161 - The Los Angeles Liars

hi I'm Timmy the trashcan and I love. trash they all taste so good instead of. throwing your trash on the floor won't. you please give it to me thank you for. considering your fellow patrons why the. Jeffrey Epstein case inspires so many. conspiracy theories Anna north at Fox.

comm the question folks is if you tried. could you be this stupid if you put. effort into it if you dedicated yourself. if you trained your mind could you be. this daft to write an article that is. basically pondering why the Jeffrey.

Epstein case inspires so many conspiracy. theories why why why so many unanswered. questions it's a relatively simple thing. a man who was running an international. human trafficking ring who was close. friends with politicians the CEOs of.

major corporations prime ministers a man. who had been convicted of molesting. underage girls and given a sweetheart. deal because and I quote Alexander. Acosta Trump's labor secretary said he. quote belonged to intelligence was given. a sweetheart deal where he served around. a year in like a minimum security. federal prison and left everyday to go. to work.

and part of that deal is that he. wouldn't have to inform on his. co-conspirators that man who was then. reah Rus today few months ago supposedly. cooperating with prosecutors charged. several counts of sex trafficking was. going to go to trial and potentially. inform on his co-conspirators because. there was no get-out-of-jail-free card. this time a man who tried to kill. himself.

a few weeks ago in one of the most. secure detention centers in America the. Metropolitan Correctional Facility where. they held El Chapo where they've held. terrorists I think Zacharias Masseria. could be wrong that guy who was on. suicide watch was taken off suicide. watch his roommate was moved out of his. room and a few hours later he hung. himself in said facility and now there.

will be no trial and there will be no. open court why would a case like that. all these internet loonies all these. tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy theorists. seize redditors these these marginalized. creatures that just have to make. everything into one big [ __ ].

conspiracy why would this set wanna set. them off. you better be asking the question why. perfectly rational reasonable people who. had been asleep who had been [ __ ]. asleep and I mean asleep watching The. Bachelor asleep are starting to wake up. now and they're starting to go ahh like. they might not be full-on you know. they're not storming area 51.

but they're even going you know what. wait a minute something's wrong here and. just laying Maxwell I just ripped off a. part of my nail and that my finger is. bleeding just lame Maxwell that's how I. don't cut my nails I just I tear them. off anxiously and that's how I think. many of you should do it right I believe. in different ways that anxiety should. leave the. one of them is to tear off your nails um.

and and what will happen is you know. when you're done winning you're bleeding. that's when you know you're done when is. my nail short enough when there's a pool. of blood on your finger and then your. nail hurts for the next couple of days. and you go to grab something your nail. will hurt because it's just raw skin and. then the nail grows back that is how to. do it we're gonna go in a just lay max. while eating it in an out burger because. we're living either in a simulation. that's glitching or this is either a.

PSYOP with it basically like we can do. whatever we want now it doesn't have to. make sense and we're gonna distract you. because now it's becoming this weird. tabloid thing I'm like oh Epstein's. gal-pal. the [ __ ] was [ __ ] trafficking kids. and they're calling it like Epstein's. gal-pal seen eating it in and out but. gal-pal what eats his [ __ ] taking 13. 14 year-old kids to an island to [ __ ].

Bill Richardson that fat [ __ ]. there was a governor in New Mexico and. you treating this like it's some like. fun tabloid scandal this is the darkest. [ __ ] humanly possible and the press is. turning into like some tabloid fodder. where was just Lane spotted was she. eating it in and out burger did she get. animal style why is she walking around. free well nobody asking her questions. she's reading a book about the deaths of.

CIA agents and a [ __ ] in and out it's. to Ventura or Studio City or whatever. location Jaime Vernon told me where it. was I forgot Universal City yeah what. the [ __ ] is happening there was an. article that said she was uh she was. holed up with some tech guy in. Manchester by the sea that town that's. weird too she's in a movie she's in. Manchester by the sea she's in some big. and if you have any problem folks I have.

a Ricola because I think I'm coming down. with something I'm trying not to smoke I. probably will smoke for the end of the. show. I don't smoke other than doing this. podcast. I really do not smoke unless I do the. podcast but there's something about the. nicotine and the smoking that you know I. mean I've done good podcasts and and not. smoke there's something about the. nicotine and the cigarette that feels it. lends itself to conversation and any of.

you that listen to show maybe that are. younger they vape skies do not lend. themselves to conversation the way. cigarettes do because there's no pausing. there's no inhaling actually I mean I. know there's inhaling exhaling but it. doesn't feel the same way there's no. give-and-take and it just shows that the. generation coming up now a generation. that has been you know raised primarily. online a generation full of you know.

adderall and anxiety uh you're not. you're not learning how to really. conversate in the appropriate way you. just select Ben see what he does he just. sucks on that every 30 seconds he. doesn't know how to speak to anyone. because he doesn't know it's not his. fault he doesn't know he doesn't. understand how to talk when you talk to. him he will stare off into the sky and. leave because he doesn't know this whole. generation of people has never been.

taught how to communicate a big part of. learning how to communicate is to smoke. cigarettes. so it's really what it is you know I. mean I don't I could sugarcoat it um can. you do it without smoking cigarettes no. now I will say this she got max well. they said she's at Manchester by the. city then they track the guy down of.

course the government it's old and you. are opposed to this the government is no. interest okay they don't give a [ __ ]. they don't care they don't care at all. where she is you know so the New York. Post finds her uh throwing down a. double-double or whatever at the. universal [ __ ] in and out reading a. book about the death. of CIA agents I mean and then there's a.

review that's supposedly attributed to. her I'm gonna read you guys the review. you gotta realize you gotta realize. where we are and take stock of this. because it's [ __ ] insane and then I'm. gonna tell you after this I'll tell you. why I think I'm banned from the your. mom's house Network um I believe I am. bad I don't know that is not a fact but. I believe after today I am banned from. the your mom's house Network I don't. know I do not want to be banned I am NOT.

asking to be bad I feel is that I am bad. after the events of today I will go into. why well go into why that's my own. little scandal we have asked and a lot. of hands here folks we've got a scandal. on our hand it's not as big as Epstein. there's not as many powerful people. involved there are some not nearly as. powerful but we do have a scandal G.

Maxwell gave five stars to this book I. don't have the name of the book but you. can easily find it supposedly sales for. this book shot way the [ __ ] up okay. everybody's like what is she reading. what is what is the madam reading what. is the madam reading it's a great way to. sell your book if a child pimp is seen. reading your book many people in this. country go yup that's what we want.

she had a harem of child [ __ ] let's. buy this book she's laying Maxwell it. gives it five stars goes a good friend. of mine died recently under very tragic. circumstances some of us saw it coming. for quite a while but it was still a. huge shock when it finally happened I. picked up this book at the advice of a. friend and absolutely couldn't put it. down. I'd read it while walking the dog. getting fast food or even just lounging.

around the house it helped me realize. that my friend really believed in. something and they given your life of. the CIA NSA FBI Mossad or. other intelligence agencies truly a. higher calling and not something to. mourn a wholehearted recommendation. supposedly from G Maxwell she's. reviewing a think of this folks think of. this a woman who participated in the.

horrific abuse of children who knew damn. well why it was going on is reading a. book about the deaths of intelligence. operatives of which Jeffrey Epstein. certainly was one she probably is one. she's pretty probably foreshadowing and. she's probably not gonna be around. forever although there's a reason she's. still here and she's still doing [ __ ].

like that I mean we're in Sam Tripoli. always used to talk about this chaos. theory of like things not having to make. sense and the idea of just this overload. of information a lot of a disinformation. it's hard to look at the events of the. last week and I think you'd have to come. to grips with the very small group of.

powerful people that have had power had. almost absolute in total power for a. very long time we're starting to lose it. it's starting to come under all these. things are starting to come undone and. it's like the 11th hour and they're. getting very sloppy and they had to get. rid of this guy there was no way he. could be an open court and now this. [ __ ] is eating cheeseburgers and. reviewing spy novels in LA and it's like.

at a certain point you like this bit is. she rogue he's someone instructed her to. do this is this part of the plan do they. want people to think he was intelligence. you you you'd you'd think not because he. clearly was but is there some benefit to. them. if it sounds so crazy that people. dismiss it because maybe it's a step too. far for people to believe that this is.

an activity to sponsor my elements of. our government is easier for people to. believe that rich people just have. deviant sexual appetites and Epstein was. there to satisfy those appetites driving. them to the idea that he was in the. intelligence community does it does it. make it this shadowy thing that people. have a much harder time believing and it. gets too complex and people ultimately. check out I don't know I'm very. interested and why these things are. happening or have they lost control the.

operation is it like a play that the. director sits in the back end with his. head in his hands goes [ __ ] god I hope. we make it to act 3 is that what where. we're at now does anyone think about. this is everyone just watching the bat. wires everyone watching the bait is it. that good should I start watching it. it's not good it's not good. why the entire country is under the. spell of The Bachelor people have. careers because just like they talk.

