. they'll be okay it's it's a massage. front it is what it is thank you. anyway i did a new year's eve show there.

once and the owner brought in like three. tables of people and they were eating. food. out of like big tins and it's it's a. massage front for weapons for the uh. for the uh uh idf anyway moving on. doesn't matter who cares. anyway it doesn't matter al tucha is a. part owner of this business why because. it's a scam. and he's like a bitcoin guy and he's. involved in all kinds of different. things which i appreciate. his new thing's going to be like. doomsday prepper he's going to be. selling. uh you know doomsday prep kits hey you. can run your business from your doomsday. hole you know. 10 tips for the modern business prep but.

dan's nervous because he wants to work. these clubs. but i don't care but james is a. sweetheart of a guy right he bought into. this massage scam. and he he does like you know every now. and then he'll do a bitcoin seminar in. between two of the comics which is very. helpful for a show. you know i'll get up do jokes and then. he'll come up and talk about ethereum. so. we're having fun i'm sure he enjoys this. my my job is my job folks. so james bought into uh a stand-up new. york massage scam.

and he they just made the bartender the. booker once. they just they just wanted the mexican. guys that was wiping off the table they. go now you booked the club he goes. oh okay who what what. okay here is lineup godfrey. godfrey. tim dillon uh i don't i don't know who's. who is this. uh lori kilmartin ah okay. you're the booker now you washed the.

dishes now you booked the club now you. curate the entertainment for the. audience. they just give everything the homeless. guy across the street was the booker you. used to have to go and audition for him. he was blind so he would have to you. know. feel your face with his fingers anyway. so al tutor buys into this club. which is and by the way the new york. times jason zinniman the. the writer for the new york times comedy. section he still has a job. amazing maybe the recession isn't that. bad. jason who i like who's been on the.

program open invitation again unlike mag. right at vulture who will not come on i. don't know why i'm respectful to. everyone. come on but she doesn't want to leave. her apartment she's cocooned in there. with many cats don't know. but come on let's talk i i don't even. hate her i don't. like what she does but i don't hate her. i like that archetype of woman who's. like. kind of strange and you know but. committed to her work like i like i like. a. like a monastery type of like just. typing and i. like i'm like that i don't have friends. and things i like what she's doing.

come and join me and we'll sit at. opposite ends of the table and we'll. talk about how our careers or our lives. and our lives are horrible. yes or yes meg so jason wrote this whole. thing about how. it's so great to do stand-up comedy in. central park and. you know on on the shores of the east. river and in a cab. it's so nice and the state of new york. is producing a lot of these outdoor. comedy shows now because people when. people just get out of a four-month. coven isolation and they're laying in. the park what they really want is. somebody yelling about their [ __ ].

that's what they want they're just. trying to set to be in the park with. their family and they need. some insecure psychopath babbling in the. park. so james l tucher part owner of stand-up. new york who's on the avant-garde here. and on the vanguard of all these new uh. comedy experiences curating all these. comedy experiences. in the park uh james o'tooter writes an. article called new york is dead. and it's never coming back and people. are very very angry about that because. i'll teach her. very smart guy knows what he's doing a. little bit of a troll.

knows what he's going to do when he says. new york's dead what's gonna happen. who's gonna puff up their chest some. gazillionaire. like jerry seinfeld. so jerry seinfeld who is. a legend a king whatever you want he's. great it is what it is. probably wouldn't love me but wouldn't. like my comedy maybe he would don't know. so jerry writes an article saying hey. new york's gonna be okay. it is what it is you know and that's the.

whole article i mean there's more. parts of it but you know it's not that. funny but it's. fun and it's jerry going uh hey he goes. yeah i've never been to new york i have. a house in long island which is i mean. he's in a state in hampton's house. but whatever he's allowed to say that. right it is what it is so everybody. you know so jerry goes new york's gonna. be fine everybody's gonna be fine shut. the [ __ ] up. and i saw him recently out here in the. hamptons. jerry and he was just pulling he was. pulling the the masks off. off off waiters and waitresses and then.

