#198 - I'm A Hero | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the Tim. Dylan show my red nose is because I got. a sunburn it is not an indication of a. relapse on alcohol even though that. would be called for given the news. I think nobody could really blame me if. I decided to throw a decade of sobriety. away in the current climate I'm not. doing that however you know so it's a. Sun burn that's what it is.

I was out today in a beach town in Los. Angeles and Manhattan Beach and I was. with a friend and we're walking around. and here's the deal in that with the. face masks you know we're all wearing. his chin straps because nobody wants to. put them over their face cuz they're. disgusting I mean they're gross you. breathe in them it's what are we doing. you can't get air see when you wear the. face mask you can't breathe it's 90.

degrees so not breathing shouldn't be. part of the strategy to help the. sickness I understand in situations when. you're around people is the right thing. to do so I have it just so I could slip. it up if I need be if someone walking by. me looks particularly panicked or I have. to run into a grocer grocery store I. have that I put the mask up but. everybody you know I Manhattan Beach.

people are not wearing masks. some people are jogging they're on bikes. here's the thing with the lockdown out. here in Cali it's busting at the seams I. mean people are on the road people are. out there going to the beach people want. out man they've been in their house it. is beautiful weather people spend a lot. of money to live here and they've had. enough does it mean coronaviruses fake.

doesn't mean it won't kill you if you. get it doesn't mean that it's not. serious if you get it but people have. had enough domestic violence. is skyrocketing people are just which. I'm somewhat surprised I thought being a. domestic abuser was somewhat a fixed. personality trait like if you beat your. kids you beat your kids. it wasn't contingent upon them being.

home more or less like if you hit your. wife you found time to hit your wife. that's what I thought literally that's. what I believed I had no everyone's like. domestic violence is skyrocketing I was. like why I guess people are becoming. domestic abusers during this period of. time I guess stresses are running high. the kids are around and I guess what. happens is every day day in day out the.

nagging of the wife the the disrespect. of the kid after a while you start going. I start seeing the real you know limit. of words you start wondering you start. saying yourself you know words are. really not what I need at the moment I. need to give somebody a little reminder. who the boss says now it's not right but. that's happening and it's happening at a. startling how much domestic abuse is.

going up it's odd I thought if you were. that guy you were that guy I guess maybe. it's that guy beating them more and. woman too I don't want to be I I want to. be inclusive. there are women also beating their. children and probably beating their [ __ ]. husbands and maybe beating their wives I. don't I don't want anyone not I don't. want anyone listening to the show to. think I'm saying that domestic violence.

is primarily a man's thing there's tons. of proud women that also engage in just. flogging their family beating the blood. out of their family when things don't go. the way they want. so don't for a minute think I'm only but. it's largely male right I mean there I'm. sure that that's and that's going up. people are upset about that. domestic flights that's the big. conversation they're like the economy.

that's the thing they always bring up to. like the economy we're heading towards. Great Depression all true by the way. all true I know I you want me to be. positive on the program and I've you. know you know I'll tell you about I had. a good burger today we'll get into that. later it's not all bad but we are. looking at I mean the statistics are not. favorable right so for me to say that I. would be you know lying it's other than.

the economy people you know when we talk. about the cost of the lock down people. bring up suicide and domestic violence. and suicide goes up and I get that. suicide goes up and then also domestic. violence is going to just and this is. when you talk with people they go they. got job they go domestic violence is. going to occur and I'm like are you. hitting your Chile. what are you confessing to me but I.

guess that's what happens I'm not. doubting it to lockdown in the beginning. I understood hey it's a new virus we. don't know what the [ __ ] going on I. still understand it I still it dude New. York is being ravaged and if you don't. know people in New York you're not. talking to people in New York you're. you're unaware of what's going on. there's people dying you know just like. 23 year olds dying and then people go on. my facebook but that person at a. pre-existing could do it and I'm like.

you 600 pounds you're on Facebook you. are a pre-existing condition what are. you talking about I got fat people. saying yeah well that guys probably how. do I beat you what so the idea though. the country is full of pre-existing. conditions you can disagree with the. lockdown or say we overreacted or say. that there's a better way without being. a complete idiot and not realizing that.

there's people that are in body bags. okay but let's be on. roll roll setup roll getting a little. sick of it and we're busting at the. seams people are out in the beginning. you know human nature is funny because. in the beginning I understand. then cuz my whole thing was like hey.

morally I don't want to in fact somebody. else that's an older person I perform. with a lot of people that are decades. older than me I don't want to infect. somebody that is diabetic or somebody. that's vulnerable or has MS or and kill. somebody because I'm gonna I'm an idiot. and I need to be out eating a Pokeball I. felt like that was that's a character. issue you know take a chill pill do some. Netflix calm down but then you know this.

goes on and on and on and you're like. what the [ __ ] are we gonna do people are. running out of money they gave you. $1,200 there's no money left there's no. money anyway there's no money on the. outside we're gonna find that out soon. too but let's that's let's wait a few. weeks for that episode everyone's like. open it up it's like okay we'll see but. people are are and and the thing with. human nature is human nature is funny. you know whenever you give people the.

the smallest idea that they're doing. something altruistic or or that they're. doing something for the greater good. they will literally justify any stay. that's when they'll just go and commit a. genocide if they think that they are. doing something that's for the good of. society and you just give them that you. go do this and police each other rat on. each other turn into citizen informants. turn into brown shirts run around like.

the Stasi yelling at kids on skateboards. and pointing to people's faces it go. where it's your mask those are the. people that put you in the camp they are. those are the people that throw you in a. camp and and that's what you're seeing. human nature goes there within a few. weeks within a few weeks. people were relish. their new roles as the enforcers of the. quarantine they were calling the police. on their neighbors they were yelling at.

children who were standing too close to. each other there were just anybody that. was having any public enjoyment out. there in the world they were gonna go. and try to rob them of that and now I am. running today I run with a cop running. with a cop and I'm starting to notice. that the police now after 911 everybody. got really important doormen in. buildings in New York thought they were.

