Why We're Getting More Depressed, Anxious and Lonely | E55

hello listen before i start i just want. to pay. a little bit of homage and also a. tribute to the guests that i had joined. me last week on this podcast. the feedback that i got from that. conversation for those that had the. resilience to listen for the full two. hours and if you haven't. i genuine genuinely implore you too. because. the value of that conversation and the. diversity of the topics we touched on i. genuinely believe are life-changing. i've reflected continuously throughout. this week on that conversation we. touched on everything from depression to. anxiety to burnout.

and it's really developed to me you know. what one of the things they say is that. the teacher is the person in a classroom. that gets the most value from a. conversation and in that context. i as the interviewer who got to sit. there and listen and prod and think. through my own sort of selfish curiosity. i think i got the most value out of that. i certainly learned a ton. about myself the world and some of the. problems that i've had throughout my. life so if you haven't. and you do get the time i implore you to. go back and check out that episode. and in fact that episode has it's.

inspired. this episode in many ways one of the. things that. you guys have said to me in my dms on. your stories. in the reviews everywhere my emails you. said to me one of the things you enjoy. most about this podcast. is when i'm a little bit more raw and. when i. i'm a little bit less scripted per se. not that i'm ever really that scripted. but when i'm a little bit more off the. cuff when i talk about my own anecdotes. my own life and my own stories and so. this. episode this chapter is going to be.

exactly that. it's predominantly centered on my. anecdotes my diary is full of things. that have happened to me this week. personal stories from my friends and the. lessons that they've taught me the. lessons they've taught me about myself. about my life and about how to build a. better future. so without further ado i'm stephen. bartlett and this is the divers ceo. i hope nobody's listening but if you are. then please keep this to yourself.

so for the first point in my diary this. week i've literally just written means. to an end syndrome let me explain what i. mean. every single year i set myself the same. goal in february. and the goal is simple it's to get in. good physical shape and every year. thankfully. i achieved that goal until september. and by october my motivation to work out. to eat well and to be healthy. seems to transform from this like. tangible object that i can hold on to. to sand slipping through my hands by.

january the following year. all hell has broken loose in my diet i'm. basically fat compared to how i usually. am. my my energy is lower my sleep isn't as. good i just don't. feel my best anymore then february comes. around again and march comes around. and i set myself the same goal to get in. shape and the cycle repeats itself. this has happened to me i'd say every. year for at least the last five years. in a row and i've not been able to. understand from a psychological. perspective. why this is happening and with all. things in life until you become. conscious of what's causing you to.

behave the way that you are. you're merely just a puppet and the. puppet master. remains this unknown force this. experience you had at some point uh. you know a facet of your psychology one. that usually doesn't have your best. interests at heart one that usually. can't be trusted. a puppet master that certainly isn't. working for you. he's working for your insecurities or. for your for your ego. or for trauma that you've experienced. the same cycle unfortunately started to. repeat itself this year. i mean i started the year fat january.

time i was pretty fat compared to how i. usually am. walking can feel the little rolls on my. belly shaking as i walk and i'm wearing. slightly baggier clothes. by august i was in the best shape of my. entire. life right because of an obsessive focus. on the gym i was going. seven days a week i was calorie counting. one day i did 5 000 calories. and by september my motivation started. as it always does to just fall away. i noticed that i wasn't charging my. apple watch anymore i noticed that i'd.

started to miss. the gym i started to eat junk food again. this lasted for about two weeks this. year. but this time i started to be a bit more. conscious about it i told myself what i. was doing. and i started examining my own. psychology and saying literally saying. to myself. steve you're doing it that cycle is. repeating itself you're eating [ __ ]. you're lacking motivation. fortunately i've just written a whole. chapter on the topic of motivation for. my upcoming book. so i because of the research that i had. to do to write that chapter i. understand the psychological principles. and the forces at play that make someone.

motivated or unmotivated and armed with. that. and my own sort of critical. self-analysis which i attained from. being more conscious. about what i was doing the fact that i. was eating junk food and i'd i could. feel my motivation waning. i finally understood why this is. happening to me. maybe maybe this is happening to me. isn't the best way to describe it why. i'm doing this to myself or not. doing things to myself that i should be. doing and. touchwood i finally overcome it it's. november. and i'm still working out for the first. time literally in my life i'm still.

eating well and i'm still focused on my. health goals. and this is the first year ever that i. can remember in the last. five really in the last decade where. i've been just as committed to working. out. now and to being healthy in my entire. life. than i was during the summer so let me. tell you how i did this and let me tell. you what i understood. about my own motivation because i know. it's going to speak to you in your own. way. let me rewind every year around february. march i say the same thing to myself and. i set myself the same goal. let's just stop there right and take a.

look at what i just said because there's. a real. clue in that first sentence why does. this goal pop up in march. the answer quite an obvious one because. summer is on the horizon. and you've got to ask yourself again. you've got to criticize yourself there. and say well why does. summer matter well because you know. summertime is a time where. we wear less clothes we're a little bit. more vulnerable our bodies are on show. more. and then you can ask yourself okay so. why is that relevant well it speaks to. the nature of my motivation. my motivation wasn't to work out it. wasn't to be healthy because i want.

long-term health benefits or to or to. feel great about myself. as embarrassing as this is to admit my. motivation was so clearly. clearly to look good for. summer let's just break that down a. second. look good for summer looking good. as a goal is measured by just one thing. the public's opinion of me. ladies opinion of me that's what we call. an extrinsic external goal. success of that goal will be achieved. when the public think i look.

good the next part of that sentence. right was for. summer the next part of my goal was for. summer which is a measurable. time frame so once summer is over. the job is done so the motivation behind. that goal was both extrinsic. and held within a time frame so when i. dropped that social media pic of me. topless in. mykonos or wherever i went this summer. mykonos and costa rica looking good. during summer and when i got the. compliments the likes the followers the.

