The No.1 Celebrity Therapist: The WEIRD Trick To Get Your Sex Life Back! - Marisa Peer

I took 16 000 therapists there's only. three things wrong with every person. that turns up at your door first of all. Marissa up here the worldwide renowned. therapist was royalty International. CEOs and Olympic athletes this woman. definitely knows a thing or two thousand. about how we take control of our. thoughts eighty percent of your success. is down to your beliefs but it also it. damages so many people because if you're. thinking I'm not good enough smart. enough attractive enough your mind's job. is to make your thoughts real even if.

it's not true a classic example of sex. so many of my clients couldn't conceive. because their husband didn't have enough. sperm but when men have sex with a. stranger they triple their sperm count. and really damages so many people. because it's an impossible expectation. to live up to so many people have. affairs not because they don't love. their partner because they're missing. out but it's all about what you have. chosen to believe so you've got to. reverse that language and the other. thing that people do a lot it really. messes up your sex life to call your.

partner mommy or daddy because. Marissa how do I avoid sugar it seems to. grab me food has memories not the. chocolate it's the feeling you felt when. you couldn't have it and you can give. yourself the feeling without the thing. anyway it's really easy too how should I. hypnotize you so we can change it let's. do it now okay close your eyes. and here's the magic sentence that. changes your life.

I got hypnotized in this episode Marissa. hypnotizes me to completely end my sugar. cravings and you're gonna see it happen. and you're gonna find out if it works so. stick around. [Music]. Marissa. I've been trying to figure something out. I've been trying to figure out if we get. to choose our beliefs. and I actually wrote about this in my. book recently and I I feel like you're.

the person to ask this question because. I know that our lives are governed by. these beliefs that we have about the. world ourselves and everything in. between but can we choose them I think. so you know when I was here last time. you asked me about my childhood which I. don't talk about a lot it wasn't awful. but it also wasn't amazing but the. beliefs I had then. so totally different to the beliefs I. have now because I chose to give myself. better beliefs because you know you make. your beliefs and then you'll believe. turn right around and make you and then. confirmation bias means you look for.

proof of what you have chosen to believe. and you'll find it so if you say oh I. hate cats they're vicious things that. scratch you they're really Aloo for I. don't like dogs they're Barker yappy. horrible things then if you believe that. about a dog and you meet a dog you'll. feel so anxious that that will become. true but if you say oh I love dogs. they're the most loyal gorgeous loving. things then you'll have a different. energy around them. so you should choose your beliefs you. should constantly upgrade update.

question nobody where did I get that. from is that true who told me that. belief and even if it's true for them. does it have to be true for me you know. I see a lot of women who say things like. well you know if you're really famous. and Rich you'll never find a guy because. a hundred years ago that was probably. true men didn't go for Rich successful. women because they wanted them at home. but it's not true now so your. grandmother's belief is not your belief. I love my daughter's generation who. don't do body shaming or fat shaming and. have a whole different language which I.

think is so refreshing. so you can always choose your beliefs. and you really should constantly check. why do I even believe that is it even. true because so often it's not true at. all it's just something you've been. taught or you've just gone along with it. anyway so in the case of cats then you. know I like all animals but cats I do. think you know the way you describe them. they're a little bit scratchy yeah. sometimes a little bit you know Annoying. not as loving as dogs maybe I'm gonna. annoy a lot of cat people here. um. if that is my belief.

if I say to myself okay no cat's a. wonderful they're lovely you know. they're fantastic they don't scratch Etc. I feel like I'm just lying to myself and. I you know this is the case with. self-belief as well I could I could say. that yeah I'm amazing and attractive and. all these things but. in my subconscious mind. after getting I don't know bullied at. seven years old by a kid that called me. fat and whatever else. am I just not lying to myself well I. think you should lie to yourself I think. you should lie to yourself I think you. should lie cheat and steal every day of.

your life lie to your mind cheat fear. and steal back the confidence you were. born with so it's imagine you're going. for an exam you go I'm gonna fail it I'm. gonna mess it up I've got a terrible. memory I know when I read that paper my. mind's gonna go blank and I'm going to. blow it. so that's a belief but you could also. say I've got a great memory everything I. studied for this exam is in my head when. I read the paper. the questions are going to come up and. I'm going to remember the answers and. I'm super chilled at exams I'm cool calm.

collected I'm going to ace this exam so. if you repeat that over and over again. you see the subconscious doesn't think. it just feels and if you say I'm nervous. I'm so nervous and you the subconscious. feels that then when you're nervous the. Mind shuts down all the blood rushes to. your heart and your mind empties it's. like if you're crossing a road in a. and I don't think should I go left right. forwards back would you just move. because in fear you don't think you move. so when you're scared your mind empties. I remember years ago I was coming home.

and this guy was following me and I knew. he was following I knew I had minutes to. get in my door and I couldn't get the. key and I couldn't remember which I did. I'm like oh my God I have all the times. to forget how this key works I lived it. for five years but I was so scared I. couldn't remember how to open my door at. all because when you're scared your. brain empties. so if you go into an exam going I'm. scared I'm nervous You Won't Do Well if. you say. I got a great memory I love exams I'm. excited about this exam I'm so excited.

I'm going to be assessed I'm going to do. really well or I'm going to this. assessment I'm going to ace it this. person is going to love me and see that. I'm so smart and my answers will show. them that I know I'm talking about the. mind doesn't go oh come on that silly. the Mind goes okay. whatever you say. you make it real your mind's job is to. make your thoughts real the subconscious. doesn't think it only feels and if your. mind's job is to make your thoughts real. in your job is to think better thoughts. all the time so imagine you're going to.

have a needle stuck in your arm. you go oh that's going to hurt and. that's going to be so pain but you could. I always read my phone and if you cough. just as a needle goes in it confuses. your mind and you don't feel it is that. lying or is it just taking your mind. somewhere else. that's the because I I think if I can. choose my beliefs then I can unchoose. beliefs but I couldn't do it again a. single belief I have now that I could. genuinely unchoose I can see it yes but. I think I'd still believe it yeah but.

the thing with the mind is there's a. couple of rules of the Mind One is let. me give you a couple that will help you. every thought you think is a blueprint. that your mind and body work to make. real every thought you think has a. physical reaction and indeed an. emotional response and here's another. one the Mind learns by repetition so. when you think a thought a lot over and. over again it becomes real if even if. it's not real so if you think a thought. my neighbor's driving me crazy they're.

so noisy I can never sleep I can hear. their television they're getting on my. nerves. it'll become your reality if you say. it's a little bit irritating but I can. put my headphones on I can tune out then. you'll have a different reaction to the. same event you know we don't have to. change events we have to change how we. think about the events it's like saying. oh this commute to work is killing me. you know this this being on this freeway. is driving me crazy but someone else.

will go wow I'd love to be on you've got. a car and you're going to a job and. you're getting paid that's my fantasy. dream come true. don't have to change a thing you have to. change how you think about the thing so. that is changing your beliefs and the. belief is really just the thought you. think a lot so you're born as a blank. slate where did you get those thoughts. from who gave them to you so the beliefs. you think you can't change. where do they come from let's do they. know where do the beliefs you think you. can't change come from. so I think one of the recurring beliefs.

