#194 - We're Going Home | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the Tim. Dylan show I am Tim Dylan week 3 of. quarantine I believe right week 3 were. in week 3 of quarantine in the United. States of America. most states now have stay at home orders. non-essential business closed in most of. the country there has never been a time. when every piece of news has been.

equally horrifying there's never been a. time when every article every click. everything that you see is as. nightmarish as every other thing that. you see it is a wave it's like if you've. ever been to a beach and you get knocked. down by a wave and you keep trying to. get up and you keep getting knocked down. and then you're just laying there in the.

surf that's what this is I mean this is. an amazing period of time I mean and the. media makes it worse I mean it's bad. it's undeniably bad in fact it's so bad. the only joy you have is calling people. and telling them that they don't know. how bad it really is that's the only. bright part of your day is calling. someone in the morning and letting them.

know that they don't even know how [ __ ]. they are you get those calls every day. we all compete to deliver the bad news. we're all like Paul Revere except we're. not riding through the night on a horse. we're sitting on our couch watching. Netflix and then every morning we pick. up our phone and call somebody go home. boy you got a C listen this quarantines. not ending there's gonna be chips in our.

arm it's you know we're not going back. to work anytime soon kids aren't going. to school in the fall college is getting. pushed back you're never gonna eat out. in a restaurant again. everybody you know is dead you were. dying. you only have one lung working right now. you're looking I feel kind of good shut. up you don't know how [ __ ] you are. that's the only bit of joy we have you. get giddy you get giddy you get giddy.

and I like to call people cuz most. people I know now have resigned. themselves to the fate that this is. going to be a long hard slog as Donald. Rumsfeld would say but every now and. then you'll catch somebody with a little. hope with a little hope with a little. like spark of hope and you get excited. because you know you're about to crush. it cuz you know you're about to. extinguish their tiny amount of hope. they go yeah man they go you know.

probably start opening up in the summer. and you go oh you ignorant piece of [ __ ]. you know nothing have you not read. anything 30% unemployment massive bank. failures a rise in homelessness the. pandemic will never end they go yeah. yeah I guess what's gonna change between. now and July tell me nothing I got yeah. you hear them sink sink a little bit.

lower and then you go all right talk. soon. it's the only choice you have now is. bringing people down and then sometimes. it's fun to lift them up a little. because you got to lift them back up to. crush him again so I call people every. other day and do good good cop bad cop. so yesterday I called everybody told. them quarantine was going to log is to. push in school back in September comedy. clubs will never reopen they all had to. get new jobs and that you know we're. gonna see millions of deaths today I. called him with good news you know I.

cherry picked some you know some some. some you know positive news you know. which there's very little off by the way. just surreal and then I lifted them up a. little bit and I like to confuse them. they don't know they don't know where. I'm coming from they don't know where. I'm going with it because sometimes I. like to give because sometimes I'll be. I'll be real down and then up then. they'll be real down but then I want to. go motivational. and I go but but here's what you got to. realize but my motivational is different.

than other because this was tuning. errors telling people I was going listen. we're gonna be ok I'll tell you why and. they go why cuz they're in New York I. mean they're shut in New York is America. is Italy right now they're they're. singing in the streets I mean it's wild. you know what I mean and as of New. Yorkers the guys that grew up in New. York it's [ __ ] wild to watch you know. from LA you know um you know not there. I'm not there and you know like my. friend was like she's like everyone. there such annihilate such a narcissist. she's like I'm glad I'm in New York.

I'd rather experience this with New. Yorkers and I'm like well good for you. she goes that's where we differ I said. indeed absolutely I'm glad we've. identified that divergence of opinion. but I was saying today I said the. American economy's gonna get back on. track because Americans don't put any. value on human life their own or others. and that is a good thing it is a good. thing that we are a deeply suicidal.

country with a death wish it is a good. thing that we arm ourselves to the teeth. and sit in our little survival bunkers. waiting to be allowed out so we can go. walk our fat asses onto a cruise like. nothing ever happened. it's gonna happen again those boats will. be full people are gonna be back in. Applebee's putting quesadillas in their. ass because that's what we're about. they're gonna be back to friendly fire.

incidents in their home their. four-year-olds gonna find the gun they. bought for the pandemic and he's gonna. blow their brains out with it don't. worry about it thank God thank God we. have a country of people who truly don't. care what happens next because that's. the only thing that's gonna save us. Europe is [ __ ] they're gonna sit at. home and ponder we're gonna go right the. [ __ ] out as soon as we can get drunk and. crash our cars don't worry tow trucks.

will be working you're gonna be working. GEICO's back in business as soon as we. can get back in our cars and. hit someone we're gonna do it as soon as. we are allowed out we're gonna cause. some problem problems we're gonna cause. some bodily harm and that's what we're. about that's the only reason I am. hopeful I don't trust the government I. don't trust the private sector the only.

thing we have left is science truly I. mean the only way out of this is a. vaccine or an antiviral drug like maybe. this chloroquine ein helps that they're. that they're giving to people alongside. erythromycin which is the you know the. drug from a z-pack you take for. bronchitis maybe that gets approved as. an official treatment it did in France. maybe that helps. maybe there's another antiviral that is. in the public policy solutions here are.

