#210 - I Am The Most Successful Podcaster In Los Angeles | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim. dillon show. here live. from a stunning estate. out here in the desert uh this is a. temporary setup for the show for the. moment. we are looking at studio spaces right. now. uh haven't made any commitment to. anything yet. obviously we are like many of you. um quite uncertain.

about um what's going to be open. what's going to be usable state of. california considering another. shutdown you're going to get a video. podcast from somewhere. and you're going to like it because it's. free that's what's going to happen. it's not on [ __ ] zoom like everybody. else is doing. i don't have an uninteresting guest. coming on over zoom. okay to tell you about what it's like in.

in the hell they find themselves in it's. a pretty. good deal for nothing. you don't spend a dollar i'm excluding. of course. the patreon members who support the show. and don't get video because patreon is. audio audio only because. it is a throwback to the 90s golden era. of talk. radio where you didn't need to look at. somebody. you were driving on the cross island.

parkway and you were you were just. waiting to get home and choke your wife. out. and so you listen to bob grant and rush. limbaugh or if you were. late night you might listen to art bell. people talk about aliens which we'll. talk about later. but i grew up on those shows i grew up. on right. wing reactionary talk radio. it was a beautiful great thing for this. country. and morning shows comedy comedic morning.

shows. but bob grant was the best whether you. liked his politics or nod. he would always tell people who would. call into a show he'd go you're a fake. phony fraud get off my phone and he'd. hang up. and they'd call back every week it was. fun. so that's why you don't need the video. on patreon it's an homage. to a better time we didn't have to. see everything visually joe rogan. announced that he's moving to texas.

and i want to get this i want to get. this. uh out because i i think there's a lot. of people. that don't know the full story joe. wants to go there for a little more. freedom he said and because. la you know you have the homelessness. and the traffic here's the actual. reality. i moved to la about a year ago and i. immediately started making more money. than joe. on as a podcaster i was i'm doing better.

than him. our youtube views are higher than his uh. my subscribers are more than his. my ad deals are more than his um in the. beginning that was okay but it became. awkward for us for our friendship. it was weird to see him at the comedy. store um. because i was making more money as a po. i was a bigger podcaster. in a year of being in los angeles um my. our podcast regularly get 30 to 50. million views.

per podcast and he gets i believe. maybe 2 million or 5 million or. something it's. pathetic so he's now running to texas. he's running away from me because i have. taken over los. angeles and i am the biggest podcaster. in the world. and i you know for him to go out and. pretend that this is about. traffic is a little absurd um i. i came i saw i conquered and he is. choosing to run away.

that's the reality he doesn't have any. money he asked me to borrow 300. last week and i said no um. that's it i i will not enable people in. their poor decisions uh this spotify. deal is not real spotify does not exist. i have google spotify i don't know what. it is. i don't think by the way neither does. spotify if they exist they don't know. what it is. i don't know what it is i don't know. what this last podcast on the left is. that got some d i don't know what these.

things are. i'm pretty sure they're inventions i. don't fall for it. okay so when i come to la and i take it. over. just admit that you got beat. don't start talking about homeless. people in traffic. okay i'm number one now number one you. hear that. hashtag only comedy store regular not in. jail. it's a joke relax.

[Music]. i never knew what i never thought i'd. know what it felt like to own a city. now i do out i'll be deciding who stays. and who goes. [Music]. boy this thing we we made a couple of. videos for tbs today. that i mean we don't really respect the. tournament of laugh show. but i mean the the level of. just complete indifference.

to the to the videos even making the. least bit of sense. i mean they don't make any sense and. we've delivered them to tbs. with pretty much a 24-hour turnaround. time where they. have to edit these videos into some. coherent narrative these sketches don't. make any sense at all we're going to. play them. next week as soon as we get the go-ahead. to play these full sketches for you i. really want to tell you what we've done.

because we have done something i mean we. should be. blacklisted from the business like. harvey weinstein. for the level of uh sketch we. delivered to tbs for their uh. show tournament of laughs of course. where. comedians i don't know how many they. started with but we're the we're in. where. are we in the can we say what we're in. now i think so we're in the final we're. in the final round. we're in the final round we've already. won. la now we're going to try to win.

tournament of laughs but the sketches. that we've submitted. they're funny because they make. absolutely no sense. um and and i cannot wait to show you the. raw footage that we sent to tbs i'm very. curious. as to what they will do with it i mean. in one of the sketches. i'm in a colorful shirt i'm wearing a. wig. i'm standing in the shower and i'm just.

i say i'm anthony fauci's son and i just. start yelling. forget about it and coronavirus forget. about it. and that's the entire sketch that's. it okay in the shower. fouchy sun there's i'm getting rained on. i mean the showers. making me wet and i'm going hey forget. about it coronavirus forgot about it. we sent that to tbs today they didn't. understand what it was.

but they kind of have to put it on. television. which is what makes us laugh television. is now a. practical joke. we wanted to get on television at one. point now we run from it like a like a. coughing [ __ ] corona patient. i'm telling you television has now. become. you know my aunt had a great quote about. tournament of laughs she goes.

your video doesn't seem as funny. because it's on that show. and then she goes i watched it on social. media and it's great. but on that show it doesn't seem funny. and that's the problem. with television right now too many cooks. in the god damn kitchen but we gave. those cooks this week a bowl of [ __ ]. and they're going to have to make up a.

pie. with that good luck forget about. when i tell you that that's the whole. sketch. it's three minutes when i tell you i. splash around in a bathtub going. forget about anthony fauci daddy fauci. i mean they should just. they should not air it and fire me. they should fire us they should email.

us and go you're fired we know what. you're doing you disrespectful piece of. [ __ ]. what you think you don't need us cause. you got a hundred thousand views on a. podcast you. fat big go into new media you. [ __ ] loser you pirate ship. steering scum go steer your pirate ship. and go live in a car. that's what they should do but instead. they're gonna put it on television.

