#189 - Welcome To The Show, Hillary | The Tim Dillon Show

coronavirus would be the best thing that. happened to this country welcome to the. program everybody I am 100% in support. of a full-scale pandemic of coronavirus. in this country get people off the. streets out of the malls into their. homes get them [ __ ] out of their cars. close the schools and make the kids. shoot their families and not each other. I think it would be a great change of. pace in this country for a worldwide.

flu-like pandemic to hit I'm in support. of it I look at the cases every day and. I get angry there's not more everybody. go in their house and start a podcast. that's it there will be nothing left the. economy will collapse everybody will. come either a podcaster or a cam girl or. boy and you'll either diddle yourself on. camera or you'll yell into a microphone. and that's how this society should. should appropriately disintegrate with.

everybody sitting in front of a green. screen Ben and me have talked about this. this is how it ends. everybody back into the house in front. of the green screen live-streaming and. broadcasting that's it and just delivery. people that that brave the elements to. deliver us our pokeballs and our general. towels chicken that's it that's exactly. how the American experiment should end. with everybody in their home ordering.

rogue casters and microphones and. headphones from Amazon have them being. delivered by drone and live-streaming. and deciding who's responsible for the. pandemic is it Jews is it [ __ ] Leah. no is it the [ __ ] deep state who is. it is it the Chinese the Tchaikovsky us. and we could spend the rest of our lives. theorizing about why exactly this is.

happening what a great opportunity to. blitz put enough with the pop-up stores. and it's an experience we're having an. experience we're filling these little. boots with cheesecake. enough go home lockdown I love that idea. no more fun experiences no more you know. vacations you can't go to Iceland. anymore and swim in a hot spring and put.

it on Instagram you can't stay in an. igloo. you have to just stay in your home and. then you you the only money that you'll. ever make now because you can't go. outside the only money you're ever gonna. be late makers and super chats. livestreams patreon subscriptions a. limited selection emerge that's. available because we'll have. self-driving cars that is it and I'm so. excited for that I'm excited for that. and I think everyone should be too let's. finally do it let's finally sever our.

selves from the remaining bit of reality. that we live in which is really just. annoying reality's just annoying now. traffic and weather it's annoying shut. it down black out the windows that's the. move I mean think about it you so much. of what we do now is online so much of. who we are we're just creatures that. respond to stimuli that's delivered to. us through our devices why have you know.

this fantasy that were you gonna go to a. national park one day and we'll hike up. a hill. stop it means nothing nature's fake and. it's annoying go into the darkness and. stay there put up the green screen you. broadcast nature behind you we have. opted for the darkness because we knew. it was coming. we knew coronavirus was coming you don't. think we you don't think we have a. [ __ ] little studio like everybody. else the cash app is shoving cash up. their ass so they have a cute little. studio look it's so cute we will edit.

that out if they invest they are not. sponsoring us yeah we will add it that. out then gives me a locally wait a. minute but not yet they haven't so what. we've done is we have the darkness now. and if you don't like that if it's too. you know if audible.com doesn't think. this is suitable content well then [ __ ]. off it doesn't matter soon it's not. gonna matter soon because it's all going. to be burning and. graves that's right I hope I'm only. nervous I get very nervous that this is. actually being hyped and inflated by the.

media and that none of the you know. ideations in my head will come true I. hope that that's not the case but there. is there is an argument to be made that. actually maybe the media's hyping this. up and this is more of a flu and the. people that don't have already. compromised immune systems ie. you know not the elderly or children. probably won't be that affected by it. that would be the worst case scenario. the best case scenario is within two to. three months we're starting to see lock.

downs we're starting to see travel bans. we're starting to see schools closed. governments closed you see a little. civil unrest on the edges on the margins. you know a couple of Molotov through the. window nothing coordinated yet because. we need time and then you know it. becomes like the stand the Stephen King. miniseries which I enjoyed was my father. in the 90s to stand we watched it every. night and my father looked at me when I. was a child and he said son this will. happen one day he was great he was. really good at his job and parenting he.

said to me oh those a child's like eight. or nine watching this and he goes this. is what's gonna happen and they loaded. up everybody on military vehicles and I. was excited then I said well that sounds. good you know that sounds good you know. that sounds like a nice fun development. even then I knew that this was probably. heading in the right direction so every. now and then like will we get a SARS or. an avian bird flu I kind of get excited. and it always turns into nothing it. always turns into nothing swine flus. nothing ever everything's fake but I.

mean it could be real fun because you. know and a lot of people are watching. this probably you know just seems a. heartless and cruel no I don't want. people to die I've been clear about that. I just don't want them to leave their. homes I want them to fully integrate. into the darkness that we are in right. now I don't want anyone to die I need. listeners I'm not an idiot. I need people listening to me what I. don't need is people stomping around.

outside outside is the enemy that's. where the diseases. you go back right in your hovel and. listen that's right that's right Jimmy. Fallon and James Corden they love to do. their shows from maybe their homes and. they have massive estate so they can you. know that Jimmy found could still do the. Muppets and his estate cuz he can't. leave and Gordon can still you know with. the top hat and a cane whatever he does.

they can all still do that in their. homes you know I just I just think. that's gonna be great then there's gonna. be people you know without shows and. they'll be listening but I think. everyone will start to have a show. that's when you know things are gonna be. good when when everyone that you've ever. met is sitting at their kitchen table. eating cereal in front of a green screen. and just ranting and I mean they haven't. showered in days they've ran out of. antidepressants they're screaming and. they're screaming into the void I mean.