I've had about myself yes which I think. goes back a long as long as I can. remember to be honest is that I am. fundamentally unorganized unorganized. okay we'll be surprised to hear that. because I'm very I'd say productive my. output is high but the organization of. my stuff even if you looked in my bag it. would be like a jumble sale my house as. well if I didn't have a cleaner I think. it would be you know it'll be like a. bomb had gone off in there I heard you. saying actually on a podcast that when.

you go your hotel room is very messy and. it upsets you but not enough to make you. change it you've been listening. no you're right I think there's there's. a habit or something that I've built. into myself where I think I've told. myself it's faster to be messy yeah and. but then the the dissonance or the the. issue that I take with it is that's not. who I want to be I want to be a messy. person I want to be someone who comes. into the hotel room goes into their. suitcase and hangs everything up so that. tomorrow is easier what happens is I.

dive into the suitcase pull my gym. equipment out and run to the gym and. it's something I want to change because. it's almost like this concession in my. life where I've gone well that's just. who I am I'm just a messy person and I. think we'll label ourselves and of. course when you do that now you're. making it really say no I can't spell. but my dad couldn't spell and now it's. genetic so every time you say I'm just a. messy person the strongest force in you. and everyone in the world is you must. act in a way that utterly matches up. with how you have chosen to Define you.

so if you start by changing that and. saying I love being organized it gives. me such joy to be all I love putting So. when you say it say it say it. it will start to change so if the last. three weeks have been staying in a place. with an amazing gym and I started to a. love working out with really really. heavy weights because you know I got run. over and I started to get muscle. weightage in my leg I was going I love. heavy heavy weights I love it and I was. really a Pilates yoga person but for the. last three weeks I get up and I'm in the. gym at half seven and go I love heavy.

weights and I I didn't like it before. but I just I decided to say it over and. over again because when you say State. and affirm something your mind must make. it real so all you have to do really is. to start saying a lot I love being. organized it gives me immense joy to put. stuff away I love it when everything's. in its place and I'm in a hotel and sure. I run when I come back I put my gym kit. in a particular place. and I love that feeling of being super. organized and very quickly it will start.

to change because you're thinking a. thought that your mind has no choice but. to make real. but it's also true you know you think a. thought but and you your mind can't help. it it has to make you know we do that we. did that thing with a lemon didn't we. where you think you're eating a lemon we. ever done that what's that what's that. well let's do it now so put your hand in. front of your mouth yeah. imagine you're holding half of a great. big fat juicy lemon close your eyes and. just put that lemon right up to your.

nose. and breathe in that amazing lemon smell. because nothing really smells quite like. a lemon. now squeeze that lemon so hard so that. lemon drops pucker onto the surface. stick out your tongue. lick off the lemon. open your mouth really wide and shove. that entire lemon into your mouth and I. want you to start sucking and biting and. chewing all the flesh literally just. bite into that lemon until the lemon. drops burst onto your tongue and your.

taste buds pucker and swell as you start. to chew that lemon suck that lemon swirl. that lemon all around your mouth keep. eating the lemon suck it chew it swirl. it around. and then open your eyes. did you start pumping out saliva yes I. did and so here's a question was there a. lemon no there was no lemon that's true. there was no lemon you could also say. yes which is also true they're both true. no there wasn't but yes there actually. was where was it where was the lemon.

that was making you make saliva in my. head in your head yeah it wasn't. anywhere else it was in your head just. do another one put your own right arm. out towards me and just swing your arm. behind you as far as it will go and have. a look at where it's going just look. behind you to notice where it is bring. it back I think you went up to like the. third book on that bookshelf I want you. to imagine close your eyes and tell your. mind my arm's gonna go a third further. I'm now like a bendy Barbie and Ken doll.

my arm is so flexible it's going first I. want you to imagine all the muscles in. your right arm becoming super flexible. like cooked pasta. open your eyes. put your arm out and say to your arm. you're going a third further now you're. like a pretzel you're super flexible go. a third further swing your arm back and. just watch as it goes a third further. now look at how far it's gone. um you are only up to the third book. before so what happened then.

um I. just believed my arm was going to go. further and it did yeah and you see and. for men I get men who say you know I I. can't please my wife I can't get an. erection I can't keep it going and and. she's going to leave me and if I tell. them other things you know you're a. great lover you can maintain an erection. for 20 minutes or 10 minutes or the. average is about four and a half minutes. that starts to happen they don't do. anything else they said listen to. recording that says you have longer.

erections you can have a great sex life. you can wait until your partner orgasms. and it all becomes true because every. time they say but I can't do it it's all. over in a minute I can't please her or. him. they actually make that real but when. you just change a thought you know. there's a song called Love Changes. Everything by climbie Fisher but. actually thoughts change everything. when you think of thought it's such a. game changer. erections yes.

it's so interesting because in my. friendship group with my male friends. we've spoken about. sex life libido. erections a lot yeah. um we've all struggled in different ways. at different times with this and it it's. one of the areas in life where it's so. clear to me that thoughts are the. problem and the solution yeah because. again if a man thinks about sex looks at. pictures looks at a movie and gets.

aroused you get a very physical reaction. straight away even if there's no one in. the room with you so that's a classic. example of thinking a thought about. being aroused turned on feeling sexually. attracted and your body makes it real. even there's no one there and it can be. at a wedding coming event it can be. highly embarrassing for Guyton to get an. erection in the wrong place but if you. think a thought. I'm turned on here the body means it. does it for women too but it's not so. obvious for us we can kind of hide it. but yes it's a thought I can't do it I.

can I'm gonna fail I'm going to succeed. do you work with people often that have. sexual dysfunction all the time is it. becoming more popular or more prevalent. in your view. I think people are more able to talk. about a lot of women countries I can't. orgasm I'm I can't orgasm at all I don't. know what to do all my friends having. massive orgasms but me the more I try. the harder it is. I don't think that's true apparently our. grandmother's had more sex than us but I.

think now we have all this pressure we. watch porn we watch other people talking. about their amazing sex we think oh I'm. not like that but it's very easy to make. your body super orgasmic but I think. before we didn't talk about that my. grandmother would have never talked. about. orgasms or having a design a vagina or a. Brazilian even know what that was so. we're in a different generation now. where. you know every year there's another way. to hate your body even your genitals. have got to be perfect now and I think. it's so much pressure for people I've.

got to look like a porn star have sex. like a porn star and porn really damages. so many people because it's such an. impossible expectation to live up to. seems that pressure as it relates to sex. it's the enemy yeah of course especially. for I can only speak from a guy's. perspective because that's what I've. ever been but if there's ever pressure. in the bedroom there is zero chance on. getting an erection of course because. comparison is a thief of joy. and we're so busy comparing ourselves to.

porn stars and someone who looks like. the Kardashians who has a perfect body. and everything's perfect it's not really. like that have you ever worked with men. that have um sexual dysfunction issues. yeah a lot of them with premature. ejaculation erectile dysfunction all of. it I've got a friend who I would say if. it was me okay because I feel like I I. like to be honest everyone's got a. friend it sounds like I'm talking about. something like talking about myself but. there's a couple of things I'll talk. about from my own perspective in the. sexual department but.

um my friend was in a relationship he. was in the relationship for a couple of. years and then halfway through the. relationship. he could no longer keep an erection and. he was talking to me a lot about it and. then he ended up ending the relationship. because he had convinced himself it was. impossible to change that and in fact I. know a lot of guys that struggle with. this and there was a point where I was. one of them where I just seemed to get. this thought in my head. about sex. and I struggled to. to keep an erection but also just to.

keep myself hmm. to want sex yeah. there's gonna be people listening to. this right now that are in that. situation where something has just. changed every time they go to bed it's. just this high pressure situation yeah. um they they can't get an erection. therefore they're avoidant of having sex. what do you say to those people. you know it's really interesting because. we we want intimacy we think I want to. fall in love with someone that finishes. my sentences that knows when I'm hungry.

that knows I'm having a bad day that. just knows me inside out and loves my. very soul. which is wonderful but what great sex. requires this mystery what eroticism. requires it's not intimacy at all so in. the beginning even for the first it's. all new you don't know what they're. going to do how they're going to do it. it's all very exciting it's all new and. so for men especially you know it's. great maybe for the first two years and. then it's like oh like one of my clients. said every time my husband comes to bed. with just his pajama top on and they.

want sex but it's so unromantic I mean. he just doesn't bother to put the pajama. bottoms on it's like oh God is that his. idea of foreplay I mean how many people. say you know it's always every Saturday. morning before we go and do the food job. and it's so predictable. many people have affairs not because. they don't love their partner but. because they're missing out so you have. intimacy which is like the love being in. love and knowing each other and loving. each other and you know not caring if. your wife's got her period or your. husband's got a bit of bad breath or.

their tired or they've got a cold you. just love them anyway but then you have. eroticism which is amazing sex great sex. neuroticism really likes mystery. suspense bit of edginess bit of. naughtiness bit of the unknown and they. don't go together they really don't go. together at all but there is one thing. that makes them go to and that's called. fantasy there's a bridge that links. eroticism. to intimacy into eroticism and it's. called fantasy well I think oh isn't. that being unfaithful to my partner sure. I shouldn't fantasize but.

actually Fifty Shades of Gray which was. not a great book at all but it taught. people a lot about oh I can fantasize I. can read this book and I can pretend I'm. Anastasia with Mr Gray. and it that perfected so well because it. allowed people to fantasize and so if. you have a relationship of 30 years I. mean I'm great friends with John and. Missy but to be married for 35 years. there are a couple that created a life. book they live in Hawaii but they talk a. lot about how they have a very erotic.