praise. and when summer passed unsurprisingly. so did my motivation job done my goal. my reason my why was attached to summer. and also public opinion. and both had been fulfilled so as i. pulled into october and i tried to find. the motivation to go to the gym it was. gone. going to the gym suddenly felt so. pointless to me and i had no idea why it. just did. even when i managed to get to the gym my. workout was quite honestly pathetic it. was short it was like. 25 30 minutes of me predominantly. texting and i didn't know why.

i just thought i wasn't feeling great. like you know like a boat that had. suddenly been. unanchored i was now just drifting. unconsciously without intention or real. motivation. or without conscious realization into. the winter months into bad habits into. fat steve. and the minute i realized this this year. i was able to completely. reset and sort of re-anchor my. motivation into things that were. intrinsically internally motivating and. without time frames. i set myself the goal of going to the. gym just because it makes me feel great.

and because of the energy it gives me. and the positive impact it has on my. sleep. and because you know i love showing. myself how self-disciplined i am. i get a real weird feeling of joy by. going to the gym on a day when i feel. like. [ __ ] because for me that's kind of. overcoming my mind. right it's like beating um the the. negative. or the the weaker parts of my mind that. are trying to dissuade me from doing. something that's in line with my. long-term values. and honestly also people don't like to. say this but.

the positive impact it has on my sex. life. i didn't really know how to say this. without sounding like a [ __ ] dick but. i have never been there in bed. and and just generally how good it makes. me feel. all year round all of these things have. no. finish line they're not extrinsically or. externally judged by the public. they're the opposite of the extrinsic. short-term goals i set myself in march. they're intrinsic. they are never ending they view life not.

just as a bunch of recurring seasons but. as. one season one season from now until the. day that i die. the season of life and that that is the. season that it's incredibly valuable. and important to be healthy and. to look good for as james clear says you. know we tend to believe that we'll be. more successful or happy or prosperous. if we put more intensity into our lives. you know like the intensity that i. showed in march every year in the. lead-up to summer you know like crash. diets and sprinting towards our goals at.

the expense of everything else. staying up for weeks and weeks and weeks. on end to revise for that exam. but the truth is we don't need intensity. if we have a little bit more consistency. had i just stayed in good shape in. september october november december and. january. if i just gone to the gym maybe twice or. three times a week throughout that. period and. avoided a bit of you know the junk food. which i binged on. um periodically through that period i. wouldn't even need the intensity for the. rest of the year i wouldn't need to. starve myself obsessive in my diet and. go to the gym. seven days a week sometimes twice a day.

in fact. intensity for me is often a sign that we. lacked. consistency in the past and i think. and i've said this a couple of times in. this podcast before but until you know. right and this is not easy i'm gonna. make this sound like it's an easy thing. to do. but it requires the same sort of. critical self-analysis and. that i've demonstrated that what you. would have seen from what i just said is. i interrogated my rationale so i said. you know why does it why do i always get. motivated in february in march and then. i said. well because you know someone's around.

the corner and then why does summer. matter well because other. you know extrinsic reasons and if you go. down that rabbit hole with humility. and with the attention of not defending. your ego but finding the truth. then you might understand what's. motivating you but until you know what's. motivating you. you won't know where you're going or why. you're going there or. who's steering the ship what force in. your life is steering that ship. and i'd predict that 99.9. of your motivations are misguided or. somewhat unconscious. you don't really know why you're doing.

what you're doing i think most of the. time. you have no idea what the driving force. behind your behavior is the same applies. for me. but until you do until you have the. self-awareness and that humility you. need. to interrogate your thinking and the. lack of ego. to identify why you're doing what you're. doing whether it's superficial driven by. insecurities from your childhood. because you're seeking validation like i. was or other you will never actually be. in control of your life. something else is and if your goals are. extrinsic.

someone else's okay so the next point in. my diary i've just written here. journey back to human let me explain. i find it so ironic but somewhat. unsurprising if i'm honest that most of. the new age techniques that were aimed. to sort of improve our mental health and. overall well-being are largely based on. old age principles of how our life used. to be tens of thousands of years ago. and in the process of writing my book i. i went back. over the last i'd say three decades to. see how humans and neanderthals lived.

their lives. to understand why this is it's almost. like. as we developed as humans and as we. started to rely on agriculture and. farming and. we stopped living in our tribe it's like. we took a wrong turn. and we filled our lives with over. stimulation and with like alcohol. and caffeine and poor nutrition and. loneliness and convenience right and i. think. based on the alarming growth in mental. health conditions like depression. anxiety addiction and. even other conditions like loneliness. and i'd say purposefulness right.

i think it's time to turn back and the. question. i guess i often i'm forced to ponder is. what is what is a human being what are. we. what are we meant to be if we take away. all of this social pressure. take away instagram and all of the noise. and all of the pressure to conform. what are we who are we and how are we. meant. to live and infrequently. i'll find myself trawling through google. as i did as i you know when i went over. to costa rica. and i spent the time in the jungle i. found myself trawling through google in.

history. trying to understand humans and it's. unsurprising. that the natural lifestyle of humans. back then consists of everything that. therapists and nutritionists and mindset. coaches and psychologists. preach about when you're feeling like. [ __ ] today. let's start with probably the most. obvious it should be the most obvious. and it's definitely a one of the things. that's causing depression in a lot of. people. it's this lack of human connection back. then. 10 000 years ago we lived in our tribes.

surrounded by family and friends and. johanna hari who came on this podcast. and is actually coming back on this year. that's a little. exclusive for you wrote a life-shifting. book called lost connections on this. exact point and if there's ever a book. i've read in my life and i'm not here to. plug your hannah harry just for you know. because he comes on the podcast and. stuff like that. the reason he comes on this podcast is. because his book i'd say in the last. three years. has had the biggest single impact on how. i see the world right. the fundamental conclusion of that book. is we need each other. that is non-negotiable i i've read a.

