#187 - Waffle Sundaes and Puppet Shows | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim. Dillon show live from. Los Angeles, California, and. undisclosed location. Anyway, everybody happy? Did you watch the. Academy Awards? Wasn't that fun? See. Joaquin Phoenix go up there and talk. about milk. Man, Hollywood's dead, huh? It's just a carcass of an industry. It. truly is. Nobody cares. Everybody,

Pacino, De Niro, these people don't die. They just keep going. I don't know how. They get the best medical care. They're. legends. They're literally legends now. Like you see them, you're like, is that. them? They're literally chupacabra-like. when you see them on the red carpet. And then you have Joaquin Phoenix up. there. talking about the abuse of animals. How. many states do they want Trump to win? 40? 45?

What would make them happy? Brad Pitt's up there doing impeachment. jokes. They gave more time than they gave Adam. Schiff. I forget which guy he mentioned, but he's up there doing you know, impeachment. He's like, no one paid. attention to to the impeachment process, by the way. It came on the heels of the. other fake thing you did about Russia. that didn't make any [ __ ] sense that. you were unable to prove. You had Robert. Mueller and everybody's going to prove. everything. We're going to prove that. you know, Putin and Trump were in.

committee and you were able to prove. zero, nothing, nada, nilch. It was an. embarrassment. Instead of talking about. health care and jobs, you're writing a. spy novel that nobody wants to read. Okay? You have Chelsea Handler and Kathy. Griffin out there talking about. espionage. as if they have a [ __ ] clue as to. anything that goes on. Chelsea Handler's. now an expert in espionage. She's spent. a decade talking about her snatch. And now she's talking about. you know, counterintelligence.

I mean guys, shut up. Enough. I'm. starting to think they are Republicans. I'm starting to think all these. Hollywood [ __ ] are Republicans. They're. like, [ __ ] it. We're making a lot of. money. These [ __ ] accounts look fat. And we do not want anybody else in. there. I'm starting to believe that. I'm. starting to believe it's a COINTELPRO. operation where they just tell people. they go, hey Joaquin Phoenix, why don't. you get out there and talk about milk? It's almost like it was a sketch that. was written out by like billionaire.

corporate donors that are like, you know. what will really get everybody? You just. get out there and no, don't talk about. immigration. That you could pull some. heartstrings there. People might agree. with you. Talk about. animals. Talk about factory farming. When half the country's on heroin and. there's a. opioid epidemic and people are working. three jobs to drag themselves out of. bankruptcy because they got sick and. can't afford the bills. Ignore all of. that because that could that could get.

people on our side on your side. And just talk about the abuse that cows. suffer. I mean, what level of privilege do you have to. be in society. to think that the biggest problem is. [ __ ] milk? I mean, how lost do you have to be as a. human being to think that the real issue. here? I'm not saying animals are always. treated nicely. I'm saying this. We eat. animals. That's how most people survive.

They eat animals. They've been doing it. forever, okay? Now, some people don't. eat animals. They eat vegetables. Good. for them. Some people abstain from. animal products. But can we all stop. with this insane crusade. to end the consumption of meat and dairy. as if it's the biggest problem in the. country? This is a carcass of an empire. This is a scam that stopped being viable. 50 years ago, this country, by the way.

I mean, I look at these elections as. like that there's somehow people that. are still in the Enron office building. arguing about what the lunch counter, you know, what the deli is going to. serve. We're done, folks. And we're talking about milk. This psychopath. And these people, they. look weirder and weirder, the celebrity. Like they look odd. When you see them on. the red carpet, they look, you know, sorcereron. They have a look to them. where they they look less and less like. people. Timothy Chalamet does not look.

like a person. He looks like a feather. He floats around. He's this weirdly, you. know, genderless, you know, attractive, but weirdly youthful. Like a guy who's. kind of cast in amber that he's never. really going to age. And you know, all. of these celebrities are starting to. take on this look which is strange to. people. People don't quite understand. it. The outfits are odd. The way of.

speaking is odd. The the patterns of. speech are odd. They're just not on. planet Earth anymore. They come They It. looks like spaceships are landing and. they come in from their other planets to. discuss things that we should be doing. It really is strange. People don't know what to make of this. People in middle America don't. understand. People in in on the coasts. don't understand this stuff anymore. It's creepy to them. There's a level of. And I remember growing up watching the.

Academy Awards, watching the Emmys, people being into it, people kind of. caring, people. thinking that there were stakes and that. these things mattered. And then. something happened where it just became. like odd. These celebrities are much. odder. And Andrew Schulz made this point. that if you don't have social media now. and if you're not accessible in any real. way and you just live in some castle, you just live in some big house and. everything you say is is handed to you.

from a publicist or a lawyer, you seem. odd now. Like a lot of these people are. they're no longer relatable in any way. to us. They're not because most people. have adapted and they're like, I have. these tools to communicate directly with. fans. And then you have this really. elite sanctum of Hollywood, this really. elite group of people. They don't speak ever unless they're at. a red carpet or they're you know, it's a. very staged production where they go on.

Jimmy Fallon or they go on Seth Meyers. and they sit in the chair and they have. 5 minutes of banter and it's like, well, hey, you were in Italy recently. And. there's nothing real about it. You know, what? You were in Italy. You know, I was. in Italy when you were in Italy. You. love when they do that. When somebody. will be like, remember remember when we. were both in Italy? It's it's so insane. that this even still goes on. And the. lead-in to these shows is like, you. know, a mass shooting or.

you know, a senator who's been found to. be taking a bribe or some scientist at. Harvard who got caught sneaking. biological samples to the Wuhan province. of China which no one really talks. about. And then then we we go to Jimmy. Fallon and Seth Meyers who want to talk. to somebody about the time they were. both in Italy. It's crazy. You got to look at some old late night. shows where guys like James Baldwin, the. famous black intellectual would go out. and talk about real [ __ ] They would. talk about real stuff. But these late.

night shows, their their viewers are are. falling. They're decreasing steadily and. they're terrified of upsetting anybody. They're terrified of losing a fat. housewife from Galveston, Texas who. thinks it's fun that Jimmy Fallon plays. with Muppets every night and that he. sings with the band and he does dances. and he brings out the kid from Stranger. Things and they play hopscotch or. whatever the [ __ ] they do. I mean, it's. Imagine watching this and having a real. job. Imagine having a real job where.

like you're working in a factory and a. guy next to you is like, I just got. diagnosed with cancer. I don't know what. to do. And you go home and you put on. Jimmy Fallon and he's playing a game. with Zac Efron. Or he's going to the Olive Garden with. Post Malone. Like it's the So that's where these. celebrities that's the only time that. they ever communicate with people is on. these like late night shows which are. like a dystopian nightmare reality.

in which insanely wealthy people sit. there and have meaningless conver like. meaningless conversations beyond the. pen. Now, if I'm asked to do panel and I. have to say this, I do have to I have to. be clear about this. If I'm asked to do. panel on one of these shows, I will. I. don't think I think I'm I'm beyond where. I should be doing stand-up in a 5-minute. set. So so my stand-up doesn't really. work. in 5-minute little bits. It And I don't. I can't do it if I can't say what I want. to say. And I you know, years ago we.