about the bat what is going on is this. not more interesting to you then the. bachelor I don't understand. rich cuts wanna [ __ ] a rich guy or. selfish gods that aren't rich whatever. and I've got poor either have teeth. isn't that simple don't you get it the. relationships aren't real is it this. stuff better am I wrong.

maybe I'm wrong Epstein hung himself his. [ __ ] is eaten in and out this was. Chelsea Clinton's best friend. this woman was friends with the cleanse. hab he's got a [ __ ] painting of our. president in heels in drag in his. mansion in New York City which was. outfitted with two-way mirrors and. recording equipment for blackmail and. everybody still just wants to talk about.

the bachelor folks what would need to. happen I need to understand this person. I'm not against love I'm not against. dating shows I'm not against people. having fun I'm not against meaningless. horseshit I trafficking a lot of it it's. why I do for a living. I had a five-minute bit about ice cream. I understand frivolous activity but how. good is this goddamn sure I'm scared to.

watch The Bachelor cuz I think I'm just. gonna end up babbling about The Bachelor. for the rest of my life because I'm. looking around going this shit's pretty. interesting but there are people that. are offended if you ask them to like. what your opinion is they're like well I. don't really know but yeah I don't I. don't know about that. that's not my beat I do Bachelor what. people just love I get I mean I I I.

don't know I don't offend any of you in. my audience that maybe like The Bachelor. I'm sure it's a fun show but does it not. interest anyone that there's clearly a. glitch in the [ __ ] matrix and we're. all watching this in real [ __ ] time I. have a lot of respect for the your mom's. house Network I think it's a great. network I think Tom and Christina are.

very funny dr. Drew who's also on the. network he's very talented at what he. does and I've never listened to his show. but I like Celebrity Rehab and I enjoyed. Loveline with Adam Carolla and dr. Dre. they're good people and that's fine I. want to preface this by saying my first. instinct is always to lie and it is. always the right instinct for the most. part lying shows that you've taken a. time to think about what's happening and. that you care about what's happening.

telling the truth is like not wearing. deodorant it's inconsiderate and it. means that you don't care it means you. don't have any regimen you haven't. thought about anything you've kind of. just rolled out of bed. that's why truth when you're honest with. somebody there's a premium to that it's. usually with somebody you really like. a friend somebody you're [ __ ] it. there's a premium to honesty because. it's rare honesty is not something that. happens all the time for good reason. people just don't walk around being. honest with each other the world would.

be an utter chaos if everybody told. everybody what they thought of each. other it would be an utter cat people. have to be kept in the dark they have to. be lied to and manipulated this is why. we have what we have with the Epstein. and the da da da okay I'm just saying. how it is. I'm not saying how it should be I'm not. moralizing I'm telling you what it is. people keep secrets no conspiracies. aren't real cuz no one can keep seeing. you're keepin secrets right now from. your wife and you're telling me that no.

one can keep secrets you're keeping. secrets of somebody asleep next to. secrets get kept for [ __ ] years. people have secret families they never. talk about there's good lawyers out. there you know this says nobody can keep. secrets bad Liars bad Liars can never. believe in conspiracies because they. don't know how to [ __ ] lie they don't. know how to create create and craft a. narrative lies you can't just [ __ ]. around with a lie here and there you got. to be constantly lying all the time you.

got to create a world and populate it. with untruths big lies require little. eyes to sustain them that's a famous. quote I don't know who said it that's. what needs to happen pathological liars. lie all the time because they want to be. good at it if you're drunk if you drink. and drive every night statistically. you're going to be better at it am i. telling you to do it no I'm telling you. what it is if you drink a drive once a. month you're gonna be all nervous same.

with driving high same with lying same. with [ __ ] same with stand-up comedy. you got to do it a lot okay so my first. instinct in many situations is to spin a. yarn a fable a lie an untruth because I. care about the person on the other end I. realize that I've done the wrong thing. and rather than admit it like a crazy. person I lie to cover it up because I. realize I was wrong you're lying because. you realize you're.

wrong if anyone calls you what Ally say. I'm lying to you because I know that I'm. wrong and I love you being honest with. you would be insane am i insane are you. insane honesty is not the best policy no. one says that you know who says that. schoolteachers cuz they talked to. children all day because they have. childlike minds we don't need any advice.

that's on a guidance counselors wall. it's not going to help. don't hit me about no Walter no lie. even after today I will still lie. I'm only upset at the fact that my lie. was not good never lie quick take a. minute take a breath today big Jays. girlfriend Christine Evans who I like. but you know we'll get into that you.

know you know these people you know I. just you know I join her but and she's. in town she grew up in Redondo Beach uh. and she goes hey I want to show you. where I grew up we'll go to the beach. take a little swim we'll get it's a. seafood and a seafood Shack I'm in I. like swimming in the ocean. I'm in there we did we had a beautiful. lunch but a half-hour lunch about a 45.

minute dip in the Pacific Ocean and to. do all that round trip in a car about. five and a half hours in the car about. five and a half in the guard I could. have driven I could have flown to New. York City for the amount of time it took. me to get my fat ass in the Pacific for. forty five [ __ ] minutes but it was a. lovely dip and I like that it's just. it's it's a lot traveling around LA is a. lot she tells me all what you want to.

put on some music so I put on some music. i put on Toby Keith oh and God love her. it's a great song God love her she was. born in a Mississippian Mont I don't. know the [ __ ] lyrics her dad it. wanted to be with me and I said you know. who cares it's catchy. it was unshut phul I put it on she's. like oh you have the worst dates music. and of all my friends I'm like [ __ ]. Toby keeps you talking all day Matt how. she wanted to buy all the houses in.

Manhattan Beach she's like I want to buy. these houses I keep telling Jay for. millions not a lot of money we're an. entertainment for men [ __ ] Toby Keith. could buy ten of those houses and you're. running your mouth I said that too and a. car go Toby Keith why ten of these. houses. you'll die in this rental you don't have. to agree with Toby you don't that think. he's good. it's a catchy goddamn song God love her. so we get down there we have a nice of a.

nice lunch I do this Instagram story. where I'm on the beach and we go up this. beautiful peak in Redondo we're looking. out at the ocean it's got a great view. when I say hey I write on Instagram I. say hey cuz these are he said you will. see things that are similar to this you. know six months ago I was living in the. middle of a busy highway but I started. reading listening to Gary Vaynerchuk and. he's the teachings of Gary van your.

truck and now I realized when I heard. him that I had to stop losing and I had. to start winning and now we just broke. ground on will it be a 25 million dollar. state and how did I pay for it I paid. for it with gratitude and then you know. hashtag hustle grind. it's a funny post and it clearly shows. that I'm in Redondo Beach the beautiful. then she goes there's a Trump golf. course it's open to the public you want. to go check that out I'm like oh yeah I.

think it's fun go see what kinds of. people are still going to trump things. who don't give a [ __ ] I kind of like. that you know and it's just a bunch of. white dudes and dads and they're all. playing golf and you know me and her. walk in and you know they're not. thrilled but she's like it's open to the. public and I felt like explaining to her. honey not our public see the Palos. Verdes public is differ. than our public our public is public bus.

it's not open to us okay I guarantee you. I'm wearing a bathing suit and you're. wearing a sarong you bought on the. Venice Boardwalk from somebody with a. heroin needle hanging out of their chin. so that's not the public that they are. really interested in walking through. their doors okay but I didn't buy the. way that I mean Venice it's like you go. down there the best things there are the.

bodybuilders with AIDS Muscle Beach all. the bodybuilders with AIDS is like. beating aids they all have AIDS and. they've beaten AIDS. they're so built they no longer have. AIDS or penises their penises have gone. away because they've just pumped so much. iron and they've all beaten AIDS but I. didn't see them today because the. outdoor gym was being remodeled sadly so. we go to the Trump course she goes into.

the bathroom to change your clothes like. a true crackhead. okay she's like well she has some fake. question about the restaurant you think. what is the restaurant open where's the. restroom I'm like they know what you're. in here for they know you just want to. go in there deliver a baby and leave it. in the toilet. so just go do that and I'll go take a. [ __ ] and then we'll leave okay we don't. have to pretend that we're here to talk. to the event planner about throwing a.

wedding okay they know you just want to. abandon a baby in the bathroom so almond. do you ever see somebody when you like. walk into a nice place and you start. telling the tale about while you're. there and the people like we know what. this is just [ __ ] we're letting you do. it just use the restroom you don't have. to it wins t top just use the just go.

throw up you're withdrawing right you're. withdrawing and you you need to throw. before you get some suboxone okay just. go do that don't [ __ ] tell us that. yeah you're here to plan your daughter's. wedding so I I remember I don't remember. I get an email from the book of the your. mom's house Network email was 408 said.

