#199 - Monkey Sex Traffickers | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen live from a. stunning estate it is the Tim Dillon. show thank you for joining us we are. here from Beverly Hills California in. the middle of a nationwide quarantine in. response to the pandemic of kovat 19. which we all know is fake but we are. doing our part. pretending along with everyone else that. there is a disease out there called. corona virus and that people are dying. from it we know full well we know full.

well that everybody who's dying never. existed and that all of the nurses and. the doctors are actors hired by who by. dr. Anthony thought she by Bill Gates. and Greta Van Susteren I don't know I'm. just saying that maybe she's involved. and I learned this all watching planned. emic planned emic the YouTube.

documentary from a thick woman a thick. older lass who looks like she flogs her. children after she's had a few cocktails. of course the YouTube thugs whom I. respect thanks for having us capitulated. to social pressure and yanked the. documentary off and I have no I've never.

agreed with that method of dealing with. misinformation making it sexier by. removing it people want to hear what I. just said I started the show and I said. coronavirus is fake people want to hear. that people want to hear that there's an.

Orwellian plan that's in place I think. that is actually comforting instead of. the idea that this is a chaotic. period of time it's a mess nobody knows. what's going on there is no plan. good or bad yes people are gonna use. this crisis to accelerate things they. wanted to do you will leave this crisis. with less freedom. you left 911 with less freedom every day.

you wake up by the time you go to bed. guess what you have less freedom it's. true you're not paying attention to it. because you're you're out you're doing. things there's some credibility issues. with the woman who did plan demmick by. the way I don't care what you believe I. don't know what I believe is this being.

overstated exaggerated probably do we. know that I don't know that how. contagious is it how transmissible is it. I don't know any of that I speak to. doctors I speak to some nurses I don't. know please stop messaging me plan. Demick okay enjoy your life find a way. to enjoy your life I'm deadly serious.

about this there's not much of it left. figure out a way to enjoy your life and. it is not watching planned emic is fowey. shady probably he's been a government. official for decades they're all shady. they all make deals I don't know what. Bill and Melinda are doing I don't know. I'm sure there's a good with the bad I.

don't know if Bill Gates is Satan I. don't think he is but I'm also not. willing to hand a handful of. billionaires control over the planet. they've taken it anyway whether I'm. willing to hand it to them or not. they've they've got it you can wrestle. it back potentially but I'm taking this. seriously. I've made a pact with myself I will not.

visit my family under any circumstances. I will not attend a family function. I don't care States open up I don't care. if they find a vaccine I don't care if. coronavirus disappears off the face of. the earth and it's ten years from now I. still will not do it won't do it I will. not go and spend time with my family.

because I owe that to the heroes I owe. to them. I owe to the heroes to be steadfast in. my commitment I am deleting them out of. my phone they're done they're done now. people are on zoom' calls with their. family no thank you. it's too tempting to be on a zoom call. with your family because you might think. hey down the road I'm gonna visit those. people and break bread with them not me.

no I'm steadfast so I'll tell you that. that's very important and I want you to. know how seriously I'm taking it for the. heroes even in ten years when no one's. even mentioned coronavirus I'm still and. many of my family members running to. death bed I still will honor the work. the heroes have done and not visit my.

family I've deleted them from my phone. I've gotten rid of them because it is. not safe I will not be sending birthday. presents or wedding presents asked Ben I. will not send an Amazon package of. coronavirus to his home no no I won't do. it it kills me to not do it it destroys.

me as a human being to not do it all I. want to do is give him a present for his. wedding he chose not to have I. to buy him a big whatever go on the. registry I don't know what the [ __ ] they. want over there a juicer I don't know I. didn't look but I would give it to them. and I'd wrap it in a shiny bow I would. night I drop it right at their door and. now I can't cuz it'll be full of Corona. balls and I won't do it I love giving.

gifts. I love providing for the people that I. care about giving them a thing watching. them open it with with big bright eyes. nothing would make me happier than to. give this man a wedding present but I. can't do it because why because I don't. go in front of a nurse and spit in her. face and it would be doing that I'm not.

getting any eye even before the pandemic. I don't want to be out in the open and. telling people that I kind of knew what. was gonna go on but even before in his. pandemic I was not sending presents to. my family through the mail because I. know a little bit about virology I know. a little bit about the way things work I. wasn't just willy-nilly sending things.

through the mail that you're opening up. and that it could kill you sorry I've. been taking than bicep this is the new. world we're living in and I'm doing it. because I want to honor the work that is. being done on my behalf. another thing I'm not doing I am no. longer entertaining the idea of having a. friend that is not worth 10 million.

dollars I'm done with that. why because I want to only be friends. with philanthropists that give their. money to better society I want to spend. time with people that giveth of. themselves. they giveth what they haven't that's who. I'm spending time with so it's very hard. to be a philanthropist.

if you don't have an eight-figure bank. account so that's who I'm choosing to. spend my time with because of the corona. pandemic that's why I'm ordering food. every day and not cooking because of the. economy. I've chosen to not cook or clean or wash. dishes because of the corona pandemic. yes I could fry an egg while people.

starve in the street I choose not to I. choose to order things even when they're. completely unnecessary like napkins and. bottles of water but I order them. because I want people to live sorry. sorry I like a plague with the only. thing I can do is lay on my couch and. order post mates that's what I can do.

other people can do other things they. have different skill sets some of them. can intubate patients some of them can. deliver things to the local hospital I. can stay home order food not send people. presents and not spend any time with. family I choose to do that why because I. want to win I want to win can you fight.

like I'm fighting can you fight are you. gonna roll over start cooking start. reaching out to family members and. asking them how they are and making. plans to eventually see them like a. terrorist have a little [ __ ] class. how about that stop sending me Plan.

