160 - The Ballad of The Fat Girl With The Clean Car

hi I'm Timmy the trashcan and I love. trash. [Music]. they all taste so good instead of. throwing your trash on the floor won't. you please give it to me thank you for. considering your fellow patrons welcome. to the Tim Dylan show everybody this is. Tim Dylan we're joined as always or. usually by the great David Costa it's up.

to thank you for coming to San Diego. where I am having a great weekend here. at American comedy company in San Diego. a city of very attractive if a little. bit [ __ ] people they are very. attractive and the shows have been. excellent people have been coming out. and we're having a lot of fun and. actually they're not that stupid I mean. they're probably stupid but not in the. club they've been getting all the jokes. and you know I mean I'm I'm I'm pumped.

about that thank God I had a friend and. I was like you know some of the people. you know San Diego's not the brightest. city you know and my friends like you. know working out being healthy that's so. also it's a different kind of. intelligence and I'm like I know that. dummy what I'm saying is that that. doesn't help me if I'm making [ __ ]. jokes what reference is that people. don't understand right that's the. problem I'm not saying that [ __ ]. following you know a rigid keto diet.

isn't some evidence of intelligence and. reason I get that okay I'm with you. all right I'm not taking away all their. [ __ ] accomplishments I get that. discipline requires some level of mental. dexterity I'm with you I'm saying that. if I make a joke about something and you. stare at me like you're brain dead I. don't care how good you look it doesn't.

really help have you did you when you. were doing stand-up did you ever come. down here yeah yeah a lot it's kind of. the place to go for stage time in LA and. how did you find it I didn't like it why. did you not like it there. you like what you're saying they're kind. of dumb people you got a you got a they. want crowd work and like talk about how. drunk people are right that type of [ __ ]. kind of a daft crowd but there's. something nice about the city here. because they don't I haven't seen any of. these pseudo-intellectual pretend.

artists I know that is nice yeah they. don't have any of that it's [ __ ]. military athletic people you know they. got the life here they're not trying to. worry about any nonsense yeah you know. some real bar fights here people beating. each other's brains out just [ __ ]. like animals way and I say it on stage. this is the way to experience the. Apocalypse hot on a beach. [ __ ] yep cuz New York and places like.

New York and LA they're all gonna be. trying to solve the problem you know. they're gonna die saying actually I'm. right like that'll be the last words. they say right they'll be like no. actually and then you know it'll all end. but here in San Diego the last thing. you'll hear is like calming and yeah. people in San Diego look like they [ __ ]. with their tongues out oh yeah like. extreme people there's some really. attractive people yeah very hot I went.

down to seal Cove the other day which is. a beach where they've where there's a. lot of seals and sea lions and the. tourists Americans go visit the sea. lions to feel better about their own. weight which i think is very nice of San. Diego to have a place where Americans. can walk out on the beach and go see I'm. not that fat look at that eighteen. hundred pound sea lion the sea lions are. of course usually much better-looking. than the Americans because they carry.

their weight better. that's just a fact that's a reality. there's a lot of fat you know how fat. people are when you're down on the beach. and and next in a 2,000 pound sea lion. they look fine you know what I mean they. look like I'm like what animal could I. put next to you that would dwarf you and. select we need a hippopotamus. we need a rhinoceros like is it 2000. see line these people aren't scared at. all they're walking up to these things.

you know smacking him in the face what. up [ __ ]. you know ease it on their backs riding. them around. I'm kidding they're not doing any of. that but supposedly at night I was. talking to some guy drunk high school. girls from La Jolla run down to the. beach or college girls or whatever and. they just like cradle the sea lions real. hammer I got me our baby mm-hmm I love. you and then every now and then a seal. of c-line takes a bite out of their arm. yeah all for an Instagram picture yeah.

awesome selfie over self I like you said. at breakfast she said uh you said what. was it there first. what did you say how did you phrase it. uh there there first. there first what was it I don't know I. don't even remember things I say I don't. know it was about the sea lions and. though this is why it doesn't talk more. people say to me like why doesn't he. talk more I'm like he does kinda has. Alzheimer's he said no it was like their. first lesson they learned was the sea.

lion biting them oh right said it in a. very funny way well God yeah okay all. right. it's not me those two like me you know. what you're gonna have you I'm gonna. build your fan base but he said. something very funny you pray that is. the curse of some people say something. very funny and then if cameras go on or. recording devices go on they completely. do not have it anymore there are people. that I've seen kill on shows and then. they'll go to a festival like jfl or.

they'll do Conan or something and then. as soon as it matters not that this. matters but as soon as like anything. matters they're just there like they. just walk out and they just have nothing. and hmm and they fail and they and they. in they leave no they don't leave if. they stay but they never quite get it I. will say iiiii I had to end a friendship. recently with somebody who I could see. was going insane it's very important to. spot people on their journey to insanity. and then throw them out of your life.

before they officially arrived in the. insane asylum and you could see them you. could see it. happening to a lot of people there's a. lot of like different indications that. give one of the indication was a friend. of mine recently telling me that they. needed a sit-in assistant but they. didn't have a job they had no job they'd. spend all day doing nothing but they. need an assistant that's like that's one.

of those [ __ ] indications that. somebody's about to lose their [ __ ]. mind and they had to go and then they. asked about Ben who produces the show. they're like is Ben your assistant will. Bend schedule like furniture deliveries. your ham like what furniture who's. having furniture delivered you don't. have a job you're not doing it like. these people aren't doing anything and. you realize oh they're starting to lose. touch with reality they're like it's.

like you know how you dip your toe in. the pool they're dipping their toe in. outer space and they're seeing how it. feels without gravity and they like it. they're like oh it feels nice without. gravity and so in order to do that you. need to assemble a group of people. around you that won't question any of. these things ago you do need an. assistant you need a team really really. you need a team and they're like you're. right I need a team but unfortunately. this person had to go and it is it is. unfortunate.

iiiiii try to surround myself with rich. people but a lot of the problem is if. they're very if they're there's nothing. worse than a rich person who hasn't. accepted their rich mm-hmm and then. tries to be smart this is this is of the. archetypes of human being that. absolutely need to be caught in a. Riptide. you know it is this is one of the. archetypes a person who's guilty about. their amount of privilege that they have. money so what they then have tried to do.

is become like an artist or become. intelligent and every interaction they. have with the world is just this. insufferable need to feel smart and to. be recognized for their intelligence but. they also like shoes like it's that type. of person they're like I'm a genius but. I also love sneakers that's a new. archetype of human being by the way. they're like I love revolution. I'm a rare you know I'm uh I'm a real. I'm a thinker and I realized society's.