deep mouth kissing them. and gender unimportant and then kiss him. and then he would say new york is back. [ __ ] and he'd say open your mouth and. then he'd spit in their mouth and i was. like that's the type of guy. that i think is important to have i. think he needs someone who's kind of. tough like that and who's really. has a passion for the city i like that i. saw him hit a hit of maid with his car. and he just said new york's back [ __ ]. and kept driving and that i like that. but so jerry got in the new york times. and just basically did. a takedown of altu and he called them a.

putts. i love jerry seinfeld insults they're. like from 1935. this guy's the putts he's a louse. this this look at this carnival barker. so jerry's insulting this guy with. depression-era slang. in the new york times i think altucha. responds in the post. and it's just been a knockdown drag out. of rich guys. who don't live in the city currently. arguing about if the city is going to be. back.

and guys the city is already back it's. actually. doing fine i mean things aren't open. things will open but the city is doing. fine yes there is crime there are. problems. there are issues with the police from. what i gather. but the city itself is actually okay. so we have this tug of war between james. altucher it's stand-up new york and of. course i kid stand up new york. i love you guys i'd love to perform on a. barge in the east river. if you have my email and you have james.

altucher going at. a legendary king of the hamptons jerry. seinfeld. and they just it's a knock down throw. down fight the two men are much more. successful than your humble. podcaster here so all i say is hey it's. fun. i want to write a third article called. new york's not dead but let's. kill it and it would be outlining the. reasons to kill new york and how to do. it. that would be the humorous take which.

jerry and altucher decided not to be. humorous in their articles. following the ethos of comedy right now. to be very serious. all the time and make tiny little jokes. kind of. that's what we do and that's who we give. specials to and those people become. uh millionaires but i would like to. write an article called new york is not. dead but. [ __ ] me if i ain't gonna try let's kill. it. here's how to kill it and i would then. just list you know. an eight-point plan or a ten point plan. about how to destroy uh new york city i.

think that would be. that would be fun i don't know if that's. gonna happen or not. probably not but you know we will see. but that that's been a very interesting. war that has been brewing uh in the. comedy world that is uh what the comedy. world has been kind of talking about and. what. it's bled out into uh anybody that's on. twitter or really anybody that's. in new york's probably come across one. of those articles. saying that new york is dead forever and. here's why and i'll teach you made some.

good points he said the internet speed. allows you to conduct business wherever. you want. so why the hell are you doing in new. york and jerry seinfeld's whole point. was that uh which i thought was also a. good point he's like. where else can you kill a maid and then. have it covered up in under six hours. and have her body buried in the park so. both of them. have a good point and i think both of. them should. be heard and by the way guys. you are so welcome to come on the show.

you're so welcome to come on the show. jerry and al tucher. and me just a couple of guys just a. couple of guys that want the best for. the [ __ ] greatest. city in the world okay and i'll rent a. nice airbnb i won't be here in this uh. montauk surf [ __ ]. i'm gonna burn this place down you got. to be on ayahuasca to think this is a. [ __ ]. nice place i paid for luxury experience. and i didn't get it. and when i'm promised luxury and i don't. get it i squeal like a pig.

i squeal like a pig like a privileged. vindictive petty little pig that's a. petty little pig. if you heard me squealing from a mile. away you'd go that. pig didn't get luxury that pig was. expecting luxury and didn't get it. what a petty little pig and i'd go. i'd make a sound like that and i. wouldn't stop. and they'd toss and turn in their beds. and they wouldn't be able to sleep.

and the kids would run into the rooms. and the kids would go why can't i sleep. there's this blood. curdling scream and the parents would. say. son i'll tell you i'll tell you a lesson. you're going to learn a lesson right now. if you promise. a pig luxury you better deliver. because if you don't that pig will. scream until that pig can scream no more. do you understand that daddy why is. luxury so important to the pig. well the pig has a little else son the. pig likes the luxury the pig likes the.

creature comforts. that is why pigs exist to put themselves. in situations where they can get. creature comforts. and if they are promised these things. and they don't get them they believe. that the entire world should be burned. to the ground son. even our family yes yes. a pig who's promised luxury and not. delivered it would watch you your sister. me and your mother. burn to death without a tear in his eye. no emotion. because a pig deserves luxury i don't. deserve.

