147 - Love Tim (with Kevin Tienken)

you're listening to the cat digital. network and now Tim Dylan is going to. have. [Music]. welcome to Tim Dylan's going to hell. everybody we are here on the back deck.

again with my friend comedian very funny. Kevin tinkin hello thank you for being. here again having me. no problem again folks we're outside you. might hear a little you might hear a. helicopter the screech of Annie you'll. you might hear something like that but. you don't have to you don't have to get. on the DM and tell me about it unless. it's a positive [ __ ] comment unless. you're like this is so [ __ ] nice that.

you're doing this outside yeah because. we got some ambient noise in the. background so I can fall asleep I. imagine most of you fall asleep. listening to the sound of my voice I. hope that that's that's all I get sober. yeah oh I wonder how many people are. listening to this show either sobering. up or relapsing yeah if yeah definitely. one of the two if you're going through a. police checkpoint you've had a few. drinks. yeah pod sober up yeah so you know but I.

like doing them outside maybe it's. something about being in LA there's. something nice about being outside here. in New York City you know there's so. many [ __ ] people everywhere you can't. do anything outside without involving. the neighbor or you know somebody. hollering at you to get some bootlegs. yeah yeah somebody selling their their. mixtape oh yeah you know you're the guy. that comes up to the gas station and. goes hey I want to give you my CD and. then he goes ten bucks no I've never had.

a gas station to me in New York they do. it in Times Square yeah but you know. what how much better off of those guys. and most people that we know oh yeah. there's no trying to sell something else. they're trying they figured out a. marketing strategy for their [ __ ] art. is direct to marketing I had I was a. tour guide in New York City on the. double-decker buses and we would get. people and then like a British woman. came up to me and she's like okay if a. man $60 in Central Park he sold me a CD.

she's like oh they're really a hundred. thousand homeless. children in New York I'm like I don't. know maybe probably I don't know then. she goes like this she goes well that. man told me that if I bought his CD the. money goes to the homeless children. donation for the homeless children in. New York there's a hundred thousand. homeless I'm like I told him like ma'am. you know I don't did he have any like it. was just a guy yeah walked up to her. with a CD which by the way brilliant.

move on his part instead of just being. like because what they do is if you've. ever in New York they give you the CD. for free they go like hey I'm and then. they go and buy and then they'll take it. back if you won't give the money yep. they put the CD in your hand and they go. hey by the way I'm a struggling artist. I'm try to get my music out there so all. these British people and and like people. from Norway come over - they've never. seen black people oh yeah so they're. excited yeah to get a CD from the black. and they want to act like you're cool. you know what I mean people don't get.

mad at me it's not all white people. doing this one of the shots a lot of. white people slinging mixtapes in. Central Park or Times Square there's. just not it's fun you know what I mean. yeah yeah and I thought these mixtapes. are good it's not not a lot of white. kids doing it anybody by the way if you. see a white person doing this shoot them. like the cops you able to shoot white. people who are selling mixtape those. numbers up anyway right we gotta get. those those white kids getting shot. numbers up I mean I'm not a big guy on. cultural appropriation but I'll tell you. right now every now and then I see.

something that make me sick a white kid. selling a mixtape will throw me into a. funk I'll be like that is not your. [ __ ] turf get the [ __ ] out of here but. it's the wrong area it's the wrong area. but you do see that you do you do see. that a lot in terms of like these. foreign people that want to be cool did. their hustling and then and then they. get this this this mixtape and then. they're like standing there and then a. lot of them will just give the money. because they don't know yeah you know.

they don't know they're like I don't. want to you know see they're guilty oh. yeah you know some Scandinavian family. some of them don't it really depends on. we went to the states and we change the. entire economic structure I'm trying a. few mixtapes gentlemen in the park yeah. we're just weeded helped yeah I knew the. woman got ripped off as soon as she said. to me are there a hundred thousand. homeless in New York as soon as she said. that I'm like who beat you out of what. yeah like what did you get beaten out of. well those look the type of stats you.

can't put on a soundcloud up yeah by the. way it's one of those questions where. I'm like I don't know probably yeah like. it's I don't know it sounds high but. then it also sounds low like I don't. it's one of those stats where you don't. really know I'm like I don't know I'm. like I don't know I'm homeless I think I. don't know if I yeah I don't somebody. told he's like hey I ain't slam I. slinging the CDs the harder he goes are. you mentioned the homeless yeah the. homeless in New York yeah well that's. the thing it's like you can't just you.

can't just lead with the music you got a. lead with a social ill yeah children. work well yeah my grandma got gangrene. can you borrow my out yeah yeah is there. anyway is it true that everybody's. grandmother he has gangrene is that is. that true does every elderly person have. a flesh-eating bacteria in New York is. that true he showed me his foot $80 on a. CD for a man whose grandmother has. necrotizing fasciitis.

he felt like he deserved it and he's. working for it that's one of those. diseases I I really like you know I I'm. a serious or was a serious hypochondriac. and I still kind of [ __ ] with it a. little bit oh yeah but you know. necrotizing fasciitis which is the. flesh-eating back every now and then a. kid goes swimming in a lake and then 3/4. of his body is like eaten by a. flesh-eating bacteria.

that's terrifying I know dude there's. this girl I used to work with she got. bit by a black widow and it looked like. that [ __ ] like it really yeah it was. like the spidering veins coming out and. then she she just cut it open that. doctors did and it looked like she just. had a vagina on the side of her leg. really dude I'm telling you it was the. most disgusting thing I'd ever seen and. I it it terrified I'm still more. terrified of spiders today listen a lot. it's rare that you'll die I did a report. on spiders in eighth grade. really yeah I did I did a report on.

spiders I it was from my science fair. that's another way it like the science. fair you're supposed to do like an. experiment the teacher was like this is. nothing to do. I brought a tarantula in from a pet. store yeah the teacher was like this is. nothing you know all the other kids did. like experiments like the volcano yeah. or like this is how water changes from a. gas to a solid she's like your science. fair project is just that there are. spiders she's like this is because I.

just loved spy I'm like yeah there's. business a tarantula did you're a weird. kid I was weird I was just also like I. thought it was funny and cool that I. just brought a spider in and the teacher. was like this checks off none of the. boxes of what a technical science fair. project is supposed to be but I got to. have a spider for a week and the only. way that I was able to do that he's. telling my mother that I need it for a. science fair project is for school yeah. yeah so I'm like we got to go get a.

tarantula dude my girl just did a. science science fair how old she's 9 ok. and she literally I went and saw it at. the school I didn't want to say anything. right but like everybody else that. looked nice their parents obviously. helped more than we did and hers we let. her cut it you know it's her science. project I'm there to guide but I got. video games to play and yeah she's 9 she. hasn't figured it out by now. exactly never will yeah I'm with you.

she's got to learn learn how to fail. right right yeah but hers is literally. just a bunch of oranges in a plastic cup. like it was like a two gallon jug of. water that we cut the top off of and. there's oranges in there and it's. supposed to be whether oranges float. with the peel on or the peel ah. and so but when we went there there was.

no water. it was just oranges this is like an. autistic science it's like a weird. obsession for anyone to have they're. just excited get the kids involved in a. scientific process you know what I mean. what. great about the science fairs you can. really see whose parents should be in. jail you know by what a kid will come in. with the social services at the door. like some crackhead kid will come in. like his parents of crack ads he'll come. in with like the poster boards not even. done. you know the oak tag he's got like. papers that aren't you this like he hand.

wrote it and he just glued it on yeah. everyone else all the other kids have. like you know just like post like cards. that are like like you know ya fixed. onto the oak tag it looks really nice. it's colorful it's attractive he just. ripped the paper out of the one of those. binders with all the spools on the side. so it's all frayed yeah this poor kids. just [ __ ] sitting there at his dining. room table trying to do this while his. parents cook up a rock in the next room. and like you know they just walk out. look at it and they go this is it'll do.

yeah that's fine son glad Timmy's. getting involved we're just glad he's. participating yeah they're I mean I was. in a few of those houses when I was. growing up because I I was a you know I. was a I was a hooligan I was a kid that. wanted to like get drugs all the time. yeah right you never smoked crack did. you rob I freebase cocaine okay and I. remember one of the funniest the Jamie. is crack yeah we did we took rocks a cup.

we didn't cook it off to make it crack. but we put him in a we freebase again. and it was basically crowd I was. somebody in the house said to us they're. like this is basically cracked we just. laughed so hard we were 14 it was one of. those times we just laugh we're smoking. crack and we're just like they're like. this is basically crack and I look at my. buddy and I what this is we're basically. smoking crack and he we just we fell. down laughing it was just one of those. middle school memories that a lot of. people but like I would every now and.

then like God there was this kid Ryan. whose parents were drunks and like you. know and we went like once we went into. his house to smoke some weed and he's. like hey before you go in the air you. know my house kind of dirt he was like. ashamed of it you know I was like dude I. hang out at I'm not gonna say their. names but I was like I hang out at blank. plant you know which it was the coke. house in town and ya know I know when he. kind of. I was like I don't give a [ __ ] did but a. lot of my childhood was spent in. absolutely filthy houses with like.

cigarette burns in the carpet ashtrays. overflowing with cigarette Dutch cots. everywhere. what Dutch guts you know vanilla Duchess. people smoked blondes oh yeah yeah just. tobacco all over the place. oh yeah those shitty linoleum kitchen. floors. you know stains in the carpet you know. one leather couch that you pull a. cigarette stain blanket over yourself. and maybe take a half-hour nap that's. great yeah that's great I don't trust. anybody who hasn't pulled a cigarettes.

