#200 - Knife Fights In Malibu | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the Tim. Dylan shyam sunburned again and I have. aloe vera on my face now so I look shiny. and red and you can ridicule that if. you'd like but I got that sunburn in a. least a seven million dollar home who's. a stunning estate and many of you uh. let's just put it this way it wasn't. your average lake house okay I know you. out there well it's just it's the same. Beach it ain't it truly ain't.

LAPD now testing wants to test everyone. for coronavirus that they arrest so if. you cannot get a corona virus test in. Los Angeles commit a crime commit a. crime and you'll be taken care of. no problem we've got our magic spoon for. our 200th episode we'll be treating. ourselves to some magic spoon cereal. with zero grams of sugar three net carbs. 11 grams of protein and of course some.

almond milk you know it's we're not. gonna talk about them because you don't. [ __ ] give us anything [ __ ] them. that's what it is out here um my dad. we're gonna get into this later on in. the episode but my father sent me a I. don't know what you would call it it's. just the it's the rules there's one. restaurant in Long Island I don't know. if he's been there I'm sure he like said. he you know I'm sure he's been there and.

likes it but he sent me a you know it's. on their website the rules of how. they're gonna reopen their restaurant. and it's kind of crazy all of the things. that they're going to have to do just to. get any type of crowd back in the. restaurant and I don't know why it's not. coming up there comes up on my phone.

I'll get my dad saying it comes up. immediately on the phone I might just. not be coming up there. no one's gonna go out to eat this is. what we're really gonna would. it's coming down to when you when we go. through all the rules that I mean did no. one I love going out to eat it's no one. loves it that much that you're gonna sit. there and then people are gonna come out. and beekeeper outfits and then hand you.

a butter and then there's gonna be a. ball of hand sanitizer and there's not. gonna be any tablecloth so they're gonna. be wiping down the table hey it's gonna. be a car wash who the hell wants to eat. in a [ __ ] car wash where everything. what are you smiling about I'm reading. the rules the rules are in saya read. some of the rules these are some of the. rules for this Italian restaurant in. Long Island to just to just get back to. serving any kind of food inside all.

right. reopening guidelines all employees will. wear gloves and mask during service. until recommended by the CDC or in New. York State fun so let's just picture. that you're at a table you're at a table. in the restaurant in Long Island by the. way half of these people aren't. following the rules they're gonna take. the match they'll be like you know this. is [ __ ] the whole thing is fake but. Obama what you know Obama created this. to make a [ __ ] us wear masks yeah so. I gotta [ __ ] wear this [ __ ].

hand sanitizer will be readily available. to guests. hand sanitizer will be readily available. and I'm sure Long Island they'll do it. in a very classy way I'm sure there's. gonna be very classy way to get hand. sanitizer to the guests like fountains. of it that are you know lit on fire. there's gonna be like hand sanitizer ice. luge's. in steak houses in Long Island people. just stick in their dirty myths in a.

[ __ ] big bowl of hand sanitizer I'm. sure that I'm sure that's smart masks. and gloves will be provided by the. restaurant please alert management if. there is none great so not only are the. waitstaff in masks and gloves you will. get masks and gloves from the management. so that you can put it on so you can. have gloves and a mask on. while you're eating so that you just. take the mess down and eat and then put.

the mask back up I guess I guess I guess. I guess I don't know I don't know how. well thought thought-out this is all. tables are disinfected before and after. seedings in service hours good so they. cut so they disinfect it right in front. of you like a wool like you know like. you like sitting at Wendy's where they. come up with the spray bottle and then. they wipe it down there's nothing better. than paying $75 for a steak and getting. the table sprayed down in front of you.

by a guy in a mask kitchen will be. sanitized I mean that makes sense well. it won't be but that's anything out of. sight well nothing's happening. especially in Long Island. we're not doing any of this [ __ ] [ __ ] in. the kitchen keep the food coming keep it. hot keep it comin all surfaces are wipes. down disinfected routinely following. cleaning schedule great so just every. surface you see he's gonna get get a.

dirty rag going across it multiple times. a night there's nothing better than. going out for a romantic meal and just. watching people clean God nothing better. than the smell of hand sanitizer and. disinfected which were all [ __ ]. desensitized to now by the way just the. smell of gente oh honey how are you. don't you enjoy that what's that aroma. oh it it's ammonia do you like it it's. the chemical that's gonna kill us and in.

several years worse than the corona. virus well it's this is nine pages long. it's not pet keep going for a little bit. I just want to know a few more of the. things all sanitation is scheduled and. recorded okay health guest health guests. will be asked for contact info for. notification this is what it gets good. keep going with this this is some of my. favorite read this again guests will be. asked for contact info for notifications. of contagion and pledge that they have. not felt any symptoms of Kovan 19 a.

pledge and we all know in Long Island. it's a truthful group of people so they. will show they're also gonna be asked. about their family history. before they get in the restaurant by the. way that's gonna cheer everybody up so I. hate Vinny we hate to do this but you. know anybody too tired of Co yeah my. mother [ __ ] died in a [ __ ] nursing. home I'm trying to [ __ ] forget that. Cuomo let her [ __ ] burning attic she. lit it on fire let the [ __ ] burn this.

[ __ ] let it burn he gives. himself a raise I was trying to forget. about that but coming out here to LA. abbondanza and trying to have [ __ ]. lasagna and now I gotta talk about it. okay this one I don't understand. Matilda's law will be enforced as long. as it remains in effect. okay Matilda's law a lot of people don't. know what Matilda's law is on Long. Island Matilda's law is if if a woman is. enough of a [ __ ] she doesn't have to. follow any of these rules some Matilda's.

law is named after a woman named Matilda. ah. Fabrice ecoan and she was in Italian Jew. and she was the most annoying person. it's ever lived and no matter what the. law is she's such a [ __ ] and she's so. loud that they just let her she's like. I'm not putting on no [ __ ] mask I. don't give a [ __ ] I don't know. so that's Matilda's law they don't I. don't know what Matilda's lawyers okay. so this one I don't know if this holds. up customers over 70 are not allowed to.

dine within our walls or not I love that. customers over 70 which is everyone on. Long Island the youngest person in Long. Island is in their mid 60's everyone. over 70 is not allowed to dine within. our walls how nice is that. seven year-olds can't go to dinner. anymore Wow seventies not that old. either. no it's not 70 years old you can't go to.

dinner now within our walls you can eat. in the parking lot you can eat in the. lot employees will take and record. contactless temperature checks as well. as take health pledge daily the health. pledge yeah I'm sure no one will lie. about that and by the way what if you. have a symptom of Kovan you don't have. Kovan right doesn't this sound inse--. like it it seems like it's a lot and by.

the way if it this is that transmissible. does any is this [ __ ] even help well. max c'mon parties are for maximum. parties of four I like that I do like. that someone's got to go this is gonna. be a renegotiation of all the risks we. take in our life people are gonna be. like how much do we like these people. how much do we want to have dinner with. them how much does this couple need to. be here do we really like that movie do. we really like that comedian do we.