they're gonna put it on television and. joe rogan can watch it in texas from his. trailer park. because we've won. spotify google the spotify doesn't exist. are they nuts these people they love. they don't stop. lying they make up a hundred million. three hundred million it's all fake it's. not. real if spotify was real they would have. bought. my show.

congrats to nicholas sandman. the covington catholic student who. settled a lawsuit today with the. with the uh washington post. i believe it was a 250 million dollar. lawsuit i don't know what. does that mean he gets 250 what does it. mean benjamin. break it down ben avery legal scholar. what does it mean. so they did settle but they haven't.

disclosed the terms of the deal. we don't know the terms of the deal but. it's good money is it not. it must be is it big money it's probably. really big. i bet it's big money for. nicholas sandman covington catholic high. school teen of the heart. of the this is when the native american. if you don't remember this folks. uh remember you were somewhere when the. world was a world. you were in your office you're maybe. eating a cold.

crazy sandwich this is where you were i. know where you were. you were eating a cold caprese sandwich. which has. the tomato and the tomato had a little. bit of the. white in the middle because it was. winter and you don't love that but it's. the way it is because you just grabbed. this. from the deli in the building you know. the [ __ ] food place in the building. you're eating a caprese sandwich you're. dunking it. it's got a light smear of pesto but you. needed more so you're dumping it in the. balsamic vinegar. and you're eating it and you're really.

like god this isn't good it's just not. good it tastes like refrigerator. and you're eating it and then you looked. online and. uh you saw this. story about uh a group of red hat. maga hat wearing kids from covington. catholic a school in kentucky that went. to the march for life in dc. and surrounded a native american man and. beat him to death. because that's what i thought happened. when i first saw how angry everybody was.

i said they surrounded this native. american man who was like trying to sing. peaceful songs that the native american. man was like peace to all the people. in the world i don't know why he's. british. but the accents never come out the way. they. should but it's good because it's a. white accent and you can't get angry at. that. so this is nathan phillips with his drum. and his british agony ghost and he walks. up to the castle. yes i'm a british indian.

and i love you and then the kids. beat the [ __ ] out of him stomp on his. head. piss in his mouth [ __ ] him not because. they're gay it's just. showing of power i [ __ ] him smirk him in. his face. uh bloody him up real good take a [ __ ]. on him. um and then i don't know. and then like light his corpse on fire. and all light [ __ ] joints. uh and then smoke them and go hey [ __ ].

you i'm white what are you gonna do. um and the old shirts that said like you. know. [ __ ] you uh you know. my land is my land shirts that my land. is. my land shirt they sang my country tis. of thee while they stomped him out. sweet land of liver. of the aussie landed my. fathers and they were just stomping them.

out i this. is what we believed happened it's what. we thought happened. apparently we were lied to again that is. not what happened. this guy was standing there a bunch of. black israelites. who i like and they are fans of the. program shout out to the black. israelites. yes they are anti-gay and anti-jew but. they're not anti-tim. because i used to do uh tours for the uh. in harlem. and i would see the black israelites and.

i would stop my tour bus. and make the people listen to the black. israelites scream about right. uh white people being genocidal monsters. i thought it was a nice break. uh between the apollo theater and then. uh fifth avenue and the apple store. i thought it was a nice break uh we're. gonna stop here and listen to these. three gentlemen dressed like uh ninja. turtles they wear they dress like. splinter. and um so they were yelling.

at the covington kids they were like. what are you [ __ ] white fa what are. you all doing sucking each other's dicks. i bet it was good yeah. i bet it was good roasting good. roasting of course liberals are like you. know. no they weren't saying that what. so they were roasting the covent kids. and then nathan phillips came in with. his like you know. the thing they have what's the thing. they have with the drum and they go like. this and it hits both sides of the drum. but do you know what i'm saying i know. what you're talking about it's a it's a. really you know fun you do it.

and he comes up and he's like dude you. know he's doing his thing and he's. and he's like i am a native american. what is coming out now what is that i. don't even know what this one is. this is jamaican this is a jamaican one. it just happened i am a native. i'm a native american why and uh i don't. even know how i don't even know. how native americans talk it's very slow. and deliberate right it's like. i'm is this it i'm a.

i'm a wise na is this richard nixon and. nixon. it's a c.i.a [ __ ]. president can't say jew god damn it. you don't [ __ ] with the c.i.a bob. they've always hated me these. [ __ ]. j edgar hoover the kennedy family i. didn't go to the right schools okay. so then the native american who is not a. jamaican a british person or richard. nixon i just don't know how to do it. but you know how they talk it's like. slow always.

because they know things they're wise. they've seen it and they're i forget. what he how he would do it he'd be like. how how. you are a bad white man or something. that's kind of it. you're a bad why but then it gets it. gets a little irish doesn't it. doesn't it get a little irish because. they've been [ __ ] over more than. anybody really. the native americans sure you got.

casinos the irish people of nothing. would just get little by priests and eat. boiled meat and look at our wives. and our wives look like husbands if you. know what i mean. they're disgusting women so. he comes over to the covington kids and. i believe he's beating a drum. in nicholas sandman's face. covington kid and then nicholas sandman. to his. uh credit doesn't while out doesn't. punch the guy.

doesn't do anything really egregious. other than stand there and smile. as you would if a guy started banging a. drum in your. i would have [ __ ] freaked out i would. have twerked out if if. nathan phillips started twerking not. nathan phillips. nicholas sandman but if both of them. started twerking like. straight up twerking it's time for. america to get even crazier do you know. what i mean. we're on this edge of total insanity. let's. let the car fall off it but nicholas.

salmon just stood there as this um. elder tribal elder. was confronting him i don't know what he. was confronting him about but i remember. i tweeted because i didn't know was. going on when it first happened i. tweeted i went. some of these kids need to get shot. because i thought they you know i. thought like this kid was just [ __ ]. with this old indian guy like why you. [ __ ] with this native american dude he. didn't do anything to you. he didn't do it i didn't care that the. kid had a maga hat or he was at the. march for life i mean whatever i don't. good good for you. if you don't believe in abortion good.

