#177 - Sober December | The Tim Dillon Show

hi I'm Timmy the trashcan and I love. trash they all taste so good instead of. throwing your trash on the floor won't. you please give it to me thank you for. considering your fellow patrons thank. you to all the people on Instagram that. have reached out to me that are gay but.

also Nazis that are very excited that. there is a gay guy out there that. doesn't make being gay his whole thing. and it's real fun some of those messages. I get people are like listen hey I just. want to let you know I'm a gay guy I'm. also a Nazi and I just want to reach out. because it's very important that well. I'm kidding of course but you do get a.

lot of messages from a lot of different. people out there you don't know who they. are you don't know who's a [ __ ] Fed. there's some feds in my inbox probably I. don't know keeping tabs on me maybe not. some dude who looks like a [ __ ] the. hot lacrosse player but it's really a 58. year old and [ __ ] Virginia in an FBI. office just [ __ ] trying to figure out.

the inner workings of my mind so they. can co-op me and weaponize me the. irishman zoo is a real movie finally a. real movie i love the the best facebook. status I read about the Irishmen as a. guy be like you're not going to get it. if you're not from certain parts of. Peace Coast Jersey New York Philly.

that's what people don't like it they're. not from these parts yeah the guy who. spent his life working at blockbuster. he identifies with the Irishman the. movie about Hoffa a lot of strong. opinions out there in the world we're in. the month of December folks December is. such a as my boomer father would say. good man as he would say it's so fast it.

all goes by so fast which it does when. you're destroying the world it tends to. it's it's uh it accelerates when you're. using up all of the resources yeah. it just goes so fast that's all my dad. would say at holiday parties you know. he'd go where does the time go where. does it go you know it goes to mortgage.

crisis is and it goes to trillions of. dollars worth of debt you know that's. where it goes it is a fun month I'm. traveling a lot I'm going to the East. Coast a lot try to link up with people. somebody did this to me the other day. which I don't love they do the the. dinner sneak where they go hey you want. to do dinner and I go yeah and they go. oh great. so and so is gonna come and I'm like no.

no they're not gonna come you don't do. that you you don't ever DM somebody or. text somebody and go hey let you want to. go to dinner because that's a solo. invite to people dinner is different. than dinner with me and and and somebody. else it's a different game when you. bring somebody else to the dinner three.

people dynamic unless you all know each. other well the dynamic changes so you. got to be up front and go hey would you. like to do dinner with me and blank not. hey you want to do dinner I'm under the. impression it's just with you and then. you bring in a demon from Hell and then. I have to sit there and eat Caesar salad. with you know. I don't know but it's not right be.

upfront these two cats are fighting. again man they always [ __ ] fight I. don't know what it is there's a lot of. hostility these are not my cats I'm. living in a home in Los Angeles where. the woman that I rent from has abandoned. the home she has gone to New York to. live which is fine I'm renting it's a. good deal it's by the comedy clubs it's. right in the in central you know LA in a. nice area I don't want to tell you. really where it is because [ __ ] I. don't need people knocking on my door. trying to tell me about queueing on okay.

well I'm waiting for post mates but what. they've done is they've left the two. cats here and they all they talk about. is how much they love the cats they love. the animals but they've abandoned them. they've abandoned the animals that they. supposedly love and and her and her. daughter I mean they all you know when. you bring up they think uh-oh is the cat. okay. it's the cattle kit we'll come see it or. take it get it out of here and when that.

one of the cats dies which will happen. they're gonna be there's gonna be crying. and people are gonna be upset but it's. like if you care about the animals be. here for the animals. we've overdosed in this country on. animals dogs and cats if you are young. and you're in your 20s and you want to. accomplish anything which most of you. don't but if you truly do you should not.

have dogs or cats I'm telling you right. now and this is gonna be unpopular with. a lot of you because a lot of you stop. fighting a lot of you I don't know what. they're fighting over resources there's. enough here to get it they like. territorial over the litter box cats are. so disgusting the litter box always. smells like [ __ ] cat food smells bad. cats are filthy creatures they're. they're like mops you know they just. soak up all the dirt and the dust things.

live on them fleas and ticks and god. only knows there's a whole [ __ ]. ecosystem living on these. East's and dogs are not much better. folks they're not much better and I know. a lot of you are gonna get angry right. now because you don't want to hear this. you don't want to hear this this is Tim. Dylan's holiday message are you ready. for it. because I don't shy away from. controversy I call cashew von the. patreon. he's the Parkland kid that wants more.

guns and he says the n-word and he lets. it fly on Xbox Live and he I had him in. my home and I bought him sushi and that. ungrateful [ __ ] didn't say thank you and. I should have opened some hot lead into. his abdomen and see how he liked it. because I spent $100 on a sushi platter. and I got three pints of ice cream from. salt & straw which was another 50. [ __ ] dollars where your patreon money. goes is feeding this [ __ ] Jew and. furthermore he comes into the house he.

shits on been for vaping been does vape. a lot but he's made a lot of positive. changes in his life. and he doesn't need to hear [ __ ] from. this little kid okay who's famous. because he accidentally didn't get. killed and so we have he's yelling at. Ben for vaping and poor Ben gets really. mad Abed never gets mad at anybody but. Ben's like hey man you know I used to. smoke cigarettes and drink and now I. just vape but it's like Ben don't let. this little prick get under your skin. Ben can you get the I think that's the.

pokeball is here that's not a euphemism. for crack that's a literal pokeball you. sit it on the table I'll get to it later. the key to the pokeball folks is a. sriracha ponzu you got a the Sri Racha. this what is it sriracha it's not Sri. Racha right. it's sriracha yeah that's the move but. anyway so cashews gets here and we also. have CM Triple E for an hour you know. talking about Q and on and frazzled trip. and you know talking about the Hillary.

Clinton kid cookbook so that'll be out. too you're missing a lot why not I'm. really given a [ __ ] I'm really giving. a great unsubscribe from the patreon. pitch right here so khushu gets here he. starts then he starts [ __ ] on Oscar. because Oscars fat and everyone knows. Oscar from Instagram he's too fat cat. I'm like number one. Oscar if you shave them is not that fat. he's not morbidly obese he's a fat cat. cuz cats are supposed to be fat and then.

cashews like no animals aren't supposed. to be fat it's not natural I'm like what. about elephants bears whales pant. there's a lot of [ __ ] animals it. should be fat cashews you know it all. little prick who's 18 years old doesn't. he doesn't know anything sweet kid but. he was really testing us last night and. he comes in here and he just [ __ ]. starts popping off call me a Boomer cuz. cuz he says I don't text right it's just.

out of control no respect no respect. okay so my point folks about the animals. is and this is my and this is what I. mean I don't shy away from controversy. we bring it to you raw uncensored I go. after shoes now somebody's gonna be mad. at me because I asked him I push him on. his narrative because he's like you know. guns guns guns you know we wish you a. Merry Christmas here is an ak-47 and I. know that every time I push back a.

little I go wait a minute is there a. better way to do it all of you get mad. cuz you think oh you're a Hollywood show. you're being paid no one's taking your. guns what I'm saying is if anyone comes. on the show and say I'm gonna push back. at what they're saying number one. because it doesn't necessarily make a. good episode to agree with somebody it's. actually not a good episode but many of. you are too insecure in your own beliefs. so all you do is listen to people that.

you agree with already because your your. lives are meaningless so you just turn. on whatever garbage that someone will. agree with you already because you just. want to hear that you're right so you. can go back to your loveless home and. choke down a pork chop and then go to. sleep knowing that you're in the right. you're in the right side of history pal. so yeah I do have questions about guns I.

do think there's a better way to do it. you should make guns harder to get you. shouldn't take them away but you should. make them harder to do No. they're already hard to get well shut up. they're not as hard as they should be I. think most people would agree with that. most sober rational people would agree. with that. so I push back a little bit of cashew. okay I know that on law and you're all. psychopaths most people are in the. center most people don't care. most people don't wanna you know you.

know rehabilitate Stalin or Hitler. that's just not what they do they're. sitting in a cubicle with little. Christmas cards on it they have a family. they're just trying to get by they're. not into you know you know [ __ ] you. know the extremes I talk to people all. the time and it's like some people just. online all day every [ __ ] day take a. walk you know take a walk but we have. cashew Vaughn here and and now that.

cashews been here I think everyone. should have a gun and most people should. get shot. I now pro school shootings because I've. interviewed him I want no gun. restrictions I want everybody that wants. a gun to have a gun and I want I want. schools to be shot up randomly so. because these [ __ ] 18 year olds this. kid comes over here just as sushi. doesn't say thank you. there's no thank you anyway the point of. saying about the dogs and cats here's.

here's what I'm saying about dogs and. cats for Christmas if you're having a. Christmas event at your house have the. decency to put your dog or cat to sleep. before you have your family there put. them down put them down especially if. you don't have the big home if your home. is not already impressive if it's not. nobody wants to smell the dog or the cat. the mangy put them down put them to. sleep and I know it's a controversial. message put your animals to sleep and.

focus on yourself you made a mistake. learn to love yourself get rid of the. dog get rid of the cat they do not love. you they just want food yes they're fun. to have when you have a certain when. you've reached something in life they're. fun to have but when you're. struggling you got to get people to. watcher do you know how many people I. see online that have people watch their. dog can you watch my dog there's a whole.