[ __ ] but I also love sneakers and that. I have those two parts of my personality. that are constantly you know I love. jackets and fashion and also you know. I'm a genius you know it's just both of. those things that you get ya and it's. utterly so I had to get have you ever. torched a friendship and then not. regretted that you're not friends with. the person but regretted the way that. you did it. mmhmm yeah yeah we're impulsive like say.

something real you know like a head shot. I mean you feel kind of bad about it but. you you're probably on your way to not. being friends anyway I felt bad that I. said a few things that I should not have. said but I think sometimes in this. society honesty is is people recognize. honesty as an attack especially when it. is worded like an attack but but I do. think that people you know to be an.

honest person is I hate to say it but it. is kind of revolutionary in in a city. like Los Angeles where many of the. people you're dealing with are mentally. ill they're insane so for you to say. something that's based in reality throws. them you know for loop and then they're. angry you they're mad at you they're mad. if you suggest something that's reality. based right if you suggest a solution. that's based in you know any type of.

reason or you know I mean people just. look at you like you're a dick they're. like that guy sucks you know that guy's. a bad person because he chose to. puncture you know this little bubble of. insanity that I've built that I cannot. have punctured I just have to hmm but I. didn't feel bad as I said a few things. that I regret and I think that's what. happens unfortunately when you let stuff. build up you know I think that's what. happened with OJ I think it's what.

happened with a lot of people that. should have addressed those issues. earlier and did it but why is OJ the. most well-adjusted person. on Twitter why is he looks good plays. golf seems happy has pretty decent stuff. to say about the Democratic debates has. pretty good analysis why is that because. he can't and he did you know he's in a. wild life yeah think about oh geez life. and think about Donald Trump's life. right these guys have had wild lives Oh.

Jay was was star running back movie star. hmm maybe murderer. got away with murder he was like the. toast of LA Society got away with murder. ended up going jail for like stealing. what did he do he stole his memorabilia. back from a guy that was selling his. memorabilia now he's out he's in you. know the golden years of his life he's. playing golf he looks good he's you know.

he's free he's got nothing to hide and. if he's free he's got nothing to hide I. mean all in all let's be honest is it a. bad life let's be honest look at OJ's. Simpsons life he's experienced. everything he's really experienced. everything everything that you the highs. the lows you know he cut off someone's. head almost he near he nearly. decapitated somebody that he did not. like that he was angry at many of us.

when you're angry what do you do you. gotta shove it deep down because you. don't want to get fired some [ __ ] walks. in the [ __ ] Starbucks or wherever. you're working starts being demanding. and you want to throw hot coffee in her. face you want to scold her you want to. just see her you know collapse like the. Witch and The Wizard of Oz I'm melting. I'm melting but she's not melting she's. burning because you threw coffee on her. and she's got at least second-degree. burns on her face and she's screaming. and her child is there but her child.

isn't crying because the child is. actually also kind of happy that the. mother got it the child is kind of has. that quizzical look on its face like is. this justice I'm witnessing is this my. first this is my first experience with. divine justice this guy that just threw. hot coffee and my [ __ ] mother's face. but you can't. that right so you stuff it down and then. you drink smoke you do whatever people. you know eat unhealthy and you stuff it. down you stuff it down you stuff it down.

Oh Jay walked in he saw something going. on mm-hmm that he was not a fan of and. he made the choice to not stuff it down. he made the choice to take action and. listen I don't know Nicole Brown Simpson. I did not know her I did not know Ron. Goldman I was a child and I lived in New. York and I I do not condone murder I.

want to say that because I think a lot. of people listening right now are. confused and that's fine because life is. confusing I think many people are. starting to realize that that these. absolutes you're not really serving us. to be honest and I think we need to. start reexamining these situations. mm-hmm but what OJ did probably felt. really good in the moment right you know. it probably felt really good in the. moment to cut off their heads yeah.

now immediately after he probably was. like well that was a lot yeah yeah let's. do mouths a little bad you know but and. then then you know you start thinking. about self-preservation and but what I'm. saying is let's just look at the life. let's not focus in on any part of his. life. let's just let's let's focus out and go. what a life when he's on his deathbed he. could say I've done it all I got away. with murder I was a movie star I was the.

toast of the town mm-hmm I mean he's a. remarkable figure I got to be honest. with you I don't want to use the word. hero because it is and don't stop with. the violence against women [ __ ] he. killed a guy too. don't start with me with this he killed. a woman what about Ron Goldman yeah yoga. Donald Trump crazy life millions and. millions and millions of dollars.

the. the apex of a certain type of society he. was never like on the inner sanctum of. New York society but close enough he was. that new 80s you know uh you know. billionaire mega you know you know a. business magnet that courted Fame you. know like a wrestling he'll I think on. the Miss Universe pageant was at Miss.

Universe yeah right mm-hmm I think Miss. Universe own multiple casinos ah I mean. a truly extraordinary life and again the. pret and now the President of the United. States this isn't good or bad we're not. more I'm not looking at the morals of. any of these situations I'm just zooming. out and I'm going compared to the. experiences that most people have on. earth okay mm-hmm if you were to have a. museum of great lives not I mean great.

in the sense of like they dedicated. their lives to making the world a better. place but just great lives like where. you look at their life go oh [ __ ] that's. awesome Donald Trump OJ Simpson people. like cardi B who was a [ __ ] stripper. was drugging people in Miami some [ __ ]. guy that looked like me in a hotel room. exactly like this waking up going where. the [ __ ] my [ __ ] gold card.

you know I'm cardi B was [ __ ] cutting. lines with a putter pool mm-hmm and now. you know she's you know has had the. number one song I mean these are wild. lives Jeffrey Epstein Jeffrey Epps. you wanna talk about a life let's talk. about a life for a minute ok-ran and in. national sex trafficking ring a minor. for chill you know not for children for. children with children he ran an.

international pedophile ring sex. trafficking ring and he had some of the. most fit wealthy you know famous and. wealthy people. the guy had multiple residences multiple. properties had connections had access. maybe worked for the CIA or the Mossad. nobody knows I will I will say this. about Epstein though what I will say is. like all you idiots that are like oh. yeah we worked for the Mossad yeah it's. very possible he were to the Mossad but.

are you telling me and you know the. observer wrote some article about this. where they're like well you know I bet. it's you know CIA wouldn't tolerate this. he's Brees working he was a spy but we. don't know what you know who he was. spying for we don't know who he was so. you're telling me you're telling me. ditch every I've seen is compromising. high-level US politicians people from. all over the world he's working with the. Mossad and the CIA has no [ __ ] clue a. bunch of fat guys in Ohio with Wi-Fi who.

can get on reddit seem to have a pretty. good idea but the Central Intelligence. Agency has just got no [ __ ] idea of. what Jeffrey Epstein is doing how stupid. do you have to be to believe that you. know anything to let this country off. the hook anything any logical job these. people will jump through [ __ ] hoops. to just let this country off the hook. and go well no is this is not is not our. intelligence people our intelligence.

people are saving us from bad guys all. over the world they're not participating. in this they wouldn't dare I mean but. that's the thing man I I wasn't what I. said it was unfortunate you gotta move. on you gotta get rid of friends she. gotta get rid of close friends you have. to cancel your friends and family it's. so easy to cancel a stranger so many. people are like oh let's cancel this.

