162 - Assland

hi I'm Timmy the trashcan and I love. trash candy wrappers they all taste so. good. instead of throwing your trash on the. floor won't you please give it to me. thank you for considering your fellow. patrons good evening everybody. there is no video for this episode I. apologize everybody on YouTube go watch.

to dub. if you don't want to listen if you don't. want to watch I apologize I got to go to. Raleigh North Carolina tomorrow I got to. fly out at 10:00 a.m. at LAX I had a set. tonight at the Comedy Store it was a lot. of fun there was a woman in the crowd. and I said hey and I do a joke about. being sober I said how long have you. been sober she goes five months I said. why did you get sober and she goes well.

I put myself in a wheelchair. so that brought the mood down. considerably quite a bit but I am an. expert at what I do I brought it right. back up we had a hell of a good [ __ ]. times when the best says I've had in LA. probably the best that I had at the. store but the result of that is it is. now what time is it been 1246 a it's. 1240 6 a.m. this is when we do our best. work ok it's 12:40 6 a.m. we can't sit.

on the porch at 1:00 a.m. and scream and. yell on the porch ok because been as. neighbors and and they think they have. jobs these people which counts they. believe they have jobs they probably go. somewhere and do something you know. Ben's out Ben's not in LA so these. people actually might have jobs this is. not you know we're not in there one.

other part of Hollywood where people are. really delusional we're out here with. real people real families you know. losers. pretty much. people just you know I was trying to. talk [ __ ] with a friend today and they. didn't hate the right people so many. people don't even know who to hate. especially people that are bitter and. resentful which is many of the people I. know but they don't even hate the right.

people they don't even know who to hate. and you got to tell them like you're. wasting your time hating these people. hate these people I'm not telling you. like I was in a meeting today with my. agents in LA and I'm sitting there and I. was complaining them I go you know it's. kind of depressing for comedy fans. people that enjoy comedy with the.

climate right now because we see a lot. of stuff out there whether it's late. night TV whether it's political talk. shows that we don't find funny like if. you're a fan of comedy you don't find it. funny and they're like you know one of. my agents was like well we could point. out the deficit in the market or we. could speak to the deficit of money said. okay yeah. I want to speak to the deficit in the. market would any of the accounting.

departments that the networks like to. speak to me would they like to speak to. me and we could all talk. yeah I'm fully prepared to speak to the. deficit in the market along with. thousands of other funny people who get. told to go [ __ ] themselves all the time. constantly well no we don't want to just. point it out we're here to work we've. showed up to work we're here we're ready. to go. you know do you am I telling these.

people to go [ __ ] off now it's just. nobody has any guts nobody has any balls. and yet maybe you're listening to this. you're like dude those are really affect. me oh shut up cares. it's your entertainment - that sucks out. there. that's milquetoast crap that's garbage. you know you got to sit through this.

[ __ ] and you don't really and you don't. you turn it off and you come listen to. things like this you watch it and that's. good I'm happy about that. this shows grown tremendously I'm happy. that people are contributing to the. patreon we're still making funny videos. we're pushing the envelope we're trying. to get people to laugh at [ __ ] up [ __ ]. to bring attention to [ __ ] you know. we're you know we're trying to make. satire about things that are actually. happening okay I didn't watch SNL I.

don't know if that's not even tried to. do Epstein. I don't know so maybe I'm wrong about. that I maybe they did I mean you know I. don't know and I don't want to I don't. want to say that they didn't and then. have somebody you know but I would. imagine that their take was not my take. I'll guarantee you that I guarantee that. they didn't do what we did but we're. trying to satirize the world as it. exists you know and it's very tough to.

do that and I was sitting in the room my. agent he goes he goes can I give you a. bad idea can I give you a bad idea and I. looked at him and I said I would be. shocked and saddened if you didn't god I. would be surprised if a few bad ideas. did not leave you know and these aren't. bad people these are good people. maybe they listen to this show maybe. they don't who the [ __ ] knows they.

probably know they probably googled me. five minutes before I walk in who's the. fat one again. gay fat bring him in yeah but he was on. a tour bus right okay bring him in maybe. they listen to show they're not bad. people. he runs the gamut over there you got a. kinnor D skeletal nerd and then have. like the bro next to him who's an. unscripted he's a kook I'm the. unscripted guy you know cuz he's not a. fan of reading the good-looking dude you. know nice family I get it everybody.

wants to make money you know but it's. like you know he said to me some one of. them does. you know he's like can I give you bad. idea I'm like sure he's like what if. it's like you doing [ __ ] you're not good. at like it's just you like you find. Michael Phelps and then you know he's. trying to teach you swim and you don't I. mean come on you know and I'm like you. whatever I'll do that get me money to do. that I will do I don't have any.

standards anymore it's all bad the earth. is burning I don't care yes yes I'm in. what about if it was you and like you're. in a tub and we're recreating Whitney. Houston's death yes good. I will recreate celebrity deaths how. about that we'll do that John Belushi. Farley Whitney Houston.

I will recreate celebrity Odie's and. suicides and well that'll be the show I. don't care anymore I can't take any of. it seriously anymore. none of it matters it's all bad they're. likely this you got to work with this. guy he's doing Blake Griffin's new show. on so it's what it is it's gonna be his. bub it'll be like Blake Griffin and like. he like he goes and does stuff with.

celebrities I got listen to me I will do. whatever you want me to do this Blake. Griffin want to throw a basketball up my. face till I start bleeding is that what. we want to do I'll do it. sign me up I don't it does I don't have. to like it anymore I don't have to think. it's good I don't have to enjoy it. whatever you want to this podcast I. enjoy the things I make on my own I. enjoy whatever jobs you have let me know.

what the jobs are the other day is there. a job for janitor in this building can i. push your broom around this building. let's start here. forget the TV [ __ ] forget the. pie-in-the-sky shed can I do anything in. the building is there maintenance work. that needs to be done in the building. currently is air-conditioning. working let's start there maybe let's. not let's not get out and lose our minds. here start talking about Network deals. and just let me know.

you know like did the new show Phoebe. Robinson who's sweet girl I know it's. fine good gets a show on Comedy Central. she's gonna do good do things with. celebrity well folks what what happened. no one wants to see celebrities doing. anything did anyone in any focus group.

answer that question and say I want to. see Nicki Minaj go to the Olive Garden. who are these people. that's why I don't want to live on the. planet with them but are these real is. this a real or are we just shoving this. down people's throats as per usual and. people have no idea and they just come. home from their soul-crushing job and. they take a handful of pills and they. just veg out on the couch and they no. one asks them what they want.

whose idea all these shows which. celebrities do they post Malone and. Jimmy Fallon go to the olive go why why. are they going to the Olive Garden. who are we mocking the people that eat. there the people that we're - sounds. like oh my god have you ever been here. you can see all of gone so much cocaine. I don't know where I am. they've chained me to this desk so I. don't bite someone's tit um you know I'm. just curious out there why this is a.

genre of television comedians what are. we supposed to be doing humanizing the. celebrities we're supposed to be showing. the fun human side of people what is. this you know every. is worse than the idea that came before. and you just sit in these rooms I had a. meeting the other day and you know I got. we went to go to the Soho House and.