not going to please anybody there are no. good solutions there are waves of this. pandemic there's waves of the virus you. let people back out the numbers will. spike the number spike the hospital. suffer you don't let people back out the. economy crumbles you know it's not. there's no way out as Thomas Sowell said. no solutions only trade-offs here and no.

good trade-offs either I mean it's just. you got to decide at one point what is. the more destructive path but you're. worrying you know you know you're. waiting for science you're waiting for a. guy in a lab coat that's a hell of a lot. smarter than me or anyone I know who's. [ __ ] feverishly working on a vaccine. for this because god help you if you.

think Donald Trump or Joe Biden is gonna. figure a way to put the world back. together it's not gonna happen in the. short term or the long term your best. hope is science and science takes a. while that's why everybody's freaked the. [ __ ] out the average length of time that. it takes to get a vaccine going is 15 to. 18 months that's. not terribly encouraging that's what. most experts are saying and until we get. that most articles that are dribbling at.

now are preparing people for a longer. haul than they originally were they're. saying that life is not going to go back. to normal until we have the ability to. prevent people from being hospitalized. so that could be done with a vaccine or. that could be done with an antiviral. that somehow prevents hospitalization so. that it becomes what people said it was. a bad flu for those 20% of people that. would have been the hospitalized it. becomes what it is for those 80% of.

people a bad flu and again this is all. as of Friday you know April second third. it's the third. yeah Friday April 3rd April 4th we could. have an entirely new that's what's great. you could wake up on April 4th and they. could go oh ho by the way I remember how. we told everyone to wear masks now. everyone should wear hazmat suits. if you leave your home so please put on.

the hazmat suit before you go to the. grocery store and everybody's gonna walk. around looking like astronauts why the. [ __ ] do I have to wear a mask if I'm. alone walking around an area that I'm. too poor to live in which is what I do. every day. I walk around Beverly Hills alone I. don't talk to anyone nobody talks to me. it's LA nobody spoke to each other. pre-pandemic we leave each other alone. why I'm not six feet from anyone why do.

I have to wear a mask is the virus just. sitting around in the air stop if it was. truly airborne everyone would have it. stop it I get it if you're gonna go to a. grocery store if you're gonna have an. interaction with somebody but I'm. certainly not wearing a [ __ ] mask to. walk down the street if I'm not near. anybody I understand in New York. everybody's next to you I get it you.

know I'm just asking the media to give. us a minute give us a minute. not every story like the medias now like. the stories are like transgender. surgeries are being put off because of. its like okay can you give us a minute. here abortions are not being provided. sigh daddy's sad but can you give us a. minute with it do you have to unearth. every negative thing that's happening. now don't we have enough every human.

interest story and I get that these are. stories that need to be told. do we have to tell them all at once do. we have to tell them all at once at. least we waited till the towers fell in. 9/11 before we started printing up the. stories of the dead Debra was a mother. of six her lung collapse like oh my god. it's bad I know if the people are still. playing frisbee shoot him if they're not.

taking it seriously shoot um I guess I. don't know but to stop writing these. stories you're trying to guilt people to. stay in but they're not gonna do it the. NYPD the LAPD they shoot people for a. lot less than this I'm not saying if. you're jogging or walking but if you're. in a park with a lot of people I don't. know shoot him you don't have to kill.

him rubber bullets gasps um tear gas. what are we finding I don't know I mean. you know there's no good options is what. I'm saying here you know I don't want it. to radical government but I'm just. saying if I saw a bunch of [ __ ]. tick-tock kids in LA getting tear gassed.

I might smile a little bit. I mean you know what are we waiting for. everybody send me these send me these. conspiracy things about agenda 401 at. the build. 18 what it's like guys if they did it if. they release the virus when it's like if. they're willing to do that what I mean. woody or do you even want to know at. that point just buy some heroin and get.

ready to meet what's on the other end of. this I mean guys at a certain point well. what is uncovering the truth even. [ __ ] do for you I don't personally. believe they did this cuz I think they. want to they would rather us making. money at our [ __ ] jobs and sitting in. the house while the world economy. collapses but if they did and this is. some way to wipe the slate clean and. they're willing to do this well then. what the f-- I mean at a certain point. you got a [ __ ] roll over I guess I.

don't know I mean I don't know what to. tell ya if Bill Gates release this virus. I mean what are you gonna do you know. are you gonna do tweet about it I mean. well you know at that point what did you. have a militia you ready to go well you. got a few guns in the back you shoot at. your tree in Georgia I'm I don't know if.

these people really did that then I tend. to believe that was probably some. accident it's probably a Chinese. bioweapon it probably leaked out of that. lab and Wu Han I don't know how it did. maybe they still were selling bats maybe. they're selling animals that they. experimented on that seems the most. probable thing is it weird that it. happened during the Hong Kong protest. yes but I also think that you know. potentially you know China didn't have. any problems shooting tear gas at those.

protesters charlie didn't have any issue. doing that so I mean is it is it. impossible to say that they released it. to get rid of it no but I don't know. that they did you know it could have. happened you know and again to trying to. release this to just say [ __ ] it let's. see what happens. who knows I don't know I don't know you. don't know but what so as Raycom said I. was talking to today it's like so what's. the plan go to the beach like what are. we all supposed to do in fact everybody.