celebrity you know. let's how about about no cancel your. father how about that okay you want to. be a tough guy cancel someone you love. and you care about but you realized. you're not loving and serving you mm-hmm. that's what you need you need people in. your life that love you but are also. willing to serve you do you think I'm. wrong about that no no I mean it's it's. funny to just say out loud you know I. don't know why it's funny to say out. loud I think because people a lot of.

people believe truly that they are worth. nothing and they're correct and those. people are you know people aren't they. have a slave mentality you know uh that. that's why like I believe we should all. have health insurance but the reason I. don't get on board with socialism is. because like I look at people out there. and I go I don't really want to be. associated with a lot of them I feel. like a lot of them shouldn't be here but. they are and I don't mean in America I.

mean on earth and I just I believe we. should all have health insurance I think. we should all have some kind of social. safety net but I don't I don't like. collectivism I don't embrace. collectivism because I feel like many of. the people on the planet simply. shouldn't be there accidents they're. their biological accidents that are here. they're breathing and they're taking up. space and they're consuming resources. but what are they generate they're not. generating anything you know and then. people say oh that's inhuman blah blah. blah uh. go scratch you know it just we need to.

go back to the times of. radical individualism where the way I. feel radical individualism is a concept. where you would radically be an. individual and it would if you are. really being an individual you won't. have a lot of friends your social circle. will shrink if you start doing and. saying the things you want don't worry.

you will not get invited to places if. you just put it out there now the more. and more you keep it in and you bottle. it in the more and more people are gonna. have you come because they want you to. sit around and back oh [ __ ] you got. angry huh but if you go out there and. you you you say things like you know why. can't I [ __ ] my cousin or you say things. like you know I I don't I don't know why.

but there's something comforting about. Oh Jay there's something in his eyes. that feels at peace if you say that it. makes company OJ's eyes or it Pete when. you look at him he feels like as you. peace if you say things like that the. invitations are gonna dry out don't. worry about it don't worry about it you. don't have to go along with everyone's. horseshit find somebody to [ __ ] get a. pat have a friend or two and then move. the [ __ ] on enough enough wood cocktails.

after work nobody needs that sitting. around with a bunch of people get out. get away leave society and I think I. believe this is a message that many. people don't because everything is. collective now everything's based on. like and but nobody really feels that. way everybody's pretending to care about. other people but nobody really does in. their life because they all go on. Twitter and talk about how important it.

is that everybody has health care but. then they their parents were rotting and. some you know some home or they haven't. called their brother in eight months or. they don't really give a [ __ ] about. their nephews or nieces or they're. barely good to the people that live in. the you know live in their surrounding. area their neighbors they just they. don't care. they put on this idea that they give a. [ __ ] about other people no I think it is. very empowering and liberating to get. out there and say I believe that we.

shouldn't be [ __ ] by these large. corporations we should have you know. kids should have food you know they. should not a lot of it. not too much ministry right amount you. give a you give him a nutritious meal. they'd still be hunting here's something. with all these kids that are hungry if. you gave them a nutritious meal they'd. still be hungry like if you gave a kid. vegetables in a meat they would still go. to bed hungry with a headache like I do. because they don't they didn't get to.

have alcohol cupcake the size of a. basketball because that's what they're. all used to a lot of these kids are just. used to eat and [ __ ] fun dip and you. know ketchup milkshakes and then. remember Michelle Obama Michelle Obama. tried to get these kids eat healthy. there was a literal riot there was a. riot cuz she's like how about you eat. healthy and then because kids start. going insane because food and addiction. sugar which a lot of people in this.

country have I have it if I don't of. sugar and this is what I'm trying to cut. it out but I get headaches I start. getting angry people irrationally. actually getting angry people that I. haven't seen and forever I just I start. wishing horrible things happen to them. ending friendships yes but I also like. I'll lay in bed sometimes and I'll. imagine someone getting killed I'll. imagine all the different ways that. someone could die and it's all and then. I'll have a slice of flourless chocolate.

cake and I'll go guys not a bad guy. really it's not that bad of a guy. but I will spend an inordinate amount of. time imagining them dying and and and. and being like yeah that's good because. I think when you when you detox from. sugar and you start working out I did. the treadmill the other day. you gotta up your levels of compassion. because when you're a fat slob it's very. easy to just have compassion because. you're like I'm a fat slob and everyone.

else is a fat slob and I don't care and. I don't require anything but. you're an insane fit person and you care. about yourself you walk around the world. and sometimes you look at people that. aren't caring about themselves and I. don't mean necessarily only in looks but. I mean like well in anyway. and you just get angry at them and. you're like these people don't have the. level of discipline that I have and it's. very and it makes you angry you know. that's why a lot of people are those. people that are in shape or like dicks. because they're because they're right.

that you know I mean it just is what it. is it's like so you got to do something. that opens up your [ __ ] you know. ability to be compassionate mm-hmm you. don't really do anything to stay in. shape not really in shape you just and I. just take long walks it's kind of a. misleading around I don't do anything. like on purpose you ever see yourself as. like a fit guy like getting in the gym. building it up I just I hate changing. out of clothes to go get sweaty and then. have to take a shower get back in. regular clothes and all that I hate it.

yeah I mean it is it it is it is a whole. lifestyle that you have to like you do. have to really just go wholeheartedly. into you have to get addicted to it you. got to get addicted yeah you have to. make it where it's like I feel terrible. if I don't run five miles it's true man. and a lot of people do like a lot of. people you know if they don't exercise. they feel like they they haven't changed. your clothes they haven't showered they. feel like they haven't brushed their. teeth they feel incomplete you know I.

want to be one of those people I want to. feel like that I want to have that. relationship with my body you know I. feel like once I lose weight I'll get. cancer I feel like that like once once. in my body once I lose weight I'll. immediately get cancer because my body. won't know like what's going on this is. that powerful sugar is sometimes like. sugar we'll say in my own head it'll go. I'm the only thing keeping you alive and. I'll believe it I'll be like you're. probably right like sugar will go if you. get rid of me you're dead you're not.

gonna exist anymore that's how tough it. is man it's tough to change behavior. it's one of the hardest things in the. world to do to change your behavior you. know it's very tough and that's what. people don't. succeed at what they want to do is. because you're unable to just say to. themselves I have to change and in order. and once I change I gotta kick all these. people in my life out that haven't.

changed and that's unfortunate you know. but you got I mean you got to do it's. like when you're a drug addict and you. get sober you don't go to a crack house. you imagine that imagine a sober guy. still hanging out of the crack house. just looks nice it's got new clothes. feels good. you just shows up to the crack house. like hey guys what are you doing they're. like words with smoking a rock that's. what we do and you sit on the couch like. I remember that and you're still trying. to talk to them as they [ __ ] they're.

all cracked out twitching yeah you know. you're blending the money mm-hmm you're. drinking milk just trying to talk about. the weather glass of milk you're like. you guys want to go to a movie likewise. no we want to smoke more crack you don't. want to go to a movie we don't want to. change. you've changed I'll get the [ __ ] out of. here stop showing us what it's like on. the other side that's a thing kicked. them out the people that aren't changing.

with you you know folks we've talked. about [ __ ] how important it is. because you really got a [ __ ] your way. into a better echelon of society most of. you are not gonna be able to do that. with your own wits or Talent. [ __ ] your way in there I'm telling you. okay and you got to use blue chew. because blue chew is great if you like. sex you'll love blue chew it offers men. a performance enhancement for the. bedroom wouldn't you like to last longer. and go extra rounds okay [ __ ] your way. up tribbles can work faster than pills.