really and I'm here to tell you what. industries are gonna go and what are. gonna stay I'm gonna tell you that okay. because I have a Facebook that's my. qualifications I'm a citizen and I'll. tell you any industry that involves me. he's gonna stay for a little while it's. gonna stay around and I'm not and that. is a conflict of interest but it's the. truth. college is done you [ __ ] at a paid 40.

grand a year to learn where and when you. start vomiting what beers too many what. your tolerance is and sitting around. listening to professors babble who have. no other marketable skills except. talking who are those people can you. imagine that some people these. professors. they do nothing but talk for hours and. it's the only money they make is talking. it's ridiculous and it'll be stopped I.

won't allow it a post covert world will. not allow these bloviating. professors they say anything and the and. and that's all they do is just sit or. stand and talk and I am disgusted with. that archetype of person so they're. gonna have to get real [ __ ] jobs and. figure it out college is done I am sorry. it needs to be remodeled and remade.

into something that prepares people for. actual life it should prepare you for. actually doing something you can't spend. years and years just having weird. threesomes and protesting things you. barely understand and you know sitting. in the library doing adderall it's time. to come into the world come to the. market now see what skills you have we. got to start reforming college and we. will a lot of colleges struggling.

colleges are not gonna make it to this. this is a big scam try to ensure guests. stay separate while waiting to be seated. cracked so if one tip party four comes. in and another party four comes in and. they might want to talk to each other. because they live in the same. neighborhood or know each other they. can't do that somebody's gonna have to. come up to them and go Liz will you two. shut the [ __ ] up and you here's what's. hilarious about this do you know how in.

artfully this is gonna be done on Long. Island. do you have any idea how you know you're. not supposed to [ __ ] talk cut the. [ __ ] talk it out just shut the [ __ ]. up for five minutes we're getting your. tables on a god we don't want to get. shut down by the government I mean do. you know how poorly this will all be. executed. I know they don't make it a day with all. of these regulations there's no way this. even happens in Long Island there's no.

way there's a whole section about mental. health oh you're the whole section about. mental health as you say it is an island. where I would say on Long Island 30. percent of people are mentally ill. mentally unwell 30 percent of them are. mentally unwell the whole section about. mental health we've all heard it if you. can't take the heat then best stay out. of the kitchen but all too often in the. restaurant industry the heat burns on. longer than your shed this mandatory.

pause the service has allowed us to. consider what's already a global issue. and how service mental well-being yeah. mental well-being great the new world. folks. you want a bowl of spaghetti get ready. for an episode of American Ninja Warrior. to get to your table get ready for. hurdles and foam pants and sanitizer and. you know get ready for it it's insane.

but I don't know I just don't know who's. I love going out to dinner it's one of. the things I specialize in I'm very good. at it some people aren't good at it. people we all know the people that are. good at it they don't know what they're. doing they say stupid things when they. sit down at a table they don't you know. you know they peruse the menu too long. they don't get it. they order the wrong thing take them to. a steak house he order breasts of.

chicken we know who these people are. they're just not they're not good at. going out to dinner they haven't put the. time in like I have they've they put the. time in like having a relationship or. earning money starting a family okay. sure have all of that but you get them. out and you go oh yeah you're not fun. they don't have a good story they don't. have a quick anecdote they don't. understand that like they got to wrap it. up before the waitress gets there you. know that there's a rhythm to a dinner. there's a rhythm to a dinner that works.

well and it's just it's gonna be. completely destroyed completely. destroyed with a lot of these guidelines. that are coming in I mean it's just it's. just a death knell to the restaurant. business as we know it it's crazy and I. and this is a business that I'm a I've. always wanted to own a restaurant if I. didn't do this for a living if I wasn't. a comedian I might be in that business I. don't know um I probably wouldn't I'd. probably do in some real estate scam in. southern Florida with the elderly but I.

would still always enjoy restaurants and. it's sad I can't imagine them unless we. have a few months without a case and. people are just like [ __ ] who cares. unless there's a national [ __ ] who. cares unless there's some type of. vaccine unless there's an antiviral drug. that works all of these things seem less. likely you know the vaccine the viral. drug all these things seem. likely I'm not anti vaccine I just want. to know what the [ __ ] going on I just.

want to be I just want to hand the world. over to Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates and. all of these trillionaires billionaires. soon-to-be trillionaire as let them do. whatever they want you see this new. thing on Facebook all these boomers are. sharing it and they're like how did Bill. Gates who's the best man that ever lived. who save more lives he saves lives of. the Congo he saved lives for polio how. did Bill Gates be turned into some. villain by this I love Bill Gates I.

don't care that he wants to shoot a. missile full of dust at the Sun and. block out the Sun who cares it's I hate. the Sun my sis I thought I'd a melanoma. last week it turned out it wasn't it was. just a pile of dirt that collected on my. body and I didn't watch it but I thought. it was cancer I hate the thought I don't. care that Bill Gates. what's the tunnel to the center of the. earths and bring back the dinosaurs he's. a good boy he's the local point to done. good he's just all he does is try to.

help people every day after the. government monopolized date they busted. him on all these Monopoly things he went. into philanthropy and decide he didn't. want to he wants to give his money away. to his charity organizations to give to. you know schools that where his son goes. but and and you know dodge taxes all. over the world by buy a bike you know by. playing [ __ ] come here with the. needle and [ __ ] whatever third-world. country won't kick him out I like Bill. and I don't want to hear anything. negative said about him.

not at all it doesn't matter that he. wants to send nuclear weapons to Mars. and blow it out. just for fun he understands global. warming comes from the Sun get rid of. the [ __ ] Sun get that article I get. Bill Gates wants to shoot dust it to Sun. by the way this is what happens when you. let people get billions of trillions of. dollars and then nobodies you know. that's all he just wants to shoot some.

dust at the Sun here we go. what could go wrong could dimming the. Sun save the earth. Bill Gates wants to spray millions of. tons of dust into the stratosphere to. stop global warming but critics fear it. could trigger calamity [ __ ] these. critics. how dare who are these critics. astronomers scientists who are these. have they not heard of Windows who are. these critics stopping him from shooting.

dust into the [ __ ] into the. atmosphere who is saying it's not a good. idea to block out the Sun why not let. him experiment it's fun why are all. these conspiracy theorists what's their. problem he doesn't want the Sun anymore. he wants to dim the Sun this is not a. crackpot plan of a garden shed inventor. the project is being funded by. billionaire and Microsoft founder Bill. Gates and pioneer by scientists at. Harvard Epstein University keep going.

down here come go out for a minute go. out from it in theory the airborne toss. would create a gigantic Sun Shade. reflecting some of the sun's rays and. heat back into space dimming those that. get through so protecting Earth from the. worsening ravages of climate warming. keep going down here the initial three. million-dollar test known as the. stratospheric controlled Petra bation. experiment would use a high-altitude. scientific balloon to raise around two. kilograms of calcium carbonate dust the.

size of a bag of flour into the. atmosphere twelve miles above the desert. of New Mexico. this would seed a tube shaped area of. the sky about half a mile long a hundred. yards in diameter for the ensuing 24. hours a balloon would be steered by. propellers back through the artificial. cloud its onboard sensors monitoring. this dust Sun reflecting abilities and. its effect on the thin surrounding air. okay however scope acts on is on hold. this is what they're calling it I guess. Kopacz is on hold amid fears it could.