bunch of studies and i've seen a bunch. of ted talks on youtube. where they've done a study over a. century and they followed like a hundred. or a thousand people. and the people that don't establish. meaningful relationships in their lives. die earlier they get more sick and they. have a worse quality of life. i didn't used to think this stuff right. right i didn't think this was important. before. i mistakenly thought that if i got rich. really really rich everything else would. fall into place so when i at 18 years. old. my whole life was centered on this north. star which was getting filthy rich. at the expense of everything and i.

sacrificed everything for that. and i i gotta be honest because this. that's what this podcast is for i felt. that loneliness. i didn't actually like weekends because. they were so empty for me. i didn't have anything to do i'd i'm. sure some of you can relate to this you. know. especially you hustle porn stars out. there that are running your businesses. weekends were just this big [ __ ] void. in my life. there was nothing to do so i just went. to the office my entire life at that. point when i was 18 19 20. was focused on money work business. and after developing this habit of like.

forced. self-induced loneliness for about five. six or seven years. it had really really stuck i was a. self-diagnosed. recluse one that spent all of his time. in the office. on my laptop making more money even. though i already had more money than i. you know could ever possibly need. and at some point thankfully i realized. the. never-ending pointless insanity of my. situation. what was the point in having all of this. money and if i didn't have any. meaningful relationships to enjoy it.

with. life is uh it's a multiplayer game it's. not a solo experience. and i i got to see how miserable. some of my quote unquote successful. friends were. by just being behind the scenes in their. life one of the i guess the positive. things that happened to me when i became. successful quote unquote was i made a. lot of successful friends and those. friends. in many cases were way ahead of me and. and what they did for me. is they showed me what my future would. look like if i carried on how i was.

i got to see behind the scenes behind. their lamborghinis behind their mansions. and i realized that life had lied to me. you know of course progress and success. and striving towards. goals matter like of course right it's. it's made me fulfilled to some degree. but. not at the expense of all the other. things not the expensive meaningful and. frequent human connection. the other thing that i observe when i. when i sort of reflect on on. how our ancestors used to live is just. the sheer simplicity of their lives you. know they lived together in. in caves and these simple huts they were.

hunters and gatherers they used. basic tools which they had made to track. and hunt birds and wild animals they. cooked. their prey around a campfire they fished. they collected berries and fruits and. nuts. their goals were so significantly more. intrinsic. and survival focused than ours are today. they were focused on taking care of. themselves. and one another a very simple life it's. a very simple purpose. without all of this [ __ ] [ __ ] that we. have today without instagram without. politics trump fearful news cycles.

without. two hour work commutes right to get. between four white walls to lock. ourselves in a cubicle without stress. without. traffic without obsessive worrying and. notifications and emails and. inbox zero pressures and social. pressures and expectations of how your. life is meant to be going. without all of that [ __ ] a simpler life. which results in a simpler mind. which is so frequently the thing that. you know. psychologists and therapists prescribe. to all of us when we have illnesses. today to simplify our lives.

but simplifying our lives seems to go. against. society's mandate that expects you to be. so much. that expects career success from you. that expects financial success. material possessions that expects. psychological perfection that expects. physical fitness and health. social status to push yourself out of. your comfort zone to climb the ladder. to have perfect relationships at the. same time to demonstrate the perfect. behavior all while living living in a.

healthy perfect. clear mentally stable mind this level of. like obsessive perfection. and you know accomplishment seeking and. validation hunting. isn't conducive with simplicity not in. the world we live in today. absolutely not it's either one or the. other in many respects. so instead of living you know a simple. life we kind of burn ourselves to the. ground. and then we escape off on holiday which. is usually based on simplicity which is. you know laying down. out in nature and relaxing and doing.

very little. it's like you know there was a quote. from a guest that i had on this podcast. a couple of years ago. i think it was when i had a chat with. the ceo. of leon the restaurant chain and he said. you should never cut down the rainforest. and then donate to the bees and this is. exactly what this strikes me as. you're cutting down your own rainforest. in order to donate to your own bees. ruining yourself so that you can raise. the funds you need to fix yourself it's. like. it feels like insanity and i'm super. guilty of this i have to admit.

so one of the things that i've tried to. introduce into my life is a little bit. more simplicity. scenarios and context that simplify my. life and. every day now i go for a walk there and. back to the gym and i listen to my music. something i didn't do before i just got. an uber. and the other thing that's really helped. simplify my life is just playing with my. dog. pets like kids are amazing for. simplifying your world because they live. in such a simple world like my dog can. spend an hour absolutely amused and. obsessed by like a lucas aid bottle. or like pretending he's hunting it's. like such a remarkable thing when you.

contrast it to the complexity of the. world we live in. if you're looking to simplify your world. briefly. try it if you don't have a dog get a dog. but try it. try going into their world my niece and. my dog are. fascinatingly simple and they're. unassuming. and they're unpretentious and i want to. live more in that world sometimes. and i think this is why some people are. also so incredibly obsessed with nature. all this simplicity seems to calm the. mind you know it sort of re-centers your. soul.

and the next thing you see if you look. back at our ancestors and how they lived. their lives is exactly that they spent. literally all of their time. in nature that's where they lived they. lived in nature. during that i'm going to get this word. wrong right but during the mesolithic. period i got it right 12 000 years ago. they lived. nomadically in camps near rivers and. near other sort of large bodies of water. and today like a bunch of dumbass over. developed monkeys. we live in these concrete jungles alone. between four white walls. the time i spent last month for pretty.