hey Tim I hope you're finding your way. here. hope you're having no trouble finding. the place text me well I experience a. range of emotions in the Trump bathroom. and Palos Verdes I was like [ __ ] I was. supposed to do dr. drew today at 4:00. [ __ ] it is now 458 that email was sent. to me at four away I'm in the Trump.

bathroom. I did what I never used to do I used to. call out sick from work all the time but. I never did the no call no show which is. what I did now now here's when you do. the no call no show you have to stay off. the grid and you have to not fire back. you need to get your story straight you. need to sit on it for a minute and think. because you've done the no call no show. the only ways to go harder into the.

light disappear off the grid sink deeper. into the hole take a minute think about. it go what can I do here. you know go grab an old photo of you in. New York throw that on Instagram go dark. for two days email the dude say you had. to go be in New York who knows all these. things but I panicked I was. panic-stricken I'm so ashamed I was.

panic-stricken on the toilet in the. Trump golf course open to the public. Palos Verdes beautiful I was sitting on. the toilet reading the email on the. turlet and I said [ __ ] I email back. immediately I had an emergency I cannot. make it it by the way it's a [ __ ]. hour after I was supposed to be there I. two seconds later I apologize I walk out. I'd call Ben and then it hits me I.

uploaded an Instagram story from the. beach a half hour ago when I should have. been doing the show I have a photo up. from the [ __ ] beach which is the. opposite of an emergency it is literally. the opposite of an emergency. I am frolicking on the beach and I. didn't show up for this [ __ ] show and. then I lied to the guy and it was such a. poorly conceived lie like it was shut.

and now I'm ashamed not because I lied. because I didn't put the time in the. care into a good lie nothing makes you. feel better than pulling off a good lie. and I didn't do it and I pride myself on. being able to do it and I was just and. the thing that saves me is it's so funny. that there's something there there's.

something I was so funny that I couldn't. stop laughing because it's so utterly. disrespectful it's so utterly. disrespectful it's [ __ ] amateur hour. it's it's Giselle just lame sorry it's. just laying eating in and out reading. spy novels it's choking epstein out in. his cell and then [ __ ] like it's all.

that [ __ ] on a very small level it's. it's I'm doing to the Booker that. Network what our government is doing us. basically going oh [ __ ] you and I hope. you like it I hope you like it because. it is what it is and here's a photo of. me with my [ __ ] fat ass frolicking on. the beach and I had an emergency and I. can't make it I email you an hour after. I was supposed to be there so I would.

imagine at this point. I would not be shocked there's a lot of. opportunities and you go why didn't I. get that opportunity there's a lot of. opportunity here's the silver lining to. this I will not wonder if I'm never on. any of their shows I won't lie oh it. won't keep me awake at night like I. might forget this and think for a minute. I wonder why and then I'll go oh yeah oh.

yeah yeah there was that time I know. called no-showed for dr. drew after dark. and then shot often amateur hour email. from the turlet of the Trump and then. right on the Instagram story it's like. it's not only like I'm lying to you it's. really like I should it would have. almost be better if I'd emailed them. back hey [ __ ] you. that would have almost been better if I.

went hey how about [ __ ] you cuz that's. what it is saying you at an emergency. and then having the Instagram story of. you at the beach is two words it is [ __ ]. you it is that I didn't even take the. time to lie good about this I just. thought I would [ __ ] throw it out. there so if you message me some of you. message me to go you should do your.

mom's house and I go yeah yeah I'd love. to do that show they're great you don't. have to message that anymore. I'd still like to do it but if I don't. do it this one is 100% on me. this is my fault this is a bad move. [ __ ] Thank You Christine Evans. ruining my [ __ ] life monday dot-com.

folks the last ad I did here I said I. didn't know what the company was cuz I'm. a comedian and that's a joke I clearly. do you know what the company does I'm a. comedian as a comic you know I make. jokes but. it's a good service if you have a. business out there many of you do not. have a business many of you shouldn't. have a business you should not try to. have a business it will not work many of.

you know your own limitations and you. live within the parameters that you've. created for yourself in your own mind. many people tell you that those things. are not true I think good but some of. you are out there trying to create. something and some of you are creative. your your business minded you can do it. you should be your own boss you should. be independent you should not be filing. into an office like some drone you know. I'm making small talk about The Bachelor. while you sit at a soul-crushing.

job that doesn't care about you you. should do something on your own that's. what I'm doing I find it very fulfilling. most times and the great thing about. Monday comm okay is it as easy to stay. organized if you're starting your own. business. easy to find files looking through your. emails to find stuff is a nightmare I. hate doing that I have 2,000 emails. right now that are unread Monday comm. will organize everything in one place. you aren't wasting your time searching. for the things you need it creates.

accountability okay what's more annoying. than asking someone to do something and. never getting a response well I guess if. your kid had cancer and you didn't have. money and you couldn't get them the care. that they wanted that but other than. that what would be more annoying than. asking someone to do something and never. getting a response here's something that. might be annoying if an a guy that was.

running an international child. trafficking ring was about to testify. against prominent members of the. government and was found dead in his. cell and no one seemed to care but other. than that other than the kid with cancer. and other than Jeffrey Epstein what else. would be annoying asking somebody if. they did something and not getting. response are they working on it did they. never get the email did you never get. the email Donna are you just gonna say. that are you gonna literally look at me. and say that you never got the email you. fat slob that.

you gonna look at me right now in my. face my bloated Irish face and tell me. that you didn't get this done I told you. to do it. god damn it Donna what I hired you I. knew there'd be a problem but you're. friends of my brother he's a goddamn. loser. and I knew what I brought you in it. would be more the same so to avoid this. you get Monday calm this platform is. suitable for any sized team from two. freelancers working together me and Ben.

to thousands collaborating across the. globe Goldman Sachs or the app scene. paedophile Network how grab bet Jeffrey. FC would not have been caught if he used. Monday comm if Jeffrey I've seen used. Monday comm he would not be dead in his. jail cell he'd be on his island live in. life because he'd be easily able to. track emails and demand accountability. from his staff his lane wouldn't be. eaten in an out burger.

she'd be responding to emails gotta. check out Monday calm it is really good. listen it's what we're starting to use. it now it's a workplace management tool. we are now coordinating all of our. things the podcasts the videos my live. dates the website we're revving up we're. ramping up more people are liking what. we're doing we gotta get ready for it. it's easy to joke around because that's. what I do it's my job you see so it's. easy to joke around but one thing is not.

funny what's not funny is being a. [ __ ] failure and many of you will be. a failure if you don't figure out a way. to organize your business okay. so instead of email spreadsheets random. files whiteboards to-do lists post-it. notes Monday that come organizes and. tracks everything in one place okay. that's why I'm recommending Monday comm. and if you got a Monday that come slash. Jim they're gonna give you a free 14-day. trial no commitment you could check out.

Monday night comment see for yourself. how helpful their software is Monday. comm slash Tim there's no reason to not. sign up for a 14-day trial if you're a. struggling artist if you're comedian if. if you start if you have the band if you. are running an online business if you're. in sales or marketing to any degree if. you have clients if your people you want. to keep track of stuff if you have. ingoing and outgoing emails if you have. conference calls and meetings with.

people organize your [ __ ] man there. there's there's a reason that you don't. have the things that you want and it. often is because you're not organized or. gonna do it if I was organized I would. be so [ __ ] I wouldn't know anyone I know. right now I would not know anyone I know. this is the truth I'm gonna be honest. with you I was working if I taped every. set I wouldn't live where I live I. wouldn't have any of the friends I have. if I just taped every [ __ ] Sat put. him in a database like Monday comm could.

easily organize for me and I followed up. and I and I and I punched up the jokes. and the tags and I did everything I. would not know and I wouldn't know my. family I wouldn't know anyone I would. just be somewhere I don't know where I'd. be but it would be a hell of a lot. better than where I am and then my lack. of organization is literally the worst. thing about me I'm a hard worker and I. have some talent but I'm not organized. that's why I [ __ ] missed it dr. Drew. thing so I'm not [ __ ] organ it's a. perfect example of Monday comm if I had.

a reminder Bing you gotta be today 4. p.m. at dr. Drew I wouldn't have to lie. and embarrass myself and now probably. now banned from your mom's house so the. network not your mom's house I'm welcome. there any time. Wawa Monday dot-com slash Tim get a free. 14-day trial thank you goodbye I love. what people taking a tour their hometown. like you give a [ __ ] that's the place we.

you said drink in high school shut up. who gives a [ __ ]. tell me about real estate prices tell me. what's going on I don't care. your first boyfriend took you to this. cliff who gives a [ __ ]. unless it's interesting at least what I. take people around my hometown I'm like. that's where we did coke at 13 that's. where my parents marriage finally fell. apart. that's where I saw this they had a Latin.