submitted to do stand-up on these late. night shows and they go, it's too ranty. and it's too dark. And I was like, you're right. You're right. And I'm good. with that. Like I I love my friends that. do it. I love what Norman does it. I. love what Sam Morril does it. I love. when I watch people do it. I don't need. to do it. I'm not bitter and angry. Everything's fine. Um, but if they want. to talk to me on panel, um, I will do. that. Now, here's what will also happen. That episode won't air. That's also going to happen because I am. it's not going to air because I will ask.

them what they're doing. Like I will. look at one of them as I'm sitting here. and go, let me ask you a question. What. are you doing? Like what in God's name. are you doing? I'm. I mean, I know this pays well, but I. will just keep bringing up real [ __ ] and. there will be censored because you got. to realize the people that go to these. shows. Like the people that attend. Imagine going to New York City, the. greatest city in the world, in my. opinion. Um and and and I'm right. But imagine I.

mean London's a goth nightmare, the food. sucks. Shut up. Shanghai, that'll have its time. It's. coming, don't worry about it. You'll. have the next century. Let me have the. past one. Thank you. Imagine going to. New York City with a group of your. friends, group of your friends, the. great restaurants, the great public. spaces, all the things you can do, the. museums, and having one of them go, "I'd. really like to watch a taping of the. Tonight Show tonight." Imagine being on. a trip with someone that said that, and.

just the the it would be like the the. just feeling in the pit of your stomach. of a doctor saying positive to you. That's what it would feel like to me of. a doctor telling you that you you had. AIDS, you know? Not even AIDS, something. even worse than that. Like, just you. have 6 months to live, we're sorry, inoperable. The word taping of the. Tonight Show to me is synonymous with. the word inoperable. Would like be. hearing inoperable. Cuz I mean, can you. imagine hearing that from somebody like,

"I want to go to a taping of the Tonight. Show tonight." WHY? WHY would you ever want to go see a. thing that you can see. on TV? And you could watch it on TV and. shouldn't, but what in God's name You. don't know who the guests are. They're. all like, "Who knows who it's going to. be? It's going to be exciting. We're. going to see Jimmy's going to come out. Maybe he'll have a field piece where he. goes to the Olive Garden with Post. Malone or Cardi B, and they can sit in.

the Olive Garden where people have. worked 16 hours to make a living, and. and they soak their feet every night. because they swell because they're on. them all day, and they're taking. amphetamines to just to just keep doing. it and keep [ __ ] answering the. questions that fat tourists from Ohio. have about penne alla vodka. They they. have to do that, and they're all drugged. up, and they can barely have a cigarette. break, and when they do, they go. outside, and it's just a cacophony of. New York City, blaring horns and. ambulances, and they go back into the. Olive Garden, and then they have to hear. from their manager that, "Well, you got. to look good today because Jimmy's.

coming IN WITH POST MALONE.". NOW, I'M SURE THAT THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE. that enjoy this that work at the Olive. Garden because they're so broken. They've been so destroyed in every. possible way that some of them might get. excited. Maybe they're young kids. But. there's got to be a guy that considers. having a Travis Bickle moment. There's. got to be There's got to be a guy that. thinks of throwing a tour of Italy on. the table and then lunging at Fallon. There's got to be one of those chefs in. the back THAT'S HAD QUITE ENOUGH of this. [ __ ]. What is the bit that the Olive Garden's.

good? It ain't. That's the bit the rich. people do. Let's go eat this uh. uh [ __ ] that regular people eat and. pretend it's good. It's kind of good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's not. It's not good. It's. disgusting. And everybody who eats there. hates everything you believe in or say. you believe in, Jimmy Fallon, you know? It's a repulsive restaurant. It is. repulsive. The Olive Garden is there's. no quality about it in New York City.

You could get anything they serve there. better in a pizzeria. And they go to the. Olive Garden, and I guess the joke is. like, "We're taking Cardi B to Red. Lobster. We're going to teach her how to. use silverware." I don't know what the. joke is that she's like, "What's shrimp. cocktail?" And you have to explain it. What is the bit? I've I'm lost on the. bit. I'm really truly lost on the bit, but. imagine someone suggesting. So, this is. why these celebrities and the people. that that rise to that level are so.

insanely disconnected because they're. only showcased to us on that show or on. a show like The View, where they go out, and it's just five women screaming about. politics, and then a celebrity comes on. to promote some movie of the week that. they're doing, you know? I mean, it's. it's it's it's truly crazy. I want to hear a podcast from these. people. Where's Margot Robbie's podcast? I want to hear Emma Stone's podcast, you know?

Emma's having panic attacks. She's it's. debilitating panic attacks that she's. suffering. I feel bad for her. I don't. like anxiety, but maybe you're too rich. and you're too white and you're too. pretty, and you're too successful. But. it doesn't fill the hole. TIM, IT. DOESN'T fill the hole. When you get all. that money and success, it doesn't fill. the hole. You're actually more upset. Good. Suffer in silence. Shut up about. it. Shut up, then. I understand that. I understand that it. doesn't fill the hole. I do things all.

the time to fill the hole, and they. don't. I get it. But just enough already. We don't need a. whole story about this. You have Joaquin Phoenix talking about. animals. Yeah, we should Can you get his speech. up? This is the craziest thing. It makes. you want to like just be vapid wealthy. people. That's what we want. We want to. worship you. We want you to be pretty. We want you to be uh you know, lucky. We.

want to believe those things can happen. to us. We don't want to We don't want to. be moralized. You don't need to come in. here and tell us everything that we're. doing wrong. But it's part of the. problem Part of the real issue with I. think a lot of these celebrities is they. just don't There's no place for them to. be human beings. because all of their their their their. people are terrified they might say. something that'll lose them a deal. They can't be the spokesman for that. face cream if they say something. untoward. Now, if I was working on the. red carpet, I would turn around to.

Saoirse Ronan, and I would go, "Saoirse, a lot of people don't know this, but. you're a huge fan of Donald Trump.". You're you're a massive fan of Donald. Trump, and you actually campaigned. behind the scenes for Brexit. Is that not true, Saoirse? You. Saoirse, you're from Ireland, a country. where people [ __ ] in the street. Don't you think. Don't you think even if we're just if to. protect immigrants, you shouldn't let. them in there, okay? Country where people have a 70 IQ,

Ireland, where my family comes from. The goddamn Irish, the damned. With Do you have his speech? Yeah, you. want the transcript, or you want the. audio? Read some of the transcript for. us. I'll start at the beginning. God, I'm. full of so much gratitude right now, and. I do not feel elevated above any of my. fellow nominees or anyone in this room. because we share the same love, the love. of film. Lie. I mean, it's a lie. I just want to thing. I don't feel. elevated. How not? You won.

This is This is the problem. People can. tell these people are full of [ __ ]. immediately. "I don't feel elevated.". No, the people that aren't elevated are. in their seats. You've been elevated. You don't It. doesn't matter how you feel. It's again the feeling stuff. And this form of expression has given me. the most extraordinary life. I don't. know what I'd be without it. But I. I know. I've got a pretty good idea of. what you'd be. You'd be in a bar, you know, somewhere getting hammered.