part of the Homeland Security Department. everybody thought they were important. just like you know now with the. essential worker and everybody's a hero. thank - he writes eight o'clock the hero. thank you who the heroes again we don't. even know the doctors did it make it 300. grand a year the nurse is the guide Home. Depot - well who's the hero door - never. the hero am ia hero can I be here I love. my house today can I be a hero hey I. went to Home Depot I bought something. can I be hero I go to the grocery store.

who's a hero we don't know who's a hero. anymore I get it the nurses are working. hard I bought you food enough the point. is this the heroes are getting a little. out of control now they're getting out. of hand to hear it calling people heroes. apparently does something that's not. really that positive that's why you. never call your kids heroes cuz they. turn into monsters if your son or. daughter does something good you don't. sit down and go you're a hero.

you don't say that do you no you say. good job Bobby. good job you shared with your sister you. don't go you're a hero because then. Bobby would turn around if I hey I'm a. [ __ ] I'm a hero mom I shared with her. and it's like well no Bobby that's what. you should do no I'm a hero I mean so. the tick-tocks and I get it to blow off. steam but it's highly inappropriate. highly inappropriate wildly. inappropriate to blow off steam and many.

nurses agree with me many of them there. are guests at the behavior of some of. these nurses. and and I'll say it again to delivery. people that are not getting the food to. the homes in time are not behaving in a. heroic manner door - is not behaving in. a heroic matter they're not so the. reality is we got to be a little careful.

that word cuz we throw it around we. throw it around after 9/11 every cop and. firefighter was a hero every cop and. then they started choking black people. out because they were having cigarettes. industry so let's be careful with the. word hero there are real heroes but it's. an individual thing you know when you. brand everyone in here everyone's a hero. that's you know so I bumped into one of. those heroes today in Manhattan Beach.

one of the heroes out there on a go-cart. being being heroic on his little go. carton guarding Manhattan Beach guarding. the wealthy hamlet of Manhattan Beach. California okay whose biggest crime is. when a seagull bothers someone like.

Manhattan Beach they would they file a. report for like an aggressive seagull. that's that's the type of community this. is okay a [ __ ] Shack in Manhattan. Beach is six million dollars okay now I. like Manhattan Beach because I like. wealthy Hamlet's that I cannot be. legally kept out of which is Manhattan. Beach I they have to let me come there I. patronize the restaurants I know the.

owners of the restaurants there's a lot. the best seafood restaurant in LA is. immanent Beach it's called fishing with. dynamite we go there all the time and I. and I they have another restaurant down. there and I hunted it I hunt III hunted. them down and I kind of walked into. their other rest. and I was like what's hey when's the. other one opening and they were like it. one lady was British it's coming soon I. was like good and I guy got food from. their sister restaurant for fishing with.

Dynamite's great and so I'm in Manhattan. Beach and there is no cars on the road. um and I'm with a friend of mine there's. no cars on the road and there's a. there's a red hand signal that you. shouldn't cross the street which applies. when there are cars rules and laws are. our conditional you know they they they. are they're there to govern I said when. when you have a quarantine and no one's.

really out driving in that particular. area at that time it's not essential for. me to follow this rule it's a stupid. rule but but I you know that's why I'm. not here oh I'm not here oh because I I. made a real-time judgment call to walk. across the street and I hear Oh a man. who's standing beside standing between. me and the breakdown of the civil order. decided to come up to me and his go-kart.

or whatever he's [ __ ] driving around. in and he's like you know what he looked. like the way cops look would like the. flat top hair I mean you know just you. know the guy that just just barely got. the job on the foots why he doesn't have. a car that's why he's in the go-cart. he's extra angry he's gotta [ __ ] be. tough he's that guy. you know so he goes water your door and.

I'm like I'm crossing the street I'm. crossing the street and he sucked good. points to the [ __ ] he's a good. Neanderthal he points to the [ __ ] red. you know I'm dealing with this monster. so he points to the red day and I go. yeah I know but there's no cars and he. goes wolves were rules that's what he. says he goes rules are rules and then he.

goes go back to the other side of the. street I'm like what really. and he made me walk back to the other. side of the street I was on and stand. there and then wait and then he was. sizing me up giving me that weird look. like am I gonna put this guy in jail. or not and it's like this is the type of. attitude that these people have because. we we now call everybody's a hero and. we've we've decided that they are they. are standing between us and the. breakdown of civil society and that they.

are they are now and they become brown. shirts very quickly they it's just in. their nature do they love every cop I. every guy I know that became a cop is. somebody who just loves he's either Celt. they're insecure people not all of them. but a lot of them are there's great cops. out there are really good detectives but. there's there's an element of the police. force which stems from deep insecurity I. know a lot of guys were like gonna be. like big athletes and then Twitter and. rotator-cuff another drive around Penn.

Station and the little go-cart thing and. they're cops and like they're not happy. they're not happy that's not the way. they wanted like to work out doesn't. mean they're necessarily bad cops but. they're dicks and when they could be a. dick to you they're a [ __ ] dick okay. and this goes being a dick and you know. what I was trying to [ __ ] do I was. going to the Manhattan Beach Creamery. the ice cream shop to find out what. flavors were vegan and kido. that's what I was doing because I wanted. to bring ice cream to the nurses and the. doctors that's what I was doing I bought. a lot of ice before the nurses and the. doctors and then I realized it was.

melting because it was 90 degrees I had. to eat it but I it was for the ER it was. for the heroes it was for the heroes the. popsicles were for the heroes and this. douche bag in his go-kart patrolling. Manhattan B I just I can see something. happening that's not good I can feel it. I can feel it in the scowls of the. people when someone doesn't have a mask.