Kings or one of the higher-ups get his. head hit with a 40 because they came in. and started trouble you know but you. know there's nothing worse than that. basic [ __ ] tour of life and this is. where you got the best pizza throw my. career away today cuz I'm [ __ ]. listening to where you used to get pizza. my whole [ __ ] now I'm [ __ ]. one of the biggest podcast in the.

country I can't go on it cuz I'm [ __ ]. taking a tour of Redondo Beach while she. tells me all these estates she's gonna. own yeah you're gonna have an estate. people are out of the bird it's 4. million that's not a lot of money is it. not well then can you lend it to me I. understand these people that are like. think big I get all of that think small.

folks think small I do get the idea of. why it's attractive to people to believe. in and the endless and endless. possibilities I get that I think an. element of that is very important but I. don't think you can OD on that delusion. is a drug you kind of need a little bit.

of it but you can overdose on it you. know comics that have OD Don delusion. you can see it they're kind of they kind. of look like they have wet frame like. hey man what's going on hey man date you. can feel it you go oh you stuck the. needle deep in you mainlined. delusion and now you're in your mid-30s. and you look Haggard and things are not.

good and you're bombing in a bar for 11. people and and you're talking to me. about Netflix. that what come again but you can you all. know those people that have just a deed. you got so you got it just every now and. then alittle delusions good I don't. think Christina's od'd on delusion but I. she's realistic she's she's good person.

you know I like her we can all do it we. can all D sometimes you got to rein it. in you got to rein your friends in. sometimes you start thinking you're. gonna be able to do all these things and. you're like let me just focus on one. [ __ ] thing don't focus on the house. that you're gonna buy when you do the. thing focus on the thing and then don't. worry about the [ __ ] house it's all. backwards you're got it backwards I just. want a house on a cliff yeah you know.

what everyone does everyone does. dum dum everybody that has ever lived. wants that you are not unique in that I. just want a beautiful seaside mansion so. all I want you to get course you do we. all do what can you do that other people. can't what is the thing that separates.

you from all the other people that want. that is it the work ethic is it the. ingenuity is it the tenacity what is it. but you know my dreams now. how'd you want to own a house I don't. even care where it is or what it looks. like I just want a home that's what I. want I don't care if I don't care. anymore I've been beaten down so much.

that my dreams are like what people my. my dreams are people's like safety. people like well if everything goes to. [ __ ] we can live like this that's my. dream that's my like best-case situation. I hear people's conversations like we're. [ __ ]. we can always buy a half a million. dollar house and just. I'm like you that's what I think I mean.

so you just can't main light you just. can't mainline the delusion folks you. need a little bit of it and then you'll. meet people with no delusion and that's. a problem too because they don't believe. in anything you don't believe in they. get and you meet these people that are. so married to their own unfortunate. circumstances I went out the other day. with some kid and it was just it was. just he was around and I went to this. costume shop with them nice kid wasn't a. date wasn't any of that younger guy I.

don't I say kid I don't mean like. Epstein kid young early 20s going out. platonic friend thing we go to the. steakhouse Musso and Frank's out in LA. only because it's by the costume shop I. was like I want to go in there I'm. trying I'm trying to eat like better. maybe I'll just have a steak and. whatever and the kid wouldn't shut up. and that I nice it was first was not. that nice it's very old and historic but. he's like this is the type of place that. like my parents would go to once a year.

and my grandfather would take me you. know place like there and I'm like we. get it you're trash week how much do you. want to beat this drum your garbage what. is this what is this where people have. absolutely no sense of yeah it's a. restaurant where they serve steak we get. it you've had a horrible life I don't. know what you want me to tell you it's. uncomfortable it's not cute you gotta be.

really hot if you're selling that you're. a trash bag you gotta be so [ __ ] hot. to sell that just simple like I don't. know about all these fancy places I. don't know about all these fancy. restaurant you gotta be just [ __ ] like. when people look at you they all want to. [ __ ] you if you sell that otherwise act. like you've been here before. act like you've been to a Steakhouse. before okay enough.

nobody's nobody I don't know what mark. of value you think you have. because you you've done nothing and. you've been around people that have. never done anything I have never been to. a place like this this is a place we go. to this is the nicest meal I'll have all. year we'll then kill yourself I I don't. what is this addiction to your. unfortunate circumstances are we.

supposed to applaud you then make. different choices dummy or don't maybe. you don't like it going out the nice. right it's fine you don't have to but. there's this pride now and having. nothing it's like this weird perverse. pride oh yeah see girl I got nothing. then get something or shut up and these. people are not systemic Lee. underprivileged people I'm not talking.

to people that have been [ __ ] over I'm. not talking epstein victims here I'm. talking to [ __ ] class people who've. chosen to be comedians who think it's. funny that they don't have a dollar they. think it's great it's not cute it's not. fun and it's your fault you're lazy go. get something a job preferably we all. work shitty jobs you know it's just this. weird like loyalty to [ __ ] I still.

get it well what are these people who. does that work on what does that work on. you go somewhere with somebody and. you're like this is a nicest place I've. ever been. what who's that work what am I supposed. to say well I feel great about this I. feel great I'm so happy that I took you. here no I'm embarrassed I'm with you now. I'm like like we shouldn't even be here.

that we should have just stolen that. homeless guys food he's asleep you could. have eaten that in the back of the. Oberer enough I'm sick of that there's a. lot of people to do that [ __ ] by the way. there's a lot of people that. like seem to like they they think it's. like liked it like that their lack of.

worldliness is something to be. celebrated they should be celebrated for. their ignorance of nice things no no you. should know you're not in the Peace. Corps. you haven't dedicated your life to help. like there's people like if somebody. said to me you know I haven't really. been to restaurants like this I've been. in Africa with a clean water project I'd. still look at them and go why but I.

would at least get it I understand but. there's too many people out there that. confuse their laziness with with that. they've been denied something or that. they've been disadvantaged somehow and. that rich people that all rich people. just get rich because she Ana Clause. deposits money and their [ __ ] pillow. it's not true now a lot of rich people. get rich you know by murdering and.

torturing raping maiming and Pibb but. that still stopped it I'm not saying. it's good but it's certainly not sitting. in a steak house and acting like I took. you to Taj Mahal or word Buckingham. [ __ ] palace I [ __ ] a lot. you know I mean let's not trash but a. young guy that I double recently came.

and uh came to the room of Domino's I. was at on the road. younger guy good-looking guy comes in. with Domino's to the hotel I'm like he's. like ordered his pizza yesterday and I'm. hungry so I brought it up and he's like. a homeless guy kind of chased me because. he wanted the pizza and I'm like God. what he's like I'm gonna be so mad if. you don't have a microwave I'm like you. wanted to microwave Domino's pizza. before we [ __ ] that's what you wanted to.

do you wanted to eat now after. absolutely but Waterhead will order. Domino's later I'm for that. it's mean you want to eat Domino's I. have to [ __ ] suck your dick while. you're eating Domino's it just doesn't. make any sense so I was like I'll get.

you dinner and I got him dinner and he. got to eat what every he's not a trashy. person he's like a cultured kid he's a. drummer whatever he drums he's drumming. he's a drummer percussionist but he's. from the mountains. he's from the mountains he lives in the. mound he's like well there he's an. interesting guy. smart kiddies but every guy like that. that's very thin every thin guy with a. very big dick from a rural area or a.

suburban area but let's you know not not. Beverly Hills let's just say it's you. know that type of guy for whatever. reason loves fettuccine alfredo they all. love fettuccine alfredo. it is like the white trash dish for. skinny guys with big dicks they love. eating fettuccine alfredo now most of my.

audience is male and let's keep it that. way but there are females out there that. are probably it's a joke. but there are females out there that. understand what I'm saying that have. gone out with a skinny guy with a big. dick and he gets fettuccine afraid I now. they did not have fettuccine alfredo on. the adult menu with this restaurant they. only had it on the child menu so I had. to order two child portions for this guy. to make one portion of fettuccine. alfredo for him you know it is what it.

is but again you know I'm not saying. that everybody has to like nice things. or nice restaurants or whatever okay. when I went out to the steak house and. the person was just continually. referencing that they had never been to. a place like this before and the day. were so impressed and I was just like if.

you act like you deserve nothing you'll. get nothing you know and then you start. realizing oh this [ __ ] shouldn't be. here this person should be a. jack-in-the-box or some other horror you. know it's not far as you get older it's. not cute and it's not fun to have been.

nowhere people that don't travel that. don't go anywhere that don't know. anything that have no other perspectives. what what is the point I was just down. in Hoover Alabama okay huntsville. alabama performing i performed at a. place called the stardome say legendary. comedy club because it's rough it is a. rough one many comics have had a tough. time there I had a tough time there it.

was a beast of a room it's like elderly. black people and then white evangelicals. from the backwoods of Alabama I used to. do all black rooms I like black rooms. this was not as much a black room this. is a country room. be good it was like a lot of crowd work. a lot of riffing off the top but you. know I'm making fun of brunch in Alabama. they don't have [ __ ] brunch they. don't have it they do not have brunch.

they have ten buffets they do not have. brunch doesn't exist so the frame of. reference on some of the jokes doesn't. really work I'm talking about TAC I'm. doing jokes about TAC moving into cities. guess where tech ain Hoover Alabama so. they're like it doesn't work it's not my. fault it's not their fault just frame a. rat you know it just is what it is but. it's like you travel you see different. [ __ ] I stay in the Courtyard Marriott.