these are nice people that you meet with. these none of these are like they're not. bad people I don't know them but they're. they're all just trying to work in this. hell that we've created so it's not it's. not like anybody is like specifically. the problem the problem is everything. and then these guys who have wives and. kids or husband or whatever they have. they got to all work and earn a living.

and I get it okay so none of them are. specifically the issue right a meeting. in this so in the Soho House is like. this private club that has you know LA. and New York and Miami and I think they. have it all over the world and people. pay like five grand a year to just go to. this you know place that's nice-looking. and all these dilettante hang out there. which is like people that think they're. in the entertainment business some of. them are some of them are hanging on. some of them want to be and you know.

that's what it is it's not an elite. private club like the Knickerbocker or. the Metropolitan in New York where they. like plan presidential assassinations. and fun stuff it's not that [ __ ] it's. like this oh-ho-ho it's like coke in the. bathroom Oh movie night you know all. these [ __ ] it's a social club for coked. out you know delusional sociopath. running around LA they want to put them. in a place so I go there I'm talking to. somebody and they go you know yeah you.

know online it seems like everything's. you know really bad and falling apart. but you know in the real world. everything's fine and I'm like did this. is not you've never been in the real. world have you ever taken a vacation to. the real world you're sitting in a. private club when you walk through the. garage to get in here every cars a. Ferrari a Bentley a Rolls Royce a. Maserati these are the richest people on. planet earth the wealthiest most. privileged most frivolous in many cases.

human beings our planet you walk in. these vine stars that kids I recognize. from chasing Cameron that Netflix. documentary. well those young kids is like these. good-looking kids just you know made. fortunes because they they put a bunch. of chicks in a room and they just got on. stage with water bottles and started. throwing water bottles around and. they're all [ __ ] millionaires and. they're just sitting there so Hoskins. they're bored and I'm begging to get a. show on the air I'm begging to work I'm. like i-i've do characters and I uh I.

ride and I podcast and I do stand-up and. like I'm the pig you know like I'm like. I like to have all these talents that's. like unattractive and then it's just the. vine kids that are sitting there like. yeah man just were you doing like. survive dude it's like a vibe you know. yeah I. you don't know what to do anymore you. everything is right you try for an hour. late as these billboards it's like for. your Emmy consideration the darisha the.

for your Emmy considerate what I mean. the who's watching the Emmys the people. in Ohio whose kids are but they've. barricaded themselves in their bathrooms. because their children are trying to get. in and steal the rest of their back. medication and then finally their child. leaves he steals their car and they're. like thank God Jr's gone I can settle in. and watch the Emmys I wonder who will.

get it I hope veep. I hope they who are these people that. are still watching award shows in this. time I put a little literally explain to. me who the people are that are still. emotionally invested in an award show. who's gonna win Best Supporting Actress. the world I mean you'd have to be and I.

know people still watch frivolous [ __ ]. I'm not saying you shouldn't I know we. need escapism but could there be any. like sports is real it's a real. compensate could there be anything less. important then who a bunch of old white. fox. who probably all have frequent flyer. miles from Jeffrey Epstein's plane who. they decided was Best Supporting Actress. this year could anything matter less and. there's all these billboards in LA for.

your Emmy consideration. please remember The Daily Show with. Trevor Noah. remember us for your Emmy kids here. under these billboards our tent cities. of homeless people there's like. dysentery like there's there's diseases. from the Oregon Trail or back because of. the filth because of the absolute out of. filth people have walking around with. cholera yes yellow fever and we're.

talking before you're a me consider a. for your consideration who is. considering this what psychopath is. putting one thought into this I mean. well it's pretty good things are pretty. good here everyone's got a Maserati it's. like I will say this many of you who are. fans of the program know that I have had.

many negative and accurate things to say. about the restaurant swingers in West. Hollywood I do not mind the swingers in. Santa Monica although I believe it is. ridiculous because both swingers. restaurants are these like faux 1950's. like retro diner I don't like I don't. like that I'm not into that this like. nostalgia diner.

I love diners they're an East Coast. thing that's really what they are I mean. there's some cool ones on the west coast. he'd have been around forever fine but. swingers was opened in the 90s and. swingers is on Beverly Boulevard and. like the food at swingers is atrocious. and the service of swingers is. incompetent and rude and but those are. not my biggest issues with swingers. my biggest issue with swingers is that.

they are running a human trafficking. ring out of the West Hollywood location. that is my biggest issue that they are. party to the rape murder and torture of. children now I haven't spoken out about. this before because I didn't have all. the facts now that I've gotten all the. facts I am 100% certain that swingers in. West Hollywood is running a human.

trafficking ring out of their shitty. retro diner okay that people that did go. on seeking arrangement states decide how. much money should be exchanged before. they go eat each other's [ __ ]. they're running a human trafficking ring. what's the evidence okay I'm glad you. asked number one it's in Hollywood.

that's most of the evidence I have but. it ain't nothing okay okay the men us. and we get the menu up band the swingers. menu please cuz they you know I went. there the other day because I have to. keep going there because I live by there. and I went there the other Oh early bird.

special early bird special I wonder what. that means early bird special. interesting. BYO omelet what the hell is it BYO. omelet bind your orphan omelet is that. what BYO stands for bind your orphan so.

they're selling orphans that you get to. tie up well I'm not for that I'm not for. that sorry. call me a square I'm. for the Edwin's posture who the hell is. Edwin someone they [ __ ] to death I'm. telling you folks I went there the other. day and the woman waitress confronted me. about some of the stuff I'd said on the. podcast she didn't do it directly of.

course and by the way I am nice to. servers I tip well stop this [ __ ] that. I'm not nice to start very nice to. servers and he at real servers are in. New York City and they take pride in. their service okay they're not these. people that are throwing avocado toast. at you waiting teeth for their band to. get signed cut it out. I'm very nice to service I always tip. well okay and why do I tip well I know. because without exception all servers. are drug addicts and they take my tip. and they go buy pills and I know that.

it's every single server okay it's. crushing up adderall in the back of that. restaurant and I I don't want to deny. them that opportunity so I tipped them. nice but the problem is the woman was. like she said something to me shake I'm. glad you had your breakfast. I bet glad you got some new material I. mean breakfast and I said haha I said oh. do you listen to Joe because I've heard. about it I say well good I appreciate.

all my listeners okay you know I'd. rather them not run human trafficking. rings out of a diner and I'm not a guy. that would ever be like I don't don't go. on their Yelp don't [ __ ] on them don't. do any of that none of that will fix the. real problem you know what I mean so if. you're gonna take action take real. action you know don't go on Yelp if.

you're gonna if you're gonna do it do it. folks of course I'm kidding this is a. bit but it is a horrific restaurant and. I was accosted there by rude thoughtless. and ignorant waitress who is humorless. losers are always humorless by the way. they can never take a joke. people make jokes about me all the time. whatever blah blah blah I don't care.

doesn't matter but the people that. swingers can't handle the truth okay no. we don't want your tofu meatloaf burn in. hell. no one needs that you [ __ ] sucks and. yeah at this podcast a lot of people. listen to it it's really grown and. they're not thrilled that I've talked. very accurately about their restaurant. and I have an email list I just sent an. email to my whole email is saying please.

do not go to swingers or West Hollywood. I'm currently in a feud with them go to. another restaurant if you need it I will. post other restaurants in the area that. you can go to okay. oh but swimmer's is open 24 hours where. am I gonna get late-night food go to bed. go to bed go to [ __ ] swingers see. swingers it's as hot off the girdle. doesn't say griddle there it says girdle.