I can feel it you know the old has been. turned against the young now you know I. look 17 I'm 35 but I look like a. teenager I present like a healthy Tina. so I am getting scowls from people. because they're like you're flaunting. health privilege is gonna be next by the. way it was white privilege was male. privilege health privilege is coming get.

ready for that if you're not 600 pounds. with 19 problems you're gonna be an. issue you're gonna be an issue. don't you come here do you have gangrene. on your foot then do shut your mouth I. only want to hear people wear tumors are. growing inside them as we speak that's. what's happening next that's gonna be. the new form of identity politics it'll.

be as somebody on stage talking about. that they have 19 to murrs that's gonna. be the new version of Nanette I've got a. tumor I've got 14 tumors. they're called comorbidities they're. pre-existing that's the new it'll be. called pre-existing and and listen I. could be dead in a week from this virus. or a host of other things so I'm not I'm. not saying that this [ __ ] isn't serious. you shouldn't take it seriously but like.

let the kids skateboard let him go to. the beach. maybe they don't live with all people a. lot of kids live with elderly people you. some of them don't some of them don't. listen man I don't know the best way. forward I said before I'm like if we. fling the doors open maybe there is a. lot of bloodshed and carnage I don't. know but this idea that we're gonna. close every public space and and force. people to not be the mental health. effects of telling people that can't be. in nature and they can't be in places.

that genuinely calm them down and make. them better and they can't exercise and. they can't do things like that for years. what's the plan do you know bad domestic. violence's that's it's bad people are. whaling on their kids and their wife and. the MOA stations are going up is that. what they say you would think that's. another fixed personality trait.

you would think that that's a IIIi would. think there's not too many people I. guess there's guys sitting around on. their couch going I'm gonna [ __ ] my. family if this doesn't end in a week I'm. gonna really get in everybody's [ __ ]. ass literally if this does not end in a. week there's guys looking at gavin. newsom and you're like you better lift. these restrictions cuz I'm about to go. room to room in this house with my dick. out I've never thought about it before. but I'm gonna start beating and. molesting my family if I cannot go out.

and have a sit-down meal I want to sit. down and be served if not everybody's. getting raped in this family you would. think that that you think that's a fixed. personality trait apparently so much is. up for grabs in this in this environment. I didn't know that harrowing haunting. haunting but I don't like the direction.

it's going in I don't like the direction. burgers are going in calm down with the. burgers the gourmet burger we got it we. got to put the brakes on it I had a. burger today which was good but the. caramelized onions and the smoky. Chipotle and there's nothing better than. a than a grizzly burger off a [ __ ].

grill in the backyard with a slice of. American yellow cheese on a little. potato bun a little bit of ketchup. there's nothing better than that. while toweling yourself off because you. just swam in a pool and you're sitting. there and you got the grass under your. feet you're just eating a burger and. maybe somebody else's yard you didn't. pay for anything you know because you. live in hell you don't have a setup like. this but you've made a friend you can.

pretend it's your life for a few hours. on a Sunday that's great you don't you. don't need all the accoutrements you got. to calm down. there's nothing better than and that's. coming back the house parties are coming. back the summer barbecues are coming. back because people I don't think are. gonna be going out this summer the way. that they were people are going to be. you know they're gonna be in smaller. groups it's it's the summer to get a.

friend get a friend many of you are. [ __ ]. get a [ __ ] friend get an idea get a. clue I would start [ __ ] looking at. that face but start scrolling that. Facebook where's the pool start. messaging people you have not spoke to. in six years it does not matter just say. I just want I want to know if. coronavirus has affected your family and.

I and I just wanted to pray for you I. just wanted to pray for you whatever you. have to say to get in their good graces. you better do it you got two [ __ ]. months you got two months before it's. you know it's go time. you know this episode of the Tim Dillon. show is brought to you by sheath. underwear that's right sheath underwear. what makes she's underwear different. it's simple sheath underwear has a. special two pouch compartment that keeps.

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get an extra three months if expressvpn. for free listen it is a good idea right. now you're being tracked wherever you. are online so if VPN a lot of people use. it because they just don't want to be. tracked I don't really care about being. tracked I mean I should care but I just. don't you know everything like Google is. like I just hit someone from GrubHub. what what does that mean I asked what. does that mean I have like you know.

what's that word with the e to crisis. what I'm thinking about it's like hey. I'm having a it's like a you a crisis of. who you are and everything existential. crisis so after I hit someone from doing. that. I just fought with someone physically. from door - what does that mean. but VPN you know you get it you get it. it protects your privacy it's so. important it's so important to protect.

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did you coughed did you sneeze did just. that fall all the security stuffs coming. to the verge of the VPNs man they're all. gonna be insane. important it disguises where you are the. government doesn't know and a lot of. cool journalist that we've had on the. show use them support the show watch. what you want we'll do it on the show. will get for the next ad will use this. and will will get a fun show will get. like a fun but I don't want like Doctor. Who or anime I want like I wanna watch I.

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it's better than nothing a lot of people. making making adjustments Ben was gonna. have a wedding bended to chose not to. have his wedding when was the date of. your wedding. April 25th so Ben chose to surrender his. civil rights and not have his wedding. and it was in the state of Texas he. could have showed up with his fiance and. guns because they you know they're. really only accountable to the Lord but. he chose them now he doesn't get a. wedding present because of that and you.

understand why right now you've. explained to me I've explained it to but. now other people have sent in your. wedding present I have yeah most have. most I mean mo mo most most people are. animals like they crawl no you don't get. a wedding present without a wedding it's. not the way it works you don't get a. birthday present without a birthday you. don't get a graduation present without a. [ __ ] graduation party and and by the. way if if if you know they're doing a.

new show did you hear this by the way. did you hear this because I'm convinced. now and I almost think this is hilarious. I think the big studio heads and the. people that are making decisions in. Hollywood are show Republican or. conservative behind the scenes that the. new things are doing or they're almost. trolling with the new shows that they. are. coming up with go to the Hollywood. Reporter's Twitter I love this new show. that is coming out is if if the Trump. campaign wanted an ad a perfect ad keep.

going down you'll find it if they wanted. an ad it would be this show it would be. this show. it absolutely is up here it is now keep. going down I mean it's one of those. things where it is it's like the. imagined video but a show it's like. somebody who watched the imagined video. and said you know what what if this. could happen every week. I mean it's so [ __ ] crazy how much.