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gotta chew it and do it. I'm telling you most of you you know. some of you out there have nightmare. lives and the way to have a better life. is to [ __ ] your way into sand for a lot. of you you're not [ __ ] your way into. [ __ ] the Rothschilds but maybe you. just [ __ ] your way into somebody that. has a has a house you know 20 minutes. outside of Cleveland you know I mean. that's what most of you're gonna get but. who gives a [ __ ] you throw the dick to a. girl to inherit you know she inherited a. little shitty house maybe a little.

shitty uh barn in upstate New York you. can live in that who gives a [ __ ] it. doesn't matter folks just sling that. dick with confidence you don't know who. you'll end up with some chick whose. grandmother's about to [ __ ] stroke. out and leave her a Mitsubishi Galant. you and her could live in it and smoke. glass I don't know it's different for. everybody but if you don't [ __ ] her good. you ain't getting that [ __ ] okay [ __ ]. your way into something we got a great.

deal blue cheese calm get your first. order free when you use promo code TD. just pay $5 shipping that's blue2. dot-com promo code tt easy. goodbye I mean I don't know what to say. Marianne Williamson man she's hip to all. this [ __ ] she dad said she [ __ ] gets. it man. Marianne Williamson is fun to watch. because I like I like the archetype of. woman that she is is somebody that I've.

met over and over again in my life it's. the mom who lets you smoke pot in her. house yeah but she'll also corner you. and tell you about a ghost that she. dated for a summer you know it's the mom. that'll talk about her spirit guides you. know while she sells you weed that's the. mom yeah she just gets [ __ ] up and. when she's having a good day she's.

talking about spirits and you know but. when she's having a bad day man she's. just spitting and cursing Marion. Williams too when she's having a bad day. is just walking around a beach screaming. at seagulls. screaming of birds because that's the. other side of spirituality people don't. realize that but once you really open. and you're letting everything in and. you're having the full range of human. experiences once you really start to do. that there's also some real darkness. that comes along with that as there.

should be and you know we haven't seen. that out of Marianne Williamson but I. would certainly like to I'd love to I. would love to see her just smoke and. crack you know she is interesting though. she seems like if she was president and. like mercury wasn't retrograde she'd. give everybody like paid vacation time. yeah you know yeah like we all get the. month off she'd have an astrology based. foreign policy exactly good for her man. I'm with it I'm with rich white [ __ ].

talking nonsense and I've always been. with that it's fun they're fun to be. around hi it's fun to be around people. that have never set foot on planet Earth. it is so fun to be around people that. have never set foot on planet Earth they. have no [ __ ] idea of what they're. talking about. yeah it was a great Woody Allen movie. called everybody says I love you and. it's a musical and Goldie Hawn plays. this you know Upper East Side Park.

Avenue liberal or Upper West Side. wherever they live they live in this you. know very wealthy area in Manhattan and. she does there's this great scene where. she's giving a speech to the NYPD and. she's like these prisoners need to. design their own cells with European. decorators you know and she goes into. this whole thing and then they invite a. guy that just gets out of prison to. their house for a dinner party and it. just eats great I'm not saying that. Marianne Williamson is wrong about a lot. of [ __ ] I bet she's right about a lot. you know she's talking about dark.

psychic forces and everything like that. sure but this mannequin sense of good. and evil that we need to shove. everything into is terribly childish you. know this is like Lord of the Rings. stuff this isn't a rational way to. approach the problems that we have by. her being like there's the dark psychic. force coming from the red states and the. blues. it's need to harness the power of the. crystal it's like no [ __ ] what we need.

to do is figure out what to do with the. sixty percent of the workforce it's. gonna be [ __ ] irrelevant very soon. these problems are larger than just the. reactions to them okay it's not just. about psychic forces and good and evil. it's not the neverending story this is a. a comp there's complex issues that where. the answers are not inherently political. I don't believe that I believe the.

answers are going to be maybe they're. gonna come out in the tech space or. they're gonna come with new technology. or they're gonna come with you know I. don't believe that somebody in. Washington is gonna be like well I. figured it out because if you look at. all the advancements and all the things. that have changed your life a lot of. them have been not political they've. been technological they've been you know. cultural so I understand what Williamson.

is saying she's like let's not focus on. these policy wonks she said in the. debate you know cuz Bernie Sanders and. Elizabeth Warren are very you know. committed to plans and proposals which. is all necessary and when what marianne. williamson is saying is like hey man. it's about more than that she's right. but it's not about is drawing a line. around a group of people and saying. they're a dark psychic force it's just. not helpful it's not helpful Mary Ann. you know I know you're trying to do she.

was like the racism and the bigotry this. is a drunk white chick at a party whose. husband goes haven't you had enough and. she's like no the racism and the bigotry. she goes I was a dancer how was the. dancers the girl when I danced people. said I was like a bird on the stage they. go Mary Ann Mary Ann honey why don't you. eat something and she goes I'm not. hungry there's so much racism and.

bigotry there's the dark psychic force. coming and we need to fight it with the. energy in the water I keep telling my. husband about the energy. you know and he's got a he's got a look. at his daughter and go let see your. mother's it's psychopath you know she. loves you but she's mentally ill and and. Mary would that's why you know the. Millennials lover and younger people. love her cuz she's a lot of fun that's. why we like Trump cuz he's fun people. that have real ideas to solving our. problems now we don't even pay attention.

to them. yes we're like oh okay. we kind of just want because it's an. acceptance of and I'm not gonna I'm just. gonna spend a minute on this folks talk. because I know people get upset but it's. an acceptance if we know we're at the. end now we know that whatever's coming. next will not be human right we're good. whatever's coming next will be post you. mean this is the last dance of humanity. so we're just bringing in the characters. send in the clowns you know and I'm all. for that. this is the last stand that we're making.

let's have fun let's have it be. entertaining right however will I hope. she wins I hope she wins and there's a. seance in the Oval Office and. everybody's got Harry Potter wands and. roll waving them at each other who gives. a [ __ ] we're in too deep math is not. getting us out of this potentially who. cares yeah I'm all for our man I love. that archetype of person a white. privileged woman who's full of [ __ ] I've. gotten a lot of great drugs from these.

women they have the best pills they got. good [ __ ] drugs and they care about. everybody except they don't want anyone. in their yard or home you know hi these. racism and bigotry two poached eggs. please Josephina two poached eggs make. sure they're properly poached this time. I don't have to hit you again the racism.

and the Biggers rear she was talking. about Flynn did she was talking about. the other place I forget where she lives. she's like what happened in Flint would. not have happened in my neighborhood. which is true and tragic but it was just. funny just this recognition you know. right what. happen in Flint we need to change things. I'm like we do we absolutely do and. Flint is a [ __ ] disaster. but I'm all for it man bring her on yeah.