you can see there's sunken in eyes and. they're emaciated they're starting to. lose weight because there are shortages. now of course food shortages and and. they're drinking and you know whatever. they keep whatever drugs they can get. their hands on and they're starting to. hallucinate and their shows are getting. really good you know they're getting. really good watching someone to generate. on air is actually very entertaining. it's very entertaining to watch somebody. lose it. marble by marble it's fascinating it's. actually a great watch you know it would. be much better instead of having the. Tonight Show they should have a. schizophrenic at progressively more.

insane every single day and that would. be much better you know I mean so that. that's where I'm at with coronavirus I. don't know what's gonna happen. I'm unaware of what's gonna happen I'm. just saying let's not also let's look at. the benefits there's a lot of benefits. imagine this did you see the checkpoint. in China when the guy tried to get. through it they just threw a bag over. his head and threw him in a van. imagine that happening on Melrose at a. sneaker store they just start bagging up.

those little kids those hypebeast who. wait all day to buy supreme sweatshirt. they just start bagging them because. they refuse to checkpoints they bag a. little [ __ ] and put them in take him. out get him out of here that's a good. thing that's not a bad thing I think. we're being a little that's just. again maybe maybe it's I love the people. on cruise ships for getting it I've a. bit about cruise I have a bit about. cruises in my act there is no type of.

vacation that more defines the fat. boomer generation than the cruise a. disgusting floating toilet where fat. privileged pigs can sit and eat and. drink and gorge themselves for days and. then show up to another [ __ ] island. where people used to live before they. were cleared out by Carnival and Royal. Caribbean and [ __ ] and they show up. and they just get out and they walk. their 400-pound asses around and they. buy magnets and fake jewelry and they.

[ __ ] eat Taco Bell quesadillas and. they think you're having a cultural. experience there's nothing more. quintessentially American and pulling up. to an impoverished third-world country. in a floating country I mean pulling up. where you have there's 60 chefs on some. of these boats 60 chefs you're pulling. up to a country with one doctor and it's. a witch doctor it's not even a real. doctor it's somebody who waves [ __ ]. boom you know. ferns at you when you're sick and and. and so the fact that those people are.

being quarantined and they're not. letting the back on the mainland and. they're killing them I mean I just I'm. trying to see the negative in this. pandemic I've been trying to see it I've. been trying to see the negative in this. pandemic all week I have people calling. me concern they're like somebody called. me I swear to God my aunt called me she. goes this is horrible what if you can't. do stand-up comedy anymore and you just. have to do your podcast from your house. but I don't have to walk into a mall and.

entertain people choking on chicken. fingers no that's crazy I just get to. communicate with my fans and never see. hear or touch them wow that does sound. like a horror what a nightmare. blink and bring on the bubonic plague. bring it on. you know there are people that have died.

now that is sad and I want to say that. I do want to say that I don't know any. of the people who've died I get it I get. that that is sad I don't want to sound. like a total sociopath I'm just saying. there are silver linings to all the. clouds you know the stock market's. losing money that's fun you know I'm not. really invested in the stock market I. don't really care what happens I don't. care so I mean I don't want the economy.

to completely tanked and people not. being able to support me via patreon /. the tim dylan show which you all should. be [ __ ] on already because we're. doing great work over there stop. consuming everything for free have some. pride take some pride support your local. artists don't you love when you first. get into comedy you do these horrible. shows and the backs of bars and like. they put they make these flyers these. people and most of these people are. delusional psychopaths who should be. taken out in the street and shot and. there they're you know comedians you.

know I'm on Keita it's like we get it. and these people they put on the flyer. like support live comedy and support. local artists and support Lee it's like. what it's just so funny the idea of that. it's like support live kind it's like. people do they do support live comedy. they don't support you they don't. support you and there's no that's. because there's nothing to support. there's nothing to support those shows. should be done in front of people that. are unlucky enough to be boozing their. life away in that particular institution.

on that evening that's what it is if you. were drunk and you're not home with your. family you might get somebody yelling. into a microphone in your space that's. what it is I performed in a lot of those. bars on Long Island where people were. just trying to throw their lives away. and I'm like hold on I'm trying to throw. my life away I want to ruin my life and. they're like I'm here to ruin my life. and the quiet you know and it was just. that tug of war of two groups of people. both wanting to completely sever their. relationships with society trying to.

figure out who I've watched bars throw. their that like their entire business. model was based on doing open my comedy. and their regulars the only people that. are making money from we're like what. the [ __ ] is going on I just come here to. drink I. come here cuz my local watering hole. it's a gin mill it's a blood box I come. here you know I come here to just. [ __ ] disassociate from my [ __ ]. life and then I have to like be. inundated with a stream of psychopaths.

who have convinced themselves that. they're following their dream is there. anything more disgusting than when. someone's bombing in like a bar or. something they go oh and no one's. listening to them and no one should be. and they go oh it's alright I'm just. living my dream up here well then you. have a shitty dream you have a shitty. dream and no one should respect your. dream oh it's just my dream appeared. that's all it's just my dream that's. your dream to stand by a pool table in a.

bar and perform to seven people because. somebody told you in the cubicle next to. you that you had something to say you. have nothing to say until the pandemic. where you will make no money unless you. figure out something to say real quick. and livestream it um I want to let you. know that the I'm gonna go on door - now. and see where the Cheesecake Factory. quesadilla order is we live in Los. Angeles there's not a lot of good.

Mexican food in Los Angeles so what. we've done is ordered quesadillas from. the Cheesecake Factory because they are. very good and a lot of the authentic. Mexican in LA some of it is good but a. lot of it is dog food and I don't want. to eat lizard meat and you know and the. guacamole is never good it's always a. creamy and it's not you know and some. Mexican here is great but I mean some of. it is just like you know enough already. with it you know and there's nothing. wrong a quesadilla to me feels American. except unless you go to that place the.