that we know is that the move even if. we know it's a bioweapon is the move to. just go out and all get sick and that a. lot of people die that doesn't seem. logical well it's the bioweapon from. China so what you still have to protect. yourself your family to a degree you. have to be ethical. you know I've a friend who's gonna fly. to New York to visit his girlfriend I'm. like are you out of your [ __ ] mind. dude what are you doing this is the.

stand the Stephen King miniseries on TV. did my father allowed me to watch. because he allowed me to watch most. things in the 90s that was his style of. parenting he said if you want to watch. it you can watch it the movie se7en sure. not a problem whatever you want to watch. you want to watch dead man walking you. want to see a Sean Penn get lethal. injection what are you seven you'll.

enjoy this come on it's playing up the. block I don't want to pay for a. babysitter I want to go watch casino you. ever seen someone get buried alive. you're about to handle it handle it like. a man that's a great thing about boomers. who had all had one kid the only kid. houses we would go out with our parents. to dinner with their friends you know. and their friends would talk about. things that were inappropriate for us to. hear but it is what it is if you have.

two kids or three kids you get a. babysitter or maybe the older kid will. watch the younger kids in my house it. was like that my sons coming don't. censor yourself my sons coming talk. freely about wanting to kill your wife. talk freely about it my son's there he's. nine he'll think it's hilarious and I. did talk freely about it get hammered in. front of him talk about talk about the. drugs you do he won't mind he'll be. doing him soon he'll be doing him within. two or three years get him ready let him.

know let him know you were coked out of. your mind the other night you thought. about pushing your wife out of the attic. window that's something a guy really. said I was sitting there was like 11:00. he goes you know I look at my wife. sometimes I go I want to just push her. out of the attic window he goes who. would know the whole table of guys just. red wine laughing it's great. we're great memories III I appreciate. the way I grew up that was a great style. of parenting it's getting real now on. Long Island for even for people that. didn't really grasp because in the.

beginning the outlook on this on Long. Island was we you shut the [ __ ] up. that's how it was handled shut up people. have to sit down with the parents ago. you can't golf. you can't go golfing you can't go you. can't have you know you can't go to. Maria's baby shower you can't and you. did have to explain it and they go so.

what nobody's sick you know and now it's. those see those those statuses they're. getting they get those people are going. quiet now they're going come of them are. dead but they're going they're getting a. little quiet like to eat just a flu. status that's where I never make these. stupid predict like I never go out there. and I don't take these hard stances you. know when I don't know something because. I've learned that you could only have to. walk it back so if I'd come out and was. like you took the flu it's all fake of.

[ __ ] duh I mean we drove by. cedars-sinai one night there weren't a. lot of people there it would have been. easy for me to come on and be like John. or we [ __ ] drove by Cedars there was. no one there they stings fake um. and then now I would have to be looking. at numbers and you know got to walk it. back so you know people are gonna get. real quiet you know they're getting a. little quiet because in the beginning it. was this was you remember that this was.

a liberal this was liberal hysteria to. to wreck the economy so Trump would. would get voted out of office this was. the this is what I heard from my people. on Long Island and this was hysteria. somebody I knew wrote their closing the. country down because if sniffles and. Long Island loves World War two memes. they'll be like just the greatest. generation and then and then they'll. show like somebody blowing your nose but. exist generation closed the country down. for it sniffles and the funny thing. about that is the people that share.

those memes were never. in the military they never served in the. military came and they loved World War. two although they probably did nothing. for their grandparents that served in. World War two other than rob them the. only thing they did for the greatest. generation was take money off their. mantle okay so but they loved those. World War two memes that are like this. Joe we're [ __ ] now goddamn [ __ ].

this flu sniffles there's still a net no. there's still people doing that by the. way there's still people that are going. you know there's still people with it. the mortality rate and the death toll. and that's all gonna stop it's common. and most people there will be some. people that don't care there will be. people on ventilators right before they. go out you know you know before they're. in a coma there'll be people going so. what this is not I mean it's just trump.

2020 will be the last thing certain. people say on long island. Trog that'll be it because you cuz. they'd rather just you know drowned in. their own lungs then unravel their. worldview you know I mean listen man god. bless him let him know that's what it is. if you have a significant other right. now you might be having more sex than.

usual you might not be it really depends. I don't know I think I know a lot of. people that are growing to hate each. other more and more every day and what a. blessing that is but it is a good time. to remind you that the Tim Dylan show is. sponsored by manscaped and the engineers. at man skates have spent the last 18. months crafting the perfect vaccine. kidding fall hair trimmer the perfect. ball hair trimmer okay and they've just. released a new and improved ventilator. kidding lawnmower 3.0 smooth out your.

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this baby up with 7,000 rpm motor with. quiet stroke technology the battery that. lasts up to 90 minutes so you could. shave your dick for an hour and a half. because you do it during the zoom. meeting if you have a zoom meeting for. work to shave your dick for an hour and. a half while you listen to Karen by the. way how is anyone like I haven't had an. office job in years how is anyone even.

being productive on these zoom meetings. how is anyone not going we're all gonna. die how in God's name is that not. happening like they're having these zoom. meetings for work and you're all. supposed to act like everything's normal. I mean what's that about you're going. over marketing numbers on a zoom meeting. right now and you're sitting there in. your underwear and you gotta like like. aren't Pete like you're not gonna [ __ ].

you're not gonna just be like hey I'm. gonna go through this report in the. minute but guys what do you think this. is you know you think we make it out you. think you think there's a society on the. other end of this I don't know how to. farm I mean [ __ ] man my wife calls the. other day I thought about not letting. her in my house I love her but I you. know I got to think about myself I'm in. survival mode man I don't know how I'm. gonna provide for my kids.