is it helpful that she's says you know. half of the country's demons probably. not but who gives a [ __ ]. that's that Hillary deplorable thing. yeah I mean Trump's the president do. whatever you have to do to get get rid. of him I think there's there's something. to what she's saying is this his madaky. in sense of good and evil everybody. wants to be fighting a war I don't know. why everybody now can't find meaning and. anything except combat that's an.

interesting thing to think about why. can't anyone find any meaning unless. it's combative unless you're beating. someone else it's not about you it's not. about individualism that's we talked. about before it's not about you know you. do you know only you only the only. person you're fighting is yourself. you know you got to beat the record that. you say it's none of that it's none of. that we've destroyed that everything's. about we've got to combat something. there's some outside influence that we. need to find every part of life is not.

political which is what leads you to. totalitarianism by the way because if. everything is political what then. happens is you have this you know. population of people that's completely. incapable of seeing anything outside of. the lens of politics and then you lead. yourself pretty quickly to a situation. where you have a the state you know with. his boot on your neck and everything.

whether it's art or everything in the. public sphere. everything is message driven they're all. political messages and it's [ __ ]. creepy man it becomes North Korea it's. like nobody wants to live in that you. look at every movie review every album. everything everybody's trying to inject. politics into everything people don't. know where this goes you don't know. where it leads. you know yeah I think it just leads to a. place where the public sphere. it's just polluted with these empty.

political messages that's. you know that's okay because I'll just. be smoking crack at Marion Williams and. OJ why are these people in our lives. why is OJ Simpson in our lives is he. here to teach us something seriously. it's a fad he's a fascinating person I. want to get him on the show and I know a. lot of people will be mad at me but the. people that'll be mad at me for having. him on the show will be people that are. mad that he killed a woman they don't.

care about Ron Goldman they don't give a. [ __ ] if he only killed Ron Goldman he'd. have a show right now on vh1 okay but. because he killed his wife. all the female comics did that have kind. of yelled at me for tweeting about him. yeah be angry that he's on the show no. one cares about the Jewish man yeah damn. right yeah I'll tell you this folks. everybody in Edinboro right now bombing. good for you I'm a big supporter of.

people taking their horrible acts and. inflicting them on another country I'm a. huge supporter of that and spending an. inordinate amount of money to bomb for. 30 days straight in the Scottish. Highlands good for you they don't cover. any of the expenses not to go not when. you're a loser and I'm not talking to. establish people that are you know. killing it over there I'm talking to you. know the people that think it's a good. idea because they've been bombing in New. York and LA they think maybe it's a good. idea to go perform on the moor and.

Scotland that's gonna change everything. no it ain't no one ain't okay had enough. British comedy is different you know. they have a one-man show they want a. story arc it's not just stand up they. want an arc they wanted to say something. beginning middle and an end they wanted. to have you know infrastructure like a. show I one of the best clubs they ever. performed and was to stand in Glasgow. Scotland because it's a theatre comedy. there has its basis in theatre comedy in.

America has its basis in circuses. depression-era tent carnivals and then. eventually Mafia owned lounges a. nightclub stand-up comedy was kind of. invented by the Mafia you know just. another thing to put in in the. while people were drinking so America is. more rough-and-tumble the jokes are. shorter it's in and out Britain you get. more space and there's long periods. without laughter and people are really. into that you know which I kind of. appreciate to an extent I like the way.

that we do it here personally but I can. appreciate the way that they do it there. too and when you go to the stand and. Glasgow. there's no drink service in the room so. that the host will come on for 20. minutes then you go up and you do 20. hosts will come back on and do another. 15 20 and then somebody else comes up. house will come back on and then if. you're headlining you'll go up but the. shows like two hours long and there's 50. intermissions after each act people go. drink at the bar then they come back to. their full attention is on you know I'm.

in San Diego and I'm performing last. night and I hear people going like why. does that have cranberry in it is that. cranberry and I'm like hey I'm up here. trying to do something can you shut up. but that's you know we're in the United. States so I'm kind of a fan of the idea. of you go get hammered and then just sit. the [ __ ] down with your drinks and watch. this yeah I like the you know there's. something really I like about that and.

there's something interesting about it. but it would just feel like a freedom. being taken away from Americans though. if they were if that was to happen here. we'll be like upset by that. yeah people have panic attacks if the. waiter who doesn't come to their table. mm-hmm because people need to know that. a chicken finger will be delivered to. their mouth unless they'll have a panic. attack they won't be able to concentrate. if their blood Sugar's dropping they. want to know that they can get a chicken. finger in their mouth and they need to. get some booze you know mm-hmm it all.

goes back man rugged individualism fuel. I mean I some people that listen to this. show I'm so proud of the way they live. their lives I sometimes I follow them. back on Instagram and I see them and. they've only got a few pictures up and. she's them and their cat or them in the. woods with a gun and I say I'm so proud. of them I'm so proud that they've. accepted that life is solitary and that. they really should. be accountable only to themselves and.

I'm very proud of them sometimes people. that follow me have these large groups. of friends and their rows going on. vacation and I see through that I know. what it is. stop it be like the man with three. photos one of animated cat and one of. him in the woods with a gun and the. quote I'm ready I don't know what he's. ready for but he says I'm ready it's. probably I don't know you know but that. you know just a nice quote that says I'm. ready to dive in the woods with a gun.

he's just waiting. [Laughter]. wax wax wax wax [ __ ] get a website. losers with a wick so you can start from. scratch choose over 500 stunning. templates that's the most innovative. drag-and-drop website builder so you can. easily customize your site and add text. images videos whatever you want you can. even build your site using Wix ad I. artificial design intelligence a few. simple questions. oh that's all you need you can answer.

them and then you and your business and. Wix will create a stunning website for. you know you or your business or who the. questions are about you will not create. the website the robot alien AI will. create the website you just sit on your. fat ass and put all the work into the. business okay we built Tim Dylan's going. to hell calm using Wix it was so easy to. do t IM dylan TI ll ons going to hell. calm and if the producers that I work. with built it it's easy because they are.

brain dead crack addicts so if those. people were able to build a website let. me tell you right now you will too so if. you have business or content you want to. promote you need a professional website. okay if anyone that I everyone that I've. worked with in this business has been. dumber than the last person I've worked. with in this business okay if I had. anybody that could support me in the way. that I needed to be I'd be Kevin [ __ ]. heart but the reason I'm not is because. I'm literally always dealing with. Mongoloids literal [ __ ] and I know.

you're not supposed to say that anymore. but that's [ __ ] what these people are. they are dead eyed retards that look. like they're on a steady diet of paint. chip. in Flint water and they [ __ ] barely. make sounds they bark like a sea lion. and they're on drugs and the drugs are. the only thing to keep them kind of. saying you know because their minds are. melted they're stupid people okay. they're pointless cretins nobody uses.

that word enough cretins they're. carnival barkers okay they're dog people. not in like they like dogs like they are. dogs they're dumber than dogs all the. people in the business that I've worked. with you know so if they could build a. site using Wix you can too and if you. click the link at the bottom of Tim. Dylan's going to Alcon di ll ons going. Telecom wilkes will give you 10% off any. premium plan and by the way I messaged.

all you [ __ ] that I said will you. like to come on you know none of you. message me about promoting your [ __ ] on. Wix I'm about promoting your [ __ ] on the. show you you know I guess you lost. interest in it that's totally fine but. or you didn't lose interest in it. whatever it was I'm telling you right. now you got your premium plans upgraded. I said I was gonna give you three. minutes I still will give you three. minutes if you contact me we'll set it. up but I know one of you or one of you. guys feel like a band you're on tour. listen I don't give a [ __ ] so you know. figure it out okay.