and ratty blanket over themselves on a. [ __ ] coming down from coke trying not. to die the rats keep you warm yeah I. mean my friend Michael just got an. apartment and this guy's like he's the. only friend I made that I made from the. podcast and I met him he came to the. show at the stand once and he was he. came he's a good-looking guy you know. [ __ ] a lot of chicks successful guy not.

crazy successful but you know in uh you. know he's doing the right thing the tim. dylan demographic well listen to the. show I imagine not I imagine he's kind. of an outlier I don't know who's out. there but I'll tell you right now from. the messages I get I would imagine that. he's in the top 1% of people that listen. to this show just in the sense that he's. always had his freedom you know but the. first time I met him he was bleeding.

like I said to him like he came up with. a huge fan of the show and I looked at. him I'm like dude you're bleeding his. arm was bleeding and he just kind of. laughed it off how it was bleeding and. that's a sincere compliment though if. you if a man goes out of his way who's. actively bleeding to tell you he likes. something you're doing you're on the. right track. yeah no he he's one of these dudes who. women love them and guys like but.

there's a certain type of dude who like. wants to be taken seriously by dudes and. is it yeah and. because he's like the dude who [ __ ]. everybody's check but I don't mean that. he Fox everyone's check. I just mean he's to do that gets [ __ ]. yeah and he's devoted a lot of time and. energy to that and by the way I was. telling him tonight I'm like dude you. have a better lot like we were talking. about our lives and I'm like yeah I've. been able to do some cool [ __ ] but I. kind of just would like sometimes I just. want to look like him and just [ __ ] yeah.

you know what I mean yeah any not that's. the goal but he's like he's a cab he. goes you know but then you're like not. you don't feel the pressure to like be. successful and like do things or. whatever so it's like whatever the grass. is greener but I'm just like if I look. like you I would just [ __ ] surfers all. day I'd have AIDS and wouldn't care oh. yeah you know what I mean like I do I. wouldn't care I would I would want to be. like you know like I would just be like. so hot or I'd be like right before I.

[ __ ] somebody be like I have AIDS in. this dude the good guy would be like who. cares that's wrong the dice tonight and. he's not an amazing looking guy he's. good enough looking he's thin he's just. thin yeah and that's where it's at yeah. you know what I mean that's like been. over here I mean he's he's a. good-looking guy he could be bigger be. Bonin down all over town and stayin. Michael's got a sexual energy yeah like. Michael's like he's in it to [ __ ] yeah. you can feel it bet Ben's better-looking. than Michael but like Michael just get.

like Michael could just go in and just. [ __ ] yes that guy yeah when you're. sitting at a table with him he like want. you know he wants to be [ __ ] yeah. that's like trying to do this other. thing. and like ask me about my podcast like he. gives a [ __ ] you know yeah and he does. he does care but he just wants to be. [ __ ] some 19 year old girl with USC. and I get it you know what I mean I get. it but he also like he's you know so I. was just like you know so he just gets.

his but he's also a guy who like always. makes the wrong decisions when it comes. to like where he live like he makes. these bad real estate decisions like and. he loves complaining about them and he's. a guy not in a funny way like there are. people like there are people that just. do things. yeah so they can complain about them. yeah like he moved in he comes out to LA. yeah you know him and his he him and he.

met some dude some guy who's another. good-looking in shape guy who happened. to be a psychopath and he didn't know. this but he like moved in with this guy. and then like a day later the guy is. like the guy has all these mental. problems the guys got us some girlfriend. in New York the guy that could put the. guys like all over the place the guy. tells Michael he moves in with Michael. yeah and then he tells him he goes like. as Michael's moving in he goes you know. I went on a my uncle's a rich guy used.

to take us on vacation and I I woke up. one day and he and his hand down my. pants when I was like how long have they. known each other literally hours moving. in the boxes right there eating Chinese. food together discouraged so Michaels. like oh okay you know hey you know this. is good story. yeah so and then the guy goes says to. him he goes I just kept going on. vacation with him kept kind of happening. but you know you had a lot of money.

whatever and so like Michael tells me. this and I'm like yeah I'm telling you. right now telling you right now telling. you right now you made a big mistake. again yeah yeah this is a big big. mistake Michael's like yeah this guy. seems like a real problem the kid would. be like crying like you come home really. yeah and then the kids like and. Michael's like I don't really know if I. could live with you and the kids like. but I still want to be friends with you. I thought you're one of my best friends. literally they know each other do 48. hours at this point like so I'm like oh.

this is total but one of the reasons. Michael likes means he's attracted to. crazy people he likes crazy people yeah. they're know what I need yeah yeah but. my I've I have to monetize my crazy so. there's a limit to how crazy I can get. yeah I have to be crazy in the in the. parameters of civil society yeah you. know what I mean absolutely but this. dude that's not so he would come home. and the kid would be and then the kids. start saying I'm like if you leave I. don't know what I'll do man I'm afraid. of myself I don't know if he's.

threatening Michael or threatening to. kill him so finally and they just moved. in together or they just literally said. there are its this is all under 72 hours. cheese the kid is threatening to harm. himself. saying cuz the kids on drugs he's got. all these problems and Michael's calling. me is like I'm so mad at myself I don't. know why I did this and I'm like I know. why you did it cuz you were just like. you saw a beautiful apartment yeah this. kid seemed like whatever but you know so.

he then gets this apartment now he's. living in this place a Marina del Rey. no marina no Marina del Rey here's the. thing man here's a thing here. I got a you know and he's like he's one. of my best friends and he knows he knows. that I have to broadcast this you know. to hundreds of thousands of people it is. what it is with your friends with me my. parents know this date you know yeah I'm. I want to do lie pockets for my mother's. mental institution but all of the people.

I want to have on keep dying and so it's. like oh this is tough but I'm like I'm. one of the inmates you could call them. patients but they can't leave yeah yeah. so inmate is fine for that I know you. know I know we want to be all sweet on. them but a patient can go outside the. inmate you know what I mean and my. mother can go out but it's you go to. sign a waiver and take her out and bring.

it back in you know oh yeah so swap. responsibilities so Michael goes and. gets this apartment in like you know. this this like it looks like a hotel. it looks like an older hotel it's like. one of these complex is popcorn ceilings. you know those like ceilings it's all. carpet the holy his apartment is all. carpet the holes are carpeted there's. stains everywhere the holes are carpet. holes.

oh the halls the holes you know there's. no smell great it looks like the hotel. from the Florida project you know yeah. but with none of like the fun people but. maybe there are some fun people like. yeah I think you smoke a little weed in. his apartment and. he got a note slipped under the door and. they're like hey I'm on dialysis I can't. close the window I'm not strong enough. to open the window please you know. there's a lot of dangers a secondhand. smoke and he was just like okay you know.

you like a lot of positives of smoking. weed though if you're on dialysis right. right yeah but he you know so who knows. he's probably getting blamed for a lot. of other [ __ ] that's going on there but. like nobody forced him to make this. decision right yeah and the place has a. pool and whatever yeah and it's you know. I walk in and I'm like you know this is. it she's spending like 2,400 a month.

twenty-five hundred a month Oh sh in. view stop he's like I'm two blocks from. the beat here's the thing folks what is. this need to live by the beach. what psychosis is this like I'm two. blocks from the beach you're either on. the beach or you're not yeah I'm an hour. from the beach same [ __ ] you either on. the beach or you're not on the beach you.

have to put the shoes on or you don't. beach towns are disgusting they're full. of drunks junkies true yeah people that. are attracted to the beach ten percent. of them are upstanding people that want. a jog and do volleyball and the other. ninety percent of them are homeless. heroin addicts yeah so every beat Venice. you go down to Venice it's like who. would want to live in this I would. rather live at the gathering of the. Juggalos then live in these beach tent.

like even Malibu is dirty and [ __ ] like. I understand if you have a mansion and. you have a view of whatever but it's. filthy it's filthy and I'm a water guy. I'm a beach guy I love it I grew up in a. beach town I get it yeah you know what. we used to do when I grew up on the. beach we used to sniff cocaine on it at. night and like all the people that. bought house.