much the whole month living in the costa. rican jungle. was the most wonderful tranquil. experience of my life it was the most. human experience of my entire life. making time in nature has to be a. central part of my routine now. it's a really [ __ ] good decision. especially. for someone like me that lives in a big. busy traffic. ridden noisy chaotic city and lastly. the key thing i see when i look back at. our ancestors was. exercise and nutrition we me you us our. generation. are the most inactive sedentary group of.

humans of all time according to the data. our lifestyles are gradually becoming. more and more still more sat down at our. desks. glaring into these illuminated glass. screens and office blocks. we don't need to hunt and gather anymore. right like our ancestors did which was a. huge source of their physical activity. and exercise because we've got delivery. and ubereats some guy will bring me. any food that i want to my door in 25. minutes and i'll be honest with you it's. not always good food. it's usually you know full of sugar and. artificial substances and.

things like caffeine which move our mood. one way or the other. and also back then we would literally. carve and scavenge for the tools that we. needed to make our food today. amazon prime that [ __ ] will be here. tomorrow i've included this sort of. terrifying graph in my book that shows. the gradual decline of human activity. i've placed it against the graph of. obesity and sugar consumption. and it makes for a pretty alarming read. right we're not living like humans. anymore we live like. lazy gluttonous gorillas he would. increasingly rather go under the knife. on a surgeon's table to change our.

appearance. than make a simple lifestyle change not. very human at all is it. so no wonder we don't feel so human. these days. if this is how you're living certainly. how i was living then you should expect. to not feel great because you're not. living in accordance with your own. natural way of being it's crazy it's. crazy that the new age cures for our. new age problems all seek to take us. back 10 000 years meditation and digital. detoxes are there to. still our mind healthy nutrition to cut. out modern junk foods. therapy friendships and human connection.

to read us of the loneliness and to. connect us back to our tribe. these feelings of loneliness and anxiety. and depression. are often according to the science and. my own personal experience nothing more. than a calling. from our body to get back to our tribes. to be a little bit more human. not to find ourselves but to rediscover. who we were. who we are as humans and if you're. struggling in any way. here's some advice give it a go try and. live a little bit more human.

for me as a sort of mentally busy. career-obsessed. recluse it fundamentally changed my life. i know that for sure and i genuinely. believe that it might be the thing that. could have the greatest impact on yours. okay so for the next point in my diary. i've literally just written humans have. no idea what they want which kind of. ties a little bit into my first point. but it's very very different i want to. tell you a story one of my. very very good friends i won't name him. because that doesn't matter and i keep. referencing friends on this podcast i'm. slowly losing friends so my.

my circle is getting a little bit. smaller i'm just joking one of my good. friends came to my house. last week for a little bit of a catch up. and he sat on my. my sofa over there and he asked me um a. couple of questions about myself and i. turned to him and i said listen. how have you been and somewhat. instinctively as we all do. he replied yeah good and you know. when you're my mate i have to be honest. i [ __ ] hate that response. give that response to someone in like. business or when you're in a networking. event or something like that.

nobody has been yeah good nobody. life fortunately and to be honest. unfortunately isn't that simple. definitely. not in the middle of a global pandemic. where our lives are locked down and. stripped back and have been completely. shifted. nobody's yeah good so i instinctively. replied to him which is a habit i've got. into recently especially with my close. friends. no how have you really been and almost. instantly. literally almost instantly he went yeah. yeah i'm pretty. burnt out to be honest with you and. that's kind of surprising because. you know i'm really lucky and i stopped. him there and the reason i stopped him.

there. is because i've just spent the last. month studying the topic of burnout for. my book. and i wanted to check i wanted to check. if he like. pretty much everyone else i've ever. spoke to fit into the pattern and the. category. that almost everybody fits into when. they experience burnout. i said to him when you say you're. feeling burnt out but you're surprised. because you're lucky. what do you mean by lucky and he said. well you know because you know i've got. all the things ticked off i've got the. money. i've got the car i've got the house and. then i stopped him again and i said. that's why you're burnt out.

because your own self-confessed. definition of career or life. luck and success is extrinsically purely. extrinsically motivated. and as i said in last week's podcast on. almost every occasion where someone is. doing something that they're. motivated to do by largely extrinsic or. external reasons whether it's money or. status or fame or. likes or followers or to obtain like. material objects. where the intrinsic internal rewards. like joy and personal fulfillment. a sense of purpose or a sense of. belonging are limited.

you will inevitably lose your motivation. you'll struggle to get out of bed. and you'll self-diagnose yourself as. everybody seems to do. as being burnt out and let's just take a. look at the world we're living in right. now because it adds a really important. layer of context to all of that. this pandemic has robbed all of us our. lives and our work. of things that made work and our lives. intrinsically enjoyable. you know that feeling of striving. towards a shared goal the social value. of being part of a team in an office. that sense of belonging it gives you. the sense of forward motion and progress.

and purpose and accomplishment. and to be honest in our personal lives. socializing and days out and family and. friends and travel. and this robber the pandemic covert 19. has left most of us. with just the work wake up zoom. to-do list sleep wake up to-do list. sleep. it's left us with just the extrinsic. stuff and to be completely honest. the only thing that makes doing a lot of. the extrinsic stuff like work worthwhile. is the promise of all the intrinsic. stuff socializing community. purpose that it promises you that it.

gives us. but right now it's not giving us that. we're largely alone. not enjoying ourselves much we don't. know what the mission is. we don't know when we're going to be out. of this situation so our work feels. heavily extrinsic therefore pointless. we're doing it to pay the bills we don't. have our colleagues around us anymore. that sense of purpose and mission is. gone therefore we lack motivation. therefore we feel burnt out the more. i've tried to understand the complexity. of humans the more i've realized how. simple. predictable and alike we all are and our.

