#172 - Long Island Wedding | The Tim Dillon Show

hi I'm Timmy the trashcan and I love. trash popcorn boxes and candy wrappers. they all taste so good instead of. throwing your trash on the floor won't. you please give it to me. thank you for considering your fellow. patrons all right we're in folks here at. the Safari Inn it is Halloween night. Burbank California just saw a maid.

talking to two other people staying at. the inn and they were like listen this. woman open the door she goes listen you. got to clean this whole room when we. leave we're both very sick which means. that they're all [ __ ] junked up in. there they're vomiting all over the room. and then this poor maid is gonna have to. walk in and deal with this [ __ ] when. these people drag their carcasses out of.

this place and you know that's gonna be. late check out you know they're not. rolling their asses down 11:00 a.m. or. noon somebody's gonna be banging on the. door 12:45 probably the cops we released. the video today where I played the. Epstein's temple it's got about a. hundred and ten thousand views on. Twitter in about five hours which is. really nothing and I fault the majority.

of you for not retweeting it because. what the [ __ ] are you doing set up an. account and retweet it the [ __ ] that we. make is great it's very funny and it's. hard to make and then you see what gets. 9 million views and it's like you know a. gang fight in a McDonald's which is good. I and I do enjoy those but you know I'm. not asking for 10 million views I'm. saying smash the retweet button on the.

[ __ ] Epstein temple video I spent. money on that costume. Ben followed me around LA I dressed like. the [ __ ] temple from pedophile. okay everybody told us we couldn't film. even flappers comedy club which by the. way if you're ever in Burbank and you're. in need of water to survive I would. never walk into flappers comedy club for. any reason but certainly not during the.

what is it called flappy hour yeah not. during flappy hour which is the open mic. they have there what is it daily Ben I. think so yeah every day they have an. open mic for divorced dads and assorted. Psychopaths in Los Angeles County that. make their way into flappers for flappy. hour okay and then they instructed us. that we weren't allowed to film there. Ben's filming me I paid [ __ ] $10 for.

a redbull I don't even drink redbull a. friend of mine was with me and and $3. for a [ __ ] water three and change. so of course you leave the five so $15. to perform for it seven people at flappy. hour and then this woman walks out just. a bento you can't film I don't even own. my own set after $15 and having to sit. in a room with the stench of delusional. Psychopaths comedy for these peoples.

like it's not even it doesn't even it's. not even a hobby put it that way it's. not even a hobby they put any work into. it's something that was like. court-ordered for a lot of the people at. the flappy hour they said hey instead of. shoving your wife how about you go and. get some of that energy out of the open. mic instead of pushing your wife in a. stairwell how about you go and tell a.

few jokes work out your anger that way. [ __ ] psychopath in that place I. remember I perform there one time and I. ordered what did I order do you remember. what I ordered the hummus yeah I would. have liked hummus yeah and the waitress. goes I didn't know what and I ordered it. like an hour before I got up on stage. which they couldn't figure out. put the hummus in the [ __ ] I imagine. many of the employees run the phone with.

their illegitimate children and couldn't. get the hummus in the ball so then the. woman came up to the answer is he goes. hey I was looking for you all over I. didn't know where you were with the. Amish I said I was on stage dummy I was. on the stage for an hour. earning my a hundred and sixty dollars. god that place makes my skin crawl.

I'll probably have to delete this when. I'm there next month I want to clean I. will not delete this I don't care I will. burn that bridge [ __ ] it I hate Burbank. it's a big mall I'm just waiting for. these people to stumble out of their. room and just start projectile vomiting. the way she looked at the majors like. we're really sick. you're gonna have to just burn this room. when we leave.

110 thousands of views listen I'm all. I'm saying is this the video quality is. great the editing is great the [ __ ]. thing is funny. celebrities are such [ __ ] other. comics are such [ __ ]. so many people just don't want to. retweet it because you know I know you. don't want absurd any boy you know god. forbid god forbid this jeopardizes your. chance of getting on Deal or No Deal and.

I know that's what most of you people. are in this for and I don't even blame. you cuz there's no there there it's a. mirage nothing is real just got a few. checks from Deal or No Deal. I don't even know what that show is I'm. errantly youuuu go with the deal or not. my career is called No Deal it's a show. called No Deal it's been going on for a. decade so I don't know what I don't know.

what that show is but I know that I'm. sure there's there's a lot of game show. host in this city and I'd love a game. show some. give me a game show I'll tone it down. for the game show and for everything but. for the time I'm on air we cannot get to. a family-friendly version of this for a. half hour to an hour think about a game. that I could get involved in you know is. this okay with the cars is it not no.

it's fine it's fine. we're recording outside on the deck of. the Safari end yeah but is it okay yeah. it's fine there's some traffic but it'll. be good okay it's not a big deal you. know folks it's called background noise. they don't you know why don't you. appreciate a little bit of a you know. ambient noise in the background like the. sound of a soft summer rain instead. except these are cars that a fleeing the.

fires you could hear their wheels. screeching as the terrain around them. burns and they're in the car with their. family they're thinking about what would. have happened if that that family had. just burned with that house and of. course it would have been sad but it. would have been a chance at rebirth my. father's wife almost died once from food. poisoning and my dad looked so. disappointed when he talked about the.

fact that she was saved and I don't. think it's because he doesn't love her. but there's a chance at rebirth do you. understand that it's not that he didn't. love her it's that you know waking up. alone sometimes is what's needed after. you've been in a bed for what next to. somebody for a long time sometimes. waking up reaching for someone who isn't. there is the ticket that's at least what. his face said he was kind of very solemn.

when he said that she was saying he said. we almost lost her and the way he said. it it was he was very like. matter-of-fact like we almost lost her. but that would have been it and I would. have had to move on but he's like you. know she was she was saved and you know. we're all we're all back together again. I'm just saying smash the retweet button. if you can folks not a big deal if you.

can't I get it. many many of his jobs you know what I. get fired whatever Instagram is like. hiding us you can get to Isis you could. have gotten to beg daddy on Instagram. before you can find me he's now dead but. you could have got to him you could have. got to his IG live before you find. anything that I do because Instagram is. you know I you know we just had dinner.

imperfect you know and then we said I. said to the waitress I go is your. bathrooms because yeah just take the key. and go around back what the [ __ ] are you. talking about take the key and go around. back so I could watch work at the. restaurant why is the bathroom locked is. it really I guess it really is. post-apocalyptic hellscape out there is.

everybody given birth in the bathroom is. everybody shooting up in the bathroom at. Murray's Italian restaurant in Burbank. whatever it was called that you need to. have it locked up we need to use a key. to get in is it that bad out there when. you check into a hotel is it that bad. that you the key works for three seconds.

in the elevator to get up to your room. before you you have to you have to hit. the sensor again it shuts off after like. a second who is getting on the elevator. in between 4 3 and 4 7 to murder you. apparently everybody there was problem. as I say that because none of these. corporations give a [ __ ] there was. probably like a slaughter in like a.