industry of people that bring losers in. to watch their animals kill them put. them down get rid of them it's if you. cannot handle the responsibility of. having an animal get rid of it you are. giving yourself an excuse to be a loser. I can't do it my dog my cat you you've. adopted another person another life-form.

that's going to that that is needy just. like yourself you're needy you need. someone to come and feed you you need. someone to come and walk you now you've. adopted another loser like yourself who. needs constant attention and then you. try to pawn it off on other people. because you can't afford a that's one. thing if you have a professional command. that's a different game but if you're.

just pawning your animals off on your. friends and family because and or your. children on your friends and family you. should put them to sleep your animals. and your children put them to sleep. smother them smother your children if. you cannot of if you had a child and. it's two or three years old and you just. it's too much pressure smother them in.

their sleep this is I just sometimes I. say lines like that because I think it'd. be a very funny place to put an ad like. right after right after smother your. children in their sleep I I could start. talking about Ridge wallet I just think. that's a funny I'm not serious about. smothering your children I'm not serious. about killing your children I'm really. not even serious about putting your. animals down what I'm saying is I'm.

making a I'm making it point in a funny. whay my point is that far too many. people have pets it's gotten out of. control. far too many people make their pets. their identity it's very sad and it's. very disgusting and we all see that. you're doing it and listen I put. pictures of Oscar up online all the time. because he's funny okay because he's. been deep platformed he lost her social. media account for publishing nancy. pelosi's address he's been accused of.

trying to violently overthrow the. government he's been kicked off a lot of. crowdfunding sites so when I platform. him it's because he lacks a platform but. enough with them enough with the animals. all the time you know what I'm saying. folks use your own judgment but what I'm. saying is you just have to you know. enough already my aunt my father and his. wife bring their dog everywhere my. father and his wife have three dogs you.

want to hear about these dogs I'm gonna. tell you about these dogs okay but my. father is married to a lovely woman. she's very liberal which is great her. parents are very liberal but they're. lovely people and I enjoy them okay how. liberal is she here are the names of the. dogs Fred for Frederick Douglass by the. way my father his wife are white just in. case you were wondering white like I'm. white blotchy red Irish white pale.

translucent burning skin cooks like a. Red Lobster in the Sun white white okay. white bars suburban white she might be a. little Cuban whatever Fred for Frederick. Douglass what's the other dog's name. Maya for Maya Angelou my is a lily-white. dog my is a white dog looks like a white. supremacist the third dog is named hold.

on Ruth for Ruth Bader Ginsburg Ruth. Bader Ginsburg my Angelou and Frederick. Douglass are their three dogs that they. have. they brought them to my grandmother's. house one year and my uncle Tommy who is. like a drunken lunatic but I do like. because I appreciate that in a person he. doesn't make America great again had and.

he's great he's just a fun he's just a. fun guy you know he kind of lets it fly. when he's doing the barbecue you know I. think he had some business deal didn't. go well with Jews once and he's like. maybe little Herschel can't go to summer. camp this year he's like flipping. burgers I enjoy that you know I like. when people lean in you know I he came. up to me once he's like you're. lifestyles no problem with me I'm like. well thanks so much thanks for calling. it a lifestyle I appreciate it I should. I go die of AIDS now in the kitchen.

floor. just to make you know so he's nuts I. mean he's a crazy print but but I. appreciate that he's I like like him I. like him better than the liberal people. like I rather him you know this is why. Trump gets elected because you'd rather. the crate like Kamala Harris drops out. today and all these people or they're. throwing a fit it's like knuckle it down. get ready for the fight stop tearing. each other apart you want diversity I'll. support Cynthia McKinney. do you know Cynthia McKinney is she's.

the black four term congresswoman from. Georgia who punched a [ __ ] cop on. Capitol Hill and questions 911 all the. time I'll support her phone bank for. Cynthia hi this is Tim Dylan have you. heard about Cynthia McKinney she just. started to she just wandered into the. Gaza Strip and she started going crazy. one that I support her bring her in pull. the lever for synth but so they got. these three dogs they bring them to my.

grandmother's house for her birthday. my uncle Tommy like loses his mind he's. had a few drinks he's like you know you. know my mother hates dogs here [ __ ]. selfish you're a selfish like and by the. way he's a hundred percent in the right. leave the animals home don't travel with. nobody wants your animals in their house.

tommy's may be wrong about a lot of. things race relations gender dynamics. you know you know who who you shouldn't. shouldn't support in World War two I. don't know but he was right about that. get your [ __ ] dogs out of the house. too much with my dad we'll just text me. a photo of his dog he's like Hello Fred.

says hello. it's Ann I get it because the kids are. raised the kids are raised and there's. nothing really to love except boomers. didn't really love the kids that much. anyway the boom she booms the boomers. really weren't that into the kids the. boomers would bring the kids to do. things they wanted to do that's why me. and my generation saw like movies we. shouldn't have seen when we were like 5. because our parents wanted to go so they. would just seat us in the theater next. to them while they saw Basic Instinct.

while Sharon Stone's getting plowed and. your [ __ ] 9 but it is what it is. because your parents weren't gonna get a. babysitter for you because it was about. them and now the dogs and this is why so. many boomers love their animal and I'm. not hating on you listen I love animals. everybody loves animals I'm just saying. it's a little too much you know what I. mean we all know what I mean now there's. people walking around New York City. pushing strollers with dogs in them it's. [ __ ] insane it is crazy and and for.

whatever reason the boomers have gotten. really into animals. the boomers have really gotten into like. dogs little dogs and cats and they're. very in they're more into that than they. were ever into being parents so it's. very interesting to watch that happen. because they're a little older now and. they're like and they they you know they. love doting on an animal I'm just saying. as the holidays come up and you're. asking people to go to your homes just.

keep in mind that not everybody's in. love everybody loves a dog that's clean. and well captain ok and a cat is fun but. let's not let's not have a barn when you. walk in a house you know what I mean. house that I'm staying at sometimes when. you walk in it's you like walking into a. barn when I first got here there were. multiple dogs multiple cats and you'd be. walking in and you hear when you're at. somebody's door. I [ __ ] cringe when I'm at somebody's.

door and I hear the [ __ ] panting and. the [ __ ] already already I hear the. the collars jingling and the panting and. the barking and screaming because I know. I'm gonna walk into a pigsty I'm gonna. walk into a pigsty I'm going to walk. into a barn and I'm going to walk into a. disgusting home that smells like a wet. dog or it smells like cat piss it smells.

like a cat just took a piss all over the. house and I know people love their. animals I'm not gonna keep doing that. disclaimer I'm doing it one more time. because I love animals I don't hate. animals but I think people need to. realize that you need to to [ __ ] keep. up with you you D animals can't run the. house you know far too many people you. go into their homes the animals run the. house you sit on the couch as five dogs.

have jumped on you and start drooling. biting [ __ ] you my friend just got a. dog and you know everything's about his. dog now which is great he loves his dog. and he's you know buddy doesn't have. time he sees dog that much but you know. he loves his dog it helps him learn. responsibility which is good and and. that's I I appreciate that I respect. that. you know I'm just you know I'm gonna.

wrap it up with the animal chunk I'm. just saying you know somebody's house. here today knocking on a door you. waiting to walk into their home and. you're just basically bracing yourself. for everything you own to be ruined. you're bracing yourself for spit and. [ __ ] hair just dog hair and cat hair. and then you're just brushing it off. yourself. in an uber just clumps of hair and then.

wherever you're going you're walking to. a meeting you're walking in somewhere. else you've got a it looks like you have. pubic hair all over your body manscaped. there'll be a great man's cape placement. that's why you got mom's script office. Christmas parties are coming up folks. office Christmas parties maybe some of. you are throwing them office Christmas.

parties were a lot of fun not as much. for sober people they're just not many. of you were sober I'm sober things are. less fun for us now own that understand. that stop living in a fantasy world that. things are as fun as they used to be but. things are not as fun as they used to be. but they're also not as bad as they used. to be there is the trade-off and when. you're an adult you understand that. that's what it is. life is a trade-off it is not as fun to.

go to a Christmas party sober in fact. it's almost pointless not completely. pointless but it's almost pointless. because alcohol is that social lubricant. that allows you to really first of all. what alcohol allows you to do at. Christmas parties is you start looking. around at the people that you see every. day and you start appreciating them and. you start imagining that what's going on. constitutes a life which it doesn't at.

all but alcohol allows you to believe. that sue from accounting and you are. have a bond because that one time she. got your name wrong but then she rushed. a change so that you could get paid by. Friday and remember that sue remember. that and remember when you came in the. kitchen and I was like eyeballing. Talia's lunch and you made that joke oh. don't steal her lunch and I didn't and. you know but you always kind of looked.

at me skeptically sue because of that. and you thought maybe he was stealing. lunches and I wasn't what I was doing. this is a hypothetical what I was doing. is I was looking at what other people. ate that's what I was doing I wasn't. stealing. anything but you need to why don't you. go back to your office and [ __ ] get. the names on the checks right because. I've worked here for seven months ooh so. what alcohol allows you to do is when. you get really hammered you don't want. you to die in a car accident anymore. which is what you want every day you.

want to say hello to sue you want to say. how are you how's your daughter. you have a daughter oh she's and she's. going to Northwestern isn't that good. sue great yeah and then you make some. dumb joke and that's what it allows you. to do you look around at the people in. your orbit and you go oh these are. people and this is a life I'm living a. life this is a life this will do this. will do it's Christmas I work at a. shitty company we all hate each other.

world terrified of losing our job we're. working for this [ __ ] trunk loser. this whole thing's probably a Ponzi. scheme we're probably gonna be thrown. out into the street any minute but right. now there are lights on the bar there's. booze in my cup there's a Southwestern. eggroll if you're lucky enough to be a. Chili's if you're lucky enough to be at. Chili's. there's a Southwestern egg roll or. there's a little shrimp with a tangy.