[ __ ] all right well anyway the new. product guidelines that I received seem. to be pretty positive the client enjoys. the package it you know I mean how do. you just it's like doom every day and. then you just got to get on a zoom. meeting and pretend that everything's. okay and you're just sitting there you. just came all over yourself you just. masturbated for 30 minutes and I mean.

you really got into it and now it's a. zoom meeting and you gotta sit there. covered in [ __ ] and like look at everyone. that you used to work with and they're. all covered in their own come I mean. manscaped calm twenty percent off free. shipping it's all good goodbye that's a. lot of what I find amazing about this. time it's this new technology you know. it's not new but everybody's using it.

now this like zoom or you don't have to. go into your office and you just sit. around in your own filth and then you. know try to be professional you know and. there's people doing zoom comedy shows. because they're insane but. everyone doing that um you're probably. gonna have to get a day job soon and I. don't want to be the bearer of bad news. um but people that have relied on. stand-up comedy as their only source of. income potentially I'm not saying.

definitively and nobody I take no joy in. this I think a lot of them may not be. prepared for what's coming and I don't. know if what's coming is going to be an. environment conducive to earning a. living at stand-up it might be I hope it. is but all signs on all systems are. flashing red so I know you think that in. two months you're gonna be back up in. Adam and that's why you're keeping sharp.

on the zoom comedy show but I think it's. time to get call mom and dad and. apologize. stop ridiculing your religious family. and start learning hymns you're going. home you're gonna start singing in the. pews my our God is an awesome God that's. right you're gonna marry your high. school sweetheart and dedicate your life. to the Lord you're going home to that. small town you're going to Community.

College you're gonna be a waitress at a. local diner and you're gonna get [ __ ]. good by the town bad boy and it's. leather jacket it's pleather probably. but whatever he's gonna [ __ ] you good. and you're gonna remember what old. small-town [ __ ] tastes like and he ain't. smart and he hasn't read Marx's capital. no he's gonna [ __ ] you good in the. basement of his house that's owned by. his alcoholic mother who's very happy to.

see you because she thinks you're gonna. save her son's life hello you were. living in New York. oh it's glad to see you're hanging out. with cliff cliff could use a girl like. you he's had a rough couple of years but. he's a good boy mama loves cliff and. you're gonna go and you're gonna suck. his balls and you're gonna lick his. taint and you're not gonna eat his ass. but you should because you're not. going anywhere settle in start becoming.

friends with your high school the girl. who used to torment you who was a. cheerleader now she's a fat mother of. three and now you see her as a person. and you don't mind how much he tortured. you you don't mind that because you see. how much she's suffering now and there's. some shouting Freud in it for you and. you two become friends and when Deniz. opens back up you sit there and you'll. wedge yourself in a booth and yet you. scrape the bottom of a bowl of queso and.

you eat pancakes and fried shrimp and. food that doesn't even go together cuz. you're back home for good and you've. dedicated your life to Christ now and. you're going to Community College and. you're working as a receptionist at a. construction company that's failing and. your boss and you do coke together and. he hasn't tried to [ __ ] you. but you've already resigned yourself to. the fact that if he tries you're gonna. ride him good cuz you don't have [ __ ].

left it's all over for you six months. ago you were prancing around Brooklyn. telling everybody you were non-binary. and you hated your parents now you're. back home [ __ ] men and praying to. Jesus you're back home eating big fluffy. omelette stuffed with cheddar cheese and. grits no more tuna tartare no more vegan. [ __ ] soup it's all over it all ended.

quickly but you realizing that that this. life is actually more real than anything. you experienced in New York or San. Francisco or Chicago this life was the. life you were always meant to live and. you go into that local bar and they know. who you are they say hey baby how are. you and you go to the bartender Erica. cuz she's a friend of yours. and she's got a few bumps of coke for. you and you take a few shots and you. feel like a winner you sit on that.

barstool and you light a cigarette and. you feel like a winner for an hour and. then you walk. back out into the cold night terrors. because you have no more money and no. more blow and you go home and you're. toss and turn in your bed as you sweat. and you come down from the devil's. powder and you think about cliff the. town dirtbag who puts his cocking yeah. you think about your fat arch nemesis is.

now your only friend you think about. your [ __ ] construction job and you. thought to yourself if you had any sense. you'd get back in your car and drive it. right into the ocean but Denny's ain't. bad those pancakes are fluffy and. they'll be hot tomorrow morning when you. slide them down your throat when you. slide them down your Pig or throat. because you're going home and that's my.

message to the people out there that are. confused about what the next steps of. your life are many of you don't know but. that that's what it is. that's where it is okay you're not going. to be they just rescheduled it just for. Laughs comedy festival for October. probably won't happen. these September October it's not. happening folks and if it does happen if. somehow they're pandemic recedes and and.

it does happen just just so I don't want. to be wrong I'll go up there as a. suicide bomber and blow it up so if I'm. wrong and jfl happens I will wait to the. new face to showcase and I will walk. onstage and pull the pin and blow it up. and right before I do I'll look at you. right in your face and said told you so. you were going home one way or the other. you're going home you're either going to.