Deen Del Rey told me about in San. Francisco in the Mission District I. forget the name of it El Farolito. amazing the best steak quesadilla in the. United States of America at El Farolito. and it's nice and you can eat it and. then walk directly outside and watch a. man pick off the rest of his face. there's nothing better than that. you can watch someone take a nice. steaming [ __ ] right on the curb San. Francisco you know so it's really really. it truly. it should be arriving in 30 minutes you.

know but I like uh you know there was a. great thread on Twitter about the. Cheesecake Factory it was a phenomenal. thread that somebody wrote it was just. about the aesthetic of the Cheesecake. Factory see if you can find that see. what's amazing about Bonnie's young. Jamie of course would have had it up. already cuz as soon as I mention it he. would start looking for it but Ben then. you have to look directly in his eyes. and say to him in unbroken English can.

you try to locate the thing I'm talking. about now to make the show better. because that might be interesting young. Jamie a crane of Rogen's knack or just. of the way Jamie would have it up. already but Ben you have to say to Ben. like Kent hi hi I'm the toast can you do. can you pull it up and I was waiting for. more info you've read it now a.

cheesecake fact I know why start typing. in I was very very serious. I was very mysterious when I said a. Twitter thread about the way the. Cheesecake Factory looked the aesthetics. which means the look of the cheesecake. it was very mysterious how would you. possibly know that I wanted you to look. for a thread on Twitter about the. Cheesecake Factory. I should have emailed you I should have. done show prep which I refused to do.

because really to be honest [ __ ] you. people oh we're heading into a pandemic. ok I've been on shows where they do show. prep their nightmares ok can you read it. yeah this person deleted their threads. so I know are you serious yeah but I. found it on Mashable so let me see if I. can this is the I wonder what corner the. Internet bends down like this I don't. know if this is clearly the thread that. I'm talking about like Benny's found. some thread where some guys like I was. sitting in the Cheesecake Factory and I.

started thinking about different. cultures developed in different parts of. the globe which me and I'm like no. that's not it it's about the way it. looks but it's I think the argument is. Cheesecake Factory is the most American. restaurant in the country which I think. it is I don't think that other than. McDonald's I don't know if there's an. argument that there's any other. restaurant that is more emblematic of. our failed experiment then a restaurant.

called The Cheesecake Factory a factory. I mean it's just an amazing. so the Cheesecake Factory essentially. grew out of a Los Angeles bakery. business then in 1992 they brought on. hospitality to designer Ric McCormack. and [ __ ] went off the rails we're. talking Victorian Egypt. Rococo off the rails I mean check out. this exterior greco-roman cornices am I. saying that right cornice cornices cor.

okay seashells above the pseudo arced. doors topped with a dome airlifted from. [ __ ] Saint Basil's the interior is a. world of aesthetic chaos that feels like. a mix between a Fry's Electronics and. overgrown panera and a laser tag arena. it's sensational. palm trees set aside to thousands chic. glass lighting fixtures French limestone. floors mosaics fresco like murals pseudo. Egyptian faces top columns with hybrid. palm frond lotus blossom designs and.

pseudo hieroglyphics it's unchecked. white exotics ISM / Orientalism run amok. with a huge budget some elements like. the faces third eye and the so on like. sconces board a lion on a cult flavor. it's really wild now let me ask you a. question can you read can you actually. that was a vet that was it was a lot of. words it was it was a lot it was it was. uncomfortable for me to watch you go. through that they said because he went. to a Christian school where the only.

word you you learn at his spell is Jesus. and no that was a good job you did a. good job it's the listen there's a lot. of words in there I get it there's a lot. of different words back to back over and. over again that's the problem. word after word after word after word. but it is crazy like when you were. sitting in a Cheesecake Factory like. this doesn't even make. hence you look around and it is this. [ __ ] why I mean I used to go there. and I would sit there with friends and.

you know it's such a big thing in Long. Island and you would sit there and you'd. look around and you would just be like. what is this place. you do they have them in Texas yeah. absolutely yeah everywhere yeah I mean. it's a mall they're always in mall yeah. and they're always massive and I have. these just massive columns it looks like. you're eating in a set from Xena Warrior. Princess you know it's like you feel. like you just be sitting here with a. bunch of guys drinking jug wine and then. scene it would come in and just start.

[ __ ] you up except that's not Xena. it's a suburban real estate agent and. she's heating herb crusted salmon which. isn't bad with the lemon sauce it's not. bad it's not great their mashed potatoes. are good because they're filled with. like they just inject them with like I. don't know sugar and fat butter I have a. lot there was I got into an argument. somebody the other day they were like oh. you acted your foodie and everything but. you're kind of white trash because you. like condiments there's this anti. condiment movement going on right now. which I want to address what it was one. of my friend Michael who is genuine.

white trash whose nose has this arch in. it listen if you're lowborn. there's nothing wrong with this if. you're a highborn you I of a European. facial structure now many of you don't. notice X I'm fat and but go look at me. when I was a child it's European facial. structure now what that means is I have. an angular face like like like an. Abyssinian cat and Abyssinians an. Egyptian cat and not cars to feared jewy. like where it's sunken in and weird but.

I have it was an angular face and then I. got fat so then I got the American pot. like an apple pie fat but that's not. that's not me that's what I've done to. myself so I am highborn now and there's. nothing wrong with that I don't think it. makes you better than anyone but in. inherently and biologically it does. lowborn people my friend Michael has him. knows like I'm trying to look at that. Ben's nose is not bad it's really not. bad it's it's noses are in port like my.

friend Michael yours is fine thank you. michael has a. you've seen Michaels nose yeah right. what is it it's that it's like bent it. has a bit of a hook but it's not jewy do. I look those Jews run the world. yeah it's we're not [ __ ] on them and. don't isolate that what I'm saying is. that there's nothing when I see a big. nosh on a Jew I know that I'm dealing. with somebody that's [ __ ] caught in. most cases has their [ __ ] together but.