sex life after 35 years it's like red. hot but they understand it's all about. but a mystery bit of drama bit of. suspense I'm very lucky that my husband. I travel all over the world so we never. have all Saturday night Saturday. mornings have sex then go to Sainsbury's. that's just not in our agenda so we. always have a bit of newness going on. but for men even if you love your. partner so much when it becomes. predictable. it's like. the throw goes you know that song about.

where's the throgon I've lost the thrill. the thrill isn't there so you have to. put a bit of work back into making your. sex life thrilling and moving it away. and so it's it's hard when you love. someone but you know everything about. them and they about you and it's like. well there's no newness here obviously. you know I go on holiday we have great. sex why is that well you're not thinking. about the laundry or anything else you. can just really let go and you're in a. different place and you can be someone. else. like you often hear about people going. on holiday like girls do Ibiza and going.

wild and then they would never be like. that at home because it gives you a. chance to be someone else. so sometimes. in your sex life you have to take that. chance and use drama mystery suspense. edginess just like I was telling one of. my clients I went home I went home and. said to my husband dominate me so what. shall I do she went well dominate me. said yeah but watch as well that's the. point don't ask me what how can you. dominate me if I have to tell you what. to do I want to feel overpowered by your.

maleness when you say well what shall I. do you're more like a girl and a boy and. I don't like that because of course. Opposites Attract especially in sex even. if we're a same-sex relationships. Opposites attract. and that's very exciting we're building. together a long time they try to make. their partner like them. and they forget that Opposites Attract. so if you keep trying to make your. partner like you. and they can try to make you like them. then you haven't got the Opposites. attracting anymore and then it kind of.

disappears and the other thing that. people do a lot I mean My grandmother. used to call her husband dad or daddy. and that was a bit weird but that was. maybe her it wasn't a sexual thing she. said come on dad get out of the way and. what do you want for tea dad and they. they had no sex at all she thought there. was the most disgusting thing in the. world but the minute. your partner becomes mummy or daddy and. many women and the best of attention say. things like have you taken your vitamins. today. you know where a code's going to get. cold did you pay the bill I knew you.

wouldn't do that you're becoming either. critical mommy or loving mummy. and then we have the opposite some men. are very controlling so you can't have. that you're not going to have that they. become controlling Daddy and the minute. your partner is in any way mummy or. daddy you can't have sex with them. because who wants to have sex with their. parents that's really weird and many. people don't realize how as they say in. a long relationship they take on the. role of critical parent blaming parent. judging parents. and then you have no desire left so.

you've got to be very careful not to let. that happen and especially when you have. children and then you say mommy can you. get Andy a um. tissue Daddy can you get Susie her gym. bag and even though you don't mean it. you're now saying mommy daddy people do. that with their pets even Daddy get um. take Toby for a walk or mummy take and. it's like it really messes up your sex. life to call your partner mommy or daddy. so interesting it is isn't it even when.

you were saying then about the lady that. came home and said to her partner. dominate me and he went how no he said. what shall I do yeah which is like it's. it's the antithesis of domination but it. kind of speaks to. 10 years of him just trying to please. her you know yeah but also there is bad. Community she should have said hey you. know what you do you do the sandwich you. go hey you know we've been together for. seven or eight years and we're great but. you know I've got this thing I would. love you to dominate me like this I'd. love you to pretend to be the postman or.

the gardener or I'd love you to pretend. to be someone it would really excite me. if you could do that because then it. would just be exciting and then they go. oh okay I get it I've got to pretend to. be the postman or the gardener or. and I was a lot of women who couldn't. conceive and this is where I learned. this from so many of my clients couldn't. conceive because their husband didn't. have enough sperm but when men have sex. with a stranger they triple their sperm. outtake and when women have sex with a. stranger their cervix to suck up the. sperm so when I realized it's a great.

book called sperm Wars it tells you all. look I thought okay so I wrote them like. I said okay this is what you've got to. do you've got to go home. pretend you're I don't know when I asked. you would ask and your husband but you. mustn't speak because that's going to. ruin it and then have sex but make have. some kind of go to a hotel of course the. men love it has to talk no no talking. just act out this fantasy because he. will triple his sperm outtake your. cervix will tilt and it's like it's like. IUI it's like um you have more sperm and. so many might have said well I got.

pregnant you know I've tried all this. over going up the road to the whole day. and pretended he was like the plumber or. anything at all. and that word we got pregnant like that. because he made so much more sperm and. so isn't that interesting that wasn't. about fantasy it was about how can you. get more sperm how can you become more. fertile what can you do and these were. just silly little things that help men. and women who were trying really hard. over had a low sperm count get pregnant. why does that happen why does the sperm.

count triple in the cervix tilt well. let's imagine you know that we're in a. tribe and there's some people there. and nature the human species must go on. so for men when they impregnate the same. person over and over again they've made. her fragment many times but a new person. if you get a new person pregnant. straight away that's how the human race. continues you know one of my friends was. telling me this story about in New. Zealand with the Rams and he said you. know you would buy the male Rams and.

you'd drive them to the field and they. could smell the film as they started. ramming the door that's why they called. Rams and when you finally get there you. open the gate and they charge out they. have sex with every female when they. come back they've lost half their body. weight in a really bad way but they have. to have sex with every single female. and every you. so it's just an evolution rate of making. sure the species goes on so what does. that say about monogamy. but this is not nature doesn't care but. nature cares about this species.

continuing nature doesn't care about. monogamy that its role is to make sure. we continue but yes of course we want to. be monogamous so what do you do we use. that very thing if if being with someone. new excites me and gets me going why. can't I pretend my partner's someone new. and of course you can you can do all. kinds of great things you can introduce. newness don't always have sex in the. same place at the same time it's a. little tiny bit of effort but do. something to make it new and exciting so.

you would recommend spending time apart. as well yes I mean I've been with my. husband for. 15 years we've only spent 11 days apart. and we work together so you know that. thing about living over the shop so we. work together we're together all the. time but we have a great sex life. because we both understand what makes it. tick which isn't necessarily being a. part but yeah being a part's great too. because you can't wait to come back to. that person a lot of people will listen. to all of this and think God I'd love. I'd love to do that I want him to turn.

me into a maid and tie me up and. surprise me or whatever but. if I even mention this to him he would. look at me like I've got you know a tail. or look at me like I was weird well part. of having a great relationship is doing. for the other so I if I said to my. husband I'm not hungry so we're not. eating I'm not tired so we're not going. to bed I'm not cold so the heating's not. coming on he'd look at me like I was mad. because part of that is I'm not really. hungry but you want to go out for dinner. we'll go I don't really want to go to.

this event or I don't want to watch go. to a football match but it's important. to you so I will go because in a. relationship if you do for each as if. your partner says. I would love you to put a little Maids. out and run around with the dust it. would be so amazing I don't want to do. that isn't that drug do you think well. maybe I could just try it once if I. don't like it and never have to do it. again maybe it would be red hot it's not. about being objectified. so if you love someone. and assuming their fantasy isn't. dangerous or painful or super weird why.

not just see if you can do it and then. then you can say hey if I do that you. can do this because it's trading all the. time and there's nothing wrong with that. that's the same thing my house if I'm. tired my husband will say I'm going to. make you something to eat or I'm going. to drive it I'm going to do that for you. because he loves me and I'm the same. with him but people think oh I shouldn't. why should I have sex I'm tired why. should I do that and the worst thing I. don't want sex anymore so you can never. have sex again either which is very.

weird because why would you condemn your. partner to no sex ever just because you. don't want to have sex and imagine if. it's the other way around because isn't. a relationship doing for each other even. if it's not really your thing. I think this is fascinating I looked at. the back end of our YouTube channel and. it says that since this channel started. 69.9 percent of you that watch it. frequently haven't yet hit the Subscribe. button so I have a favor to ask you if. you've ever watched this Channel and. enjoyed the content if you're enjoying. this episode right now please can I ask.

a small favor please hit the Subscribe. button helps this channel more than I. can explain and I promise if you do that. to return the favor we will make the. show better and better and better and. better and better that's the promise I'm. willing to make you if you hit the. Subscribe button do we have a deal. to ask on this because I'm just thinking. about all the conversations I've had. with my friends recently about sex and. their relationships and I've got another. friend who is in in a relationship it's. become a sexless relationship he's. staying with her I think because.

