The Leading Sex Expert: How To Have Great Sex EVERY Time! (And Fix Bad Sex): Tracey Cox | E247

You've written 17 books on the topic of. sex. So, my first question, how do we. have the best sex of our lives? That's. the question everybody wants to know. The first thing is Tracy Cox. The. world's most celebrated sex expert. She's got the answers to the questions. you've always wanted to know and has a. secret to a great sex life. There is a. decline of sex, isn't there? Yes, there's a sex recession. If you. haven't had sex for a year with your. partner, it is very unlikely you're. going to have sex again. Oh, really? Are. you hopeful that we can turn that.

around? Yes, absolutely. The key thing. is women fake their orgasms. We have. known that women don't orgasm through. penetrative sex since Kama Sutra. And. yet most men will go, "Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've heard about that." Women aren't. having very many orgasms during partner. sex. They're always fake. The way to. solve the whole orgasm thing is How do. we predict if someone's going to cheat. on us? Number one, being close doesn't. actually protect you against infidelity. You become so close to your partner that. you're best friend, you just don't see. them as a sexual partner anymore. If you.

understand how sex works and if you can. make sex good with your partner, affairs. can be so preventable in so many. different ways. Women get bored way quicker than men. Men don't get bored because they get the. orgasm as a reward. You need to give. women interesting erotic sex and then. they'll be interested. Otherwise, they're not going to be interested. I've noticed a trend that amongst my. friendship group, a startling amount of. them are in sexless relationships. Yep. What are some of the most important. solutions? If you want to have great. sex, you need.

That's what you have to do if you want a. good sex life. I think that's phenomenal advice. I have some breaking news. And no, this is an emergency. I've spent. the last 2 years writing a book and I've. written 33 laws for business, marketing, and life that I derive from all of these. conversations I've had here. I traveled. the world to write this book. I. interviewed some of the most incredible. people. I did. 6 months of extensive research on. scientific studies and principles to.

corroborate everything that I wrote into. these 33 laws. And ladies and gentlemen, that book called The Diary of a CEO, the. 33 laws for business, marketing, and. life. is now available for pre-order. And there are 5,000, only 5,000, signed copies. And it's first come, first serve. The link is in the bio right now. So, if.

you want that book, honestly, it's the. best book I've ever written. It's the. book I always should have written. It's. the book I also wish someone had written. for me when I was starting out in my. career. I'm really proud of it. I'm really, really proud of it. Really, really proud. of it. And I can't wait for all of you to get. to read it. It's out in August. I. couldn't be more excited about this as. you can probably tell. I don't know what. to say to say other than the words I've. said to emphasize my excitement cuz I. think it's important and I think it's. really valuable. Um, link in the description.

Tracy, I. reached out to my team and I told my. team that I wanted to have a. conversation with. the individual in the world that was. best and most educated and most. engaging on the subject matter of sex. because I've noticed a bunch of things. in my personal life and the lives of my. friends and those around me. Um, and I. feel like people aren't having the right.

types of conversation about sex. I feel. like we're avoiding it as a society and. I feel like sex is so intrinsically. linked to performance and well-being and. business and all the things I usually. talk about. So, they found you and. that's why you're here. So, my first. question is. who are you and what do you do? What is. your mission? Right, I'm not a trained sex therapist, which is what everybody thinks I am. I'm. a sex educator. Um, which is which I. think means that what I do is I look at.

all the research and look at all the the. sort of what's going on in the sex world. in sort of in academic sense. And then I. work out, okay, so that's all well and. good, but what does this mean for you. and I? Well, not necessarily you and I. together, but people in the bedroom. So, I bring it down to a sort of level that. is more practical, that all my books are. very much like, right, so here's what we. now know about sex, here's how this is. going to help you in bed. So, I think my. job is to sort of get the research and. make it into something that, you know,

the average person can understand and. make it work for them. So, I sort of, yeah, I'm a I'm a sex educator is a. better way to describe me. You know, part of the reason I wanted to. speak to you, as I said at the start of. this conversation, is because I've. noticed a trend. I started to like. smell it amongst my friendship group. where. a startling amount of them are in. sexless relationships. Yep. And they're not they're not, you. know, your book here says great sex. starts at 50. My friends are the friends. I'm talking about are in their 30s. Yes.