Yeah. I have a good idea, Joaquin, of. where you'd be. Not good. But I think the greatest gift that it's. given me Oh, I think the greatest gift. that it's given me and many of us in. this room is the opportunity to use our. voice for the voiceless. Right. Yeah, and and we say who they are. And we. choose who are the voiceless. How great is that? How great is calling large swaths of the. American public voiceless? They have voices. They're using them all.

the time on things you then you shut. them down on social media. They use. their voice, and you go, "You're a. Nazi," and you take their account away. half the time. A voice for the voiceless. Who are these. voiceless people? All I'm inundated with. all day is people's voices. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, every. Nobody shuts THE [ __ ] UP. THERE'S NOBODY. in this country without a voice unless. they literally don't have a voice. Unless they literally had their throat. removed with cancer, there's nobody that. doesn't have a voice. In fact, I think. people's voices are a little too loud.

The voiceless. That [ __ ] might have. worked 10 years ago. There's no one. who's voiceless anymore. Bill Cosby's TWEETING FROM A PRISON CELL. AT SNOOP DOGG. WHO IS VOI- AND I MEAN LIT- AND I KNOW. that he's using it as like, you know, an. expression to mean people that don't. have the political power and economic. power that he does. But words mean. things, and when you start saying that. people are voiceless, and then you need. to speak for these voiceless people. Again, you've set up this entire thing.

that's wrong. It's completely wrong. You. go, "I I I am here to we speak for the. voice- Who appointed you to speak for. the voiceless? Cuz you won a trophy? Because you pretended to be the Joker?". Why in God Why isn't it a scientist who. speaks for the voiceless? Or a doctor? Or a philosopher? Why in God's name is. it you? Who Who made you. the the [ __ ] standard bearer? Keep going. I've been thinking a lot about some of.

the distressing issues that we are. facing collectively. Oh, good. That's. when you're watching, and you're like, "Oh, good.". I think at times we feel or we're made. to feel. Here's how much Here's how good he was. at Joker. This is how good of an actor. he is. I know that's not true. I know. that you're not spending a ton of time. thinking about these issues because you. did a phenomenal job in that [ __ ]. movie. And you can You know, Serena. Williams and Venus you just can't spend. like Serena Williams is not sitting. around thinking about trade. It's not. happening.

I'm telling you right now. Venus Williams, whichever one's still. relevant, [ __ ] off. I don't care. IT NO, IT'S THE OTHER ONE. SHUT UP. THEY'RE BOTH FINE. The point is this, I'll beat both of them. I was at My. grandfather used to I used to play. tennis. in Muttontown, Long Island, perhaps. you've heard of it. He had a tennis. court on his property, okay? And I would. play tennis, too, okay? In a In a classy. way. I think at times we feel or we're made. to feel that we champion different. causes. But for me, I see commonality. I.

think whether we're talking about gender. inequality or racism or queer rights or. indigenous rights or animal rights, we're talking about the fight against. injustice. We're talking about the fight. against the belief that one nation, one. people, one race, one gender, or one. species has the right to dominate, control, and use and exploit another. with impunity. I think we've become very disconnected. from the natural world and many of us, what we're guilty of. Guess who's Guess who's suspect number.

one who's been a little disconnected. from the natural world. Now he's going. to talk By the way, this flows in. This. is what I love. The disconnected from. the natural world will now flow into how. no one's supposed to eat animals. What Have you ever seen Have you watched. any nature. documentary ever? Any show ever on. nature? Nobody in the natural world is handing. each other trophies. There's no bear. getting up at a podium and going, "I am. a voice for the voiceless.". "I am here to give a voice for the Like.

what are you even saying? The The beginning of that is all like, you know, Bard College," which is the. Columbia School for Women. And I'm not. saying that it's cuz they're women, but. Bard College freshman year paper. that was handed to him before he got on. stage. Continue. We go. great women that are very smart in this. country, by the way. I'm going to name. five. Barbara Bush. because she knew her husband was.

involved in the JFK assassination. She. helped cover it up. I will tell you why. That's great. It's It's great thing. She's a very smart woman. Uh. Tana [ __ ] Mogo She's an Instagram. influencer from Las Vegas who married. Jake Paul in a fake wedding. And I'm a fan of her. I don't know why, but I stan her. I don't know why. I like. her. She got the big tits, the fake. face, the fake lips, but there's. something about her I like. There's. something I I like people that come out. of Vegas. It just seems like everyone. born in Vegas should die. So when.

someone makes it out of Vegas, I like. it. And I like that she's selling a slip. gloss and big tits. That's what we get. So I like her. So Barbara Bush, Tana. um. I don't know anyone else now and I can't. I can't do the whole episode. I can't I. can't It's going to take me 40 minutes. to think of another person. Michelle Carter. at some point. NO, BECAUSE MICHELLE CARTER JUST GOT. LUCKY. YEAH. She just got lucky. She was. a devious [ __ ] who told her boyfriend. to get back into that car. And after. that documentary, I was over him, but I.

was I was over her, but I was over him. I'm over him. It's another good-looking. guy who's like, "I don't want to die.". And then she's like, "Die. Die." I'm. over him. I'm over his family. I'm over. HBO giving documentaries to this horse. [ __ ] when what some white kid gets. killed. Shut the [ __ ] up. I I mean, enough already. There's black. people getting shot in a CVS. Give them. a documentary. Who cares? I'm sick of. this [ __ ] It's a small town. It's a. small Everything on Netflix and HBO is. about a small town that's being eaten.

alive by something. And well, let it get. eaten then. Enough. Sick of this [ __ ] Michelle Carter, where's my [ __ ] special? YOU GOT SPECIALS ON HBO where the. trailer's like, "I don't do stand-up. I. just like driving around in a car. Yeah." Uh. Go on. What we're guilty of is an egocentric. worldview, the belief that we're the. center of the universe. We go into the. natural world and we plunder it for its. resources. We feel entitled to. artificially inseminate a cow.

and when she gives birth, we steal her. baby. How are the people How are the people in. the developing world going to eat, Joaquin, without some fusion of science and. agriculture? How are people in the third world going. to eat, dummy? They can Postmates vegan avocado toast. to their house. like you probably do? At some terrified open mic comedian has. to go past your gate and and and hand.

you something? Okay. Bernie Sanders should execute all. of these people and I will support him. Everyone knows that I'm a Tom Steyer. guy. I stan Steyer. Steyer is uh. Steyer is is the candidate to win and I. only say that because I don't know who. he is. And I won't know. I won't know who. Steyer is until I write his name in on. the ballot. in 2020. But if Bernie said, "Here's what we're. going to do. We're going to rein in Wall.

Street. We're going to take all the CEOs. out and shoot them in the face. And then. we're going to go to Hollywood and we're. going to shoot them in the face. And and then we're going to give Tim. Dillon a show on HBO and not some cont. convince her boyfriend to kill himself. cuz Tim Dillon's actually talented. Stop. giving murderers all the airtime. Can we. stop giving murderers all the airtime in. this country now? You got to murder someone in a small. town to get a show. Now, I'm sorry I. didn't kill someone in a small American. town. You know what I mean? Steven Avery's had.

nine seasons of a show because he's he. raped and murdered people in a town, you. know, in a salvage yard. So he gets a show, but I can't get a. show because I haven't done that. I. haven't slit someone's throat with a. carburetor. in Wisconsin. I apologize because. everyone wants to sit around and watch. murder all day in a small town WHERE. PEOPLE GO, "OH, you know, I'm so down and earthy and oh, it's just. shook up the whole town.".