Michael is that he has that white trash. face that as it's kind of a bent nose. where it has like a little bend in the. middle of it and it just screams. working-class it your screams like. you're a nobody. when I see that crooked like bent nose I. go you're onobu you're a factory worker. you're a slob Europe you're punching in. you know and I support all those people. but it just it's you feel II I use I did.

they're identifiable and so Michaels. telling me he doesn't like condiments he. doesn't like ketchup but he doesn't like. mayonnaise shut up you know what I mean. first of all the only problem with. mayonnaise is that there's too much of. it. Maness is an essential component but it. can't be an individual it's not supposed. to be a component on the sandwich it's. supposed to be an enhancement so what. happens is because Americans are fat. disgusting irredeemable slobs they've. taken this [ __ ] and then just slapped it.

on things and it's gotten bet has all. kinds of flavors it's not supposed to be. like that ah but it's it's there's no. argument against Mayo it's just there's. too much of it and when there's too much. of it it it is gross it is disgusting. but these are all cut ropes for white. trash cut your barbecue sort of mustard. and old stuff what are you saying. what do you shame you know this is a kid. that I got in an argument with because.

he said he was gonna pick me up from the. airport picking up for the airport he. offered he said to me I'll pick you up. and drive you to the airport listen to. this listen to this and then after all. I'm gonna give out his phone number at. his address. but listen to this I don't want to. announce these should I say that he's. say whatever you want I can cut it out. if you don't know we're not cutting it. out. he's having a baby okay he's gonna have. a baby that's cool yeah I mean take me.

to the airport here's the thing you. offered you offered you said to me I'll. pick you up this listen why doesn't pick. me up this piece of [ __ ] it is a half. hour before he's supposed to be at my. house like 8 o'clock in the morning at. 7:30 he calls me I don't answer now I. don't answer because I'm asleep but it. doesn't matter I could have been in the. shower you when you say I'm gonna be. there at 8:00 what do you do you be. there at 8:00 right you don't call a. half-hour before I'm not canceling my. trip you know I need the ride and then. he says I'm not coming I'm not coming.

too so I'm like how do I get the kid. back I thought long and hard about it I. was like shut up cause his mom died of. pancreatic cancer last year I'm like. should I get faced her grave is there. waited to face I've never even been. faced a grave in my eye but you could. hire people right to the face of grave. what if you dug her up. I'm just these are the thoughts I'm. having in my head now I understand these. are the thoughts I'm having in my head.

what and this is one of my best friends. he's I truly I love the guy and he's. been very good to me I think doordash. might be here he's been very good to me. and I do love him he's like a brother. but I'm like what if we dug up his. mother or to face the grave you know. what I mean put swastikas on it try to. get her kicked out of the cemetery then. I was like maybe because I know as a dad. and I was dad's phone number I loved his. father's father's a great man. could I pay people to call his father as.

his mother in the middle of the night. and pretend that it's the mother calling. the father and maybe she's like I'm in. hell what do you do to me I'm in hell. I'm thinking about like how do I. creatively do something because it's you. don't not drive someone to the airport. it's not right mm-hmm. it's not right I confronted him about it.

and he's like oh I have uber can you. leave it in there just we're gonna wrap. up we'll eat and then we're gonna come. back and do more. but come here for a second Brian because. I want your thoughts on this what if I. had cuz I was father's number I love his. father as far as a good man but is it. fun to get back at him by having someone. call the father in the middle of the. night as the dead mother and claiming to. be in hell like like she goes yarman so.

I'm like she now I'm like now I find I. oh he's having a baby. do we kill his trials like these are all. because you don't not jump to somebody. for the airport what about the dog I. blocked his dog on Instagram. his dog is on Instagram I blocked his. dog because I didn't want him trying to.

get to me through the dog right I. started talking to him since then but. he's he doesn't deserve me as a friend. he doesn't deserve a celebrity friend. he's in the weed business which is the. most boring thing ever and he drones on. and on about grow operation no one gives. a [ __ ] shut up Tommy no one cares what. you're talking about at all. with your [ __ ] weed business yeah. you're [ __ ] working for a drug dealer. okay. he's not Warren Buffett he's a [ __ ]. drug dealer and I'm glad that you're I'm. glad. oh and that's every weed company that's.

fine I'm glad you're making money doing. it I don't think it should be illegal. but let's not talk about it like it's a. fascinating [ __ ] a bit it's just not. it's not a fascinating bit Oh what do. you love the weed people bought a weed. shut up we get it enough you're a boring. [ __ ] so ugiy is he's just a boring pouty. little [ __ ] she pouts a lot he's always. like you know so he's dating someone. who's gonna have his child who is a in.

the dreamer program she's a dreamer can. I get her deport I mean genuinely can I. get her to commit a crime can I convince. her to commit a crime can I go to her to. commit a crime so I could get her. deported these are all thoughts. that are appropriate these are. appropriate sought you can't let people. [ __ ] you. am I wrong here no I didn't do a lot of.

this it takes too much effort we put too. much money into the studio I can't hire. people to deface graves I just thought I. can't pay everyone I got too many I'm a. penis guy could barely talk could barely. talk you can't look anything up I should. have him to face a grave I should tell. him that's part of it what he's doing. now you going to face a grave. I've decided not to I've decided to. start speaking it to him again on a. limited basis to see if he can earn the. friendship back but don't enough with.

the con tell me I can't have condiments. you know but this is the thing it's like. how do you get anyone back now how do. you get anyone back you can either cut. them off or you have to go big you. really have to go big you know we're. gonna take a break now we probably need. to reheat the quesadillas anyway because. you know it's the traffic in the city is. like you order something you get it. three days later they've eaten half of. it you know what I mean these people all. these a lot of these people living in.