Syracuse you're going to see Jesus. because I'm not gonna be wrong it's what. it is Benjamin you notice what it is I. only speak the truth here I'm not here. to I'm not here to pad you I'm not. wearing a mask at Beverly Hills I have a. beautiful face I've her European facial. structure I'm showing it off. it's the only part of my body that. hasn't gone to total [ __ ] I'm not. putting the mask over it she didn't call. the cops and drag me in it's not.

happening this pig wasn't wearing a mask. no I was not sure so I live in the. United States of America which is still. a free country although we can't work. fraternize leave our homes walk down the. street but you cannot compel me to wear. a mask what I am NOT near anybody then. let's do the totals it's time to do the.

totals we do the totals we try to do the. totals coronavirus case is 1 million. 99006 22 deaths 59,000 193 recovered 228. 938 don't know what that means don't. know what they mean by recovered I guess. they mean had it and then got better USA. we've got two hundred and seventy seven. thousand cases four hundred and. seventy-five 277 475 okay deaths we have.

74 hundred and two so that's where we're. at let's look at the country map again. this is gonna sadly really take a toll. on the third world and I think people in. rural America are not prepared for the. toll it's gonna take on rural America. because even though they're more spread. out they don't live on top of each other. in certain cases they do but I those. hospitals do not have the money or the.

resources to accommodate any type of. outbreak so that's gonna be a real issue. but thank God we have Jared Kushner. handling everything because of his. extensive experience in evicting people. he's now going to evict them from life. he's now gonna show people how to evict. them from the planet you know public. health advocate Jared Kushner I feel. good by the way even the die-hard Trump.

fans don't love globalist Jared or. Ivanka or the fact that he gave us a fan. jobs even if you're a bad a night. isolationist paleo con you cannot like. [ __ ] the cone in there from Goldman. Sachs and you can't like [ __ ] I tend. to think if you vote for Trump again I. mean you know you know we just get what. we deserve if Trump wins again it's like. listen it is what it is. I don't I will just laugh as I've done.

for the last because I'm not gonna Drive. myself crazy but if I mean Biden sucks. he's a bad candidate I get it but if you. think that Donald Trump is handling this. the right way or you think that his. demeanor and tone is appropriate as. nurses and doctors are dropping dead if. you think it's appropriate for the guy. to go out and brag about the ratings of. his press conferences then I don't know. that you I don't know that that you can. be right I didn't fall for Trump but I.

didn't fall for Obama I didn't fall for. any of them. I didn't fall for any [ __ ] person who. told me they gave a [ __ ] about me and if. you're a child and you did well I feel. bad for you I feel bad for you if you're. a [ __ ] child and you fell for that. that somebody cared about you and and. just coincidentally that also concei. coincided with them getting the most. powerful position on earth I think it's. time to give somebody else a shot I. would give Bernie Sanders a shot.

national healthcare seems like a real. good idea in a world with a pandemic. we've got a pandemic it seems like we're. look yes I know the government is. inefficient I get that I understand that. I don't think that systems gonna be. perfect but our system when you get a. $30,000 bill for the ventilator that. dead Buffalo Wild Wings built for you to. use that's not a good system either so. let's all [ __ ] start to understand.

that like we're gonna need to move in a. direction of smart collectivism not in. the sense that you know it's not looks. like we don't want a Maoist country and. the idiots that back Bernie that are. always you know [ __ ] talking landlords. or whatever and like you know you. I do have a funny video coming out this. week about landlords but the people that. think we're never gonna be a Marxist. [ __ ] if she's never gonna happen cut. that [ __ ] out. but the one [ __ ] I mean man I.

completely understand the idea that it. is almost suicidal in a country that. that is susceptible to these types of. pandemics to have hundreds you know have. a hundred million people 50 million. people and more than that now because. you're all getting laid off without any. type of coverage that aren't gonna go to. the doctor that will never know if. they're sick that will be going out and. spreading this disease that are not. gonna isolate they're not gonna know if. they have it because they don't want to. get a bill like don't you realize stop.

with the isms capitalism socialism it's. you somebody it went on the classroom. okay this to reality keep talking about. capitalism you didn't get it back to the. head you're gonna get a knife to the. throat pretty soon because people gonna. go I want your money and rich people. used to understand [ __ ] like that they. used to understand the like well we. can't be too we can't be put you know we. can't just [ __ ] dangle it in their. faces all the time we gotta have some. type of functional society and if you.

think of functional society if somebody. was laid off from their job who goes to. a hospital who ends up on a [ __ ] vent. is gonna get in three months to $30,000. bill from that hospital with no [ __ ]. job and a 1200 dollar payout from the. government if you think that's a good. [ __ ] system I hope you can fight and. I hope you got a lot of weapons and I. know a lot of you fat pigs that listen. to the show think you can't fight and.