because she's really nice but why has it. become sexless. um. that's a good question that I wouldn't. know and without asking him but I'll. tell you what he's he's told me he's. told me how much he wants to have sex. with other people. and he actually described it as like a. Temptation that he just he is like as if. he's possessed he says every five. minutes someone will walk past and I. think about having sex with them like. he's absolutely obsessed with it but not. with her not with her.

um she wants to settle down because. she's at an agent's phase of life where. she feels that she kind of needs to. hurry up that's what these are just. words that I'm repeating that he's just. told me and so he feels a bit stuck. where he's got this partner who wants to. settle down he clearly doesn't want to. settle down and he's thinking about. having sex with everyone else and he's. not having sex with her and that's how. he's escaping he probably doesn't want. to settle down have children but feels. he should sounds like he wants to be. become a successful and now he's. thinking about having sex that's his way.

out you know oh he can't say to her look. you know I love you but I'm not ready. for that that five years down the line. for me so his mind is doing it he thinks. he wants to have sex with everyone but. her and his mind because of his time. thing because his mind is saying you're. not ready you're not ready you know. often we have dreams that say oh I'm not. ready or wow I thought I wanted to do. this but my dream said oh no you don't. want to do that at all but the desire. he's with other people is his body. saying you are not ready to be with her. you'll be with anyone else but her and.

you should really just tell her the. truth and say look. I'm not at that stage you're at I'm I'm. just not ready for that yet because you. see when the you can't open your mouth. and say I'm not ready or I'm not. comfortable I'm not happy the body goes. I'll do it I'll do it for you and I see. that with all my clients not just. sexually when you can't say. one of my clients told me years ago that. he got fired from his job and he. couldn't tell his wife that every day. picked up his briefcase and went and sat.

in the park and then he got really sick. and then she said you're so sick you. can't go you'll have to resign he went. okay. and he never had to tell her that he'd. lost his job because the body made him. so ill he would have lost his job anyway. so you know I love this expression the. feeling that cannot find his expression. in tears will make other organs weep and. so he's got a feeling that he can't. express and when you can't open your. mouth and go. I don't want to do that the body said I. do it for you and it finds really.

peculiar obscure often really unhelpful. ways of doing it for us. how does he know though that. it's a case of him not being ready or. even in my case when I was 24 25 years. old I just self-sabotage any sign of. commitment so let's talk about that so. let's go back to your 24 years old oh. for my entire I mean it starts at 14. so. it's a 40. yeah 14. you're 24 and you. fancy people and you're a very good.

looking guy and you've obviously had. some relationships tell me about the. self-sabotage. it started with Jasmine. Jasmine was with a guy called I probably. shouldn't name him but I'll call him. John. Jasmine and John Jasmine and children. they were in a relationship I really. fancy Jasmine she's gonna hear this but. she knows already fancied her for about. three years pursued her doggedly from. like 14 till 17. really 18 and there was a day where like. Jasmine gave me a chance finally she was. in a relationship with this guy called.

John. um and on that day. I got terrified and I. kind of remember persuading her out of. it even though I'd pursued her for years. and then as I look through my early sort. of twenties the same sort of recurring. Behavior pattern showed up where I would. any sign of commitment I would come up. with a reason why I couldn't commit sure. I'm busy I need to become a millionaire. this will get in the way of my work so. what you were doing was the oldest trick. in the book you pursued Jazz when she.

wasn't available she was with someone. else when she became available you. thought oh no because now she could. reject you now she could say when she. was with someone else it was a dream I'd. love to get that girl wouldn't you have. the chance it's like oh. she could find out I'm not worthy she. could find I'm not good enough sorry I. can give you context as to how it felt. the idea of commitment felt like prison. of course yeah you've said that before. and so of course if your end goal is. commitment is prison. being stuck with one person is prison. your mind says I've got to get you out.

of this so it's all fine to have flings. but the minute commitment comes up you. back out because that's going to jail. you don't want to do that so that's. really normal when you say things like. oh I'm going to be tied down I'm nailed. down oh that's it now no more fun and. people say things like you two are one. now and. may all your promise be little ones and. and sometimes we don't like that it's. like oh I don't like that idea and all.

the vows about to love honor and obey to. forsake all others we think do I really. want that but you were adamant that you. didn't want that that a relationship was. prison so when you tell your mind I. don't want it. the Mind must get you out of if you say. oh god I've got to give that speech I. don't want to do it I want to do it I. want to do it don't be surprised on The. Daily speech you wake up with chronic. diarrhea a terrible cold and migraine in. your mind because she said you didn't. want to go. and I'm so cool I got you out of it. because the mind listens every thought.

you think it listens to it's like a. genie your wish is it come answer your. wishes I don't want to be in prison of. commitment I'm happy to date but when it. gets a little bit serious the Mind goes. let me get you out of this. and we don't do it in logical ways you. know self-sabotage procrastination and. nothing more than the fear of either not. being enough or not wanting to go where. you think you're going you know there. are people who apply for a job get it. and they never turn off on the first day. or think God I work that and I don't.

want to I thought I wanted this I don't. want it I thought I wanted that person I. actually don't want them. and so for you the thought that a. relationship is prison. so powerful that it would make every. relationship unravel including Jasmine. so now let's go back to your friend. yeah so how does he know that. it's not just some like I don't know. unresolved traumatic issue that's. stopping him and being avoidant of. committing to that individual or if that.

individual is not right and I think it's. the the case with like jobs and. relationships and everything in our life. how do we know that it's not just some. trauma response that we're having or if. the thing we're avoiding or rejecting is. actually not right for us. when you think okay my life without this. person would it be better or worse so. rather if I have an argument with my. husband we don't argue a lot but I. always imagine my life without him and. it's so much worse in my life with him. occasionally annoys me he's got some he.

can put get a tea bag and have it. everything is a kitchen in like three. minutes flowers say wow how do you do. that I just don't understand how you can. do that. but you have to pick your battles in a. relationship and when he really annoys. me I just think okay imagine if he. wasn't here and that I thought oh no I. wouldn't like that maybe not here for a. couple of hours but forever so you know. because of how you feel but you see. you know we're all taught this you know. you found your other half but you're not. a half you're a whole you can't find.

another half to complete you because. you're not half a person but a lot of us. are taught you know you're going to find. the handsome prince it's going to live. happily ever after well that that isn't. true there's never one person ever that. could complete you or meet or your needs. and so you have to be a realistic in a. relationship you have to put your needs. into three parts okay I've got a need. my husband must always tell me where he. is he must call me he must tell me when. he's if it's two in the morning I don't. know where he is I don't like that he. must be honest honesty is a.

non-negotiable need for me. so that's a need that has to be met need. for tidiness. is that really important I can do it. myself. you know by the time I have an argument. with him about the Tea Bag I've already. put it in the bin and put a bit of. bleach on the kitchen counter and it's. all done so the second lot of needs you. might have to meet those needs the need. to have a tidy kitchen the need to have. I don't know organic groceries delivered. maybe you can do it as soon as you've. got to pick your battles and the third. set of needs you just got to give those.

up some needs are just not important. enough to fight about now my daughter is. an artist. and artists are very messy and if you go. look at the mess and go what mess I. can't even see it so with my daughter. the need to her to have a tidy bedroom I. learned to shut the door don't even go. in there if I go and they go well she's. happy do I need to have a happy daughter. or a tidy daughter's bedroom a happy. daughter was actually more important so. some needs you must have your partner. meet some you've got him even some just. give them away it's really not not worth.

arguing about. you reminded me when you talked there. about. thinking about meeting Prince Charming. and Perfection I went into a Bookshop. the other day. um as I sometimes do just for. inspiration you know and I bumped into a. lady who recognized me. um actually took a photo of her because. the conversation really stayed with me. it's not it's not often that I take a. photo from with someone else I say. please can I have a fight with you just. so I remember this conversation and what. she said to me in that conversation was. reminiscent of many other conversations. I've had she was a a woman she's just. over the age of 30. I think she was 32.