Hyatt or something there was definitely. and it had it was a. big chain and somebody got in there and. just went crazy. somebody went in there and went you know. breakfast buffet it's not good today and. they went into the elevator and plunged. a steak knife into someone's throat and. then hi it was sued and now it's like. the NSA get into your room there's.

ninety five sensors to get anywhere and. then the cards demagnetize you got to. keep going down to the front desk and go. if they don't work they don't work did. you keep on me your phone of your wallet. yes I did I did I didn't keep it in my. mouth I have to put it somewhere on my. person how about we invest money into. cards that don't demagnetize by the two. things everyone has to carry don't.

keeping your credit cards don't keep it. near your phone should I put it in my. ass for the day what should I do with. the card I'm seriously asking can you. hold it and I'll pick it up at the front. desk before I go up how about you don't. even give it to me if it's gonna. demagnetize standing there in the. elevator waving it in front of the. sensor like a psychopath everybody gets. in the elevator nobody knows whose card. to use who's everybody's waving the. cards frantically at the sensor just.

trying to get up to wash their ass it's. it's enough already let people get. killed if that's the other option. let's live with the [ __ ] chance that. someone's gonna get us there's nine. bolts on every door in a hotel like I. guess [ __ ] went down and I was not aware. of in a hotel I guess somebody who. walked into a Marriott and disembowel.

the family and nobody I didn't realize. how [ __ ] crazy hotels are with. security you know I stayed in in. Clearwater Florida they gave me a. bracelet which was cool because it's a. resort they go here's a little bracelet. but again you gotta use the bracelet too. get from the pool to the beach to the. lobby like every layer of gate you got. to go through now because apparently.

there's just a lot of people stealing. other people's vacations that's what you. have to believe there's people stealing. vacations they're showing up to the pool. and they're sitting there and they're. stealing the vacation that someone else. should be having I get it I get the you. need security but there's got to be a. happy medium between like no security.

and and feeling like we're like in the. underground city under Washington DC. there's got to be you know a Holiday Inn. Express shouldn't feel like the. Illuminati bunker under the Denver. Airport is my point it two people just. walked by I really had enough we started. out we started filming at this hotel. this hotel by the way thinks it's the. [ __ ] because Apollo 13 filmed here in.

Desperate Housewives and a true romance. so it's got a cool sign it looks like in. 1950s 1960s real LA you know it's got. the outdoor pool and it's a real cool. motel the way it looks and the rooms are. fine but the attitude here is that you. know it's this legendary iconic place.

which is fine to a degree it might be I. don't know I don't think it is but the. attitude here I did tweet iconic the. other day just Safari it is a joke. because it's like what do you say. Connick this they call it iconic [ __ ]. iconic about it that it was in coach. Carter [ __ ] are you talking about. it's an inn make the bed stop. everybody's acting like but he's act.

like you know that we're all it's like. Hollywood royalty walking around here. it's an end we're all here because we're. [ __ ]. what are you talking about it's termites. in my apartments why I'm here just a. woman I read to the department from let. termites eat the house that's why I'm. here not cuz I want to see the room. where true romance was filmed so what. they do is they families come here and. they stay and then they take them in a. van every day that to Harry Potter world. or whatever god-awful nightmare the.

Universal Studios has cooked up for the. American family you know to take their. minds off of God Only Knows whatever's. ailing them you know it's a nice little. family vacation you come here stayed to. safari in and you there's someone in a. van drives you to Harry Potter world I. don't know what that consists of I. imagine it's rides III I imagine it's. were you a big Harry Potter fan no I. liked Harry Potter I didn't my I didn't. read the books cuz I'm an adult I didn't.

read the books but I saw some of the. films they probably show all of the. films they're fine you know but you know. my friend's wife went to Harry Potter. world with her friend this is something. adults do now without any shame is it go. to a theme park for kids and that's okay. listen hey I'm not here to judge anybody. this is what goes on this is a fan. pulling up right now there's a van. there's a Jurassic world van pulling in.

right now they yelled at us for filming. I wonder if we can if we're allowed to. park I think we're allowed to podcast. wherever the [ __ ] we want. yeah I think so [ __ ] I'll start. screaming at these [ __ ] if they. try to stop us from podcasting I'll be. like [ __ ] I own my [ __ ] voice I'm. not gonna pay you money to speak into a. microphone. of course you gotta pay you gotta what's. a rental on this 10 grand a day to shoot.

more probably yeah maybe even a little. more yeah we got stopped filming here we. tried we filmed in the grove and that. stopped filming there which is a shot. outdoor shopping center in LA we got. they stopped filming we got told to stop. filming it flappy our. yeah the Supreme Court let us film there. they would not let Ben walk into the. supreme store in West Hollywood they let. me walk in I appreciate that. just like Epstein's temple mm-hmm. Halloween one thing I will say in LA is.

it people have really gone to some. trouble decorating their homes for. Halloween and I appreciate that. like that's a cool [ __ ] thing. Halloween's a cool holiday it's fun to. see people get into it we never really. decorated for it when I was a kid and. I'm sure you didn't because you came for. a very Christian do we even allowed to. celebrate it yeah yeah yeah okay but we. did not really decorate my mother had. Christmas decorations that she would put. up and they were dolls and many people.

from Long Island from other places I. don't think it specific to Long Island. many people know there were these dolls. where they had they were holding a. candle and then the arm would like go. back and forth with the little candle in. it it was just like there are these. famous moving dolls that you put in your. window it's like a display for Christmas. my mother loved doing that it was a big. deal she did not like Halloween that. much she thought it was satanic she. thought everybody was poisoning kids.

with the candy she thought you know so. she didn't really go out of her way to. sober them but it's nice to see people. in Burbank really getting into the. spirit here it's nice and it's you can. see the kids when they when they hit. like the kids that are a little older. are walking around and they're kind of. you feel the energy of like they're. trying to like break off from the path. they're trying to get into trouble. they're trying to learn you know they're. trying to figure out like what's the.

next move I remember seventh grade or. eighth grade I was I went out with like. the kids in my grade that were you know. popular or cool or whatever you want to. say they were all throwing eggs at cars. and other people that's what you did in. eighth grade that was like a rite of. passage that's as you were growing up. that's what you did you you you would. throw eggs and shaving cream and you. would vandalize property that's what. happened. that's what Holly. was about in the suburbs if you were a.

winner. you would go out and he would get into a. group of people and you would vandalize. people's homes and their cars and you. would throw exit kids and hopefully. those kids weren't bigger than you and. would come and beat the [ __ ] out of you. and every now and then you'd hear some. story about I don't know some kid who. swallowed an egg and died or you know. there's always a story well you didn't. hear about you know you know Jeannie's.

son went out and he threw an egg and and. someone turned around and shot him in. the head you know there's always those. stories you can get an eggshell in your. eye you know you know and you listen I'm. sure kids got [ __ ] up there were. fights should happen we always went. around there's a huge mob of kids and. eighth grade I went out for like the. first time with those kids and it was.

fun like we had fun and then I think I. had dinner with my dad after it like. 9:30 or 10:00 it was like a late dinner. at the steak house you know in the in. the town I grew up Jimmy Hayes and we. sat there and I was covered in shaving. cream but I'd rubbed it all in I was. wearing all black because I was in an. toughie and I'm kidding but I was. dressed like I was in an thava fat. antiphon chubby ant if I ate great I. wasn't fat I was chopping mean ray we're.

gonna do a sketch called fat aunt Eva or. auntie for however you pronounce it. where we were two guys dress in black. supposed to go to a protest but instead. we go to Arby's and we're just dressed. in black and we just don't ever make it. to the it's like a funny. just a funny idea you just never make it. never make it to the whatever why I'd. rally the fight just never get there we.

just keep going to different restaurants. like stopping off to just get different. fast food items on the way to the rally. and we just do we just never get there. and at the end like a Tomi Lehren type. girl comes and just like like hits us. with the butt of a gun or something like. we get close enough to the actual rally. and then she just comes in and just. [ __ ] but I was dressed in all black.

and I had rubbed the shaving cream in so. I but I just then I just smelled like. shaving cream so my dad's like what is. wrong what are you smell like we're at. the table with him and the owner of this. restaurant I was a guy I just wore some. Cologne and the owner of this. restaurants like yeah cuz you're trying. to [ __ ] those girls alright yeah I was. like well you know me [ __ ] them hoes. I didn't say that I was like well I just. smiled my dad was like that's what he's. doing just wearing Cologne. trying to [ __ ] members of the opposite. sex which was not the case we were just.

trying to have some fun and throw some. eggs and vandalize people's property. that they had worked hard for it kind of. slowed Milan as I look back now I go you. know what listen an egg on your Buick. LeSabre isn't the worst thing that ever. happened here you're fine and then the. big thing was gang initiate everybody. was like Halloween is a big night for. gang initiation and it might be it.

probably is I don't know but I remember. the the worry was the fear works. everybody loves like fear everyone loves. to be afraid of what's coming I do we. all do we all like it that's what we're. all role invested we love horror movies. we love like peeking behind the Pew know. the monster under the bed what's the. deal you know where's the bad stuff. where's the dark show we want to see it. we want to see how bad it really gets. out there we're into it it's it's we're.