you think you do have a lot of weapons. but you're gonna be too drunk to find. them when the time comes let's be honest. okay I mean this is the reality in the. situation all these tough guys you know. all the tough guys are Facebook live. with their mom everybody loved these. like these guys just like. libertarian-leaning like guys that are. like oh I value my freedom well you have. the freedom to leave your mother's house. how about the freedom to [ __ ] get out. of your parents house stop telling and. have a little human compassion for a.

while I'm sorry that whatever happened. you that you don't care about any other. human being that [ __ ] exists except. yourself I'm sorry that you can't care. about another [ __ ] human being okay I. ran my favourite country fifty three. thousand deaths very sad many people. know that I'm friends with a lot of the. mullahs in Iran that's why I started. comedy no I'm kidding. but a lot of people know my cat and I. don't really own I mean he doesn't live. with me but my cat Oscar lived in Iran.

for a few years and was wasn't mullah. was one of the Iranian mullahs he was a. cleric Oscar was a he was he was a. radical Muslim cleric Oscar has been in. many extremist groups he's been an anti. feh he's been in proud boys he's been in. neo-nazis he's been in not all of them I. mean he's been in you know Golden Dawn I. mean he's been in you know radical. communist he was an eco-terrorist for a. while he doesn't really care he just.

wants it to burn down. he doesn't care where it comes from but. it's gonna be tough but it's a little. enraging and I'm the furthest thing like. I you know I all these articles that are. coming out that are like this crisis is. a gendered crisis many of the health. care workers through women's to gender. I'm like dude that's not the move and. the move isn't on the right cuz you know. these guys are gonna start putting out. articles with like rich people in masks. and they're gonna go the viruses has. made us all one it showed us we're all.

vulnerable its flattened us we're all. the same we bleed too and it's just. gonna be pictures of you know and it's. like now we're not all the same you're. quarantine in a mansion you have the. money to pay for medical care there are. people right now that are [ __ ]. worrying this through no fault of their. own they're worrying about getting. thrown out on the street and then if I. say something about that people like. you're a [ __ ] we want liberal and. Hollywood Hollywood doesn't exist. anymore dummy it shut down it shut down.

and there's nothing liberal about not. wanting people to be [ __ ] on the. street do you want to walk through a. gang of violent hungry people every day. is that a good functional society even. if you don't care about people and you. only care about yourself don't you think. it's. interest to not have a third of the. country on the street begging for food. how high do you think these gates are. none of these I know where all these.

rich communities are in LA you could. climb that fence you could climb the. fins of the most elite communities in. this country you could climb a [ __ ]. fence you're right in there you're right. in there I mean there's probably ones I. don't know about and they'll they're. bigger than trust me they'll start. building them they're gonna start. building ones who are a little tougher. to get into and they have their own. water you know Montana they have. properties with their own water aquifers. and [ __ ] like that but I take heat from. people sometimes four people are like. you know and I as soon as this crisis. end I will go back to being against.

health care workers I'm against them. I've always been against nurses I've. always been against nurses and I've. never liked doctors and it's very hard. for me now to have to like them but I do. and I get them lunch when I can cuz it's. a good thing to [ __ ] do because. that's all we can do we can do nothing. else but I can I can order delivery that. is one of my skills I can or I could. call an Italian restaurant in Jersey and. have them drop off food at a hospital. and you can [ __ ] - okay so while.

you're waiting for the storm while. you're waiting for a 500,000 rich. pedophiles to be picked up by the. military during the period of the. internet being taken down while you're. waiting for that if you have a little. money go order some penne alla vodka for. the local nurses that are gonna drain. your lungs of fluid if they have to okay. because queuing on whoever that is is. probably not gonna be able to end to.

hook you up to ventilator and and I've. said I will apologize if queueing on is. correct nothing would make me happier. than seeing rich pedophiles arrested. especially some of them that the people. that you guys say are pedophiles if they. all ended up being pedophiles and get. arrested I would laugh my ass off and I. would be like hey I'd wear a qyn on. shirt I'd be like this is it now you. guys were right hey I was wrong I would. tell everyone that's all we would say. for the rest of our lives by the way if.

humans right all any of us would say for. the rest of our lives is you kidding I. couldn't believe it I thought they were. [ __ ] and and it turned out they're. [ __ ] Tom Hanks [ __ ] guy I had no. idea. and so they shut the internet down and. they brought over these hospital ships. to New York and we thought they were. gonna be dead too you know to help. people that were affected by his. pandemic but they were like filled with. [ __ ] Hollywood celebrities that were.

arrested I mean wow my favorite thing in. the tweet is that they say during the. three days they're the the the TV's. gonna come on and they're gonna explain. to everyone that the world is run by a. satanic pedophile cult that's my. favorite thing only because I want to. know how they're gonna get into it like. what newscaster do they choose to break. that news to the public what newscaster.

do they choose to be like to be like. hello everyone welcome to the program. today as you can imagine we have some. special breaking news you may have. noticed that the Internet has been shut. down and you can't use the phone except. to call 911 asking yourself why is it. some type of outage correct it's. actually a forced outage because well. let's all just rip the band-aid off the. world is run by a satanic pedophile call.