[ __ ] you know cocktail sauce or you. know what do they love in Long Island. that bang bang shrimp that fried shrimp. with that chipotle aioli [ __ ] fires. cracker sauce well you know exactly what. I'm talking about and you can nibble on. that and booze it up while bald Mike. from accounting comes over and tells a. couple of street jokes that he heard and. if you have to do that sober you want to.

shoot up the whole thing it's hard to do. it doesn't make any sense because you. realize very quickly if you're sober. that this is a horror of all the places. in my life I could have ended up to end. up in this shitty bar in a strip mall. with these losers in this corner of the. world is such a human tragedy sure it's. not as bad. he's stepping on a landmine or having. cancer or getting [ __ ] every day by.

Senators and that or having a [ __ ]. you know an adoption go wrong and then. you didn't burn with cigarettes I get it. people have worse problems but if you're. a sentient human being in yourself aware. and you look around and you have to [ __ ]. and have another conversation with Denis. Denis who talks only about the one time. she went to Aruba and that she's saving. up for another cruise so she can take.

her plump fat Italian ass and put it on. the top deck of a carnival ship so she. can tan and when I fan I'm basically. black I'm basically black when I did I. did I'm black I'm black when I Dan and. you have to sit there and you have to. listen to these people these. mouth-breathers they don't have any idea. that they two are locked in this hell. that they are in this [ __ ] simulation. but they are not cursed with. self-awareness like you are they are.

like animals they don't have the power. of reason they don't think they just. fart and [ __ ] and move and the pedal to. the metal and then they stop the car and. start the car open the door close the. door take a [ __ ] I'm hungry I'm not. hungry. cocaine nostril boom that's what they do. but you for whatever reason have been. cursed like much of humanity with a. little self-awareness so when you're at.

that bar and maybe you're a little early. and you're waiting in your car because. you don't want to be the first one there. but you're not gonna go home first cuz. if you go home first you know you're not. gonna [ __ ] go you know you're not. going if you go home first you get to. the place a little [ __ ] early because. god forbid you work a little harder at. work so you get there a little early and. you're just in the bar and you get there. and you're alone and the only person. who's there is [ __ ] Ralph and Ralph's. creepy as [ __ ] and he's probably a. pedophile you don't know but he's. [ __ ] weird because he talks about.

high school girls a lot and that makes. you very uncomfortable and Ralph is. there and you're like [ __ ] I don't want. people walking in and seeing me and. Ralph's there but who walks in the ball. and he walked in cuz you're standing. there would [ __ ] Ralph and you're. like [ __ ] and the boss is there just to. make sure everything goes well tonight. you know because he knows he's running a. scam but at least he's got to keep. everyone invested in it once a year. he throws a stupid shitty Christmas. party we got a tray of wings a chafing. dish of you know balsamic chicken sub. penne alla vodka and you walk around you.

commiserate with these [ __ ] dolts. that you work with and you have to see. every day and at that point some booze. and a few hits off a [ __ ] blunt or. vape can really go a long way a nice. cold cigarette when you're all lubed up. with some kettle one can really help a. holiday party just sail by it almost. might be fun it starts to get fun.

because you start to realize it's not. that bad things aren't that bad things. aren't that bad look where other people. are that kid you grew up with he's dead. remember him no one he just disappeared. one day and they found him in a lake. what happened to him in those final. hours you'll never know but you're in. Long Island it's okay there's movie. theaters and Italian restaurants and. girls that might suck your dick if you. buy an eggplant parmesan things aren't. that bad and sure you didn't really do.

anything with your life and you're just. floating around you're 25 years old. you're sexually weird and confused you. can barely perform with women you don't. have that many friends left many of them. have passed you by and they threaten you. so you get them out you know and it's. fine though because at the end of the. day these people at this shitty job see. promising you I mean do they really. let's be honest they hired you before. you even said anything they just needed. a warm body in their office to convince. themselves what they were doing was. [ __ ] reasonable but hey it doesn't. matter it's not not bad because you can.

call that fat girl again you bone last. month maybe she'll be involved and then. you can just [ __ ] not even cuz you enjoy. it just cuz you can say to yourself well. I'm [ __ ] I'm part of it things gonna. happen you can imagine that shitty. little Levitt home you'll buy in a few. years when you just save your money and. your parents are proud of you because. you finally have a basement apartment in. Hicksville with Formica counters. okay so things aren't that bad you're. not in jail you're not in prison you're. not dead. you know it's it's a [ __ ] it's what.

you do you measure yourself against the. absolute lowest of the low. you say to yourself hey I'm not shooting. up schools look at me I'm not doing. anything wrong. I'm just here and maybe it's a dead-end. job and maybe I have nothing left and I. have nothing in common with these people. and every passion that I have. I've extinguished because they've all. frightened me but it doesn't matter. because I had a few kettle ones and I. smoked a joint. Ralph's kind of funny now and Denise.

she's a big goofball she's saving for a. cruise you know when sheet and she looks. black she's got a big fat ass and you. might [ __ ] that ass who knows it's weird. but then there's another guy in the. office Clark he's kind of gender. nonspecific would you let call Clark. blow you in a bathroom you don't know. that's for the third of the fourth drink. to town and you actually start liking. your boss even though he's clearly a. criminal and he'll probably be in jail. in a few years what he says make sense. about hustling and grinding and just. making it happen he didn't need a. college degree you know he didn't need.

you know any discernible talent or skill. he just kept pushing through kept. calling old people and telling them they. should remortgage their house okay and. you just followed that because you. wanted to prove that you're a real man. with Alexis and in those situations it. is so essential so essential to have a. cocktail a stuffed mushroom I mean this. is what am I gonna lie to you I'm not. gonna tell you I'm not gonna tell you.

that it's gonna get better not gonna get. better the things that I have to do from. my own business sober after my Netflix. special I went to the Netflix party and. it was embarrassing because Netflix had. like a bucket of hummus that they poured. on the floor and all these poor. comedians got on their hands and knees. and lapped it up like like Street cats. in an alley I was of course appalled by. this and I looked at my manager and I. said I'm leaving and I went with my. friends Eric Taylor and Laura servers. for funny comics from Boston to a local.

Waffle House where we witnessed almost a. fight but it was it was. they were the the waffle houses guards. but listen it was late at night and. people were passionate my point is at. Waffle House with two close friends was. much better than a shitty party and many. of the other comedians enjoyed that they. enjoyed hobnobbing with agents and. managers and networks they liked scum. you know they like vapid shells of human. beings they want to walk around and feel. like you're important they want to. really look jury at in that moment to me.

I hate it I'm disgusted by it I want to. leave immediately because it's low-rent. [ __ ] its low-rent [ __ ] it's comedy it. should be okay it's not a [ __ ] velvet. rope it's not a [ __ ] VIP section. you're not getting head in the back of. one oak or ten maple it whatever [ __ ]. these places are you're in a shitty. hotel bar with some executive from. Netflix eating hummus it is not an. accomplishment it is an embarrassment. it's another word that sounds like it I.

can I can see how you would get them. confused so you run away if you have any. sense I have to go to parties all the. time and I stand there sober and I. realized I don't really enjoy many. people and it's not their fault nor is. it mine it's just the way it is and. booze would help that and weed would. help it and pills would help it but. that's okay it's okay because I realize. that those things also have many many. negative many many negatives and some.

people are really do enjoy it and it. makes the person you do connect with. sober all the more meaningful and. important you know maybe whatever the. point is you can't relapse folks you. can't go back you can't go back that's. the point that's what I'm trying to tell. you because you're gonna find a way out. of that life if you sober up if you. [ __ ] have a lot of people [ __ ]. messaging me about drugs and alcohol a. lot of people if you find a way to sober. up yeah yeah you got a few soap you got. a few shitty Christmas parties ahead of.

you you're gonna find your way out of. there you're gonna find a way to do. something that you really [ __ ] enjoy. that's what it is survival is not only. about finding food water and shelter. it's about finding something that. doesn't make you miserable to do you'll. find that you know or you'll find a way. to make more money being miserable I. don't know. and then find a hobby you like it's not. my business I'm just saying I'm not. gonna lie to you because the month of. December is very tough in terms of. sobriety it's tough for a lot of people.

many people you know they talk about. their family Christmas they like getting. [ __ ] up on their family Christmas but. to me it was always the office Christmas. party and you know when I was in. mortgages you would you would not only. go to your party but you would go to the. party - the real estate agents or the. title companies you would you would hit. a few different office parties you know. and even the bars and restaurants in. your area they all seemed festive and. when things seemed festive it seems like. a fun time and you should just booze it. up it just seems fun every day's a party.