hardwired for whatever reason and and. and you know everyone thought it was. gang initiation Halloween night. you know our mothers along our mothers. would be like you know Halloween night. is the night where gangs will just pick. a few you boys and kill you to get into. the gang they'll come here they'll kill. you. so that they can join the gang and me.

and my friends were just in you know. staring at our parents stoned be like. well thank you for letting us know like. trying to not try to not let let let you. know let it out that we were literally. starting to roll on acid you know thank. you. well I I bet we should just go down to. the basement now and stare at the. posters on the wall for an hour too and. think about what to do with this. information. gangs are coming from the city very.

coded words alright so what you're. saying is people from the city are. coming here to our leafy suburb to kill. us. to prove a point well I bet we should. sit down in the basement and just relax. for a little while before we decide how. to proceed with our evening you know our. pupils with the size of golf balls just. we don't really know what to do with.

this but thank you so much for this just. wanted to let you know be safe out there. be careful. gang initiation and listen I'm sure. somebody when I do something like this. you know without without without fail. someone on Instagram will share a story. with me about an actual gang initiation. that happened on on Halloween I am I'm.

not saying that that isn't happening I'm. sure it is have you did you hear that. that it was the night for gang. initiation - I never heard that you. never heard no no yeah I heard that the. one about the car coming in the opposite. direction with its headlights off and if. you like flash it then it'll like turn. around and chase you down and kill you I. heard that might be a thing Halloween I. don't even know I think that's that's. like animals wives tell yeah okay I. don't think that's real yeah Ben Ben has. no idea what I'm talking about like did. you hear the one about gang initiation. use like no I heard the one about the.

chupacabra I'm like oh no this is kind. of based in reality. then comes from just this is [ __ ]. wild. background of superstition and no I. heard that. heard the one about the black cat. crossing a path and I heard the one. about the vampire and the werewolf no no. no no no we're talking about gangs now. some of them listen maybe maybe it is.

gang initiation what the [ __ ] do I know. I got a wedding coming up this weekend I. can't tell you who is because the person. is famous and it's very nice and then. they also said hi we're not doing any. social media this weekend because we. want to respect everyone's privacy and. it's like hey I'm like into getting. photos with famous people so how can we. respect your privacy but also respect my.

need to get photos with people who are. doing [ __ ] better than me in the. business so I could put them up and give. people an idea that I'm on a path I'm. not really on how can all of our needs. be respected at once can we find a way. to bridge the gap between your need for. privacy and my need to look like things. are going better than they are how about. we meet in the middle could we meet in. the middle no social media well how. about this just tell everyone I was.

there then I don't have to go those. social media I should have to go it's. crazy I mean I don't know I'm listen. it'll be a good time and of course I'm. kidding I'm always kidding I've never. meant anything I've ever said ever ever. ever ever especially anything would ever. have said anyone they're all jokes the. things that are not jokes are the things.

that people universally accept his. truths we only know what they are after. they've been said hard to know what they. are before they've been said you know I. wish I I wish I was in a really I want. to I want to be at a Halloween party. right now in LA with like some people in. my little cool costume and I want them. to be taking photos and I want them to. but I don't want it to be comedians I. wanted to be like post Malone or hey I.

want to be at a party with post Malone. okay or even Karl Malone what if is that. such a is that such an unreasonable. request I want to be at a party with. Billie Eilish I want to have a photo. with Billie. Eilish but instead I'm at the end list.

of these junkies tell the maid that. she's gonna have a lot of work out of. her when they slither out of that room. you can always tell them people are on. drugs and are pretending to be sick it's. one of the funniest things ever I mean. it's not funny in the sense that they're. destroying their bodies and minds and. souls but what is funny about it is it's. so obvious to everyone else that they're. not really sick and that they're just. either withdrawing from drugs or they've. taken too many drugs and they don't have.

enough drugs whatever the case is we're. very sick both of us we both caught it. from each other ah did you huh but um. but yeah I don't I I don't I don't. really uh I don't know I think the gang. initiation thing was probably a myth. there was a lot of myth making like you. know we did the patreon opposite where I. talked about you know the false memories. and all that stuff and the idea that.

like a lot of them might have been. actually hinting at real abuse I'm not. saying that people don't falsely accused. people I'm not saying that recovered. memory I don't know anything I'm not a. doctor I'm not saying that that isn't a. type of science where it could produce. some results that you know are not. necessarily true and accurate and. verifiable I don't know I don't know but.

there was a lot of myth making going on. when I grew up. and the myths usually had to deal with. people coming to kill you and here's. here's the thing some of them were like. some of them weren't now that we've. known about you know the human. trafficking and stuff kids were getting. kidnapped kids were getting snatched but. not nearly as often as it would seem and. on Long Island you had to see some of us.

they were getting warned like some of us. we weren't getting snatched if we wanted. to. nobody was pulling up in a van and. grabbing us but like every day your. mother would be like just understand. that there's people out there that are. gonna kidnap you and [ __ ] you Oh God. it's like all right the thing is if we. were innocent kids it listen they. weren't wrong to warn us but what was.

hilarious is that we were cocaine. addicts and stealing from them that was. funny. in hindsight that's what makes it funny. hmm not so much that they were that they. weren't really wrong but it was just. funny that we were like going and doing. blow in the projects and they were like. you're just good kids there's bad people. in the world I'm like we know we're them. we got a good eye there are all of our. friends you know all the yeah you know.

the people selling coke to 14 year olds. those bad people yeah we know them. they're pretty funny they're actually a. good hang um but I'm sure that there's. not I'm sure that there is not the thing. with the wedding there's a lunch and. then the ceremony and then the dinner I. don't need to be there for the lunch and. then the dinner we don't no one's doing. that no one's doing it we go for one. meal it's not nine meals otherwise you. go there for the whole week and I can't. go there for the whole weekend you go.

for the ceremony you do the meal I don't. even go to my best friend's wedding my. friend Joe got married and where I I had. a select I had a weekend I worked for. years to start headlining in clubs and I. uh if they if they let you get a shot to. headline it could be the only shot you. get that year or that 18-month period. you want to get in the rotation of these. clubs. so a lot of people that I really love. and care about I could not go to their. weddings because I work Friday Saturday. nights this is what I [ __ ] do I mean.

and and and I and I worked for free for. many years to get to the point where I. could get paid to work on a Friday or. Saturday night so it's not that I don't. value people committing to each other or. the ceremony but what I can't do is give. up and now now I can do it easier than. that then I could then now I can move. things around more than I could have. that back then I was just getting on the.

mat this was like my first chance a lot. of these clubs headlining and you know. people get married I would after bike I. can I really have to work you know I. mean that's a fact you know it's. literally a fact I enjoy weddings I have. had fun I've had good times at weddings. I'm trying to think of my favorite. wedding that I've been to maybe my. friend Joe and Alison who you Matt. mortgage people they had a lot they had.

a lot of fun choose a very Long Island. wedding the Long Island wedding is. always a huge waste of money a Long. Island wedding is an $80,000 where you. take a handful of money and light it on. fire. in front of a roomful of people it's a. it's a 12-hour event where you save for. like two years and you live in a. basement and you you because your wife. wants to feel like a princess for nine.

hours before she goes back and does. medical billing for nine years and gets. fat she wants to feel like a princess. for just a day before she goes back and. starts drinking [ __ ] french vanilla. coffee made out of the [ __ ] bottle. with her other friends and smoking. marlboro menthol lights outside of the. medical billing office in Coram but. before she commits herself to a lifetime. of that she wants to shove her rib ice.

i stake feet into a few nice shoes put. on a nice but cheap looking but. expensive wedding gown because Long. Island loves spending a lot of money on. something that looks like you found it. and then shredding her stuff she's been. on keto for nine months she's lost six. pounds she doesn't know what keto is and. you and all your dirtbag friends get to.

go do cocaine one more time and I mean. one more time that week at a strip club. the night before the week before before. the big day and then your father gives. you a fun talk you know before the. wedding he says some you know profound. grunt oh you're like thank you that's. you know thank you for that guidance and. then you go to a place like Jericho.