[ __ ] wooden benches with [ __ ] a. blanket over them. how dare you how dare you and i don't. usually leave. bad reviews on the airbnb but i'm going. to write. on airbnb that this woman uh had. clan memorabilia in her house i'm going. to say that i was very uncomfortable. by a room in her house that was. dedicated to a history of the klu klux. klan. which her grandfather was in and she was. very proud of she said i'm very proud of.

my heritage by the way she texted me. that she's like the last people at a. party of six people it was a big deal. there was trash all over the yard people. have food out. please don't be that guy and i'm like. [ __ ]. i'm not gonna be that guy i do the same. thing in every airbnb this is my two. week end of summer vacation then we'll. be back in the studio. next week every airbnb i sit in the. backyard and i scream for several hours. into a microphone that is my job the guy. yesterday is like i calls the cops i'm. like. it's my job sir my job isn't like your.

job to just go around and shoot people. whenever you feel like it. my job is to communicate with the body. politic. with the public i have to speak to the. public it's not my fault. we're all looking for ways to save money. especially now when's the last time you. looked at how much you're spending every. month on car insurance i'm telling you. you spend a lot i spend a lot. i've totaled five cars and i've had. multiple suspended licenses. but you know what i'm telling you gabby. takes the pain out of shopping for. insurance by giving you. an apples to apples comparison of your. current coverage with 40 of the top.

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so if you if you have car insurance. you're paying a lot for it maybe you. haven't [ __ ] up in a while you haven't. had a ticket you haven't been pulled. over. you've been doing the right thing and. you know you've got a high rate with a. progressive or someone else. you can basically plug in. uh your insurance information into gabby. they work with all kinds of different. insurers they will match. the type of insurance you have right now. and see if there is a better option for. you if there's not there's not who cares. but if there is why would you not save.

money it's totally free to check your. rate. there's no obligation takes two minutes. right now to see how much you can save. on your car. and homeowners insurance too that's. important. go to gabby.com tim dillon that's. g-a-b-i. dot-com tim dillon g-a-b-i dot com slash. tim dillon truly i love these things. because you know what. if you're like me and you don't know. about this stuff you just say you know. what. put your information in see what comes. up and listen if you don't want to.

change it you don't have to change it. but just know what your options are i'm. a big fan of knowing what your options. are. it's super important you know big fan of. that so that's. g-a-b-i dot com slash tim dillon. gabby.com tim dillon this is an. essential part. of uh trying to get yourself financially. in a better shape we're heading into a. vicious year. we don't know where the economy is going. you need every dollar and if you can. find out how much. you're overpaying on car insurance. that's the best thing to do.

so that's g-a-b-i dot-com tim. dillon do it tell me how much you saved. tell me how much you saved i mean i'm. interested to hear. you know i mean i wouldn't i wouldn't uh. tell you to do this if i thought you. couldn't save anything. and many of you won't save anything. maybe probably won't because you're. animals you know. i don't know what you're doing in there. you're probably driving illegal yeah you. know. maybe you killed somebody with your car. you probably killed a family of four. on the long island expressway because. you're driving the wrong way what do i. know what you did. but even if you are one of those people.

and you were charged you served ten. years. for vehicular homicide still. go to gabi.com tim dillon. that's gabby.com tim dillon and explain. to them that you had a vehicular. homicide. where you killed an entire family but. you're looking to save money. thank you ridge wallet yum. i mean ridge [ __ ] wallet how many. times have we told you to get ridge. wallet it is a small. front facing minimalist sleek metal. wallet that is so easy to sanitize it is.