[ __ ] like who these dirtbags yeah we're. kids. what the hell's this why is this you. know smoking weed and doing blow on a. beat that's what people do on the beach. it's a good time. so he's like yeah she walked through the. beach and and then he starts saying. things he's like you know he's a guy. with like very specific complaints he's. like there's nowhere to get an $8 food. item here yeah no [ __ ]. I'm like yeah he's like it's either a. lot of money or it's like is it you just. know where to get an eighth of it and he.

acts like he was you know somebody at. gunpoint put a gun in his mouth dragged. him into this place and said sign this. lease or we're gonna blow your brains. out of the back of your skull that's. what he acts like but he did this. completely voluntarily because he kind. of likes I think there's some apart you. know cuz he's like he's like all the. things that are better a35 and I can't. you know I can't spend that mine I can't. so I have to get I have to be in this. and it's just one of those things where. it's like you know at a certain point.

you just you got to realize if you keep. making these decisions there's a reason. you keep making them there's it yeah. easy to keep making them you you know. you want to be in a position that you. don't and and I it is what it it I'm not. judging anybody I've made a lot of bad. choices no in my life but not the bad. choices than anyone thinks right you're. not signing leases on shitty shitty of.

course on anything you know yeah is it. thing I sign was a mortgage no for six. hundred and seventy thousand dollars. it's a good advanced guess what that. didn't work out well for me or the. people that gave me six hundred and. seventy thousand dollars when I was. coked out in twenty three years old and. I showed up in a sweaty coke panic. signing papers that's the last thing I. sighs dude that now that but that was.

the sign of the times I mean that's. that's how you did a loan science if you. didn't buy a house with a subprime. mortgage and lose it you're a [ __ ] yeah. straight up. you're a [ __ ] [ __ ] if you didn't go. on the [ __ ] ride like all of us good. Americans yeah then [ __ ] you did I was I. had a showdown in this country yeah I. was right there with you. there's no debtors prison this isn't. Dubai where they lock you up in jail cuz.

you can't pay for something yeah just. declare bankruptcy declaring bankruptcy. which I haven't done and I will probably. but eventually maybe I don't know but. the clearing better you buy a nice. fridge before you do I will celebrate my. bankruptcy at a beautiful restaurant in. Beverly Hills like I don't people say to. me all you defend Kabbalist I don't. really different capitalism only know. about capitalism is you borrow a lot of. money you don't pay it back and no one. can put you in a Cell yeah that's my.

understanding of capitalists the. American Dream that now it hurts your. kids or whoever's around for it I'm I'm. not advising this but I'm a lone wolf. here I'm wandering around the desert. alone if you hand me a big money and. saying this will work out I'm gonna say. you better well I bet it will why am I. gonna tell you do I know better than. Wells Fargo what I need no and they said. I needed a bag of money and I was. inclined to agree with them uh Wells. Fargo baby. but Michaels a legit guy he's got credit. he's a real person yeah hot little.

girlfriend who's a nurse yeah they could. make a real [ __ ] life of it you know. and you know just I don't know he's. working he's he's in the weed thing now. he came out here to get into this weed. business cuz he had a really good job. Fanta and and he wanted to come out here. and he got rid of that job but he wanted. to come out here because listen unless. you get involved in one of these. businesses that the potential to make a. lot of money yeah it you know Mawile.

dwells out here with weed you know yeah. laws are changing every day. companies are emerging people trying to. there's a huge group of people that come. out to this state with law degrees that. want to be consultants that want to take. a lot of these mostly illegal operations. and make them legal and there's a lot of. people that are that are trying to get. in that business and I think he was in a. position in his company where he's like. I'll make 150 grand a year every year. till I'm dead go to Mets games have a. nice house on Long Island or. let me [ __ ] take a shot I think you.

saw a guy like me who was [ __ ] taking. a shot you know I make tens of thousands. of dollars a year you know I have. hundreds of fans and I think he saw that. and he said I want to be I want to be a. guy like Tim who puts it all on the line. you know so that he can [ __ ] stay in. his friend spare room every now and then. that's what he want and that type of. inspiration is why I'm here I'm here. so that people that have good lives can. throw them away in the hopes that. there's something great on the other.

side of it because [ __ ] I was on a. podcast people listened to ya know. you've made it you made it people think. I am like yeah he's people. somebody said to me the other day like. you're probably getting ready to buy a. house I'm like I'm getting ready to buy. a gun are you not I make no money and. all the money I make is take it from me. for my agent my manager yep. who deserve that occasionally my agent. does and my manager is I'll enjoy him. you know and so what you sleep I make a.

third of my money and then there's taxes. and then there's you know so but but I. do think there's a lot of risk and it's. exciting and I get that yeah to a guy. like him and you know we've had talks. about this he's like I want to do. something exciting. you know I want to be part of it I want. to be a millionaire I wanna I want to. have all that he put with what I think. he doesn't realize is it like none of. that really MEK it's good and it's great. to make money but I don't think it. matters in the way that he thinks it. matters like I think like if fulfillment.

wise yeah because at the end of the day. I think what he doesn't realize is that. the people that make that kind of money. their entire less you get really lucky. yeah their entire life is dedicated to. making that kind of money right. everything they do uh you know people. when people think about making money. they think about vacations they think. about oh this is the house I live in and. the rich people that I know when they're.

on a vacation they're there they're not. even on it mentally they're somewhere. else that give out their [ __ ] business. thinking about you know they're on the. phone on a beach. we're yelling at somebody right on %. yeah so I think that there's you know. because he works for you know people. that are you know really committed to. but you know he sees you know. first-class airfare the big house is the. big money unless you want that and I get. it and God bless and I hope he makes all. the money he wants yeah you know what I. mean I thinks all the money wants and.

he'll be very happy you know it was nice. about him is he he doesn't you know he. knows you the apartment is [ __ ] yeah so. that I don't have to pretend like you. know this is it reminded me one of the. crack houses I hung out at when I was 13. I'm like sure we start crushing up rocks. like what do we what are we doing here. Marina del Rey yeah why are you living. well I'm by the beach I try to walk down. to the beach every day before work why. why again you're having it that's not a.

rich thought that's not a rich person. thought before work there is no before. work and there's no after work. there's just [ __ ] work yeah what are. you going around [ __ ] with seals in. the morning yeah he's like you know. sometimes I could maybe I jump in the. water in the day do day you've not. earned the beach. you've not earned the beach you get no. beach that's a great John Mulaney joke. where he talks about all these house. hunters shows where John Mulaney is like. and now another episode of oh who. doesn't deserve a beach house.

you know folks may 16th I'm at left. Boston June 20th to the 23rd I'm at. Mohegan Sun you want tickets to these go. look at the new website we have for the. show and my stand-up dates using Wix Tim. Dylan's going to hell calm. TI MDI ll ons going to hell calm we. don't have the is because some [ __ ]. already owns that he thinks we're gonna. go to some bidding war we're not okay. you can also go there to check out past. audio and video episodes of the podcast.

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talked about the need for a website. before a lot of people don't think they. need a website they're dead [ __ ] wrong. they think they could just go on social. media put all their content on Instagram. next to a photo of them having a hotdog. or next to a photo of a [ __ ] cute dog. they saw this doesn't [ __ ] work be a. professional you need a web site you. need some type of home for all of your. content doesn't really matter what you. do okay I have a website everyone I know.

has my there's no successful person out. there that doesn't have a [ __ ]. website okay I guarantee you even the. guys the Instagram youtuber guys they. all have [ __ ] websites okay online is. the future folks everything you love is. over everything you're used to is over. radios done TV is done the family is. done government is done God is done all. of those things are done now you can be. upset about that that might bother you.

some of you and maybe some of you have a. point I don't know I don't have time to. litigate the issue with you but I'll. tell you for a fact every institution. that has given you comfort in the world. has crumbled your children will not grow. up with these institutions they will. grow up in a chaotic Mad Max situation. where groups of people fight each other. for food water and resources they will. grow up in a world where there is no. objective truth or reality but they will. decide what objective truth and reality.

they want to live in and they will be. aided by technology they will grow up in. a virtual reality sphere and the only. thing that will interrupt that is the. bombing or the firing of a gun which I. imagine will happen all the time. depending on how quickly the resources. evaporate and how aggressive climate. change is and how many people are. displaced again this is what I think in. a time like that imagine not having a. website he would have to be insane to.

not have a website during such a period. of uncertainty a website is a great. place to dock your boat your boat being. your content your social media your. links who you are and you got to do it. here's the other thing folks go to Tim. Dylan's going to hell calm D I ll oh and. s going to hell calm know is click the.

link at the bottom Wix gives you 10% off. any premium plan and I've said this. before and I will say this again if you. prove to me if you send me a screenshot. that you purchased the Wix premium plan. through my site I will give you three. minutes on this show to advertise. whatever you're doing we have an. audience of tens of thousands of people. a lot of people here okay not quite a. hundred but we're almost there's a lot. of people listening so if you have two.

to three minutes or you want to tell me. to go [ __ ] myself and you hate me you. want to threaten me whatever you want to. do threaten my family I don't give a. [ __ ] you can do it if you buy the Wix. premium plan through my website and get. the 10% off you get three minutes on. this show minimum if you're good we will. go longer with you many of you will not. be good you're not broadcasters you. don't your thoughts have no value many. of you the majority of you out there.

your thoughts have no value but maybe. they do maybe I'm wrong about that. you'll get three minutes on Tim Dylan's. going to hell all it will cost you is a. Wix premium plan that you purchase how. you go to Tim Dylan's going to hell calm. D il L ons going to hell calm and click. the link at the bottom you could also. buy tickets for my upcoming stand-up. appearances there and you could check. out some audio video archives of the. podcast there too it's a great one-stop. shop you could check out my Rogen.

episode you could check out other. podcasts I've done anything you want you. can do on the site it's a great place to. [ __ ] around and see what I'm all about. okay which will give you 10% off any. premium plan that's where we are so. again what is coming down the pike. chaos food shortages war political. corruption virtual reality augmented.

reality it's gonna be like Pokemon go. times a thousand people are gonna be in. the street thinking that they're. fighting white walkers cuz there's some. new Game of Thrones augmented reality. game they'll all [ __ ] be playing. it'll little be literal hell it'll be a. insane asylum every single day. we're completely the robots are coming. they're taking over we're gonna be. policed by that Boston Dynamics company. big robotic dogs on the street tearing.

people apart and gnashing at their teeth. that is what's coming and in that. climate do you want to walk around and. not have a website do you not want to. have a place for your content and if you. don't have content now it's over you're. dead you don't exist [ __ ] your family. they don't matter your children and your. significant others do not matter what.

matters is your content what are you. putting out into the world is it quick. is it cheap is it ultimately useless. that's what content is is it good for a. few minutes and then it goes away. doesn't stand the test of time it's not. long-lasting or important but you just. throw it out into the ether try to. monetize it and then die that is what.

your life is feed the beast. okay and you can do it by going to Tim. Dylan's going to hell calm and signing. up for a free offer Platinum membership. on Wix and getting 10% off thanks so. much I've been watching those and I. never got any of them but I've been. watching them more and more where people. I like the ones that are in real. [ __ ] areas mm-hmm. where it's like the realtors look like. [ __ ] and they show up without shoes on. yeah and they're selling people like. just $300,000 beach houses in Mobile.