does The Hollywood Reporter tweet yeah. we're like 10 hours in the timeline here. with 10 hours in the timeline this. [ __ ] some Hollywood shut down how I. mean how much can they [ __ ] tweet what. the five mean dude this is who runs a. Hollywood Reporter's Twitter account. somebody on cocaine of course somebody. doing blow alright so here we go this is. the the Trump campaign out here listen. to this. Fox Fox makes you think Fox is greenlit.

ten episodes of an unscripted series. called celebrity watch party which as. its name implies will feature famous. people in their homes discussing the. biggest shows and news events on TV in. the past week I mean are you [ __ ]. insane are you [ __ ] insane we are in.

a pandemic we've got 30 million people. unemployed we're on the [ __ ] brink of. a great depression and you're going to. have a show where celebrities sit in. their mansions and discuss the news of. the day are you do you want Trump to. ever be out of office I mean do you just. want Trump to become Putin and just not. leave because that's where we're.

celebrity watch party is set to premiere. May 7th with its debut episode featuring. Rob. low meghan trainor Joe Buck Raven Symone. master pian Romeo Joe Josie WA Steve. Wozniak Curtis Stone Robert and Kim hurt. her Java core Javik I'm gonna give money. to Candice Owen soon do you mean do you. understand where I'm at now.

I'm very very close just giving serious. money to Candice Owens and bringing her. on this program listen to this studio. lampert CEO Stephen Lambert limp air. whatever we're delighted so many famous. people love the idea of this show and. want to be a part of it it's a show. which asserts the indispensable role of. TV in the fabric of people's lives. and the way it's at the heart of the.

nation's weekly conversations especially. in these unusual times huh it asserts. the indispensable role of TV in the. fabric of people's lives. what and the way it's at the heart of. the nation that these people are so. [ __ ] out of it that they think people. give a [ __ ] about what Raven Symone has.

to say about the [ __ ] kovat 19 is. anyone sitting at home going what is. Meghan Trainor have to say hey where's. Rob Lowe on ventilators hey hey where's. master P on REM des aveer does anyone. know if master P and Romeo have anything. to say about hydroxychloroquine what. about celebrity chef Curtis Stone does.

he have an idea. what does Curtis Stone think about. Biden's sexual accuser terrine hey Steve. Wozniak you think BA you think Biden put. a finger in what the [ __ ] is wrong they. I mean so what is the show dude there. might have been a high-level Illuminati. meeting in ha. with that said listen if Trump's not. reelected we have nothing I mean dude. there I'm not even [ __ ] kidding there. might have been a high-level Illuminati.

meeting in Hollywood where they went. everything has gone up since he's been. elected and everything was failing. before that including Twitter SNL news. programs comedy programs lots of a late. night shows Colbert lots of our landmark. properties they've all grown. tremendously in the era of Trump he. cannot lose if Biden comes in we're. [ __ ]. we need Trump to win and they're all. sitting there and they're you know it's.

some some bel-air mansion they're all. sitting there they're smoking cigars or. whatever in there they're looking at. each other and they're like how do we. how do we guarantee the Trump wins again. and they go what if what if there was a. show where Raven Symone talked about. coronavirus from a mansion with like Rob. Lowe and and Master P and just. celebrities like you're like what if. every week we went to a celebrity's home. and a state and then film them on their.

couch discussing the news of the day and. they're all like you're all kind of like. you know sniff there's a brandy they're. like this is kind of a good idea they're. like but we need them to talk about more. than pop culture like you have to talk. about the news yes and then one guy goes. and they don't know anything about the. news but they'll have a bunch of. offensive opinions yes and we need them. without any of their handlers we can't. really be scripted they need to have. just crazy off-the-cuff takes and half. makes sense they have to be annoyingly.

liberal and completely out of touch and. if we do that week after week we can. pretty much guarantee that Donald walks. right back into that office and we sit. right back I'm telling you right now I'm. telling you right now I know this is. conspiracy thinking but I'm not that. wrong this doesn't make sense this show. does not make sense this is crazy this. is genuinely crazy and something is. behind this. if it's a brilliant Republican mole in.

[ __ ] one of these networks. Bravo hats off because I didn't even see. the show yet I read the description The. Hollywood Reporter and I'm about to give. I'm about to take all the money out of. my bank account and give it to Kansas. Owens I'm about to give the money and. sponsor a Candace Owens goes on tour. calling the virus fake after after. seeing this [ __ ] thing they don't. learn these people they don't learn Bush. George W Bush learned he paints silently.

in his house in Texas and he just chills. and every now and then he pops up with. Ellen somewhere uh at a you know a. football stadium you know while he's. passing a message along to her from. whatever the [ __ ] those two were. involved in I mean I'm telling you right. now folks something real weird about a. show like that kind of interesting TV's.

not at the heart of anyone's [ __ ]. life can you stop the fabric of their. life it's not everybody's online now. everybody watches everything on [ __ ]. YouTube yes occasionally people watch. the masked singer and shows like that. yes TV has more resonance than I would. expect in Middle America but the. majority of people are online it's very. funny to think about it's very very. interesting you know but you know we.

move on we move on folks to to bigger. and better things to greater things you. know we will we will all make it through. this and by all of us I mean 18% of us. roughly eighteen to twenty percent we. can't really tease the thing we're gonna. maybe launch right we can't do that huh. no okay good good but I didn't want to.

get into this Jim I did want to talk. about a few other things I mean that. that Hollywood sure I mean that's at MIT. that's just simply amazing to. but that's what happens you know I mean. this is what happens what people don't. learn their lesson it's just it's just. like fat people fat people don't learn. there let's why they stay fat it's just. you don't learn your lesson as a fat. person I can speak from authority on. that is you don't learn your fat people.

don't learn their lesson fat people. don't get to have control they don't get. to make choices any and I've said I. talked about this before on the show. know every diet to market yourself to. fat people that's like it's your choice. and there's so many choice it's like no. fat people are fat because they make the. wrong choices take away their power of. choice they should get no choice you. know who had no choice the kids that. worked in work houses and they ate gruel.