what is that and then there's on the. menu it says hot off the girdle and then. under that it looks like there's some is. that Japanese writing yeah I will say if. you look at the menu of swingers first. of all they put Tina turn-on to me get. pina Turner off your goddamn menu the. woman's an icon when the [ __ ] was she in. swingers when the [ __ ] was she eating it. swingers people are full of [ __ ] she's.

not there. the [ __ ] lives in Switzerland you just. takes celebrities and place them all. over your menu sewers in Hollywood shut. up so I mean that's where I'm at with. them I'm not gonna go there anymore I'm. not gonna go I did like their vegan. banana pancakes with chocolate chips I. still may go to the Santa Monica. location because just a blogger that me. and Ben like who sits here every day cuz. he he's basically homeless.

he's a centrist and it's a very hard. time to be a centrist and he basically. just he's withering away. and we bought him food one day didn't we. buy him dinner yeah we about him dinner. we bought him dinner and he got an. attitude he was sad he was upset we. bought him dinners like what did you do. that for cuz you're harmless we're. trying to be nice to you this is why. folks you have to be very careful about. who you do for out there because there's. a lot of people out there they just.

don't want the help you know you just. don't want that so I'm just saying my. personal problem with swingers is that. they are running a human trafficking. ring that's my biggest problem with them. is that they're running a pedophile ring. in West Hollywood that's my biggest. issue a close second would be the. meatloaf is dry and they don't know the. difference between appetizer and entree. they don't know what to bring out when. and they're kind of clueless and you.

know they you know all the chicks there. it's like how many tattoos does one body. need let's be honest how many tattoos is. what can you all stop with the tattoos. they're disgusting they really are I. know that a lot of people that listen to. this probably have tattoos you know fine. and I'm sure sometimes some people they. look good but there's a lot of people. out there well your arm is just covered. in [ __ ] it just looks like you're. covered in [ __ ] that's what it looks. like.

you can barely afford to get good tattoo. and then you got to go get the tattoos. covered up and we're fixed you got to. get them fixed and filled in and you got. to make one tattoo into another tattoo. because it didn't work you didn't have. the money to finish it and it's Blake. hey guys hey how about you cut it out. stop painting yourself find something. else to do okay you're never gonna get. buried in a Jewish cemetery but you know.

who can Jeffrey Epstein years not that. does Jeffy boy he's got no tats. Jeff folks we've talked about it before. many of you are not going to be able to. get out of your current situation unless. you [ __ ] your way out of it okay. got to go lay that pipe with a woman. who's gonna inherit a house that's it. we're not talking about an estate either. we're just talking about a little. split-level in Tempe Arizona.

I don't even even know if they have. split-levels there they probably live in. some you know but those Adobe [ __ ] also. cares a little mother-daughter something. you know her mom left it to her you get. to move in with her that's what you're. gonna do many of you that's your only. hopes your only chance really. okay that's it you're not gonna win big. at the casino you're not gonna finish. your novel and if you do and it's the. greatest thing that's ever been written.

no one won't care so get real learn how. to lay some real pipe and we got to talk. about blue chew because blue chew is all. the same ingredients as Viagra and. Cialis but it's much easier to get they. have doctors online you don't have to go. to a doctor it doesn't have to be. awkward they'll ship it to your house. and discreet packaging it's not gonna be. one of those situations where you feel. bad about not getting hard you know I. know that people get upset about that. too like well III feel self-conscious. about it it's like enough enough why not.

take a drug people don't feel. self-conscious about taking other drugs. they just do it they do it because they. want optimal performance and that's what. you need to have you need optimal. performance okay it's great. the online physician consultation is. free and are these people real doctors. who gives a [ __ ]. it only takes a few minutes to connect. with a blue true calm affiliated. physician if you qualify you get.

prescribed online quickly you don't have. to go anywhere just chew it and do it. visit blue comma get your first order. free dude. what the [ __ ] is wrong with you if you. use promo code that are not promo code. TD you just pay five dollars shipping. that's blue2 com promote Edie and it's. only five dollars shipping why would you. not do this why would you not be a. little harder. you know blue chew is where it's at if. Jeffrey have seen that blue chew I.

guarantee you know. maybe things would have worked out. differently you know maybe not you know. don't get it if you're a pedophile don't. do that the last thing I want on my. conscience there's a bunch of pedophiles. with hard dicks if you're a pedophile. keep your dick soft okay don't be. running around with a big hard dick but.

you know people people people need to. look at sex as a way to get to the next. level in life it's very important okay. you want you want to get out of your. current situation learn how to [ __ ]. really good it's an asset I have friends. that are very good-looking and they [ __ ]. good and they have good lives and it's. not because you're talented or. interesting it's not because they worked. hard it's not because they dedicated.

themselves it's because they [ __ ] good. and some chicks like well I just want to. [ __ ] you you know or if you're gay guy. you could the [ __ ] older hawk I've it. owns a house you know you know I'm out. here trying to change the world with my. comedy because I'm a genius. but the world is not meant for people. like me it's meant for people with hard. dicks people with empty heads people. that are morally bankrupt and I assume.

that those people go very far but you. gotta have a hard dick I'm telling you. that's why Italians always had big dicks. but they're not that smart because God. took a piece of their brain and put it. in their penis. that's why Italians have big dicks but. they're not that intelligent but it's. much better to just have a big hard dick. than to be smart what are you really. getting by being smart in this world. well I mean come on it's almost an. impediment to be quite honest with you.

you gotta really know how to put that. intelligence to use otherwise you're. just some babbling idiot that's smart. there's a [ __ ] if you're smart go to. blue chewed. komm promo code TD $5 shipping into. first-order free try it folks it works I. saw that there's a there's another thing. in Hollywood I've seen there's a. billboard look this up and there's a.

show about songwriters in Hollywood this. is hilarious by the way this is one of. my favorite things there's going to be a. show a show on networks where. songwriters are gonna compete to see. yeah song land I mean but folks folks. song land song land is coming to NBC now. I know my fans all love bring the funny. on NBC because a comedians get to.

disgrace themselves on national. television in front of genius Chrissy. Teigen you know nobody knows comedy. better than Chrissy Teigen. okay John Legend's wife right that's her. credit that's what she's brought to the. table she's married John what else has. she done Chrissy she's just like a. Twitter Queen you know yeah tweets about. avocados good good for her well she.

knows what's funny and what's not right. so she gets to judge you on on and ELISA. there's a very funny people that did. bring the funny oh she's a Sports. Illustrated Sports Illustrated swimsuit. model so she gets it she knows and you. know so she's sitting there and bring. the funny and then funny people I like. and respect have to go out there okay. and they have to get judged by a Sports. Illustrated supports Illustrated. swimsuit model okay I mean god only.

knows what this [ __ ] thinks is funny. who what what does she think is funny. you know. who gives a [ __ ] who are you go right on. that joy look a [ __ ]. who are you you're hot [ __ ] if you look. like me you would be pushing a shopping. cart full of cans into a can exchange. and you'd be putting them in AB oisin. and you'd be getting quarters back.