Thursday nights a party it's a party and. you can all just go out and and really. get [ __ ] up but you just can't do it. unless you're in the throes of it and. you're not ready to stop then just don't. drive get an uber get a cab because I. get it when you're ready to let it go. you let it go but there there is no. place that booze to me serves more of a.

function than an office Christmas party. I know that obviously when you go out. Friday Saturday night you're trying to. get laid that's a huge thing guys and. girls heterosexual it's a big deal gay. dudes it's not as big of a deal most of. them are on drugs anyway I would imagine. I think most of them are not all of them. the dudes I hang out with her they're. barely gay they don't come out they're. very weird they're like they're not in. the gay scene so I don't really know but. most of the gay guys in the area that I. live in seem to be on crystal meth. I don't know if that's the case or not.

but they also seem to have a lot of. money they seem to be doing well I don't. know is crystal meth a problem maybe not. I don't know the point is I know you. know people Rogan and Fitzsimmons talked. about it the other day it's like men and. women hitting on each other sober it's. weird but when you talk about social. interactions the office Christmas party. calls for getting [ __ ] up there's no. other time that calls for booze more. than that party because you kind of know.

these people you spend your life. with them but you don't it's a very. interesting coworkers are very. interesting they're not your friends but. they are your friends you see them more. than your friends you see them more than. your family but there's that. understanding that if you will get fired. or if you quit it's over no office. friendships ever lasts it just doesn't. happen. don't DM me and tell me that yours did I. don't care you're a loser if that's the. case when you walk out of that office.

it's kind of over you might see that. person a few months later you might have. a French onion soup but that's it. because your bond is being in the. trenches whatever those trenches are. whatever they are and then your bond. could grow into other things but it's. really contingent on where you work so. when you go out for that Christmas party. you know jokes hit so hard in an office. setting because everybody understands. the premise everybody knows Doreen.

everybody knows she's full of [ __ ] so. when you crack on her everybody explodes. with laughter a really great comedy show. is the same thing it's like everybody. gets the premise they get what you're. doing and they get why you're saying it. that's why if your fans come out it's so. much it's so much better of a show. because they understand you that your. point of view when you attack a subject. they get it you have to do less work. bringing them in they're already there.

you know and that's why some of the. hardest laughs I've ever gotten outside. of stand-up comedy have been in an. office and specifically at an office. Christmas party because that's the time. to bring out your a material everybody's. shit-faced. everybody knows the premise they. understand things are the government's. [ __ ] us we all gotta take this new. licensing exam to cut in our.

Commission's the company's [ __ ] us. you know there's that moment in an. office Christmas party we are somebody. comes up to you and you don't really. know that person that well but you have. this interaction that you feel is really. meaningful and. you see them the next day at the office. and you realize that you hate that. person but it's that one magical moment. where you have a conversation about a. hockey game. you were both had and then the next day. at work you're like oh yeah I hate him. and he hates me and you can never not.

hate each other because that's the way. it's supposed to be in the world but it. was that one beautiful moment at the. oven there's also that amazing little. huddle that you all have when you're all. smoking cigarette and by the way if you. don't smoke cigarettes at an office. Christmas party [ __ ] you I don't care if. you have emphysema and you have to smoke. it through a hole in your throat that is. a office Christmas party you smoke that. [ __ ] cigarette you do it nine months. pregnant you do it you do it however you.

need to [ __ ] do it. don't [ __ ] when you go out and you. smoke cigarettes and you like usually. it's the boss and he's got a team of. guys you know four or five guys and beer. women whatever and it's you know he's. smoking a cigarette and he's just kind. of giving yeah you know it's like he's. giving you it's not really a pep talk. but it's just kind of a you know it's.

like a year in review type of thing and. there's something nice about that. because he's like let me relate to you. as a human being I'm gonna you know I'm. gonna talk to you as a person and maybe. share some story from the past and you. know you're there and you're like all. this you know he at that moment what. he's trying to do is convince you that. he doesn't look at you like a piece of. [ __ ] which he does and he has no reason. not to but in that moment he's just.

drunk enough and he realizes the. responsibility he has he has to like. look at you like a person and talk to. you like a person because he needs. people to work at the company and he. doesn't need you to go back to college. or [ __ ] you know move to [ __ ]. another country or whatever you're. considering. now or kill yourself he needs moved to. another country it's like who's my.

audience end up moving to another. country but you know what I mean. move to another County maybe County I. meant County but I show that if somebody. says to me what do you miss like what do. you miss about drinking you know I kind. of miss an office Christmas party and I. and III that I'm reminded of that in. December I'm reminded of that in. December and I've been a really shitty. one I've been a bad ones I've been the. ones that where they bring in a hero.

into the office cuz things are really. [ __ ] and it's been a bad year and they. bring in a big hero and some macaroni. salad and people just start making. drinks in the office it's I've been to. some bad ones. I've been and those are the worst. because people are not making that much. money they're pretty depressed and it's. it's very if you're in an office. Christmas party in your office you're. [ __ ]. I mean it's just it's not it's not a.

good sign you gotta be at least. somewhere else you gotta be somewhere. else there's no other way there's no. other way that it works how many times. do I have to tell you people that you. need to change your life you need to get. new outlook you need to remove negative. toxic people from your life and also. positive people that's something nobody.

tells you also have to get rid of. positive people to negative people is. that goes without saying but many. positive people also have to go that's. just a fact you also need to get rid of. material possessions that you once. considered useful okay and you need to. find sharper sleeker more cost-effective. alternatives one of them is the ridge. wallet.

the Reid's wallet is a minimal front. pocket wallet that's designed to. streamline what you carry every day it. has 30,000 five-star reviews in his bed. way to carry your cash and cards it's. only it's a small wallet it's metallic. it is it is it's almost indestructible. it's you can the cards do not fall out. the cash does not fall out none of this. falls out what it is is a minimal sleek. wallet you use it you you streamline and. you take all of the [ __ ] that's in your. other wallet you look through you go.

what do I really [ __ ] need you go. nothing I don't need anything I'm. throwing these cards out they're maxed. out I'm cutting them up I'm not gonna. live in a cycle of debt I'm not gonna. owe 21 trillion dollars to China and. have to finance it on a bubble of. illegal Wars and torture I won't do it. you throw those cards out you keep one. card one credit card one debit card you. get one business card your lawyer your. accountant somebody important that you. speak to okay you put a few other things.

in there an identification it's all very. streamlined and simple everything else. is on your phone. everything else that you need is. digitized doesn't you don't need a big. wallet you doesn't it's unattractive it. makes you look like an idiot. makes you look like a fool it really. does. I think the ridge wallet is the first. step to making you reevaluate a lot of. the things in your life well how much. excess is in your life right now that.

you don't need how many things and. people in your life do you not need. would you be better off without that you. could just get rid of dumped leave on. the side of the road do you need your. wife do you need your kids do you need. your pets do you need that job do you. need the state you live in do you need. your town do you need your mother and. father sister and brother do you need. your friends from college do you need. your high school buddy do you need all. of these things that weigh you down.

these people these burdens these people. that expect things from you that tear. out a chunk of your flesh maybe you do. maybe you need some of them you don't. need all of them I know for a fact you. do not need all of them you can get by. with less you eat too much and you drink. too much you can get by with less you. can have your. and still survive you can have your. wallet and still survive you can have. your family and thrive [ __ ] thrive.

you don't need these things I'm telling. you it's very important to re-evaluate. every now and then to look around at the. people around you and go why are they. here what am i doing starts with a. wallet while it is essential it's one of. the things you always carry on you you. get a sharp wallet you get something you. know it'll it'll start the revolution. you need a revolution of the soul and of. the Spirit you're bogged down.

possessions it that's a Boomer thing the. hoarders floor-to-ceiling boxes poor. [ __ ] you don't need ok if you don't buy. the ridge wallet here's what I'll do I'm. gonna come to your house I'd kill your. family in front of you ok I'm gonna kill. your family in front of you if you don't. buy this [ __ ] wallet I'm gonna I'm. gonna find you I'm gonna hunt you down. and find you because it's a great.

product and they sponsor the show and I. have one and I use it and I like it and. Ben has one and he uses it and he likes. it and I don't know what you people need. they got 30,000 5-star reviews what do. you need what are you waiting for we. provide you entertainment you want to go. back to watch it and [ __ ] Jimmy. Kimmel but or a Jimmy Fallon or any of. the Jimmy's of Seth Meyers it's not. gonna happen you're with us now. you run the pirate ship you have to help.

you have to help fund the pirate ship. you know we're not the government we. can't sell weapons to Yemen we have to. sell Ridge wallets and that's what we're. doing ok yeah I'd love to be the federal. government just sell coke for years and. pretend well I don't know how it got. into the country I don't know I don't. know just sell a bunch of weapons to. Saudi Arabia a bunch of missiles and. jets I can't [ __ ] do that we're. slinging the ridge wallah it's a goddamn.

good product nobody's getting killed. nobody's getting killed no crack babies. are being born through the ridge. you get what I'm saying I'm doing it. clean folks I'm doing it the right. [ __ ] way we've made a lot of blood. money in this country is what I'm saying. a lot of people just swimming pools of. blood money and they do backstroke in it. and then they get mad and they wonder. why people around the world aren't. really thrilled with us open a [ __ ]. book dummy this is one of the dumbest. countries ever when you go around and. you talk to people they know less about. anything than me than you'll ever any.

human being you'll ever bump in it was. true and look at their wallets they suck. they're tattered pieces of old shoe. leather not Ridge wallet people Ridge. wallet people are smart sophisticated. urbane they get it they know they're. their warriors and champions Patriots. yes real Patriots not fake ones they. love America for the right reasons and. they want they want her to be at her. best all the time that's why they have a.

ridge you know I'm very critical of. America but that's only because I like. America I want America to do the right. killing the right genocide the right. drug sales the right weapons. manufacturing okay I get that you got to. do a little killing but let's do it the. right way let's be cautious and careful. let's be neat ah by the wallet or I will.