Demick. this was planned or not I've adjusted. and I suggest you do too because you're. a hero whether you know it or not I. don't know what Anthony foul she's doing. I don't I've never gotten a flu vaccine. and I've never had the flu what does. that mean I don't know I don't know. that's not a scholarly paper that's not.

peer-reviewed science. I just never walked into his CVS and. said get the needle out I've never. walked into a what now Raymond cup has. gotten a lot of flu shots I don't know. he I don't I guess he's and I think he's. got in the floor I don't know some. vaccines are good some vaccines are bad. that's what it is.

I don't know which ones are which all of. you do all of my friends know everything. immediately overnight about vouching and. the World Health Organization there is. no health there is no such thing as. health how about that I'm gonna go even. further you want to conspiracy I'll give. you the big one I'll give you the big.

the bigger one the biggest one there is. no such thing as how you're not healthy. there's no such thing it doesn't exist. let me prove it to you friend of mine. was healthy got in a car accident and. died how healthy were they couldn't. handle a little pile up on the Long. Island Expressway died instantly not.

healthy to me Adele was fat now she's. thin. look good fat doesn't look good thin. sounds great in both incarnations didn't. care about her fat I don't care about. her thin she's it's good the songs are. good she sings she's she deserves her.

fame and a hundred and fifty million. dollars what she looks like doesn't. affect you be fat be thin doesn't matter. doesn't really matter it's better to be. thin than fat harder for a lot of people. but better but doesn't necessarily make. you healthy I know a lot of thin people.

that are [ __ ] don't kid yourself thin. [ __ ] walking around waiting to. drop dead what is this health what is it. I don't understand what it is you go to. a doctor's office and they tell you. their Lord's God who are they I. subscribe to I've never trusted Western.

medicine when you start to get to a. certain level of wealth and you live in. California you get very skeptical of. Western medicine I'm starting to connect. with the tribes and many of the peoples. that I feel are like many white women of. a certain means age group and. denomination of money I now I'm starting. to think about chakras and energy and.

auras it's not all [ __ ] okay it's. not all [ __ ] you get you know people. are depressed and anxious in this. country and here's here's what people. aren't gonna want to hear here's what. people don't want to understand there is. and I'm gonna tell you this is gonna. sound controversial people aren't gonna. like this there's no such thing as. cancer.

you just have a bad attitude do you. understand do you get it you have a bad. attitude you're you're you're cranky and. you're negative and that little ball of. negativity becomes a cancer you eat. sugar and white bread all day you get. you crash you think it's depression and. anxiety it's a bad diet and then the. pharmaceutical companies come in and. then they try to save you with their.

medications it's a cycle the over the. kept my mother all her whole life took. over-the-counter medication sudafed. everything she could get our hands on. pep herself up put a little pep in her. step clear out her nasal cavity make her. feel better she had hay fever and. allergies and every every ailment you. could imagine every plant that was on. the planet was conspiring to kill my. mother.

personally they all had meetings and. they wanted to just do her in every tree. was a potential threat every vine that. hung down was a potential deadly. situation for my mother unless she could. put a few sudafed down her throat it's. not good stop with the dayquil stop. taking bright orange tablets of goo stop. drinking robitussin unless you're a.

white young rapper you don't need the. over-the-counter [ __ ] my grandmother. used to get sick you know what she did. she had chicken soup and water and she. got over it they all lived to their late. 80s we have aisles and aisles of [ __ ]. [ __ ] in the grocery store and the. pharmacist you do not need you do not. need this [ __ ] mucin acts it just. alleviates your symptoms it doesn't cure. or heal you understand your chakra.

understand your spirit guides you know. God a spirit guide it's because you're. clogging your mouth up with Robo tots. and cut it out of there get a spirit. guide. my spirit guide is a racist so I had to. get another one. my spirit guide was a very racist being. I didn't realize that when I first got. them but after a while they started. displaying signs were very troubling in.

the beginning it was all they appeared. in light and they would you know walk me. through the gardens of life then they. started talking about the protocols of. the Elders of Zion. I was concerned I'm now looking for. another guide spiritually to take me. through the universe have you ever felt. healthy in a Walgreens have you ever. walked into a CVS and thought that was a. place to vote it to health truly if you. ever walked into a CVS that said thank.

God I'm in a place where I can get. medicine or a tub of cookie dough. because that's what drugstores are in. America you can get vicodin and you can. get Red Baron pizza which is not bad. frozen pizza as they go but that's what. drugstores are in this country the. potions the soaps your skin is bad. because you eat dairy my skin is bad.

because I eat dairy I eat the milk of. another animal it is not healthy but I. do it my skin gets red I get rosacea I. get eczema and why does that happen. because of my diet because what I. consume and then I go and I get CeraVe. and all these garbage [ __ ]. moisturizers and courtesans and your. face gets addicted to what you're. putting on it and it's bad and it just. cover because you're unwilling to.

realize that the problems are of your. own making many of them there is no such. thing as aids do you understand me you. have AIDS it's it's it's God's Way of. saying enough already. enough. don't always swallow spit a little out. save a little for later don't have it be.

a foregone conclusion that you just take. it all down into your abdomen for Christ. God's looking at you every time you suck. a dick and one that by the time you get. to the end of it he goes for Christ's. spit a little of it out take half of it. stop taking it all down every time is. not Thanksgiving you're getting aids. aids is not real Tony found she created. aids with God.