but instead you're on bring the funny. telling people that have worked their. asses off getting good at something not. just showing up with tents showing up. with tits in the tan people have spent. years in nightclubs and shitty [ __ ]. rooms training and getting good at. something you get to tell them that they. were a little off they were a little off. tonight. okay bring the funny we don't need the.

funny this world does not need more. clowns we don't need the funny the last. thing this country needs is more. goofballs. okay we got a lot we got some deadly. serious issues you know who's the next. goofball bring the funny bring the funny. - Chrissy Teigen and she'll let you know. if you're good or not you know it's the. same thing with what's-her-name on. America's Got Talent. Heidi Klum sitting there telling people.

they suck you know thank God you were. hot huh be a real fun life if you. weren't what what would you be if you. were four foot two what would you be. I'll tell you what you'd be you beating. out back in Tallahassee getting screamed. at by a customer who said they ordered a. bloomin onion 20 minutes ago and you'd. be sweating and you'd be panicked and. you would be like you'd be like I don't.

know I think the kitchen is but I'm. sorry two kitchens backed up and they're. you there be your breath some fat woman. be like [ __ ] but instead you're hot and. you're six feet tall so you get to sit. and tell everyone else they suck that's. what you get to know if I was that hot I. would just I would be hot and I'd be. rich because people [ __ ] you when your. heart and they [ __ ] you with money they. don't even [ __ ] you with their date they. [ __ ] you with money here here come.

houses cars. there you go vacations it's one long. orgasm your whole [ __ ] life but these. people have to sit there and judge. others. you know bring the funny should be. judged by trolls ugly trolls people who. need comedy ugly beasts should judge. that show people that actually give up. but actually listen and need to laugh. okay that show should be judged by.

people who've been to horrendous. personal tragedy that's who the show. should be judged by people 911s too far. away to have lost somebody those people. have probably gotten over it bring the. funny should be judged by people who've. lost someone within the last two months. make them laugh and I mean more than one. per slight a woman her husband this was. an amazing story he was like a hero he.

saved her two daughters and he died in a. Riptide. that woman should be judging bring the. funny okay and she probably sucks too. she'd probably tell me it's too dark. [ __ ] your husband just died you can't. get into this it's too dark. I don't want so song land is now coming. the newest where where the idea by the.

way listen to the music that's out there. know who's writing this who is writing. visa debt does your cat's lyrics up to. juicy let's see what song land is get. doja cat juicy because this is get the. lyrics up these this is the caliber of. songwriter that's it's gonna win the. show. listen ready so the whole show's about. writing songs now go-to song land on NBC.

because we're gonna read these lyrics go. to song land on NBC song land is. American songwriting competition it's it. sets out to give undiscovered. songwriters the chance to create a hit. which I'm sure by the way NBC will then. own okay it gives the viewers a look at. the creative process in action go to the. juicy lyrics the creative process I keep. it juicy juicy. I eat that lunch she keep that booty. booty she keep the. plump the natural beauty beauty yeah.

yeah if you could see it from the front. wait till you see it from the back back. back back back and it's not a bad song. juicy it's a catchy song but what are. you talking about. song right the creative process he liked. the dozier with the cat yeah he liked it. thick he liked it fat yeah what creative. process are you shining a light on NBC.

what are you talking about I keep it. juicy juicy. I eat that lunch she keep that booty. booty she keep that plump what I really. want to see the behind-the-scenes look. at the brilliant songwriters the. lyricists who were able to like come up. with these lyrics. what rhymes ah what rhymes with lunch ah.

plump right well the songs about an ass. right yeah the song is about an ass okay. so we got up so the songs have been an. ass so we just we have to kind of. describe an ass for the whole song right. I mean the chorus is got to talk about. the ass and then you know so we got to. just come up with so we got booty we got.

plump I keep it juicy juicy I eat that. lunch so that's a nice lyric because you. think eat it because we're talking about. an ass so eating an ass eating lunch his. lunch someone's ass that you're reading. or maybe she eats that lunch so she. keeps her ass fat she has that lunch she. goes and she has a lunch she's not. vomiting in the bathroom some bony white. girl ass she's got a nice fat ass. because she eats the lunch go down here.

how long it take to pull and all them n. words want to know how long it takes to. pull my. pants up broke a fingernail and then. some trying to squeeze into my True. Religion denim mm-hmm. celibate don't want to cellulite I don't. buy it with a cellulite I don't even. know this sounds like it was written by. like a speech you know one of those.

things like one of those programs it. takes your words and then spits them out. what I call that speech-to-text it. sounds like it was written by a. speech-to-text thing that like the. malfunction it's like picking up every. third word because this doesn't make. sense it's like baby talk it's like boo. bootie lunch plump celibate cellulite it. what NBC's gonna have a competition show. where people are gonna what do you think.

they're gonna write Dylan's masters of. war what do you think is gonna happen. undiscovered songwriters what. psychopaths are those I want to write a. song like juicy I just want us to write. a song like juicy I gotta keep working. go back to song land for a second I want. to see who's gonna be judging this I'm. sure it'll be people that have no. [ __ ] idea you know judging song land.

Kourtney Kardashian a beagle each. episode producers Ryan Tedder ester dean. and shane mcanally will team up with the. songwriter to create the next big hit to. be recorded by guest performing artists. for seemingly unknown storm riders. audition songs they've written by. singing them live it's enlightening the. CEO song can just change by slowing it. down or speeding it up or moving the.

chorus or emphasizing the beat or. shuffling parts around. interesting song land attempts to rework. the often thankless and grueling job of. thought songwriting the general public. rarely knows who wrote the lyrics or the. music to catch it tech because they're. horrible no one asks who wrote I eat the. lunch here's my fat ass. don't you like my fat ass in your face. no one cares the lyrics don't matter it.

doesn't matter what they're saying they. don't even have to be lyrics she could. just go fat as fat as juicy juicy fat. ass here's my fat ass no one cares I. love that the general public really. knows who wrote the lyrics yeah no one's. riding in their cargo I wonder who wrote. that I eat that lunch I keep it plump oh. I wonder who wrote that yeah there's a.

good reason the show tries to elevate to. judicial role the songwriter in the. process of creating music from. unpleasant secret to being sell to being. a celebrated magic ingredient good luck. good [ __ ] luck. and good for mrs. cat I'm not hating on. her I'm not hating on dosha cat and what. she's been able to accomplish that's the. move now people want to know how to get.

big have a fat ass have a fat ass and. we'll figure the rest now I did that I. have a fat ass and I could barely get a. meeting have a fat ass don't have a lot. of cellulite on it have it be real fat. have it look like an Eddie Bauer leather. seat in a Ford Explorer come in with.

that and we'll write the song around it. we'll get your stylist we'll figure it. out you lead with the ass. bring the ass in I can imagine all these. executives sitting and the thing just. looking at girls asses all day that's. the one we want. badass pops well we'll we'll back into. her career see what I did there we'll. back into the song let's just let's. let's choose an ass let's choosing it oh. she's got a pockmarked face out give me.

an ass with a nice face and I'll make a. star give me a fat ass and a nice face. and I will make you a star. song land I think my agent over today. and I heard somebody downstairs like. playing an acoustic guitar and I'm like. oh there's some some somebody's in there. like playing a guitar like for the agent. or something like trying I was it what. and I was like I hope it's Shawn Mendes. I hope it's a big celebrity who's. nothing sadder than like some. disinterested la agent sitting there and. like some guy being like this is about.

my grandma died in Portland and it's. about I had a really rough time and then. I met this girl and she really changed. it but she's dead now and here's my song. it's like putty what's your ass like. take your pants off we're not playing it. we don't care anymore what are you. saying let me ask you a question yeah. let me ask you a question so uh yeah and. then I just you know I just really start.

to come to terms with my diction I wrote. this beautiful song about connecting. with who I am sir let me ask you a. question do you keep it juicy what do. you eat that lunch what if if I can see. it from the front can I see it from the. back I don't understand exactly get the. [ __ ] out of my office go to Nashville. and go kill yourself because this is not. gonna work you don't get what we're. doing here nobody's interested in your.