for you you know. uh whatever you know. but i do i believe in abortion. extortion all the oceans. um we're being silly today folks we. can't we can't. it can't be serious all the time okay we. can't do three hours about judge salas. and the mossad every day. i mean it just can't i just can't handle. it i don't i can't handle it i don't. know what to tell you. yes everybody's going to kill you sorry.

moving on koval's gonna kill you. everything's gonna kill you goodbye. next you know so this kid. i thought he [ __ ] up so i said maybe. some of these kids tuned to get you a. shot. i like to throw a little pro school. shooting one in there if i can and i so. i tweeted that and then the next day i. had to delete that because i started. watching the footage and i'm like. oh this kid didn't do anything [ __ ]. wrong and. we're being sold a bill of goods a la. jesse smollette whatever by the media. they have an ideological. point to make they don't care about the. facts most normal people agreed with.

that right. but then the looney tunes and the people. in my business and. you know the people that just exist uh. in a complete state of being divorced. from reality for their entire lives. which is kind of amazing when you think. about. a lot of people in my business have. never met reality they got famous at. like 19. they've had money forever they don't. even understand like they don't. understand how grocery stores work they. don't even stand out like food. comes in and goes in a packet they have. no clue they just open the refrigerator. everything's new and it's colorful and. they bite it. they don't understand the world they.

just think when they leave their front. door. there's just people getting stepped on. all the time and and. and they're not being stepped up by the. entertainment industry it's like oil. tycoons and uh bankers and [ __ ] them but. they think those are the only people. that are doing anything wrong. and that uh you know everybody in media. and entertainment is is uh lovely. so these people refuse to really reverse. course they kind of double down they're. like well this guy's the white guy the. maga hat. he knows what it is that's the pro-life.

march you want to control women's by. and then you know people were coming out. kathy griffin among. amongst others were like dox this kid. put his fa now if you don't know what. happens when you get docs it's really. [ __ ] up. okay when you get doxxed your. information's out there you get loads of. threats. loads of threats i do you know how many. threats i get. because since i've been doc i have. people go call your mother. call this family stop talking about our. family. why do you talk about our family why do.

you try to destroy the relationships. that we have these are. trolls doxxing me pay us back money you. owe. your license is suspended you bought a. house for eight hundred thousand dollars. and didn't pay it back. uh i'm getting mail the government wants. to know where you are. so these trolls dox you i'm happy for. the first time in my life why are you. trying to destroy my marriage. stop talking about me on your [ __ ]. internet show. all of these trolls docks you constantly.

constantly dox you they go after you. they go out they even pretend to be your. family. one of them pretended to did one of the. voice things you know the thing they did. to rogan where it's like. literally they can recreate your voice. i've had. family members voices recreated called. me on the phone crying asked me to stop. talking about him on the show. so that's how sick these people are okay. i didn't want that to happen to this kid. when you're 15 or 16 you do stupid. things i did cocaine this kid went to a. pro-life march.

everybody [ __ ] up you know this kid. believes. that if we just denied uh federal. funding or whatever to abortion. the world would be better i believed if. i put cocaine up my nose i'd be happy i. was more right than him. but it doesn't matter everybody believes. things in their teen years that don't. work out. he believes in god i believed in a guy. named hector who used to give us cocaine. and then fought and left one day didn't. even tell anybody where he was going. not nice not right but the point is and.

he left it we gave him money for cocaine. he didn't get it he left he. didn't just gone he's gone now he's gone. forever thank you and i'll take my eight. ball when you return sir. sir nicholas uh sanderman what's his. name sandman. sandman he followed me on twitter i dm i. said good job no he doesn't follow me i. follow him. follow me back follow me back now i'll. find a way to get all this money from. you. i'll find a way to take all the money. you follow me back you respect me and. you begin to retweet me. pig so.

uh nicholas salmon they're trying to. doxx the kid when you're 15. the it's just terrifying you're now the. entire media is getting ready to ruin. your life. okay imagine if like the doxing existed. when i did like. uh tim dillon is doing cocaine again. in the projects with his friend uh. they're now stealing money from his. friend's sister. and they're now stealing money from. tim's mother again. they are purchasing more cocaine from a.

guy named buckshot. who they are meeting at the railroad. station. are going to lay down in their beds. coming down off cocaine. furiously masturbating what a disgusting. thought. they must be doxxed they must be. publicly shamed for this type of. behavior. it's very bad the next day they will eat. barbecue chicken pizza with reckless. abandon. they'll fill their stomachs with it and. real barbecue not this.

[ __ ] california kind open pit. barbecue sauce does anybody know. oh let's talk for a minute about open. pit please. because we're going to get back to. nicholas has more money than god in a. minute. i would let that nathan phelps i let a. whole indian tribe. beat and rape me for. thousand dollars and this [ __ ]. do you think by the way they look at. this like the white man beat them again. you know nathan phelps and his tribe has. no respect now. they're like oh good you had to beat a. drum in someone's face now they got 300.

million. good for now we're just giving him the. land nathan now we're just giving it to. him. how about you keep your drum circle to. yourself. open pit google it get it up now open. pit. i mean he just if you don't instruct him. what to do it's like. it's like you're dealing with a. catatonic here. i wake up i just want to play golf. i'm going to one day i'm going to come. right when he's golfing andrew santino.

i'm going to run on the course with a. golf club and beat them to death. okay i'll beat him to death while andrew. santino does the commentary hopefully. tony inch goes there too. tony can do commentary wow you're. getting beaten by. let me tell you about open pit okay open. pit. is a reddish brown barbecue. sauce open pit's blue label so. this is not an ad but i'm i'm telling.