Alabama salt of the earth yes. the earth people and you know mobile I. what I was when I was a kid I was I was. in Annie Get Your Gun which was a show. that was on Broadway they toured it. around the country I was 11 years old I. lived on a you know we stayed in. different hotels every night but I lived. on a tour bus I went to Mobile Alabama. and you know there the you know Mobile. Alabama is I saw the thing that I I went. on one of those rides where they they.

pull you up in a harness and then let. you swing and it's still there like. eyelid um real estate so we're talking. talking 20 years ago more than 20 years. ago the same ride like yeah Mobile but. it's just funny when the realtor is like. you know they're they're telling these. people like about all the different you. know things that the house has and all. the people like really excited they're. like you can't you can't beat these. views can't beat it you can't beat these.

views and it's like yeah but let's let's. be honest you're gonna be in the house. and you're gonna for a lot of the people. on that show not all of them but for a. lot of the people on that show you'd be. just as happy getting drunk and posting. about queueing on somewhere else you. don't need to be on the beach to post. about queueing on on Reddit in a. methamphetamine haze you don't need to.

be get away stop this I like to be doing. my post song on when I want full on. crack cocaine when I was an extra. bedroom and I like this town it's real. quite you could walk everywhere anyway. once Hana Mo's being kept open because. Barack and Hillary are going to jail for. running a human trafficking ring and. Trump was sent by Jesus it's like okay. but this could go on a few blocks away. from the beach. probably check me out at Trump Soldier. 69 on the.

yeah I'm sure you could really light up. our the Donald from another location. that isn't you know really I don't think. you need seagulls [ __ ] on your head. do my wife water my wife will watch that. show and just I just will feel so shitty. while she watches it because we're. sitting in this two-bedroom apartment in. Sunland with our two kids and you know. we've got a guy a streetwalker that just.

walks into people's houses just some. random vagrant that's literally just. open just seeing if people's doors are. open and and see if they got food in. their house some dude did that to our. downstair neighbor I gotta be honest. with ya I'm trying to think of how. different that guy's life is from mine. really that different at all place open. they got sandwiches yeah that's kind of. what I do just walking around knocking. on doors but we'll watch these shows and. they'll be guys like in Mobile or there. was some random middle of the country. place and they're buying these. gargantuan 10,000 square foot homes.

yeah and it's just like well this one's. a real fixer-upper. you know it's 97 thousand dollars I know. that's a bit above your budget but we. know what if we if we do this we could. put a lot of improvements you know well. what's great what you learn about those. shows is you just you're if you don't. have to live in New York or LA you're. you're kind of free absolutely you know. there's an amazing freedom you get from. just being able to go somewhere else. because some of these [ __ ] houses. they'll be like this house is 7,000. square feet though it's eighteen.

bedrooms 16 bathrooms pool you know and. it's like a $300,000 yeah because you're. living in the middle of the woods and. like I love like you know they'll tell. them they're like you won't see any. neighbors you're out here you're. secluded you're living in the [ __ ]. woods yeah some of them though they're. like the guy my favorite ones are the. ones where one of them will have like an. archery range in the backyard and then. though it's a shitty house and then. they'll show them two other houses and. the guy will be like if I'm honest I. really want that archery range yeah it's.

like you know you can put that at any of. the other houses but you can't see. beyond you know beYOU know and I also. love the people on those shows who. clearly inherited all the money I don't. even know what a monthly payment is or. what a mortgages yeah they have little. no clue and they're like it's time to. get a home we live in a house right now. and by the way I'm imitating southern. people I know that they're not all set. don't [ __ ] start a problem with me. and tell me that they're not all. southern I just can't do a lot of. [ __ ] accents put a lot of the more. you know they have like I don't even.

know exist and be like I want to get a. beach house in Gainesville Florida yeah. I want to get a second home for my. family down in Gainesville. I want a fan boat you know something to. go ahead and knock the Gator heads. around you know and they'll be like. local realtor Susan Coleman Eddie's here. her she's here to show this couple some. options for beach house in Gainesville. Florida now Susan's son is incarcerated.

recently she barricaded herself in the. bathroom while he tried to break down. the door to steal the rest of her pain. medication Susan sadly had to put him in. jail where she hopes he'll find Jesus. Susan's out here trying to show this. other couple what beach house in. Gainesville Florida in a swamp is best. to suit their needs.

these Realtors look Haggard on these. shows oh yeah. these Realtors oh that betta like beat. up they're wearing like beaters yeah. these Realtors a lot of them are women. yeah they show up looking like you know. like complected with purple lipstick Oh. dark eyeliner pencil thin eyebrows yet. they show up and they're just it the. whole thing is super awkward once we get. the possums out of the garage this place. is gonna be great yeah they're like and.

and the thing about real estate is like. there's not a ton of middle ground so. there's people that make a lot of money. at it and then there's people and it's. kind of like comedy it's like people who. really aren't Realtors but they have. they passed that test oh yeah you know. so they're just they don't know [ __ ]. yeah they don't know anything and. they're just kind of stumbling around a. house yeah showing these other. degenerates you. dude I I read you know the Robert. Kiyosaki's The Millionaire Next Door or.

whatever yeah one of those books about. real estate and I thought oh it's on now. I'm gonna I'm gonna start getting real. estate and start renting it out and. nobody knows what the [ __ ] they're doing. like you go to these places that guy I. remember some guy tried to get us to go. to a conference for $3,000 and we show. up at the conference and the lady at the. front desk doesn't even know what's. going on this is like a preview yeah. show up well the first days free and if.

you want to do the full thing you know. and then we found it was 3 grand while. we're in the conference but the guy's. advice was go and look on the newspaper. for houses yeah that was his advice yeah. look if you go get a paper your local. paper yeah you go when you look at. there's houses for sale right and you. can buy now sometimes you go and you. can't get a loan maybe not a problem go. in there see if they'll be financed. alone for ya know the state is like a. business for people who think books are. gay you know that's like the people that.

get into real estate are [ __ ]. even then even the ones that make. millions of dollars a year they're. stupid people and they have like they're. dumb they're not smart so even the big. ones and I make it ten million dollars a. year in New York art simply can only. talk about tile in a bathroom yeah they. have no idea what's going on they have. no idea they it's that sales ethos yeah. I'm not concentrating on anything else. except making the sale so they don't.

care they will sell hot like there's. tents all over LA that these people. drive by people are literally like it's. it's it's [ __ ] post-apocalyptic war. zone these people drive through it they. don't even look at it don't think about. it don't care listening to some [ __ ]. motive it you know dude and then they. just go walk around the house and. they're like there's a lot of natural. light there's a lot of light in the sun. room and it's like well that's nice. society's crumbling have you thought of.

that guy that's where I would suck at. that job because I would in the middle. of the sale I would look at the people. get did you see the tents by the way he. like how until that just. you know boils over and what happens do. you think those people get weapons. eventually anyway yeah there is light. here I guess in the room you can keep. the swing set in the backyard. agents and managers none of these people. are there were so few smart people in. the world there's not a lot of smart. people and sales is not a job for smart. people it's a job and but you need.

salespeople I respect the hell out of. sales but I would rather hang out with. them than these [ __ ] of there's a lot. of pseudo-intellectual people who think. that they're intelligent right but what. that really means is they have no social. skills so you have a lot of artists. running around places that can't speak. to a human being without being terrified. right if you say hello to them they act. like you played a cruel joke so so they.

tend to think they're intelligent. because they read you know marks all day. and then you stumble out to an open mic. but so I'd rather that I rather some. dumb hot salesperson who's just coming. all over and [ __ ] hot and dumb as. [ __ ] and just cares about but then. there's a limit to you know those people. also you're like okay enough is enough. did I used to work I wasn't used to work. sales at Wells Fargo and yeah this girl. came in after like about Wells Fargo's. that's a company it'll just bang an old.

person right over there dude I got a. story for you man but this I remember. this girl came in for a job interview. and she literally had a huge scar over. her neck like she tried to behead. herself yeah and it was red and she was. like a real pale skin and it was just so. obvious like it was just ridiculous and. this she leaves and I go to my manager I. go what do we are we gonna hire he goes. I don't know and I go what's with the. scar though you didn't think that would. be a little off-putting to people and he.

goes look man she's hungry okay alright. he's like that's all we need I just need. somebody that's hungry and it has no. morals and then you're just is willing. to do whatever it takes to get the sale. I'm like eh fair enough that's what it. is. matter there is this this guy in if it's. that guy from the last scene of. Beetlejuice with that little head and he. wants to crush it he's hungry and. aggressive on to be aggressive and crush.