Continue. I apologize. And when she gives birth, we steal her. baby even though her cries of anguish. are unmistakable. Then we take her milk. These people are all for late-term. abortion. They're all for late-term. abortion. They're like, "We stole the. cow's baby.". You You don't mind if women take their. baby and throw it out of the window at. Cedars-Sinai. because it gets in the way of a book. that they're writing. Again, no consistency here. I would love. I would love if he got up on stage, grabbed the trophy, went, "I love death.

Thank you." and just walked off stage. I. would clap and I'd go, "Fuck yeah. [ __ ] yeah. Consistency. I stan Steyer. Steyer stan. Then we take her milk that's intended. for her calf. That's Tom Steyer's logo. Are you in? It's like a bunch of seventh graders. about to vandalize their gym having a. powwow. Are you in? It's literally the. stupidest logo I've ever had, but he's. for structural reform, which isn't real. and doesn't It's just a coupling of. words I've always found hilarious. Structural reform. Oh, so we're going to.

We're also reform the structure of it. Good. Keep going. I apologize. Then we take her milk that's intended. for her calf and we put it in our coffee. and our cereal. And I think we fear the. idea of personal change because we think. that we have to sacrifice something, to. give something up. But human beings that. are best are so inventive and creative. and ingenious. And I think that when we. use love and compassion as our guiding. principles, we can create, develop, and. implement systems of change that are. beneficial to all sentient beings and.

the environment. Now, I have been I have been a scoundrel. in my life. I've been selfish. I've been. cruel at times, hard to work with, and. I'm grateful that so many. Now that's all over that I'm a. millionaire. My selfish ways are done. now that I have all the money in the. world. Now that I've done amassing money. with the selfishness, I've decided to be. a great person. Chelsea Handler buys a. house in Bel Air calling uh that that. that tiny Mexican guy on her show a. nugget for 5 years and then decides.

that, you know, she's Malcolm X when she. has a house in Bel Air. It's nobody on the journey decides. Nobody has these revelations when. they're broke, by the way. Isn't that. interesting? Nobody has any of these. revelations until they have a lot of. money. Yeah, there's something about. sitting in a pool every day and watching. Netflix documentaries about murder that. makes you feel pretty damn. These people go, "I'm pretty lucky. I. don't live in Ferguson, Missouri. I'm. pretty lucky." And then they they start. telling everybody what to do. Then they.

start criticizing like. you know, "Oh, you know, we steal the. baby from the cow. We steal her baby.". It's It's the most insane. We don't want to give up milk in our. cereal. I've been a scoundrel. I'm grateful that so many of you in this. room have given me a second chance. And. I think that's when we're at our best, when we support each other. And give me. a That's when we're at our best. We. support me. We give me another chance.

cuz I've been horrible and abusive to. people on sets and I'm a dick, but I. also am a genius. He's an amazing actor. So when I treat people like [ __ ] because. I'm talented, what Fine, there's some. trade-off there. Uh. I You know, I'm very happy. We're at our. best when we forget about the scoundrel. that I've been. for my entire life and career. We're at our best. That's when we're all at our best. When we support each other, not when we.

cancel each other out for past mistakes, but when we help each other to grow. Right. That You know what that means? Hey, don't dig too deep on old Joaquin. Don't dig too deep on Joaquin. I'm I'm. saying no more milk. I'm I'm on the thing. I'm I've been. handed bullet points by a freshman at. Columbia University to read here at the. Oscars. Don't go looking back for the. many moments where I was a scoundrel. Let's No None of the canceling. Let's. start the process of giving me more work. and money because that's when we're at.

our best. But when we help each other to grow, when we educate each other, when we. guide each other toward redemption, that. is the best of humanity. When he was 17, my brother wrote this. lyric. He said, "Run to the rescue with. love and peace will follow." Man, did. the wrong brother bite it? Did the wrong brother check out, huh? I'd love to have River back. He'd probably be saying the same [ __ ]. but I don't know, at least more. poetically.

I'm sorry. I mean, just enough already with these. people. It's really it's it's it's it's. incredulous. Like, you watch it and it's. it's not even funny anymore. because they're so disconnected. Like, there was a period of time when it was. funny. when like Sean Penn would bring up like. a Native American to accept the award. from and they would start yelling about. something. It was kind of funny because. you're like, "Yeah, these people were. [ __ ] all right." I mean, I don't know. what's going to happen now. But, this is at least something. Now, these people are just you know, so.

he ended it with his brother's lyric. How sweet. How sweet. We got to. we got to. wrap and then we'll be back. All right, everybody. We are back now. We had to interrupt the show. I had to. do three. stand-up comedy spots, two at the improv. and one at the comedy store and then we. had to go to Mel's Drive-In and get two. wellness shots and a. uh. waffle sundae. I had a little bit of my cayenne pepper.

and ginger wellness shot. It was not. good. So, I opted to not be well. Ben took his down. He likes spice. Texas boy. I don't know what the [ __ ] that was, but. it was not for me, that wellness shot. I was very angry earlier about the. Oscars and I I I'm right about. everything I'm saying, but you know, we. we're calmer now. We've all had our. food. Everybody is. we understand that, you know, people. deal with all kinds of things.

Um. there are people that are not trusting. the process with. my new business venture, which kind of. is upsetting me. Um many people know that I'm a comedian. That's we've kind of established that. already, but what people don't know is. that's not my real my real passion. My. real passion has always been jewelry. And. I've seen the look on someone's face. when you give them something that is. special and unique. And to me what that. is is a perfectly set stone.

Perfectly set stone. Could be topaz. Could be one of the other ones. And jewelry has been my passion. Now, a. lot of people are like they're not the. the we have a mail-order jewelry. business called Jewels by Podcaster Tim. Dillon. A lot of people have given us a lot of. money and are now getting angry at us. because the jewels haven't showed up at. their home for them to sell. Now, this is the type of amateur. [ __ ] that I expect from some of. these people. This is amateur hour.

Okay? Number one, you you don't need the. physical jewels to sell. You can get out there and you're selling. a lifestyle. You're selling an idea. You're selling an identity. So, you're going to get the jewels. They're coming. But, I I fear for many. of you because the complaints are are so. unnecessary and I just feel like a lot. of you aren't taking it seriously. You. have one job when you sell Jewels by. Podcaster Tim Dillon. To you have to.

convince people that they are not happy. because they don't have the right. jewelry. And you also have to convince them that. they need to sell jewelry. for me. and you. and this whole com- I'm trying to start. a company here. And a lot of people don't take me. seriously. I'm trying to start a goddamn. company and operation. I just feel like a lot of you are. ungrateful. because many of you have no idea.

how to be an entrepreneur and I am a. businessman. That's what I've been since. I'm a little baby boy. I've been a business boy. forever in my whole life. All of my existence has been business. Crunching numbers, chopping the onions, making it work, fitting a square peg. into a round whatever. The point is, I. don't need your [ __ ] ungrateful. mouth. Oh, the kid isn't here. The jewel kit's. not here.