none of them were fat because they. didn't have a bountiful harvest of. choices we don't need an America we have. this bountiful harvest you know if. people are say to me the other day. they're like why is art like why is so. much of it garbage and it's like well. how much great art comes out of a. country with 400 kinds of cheesecake how. deep are people really digging in. themselves when there's 400 kinds of. cheesecake you can name a hundred kinds. of cheesecake off the top of your head.

right now if you had if you had to write. down seventy kinds of cheesecake 80. kinds of cheesecake it would take maybe. ten minutes and you could write it down. easily easily okay you could barely name. one healthcare company you'd be like. Blue Cross Blue Shield and then they'd. be like okay and then you'd be like ah. but you can name Stephanie Khadijah so.

yeah it's like how much arts really. gonna have you even been to anything in. quarantine I watched the Americans which. is a great show which again made by. action any that yeah well it's made by. accident everything good in this country. happens by accident it's made by. accident they everything should be santa. clarita diet like everything in this. country should be a show about zombies. where people have which straight faces. have to say this is a show about. drew barrymore eating clams from Serbia.

and turning into a zombie and eating. people in her neighborhood that's what. every show in this country should be but. occasionally by accident they make the. Sopranos or the wire or breaking bed but. it's it's primarily santa clarita diet. which is about a zombie who eats people. in Santa Clarita California that's the. show and I even watch some of it you. know and I watch them a bit and some of. it wasn't horrible it was kind of a fun.

I'm not saying every show has to be good. but that's where the majority of things. are they just they take an idea and they. just dumb it down because they're the. Hollywoods opinion of Americans and. they're not all wrong but Hollywood's. opinions of Americans are like shapeless. blobs that can't really move and can't. really speak and just kind of sit in. couches and go like this yeah like.

that's what Hollywood thinks Americans. are just shapeless beast people that. just eat like frozen food in the. container they don't even heat it up in. their microwave they just start gnawing. on it they just eat fast food. hollywood's american viewer is a 600. pound shapeless mass of flesh sitting in. a throne made of fast-food wrappers with. a [ __ ] maggot on that's what. Hollywood thinks everyone in America is.

so they go what will be interesting for. them oh let's do a show bad sound did. they like eating then they're like well. the word diets in the title that'll turn. some of them off you know but we as soon. as as soon as we can convey to them that. it's about eating people that's my santa. clarita diet all of the things about it. were like a hand in a mulch orsa because. then people like oh this is it a show. about eating cucumbers it's about people. eating each other I'll watch that have.

you been binging anything during the. quarantine that's that's been good I got. into better call Saul and you said it's. as good as Breaking Bad now that. most people would disagree with you but. I'm I told you I'm like on the 13th. episode you said it starts to fall off. but Bob Odenkirk is very good I do like. the shows what do you think he's giving. you a job he is great he's great. no he's not giving me a job giving. anyone a job I lunched with the guy runs. his production company thanks for the. lunch by the way appreciated that it's.

good you know it's one of those lunches. in LA they go yeah well uh good luck. with every it's nice I get it I get it. I have a lot of lunches people go. because I think people like the idea of. me. yeah so they want to go out with me and. talk about ideas it'll you know it just. is what it is and then when it's time to. like actually do a thing they go no no. no no that's art because I might say. something funny that's the biggest. problem in my career is that I wasn't. asked to do any of these coronavirus.

benefits by the way listened to what I. was gonna do this is funny. all of these cron of it they asked. Norman they have Sam Morril great comics. but they don't ask me ah now here's. what's fun this is guys do you see the. humor in this I get asked to do the. coronavirus benefit and my bit because I. don't believe this but my bit my. reoccurring bit is that I think the. virus is fake and I think the nurses are. actors and I keep bringing that up. during the benefit and I keep suggesting.

that we storm the hospital with weapons. now as a bit because I'm a comedian. that's hilarious. that is it is hilarious to go say. something heartfelt your your celebrity. comedian say something heartfelt about. why we should support the coronavirus. people and I'm gonna tell you why my. idea would have been great and they. missed out on what could have been a. great bet I've seen a lot of stories on. the internet about nurses their faces. have welts and sores on them from the.

mass they're working 18-hour shifts. they're very tired we need to reach out. to these people and provide support and. this time of need I appreciate that I. think we have to really start asking the. tough questions about this disease and. about those marks on their faces. specifically and where those marks came. from and if those marks could have come. from makeup. so I know that a lot of people are. donating tonight to help the nurses and. the doctors but I just want to ask you a.

question I want to ask you a question. out there if this is a real pandemic and. people are really sick why do I Drive by. hospitals and not see bodies burning on. the street it would have been it would. have been a lot of fun but of course no. one can have any fun right nobody can. have any fun anymore all we have is fun. folks the economy is just fun that's all. that's left is being a goof folks how.

many times how many times have I told. you that your life can change it doesn't. have to be this way you don't have to be. that loser you see in the mirror you can. be a winner you have to stop losing and. start winning you have to hustle you.

have to grind you have to kill it but. most importantly you have to crush it. are you crushing it are you killing it. as our friend mr. Van your Chuck would. say maybe you don't because you don't. have a ridge wallet the ridge wallet is. at minimal front pocket wall that's. designed to streamline what you carry. every day very easy to sanitize it's a.

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of them it didn't use the [ __ ] promo. code because everyone in my family tries. to destroy me at every moment okay but. they've they've been unsuccessful. because I've canceled or canceled your. family tour back 2027 wait for it I'm a. monster. amidst the fires of a fallen world can't. see family tour will be back isn't that. good how totally wrong was the name of. my tour cancer your family than a. disease literally cancels your family.

it's like my next tour is gonna be. called oops get 10% off today folks. ships all over the world we got fans in. every country don't we Ben dare we do. yeah good I mean this Ben uses a ridge. wallet we both do. I don't really use a wallet I'm above a. wallet a little due respect I have. people wire I have a wire is happening I. have people wiring money from the Cayman.

Islands. I have bank accounts on small islands I. don't need a wallet I don't do cash I am. - debit cards I have assistants I've. personal I have everything. I'm um I am a multi-trillion and what's. above trillion look at what's about. chillin is it zillion or the gazillion. it zillion Orange quadrillion what is.

zillion find zillion for me now because. that's what I am. Cillian isn't fake a zillion a number. I think it's fictitious did I just get. outed on the show for everyone no yeah. it doesn't exist.