you what i like open pits blue label. sauce is unique flavor that people enjoy. right out of the bottle. here's why i like it it tastes metallic. it tastes. when you heat it up when you heat open. pit up it. it becomes something that's like tasting. it is a sausage you put in your mouth it. is the. the de facto steak tidbit. sauce on long island the long island. official sandwich is the bacon egg and. cheese. yes or yes yes what is the official. lunch. dinner sandwich of long island.

i just said it on the show the fish the. lunch sandwich. well the breakfast sandwich is the bacon. egg and cheese. yes what is the lunch. steak tidbits you put the steak on the. garlic bread and you chop it up you put. the melted mozzarella cheese on top and. you brown it. so that and then you chop it up so it's. a little tidbit. in your mouth and what do you do with. the tidbit before you eat it.

you put it in the in the [ __ ] open. pit. barbecue sauce and sometimes they heat. it up and it's reddish brown and it. it curls your mouth it's like what the. [ __ ]. it is a metallic nasty. brackish just but it's it's my. and and my pizzeria in my town jax which. was busted for selling cocaine. used to call up and they would send you. a white pie we've done this on the. patreon i'm not gonna i'm not repeating. don't repeat every time have a different.

thing to say. don't ever repeat anything else. don't ever repeat. so uh this this. this pizzeria would make the barbecue. chicken pizza with. breaded chicken cutlets chopped up they. toss them with open pit barbecue sauce. they throw them on top of a regular. pizza and then throw some mozzarella. cheese on top of that and it was [ __ ]. phenomenal so get in touch with open pit. if you really want to get a taste of the. east coast do steak tidbits.

with open pit barbecue sauce. and some fat steak fries which are not. really that good but that's kind of the. fry. that goes with that sandwich is kind of. a fat steak fry. that is not that good but the steak. fries thick and it makes you feel the. pain of the irish. while you eat it um. you don't get this on the west coast. open pit it's primarily in new york so. nicholas sam has now got 250 million. dollars i hope this kid just [ __ ]. wilds out i mean we don't know if he's.

got 250. he might walk away with 100 mil with all. these different lawsuits he's going to. twitter he's going at the new york times. right yeah he might get a hundred mill. sure yeah. nice and how old is he i think he's 17. 17 with a hundred sticks. respect what has he got well. he's 18. he just turned 18. it said it. on twitter okay. so ladies you better pop that [ __ ]. like this these are christians you.

better be careful maybe make up a. chicken pot pie and. sing about christ whatever you can you. want to get you want to get close to. that dude. he's going to have a lot of bread a lot. of cheddar what's the new one for money. was it guap for a while people said guap. i don't think they say guap anymore. greenbacks greenbacks what are you. nuts it's from like 94. i love cereal but i also love health. let's be honest there's nothing more.

important to me than my health and. cereal. i love a nice fresh start in the morning. do you like a nice fresh start love it. i like to get up eat a nice cereal get. up run 10. 15 miles and then start my day. um by going going to the gym after i run. and then taking a swim and i swim in a. lake i have a lake house. and then as as i'm done with that i i. say mass. because i'm a a deacon when i say mass i. don't give communion i don't have that. power. i say mass and then i and then i pray to.

allah. because i'm muslim as well i'm jewish. i'm all of the religions so i have a. religious ceremony for all of those. religions. after my workout and i love magic spoon. cereal because it's a company that has. zero sugar 12 grams of protein and three. neck grams of carbs. in each serving it tastes too good to be. true we all know we'll have cravings. sugar cravings or sugar cereals we ate. when we were a kid. they market them to children that's why. they put them on the the lower level at. the store. because you're on the eyeline with the. kids that's how sick these madison. avenue. advertising [ __ ] are but it's effective.

and we all remember these from when we. were a kid. but what you can remember now is. magicspoon.com tim dillon because what. if i told you i could give you that. exact cereal. with zero sugar 12 grams of protein and. only three net grams of carbs okay. sugar is a very insular genic food. okay and that is not good it causes. inflammation. it drives the insulin up and down and. all over the place you know but you need. you want steady steady wins the race. so what you do is you eat magic spoons.

here there's many people that are. committed to losing weight but can't. stop eating sugary cereals. many people that are like i'm gonna lose. weight but i need to eat cocoa pebbles. there's got to be four of those people. that are really committed to losing. weight but they also. but in all seriousness these are great. snacks. if you have a snack. and you are really really into it. um you know it's it it helps you through.

the day. you go oh that's nice that tastes like. sugar even though it's not you're. tricking yourself. and what's then happening is you're. enabling yourself to stay on your path. stay in ketosis stay in paleo stay in. low carb i don't know if this is. probably not paleo who cares. it's all fake except magic spoon magic. spoon is so confident and their product. is packed by 100 happiness guarantee. so if you don't like it for any reason. they'll refund your money no questions. asked nobody wants a refund on this. stuff it's really good they send it to. me all the time. we eat it it's great my favorite flavor.

is the fruity flavor. it tastes exactly like fruit loops which. were a great cereal. from when i was a child you could get it. in cocoa fruity frosted or blueberry. blueberries really fun you put some. bananas some strawberries in there. all of a sudden you're like what. happened to me what happened to me. so go to magicspoon.com tim dillon to. grab a variety pack try today if you. need to if you want a diet. or if you want to just give your kids a. healthier alternative or yourself a. healthier alternative you enjoy my. podcast. you like this show go to magicspoon.com.