And I I. And there's lots of things here. There's. lots of thoughts and I want to figure. out which ones are true. So, I'm I'm going to say a bunch of things. which are inherently naive and I know. they are. So, the first one is like, why. aren't they having sex uh more often and. and is that a is that a problem? Are. their partners to blame because they. seem to want to have sex and their. partners don't? Um, is it wrong? Are. those relationships therefore broken and. should they break up with their partners. because they're not having that much. sex? Um, so we'll go into all of that, but let's start with this this the point.

you raised about how. lust and love. are not necessarily great bedfellows. Um, how does one, if they're in that. situation where they really love their. partner, they're really, really close to. their partner, um, but they're feeling. like the intimacy has ran out the back. door because of, you know, that sexual. intimacy has ran out the back door, how. do we create that balance? You talk. about something called otherness, which. I thought was really compelling. In in. your new book. Such a such a.

big question that is because that's the. question everybody wants to know, how do. you keep desire going long-term? Um, the otherness thing is all about it. the close couples kind of become like. Tweedledum and Tweedledee. They don't do. anything separately. But you you need to. have separateness from your partner. And. this is why during COVID no one had sex. at all. In the beginning it was like, fantastic, we can have sex at 11:00 in. the morning. And then it was like, oh, we can have sex anytime we want. How. unappealing is that? You know, the more. available something is, the less we want. it. But the you need to separate from.

your partner. You need to. be. you know, have your own identity and. your identity with your partner. And. that's the otherness that I talk about. is seeing your partner. in the real world and seeing them when. you're not with them. Like so many. couples only ever see each other at home. in their house. They never see each. other out. And if you go out, I remember. once. very early on into the relationship with. my husband, Miles, he was walking.

through restaurant and I'd arrived first. and he hadn't seen me. I was he was. walking through the restaurant and I saw. a couple of women look over at him and I. was like, [ __ ] you know, he's really. attractive. Well, I knew that, but he's, you know, and if I don't, you know, he's. he's out there all the time, you know, like people are going to be attracted to. him. So, it sort of makes you lift your. game a bit. So, you need that. If you. see your partner at home and you, you. know, hi, hi, you only ever see them. come through the front door, they become. too safe. And I think when people say,

"Oh, my partner would never cheat on. me." I think, how rude is that to think. that your partner's never going to cheat. on you, no matter what you do to them, no matter how horrible you are? That's. terrible. That's like saying your. partner, you know, is just a doormat that you can. do whatever. I like to think that, you. know, my partner's not going to cheat on. me, but, you know, that makes me think. that if I pledge monogamy, I pledge that. I'm going to sexually satisfy my. partner. I think you have an obligation. to do that. And I'm going to keep myself. looking good because love is, you know,

kind, but it's not blind. And I'm going. to do all sorts of things. I think it's. a real insult. If some If Miles said to. me, "I know you'd never cheat on me.". I'd be like, "Huh.". I don't take that as a compliment, would. you? Um, I think it's important to know that. your partner will go and leave you if. you drop the ball in a variety of. different ways. And I think that one of. the interesting points you raised there. is about like physical appearance or. keeping yourself well or keeping. yourself attractive. Do you think, and. I've asked a few people this over time,

do you think we have an obligation to. stay. in shape, attractive, whatever it might. be for our partners? Yes, absolutely. I. don't mean like you have to have. facelifts or, you know, anything like. that, but you you should keep yourself. as attractive as you can, each of you. And I think, you know, And that's not just a physical thing, I. have to say. It's it can be an. intellectual thing. exactly. It's an intellectual thing as. well because desire goes and especially, you know, the, you know, grumpy old man, grumpy old woman thing. When people age,