trigger a disastrous series of chain. reactions creating climate havoc in the. form of serious droughts and hurricanes. and bring death to millions of people. around the world I don't want a bad word. about bail how did a man who just wants. to cure disease and get rid of the Sun. get a bad rap. on Facebook all these Yahoo's are making. fun of William I love Bill so what he.

wants Americans to live underground so. that the ravages of global warming don't. stop them he wants to create a slave of. a slave race of Lycans who has white. skin because they're all albinos they. could live underground it's nice under. grams you ever been underground it's. lovely stop it stop telling bill what to. do he's got billions of dollars let him. do what he wants that's where they go. let him do what they want hey let him do. they want half Jeff Bezos wants to.

automate and just destroy grocery stores. and everybody just could have drone if. Apple's dropped off just let him do it. let him do it doesn't matter that's a. millions of people are gonna lose their. jobs who cares doesn't matter let them. let it if they can design a robot let. him do it doesn't matter doesn't matter. doesn't really matter we'll just let. them do whatever they want we don't want. to debate the pace of which people's. jobs are going to evaporate and be taken. over by AI let him do it's get it one of.

the Harvard teams directors Lizzie burns. admits our idea is terrifying but so is. climate change. so is climate change so I want to hear. Bill I don't want to hear bad word about. Bill I can't believe you ninnies would. say anything so he knows he's up to no. good by the way if you ever see his. Facebook gates by the way he knows kind. of up to no good yes he wants to save. people's lives kind of but let's get. real here there's some other things.

percolating and that old dome of his. there's a lot of good with the bad I'm. sure Jeffrey Epstein was nice to. waitresses maybe I don't know what if we. found that I've seen was a big tipper. and he never complained and he never. sent his food back you know I see a. Coulter note and Hitler didn't smoke. like everybody's got a thing that's nice. about them and I'm it's nice that Bill. Gates wants to cure infectious diseases. and then somehow that will also bring. the population of the planet down there. he wants to do that I get it there's too.

many people I'm in LA there's too much. traffic I get it I'm with him but if you. look in his eyes and his doll. he's got some other things going on let. me tell you [ __ ] thank God I don't. have a billion dollars thank God I don't. have a billion dollars I'd be [ __ ] I. mean I wish I were him right now I would. be [ __ ] I would be doing some much. wildest [ __ ] than he is you just got to. watch him you got to watch Bezos you got. to watch these people we know that the.

government is an app the government and. private industry have gotten in bed. together and they've created what were. people like Chris Hedges have called the. corporate state which means it has all. the power of the state and all the and. and and the endless financial resources. and also all the like you know supposed. credibility of the private sector where. we bring in these geniuses incredibly. intelligent we all know like Bill Gates. is not a dumb guy Bezos and all these.

guys are incredibly intelligent people. so we bring them in and then because we. all know people work the government kind. of dunces we all think the government's. you know up until recently when. everybody showed with Obama and Trump. and everyone's like these are gods Obama. obviously smart guy and Trump is. intelligent in his own way but the. reality is we know these geniuses exist. for the most part outside of the. government they exist making billions of. traffic wants to work for the government. when you got heads like these guys have. they want to truly revolutionize the.

world great but when they team up with. the government they're just this. unstoppable force nothing can stop them. truly nothing don't like what you're. right they delete it you don't exist. your own person doesn't matter you're. getting this health policy whether you. like it or not these are the required. things you don't like surveillance will. [ __ ] you you don't like your email read. let's get read FBI can go into your. search history now it doesn't matter FBI. go right in your search history what do. you search you for you search them for. something they don't like okay the FBI's.

like we are we are looking at all of the. searches and we don't mind any we will. be we don't mind anyone searching for. child porn as long as they make a. certain amount of money and they're. searching through our approved partners. but we dude we don't really love if. if you're on some anti-government forum. we don't love that don't propagate any. conspiracy theories don't say anything. mean about Bill's plan to block the Sun. out keep your mouth shut about that just.

put a bag over your head and go to your. local Italian restaurant and get wiped. down with hand sanitizer before you eat. and let bill and the boys do their work. let bill and the boys do their work. stay awake here it's a little crazy out. there. these [ __ ] on Facebook what are you. getting checks of bill Malloy relax. real I know the other side's nuts they.

think everybody in LA is a [ __ ]. trillionaire it's [ __ ] kids and you. know I get how crazy those [ __ ]. people are too and I think Bill Gates is. the Antichrist and everything goes back. to Jesus everything goes back to. Revelations and Jesus and I get it I get. it and they think Donald Trump is you. know got a little hat with a light and. he's going through the tunnels under. Central Park trying to free the kids we. get it we know that that's not the. answer either okay we we understand most. people in this business live in a car by.

the way they're not in they're not in. big mansions [ __ ] kids they're trying. to hoard themselves out they have their. [ __ ] on the street trying to get any. money saying come on me do whatever you. want just buy me dinner. so let's this idea that everybody huh. doesn't even exist anymore these parties. that ever talking about the Hollywood I. don't even know I don't even know anyone. who knows anyone who has them it doesn't. even exist it's me and Whitney Cummings. eating magic spoon in her backyard. trying to wait for a bobcat to come.

she's like a bobcat was here three days. ago I hope we see the Bobcat today. that's the elite parties that just. [ __ ] everybody thinks is going on. here I'm sure there are better pine oh. that there's better parties whatever you. know you know I get it but these lurid. ideas of what's going on in his town but. but you know listen you can't swing so. far the other pendulum where you're like. well I just I just I just sit in my. house and I wait for lizzo to tell me. what to do.

I just went. let out a tweet the road stay home stay. home forever and bake Brad share it. inspirational story. there's people that've never made more. money in their life than this quarantine. I know people who've never made more. money in the life right now that are. sitting around every every package that.

gets to talked about getting passed I. know guys that are chomping at the bit. chomping it's a bit like a cat looking. at a fish ball every time Nancy Pelosi. talks about another a little below. package I'm not saying that there's not. a lot of people hurting out there there. is I just happen to know dirtbags to. take advantage of the system I don't. happen to know a lot of people that are. like genuinely salt-of-the-earth people.