Improvise, you stupid [ __ ]. Figure it out. It's going to get there. It's on its [ __ ] way. You're going to get it. Also, we're we're we're coming up with a sales. strategy because I I realize that many. of you need much more help than I had. anticipated, which is okay. I want to. give you that help. But, many of you are not sales people. You're not closers. I can hear it in. your voices. I can hear it in your emails that are. very that are rage-filled. When you send.

me an email and you're like, "I spent. all this money. I didn't I haven't been. given any guidance or any help. I don't. even have the jewels. Where are the. jewels? I'm telling everyone I'm selling. jewelry for you and I can't even do it.". You know, all I hear is failure. And I don't know, is that who you are? Is that who you want to be? That's not who I want to be. That's not. what I am. So, we're we're doing a seminar. in. in an Arizona.

Hilton or Marriott. We're going to see. And it's going to be 3 days. It's going. to be a 3-day intensive sales training. seminar. We're going to train you on the. product. You got to get trained on the. product. Then you got to get trained on the. strategy. And then once you have the product and. the strategy, you you're good to [ __ ] go. Okay? Product plus strategy, sales strategy. Okay? Now, I'm going to show you. This is an example. And again, you're. not going to be at the level I'm at for.

a very long time, maybe never. But, if. you listen to me, I've invited Ben to lunch. Ben is. someone I have not seen in a very long. time. I've invited him to lunch by. messaging him on Facebook. We do a lot. of our ads on Facebook. Stay away from. Twitter. Stay away. from. Instagram. Stay away from, God forbid, TikTok. Stay on Facebook. What I like. about Facebook is that Zuckerberg, they're not cre- they're not trying to. verify. everything on there. They're just.

letting it fly, which I think's very. important for a small business that. you're starting. So, I message Ben and I want to get. lunch with him. Now, I don't bring up. Jewels by Podcaster Tim Dillon in the. message. I just reconnect with him. authentically. And he agrees to have lunch with me. at the local diner. Now, we've done some of our bullshitting. and now it's the time when I'm going to. pounce. The word is pounce like a puma would,

like a big cat. Have you ever seen a big. cat. [ __ ] something up with his paw? That's. what we're doing, but we're helping. people. Do you understand that? I'm helping him, but because he is so lost, I need to to. paw him like a large cat would. to help him. Now, so this is the time when I'm going. to do it. Huh, this lunch has been very good. I've. enjoyed it. It was great. Yeah, it's. very. So good. It's very good. I enjoyed I I like rye.

bread. Me, too. It's it's wonderful. So nice to see you. I haven't seen you. since high school. How's things? It's pretty good, you know. I things. could be better, though. Not going to. lie. Well, let me tell you a story. Do you want to hear a story? You have. time for a story? I I'd love to hear. one. I have nothing to do. When I was a. young child, I became obsessed with jewelry.

I would steal it. I would wear it. And I would sell it. And even though looking back on that. now, that seems immoral, what it did was give me a real. understanding of the market. The market for jewels. I have an opportunity. for you. I have a company right now that I. haven't told anybody about because I'm. still trying to decide who's worthy. about knowing about it. It's called Jewels by Podcaster Tim.

Dillon. Now, I see your face and you're. surprised and you're shocked and I think. maybe feel a little lucky. Do you feel Are you feeling feel a. little lucky? You're not wrong to be. lucky. What I want you to do. is I want you to go into your community. I want you to go to your family, your friends, people who trust you, people who you've built rapport with. over your entire life and sell them. jewelry.

that I have provided for you to sell. them. I get my jewelry from the best jeweler. I won't tell you where, Okay. but if. you've seen the movie Uncut Gems, Yeah. him. There's nothing like the look on. someone's face when you when you marry. them to a perfectly set stone. Mhm. Many people aren't happy in their life. They're fat and they're on heroin. And the reason that this is the case.

is because God is dead. and the country is [ __ ] now. Even though it's kind of good, it's. still [ __ ]. But, one thing that always glitters. brightly. is a jewel. And everybody wants it. That's why do you do you remember. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs? Yeah. What were the dwarfs doing? They were mining for little jewels.

That is the oldest story in America. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Really? Yes. So, in the beginning, there were jewels. There will always be jewels. And when you. you have to make people understand. how lucky they are. to be in the unique position of being. sold jewelry. over the phone. or in person. at their house. Because you say.

you could take a trip, Mrs. Miller. When. I go into a sale, I go. Hello, Mrs. Miller. You could go anywhere and buy jewelry. But you're not buying it from a trusted. name, and you're not buying it from from. somebody that has a passion. So, what. are you really doing? You're being. stupid. And if you're stupid, you're going to. fail. But I don't fail, I win. Because I'm not stupid, I'm smart. My jewels are bright. They shine.

Remember. the rap song, shine like the diamond? Shine bright like a diamond. Shine bright like a diamond. That's not. the way it goes, but I like the way I'm. doing it a little better. Shine bright like a diamond. The best thing about these jewels is I'm. not only selling them to you, I'm. selling them to you so that you can sell. them to other people. Mhm. So, you're. trying to help me. I want to help you. I want to help you. create a revenue stream. I don't want.

you to have to get up and work a 9-to-5. job like some dumb pig. I want you to be able to create your own. business and your own opportunities. I. want you to have multiple revenue. streams. I want you to have a sales. strategy that works for you. I want you. to put your tentacles into the community. and and choke people. very softly. so that they understand that Jules by. podcaster Tim Dillon is the [ __ ]. thing that is going to be the thing.

that's going to happen. Another thing I want to touch on is uh. that Aaron Hernandez doc was so stupid. And people in this country are so. incredibly stupid that when everyone was. like, "It's mind-blowing. You have to. watch it. It's so mind-blowing.". The people in the documentary are so. dumb. Aaron Hernandez, of course, is the. the guy is a closeted gay guy who kills. the guy, whatever. Yeah, you know how it. is. And everybody was like in the.

documentary, they're like, "How could he. do it? How could he's he killed someone. and then he goes and plays football?". It's like he Hey, idiot. Athletes kill. people. We know this. None of it's. fascinating. We know this. They kill. people. They beat people. They beat THEIR WIVES. "I CAN'T BELIEVE HE SAID it all in front. of them. I can't believe he did this.". Yeah, rich people kill people all the. time. How is this shocking? When you hear that that's mind-blowing. and then you watch the documentary, you.

realize how [ __ ] we are as a country. We don't learn any lessons here. We're. like goldfish in this country. We have. no memory. We cannot retain any piece of. information. We start at zero every [ __ ] day here. "I can't believe" You watch that. documentary, all these people are like, "It doesn't make any sense. He's. successful and rich, and he just killed. somebody. How does it happen? And then. he goes and plays football like it. didn't happen?" Yeah.

Yeah, that's what people do. I don't understand what's shocking about. it. It's just so sad. What What election? I mean, there's 20,000 arenas, 20,000. seat arenas being filled up so people. can watch puppet shows. What election, folks, is going to help. here? I mean, I'm trying to I mean, I don't. understand. There's 20,000 people that file in an.

arena to see two puppets. argue with each other. I'm not throwing you know, whatever. You. can fill in who the comic is. They're. They're making a lot of money, a lot. more than me. But when you see 20,000. people laughing hysterically at a. puppet, what what do you think it's going to. look like here? What country do you think we're living. in? Are you aware of where we are and who's. in the little houses and in the cars?