[ __ ] story do you keep it juicy do. you eat that lunch I mean this is you. know I mean these people are and then. you gotta you gotta act like. everything's you know gotta act like. everything's great. we're in the golden era let's talk about. Monday calm okay Monday calm Monday calm.

cuz he's always at Monday's in there. folks my Monday is tomorrow Thursday. when I fly to start when I fly to the. club and I check-in I got hi I'm the. clown when they go well. we have a show tonight two shows. tomorrow two shows a Saturday and my. weekend is your week my Thursday is your. Monday but Monday is coming if you own a.

business you need software like Monday. comm because it allows you very easily. to keep track of everything that you're. doing stay organized find files look. looking through emails and finding [ __ ]. is a nightmare I've told you this before. my lack of organization has prevented my. success and everything I've ever done if. I was an organized human being. me and Ben would be able to do so much. more I'm only starting to get organized.

now Ben's only starting get organized. now he's only been sober for a little. over a year before that he was like. blackout drunk walking down to 405. okay so he's synapses are only starting. to fire and occasionally connect the. point is we're not really organized we. doing a podcast now at 2:00 a.m. in a. garage we had four days to do this but. I'm all over the [ __ ] place I'm. living in the middle of a divorce that I. moved into okay in the room of a 19 year. old girl who's living in New York I'm. living in her room and I'm then that fat.

cat Oscar keeps trying to escape and I'm. [ __ ] charged with keeping him he said. the police called on him several times. he's a [ __ ] terrorist he's crazy he. keeps finding ways to get out he's been. doing it for years. it's hack at this point you just can't. [ __ ] and if I was organized folks I'd. have it all down I'd have it all down. I'd have nine pilots written would it. matter no they'd all tell me to [ __ ]. myself anyway but it would be nice at. least I'd be getting told to [ __ ] myself. with so the point is never go to Monday.

calm okay Monday calm slash Tim Monday. calm slash Tim they get a free you get a. free 14-day trial there's no commitment. checkout Monday cop see for yourself how. helpful their software is what's great. about these ads is there's no commitment. dummies so if you don't like it leave. they've given you a 14-day free trial. the other swell for work it creates. accountability nobody can say they. didn't get the email nobody can say they.

missed the meeting everything is there. everything's connected everything's easy. and if you find a way to make your. business more efficient it might succeed. you know all that Gary Vaynerchuk said. hustle grind go get them attack the day. kill it crush it [ __ ] it's dead body. whatever it is you got to do it and. Monday dot-com / Tim is a way to do it. you get a 14-day free trial ok it's easy.

I'm so on an organ donor where anything. is I just checked in for my flight it's. leaving in seven hours you know god I. don't want to go I don't want to get on. a plane I want to stay I don't want to. go to work. but this is my Monday many of you feel. that way too you know that's the way it.

is folks Monday comm / Tim 14-day free. trial try it out see what you like if. you have a fledgling business you need. this help check it out see if you like. if you don't like it you could parties. friends no big deal not a problem. they'll commitment if you do like it. it's a great way for small business to. really grow ok fail because your content. sucks don't fail because you're not.

organized many of you will fail but fail. because you don't bring anything to the. table fail because you're not good. enough smart enough fast enough sharp. enough fail because you don't want it. down deep you don't have the fire in you. you're not a competitor you're not a. fighter you're not a winner fail because. you can't close the deal you can't make. the sale you're a loser. you're everything your father thought. you are fail because of that but know. that for sure don't fail because. somebody didn't get an email it seems.

like a dumb reason to fail put it all on. the line take the risks then fail jump. jump and don't look down and then when. you finally look down you realize that. you're about to fall into a pit of. knives with snakes or whatever. it's late but have that be the reason. you fail don't fail by accident don't. fail because it's a managerial [ __ ] fail. because you just suck you know um Monday.

comm / Tim 14-day free trial don't [ __ ]. around get it get it set it and forget. it. be efficient be a businessman Europe. you're a business you are you hear that. you sitting there you're eating Domino's.

you're sitting in your room you're a. business you don't even know it you're a. goddamn business but you just need. Monday comm I'm gonna get Monday comm. and I'm gonna organize myself so that. when I fail I'm gonna know it's cuz of. me it's not because of some clerical. error you sit down with your wife and. she goes what happened with the business. we haven't trouble getting organized or.

was it overwhelming good no no it. actually ran smoothly honey I suck you. married a loser you married a zero and. then she'll take a sip of coffee and go. oh okay but Monday comm work and you go. great Monday comm was great but I'm a. loser and shield oh yeah I kind of. thought and yoga well now we know for.

sure cuz it wasn't it wasn't the. clerical issues it was me it was your. husband Monday dot-com / Tim get the. [ __ ] trial don't start. you know I should own boomers a lot man. but at least they had good [ __ ] music. and all these people that are like you. real political ideologues now and they. all [ __ ] on the Boomers and I [ __ ] on.

the Boomers but listen guys what do you. think you're gonna bake the boomers were. idealistic too didn't work the system. won the system is probably sadly gonna. win again I know that nobody wants to. hear that but that's what's gonna happen. and you could tell all these kids years. from now how you thought you memed your. way to victory and you got nothing and. nothing really changed and nobody really. gives a [ __ ]. had Bernie sandals get into office and. we'll get we'll have free Community.

College because everybody will fight him. tooth and nail you know and just like. Obama remember that Obama was like hey. you know that guy fought for eight years. and got you know you got like a health. care plan where you've got like $30 off. cancer or something you got like a. Groupon if every one of your family had. cancer you had a Groupon so you could go. and not you know whatever was but that's. what it is and like you know if you've.

been through around a few cycles and. you've you've seen what it is and you've. seen the bastardization of pop culture. you've seen it to generate into it. through a literal sewer I mean literally. the words and these songs you this baby. talk it's bigger I have a googoo gah-gah. a boo-boo Baba look at my ass I'm hidden. it's baby talk it it doesn't make any. sense. it's literally googoo gaga baby talk.

mush brain someone who was in a car. accident who can barely understand I. mean these songs sound like the people. that are writing them or you're showing. them flashcards to teach them the. language after they've had a stroke. booty lunch pump I mean I mean so it's a. sewer it's a sewer out there.

and everybody wants to just go see they. want to go see what celebrities are. doing they want to go to the bowling. alley with cardi B that's what they want. to do they want to see celebrities do. things that you have to do in your. shitty life isn't it fun to see. celebrities do things that we do because. we have no [ __ ] choice because we got. to go to the [ __ ] Olive Garden. because it's the only thing in this town. that was polluted by poison that the.