I've never met any of these. salt-of-the-earth people that are out. there I want to I see them I know. they're there. I just don't attract him into my orbit I. attract thieves goons and liars so. they're riding this out like they rode. hurricane sandy out Long Island. hurricane sandy was the best thing that. happened to Long Island because it gave. all of my friends a decade excuse for. the failure that was inevitable anyway I.

had one friend like eff Erica charities. the Dutch Wall don't live on the water. it's that's risky and it's like no you. don't live on the water because you. failed out of Nassau Community College. and you have a you have a criminal. record that's part of the reason yeah. hurricane sandy people right after. everybody's house got destroyed. everybody was like well here's my uh you. know I was working as a medical biller. before Hurricane sandy everything was. coming together I was going to get.

married with Vincent and then the. hurricane happens and our entire lives. got turned upside down. thank you news 12 for letting us say our. grievances. Obama did this cuz he is black we know. that he did it with his black which. powers that he adds from his country he. did this the long island because we. voted for that other guy. McCain meant whoever the white one. anyway.

hurricane sandy ruined our lives yes I. was technically fired from my job two. weeks before the hurricane for showing. up drunk coronavirus could be the new. hurricane sandy everybody's gonna be. everybody's just gonna be just it's just. gonna be one word you know they're gonna. base what he'd been up to and some. people just gonna go oh come on Ridge.

well it mm-hmm you need a wallet you can. sanitize that's the game right now so if. you have a Ridge wallet it is a [ __ ]. beautiful wat let me tell you about this. wallet how much pointless [ __ ] you carry. in your wallet my father used to pull. out a catcher's mitt this big old. leather thing cards of people that would. never do business with him dollars just. errant breath mints all shoved into a. [ __ ] wallet everything God keys.

receipts hotel room the you know the VIN. cards and things like that I'll tell you. what you need you need orig wallet. because it's a minimal front pocket wall. that's designed to streamline what you. carry every day it comes at titanium. carbon fiber aluminum dozen different. styles and colors it's so easy to. sanitize right you could take it because. it's so small you put it between your. hands look at it right now look at it. right now go get to go get the go get.

the sanitizer we give them a. demonstration now you better remember. this I'm not doing this for free all the. goddamn time with the demonstrations go. get the sanitizer will show me to do it. this is for all of you that are confused. you don't know how to sanitize your. wallet you got to do it the right way. oh I am so sad we live in such a dirty. world there are viruses everywhere. trying to kill us they're all conspiring.

to kill us. I will now sanitize my hand oh I have a. wallet it also needs to be sanitized. look at this. I've now sanitized my entire wallet and. my hands at the same time now I have a. sanitized wallet with no corona sorry. mr. Corona it looks like you're gonna. have to go somewhere else so that's why.

you get the ridge right now there's a. million reasons to get the ridge you. don't need it's a cool little wallet but. you want to sanitize everything on you. right now I mean that's the game the. game is health right now that's the game. take the vitamin D strengthen your. immune system get the spoon I mean this. is the game drink a lot of water cut the. booze out unless you need to drink some. of it before you start buying the rest. of this [ __ ] and then get hammered and. get get the gourd out Regus thirty. thousand five star reviews and even if.

they wrote 15 thousand of them or used. AI to write fifteen or twenty thousand. that's still ten thousand fuschia came. from actual people I'm kidding. everybody loves a rich we sell a lot of. rich wallets because they like it. there's a lifetime warranty it's a cool. wallet and I'll tell you right now man I. feel a lot better with orig wallet. because it can be easily sanitized and. that that's the future the future is is. is lean and clean. is it not lean and clean and clean lean.

and clean is the future you know you. have a sanitized wallet right now yeah. it's nice no Crona what is what is that. what'd you get what'd you get for. yourself there would you get a what is. that which one is that this is the blue. cobalt one Wow Wow and I didn't go for. the clip I went for the band I like to. talk cash in the B yeah you tuck a. little cash right in that band like you. tuck your [ __ ] up between your legs.

and then you have a [ __ ] get 10% off. today with free worldwide shipping your. returns but gonna Ridge calm / Tim. that's rich dark on /t I am and use code. T I am link in description of the all of. the links of all the sponsors let's. throw a magic spoon link in there as. well they're all gonna be in the YouTube. folks and we know it's a little late. this time hey hey go [ __ ] yourself but. buy the products because they help us.

and we all were doing always for the. heroes always with it I don't go a day. when I don't see here I get my hair. doing all the time I I do all the food. food for the heroes I brought them food. to the hospital Whitney Cummings paid. for I do everything for the heroes all. of it I will take a photo with food I. did not pay for for the heroes that's. who I am. I will stand there and take a photo in. front of cedars-sinai with food that I.

only really just I didn't even want. these people touching me these nurses I. was like one of them elbowed me like. stay away from me you're as good as dead. I'm kidding but here's the thing comedy. folks what are you gonna do. I'm gonna get out and perform again you. know when it when it's appropriate when. it's appropriate but you know all I do. is - for the heroes all right we're done. right with the ads okay rich calm. Tim tea I am doing stop comedy starting.

this comedy starting to get back in. business a little bit clubs were opening. up very small percentage of the room 25%. I'm hearing mixed things some people say. it's fun. it doesn't look fun to me I've worked. pretty hard to perform four rooms full. of people if this is the new normal yes. I will eventually come out and do these. rooms I'm hoping it isn't the new normal.

and I'm hoping that in time there will. be a return to some kind of normalcy and. that we'll be able to get some more. people in those rooms we could have. something that feels more like comedy. and. like just a crazy guy in a mall who's. held 75 people hostage. that is what my shows feel like anyway. like a guy who lost it in the mall with. a gun that's kind of what i market. myself as just a father of no children. but as a dad energy then he's lost it in.

the mall some of my best shows were for. 14 people in a room that seated 500 when. I was losing my mind in San Antonio with. the Improv screaming at the top my lunch. and those people just having a great. time because it was nobody could find. the club the mall was so poorly designed. I know shocker right and it was such a. poorly designed mall in the club's on. the fourth floor of the mall we know San. Antonio they don't like floor - so floor. four I mean come on I don't think so so.

I just remember so I will get back out. there I'm gonna get back out there I. mean the times are the times are we're. now some magic spoon though right now. this we're not doing an ad read but. let's just have a little bit of it this. is the fruit flavor here you've still. got some milk good and the thing about. magic spoon folks is that it cures. Corona it is a cure secured prevents.

preventative with you have Corona now or. will have Corona you'll never have it. now great thing about magic spoon cereal. is that it's what is this good it's. tasty never had it my life no I'm. kidding I enjoy it I like it because it. you don't feel guilty you know I don't. feel guilty after I eat anything I. should but I know but I'm now feeling.

more guilty because I'm starting to. think about health because of Kovan. [ __ ] nor did I burn my mouth and I've. you ever burned your top of your mouth. and then cereals like a razor yeah. there's hearts so much it hurts so. [ __ ] much which is good somebody once. here meet you the rest of the podcast. but it's just there's nothing worse than. the roof of your mouth being burnt. being cut with the razor-sharp edge of.

cereal and there's people that have done. that there's probably people that are. listening to the show that can identify. with that which is hot coffee. you know what's the restaurant you guys. don't want to go back to here's the. other thing let's get into this for a. minute because I people on Twitter too. like hey me and my boyfriend a big fans. of you I appreciate the hell out of that. can you can you set him a birthday. message no here's why I don't send my. family birthday messages okay so here's.

a reality I don't get this is a 200th. episode of the show it's just balloons. and of it know enough move the [ __ ] on. okay we tried to get someone they. wouldn't come on I got to do their show. first it's a whole thing. so we will have them it'll be fun but. the reality of the situation is I love. all of my fans I appreciate you I miss. seeing you at meet and greets after the. after the podcast but like in a cameo. I'm not joining cameo. I'm not shading anyone who has joined it.