[ __ ] all right I don't really I don't. have anything but I'll have more you get. the rich wallet I thought I I thought. it's gonna say I was ill Ian Ayre I. thought it was a number but it's. actually not I should have said. quadrillion doc you got snot coming out. of your nose through this carpet makes. my nose run. maybe it's the [ __ ] covetous coursing. through your body you [ __ ] carrier.

halfway through every episode my nose. just right now it's the woods two rug. when you get it cleaned it's like the. line for the Albert Brooks wouldn't we. need to the music we need to get a cream. he goes by we you mean me right he's. great I'm [ __ ] the ridge wallet you. know so go to Ridge comm slash Tim use. the code TI m link in description it's a. great wallet it's easy to sanitize and. I'm telling you 100% it's a great thing. you you need to simplify it's a [ __ ].

pandemic you can't be too complicating. your life you need a wallet you can. easily just sanitize you know what I. mean it really is I'm telling you right. now it's actually a good buy and it's. actually a smart buy right now so rich. calm slash Tim and use cote IM link. description remember to use the code. thank you. you know the other thing is like you're. gonna now they're gonna have this. celebrities give the kids graduations be. by the way here's the thing with the. graduation speeches folks there's never. been a time in our society where the. graduation speech is meant less okay.

information is everywhere if your kid. wants information they can get it. informations been democratized college. is kind of a scam now like there's. definitely a more cost-effective way to. do college but the idea of like somebody. like what like the people that are. giving these kids like commencement. speeches are like jimmy fallon.

and Alan it's like and like the CEOs of. companies it's like guys that's not. gonna help you out right now we're. heading towards a world that's gonna. look very differently you need to have a. homeless person give the commencement. speech at the college so that a lot of. these kids are gonna know what's. happening. they literally need a homeless man to. get up there with with with with with.

like like a via like a Vietnam vet. homeless guy to get up there who's like. to shoes but like they're both got a. falling off and he's dirty. and he's [ __ ] you know he asks for a. cigarette before he starts and you give. him a cigarette and he's like it's. [ __ ] what is this man well where are. we and then he goes into it he tells you. the real [ __ ] you know tells you real. [ __ ] he goes I went to Vietnam and. country doesn't give a [ __ ] I came back.

I started [ __ ] his hooker we had a. kid you know who we bought a house she. went insane cuz there's no mental health. care in the country. she burned the house down I ran out with. my two children in the street luckily. our neighbor was one of these Christian. freaks she was a real freak and was kind. of annoying but she took me and my kids. in that night my wife is dead because. she burned the house down because she. didn't get any mental health care and.

she was hooking because she was molested. by her father who ironically was in the. church was a deacon not a priest but a. deacon I used to bless his daughter. that's probably why she liked me she. liked fucked-up men that's just the way. it is so we started [ __ ] and she was. fertile I mean she was Porto Rican I. mean [ __ ] fertile they just [ __ ] out. kids these Puerto Ricans and we had two. of these [ __ ] and then she. burnt the [ __ ] house down in the. middle of the night I I was pretty. [ __ ] up I'm not gonna lie I'd been on. a coke bender for like three days I'm.

pretty drunk so what happened was I felt. the flames they were touching my feet. knife I woke up and I'm like I hope my. kids aren't burned I hope they're not. burned so I ran into there. and they were sleeping like angels I. mean literal angels it was the only. moment I believed in God and as soon as. I had that awakening where I believed in. God I thought immediately of the devil. because I saw the flames that's the. duality of man isn't it the duality of. life God in the devil and then I ran. outside and my ass was still kind of hot. because the flames caught onto my jeans.

and I was always like breathing fire. because I was drinking whiskey that. night trying to get to sleep there to. the coke peddler so I'm in the middle of. the street half-naked with these two. kids their mother is being burned to. death in the house the fire department. didn't come because we live in the. [ __ ] Bronx so they waited for the. [ __ ] whole house to go up so then. finally my [ __ ] freak Christian. neighbor comes out took my kids in got. them closed those kids went into foster. care went to the state they found me.

later told me I [ __ ] up their whole. life one of them's in jail the other. one's somewhere out on the [ __ ]. Street man I had a security coward job. for like half a year in 96 I don't. really know what's been happening since. anyway so I just want to say to the. class of 2020 that you know just onward. and upward brighter things are ahead and. you know a lot of people and these. things my saying the most important. lesson I've learned and the most. important lesson I've learned in my life.

is kind of did you just say [ __ ] you. know and then he would light a cigarette. and then he leaves the digital. graduation and then that's really that's. a grand then just stunned stunned. soulless. tick-tock youth in their [ __ ] rooms. with their parents their [ __ ] parents. [ __ ] in their mouths again some of them. giggling some of them floored staring at. each other being like what the [ __ ] just. happened.

that would be so much of a more valuable. commencement speech than some [ __ ]. celebrity who's there to talk about how. you just have to keep going and then. eventually Lauren Michaels will see. enough with that [ __ ] tell them what it. really is tell them what they wore. on bill gates does a speech he goes. there's a needle under everyone's chair. it's already picked you in the ass we're.

gonna see how now you hole we're gonna. see here during my speech we're gonna. study your reactions and see what. happened is the vaccine coming we don't. know folks we don't know maybe it's. colleague it's kind of a fantasy the. more I read about it the more the idea. of a vaccine to a virus like this in any. type of reasonable amount of time seems. like a fantasy. also the antiviral drugs almost seemed. like a fantasy I mean listen I'm not I'm. not a doctor. not a virologist I'm not an immunologist. I don't work in the pharmaceutical. industry but from what I've heard what I.

can tell this seems to be something that. we might have to learn kind of live with. we might have to mitigate its effects. somehow figure out a way to deal with. this treated like a seasonal flu if. that's at all possible doctors gonna. learn about this and learn how to treat. it but I do think we're edging. inevitably towards a conflict with China. I don't know how that conflict is gonna. is gonna manifest but I think it's. coming a lot of us and in other.