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remember tv before everybody was hot. made a lot of sense. now it's like i'm a hot young millennial. and i drive a cab no you don't. expressvpn.com tim dillon. t-i-m-d-i-l-o-n you get an extra three. months. is this serious yeah i'm gonna kill my. mother express uh. vpn for free. three months 90 days not a payment.

just free on the arm living on the dole. amazing donkey thank you. i'm joining the hype house i've been. asked been asked to join the high pass. tick tock. um that is the future folks tick tock. um whether it is that app but it that.

lip syncing will be the future you know. all the artists that you will like. will just be good-looking people who. mouth the words of someone else. it couldn't get more dystopian and yet. somehow it will. uh i watched whitney houston on. letterman you know one of her first. appearances i think her first appearance. on the letterman. and you were amazed at one time there. was literal talent in the world there. was. there existed a thing called talent and. people that had it would walk on a stage.

and entertain people that didn't have it. didn't have it in that degree. and those people would be happy that. there was a talented person they. wouldn't be angry and mad and full of. rage and vengeful. and they wouldn't go home and say i. could [ __ ] do that this stupid [ __ ]. they would appreciate uh something that. they couldn't have like i was talking to. whitney the other day and she's like you. know i saw robin williams. on stage robin williams was so like not. in control of his own talent like. his talent was controlling him i'm like. right that's called talent. okay it's called talent when someone has.

a god-given. talent or something that makes you go. wow this is [ __ ] unique and different. it's like. coming from some otherworldly place like. you can't see the receipts. well a lot of these comics now you see. the receipts you can tell how hard they. work you can feel their ambition. i never want you to feel that with me. we're broadcasting from a [ __ ] room. right now. you know i mean this is this is all fake. but some of these comics you could tell. how bad they wanted you could taste. the joke construction the dead they.

could tell how much they. suck in real life you could tell how how. a lunch with them would be the most. heinous experience of your life you can. feel it. you can feel how miserable they are the. second they walk off a [ __ ] stage. and you never felt that way with robin. williams people like that yes he stole. jokes and that's not good i don't know. what he did or what he didn't do. but let's be honest the guy was a super. human. force of just raw talent we don't see. that anymore.

it's very hard it's very hard to really. grasp. the the the difference now that that. this woman on tick tock who's mouthing. the words of president trump. is being called a genius by people. that's a big we've made a big jump here. and no no particular shade to her or her. hustle. but we've made a pretty large jump from. whitney houston to billy eilish. no disrespect to her i don't want to get. you know i don't want to run a foul or. whatever. group she's in they could end me.

but my point is that open pit. barbecue sauce is the official sauce. of the tim dillon show and we're not. being paid to say that. okay and this is why joe has left l.a. because they can't handle that i'm. setting the trends now they don't want. to handle it. sorry no more alpha brain.

pit. let's take a look at portland they're. losing their minds over there. we got dhs agents getting people. picking people up federal agents it's a. war zone and what. goes on can someone explain what goes on. in portland to me. i mean it's predominantly white people. it's a predominantly liberal city.

and yet every day is is a riot i mean. these people are j. and the problem is and we've talked. about this. when you're an adult you don't talk. about what you want to happen. you you talk about what will happen. people make. millions and billions of dollars just. figuring out. how the market will behave what will. happen what are the likelihood. of this sequence of events happening. versus. that sequence of events happening so i. could. i could write a list for example of 10.

things 10 ways i want the government to. function. i say i want this i want that i want i. could write a laundry list of demands. and then say and i want everyone to go. out right and burn everything down until. all of those demands are met. the reason i don't do that is because. i'm not criminally insane. because that's a criminally insane. position to just say we're going to. destroy and defile. everything until these demands are met. until. everybody that opposes us resigns and. we abolish everybody that stands in our.

way this. is not how you can do things here's one. reason why. because on the other side of it you have. a very large well-funded. uh national security apparatus. of state and federal forces that are. armed. and well-funded that you're going to. have to get rid of before you can enact. whatever version. of crazy you're planning on running the. country with.

and that's probably not going to happen. i mean look how long chas. was around it was a few weeks they ended. up shooting it kept the people getting. shot. they replicated the worst parts of our. society like a police force. these things don't work what works not. much works. that's the other thing so that's. frustrating because i'm not going to. tell you that. everything will be okay if you just. participate in electoral politics i. think things will get better. i don't think you have much of a choice. unless you're willing to just. head into war every day all day.

but electoral politics on the local. level seems to bear. more fruit than many many times on the. national level because there are so many. compromises. by the time you get to the national. level but i'm not going to tell you that. electoral politics is going to make. everything better. a lot of people will a lot of people say. just vote them out if you don't like. them. may not work but that doesn't mean that. smashing the windows of the amazon store. in seattle. is going to enact the type of social. change you want.

i also think how much of this is. apolitical do these people really. have political aims that are in the. street in seattle. i mean they're saying like stop trans. murder but that's not happening i mean. when you look at who's killing trans. people it's people they're in. relationships with. trans people have a higher incidence of. being in sex work yes is some of that. from discrimination. absolutely but the idea that there's a. group of people hunting trans people in. america is untrue. it's just not borne out by the facts. it's not statistics so when you hold up.

that sign. and say en trans murder you're saying. end the thing. i don't i don't murder trans people. i don't vote for candidates who suggest. murdering trans people's good. i wouldn't consider it even if they. agreed with everything else. even if they said well i use open pit. sauce and i love that. but then they said but we got to murder. trans people i go no i wouldn't. pull ever for that person so if i'm not. doing it i'm not supporting candidates. who are doing it well. are you supporting a culture that allows.

it to happen well we're going to have to. talk about what you mean by that. do i think jokes enable people to do i. think anybody who's going to kill a. trans person has ever been motivated by. a joke. no do i think any of them have ever been. given a license to commit a violent act. by a joke. no there's nobody on the fence about. committing a hate crime. that here's a joke and goes now i can do. it. that's not to say that all jokes are. appropriate all the time. that's not to say that jokes and humor. can't evolve.

audiences tell you what is and isn't. appropriate and you have to work with. where the audience is at any given time. you can be above the audience you could. try to drag him to a higher plane. that's great that's fine i have like one. or two jokes about trans people and. you're not at all about trans people it. was one joke. about a trans navy seal i said that's. got to be a fascinating person. a kid that grew up and was like if i'm. certain of one thing it said i'm a. killer. you know i don't know what bathroom i'm. gonna leave when i walk out i'm gonna. murder somebody. that i i've gotten booze in red state. crowds.