Terrace or you go to a place like. Leonard's of Great Neck where they shot. a scene from The Sopranos you go to a. garish disgusting Long Island catering. hall that has some stupid name like. Chateaubriand and you go to this place. and it has a fountain and it looks like. a place where they have like like Little. League trophy night which they do and it. looks like a place where subprime.

mortgage brokers learn how to rob you we. did and it looks like a place where they. have sales conferences you know big. titted blonde haired [ __ ] and goombah. greasy head pigs eat chicken front. chairs and figure out a way to snatch. your pension from you with with the. PowerPoint presentations because that's. what these places do during the day and. then on the weekends they all light. themselves up so that Nicole and Tommy. can finally tie the knot a match made in.

heaven I met Nicole Lilly Flanagan's. when she lost her shoe she was vomiting. when I asked if she had too much to. drink she said no it's because I'm. actually pregnant but she was she was. enjoying herself having a few drinks I. fell in love immediately. the next day I took her to get an.

abortion and a bacon egg and cheese and. we discussed how sometimes movies aren't. good over the next year we decided to. move in together because we could not. afford our apartments on our own moving. in together was a very big step for us. because we had both been evicted the. week before. Nicole supported my DJ business and I.

supported her as a medical receptionist. she would make people radiology. appointments and I would show up in the. parking lot and we will get high during. lunch break we adopted a pit bull which. we cared for as best as we could we had. to give it to my father because it was. hard to afford all of the food and it.

also bit one of the children on our. block in the face we should have trained. it better but this is life as my father. always said it's always something you. know then I finally got a job punching. tickets on the Long Island Rail Road I. gave them my name four years ago and. then finally they allowed me to take my. place my rightful place among the. legends that work in the most important.

job in New York taking people from Long. Island into the city so that they can do. their jobs and watch Rangers games. Nicole also did very well. sadly the two kids that she were. watching for a year got hit by a car so. Nicole decided she was going back to. bartender our parents were so proud when. we finally got married I proposed at.

Flanigan's and then we have our parents. told us that they would pay for our. ceremony and Chateaubriand Nicole I love. you I've always loved you what happened. your friend doesn't matter you know that. she's a skank [ __ ] and I know that. you've always loved me I can't wait to. have many children with you show them. how to play baseball and get drunk and.

beat each other up I mean that's the. Long Island you know and she's like guy. thank you saw me I love you Tommy my. name is Nicole I feel very special today. because my friend Donatella is here with. me I know that you've had many struggles. over the past four years you were gone. for a period of time in and out of rehab. and jail I love you Donatella thank you.

for being where is Donatella she's in. the bathroom all right I get when she. gets out til I tell her I love her Tommy. you're so beautiful inside and out you. are not only a person that I know but. you're someone that I really truly. understand the first time we saw movie. together Harry Potter I remember how we. said it was overrated and we didn't. really understand it and then you. explained to me that we had actually. seen the third every Potter we should.

have saw the first two Harry Potter's. first then we went and saw the first two. Harry Potter's with each other and now. Harry Potter is the most favorite thing. we've ever seen ever because I you're my. magic baby. we don't have Dumbledore but we got each. other our honeymoon will be at Harry. Potter world and we will stay at the. Safari Inn where they will pick us up in. a van there will be a fat man on it roof.

yelling you will say that you think you. know him and that you did cope with him. in your town and he's the comedian we. will then ask him for free tickets to. his show at The Comedy Store. so I just want to say Tommy I absolutely. love you I want to thank my mother my. mother you've at you're everything to me. you show me what it's like to be a bad. [ __ ] who drinks Long Island iced teas. who doesn't take any shared who shows up.

for work when she wants who quit. cigarettes and yet still smokes who. knows how to carry herself in the. community as the woman you told me how. to be a woman mommy I'm gonna cry. I just love everybody so much thank you. for sharing a special day you know so I. get I love weddings I love them. Long Island weddings are the best. wedding because they're two people two. criminals two demons two monsters two.

things that crawled out of a swamp of. coffee creamer and bacon egg and cheese. with ketchup and buffalo calamari and. beer farts in Long Island iced teas and. excuses and the dog ate my homework and. I failed out of Oneonta two absolute. pieces of the puzzle that unites and and. start the process of living a horrible. life and ruining this world just a. little bit just a little bit in the ways. that they can being a little rude or a.

little dirtier they make the world a. little less understanding Oh enough I. had a real rally there but I mean though. there's nothing better than a Long. Island wedding it's something that's. great there's real characters there what. are those two people dressed up like Ben. I love like the adults that are dressed. up in the in - they're both Pikachu's. they're both Pikachu's they got those.

costumes at [ __ ] CVS sad what were. some of your Halloween costumes I was a. pumpkin a skeleton. SuperMario I think that was the last. time I dressed up I was Super Mario a. little bit of a basic [ __ ] with the. costumes nothing wrong with that well. you at will you ever like wanted we ever. tried to be a scary thing. no I never did I wasn't into scary stuff. I was into like video games and stuff so.

I just dressed up like Super Mario or I. think I did Yoshi oh I did Simba one. year. what Simba from The Lion King okay how. old were you I start dressing up at like. 11 so I think I was Simba when I was. five okay so I did I didn't when did you. stop dressing up did you start dressing. up in high school or yeah I didn't. really dress up past eighth grade yeah. eighth grade was a year I went out and. threw eggs I think seventh grade I might. have wore masks. cuz you edged out of the costume into.

the mask yeah you go from the costume to. the mask and then some people get into. the costumes again or get real creative. or whatever you know yeah um but seventh. grade is the year of like I'm gonna wear. a mask of a badass but you still like. candy you know you still want candy and. uh and then and then eighth grade is. kind of the year and then high school. you know some people have parties but. then high school Halloween I'm trying to.

remember I think they were just oh [ __ ]. you know high school had a Halloween. like I can't remember one year I think I. went out with a bunch of kids we would. like to in similar [ __ ] me and my. friends in eleventh grade used to my. friend had a house in Rockville Center. and we used to throw fruit off which is. very dangerous to throw like fruit at. cars. there was like police and violet was.

very bad it was crazy. like we threw whole fruit at cars. because we thought it was funny uh and. we were in 11th grade we're like adults. and we thought it was funny to just Pelt. passing cars with fruit and you know. they would get mad they would stop their. car there bang on my friend's door and. they would be like hey a [ __ ] I just. got nailed. like what the [ __ ] did like oranges and.

just yeah whatever. you know people get pissed off at that. but this was like one of my one of your. your friends that you have where you're. like oh this kid's got a bigger house. than me. it's fun to hang out with uhm he's a fun. kid his name is Ryan still he's so full. of fun kid but like he would do crazy. [ __ ] he was really into pranks he was. really like so what they just loved it. they just love throwing like I didn't. give that much of a [ __ ] about pranks.

but you just do what other people do to. fit in okay tech kids if you're. listening the biggest mistake you could. do is is march to the beat of your own. drum if someone else is doing something. even if it's dangerous just do it it's. the way the world works. that's how we get people to go to war so. my point is and if you tell me that you. shouldn't do bad stuff that other people. are doing don't ever tell me then how. are you gonna support the troops I think.

that's pretty much the logic of that. well why are we all doing this thing. shut up and do it are these people. guilty of anything. shut up we're doing it okay I'm kidding. I know that there's more going on there. than that but III can't unpack it now. it's not the time it's not the time. always for discourse in geopolitics not. the time Safari n but sometimes you make. a friend you just got to do what they do. and this kid loved throwing eggs one.

time me and him our other friend Tim who. passed away from drug overdose who's a. great kid very funny kid insanely funny. some of the first times I ever got drunk. were with this kid we would just show up. to his house hammered his mother would. be like what the [ __ ] is wrong with both. of you you're drunk. and he would be like you'd be like they. already took our fake IDs mom and she. would be like excuse me he's like we. were already caught this is overkill now.

what you're doing is overkill and she. would just lose her mind and we would. feel that laughing he'd be like they. took our IDs. Gillian's mom which was like a Gillian's. was like I'm trying to think of the. plates like uh dave & buster's yeah. Long Island he's the gay took our IDs at. Gillian's cuz real IDs from Boston. College and they said then the guy said. he went to Boston College what dorm did. you staying in Tim said the Kennedy dorm. like an idiot I'm like maybe there is a.