Tom Hanks is in it and we had to fake a. pandemic to arrest Tom Hanks now I know. some of you might have questions some of. you might have a few and this is not to. say that there aren't pedophiles or that. they're not very powerful but that some. of them art satanic I don't really care. about the religion of the pedophiles by. the way these people seem to leave that. Catholic pedophile why I don't. understand what about a Methodist.

pedophile are they not a problem but I. understand that I've done I've done. interviews on my show with the foremost. experts in this with none of them. believe in this theory Nick Bryant who. wrote the Franklin scandal. believe that Donald Trump is freeing to. none of them believe this and these are. the guys that wrote the books on the. [ __ ] things that you people have. understand but if I'm telling you right. now if it happens if it comes to. fruition and I again I'm still in the.

camp that would would rate that unlikely. but if it comes to fruition. I will apologize and I will just say hey. hey I was er off there but if it doesn't. now I challenge you if it doesn't happen. can we let it go now not not stop trying. to protect kids not trying to not stop. trying to [ __ ] bring people to. justice but can we stop believing that. this [ __ ] thing you think is gonna.

happen it's gonna happen can you grow up. can you [ __ ] grow up if it doesn't. happen if there's no internet outage and. they don't and I love that you dummies. are like there's 500,000 sealed. indictments like they're gonna need. indictments if it's really that bad and. they're getting they're taking a satanic. pedophile cult that controls the world. too taking them into custody they're. gonna read them their rights they're. gonna do indictments they're gonna go by. the book they're gonna make it by the. book if they're all living on. adrenochrome and murdering kids are. gonna be like oh we don't treat.

terrorists like we're gonna treat them. we're gonna treat them better than we. treat terrorists like we're gonna we're. gonna we're gonna read them their rights. we throw Arab guys in Guantanamo Bay. who've done nothing but we're gonna read. Tom Hanks his rights we could hand him a. suit make sure he's indicted properly. and brought through the system if he's. been living off the adrenochrome. harvested from scared children and. sacrifices you really think we need. indictments at that point guys guys this.

is what happens when you take a few. nuggets of something that's undeniably. true that the world is run by sick. freaks the world is run by some very. sick people not all of them but a lot of. them they're into heinous [ __ ] some of. it includes the abuse of children and. the murder of children a hundred percent. but if you think that all the justice is. being. delivered uh tomorrow for that I think.

you're wrong and I'm a conspiracy guy. like I'm a guy that is very receptive to. a lot of these ideas and thinks here's. what you do if how about this what about. this storm give everyone that's not a. pedophile. a Ridge wallet there's a lifetime. warranty if you love it in free returns.

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comm slash Tim T I am that's Ridge. dot-com slash Tim T I am and use the. code T I am link in description get a. high genic sleek wallet super important. go to Drudge there's a few funny. articles Henry Kissinger writes in. article pandemic alters world order. which is you know just one of the. peanuts like we need you know we need. and you know there's an argument for. this I mean Kissinger of course is a war.

criminal said she said you know he's you. know grandpa genocide but he's like we. need more global cooperation to defeat. these types of pandemics you know. potentially potentially I also think it. was probably not a good idea to have. everything built in other countries. because corporations didn't want to pay. their workers so now you know look at. the percentage of medicine it's made in. China this is jarring this is the amount. this is a percentage of pharmaceuticals. that are made in [ __ ] China okay.

[Music]. American pharmaceuticals made in China. go to which medicines are made in China. I'm telling you go to go down here's. what's made in China okay. drugs for blood pressure medicine. Alzheimer's Parkinson's epilepsy. depression so much [ __ ] dude ibuprofen. go to ibuprofen how much of that they. make in China dude so much of the. over-the-counter medications and even. serious medications that people need are.

made in China this is the problem when. you outsource everything if you have a. war if there's the supply chain. breakdown you cannot get the types of. medications that you need last month the. US China economic and security review. Commission held a hearing on the United. States growing reliance on China's. pharmaceutical products ninety seven. percent of all antibiotics in the US. came from China. ninety. 7% of all antibiotics come from China.

centralization of the global supply. chain of medicines in a single country. makes it vulnerable to interruption. whether by mistake or design if we're. dependent on China for thousands of. ingredients and raw materials to make. our medicine. China could use this dependence as a. weapon against us at any time so even if. you don't care about workers you don't. care about wages you certainly care. about your kids getting medication you. certainly care about at ninety seven. percent of all antibiotics and there's.

other stuff too so I mean this is part. of the reason that I think that it's. kind of a fantasy to suggest I do think. you need globe the global cooperation to. defeat pandemics and and threats of that. nature but I think it's this you know. globalization which is truly just this. financial system that has you know. primarily benefited wealthy people or. benefited people in certain industries.

and has decimated large swathes of the. country and a lot of workers that system. is the system that allows a lot of. essential products to be made in labor. markets where the labor costs of. producing those products is the lowest. and that becomes a problem it becomes a. big problem when you can't get those. [ __ ] products so you know Henry. Kissinger goes out there with a not bad. and he's like well we need you know we.

don't want to put up more walls and we. don't want to you know but it's like hey. buddy so here here uh you know so we go. down here to my favorite paragraph go. down a little bit he goes leaders are. dealing with this crisis on a largely. national basis but the virus society. dissolving effects do not recognize. borders while the assault on human. health will hopefully be temporary the. political and economic upheaval it has. unleashed could last for generations.