Wix Wix you anyone can build a website. using Wix even people that should. legally not have a business even they. did they refill bad not did they give me. another rice krispies treat in that. little little thing well now okay go to. way. folks cut this [ __ ] we're in like the. weird calm before the storm you know. because there's not gonna be a storm.

there is no war you know the world will. end in a very like it'll just be long. and drawn-out mmm things will just get. worse and worse and worse little by. little Trump gets elected to get. anything he starts a war mmm it's hard. to say if he starts a war or not I mean. John Bolton's in there really trying to. push Iran the Nyoka the neo cons never. really gave up path they're just morph. and by the way neocon neoliberal it's. all the same thing it's just war. profiteers that's who they are.

so when Bush left office they grabbed. John Brennan and they grabbed you know. people that were influential in the CIA. had people that were influential in the. Defense Department and they pushed you. know what they always push eternal. conflict okay and and then Obama's out. and our Trump's in so they start sending. in people and they have Kushner's here. because Kushner is probably a little bit. more sympathetic to some of their causes. to trump so and he just maybe I guess.

you know somewhat more agreeable than. Trump as a personality so they're. they're kind of going into vodka going. at Jared and you know John Bolton is in. there there are people in there that are. just want more war and more war and that. seems to be and again a lot of it is. these are people whose bottom line is. you know affected greatly by.

how much conflict there is on this. planet mm-hmm so the more that there is. the more money that they make and so in. order to justify that in their own heads. and I've spoke to some of these people. they tend to believe that without. America inserting itself into every. problem the world would be much worse. off and that's where they all go to. sleep at night by saying we're the. American Empire these people don't have. the self-awareness like you'd almost. imagine that they'd be like yucking it.

up like I can't believe it we got. ourselves in another war like. that's not the way they believe they. actually believed very much in after the. fall of the Soviet Union they believed. that America being the only superpower. has a responsibility to impose you know. you know law on the rest of the planet. and but that law what that law really is. is protecting American trade routes and. protecting future American markets for.

American goods and services and. protecting multinational corporations. you know we're not talking about law. like freedom of speech and freedom of. association in the rule of law and. things like that that are all you know. positive to try to introduce into a. society we're not talking about that. we're talking about the ability of. American businesses and multinational. corporations to do whatever the [ __ ]. they want which is why they all hate. these countries that don't allow that.

rush you could North Korea and obviously. both Korea contemptible state Russia. there's a lot of [ __ ] up things but. the reason that we like Saudi Arabia for. example there are pals they come for the. barbecue there's Prince Bandar eatin Q. with the bushes this pork is so tender. they are lobbing the heads off of gay. people over there they're chopping off. hands they're beating women with sticks. we don't care and their leaders come.

over here to have a hoedown they're. having a hoedown. with the bushes but we looking flat amir. putin like he's Voldemort and the reason. for that is because we're eatin with. saudi arabia we're making money with. them it is what it is folks I'm tired of. explaining you should know that it. doesn't mean you have to hate America I. love America America is a great country. we did we did we've done some fucked-up. [ __ ] but I don't think America is the. CIA I think America's you know these. retards in San Diego that all bought. tickets to come see my show they're.

eating guacamole and watching seals [ __ ]. you know I think America is my producer. Ben you know good-looking but brain-dead. person who literally walks around. doesn't know where he is half the time. you know he's good-looking and stupid. he's they're a better combination to be. by the way that. what San Diego is good-looking stupid. people have it all yeah okay because. they don't know what they don't know and. everything you know being good-looking. you're connected with your body like oh.

here's my big dick and yeah I'm. good-looking and blah blah blah and you. don't have to really think too deeply. about anything else because that gets in. the way you know really does I mean. we're very excited to do an episode. coming up at the end of August where. we're gonna teach kids in school how to. be popular because many kids are not. popular in school and they're there. they're there for going in and shooting. these schools up or they're there you. know going even worse joining an improv. troupe or something so what we're going.

to try to do is we're gonna try to. basically put together a you know just a. little checklist for kids that are in. high school or college too more so high. school college doesn't really matter. high school matters everything you'd be. in life will be decided in high school. college really doesn't matter I mean. this is another lie that's like all the. losers in high school become really cool. people in cop you know that's not the. way it works losers in high school. for the most part stay loses their. entire lives and the people that aren't.

losers in high school like oh yeah but. how's your bully doing now he's the CEO. of a fortune 500 company okay but why do. we get these but but it's because you. know everything's written by the Nerds. and the losers yeah yeah so they write. all these things where it's like oh the. ugly girl gets hot and you know joins. the Peace Corps and falls in love with a. gun shut up doesn't [ __ ] happen you. know so we're gonna teach people when. it's about being an individual and I. spent not giving a [ __ ] about people and. I don't mean not giving a [ __ ] about. people I mean not caring what people.

think about you but you got but you also. do have to care what they think about. it's very interesting I'm gonna go I'm. gonna give a lot of advice it sounds. like double-talk. but that's cuz you're too stupid to. understand it okay you kids out there. because it's all about caring and not. caring and if you don't even know what. that is well then you need to listen in. the episode were you popular in high. school. yeah I was a decent owner right the. answer and you don't and there's nothing. wrong with that I made a great journey. I was unpopular ninth grade I started to.

come out of my shell in 10th grade 11th. grade I started. you know feeling myself at twelfth grade. I was nominated for homecoming king and. I was one of the most popular people. that had ever attended Holy Trinity. dialysis in high school it Hicksville. Long Island New York right where Billy. Joel wrote that song the village green. it's right about where I went to high. school remember those days hanging out. by the Village Green yeah we do because. they were phenomenal and then when I. learned I learned a lot of lessons about. popularity and that number one it's the. most important thing on earth okay it is.

more important than honor character love. is the most important thing having other. people like he was literally everything. if everyone hates you you could be the. most honorable person in the world. wouldn't you die history is just gonna. say that you were a pedophile and that. you beat your wife because everyone. hated you so don't be a dick don't be a. dick when things going bad a lot of. people when things are going bad in. their career they're a dick and then. when I'm sorry but these going good in. their career they were decadent when. things turn around they start to go bad. then they're like well you know I just.