countries they're there their companies. or manufacturing is leaving China China. was a hub for manufacturing all the jobs. that left America went to China and you. know man. just is what it is I just want to chose. to inject a little dose of reality into. a world that I think you know there's a. lot of money to not be there's there's. far there's so much more money in. [ __ ] on this planet there's so much.

more money in it which is understandable. but you know I just think it would be. funny to have a homeless Vietnam veteran. to all the cob by the way no no everyone. gets the same every college gets the. same speech and it's this one guy it's. just one [ __ ] guy and he does the. speech every single college gets the. same speech every group of kids all. these yeah I see my friend's little. brothers and sisters they're like yeah.

roll tide or Alabama's like well we'll. see we'll see. I don't know if schools gonna be back in. there in September I hope so because if. not ever one's gonna be beaten and raped. that's I mean that's apparently what's. going on there's just beatings and. molestations going on if a family has to. sit together in the house for more than. 48 hours dad gets a little weird yeah my. dad had never displayed any inclination. towards that kind of behavior but I are. around week three of the quarantine he. started getting weird you know he.

started getting odd you know he started. just playing incest porn on the family. TV and asking us if we liked it if we. didn't he used to just beat the [ __ ] out. of us up until this he'd been a great. dad but this is what happens this is. what happens when somebody can't go out. have a nice sit-down meal mm-hmm it's a. problem food is not meant to be take out. you're not meant to eat out of boxes and. bags like a dog you're not meant to do.

it you not met all these high-end. restaurants or did you take out you're. not meant to eat a ribeye out of the tin. you're not meant to eat a ribeye out of. a tin for the love of God. it's a [ __ ] tin you meant to eat. Chinese food and pizza takeout not even. sushi barely sushi I know you'll love. takeout and I eat it too.

but it's not meant you're meant to dine. like a person the food should go from. the pan to the plate to your mouth. indirectly in a reasonable amount of. time now everything can't be putting a. tent in a bag for you you slurp it out. like a dog [ __ ] Mastro's master. stakeouts that Beverly Hills is running. a human trafficking ring we got rid of. swingers they're done now. sorry swingers sorry your vegan nuggets.

or whatever the [ __ ] you was serving. that faux retro embarrassing diner and. your tattooed staff a [ __ ] Avril. Lavigne wannabes or whoever the hell. they thought they were gonna be enough. they thought they were the Pixies or. something the staff walking around now. Hey. calm it down calm it down and get the. omelet please stop Lee you're not living. in LA cool life stop okay. oh my life's like a movie no it's not.

it's it's not like a movie it's very. much like the I don't have a my omelette. that's what your life is like put a. smile on your face. stop being brooding and dark and complex. you've not a thought in your head you. have not a thought in your head I mean. is X really about hey shut up. I get the cake I feel bad that they.

closed but I missed a meatloaf that good. turkey meatloaf but the reality of the. situation is I was in a war with them. and I was in a war with that don't go he. restaurants don't go to war with me. don't go to war with me it's not a good. move not a good move bad things seem to. happen to the restaurant cuz I know I. know what's gonna happen there's certain. restaurants I love Craig's in Beverly. Hills phenomenal they've been delivering.

food and it's been phenomenal you know I. think they have a bright future but. swingers not good. they didn't treat people nicely they. treated people they did not you know I. went in one day this is a famous old. episode we did called the big booth you. can I went and I said I want to sit at a. bigger booth and they didn't let me and. there was no one in the restaurant they. said because you have to have a you have. to have a group of six to sit at that. and I was like oh you're just like the. cop in Manhattan Beach you're enforcing. rules that don't make sense you're a. brown shirt you're a brown shirt you're.

a Nazi and I don't like Nazis that's not. they're not nice I like people who are. accommodating and you're not being. accommodating so swears was is gone now. and it's gone sorry but I'm gonna open a. restaurant I'm gonna do it in LA cuz New. York it's a lot of good restaurants. maybe not after that but I will open a. restaurant in Los and I'm looking for. investors and here's a reality if you.

have a lot of money. give it. to me and let me open a restaurant I. know I know what I'm doing I will make. it good I will make it good I know how. to do it I know all the ins and outs of. the business and I know I know what has. to happen I know why people like. restaurants you know I you know all. right man I could have I could have. saved swingers it's just a little faux. retro diner on Melrose in LA man I could. save that place if they sat down and I.

said they if they said what should we do. Tim how do we do it how do we how do we. how do we do it I would have [ __ ] told. the man I would I would absolutely told. them how to do it you know absolutely I. would take his staff put him in burkas. had to tell burkas you want to win in. this town you gotta [ __ ] you gotta.

you gotta you gotta go hard in the wool. paint head-to-toe burkas head-to-toe. only small slits for the eyes and. everybody I don't care how hot it is. head-to-toe black burkas men and women. there are no genders it's a genderless. restaurant gendered language is banned. gendered language is bad all the food is. halal. it is it is an homage to Islam which was.

a religion that loves homosexuals and. transgender people. it's what the movies seem like that's. Hollywood so we have we have people in. burkas and then also we have just gay. icons on the wall Harvey Milk. RuPaul gay icons Jonathan Larson who.

wrote rent oh no he's an icon an op it's. a great show she's gay icons on the wall. everyone in a burqa you know I could. have saved it if they asked me nobody. asked me. nobody nobody came to me and said Tim. how do you how do you turn this around I. know how to turn it around I know if. you're a restaurant you're failing is. because you don't have an Instagram Abul. dish. if basic white [ __ ] are not pulling.

out their phones to take a photo of. something in your restaurant. you're going to fail you are going to. fail. white women need to take photos of a. dish and spread it around that needs to. happen or you're in trouble the boomers. are now on tik toks is the pandemic. they've all discovered ticked it's got. to be fun to see how they can be racist. on tick-tock it's gonna be interesting. to see how my aunt can figure out how to.

be racist on tick-tock how is she gonna. come up with a dance that shows that she. harbors a lot of you know unsavory ideas. how can she show in a dance and a themed. dance that she believes you know that. women who've had abortions should be. committed how can she do that in a. tick-tock seemed danced be interesting. to see huh you just seem to see how she.