government tested missiles in we're. living in a missile silo and the only. thing here is the Olive Garden so it. would be real fun it'll be real fun if. we could see Cameron Diaz go and eat. there make us feel a lot better about. having our tour of Italy it's from. people you're an audience for that did. people request that like by the way it. would really make me feel better if we. can see celebrities doing the horrific. things I'm forced to do on a daily basis.

what's the next show you know Amy Adams. goes and works at a private prison next. next on Seth Meyers. see Amy Adams work at a private juvenile. detention center won't that be fun I bet. that'll be that'll be funny let's go see. it.

that should be fun. Liam Hemsworth goes and works in a sober. house who's sober who's lying. Liam we'll see you see Liam Hemsworth. three addicts with Forks trying to kill. Liam Hemsworth that I would watch if. that if that is a show I'm not pitching. things I would absolutely watch you know. but I mean this new genre of tits like.

it doesn't make any sense to me I gotta. sit in these rooms and look at these. people with a straight face and not like. I just have to look at them and nod and. go yeah yeah that sounds good that. sounds fun sounds. you know it's a great show. so what Madonna's gonna do if she's. gonna go make biochemical weapons with. Raytheon they're their missiles put the.

warhead has biochemical agents in it so. Madonna's gonna do that it's real fun. it's real fun she she takes you to the. whole Factory and you get to see the. plant where they make all the missiles. it's great oh yeah that sounds fun. Madonna's you know 85 years old I'm sure. they're not gonna choose her she's. another one that corpse she comes out. and I haven't seen her in a while Tina.

Turner did it right kill four years be. the best leave the country leave the. country. you did it you dude you did it and you. said you watched something on CBS Sunday. morning. yeah and she would you said she was uh. she was kind of nice about Ike but she. was like well you got to understand with. Ike he was also very sweet to me he was. very loving in the beginning giving me. gifts always loving armies I mean she's. kind of defended him in the interview. really let me listen Ike Ike's methods.

much like Joe Jackson's methods were not. ideal but if if it's a choice between. Tina Turner Michael Jackson and I I eat. that lunch I keep it plump then bring. back the beatings bring back the belt. maybe that's the problem nobody feels.

the sting of leather when they [ __ ] up. and Billy Eilish sucks you [ __ ]. losers I've tried to listen to this. talentless [ __ ] and she sings about. [ __ ] her friend's dad don't tell me. he's a [ __ ] minor enough I'm a bad. guy Mike [ __ ] your dad what you're. acting like you know who else was - the. Olsen twins they killed Heath.

Pledger I forgot which one did that but. one of them dead I'm over it but this. idea that a minor it's garbage. and if people mess even a check I'm like. hey I'm a fan of your podcast but like. actually if you listen to it it's real. early actually if you listen to it it's. really deep and good hey hey [ __ ] off. you go listen to it then Billie Eilish. this is her songs they sound like that.

she goes man that's what it sounds like. that's the song can she sing can she. sing anything or is it all a ritual. where she sits there and all these kids. are obsessed with her and you know they. all chant and it's the [ __ ] Hollywood. ball or whatever probably doing bigger. budget stadiums now I don't give a [ __ ].

I'm happy where I am in a garage with. the truth I give a [ __ ] all these. companies tell me to [ __ ] off that's ok. all these people in this town nothing is. bad enough yet. and I don't mean like world [ __ ] I mean. like nothing will ever be bad enough for. them they will make things that are so. bad and the only time they will ever. stop is if the San Andreas Fault just.

you know everything and they're. swallowed the only way they will stop. make it bad [ __ ] is if they are. swallowed into the earth I mean or the. great Bill Hicks who said what was it it. splits off in its Arizona Bay LA Arizona. today like there you know you know. should we should we just point out the. deficit in the market or let's speak to. the deficit oh my yeah let's speak to it.

let's speak to I'll speak to it let's do. a show let's do something funny. now ya know. he wants to do that okay well then I. guess I'll just have to keep pointing. out the deficit. cuz I'm sorry didn't come up with song. land sorry I didn't I didn't no one. gives a [ __ ] about who writes the songs. songwriters are supposed to be people.

that have thankless jobs that make a lot. of money and they have these big. beautiful homes and nobody gives you the. [ __ ] they are cuz it's all magic nobody. wants to know what it really is. stop tryin to show the process to all. these people that don't give a [ __ ]. about it it's not that interesting okay. rhyming plump and bump or whatever. you're doing isn't that [ __ ]. intriguing that there needs to be a. process you know we need to explore the. process of who writes the [ __ ] me let.

it be magic let these dumb [ __ ] think. that all these people write their own. songs it's all fake let it be thank. stop trying to like peel the curtain. back so these people can take a look at. how the sausage is made you know how the. sausage is made and in in certain cases. rape and murder extortion blackmail like. peel that curtain back that's why I. really want to say I don't really give a. [ __ ] about the Songwriters okay I want. to know who the [ __ ] Corey Feldman's. talking about for thirty [ __ ] years.

or is he full of [ __ ] too that's the. funniest thing me and Ray if you guys I. don't know that we'll get the episode. number but if you're subscribed to the. patron you got to find you gotta find. the episode where me and Ray riff on. Corey Feldman's like Good Morning. America or Today Show appearance it is. one of the funniest things me and Ray. have ever done where we just think about. like it's all these generals that did MK. on all these kids and they see this guy. and they're like we so he's rogue he.

went rogue and he's just like dancing. right I mean it's the funniest thing. I've ever seen in my life and Mia ray. but I mean they did this whole idea and. it started with like Louie who is a. genius but it started with that like how. does it happen how do these comedians. come up with their bits. I wonder how is it how does it happen. and all these people like Mike my father. his wife loved to watch the voice and. they loved most people love these. competition shows they watch for people. to fail because it makes them feel good. that they never tried anything they go. see they're going home you're going home.

yet an off night it makes them feel good. when they file into their job tomorrow. that they never took a risk in their. [ __ ] life they get they want to see. you go home and then at the end somebody. wins and they get to pretend to feel. happy for that person you know you know. but stop with this [ __ ] it's magic. let it be magic I appreciated it all so. much more when I didn't know any of. these people and I didn't know how any.

of this happened and I just thought that. really supremely talented people just. work their asses off and struggled and. got rewarded and now that some of that. is going on but a lot of it isn't and. now that I've seen that a lot of it is. just people that strategize and plot and. which is a skill in and of itself unto. itself and I'm not saying that it is in. a meaningful skill and it's certainly a. hell of a lot better skill than the one. that I have which is just like trying to.

be good at a thing that I said I'd be. good at it takes a little bit of the. magic away from it okay so I don't need. to watch song land I don't need to watch. bring the funny I know I know that you. can bring the funny and here's what. happens when you bring the funny people. tell you to go [ __ ] yourself okay hi I. brought the funny oh we didn't order. funny. we ordered a fat ass you're gonna shake. your fat ass today what I brought the.

funny wrong Oh we ordered Native. American in a wheelchair we didn't order. funny what no no no no I have the order. right here at the GrubHub order it says. mixed race 19 year old socialist Native. American in a wheelchair and just a fat. ass an ass of fat like a jello mold. not even will will attach it to a person. when we find the right one we just want. the ass now let me ask a question do you. have the ass no I brought the funny you.