their vehicles it's very hard like. they're they're sleeping on a you know a. [ __ ] pizza bar it's like it's a nice. and it's it other nightmare here which. is why what a joy a pandemic would be. what a great change of pace. everybody was like mad about the. pandemic there all the worst people. through all the worse. oh my god I hold the pen I don't know. I'm just sort of sex we're going to. Mexico and it's coronavirus I hope that. it doesn't oh I hope it does it does I.

hope you're wheezing on a beach I hope. you're wheezing on a beach somewhere I. hope your girls weekend go south so. quickly I hope you're wheezing on a. beach and I hope that there's [ __ ]. little Chinese guys would [ __ ] you. know like those big [ __ ] bug nets and. they're just [ __ ] throwing them over. you because that's what happened to the. other guy and that that's where I'm. thinking but I'm gonna be friendly again. with with Michael but I think wasn't he. wrong using the wrong completely he.

should take you out maybe on a vacation. or you should run. house out in Malibu for the weekend I. think you should go [ __ ] these are good. ideas to win back my French would that. be enough for you something like that no. it would be a start it would be a start. to open a dialogue I think that would be. a start to open a dialogue okay he is. really one of my best friends he's. helped me out when I was like now he's. like me money before when I wasn't doing. well and everything like that but listen. we can't live on the old times.

you know what I mean like we have to we. have to realize I did I would feel weird. like going into facing his mother's. grave that would probably be too much. right you think so then said it gets. illegal also then say that cuz he's a. Christian all this mumbo-jumbo believe. in all this mumbo-jumbo when I'm dead. you could I want you to take me out.

[ __ ] party on and [ __ ] throw my. fingers in a restaurant and stuff I want. you to take my rotting corpse use it up. political so I don't even have to agree. with I don't even have to agree with. what your stance is you just take my. rotting corpse and go all over the place. with it. I mean I'm for it you know I just hope. that people aren't listening to the show. and they've found out that or they think. that I'm a bad person because I had some.

of those thoughts because those are. normal thoughts to have when you are. wronged like that by a friend who says. I'm on my way to work now I called you. you didn't answer I thought something. was up so I turned around and went the. other way what excuse me no good no good. so I thought there would have been. nothing wrong with you know or calling.

or I was thinking about accusing him of. rape like as a woman like as a woman. creating a woman or paying a woman or. several women attentively to accuse him. of rape or to call his parents like his. father his brother and say I was. rapes I'm not gonna do it I'm not gonna. do any of it because I'm you know but. these are all this is what they call.

proportional response. he has your air pods also you know now. that I think about it he still does have. my air pots I had to go buy $200 air. pods I'm gonna deface the gray I think. I'm gonna deface the grave I really. think what if I just write Trump 2020 on. the bread and so people think she's a. trump supporter all right let's go eat. we'll be back all right we're back.

everybody I did a spot at the Comedy. Store in LA a lot of fun we are on the. second leg of the show we're slightly. calmer I filled in for a lysis Lessing. her and me and her have different fan. bases so there was a lot of hot chicks. in the show with the boots up on the. stage but it was a great set they were a. fun audience and I'm thankful that I was.

you know thanks for putting me in coach. a lot of fun some of the women you know. chatted during my set but I get it if. you come to see her and you see get you. get me it's a little bit of a culture. shock you know I get it. she's very successful she's I don't I. don't I met her once and it was we had a. little bit of uh it was like it wasn't.

great you know our meeting it wasn't. phenomenal I don't know you know. I'm not gonna go into it I don't want to. start airing you know whatever wasn't it. wasn't anything memorable she wouldn't. remember me it's just like you know. people said to me they're like you have. any you have any opinion on the Pete. Davidson Louis thing and you know and. Pete specially described I'm like I'm. like yeah I have an opinion on it. they're both millionaires and I'm not.

so I'll stay out of that and I'll let. them handle it and I'll ask them to you. know buy me a doughnut you know like the. that that's where I'll that's my. position what's what's your position on. the Louie Dave what I don't know either. of them what are you talking about. they're both doing great. I met a studio here in an apartment. we're trying to we're trying to live.

trying to survive I got a [ __ ] decide. which one of them I want to alienate I. support both of them I agree with both. of you fine sirs and if either one you. want to produce anything I'm doing let's. you know Hillary Clinton is starting a. podcast and many people know my affinity. for Hillary Clinton and I don't even. mean as a joke I do respect you can't be.

a student of history and not have some. level I don't want to use the word. affection but you you are in awe of. certain people's abilities certain. people's abilities even if they are. murderers even if they have sexual.

problems as her husband seems to but you. look at a guy like that it was a Rhodes. Scholar smart guy the human brain is. fascinating some of the most talented. people in the world have things that are. deeply wrong with them Michael Jackson.

you know maybe Woody Allen I don't know. maybe. [Laughter]. I you know allegedly like brilliant. people insanely talented people in in. certain cases have real issues you know.