Kennedy doorman Tim's like but they just. knew that we were fighting his name is. Tim too and we also had a lot of fun my. friend Jerry Ann would pick us up a lot. and drive us places and she would be. like I don't know if we should do this. and Tim would just look Tim would look. at her go will you shut up like she just. drove 45 minutes to pick us up she's. like I don't know I think I had to be. home early he'd go hey shut up that's. the funniest thing ever the funniest. thing ever is to look at someone who's. genuinely like trying to have a moment.

with you go hey shut up it was great he. did all that we let I mean made me laugh. so much and we one day we just bought. like three dozen eggs. there was a Bally's in his town cope egg. and and and the Bally's had a huge. window and the window was from floor to. ceiling and you saw all these people. like on the ellipticals or on treadmills. or whatever lifting weights uh we said. wouldn't it be funny if we just started. pelting the window of this Bally's with.

eggs and we did it and no one cared like. no one really we'd like did in a bunch. people like barely noticing I was like. that we just ran away. we was just dumb things to do we're in. eleventh grade and have a lot to do you. know we threw things at people and then. we got into drinking and they were like. oh this is more fun that and there was. like a divide in our group because one. of the kids was like clearly not ready. to start drinking and doing other stuff.

and he just still wanted to throw fruit. at things we're like dude we can't do. that forever like we have to sneak into. bars get drunk we have to throw up we. have to make out with checks like that I. remember one day we snuck into this bar. and it's not getting meaning that we had. fake IDs we were not you know we. wouldn't sneak in we're let in there are. these bars by Hofstra College in Long. Island and they're all underage and a. lot of. school people would go there literally. it's children it's like we open the door.

and it's just like toddlers hammered. like dancing around and they get shut. down like all the time and they just pay. a lot of money for a fine and they. reopen his like another names they. reopen and there was one called Bogaerts. Bogaerts was this bar Club was a club we. would go in and do shots and I remember. I was like dancing with this girl one. less short hair she was like probably. like some like older Daiki or chick but. she was kind of hot and my friends older. brother just whispered in my ear as a. dance he was there he's like you're the. [ __ ] man and I was just like yeah I. felt so cool he was like you're the.

[ __ ] man I was just dancing with this. like shorten it lesbian then we started. making out which was fine I didn't care. cuz I was like hammered and it looked. cool in front of your friends you know. it was just funny that we all got in the. car and then we had to pull over on the. way home we're all just vomiting and. what was funny is like when your. friend's parents didn't care like when. you get home and the mom would always be. like this is enough and the daddy be. like keep being kids they're just having. fun will you relax. and you know listen we're all successful.

in our own right we're all fine I do. miss Tim who passed away he was a. [ __ ] very truly funny kid oh he's a. hot girlfriend always he was a surfer. skater kid always at a hot girlfriend. very very hot girlfriend and he was just. a very funny guy and that was one of my. favorite things ever did he would go. will you shut up.

his mom would say something you'd go hey. Shh flip out you shut up like guys we're. walking to the car speak dope now I said. home by 12 you shut up you shut up. please shut up shut up shut up that I'm. I remember uh used to have a block party. was like a truly shitty block party on. his block and it was just like you know. just excuse for people to walk out and. drink in the street and like.

he would always just like his parents. weren't even big drinkers but he would. make them feel like they were huge. drinkers he'd like walk out to the lake. his mom and Daddy be like that you're. gonna have a few more huh that's what. you're all about aren't ya. you're just got are you gonna call out. of work tomorrow you're just gonna what. how many beers you had 18 God we won't. see you for three months apparently what. are you talking about.

they were like good parents like what. are you saying he's like I'm just saying. you know just take a few more and then. just get in the car go for a spin don't. worry it's just the law he's crazy so. funny dude there are those people that. you're blessed with in your life for not. that long who are so [ __ ] genuinely. funny none of whom are comedians that. I've met um but maybe that'll change one. day but it certainly hasn't certainly. hasn't come down the flappy hour are you.

high I walk in and I go listen I she. calls my name for the mic I go I can't. go now. she goes why I said I I'm dressing up. like Jeffrey Epstein's temple and I'm. going to perform as that just like would. I'm like will you just call someone else. to this stage and give me a minute to. put on this box. I'm checking uh where the videos are. with you uh the video is out right now.

hope post Malone retweeted 123 Ben it's. not that bad. I've been using Ridge wallet and I love. it I love it because I've learned how to. really cut down on a lot of crap I have. a few credit cards a debit card I have. my attorneys number just in case you. mean better filming somewhere and they. throw us in jail and take the camera. I love orig wallet I love simplicity. orig wallet is really a good thing try.

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like you know it's metallic it's an. element the carven Ridge is my favorite. what's your favorite Ridge my favorite. Ridge yeah the one I have which was that. this guy right here a pocket wallet. dummy oh I put it in my back on accident. this one it's such a cool color I put it. in the YouTube video you can see the. picture of it it's like blue on the top. and it goes down to the gray I love it. you're like a real mall skank anyway get.

the ridge wallet it is a cool thing. actually I do like it listen I have the. carbon one. I like the carbon one ridge is the. future of wallets they have great. backpacks can people also get the. backpack I think so I have one of the. backpacks I love I love the backpack too. I don't know if people I don't know if. they sell the backpacks I would imagine. they do yeah get the wallet first that's.

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of activity up at the ridge or it sounds. like some what's that dumb show on. Netflix and everybody loves the ranch. the ranch with Ashton Kutcher. the ranch god help us god help this. country is it good I haven't watched it. I don't like it yeah it's a sitcom. that's Sam Elia and Ashton Kutcher and. he's the dad and they're married and. they listen I'll do that I'll do it as. much as I criticize all this [ __ ] I will. be in any of it because there is no God. and we're all gonna burn in hell Ridge.

wallets Ridge comm / Tim 10% off your. order. TI m don't [ __ ] around get the ridge 5 -. what an hour we're at 55 right now yeah. yeah yeah I'm just giving you a time. stamp do six hours I'm deciding beside. he might have to fight the problem with. flying back to New York is that you lose. three hours and I hate [ __ ] up like. my sleep cycle I hate like taking a.

red-eye where I don't sleep in the night. after in the day and then I can't go to. bed at night and I'm [ __ ]. I hate red eyes red eyes driving me. insane I don't like them they make me. paranoid I don't like being on a plane. where everyone's asleep at me I don't. like it so Stan I sometimes leave early. in the morning but then sometimes you. leave so early in the [ __ ] morning. that it's absurd I still may book 2 6 am. flight I don't know I gotta go I gotta. get a dress shirt for this [ __ ]. wedding and I got to get khaki pants or.

like nice pants a dress shirt for the. wedding I actually don't have to do you. know I thought about I'm like I don't. really have to do laundry before I get. back on Sunday I'm just gonna buy an. outfit and wear it sex right yeah I. don't I can just do it on Sunday perfect. I don't have to go crazy I don't have to. go I just have to go to this wedding. where I'm gonna give somebody who makes. millions and millions and millions of. dollars a four hundred dollar gift. certificate to a restaurant and a bottle. of wine that I'm splitting with another. it's a group it's a group gift okay but.

that's the way it is you gotta you gotta. act appropriately they say in a Long. Island wedding this is upstate. Westchester these people know how to act. this is gonna be nice I'm expecting some. good food. it's very nice food you know I mean. that's the situation you got a wedding. coming up that'll be have you guys done. any planning for it or you just it's. kind of yeah we we have the venue and.

everything but we're working on. everything else right yeah you could. have a DJ you gonna have a band I'm not. sure yet you want me to get post Malone. he's good man he's talented I like him. what are you saying I like him like I. don't like I like him too. he's good want me to get Billy yeah can. you get Billy to come to my wedding I'm. a bad guy do-do-do-do-do-do-do people in.