motivations. don't tend to be that dissimilar with. such fragile emotional. unconscious beings that think we're. strong resilient unique. and in control we're not we're all going. through this [ __ ] together. making the same mistakes predictably. because. we all have a very very similar innate. psychological wiring. and the same psychological factors are. running the show. our working lives have been completely. knocked out of balance. and the work is just that now it's work. social chain my company the company i.

founded and recently resigned from. you know it was renowned for its culture. for its sense of community for the sense. of purpose and that intrinsic pleasure. it gives the people that work there for. the joy of you know the dogs. in the office we had about 10 of them to. be honest we had a happiness team. that would make sure every day when. you're in the office you're feeling good. therapists that were there for you in. the office every single day. we had this sense of mission and purpose. that we were building this business and. forward motion. and uh it was going great because the. business was growing it still is but it. was growing and that gives you purpose.

as well but when a pandemic. and a lockdown strikes all of that stuff. is taken away. all that intrinsic stuff the enjoyment. is taken away. and something that was fundamentally. designed from the ground up to give you. as much joy as a job could possibly give. you becomes. a bunch of people alone in their boxer. shorts on their own little islands. doing their to-do list every day. chatting once in a while on zoom or over. whatsapp or in. shared company groups work becomes work. nothing more that combined with the lack. of structure that everyone has in their.

day now results in. long ass working hours and that has a. huge impact on your sleep and. and all of these things and all the. other problems. sends you straight into a place of. purposelessness low motivation. and when all that happens we we say it's. burnout. and i think everybody's experiencing a. bit of burnout right now. you know every year at christmas uh come. it's. widely known according to the data. companies experience the highest amount. of staff turnover because. you know as those sort of new year's. resolutions and all the introspection.

occurs people decide they want to go. work somewhere else they want a new. challenge. they want something else for their lives. and we always see the same thing as. social chain. and this year we saw that behavior. happen a few months into the pandemic. quite a few people quit more than we've. ever had in the middle of the year ever. before. and part of me knows that this is. because social change pretty much every. company. lost some of its intrinsic value that. community and purpose and fun. and when it loses it and when all you. have is the extrinsic like paying the. bills a lot of people go looking for pay. rises and if you've worked at social.

channel i'm telling you you can get a. pay rise it's got a good brand. people want people that have worked at. social chain and when people to. start to sort of enjoy their work less. they arrive often at the conclusion that. social change is. maybe part of the issue maybe social. change is the reason i'm not enjoying my. work as much. so they go in search of that purpose. somewhere else and people have been. leaving other companies and. in their droves to be honest and wanting. to come to social chain and people have. left social chain wanting to go. elsewhere and this is something that's. happened not in social chain alone. across every business across the whole. country so if you're feeling like [ __ ].

in your job if you're feeling a bit. burnt out if you're lacking motivation. you're feeling i know stagnant. this is probably a large part of the. reason. but going back to the conversation with. my friend which is where this this. started before i went off topic. there's another important layer to. address here my friend. like me had a relatively psychologically. rough start to life with. family issues and issues with his peers. it robbed something from his self-worth. in the same way it did for me. it made him insecure in the same way it. did for me and listen bro i know you're.

listening to this because this guy. he's one of my very good friends he. never misses an episode he always gives. me great feedback i know you're. listening to this. right it takes one to no one. everything i'm saying about you could be. said about me too i too as everyone. knows. grew up with insecurities that made me. try and ball out on social media they. made me buy all the champagne and every. night club i went to made me pull up in. sports cars right. in his case it's made him particularly. intent on showing the world that he is. worthy and that he is successful the. clue of course. is in the fact that when i asked him to.

define what luck or success meant to him. he said a bunch of material things. something some insecurity taught him as. it taught me. that his success would be judged by the. outside world's opinion of him. and as i said in a previous episode of. this podcast the thing that invalidates. you as a kid whether it's sort of lack. of self-worth or a lack of affection or. a lack of a sense of belonging. will be the thing you seek validation. from when you're an adult and. you know failure when both he and i were. young was not being worthy. not feeling as worthy as our peers me. for my own reasons and.

him for a bunch of different reasons and. because. that was our definition of failure that. was the thing that failed us that's what. you know that was the. the worst part of our lives then our. definition of success now. is the opposite think about it if. failure then was not feeling externally. valid or valuable or worthy. success now is feeling externally valid. worthy and valuable. so we we both got big cars nice houses. lots of champagne and we proceeded to. tell and show the world. all of it i guess subconsciously in the.

hope that it would. validate us and we designed our lives to. focus on achieving extrinsic externally. motivated goals like money success. status. and the science is clear on this and my. own personal experience it couldn't be. it could be clearer on this particular. topic according to the science you will. experience. less joy more despair increase your. chances of depression anxiety. and sign yourself up for a hamster wheel. existence where nothing. is ever enough of anti-climax and of. lack of purpose and if you design your. life where your north star is all of.

this. sort of extrinsic meaningless [ __ ]. you're designing out. all of the things that actually. internally matter like meaningful. relationships the two are kind of. mutually exclusive. the things that you enjoy for you for. your own reasons for your own internal. sake. meaningful hobbies and passions and. subsequently the chance of being. fulfilled. happy and free from all the mental. health issues that will inevitably show. up if you live. in such an externally driven way you. know at 18 years old. as a lot of you will know i wrote in my. diary that my goal.

was to buy a range rover um. i wrote there in my diary that a range. rover would be my first car. that was my goal and that was a goal. that was born out of. insecure naivety i guess. definitely a lot of insecurity and it. was a goal written because i wanted to. impress people. and i wanted girls to sleep with me. right. a goal born out of the fact that i. wanted to be validated and fulfilled. and i thought somewhere in me that a. range rover would make me feel secure in.