I mean, they want to look at puppets. They want to listen to puppets. argue with each other. Puppet shows are what I liked when I was. three. When I was three years old, I thought. puppet shows were fun. Cuz there was a little thing at my. school, it was a puppet theater, and the. little puppet came up out of the little. theater and they had a fun show. I got.

over that by 3 and 1/2. I was done with it. I said, "I don't. like puppet shows anymore because I. bought puppets." Your parents would get. you puppets. This is what happens. This. is the natural reaction if you're not if. your mind has not been completely. like shattered. You get the puppet, you. buy the puppets, you play with the. puppets for a few hours, you go, "Oh, this kind of sucks. I get it. It's a. puppet." And then you're done, and then. you move on. BUT THERE ARE LARGE swaths.

of the population. millions and millions of people. who still enjoy a puppet. I mean. So. I mean, I'm going to try to say I don't. want to be better than people. I don't. want to be that guy. But. at at a certain point. when everybody's like in politics and. you have. all these people are doing uh.

debates. We're going to structurally. reform the. What? They're watching puppet shows. How this country doesn't have a dictator. already is amazing. I'm amazed. that we don't have a dictator already. with what people where where people are. mentally in this country. People are mentally broken in this.

country. Their minds are broken. It They've been. polluted with sugar and fat and drugs. and booze and cheap entertainment, and. they like puppet shows. You can talk to them about climate. change, have the puppet do it. I mean. I mean have a puppet moderate the.

debate. It. Folks, I don't know what you think is. going to happen. Good, listen. Bernie, Trump, good, whatever. Bernie's got great points. I'm I'm I'm a. big fan of people having health. insurance. I really am. I know some. people will be upset at me about that. I also, on the other flip side, don't. know if he'll be able to get it done. I. know where where we're living, you know? I know in order to get anything done in. this country, he's got to go into the. woods and convince a bunch of people in. hoods in the middle of the forest it's a. good idea.

You know? He's got to convince a bunch of people. barbecuing human beings. You know? That it's a good idea that we keep. pre-existing conditions in, and I know. that can be challenging. But I also am. deeply skeptical. of the ability for change because I'm. I've met people and I've spoken to the. people. And I just don't know.

you know, what you know? I mean, I remember I was I was in rehab. with a kid. I've talked about this. before. I We got out of rehab and he invited me. to his girlfriend's house or his house, his girlfriend was there. And he wanted to watch a Jeff Dunham. special. Now, I I think Jeff is. talented. I've never met Jeff, you know, all the disclaimers that whatever, you. know, who cares? I'm [ __ ] Jeff Dunham. like what, I'm going to go on the road.

with Jeff like a big puppet, talk about. Disney kidnapping your kids. I don't. think that's going to fly. But I'll give. all the disclaimers. You know, Jeff's. great, he's got a lot of money, he's. talented, whatever. God love him. God. God, you know, hey, hi, boo-boo-boo. They wanted me to watch a Jeff Dunham. special, and they said, "Our favorite. puppet is Peanut." And I said, "What?" I. didn't really know. I knew Jeff is a ventriloquist, but I I. didn't know like I didn't know people. got that invested in the puppet. I. thought it was maybe like dirty.

puppet [ __ ] like dark puppet. You can. have fun with puppets, right? I guess. I. don't know. But when I I went to this house and I. watched it with them, and I watched how. excited they were getting and they're. going And when Jeff brought out Peanut, they went nuts. They started clapping on. the couch. I said, "You I looked at this. kid and I went, "You should do heroin. Like you should go back to doing drugs. That was probably a better life for you. than sitting here. and having your mind numbed." And they.

just laughed so hard at this puppet. And I realized that for most people. life like for most people for a lot of. human beings out there. I don't know how many people. Let's just. say far too many. Okay? For far too many people. life is a bowel movement. You know? It. It's just a. like they It They don't have.

They just are existing on Earth and they. don't think too much about anything. going on. around them. They don't have the mental. faculty to comprehend what is going on. They do not understand what is. happening. And then the people that do have those. mental faculty and do understand what's. happening tend to poison everyone else. And the reason for that.

is because they meet them. Like the. Bushes, the Clintons, they meet all the. people. They go shake their hands. They. do all these events and they go, "Yeah, they're watching puppet shows.". So, why not. kill people, poison people, start wars? You know, these people are watching peanut. I I mean, it's so. I mean, I'm not trying to. say that we don't have a lot of bright. people here, but.

the average American, like the average. American, and this is why I could never. run for anything. That in my past and. present and future. But the reason I could never run for. anything is cuz I'd go, "The average. American. is the problem.". Like the average American. who wants to watch the puppet show. And and just. and just. like. they just.

I mean, you look at the people that are. on a cruise ship. and they just want to eat and just. float. They just want to eat and fart and. float. That's what a cruise is. It's a bunch of disgusting people. that want to just sit on a boat. and watch garbage comedians, garbage. music, garbage entertainment, stuff. their faces with food, pull into some port, go buy a knickknack,

go home and put it on their. refrigerator, okay? And then go watch a puppet show. I mean, give them free college. They're not going to go. They won't go. What do you do? Force them to go with a. gun to their head? You can put the military, you can drive.

them in trucks. Give them free Give them everything. Cancel the student debt. Cancel it. Do what you want. I, you know, Keep They don't want to know People just. talk. They don't care. They They don't. They don't even know why they're No one. knows why they're on earth. So, like the. idea that most people are going to try.

to waste any time figuring out anything, they just go. They shrug. They just want to feel. things. Their minds are dislocated from. their bodies. They're impressed by light shows. You. know, you go to Vegas, you sit down at a. restaurant, they got light shows cuz. everybody. Yeah. Yeah, I went down to a restaurant in. Vegas. There was a frog singing and it's like. there's something fun about it cuz. you're in Vegas, but like. this is what people want.

They want the puppets. That's why. politics is a puppet show. They're all. puppets. People are like, "Why are all our. politicians puppets?" It's like, "Cuz. you like actual puppets.". You like actual puppets. So, why. wouldn't the politicians be puppets? I I mean, I. Fast cars. We like to see cars drive. fast. Your car fast. Your car go fast.

Like to see people beat the [ __ ] out of. each other. You know, that's it. It's what it is. We just, you know, want to see porn. where people are beaten within an inch. of their life, strangled, choked, defecated on. You can't [ __ ] unless blood's being. drawn. You know, I I mean, this is what people are doing out there.

They're eating cinnamon roll pancakes at. Denny's or 1,900 calories. I get it. They're eating salted caramel banana. cream pancakes. Doesn't even sound good. Served with a pitcher. Let me bend. written on the Patreon episode. Served. with a pitcher of caramel. Pitcher. Not a side, a pitcher of it. You could drown your pancakes in caramel. and then go see the puppets.

You know, people tell you proudly in America. reading's not for them. They go, "Reading's not for me.". Proudly. Long Island's famous for that. Long. Island is the only place people take a a. an intense pride in their ignorance. It. might not be the only place, but it it's. one of them. They just laugh in your face. They go, "Ha, I don't know anything about that.". Like if you start saying something. intelligent, they'll laugh at you. I don't know anything about that. Ha ha. ha.