I will drive down your street in a car. and I will hit your kid on on his bike. and I'll kill him. telling you right now I'm gonna do that. if you don't get the wallet by the. wallet it's Christmas time it's Hanukkah. it's Kwanzaa it's winter solstice I. don't give a [ __ ] what you celebrate by. the goddamn wallet and give it to your.

friend at work he'll like it tell him. about the podcast it's a great way. start a friendship you hand them a while. ago I listened his podcast they sell. those wallets. [ __ ] lunatic who screams and then. that your friend will listen to me. scream and in your car together you'll. you know you'll be in separate cars. eating your launch eating sandwiches. you'll just you'll have the windows. rolled up it's cold but you'll just hear. the screaming of me screaming and you'll.

look at him and he'll look at you and. you'll give each other the thumbs up and. you'll keep eating your sandwich okay. Ridge wallet it's the way to go folks. that's all I'm saying. so here's what I want you to do it's. what I want everybody to do I want you. to go to Ridge comm /ti em use code TI. em for 10% off your order ridge comm /t.

IM for 10% off your order do it or I'm. gonna make your life a living hell I'm. gonna start problems if you don't do it. please do it now I got to go do a set of. the Comedy Store and we'll finish this. podcast thank you goodbye. and we're back we're in we just got back. from the comedy store raining in LA when. it rains here there's no reason to be.

here the city smells like [ __ ] not a lot. of people leave their home they don't go. out it's pretty bad the city's not. designed to handle any rain there's no I. guess what's the term irrigation or. flood system I mean it's whatever it's. bad it's bad it's [ __ ] it's [ __ ] man. it's [ __ ] what are you gonna do go. down to Florida go down a sunny Florida. but yeah for all of you struggling with.

sobriety issues over the holidays [ __ ]. and I hear you you know I get it I know. what it's like I I sobered up in 2010. and I haven't really had anything to. drink I haven't smoked any weed or. taking pills I haven't done any drugs. since then you know I mean it is really. [ __ ] amazing fat Oscar the. has jumped up he jumps up as soon as we. start podcasting he jumps up on the.

equipment because he wants to do a. podcast but Apple will take it down like. he who wants to say things that can't be. said he's just a problem when I look. back though. I think December was my favorite month. to use drugs and alcohol since I was a. little kid since I started smoking weed. there was something so much fun about. walking around my town when the.

Christmas lights were out and I was. smoking weed they're [ __ ] going at it. again is I'm trying to focus guys get. them out of here man they gotta go you. gotta go guys I'm trying to focus and. there's this little cat is [ __ ] Oscar. up Oscar's his big fat mess but it's. very interesting it's like MMA watching. them go at it and Oscar just has no his. reflexes are not good he's just a. [ __ ] mask man and he's really getting. his ass handed to him and he deserves it.

which is why if it was up to me they'd. both be put to sleep which was what I've. told you to do with your pets earlier in. the episode if you remember but walking. around my town when I was 14 years old. smoking weed with my buddy all the. [ __ ] Christmas lights were out there. was something fun about it there was. something festive about it you know and. then I remember as I would get older and. then with somebody at a car you would go. drive around these really wealthy areas. in Long Island and [ __ ] all that. Christmas lights would be out it was.

just a fun time to be [ __ ] up it just. is month of December just is you know. for other people was the summer I like. doing [ __ ] drugs in the summer too. don't get me wrong I'd like to interrupt. him a fall the spring the winter none of. that mattered but the month of December. to me was just a great month I love. doing drugs a month of December there. was something about it I remember you. know a lot of my you know what I could. look back at a lot of the times that I.

remember with my friends getting [ __ ]. up they were around the holidays it was. Christmas break. it was parties it was as you get older. it was [ __ ] office parties and. [ __ ] going out to bars and everybody. you know there's something stupid about. Christmas lights that just make you feel. like your behavior is warranted there's. just something about hanging Christmas. lights on the outside of a house that. makes it okay that you're doing cocaine. in front of someone's children I don't. know what it is you just feel festive.

you're just like I guess it doesn't. matter that we're doing cocaine with a. pregnant woman because she's got it Elf. on the Shelf you know I don't know what. it is but you know it's true you know. I'm not lying there's there's just. something about it that makes it feel. okay the worst food you can eat the. worst food ice cream and cupcakes and. cookies and hot chocolate. he's [ __ ] something about it's the. month of December you turn on the radio. and they said duh Mariah Carey song and. you know I don't wanna love [ __ ] I mean.

and it's all okay like it doesn't matter. that I'm drinking you know 1,200. calories of caramel hot chocolate right. now. this is December I've earned this this. is the [ __ ] mud that Mariah Carey's. own by the way is is the official song. of every like fat you know curvy sorry. ladies body positivity time curvy Long. Island woman driving around like a mall. I know I love [ __ ] whispers and she's.

just drinking a Starbucks - venti you. know [ __ ] you know cappuccino and. she's just driving home to her house you. know in Rosslyn you know that a parent. zone that's worth you know two point. four million dollars or in dad's the. shady Persian real estate dealings or. whatever in her you know her mom just. sits around and takes vicodin and you. know puts lipstick on reapplies lipstick.

all the time and scratches herself but. so I know how tough it is out there so. if you're if you're [ __ ] getting. [ __ ] up in December enjoy it own it. but if you're not you know sober up and. realize it it's not a. good month it's actually not fun all of. this sucks it's not good the crowds the. people it's you know there there's. something to be said for it certainly. but you know on you know embrace the.

hatred of it to sober up don't dull your. senses you know lean into how silly it. is and and you know this isn't the real. meaning of Christmas go it out and eat. and [ __ ] cupcakes and you know. getting you know buying a [ __ ] dildo. with Bitcoin for your sister-in-law the. real meaning of Christmas is [ __ ] you. know the real true meaning of Christmas. it's being [ __ ] rich really rich you.

know that's the real meaning of. Christmas having a lot of [ __ ] money. having simple decorations a candle in. each window nothing gaudy stop with. those inflatable things on the lawn stop. it have a little class I'm gonna tell. you how to decorate for Christmas I know. many of you that listen to the show. literally are lost so here's what now. many of you don't own homes and you can. I decorate my apartment no this is to.

the people that own or rent homes I'm. sorry if you have an apartment you don't. get to decorate it you don't get put a. little Christmas tree next to your. microwave you know listen I'm not. judging you I live into a crazy bitch's. house the point is this is for people. that have a home with multiple windows. or if you have a really nice apartment. and you know maybe you can also apply. this to your thing you know I'm not. talking if you own a condo I'm not. [ __ ] on you I'm just saying listen.

you know if you live in a bomb shelter. it's gonna be a limited amount you can. do I've always been a fan of the the. single candle in each window because. it's Christmas but it's very creepy as. well and I like I Christmas should have. a creepiness to it that's not. overbearing like Halloween but you. should realize that it's you know it's. really another year it's the end of the. year it's the death of the year there's. a coldness to it and if there's a. severity to it you should embrace that I.

really believe that's why the best. Christmas movie is what. and what is the best Christmas movie. let's see if you know it now Ben has. been raised you know he was raised in a. you know in in in it in a Texas rodeo. town and you know what is the best. Christmas movie based on what I just. said think about it don't fire off an. answer like you usually do because. you're always wrong the best Christmas. movie now again the season folks is. severe if there's a severity to the. Christmas season and this is what we're.

losing it's not [ __ ] silly that's why. when you sober up you'll start to. realize that it is not just silly and I. want to bring back a severe Christmas. what is the best Christmas film A. Christmas Carol. not only is it not the best film but it. is such a basic [ __ ] answer that I want. to come over there and I want to. strangle you with the with the. microphone cord okay but you'd probably.

get off on it because you're sick. repressed Texas [ __ ] you wouldn't know. what to do here's the point the best. Christmas movies It's a Wonderful Life. that is the classic [ __ ] movie it's a. wonderful [ __ ] life and if you. disagree with me right now. crash your [ __ ] car oh it's gremlin. no it's not it's not jingle all the way. it's not bad Santa it's it's a wonderful. [ __ ] life with a black eye plays an. angel isn't that true look that up and.

that's nice that he does that because. it's [ __ ] you know everybody's. represented and the thing about it's a. wonderful life is there's a severity to. it it's about a guy and you know. everything sucks and he's on a bridge. and he wants to kill himself but an. angel tells him not to kill himself. Clarence Clarence right yeah he's not. black though he's he not a black guy. he's an old white guy the film is good.

folks is my point I thought it was the. black angel the mixing up movies it's a. wonderful life is the best movie I also. like Scrooged but that's not the point. the point is this severity benzo he's. got to ruin everything. there's. it's a severe film it's a wonderful life. it's great so what here's here's what I. mean when I talk about decorations in. the day I like the Windham Hill. Christmas collection it's like a piano. music it's very somber there's a sadness.