myself. i got the range rover it was my first. car mission accomplished. it impressed people but. when you think about it it didn't make. me feel secure in myself. all it did was highlighted. but i wasn't it was the consequence of. insecurity. so paradoxically the day i achieved my. goal wasn't the day that i bought the. range rover. it was the day three years later when i. sold it. when i no longer felt that i needed it.

that was the point where i was securing. myself. and that was the goal i was trying to. achieve. and you know going back to my friend for. a second you know he's. just to give you a context of how he's. working he runs his own business but he. works alone. very similar to how a freelance would. work doesn't have like a team of people. around him just kind of working alone at. home at the moment. and you know the world has done just a. phenomenal job of glamorizing the idea. of being your own boss and being a. freelancer. but nobody seems to talk enough about. how miserable this often is and.

let's just factor all of the things that. i've touched on on in this podcast. up till this point about you know. extrinsic goals and the things that make. life meaningful you know the joy of. working in a team of people with a. shared mission. on work that you intrinsically enjoy. doing with as much. intrinsic motivation as possible all of. this stuff is often the absolute. antithesis of freelance work. where you often work alone without a. team on someone else's project for. someone else's purpose. just for the extrinsic reason of money. or paying the bills right. on top of that you have all of the other.

[ __ ] being on japan no work life. balance no work life separation no clock. off time. i'm gonna call this freelancer. depression we're gonna try and make this. a thing freelance and depression. it's something that people who. evangelize about being your own boss and. going alone. and all of the freelance lifestyle never. seemed to mention that much. and to be fair this pandemic has made us. all freelancers to some degree it's. robbed us all of that intrinsic. rewarding stuff. i i guess i just want to i just want to. tell you one more thing. now that i've left social chain and i'm. technically unemployed.

i was i sat on the sofa it was actually. yesterday with my it's actually. yesterday night before i recorded this. podcast with my assistant. and she turned to me and she asked me a. question she said do you miss all the. travelling. and the chaos of your old life and i. said to her like what do you mean. what do you mean and she said well you. know you used to be up at 3am every day. running all over the world pitching and. speaking on stage. and for a second i paused and reflected. and the thought of doing any of that. stuff now [ __ ] repulsed me. i couldn't think of anything worse but.

i mean this is a big but i absolutely. used to love it i absolutely used to. love it made me so fulfilled but now. you couldn't pay me to do that and the. reason for this the reason for this sort. of monumental shift. in my mind is because when i was at. social chain i was working with people i. loved attached to a shared meaningful. purpose. and a mission and we were building. something amazing together when you. remove that and ask me if i want to run. around the world catching. five flights a week and living in hotels. 50 weeks a year it seems.

totally bizarre and repulsive and. pointless it seems like. such a sacrifice for nothing i would. hate to do that. and it brings me back to the moment in. my life where you know. i think i've talked about this on the. podcast before where i was technically. freelance for the first time it was. after i was 21 years old. i just exited my first startup wall park. and i hadn't started social chain yet. i was being paid i've got to be honest. with you about 70 grand a month by. companies all over the world. to help them as a consultant run their. businesses to advise their marketing. and i was in this i was in um i turned.

to my mate dom. in our penthouse apartment in manchester. on the 20 we own three floors up there. i'm not bragging i'm just providing a. bit of context which i think is. important. and i told him exact quote if i go. downstairs right now and i send this one. email. i'll make 20k straight away. and i just can't find the [ __ ]. motivation to do it. and i don't know why it's 20k that's. what i said to him. verbatim exactly and the reason. was because at that point even at the. point where i was making 5k a month.

consistently. something as extrinsic as a little bit. more money was not motivation enough. it would have no intrinsic material. impact on my life so the cost of walking. down. some stairs and writing an email felt. greater than the reward. but when i you know when i think about. the moment i went from being a. freelancer to when social change started. i was working with people i loved on a. shared meaningful mission. to build something [ __ ] a flight of. stairs i was flying to the ukraine at. 2am on the off chance that someone might.

work with us. and i did that like a dog for. seven or eight years i didn't have a. motivation problem. when i was a freelancer it wasn't a. motivation problem right as. people often sort of self-diagnose it. wasn't a lack of motivation that stopped. me walking down the stairs in my. penthouse and sending that one email. that would make 20 grand. i had a purpose problem and the same. applies to the conversation i had with. my pa you know. when i think about sprinting around the. world pitching speaking living in hotels. and sacrificing my life now. it feels so [ __ ] pointless because.

i've left social chain. so i'm i guess i'm detached from the. purpose and the mission that i had then. and i i finally understand for the first. time in my life. why people who looked at my life back. then and often said to me you know. how did you do it you know why did you. sacrifice everything. are you crazy when do you sleep all of. these questions um. are you okay i used to get asked all the. time um how did you find the motivation. all the time to. to run the business and all of these. things why you know sleeping in the. office in the weekends why did you work. so hard. it all makes sense now because when i.

look back. without the attachment to that mission. that i had then to me it. it looks bizarre i'm asking old stephen. why the [ __ ] did you do all of that. because right now i can't feel that. purpose so all i can feel is the. sacrifice. but i guess that's that's how you behave. i guess that's how you behave when you. have a deep sense of purpose in the work. you're doing so i guess my conclusion is. this. the answer to loving your work and being. as being the best at it which i think. that i eventually became within my. company. is working with people you love striving.

towards a shared worthwhile goal. for your own intrinsically rewarding. reasons and if you can do that. i think you'll also do a pretty good job. of avoiding burnout. you'll do you'll do the work of your. life for sure like i did at social chain. and you'll remain fulfilled the whole. time. that little insight helped me so i. really hope it helps you. and so the next point in my diary is one. that i haven't fully developed yet my. thinking on so i'm kind of hoping. i can do this out loud with you together. what i've written is one of the hardest. things in life is to avoid a good.