Bill Gates Tony foul Qi and God created. aids they have a corporation they. patented the vaccine for AIDS some of. what I'm saying here is incredibly. important some of it is less so you have. to find out what is what we're in the.

quarantine we're in a stunning a state I. don't have to tell you any of this you. should be figuring it out yourself many. of you will never understand what's. truly great you will not see any value. your slugs many of you it's not my fault. you crawl on the ground. you haven't evolved into into being that. can handle the information that I'm. telling you multiple sclerosis isn't. real. they're just clumsy they're just clumsy.

people Parkinson's disease is people. that want attention yeah we see we see. your Uncle Frank we get it how about you. stop the shaking and come up with a. funny anecdote. I've never met a pharmacist who I didn't. want to kill they're rude thoughtless.

people they think they're doctors you're. not you sling pills in a [ __ ] Walmart. you're nothing. Western medicine is a problem I try to. align my chakras who's your spirit guide. mine yes [ __ ] trying to think he's. [ __ ] I'm not in touch with my. spiritual you got a line a line.

everyone's like I need health insurance. you need a [ __ ] clue. you need a clue it's over stop trying to. figure it out out there planned um it's. it's all bad the whole thing's bad.

feeding your kids a bowl of garbage. every day is bad and then wondering why. they turn around and they bring a gun to. homeroom maybe part of it is that you're. feeding them a bowl of [ __ ] like my. parents fed me a bowl of sugar fast food. frozen food ice cream cakes cookies pies. tarts big steaks they don't care.

just eat something and get away from us. I should have been a Navy SEAL how I was. fed a good diet I would have been a Navy. SEAL but my parents failed don't fail. your children everybody you know that I. love magic spoon cereal it is a Kido. cereal it is a low carb low sugar like. no sugar cereal that simulates the.

experience you had when you ate cereal. as a kid they have a lots of different. flavors they have a fruity cereal that. it's like Fruity Pebbles now it's like. Froot Loops there's a blueberry cereal. when there's chocolate and then there's. more of a vanilla flavor magic spoon is. great and if you go to magic spoon comm. slash Tim Dylan you were going to love. the cereal I mean you're gonna like it I. eat it I'm gonna try to message them and. get like an Apple Jacks flavor I like a.

fall flavor but right now it's this. summer so the fruity pebble flavor and. the blueberry flavor these are killer. they're part of a healthy diet okay so. you can start your day with these and if. you like something sweet you can even. eat them at night as a treat after you. have a keto or Paleo day and you've. eaten healthy and you need something. that feels good and again people say oh. it's a little pricey it's pricey because. the flavor you know you know I think. it's more they used to use monk fruit.

like the way that they sweeten the. cereal is with expensive extracts from. fruit and things like that it's not. sugar it's not added and processed it's. not garbage and right now we're all. thinking about our health you know. everybody that I know is thinking about. their health we have to we're in the. middle of this [ __ ] crazy. unprecedented time where health is now. more important than anything else so. it's it's time to get healthy but you. don't want to give up all the stuff that. you like some people love cereal it's a. great way to start the day it's easy.

it's a treat doesn't take a lot to make. some people just can't you know do the. eggs every morning they don't have the. time kids running around they want to. and even listen this is great to get. your kids if your kids love this type of. cereal feeding this cereal to your kids. instead of giving them sugar is amazing. but I know it's a little bit on the. pricier side but again what's the value. in health what's the value in being. healthy right now health is invaluable.

which means it you cannot put a price on. it you know what I mean isn't there a. song you can't put a price on love I. think so stop doesn't matter let's just. move on the cereal is good. it's tasty and it's nice it's something. nice to have something nice to start. your day with some cereal that it's. healthy and good so here's what I want.

you to do right now right now pull the. car over go to magic spoon comm slash. Tim Dylan TI m di ll oh and grab a. variety back and try it today if you use. promo code Tim Dylan I'd check out you. get free shipping so there's no cost to. ship this cereal to your house this is. part of your diet this is one of the. meals of your day done and it tastes. good done don't think about it.

you're on keto you're on paleo this is. breakfast it's done you did it you got. it it's good boom got to worry about. lunch and dinner. that's all I've taken your breakfast and. now what you usually use for breakfast. cuz keto and paleo these things are hard. because choices are limited right we. know this so now that eggs bacon or that. turkey egg to that omelet you're gonna. make with a bunch of vegetables that's. very you know you know protein dense and. really really good and nutritious now.

eat it for lunch or dinner cause. breakfast is very easy to do paleo and. keto it's very easy but now I've taken. that breakfast and I've moved it to. lunch or dinner now you only have to. figure out one meal it's much easier add. a bowl of magic spoon to your routine. it's much better I'm telling you right. now telling you right now I have been. using it and I've gained 30 pounds. that's a joke. I'm a comedian and that's not true you. understand comedy isn't true it's funny.

magic spoon comm slash Tim Dylan try the. cereal take a photo of yourself eating. the cereal send it to me and if you are. attractive I will repost it thank you. I'm just telling you it is what it is if. you don't want the vaccine don't take it. don't get it if you do want it get it it. ain't coming we're probably not even. gonna get one everyone's worried about. the corona virus vaccine it's probably.

not gonna happen. they're gonna go about it another way. there it's not gonna vaccinate you. they're gonna just figure out a way to. not let you leave your house I don't. know what to tell you so if you're never. allowed to leave your house again what's. the solution. here it is get a stunning estate get a. stunning estate if it is not stunning. you're in trouble two people will help. them by the way you know my aunt reached.

out to me and she's like you know she's. loves disaster porn so everyday she's. telling me about new ways Kovac can kill. you you know he it's in the mail it's in. your deck forever and I said listen you. got to go with God and then eventually. she transitioned right quickly and she's. like there's so many people dying and I. just hope Realtors can sell houses I'm. trying to sell my house always remember. we're a boomer comes from a boomer is is.