on that joke because they don't think. that navy seals murder people they're. like wait a minute. what are you saying and i'm like well. that they're. kill you know they're killers that's. that's the cool thing about them right. not that they can swim. so most and then some blue crowds don't. get it because they're like wait what. but if you listen to the joke. usually most people get it everybody. should get it it's nothing to do. with trans people but so when you're. walking in a protest and you have these. signs like end.

this thing that you don't control. and isn't really happening on the level. you think it is. if you want to take some police funding. and and fund social services with it. and you say that the police don't need. all these [ __ ] tanks and and machine. guns and all that [ __ ]. i mean after these few months that's not. the easiest argument to make but i. agree with you i would say let's. demilitarize them. let's give some of that money to social. services most people would agree with.

you. but the people marching around portland. burning things down. don't have an agenda that makes. any real sense. it's not political it's i hate this. country. and i want it to change which is fine. i'm with you. in in a lot of respects not really been. hating it but about going. it's immoral it's a criminal state it's. a mafia state. i've said all of that i believe it i. think we protect and shelter some of the.

worst people in the world. how that gets changed i don't know. i'm willing to and thank god i don't. have to know i'm a comedian but i'm. pretty sure it's not going to be. grabbing an ipad in seattle and running. away it's. it's maybe electoral politics on the. state and local level it might be. changing your habits. changing the things you buy the. companies you support i don't know i. mean. i'm willing to listen to a lot of. different people that are a lot smarter. than me. but most people don't want to live in a. world that's 24 7 chaos they just don't.

i don't want to do. it most people don't want to do it so. the idea that that the people in. portland. every day they've been just setting. things on fire and smashing with her. every [ __ ] day and don't tell me they. haven't because i've watched these. [ __ ] things with my own two eyes and. it's always like a qualifier by the way. it's always a qualifier. when you show somebody video they're. like that guy their lighting on fire was. in their face. they go they're protesting in an area of. the city that's not even crowded it's.

like well of course it's crowded why. would they do it otherwise. and then people go uh yeah wow they're. protesting areas it's not even. that's nothing's even going on and i'm. like well then why would they do it. right it's a lot you're illogical. that guy that they're stomping out in. the middle of the street. gave one of them a look he misgendered. someone so they had to beat the [ __ ] out. of him. they took that stop sign and they shoved. it up his ass and they. did that because he was trying to video.

them and give it to the feds. i just don't understand um. what these people think is gonna happen. i don't understand i i read their. twitters. i i read what they say communism will. win it's not gonna win. it's probably not gonna win and if it. wins what do you think that means you. think everyone gets. care if communism wins you think that's. you think that's the main goal of. everybody in the street right now. burning things down beating each other.

up is the health of others. is that what you really believe do you. really believe that they're concerned. about people's health. how many of them have done any. meaningful volunteer work in their. entire lives. how many of these people that are on the. street right now just you know consume. with rage have ever done anything. to help anybody on a person-to-person. individual level it's a fair question. is it a high percentage of them i don't. think so. i could be wrong you know.

i just think that electoral politics is. not perfect it may not work i don't see. any other. i don't see anything other than any. other strategy that doesn't deliver us. into a police state overnight eventually. i think this delivers us into a police. state 100 percent. i think this along with covid this is. the perfect storm of factors. that will eventually push people over. the edge they will accept government. interventions. in larger and larger um.

you know uh you know they'll accept. an intervention of the government in. larger and larger numbers until. you know you're living in an occupied. city. and i don't think that's what we want. right and i think on the flip side we. also don't want. like the government being run by. lunatics that are running around in. portland with green hair. and burning themselves you know throwing. molotov cocktails at buildings. and they don't seem to have any.

understanding of history or where that. leads. where that goes by the way saying that. european. colonists are the only people that have. ever done anything wrong in history. and ignoring every other power dynamic. that's ever existed. that included slavery that included uh. you know war that included uh barbarism. saying all of that. only mattered in in the post-colonial. era. uh and it was when it was the british. when it was white people and that all of. the problems in the world are direct.

uh results of the actions of white guys. and then saying okay but i'd like to. lead now it's like most people go wait a. minute where does this go. where does this go just nominate. michelle obama and. andrew cuomo uh the meatball king i will. vote for those two. the obamas are the best you're gonna do. leftist they're you're not getting bits. not gonna get better than them you got. trump now i don't know and then you're. gonna get. biden who's dead so this idea like yes.

obama did bad things obama yeah war. criminal blah blah blah blah blah blah. yeah agree with you you're not probably. gonna do much better good luck. you're not gonna do much better i'm. telling you him 35. many of you are children when i'm 55. i'm gonna be making these same points. hopefully not to you [ __ ] losers. hopefully somewhere else getting real. [ __ ] money we do fine. but i'm saying that you start to realize. the country you're living in.

okay you got to understand the country. you're living in the best you can do. is michelle obama she comes out in a. dashiki. and [ __ ] singing [ __ ] motown [ __ ]. and then meatball comes out behind her. and everybody's like okay it's meatball. like nobody even calls him call me but. it gets me ball. and he comes out and his [ __ ]. brother's there and they're just doing. you know double claps double claps and. michelle obama and brock come out just. just smooth motown [ __ ] this is not. racist smooth motown [ __ ] like we.

were like we gonna change the country. and everybody's rolling in and then. meatball meatball and his brother are. dressed like two meatballs. and they're in these socially distanced. meatball costumes so they can't. then they just stop up and bumping into. each other and then. the obamas kind of leave the stage and. then meatball comes out with. his brother uh chris cuomo did not have. coronavirus liar. and they both come out and they both. basically do just like uh. like when the moon hits your eye. like a big pizza pie it's it's the.

cuomo's. and then all the dumb union people and. the crowd and democratic people are all. swaying. and then f i mean this is what needs to. [ __ ] happen you know and then you let. antifa do a dance at the end. you let antifa come out do like a flash. riot like. like boom the lights go off and there's. some [ __ ] explosions and. and then they do like a laugh riot and. then like sanders comes out at the end. and they just start. [ __ ] breaking down crazy old school. [ __ ].