Courtyard married it's not just buying. shitty hotels and putting the married. name on them and you know hotels are. shitty when they have the popcorn. ceilings and when the the motel walls. are like that that sand paint you know. what I mean to hide the the structural. problems with the wall to hide how. [ __ ] up the wall is they have that. sand paint you know and it's like you. put your fingers over it and you feel. and when you're laying there you're. laying in the bed and the beds never.

gray you're looking up at the ceiling. and the popcorn ceiling and you're. wondering how many hookers have laid in. that exact spot hoping that a John. didn't flip the [ __ ] out and choke them. to death you know. in Hoover Alabama how many [ __ ]. John's have [ __ ] some some dude some. [ __ ] guy from their church group. while their wife thinks they're out. taking a jog and some guys sucking them.

off in a Courtyard Marriott how many. people's lives just the absolute horror. of people's lives how many and by the. way worse much worse than those two. images is me after a gig at the stardome. asking.

why if it's called room service do I. have to go to the lobby and get it. that's the saddest image of them all me. going let me ask you a question. she goes what we don't have anyone to. run it up I go well you have you don't. you have you I got a beer for people to. check in honey honey honey no one's. checking in let's lock the doors and. let's call it a night everybody that's. here everyone that needs to be here is.

here now. that's the road man and and it's it's. it's III thank everybody came out in. Huntsville Alabama I don't think I think. four people came out in Hoover Alabama. for four to seven fans of mine that. looked terrified. you know folks I thought a lot today. about I was on the beach I was in. Manhattan Beach I was swimming in the.

Pacific Ocean and it was beautiful and I. was staring out I was looking at the. hills do not quite mountains but there. may be bare mountainous and I was just. kind of floating on my back and I was. looking up at the sky and it's just. beautiful the Pacific Ocean is beautiful. and I was looking around me at all this. natural beauty and I had a thought I. said to myself I said I wish I was in a.

dark room online scrolling that's what I. realized. I said who the [ __ ] wants to waste their. goddamned time in the natural world the. natural world is a waste of time.

everything that is not the Internet is. fake the virtual world is now the real. world it's actually the other way around. it's inverse. it's the upside down and stranger things. has become the right-side up nothing. valuable happens outside of a digital. community nothing I don't care about. your baby. I don't care about your father that died. I don't care about the bird you saw that.

landed on your deck I don't care I don't. care about your kids first day school. unless I see it in a high-resolution. photo on your personal website that's. Brandon then I care that I'm with it if. I just happen upon it I don't give a. [ __ ] it doesn't matter to me okay. I want it organized I want to see it on. my time I'm not talking about social.

media that's amateur hour I'm talking. about a website that you've built. yourself using wix.com a website that. where if you don't want to design it. their artificial design intelligence. which ad I will design it for you answer. a few simple [ __ ] questions can't you. do that can't you answer a few simple. [ __ ] questions and they'll design the. site for you and if you want to have. more input they have 500 stunning. templates that you can choose from to.

create a website that's visually. appealing and functional okay because if. I can't go to a place to find out what. you're doing I don't want to see you in. real life I don't want to see you across. the table from me at a restaurant I. don't want to hear about I want you to. write a story about your mother's battle.

with cancer and I want to read about it. while I'm eating cereal at two o'clock. in the morning I don't want to hear you. tell me about it while you have [ __ ]. fish breath do you understand human. interaction is a. Oh fer we don't need it soon sex dolls. are coming and we'll have will have some. type of breeding banks for new people we.

don't need this constant we just need. people to [ __ ] put some [ __ ] time. into having a brand and put it on your. site oh you know my might you know what. happened to my cousin no I don't record. a video telling the story and embed it. in your Wix ID and I'll watch it I don't. want to see you in person I don't care. but if I'm online. I might go to your site I might buy.

something post a link to something that. I can buy maybe I'll buy it maybe I'll. buy a mug from you but not if I see you. with one I want I want to do it on my. time my schedule Wix calm what's what do. we what are we doing here / what Tim. Dylan's going to hell you go yeah this. is the big thing you gotta go to Tim. Dylan's gonna hell calm look at the site. that was made using Wix Tim Dylan's.

going to help calm scroll to the bottom. of the site click on the things very. cheap it's like 15 a month for a website. if you need a website. there's no cheaper than this that will. look professional telling you something. you need a website somebody need a gun. but some you need a website so if you. scroll to the bottom of Tim Dylan's. going to hell calm you click on the link. it'll give you $10 off any of their. premium plans 10% off 10% off any of.

their premium plans okay so that you can. stop hiking stop cut the [ __ ] out get. online we're all online folks stay. online stay online there is no salvation. outside of this box that's it. TV's dead it's all over your family's. over you friends hate you get online. sell you.

sell you seashells online see who will. buy him Irish women will use them as. ashtrays it's the best you can hope for. actually could hope for sell some. seashells online some fat Irish broad. will use it as an ashtray that's the. most you gonna get out of this life. some people gonna lie to you I'm not. gonna lie to you I'll tell you you ain't. you ain't getting much more than that. okay piggy.

oink go to go to the site get the plan. don't [ __ ] around here if you don't buy. these plans you're gonna have to start. watching Stephen Colbert you want to do. that you want to watch Stephen Colbert. talk about Trump being orange for an. hour and to watch Pepsi drink Coke. here's Stephen Colbert good go do that. go do that go live in that nightmare go. watch Jimmy Fallon you know play pool.

with Kermit watch Jimmy Fallon go to. [ __ ] uh go to Applebee's with Miss. Piggy and cardi B or whatever the hell. they're doing go watch that you want. that what that is your entertainment. maybe deserve that maybe deserve that. like some fat hog from Ohio okay is that. what you want a big fat slob from. Galveston Texas who's full of crawfish. mac and cheese you want that the life.

you want no you don't go by the Wix plan. goodbye I mean these are big boys and. girls in Alabama these are big boys and. girls this is why I'm trying to lose. weight now because I don't understand. there's no end game I mean there was. this comedian Sophie Haig and it doesn't. show Edinboro she's a fat activist she. was one that threw a fit when Amy. Schumer had that movie the last movie.

she did where she fell on her head I. forgot trainwreck no that was three. movies ago yeah I'm glad see this is. good whenever producers with it helps. the show uh I feel pretty it was a. this thing Amy did she fell on her head. this chick through a thick Jamie was not. fat enough for these women she's not fat. enough. she was [ __ ] Amy's not that fat so I get. it whatever and this chick does this. whole thing about being fat and I'm. watching some of it and she's like how I.

learned to love my fat body and it's. like okay listen I'm not saying not to. love your body she's like I was eating a. burger and fries and these three. teenagers started to fill me and I'm. like okay well [ __ ] them they're pieces. of [ __ ]. nobody should film anybody you should. not abuse fat people you shouldn't do. any of that you should have [ __ ] beat. those three teenagers up you know with. her body mass I imagine that it would be. a pretty fair fight I think she could. probably really give them a run for. their money. um if not win handily but then it always.

goes too far like it always goes too far. were you like hey I'm not less healthy. yes you are you can you feel less. healthy it's something that you can feel. you don't have to go to a doctor to find. out and look you see where it ends it's. like drugs. it ends up by 600-pound life that's the. end. those people are less healthy they can't.

move they sit on pillows and then people. just feed them and somehow their gap. boyfriends and husbands into getting. laid these all right people talking. about these school shooters are kind of. decent-looking a lot of these shooters. I'm like I'd suck off anybody who's not. a mass shooting really in the last in. the last decade I would absolutely get. face-fucked why anyone who's done a mass. shooting in the last ten years what's. the problem.

there'd be God how many of these mass. shooters. to feel guilty about jerking off I have. the idea of that I save him mass. shooting that I save like there's just. one of these creepy guys about to shoot. something up and then I meet him and I. just suck him so good that he just kills. me and then himself. and that's my dream and no one will know. that I the 20 people in a Walmart are.