I think that they become very set in. their ways and, you know, become quite, you know, you don't want to be the. bitter and twisted person. You could. look like, you know, a Greek god and if. you're bitter and twisted, your. partner's still not going to want to. sleep with you. So, yes, I do think we. owe it to each other to say, you know, to look as good as you can and to be as. positive as you can. There is nothing. less sexy than being with somebody who's. miserable all the time, who's a negative. person. It's so interesting that I some of the. most attractive things I find in my.

partner are when I look over and see her. doing her work and her things. Yes. So, actually, it's funny, I she she. doesn't actually know this, but but last. night I came home from work very, very. late cuz I was I was out did some talks. at the. and I came home and I got in through the. door and I my partner was sat at the. kitchen table. It was about 11:00 p.m. at night designing her new studio on her. laptop with her headphones on. And I just found that really I took a. photo.

And it's on my phone. And I took a photo. cuz I'm like I'm proud of her in one. sense, but it was really lovely that. when I walked through the door, it wasn't about me. Mhm. She was busy. doing her own stuff. Doing her own. stuff. Yeah. And I kind of like walked past and. I could almost see how some people might. find it find that threatening. I like, "Well, hey, babe." Give her a kiss like. on then she kind of like kisses me back, but then goes back to the laptop. I'm. like, "This is nice." And I went I went over. and I sat on the sofa on my own and just. watched Manchester United, but there was. something really attractive about it. Yeah. Of course there is. I mean, watching somebody at work doing what. they love is is the moment when yeah,

that you're like, "Wow, this person's. amazing." I mean, I would hate to be a. person who, you know, the partner's at. home waiting for you. Yeah. And where. are you? And it's all about So, what. have you done? Nothing much. How was. your day? Yeah. That's not It's not healthy for a. relationship. That puts it too much on. one person. If you want to have great. sex, you need to have an interesting. life. You need to be doing interesting things. You know, you're not going to be having. great sex if you're boring and you do. the same thing every single day because. you just end up doing the same boring. sex. You need stimulation all the time.

And that routineness is the the enemy of. Yeah. The killer for women. The killer. for women. Because women are the ones. that find monogamy boring, not men. If. you say to men, "Right, you could have. the same sex, pretty much do the same. thing every single time, three times a. week for the rest of your life with this. person." Most men would go, "All right.". Sounds all right to me. If you said that to a woman, she would. go, "You have kidding me." But this is.

what's happening. Women get bored way. quicker than men. And they do so because. our orgasm is far more complicated than. yours. I mean, intercourse is usually. the main event for most couples' sex. Intercourse is like the the big bit that. everyone aims for, right? And that's. great for men because intercourse very. successfully stimulates the penis. You. know, the penis wants to rub it in and. out of something. The vagina does a. great job. Fabulous. For women, the clitoris is outside the. vagina, but some of it is inside and you.

know, because the clitoris isn't that. little tip, by the way. It looks like a. wishbone. Imagine a wishbone and the tip. of the clitoris is at the top and then. it goes down the sides of the legs, right? That's the clitoris. Amazing. 10. 10 cm long. So, because the clitoris is. in on the outside of the vagina, intercourse doesn't cut it for most. women. Only 80 No, 20% of women can. climax through penetrative sex. 20%. Right? That means 80% of women are not. having their orgasms through. intercourse. So, if you're going to.

serve up the same routine sex and most. couples have sex the same way over and. over again every time they have sex, and. that's your lot as a female, you're. having sex which doesn't give you an. orgasm. You're having sex which doesn't. isn't exciting, isn't erotic, isn't it. you know, in any way really interesting, women get bored. Men don't get bored. because they get the orgasm as a reward. Women get bored because the sex is just. not the right sex for them. So, women's. desire for sex goes down so much faster.

than men's does. So, you need to give. women interesting erotic sex and then. they'll be interested, but otherwise, they're not going to be interested. There are 80% of women listening now. that can relate. Yes. So, and it's funny cuz I was speaking to a. friend of mine. I told them that I was. going to have this conversation with. you. And I said, "What would you like me. to to say?" And they this was the. question they had and it's linked to. what you just said. They said, "I'm in a. relationship where my partner is having. um the same sex over and over again.