is not for me I just can't for life me. be like hey hey Tom I know you're big. fan happy birthday but hey happy. birthday what are you and Marissa doing. for your big day I will blow my brains. out on cameo and I know that everyone. knows that Hey. hey Sheila hey Sheila your friend Rick. just wanted me to tell you. congrats on [ __ ] graduating nursing. school hero like nah I can't personally.

do it I know that people do it I respect. people to do it people who talents I. don't have I to I cannot pretend to care. about your life okay I I will not do it. you will have to go somewhere else. there's a lot of people to do they're. much more popular than me it's not. happening it's not coming and I'm not. mad at you the you asked I'm not I. appreciate the listen but I will not. pretend to care about your life other.

people pretend to care about your life. to the tune of two three four million. dollars a year I do not care I have. family members bodies ravaged with. cancer. barely the phone to them hello hi how. are you good yeah it's good huh I'm. better good I can't you know I was a. ghost you eat no doll yeah eat now. I'm kidding up now I'm not but the boy. is what are you gonna do let me go hey. hey hey hey Kelly.

I heard Kelly a real fan you look to. show go you know well well [ __ ]. franca some pretty cool some plan for. you Kelly. turn around Frank standing there with a. knife you cheatin [ __ ] he's gonna get. you stop crying you know what you did I. would do at a meal for murderers where I. would announce your murder that's right. you had announced you more I did. announce tragedies breakups you know but.

I just can't bring myself to treat you. like children and pretend that I give a. flying [ __ ] it's your breath I don't. care it's that it's my birthday in. January it doesn't matter I didn't get. him a present for his wedding here's a. reality I'm and you know why that is. because if coronavirus can't be. delivered don't make a face I wanted to. do it but I refuse to put him and his. fiance at risk to make me feel good. enough would you know me you've heard.

hours of me on the show you can't. imagine that there's a part of me that. wants to wish you and your boyfriend a. happy birthday how about this. this is for everyone happy birthday for. all of you in the past and in the future. that's the happy birthday enjoy it. what here's the thing with the Cameo by. the way I think it's funny when like.

somebody did it with blue Govich. somebody had the boy a [ __ ] to it for. to promote my Caroline show things like. that are clearly funny people do with. Chris Hanson it's very funny but like. who are the people on ironically using. cameo who are the people that genuinely. want [ __ ] the chick who played. [ __ ] you know the chick who played uh. you know I don't know. Delta Burke's friend on Designing Women. like who wants Kathy Najimy wishing them.

happy birthday the fat chick from the my. blanket Kathy Najimy who's hilarious but. like she's the [ __ ] that she's in. hocus pocus to fat witch from hocus. pocus. it's young cameos you might not be she. better be on cameo of course she is. who's who's go and I genuinely want the. fat witch from hocus but [ __ ] don't you. have money a hundred and fifty dollars I. mean she's great she's guy love her in. that movie I love her in a million.

things but I mean enough already. I get it I'll be on it [ __ ] next week. probably I just can't I just can't you. know who are the people is it just is it. rich people that just Hollywood has. fallen so far that it's fun to watch. your favorite celebrities who are. scrounging around on their floor for cat. food is it fun to watch them have to be. degraded to wish you a happy but they.

don't care about you they don't want to. be near you how nice was 90's Fame when. if somebody went near Sharon Stone they. got a gun in their mouth if some if. Sharon Stone is having lunch the IV and. you went near you were physically. removed now this [ __ ] has got to wish. you happy Valentine's Day what a [ __ ]. hellscape I know that there's a lot of. people on this sort of good people I.

just you know there's a lot of people on. this city suffering you know a lot of. people are suffering Abby Lee Miller. that [ __ ] from Dance Moms. how much the Cameo from that fat [ __ ] Oh. mark recently active of course this. [ __ ] lose resin oh my go over make. cookie one of the right 99. I mean this fat well Audrey cried for 30.

minutes she's showing everyone she said. it was the best present ever thank you. so much this is the woman who did Dance. Moms which I thought was a great show. because I like to see greatness demanded. of children I like to see children cry. and realize your mistakes many of those. many of those kids kill themselves some. of them don't they grow up to be great. people listen to this talk about. stunning estates yeah I was in a friend. buddy's house today where I got. sunburned and his mom rents a house in. Malibu everywhere every summer for the.

month of July I was like you know I'd. like to rent something down there I have. no I can't of course can't afford it but. I just like to enter into conversations. like that so potentially calls my bluff. she puts me on the phone with her. realtor like a real estate agent so I'm. like okay so what's great about these la. real estate agents is to like right out. of a Robert Altman movie like they're. just exactly what you'd imagine them to. be like yours dialogue written for them. and handed to them first of all they're. always super familiar with you they're. like they're like a a waiter at Friday's.

it's a little weird who's like who gets. down on his knees when you're a little. kid you're they were your dad he's like. hey champ hey buddy I bet you're pretty. hungry I bet you want some [ __ ] [ __ ]. of fingers don't it's like you know so I. I get on a phone this well of course her. name is Tracy every Realtors name is. Tracy okay. Tracy's either the name of a porn star. or a realtor okay and the real estate is. it porn is much more reputable so I get. on the phone with this woman and she's. like hey Tim how are you and I'm like.

good and she's like let me tell you. something right now this market in. Malibu it's a real knife fight it's a. real knife fight down here in Malibu I. don't care what the government's saying. people are snatching up properties left. and right so I'm just letting you know. what it is and I'm like okay Ike I don't. want to get into a knife fight in Malibu. I can't I will get into maybe a shoving. match in Silver Lake you know maybe a. fender bender in Studio City but I don't.

think a knife fight in Malibu is. appropriate uh and she's like so is your. budget under 40 a month. she means forty thousand I'm like yeah. yeah around there I mean I'm like. because if I'm gonna spend more than. knowledge. in a house right she's like right. because I'll send you some options. because this could be your Summer of. Love. she's a whole different world out here. Tim it's a whole different worlds that. cracked out of her face she coked out. her husband's [ __ ] her assistant. she's like Tim it's a real knife fight. here in Malibu. I haven't felt since I found out my. husband [ __ ] my sister last Christmas. it's a real knife fight here in Malibu.

the only thing I ate last week was. adderall and grapefruit juice it's a. real knife fight come armed or not it's. a knife fight here in Malibu my son. thinks he's a woman it's a knife fight. take the blades out and get cut. someone's getting caught my name is. Tracy and I'm a real estate agent and. you can't take that away from me you. could take everything my fat sister and. her husband in Ohio those three. disgusting kids she's beat cancer three.