They smile on their face cuz they think. they've won and they have. They've won. They're They're They've won cuz they. don't know. And then one day, you know, it all the lights just go black anyway. It just all goes black. The end. Produced by Dick Wolf. It's all over. They you know, so. it's not that I'm like politically I I I. think Sanders is really interesting. I thought Trump was going to be.

interesting. I think Trump's somewhat. less interesting than I think. I think. the response to Trump is interesting cuz. these [ __ ] psychopaths on the other. side cannot effectively counter him at. all and it just proves that they're as. as wantonly The Democratic Party is as. wantonly corrupt as anything. Um. and they're trying to steal it from. Bernie and they're trying to give it to. Buttigieg because he works for the CIA. or or whether he knows it or not and he. probably does. It's just what it is, okay? Um. and watching this in real time, watching.

the biggest human trafficking case. with huge political implications, watching that completely go away and get. get out of the news cycle is [ __ ]. fascinating. Uh watching this guy get killed, watching that all be covered up, watching them try to steal the election. from Bernie in [ __ ] real time. I. don't care if you like Bernie or not. What's happening right now is [ __ ]. historic. You're watching the ruling. class of this country. losing power and trying and scratching.

desperately. any way they can to grasp and put power. back in the control of the billionaire. cartels of Wall Street, Hollywood, Big. Tech, Big Pharma, all of these [ __ ]. things. These elite, you know, organs. of opinion, whether it's the Washington Post or. MSNBC or the New York Times, they're all. trying to diminish. Bernie's accomplishments. They did it with Trump. They've been. doing it, we you know, as soon as Trump.

got elected, there was a coordinated. attack on him. from every which way. Not to say some of. it wasn't justified. He's a shady guy, but it was over the top. These things. are kind of invented. This collusion. Russia narrative never played out and. the amount of the amount that it was. hyped. You said that the president was. an agent of a foreign power for 2 years. and then turned around and went, "Oops. Guess you were wrong.". It It's absurd. And they're doing the same thing to.

Bernie in the primaries. You have to. realize that. They're doing the exact. same thing. They're throwing everything they can at. him. Whether you [ __ ] think his. economic policies are reasonable or not, understand the moment historically that. you're living in. Many of you do not. grasp it yet. because things are still good. There's. still waffle Sundays and puppet shows. I don't know that that'll be around. forever. And I know that when there's still. waffle Sundays and puppet shows, I like. the former.

Many of you like the latter. But because there's still waffle Sundays. and puppet shows, nobody has fully taken. time to appreciate. the time and place in history you are in. now where you're seeing the cracks of a. civilization become too big to hide. and the fractures are becoming too deep. and too meaningful to ignore. And it's the national security state. It's big money players. And the people. in this country are turning on the.

government. They are turning on the. established order. They have been fed a. diet of [ __ ] and lies for very long. [ __ ] time. We've seen horrible abuses of women, children, human rights abuses, all of. this [ __ ] coming to head in the last 24. to 48 months and people are flipping the. [ __ ] out. People's minds have melted. The QAnon cult is people that really.

can't handle how much real [ __ ] is. [ __ ] up. So, they've kind of invented. this subterranean war that Trump is. having with these deep state people and. he's going to, you know, bring justice. to all of these people and whatever all. these people that they think are. involved and, you know, and there's no real proof for that. There's no evidence for that other than. conjecture and and that's not to say. that there aren't slimy shady people in. Hollywood and Washington. And we I've. talked about that as much as anyone on. this [ __ ] planet.

I mean, maybe not as much as anyone on. the planet cuz I want to have a little. fun and laugh a little bit, too. I just. can't [ __ ] talk about that every. [ __ ] minute. But, you know, we get how [ __ ] it is, and I get the you know, people wanting. there to be this war happening. I've. never I've never not wanted it to. happen. I hope it is happening. I just. haven't seen any evidence of it. And if. I don't see any evidence of something, then I turn into Rachel Maddow. sputtering on about Russian bots and. Putin like a lunatic, and I refuse to. let my mind be melted, even though it's.

a mind-melting time. It's a mind-melting. time. Trump is the president. You know? That's wild in and of itself. Alex Jones is one guy in Austin, Texas. that had a news, you know, organization. One guy that became so threatening, rightly or wrongly, whatever you want to. say, and.

all the tech companies. kind of got together and deplatformed. him and took all of his you know, he was. kind of unpersoned or whatever you want. to say, disappeared. And. it's crazy time that you have one person. with that reach. that becomes that much of a threat. to whoever. that they got to, you know, take quick. action. to get rid of him. And you might agree,

you might go, "Hey, he's [ __ ] up. things at Sandy Hook, blah blah blah.". None of this is we're we're not making. moral arguments about all these things. What I'm what I'm telling you is just. sit back and think about how. inconceivable any of this was even 10. years ago. that these types of things were. happening. Because again, this is the. result of the. the. independence. of media. It's starting to become a real problem. for people in power. It's becoming a.

real devastating trend. for them. And they're going to have to. do everything they can. And they're starting with apps and the. app's not working or the app doesn't. work. The app doesn't tabulate the votes. And then they reported Pete and Amy came. in second and third, and they barely. mentioned that Bernie won. And then they'll tar him and feather him. and say this about him and that about. him, and they'll, you know, arrange it.

so, or hopefully, they won't, but they're going to try as. hard as they can. to get their boy in the White House, their gal, whoever. You know? Same reason Trump, you know, dropped. that big bomb in Syria as soon as he got. in. He's playing the game. It's just. what it is, the mother of all bombs, the. MOAB. You know, we're defeating ISIS. You. know, if you still believe that, I got. you know, I. don't know what to tell you. I got some jewels to sell you. I mean, ISIS, all these things that.

don't exist that we pretend that we make. them up and we we trot them out when we. need them. ISIS, you know. Yeah, they're it's the Islamic state. They're horrible. They're terrorists. They're bad. They're bad boys and girls. over there. We got to go set them straight. We got. to go set them straight. And then we go. do that, and then, you know, 6 months. later they're back again because. I guess they're the most powerful. fighting force in the world cuz I. thought we were, but somehow they evaded. us or they went underground, and then.

they came back up, and it's like, you. know, what a what a fun little. whack-a-mole situation we've got going. on there in the Middle East. And it'll. truly never end. And Bernie's really not. going to do much about it either because. he's been he he's talked about the. military-industrial complex, and I. respect that, but it's just how do you. unwind that? You just don't, folks. You. don't really unwind that. And you you. people out there that think you can. unwind it, understand that you can unwind it, but. it's it's not going to be good. It's. going to be bad. It's not And I'm not.

saying don't do it because it's morally. an imperative that we don't do it, but. understand the amount of money that. these people are making, they're going. to fight back. It's going to be a fight. And listen, you might win. You won't. But understand it's going to be bad. They're going to do bad things. I'm not saying it's not a worthwhile. endeavor. But understand what's hap- A. lot of you have this pie-in-the-sky. view of things that you things are just. going to change peacefully and.

playfully, and everyone's going to be. like, "All right, you know, it's your. turn." It's not going to happen. They're they're These people are not. going to give up power without a. tremendous. fight. They're not going to give up the money. They're not going to give up control. And you're not taking it from them. It's. not going to be violence in the street. It's not going to be antifa. It's not. going to be your black backpack and your. hat and you're throwing an egg at Gavin.