it an animal I've studied for a long. time in every statement of concern you. must study the boomer understand the way. the boomer thinks watch the way the. boomer moves towards the wine away from. the responsibility is responsibility. over there away from that towards the. wine towards the cigar Oh a Golf Club. the boomer the boomer in every statement.

of concern there is cloaked. self-interest it is the boomers. inherited the earth and lit it on fire. and are now going it's a little bit hot. it's a little bit hot and I don't like. it so when the boomer begins a soliloquy. about disease and horror and famine or.

climate change very soon after you will. see how they're personally affected by. it and now they don't really give a [ __ ]. about and it'll be very quick you just. gotta you just gotta pay attention. to the Boomer to which I said I just say. go with God now respond to every tax go. with God go with God. figure it out sorry it's not my problem.

the woman from Planned emic does not. hold the keys to the jail cell that. we're all in she doesn't what was that. we just heard something sound like a. squirrel jumping to the tree was it a. squirrel I think so a lot of people. unemployed in this goddamn country every. squirrel is a potential issue every.

squirrel is a potential [ __ ] front. page of the LA Times we're just laying. here in our own blood just another two. young promising men covered in blood in. a stunning estate and they'll come in to. sell it they'll sell it while we lay. here while we breathe and grasp for air. well our carotid arteries are still you. know spitting blood they'll come right. in here and walk around our dead bodies.

and take a look at the view and they. should it's a circle of life Adele is. still fat. in my opinion she needs to get thinner. what if Adele what if it was like that. movie theater where a dog got thinner. and thinner every year until it was. uncomfortable what if Adele in six. months is just bones wouldn't that be. hilarious.

it's fun to see fat people get very very. thin and then thin people get very very. fat and people should do that people. should do that more and I mean where. it's scary on both ends like how great. would it be if Adele got bony and and. scarily thin like where everyone was. nervous remember how thin Calista. Flockhart was with Ally McBeal where her. waist was the size of a compact disc. and everybody was like is she gonna can.

this work have you ever seen someone so. thin were you like can this even work. you just see the blood shooting all. through their body their skin is. translucent it's like when you stuff a. sandwich into a small ziploc bag and it. doesn't fit that's the way their body. presents their skin is thin just hanging. on their bones they're all skin and. bones I wish that for Adele I would like. to see Adele thin thin thin where.

everybody got uncomfortable and then I. would like to see a very thin person and. I don't know who let's pick out a very. thin person someone who's very thin like. like they have a problem like yes but. maybe not public problem but when you. look at them you go god I want them to. get very fat Laura Dern's pretty thin.

Laura Dern's not that thin but I know. she is thin but I don't think she has a. problem but I'd like to see Dern fat I'd. like to see Laura Dern good example I'd. like to see Laura turn get so fat that. people were terrified of running into. her because they wouldn't know what to. do I like when people get so thin or. thoughts so fat that's just the thought. of bumping into them Mikula makes you.

have a panic attack cuz you don't know. what to do like if Adele got so thin. that you didn't know what to do anymore. you wanted to ask her if she had a rare. blood cancer which doesn't exist I mean. that's people gonna be so mad at this. episode because people are so stupid. yeah and people don't understand comedy. yeah so what they will do is they're. gonna they're gonna either send me. information that cancer exists right.

okay or they will then talk about why I. need to just watch plan Demick again I. don't care about plan Domecq it's a. clever. name what does it matter it would truly. if you want to go out go out go out. don't wear a mask do it do whatever you. want. let them arrest you let them be the bad.

guy you live your life to the extent. that you can live it don't want the. vaccine don't get the vaccine don't get. the chip buy a gun. stay [ __ ] alert pay attention to all. those things you should do but just. cocooning yourself in your [ __ ] on. your couch watching these [ __ ] hack. doctors on YouTube isn't and isn't an. answer people are sick people are dying.

is it a lot is it to man is the. mortality rate lower than it who knows. no one knows is a government line yes. yes cuz they always have been stop. sending me these [ __ ] doctors to like. well the mortality rate is lower than. good go out go bowling go get sloppy go. do something you want to do all these.

states are opening back up we're quit. you know we're heading back into it now. I get it. this quarantine is sucked it's been. frustrating but you're gonna come on the. other end of it with a renewed. appreciation for masturbating and not. talking to others get rid of your friend. group get rid of them you're gonna when. this quarantine opens you're gonna go.

out with a bunch of your friends ago I. want to be home whacking off yeah truly. yeah that's what's gonna happen cuz. you've realized that you don't need. people you really don't get the cereal. get digital get quick get quickly. acquainted with the digital sphere yes. it sucks but it's not going away put a. chip in yourself. how about that when they go to chip you.

already have I already [ __ ] have it I. got a better chip than you can chip me. with stop pretending like you're not. gonna like the chip a little you're. gonna show your friends the chip some. people gonna put a chip in their dick. they'll be like I chipped in my dick. you're gonna get two chip chips coming. yes it's gonna be it's yeah she won't. have any more freedom stop getting mad. at me I'm a clown starts ended playing.

demux other people that can do something. about it what [ __ ] me to do planned. Emek do you think I gotta find one. hundred thirty six thousand people and. integrate these dogs and cats but more. than that send them plan Demick who do I. [ __ ] have out there I perform it. [ __ ] slob houses you want me to do. you're not wrong you're not right either.

there is no wrong or right it's over. things making sense so when this. quarantine ends dress crazy we're a shoe. on your head like that guy vermin. supreme all bets are off now. you choose your future put a chip in. yourself I'm you know I'm cautiously.