Long Island are so out of it they. wouldn't even know she is who's this. girl. oh this Sox put on y'all. where's Nelly they're like like 13 years. behind popular culture like Nelly. [Laughter]. where's Kanye West we love God they love. Kanye now she's talking about Trump in. Jesus nice it's a real it's a really.

interesting thing watching people commit. their lives to each other is an amazing. thing I have friends with children. that's an amazing thing I encourage. people to do that to have children to. get married I think that's the way to do. it I think those experiences matter and. I think that we kind of devalue those. experiences and we tell everybody to. follow their like passion or their dream. knowing full well that most people don't. have a dream they're they have dreams at.

night but they don't really have a. passion and a few people that have the. passion don't really have the work ethic. or the ability to do anything with it. so we've had this massive switch in. society where we're now just telling. everybody that they shouldn't have like. a stable career they should have an. exciting one and they should just be. excited because that's what Gary found. your Chuck said Gary Vee told me to be. excited every day and you know and. listen I get it listen I get that it.

sucks being in a dead-end job I get that. you want to push yourself and you want. to you want to do something that you. love good you should you should do that. but the lack of honesty in society about. what that takes I don't feel like I. don't feel like it's ever been higher or. like it's at a fever pitch now the. dishonesty and the lying to children. about what it takes to follow a dream or.

a passion we're completely denying. reality and we're telling children to. follow your heart follow your dreams and. being and that's why we have a. generation of people that are completely. unprepared when the door is shut in. their face continually and repeatedly. and they can't handle rejection and then. they flip out and they don't know why. they were rejected and they start saying.

well it's society it's this it's not. it's these barriers it was a it's the. way it is it's the rule and not the. exception that people gonna tell you to. [ __ ] yourself over and over again we. seem to leave that out all the stories. seem to leave that out you know every. [ __ ] Rudy esque movie and it's about. somebody that dumb movie whiplash or. miles tellers that gets in a car. accident then he's just beating the drum. you know that's that's you know is that.

what you want to be I'll just tell you. there's there's never been a time that I. feel like there's more of a disconnect. between the reality of what that process. is doing something on your own and the. idea of what that process is. and how you know glorified that process.

is by people that tend to make money off. their commodifying your hopes and dreams. and they're making money telling you to. follow your dreams and they don't have a. goddamn clue what your hopes and dreams. are your hopes and dreams might be an. ethnos state they might be another. epstein island who knows but these. people are just here to tell you to just.

go and do it just do it and get it done. [ __ ] it up it's your time to crush it. maybe maybe it is maybe they it's a. mixed bag. that's a Tim Dylan motivational course. you can follow your dreams but baby it's. a mixed bag and I'm telling you that as. somebody who things are working out it's. a mixed bag you got to make a few. sacrifices you got it like you know it's.

not always gonna be what you think it's. gonna be and you don't you know you have. to kind of put a few things on the back. burner to do what you want to do and. nobody tells you that everybody tells. you have fun it's gonna be it's just you. know go get the glory bro it's gonna be. great you know it's not necessarily. great there's a lot of people I know. that got stable jobs that are very happy. with stable jobs and insurance and. they're able to have things on the side.

and they don't need to earn money doing. the thing they love they can just simply. do the thing they love that's it that we. don't talk about that anymore in society. it's all or nothing in this society so. are nothing we don't like any moderation. so it's like go all the way or [ __ ] you. it's like that's not always the case. there's a lot of people that have. hobbies that are a great part of their. life that they don't need to earn money. doing you know most people do in comedy.

it's a hobby for them they don't know. that it's a hobby because they're insane. but it's. hoppy they earn no money doing it here. comes the fire here comes the fire. trucks that nobody lets pass now it's an. ambulance. I was driving today and Oh God. here we go they go so slow these [ __ ]. people rush is supposed to be saving. somebody's life but it's somebody got an. eggshell in their eye but you know I was.

driving today up in through Beverly. Hills and then like the fire trucks were. coming behind us these people don't even. want to let the fire guy they don't want. to even let the fire truck through you. know cuz they're late they're late for. table read from mom they want to hear. they want to do that when they need to. be at their table read for the new show. mom about a zany mommy. she's the zany mommy how about a show. called Nazi mom where Mama's red pills.

wouldn't that be a great show Mama's red. pill and the family now has to deal with. it and the dad is like what's going on. everybody thinks it's always like men. that are red pill what if mom has red. pills and everybody's trying to pull her. back and she's drifting further and. further. does that not excite anyone that excites. the [ __ ] out of me that excites the [ __ ]. out I never really wanted to be in a.

writers room I'll tell you right now if. if they do a show called red pill mom I. will write for that show you know we're. like the family sits down for dinner. okay. and she's just sitting there and she. serves everyone like roasted chicken or. maybe like salmon gravlax you know and. they're like why are we eating this and.

she's like well you don't really know. much about your Nordic heritage but I. think we should start talking a little. more about who we are and where we come. from it starts like that like if people. are like okay like that's fine right and. then progressively through the first. episode she starts letting like letting. you in on the fact that she's a little. based as the kids say as the new. generation of children say it's gonna be. a fun world in 20 years I'll tell you. that much.

if the kids are any clue it's gonna be a. fun world you may want the corporations. in 20 years you may be begging for chase. back you might be like remember when it. was just Citibank that we had to contend. with and not bands of marauding. Psychopaths that are armed to the teeth. I don't know if that's the case but it. certainly doesn't seem that thank God no. one leaves their home that's the only. thing that we all we all can really just.

[ __ ] in the fact and the and the and the. comfort that nobody really unless they. have to. leaves their home we've created such a. life for ourselves online that we would. never be able to produce an actual life. online everyone's a hero and everyone's. this and that and in real life. everyone's just online at Dunkin Donuts. and disgusting but online everybody's.

making positive changes their lives it's. a real it's a it's one motivational. poster online everyone's like an eagle. with the wings spread everyone's like. soar I'm soaring I'm I'm destroying. people I'm clapping back at the. president I'm [ __ ] on the president. I'm giving celebrities a piece of my. mind and then when you walk out of your. house what do you do you go to. McDonald's and you get a cheeseburger.

and then you eat it in your car and you. cry and then you go back in and you're. like I'm gonna tell Alyssa Milano to. [ __ ] off and good cuz I don't like her. but that's what it is. so whenever whenever I think things are. gonna get too bad I realize that we are. blessed with the fact that but you know. who knows that'll eventually run out I'm. sure and as things get worse people.

might you know people might venture. outside. I don't know may happen may not I just. want to go I just want to go to as many. weddings before that day happens I just. want to go to weddings that's all I want. to do man let's just go to weddings. somebody did somebody was oj oj simpson. did a Halloween thing I love him can we.

forgive him can we let him back in like. can he come back now he paid his due he. killed his wife and a waiter and but. look at all the good things he's done. like I'm sick of this cancel culture not. taking into account the full person and. that's what I think Oh Jay is a real I.

view him as a the first casualty of. canceled culture really we canceled him. we didn't take stock and he was like. great athlete a lot of good films fun. guy you know and he's cancelled people. got mad at Michael che for making a joke. on SNL this is the black portion of the. show I just go over black issues I'm. kidding but I just as I transitioned I. realized that that sounded crazy I just.

don't have more to I don't really have a. lot more to say on OJ I well I say some. stuff about I have a whole bit about how. Jays the only motivational speaker that. anyone should listen to Oh Jane Trump. they both exemplify America but che said. something about Bruce Jenner he said. there was a fella named Bruce Jenner and. people said that's dead naming a trans. woman because Caitlyn is now Caitlyn and. my whole thing is well he said was there. was a fellow named he didn't say Caitlyn. was Bruce he said there was like past.