31. and she was actually in that book shop. looking for a book that would help her. solve her romantic and relationship. issues she said to me which is a message. I've had before from close friends of. mine I'm over 30 now I'm looking for a. guy I've never been in a relationship. I've been working very very very hard. and she says she's excelling in her. career people have told me to that I. just need to go to the gym and work out. and I've tried that. um and I still can't find this person. and the other sentence I remember she. said I don't want to settle and I've got.

people close to me in my life many. people that have are in almost identical. situation so much so that I sent that. photo with her to those people and said. I've just met you in a Bookshop and it. helped me to actually understand them. better because to know that there's many. many people that are in that situation. then they've got this kind of societal. clock yeah that's saying you better do. it quickly yeah. what would you have said to her to help. her so I just said first of all what are. you doing people said I'm looking for. love okay that's great where are you. looking where are you going they go well.

I go to yoga any men there not really oh. you reminded me of something she said. she said I've tried dating apps those. don't work people tell me to meet people. in public but how'd you do that yeah so. people tell me they're looking for love. all the time I'm looking for love where. are you looking describe your weekend I. went to yoga anyone in a yoga class not. really and then I went to my friend's. house and then I went to a book reading. for any man there not really and then I. went out with all my girlfriends we all. looked the same we all went to the same. bar a lot of competition so actually. you're not looking for love at all.

because you're going to places where men. aren't. and then men say I'm looking for love. where are you going I mean the weight. were many women there they're all in the. yoga class so if you really want to find. love you've got to be proactive first of. all sit down and think what kind of. person do you want I mean what qualities. do they have what are you looking for. you know normally say I'm I'm looking to. buy a house but I've never I've never go. to an estate agent and look at the. brochures I just think the house will. turn up I'm looking for a job I'm. actually going to yoga I'm going to I'm. not going for any interviews we'd say.

well you're not really looking for a job. are you when I look for a house I've got. brochures coming in I'm going to look at. I'm going to look at houses till I find. the right one so if you want love sit. down and think about what you want make. a list don't return to six pack and. gorgeous or ten I think of the qualities. what is this person like and then. decide what is that person looking for. you might have to up your game a bit and. then think about where is this person. they're not in yoga but they're. somewhere and once you've decided that.

you're worth love that's the the most. important bit and you can put yourself. around people you'll find love easily. but we're so busy trying to. change ourselves so you have to take. some time because the only thing you. need to do to find love is first of all. every day so I'm worthy of love I am. worthy of being loved I deserve to be. deeply loved and I am worth it and if. you think oh when I say that I feel. really stupid then say it more until you.

don't feel stupid to think no actually. it's sinking in now so I'm putting. lotion on my skin it is going in it is. having an impact so say it state it. affirm it a lot I deserve love I'm. worthy of Love who couldn't love me I'm. deserving of love and then. when you've got that part right and you. know that if you don't think. I hope when I go on a date I'm good. enough for them well what about thinking. are they good enough for you so you've. got to. reframe that don't keep saying I got to. make myself I've got to chase love.

pursue love get in shape to find love be. perfect to find love you've got to find. love just by being you so work on. knowing you're worth it that's some 80. of your success will come down to having. an unworth IT mindset think of the. person who think of where they are and. then get out of the yoga and go to the. weight room if you're a girl if you're a. guy get out of the weight and go to the. yoga put yourself around the people you. want to be with and you'll end up with. them she did say a line to me which I. just remembered which is I've started to.

think that there's something wrong with. me yeah and it's there is a clear. pattern in the people who are in that. situation that I know that have started. to engage in vocal negative self yeah. and self-disparagement and apps of. course there's so much like going to a. Chinese restaurant with a menu that's 20. people think oh I don't even know what. to have now there's so much variety I've. I've now I've got to page 20 I forgotten. what was on page one if you go to a. restaurant with a little man you think. okay I'm gonna have that so apps with. masses of variety lots of people I mean. they show you a good thing how many. people are looking for love just like.

you so you're not weird or a freak. apps are good to show you wow all these. people good looking people are looking. for love. but maybe come away from the apps and. and start to talk to people you know. talk to people. thinking as you're talking about dating. apps I've never been a prolific dating. app person because I've been busy but. also I'd never had success on them until. people knew who I was sort of in a. public capacity and then you can't I. can't use them anyway so but going back. 10 years I do remember using dating apps.

swiping through and you'd see like. really beautiful people and like oh I. want that one you'd swipe right on them. and then the ones that would swipe left. and you were just you know they were. just not the ones you were looking for. yeah and because you understand the. value of anything by the context in. which you see it by seeing. 50 Beautiful People yeah but then. getting the ones that are less than even. if there was less than people it's not. not not waste not a nice way to describe. them the ones you didn't deserve yeah. um. are perfectly okay because you've seen. them in a context where you've seen.

supermodels yeah you're never going to. Value them yeah of course and also you. know I was thinking about. people that are going on those dates. that are searching for Mr Right or Mrs. Right. are we less valuable when when we're in. search of something yeah definitely. that's the problem right well it's it's. one thing is to say Hey you know I'm. I've got a great life and I've decided. you know I'm ready to be with someone. amazing I want to share my life with. someone who wants to share that I'm. quite I'm okay if I don't find them. I got a great life but I'm I'm kind of.

open to finding the right person now is. rather different to needy I need someone. to complete me I don't want to be on my. own I hate being alone I I need to find. my mate my partner so you almost need to. be at a level where you you're happy and. you've got a great life but you want to. share it rather than I'm incomplete. without that person there's something. wrong with me people just say to me why. are you not married I'd say I don't know. just lucky I guess because I hated the. option of what's wrong with this I.

always have that pattern I don't know I. guess I'm just very lucky from the age. of 20 to 25 yes everyone I pursued. romantically once I'd even got past the. commitment issues. didn't want me. and I always reflect on it and go. when I really wanted someone there must. have been something I was doing yeah. they knew that you would jump them they. they knew that you had a commitment fear. that sort of probably came out of your. poor so of course they jumped you before. you dumped them because your behavior. and some of the things you did or said.

or even didn't would have let them know. that you had a commitment fear and so. they just got out before you did even. they wouldn't they weren't even I got. rejected a lot in that face from like. 2025 and I reflect on it and go how come. those five girls that I pursued I really. wanted that like you know I'd start. listening to Adele and think of them. like you know went into the frenzy all. of them. rejected me. if it wasn't it was all of them they all. picked up something from you because it. was one you go oh well it was them yeah.

because I thought I've had five wives a. lot of disappointment have they had five. husbands no. well then it was you I was talking to a. client I've had five wives they all. disappointed me I said well you were the. disappointment because they couldn't all. disappoint you you must have wanted. Perfection which he did and you can only. ask for Perfection if you're offering. Perfection which none of us can offer. only conclusion from that chapter in my. life was there must be like a thousand. micro Expressions that these people are. picking up on that actually indicating.

that I'm low value yeah and I do you. know I couldn't fake it I read all the. books about you know I read this book in. this matchmaking book and this book. called The Game the mystery method I. watched all the documentaries and the. only reason it changed in my life was. when my actual opinion of myself changed. yeah of course because you didn't value. yourself and you know if you have this. belief I'm not good enough and you fake. it people pick it up they know. instinctively they can't help it because. it's at a level Beyond communication. where you have a low sense of worth.

people pick it up and when you have a. high sense they pick it up too but when. you fake it you're still faking it so. that's why you've got to get to that. level of hey I'm so great when I was in. I was in Zimbabwe just before I met John. and I was they put me in a honeymoon. suite. and it was an amazing place they could. say oh this is so sad you haven't got a. husband they don't understand that why. have you got a husband this is not. normal and I thought you know I'm so. happy and I thought I'm re as a second. time in a month I was also teaching in.

comedy but being a honeymoon suite again. that really was the best room in the. house and it was a big honeymoon so I. thought well you know what I love being. in here I didn't think oh this is so sad. and so the second I was at honeymoon I. was thinking you know what if this is as. good as it ever gets I'm on my own in. this amazing place in Zimbabwe in this. amazing with two baths outside and two. showers and two of everything I'm okay. I'm really happy and I was married 10. months I didn't even know John well I. knew him but we weren't dating because.

you have to get to that level of. thinking. yeah I came home I knew John our kids. went to the same school I came home from. Africa in September met him in October. we were married the following August but. I got to that level where I was so happy. being just being by myself. the I didn't chase him or think oh my. God I need this it was just like oh here. you are and how do you know you and. you're a great guy and it all worked out. perfectly but you have to get away from. the neediness or I'm running away from.

it avoiding it or desperately looking. for in your case looking for thinking. it's a prison you have to be at a level. of I'm ready but I'm happy anyway and. then from 25 to 30 the next five years. the thing that changed in my life was I. became. um what other people would call. successful she had business success now. it's funny because someone will look at. that and go okay well for the next five. years from 25 to 30 you had money so it. attracted people whatever right yeah but.