he told me he loves the phones as long. as there's not one thought that goes. through his head that doesn't correlate. to [ __ ] selling whatever horseshit. you've decided people need you know did. we had some guy in his 80s who had a. house in Fresno Fresno Central Valley. California and the house was worth 750. grand we somehow were able to bump the. value to get him a 1.2 million dollar. loan and the lady that comes in and.

signs it is like this. decent looking woman in the 30s with. these huge six-inch heels on and she. he's over in the chair just kind of like. slumped over barely conscious and she's. just going well honey if we do this then. we can get the pool we can get that pool. maybe even the boat we were talking. about gas and he's just like barely just. barely conscious yeah that woman by the. way they'll write an article about her. that she's a victim oh yeah you know.

she's a victim this woman yes like I. told that story the other week of the. pot it's like the idea that these people. are victims is kind of right but I. listen I love sales because if there's. something cool about a sales office. because literally it's not you know when. you look at certain businesses the. people especially the one that we're in. a lot of the writers are all Ivy [ __ ]. boys they all [ __ ] come from the same. place sales office dude you love people. you love an 80 year old guy selling [ __ ]. just cuz he's like I'm trying to stay.

alive yeah and I like I do appreciate it. something about that I appreciate. dude this guy Keith would come into and. into work and that the hot news every. day would be what he found last night. right as he was a speed head and he. would just he would to be like dude I. got some nice brass real nice brass last. night it was a big hall yes I own my. truck was almost fold up and I you know. we bets I barely got to work on time is. some of the most fun there was this guy. named Howie I used to work with who was. a cocaine dealer and also sold mortgages.

but didn't really sell mortgages because. he didn't really. know what they were but he was like and. he was like a 40 year old guy mid-30s at. that point who she should have known and. I remember just being 19 and sitting in. his apartment and watching him like do. cocaine and he's like I want to move to. Santa Domingo he goes because that's. where they treat you like a [ __ ]. person that's where they treat you like. a [ __ ] person and I was all coked out. just staring at him yeah yeah man yeah. those are dark times and then I've gotta. those were dark times and then you get. in a comment and you're like oh those.

were great like those yeah yeah we're. fine. those people were I somebody messaged me. on Instagram saying thank you for. plugging better help calm because better. help actually helped this person okay. and this is true better help and I've. tried it out myself because I don't want. to try things here that I didn't it is a. professional company and it is something. where they're literally trying to help. people and there's a lot of people out. there you know specifically in my. audience probably I don't know I'm just. guessing we're criminally insane. mentally ill they're unwell okay uh.

there Wacka dues they're batshit crazy. whatever term you want to use you know. um my mother you know there she's a nut. she's a schizophrenic we call her a nut. she's a nut you know I don't view any of. those terms of derogatory I think quite. honestly they're appropriate and better. help online counseling is a great new. advancement in how to get people to help. that they need okay it offers. professional licensed counselors who.

specialize in issues like depression. stress anxiety relationships sleeping. anger family conflicts self-esteem and. more better help lets you connect with. your professional counselor at a safe. and private online environment anything. you share is confidential and so it's. convenient you can now get help at your. own time and at your own pace you don't. have to leave your house because we all. know that's where the problems are. that's where the people are that's where. the open spaces are that's where all of.

the underground tunnels are that's where. it all can go wrong that's where you can. get snatched up and put in a van so you. don't leave you stay comfy and cozy in. your apartment eating Nutella with your. thumb what. ever and you can get help okay it's very. hard for me to find time in my busy. schedule for mental health also I've. monetized my insanity which actually. provides me not exactly the best you.

know not exactly you know doesn't give. me a real [ __ ] what word am I looking. for here what is the word I'm looking. for Bobby it doesn't give me a real. motivation what's the word though I. don't know well anyway being close. relation know whatever it is I'm trying. to say I'm not really motivated to fix. any of my problems because in comedy we. take those problems we make them funny. it's the deal with the devil we make and.

it's why we all die and burn in hell but. you may not feel that way nor should you. so you should check out better help calm. slash Tim Dylan get started today simply. fill out a questionnaire to help them. assess your needs and get matched with a. professional counselor you'll love these. are real counselors they're real people. they're not your shitty friends stop. telling your friends your problems you. don't have any friends friends are an. illusion stop telling your family your. problems your family in most cases holds. you back. they won't they smother you to try to.

keep you down you have to get rid of. them get rid of your friends get rid of. your family and keep a significant other. only if they try to aid you in your. quest for power um better help you see. how much better helps help me I didn't. even know those things before I started. going to better help. I started going getting getting this. counselor started to tell me all this. [ __ ] I wish I was a counselor I'm better. helped I would be so much [ __ ] better. I would be so much better if I was a. counselor I'm better helped because all.

you [ __ ] need really is someone to. tell you that you suck and why that's. what counseling is you suck why why is. there a gorgeous man and woman having. satisfying sex in an apartment that they. [ __ ] own with jobs they kill it at. and why are you sitting around with your. mangy dog on a futon why because you. suck and I'll tell you why but I can't. won't hire me a better help they have. people there to try to [ __ ] really.

help you get to the bottom of your. story whatever maybe you were sold into. sex slavery as a child you know why on. why everybody's got a problem. everybody's got boo boo hoo boo hello. give a [ __ ] what I'm saying though is. that it does help it does work for. people god I wished it hired me because. I'd give you [ __ ] - what for when you. that's what I'd say my family makes me. mad. families are for losers chapter one of.

my new book be a [ __ ] person families. are for losers friends are for losers. are you a loser folks go to better help. calm / Tim Dillon okay you can really. get help it won't be me on the other. line sadly um and let me know listen if. you really sign up for better help it's. helping you message me tell me you like.

it cuz sagai already did and I. appreciate that message I don't know I. think I responded I think I told him to. kill himself but I'm kidding I didn't I. didn't do that I said I'm glad I want. people to get help. you know a lot of people my help that. I'll give you many of you aren't ready. for you're not ready for the real truth. that's the problem with many of you. you're not ready for the real truth like. the people that followed Jim Jones. weren't ready for the truth so they had. to all drink that potion and they all. ended up in that field they took that.

long nap Heaven's Gate they weren't. ready for the truth they were waiting. for the hale-bopp comet when I was a. child that a great cult called Heaven's. Gate and everybody waited for hell about. comet a spaceship that was riding behind. the comet to come get them they'll. attract poison and die. I imagine believing in something like. that that's your problem people you. don't believe in anything you ridicule. those people that died in that call they. knew purpose like you never will like. you never will so go to better help calm.

/ Tim Dillon folks and really get on. board here because if you're lucky. you're one of those people that thought. that spaceship was coming behind a. comment they drank the poison and that's. what I'll turn all of you into if I were. to better help I would. new into people that believed in. something so [ __ ] much that you were. willing to drink poison and wait for a. spaceship coming behind the comet that. would be my goal but that's be honest.

with you that's why they have not hired. me that's fine because I still think. they are a great service better help.com. slashed him Dylan go get help thank you. I got I got [ __ ] on the other day I. wrote this tweet about this movie love. Simon which is a movie I don't know if. you've seen love Sciences in book it. came out in 2015 and I tweet stuff and. every now and then people get enraged at. me but this was people really angry. because love Simon is about a gay guy.

who court starts corresponding. anonymously with another person at his. school okay and he then struggles with. coming out of the closet and then he. comes out of the clouds but his parents. are like liberal and they have a. beautiful house in the suburbs and he's. gorgeous and everything works out at the. end and universe everything's fine and.

so I tweeted out like listen this is you. know I understand but listen you know. let's stop pretending that in 2016. coming out is like it wasn't 1950 yeah. okay can we stop pretending that this. isn't angels in America where everyone's. dropping dead of AIDS and and basically. everyone else is going good good good. this is what's going on I'm not saying.

that people don't have struggles with it. especially you know people have. different so I just tweeted like listen. I was like I have had conversations and. uber pools that are more worthy of being. a show it's 2019. yeah and the plotline is that this kid. in the suburbs is just like how do i how. do I do it how can I do it his friends. are all liberal friends not yeah you're. not living in the backwoods. some so I thought that would be an. innocuous thing and the the hate that I.

got from people for laughs how people. got so angry on Twitter they're like. everybody's coming out story matters. number one it doesn't let me be very. clear about that. it doesn't matter I think people having. access to water matters yes to be you. know a hundred percent and and if. everyone's coming out story matters well. then no one's matters yes yep ah. some people come out it's a big deal. some of the thing some and I'm not.

taking it might matter to you personally. but who gives a [ __ ] sure it doesn't. [ __ ] about so people call me. heterosexual they're like you're a. header you don't understand anything. about da da da da da you are and all. these people that are enraged are not. gonna read the tweets I don't I give. these [ __ ] people you know but it was. just kind of funny to me yeah that. people get so angry at the [ __ ] idea. that no you are not interesting. just because you you suck dick it.

doesn't make you it might have been 97. yeah but we got other [ __ ] now yeah we. got 3,000 genders yeah we got we've got. other [ __ ] we've moved on now right it's. not now I know that people don't want to. trade that card in cuz then they have to. have something the [ __ ] I'm not. saying it's easy for gay people I know. that I passed as a straight person so. it's easier for me you know what I mean. that what it is that the people say. people are like well you pass as a.

straight guy that's why you work comedy. clubs I said no there were stage C clubs. I make the people there laughs yeah paid. to be there I don't talk about come for. an hour yeah and I don't do a you know. like the iTalk about sexuality in the. act and it is with it like this whole. idea now it's like no I hate to say but. it's like it's no longer interesting. being gay is no longer interested yeah. it just isn't dude I got in trouble at a.