He's coming very quickly during sex. And. I don't know how to broach the. conversation with him about like this. isn't working for me. um without like embarrassing him or. whatever it might be. What advice would. you give to that person? Gosh, talking about sex is. is just the thing. I mean, do you talk about sex with your. girlfriend? How long have you been together? Four. years now. Oh, well done. We're just. very open with things. Yeah. Well done. That's really good. Because most people talk a lot about sex. in the beginning when it's all going. well. Like, aren't we amazing? That.

wasn't that great. All that sort of. stuff. The minute there's problems, they. tail off. And every sex problem can be solved if. you talk about it. If you don't talk. about sex, the tiniest sex problem can. ruin your whole sex life. And the reason. people don't talk about sex is that. they're worried exactly where she just. said that they're going to hurt their. partner, that they're going to upset. them. Well, you just be really tactful. about it. And I always talk about the. the compliment sandwich. So, say you. want to say So, she wants him to be. what? Give her more foreplay? Something.

like that? Yeah, just he's he's he's. reaching orgasm too quickly and then. she's obviously not enjoying it because. uh he's over and she's still not, you. know, had her her orgasm. No. Well, the. mantra for that is she comes first. Always. The way to solve the whole. orgasm thing in several ways. One of One. of the ways is to have, you know, give her her orgasm through. oral sex, fingers, uh vibrator and then. you go on to intercourse, which is when. he gets his orgasm. So, that's a very I. mean, it's what a lot of um couples do.

A lot of straight couples do. You'll. notice actually when I talk about sex, I. talk about straight couples. The reason. why is that gay couples have a lot. better time of it because they've got. the same issues going on. So, it sort of. helps if you go in lots of ways. Um but. I would say, don't worry so much about. like. if you say to if she said to her. partner, "Look, I really love our sex. I love our. sex. I particularly like it when you do. X, but you know when you used to do Y, give me more foreplay, give me oral sex.

I really really love that. Can we do. more of that?" So, you're not saying, "Actually, you you're not not lasting. long enough." And not lasting long. enough is not going to be an issue with. most women because they don't have their. orgasms through intercourse anyway. So, I think that men need to calm down about. that. They feel like they have to go on. forever and ever and ever and it's like, "Well, she's not going to orgasm that. way anyway." She's going to feel like. she has to. And then you get the faking. it and all that sort of stuff comes into. it. But talking about sex is such a huge. issue for people. And the funny thing. about talking about sex is that once.

you've done it once, it's it's the first. conversation, especially, you know, I. deal with couples who haven't talked. about sex for 30 years. And that first. conversation is excruciating. You know, you're so like, "Oh my god, this is. awful. I just want the you know, earth. to move like open and get rid of me.". But once you move past that that initial. awkwardness, which seriously lasts like. 3 minutes, then all of a sudden it this relief. The. amount of couples you say, "Oh my god, like I can say actually I don't really.

like it when you do that. Can you do. this?" And like, you know, "Does it. worry you that, you know, my erection. isn't as hard as it was when I was. young?" And and you get reassurance and. then they're falling over themselves. You will never ever ever regret trying. to talk about sex with your partner. It. is the number one thing you can do for. your relationship. So, she should think. about what she wants. Be very specific. Men particularly like. they respond best to very specific. instructions. So, instead of saying, "Look, this sex isn't working for me. because, you know, you you're climaxing.

too fast and then all of a sudden it's. over and I'm just left high and dry.". If you say, "This is my idea of the. perfect sex session. Can you just like. let's just. take turns, you know, we each have we. each design our own perfect sex session. You know, I could you start with. kissing, you could move on to kissing my. neck. I really like it if you play with. my breasts and then I love oral sex, but. could you do it for a bit longer? Very. specific. And people are like, "Well, that's like. telling you, you know, saying you like. can you say you love me?" And then they.