fool. go deliver post mates bring the funny. bring. gun yeah as always a show is brought to. you by swingers in West Hollywood. swingers you know I mean the food is bad. the service is worse the decor is an.

embarrassment the vibe is bad every time. you walk in the vibes not good um you. know what Holly was a real nightmare you. gotta be you gotta be in Hancock Park. you got to have the East Coast a state. gotta have the East Coast Tudor are you. gonna go to got to go to the beach gotta. be Malibu or you got to be Beverly Hills. with a big pink house and your neighbors. are Saudis and they got white tigers. roaming the property West Hollywood.

enough enough I dream that booty booty I. eat then I do like that song I do like. and I am opening for I will be opening. for dosha cat all summer I'm excited. about it. I'm kind of curious he's [ __ ] song. land for songwriters we'll see if they. have what it takes to write [ __ ] for.

songwriters we'll see if they have what. it takes to write songs and baby talk. for our population whose IQs are. plummeting every year soon it'll just be. sounds good boo boo boo boo boo good oh. that's good what someone did you write I. wrote googa boo boo oh five songwriters. see if they have what it takes to write. [ __ ] for fat asses soothly gonna just.

take a microphone and put it right in. the middle of an ass they won't even. would even just gonna be an ass why even. attach these to people we just want the. ass just to shake I'm telling right now. a music video two years will be a. shaking ass it will not even be a human. being why. do we even have human beings for what. for what purpose.

Aida booty booty you didn't like it's. catchy the beat is cat the people who do. the music that's a talent it's catchy. it's catchy not everything's catchy it's. interesting I mean that ain't great. either you know hey Bach but it's catchy. you know and uh I'm gonna go to New York. for a few days and record with Ray Lucy. my mother see my father and his wife.

take a quick couple of sojourn I don't. want to go that I'm looking at hotels. and it's like it's so weird to have. lived in a place your entire life. and we'll go back to it now and get a. hotel it's an interesting feeling I'm. like you know it was a great deal no. financial district I'm like I don't want. to stay in the front the financial. district is depressing especially when. you don't have any finances it's kind of. depressing really want to stay on Wall.

Street okay he's very depressing part of. New York City is just not for me. yeah there's parts of downtown I like. Tribeca the village but the financial. districts whatever but it's 98,000 night. to go down there staying like whatever. Doubletree Hilton some [ __ ] I'll try to. stand by the park I like I like that. area I like the Midtown area the area. where where Alex lives Epstein that area. I kind of like you know I mean Wix Wix.

Wix many of you out there have spent. time on your personal brand and it is. why your lives are not what you want. them to be because people cannot. identify what your brand is who are you.

what are you why are you what do you. bring to the table can I describe you in. less than three words. what are you fat black nerd okay. angry butch Dyke skinny smart herpes. what are you brand is important it's.

more important than anything else right. now you gotta have a very easily. identifiable brand people don't feel. comfortable if you don't have a brand. okay. Jew loud [ __ ]. three words whatever it is okay. happy Indian deli you're a happy ending. guy that works at a deli it's who you. are it's your brand how you interface.

with the world it's very important I'm. not saying all Jews are constant they're. all Indians work at delis they are and. they do but that's not what I'm saying. what I'm saying is it's clearly a joke. what I'm saying is that you need a brand. and part of the brand is having a. website I'm part of having a website is. designing one and a lot of you don't. know what the [ __ ] you're doing so if. you go with Wix you can start from.

scratch if you want to prove something. or you can choose from five hundred. stunning templates they also have an. innovative drag-and-drop website. builders you can easily customize your. site and they had tax images videos. whatever you want you can even build. your site Wix Adi with their artificial. design intelligence answer a few simple. questions about your business and Wix. will create a stunning website for you. we built Tim Dylan's going to hell calm. Tim Dylan TI ll ons going to hell calm. using wicks it was incredibly easy to do.

so if you have business you want to. promote if you have content you want to. promote you need a professional website. okay if people can only contact you via. social media you're missing out on the. like a lot of clients especially boomers. boomers love a website they love the. ability to go to you send you a message. professionally you can put up a few. testimonials on your website you know a. lot of people are photographers you know. a lot of people like to photograph. people and things Photography is also.

something people get into when they're. complete losers it's it's like the least. you know it requires nothing you've bug. go buy a camera and you go [ __ ] around. who cares and the pictures are dumb and. it's pointless it's a pointless activity. and the people that don't really have a. lot going on can go out and take photos. or like lakes and you know you put with. all the things on a computer you can. make them look and in a none of it. matters okay none of it matters you have.

a meaningless life and taking photos of. your surrounding area is not only is it. not impressive it's a large waste of. your time but many of you need to waste. your time that's all you're gonna do in. fact your entire life from birth to. death will be just different chunks of. how you waste your time okay because. every word that comes out of your mouth. is it people that are listening to it it. is like it is like nails on chalkboard. grading to hear you speak so go and be. quiet go buy a camera and go go shoot.

pictures of birds. okay go bother them instead of [ __ ]. sitting around and bothering everybody. with your inane thoughts that a. pointless pointless activity elective. until you ever meet somebody that. doesn't getting really into photography. as soon as somebody says they're getting. really into photography run the other. way there's nothing to get into what are. you talking about everyone's a. photographer everyone you point your.

phone at something you go click no. there's good mean raised to have so such. fights about this Israel did so mad at. me because yeah okay there are some good. photographers but let's get [ __ ] real. there's a lot of people out there. wasting the goddamn time they just want. a shiny toy camera they can go out and. play around with it but if you are one. of those heathens put the photos on a. professional website it let's at least. make it look good then maybe somebody. will buy your print of the Long Island. Sound who do you want to buy my print no.

they don't but maybe they will get of a. website I'm a professional photography. says who are you Annie Leibovitz oh. you're not getting into photography I've. heard a lot of people say that recently. and it's never people that are. worthwhile it's always people that. should be thrown in a lake. I'm getting into photography you know.

when you go into it when you go take our. early morning photos of the ocean how. about you go run in wood wood weights. photography but if you are a. photographer you need a website so you. got to go to Tim Dylan's going to hell. calm go to the bottom click on the link. we'll give you 10% off any premium plan. ok 10% off any premium plan so you could. take all your photos that are so good. that you work so [ __ ] hard on you oh.

look it's the sunset on a little bridge. oh good you could take all those photos. you can put them on a website and then. maybe somebody will contact you and buy. them because you got such a good eye you. got such an eye you how'd you get that. to look so good. my father's into like taking photos of. birds now cuz he's about done he like. takes photos of birds in his backyard. and his wife makes them many things and. they hang them on a wall that's what the.

last stage of its likes folks I hope. you'll stay real healthy so that you can. experience that that's the last decade. taking photos of that's a sparrow. oh is it um Tim Dylan's going to. komm go to the bottom which will give. you 10% off any premium plan I just it's. interesting man I'm getting adjusted. here to Los Angeles you can see how well.