[ __ ] times they're so happy and their. above-ground pool with their poverty but. she doesn't understand I get in that. white Jaguar license plate says sold and. I drive down the PCH and I say it's a. nice sign it's a goddamn nice sign are. you ready but not really I'm not really. I don't Tracy Tracy you seem a bit. intense I feel like I'm I'm not really. ready for this what we sword fight I. don't I'm not ready for him it's that.

intensity what she hangs on to her. husband blew her brains out years ago. she found his brain matter all over the. kitchen table. she didn't even move it she just sat. there took a little sip of cold brew and. stared right out in the beautiful ocean. she's got a stunning estate the stunning. view the knife fighter life's a knife. fight that's probably high school. yearbook quote life said life's a knife.

fight I can't believe my my goddamn I. can't believe I got so sunburned I'm. really [ __ ] up like my sunburn it's. like bad looks bad right yeah it's like. a bad one it's very very bad my nose is. like running I think that's this room. it's your nose running oil - it's the. [ __ ] studio I'm like minute 30 it. starts running yeah. it's the studio thank God I had this. magic spoon [ __ ] hurts my mouth but it. won't hurt yours what do you think of it.

isn't it a nice cereal I legitimately. really like it. the fruity flavor is the best flavor. it's good I mean it's listen good it's. good it's it's low you know low and low. and what it has to be in high and that. wood it has to be as well you know it's. both low and the bad and high and the. good and that's all we ask. and you don't feel shitty after you eat. it breakfast is a knife fight you know. what I mean it's real knife fight this. market for healthy cereal give me a. cauchy you [ __ ] TiVo wearing Dyke put.

the Kashi down it sucks it's not good so. I don't think I'll be renting anything. in Malibu so I'm just not prepared for. that level of aggression what options. that should give you anything I mean I. have to email her and I probably have to. tell her I've been I tell her I've no. credit right I'm at case or anyone in. Mal but who wants to rent me something. with no credit I have money but no. credit how do they feel about hey how do. you feel about this let me talk let's.

talk about our knife before we get into. the knife fight because our nice kind of. doll I found it on a train and it's got. it has some dried blood on it so it has. worked before but I just don't know if. we can get you know they probably have a. real nice sharp shiny knife you know. from one of those Japanese blocks would. you know one of those knife collections. that people buy is almost like a samurai. sword and I'm coming in with like a dull. butter knife used to kill a mother. it's a goddamn knife fight I just love.

the way they talk man I love I love real. estate agents I there's nobody I like. more then if there is deep as a puddle. there as deep as a puddle these pit I. mean there is nothing underneath there. it doesn't go deeper than that sir its. market hey Tim this markets a real knife. fight so I'll tell you this right now I. don't care what the government's saying. people are snatching up these properties. left and right it's a real knife fight. down here Malba you know how many times. a day she says that hey Karen how are.

you Tracy just getting back to him it's. heating up down here mark it's a real. knife fight you know how it is they make. stew. bydd jokes it have to be like you can't. offend anyone so the jokes have to be. like dad jokes you know they have to be. like well you know what happens you get. a little tequila I could be a little. wild. ha ha I wish I felt you know that's what. there aren't drugs to I mean they're on. there have to be pumping themselves out. because you know here's the other thing.

they're not wrong it's not not a knife. fight like it's a lot of rich people. that have just throwing houses at each. other down there and everybody wants to. be in the best place for the summer well. I mean it's just funny when you hear one. of them talk because they're it's. exactly what I would have imagined her. to say it's like perfect perfect have. you ever met someone and they were human. being and it's so disappointing and. you're like no no don't tell me don't.

tell me your son has MS tell me it's a. knife fight no I want to hear about the. knife fight I wanna hear about the. billionaire's throwing houses at each. other on the beach oh there's only a. certain amount of plots and everyone. wants to build no oh no you have a lump. on your breast no what about the knife. thigh. can we go back to the good old knife. fight the fake knife fight that everyone. fights with wire transfers and lawyers.

would you like mouthed with I was. driving around then there's some. beautiful beautiful homes and you know. God love the people that are there she's. nice the salt water air is nice the fish. is not that good. you know I don't understand people. Malibu Sifu and real and I mean the East. Coast fish is just better the cuts of. meat they're colder they're insulated. more they're fatty or the fish they. taste better it's very fishy out here. the Pacific fish is very fishy I don't.

know why that is but the East Coast fish. is just better and I'm a big seafood. person and I gotta be honest it's a. little disappointing that's why you. gotta just put it in a taco here you. just gotta put just put it in the taco. just put it in the taco a little avocado. crema come on put a little pico de gallo. and. that's it's very hard to just get a. grilled piece of fish here and after you. go wow there's none of that just put it. in the top put it on tortilla and just. be done with it be done with it it's.

[ __ ] fishy I don't know why there's. not much we could do with the 200th. episode folks you know I mean a lot of. people that we we could have I don't. want to do the zoom I don't have people. on zoom I don't like that I know other. people like it listen there's a million. shows doing that if you want that go and. get that go and get that go and defend. Bill Gates on zoom do whatever you want. to do and I'm not even going to bill I. mean I did for 30 minutes but it's his.

wacky boy. she's just gotta be he's oh he's a wild. man and he gotta rein him in a little. bit Billy Bale Billy Boy what are you. trying to do trying to get rid of the. Sun bill raining in reining in bill. music I want to save the planet for. climate change and it's like and what. have the people ruining another way step. aside and let the lava get him what. happened to those billionaires because. they step aside let the lava get him. yeah yeah we [ __ ] to plan it up let.

the planet eat us don't deny the planet. that joy don't deny the planet the joy. of eating us striking back and lashing. out at us please don't deprive the but. what about the planet have you ever. thought about what the planet wants. global warming's nothing to do with the. planet it's a whole Carla bit it's. everything to do with us planet doesn't. give a [ __ ] so it's like Oh bill wants. to save the planet it's like no he wants. to save your kids dance studio he wants. to save the strip mall and fine I get it. I'm not against humanity but like let's.

get [ __ ] real here he's the best. person ever bill. don't say anything he said morph of. anyone that's ever lived that's the. thing going around Facebook there going. he said more for people than any person. that's ever lived and people are saying. mean things about Bill it's crazy just. cuz he wants to shoot nuclear weapons at. the moon see what happens he wants to.

send a spaceship full of nukes and. detonate it and blow them. for a 4th of July show cuz it's better. than fireworks and everyone's mad at him. now why he just wants a little chip and. all of you children and whenever they. have a negative thought it blinks and. they're told to never have a negative. thought ever again and to get up every. day to talk about how much they love. this country and sing the national net. what's wrong with that I don't.

understand why anyone would be bit mad. at Billy Boy manscaped I've asked for a. free man skate for the last [ __ ] six. months and haven't gotten one so thanks. a lot everybody. man skate please send me a free thing. flowers are blooming the grass is. growing and it's time for you to clear. out your underbrush with manscape you. could trim your hedges safely this is. like real start real estate jokes do. yourself a favor and get the right tools. for the job because it's a goddamn knife.

fight down there below the belt you know. what it is it's a goddamn knife fight. you got a big Bush manscaped is the only. Brent dedicated to below the belt coping. I will say this manscape is good it's. the best pube trimmer on the market it's. what it is. have skin-safe technology it won't Nick. or snag your sack it's the perfect bad. guy but a crop preserver ant they. chasing ball deodorant moisturizer it's. getting hot outside this will keep your. balls from sticking the crop Reviver. which will keep your ball smelling fresh.

just like the spring flowers I think you. should just leave your blade your ball. smell the way they smell pheromones. report just let you know let it let it. hang out let's not get too crazy your. ball smelling like jasmine anyway the. point is there its call to action I'm. not supposed to say that. verbatim not supposed to say that get. 20% off free shipping when you use the. code team at manscape comm if you're a. man or a woman with a dick or want a. dick or practicing having a dick or. investing in a day Acorah I'm gonna have. a dick on layaway manscape calm manscape.