opportunity. so that you have time to devote to great. opportunities and. since i've left social chain and i'm now. technically unemployed but i have a. great reputation i have a great track. record. um i gotta be honest my inbox every day. is full of just. amazing opportunities but the amount of. time that i have every day has remained. the same. i have the same 24 hours and i'm being. bombarded with. offers and jobs and opportunities to do. this and that and the other. and i know that if i choose to accept. any of those opportunities.

i'm doing it at the expense of something. else which i've talked a lot about in. this podcast. and so one of the real challenges and. one of the real sort of. talents that i'm trying to foster in. myself is being so clearly attached to. my long-term values and goals and where. i want to go and who i want to be. that i'm able to look at a really good. opportunity. whether it's financial or you know other. or status or whatever it might be or for. my personal brand or whatever it might. be. and say no now and and. to do that you have to have real faith.

in yourself but you also have a. have to have a real attachment to who. you want to become and your long-term. goals. and it's something that i'm genuinely. struggling with because never in my life. as i said have i had more. people in my inbox asking me to become. directors and ceos of their companies. and offering me shares to come and help. them. and so i just wanted to share a few. things which i which i have written in. my diary about how i make the decision. and whether to take an opportunity or to. not it's fairly fairly simple the first. one as i said. is by being super clear on the person. that i want to become in the future.

and the first check i can do is is doing. this opportunity going to move me closer. or further away by. costing me time to becoming that person. and the next one which i consciously ask. myself all the time now. is if i become that person that i want. to become in the future by remaining. loyal to that sort of long-term image of. who i want to become and my values. will this opportunity come back around. and for about 90 of the opportunities. about 95 percent. it will definitely come back around in. even greater abundance and value. if i become the person i want to become.

and the last thing i do is i attribute a. financial value to an hour of my time. and i've read a lot about this naval's. talked about this at length as well and. philosophers and. you know people that i respect in the. business world have told me about this. as well. what you want to do is think of a really. big number for me it's about ten. thousand pounds. i say to myself that one hour of my time. is worth ten thousand pounds. and my rationale for that is based on. what i was able to create with my time. historically so you think about social. change in the business and what it. became and how much it's worth.

when i go through and think about how. much each year. added to that value i can quite. comfortably say you know. a year of my time is worth say 10. million or 20 million quid and when you. think from that framework and when you. really attribute huge amounts of value. to your time you're able to cut things. out quickly that don't meet that value. it's something that i genuinely. recommend everyone does. i'm not saying attribute 10k an hour to. your time but even if it's a thousand. dollars start there say my time. one hour of my time is worth a thousand. dollars and if you think through that. lens.

i swear to god the opportunities that. will come to you the ones that you'll. accept will be of. significantly more value and ultimately. that means you'll spend. more of your time more of your hours on. things of higher. value and then that's what your life. will become high value. give it a try the next point in my diary. i understand is quite a controversial. one. um i've just written marriage monogamy. and me listen. and i've spent a lot of time in this. podcast talking about relationships and. my views on marriage and the. relationship struggles that i've had and. before i say what i'm going to say i.

want to appreciate the fact that this is. a completely nuanced subjective topic. but here's my thinking i'm 28 years old. and i don't know. i don't believe that marriage is the. right answer. a couple of reasons let's just start. with some fundamental principles pretty. much every. every way that i think is based on first. principles i don't think for a star. that the law and that religion have a. great track record on pretty much. anything historically and i think that. marriage is a construct that's been. passed down from one generation to. another.

throughout our society without real. interrogation. because we've all done that and i can. literally predict. um the dms that i'm gonna get which. which tell me that. i'm naive and that i don't understand. which like listen. probably true right but that's the whole. point of like me. scrolling in my diary i like this to be. a two-way thing where you can just. message me and say steve you're an idiot. and you do. you guys do you i get the messages you. don't understand the world fine that's. probably true. i know it's true i don't understand. everything and that's part of the reason. i'm doing this but getting back to the. point.

um for me the concept of marriage. when you look at the fundamentals of. signing and assigning this commitment. and going to a church and the. legal and religious ramifications of. some marriages. it just feels really insecure it's like. if i love someone. why do i need a contract why do i need. to go to church why do i need to get the. law involved if i. love someone what has any of that got to. do with. courts and contracts if i love someone. and if i'm secure enough. to believe that they love me too that.

they won't they won't leave me. and sometimes i think it's a bit like. trapping a cat in a corner because. when you're in a marriage and when. you're in a situation which feels kind. of imprisoned or. like you can't leave um i think. issues might become somewhat magnified. right. you know the worry and the anxiety of. not being able to leave because of that. rain or that contract or because of. the way you set up your life i actually. think it might make issues bigger than. they are. and it's something that i've really. pondered you know i have a track record. in my life of really like.

interrogating stuff i interrogated. school to the point that i stopped going. in university to the point that i went. to one lecture and decided that it was. a completely broken concept and i'm. starting to do the same with marriage. and people will hear different things. when i say this right largely based on. their own. opinions in life and their own. experiences and this comes from my own. experience probably largely. largely from the experience of watching. a very dysfunctional toxic marriage that. my parents had. and i'm not saying marriages can't be. brilliant some of my friends have the. best marriages some of their parents. have the most amazing marriages too.

i'm just saying as a one-size-fits-all. concept. i think it needs a little bit of. questioning um. i i'm all down for the commitment i. think i'm still developing my ideas. there on monogamy but the commitment. part isn't the thing i have issue with. it's the like marriage part the law the. contract and all that nonsense. i want to talk about monogamy too. because. oh this is going to be controversial but. um i'm also. not completely convinced that we're. meant to be monogamous. i'm not completely convinced that we're.