now safe just put a star on the wall. like the CIA Morial you'll never know my. name just a star on the wall I just you. know took some dick to the throat and. Hoover Alabama so that one guy won't go. out there now and shoot up and he just. goes [ __ ] what a great [ __ ] but now I. should just kill this guy in myself and. I'm like I don't have to I don't have to. do the Improv lab next week he goes nope. I got oh okay.

and that's something that I've always. dreamed of and I'm gonna refresh my. email let's see if the guy from the. Booker from your mom's house has not. gotten back to me. I gotta think that's a bad sign now I. don't know I've been your producer of a. podcast you you you inhabit this world. now how do you how do you think this. person feels I'm gonna get a secret how. do you think this person feels about.

what happened today. [ __ ] you were an hour late you didn't. respond for a whole hour. they were definitely checking your. Instagram and they saw the post for sure. and they thought oh [ __ ] this guy. absolutely [ __ ] this guy you get the. matches yeah yes Ben I believe that all. to be the case but as somebody who's a. do you do you say how do you do you. laugh about it do you say Tim is a funny.

guy he's a funny guy and he's a wacky. guy do you maybe bring me in to berate. me and have drew berate me for being a. lawyer is that not nice I bet that would. be hilarious but I. but dr. Drew's probably a guy that his. time is very valuable so who knows who. did you see who they pulled in by the. way did they pull in somebody who I. didn't look I don't think they're.

recording live cuz Jessa we just did one. and hers is gonna come out later on. I bet drew was pissed I bet he was mad. cuz he's sitting there he drove all the. way up to what Reseda it sent in traffic. to [ __ ] I can't control where people. go Ben okay I can't control where people. go I told you I had a [ __ ] emergency. my mother got out of her institution and. wound up in Manhattan Beach now I was.

shocked when the people of my mother's. mental institution called me about your. mother is on the run again I said how. far did she get out back they said no. she's been sighted in Manhattan Beach by. the 10th Street Beach which is beautiful. you should go and try to find her in the. water and then when I got to the 10th. Street Beach they said I think she's at. captain trips fish market why don't you. go there and if she's not there at least.

try the black and salmon and the lobster. roll and the macaroni salad which were. phenomenal. and then I got the captain trips and. they go she might be at the Trump golf. course so this [ __ ] I'm trying to get. her with a big match she's a big woman. now sit sit emerge and say god I am so. [ __ ] bad. I am so banned they're never had. me back I never had me back. I am done I am so done but that's what.

it is man that's where you gotta get. good at lying you gotta get good at it. like when you go to a restaurant and. it's the nicest restaurant you've ever. been to you go oh yeah this reminds you. of a place I went to last week cuz I. hang I can hang you're the best [ __ ]. liar dude you've you're very talented. that's obvious. thank you but but today I [ __ ] up the. biggest talent is lying I've seen you. get out of so many [ __ ] situations so.

many talk about that one in Long Island. remember that we went to go see that mob. Happel can I say the name of that guy I. guess I yeah okay any ocean right yeah. he was this guy that lived in my town. that The Sopranos is based on he ran a. family in New Jersey you know so Tim's. taking your getting a Netflix half-hour. before me by the way thanks a lot for no. offer my 50 minutes was good [ __ ] no. offer thanks a lot everybody over there. so we pull up to Vinny oceans house. which is Lobos art this year is kind of. believable.

I hope it's within the realm of. believability because that shows about. as believable as me having an emergency. today so so we're driving across Long. Island and I'm I never worried about. being in the car with you even though. your license is proven unanswered many. times I know what I'm doing I just know. you have a life prepared if you get. pulled oh I haven't had a license in. five years I don't plan on getting one I. just ate and me have never seen eye to.

eye it's not for me. like I parked you're doing was hard my. fingers you can't park it's not for me. these rules enough for me I don't. subscribe to this I don't care I don't. care. I'll leave I'll move I move out of this. thing he's like 'no no this is. alternate-side no today's not the day I. go oh today is the day today is. absolutely the day we park here cuz my. show is right there today's the day and. we parked and it's fine there was no. ticket boom I get bagged very rarely why.

I hate to say it it's an unfair world I. look like a dad. like on the copy my kids are all dead so. go into that I'm sorry so we're driving. and and we pull into which you always. told me was down the street from your. childhood house but Tony Soprano's house. is down the street legit yeah with. Vinnie Ocean and you we pulled up looks. legit just like hunt David Chase had and.

The Sopranos as soon as we pull in we. pull you pull and waits you far because. you were bad at using the shifting from. driving to reverse very bad if we go a. little too far and I pull my camera out. and then I start taking a picture and as. soon as I take a picture some dude in a. wife beater and shorts busts out the. front yeah what the [ __ ] y'all doing. were y'all doing no you're doing black. he's Italian oh we know how do you do. you're doing you're doing black you do.

what's y'all doing let's secure what are. you doing. that was that that was that you doing. black so he comes up to my side of the. window I believe and I start looking at. my phone trying to think I'm like I. should just pretend I'm on a Google Maps. yeah you're no help but they said you. know you go I should have put my phone. you make it worse you like make it where. you look guilty you seem guilty and I. just looked at them and I like start. yelling at him like I don't know where. I'm going. look where am I going we gotta get we. gotta get out we have to get off the.

island. let's go get off the island and now he's. confused clearly from Long Island but. I'm clearly from Long Island. I'm clearly I'm clearly from New York. how do I get I've never been here before. I'm familiar bama the guy sure but but. he was just thrown completely he was so. confused I think he do you were lying. but he was just like it you got to go. that way to get out okay and then it. took you like two minutes to like get it. into reverse.

yeah get out of there but clearly a. member of the family. yeah probably you know I I've tried to. lie with care you know. today was a day when sometimes we caught. some time when I when I saw that email I. said I [ __ ] up. I [ __ ] up today I should have. remembered I forgot some times I'll. forget you ever just totally forget I. totally forgot the original date was.

next week they moved it to Friday I. totally forgot. as soon as Christine said let's go to. the beach I was like oh that's fun we'll. go do that and I totally didn't think. mmm about it and I'm ashamed I'm ashamed. that I didn't but the Instagram story. was already up I was ready [ __ ] it's. kind of already [ __ ] you ever what were. you called me and you were just laughing. you just couldn't when the Instagram. shows up cuz it's an interesting thing. now that the stories are what do you do.

you gotta be really good you almost go. do i do what do i do do i go full honest. single I just totally forgot I'm so. sorry and profusely apologize I could. have done that that might have been the. better move here too profusely apologize. hey I forgot although I think that's as. bad I think that's as bad yes oh that. seems like the best option here cuz. you're a [ __ ] nobody respects first of.

all I wouldn't have this story I. wouldn't had a great laugh I don't. really give a [ __ ] either way [ __ ]. care like go on and get psychoanalyze by. [ __ ] dr. Drew for an hour. give us a [ __ ] I mean he would be nice. he'd be fun I do want to do Tom. Christina show I am upset you know but. here's the thing yes. you're right in this situation honesty. was probably the best policy but you.

know it's like somebody there was that. quote maybe Willie Nelson then I forget. whose quota was the nightlife ain't the. right life but it's my life you know I. just said maybe if I just said I had an. emergency maybe the word emergency see. that you got to send that at 3 p.m. mm-hmm you can't send it an hour later. even if at 4:08 I had sent that before I.

put the story up I would have been okay. it was the hour later the emergency so. there you have it folks but that's what. the government is doing right now with. Epstein mm-hmm they don't care they. don't care that it doesn't make any. sense they don't care they always useful. idiots at Vox and all this but the Wall.

Street Journal just wrote this whole. article about Lex Wesner Lex. Wester Leslie Wexner who's Jeffrey. Epstein's money guy he owns Victoria's. Secret and I love like there's a quote. in the Wall Street Journal article it's. like how could a man who sold blue jeans. to women and all these things to women. how could he end up financially. bankrolling some guy that ended up. taking advantage of women how could this. happen and he's trying to realize are.

the people in the press complicit or are. they literal retards what is it are they. literal cuz anybody in that Alabama. audience would be like I don't know. maybe he's [ __ ] kids like any dumb. hick who you explained this story to. would very easily be like um maybe there. are [ __ ] kids together and that's why. he gave him that townhouse and all that.