like bebop like it's all white kids but. they have boom boxes they're doing black. 80s [ __ ] you're like. this is weird but it's antifa so you let. it go and then they're just kind of. [ __ ] going. and they're going really [ __ ] hard. and there's lights are exploding and. it's black and they're like dude it's. like thriller. but you know it's like a weird [ __ ]. version of it with just you know. fat non-binary purple haired [ __ ]. they're not zombies but they're you know. and then the wall of moms comes out and. chelsea handles out and she said tits. around. and she's like yeah look at my [ __ ] and.

chris cuomo goes. he goes to eat her [ __ ] and then she. shits on his face. and the obamas stand up and they start. clapping and then hillary comes out it's. the big finale. hillary comes out with just lane and. jeffrey and they start [ __ ] tap. dancing like [ __ ] psychopath. like save you on glover bringing the. noise bringing the function tap chance. get the cuomo's with the tomato sauce. the obamas are fight the smoke machine. comes in there's purple smoke they're. doing a [ __ ] prince number now barack. and michelle come down. and then antifa's flash mob at it. sanders is out hillary and jizz lane and.

jeffrey. and then all of them together sing we. are the world. we are the children. i'll vote for that i'll vote for that. okay because it shows initiative. and vision. the only thing i like about myself is my. hair and i'm gonna tell you right now. two out of three guys will experience. some form of male pattern baldness by. the time they're 35.

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i don't even i would just run through a. mall i don't even want to say what i. would do. but it would be bad baby it'd be bad. i mean i'm talking about the front of. every newspaper. internationally they would be crying. in riyadh saudi arabia when they hear. when they heard what i did if i lost my. hair. i mean they would be in lamonde in paris. to spiegel in germany every paper. uh the most ruthless people in the. entire world whoever they are there'd be. some terrorists in a cave would be like. man this [ __ ] did what we'd.

always hope to do and it's just because. he lost his hair that's how. that's how attached i am to the hair. look at the hair. so important it's uneated. and if i lost it man i would just i mean. i'd be opening chest cavities so with i. mean. i don't even i don't want to go into it. i don't want to go into it. keeps.com tim dillon k-e-e-p-s.

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000 cases of covert and the economy has. just exploded. he's like today we're making sauce with. dominic on instagram life. you want to learn how to make ravioli. hey i know you're homeless and everybody. around you is dead. you want to learn how to make a. okay what are you doing over there. what are you doing you want to make a. little bit of frizzy kitty. i know everybody's dead what do you want.

me to do. you like alex rodriguez and jeffrey. lopez they're coming over tonight we're. gonna make america up. they got a lot of money so we're not. really upset about the economy. paul what really what i get upset about. is when the pasta is not out then. so jennifer lopez is coming over and i'm. going to teach her how to make alternate. pasta. because you know her culture they eat a. lot of cheap meats on the street.

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you tell them duncan. i don't even read the cases anymore. they're like uh there's 90 uh million. cases. of coronavirus reported in your house. like it gets closer to you every day. they're like in your uh. on your street everyone is dead. of covet 19. there are 70 000 cases. uh in your family and your family has. 65 000 cases right now of covert 19.

uh nobody knows who's dying why they're. dying where they're going i don't i. can't even i don't even know. it's a show that you can't watch anymore. it's gotten too complicated. i don't know why fouchy's throwing. [ __ ] wild balls. and not in a lab with a coat on i don't. know why somebody decided he needs to be. on every podcast in america. why he needs to do every press. appearance i don't know what that makes. no one feel comfortable that this. [ __ ] old [ __ ] can't even throw a. [ __ ] ball. and this is the guy that's gonna save. everybody's [ __ ] life can anyone fill. me in on on who decided that made set.

didn't anyone check that he could throw. a [ __ ] ball before they trotted him. out on the field. that's crazy but i can't even it's a. show i can. barely watch anymore you know where you. tune into it. and you go i can't wait what. what is the symptoms now my finger hurts. so if my finger hurts and i have no. other symptoms i can die. and there's nine million cases.

where on a ship. that no one's been on no one's. no one's on the ship there's nine. million cases. there's nine million vials of covet. being shipped here. the chinese are doing what. ventilators respirators. surfaces uv light what. you got you got to just stop you got to.

say to yourself i just can't anymore. i don't understand i don't know where it. goes i just say to myself. when it when it lightens up someone will. let me know i'm sure the media will let. us know it might be november 9th by the. way. november 9th they might be like no there. are no cases of coffee. that is a possibility they go there are. no there's no new cases of covet that's. very interesting we. okay and maybe not i get it's real it's. bad it's deadly i'm not going near. anybody you know. um it's a [ __ ] vicious bug stay the.

[ __ ] away from people stay home protect. yourself. you don't know what's going on after you. don't know why we got this we're gonna. know in five years. it's gonna be books written in years. about how this whole thing was a chinese. thing or whatever. or it wasn't it was a u.s joint u.s. china joint thing we're not above that. either we're [ __ ] both researching. and thinking bro. you got out of there sister we don't. listen we're not gonna know for years. but when you know you're gonna go [ __ ]. right and this is this is gonna make. sense. it just doesn't make sense right now. because kennedy assassination with.

oswald ruby. bullets here third this what cubans. mafia. grassy knoll huh why. but years from now we'll look back and. you'll go oh. this is what we didn't understand about. it this is what we should have. understand. these are the things that they knew and. didn't tell us. that'll be a big one what are the things. that they know and we don't know yet. that'll be a big one. 100 but i will get out there on the road. live again when we can.

you know maybe nicholas salmon just. [ __ ] throws me some cash we start a. [ __ ] podcast network. i'll bring the sandman right on here. just let him go. what if he is like really racist. wouldn't that be hilarious if he gets. all this money. and then he like gets up and he does. start saying crazy [ __ ] and we're like. whoa dude calm down. he's like now that i have 80 million. dollars i want to let you know i will do. nothing but dedicate myself. to the preservation of the white people. we're like whoa [ __ ]. they were right kathy griffin was right.