I know that that's not the full story I. know that I think the success. changed my beliefs about myself of. course it did I just think I stood. differently and I of course you did and. you had a sense of self it's not that. I'm rich but it's like I've created this. I'm worth something your sense of. self-elevator because of what you've. done and achieved and you grew up a bit. too and so your sense of self went up. and people like people with a strong. sense of themselves it's very attractive.

it's actually very sexy confidence is. really sexy a sense of who you are is. very sexy for men and women so without. knowing it that's what you got and from. 25 to 30 in that period I no longer had. that issue I felt that I could attract. someone that I wanted if I pursued. someone I thought I went into it. thinking you know the choice is going to. be mine yeah and uh the least humble. where I possibly can and I fell in love. with someone and I've been with them. ever since I was actually working with. someone who won the lottery and he was I.

said you know what happens when I won. the lottery women became more orgasmic I. said you know that happens all over the. world when men win the lottery their. girlfriends become more orgasm yeah I. don't understand it and it was he. couldn't understand it it was a bit of a. joke that of course they became more. orgasmic because he became so attractive. to them because he'd won the lottery. so that was very funny makes so much. sense so people are going to hear that. and go so you can't think that's what I. I came to learn from that 10 years ago I. say it's all my friends now I give them. I give them I give them this uh oh.

everything I know about some of the. books I read about how to be high value. and then I tell them the story that. between 20 and 25 yeah I read all these. books and I still couldn't do anything. about it so reading the books is not. enough because you can't fake it and I. say to some of my best friends and it's. one of my close girlfriends I said um. it's almost like there's a thousand. little micro expressions of low value. that we we give off in language is just. it's a new form of communication versus. the like thousand tiny things we don't. know we do which which tell the person. that we don't value ourselves we have no.

self-esteem and we're not confident if. you're looking for self-asseme anywhere. outside of yourself you're not going to. find it if you're looking for. self-esteem out there with the jasmines. of the world or someone unless you're. looking for in here you're never going. to find it so stop looking out there. self-esteem is not out there it's in. here and just spend some time saying hey. um I can elevate my sense of self-worth. self-value self-image you see. self-esteem means if I say Stephen I.

hold you in the highest of esteem that's. what I think of you but self is. important I think of me. and what happens is we start to poke. holes in our self-esteem by saying I'm. not good enough I'm not rich enough. smart enough attractive enough qualified. enough. and you've got to go back and go no I I. can raise myself see my matter just the. way I am I matter I'm enough I'm lovable. and you know my dad always had the job. of any school is to raise the kids.

self-esteem that's more important than. learning Latin or Sport and all schools. their job is to raise kids up and. parenting too your job as a parent is to. raise your kids selfish but nobody. teaches us that we think oh no it's. organic broccoli and making you safe and. making you learn Mandarin to send you a. good school no your job is to raise kids. with good self-esteem. and then they'll have relations with. who've got good self-resum if it only. will work on self-esteem the world would.

be so much better how would you have. what would you have done with 20 year. old Steve if he'd come to you and said. listen Marissa I've pursued all these. women they all seem to not value me yeah. well I would have gone right back to. look at what was happening when you were. growing up what was going on with your. mom and dad where did you get these. beliefs from what happened to you you. know it's not what's wrong with you it's. what happened to you should never say. what's wrong with you what happened to. you in your formative years what did you.

see growing up with your mum and dad. what did you see so if we look at you. know Paul McCartney Who Loved Linda and. all his children have got very secure. relate Stella's got four children. amazing parent Mary he's got three. children but they're very happy they've. stayed with us because they they learned. what they live you learn what you live. what did you learn what did you live. that you learned which was that marriage. is a horrible place you can't escape. from it's punishing.

it's not a place of sanctity or love or. support something completely different. I also think I just learned that I was. at a very young age that. think maybe that I learned that I was. unlovable at some some level because I. think. about being a black kid in an all-white. area where your house is like. dilapidated I think that's the right. word well you can't never brought anyone. home never brought a girl home in the 16. odd years that I lived in Plymouth never. brought anyone home no one knew where I. lived I had this like constant shame.

yeah shame and I showed up as if I was a. confident kid like you know it was an ax. yeah and you weren't home feeling a. scent you see. one of the I taught 16 000 therapists. all over the world and I teach them so. there's only three things wrong with. every person that turns up at your door. only three things one of them is I'm. different so I can't connect the next. one is I want something that's not. available to me and the third one is I'm. not enough. there's a lot of versions I'm not smart. enough good enough but when you told me.

that little boy who was a black kid in a. white world living in a shambolic house. never bringing people home. straight away you're saying I was. different and if I'm Different I can't. connect because we connect by being the. same because I like Postman pets so do I. I like pasta so do I I like Barbie so do. I oh you're my friend but when you're. different you can't connect so you you. first had that first thing I'm different. so I can't connect what I want. being the same as all the other kids is.

not available to me and if you think. you're unlovable then you have to think. you're not enough but of course that's. what you felt the truth is you're deeply. lovable just the way you are but it's. very hard when you don't feel it so when. you you know your feelings the most real. thing you have and we're always trying. to use logic but logic doesn't work. because in a battle between emotion and. logic emotion wins every single time so. the emotion of being this kid who felt. different not enough not the same you.

can't logic that better yes you can. achieve a lot and work hard and be a. millionaire remember John Lennon said. the thing you can't hide is when you're. crippled inside and so you're trying to. fake it till you make it but then you. just end up feeling like a big fake you. have to go back and look at okay I felt. different but here's an interesting. thing if our greatest fears to feel. different it must have been on the same. as everyone because that's our greatest. fear to be different we used to be cast. out for different vanished for being. different but actually if you fear being.

different all right that means you're. the same as everyone because you've got. the same fears. and what wasn't available now you've. made it available many years ago. and you're deeply level and more than. enough that you have to kind of go back. and look at that old scenes again but. that's not me anymore of course it's not. me so just stating why it isn't you is. actually one of the most. transformational things you can ever do. as we're so busy looking for how it is. us you know here's a rule of the Mind. whatever you look for.

you will find whatever you focus on you. get more so when you look at how it's. still you or still there or still. bothering you. then you'll find it and interesting I. think when you look at the mess in your. room you remember the shambolic house. and that's why it bothers you not. because it's messy because you were. brought up in a shambolic house now you. come back and think oh look at this room. I've recreated the same instead of. saying actually I'm in a five-star hotel. there's a maid next door it's a little.

bit messy it's not shambolic but you see. what your brain is looking for is what's. the same and it will always find it but. if you look for what's different. you'll find that too so when you have a. brilliant brain which we all have and. you definitely have a so that you've got. to talk yourself out of it not into it. you're talking yourself into how the. messy room is the same as a messy home. and it bothers you greatly because it. feels out of your control which it was. when you're a kid living in that house. don't talk because I haven't talk. yourself out of it oh yeah I have.

created a mess but hey I'm a super. successful guy I'm busy someone's going. to come in and clean all of this up and. it's not the same it's vastly different. but our mind is always looking for. what's the same because it loves what is. familiar after all you know if you were. two-year-old kid living in the prayer. and you wanted out on the Prairie you'd. only eat the berries you already knew. you wouldn't eat anything unfamiliar. because it would have killed you so our. primitive brain wants to go back to what. is familiar back to what is known back. to what is comfortable.