optimistic about our potential when we. reopen I think that people will. potentially embrace the new economy. which of course will be everything that. happened will now just happen with 75%. of it not happening and I think that'll. be great I think people will enjoy being. 75 people in a comedy club that seats. 500 and strewn around the room and they. can barely hear each other and I think.

comedy will work I really do I think. comedy will work with a small handful of. people spread out in a large. room and I think that that should happen. as soon as possible I think that's. actually the best way to see comedy I. think comedy will happen I think should. be outside with masks and gloves. temperature Jack's yes I think that's. the best way to watch a comedian with a. mask on I think the best way to enjoy a.

restaurant experience is to have a. waitress dressed in a hazmat suit hand. you a brownie sundae it all makes sense. don't tell me it doesn't it's about time. to go back to the woods folks get the. guns go to the woods. keep the Wi-Fi until we can go back the. way we were it's pointless. it's pointless to do these half-measures. we either open or we don't we need to.

slowly open I understand that but the. experiences have to be something like. you kind of remember you know and. they're not gonna be so I'm not doing. clubs that are 25% full I'm waiting for. those gloves to be full I'm waiting for. people to feel comfortable going out for. people to come in and enjoy themselves I. will not be performing to only 75. psychopaths that are the first people in.

a comedy club I will say this again if. the first thing you do is attend a. comedy show you should have a chip put. in your head you should have ten chips. put in your [ __ ] head. if the first thing you do when. quarantine lifts is to go eat frozen. chicken fingers at a comedy club you. should be put in jail you [ __ ] loser. stay the [ __ ] out of the mall Jesus. Christ when they open the gate go.

somewhere else go to a [ __ ] comedy. club you're eating queso. get a [ __ ] purpose to be on this. planet please enough people keep asking. me what a comedy clubs gonna open here's. here's the answer who cares. truly who cares that's the answer.

there's 20 million people that don't. have [ __ ] jobs right now there's a. hundred million people not in labor. force and you want to know when the. chuckle hut will be open we do when do. you think we'll be able to see I don't. know I want to perform again but I'm. doing it here in a stunning a state I. will perform anywhere the people are. online I'm entertaining the people.

online if the people are in a club I'll. entertain them there I'm gonna do shows. when I come back I will do it shows. exclusively for the heroes I will do all. shows for the heroes only you will now. be allowed on my show of you're not a. hero period I'll be doing shows for the. people who work at door - grocery store.

employees first responders nurses. doctors the heroes only the ones that. have died only the dead heroes I'll be. performing for the the heroes that have. are deceased and I'll be paid I'll be. paid dearly. we will there will be no breaks on the.

ticket prices when we're back by the way. you'll pay and you'll pay dearly for. this entertainment okay I think we. should charge you more there will be no. if you come to my show you will not be. donating no proceeds of your ticket will. be going to anyone but me they will not. be going to a food bank. they might be going to they'll be going. to my bank don't you worry about it.

don't worry if you come to see Tim Dylan. you're not gonna walk out unknowingly. supporting nurses you're gonna pay me. and I'm gonna spend the money how I see. fit. okay don't worry about that I know. there's a lot of people that are. concerned right now if they come and. they buy a ticket to the Tim Dylan show. what's that gonna do he's not gonna put. food in the food bank the hell it will. the hell it will.

well here's the thing with food banks. why can't we just have post mates. deliver people food for free why do we. need a food bank with a long line it's. demoralizing don't we have the. technology you know to just deliver. people the food I'm asking you why is. this happening like a you're talking. like a food drive right where people go. door-to-door and just drop off bags of. crack yeah why aren't we doing that I. don't know I don't want to see the lines.

it's depressing yeah you know when you. see the long food line yeah it depresses. me you know why don't we have people. that can go to those families and kill. them humanely euthanize them why are we. not offering in this country euthanasia. right and I mean this very seriously why.

are we not offering to euthanize the. portion of the workforce. we're America we find a way to do it and. win we are America why are we not having. people show up to your home with a. needle and putting you to bed once and. for all could buy Sleeping Beauty why do. we make people suffer through the. indignities of going through. unemployment euthanize them is this not.

more humane do you know how hard. unemployment is I do because I look at. Facebook. and everyone on Facebook in New York. they're comedians and they're getting. unemployment I don't know what the [ __ ]. from because they didn't make any money. anyway but they're getting unemployment. they're like I spent 82 hours on hold. and then finally everybody who gets. unemployment to get it is some accident. to some accident happening like see like. I fell asleep I hit my head I had a.

concussion and I woke up in the middle. of the night and finally I was on the. phone with the person and it just went. through but why not why not use science. instead of figuring out a vaccine we. know how to kill people we don't need a. vaccine if we think smart we got to. lower the unemployment rate and we're. not gonna do it through people working. shall we go. so we got to figure out how best to.

euthanize people and children and. children we got the whole family units. gotta go because what a little Timmy and. Tommy and then Barbara and Mohamed and. laquanda I want to make sure I'm. representing all races what are all. those kids gonna do nothing nothing good. you know week why not and listen why not. return to I mean listen and they I'm not.

saying this is a joke what is inherently. wrong with child labor some form of. children working because if not we're. going to have to euthanize them because. otherwise they're just sitting around. you know I have ideas leukemia is not.

real it's kids that want attention and. many of them are pale get rid of them. I've had enough of them haven't you if. your kid and you don't have 10 million. followers on tik-tok we're coming for. you and you're going back to wherever. you came from. we can't support large amounts of people. that don't pull their weight which is. children in my head I feel like there's.