Mike some some girl pulled me aside. outside and was just like you're you're. you're punching down because I said. I was just sitting in this mic and. everybody was going up there and. essentially their whole set was this is. who I [ __ ] and and nobody will take you. know be okay with it and they're glad. [ __ ] a dog it was a cry yeah yeah no one. cares. no I just I went onstage I were just.

like I hope that there's more to you. than what you put your dick in or let. people put in you boiler alert there is. not many of these people there is not. and that's the problem yeah. many of these people I look at them I'm. like oh thank God you were gay because. if not you would be a [ __ ] you would be. a customer service rep at Geico and. there's nothing wrong with that but. that's what you would do your. conversations with people should consist. of this where you hit from behind or the. police on the way are you okay.

has an ambulance showed up that's what. it is nobody needs your [ __ ] thoughts. your thoughts have no value right your. thoughts have no effect because you put. a dick in your mouth or you put your. tongue in a [ __ ] if your what whatever. do no one cares so my whole thing would. love Simon is and here's the other thing. right so I'll tell you about a love. Simon situation that I had is it another. reason that I might hate the movie. because I will now tell you but it's. about you but it doesn't what my loves. it you know the love Simon worked out. very nicely in this film and they ended. up this week hot black kid hot white kid.

on a ferris wheel and it was the last. scene of the movie is like they meet. each other finally on this Ferris wheel. and they're like well aren't you happy. and not it or not and that's not what. always happens and it's unrealistic to. me but people like that people love that. sky of a bow on it and people want the. bow on it and they what they want it to. be but I used to there were these blogs. in like 2000 and again I want to say. this because I don't I never want to lie.

to my audience people have remarked to. hear the show people said it sounds like. you're smoking a cigarette on the show. and I don't smoke and I've never smoked. and what they're hearing when I smoke a. cigarette they're hearing me enjoy a. pair oh that's yeah yeah. was wondering why you keep is very. healthy it doesn't see my pears are. healthy to be honest they're so good. there's a luscious haven't had one you. know in a while except now I'm having.

one now well it's a podcast pear yeah. so that's what it is but I used there. were these blogs where there would be. these blogs would be like closeted frat. boy and closeted frat boy would write it. would be some kid who would be like in a. frat in like a school and you just write. about [ __ ] dudes on the DL and you. would read these blogs to really get off. that's why you would read oh yeah he. would tell some story about some guy. that he met and you know and there are.

some frat guys I didn't know was like we. all got drunk and then we all you know I. was getting hazed with a paddle what. they did porn but then also these kids. but you would fall in love with these. guys if you kept read because you. identified with them you're like well. I'm in the closet and this person's in. the closet and dotted on a tie and. you're and they had the life that you. wanted they were they were you know. good-looking they were athletic and. there were all these things that you. wanted to be and they were [ __ ]. whatever so I started to correspond with.

a guy who was this closeted financial. guy okay and he would write all these. dumb you know things about what it's. like to be a guy in the closet in the. finance world and he had graduated an. Ivy League school and whatever and I. just you I never saw his picture so I. would just imagine what he looked like. right so I would correspond with him. back and forth and you know he would. talk to me and I'd be like um you know. I'm a comedian and back then I was just. like really doing open mics and.

everything I was trying to I thought so. you know this guy in his own apartment. that was really cool and the city and he. was taking guys back there to [ __ ]. another shouldn't the other thing yeah. so I was like corresponding with him and. I'm like oh maybe one day we'll meet or. anything like this which never happened. but oh you should come to a comedy show. every now and then which he never you. know of course he's never gonna go to UM. but I would I would correspond with him. and then one day and this is what. happened in lo Simon 1 and we would we. would correspond like a few times a week. so I was like and I every day you know.

when the email would come into my inbox. I'd be like happy yeah call this guy. yeah it's really cool and then. one day I emailed him in the and the. email was no good really didn't work it. was like he was you know when I. disappeared like you were getting. catfished or something I wondered to. this day where that guy is I'm like did. he marry a woman yeah did he come out of. the closet so my last-ditch attempt like. like the email didn't work and I was. just like I was just like I still think.

about that dude yeah that guy blurred. his email just was like blurred cuz he. said my life's a blur and he would just. tell these stories yeah and a lot of. them would be like you know I'm just I'm. so uncomfortable if somebody made this. gay joke at work blah blah blah and then. I went out and I met this guy I'm gonna. [ __ ] even going this detail you know why. people wanted to read the blog right I. mean he got it like it was it was you. know partially like oh I'm trying to. figure myself out but then it was like. you know he was like he was hung and he.

had such a huge dick you know he you. know what I mean his balls were. sparkling all this [ __ ] you know. and then so one day and I don't know. what happened it's like one of those. people that I'll never know I kind of. knew online but I'll never know as a. human like I'll never know him as a. person and it was just a weird feeling. well you were connected we were. connected in a weird way how old are you. 24 and we you were you still in the.

closet 100% yeah I mean and you so you. got somebody that you're sharing your. intimate details wonderful embarrassed. about it or shamed about with everybody. else that accepts you that you're. relating to and then they just [ __ ]. disappear of course now you know that. guy was corresponding with dudes who. were hot and were like sent a picture. they're dead you know what I mean who. knows maybe maybe love you for your mind. here's the thing like maybe the guy was. you know my friend said to me is like. that guy could have been 70 that guy. I've been living this pretend world yeah. just to ink Gilly and that flipped me.

out could be a dad it could have been. your figure your own father my my father. has never put work in anything you know. what I mean I'll tell you that much that. would have been a paragraph no I. but my father's one of those guys who's. like oh is it three. well it's quittin time that's a good man. it's quittin time. one o'clock but so then I got flipped. out cuz I'm like oh this [ __ ] dude. that I had imagined was exactly but I.

think he still was that guy but I have. no proof of that but I think he was this. person that he said he was which was. this young finance guy who was you know. trying to figure himself out yeah kind. of in the you know certainly in the. closet experimenting and all this [ __ ]. but I'll never know and it's weird then. I'm like I want cuz he knows my name. I told him my whole name and everything. so I wonder if he's ever like been like. I wonder what happened to that guy see. to me we did have like meaningful.

conversation dude I bet he did man I bet. because you don't I mean unless it was a. complete scam where somebody was just. living a different life and just writing. you know they just wanted to be a. creative writers they were writing these. [ __ ] tales on you know blog posts and. then yeah I'm making a connection but it. I mean you can't correspond with. somebody that much and then just not. care I was saying if he's out there and. he's listening to this show. can you please piss in my mouth for four.

subscribers yeah you know what I mean. yeah I mean four subscribers the intima. I don't even think I'm into that but I. just feel like because it's not I don't. if you don't have sex with me it's fine. I get hey sure I get it just a little. piss of them out it's piss in my mouth. yeah because I talk to you for months. yeah months of emails i cured and I. think it might be a nice thing for you. to do to kind of give back to the.

community you know I mean you're there's. gonna be a podcast that cereal does. where they find out he's one of the. smiley face killers and that's another. thing that I'll get no money from I make. no revenue by the way when that smiley. if that ever breaks you know they're. going they won't go on my show they'll. go on some big show I try to get those. detectives on I'm like hey hey [ __ ]. you want to come on the show and maybe. raise some awareness about this case. been thumping around with for 20 years. promising these families justice and.

asking them for money and then they. responded like well we're wearing this. thing with oxygen we got to see what's. happening with season two I'm like oh so. that's what it's about it's not want to. get the word you don't care about. finding the killer you care about being. on oxygen so we could get a bunch of fat. women as a crack detectives yeah yeah. crack squad a fat detector when they're. folding that laundry there mate they're. mine halo tops because they think it's. healthy sitting there watching your show. this one's whole-grain yeah [ __ ].

clowns like oxygen some like [ __ ]. like that's a great now that's a great. day we're getting the word out on oxygen. if you know we're gonna put we're gonna. put these kids photos on the back of. Lean Cuisine boxes hopefully somebody. finds them you know it's like when you. like I mean you know but it was a weird. it was a weird thing and there's a lot. of dudes now that are that are gay that. are not coming out or they're just like.

it is what it is there's a lot of. bisexual guys there's a lot of guys that. are just like I'm not gonna I don't you. know for whatever reason they're like I. just don't feel the need to yeah I'm I. believe I believe it I mean that it. would be a weird thing to have to. declare and what you're into you. sexually right like with everybody I. mean I understand the need to do it and. obviously I'm you know I'm a cisgender. white piece of [ __ ] yeah but you know. like that I I would imagine it's awkward. to like have to go public you know with.

some people don't realize on stage I. have to come out every single set yeah. so if I'm doing a headlining set I come. out in the set if I'm doing a 15 minutes. out a lot of times I don't yeah because. if I'm not working on a joke where it. matters and now in some markets if you. say you're gay you get goodwill yeah I. want to be can I say without them. knowing that like how far could I push. these jokes without them knowing that. but in a headlining set material about. it if I'm talking about it it does come. out yeah but it's you know there's a lot. of gay comics it never have to that you.