I was on there just before I actually. came in the door earlier. um and it said that the dietless life. resolves the underlying cause of. overeating. I let me confess I am someone that works. out pretty much every day I'll work out. today. although I'm going to that Fred Again. concert so that might be difficult.

that's a workout I work out pretty much. every day of the week. um the thing that's holding me back is. once in a while I'll get into a little. bit of like a sugar spiral what I mean. by that is I'll eat some sugar and then. the next day I'll eat some more sugar. and then the next day I might have. something very addictive yeah I've. actually given up alcohol I've not told. anybody but I've given a power call. completely but this sugar thing seems to. be something that I'm like I'm like. battling with it will happen you know. once a month and then it could last for. like a couple of weeks where I just. start eating things that I'm like why am. I eating that and then I'll get control.

again of the ship. how do I avoid sugar I don't like it I. don't want it I actually when someone. hands me something like the first thing. I check is the sugar contents don't want. it in my life anymore I've made that. decision like oh goodbye but it seems to. grab me so your mind always goes back to. what something means so let's talk about. little Steve and what did sugar and all. the sugar Retreats mean to you when. you're a kid what did they mean. well in our house we weren't allowed. them and we didn't have them yeah.

probably the only family again because. of money issues that we didn't have any. nice things in the fridge yeah so I. would go to the corner shop after school. and I would steal as much of the sweets. as I possibly could and then how did you. feel so let's close your eyes a minute. okay just remember be that little boy. you've just stolen them you've just got. them it's okay that you took them most. kids do that what do you feel like when. you've suddenly got them in your pockets. or you're eating them what's the feeling. I feel in control. I feel like my friends I guess so keep. your eyes closed and imagine you now.

you're grown up Stephen and suddenly. it's one evening and you want this. sugary stuff and you want it the next. day and the next day I want you to say. this when I say when I can't have sugar. when I don't have sugar say it. repeatedly we don't have sugar when I. don't have sugar I feel like that little. kid who is deprived of sugar I feel like. that little kid that was depressed and. that makes me feel. out of control because. just said the word because it makes. people out of control because because I.

lived in a house where I didn't have the. ability to get the things I wanted sure. so you can open your eyes now so the. adult you you see it's not the chocolate. it's the feeling you felt when you. couldn't have it so when people go on a. diet this is what happens I can't have. any of that stuff I can only have. lettuce and they have this traffic light. red everything's banned. Amber okay and green is like lettuce. salad carrots grilled fish and you think. yeah but I want all the red stuff it's.

the mind says if I can't have it I want. to I want it so much. so again you've got to talk yourself. saying hey you know I can have chocolate. every day for the rest of my life it's. always I can have it and I can have it. in abundance I can have a breakfast. lunch and dinner and here's the magic. sentence that changes your life I'm. choosing to say no and I'm choosing to. love it I mean my parents are a bit like. that no sugar sorry. I'm choosing to say no to chocolate and. I'm choosing to love it I'm choosing to.

say no to kids treats and I'm choosing. to love it I think one of my clients. who's a billionaire who goes on his boat. on his yacht and takes all these things. like Refreshers and sherbet stuff. because he wasn't allowed them as a. child and even his own chef. that makes him happy because it's. something that was forbidden and so when. he gets it he thinks oh I feel so. thrilled because it did that when you. look at it made you happy so you're. looking for the feeling not the thing. and you can give yourself the feeling. without the thing anyway.

so as you can remember I feel the same. when I want it and I feel the same when. I get it but could I get the feeling. without having it of course you could. it's really easy too. should I should I hypnotize you back to. that little boy that wanted the sugar so. badly so we can change it. would you like that should we do it now. let's do it now okay being hypnotized is. really easy I'll show you what you do. okay it's about the eye so if you look. at me you're going to look up like that.

breathe in. breathe out. take another deep breath keeping your. eyeballs up every time you blink deep. powerful hypnosis is coming upon you. breathe out and just one more time keep. your eyeballs up and this time. the more you blink the deeper you're. going to hypnosis as you exhale keep. your eyeballs up close your eyelids down. and I'm going to tell you Stephen that. your eyelids are locked shut glued shut. seal together your eyelids are glue.

tight try to open your eyes find their. locked shut. go deeper. try to open your eyes find they are. glued tight go deeper and one more time. try to open your eyes by they are fused. together go deeper deeper deeper. your mind Stephen knows exactly what. chocolate and children's sweets. represent to you. I'm going to count back with some five. to one your brilliant mind is going to. take you right back easily powerfully to.

a scene. that is all to do with why as an adult. you keep going back to Sugar the minute. you get that information it's going to. be such a game changer and of course you. can't relive anything it's not possible. you can only review you can't relive. being that little boy but you can review. it. and anything you go about even if it's. sad you're going to look at it with. fascination with Insight with innate. understanding of how those scenes then. shaped you today so let's go.

so you're about seven describe what's. happening in this scene. I'm sat on a grass hill. have these. these boring. sandwiches in My Lunchbox I want you to. it's very important to feel the feeling. you're doing fantastic when you say I'm. looking at my lunchbox I'm seven years. old and I feel so disappointed. I'm looking at. The Lunchbox I'm seven years old and I.

feel so disappointed. is there anything you can do to change. the lunch box. no I. I could steal some money from somewhere. to buy the things I want or I could swap. or steal some other food or something. how else is that little kid feeling. buying. sugar or getting it mix. me feel.

makes me feel powerful sure you know. there's always been that kind of. underlying thing because I could never. have it yeah as an adult it's kind of. like an expression of like my my new. autonomy yeah like you know I can have. whatever I want. so now I want you to go back to the. little kid sitting on the grassy bank. with a just winning lunch I want you to. say to me that's not me anymore because. you need to tell me exactly why justify.

and tell me why that's not you so repeat. after me that little kid on that little. kid on the grassy bank with a. disappointing lunch box that little kid. on the grassy bank with the. disappointing lunch it's not me it's not. me and will never be me ever again and. we'll never be ever again because. because. I can have whatever I want now you're. not seven your mother doesn't provide. your lunch every day does she no and if. she did and you hated it couldn't you go. out and get whatever you want yeah I. would say that's not me that's not me. I'll never be seven I'll never be the.

disappointing lunch ever again are they. disappointing lunch I'll never be seven. having less than other people ever again. I'll never be seven having less than. other people ever that can't be me that. can't be me I can have whatever I want. now I can have whatever I want and what. I really want and what I really want is. to be indifferent to sugar. I want you to think of the words that. little kid needed to hear. you know better than me that when you. were seven eight nine ten what you most. needed to hear what you most needed to.

feel that you were the same that you. were equal you had everything others had. and I want you to repeat some of those. words you can do it in your head or out. loud what are the missing words you've. never heard and always wanted to hear. you have the same. resources and money and value as all of.

your friends so say that little kid you. have the same money you have the same. amount of money the same resources same. resources. same stuff everyone else has the same. stuff that everyone else has you're. smart you're smart and as you grow up. as you grow up you create everything for. yourself you create everything for. yourself. you see chocolate doesn't free you from. feeling that you can't have it it. actually reminds you far from solving. your issues it reminds you of that kid. it pulls you right back it doesn't set.

you free it pulls you back to that. memory of that kid who could never have. anybody I don't need to remember that. anymore. because that isn't me because that isn't. me and that will never be me and that. will never be I can eat sugar every day. for the rest of my long gorgeous life I. can eat sugar every day for the rest of. my long what I really require what I. really require is complete and utter. indifference is complete and. playing this recording so my voice goes.

with you stays with you until soon don't. even need this recording it's wired and. fired and coded into you it's who you. are not what you do. and it makes you feel amazing so knowing. it feeling it believing it being it. becoming it. just slowly calmly easily just open your. eyes. come back into the room. how do you feel. oh I forgot where I was. at least I thought it was somewhere else. that's the great thing about hypnosis.

you know you forget where you are the. critical Factor shuts down some things. only happen in hypnosis it's a critical. Factor shuts down. it accepts things it can't accept. consciously what is going on there what. is going on well your conscious mind is. completely shut down the subconscious. that knows that the subconscious is. always switched on is always on record. and it remembers everything and your. subconscious is accessing memories but. you're really getting the feeling. because the thing is it therapy doesn't.

get the feeling it says we did this you. want to feel the feeling to say oh I see. I'm trying to get the feeling but I. don't even need that feeling I can be. free now. also time I looked at the time and. so much time has passed but it seems. like five minutes yeah it feels like it. was just a few minutes that's how you. know hypnosis is so powerful because you. lose all track of time time stops but. the subconscious mind which is running. the show really takes over. do you know what we'll do in this.

episode. um this episode will take a couple of. weeks to come out so I'll do an insert. about how I got on with yeah I'd love. that my relationship with sugars. okay guys this is two weeks after I. recorded with Marissa and I want to tell. you the results. I've not touched sugar and I've also. more importantly not had any sugar. Cravings whatsoever and when I say sugar. I don't mean you know natural sugar that. occurs in Natural Foods I mean the. really sugary foods that are processed. that I didn't want to eat I've had no. Cravings whatsoever for sugar and I've.