say, "I love you back." But no. Giving. instructions in sex is really Most. people are really grateful for it. And. it might feel a bit awkward the session. after that where he's thinking, "Oh my. god, I'm just doing exactly what she. says. Isn't this embarrassing?" And then. all of a sudden you forget about it. And. then the next session and the next. session is like flowing and great. Okay, so couple of counterpoints here just. from personal experience. One of the. things I've always been a bit conscious. of. Or no, one of the things that I. think has irked me a little bit is. and this goes back to what you said.

about lust, this kind of spontaneity and. then the uh the riskiness of it is I. don't want rules. You know? Like I don't. want Rules. I don't want to be I don't. want to be in instructed during sex or. or or or even worse, I don't like that. Do it like this. Oh, no, not. It kind of kills the like I think. sometimes you can become a little bit. like. boy being told off by his mom. You know. what I mean? Yeah. I I that can then that can have an. impact on one's erect erection erection.

and then their like mindset. I think. sometimes for guys, so much of sex is. flowing, feeling like you can flow. Mhm. Sometime if you get like if you got. critical feedback during sex, that's. like a. pressure stress which then the erection. might not, you know, hold out. Well, first of all, it's natural for an. erection to come and go during any sex. session. So, that's not really. important. But maybe yeah, criticism. isn't great. Like, don't do it like. that. Move over here or or in a very.

barking, you know, sergeant major, you. know, "Can you move to the left?" That's. not so great. But if you if you do it I. mean, often men do it's do don't hit the. spot and they are doing it wrong. And. so, do you want women to just lie back and. go, "Fuck, it's not even remotely close. to where it should be, but I'm going to pretend." Yeah. Because. that's what And this is why women don't. give men instruction in bed is because. they know that a lot of men don't like. it. A lot of men say, you know, it is. you know, it does disrupt the.

proceedings. But then it's very quickly. back on track if you do it, you know, if. you go and do what exactly she wants. Personally, I think sexual instruction, you can say or just over to the left a. bit or that feels great there. And you know, whenever you can give. positive feedback rather than negative. is great. So, giving I'm sure you. wouldn't mind if she says, "No, that's. perfect. Stay there. Stay there. Do it. for longer." Yeah, exactly. is the positive framing. Yeah. Yeah, that's the key thing. The. key thing is absolutely that. And then. if if maybe you've still haven't aren't.

haven't hit the spot, then afterwards. you say, "Actually, um you know, that. didn't quite work. Can I just tell you. where or what works for me?" And then. demonstrate on your hand or something. That's always a really good way to do. it. But yeah, the key is in the. positive. No one's going to respond to. sex where somebody's going, "Oh, that's. not right. Why are you doing that for? That's terrible." You know, "Don't go. there. Eh, that doesn't feel anything.". You know, "No, that's terrible. That's. awful.". And those instructional sessions should. happen when? Before sex, during sex, after sex? Well, depends on the couple a.

little bit. I mean, you can use body. language during sex. I don't know about. before sex. I think maybe sometimes. after sex, when you're getting on really. well and, you know, having a few drinks. maybe, if you're a drinker, and relaxed. and just talking generally, that's sort. of the time to say, "By the way, you. know, that" I always think that's a good. time if you want to try something new. Or to say, "Oh, by the way, my friend. was talking about doing X, you know, what do you think about that?" I always. think things like conversations about. sex that are positive and exciting and, you know, talking about trying new. things should happen outside the.

bedroom, really. Um but otherwise, yeah, you do have to. have those instructional sessions, I'm. afraid. What if you want to do something. and your partner doesn't want to do it? Generally, a request for something new, a request for anything is just a request. for variety. So say your partner says, "I want to try having sex outside." And. you really don't want to have sex. outside. The correct answer to that is, "Look, that's really not my thing, but. you know, why don't we try X?" Most.