I'm really grateful and I really love. everyone as I love the community and. it's like we didn't really feel that way. when you were doing well then it didn't. go the way you thought it was gonna go. and now you're back even everybody hugs. everybody sees through that so don't be. one of those people if you're gonna be a. dick be a dick or I respect people that. are pieces of [ __ ] the whole way through. yeah things are good things are bad. they're dicks some of my favorite people. in the world have tortured me in and out.

mercilessly okay they're dicks things. went well they were dicks my one of my. old bosses where I love things were good. he was a dick you did well he was a dick. he did bad he was a dick he was always a. dick okay and you got used to that. because he wouldn't give you an inch. I respect people like that what I don't. respect is people who like you know. turning on turn on the nice when they're. you know flailing around barely able to. survive their heads above water barely.

they're drowning except their mouth can. stick out in the ocean and they can take. brats and go woohoo and then apparently. then somebody swims next to them and. then they're nice then they're nice hey. is there room in your raft but when. they're doing well and they're cutting. through the water and their swing. and they got it if somebody comes near. them like get the [ __ ] away from me. be like that all the time you know yeah. you know I mean that's the reality I'm. nice to people all the time I care about. people I do see that why are you letting.

I'm nice to people. I'm very nice to people you are you are. I'm not a dick to people I just don't. what I don't see here's what I get you. this is why people think I'm not nice I. don't tolerate people's mental illness. like I won't like if somebody's telling. me they're doing something and they're. not doing it I'll be like I don't I. don't find that to be the case like I. had somebody the other day which took me. out to dinner goes well not took me out. but we were having dinner and they go do. you think I'm on the right track in.

comedy and I went no no so now that's a. dick thing right that's dick in but I. view it as being actually nice to the. person because they're not on the right. track and if I was telling them that. they were on the right track that would. me be me kind of then the identified. years when nothing's worked out that. person should have the right to come. back to me and hit me with a bat they. should be able to be like well you told. me I was on the right track right. those are you're honest with the person. I'm like no you don't have really. anything going on social media wise.

you're not really trying you don't have. a pod get like all the ways that people. are finding people you're not doing any. of that [ __ ] hmm you got to do that and. but it's jarring for him to hear because. his face like he didn't expect that. answer he expected me because everyone. else is like him and you know you're not. doing anything somebody's gotta tell you. that people have to tell you reality.

you're being nice by saving him time. basically he asked me I wouldn't go up. to and tell him that out of nowhere. although I have probably I'm sure have. but I wouldn't tell him if he didn't ask. me because I've been told that people. told me you're not as good as you think. you are you got away this opportunity. you think you want you don't want to. wait you got to wait it's never nice. thing to hear it's always a hard thing. to hear but if you cannot hear hard [ __ ].

you. not gonna get anywhere people's. inability to take criticism is one of. the reasons that they don't progress. because you need to be able to just kind. of swallow it take the criticism and go. okay yeah I agree with some of that I. don't agree with it but just the. exercise and like taking the feedback. taking the rejection taking whatever it. is and then going okay I'm good over to. the next level is what it it doesn't. necessarily mean that they're always. gonna be right about it you're gonna. take a lot of criticism that's not valid. if you're trying to get somewhere and.

that's okay too. you know let's talk about Monday comm. many of you out there are running a. business and you know a lot of those. businesses just consist of you selling. HGH in an Applebee's parking lot but. some of them require a bit more planning. and for those of you who are having. trouble and need business managerial.

tools we have Monday comm because. there's always gonna be a Monday folks. okay you got to go in and attack the. week you have a good Monday you might. have a good week and Monday comm allows. you to do all of the things that you. wouldn't necessarily be able to do on. your own okay it takes no sock no time. to set up you can easily customize it.

okay instead of all the random email. spreadsheets files whiteboards to-do. lists all that [ __ ] Monday comm is. suitable for any size team from a couple. of freelancers to thousands of people. communal communicating and collaborating. across the globe. so check out Monday comm it's an amazing. team management tool I still don't know. I mean I've been reading this ad now for. a few minutes I still don't know what. this is I still don't have any clue I.

imagine. I mean I don't know but I imagine it's. some to do I have to know what something. is if I advertise it who cares does it. matter. it's a tool that you need it's a. software and what it allows you to do is. collaborate and to communicate and it. facilitates a lot of what's going on out. there cuz there's a lot of problems in. the corporate space there's a lot of.

waste there's a lot of unnecessary. mumbo-jumbo people running there you. know flapping their gums running their. mouth there's a lot you got to go. paperless there's a lot of paper post-it. notes you know you got a home office a. bunch of post-it notes and where's the. cat who knows buried under paper got an. old you know fax machine with somebody's. sweater on it hasn't been used in eight. years you know you got a tingling in. your hand you don't know if it's a mess.

or not the point is this you got to go. to Monday calm it streamlines it all it. allows you to be a real businessman. you're gonna be a big man or woman. you're gonna be a big man or woman and. you have a business you have a business. maybe it's not in an office maybe it's a. you know in your house you have a. business and you you go in that room in. the back and you got that bottle of.

liquor you think nobody knows about but. everybody smells it on your breath you. go in that back room and you ever just a. little glass of warmth just to keep it. going and then you get on Monday calm. and you do business because you bring. home the bacon the family depends on you. and you got software you're not you're. not in this alone you're fighting a good. fight so what you pushed your wife she. got in your face you didn't hit her you.

were just pushing her away from you in. the kitchen she started screaming in. your face because she's always doubted. you and she's never supported you at the. right time that's why you need Monday. calm it. allow you to seamlessly organize all of. the disparate elements of your business. and make them into one function your son. does not speak to you okay he fears you.

he looks at you with a mixture of fear. and disgust and he goes up to his room. looking at God only knows what on the. internet you hope one day you don't get. a call that you know he's been. apprehended after you know shooting up a. big sporting goods you don't know but. you wish you wish you and the boy could. have more quality time but you can't. because you're sitting in your back room. masturbating the torture porn and doing.

business cuz you're business man you. gotta go to Monday calm folk / Tim. Monday calm / Tim okay because when. you're out with your buddies and your. your golf in or you're just throwing a. few drinks back at the club you know. you're at the Country Club and all those. other guys that work for institutional. banks cuz they're suckers and you went. out on your own to day trade and they. thought you were mentally ill but now.

you've established you were at the. forefront of something very real and. that these brick-and-mortar offices are. going away soon we'll all just be. working in little pods from our offals. but it'll be okay because we'll have. Monday comm cuz you're a business man. that's what you are you tell all your. buddies at work at Bank of America. corporate and Charlotte a couple of guys. you went to college with it you're doing. just fine sitting in your back room.

drunk watching the market you feel the. pulse of the market go through your body. okay Lisa hope it is you hope it's not. ALS but you don't know you played some. sports you don't know what's coming and. if you do get a death sentence like that. it would be freeing because you could. just finally go and do all the drugs. that you really want to [ __ ] do that. you miss God you miss those drugs but. you can't do. you're a businessman businessman I'm a.

bigger man Monday dot-com / Tim I do not. know what this product is I do not know. that I do not know but I'm telling you. right now if you don't have it you're. gonna [ __ ] fail. I just want smoke crack with Marianne. Williamson you know the confidence of a. white girl on cocaine in the suburbs is.