McInnes. None of that matters to these. people. They don't give a [ __ ] because. they have the police and the military. and all the technology and all the money. and all the resources and all the land. and all the corporations and all the. tech and blah blah blah blah blah blah. blah. What you have is Twitter. You have Twitter. You go, "I don't like. you, meanie.". Now, if we have some massive. demonstrations, some massive civil. disobedience, if we have a guy like.

Bernie Sanders, maybe he's a. transformational figure, maybe he's not, I don't know. I'm skeptical about how. anybody But understand what this [ __ ]. is, what it is at its core, who we are. Stop forgetting who we are. Ray, I was on the phone with Ray today. He put up a great point. Who do these. people think we are out there? You know? We got to get BACK TO WHAT. WHAT? WHAT? GET BACK. This country is a scam. that ran out of steam about 50 years.

ago. It's been propped up by cheap. credit and foreign wars, and it's going. to fall, and it's going to be bad. Not. immediately, and not, you know, but it's. coming. It's. coming. And those fat behemoths know. down deep it's coming. That's why they. all file into the arena and watch the. puppets. Because maybe they're smarter than us. Maybe they're actually the smart ones.

Maybe they just want the raw [ __ ]. form of what this really is. Why dress. it up with Pete Buttigieg and Amy. Klobuchar, whatever her name is? Why. dress any of this [ __ ] up? Why not just. go back to it in its original form, furry. puppets? Cuz that's what it is. Entertainment, bread and circus, spectacle. So, maybe I'm the idiot.

that tries to make sense of it, and. they're the people that just file in and. watch the puppets. You know? Cuz those puppets are probably a hell of. a lot funnier than Pete Buttigieg. Maybe they're not. As always, I leave this broadcast with a. great hope for mankind. We've got a bright future ahead in this. country, and don't let anybody tell you. we don't. Don't let anybody tell you we. don't. Believe in yourselves and others. Invest.

in your communities. Invest in. yourselves. Push yourselves to the. limit. You are who you've been waiting. for. Greta Thunberg's going to lead us. all. It's all fine. It's all great. The. water's going to not rise, swell up, and. everybody's going to be fine. Buy that. little house by the coast. Doesn't. matter. It's all good. Go on the date. with that woman with [ __ ]. you know, a [ __ ] that kleptomaniac. who's has a Vicodin addiction. Don't. worry about it. Nobody's perfect. Just. bite it off. Bite it off more than you. can chew and choke it down. It's.

America, goddammit. Get your cinnamon roll pancakes and go. watch the puppets. It doesn't matter. You're lucky to be here. You're lucky to. be here at the end. And if you don't. think it's the end, it might not be the end, but you're. lucky to be here in the previews for the. end. Cuz we're previewing the end. The. previews are we're watching the. previews. We haven't started to watch. the movie yet. That happens when the. dollar is no longer the world's reserve. currency. That happens when the. pandemics break out and the plagues, when coronavirus comes here, you know?

Because that's all that is. It's just, you know, Harvard scientists, you know, China's doing bio warfare and. something slips out in the Wuhan. province and blah blah blah, but you. know, it is what it is. They're cooking up your death in a lab. somewhere. They're cooking up your death. in a lab, and you're watching the. puppets. And they'll put little masks on the. puppets to make it fun. when we're all in [ __ ]. hospital beds. They'll put little corona.

masks on the puppets. for all of you, and you'll like it. You'll enjoy it. You'll love it. Because you're a big. [ __ ]. And oxygen, air, and water has been. wasted on you. But. that's no reason not to have a Ridge. Wallet. Not at all. You need a wallet. You need a wallet.

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You know, we we're we're going to We're. trying to get more ads here, but you. know, the people that get us ads seem to. be. they they seem to be very relaxed about. the ads. They all seem to be like, "Oh, yeah.". There's no killers out there. I mean, I'm sure there are killers in the. podcast ad space. We don't know any of. them. These are all fans of comedy, which means they're derelicts. They're degenerates. You're a fan of. comedy, you're a degenerate. Most of the. time. Not all of the time. Not fans of. me. Fans of comedy, you know? Like the.

thing. Like to be fans of specific. people is fine, but to say you're a fan. of comedy means you should be hit by a. car. Okay, I do want to giggle. I do fan of comedy. I'm a [ __ ] Yeah. You fan of com- What does that even. mean? I'm a fan of com- I'm a fan of. laughing. We're all a fan of laughing. Shut up, stupid. Not you. Everyone. So what I mean is that if if you if you. want to advertise on the show, please. just contact us, okay? Email [ __ ] the show. Do we have an.

email for the show? The The Tim Dillon. Show at gmail.com. email us and not with horse [ __ ] If you. have a real ad, now I don't care what it. is. We have no moral qualms about. anything here. I'll advertise for a dictator. Literally. I will advertise if the US is going to. invade your country and you're a. genocidal dictator, email me and I'll. try to build up some good good good. karma for you on this side of the pond. I'll try to get some some some good. thoughts out there in people's heads.

about what you're doing. Email me. Bin Salman. No, but he's our best. friend. We love Saudi Arabia cuz that's who we. did 9/11 with. Have you been to Chili's recently? Chili's, yum yum yummy. You want your ribs? Come and get your. ribs. I want my baby back baby back. I mean, it's a real. That's the country. I want my baby back. baby back baby back ribs. Come to.

Chili's. Come to Chili's and then go. watch a movie. Go watch a movie in a big parking lot. after you filled yourself with Chili's. Maybe Joaquin Phoenix will be in it. Oh boy, it's late. We're getting a. little nutty, folks. This isn't me, it's. the. It's the waffle sundae talking. We. shouldn't have had it. I should have had. the wellness How's that wellness shot. sitting? It's decent. It's not bad. Shut. up, you [ __ ]. Try to make me feel bad. I didn't have. mine. I took one sip of that and I'm like, the.

[ __ ] I'm wellness shot at Mel's Diner. It's insane. Wellness. Uh. We don't have much else to say here, folks. Uh. All right. We don't guarantee results. Jewels by Tim Dillon Podcast, the Tim. Dillon. Full website being launched. We have a reel coming out of real people.

talking about how this has literally. changed our life. How literally before they started. selling jewelry, they were living in the. street. and and they were live they were bathing. in their in their own piss. But it's since then they started selling. jewels, they started pissing on others. That's what America's about. One day. you're bathing in your own piss, you're. the next day you're pissing on someone. else. Cuz that's what this country's about, piss. and puppets.

I want to go see the puppet. Um. Yeah, 9/11's fake. Nobody worked in those buildings. They. weren't even there. I'm kidding. I'm joking. I'm joshing. you. I'm pulling your chain. We're just pulling your chain. But it was fake. Uh probably. I don't.

know. What are you going to do? Buy the. dick pill, please. That's all we're. doing here is selling you [ __ ] pills. I. just ramble in between [ __ ] pill ads. Just put your mushy mashed potato [ __ ]. in. in somebody, but before you do, chew. chew some of these Blue Chews. You animal. Good night.