people, if they want to try something. new, if you give them, you know, "I'm. not open to that, but I am open to. something else," then they'll be fine. about it. But I mean, where you get into. problems with somebody wanting to try. something at the other partner not. wanting to try is if it's something a. bit fetish. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and. that's when you get Did you ever watch. um Billions? You know, where they she. she had the fetish of, you know, being. whipped and wanting to be the. submissive. And and he just let her go. off and be satisfied by um a sex worker. That's one option, by the way, if your.

partner has a fetish, is to just go, "Okay, I accept that you've got this. fetish and it's not for me. So if you if. it's really so much part of your makeup. that you can't live without it, then go. off with a sex worker and satisfy it.". That's the extreme version. But most of. the time I think or you can meet. halfway. Like say um. say your partner Say you want to have a. threesome with two women. Well, then the meeting halfway might be. that you have phone sex with a sex. worker. Maybe you role-play it. Maybe. you go to a lap dancing club and she.

gets a lap dance by someone. There is. There's always some kind of compromise. in there where you can capture a sense. of what the other person wants. Okay, so let's go back up to this this. this initial question. My friends, they're in their 30s, sexless sexless relationships. They are. increasingly frustrated about it, it. seems. Um. It's funny, I've got like Yeah, I've got. this collection of my best friends who. are we're very. talkative and communicative around our. sex lives and stuff. And I just noticed. that in various ways they're in.

situations where they're not they don't. feel like they're getting enough sex. from their partner and they see it as a. critical problem, which would which. might result in them, for example, being. um. cheating or. um ending the relationship. Even in my own um sort of sexual. experience, what got me really engaged. with this subject matter was I was in a. relationship where the part my partner. turned around to me one day after 6. months and said like, "I don't like. having sex.". Oh. Did she say you or did she say she. or. with me. with me. Oh. Great. And as he as yeah,

as a young man, I I I think with, you. know, with an ego, I thought, "Well, what does that mean? That's super. emasculating. Does that mean that. I'm not hitting it right or like do I. maybe it's her problem, you know, whatever." And so I went on that journey. What did she mean? So it's interesting. because we separated. Yeah. My reaction. was very like. And also, I turned to her and said like, "Why?". And she said the next sentence was, "I'm. not comfortable talking about that with. you.". Oh. Yeah, so for me that was like the. door had closed. Of course it did, cuz where do you go. with that? Yeah, so exactly. So I broke up with.

her. Yeah. And um. year passes, we both go to different. places, we both going to you know, figure ourselves out a little bit. And. on her journey, she really got to. understand that the at the heart of her. relationship with sex was this fear that. had derived from previous relationships. where the partner was very forceful, you. know, um. a parent cheating, all of those things. that we kind of discussed earlier. So it. wasn't that she. necessarily didn't like having sex. There was a lot of psychological work to. be done. Right. removing that fear of like. abandonment. And really, if I made her.

feel safe, really really safe, then the sexual. appetite would return. That's what. happened. Mm. Oh. So a year later we get. back together. We end up having the best. sex of our lives. on an ongoing basis. Um. and it was because she was able to. understand I was Okay, so first she was. able to understand what was really going. on. I was able to like be patient enough. to like listen and, you know, go for weeks and weeks and months with.

not having sexual intimacy and just be. there, which allowed her to feel safe. And then. beyond that we were able to kind of like. rebuild it. Thanks for sharing that. And. we're still together today. Oh my god, so this is your girlfriend? Yeah. I'll have to ask her for. permission to say this. I'll show her. the clip and make sure she's comfortable. with it. But um. but that's my kind of girlfriend. story. So we went from a point of I. don't like having sex, I don't like. having sex, a really really bad. situation. to. the best situation I think one can. imagine in that department. Obviously, communication was at the heart of it. Of.

course. Of course. Always, yeah. And giving her space to, you know, and and I give the credit to. her cuz she figured that out. But that's. what got me really into the subject. matter cuz I've now got loads of friends. that are in that situation. Mm. What. What I would say to your friends is. if your partner doesn't want to have sex. with you, I wonder whether how good the sex is. because. a lot of women say no. I'm presuming. these straight couples. A lot of women. say no to sex because the sex that's on. offer is not that interesting to them. So for this, we need to talk about sex. drives, spontaneous desire versus.