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wallet so many times i've talked about. my dad's wallet how embarrassing it was. he'd open it up all these business cards. would fall out. of people he couldn't get to do business. with them crumpled up ones i mean it was. a nightmare. but you're not gonna have that. experience you put a ridge on the bar a. woman wants to [ __ ] you. a man wants to [ __ ] you everybody wants. to [ __ ] you. when you put a ridge wallet on the bar. because people go what's that oh it's. this new thing don't worry about it you. know. play it cool play it cool i'm telling. you it's very important everybody. that's a fan of this show a lot of us.

have ridge wallets you know i mean it's. very very important you got to go to. ridge.com. tim it is very very important do you. have ridge wallet. of course it's beautiful what do you. think about it i love it good. ridge.com t-i-m it's so. important right now to have a sleek. slender. sexy wallet for the end of the world so. that's ridge.com. tim do not do what my father did which. was order for them without the promo. code that is a waste of all of our times.

thank you but i do i will miss this area. i do love this area man. there's great people watching we had. lunch today and we walked into this. place called the american hotel in sag. harbor and they're just. old ancient people here man there was a. woman when we walked in who looked like. a grouper. just a fat lady looked like a grouper. and her two. friends or daughters were each had gray. hair and they were like terrified you. could tell they were terrified of this. woman. she was the grouper she was the boss and. she sat in the corner of the restaurant.

in the corner seat. and you could tell she controls the. purse strings you know she. she carves it all up and her will is. malleable. you know she can just take out an eraser. and ruin your life or. with a flick of repent she can change. your life and they know that. because eventually the grouper is going. to do herself in it's just going to be a. little too much chocolate mousse and. then. so it's just great to watch. the birds it's just great to uh to. observe people like that in their. natural habitat it's very interesting. it's. it's a life that i'll know nothing about.

except from the outside. i suspect it's very boring i suspect the. fantasy life i want to live like. finance and these elite groups of people. i suspect it's very boring that's what. i've heard from certain people. that have lived that life um but i don't. know. that's my suspicion uh like my life's. kind of boring you know you think i have. all these interesting friends. and they're all funny and everything and. it's like not. kind of true but some of them aren't for. sure and a lot of them aren't. but it's not as fun as you'd think it's.

actually not as fun as you'd think and. most people are sitting there now going. no we think your life's horrible we know. that that's why we tune in every week. because i will blow my head off on the. show one day uh in the middle of an ad. read from magic spoon cereal i'll just. blow my brains out. i want to destroy a brand when i go like. i. want i want you know bud dwyer remember. that i want my suicide to be. always attached to magic spoon keto. cereal. so that like is anytime it comes up. somebody goes is that the one where the. guy blew his and they go yeah.

yeah that's it they'll have to change. their name and everything i think it'll. be a lot of fun. um but uh yeah so i'll be back we're. gonna be back. in california and that's coming we're. coming back to the desert on thursday. we're going to start doing shows in the. studio again. we've got a great show coming up we hope. it's a great show at the stress factory. in new brunswick new jersey. uh governor meatball cuomo and his. brother chris fredo. uh corleone uh cancelled. uh my shows and we know that they're.

goons and they're. run a crime family so they canceled my. shows and they didn't allow me to speak. in my home state. they would not allow me to speak in my. home state. wow but that's okay i went to the next. state over where it's still a. representative democracy it's america. apparently and i will be performing uh. in a parking lot. and i'm very excited about that and then. i will head back to the desert and then. i hibernate i hibernate probably through. the. the fall in the winter depending on what. the second wave is doing and if we can. get back out there.

but as soon as we can get back out there. on the road we're gonna get back out. there on the road because i'm just. getting a little bored. not getting stomped out by rioters to be. quite honest with you it's getting a. little boring i want to put myself into. the mix. i don't need all of these ribs you know. i want to get back out there it's. getting spicy in the streets. i want to be on stage at zany's while. everything's burning down. you know uh so we will get out there and. don't worry about that but until then. we're going to be uh how long have we. done by the way uh.