and a somberness I not a lot of peppy. Christmas carols do this become a somber. Christmas house I'm telling you it's. very important. the Windham Hill Christmas I'll find out. the exact one it's kind of piano it's. very somber sad but nice you reflect you. know you sit in your chair you go. remember what happened where's that guy. that guy's dead you know and then just. have a nice I thought uh you know candle. in every window ah nice Windham Hill. music in the house my mother when I was.

young used to have these things that I. never really liked they were they you. know the the the the they were in the. window you would put these dolls in the. window is a big thing in Long Island. then they'd all have a candle and the. candle it was in their hand and they. would go left to right yes like back and. forth my mother would you know she. really loved decorating she because she. was insane but also because that was. what you know you did when you lived in. Long Island you had a house he would. make a display and my mother would put. these dolls in the window and it was a.

big deal and I mean decorating was a. huge thing it took weeks my mom was. super into it I mean yeah I don't think. you have to do that I think you could. just put a single candle that you know. do it do a nice Christmas tree but very. tasteful tasteful and have it have it be. somber have it be somber nice wreath on. the door should look even if it isn't. expensive it should all look expensive. that's what Christ would want if he. existed which he probably didn't but it. doesn't matter we're we're a real.

primitive race of people on this planet. and we're almost done which is why I'm. happy to be I'm happy to be at the end. because when you look around you go we. have we don't deserve to make it to the. next phase and we won't machines will. come in and they will they will take. over and we're ready for it and we need. it and I'm happy it's happening ok also. also what you could do is you do like. you know a little nothing but you.

maybe a nice little ribbon or something. around you know do III you know. sometimes was 1950s lights are nice the. big colored bulbs I remember my mother. when I was a little kid I was in I was. in plays I was an actor when I was. little I started acting when I was like. six and the first guy that put me in. this play was a guy named Scott he was. director and he's dead now. and he had a winter wonderland in his in.

the basement of his Long Island house. you know he was a gay guy I don't think. he ever told he live with his dad his. dad was like a real weird guy I don't. think he ever told his dad he was gay. but he did have a winter wonderland in. his basement so that might have given. the dads some idea that there was. something going on there was no wife but. there was a winter wonderland like. should the gut and Boy Wonder wonderland. I mean the guy would have like all these. dolls and all these like he was just a. big deal thing and I remember my mom. took me and my father there and we like.

walk downstairs and this guy lived in. this house and his father was like a. psychopath his father was like one of. these Long Island guys and I think was. in a war and just stayed in the war. forever and had like combat helmets and. guns and knives all over his route he. was just waiting for the next war and. his son was downstairs you know with. like a winter wonderland [ __ ] display. in the basement it was very interesting. change from the first floor of the house. to the basement and me and my father and.

my mother would like we went over this. guy's house we walked around downstairs. into this [ __ ] thing and my dad was. like what the [ __ ] is this I mean it was. crate was like the the level of detail. how meticulous it was it was one of the. first examples I had of somebody that. was so meticulous and detailed about you. know something they were just obsessed. with it and nobody would see it unless. they knew him like it wasn't in his. window or anything was the basement of. his house so he'd have to kind of bring.

people in and when you walked in though. the living room was just like a regular. shitty Long Island house and then you. would have to walk downstairs and then. you would see this winter wonderland. display and it was wild I always think. about that sometimes. think about like what that guy was about. like what he was about just being living. in that house in Long Island having that. dad probably hated him or maybe liked.

him no didn't like him but maybe it was. a maybe they got along I don't know you. never know. you know III don't I don't know well. what do I know but going downstairs. every night and just creating this world. this winter wonderland world in the. basement of this [ __ ] Long Island. house you know while your father's. upstairs loading his gun and preparing. for the next battle like what a like. what a wild country this is you know.

what would a genuinely wild country this. is and that's why the whole thing where. everything is political now you just I. mean how do you politicize that how do. you make that in a Republicans and. Democrats and bigger small government. the truly fascinating [ __ ] in this. country is just how insane it all is you. know and and and and you can't distill. that to politics you can't you just. think about people's lives in the. proximity how close they live to each.

other and these lives and these crazy. things you'll never know about people. you'll just never know what people are. into what their passions are what. excites them you know most people just. labor away at things they hate because. they have to it's just shitty you know. and you'll never know like what that. person wasn't like you'll never know. like you know they'd be like oh this. person loved the clarinet you know or. this guy likes he likes torture porn you. know that's his that's his thing he you.

know and that's. you'll never know like what different. subcultures people really get into it's. like but it's just so crazy I always. think about that that to me like that. type of creepiness of Christmas not over. not Halloween scare boo God but it. almost a scarier Halloween but it's a. deeper I think about that guy in his. basement just make you know crafting. this little world. where he could just go down there and be. in this winter wonderland where all.

these dolls had these candles and. everything and he would just go down. there and get away from his life and. spend time down there while his father. was upstairs just you know choking down. Salsbury steak or whatever and the the. darkness of that moment the idea of it. to me you know when I think about. Christmas I think about things like that. because he loved that winter wonderland. was like he invented this law and then. he just died I think he had an aneurysm. or something I forget he which is kind. of he just doesn't exist anymore that.

guy but it's just an interesting it's an. interesting thing when you think about. this month it's a dark month let it be. dark don't have to fight that there's a. beauty to that there's something special. and interesting about that it's not. there is a lot of funny [ __ ] there's a. lot of funny movies and stuff but. there's a darkness to it that I don't. you it doesn't have to be silly you know. what I mean embrace what it really is. you don't have to get hammered and goofy. I mean you know unless you're young and.

it's fun and whatever or you've earned. it or you think you know I mean but. there you can really just settle into. what it is which is the end of the year. it's the end of the cycle the cold comes. and the snow comes and everybody dies. you know and that's that's how I think. of it that's why I like that really. somber Christmas music you know it's. just it prepares you for you and then. January's just death that's my birthday. January 22nd I came into the world at. the height of death the coldness the.

frost you know and then and then things. start to come alive again in the spring. but the winter is important so I always. think about that guy remember Scott. Scott he was the director and I mean not. of anything important I mean he you know. he directed plays at the local school. you know and uh. interesting man interesting stuff too. you know bean he had fun you know he had. a bit of fun life it wasn't a horrible. life he had friends and freaks that he. was you know the diff rends wid they'd.

go out to diners after shows and you. know that was the that was my first. glimpse into what people's lives were. like when they were outside of the. mainstream you know people were out. because a lot of these people were you. know the that theater group they were. like they were [ __ ] uh what did they. do they were they were teachers and they. were some guy was a mailman some lady. worked at a bank like they had jobs they. weren't making any [ __ ] money but. then they would be in these shows and. they would go out you know to eat after.

rehearsal or after the show and it was. like something for them to do and it. took them outside of their lives you. know and those our first glimpse out of. that I was six or seven I remember. internalizing that being like it's just. fun to go to a diner late at night cuz. that's like the ultimate [ __ ] you to the. world I remembered seven I was like oh. no one cares you go you go out late at. night you just say you know you said you. say what you want you laugh you don't. have to go to bed you don't have to get. up for school you know I did have to get. up for school but I was like these. people can just do what the [ __ ] they.

want it was my first then when I got. older and I understood it I was like oh. that was your escape that wasn't their. life like that was their life that was. the part of life they liked to enjoy but. their their life is that Bank or that. [ __ ] you know job at FedEx or. whatever they were able to get out of. that and do these shows it was just. interesting looking back there was my. first glimpse of people that and none of. them really thought they were gonna make. it there was no idea that they were. going to get to the next level that they. were gonna support themselves many of. them were either well in the middle age. they just enjoyed it it was in the some.

of these people were so [ __ ] talented. and and I've looked up some of them on. YouTube and they're still [ __ ]. talented and they're still doing [ __ ] in. Long Island just theater in Long Island. you know you know and I feel I feel. guilty kind of when I YouTube them you. know when I when I see what they're. doing because I'm I'm the most famous. person in the world now and I I wouldn't. if if any of them said hello to me I. would literally spin on them and then I. would have people that I walk around.

with pull a gun on them. and and and and just know I just I feel. guilty because I was able to make money. doing something I liked and that's a. tough thing and and you know not. everyone gets to do that that's kind of. a cool thing to do I don't know how long. that'll last or you know if I'll end up. blow my brains out. probably both you know it'll probably. last awhile and I'll also probably end. up blowing my brains out but I'll get a. lot of people first don't you worry no.