Bill Clinton was an incredibly gifted. political mind watch his speeches watch. his ability to communicate with people. he would go into a room and make these. you know single mothers think he gave a. [ __ ] and he wanted to [ __ ] he didn't. give a [ __ ] he wanted a [ __ ] it's a.

different it's an amazing skill set and. there's very few people that I've seen. have things that approximate that skill. set up close. some people are magic I've met a few. people that are magic have those. cuadrado Carmichael comedian producer. has a quality of magic where when you. are talking to him you feel like you're. the only person he's talking to or.

thinking about or he's he makes you feel. very good now he's a good guy I'm not. saying that this is not you know who he. is but I'm also saying that like it's a. skill it's a skill some of these people. are great salesmen some of them are. great politicians none of the words. because the word salesman makes you. think of somebody like me you know it. doesn't make you what I'm what I'm.

trying to describe is hard to really put. into words because it's it's a magical. quality that certain people have star. power or whatever you want to say it's. infectious you want them to like you you. trust them you Hillary Clinton did not. have any of that she didn't have it her. husband had it Hillary has a lot of. other qualities she. great deal maker she's a great. behind-the-scenes operator she's you.

know a tough [ __ ] she knows how to you. know string up a noose metaphorically. but Clinton was elected the governor of. art you know he went to where did he go. Georgetown Yale Harvard Oxford Yale. Oxford Georgetown his mentor's a guy. named Carol Quigley who wrote a book.

called tragedy and hope which is this. huge epic history of the world in our. time talks about you know the eastern. establishment the anglo-american Empire. everything it's really a history of. everything you know people have put it. you know as uh you know it's like. they've said the genre is you know. conspiracy literature but it's really. it's it's much more than that. it's really an amazing compendium of all.

of these councils and all of these. groups of people that have shaped and. continued to shape the world and that. was Clinton's mentor and Clinton was. elected to governor of Arkansas I. believe 31 he was like the boy governor. he was a young governor right about the. time the CIA was flying you know planes.

full of coke and a Mena Arkansas and. dropping off that so that we could put. it into inner cities and fund the. Contras. it was you know that's there's so much. evidence of that and Clinton was you. know like hey you know kept his mouth. shut. there were two boys who were hanging out. down by where one of those drops was. happening and I think their name were.

like Kevin Liles and Don something I. don't know the boys on the tracks. was the documentary about it or the film. about it and they and they were. somewhere in the secret airfield or. wherever when they were they had. witnessed something they should not have. witnessed and then like many young teens. do they ended up smoking marijuana and. falling asleep on the train tracks. well I've smoked a lot of weed and I've.

never fallen asleep on the train tracks. but this is the story you have their. names Don Henry and Kevin Ives yeah. Kevin Ives and Don Henry and they ended. up you know falling asleep on the train. tracks and getting killed nobody bought. this but you know they witnessed. something they shouldn't have witnessed. this is when you know and his Clinton. the governor at this time I'm pretty. sure he is yes he is yeah Clinton's the. governor of Arkansas during this time so.

again this is you know his bona fides. are established here he then is mentored. and guided you know then he ends up I'd. like to build a bird conference again is. the governor of Arkansas what is the. state of Arkansas I have to stay about. International Finance not much but he. ends up there and then he ends up. getting elected to the presidency twice. and defeating George HW Bush friend of. the show than many episodes on him.

many episodes on the Bush family don't. worry about them they get a poppin you. know yeah there's no shrinking violets. over there they're deeply connected much. deeper than the Clintons the Clintons. were like trash you know in in the sense. that they were you know being you but. the people that make the Clintons lie. can I do it too as a joke you make them. like into a boogeyman they're not. running the show they are there they're. a moral people that is why I do it. because I want you to know how a moral.

your leaders are but when it comes you. know the bushes were deeply connected to. the intelligence apparatus deeply but. Hillary is now starting a podcast my. friend Hillary I mean I don't want to do. a million hacked. about her podcast it's just here's what. I will say how far the mighty have. fallen. [Laughter].

how far the mighty have fallen from the. world stage from murdering Vince Foster. from arranging the suicides of many of. your Secret Service people from the. Clinton Global Initiative laundering. dark money from all over the world from. the Epstein's from the islands from. little st. James to reading an ad for.

blue truth how the mighty have fallen. it comes for all of us at the end. doesn't it folks I talked about it. earlier in the show I watched a little. bit of a CPAC you know the Conservative. Political Action Conference I want to. say this and I want to be clear whether. you are a young college kid at CPAC in.

khakis and a blue blazer or you're in. skinny jeans at a Brooklyn DSA meeting. if you are actively involved in politics. when you're young you were a closeted. homosexual that is it if you and a bunch. of other men are going into hotel rooms. to debate each other stop it you're. wrong. you want to suck their [ __ ] I get it I. did it I was on the debate team I get a.

bunch of dudes in suits walking around a. hotel showing off their brains their big. hard brains I get it that might not be. all of you but the amount of hot sex. going on at CPAC right now the amount of. people taking balls to the chin after. listening to kimberly guilfoyle news. from that con artist remember her I mean. you gotta respect the level of grifter.

and con artists that's at CPAC. she was in gay she was like married to. Gavin Newsom of ran San Francisco he was. the Governor of Cal he's the Governor of. California now he was and now she's. dating Donald Trump jr. and then the pit. stop between those two was Fox News God. loved her. God loved her because there's a version. of her in Tampa getting railed out by a.

failed real estate developer doing lines. of coke on her waterfront property. that's really three blocks from the. beach but she [ __ ] her way into the. White House ish they're probably not. allowed in me but good for her these con. artists and the Democrats aren't any. better I mean if you're at a political. conference what are you doing. didn't you hear what I just said about.