been around chocolate and Percy pigs in. the lot and we're two weeks on from the. conversation with Marissa I've lost. weight my sleep has therefore improved. because I'm not eating sugar and I'm not. getting these Peaks and crashes that I. used to get so I can confirm that. Marissa's hypnosis worked and if you. want to watch the whole hypnosis session. which is just over 25 minutes long the. whole thing I've linked it below on our. Clips channel so you can watch the whole. thing it's a little bit long and it. might be boring for some of you. but for those of you that want to see.

the full 25 plus minutes it's down below. in the description on our Clips Channel. on YouTube back to the episode. you you must have so many case studies. in your life of how hypnosis is just so. many people who did dial this live and. said you know I don't eat sugar I didn't. even know someone said you know I can't. even have a cappuccino with a chocolate. I have to say oh no sorry you got to. take that off because I'm simply so. indifferent to sugar and then you start. to taste how fake it is how horrible it. is because your body actually you know. your body never says Hey knock me out.

with sugar the body hates it's the mind. just like the Mind might go for alcohol. or drugs until you can get into the mind. and say you know it's easy to make a. better choice because you've chosen it. one of my maybe one of my my best. friends in the world I have six best. friends one of my best friends in the. world. can't can't eat basically anything he's. he's in his mid-thirties now and for. whatever reason. some psychological reason he just can't. when we go to restaurants he can't order. anything he never has yeah known him for.

10 10 years he basically only eats like. a couple of things and there's something. going on where he thinks like I don't. know the texture of other things see. basically it's like crackers crisps. biscuits I was in Dubai in February the. girl called Sarah who don't you could. only eat meat couldn't eat anything else. but meat and I said I can fix that in an. hour and I did we went back to why. and now she eats everything cake pasta. because before she was in so much pain. and she did it she'd straight away in. one session it was a game changer I had. many kids to say I can only eat cheese.

and white bread but give him my number I. can change that in an hour we've tried. so many things over the years you need. to try the thing that works yeah proper. hypnosis it works all the time because. that magic only happens when you get. into that network of intelligence can. understand what's going on when you can. send different messages to the feeling. mind because it's no good doing it. logically it's like saying to an. alcoholic now come on have a lovely cup. of tea you don't need the alcohol look. at you like you're mad because logic.

can't defeat emotion because there's. emotion about I can only eat crackers is. so powerful but you can find a better. emotion where does that come from what. was going on like the emotion of that. little Stephen saying I want to have the. chocolate I feel better I feel more. powerful I feel the same as other people. and that was the driver and I can say. well I don't need to do that I'm already. powerful and amazing and equal to all my. friends you took me to a place that I've. not been before I actually remembered. things that I hadn't ever remembered.

what kind of things The Lunchbox thing I. never remembered my lunchbox show that's. a new thing which I I'm coming from. being sat on that hill during summer and. just opening the lunch box it's just. this horrible powerlessness it's called. learned helplessness and learned. hopelessness I can't accept this but I. can't change it I don't know there's. nothing I can do about it because you. know you don't want it's not the scene. it's the feeling within this in that's. what you got did so beautifully that kid. who felt powerless frustrated. disappointed but could do nothing I.

could steal and yeah of course but. that's I mean that's okay get all kids. do that but that wasn't really the thing. that gate you could do it but that. wasn't really your choice you wanted to. have the money that Ashley had to go. into the shop you want to have the. parents to say here's the money go and. buy yourself something lovely but you. didn't have that. but when you stole the stuff you got the. same feeling but it was never really the. same because you had the shame and the. guilt and the blame attachment now you. can let all of that go.

so interesting I've never actually felt. like that before I've never remembered. so many things and time just seemed to. stand still and um I realized things. about my relationship with food that. have been. maybe locked up in the back room. somewhere that I didn't realize so thank. you for that really really powerful it's. my first time ever doing anything with. hypnosis but also the shame about the. messy room where that comes from too. yeah same feeling that you couldn't fix. it when of course you can you can say I. love putting stuff away it feels amazing. I wasn't sure whether I'm messy because.

it reminds me of home so a messy room. makes me feel more comfortable or if. it's the opposite like you know I've. never been sure which one it one which. one it is well it's just I think it. because you lived in a messy home it was. familiar it was easy no one said tidy up. put that away so if you're in the Army. friends you say oh no I make my bed and. because you learned a certain way but. you learn the opposite just everything's. in a mess so the two things that you. learned is familiar but also it's deeply. disappointing because it makes you feel.

oh God there's a mess again and I can't. fix it when the truth is you can you've. always got a choice the worst thing is I. can't change it and I can't accept it I. can't change it I can't accept I can't. change them as I can't okay I can accept. let's go hey I'm messy and I love it. like an artist or you can say I can. change it but it's like I can't change. it and I can't accept it accept it. my daughter loves living in a mess. because she's an artist she doesn't even. see it or you can say. I can change it by changing how I think. just say I love putting stuff away it.

makes me feel powerful and if you say it. enough it will become real because your. words create your reality and if you. don't like your reality you don't have. to change your word you have to change. the way you're speaking which. immediately changes your reality which. is completely shaped by your words. quick one I discovered a product which. has changed my life called Eight sleep. and I'm so proud to say today that I had. a chat with the founder of the brand and. they are now a podcast sponsor and one. of the things I've come to learn on this. podcast from speaking with Sleep Experts. like Matthew Walker is how important.

temperature is when it comes to sleep. the temperature of your room the. temperature of your bed and also one of. the big insights I had from speaking to. some experts was that the temperature of. the room should fluctuate throughout the. night as you move through different. stages of sleep so when you first get. into bed it should be quite cool in bed. it should then get a little bit cooler. and then the temperature should increase. near the end and that is a reflection of. what would have happened in nature once. upon a time you've probably come to.

learn that I have sponsors on this. podcast that I use and products that I. love my sponsors should be a reflection. of the conversations I'm having but also. a reflection of what I'm using in my. life so to celebrate them being a new. podcast sponsor I always want to get a. discount for you guys and I've got one. go to eight sleep com which is e i g h t. sleep.com slash Steven and if you do. that you'll save a hundred and fifty. dollars on the Pod cover that I have on. my bed the one I'm talking about grab.

your pod cover send me a DM and let me. know how you get on. Marissa thank you you're so welcome we. have a closing tradition where the last. Association for the next guest the. question left fuse very good one in fact. it's very um very relevant if there was. one sentence that everyone should. believe about themselves that would have. the most. positive impact on their life. what sentence is that I'm enough all my. bracelets say it I live it I have I.

created the army knife movement which. I'm so proud of it would be I am enough. I have so many schools having kids say. that says this is change bullying in. this school it's changed the way kids. perform academies change the way they. they behave emotionally they all have a. little plaque on they have to say it. I am enough. that's my favorite statement because. it's the truth about everyone but we. just don't know it we often think well. I'm not enough and if I'm not enough I. need more more chocolate more followers. more drinks more shopping.

I'm enough. is a statement that can change your. whole life if you state it affirm it and. it will sink in. Marissa thank you everyone that's. listening to this now should definitely. head over to your website because. there's so much there whether they want. to be trained by you or whether they. want to come to one of your events I was. in there rummaging around and actually. ran out of time because there was so. much so many resources that's how I. found the dieting stuff and the coaching. stuff and the events and a lot of free. stuff too we give away so much free.

stuff I know YouTube channel is another. example of where you're just giving away. you know hundreds of videos of sure for. free so thank you for the work you do. you're a huge inspiration to me that's. why I wanted to have you back on but. also it's my girlfriend who's actually. upstairs and talks about you all the. time how lovely um and she's you know. training and doing um several courses I. believe she's done some of yours as well. but you are a Force for good in the. world thank you so much it's so. wonderful to hear that your work is now. moving into schools and the curriculum. and it's so exciting incredible just. incredible thank you for being who you.

are I really appreciate him. as you guys may know we are a sponsor of. this podcast and I'm a shareholder in. the company as someone that is on the go. pretty much 90 of the time I always. prioritize getting my workout in and for. me it's a non-negotiable working out. staying healthy and trying to optimize. my body so I can achieve the results. that I want but a new addition to my. lifestyle which complements my busy work. schedule and my tough workout schedule. is my prioritization of my rest and my. recovery I never quite knew how. important it was until I started my woop. journey to understand exactly what's.

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