I'm kidding. but what I was just interesting that. whole that whole idea of that was the. that was the first glimpse I had it like. oh some people just you know they they. they they escaped and December feels. like we're we all feel like we escaped. we put lights on the houses we all. pretend to give a [ __ ] about each other. or we all you know talk to people we. haven't seen in forever we forced to. social interactions we go to the holiday. parties we lube it up with booze you.

know it's just fun everything's. everything's supposed to matter a little. bit more and everything like that but. there's an underbelly there's another. side to it that's a bit more serious um. darker and that side you appreciate when. you sober up. when I saw if that excites you the idea. of just having a little bit of a cold or. Christmas this year you know there's. something nice about being sober and. sitting there in judgment of everyone. around you I'm telling you there's. something beautiful about that you send.

me are looking at your family and. judging them looking at them and going. what the [ __ ] is what are they about. that's you know interesting and the. judge and yourself turn it inward turn. it right onto you but I do love this. month and I might I do miss it if I'm. honest with you I do miss you know you. know going to a holiday party getting. real [ __ ] boozed up and having a. forced conversation with someone there's. not there's no greater feeling than.

going into something you think is gonna. sock it and having a lot of fun whether. it's a comedy show that you're doing. whether it's a date whether it's a. [ __ ] chance a challenging thing you. think this is gonna suck and then you go. oh this is [ __ ]. great and if it's a good holiday party. that's what it feels like you go in. you're like I'm just gonna get this over. with and then you know sometimes it just. becomes epic you know and then you [ __ ]. someone you shouldn't or whatever or you. know you know you just say something you.

shouldn't you know and the booze is a. big part of that but you know if you. sober up you can always just go down to. your basement build that little winter. wonderland you can escape til you know 2. or 3 o'clock in the morning while. everybody is asleep you're like one of. Santa's elves working in your little. winter wonderland making a perfect. little Christmas village and then. upstairs you're your father snoring and. dreaming about Hitler you know I always.

think about that it's a real it's a. wonderful Christmas it's a wonderful. Christmas memory you know it's really. that's what it's about guys let's talk. about sex good sex remember the days. when you were always ready to go now you. can increase your performance to get. that extra confidence in bed listen up.

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usual angle on a dick pill ahead there. you know have children and have them. defend you but that's the reality that's. where we're going with it because I. think that's necessary so think about it. when you go on a date with a woman tell. her be like listen I don't want to I. don't want to jump to conclusions but. I'd really like to have children. immediately so that we can raise them. and we can you know. count on them when you know when we go.

off the grid because the grids gonna. collapse let her know let her know she's. with a guy that's woke real woke get out. of society woke you know that's of. course I'm doing character that's all if. society collapses you're not gonna save. yourself in the woods dummy it's just. you know she was gonna collapse and. she's gonna be a lot of pain for all of. us for a very long time and then. hopefully after enough I mean real.

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thank you but but you know this is a fun. month I do enjoy it and you've got some. exciting episodes on the podcast coming. up we have a lot of fun stuff the. patreon we had Kyle cashew Vaughn I set. a lot of fun things about him nice. things about him in the beginning of the. show we also have Sam Tripoli Sam. Tripoli's coming up next week we talked. about his channel get it taken off. YouTube he goes into some you know we. talked we talked a lot we talked a lot. about what his read is on Trump on the.

you know what's going on with the deep. state with the dynamics of all these. Intel agencies and Trump we talked a lot. about that we talked we talked a little. bit not too much about Epstein but. Epstein comes up you know mean Sam we go. deeper I mean Epstein is like pop. conspiracy now it's in the news but me. and Sam go super deep so you know it's. an interesting episode I think if you. have an interest in that stuff you know. Sam lays out.

what he believes he thinks is going on. and as always you never know but it's. you know he brings up some really. interesting possibilities. you know the peat rod is growing we. appreciate everybody that's subscribed. to it you know getting some extra. episodes we're gonna get some more. people on that patreon we've got some. big guests coming up in 2020 we're gonna. do video podcasts or coming back in 2020. but the reason that we're not doing them. in December is we're broadcasting from.

our porch in LA it's gotten very cold we. can no longer do that so we're going. we're looking at a few different places. but we found a place we think we like. we're gonna start with the studio we're. gonna be doing the video podcast for the. YouTube channel that's all gonna be. happening in 2020 so don't complain. don't be upset it's all coming it's all. coming we have we have really cool [ __ ]. planned live stand-up shows happening.

all over the place Tim Dylan comedy calm. tickets we have our life in the big city. shirt it's probably when this comes out. this will come out Sunday you don't have. a lot of time left to get it let me tell. you this is coming out you've got how. many days left Ben when this comes out. you'll have five days left to get the. shirt five days left to get the life in. the big city shirt and/or hoodie. you'll get it maybe before Christmas. maybe day or two after Christmas they. ship it on the 23rd will you give a [ __ ].

it's it's still Christmas until New. Year's and you know it you [ __ ] know. it between Christmas and New Year's. Christmas from the 25th till December. 31st December 31st is another holiday. that's New Year's Eve New Year's Day. which my parents used to have a great. big party we had filet mignon my mother. made creamed spinach we had Peach Melba. dessert she'd buy a Sicilian Pete's on. Long Island the fat square one and cut. it up and then put toothpicks in it and. everyone would think it's like pizza.

bites it was really great and we did. that for many many years and then of. course they decided they didn't love. each other and they dissolve their. marriage and as an affront to God but. New Year's Day is a great day for rest. and then you know. everybody starts starts working again so. you got five days from when this comes. out to buy the life in the big city. shirt. it comes from an episode of this podcast. where I said life in the big city and. that's something that my mother friend. Dennis said Dennis I was an interesting. guy he lived in my house he lived in a.

van in our driveway for a while and he. still dispensed a lot of advice while. living in a van not that he didn't own. the van by the way he lived at my. mother's van but he still would give. advice that's a special kind of person. that while living in a van that he. doesn't own in the driveway of a house. he doesn't own still be able to give you. advice it's an interesting guy and no. matter what happened in his life no. matter how bad things got his kids. wouldn't talk to him his friend died. whatever he would just shrug and say.

life in the big city and he would smoke. Marlboro Reds and he would drink wine. out of a Burger King cup and he would. just you know this was the greatest year. in the in the history of all years the. year was 1999 it was pre 9/11 where were. you in 99 Ben I was 7 years old in Big. Spring Texas Oh God God Big Spring Texas. Jesus Christ I was in Long Island New. York. I was I believe I was 13 and 14 I was.

born in 85 to 85 to 95 95 99 I was about. 14 years old and it was 1999 and my. mother was renting her house out Dennis. had one of the rooms and he would just. stare into the fire all day old love you. need work all that everything come home. he was staring to the fire smoked. Marlboro Reds he would say life in the. big city had a few different sayings. some of them are not appropriate to say.

again these are not sayings that I. endorse I did not say them these are. things that Dennis said Dennis said a. lot Hugo there's an n-word in the. woodpile I don't know what that meant. that was a saying he had that is not. going on a shirt and then he would say. life in the big city good life in the. big city and he would just drink the. wine box wine out of a Burger King. and a lot of people like Oh where's the. burger can cup on the shirt shut the.

[ __ ] up nobody's gonna know what that is. listen you have the box of wine and the. cigarettes he drank box wine it wasn't. always a Burger King Cup he could have a. cup from wherever it was just a plastic. cup it came from wherever it rarely said. Burger King on it you know Burger King. cups I don't think say Burger King those. plastic cops I forget that you know so. it was just a plastic cops sometimes it. came from Burger he came from wherever. he ended up getting his [ __ ] lunch. that day so it's a great shirt but he. would just say life in the big city and. I remember one of the best examples of.

it was when his kids tried to reach out. to him after not speaking him for five. years he answered the phone drunk and. they never think they hung up on him and. they never call back and my mother said. your kids tried to call you but you were. you were drunk and and he just said life. in the big city. great is my life in the big city 11th. man you called my mother the bear she. was a big woman he would go the bear. because the Bears angry with me because. I got too drunk he goes I got too drunk.

he goes to talk to my [ __ ] kids because. the bear is angry and he was just. smoking Marlboro red and I would just. sit down I would smoke a Marlboro red. next to him my friend Shea would be. there Shea would smoke a Marlboro red. and we'd eat baked clams and Dennis. would say the n-word and it's not you. know it's you know it's not like you.

didn't really say it hatefully I'm not. defending him I you know he's uh he's a. character the shirt is not a endorsement. of his views even though he wasn't he. wasn't that racist you know I think I. think that's the way to say that he. wasn't that racist but that's the deal. get the merch enjoy it buy the products.

that we advertise please if you need. them I mean if you don't need them you. can just buy them and give them to. people I mean you know but it's very. important. uh to us that you buy the product so. that we can you know I'd like to. advertise real big [ __ ] on the show I'd. love to Adeline I'd love to get a deal. with like Cilic side like Chile I'm like. why does Chile's let me just say like to. talk about the southwestern egg roll. wants an episode or [ __ ] talk about. you know you know I don't know I want a.

big corporate sponsor ice cream salt &. straw or something like that you know I. use your product if you listen to this. Thank You of somebody reaching out to me. from the Saddle Peak lodge I'm gonna go. back there for brunch I'm sure it's a. good restaurant adjust Thanksgiving we. had a rough meal you know but I was. right it was that drunk that old drunk. woman got hammered you know they took. her out in a stretcher and then her. dirtbag family stayed and had the. Thanksgiving there so I will be going.

back to the Saddle Peak Lodge and uh. that'll be that'll be a lot of fun if. you have a company that wants to. advertise on the show by the way if you. own a company that wants to advertise on. the show you can you could contact me DM. me through Instagram I do read a lot of. those messages I'd read all of them you. know I don't respond a lot of them. because some of them are insane and I. just sort of the time to respond. everyone if I don't respond to you on. Instagram don't take it personally it's. just because there's a lot of messages. you know sometimes alright thank you if.