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it's literally even if you need this you. need it the norelco body grooms not that. good it's their only competition it's. just quite frankly not that good so with. the perfect package you also get it okay. you get you get but buy it buy it if you. need it buy it and use the code Tim do. you like to show or not if you want me. to be in Malibu or not you want me to. live with you [ __ ] animals and in a. guy I don't even know what you people. are some FEMA tent you're getting this a. shortwave radio you're sitting there -.

you practicing some [ __ ] Civil War. militia I don't know what the hell. you're doing you want me to live like. you people want me to be on cameo like. an animal wish your people happy. birthday. it's that happy graduation Sara. [ __ ] that buy the trimmer shave your. junk use the promo code Tim I mean how. much would debate I'm selling ball hair. trimmers on a [ __ ] podcast how much. worse do you want it to get from me I'm.

a remarkably talented individual my. talent far exceeds most of what's on. there but am I on SNL no I'm selling. dick pills and bald hair trimmers and. cereal on a podcast how much how long. you want this to happen. can't you get McKay yeah can you notch. me up a little bit here and get the. trimmer please other people get big. deals they sit around their agent calls. go who lose gonna stuff money in your. abs so you can go lose it cuz you've. never had a thought in your life your.

entire career is a [ __ ] joke it's a. practical joke that people started to. take seriously and now you own a house. I'm selling ball hair trimmers for the. love of Christ please get the trimmer. that is all I'm asking. give it to a friend it's a nice fun. podcast camp it's a fun gift for men to. give each other nothing gay about it but. if you want to suck off your friend this. is also a fun way to let them know this. is what it needs to be please. please people here would script deals.

movie deals. I'm calling Realtors I'm bored. the Tim dillagi was brought to you by. expressive VP and tell us about the. drones it was very interesting been. Virtual Private Networks are huge now. the government's trying to [ __ ] with. everybody if you're doing anything with. sensitive information you don't want. people you know whether it's banking or. whatever it is you don't want people. finding out where you are you don't want. to be marketed and hounded and annoyed. everybody's doing VPN this is a big. thing and tell us about the drones Ben. because there was something about. Charles you told me all around the porch.

my friend told me that if you want to. fly drones you have to log your your. flights a flight log so they know the. government knows exactly where you're. going because there's certain places you. can't go right so if you have a VPN or. something like that you can say you're. somewhere else and then you know fly. around the Hollywood sign fly down the. Hollywood you're not allowed to fly down. the Hollywood sign if you don't have a. VPN I don't know probably not I mean. most areas are probably restricted in. the city right I guess yeah yeah so.

expressvpn is great for protecting your. privacy and security online so you can. also use to unlock foreign movies and TV. shows that are only available in other. countries pinch Doctor Who on Netflix in. the United Kingdom watch spirited away. on Netflix in Japan and so much more. they sent me that CEO a couple of. people's of the CEO like he only got a. year and yet all this horrible child. porn this guy was the CEO he rents a. Bitcoin company I forget where it was he. was horrible child porn CEO yeah he just.

happened it was crazy the guy and. nothing in and out it's no no just just. just just search just search pedophile. arrested or something he was sentenced. he did a year he only did a year just. hit news hit news yeah Utah CEO gets 210. days in jail for having 13 thousand. files of infant and child rape and be. she algae god is horrific this is not.

what they want me to say in the head. yeah that's only god it's [ __ ] crazy. I just thought it was funny in the court. he's like I know I was binging Doctor. Who. no no no no I I was using the VPN to. binge. Doctor Who or watch spirited away on. Japanese Netflix this is a big. misunderstanding here I've I've had a. big misunderstanding ah wait a minute. I'm here because I use Japanese Netflix.

right like no it's all about the child. poor and you're like wait a minute. this is cuz I broke into UK Netflix. expressvpn works for any streaming. service Netflix Amazon Hulu BBC you need. a VPN folks you need it you don't want. Nancy Pelosi following you around. nagging you it works on all your devices. any phone tablet we use it we use. expressvpn it's great we you know we. correspond with some people Whitney Webb. and people like that who don't want to. be tracked because they they're you know.

deep in it's fast it's no buffering and. there's no lag streaming HD without any. issue on any device in any part of your. house if you visit my special link right. now expressvpn comm / Tim Dylan TI m TI. ll o n expressvpn comm / Tim Dylan you. can get an extra three months of. expressvpn for free support the show. watch what you want protect yourself it. expressvpn calm / Tim Dylan that's the. show folks episode 200 the bed we are.

moving on one episode free every week if. you want to get another episode. patrons $5 a month if you have even more. money give us twenty a month you get one. extra episode a week plus a monthly you. know two hour-long episode as well so. that's the deal if you don't have the. money because things are [ __ ] right. now everything we do here it will always. be free you'll get four episodes every. week every month for free you'll get all. of our videos and should like that 100%. of the time for free so don't worry. there's more than enough [ __ ] out there.

if you have the money and you want. actual stuff it's a great way to support. the show and we appreciate it but this. has been 200 episodes 200 hours of. talking really more really more because. we've done multi hour episodes. probably close to 250 hours of of. talking it's a lot of talking we started. this in 2016 with a great rate comp. the bass of loose Gomez I done Legion of. skanks I was doing some other pockets. I'd done a bunch of pockets before I did. one called the unbelievable podcast was.

about aliens I did the early Tim Dylan. show the guys from Queens Network in. 2011 with Andrews Aryan and then. eventually I started doing this show a. tre comp out of the gasps digital studio. which was in Ralph Sutton's apartment of. course with leaves you skanks Louis. loved those guys and then meet him and. Nick still do a thing on YouTube. bastard radio Lewis name that we don't. have to tell you that you knew then you. knew that when you heard the name I got. to start doing that batter I mean I just.

queue it on zoom' and my mom I like it. people don't really complain about the. sound quality though people have been so. beaten down with everything they don't. care probably better for how couple the. mic but who cares but that's a fun show. but yeah and then we've been doing the. Tim Dylan show we left cast I moved to. LA and we just wanted to go independent. it was time and when did we do that you. moved to LA June 1st I think you were. independent in like July or August yes. sir the patron September yeah so the. show's been [ __ ] the show's grown.

massively we have us a few celebrity. listeners isn't that nice. and the celebrities are Bill Gates. Melinda Gates his team of killers he's. gonna hire to descend on my apartment. and kill me yeah I mean it's been a wild. ride when I started podcasting I didn't. think it was going to be my career I. thought it's gonna be something that I. would do while I got my show on Comedy. Central how funny is that.