like nothing you've ever seen a white. chick driving around on a Honda Civic a. white Honda Civic coked out of her bird. smoking Newports on her cellphone the. confidence level mm-hmm. you know also a very a very high. archetype of person that people are. realized fat girl with a very clean car. this is an archetype of person a lot of.

fat girls cannot stop shoving food in it. they can they have lost control of their. own body they cannot stop eating so they. make sure that their environments are. immaculate they're very clean right and. I've had many of these friends the fat. girl with the very clean car that's a. total thing their car is so immaculately. clean it's like it was never food in it. it was like it doesn't smell like food. but you know that there had to be food. you look at the girl and she's pouring. out of the front seat and you go there's.

been food why doesn't it smell like. french fries every now and then you. would get my car and you'd see a little. perfectly diced tomato that fell off a. Mexican pizza. just a little diced tomato sitting there. on the dashboard but you will never see. that with the fat girl with a very clean. car you will smell beautiful perfumes it. will be very nice she'll have maybe. track lighting when you sit down they'll. be a pleasant aroma even as the car.

pulls up you'll be like wow her hair. will be neatly back her hair will be. neatly back scrunched up in a ponytail. she'll always have new clothes on you'll. get in the car you'll. even if it's a shitty little car it'll. be so beautiful and immaculate and. you'll be looking around because you'll. you'll look at the girl and you'll. expect it there'd be like a a bucket of. fried chicken in the back you know but. no maybe maybe some gum but only in a.

compartment where gum should be right. okay hey fat girls never show you. themselves eating ever but there's. there's a lot of this is a specific type. of fat girl this isn't a normal fat girl. this is the fat girl with a clean car. this is a mythological beast that does. exist who drives around Long Island. drives around New Jersey she always.

gives everyone rides mm-hmm she's always. has that car she'll pick you up and drop. you off she doesn't feel that connected. to you she feels like she's in her own. world she's driving around she's always. got a hot friend he's like hi hey and. that hot friend's a mess and not that. hot friend is another archetype the hot. girl with the disgusting car right very. hot girl but there's you know empty. bottles of perfume and vials a crack in. the backseat and dogs and cats and you.

know monopoly pieces and you know it's. just a mess she's got a prom dress and. 25 pairs of shoes but not the fat girl. not the fat girl with a clean car that. girl at the end of the night she drops. you off in your house you give her a. quick kiss she says thanks good to see. you she's always funny. she's always personable but not. overboard not so much there's a type of.

fat girl that's always you know pining. for approval this is not that girl this. is the fat girl with a clean car it's a. it's a it's a this is the got a really. dance on the head of the pin here this. is a very specific type of human being. hmm and if you. experience with the factor on the clean. car you'll never forget it you'll never. forget how fat she was or how clean that.

car was because both of them are amazing. and she had an interesting type of fat. it was a hard fat it wasn't sure latinus. like funnest fat to play with like a. lava lamp that was constantly. rearranging itself it was a hard shell. fat like someone had poured magic shell. it was like one of those desserts never. spent Instagram a dessert you hit with a. spoon and then it opens up and then goo. pours out yeah chocolate goo that's was.

the body type of the fat girl with a. clean car just a big hard shell and he. knew inside there was goodness there was. whipped cream or chocolate ganache but. you couldn't tell you couldn't smell any. food you never saw any food and she just. picked you up dropped you off sometimes. she didn't even look like she was having. fun she barely spoke she barely spoke. she would go to the beach with all the. other hot girls and stand there and. every now and then you would say. something to her and then she would say.

something back to you like yeah really. that's really oh she said she'd go yeah. really and then you get back in a. beautiful car that is a person that I. miss and a person I don't know if I'll. ever see again because we've taken fat. and made it into this mainstream thing. and we've made everybody feel good about. their bodies well I mean that's good for. people I guess but what happens what. happens to the fat girl with the clean.

car what happens to that very distinct. very specific human being who said very. little and just drove a clean car does. that person disappear do they go extinct. I don't know that's something I wanted. to discuss iced and Marian whoops oh let. me explain this I am in a bed in a hotel. and we tried to do the podcast upstairs.

they have like a pool and everything but. the problem is there's a wedding going. on at 5:00. they have to do some work we're here the. Andaz in San Francisco shred out to the. Andaz San Diego San Diego right I'm. sorry San Diego Tim de la comédie calm. for all your needs for all your needs I. got a lot of cool dates coming up just. go to the website check it out and put. them all up on Instagram good nights. North Carolina August 22nd to the 24th.

I'm back east for some shows in the fall. Tim Jay Dylan D I ll win on Instagram. and Twitter davon what's going on. youtube.com slash Devon Casa de VA n. have a podcast on iTunes hate the 11. with Devin Costa and Twitter at Devin. Costa you know folks I don't know what. to tell you you know you're like Willy.

Wonka's grandfather right now Uncle Joe. he's the best person in that [ __ ] I. watched that movie suck by the way now. that was kind of fun I liked Willie why. no I mean it was good I liked Willie. Wonka but I didn't like the message it. sent and the message it sent was that. everything's about luck it's not okay.

everything's not about luck the golden. ticket the Charlie happened to get yeah. cuz why grandpa grandpa Joe's like we're. gonna go down there and you're gonna get. one then what happened they didn't want. to let Charlie in right why didn't they. want to let him in do you remember Ben I. think he was late is late it was. something like that I mean grandpa Joe.

pushed his way in I think grandpa Joe. only gets up to go inside when he comes. back home with the golden ticket right. isn't there the moment where he finally. gets up to go I don't somebody make. somebody gets Charlie in that Factory. [Laughter]. candy is so dumb - that's the other. thing. candy stupid you know I want to do Willy. Wonka a Timmy Timmy Timmy in the ice. cream factory where at the end and he.

gives the whole factory to Charlie again. Charlie doesn't know anything about. running a factory he's white trash from. Britain okay you think he's gonna do a. good job you think he knows about. margins on chocolate you [ __ ] goofy. freak no sell it to a corporation you. built a [ __ ] brand you could get some. real money don't leave it on the [ __ ]. table giving it some kid and now I'm.

Charlie I'm running the factory now shut. up. gives people this idea that everything's. about luck it's not about luck it's. about dealing whatever you can get away. with folks if you see somebody hit him. with a stick keep on going that's what. it's all about you know I mean I would.

for the person who got out and said do. what you can get away with cheat on your. taxes cheat on your wife you live once. why is Jason I just want to go back to. this why would i look in OJ's eyes do I. see the piece of luck just a beautiful. lake pot I mean does anyone else feel. this and it's confused by it is he.

innocent somebody hugged me at my show. the other day they're like I like the. you did a Michael Jackson joke but you. know he innocent like yeah I'm with you. I'm with you combine this ticket you. know he innocent you know when somebody. says that you know what I want to save. them I'm gonna look right at them and. whisper in their ear hey don't tell. anybody. so is Hitler he said wouldn't it be good. if she was like yeah I know I know.

goodbye.