meant to have one partner. like i'm down for it because i. understand the way that the world is. wired at the moment. um but this might be the most. controversial thing i've ever saw in. this podcast. but i think if we all i think of a huge. amount of us. are honest with ourselves and this is. based on the behavior we exhibit. we would probably sleep with someone. else that was smoking heart. we don't because we value the. relationship and we don't. we know that the relationship is worth. more than.

a one-night stand with someone else and. we're mature enough to. understand the consequences of our. actions but i think. if you were to anonymously poll people. and say listen would you sleep with. someone else that was hot if it had no. material impact on your marriage. i think if we're being honest with. ourselves a lot of us would but i think. 99.9. of us wouldn't want our partner sleeping. with someone else and this all of this. speaks to the fact. that i'm not sure as humans. as men as women we are innately.

meant to be monogamous i think that. society has played a huge role in that. i also think that over the the coming. decades i think you'll see real shifts. in this. probably not with me because i'm not. going to get to the point where i i'm. down with someone i love sleeping with. someone else if i'm. completely honest but i think it's. broken. i think marriage is broken i think like. university it's broken you know if. if i told you there was tvs for sale at. a shop on a corner but 50. of the tvs failed you wouldn't go and. buy a tv and it's the same for marriage. 50 of marriages fail and if you think.

about the concept of marriage. it's till death do us part but 50 of the. time it's not till death. does this part it's till that girl. slides in your dms and you meet her and. you bang her and then you you know your. marriage falls depart or. that guy slides in your dms and you go. for a coffee with him and your boyfriend. finds out and. your husband finds out he dumps you the. concept seems broken and i. but i don't know the answer i don't know. what the alternative is i know that it's. going to have to be commitment-centric. but i feel that maybe when it comes to. my life. i'm not going to seek marriage i might.

try and create some kind of new age. urane. arrangement with my partner where we're. committed to each other where we have. the party the celebration which i think. is [ __ ] awesome by the way. but we don't sign all the contracts and. we remain as two separate. you know independent humans that have. come together in the middle through love. without religion or without the law. it's just an idea some of you will. disagree let me know what you think in. the comments section below or let me. know what you think in my inbox or my. my twitter because this is a super. controversial topic and it's one that.

we're going to be talking about. i think next week with a very um awesome. person who is also developing. his opinion on this i don't want to give. the the. don't let the cat out the bag on this. one but trust me next week is going to. be one hell of a conversation. the last point in my diary this week is. kind of linked to a lot of the stuff. that i've said. throughout this conversation this chat. today about. extrinsically living your life through. society's image of how you should be. living. i've just written that fitting in is a. curse and the more you can be. you the more happy you will be the more.

you fit into society. the less free you actually are i think. about my time in school. and you know and we've all had that. experience in school where we want to. wear the clothes everyone's wearing we. got our hair cut the same way. we listen to the music that is cool to. listen to and how like. trapped that way of living is in fact. what i've come to learn as i've gotten. older and as i've gone through life and. i've become my own person and i've taken. some of these shackles off. is the closer i've gotten to being steve. who steve. actually is the weirdo that i naturally.

am and that you naturally are the. expressing myself in a way that is true. to myself in the words that i want to. without worrying about who's going to. cancel me or judge me. or my friends or friends might say you. know fake friends whatever. the more happy i've become the more. successful i've become it's made. this podcast interesting right because i. am myself there's this isn't acting this. is what i think and how i feel every. week and i don't think about the impact. of it. the closer i've got into not fitting in. to being who i. am the more happy i've become and i. think it's just something to really.

reflect on because. there's so much of our lives that are. sort of imprisoned by this idea of. conformity and fitting in and being one. of the girls or being one of the lads or. you know wearing those clothes or those. shoes or being you know. being socially accepted and almost on. every occasion i can't think of one. reason. or one instance where that is an. intrinsic. intrinsically motivated thing to do and. so the science says as we've talked. about in this podcast that will lead you. to the despair the lack of joy the. depression anxiety and.

and in many cases to mid-life crises. when you realize that you've been living. your life on someone else's terms for. someone else's reasons. i'm on a mission whether it's through. this podcast which is my diary my. thoughts. or whether it's through everything else. that i produce do or the work that i. pursue. whether it's how i dress whether it's. through the diary of a ceo live show. that i'm doing. to really [ __ ] be me to think for. myself and thinking for yourself isn't. easy. we think it is and this goes back to the. point of us thinking we're in control. and getting to the bottom of what your.

motivations really are. i'm really really trying my my very very. best at all times to just be. steve and if there's anything that's had. a bigger. impact on my success my happiness it's. exactly that. isn't it weird when we think about our. goals for the future. we often say that we want to be x we. want to be like. x person we want to be like x thing when. really. we shouldn't aspire to be more like our.

idols we should. be aspiring to be even more ourselves. the unfiltered uncaring. unassuming intrinsically motivated. version of ourselves. maybe that's the secret maybe this whole. podcast is has led to that conclusion. maybe this whole series is about that. maybe that's what life is about maybe. that's the meaning of life. maybe the meaning of life is exactly. that you start. in the womb you pop out life tells you. you are something it tells you to.

conform in the classroom on the. playground. and maybe we're not just on the journey. to being more human. but we're on the journey to being. ourselves maybe that's what it's all. about. being more human. and being more like yourself. thank you so much for listening to this. episode of the diary of a ceo. listen if you're on the podcast store or. you're in spotify or you're listening to. it in some kind of app.

do me a huge huge favor leave a review. and hit the subscribe button. if you're watching this on youtube right. now i need another favor i need you to. hit the like button and if you'd be so. generous to leave a comment. one person that does this will be. joining me in march at the diary of a. ceo live. show in manchester and you'll be coming. backstage and meeting me and the other. members of our team. thank you so much for listening i'll see. you again next monday.

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