just get on stage and they're [ __ ]. cool and I mean it is what it is you. could just tell you know yeah you can. tell all your racist jokes and be like. look I'm gay it. okay what's up with two were like guys. that are either in the closet or weird. not always in the closet a lot of them. aren't but then they're just some of. these guys are just weird like some of. these guys are just like yeah I don't. like I don't tell my parents what I do. yeah I get with one guy who has a. girlfriend and I'm like I wonder do you. tell her it like I see them on Instagram.

and she's a hot chick and I'm like what. do you do she no does she know that. makes it even hotter though if it's like. yeah we're probably for both you the. fact that it's like then it's it's. secret like right this it's you know. right your turn and this guy I know a. guy who gets blown by dudes periodically. really yeah and I love the word. periodically biannual blowing what's his.

deal what does he say I that I mean when. I asked him about it cuz I'm just like. cuz we were I was giving him [ __ ] about. the whole meet two thing and stuff. because you know he's drunk and whatever. when you know when it's happened and and. he's like he's like it it's fine it's. not a big deal it's just you know it's. like yeah I don't care it's I'm not. really I'm not really tied down to. anything and I'm like well does do do. people he's like yeah I mean my girl.

knows or whatever you know it she's. she's aware of it but you know it's just. one of those things I do when I when I. start drinking and yeah it's just like. okay I mean all right hey live your life. interesting but it is weird when. somebody who you have no idea that that. you know has something like that that. you just you have a preconceived notion. and then they go oh yeah I just I got. drunk last night in this dude blew me. it's like oh there's a lot of dudes I. tell everybody if you're close friend. group of close friends there's one of.

your friends got blown by dude 100% oh. yeah you're not talk about it may happen. more than once may not talk about it. there's definitely a guy if you have. more than six friends or even less you. know there's no way yeah that one of. those dudes has done something that you. know they have. van you know disclosed yeah and that. makes people think like I've told people. that they're sitting back in the car. wow that makes me think yeah you know.

well I mean it's just affecting. sexuality you know sometimes people. you're getting the mood you know the. brights right you're in the right. context who knows yeah who knows what's. gonna go down you know that I do like. your your room your buddy who got the. roommate who's nuts who saw my uncle. reaching I feel like there's those. situations too where somebody will tell. a story like that yeah to kind of prep. them like you know what I mean cause if. he was still in that house he could have. done the uncle move yeah in the middle. of the night just be like oh sorry I was. abused as a child that's my friends like.

radically straight he's like Howard. Stern straight where he's like afraid of. man he's afraid of like seeing a dick. because he doesn't know what'll happen. you know oh yeah like a second you know. Raycom but a great point about this guy. rate comes to go you're a sex addict but. you know you don't every now and then. see what a dicks about you know what. kind of addict is that yeah not a sex. addicts that not very thorough I was a. drug addict if you showed up with a pill. I hadn't take and I'd be like let's take. it for a spin yeah. you never did heroin though right now I. never did heroin I never did what am I.

gonna find a vein for an hour [ __ ]. they're high seven garden hoses around. myself it's like the vein pops out what. kind of doing yoga who has the time who. has the time time time job who has the. [ __ ] ax but I remember I used to live. with my grandmother and I would have to. get God like I would have a guy this kid. come over and I say kid I don't mean kid. he was like 19 he was home from college. and he was a kid that went and he came. over and it's when I was living with my. grandmother in Long I was living with my.

grandmother I don't know why I thought. like my grandmother went to church and. then after church Cheryl from the church. was taking her to get groceries Cheryl. was crazy religious Cheryl used to like. my grandmother was a very liberal devout. Catholic but smart like liberal just got. a doctorate from NYU like oh wow took a. few classes yeah very smart Cheryl was a. like complete like Hellfire and. brimstone oh yeah Catholic Inquisition.

and like Cheryl would tell the kids like. your dog. doesn't go to heaven and then the kids. would cried and tell my grandmother like. yeah my grandma would bring her in to be. like hey Cheryl. it's a she'd be like Halloween is. Satan's holiday and in my gravity Cheryl. Cheryl Cheryl let's train it in a little. bit let's just let's just the kids are. seven I'm not gonna hide the truth from. you children right right I'm not gonna. do it right so you know Cheryl I think. once told the kids like the kid was like.

my parents are divorced will they go to. hell and Cheryl's like well yeah like. you know these kids are like eight years. old I was like Cheryl let's not so. Cheryl love my grandmother sushar would. take my grandmother ship so I had this. kid come in 19 years old but looked. young how old were you around that age. okay okay 20 I know how old was I like. this is last week it wouldn't I have no. if I listen I mean I don't care in the. gay community it's not a big deal yeah. you know it's really not I mean it's.

like it's like you dude so it's like. right everybody's trying to [ __ ] oh yeah. kinda like so this this this guy comes. over he's 19 but he looks young and he's. coming back from college and he comes. over the house and he's in like. basketball shorts and he's in like it. really looked no good I think I was like. 28 or whatever basketball shorts though. they show RV this was like no good like. if you saw this you would go oh I should. call the cops you know you would see.

this in a you would see this and be like. oh this is a documentary on Netflix no. good you know the guy comes over. basketball shorts like kind of like you. know comes in he's like he's like I'm. kind of hungry so is like oh I'll make. you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. right so I make a peanut butter and. jelly sandwich again weird weird feeling. they're not good seems odd. so I make up the peanut butter jelly. sandwich we we we we go in we we go into.

the room that I'm in we don't do. anything we're not [ __ ] or anything. we suck each other off I think I eat his. ass for a little while and then don't. watch Game of Thrones okay okay and good. looking you know whatever then I hear. the sound of bags rumpling like grocery. bags yeah and my grandmother and Cheryl. walk in the house now he's naked on a.

bed watching Game of Thrones I'm making. outta bed watching Game of Thrones you. gotta get ready for my grandmother and. you know Cheryl who thinks the Virgin. Mary talks to her every night are in the. living room unloading groceries so now I. have to figure out some type of thing so. I'm like all right so he gets dressed. and then I bring him out and I'm like oh. I've a friend over and my grandma's like.

my grandma knows I don't have any. friends what friends loser your 28 year. old loser who's trying to be a comedian. who works on a tour bus what friend of. what do you want. drugs again like what who's signed on to. this so and then he just comes walking. out and the look on Cheryl's face cuz. Cheryl was kind of like she knew what it. was but she didn't want to know what it.

was yeah yeah she want to call it out. she didn't want to call it out but she. kind of knew what it was yeah and it was. just the most awkward and it was just. and this before uber so I had to call. the kid a cab and put him in a cab yeah. and it was just it was and then everyone. on my block was outside for some reason. cuz it was like the spring and they're. all watching me put this clearly younger. yeah dude in a cab and like people just.

looking at me like shaking their heads. you know and they were like you know. yeah you know I went to [ __ ] him you. know I mean it was just one of those. instances where is like that's what love. Simon should be right that's what love. Simon is [ __ ] a we're 19 kids ass. watching Game of Thrones in your. grandmother's room but not her room your. room in your grandmother's bungalow and.

then her and her. religious friend Cheryl come in to. unload the groceries and you have to. walk the dude out of there that's like a. video game right there that seek a. mission that's what loves Simon as' yeah. did I let me ask you this did you watch. moonlight yes did you like moonlight I. thought it was good yeah I enjoyed me. like the only part I didn't like was the. beach hand job yeah I didn't get never. like I've never been in a hand jobs yeah.

I don't like Angela there's got to be. sand on his hand yeah I've never been a. hand job guy I don't I don't get it it's. not for me I mean that's I don't know I. started as to completely sight everyone. now has problems getting hard though. because a lot of people are taking anti. anxiety and depression pills since. they're four years old oh yeah the best. thing they get is a half and you're just. playing around with it all the time like. smacking it putting it in the microwave. you get a hard dick out of some of these. you know a dural zombies that I'm trying.

to [ __ ] here and they're just they're. kind of just rolling around like you. know there's really good-looking kid. that just can't get hard and it's like. you know you just make it out with an. egg and he's just got this soft dick the. whole time and you're like okay well. this is that's not good this is not. great but you know I mean I'm not. exactly you know you know Zac Efron so. I'm like well I don't think that's I. don't think that's what it I there so I. grew up religious I remember there used. to say don't know porn. porns the sin yeah maybe that's it maybe.

everyone's too and too much porn I think. it's the porn man because like it yeah. scales first you just see a you know. nudity you see sandals and you're just. like oh my god and your rock-hard and. then yeah before long you got out you. know somebody's gonna be ripping a cat's. laugh it's me because I'm so people get. like I had one guy once who just grabbed. my stomach and screamed for the whole. time like he would just grab my stomach.

a guy thank you during sex yeah well we. weren't even having sex we're just. looking up and then he was just grabbing. my stomach and like mashing it together. and screaming gong. and I think that's a fetish oh yeah cuz. I didn't know what it was and then I. said to someone I think I put up on. Facebook I'm like what is that and. they're like oh that's a fetish I. thought he's having an episode. screaming the top is like not in like. pleasure like screaming like someone's. trying to kill him.