I thought podcast who's gonna be just a. fun thing I could do to stay strong as a. stand-up while I got my show on Comedy. Central Network that now doesn't exist. essentially as of a few weeks ago it. really doesn't exist um. so especially thank God I pivoted the. only reason I've been successful at. anything people ask me like are you all. are you hard at work or you this and the. other thing sure there's some innate. talent or whatever but the reality is I. get bored easily so I got bored with. stand-up and I still love Stan I still.

do it but I got bored with it so I. started doing podcasting and then I got. bored with podcasting for me and Ben. started making. content videos things like that to put. on YouTube social media so the reality. is if you know anything's I think it's. about getting bored and doing new things. not stopping doing old things but adding. new things here repertoire and we really. we really started doing the show in the. show became stronger because a ban has. essentially been and me have really made.

it into something that we both enjoy we. both enjoy doing and we enjoy making. these videos we want we want this to. grow and get as big as you guys will. allow to get um but yeah I mean from. where we are now even we were a year ago. or a few years ago it's like you can't. even it's not it's not identifiable and. Joe Rogan's a huge part of that by. having me on the show as much as he's. had me on the show and by promoting us. and putting out our videos and. everything like that and you know that.

of course we don't forget that and. there's a lot of other people that have. helped me out here too but I mean I'm. not gonna mention them by name because. it's like whatever you know it's you. know it wasn't the hugest help it was. fine I mean Joe's a bigger help you know. be honest not gonna go down a laundry. list of you know people that we get it. okay you know these other shows I've. helped out by being on let's be honest. so the reality is the reality is that. we're grateful we're grateful for the. heroes yeah anyone who's had me on your. podcast a hero in my book you're a hero.

but it's been a wild ride we are. broadcasting at the end of the world. this is uh this is the apocalypse I know. most people it's not to selling shoes. you know the stinkers you know the great. thing about this country and about. civilizations like the longer and longer. things like this go the shutdown the. worsening economy the black Mura. whatever you want to call it that that I. heard the black Mira was named that.

because it was like what a computer. looks like when it's off yeah yeah that. just looms larger and larger that just. grows that just grows now as outside. gets more dangerous or more contentious. you know as it looks it's gonna start. looking worse you know cities are gonna. go bankrupt in states and they're not. gonna. to keep anything up and the people are. gonna get angrier and they're gonna is. gonna be civil unrest gonna be all that. stuff most likely and as the outside. gets uglier you're gonna fall into the.

computer you're gonna fall into that. black mirror just gonna fall in there. and then you're going to exist primarily. digitally for the rest of your life's I. mean this is just what is going to. happen some of you may hold out the last. vestiges of freedom that you you you. know drink deep the wine of freedom it's. there's not a ton left in your glass I. don't even mean somewhere well in. government I just mean like everything. is integrated itself into this you know. you [ __ ] I mean every which way you're.

just gonna the future is digital it's on. a screen your friends are on screens. it's it's horrific it's a heart I hate. that it sucks and it's not real and a. lot of the people that have gotten. massive digitally when you look at them. and they're it's not like guys a Krogan. who remember the other side they. remember real life you know but it needs. to stand up so he's always out there. with you but when you talk about these. big YouTube guys a lot of these guys. that we meet out here that are big. YouTube guys and not so much aglow ghen. Paul because those guys still are out in.

the real world he's fighting he's doing. like real things but there are these. guys who like never they just exist. online and when you meet them there's. something missing and I can't identify. what it is they're just they're kind of. not there they're only alive if they're. on a screen there's something sick about. it there's something sad about it and. that thing will be the future it's. unfortunate but that's probably I mean. not to deliver it to stop you know I. mean the show the show for last three. years I think it's been largely positive.

and so I don't want to do a negative. thing on the 200th episode it's not me. it's not me and it's not what you expect. you know start your business it's gonna. be great. so hustle and grind hustle grind hustle. grind how's the ground attack ready. uh-huh. how's it grass but I will say this man I. mean we would always joke around about. this situation that we now find. ourselves in broadcasting from a room as. the entire world falls apart this seems.

to be one of the only appropriate art. forms at the moment. it does seem like that it doesn't seem. like it's I don't know that I need to be. it's some you know comedy club while. people are scarfing down chicken fingers. this this seems much more pertinent and. this seems fitting it really seems like. it fits the time that we're in I I love. live performance I hope it comes back it. will come back and I'll be out there. doing it when it does come back but.

there's just something about this that. just for the moment for the for the. moment and maybe for the foreseeable. future feels right and I'm very happy. that we did this and we we start and by. did this I mean the coronavirus we. started the coronavirus we engineered. this and released it and it's it's. worked so well I had no idea no I mean. the podcast it's a it's a crazy time but. I you know I don't want everybody that.

just [ __ ] exists on the internet but. that seems like where we're headed it. seems like we're we're headed some of. you have been there for years so. everybody world just catching up to you. now you know you've been on a Chan 4chan. 8 khun kon john martin whatever it is. making all your friends there and having. fun conversations about the future and. we're all catching up eventually it'll. all be it'll all be on the you know so.

online now right so I mean this is happy. I'm happy about this I mean you know not. not a I don't know I'm not thrilled. about it but we're adjusting to it and. I'm hoping we can adjust that I'll never. be the guy that just wants to exist in. this medium I'll never be the guy that. just wants to do it I'll always be i'll. always enjoy as much as I enjoy the show.

as much I do this I'll always love a. shitty comedy club in the middle of. nowhere looking at real people seeing. their faces shaking their hands when we. were allowed to do that that I'll always. enjoy that more even though I'm good at. this and this is fun I was enjoyed that. more because each. that's actually I don't know who you are. out there I know I don't know that I. want to know. but that exchange that we have of energy. in a real-life situation a comedy club. or in a theater that to me was always.

that's what it's about to me this is in. support of that this is all in support. of that and we hope we get back there. sooner rather than later but this is a. great [ __ ] show I mean if I could. list every horrible podcast out there I. mean if I could go through them. I mean God but I can't because these. people my colleagues it's you know if. you ever been to an office you walk in.

every day hey Linda you suck you can't. you go hey Linda good to see ya. it's what it is I'm kidding everyone's. great at what they do and I'm an honor. I'm honored to be in a community of. comedians in America that every one of. them's a joy and a blessing. Netflix's has two newspaper movie on. Netflix man is good they're wrong Missy. it's good and Lauren lapkus who said to.

me when I was doing your show she said. to me once I was doing I was doing jokes. on the show and I was being funny that's. kind of what the show was you do jokes. on and Lauren lapkus look at me she's. like what are you the hot take I so I. you know me and her we're not like. besties we don't really know each other. but let me tell you this she makes that. film she's [ __ ] amazing she's so good. in that movie and it's so she's it's so. [ __ ] funny because of her and other. people Schwartz's and a lot of great. people are in it's Paige Steiner it's a.

great movie but lapkus is just to stand. out like crushes the movie and yes I am. the hot take guy and one of my hot takes. is how lovely you are in the film. how could you are in the movie so that's. it folks I mean that's the State of the. Union that's where we are and where. we're going there's nothing you or Bill. Gates can say about that so if you want. to sell me some you want to sue me Billy. Boy you Melinda get to it.

but I bet you ignore this best you. ignore me and you keep finding ways to. block out the Sun.