guys outside that wanted to do a home. invasion but are so entertained and and. fascinated by what's happening right now. they're just sitting there with loaded. guns waiting for me to finish so they. could come in here and shoot us in the. end but instead they're listening right. now to the Gospel as many of you are. because these are questions these are. real questions I want to know when the. important things about our society when. does karaoke come back when can.

disgusting middle-aged divorcees go. drown their sorrows and booze and sing. journey in a roadside bar when can. karaoke come back everybody has that. friend now that's asking when. something's coming back and it doesn't. need to happen at all you know do like. when's midnight bowling coming back you. know where they light up the lanes it's. like what is your life what is wrong.

when's midnight bowling when's when's. karaoke gonna come back when can you go. to that diner in New York City where the. waitress is saying shut up ah I'm. rooting for the virus call foul Chico. gates they're right Kip I'm all I'm. trying to [ __ ] knock it on this T. population agenda stop asking about. midnight bowling when's laser-tag gonna. come back.

there's always somebody running their. [ __ ] mouth about something that. doesn't need to come back all the good. things are things you can do for. yourself you know killing yourself using. drugs and alcohol stimulating your.

genitals you can do all of that yourself. foster a dog how about that foster a cat. why does it want foster a cat it's kind. of hilarious be kind of fun to people. foster cats they do but you can kind of. just get a cat you know it'll be funny. to foster a cat the idea of the cat the. cat has no attachment to you at all. right wouldn't just leave probably Oscar. tries to escape every day yeah. no one cares cats don't care about human.

beings they hate them that's what cats. the funniest animal they hate human. beings they're disgusted by human beings. the way they look at them they like why. why are you imprisoning me in your home. I ate you I genuinely hate you I like. cats watching Tiger King they're at. least like God it's just we're [ __ ]. all across the board huh doesn't matter. how big and powerful we are we're just. Nicolas Cage is gonna be in the new.

Tiger king movie snooze dude the real. Tiger King is much better you know I. mean it's gonna come out years from now. nobody's gonna care it was a moment we. all had a tiger King moment I've been in. every episode. it's a quarantine we're gonna have. things from white chicks are gonna be. like when this is over like white chicks. are gonna be like how was your car how. is your car. James learn Mandarin I just baked.

rosemary focaccia bread all day that we. just cashed on inheritance tax we got. our financial planner [ __ ] around with. our trusts give his little cash went out. to Palm Springs. that around stargazing we read through. this Airbnb because I hate my life and.

it's fun to pretend that I'm living. another life and you can get good deals. on Airbnb ease now but I'll have to. leave this Airbnb soon and go back to. the nightmare that I've created for. myself a nightmare that at least proves. entertaining from any view thank God. I'll participate. I'm getting very close to doing a zoom. comedy show let me tell you why let me. tell you why I want to have a breakdown. on a zoom comedy show no one's having.

breakdowns on the zoom [ __ ] why why are. you not having a breakdown on a digital. platform that it's I mean is there a. better way to have a breakdown I want to. get on one of these go what the [ __ ] is. this what are we doing what are we doing. are we that desperate for [ __ ] laughs.

that we're on a zoom what's great about. a virtual private network of VPN right. now is you can go on the internet and. not be tracked by the man you can also. get British Netflix right so if you want. to get like different programming from. all over the world a VPN will allow you. to do it. okay disguises your location it inhibits.

the totalitarian fascist government. structures from figuring out what you're. doing you can buy anything get out there. and you know have fun live it up VPN is. going to be extremely important because. all everything now is being tracked you. are being tracked there's going to be a. chip in your head but for right now a.

VPN is the way to go a lot of the people. that want to come on the show we. communicate with them through. P n because they are people at Whitney. web that are doing very important work. that want to send you things don't want. to be tracked writing great articles you. know you know so this is the reality. don't you like a VPN I use it all the. time isn't it great. yeah I can watch shows from Japan if I. want like spirited away it's really easy. to use what what what are you watching. spirited away what is that it's in the.

copy I don't know what it is are you. lying how are they gonna believe us if. you [ __ ] lie how are they gonna. believe us about the product when you. [ __ ] make up a show from Japan I. thought it was one of those anime things. you and your friends from [ __ ] Echo. Park like you [ __ ] lie to the. audience they trust you they trust you. and they trust your recommendations you. gonna say do you watch a show you don't. even watch apologize to them I'm very.

sorry guys you've been just lies. apparently all the time we don't know. this you just makes up shows I can watch. spirited away from Japan don't [ __ ]. listen to him I love British Netflix I. would never [ __ ] lie to you. I love UK Netflix [ __ ] every show on. there's grain i watch it oh it's great.

i watch [ __ ] is there bit is it big. boy that's good I like there that's cool. is there a bit of pie and it's about a. guy who comes in and he asks a woman if. there's a bit of pie and she has someone. they fall in love then there's um i. watch a show called drags it or beat it.

and which way you either have to go. bragh [ __ ] or you have to check off. these are all on British Netflix yeah so. watch that. but it's good listen it's fun to steal. things. that's really what it comes down to it's. fun to break in and stuff and steal. stuff so if you have a VPN you can steal. cuz you're not allowed to access these. different entertainment services and you.

can you can watch shows from all over. the world that's kind of fun you should. do it. you all go tracked by the government. what is the deal here what is the thing. just tell me what it is I don't want to. express VPN dot-com / Tim Dylan. expressvpn com / Tim Dylan if you need a. VPN and you enjoy my show this is the. way to support me and privacy if you. value privacy and freedom and like the. show this is the move right if you value.

privacy and freedom Express VP Express. VPM expressvpn if you want to watch. things from japan expressvpn you can. have anything buy drugs if you want if. you can handle them don't develop a. problem later in life expressvpn enjoy.