really yeah I don't know somebody. explained it to me that that was a. fetish yeah I mean but hey whatever you. know rocks your socks whatever floats. your boat I just that's you know that. but that's what love Simon should be. yeah love Simon should have ended with a. guy a fact getting grabbed and have. someone screeches that's more. interesting that's more interesting. that's what you were doing on a ferris. wheel fascinated or interested in. something does everything have to give. you that this is my problem with things. it's like everything has to give you.

that warm fuzzy feeling that. everything's gonna be okay. nothing is gonna be okay right nothing. so knowing that is beautiful knowing. that we're all dying we're decaying or. in yeah [ __ ] you everything's horrible. everything knowing that is great let's. make some [ __ ] that fills you with the. feeling of dread yeah and not the. feeling of hope let's go the other way. and if you made love Simon with me and. you had a scene where a guy was just. grabbing my stomach and mashing my fat. together and screaming at the top of his.

lungs credits me god only knows what. happened to him that make I used to say. all the time I think a lot of the guys I. hooked up with were molested at a young. age because my body type you have to get. you have to get introduced to young I. usually do that job it didn't really. work sometimes people love that Trump at. my didn't he's like never stop doing I. think you know there's something to that. there's a conception to that yeah you. learn sexuality with a certain context. you when you're having sex again you. want to reinstall that context right at. a time Ryan usually people learn about.

sex in a [ __ ] up way yeah I just with. this episode it's like god only knows. where they put these ads god only knows. where they put these advertisements spot. well dude when you're talking about not. dudes not being able to get hard. Bluetooth right there is huge right. there get the Bluetooth folks stop it I. have stopped with the soft yeah nobody. likes it. it's a [ __ ] pedo or a weirdo. hard-deck it's hard to do anything with.

a soft day it really is it really is. free shopping hey you can't do much with. it and every now and then you can do. much with a hard day you know what I. mean it's like I've been there sometimes. you just Kevin tell people where to find. it you're a really funny comedian you've. got a lot of [ __ ] going on you're one of. the guys I'm gonna be hopefully seeing a. lot more of when I'm out here I'm moving. here June I'll be here for you I'm so. excited it's gonna be a lot of are you. moving in with Oscar is he or is he yeah. I miss Hollywood improv and you know so. hopefully they'll book me once every.

four months then I could go into the lab. and make a bunch of influencers laughs. dude three years ago. thank God the talent Booker at the. Hollywood improv told me they loved my. stuff they this is they'd love to see a. guy like me more on their stages and. we'd love to get involved and I didn't. get booked for two and a half years and. I just like well it's fascinating why. himself by the comedy story jumped off.

that hunt I'm like yeah why are people. not doing that four times why are you. not blowing your brains out in the lobby. of these comedy club hey I would be. justified it would it would make sense I. mean the amount of knows these [ __ ]. here they are resilient as [ __ ] yeah oh. yeah I'm like nobody is gonna have some. fun yeah you can find me at Kevin. tanking on Twitter and Instagram TI en. que en I also do a weekly podcast with.

my buddy haven't called rippin and skid. skippin which is completely different. than this podcast it's mostly. impressions and voices I've spared Tim. from having to do my pilot oh it's it's. absolute insanity if you want to get in. the in the vortex okay I think you would. have fun I'll have you on yeah we and it. was a good episode because I addressed. all the haters out there or you're. saying I'm a heterosexual that's not. true. you've never eaten the ass of a nice.

college boy. while your grandmother puts away baked. beans yeah you can talk [ __ ]. I love Simon you realize that it's an. ass you go this is an ass it's still an. ass like yes father is exciting or. subversive as you think you're being. it's still a [ __ ] [ __ ] shoes like. swallow and calm you go it always seems. like it'll be a great thing to do and. then when you do it you're like this. didn't I want to go see Avengers I got.

to see Avengers endgame dude I just. watched it with my wife and kids yeah. it's very good it's three plus hours. long it is yeah very long well let me. tell you there what else do people in. this country have to do dude let me tell. you right now nah it might as well be 18.

hours long these [ __ ] have nothing to. do a lot of them yeah make it seven hour. they should start making movies seven. hours and see if people go to them. because guess what they will absolutely. well absolutely what do you do with your. Saturday I'm seeing the New Avengers. movie it starts at 10:00 a.m. it lets. out at 9:00 p.m. you know it's great. yeah lots of twists you know they don't. give a [ __ ] now do people take the. phones out during three hours can people. hang um three hours without the phone.

you know what I didn't see anybody. pulling their phone I pulled my phone. out cuz Ben Ben was calling me about. this are you a game of Thrones guy oh. yeah yeah are you happy with the season. where it's at. uh did you watch the most recent episode. today dude I am I'm diggin it I I'm. diggin it we'll see what happened was to. be on the Iron Throne at the end I mean. I kind of want John to be on the throne. you know I mean that's because that's. been owing me yeah who do I want.

[ __ ] god damn it I can't remember the. guys name not a guy oh it's not not a. guy you want Cersei on the air yeah. [ __ ] see Cersei get no support other. than the fact literally why does Cersei. get no support other than the fact that. she's a woman I. I mean she's [ __ ] her brother I'm. [ __ ] hot as [ __ ] I'd fight that was. my brother I would have sex with my. brother do I fight an attractive cousin.

that would [ __ ] me that I liked I would. [ __ ] my cousin Irish cousin. I would [ __ ] my brother with his first. cousin you could head off all of his. limbs and I'd still [ __ ] I would [ __ ] my. first if I was attracted to of hot. cousin. if I had a hot cousin and said do you. want to [ __ ] be like absolutely yeah. I would not feel weird about that at all. well you don't have to worry about the. you know having a [ __ ] kid or. anything you know it's you're good I had. a hot cousin I'd adopt a kid with my. cousin literally I would I don't care.

don't care why not I got no abuse and. people's weirdness about having sex with. their family yeah that you know they're. closed-minded they're closed-minded. literally no I'm not people think you're. so serious I'm being serious yeah like. well think about it. think about this it looks like a good. view of a hot cousin.

ha yeah cuz oh yeah you guys know each. other well you like each other lots to. talk about got a lot of it [ __ ] dad. talking about a hot cousin that wants to. [ __ ] you don't [ __ ] your cousin I I mean. I get it I get it. I mean I I don't [ __ ] anybody Matt as a. rule you're married but a hot cousin in.

general I mean cousin I wouldn't even. think about second cousin I'd hit on. like a second cousin I would send dick. pics to at a holiday how course cuz I. will are you one to get I mean what if. dad's really hot and he wants to [ __ ] I. mean it's not the situation but by the. hot dad when I [ __ ] my hot two. consenting adults listen listen find a.

hot dad like a real daddy like a guy. made a lot of money. salt pepper beers guy and he had a lot. of money and he just took his big dick. out all the time yeah picked you up in. his caddy pulls his dick out what I suck. my if my dad was really hot and really. rich would I suck him off probably I. mean if it's a listen I'm one of these. people that I believe that life is.

really you got it it's up its up for the. takin you gotta go and get it live life. to the phone gotta go and get life. strike grab life by the dick. so there's not homophobic people that. will hear this podcast and attack me for. saying to find a hot dad I would [ __ ] my. dad you should [ __ ] yeah. Pete they're homophobic people out there. that don't understand sexuality and they.

don't understand anything so they're. heteronormative yeah ways of looking at. the world would be like oh no of course. you don't [ __ ] your first cousin yeah. yeah you do yeah yeah you do. dude what I love is thinking of the. podcast listener that found your podcast. from one of your more serious episode. yeah like when you had the CIA guy I'm. [ __ ] my hot [ __ ] if I had a hot. cousin I'm not even lying if I had a hot. cousin. they wanted to bone I would be like.

let's do it I feel like you do and. you're trying to send out a message no. they're not they're not they really look. like [ __ ] to be honest some of them were. decent early on a lot of them they're in. relationships now and a lot of them of. they've they've let it go they've let. themselves go I mean but you're having a. few drinks we have a couple of eggnogs. at a Christmas party I'm about to. Grandma's and unless they're hot you. know what I mean like. I'm not gonna [ __ ] I'm not gonna [ __ ] a.

six or a seven yeah you know what mo. yeah I did I got a hot cousin. and oh yeah I mean I but and you know. you're growing up you just what's around. you know you're around and she's she's. gorgeous. yeah and and and I just yeah you know it. was a real it was a real struggle for me. growing up you know it or not not put. the vibes out yeah and you would would. you ever fantasize about your cousin I. don't know if I'd go so far as. fantasizing the the most weird sexual.

[ __ ] that happened familywize yeah was I. was probably I was people getting so hot. right now yeah keep going. it was me and my my cousin it was a dude. and we were at oh yeah oh yeah and we. were we were we were playing army yeah. he was like 13 no no no no you were both. 18 it was sense no I remember we're.

playing army and then we're at my. grandma's house grandma's it's a hot bed. yeah and and I remember him being like. well we're gonna go on leave you know. we're going to war so we got you know. one night so let's grab our girls and go. up to the bedroom so we literally I. remember going up to like this this. bedroom that had two twin beds yeah. separated by like a wall and he's like.

all right you take your girl over there. I'll take my girl over here and then I. just sat in the bed I don't know what he. was doing on the in the other bed but. that was that was it was a it was very. interesting pretty intense I'm just. telling everybody right now that if I. had a hot first cousin that wanted to. [ __ ] I would [ __ ] them all the time. mm-hmm and um thanks for listening. goodbye. you. you. you. you.

you. you. you.