[ __ ] money. but these people that write these. articles went to like you Penn Yale and. Harvard and they don't seem to be able. to put it together that maybe the. relationship is a little pathological. it's a little nefarious they're like. Express. learned a blessing that was a whole. article let's learn the lesson about. trusting too much I swear to God get the. Wall Street Journal article up less. learned a lesson about you just can't. les his father told them Leslie tall.

you're too trusting and kind that's what. I think what I meet billionaires I think. they're too trusting and kind that's my. first thought when I when I meet a. billionaire read read what this says. trusting Jeffrey Epstein taught a retail. legend a hard lesson. be careful whom you trust who is writing. this I mean literally Hillary Clinton. who is writing these articles maybe it.

looks like you folks kids hmm. but they'll do people that don't look. like if like every elderly person looks. evil you know most elderly not all of. them I'm like Native Americans they. don't like elderly white guys it's so. easy to just point out Lee white guy be. like a demon but who is writing these or. like less wexter gave this [ __ ]. a seventy million dollar town house how. how nice you have to be how dumb and.

nice you have to be you know less gave. him a town house and all this money for. an island and you know what Jeffrey did. with that money he bought all this. recording equipment and a whole bunch of. kids but kill him it do you know what he. did less gave him this big beautiful. townhouse in Manhattan and can you. imagine the Jeffrey use that to throw. child orgies man les was shocked and les.

had no clue because as a billionaire you. don't have any resources you can't hire. private detectives ex-mossad CIA people. you can't hire the paramilitary teams to. follow this [ __ ] you have no clue. what's going on. you're just a billionaire a folksy old. billionaire who has no clue what's this. Internet who is writing these [ __ ]. articles.

I'm really starting to be like because. if you would explain this to anyone at. Golden Corral he would said hey if you. would motion to somebody at Golden. Corral you know eating a yeast roll. wearing a hospital gown which is what. people wear there they wear hospital. gown and Hospital socks there because. it's the first step many of them go. right after they get out of and then. they go right back to the corrals right. back to the ER it's like a it's like a.

circle if you had said to them you know. you know the pedophile that just got. caught with all that money some old guy. gave him all that money and wasn't this. guy wasn't a specific guy wasn't really. a genius I mean I think he dropped out. of college he got some math teacher job. at Dalton or whatever but he gave them. all that [ __ ] money everybody would. go oh oh yeah they're in cahoots. something's wrong I bet yeah I bet.

but people were writing the Wall Street. Journal this ludes them and some other. people that read their [ __ ] go yeah poor. Leslie Wexner he just got taken for a. ride there was a show called The Music. Man a play that I was in when I was a. little kid were like this guy who like. barely knows how to teach music comes in. to different towns and like cons. everybody and that's what they're acting. like Epstein did he's just some con.

artist some human trafficker con artists. it just shows up in a town and he. somehow gets the better of all these. billionaires that just don't have a clue. they don't have a clue Chris Matthews. that fat clump of Irish soda bread on. MSNBC who i watch occasionally cuz he. looks like my uncle he's a sputtering. like a good mother adorable Chris. Matthews suggested and I swear to God. that politicians are too poor to travel.

and that they need people like Geoffrey. I've seen because he had a plane and. that's why they knew him he goes you. know these politicians they make you. know they have all these. friendships with these with these bad. characters cause a person's got a plane. in these politicians are making 150. grand a year and they just can't travel. so they I gotta get you to hahahaha. we're talking about Bill Clinton Chris.

he didn't have the money to travel Chris. and the rest of these politicians. they're not broke you're full of [ __ ]. that's a lie. well these politicians because I know so. your your your angle is that they just. needed frequent flyer miles and that's. why they had to take this guy's plane. there's no other billionaires with. planes right just Jeff that's it you.

tell me that none of these politicians. could I don't know get the CEO United on. the [ __ ] phone and get a few cops. what a [ __ ] are they going. but it's this nobody nobody wants so. much wondering I'm like are we watching. are we watching like full panic mode. right now where you have these agencies.

like the CIA and the Mossad who've been. blackmail. people forever they've been using sexual. blackmail forever they've been using. assets like Jeffrey Epstein forever. they've been involved in bringing drugs. into the country forever they've been. involved in trafficking human.

trafficking for a very long time they've. been involved in all of these things but. they seem to be I mean you got to. remember imagine this story without the. internet dude [ __ ] imagine this cuz. it was the Franklin scandal the Franklin. scandal was this exact story without the. internet they took a girl who told the. truth just like this Virginia Godfrey. did about obscene and they threw in. solitary confinement for two [ __ ]. years which is torture that's two grand.

juries in Omaha we needed to cover up. the Franklin scandal because there was. no internet nobody gave a [ __ ] okay it. was not salacious it was not in the news. and what you ended up happening was was. just a massive cover-up. swept into the rug and they stacked. bodies carry Cara Dori who was the. private investigator who supposedly got. photos got got the blackmail photos that. incriminated people his plane ended up.

breaking up with his eight-year-old son. small plane and that have blown up one. body William Colby CIA director at one. point who was looking into this also. ended up dead in his canoe and many many. other people this girl that was in. solitary confinement her brother ended. up dying they stacked bodies to prevent. this from coming out now with the. Internet we've already seen one body. you've already got apps teen they're.

like well the New York Attorney General. said it's a suicide it's like oh well. all right. case closed they've already said. bones broken in the neck or more. consistent with strangulation they were. by the way not only should Alex Jones be. back on social media he should be given. ABC World News Tonight he should be he. should be given ABC World News Tonight I. don't know what to tell people I mean it.

is what it is I'm sorry about the Sandy. Hook [ __ ] that's not good but let's stop. let's stop this the mainstream press. only exists to cover the tracks of these. people I don't know what else you need. you read these articles and you're like. how dumb are these people you can't be. that stupid. you can't have gone all these good. school I mean it's amazing I mean what I. meet people that are elites and I know a.

few people have gone to schools like. that that are in circles like that and. they're stunningly ignorant they're. stunningly ignorant and that's why the. top 10 percent of these people that are. truly nefarious and our true operators. can really can really because they you. know they think the best of these people. and they are able to manipulate people. because a lot of the people that are. true elitism keeps you in a bubble you. don't you don't understand the way.

things happen you don't understand a lot. of the things that people that were. sitting in the stardome in Hoover. Alabama understand because you are. you've been at the top of everything. your entire life and everything's come. very easy to you and you've never had to. look at anything from another angle and. you've never had to be deeply suspicious. and and you've never had to put things. together and your critical thinking. faculties are not as well-formed as. [ __ ] people that may have been.

railroaded by the cops or a shady. prosecutor in a small [ __ ] town and. you're like well I've had the money in. the legal power to get away with. everything and you know I've always. gotten a fair shake and a fair deal talk. to black people they don't have a hard. time believing any of this because. they've been dealt with unfairly by the. system their entire life so they go yeah. this is what have you there's lying they. make [ __ ] up. doesn't matter but like these lily-white. [ __ ] that are writing these articles. I like I don't understand why you see.

Series C cast that's weird that's weird. dumb [ __ ] very sad today about the. emergency that I had to prevented me. from going on the dr. Drew show it is. tragic development let's talk briefly. about the patreon page Ron is launched.

it is here it is live it is real it is. actual what the patron is is a way for. people to support the show if there are. two levels or two tiers um but at the $5. left we didn't want to do a million. tears we know there's patrons with 75. tears you know hey if you donate this. will read your first name if you donate. this will read your full name stop stop.

anybody want that anybody want to hear. that show where I'm like thanks Tommy. Oh Lachlan from Seaford New York if you. need to hear you name read on the. [ __ ] show go [ __ ] yourself. literally get a [ __ ] life you sick. [ __ ] this is an odd way to get into it. but we have to tears are we promising to. read names before I go oh no no no okay.

we might we might have been in which. case I would have to walk that back a. little you know which I would say I. guess but we're not doing that [ __ ]. we're not doing that nobody wants that. I'm not doing that. I do you need that do you need that you. big baby. you need me to read your name every like. a baby like you go. that's that's me that's me cut it out um.

we have two tiers at the $5 tier okay. and I'm talking to you YouTube you pigs. all your [ __ ] comments and I read. occasionally okay five dollars you get. one extra episode a week some of those. would be interviews some of them will be. episodes like this they'll be on patreon.

you will also get all of the archives. from the show that I did with Ray Kampf. how many episodes I like a hundred forty. about a hundred four hundred and forty. audio archives interviews with Nick. Brian is the foremost expert on sex. trafficking as it results to the. political class russ Baker buncha Mark. Kelly ah T who wrote the great book.

about the Russian mafia called the. Voorhis um you know Michele McPhee wrote. a book about the Boston bombing we have. John Q Yakub CIA agent who came on we. have a lot of comics like Bobby Kelly. Dan Soder Colin Quinn all of these are. in the archives and then a lot of great. episodes with me and Ray just a lot of. great episodes with me and Ray 100 and. how many about 140 140 audio archives. for you at five dollars a month mmm so.

it's an extra episode every single week. of this show but we're gonna get some. great guests on and and a lot of the. episodes will be just out having fun and. then some of the episodes will have. guests also uh and the first type of. page that episode is crazy it's really. crazy we have a lot of fun we let loose. I let loose. I imagine Bill and Hillary the morning. of the epstein death and it's kind of. beautiful we might put out a highlight.

from that a clip from that we should so. you have that now for $20 a month. because that's the way the world is now. it's the haves and have-nots. twenty dollars a month which is a lot. you're going to get everything that the. other people get which is the extra. episode a week the audio archives you're. also going to get longer videos of those. desk videos that I do you're going to. get the long versions of them and we're.

also gonna start making special videos. just for patreon like we're gonna make. fun videos just for patreon you're also. going to get an email or you can. correspond with the show we will answer. you you can suggest topics you can. suggest interviews you can suggest. things we will get back to you we'll. talk to you you know you know it'll be. interactive oh you know we want you to. kind of help steer the show to. reasonable extent okay we know who some.

of you're gonna want on we know I know. already I know what you want I know it's. something you're gonna want we know so I. know it's um if I paid twenty dollars. can David Duke come up now no David Duke. cannot come on if you paid twenty. dollars that's not enough money now I. will say this there was a thousand. dollar tier if you give me a grand will. I interview David Duke probably not get.

it I'm not gonna agree with him I'll. probably I'll fire back at some of what. he says but for a G if you want to venmo. me a grand I'll probably interview David. Duke and I'll send it to you you know I. know that you know probably my agents. not gonna love that. there's thousand box grant no one's. doing that you know if you give me a. hundred thousand dollars.