legal aged porn don't pee bad use the. VPN to watch British Netflix jingle it's. not it's truly not no it is not no it is. not if you listen back to it it's pretty. good. alright go do that folks how many how.

long have we done here we're at 50/50. use the restroom but I'll stick it out. for another 10 minutes because I care. about my audience you watch planned emic. again I know somebody could tell me. watch will you go to watch with him. if somebody told me hey thought you. created AIDS I go yeah that's not good. I mean a like at a certain point folks.

are certain when you know what I know. what do you what do you think who do you. think you're sending any of this to get. the archives kit on the patreon I've. been there done that yeah they're bad I. get it yeah they've done some naughty. things the rulers some of them are bad.

some of them are worse some of them are. good you know all I do I mean Ben I saw. this video of a monkey grabbing this. girl and dragging her away Ben told me. what did you tell me pedophiles are. training monkeys to kidnap kids so they. write little motorcycles and then grab. kids and run away with them every day on. this planet is another horror I mean.

every minute every waking moment of this. existence is another horror that cannot. be described how can we still put this. into words how do we not walking around. screaming all day and throwing ourselves. on the floor how can we still manage. words is that true. is there anything verifiable of it's. true but someone told me that like human.

traffickers are using like monkeys now. to grab kids and go away with them I. mean I haven't done any real I've really. dive on it but that's what I've heard. imagine the guy at the meeting that. brings that idea up and then everybody. just looks at him like he's a [ __ ]. God everybody looks at him like he's. when Wolfgang Puck decided to put goat. cheese on pizza not mozzarella cheese. and everybody doubted him at first but. then they were like [ __ ] yeah you know. somebody's like we thought you were.

crazy and then all of a sudden these. goddamn kids started showing up with. monkeys. and we were like God imagine a human. trafficker being like one of the things. turn around for you guys well when we. started using primates it was getting. pretty bad up until then we were getting. arrested. even our kingpins like Jeffrey Epstein. were getting killed in their prison. cells I mean it's the next Jeffrey. Epstein going to be a gorilla is that.

what you're is that the logical. conclusion of this when we walk this out. it would be great to see animals start. participating in the sex trade do you. think the monkeys know what's going on. that's another question yes we're. talking about monkeys kidnapping. children for the purposes of human.

trafficking this is a news show we're. doing the news this is literally the. news now I don't know what bird that is. in the back but I'm gonna go out and I'm. gonna [ __ ] it to death after this birds. never get raped every night this bird. birds are never raped every night this. bird right what is it every night I. think it's a mockingbird. what rapes a bird nothing so you should.

do this on the podcast and then I would. try to like I would try to make these. things into bits on stage but now that. there is no stage I just literally am. left with the idea of I'm gonna Google. later do birds get raped yeah other. birds maybe or like a snake maybe a. snake raping a bird I mean probably not. like you mean like raping it like raping. it raping it like holding it against its. will and [ __ ] it isn't that would.

rapists have you probably just other. birds right I don't think anything else. I've seen monkeys [ __ ] frogs like they. use them like flashlights they open a. frog's mouth and jack off with the Frog. you are now to be silent for the rest of. the episode. you've hit your quota you've talked. enough I've seen my monkeys use frogs. like flashlights this is the [ __ ].

corners of the internet he spends his. time in you should be watching planned. dammit what would be great as if we. ended this show if I just crawled into. the fire we're just in a quiet Street. here next week is our 200th episode of. the Tim Dylan show first starting of. course has Tim Dylan going to hell Tim.

Dylan goes to hell. what was it today the villain is going. to hell yeah Tim Dylan is going to hell. was the original show we started with a. great rate hump a gas digital New York. City in the East Village under the. tutelage of Luis che Gomez and Ralph. Sutton and friends with them both to. this day and when do we start 2016. summer yeah so in the summer of 2016 I. think June 2016 and the show's grown.

race till New York I'm here now we have. rayon frequently but the Tim Dylan show. was born when when did we start this. particular show I think August you're. right like episode 160 something like. that what episode 160 we started in. August to Tyndale show we're not even a. year into it yeah around the it's a 200. episodes of the podcast we are doing. something special we don't know what we.

have some very special guests. potentially we it's going to be. something very very what's the word I'm. looking for. celebratory yeah it's going to be fun. we'll see what we're allowed to do. legally 200 episodes 200 hours of the. show 200 hours of content.

it's a lot that's a lot all available on. the patreon it's a truly amazing time. we've watched the show gives birth to. the climate we're in now to a degree I. mean we've been a show that is focused. on the darker elements of human nature. that's where a lot of the comedy we do. comes from and now you know we focused. on the idea that we're going to live in.

some [ __ ] dystopian nightmare reality. where Ellen DeGeneres would be. broadcasting from her room and then we'd. all be in Marshall on well here we are. here we go tell them what they've won. that's that's it's been amazing I mean. the way the world has changed in the. last few years I mean would you have. believed it no no everything's like.

we're in physic we're on schedule yeah. that's what's really bad it actually. doesn't this is what's alarming to me. this is the craziest thing about this. whole period of time and maybe why I'm. less freaked out than everybody else it. feels exactly on schedule it feels like. exactly what was going to happen. happened and we're responding in the. ways that we are going to respond and. everything's moving along you know the.

way that you would expect it to move. along incompetent gross. you know desperate yeah to free-for-all. people just trying to collect the last. bit of money yeah you know that they. tried to do with some sex. this Jacob wool you know that kid who's. always pulling those tricks he's always.