tense which there was Bruce Jenner. existed he got married he had children. he won Olympic gold medals I mean to say. that Bruce Jenner was never Bruce Jenner. you could say that he didn't feel like. Bruce Jenner okay you can't say he. wasn't ever the thing but I think people. and then some people are like oh it was. just a cheap shot but you might have. been SNL's trash chase really funny but. Nelson ELLs garbage just not good and I. defended SNL I defended it to open mic.

or [ __ ] on it and I feel bad that I. do that because the people who often. [ __ ] on SNL are often unemployable. vagrants who live on floors and borrowed. drugs so they are like [ __ ] on a. thing that they could be if somebody. gave them a job that they couldn't do it. because they would have to shower and. leave their apartment and arrive by like. 9:00 like that would never happen never. hopped a couldn't even do it but but. they blame all it but SNL does here's.

where those human you know like human. garbage people are right is that the. show is not good it's not funny. it has funny moments it's an hour and a. half it doesn't have as many funny. moments as a chart but like everything. else has passed its prime you know this. guy wrote us a thing about Peter Lugar's. and it all is it's still good it's all. old it's over it's got nothing to prove. anymore the heyday is it's already in.

the history books nothing matters Peter. Lugar's is well past its prime it's well. past any type of the market isn't. checking Peter lubbers gonna be full no. matter what you say about it as Sanel is. just gonna be the show on 11:30. Saturdays on NBC really no matter what. happens until until they decide that. it's not gonna be that's what it is I. mean things get so big they become its.

mythos Peter Lugar's has you know things. like that they just coast along you know. not being particularly impressive for a. while and then having hits here and. there Lugar's are certainly still a. great restaurant and SNL could still put. out a funny sketch but it doesn't mean. that on the whole on average these are. institutions that are well past their. prime and I'm always amazed that. everybody's shocked that it you know 150.

year old Steakhouse. or a show that's been on 40 or 50 years. is no longer hitting like it used to be. yeah The Simpsons not hitting like he. used to be. get over it your childhood is over your. childhood is done we're moving on to. other things. stop remaking mad about you what the. [ __ ] is that you know they're gonna ruin. if I thought they weren't gonna ruin. we're you know nine one one would love. to see him get remade because I loved. that show I guarantee they'll ruin it.

they're gonna ruin it they're gonna. introduce it to a whole new generation. of people as something that is much. shittier than the [ __ ] irreverent. hilarious thing that it was back when no. one gave a [ __ ] you know I you know talk. about political correctness I flat. myself it's so funny so some of the. Halloween decorations in Burbank and. some of them were a little weird there. were skeletons being lynched on the. trees and I just say to myself I go you. know me guys I'm not an SJ Dubbs but you.

start seeing the skeletons being lynched. you go you know do we need that do we. need the lynched skeletons from the tree. now I know that lynching you know. lynching as a racial component. historically in this country no but. those white people that will it yet and. I know that I'm just saying do we need. it do we need the lynched skeletons for.

the Halloween display for the children. you got two year olds and Buzz Lightyear. costumes pointing at these things what's. that oh that's a way to kill someone. where we hang them and we cut off the. flow there and a lot of times their neck. is broken before they can even die of. strangulation. anyway go and get your peanut butter cup. okay pal. oh no if we need that it was also like.

there was one that was clearly an ode to. like what's the one was at Michael Myers. what's the one with the summer camp that. happens at the summer camp. Friday the 13th so there was clearly no. to that yeah they're all the same to me. it's there's Freddy Krueger there's. named Aaron Allen Street that is Friday. the 13th. than Jason it's all thing it blends. together in my head you know mm-hmm you. know I love all that stuff but I'm not. an aficionado I prefer horror movies. like um like things that I've seen that.

have like you know Jacob's Ladder with. Tim Robbins which was a good one. things like cabin in the woods that were. fun you know Joss Whedon made you know. before he you know join the Lilith Fair. or whatever he thinks yeah that guy the. hell's going on here you got his wife. cancel them got Cannes was it cheating. on his wife he's that Kuwait you know. you don't know I love these guys it. could that get caught in and move like. further to the left when they were to. the left it's like no you got to go. right now.

you got a shimmy ride shimmy ride Shem. who ride. you gotta get red pills you can't you. can't dance further to the left like. these guys these guys like they get. caught cheating on their wife and. they're like well I'm not binary now. it's like no way no no no no no no hold. on but that was a fun movie that was I. like a house of a thousand Corpses Rob. Zombie Devil's Reed Jack's I like stuff. that's a little campy a little funny it. has elements of fun in it but I love all.

the old [ __ ] - you know hostel was fun. the ring was great. Jenny Slade's new special a lot of these. things are in and of themselves kidding. it's it's phenomenal you know. everything's great everything's great. the comedy press has lost their minds. now they've collectively lost their. minds where I can't even get mad at them. anymore. they should be put in a padded room.

people writing about comedy right now. should be put in a padded room and and. have all sharp objects and shoe laces. taken away from them they are a danger. to themselves and others they are no. longer rational beings that should be. able to plan their own day they need to. be in an institution - sweet immediately. making comedy lists with people. comedy in five years who are homeless.

and they're going to use people or the. comedians that you're gonna know. alright BAE by the way being on one of. those lists is a curse I know I've seen. people that have been on those industry. lists three years later they like. wandering around the streets of Los. Angeles. yeah like like they can't find their way. home so good luck and there's some. people that are funny to get on the list. but by and large every special review. every list right now is being made by.

people who are mentally unwell. the only comics they like are comics. that they think would invite them to a. party. ie losers the only comics they like are. comics that don't remind them of the. people who rightfully used to spit in. their faces during homeroom I'm really. going off today you know it's so good. the airs are crisp and I feel very I. feel very good but but what I mean is.

and I don't want to sound too drastic or. too extreme I believe the police should. arrest the people that are reviewing. comedy right now they should arrest them. in the middle of the night and take them. away from their families and interrogate. them with any as to why they find. certain things funny they should be. interrogating they should be under a hot. light and they should be forced to watch. this special and [ __ ] admit or at.

least have reasoning for why you found. this funny whatever special happens to. be. I've got no beef with Jenny slain it's. just that was this special that. everybody said is the greatest thing. that's ever happened and I watched it. listen she's clearly talented it really. wasn't for me that's okay I'm probably. not for her but the praise that is. leveled on people clearly has nothing to. do with the actual thing anymore it's. completely divorced from what the thing. is it just doesn't matter it's not that.

specific special it's really all of them. it's anything that's anything that. anybody's [ __ ] doing right now it's a. state and everybody's I'm making my. reviews a statement. it's it deserves nothing to do with the. actual thing did anybody's watching. nobody was mad about your pals special. it wasn't real these people turned it. into something that wasn't real okay. nobody thought Nanette was the greatest. thing in the world they turned it into.

that no one not a one not a person on. earth was like this was the greatest. comedies but they might have thought it. was a meaningful piece of art but there. was not one people were trying to say it. is funny [ __ ] you you don't know what. it's like so my point is that the people. writing about comedy right now you know. and you know Jason cinnamon and the. times can write some good articles meg.

rided vulture occasionally do something. that isn't completely insane sometimes. half accidentally Jesse David Fox is a. lunatic over whatever the [ __ ] he writes. for decider vulture whatever pretend. thing I'm just saying I'm not a little. I'm saying that these people should be. in jail do you understand what I'm. saying I can take criticism but I'm. saying it should be leveled at me from.

bars that they are currently behind. that's that's my only point is that they. are not they're looking to kick up to us. and start trouble and stir the pot they. are not having real reactions to. people's comedy or art and they haven't. been for a while they are only trying to. start shed and the only comedy they like. is comedy done by people that they feel.

crawl on their floor every night and a. ball of anxiety like these [ __ ] do. apparently and that's the type of comedy. that they like you know I have anxiety. to folks and a lot of my friends do too. I think Oh mass as anxiety you know but. the reality is they like one type of. comedy they think one type of car I mean. they write off skank fast as like this. [ __ ] it had the best comedians of the. last century their dummy. the exception of certainly some people. Louie Bill burr Bobby Kelly Bonnie.