Mena Arkansas and you think anything. Mercedes slap is saying Google Mercedes. slap who's this who's this broad she's. getting up in front of a conference room. socialism's bad it's an honor to die you. want to know who she is I'd love to know. she is she so I can hate on her she's an. American lobbyist and columnist oh great.

she served as White House director of. strategic communications in the Trump. administration since july 2019 she has. worked on the Trump 2020 reelection. campaign these people by and large have. nothing to say the Republican Party has. been devoid of anything listen guys like. Bill Kristol these guys justified. genocide but at least they wrote books. like at least they knew how to speak the. clown car of grifters liars and thieves.

that has become the modern Republican. Party is kind of hilarious and you know. listen not that the temp Amin the. Democratic Party I don't have to say. this you have nine people having him. breakdown on the debate stage every. night and and the CIA is and. [ __ ] billionaires send in Mike Mike. Bloomberg who like has far less charisma. than like moammar qaddafi like you know.

what I mean like this guy he's trying to. literally steal the election from people. that are Tom Styer is criminally insane. and I support him I'm a stye and but he. just performed with juvenile he just. does a rap thing with juvenile I think. they would do him back that ass up which. is a great song but Tom Starr is a. billionaire he's dancing on the stage. it's a country's a joke it's a literal. joke that you would you would you would.

pitch this show in a writers room and. get told to sober up nobody would. believe this. these are billionaires that are bored. and they're getting out there and. performing with rap she go to CPAC. and you watch everybody fight it out. everybody's talking about taxes and they. just want to suck each other's [ __ ] and. why not they find some some drag queen.

and went into a library and we're all at. by the way not only am I never seen a. drag queen in a library I've never seen. a library where are these libraries. who's reading who are all these children. being read who's reading where are the. reading programs I mean I've already. thought on record and said that it's it. seems very forced and weird that that. drag queens are in libraries reading. indicates who odd they're in weird.

costumes they're not overtly sexual but. in some of these dances they do are. suggestive and strange I don't I don't. I'm like what the [ __ ] I see this and I. have a natural aversion to anything. that's sexually but it's also. interesting that it's being portrayed as. a national epidemic that like it's just. happening all over the place and it's. like and a lot of it is because the. economic policies don't work and no one.

could get anything done in Washington. cuz like it's just gridlock and nothing. gets done so you just get a tax cut they. flood the market they they keep the. interest rates low they suppress them. artificially you know I mean it's just. wages don't go up healthcare doesn't get. fixed everything ends up costing more. money there's a certain amount of rage. that people have so you gotta like. directed at the real problems in the. country the drag queen in the library.

and Colin Kaepernick because that's what. they're talking about as CPAC those are. the big problems Colin Kaepernick and. the drag queens at the library are the. reason that you went bankrupt three. times because of a knee operation it's. like and and it's just the people that. are at CPAC and I'm not a model but some. of the people at CPAC like the way they. look like the German anti Greta and I've.

said Greta is creepy and strange and I. think it's weird that Democrats have no. problem throwing a seventeen-year-old. girl into the ring with Donald Trump I. mean it's barbaric you shouldn't have. kids making points I don't care what. David hog thinks I don't care what Greta. thinks how dare you like I don't I don't. want shield I don't need to be lectured. to by children and I think it's pretty. [ __ ] up to trot children out and let. them just get attacked but this girl.

looks I mean Naomi whatever he's see it. I mean it I mean this one she describes. herself as a climate realist has also. had to deny she made remarks that could. be seen as anti-semitic following an. attacked on a on a synagogue last year I. stand her we stand her here now I mean I. didn't know she was real no I'm kidding. I don't know I don't know it she's like.

but I have learned about the climate is. the jewel The Jewel will come like she's. at CPAC and she's like they're like. waving her down they're like you they're. giving her the light they're like it's. time to go you know at the end of his. speech she's like the tool comes into. your country. and they start to manipulate the weather. the weather and they're like alright. give her a hand everyone give her a hand. thanks so much fun. can you imagine going to a political.

conference what type of loser do you. have to be to be standing in a ballroom. listening to these people speak any. party the same thing with the DSA people. that are in Brooklyn when all that [ __ ]. they can't even afford hotel they could. have their parents paid it's the same. it's like listen I'm not telling you not. to help people but nuts this is not. helping none of this is helping showing.

up to the Gaylord hotel hilarious which. is such a trashy hotel my friend Michael. who spoke about him earlier was like if. you go to Dallas you gotta stay the. Gaylord hotel it's perfect it's big it's. ready it's great ask if you look at the. Gaylord hotel they're grotesque. I've been to it it's trash there's trash. they have a big ice sculpture thing you. can see on Chris yeah it's to have a. Riverwalk yeah. San Antonio has a Riverwalk everyone is. seeing Antonia is 450 pounds okay and. they and they scoot down the river and.

they just eat churros okay and they. don't share them with the birds the. birds are seeing Antonio are emaciated. they're about to die the birds on the. river about to die because no one throws. them in he bread there's not one card. that gets thrown to a bread at the San. Antonio Riverwalk. so the Gaylord hotel has a [ __ ]. Riverwalk like I'm gonna walk around the. Riverwalk so it's like and I listed some. of the kids who went to see Packer. friends at me on Instagram like one of. this one of these kids I forget his name.

he works for like Tucker Carlson's thing. and like when we made the one we made a. whole interview somebody reached out. from the Daily Caller they're like we'd. like to interview I'm like let's not. it's just not you know what I mean. somebody also sent in a request from. like love it or leave it that podcast oh. yeah they're like we want to interview. you I'm like let's not I interview. myself for several hours we're good. we're good that's okay. and then they were like.

could you should do a video for us I'm. like I'm just independent we just you. independent videos thank you I. appreciate it. they're not bad kids right they're not. they're stupid cuz they're young and. they don't realize that nothing they do. matters and you I get it. I got it I get wanting to be part of. thing it's the job and it's fun and it's. a convention and it's like I mean listen. we're when we do the convention a real. convention a sales convention in Arizona.

and a Marriott for young entrepreneurs. that want to get involved in a new. company called joules by podcaster Tim. Dylan I will show you what a real. convention is okay and it's not. listening to Dan Crenshaw I mean can you. stop war is good I mean what is the.

message over there at CPAC what is what. is the message let's just get the last. of earth's resources and have a fun time. doing it what's what's the thesis. statement of of that group at this point. Healthcare's great shut the [ __ ] up. everybody's fine if you have an issue. start a hedge fund. what's the thesis statement any more of. the group you know rupaul's coming to.