trying to get people to accuse people of. sexual misconduct oh yeah yeah yeah him. and his in that guy Jack Burkman they're. like you know hucksters and wool and his. dad or like big Trump guys he was trying. to get somebody to. woman to claim that foul Chi like raped. her or something I mean every day it's. the same thing every year I mean every. week it's like the same it's the same. news cycle it's the same names it's the. same hucksters Candice Owens is in a. wall and I you know Whole Foods.

somebody's bothering her you know the. same people same things on Twitter you. know the same people on Twitter. complaining about the real problems. right now or gender expression same. things the dells fad now she stand it's. the same it's boy it's boring life has. gotten deadly and boring the real the.

real pandemic is boredom boredom with. the current climate of how we all relate. to each other and how we're all. manipulated all the [ __ ] time by the. same people at least give us new people. give us new leaders of the three-ring. circus we don't even have any of those. the same Trump and Pelosi and then AOC.

you know it's the same characters I want. to change the channel I want to watch a. different show you know it's it's all. predictable you could lay it all you. could guess the news next week with some. regularity yeah and you'd be right. you know Trump will do this he's gonna. do that this person is gonna do that. these people are gonna get mad. celebrities gonna do something out of. touch they're gonna seem ridiculous.

people are getting mad at them. somebody's gonna do that and then you. just end and round and round we go you. know but 200 episodes 200 episodes maybe. Johnny Gosch will come on the show how. great would that be. how great would be if Johnny Gosch came. on the show and he was like a. coronavirus truther will let Johnny tell. us the politicians who [ __ ] you and he. goes I want to talk about this fake.

virus and we're like but Johnny you have. the chance to really really crack open. this case and talk about it. he goes the real concern I have is foul. Chi I'm like ouchy it's the little. Italian guy here's the thing with people. I love that like nobody knew who found. she was 3 months ago now he's the. Antichrist. it's amazing how quickly people become. the Antichrist God I think the devil is.

kind of upset that like some [ __ ]. career career political hack in the. [ __ ] CDC's now the ante or whatever. the [ __ ] he does he's now the Antichrist. Satan's like get along I've been working. cultivating like this guy's a hack he's. an empty suit with a stethoscope and you. think he's the Antichrist you know and. I'm not defending I'm sure if out she's. dirty but like this whole idea that.

everybody's a symbol of utter eaat most. evil there's no nobody's there's no. gradations there's no [ __ ] you know I. like this pillow by the way it's it's. it's shows you luxury burn the pillow so. what what what can we do for 200. episodes we're gonna try to get some. really cool guests a compilation of.

people you know will probably be back in. the studio because we'll need that for. guests and we'll be out of this area. you know we thank you for listening if. you're a supporter of the show we. appreciate it we appreciate everybody on. patreon everybody who just listens to. the show if you can't afford patreon for. episodes a month we're always free you. know one Episode a week we appreciate. everybody that buys tickets to the live. stand-up shows that buys the merge which.

is still available the link is on insta. we get it it's tough times right now if. you can't buy any of that don't worry. they'll still be a shitload of free. entertainment videos YouTube things like. that if you want to pay you'll get more. it's all about what you can do what you. can't do. it's a comedy show it should make you. laugh it should be funny it should. occasionally make you think you know you. know this is not medical advice show. should go without saying but it doesn't.

now does it. you know people people message me there. why don't you go into the gene. sequencing what I mean you know this is. where comedy is it's happening right. here it'll eventually happen on a stage. again and then we'll do it there we'll. do it there cuz we're not gonna go legit. can't get real jobs you've gone too far. down the river gone too far down the. river 200 [ __ ] hours of talking that. is a lot of [ __ ] talking and then if.

you got to add all the patreon episodes. - yeah a lot of talking man how many. episodes do you think we've done on. patreon would you guess around we've. done exactly 46 ok so it's like 246. hours of content yeah you know Wow. wild you know and are all of those. episodes available on patreon are now. 246 yeah yeah well almost right it.

should be like 170 because some are free. you know God the regular horse ride on. YouTube of course subscribe to the. YouTube channel if you are listening to. this Tim Dylan show on YouTube subscribe. you know some people enjoy watching the. show some people enjoy listening doesn't. matter it's the only thing that matters. is that you realize the strep throat.

it's not real it's your kid trying to. get out of school conjunctivitis isn't. real smack them send them back out I. hope when we all go back out this would. be the greatest thing ever we all go. back out and we everybody goes back out. would you start doing the things we used.

to do and then we look at everybody. we're like like literally in the middle. of like a dinner everyone's got drinks. and we're all eating or all happy to be. together and then like in the middle of. dinner we just say very casually like we. don't we're not even angry but would you. say very casually we kind of look at. each other we're like I hate you like. this is funny and we will start giggling. and we're like why are you laughing I. kind of hate you and you I also hate you. like I didn't miss you at all. this is horrible you know I think we.

just keep chewing on chicken wings it. doesn't matter we just keep talking and. you know going on about our day but I. wish everybody here health I was your. happiness I wish you wealth I wish you a. stunning a steak I wish you all of the. tools you need I'd love to get that.

woman Judy Miss commits whatever name is. from planned a makan oh I have her name. right here let's see yeah Judy Mick of. its McMicken it's dr. Judy mega Vince. dr. Mick Yvette's what a [ __ ] name. can't take somebody seriously Mick of. its and foul she sounds like a [ __ ]. vaudevillian comedy duo I'm going to see. mega vitsin foul Qi hilarious yeah. they're [ __ ] hilarious tease do you.

know she went home she's all drunk she. look a kid she's like Anthony found she. is it tango [ __ ] [ __ ] and if he. opens his mouth and tries to talk over. me one more time I'm gonna [ __ ] cut. his little [ __ ] [ __ ]. like good night folks.