no. i mean stranger things have happened i. think it would just be funny. just be funny that's all sometimes you. just need to laugh there are 97 new. cases of covet that'll be in a few years. it'll just be strange it'll be like. doctors found 19 new strains of covet. on a shoe and you'll be like next next. i don't care anymore uh scientists now.

uh recommend breathing deeply and. killing yourself. to reduce exposure to covert. be like staring at the tv the scientists. have now recommended. killing yourself at the first sign of a. covent symptom. and letting your job be done by a robot. scientists believe the best way to. combat robot is to automate the. workforce immediately. scientists suggest locking your doors. and not going outside.

for the rest of your time here on earth. i don't know the robots are coming man. and once they're here i mean we won't. even be talking they won't even be. telling people that when the robots are. ready when they can replace all of us. with robots they're going to be like. go out party on. lake havasu party party on the lake. once they have robots willing to do all. these jobs they'll just be like hey guys. party on. party on the lake let's get rid of a few. party time applebee's is open and it's.

free. oh yeah it's free get in there all you. can eat free. for a week all the restaurants are free. get in there stuff some mozzarella. sticks and you will see what happens. no no no no don't even worry about. coming into work we're trying out a. robot in your position. yeah scientists have now decided the. best way to fight coven is to go out to. your local applebees for free all you. can eat. you know scientists have now decided the.

best way to fight covert is an. underground bed. that the government is testing out just. laying this underground. bed it's about six feet under the ground. and what's good about that. is when you're laying in it all the. covet stays on the surface. so just lay in there and we're gonna. we're gonna close it and you just rest. you just rest. yeah but i don't understand why they. don't just do them on obama. i mean yeah okay you didn't vote for. them it doesn't matter anyway no one.

thinks democracy is real. bring out michelle bring out cuomo be. dope as [ __ ] done. done and done i'll just vote for them. just because i'm [ __ ]. bored we can't live like this forever. i made this point on theo's show if the. ceo of a company if half the company. thought the ceo is trying to kill them. whether they were right or not you'd. have to get another ceo. it's just a fact especially if the ceo. played little jokes on them like he was. trying to kill them. like if he was taking the elevator up. and he's like don't drink the water. and then the door is closed everyone's. like see and then the people that.

supported him the company were like he. just does that. that's just what he does the elevator. door opens up again he's like. gotcha they're like wha what see. he is trying to and they go no notice. he's a joker. he just likes having fun with you you. would need to change course you need to. get a new ceo of the company pretty. quickly. you would you'd need to get somebody who. didn't inflame. uh half of the country with a v i mean. i don't believe in any ideas very few.

ideas. do i believe in strongly enough to. tolerate what's going on right now. whether i wanted high or low tax i mean. truly. what's going on right now like imagine. like like the chaos that's on the. streets right now and then there are. people that are trying but they're like. but what about. trade i'm like. but what about trade. but i agree with the. but allow me to make a point about.

personal responsive. it's time to change course that's all. the guy. trump is not to be understood as evil or. good he's not hitler and he's not a. universal good. here's what trump is and this is the. much more interesting story in a story. that i. love because these people kind of. fascinate me trump is the most. successful con artist in the history. of civilization there is nobody nobody. that can hold a candle really to donald.

trump in terms of. being a con artist he has leveraged. himself he has marketed himself. in a way where he has held many. positions not the least of which the. president the leader of the free world. that he wasn't qualified to hold but he. did it the old-fashioned way not by. really working hard and being determined. but by conning people running a scam. being a grifter being good at it. you know greasing palms doing his own. thing kissing babies except he didn't. really kiss babies he didn't really. grease bombs. he did it entirely other he hypnotized.

people with his words if you listen to. him. he has this hypnotic thing and he puts. people into trance and he. you know he's an amazing fighter when. he's great on the ropes and he knows how. to just destroy people and roast them. and he. gives them nicknames and he boils. everything down to a very simplistic. uh playgrounds type of politics it's. very fulfilling because we're all. animals with lizard brains. and when he goes sleepy this sleepy joe. creepy dead. this and that he's just pointing around. a schoolyard he's pointing at a.

schoolyard. okay and and and that's fun. that's fun until there's a school. shooting. when there's a school shooting and. people run around a school with with. guns. and the same kid that's going fat tommy. dirty chris you go dude we got a gut. there there's a school shooting right. now you're. shooting up the school look at look at. [ __ ] sarah over there in the sandbox. whatever you go dude that's not working.

really right now we need some other way. doesn't mean the biden's going to be. much better he's probably not there. isn't going to be a much better by the. way. you know it's it's like it's like taco. bell and del taco. i'll make this point this is how i'll. end it del taco has better ingredients. it's probably got better food. but what del daco doesn't have is any. magic there's nothing magical about it. so they end up creating less iconic. moments.

less transcendent tastes you know the. cheesy gordita crunch these. these amazing burritos that they come up. with every month at taco bell. uh these things are iconic they're. they're transcended they take you. somewhere else they make you think about. your childhood. there's something about taco bell. they've created a world around taco. bell it means more than food. del taco has not done that. okay but they're. both like disgusting.

do you see what i mean they're both like. food that someone found on a floor. that goes into your body and then you. [ __ ] it out. like you ate a parasite in brazil. so my point is whether you go with the. iconic. transcendent marketing. or you go with the better ingredients. this country is still a drive-through. the line is way too long. everybody serving you is high you are.

high. there's cops waiting to nab you as soon. as as soon as you get right on that. [ __ ] parkway. and if you make it back to your home. your wife is fat. she hates you and she's trying to kill. you none of that is gonna change. no matter which drive-through you pull. in so i would suggest that you just eat. your fill. eat up and at least you won't go home. hungry.