you say something I like sometimes I. won't I try to read them but I get a lot. of messages but you can contact me and. DM me through Instagram and if you have. a company you're interested in. advertising on the show you can contact. me we are gonna set up at you because. the Instagram system is not a great. system so what we're gonna do is we will. set up an email do we have an email for. the show know the Tim Dylan show at. gmail.com email forget Instagram forget. DMing me you could the end me you tell. me some other things you know you're. [ __ ] you know your mother's you know.

has approved that Michelle Obama's a man. or something you know but email the tip. what is it the Tim Dylan show at. gmail.com email the Tim Dylan show. gmail.com if you want to advertise on. the show if you think that we're a good. fit for whatever your product or service. happens to be Tim Dylan show at. gmail.com contact us with with. we got a live podcast coming up in. Toronto in February which is interesting. I don't do a lot of live podcasts as a.

solo podcast but we're gonna start maybe. doing some more in the new year and and. those are some housekeeping notes thank. everybody for listening really embraced. I just wanted to give everybody a. welcome to December episode and what. December means to me as somebody who's. sober December really means death that's. what it means but but a beautiful death. and then a rebirth and then into January. and which is also another death so it's.

death a rebirth and then a death that's. kind of what it means but life but also. life you know if you if you like that. life whatever whatever listen to me. whatever gets you people to by the ridge. wallet do you understand if you want to. think December's about life didn't. [ __ ] do that is it about death do. that is Trump a demon from Hell maybe. is he a patriot a freedom fighter what.

listen by the wallet don't [ __ ] with me. here I don't care what you believe. it doesn't matter we're all gonna be. dead they're all gonna do what they want. Washington shut the [ __ ] up log off. Facebook telling it [ __ ] Carroll to. shut the [ __ ] up or aunt whoever I like. my aunt Carol that's not about my mi. mine Carol's not that she's not the. device of one but the reality is do we.

gonna do folks stop getting caught up in. these fake skirmishes and these wars. they don't matter. work on yourself like Gary Vaynerchuk. says build your [ __ ] business Gary. Vee what's he saying today let's end. with some Gary Vee quotes I want to get. pumped the [ __ ] up I don't know about. you guys but sometimes I wake up and I. don't feel like hustling and I don't. feel like grinding and I don't feel like. building a business and then III listen. or read the dailyvee and then I I'm back.

do you know what I mean by that I'm back. because Gary Vee is the greatest. business. mind of our time because his company. sells ads on tik-tok that's business he. makes a lot of monies got a lot of money. what are some of the dailyvee quotes Ben. right now what's going well how can I. motivate the people let's see a lot of. this is just promotional I'm trying to. find a quote I mean he literally just. tweeted a heart emoji right 53 wheat.

retweets 800 likes let's see I got a. find because he what are you saying with. the heart emoji guys is you gotta have. heart okay. nothing happens without a heart ask a. doctor you know it pumps the blood. throughout your body and your business. your body and your business okay don't. minimize that Ben that I'm you it. doesn't seem like that's hard work to. type heart but it is it's his strategy.

what so what else what else is going on. kindness always prevails lean into. patience if you're confused kindness. always prevails lean into patience if. you're config what I here's what I like. about him he's not even trying to make. these coherent anymore like he's not. even trying to make them make sense. because he realizes that a lot of the. people he's playing to are so brain-dead.

that it doesn't even have to like I'll. do some Garavito outs right we should do. a task where it's like is it a real Gary. Vee quota am i making it up but I think. here's what I would do if I were venting. care via quotes right I would say I. would say like that ones such a perfect. example of it because he's like lean. into patience if you're confused it's. like what the [ __ ] are you saying but I. would be like if I was a Gary Vee quote.

I would be like I would some stupid. right. I'd be like empathy is consistency and. then people would be like yeah that's. right I think at least consistent. because you have to understand what. people going through all the time not. just once you got to know your product. you got to know your market empathy is. the first step to understanding your.

market you're understanding people's. problems if you're not understanding. people's problems you can never. understand their solutions boom I'm a. guru right there I just did it now I'm a. guru you have to be on tik-tok you. should be spending three hours a day on. tick tock liking posts just trying to. understand what's going on you have to. understand the new media landscape okay. empathy is consistency consistency is. empathy lean into patience if you're. confused.

the dailyvee that's it folks that's the. show go follow Gary Vee on Instagram. Twitter I'd love to do his show I would. love to do his podcast I think me and. Gary would have fun I do not hate him I. think that he serves a purpose I don't. know if the people that follow him serve. a purpose that would be my that would be. my question but I do think that Gary.

serves a purpose I understand. to an extent what he does I just think. that some of it is wacky and some of it. you know as a comedian I have to call it. out because it's [ __ ] insane that's. that's what it is doesn't mean I hate. the person Megan McCain any of these. people that I make fun of IIIi. understand it is what it is like. nobody's you know nobody's perfect. though these are public people they get.

everything they saying it's you know you. know people are but you wouldn't you be. hey when you say crazy [ __ ] all the time. you know it's funny and if it's funny I. have to point out that it's funny it's. funny when you tweet kindness is. delicious I it's funny it's funny when. you're you know David hog they all tweet. it's also general and vague David hogs. like the militarism of everything is.

better. up so and what what's your what's your. [ __ ] idea David what's your [ __ ]. idea you just got a tweet racism's bad I. don't like regrown empower women it's. 40,000 lines oh shut up shut up you. vapid [ __ ] you know be a real liberal go. to Gaza blow yourself up I respect those.

people understand do you know how I. would show respect if I was sitting at a. table and somebody said to me my cousin. just she would say Ballmer I'd go [ __ ]. yeah I hope he's not here tonight but. [ __ ] yeah I go that's so interesting you. know how much do I relish that I want. that in LA instead of somebody call my. cousin works at Hulu do you know how. much more rather dumb somebody go yeah. my cousin's a suicide bomber oh yeah. he's you know straps of shoved a bomb to.

himself and he blue you know I'm not. saying that the deaths of innocents are. good I'm not saying that I'm saying. that's an interpersonal aside bomb after. you've spent a lot of time talking to. people that work at Viacom someone who. works as a suicide bomber or is in that. line of work or is it terrorist or knows. terrace that's interesting it's like. what's that world like what's it like. maybe it's not better than working at. Hulu being a terrorist it probably has.

downsides I don't know I'm not saying. that it's better to be a nicest and. working Hulu I think it is probably I. just think it's just more interesting is. what I'm saying I'm getting in all kinds. of trouble folks I think we gotta go we. gotta go like you know at a certain. point we cert we reach a certain point. in the program I'm trying to I'm trying. to make points but I'm making them. sloppily I'm making them slop you know. what I'm saying if you were out to.

dinner with somebody and they said hey. my brothers who was a bomber or. something you know you you would just be. like it's the same dude if somebody's. about brothers a murderer he's a serial. killer my cousin's a serial kid you. would be interested that's what I'm. saying. will be interesting okay and I use Gaza. as an example it really could be. anywhere don't DM me and be like. actually the the seven-day war it's like. enough it's not my beef [ __ ] Irish. from Long Island you solve it you figure.

it out that my [ __ ] beef my people. have been [ __ ] out forever. until they want to come to a country. like mine and make a [ __ ] movie about. knights and Dragons not even Game of. Thrones well I think they did shoot some. of Game of Thrones in Ireland today. probably don't look it up stop you. [ __ ] if you're such you're such a. sloth. Jamie Vernon is so good bringing things. up you're such a dumb Texas sloth you. can barely pull anything up everything.

done does he makes it out to be so much. he's like it's so much work he's so much. work I just can't even dear I worked so. hard yeah you so much work. he's his fiancee Lurlene Lurleen Wallace. George Wallace's wife fans like did my. fiance learn lane and Lurleen zyban work. so hard he worked so hard being Lurleen.

she knows we work hard too didn't Lord. our God knows how hard I work. he's a sloth they better keep it up. because I'll tell you right now we're. gonna get we're gonna get a team of very. small very efficient Asian Asians real. Asians Japanese Chinese high-end not. Filipinos not fat Asians although I do. respect them and identify with them. Filipinos are the only fat Asians.

respect I respect the hell out of. Filipinos because of that you know it's. tough to be the only fat Asian and they. do it they pull it off kind of in a. stylish way all the Koreans are kind of. chunky too and they're also very fun. interesting. listen was SNL gonna gonna get mad at me. are you not gonna give me a jobs I. noticed that Filipinos arm. rotund than Japanese oh sorry sorry it's.

the way it is you know folks. Tim Dylan comedy calm for live tickets. live shows god bless the queen god save. the queen. i'm trying to think of a real crazy. political I want to start like a. political party or I just wanted like. adopt the stance that is not. controversial because it's so stupid and. so I'll select I'm trying to think what. I could what I could really get behind.

like what what what could I get behind. that's so crazy it like barely registers. as like as a political ideology should I. become a wig like a part like a. long-dead party go long dead political. party like me try to revive a long dead. political party I wanted to be in Dan. st. Germain lose a friend of mine we're.

going to pitch a show where I ran for. Congress on Long Island or like a really. local job I ran a booth gonna like it. was gonna be like a unscripted show. where I ran and we had real advisers and. everything and we had debates and I ran. for like school board or something and. it was just this crazy campaign thing or. just kind of be funny as a show but TVs. dad movies of dad the irishman suck all. you have left is his [ __ ] podcast.

listen to it by the ridge wallet don't. [ __ ] with me. goodbye.