40 minutes yeah i mean so don't so if. you if you are. are into seeing us live seeing me live. it's gonna happen. don't worry about it uh it's not going. to be. a situation where uh we never do live. comedy again we're gonna do it again we. just want to find a way to do it. that is fun and safe uh. and uh isn't completely horrible and. doesn't ruin the experience of going out. live. you know we know that money is tight for.

a lot of people we don't want to ask you. to buy tickets. uh to a show now i know stand-up new. york has had a lot of uh. success doing comedy shows in pipes. underground new york and i respect that. i resp i mean i haven't been booked but. i respect that. that's very good and you know i. appreciate. listen the mossad needs money they need. money. we're just having fun folks and if you. can't have fun frankly. what can you do well you can grab a.

weapon and run into the town square. but i wouldn't recommend it again it's. just not a good idea we all come back to. what is and isn't a good idea it's not a. fun end of summer activity. may i suggest s'mores. and s'mores suck you know what's. interesting about s'mores this is. fascinating. and this is a lot of life this is a lot. of life. the idea of s'mores is good the. the flavor of s'mores is great in other. things. s'mores ice cream s'mores pie.

a graham cracker crust with chocolate. pudding. and a marshmallow top i mean nothing. better. but the actual s'more sucks. the actual s'more is not good because. you bite into it. and the marshmallow has only a few. seconds before it becomes too. chewy and the chocolate is either molten. and it's spilling on your hand and. you're getting burned. or it's not melted enough and the graham. crackers are just not good.

graham crackers are not good unless. they've been pulverized beyond. recognition. the s'more is a metaphor for a lot of. things in life. where you say to yourself you know this. would probably be good. at its components put another way are. probably really good. but in the way that they're intended. they're not good they don't work in fact. in fact it does not work at all but it's. still a better idea. than shooting people in the street if. we're talking about. just fun end of summer activities even.

those s'mores are very hard to get. absolutely i've never had a perfect. s'more have you had a perfect smile. no the process is is the thing that. sucks the most. it's very hard yeah camping is is kind. of a nightmare i mean the one time i. went camping i went with my uncle. and it rained for two days straight and. he spent time uh talking about the. kennedy assassination. and i was eight but i appreciated that i. kind of liked that. uh what terrifies me is if i go camping. again i'll probably go with. people that don't want to talk about the. kennedy assassination and the sun will.

come out. that'll be a real hellscape i rode a. bike today for the first time. i i rode a bike on a highway in montauk. like like a monster. you know can you imagine seeing me on a. bike if you see me on a bike. you look at somebody in your car and you. go that guy just killed his wife. if you see me on a bike you go that guy. just strangled his wife in the backyard. and he doesn't want to get in the car.

and he doesn't want it but he's on this. bike. for no i mean no there's no good reason. a guy like me is on a bike. i i just did something horrible i'm on. my way to do something horrible. there's just no there's just there's. no way a guy needs anybody it's. undignified. it's it's like a guy like me and a g. like a denim jacket. like a guy like me in a denim jack you. go what the [ __ ]. happened to that person because i know. who i am like. there's people that walk around this.

world they have no idea who they are. i have friends that don't know they're. fat they're like women they don't. they don't understand they're fat and i. don't. it's it's fascinating like i had a. friend she called me the other day. i said i said i'm in the hamptons. where's that [ __ ] muffin. the [ __ ] muffin she goes oh round. swamp farms have the best. berry muffin it's got blueberries and. raspberry you know [ __ ] what berries. are. and they're in this muffin and they're. really good and i said where's [ __ ].

muffins because that's a good muffin she. goes let me tell you another muffin. we talked about so then then she tells. me she goes i think she goes i think i'm. fat. because i have uh my body's producing. too much cortisol. which is the stress hormone and she goes. and when you're fat. uh when you have too much cortisol you. don't metabolize fat and you get fat. and you have something called cushing. syndrome or cuffing syndra i don't know. and she goes that syndrome and she goes. i think you have it too. and i said okay and she i said what is. that syndrome because you have skinny.