no country not even the US can in a. purely national effort overcome the. virus addressing the necessities of the. movement must ultimately be coupled with. agloe. collaborative vision and program true. but some of the economic upheaval are. gonna be people going we're living in a. [ __ ] system that doesn't work Henry. we're living in a system that's not. [ __ ] working for anybody some of the. economic upheavals gonna be people kind. of wake in the [ __ ] up. and he's like we need a global.

collaborative vision and program how. much do you want it bad that global. collaborative vision doesn't include. anybody that makes under you know ten. million dollars a year how many people. are gonna be collaborating that aren't. millionaires not not many I understand. that you don't want to be an. isolationist country the Fox News people. that just keep yelling China over and.

over again you know Trump is so good he. knew he knew cuz what the left should. have done is when he said it's the. Chinese virus the left could have said. hey man we don't care what you call it. we should have had tests why didn't we. have tests that's the you know that's. and that stops his that doesn't give him. but the left has to write all these. iPads about like stop calling it the. title off and then so trumping out there. they're in a tit-for-tat about what you. call the foe who cares why didn't we. have tests why are you bragging about. the ratings on a press calm but you know.

everybody just Falls for it man and if. you're old enough and you're smart. enough you you simply realize that these. political solutions are not gonna work. and you just hope to God for science you. pray that somebody smarter than anybody. that we know is gonna figure a way out. of this because the people that did that. we that are tasked right now with. solving this problem they don't have a. clue I mean Jared Kushner he doesn't. have a clue I mean good luck but keep.

doing what you do and keep keep getting. through it keep calling people every day. with bad news it makes you feel a little. better keep calling them wake them up. with it oh sorry did I wake you. you got to hear what I read gotta hear. what I read there's a study coming out. of China right now. that says rats to get coronavirus grow. to six feet long they're eating dogs. they'll be here soon anyway have a good.

day how you holding up. everybody's calling you now they're. saying that how you holding up how are. you holding up as soon as they say that. ask for money oh good can I get it can I. get a towel can I get a grand I'm doing. good I love a thousand dollars I love a. thousand cash please I want to buy some. masks you know but I mean you know we.

had a lot of fun on the patreon not to. plug the patreon but the Patriot APUs. ODEs are really funny really good you. know I mean we do try to put work into. them we don't ask you to pay for it. something that sucks we do try to put. work but we try to do with the Patriot. Pasillas their audio only but we drive. around trying to drive around and it's. funny and I have a different a little. bit of a different vibe but I'm driving. I feel free I used to love to drive I. used to love to blow a few lines of.

cocaine on my nose and drive my dad's. Mississippi she gallant until I smashed. it into that front into the car with. some some grandmother but she lived she. lived enough so grandmother with the. kids. I got her head on I made a left turn. from the right lane and ruined her day. smacked my Secretary's head on - she. lived she's a big woman but I used to. love to drive the freedom the freedom of. driving with nowhere to go just driving.

through the wasteland of the culture. just driving through the pandemic seeing. the boarded up storefronts seeing the. people looking at you from their houses. wondering if you've come to take what. they have and make it yours. looking at the suspicious people and the. scared children and the pets that don't. quite understand what's going on. looking at the shuttered bars and. performance spaces seeing the Comedy. Store with these very [ __ ] spooky. sign that doesn't have any names on the.

marquee it just says stay healthy. something you'd find in an apocalyptic. film in a. dirted town when you were trying to. figure out what the hell happened we're. living in a movie folks we're living in. a movie and you're in the movie you're. in the movie I don't know for how long I. don't know how long I'll be in the movie. that's the fun about the movie we don't. know when and if this ends we're all. filled with uncertainty and we're. concocting stories and ideas in our head. to try to make it okay we have to we're.

pattern-seeking creatures we want. justice enter the queue and on people we. want explanations for why this is. happening we haven't fully truly given. ourselves to the randomness and cruelty. of whatever this existence is maybe it. is a simulation maybe it's not maybe. we're just fungus on a rock and not. nothing means anything and we're just. here and and you know the few moments. you get listening to my show or you know. having kids or whatever makes you happy. you know those few moments make it all.

worthwhile because that's truly what it. is you got to resign yourself to that. now you have to prepare yourself to die. folks I mean that's really what it is. you have to prepare yourself for the end. because nobody is guaranteed tomorrow. okay and you got to think about how you. want to live the rest of your days you. have to prepare now prepare for the end. and the way that you're gonna prepare. for the end is move back in with your. religious parents and start [ __ ]. cliff the town bad boy become friends.

with your arch nemesis from high school. she's a fat [ __ ] and she's got stretch. marks on her neck and you become friends. with her and you eat at Denny's with her. late at night and you start smoking. cigarettes and doing coke and you hang. out in a local bar with a fat bartender. named Erica and you let your boss at the. construction company pump you and cheat. on his wife as he shoves his half-hard. penis into your vagina and you don't. even wash it anymore because what does. it matter it all becomes one smell your.

vag and the dirty Denny's floor it all. becomes one smell and it's not a bad. smell and it's not a good smell it just. smells warm and rotten but when you. smell it you realize what that smell is. it's home it's home and we're all going. home one way or another. see you next week. [Music].