McFarlane yamaneika saunders rich vos um. [ __ ] Ron Bennington a legendary. broadcaster Dan Soder Marc Norman. Michael che. you know like Michelle wolf three years. ago they had like these are great cop. like you're writing it off is like this. alright thing is nothing to do with that. there's nothing to do it that were you. there were any of them there know that.

no research no homework done nothing. they have no first-hand sources or. experience they source their articles. from other garbage that other people. tweet and Ryan but these people don't. contact anyone I've been contacted once. or twice by the New York Times guy and. he's actually he'd might do some due. diligence on some articles and I do. appreciate that but these people that. write about comedy should contact me.

every week and I should write their. reviews for them I should go straight. every review that's what I'm saying I. should they should check in with me. every day hi Tim how are you what are. our orders. what should we do and then I give them. their orders I tell you what we're doing. this week that's what should happen. email me I write you your article or you.

go to jail I don't feel like I'm being. unreasonable. [Laughter]. everybody's on Twitter trying to get. some goddamn attack these people you. know some people tell me they like the. videos and then they don't retweet them. I mean I'm gonna start asking people. let's say I like the videos I'm gonna. start looking at them straight in the. face dead in the face uncle can I ask. you why don't you retweet them are you a. coward is it moral cowardice what is it.

is it that you don't feel like I do. enough for you. what do we. right now our 22 yeah we're gonna start. to wrap this out because we're after. then we'll record some algae some ads on. the road and we'll we'll we'll get this. baby to where it needs to be I wanted to. talk about a few more things it's been a. real uneventful Halloween I mean we made. a fun video we worked very hard on that. drove you know in LA people don't. realize you can only shoot because the.

Sun trenches everything out it's very. hard to shoot you gotta shoot early. morning or like you know sunset time for. you know between five and six and to get. anywhere in the city is an hour and a. half an hour long traffic parkings a. [ __ ] I mean it is you know I love doing. it we have a lot of fun doing it but. it's actually it is a process it's not. nearly as easy to make things you know. when we're in Ben's garage it's a little. different but when we're going out and.

actually doing something like this where. we got to go to several different. locations it's actually quite different. you know and it's kind of an interesting. it's very interesting to to do it and. then imagine that people do things like. that with a huge budget and they're out. there with so many professionals and so. many cameras and assistants and a huge. budget and they don't manage to ever do.

anything funny even by accident and. you're like that's so shocking to me. that you people are so like divorced. from what is actually good that you have. all these resources at your disposal and. everything you do is [ __ ] over and over. and over again I it's like amazing to me. but that's the name of the game what it. is folks.

you just gotta bury your head in in a. trough of [ __ ] for as long as you can. hopefully somebody taps you on the. shoulder one day and says hey hey it's. gonna be good you're gonna be okay keep. making those lists a third of the. comedians that you're gonna know. yeah is that it that the way it is okay.

but if we don't know them in a year. the penalty for writing that article. should be death you should be put to. death because clearly there are no. consequences and the lack of. consequences are not good for anyone. you pseudo-intellectuals running around. there I I should be writing all of the. articles about comedy that's it that's.

my offer and I'm offering anyone out. there some of them listen please I will. never take credit I will let you have. the credit and I will write the article. here's my first article here's my first. pitch okay okay the first call pitch is. called ten comedians who should be. killed in their homes and we write about.

ten comedians who we make a list we go. from people who you wouldn't be upset if. they were killed in their homes two. people who should be killed in their. homes and that's the list and we do a. small paragraph on each picture to your. editors you know I mean here's another.

article okay here's another article what. would you rather do watch The Tonight. Show or your mother get raped think. about it. beginning to end no commercials. beginning to end okay. and the guest is someone where Jimmy. can't really understand them because of. their quirky accent beginning to end.

what what did you say Oh. or just a good old-fashioned rape of. your mother these are the thoughts these. are the questions these are the articles. it should be written these are the. talking points these are the issues of. the day. um we've had a lot of fun we're gonna. wrap it up we've had a lot of fun here.

tonight folks I know that you want a. visual aid I we're gonna get back into. that studio but right now we've been all. over the place and because we're doing. these videos and because you know it's. getting a little colder out in LA it's a. little hard to be on that porch every. every time we're gonna still we'll get a. few more in and then we're gonna get. we're gonna go grab a studio and do it. like grown-ups because we can't sit out. on the porch your [ __ ] February and. we're not gonna sit there in the middle.

of the day cuz the sun's gonna [ __ ] up. everything and you know you're not gonna. you're gonna barely see us so you know. we're gonna have Devin on again soon. everybody's running around we do. appreciate everybody that listens to the. show that tells their friends about the. show it donates to the patreon or they. you know just shares things on Instagram. and Twitter we do appreciate that you. know you guys are the ones that. determine who gets attention or what. what you know whose content gets gets. looked at [ __ ] everybody who's writing. about anything doesn't matter you guys.

are the ones that matter so if you enjoy. what we do um you know keep keep keep. trying to share as much of it as you can. and you know we do appreciate it we're. gonna try to do cooler funnier stuff and. we're gonna try to keep getting better. we've got guests that are coming up on. on a lot of patreon episodes that I. think people are gonna dig and we're. gonna continue to have fun so let's you.

know let's we'll arm ourselves let's get. ready I'm kidding but no let's um you. know let's really just here's a guy. driving by with a perfect ending guy. driving down the street. seemingly all of his possessions are on. the back of a bicycle I bet ya two years. ago he was on a list of comics that you.

were gonna know you were gonna know him. you know nobody should have any. confidence people people in this. business should open the door every day. crack it open like there's someone there. coming to kill them. and that's the only way to truly advance. her like to truly appreciate how fragile. everyone's position is and how insane. this whole entire thing isn't how crazy. it all is and this boolean confidence. that people have is disgusting be.

confident what you put out but don't. become you know this [ __ ] person like. you're a comedian you're supposed to be. making people laugh you're not a rock. star you're not a rapper calm down you. know enough cut it out your tongue tip. you love comedy calm for all your the. dates I'll be over cry sure a bunch this. week and then I'll be back in LA I will.

be in Fort Worth Texas at hyena's the 14. to the 16th of November I will then be. at the Vermont comedy club the 20th. through the 23rd in Burlington the 5th. through the 7th I'll be at the stress. factory in Connecticut Bridgeport. Connecticut and then I believe the. comedy connection of Providence Rhode. Island the 14 to the 15th. yeah 13th and 14th 13th or 14th comedy. connection in Providence Rhode Island.

January I'm gonna be at Magoo bees what. dates Magoo B January 9 through Saturday. the 11th January 9th a Saturday the 11th. Mugu bees in Baltimore Maryland timonium. ammonium yes Mon iam actually zany's in. Chicago I'm gonna be that there from. February 3rd through the 8th fifth of. the eighth fifth through the 8th and. then I just confirmed it all for today. I'm gonna be up in Toronto and the. Toronto dates it's a theater up there in.

Toronto and it's going to be. it's gonna be a lot of fun February 14th. February 15th in Toronto then March 4th. Caroline's on Broadway New York City. first weekend headline and Caroline's. huge deal if you're in the New York area. and you could get down there it's gonna. be a great show I have a lot of fun I'm. gonna bring out some really fun openers. you guys are gonna dig it so that's all. the live stuff is more live stuff Tim. Jay Dylan di llo n on Instagram and.

Twitter share this [ __ ] if you can we do. appreciate it and you know rate the. podcast review us 5 out 5 stars. leave as a positive review keep telling. your friends about it buy the products. if you need them even if you don't need. them the CBD helps us a lot. helps us if you buy these products you. know give it a shot if you hate it you. hate it give it a shot we're doing a. swipe up on my Instagram for new CBD. company that we're working with check it.

out may be fun to try and all that stuff. does help the show and it helps fund all. the [ __ ] we're trying to do so thank you. very much I appreciate it. goodbye.