could show a commitment to a radical. Catholicism on tick-tock through it. themed dance you know how could she show. us her pro-family values dance her. pro-trump stance you know she loves she. loves Trump politics is sports for. people that are just older yeah just get. in this politics because there's not. life life has a few stages of it and the. final one and it starts for peope some. people it starts at 19 but the final.

stage of life is really the spectator. stage you're no longer participating. you're you the job is gonna be the job. the family Arrangements gonna be the. family arrangement so you slide into the. spectator phase of your life which I. never hope to do I hope I never do that. I hope maybe I will. hopefully I mean it's some very. successful people get there a lot of. unsuccessful people get there to suspect. enter stage go back you recline on the. lazy boy. and you engage with people about.

meaningless horseshit to just to just by. the time until there's a cancer with. growth that the doctors can't do. anything about then they zap you know. we're all just racing till the end here. there isn't we don't get saved you know. we don't there's no eternal. consciousness certainly not for us. you know not for you people your [ __ ]. income bracket they're not gonna freeze. you they're gonna put you know your. conscience is not gonna be uploaded to. the mainframe you're out you're out of. here it's kind of happen it's gonna be. some somebody gonna get ya so until then.

you know there's stages of life there's. yeah I see them I was that man hot Beach. see the young kids that are in their. late teens. they're like to dream like wonder like. stage of life and don't don't with them. not all of them some of them are in. private prison I know but a lot of them. are in and they're in the dream like. wonder like anything's possible. everything is in front of you it's a. great stage of your life it isn't real. because the things you think are. possible are actually not but you don't.

know that yet because you don't know. yourself yet I thought I was gonna be. like a Navy SEAL or something I thought. I was gonna number one not only what I. do I not want to do any physical work I. don't what like I'm not what I'm gonna. go and pretend to kill bin Laden like. stop I you know I thought it's gonna be. you know like in the government I was. gonna work cuz I liked being on debate. team you know you don't know yourself. when you're 16 or 17 you barely know.

yourself but that's the dream like. wonder like phase of whatever and then. as you get older. get in your 20s in the 20s is like the. work worki phase where you're like. you're excited to work you Excel work is. exciting in your twenty jobs can be. exciting getting somewhere is exciting. you're figuring out your love life. you're figuring out what you do you know. you're figuring it all out and you're. figuring out who you are in your. twenties and what you want out of life.

now in your 30s you're figuring out. really who you're not so you figure out. in your 30s who you're not ya ain't. gonna work that hard I'm. not really gonna be that nice to my. brother I'm not really gonna call my. parents as much I should I'm not gonna. take this bitch's mouth I don't give a. [ __ ] you start figuring out who you're. not and you're 30 you start to be like. you know hey and then eventually you.

just you get to a point you know where. you are just a spectator and that's a. lot of people you see on Facebook. they're fighting back and forth. it's a spectator sport life has just. been distilled into like a clever postal. Elath well do you know it Trump canceled. the chill from chess to him what are you. doing and then the person goes back I.

gave him a memo we need in dude what did. he do with the tar and it's like you. guys are fighting about nothing it's. literally nothing I mean there's nothing. to go forward if you think that's the. end the answer if you still think that's. the answer. god bless you and go do it I'll fold you.

pull that lever pull the liver in the. local library roll the scary drag queens. are reading sure one of them will show. you. I'm sure ginger will show you where the. voting is in the library and you pull. the lever and you go home and and then I. sit back and you sit there and you glory. sit there after your candidate wins and. sit there in your glory sit there and. really enjoy the glorious victory that. you've won you rode into town on horse.

on horseback and you just murdered all. the man and [ __ ] all the women and now. you're just sitting here with all the. gold all the gold enjoy it but I mean. stop stop bickering with people it's. stupid. I see smart people doing it and they're. like well this is fun it's not that fun. you know I talked to one of my friends. about it like. you fighting all the time because I like. it it's fun I'm like it's not what it.

what why get another hobby get another. get another sport fighting on Facebook. it's ultimately you're not no one's mind. is being changed by 300 comments thread. on Facebook no one cares. just walk away through the happiest. people I know are people that are so. disconnect disconnect live your own life. live a life that's not being given to.

you in an algorithm by Mark Zuckerberg. literally live that life live a life was. that isn't being designed for you by. people in Palo Alto live a life like. things that aren't being recommended to. you by you know nameless faceless. technocrats have actual friends you. speak to over the phone or in person I. mean you know I don't know what to tell. you you know if you see that cop see.

that cop in Manhattan Beach Tommy's a. hero you tell him he's a hero because. there's nothing I like more than telling. telling telling a cop who's risking his. life risking his life to stop a fat guy. halfway across the street and make him. go back to the other side of the street.

he could be in Compton it Watts give me. places he could be Van Nuys he could be. a place with actual problems but he's in. in in in in Manhattan Beach which is an. idyllic seaside paradise driving around. on a go-cart guarding the ice cream shop. and he thinks he's a hero and he thinks. he's protecting you and he thinks that. he stands behind you and in the. dissolution of society that's a problem. and I don't know how it can be fixed and.

probably can't but that's one of the. reasons we need to figure out a way to. live with this [ __ ] virus I don't. know. how we're gonna do it but we got to. figure out a way to live with the virus. because I can't have a cop driving. around a idyllic beautiful seaside. paradise eating a popsicle thinking that. he's a [ __ ] hero you're not a hero. you're not a hero we should do that in.

society what so so we bang the pans for. the heroes what do we do for the non. heroes what do we do for the people that. are heroes should they get anything. should they get any acknowledgment maybe. they're heroes in training maybe they. maybe they just need a few a few hits on. the pan to become a hero. well we're ignoring them but I hope this.

I hope this lockdown begins to come to. an end. I hope but I hope it does because if it. does it if the lockdown doesn't come to. an end I don't know many things I don't. have many things but I know that a lot. of women are gonna be pregnant with. their fathers baby good night and good. luck.