kidnap your kids Colin Kaepernick's. dishonouring our honorable police who. keep shooting black people in the face. everybody I know in high school that. grew up that used to bully [ __ ]. people is now a police officer everybody. I know in high school it used to she. used to spit in the face of [ __ ]. people now as a gun and I'm we're all. supposed to pretend that that's some.

type of a coincidence one guy with high. school is like a baseball guy a bunch of. a bunch of guys that went was gonna be. athletes and that didn't work out they. got injured now they're cops I'm sure. they're not angry. I'm sure they're not mad at all and. listen I'm just [ __ ] on the the. Conservatives because they had the. conference when the Liberals have their. conference I mean god only people like. that you know identifying themselves but. you know what is you Jen you could have.

we could have nine nametags will you. prefer gender how far away someone has. to stand when they talk to you in case. you have a breakdown the medications. you're on so that you could leave your. hotel room and function you know how. loud someone can be please don't clap. near me I mean we saw the TSA thing. where they were like that's coming and. I'll [ __ ] on that when it's here it's. just imagine I would like I would it. would end my friendship with someone if.

they're like I'm going to the police. I'm going to the political convention. wife yeah I want to go see kimberly. guilfoyle Newsome i want to hear her. take and they just get up there they're. like socialism what is what is. representative Marsha Blackburn from. Tennessee think wise I mean that's the. whole thing over there but there's.

probably some really really hot gay sex. happening at CPAC it's just what it is I. guarantee you those Grindr apps are. going crazy because a lot of these very. eloquent articulate young men are gay my. friends are all straight they're. [ __ ] my frança go get my friend and. go ask Michael what he thinks about the. global economy look we'd all the [ __ ]. and weed that's what straight men sound.

like for the most part not all of them. not all of them but young college dudes. that are getting [ __ ] do that reading. of unless there's total sociopath like. Bill Clinton and they want to just rape. is what I mean if you're sad if you're. that articulate and you get really. excited like you're on the Speech and.

Debate team and you get really excited. and you know a lot of those guys are. like some moral fiber of Americans being. threatened you're like okay you have. come coming out of your ears. the [ __ ] that is to college debate. about politics is like holla it's just. hilarious so like we have to notice that. in the same way that these emaciated. far-left weirdos who can't even come.

because they're on SSRIs and twenty. other medications they come dust and. they don't even have sex they just they. just hold somebody else and cry together. and rub their genitals together until. they get warm. it's just how about we tell everyone. under 25 to take a knee shut up. vote vote but go live a little you don't.

have to be at the Gaylord hotel. listening to people vote do whatever you. want you know but it's like enough with. the Greta's and the dish so I gotta get. lectured by 19 year old her to climb it. really she's know the [ __ ] you talking. about you're 19 you don't know anything. you don't know that Hillary and Bill you. don't know how they got that's where you. start to you start talking about the.

bushes and the Clintons you're kind of. in awe to a degree I'm like these little. piece of [ __ ] at CPAC you think that's. all it is you think that's all it is to. get on a [ __ ] stage and say they're. lotar Luther good know you got a guilty. pow. you gotta kill people are you willing to. kill people you fraud you gotta you. gotta have private islands with. blackmail operations set up you got to. overthrow Dickie you're gonna overthrow. [ __ ] democratically elected.

governments and install dictatorships. and you got. all while you're dancing on Ellen you. don't know what it's like you don't know. what the sacrifice is really like you. [ __ ] [ __ ] you're getting up at CPAC. don't sue them bear couplers are good. you don't [ __ ] know what you have to. do it's like these young comics we're. like I had a good set why aren't I say. miss because you don't know what God you. have to do. Billy Eilish is killing people out there. slitting throats.

she's a Mossad agent that's what. frustrates me people [ __ ] on Hillary. you don't know what that [ __ ] did. kimberly guilfoyle news to me with you. at you're a cheap [ __ ] Hillary's a real. bad mm bad [ __ ] she's a real murderer. so I'm just saying these kids don't know. what it is these millennial snowflake. cuts whining about their student loans.

don't understand the work it takes to. run this country the dungeons the blood. the narco-trafficking it's not just. going and having a fun little debate at. CPAC and after you do all of that and. after your murder and you kill and your. maim and you torture after you do all of. that. you're still thrown in the street after.

you do a Comedy Central special and a. Netflix special and a pilot and you have. another show being produced by a. producer whose name I don't want to. mention because I don't know if it work. with me again probably not but whatever. the point is you're still thrown in the. street Hillary or Tim and what do you. have to do you have to start a podcast. so welcome miss Clinton welcome welcome. welcome this is where we're all at [ __ ]. I know what it is they say you're gonna.

get a certain amount of ads every show. and you're not gonna [ __ ] get them. cuz they're lying but you do a good job. on the ads you have you read that blue. to ad you read that ad [ __ ] you get. them to buy the ridge while it's Hillary. because we're all. in the same bag bowler [ __ ] now that's. what it is you were high on a horse. jet-setting arranging executions you're.

doing it all you were doing the most and. now you hear what the rest of us with. the Legion of skanks with my favorite. murder with come town with myself you're. here with all of us. you're just you're three years away from. doing skank fest and you don't even know.

it. and those people open their arms to you. that's your new fanbase Hillary done. with the global finance and the shadowy. intelligence intrigue goodbye. international power brokers hello. manscaped but that's what it is. welcome to the show Hillary I for one.

welcome you I think you've got a lot to. say I think it could be very interesting. don't get a co-host do it on your own. get good learn how to broadcast learn. how to be personal build an empire like. we're all trying to do by podcasting. because that's the only economy left do. you understand welcome mrs. Clinton I'm.

honored to have you as a colleague and. good luck.