I'll have David Duke on every episode of. this show every single episode of this. show he'll be the co-host of the show if. you give me $100,000 you'd be the. co-host in this show. you know but that's yet listen if you. want to support the show we appreciate. it if you can't you don't have the money. keep telling people to listen keep. telling people to uh you know I'm gonna.

I'm supposed to be on doctored reverse. you're never excited about that and just. look out for that one. hold your breath those are the tears $20. tear you really love the show you really. want to support as much as you can you. look at the longer version of the desk. videos you'll get you'll get I don't. know how many of you will probably do. two or three videos a month just for the. patreon will also do the regular videos.

that we put a minute or two minutes out. those videos are much longer and there's. a lot of funny stuff that gets caught. there's a lot of funny stuff that gets. cut those are five minutes sketches and. even more and you'll get all of that. stuff and it's really funny stuff that. just doesn't make it it either can't go. on Instagram because of content or. because of time restrictions and you'll. get all that stuff and then hopefully. this builds to where we're doing our own. thing and we're producing things that.

are actually funny and that you're gonna. watch those and you know this will be. you know people go oh this is what SNL. should be make it what SNL is you know. if we have the resources to do more than. [ __ ] we're gonna do as much of it as we. humanly possibly can and you guys help. us out it is what it is but I mean the. big corporate owned places are gonna. keep doing that safe [ __ ] and there's.

nothing we can really do about that. other than do what we're doing and the. way to really throw a scare into those. corporate places again if you can't. donate money fine but it's just keep. telling people about the show keep. sharing those videos keep keep building. that because that's the only way these. people are gonna [ __ ] notice and. they're starting to notice they're. starting to notice that our engagement. is so much higher than the [ __ ] that. they're spending so much money to. produce people really like it people are.

really into it if. you keep you know sharing that stuff. it'll be great you know I mean that's. what that's really the solution you know. is there anything else we should say. about the patreon patreon.com / the Tim. Dylan show that's how to find it that's. the URL right there and if you want to. find the archives when you're on the. patreon because they're gonna get buried. under all the stuff we're gonna post. just search archives I put a tag on all. of them that's archive or archives so. just search that and you can find the.

whole list of every episode tim has done. with write and also if you want to hear. my episode with dr. drew you have to. really look I don't know when it's. coming out I feel bad I feel bad but. what can I do other than apologize other. than say in the future I'm gonna come up.

with a better lie mm-hmm in the future. I'm gonna spin a yarn that makes. everything make sense. you know nothing worse than an. experienced liar when you strike out. it's nothing worse very sad you know you. know we're living in a time right now.

where. to be sane in this climate is the surest. way to go crazy like that's really what. you start to realize is that by design. is that happenstance she's laying. Maxwell's eating in and out. reading spy novels Jeffrey Epstein in.

protective custody kills himself before. he's about to testify they want you to. know that they don't care that there's. nothing that they can't do they will. never get caught they'll never be found. out this has been going on a lot long I. don't want a black pill everybody I. don't want people to be upset because. there is certainly there are options you.

know and there are different ways. history can go and we've seen that but. right now you're you're you're seeing. how much they can [ __ ] you in your face. they're [ __ ] you in your face and no. one I mean people are upset about it but. the level of outrage is nowhere near.

what it should be um and I think that. what this is like a little stress task. to it I mean they had to do it so it's. not like a stress test in the sense that. there was another option they had to do. this especially if this this this is a. billion bit multi billion dollar a year. industry human trafficking. all these rich fox need to know that. it's never getting now we're never. getting caught you know don't worry.

about it it's never get now will never. happen. CIA Mossad they're they they they they. that's why like you know you can think. whatever you want a bit immigration or I. think you need it but you can't have. open borders there's got to be a policy. there's got to be a system which makes. me to some people a card-carrying SS. member and to other people it's not. nearly conservative enough because we. shouldn't have any immigrants oh I want. I want to do every job do you but my.

favorite I mean Ray used to laugh about. this you know you know the people that. really against immigration they would. always say this which I love this is my. favorite other than pretend to care. about blacks which was hilarious. remember that all the conservatives were. like well then how a black people. getting at work it's like oh that's rich. that's really that your that's that's. the angle uh my favorite saying the of.

the pro-immigration crowd was this they. go we're a nation of laws we're a nation. of laws nope nope no we're not no we're. not we're not we have laws sure you know. we're not a nation of laws that's insane.

we're a nation of some people being. above the law and then other people. covering up and covering the tracks for. those people we're not a nation of laws. those laws aren't apply evenly and to. think that they are you have to be so. ignorant of history it's kind of. hilarious we're a nation of laws if you. don't if you. don't have the law on your side you know. everything's by the book here is it is. it. Jeffery Epstein's dead just laying.

Maxwell's eatin animal style fries why. isn't this [ __ ] in cuffs. is it cuz we're a nation of laws is that. what it is how long have we done hour. and a half yeah oh god it's too long how. do the ads it's gonna be so [ __ ] long. company over here Tim de la comédie calm. please come to see me at good night's. comedy club in Raleigh which is coming.

up August 22nd to the 24th I'm excited. to be there it's a great club stress. factory in New Jersey September 5th. through the 7th go bananas in Cincinnati. later that month please buy tickets tag. your friends in the social media post. tell them they should go the schedules. that I put up every week in LA or on. Instagram usually for my spots at the. improv of the Comedy Store if you want. to come out locally I'm gonna do some.

headlining stuff in New York City the. fall I'm gonna run some time that I have. there at the stand comedy club and. restaurant I'm gonna come back probably. in October to do a half hour a new half. hour material there if not maybe a. little more in 45 minutes we'll see. we'll do a headlining set there might do. a lot of podcast there as well so and. I'm also I'm going to do my tour bus.

show one final time for the New York. Comedy Festival this year in November. where I take a double-decker tour bus to. New York City all these wealthy areas. pass Jeffery Epstein's house and we talk. about all of the fun stuff like you know. all the stuff all the good stuff you. know you don't really hear on any other. tour all these fun people and how. they've made their money. poisoning rivers you know you know best.

case so that's. about an hour an hour and 15 minute hour. and 20 minute show on the top of an open. double-decker tour bus we're gonna do. about five of them this is the last time. I'm gonna be doing that I started it in. 2016. I've done it every year I've done it. three years in a row this will be the. fourth year and kind of the final year. we were probably gonna tape it maybe.

it'll become something maybe I'll sell. it as a special maybe not but it's the. last year that I'm gonna do that I love. doing it but it's time to retire it but. it is one of the funnest coolest. craziest things that I do and it's. something that you know it's an. experience that you can't really get. anywhere else. you know I might do it in LA I've always. wanted to do it in LA it works much. better in New York just the way the city. is set up and structured it's much.

better so if you want to get tickets to. that Tim Dylan comedy that Tom color Tim. Dylan comedy dot-com you can sign up. there's an email list and we email you. 24 hours before the tickets go on sale. the general public now obviously it's. [ __ ] August you got a while to go but. if you email that if you if you sign up. for that email list we shoot you out an. email 24 hours before tickets go on sale. to the general public you can you're. pretty much guaranteed to get tickets if.

you act quickly if you check your email. check out three days later but because. you know it's 50 seats or 60 seats on. each bus it's not a lot of seeds. probably like 55 seats and I do five of. them no this is not a ton of people that. are gonna get to see this we're talking. in the low hundreds of people that are. kind they always sell out and people. really enjoy them and it's just a lot of. fun so that is something that'll be.

happening to will hit you with more. details and look out for my episode that. I did today with dr. drew dr. drew after. dark was really fun I enjoyed it it was. great I think you enjoyed it too and. when that comes out I'll let you know. about it we'll post it on social media. thanks. much.