I'm getting adjusted but it's all. pretend and it's all fake but you got to. give yourself over to it cuz you'll lose. your mind you'll lose your mind if you. don't give yourself over to what it is. just accept it it's what it is folks. that's what the people want they want. song land apparently I like to believe. they don't they want to see Jimmy Fallon. and post Malone eat fettuccine alfredo.

at the Times Square Olive Garden that's. what the people want they think it's. great they think it's fine and they. don't know why you got such a problem. it's fun what's the problem you want to. watch The Bachelor we like it we like. The Bachelor you know and I have friends. you have regular friends I speak to. regular I know when you hear the show. you think that I don't I talk to a lot.

of different kinds of people and there's. a lot of people out there that like to. show that don't agree with what I say. and that's okay there's nothing wrong. with that I prefer that but at least you. think it's funny Ryan see what Hollywood. wants now they want you to agree with. people and not laugh I'd rather you. laugh at this show and go nom I like. Disney World I don't agree with him. that's okay. but some of what I say will resonate. with you and you'll actually laugh and. think that it's funny because that's my. job is that it's it's funny or it's.

interesting or maybe you do agree with. what I say or whatever or you're in the. middle who gives I don't agree with half. of what I say doesn't matter okay. you should agree about swingers but you. know that's what but the meetings I have. the people I meet now they just want you. [ __ ] to nod they just want you to. smile and nod everybody wants to be safe. what's a safe bet and they're they're. all fear fear-based.

and that's where they're losing. that's where they're failing and that's. what shows like this is exceeding and. Rogin succeeding and Theo and Bert on. your mom's house and and [ __ ] and. legion of skanks and and Chang Gillis is. podcast and come town and all these. [ __ ] shows where people are genuinely. funny and authentic and [ __ ] like that. how is Nick Mullen that had ten [ __ ]. shows how has he not had ten [ __ ]. shows he because he's funny it's like. and he's he's not the type of guy that.

you know he's written on a bunch of. shows but that's a guy I always thought. that somebody to let me and Nick make a. show I always want you know you know I. mean now I look back I'm like why did I. think that but I always wanted to do. that Nick was gonna be the first person. I had he was the first guy I had in the. pilot you know you know on my writer you. know and we were going Nick had this. idea where we were doing this tour of.

Long Island right so we wanted to set. this fake fundraiser because the whole. thing was about Lorne I was like. obsessed with Billy Joel right if you. wanted have this fake fundraiser where. all these kids have this disease that. nobody understood what it was but we're. gonna like Photoshop them to all kind of. look like Billy Joel. and we didn't know if anyone who's gonna. notice and the fundraiser was gonna be. we're gonna have a bunch of dillagi.

impersonators we're gonna have a realist. fund rich because stage real fundraiser. and have a bunch of Billy Joel. impersonators get in a fistfight about. who was more Billy Joel and they were. gonna beat the [ __ ] out of each other in. front of real people and it was all. gonna be a fundraiser for these kids who. had a disease that made them look like. Billy Joel and when we explained this. idea we explained this idea this is. Nick's idea is brilliant and when we. explain you because I wanted something. with Billy Joel and I want it like a.

fake Billy Joel fundraiser and I was. like Billy Joel impersonators need to be. involved and it's like what if we gave. these kids of disease or made them all. look like Billy Joel we had all these. little kids it'll kind of look like. we explain this idea uh to the. production company you could have said. you wanted to do a music video at. Auschwitz and it would have gotten a. better reception then when we brought up. this idea but it's still one of the. funniest things ever we had this idea.

where I would get in a rowboat to try to. make it to Plum Island which is the. disease research facility in Long Iowa. they clearly like breeding some you know. God Only Knows you're doing tests on. animals and [ __ ] and I was gonna get in. a boat with the Long Island medium we're. gonna try to get her to do it she. wouldn't do it but or Alexa ray Joel I'm. Lorna medium and I was just gonna get in. a boat and try to row to elect Tom. Island singing Billy Joel songs trying.

to wrote upon but nobody wants to have. any fun you know nobody wants to nobody. wants to do anything so so [ __ ] it guys. listen we appreciate you the people that. are into the patreon the patreon is like. it's the idea it's the kind of the me. accepting that if we want to do real. funny [ __ ] we want to do this [ __ ] we. want to do we're kind of gonna have to.

do we're sitting in a garage now it's 2. o'clock in the [ __ ] morning this is. where we started to make these videos a. year above over a year ago and this is. where the funny [ __ ] that we've done in. the last year has come out of it hasn't. come out of a network it hasn't come out. of a writers room. it shows come out of me and been sitting. here doing funny [ __ ] and people are. [ __ ] and we've got millions and. millions of views and people like. Stanhope and Christ's shirt and Rogan. and Noor McDonald people people that we. respect and look up to you like those. people have all said this is really.

funny [ __ ] and that is just the route. we're gonna have to take it'll be harder. it'll be longer and it's just the route. because whatever is gonna happen. whatever they're gonna do out there and. I just turned down I was just asked to. do something stand-up wise I turned it. down. the money was [ __ ] but it was also like. these things that people are doing or. not. gonna be good and I didn't want to do. something that I was completely like. everyone I talk to you about this.

including some of the other people doing. it we're like yeah it's gonna suck but. we're just gonna do it because that's to. what it is and I was like well I don't. want to do it that I don't want to be in. this business if I'm that [ __ ]. cynical or I just go well I'm just gonna. do it because everyone else is doing it. it's gonna suck and I'm gonna hate it. you know and it'll be bad but it's just. what you do man we're all just desperate. and we're all just you know they can. they can give us they can give us a bowl. of gruel and we thank them you know. thank you for the gruel please may I.

have some more may have another 15. minutes sir. can I'll just get another 10 minutes to. do my joke sir no no no at a certain. point you gotta you gotta just say [ __ ]. it what we've been doing is been working. we're gonna keep doing that you know and. if any big Network wants to write me a. check I will delete this episode you.

understand me. vanilla comedy calm for all the dates I. am going to be at the stress factory in. New Jersey September 5th to the 7th I'm. going to be a go bananas in Cincinnati I. think right the next weekend which is. like September 11 the 12th or something. I'm gonna be all over the place I'm. gonna be in the side splitters in Tampa. in October I'm gonna be in Providence. Rhode Island I'm gonna be everywhere. please rate review subscribe to the. podcast on Apple podcast sorry YouTube.

demons that there's no video I know. you're gonna flip out go [ __ ] off go. watch something else then okay you. [ __ ] want me to go we couldn't do it. this week you gotta get more video it's. gonna happen we're getting more video. we're doing everything that we [ __ ]. can here we got a limited budget. we got limited [ __ ] we're trying to make. everything happen and. you know Tim Jay Dylan di ll when on. Instagram on Twitter if you can't. subscribe to the page hon that's fine.

too. so tell people about the show tell. people that it's funny tell people that. it's good keep listening to it you know. that's all that we could really ask you. to do you know I mean that's it I mean I. can't ask you to do more but you know. will ya so I gotta go now because. tomorrow I get to get on an American. Airlines flight and find a Raleigh to. good night's comedy club very excited. about that hopefully people are there. hopefully they want to laugh all the. college kids that just got back you know.

to Raleigh whatever. hopefully you there you know you're. gonna be excited you can enjoy it I feel. like it's a lot of preppy I'll do well. with those people I'll call them out you. know for whatever you know they'll enjoy. that it is what it is folks you know. real fun set at the store tonight man. I'm feeling like it's gonna LA I'm gonna. find a way to make la my home and I it's.

just a very it's a tough city only. because it is run by Satan that's the. only thing about it but the weather is. nice goodbye.