legs and a fat stomach i said but that's. everyone who's fat has that that's. everyone who's fat. and she goes well i think i have it. because i didn't get fat by eating i. said. we just talked about a muffin for seven. minutes. for seven whole minutes we talked about. a muffin she goes i think i have. cushing's. or cooper syndrome i don't know what. syndrome they have but you're gonna know. who you are it doesn't mean i can't lose. weight i'm trying to lose weight i'd. fish today. but the point is i shouldn't really. being on a bike. do you respect anyone on a bike is.

anyone on a bike like a person you want. to really spend time with. truly you just don't i forget what. comedian has. a great bit about people on bikes. whatever but i just. don't like the whole thing to me i don't. like i don't like guys on skateboard. scooters. unless they're you know the appropriate. age i don't need we don't need to be. 40 on a scooter a segway a skateboard. hoverboard maybe you know but this is. just what it is but i guarantee. somebody saw me on uh somebody on the.

bike and just looked. like he's driving his son a little. league and he just goes that man's done. a horrible thing. that sounds like what do you mean daddy. he's on a bike. he just did a horrible thing son he'll. never be he can close his eyes but he'll. never be able to unsee what he did. the kid's like what you got all this. from him being on a bike. guy's like absolutely i did i paid. attention. you know that's where it is that's where. it ends that's where. that's where we find ourselves here it. is 2020 the year of our lord.

at the end of august we have found. ourselves in a recession a depression. uh you know we've become uh. a quarantined we've become uh bots. people that exist only online we've. become the bots we're the russian bots. we're the things that everybody warned. you about we've become the you know. shaved head. genderless kind of yeah you know [ __ ]. beady eyes dark blue light. of computer screen in our face all the. time we became those people. run and ruled by fear and anxiety and.

depression. we became those people we became that. darkness that darkness online that we. always were scared. was going to infect us we became it for. the last four or five months and now. as we leave our homes we can't shake. that darkness. we can't shake it we just want to watch. [ __ ] burn we want to shoot people we. want to topple. oppressive systems we want to destroy. things we want to burn things because we. can't. figure out how to how to really how to. do anything else. we can't figure out how to make life.

better for ourselves. or each other so the only thing that we. can do right now. is to destroy and that's a big problem. and if we don't figure out a way to make. our lives. better we are going to destroy each. other and we're going to destroy this. planet. and that's a big big problem. for me mainly because i just started. selling tickets. so i would like a few years. of entertaining people which i worked.

very hard to do. before we start burning this entire. planet down. but that's what you see happening that's. what you see happening with mama bear. rittenhouse. and baby bear kyle when they get in that. car and they get in there with those. guns. they know where they're going they don't. know what's going to happen but they're. going to the end of the world. and they've been training for the end of. the world for a very long time. and you've been training for it too and. it doesn't matter how you want to. experience it you might experience it on. your computer. they might experience it up front they. feel the heat of that.

fire and their [ __ ] fingers around. the trigger but we're all. going to the end of the world whether. we're doing it in a van with a gun. or whether we're just logging onto. twitter we're going to the end of the. world and if we keep. traveling in the direction of the end of. the [ __ ] world. the world is going to [ __ ] end so. that's what i'm saying. take your foot off the gas take your. finger off the trigger. walk away go the other way go find a. place that's quiet. think and listen to jerry seinfeld and.

james altucher. debate listen to two millionaires debate. the future of new york city a city that. will be fine without either one of them. by the way but we can't keep. our pressure like we cannot keep our. foot on the gas. like this it's going to be very very. very destructive. and the next few months i i fear this. and i don't want to say it. but they're going to be bloody and. they're going gonna be horrible. you know what i mean and and and listen.

i don't know i don't know how much. advice you want from me. if you're gonna do it if you're gonna go. if you can't. stop yourself truly if you cannot stop. yourself. from grabbing a weapon and going to. confront. your idea of whatever you think evil is. and you're going to put yourself in hell. don't take a [ __ ] bike goodbye.