responsive desire. Have you heard of. that? Yes. Yeah. From reading your book. So spontaneous desire is 2/3 of men have. spontaneous desire. And it's the desire. that everybody has at the beginning. And. by the way, if you want to know. somebody's resting libido, you can't. you've got to wait about a year. You. have to wait about a year to find out. what their real libido is because it's. always so artificially inflated at the. start, right? But so spontaneous desire, 2/3 of men have this. It's It's the, you. know, want to see want to see, you know,

seek sex. Want sex, seek sex. They can. go from People with spontaneous desire. could be like scrolling through. Instagram, somebody sexy walks past and. it's like, "Wow, I'm instantly aroused. for sex." They go from zero to 100 very. quickly. They seek out their mate, want. sex, and they're off, right? Responsive desire means that you have no. desire for sex or very little desire for. sex until somebody is actually doing. something to you sexually. So this is somebody who, you know, maybe.

is with their partner. Their partner. wants to have sex. They're not even. slightly interested, but goes, "Okay, look, I'll give it a go." Then once. start things start happening, if their. partner is very good at stimulating them. and they enjoy the stimulation, all of a. sudden they're like, "Yeah, actually, yeah, I'm enjoying this." That's the. warming up. That's the warming up, right? Now, 30%. of women have responsive desire. The. rest of them are a mix between. spontaneous and responsive. Most men So you've got this situation. where most men have spontaneous desire, most women are responsive. Most men are.

very happy to go straight to genital. sex. They don't need warming up the way. their anatomy works. For women, foreplay. isn't a a luxury, it's a necessity. because in order for sex to be. comfortable, you need the vagina to. tent. So it literally puffs up so that. it can, you know, take a a penis comfortably. So if you. don't wait for that to happen and you go. male-style sex, go straight for. penetration, she's not even. off the starting blocks and suddenly.

you're penetrating, sex isn't great, and. then it's all over. So for men, you. could have like not even thinking about. sex to having finished within 10. minutes. For women, they need time to warm up. because their sex drive is responsive. So they've almost like blink and it's. over and they haven't even got to 5%. desire. And this is the problem with. couples. And that's that's with I'm. talking about a very basic couple who. probably don't talk about sex and who. aren't terribly sexually savvy. So I. think cuz I think people have an.

understanding vague understanding that. women need more foreplay. I mean, that's. been drummed into men, hasn't it? But I think that what women don't. understand is that women think, you. know, at the beginning it was great, it. was all spontaneous, I desire was there. You know, when you get into a long-term. relationship, desire doesn't tap you on. the shoulder anymore. You have to create. it. And women I think think because they. that spontaneous desire is gone, and they don't feel like sex, it just. doesn't come out of the blue unless they. start having sex,

they think, "Oh, that just must mean I. don't want sex anymore. Well, something's wrong with me. I don't want. sex anymore." You do want sex. It's just. that you've got to be. have sexy things happening to you before. you feel the desire for sex. And if people understood that, if women. understood it better and stopped saying, "Oh, well, it's obviously means my sex. drive's gone." No, it hasn't. It's. there. You've just got to have great. stimulation and great sex to get it. back. And the other thing about women is that. women we have this thing about that. women want tame and they want romance.

and stuff. That's not true. So much. research now shows that women like. erotic wild sex. I mean, they've done. these experiments with women where. they'll show them erotic videos and. they'll wire up the genitals to measure. genital response. So when you're aroused. as a woman, blood flows to the genitals. same as men, and you lubricate. So, they're watching all these videos, various sexy videos, and they have to. say, you know, "Will anything else. dis-arouse you?" No, because society. says no, we're not supposed to be. And.

the genitals are like, "Are you kidding? What are you thinking? This is. fantastic. I'm absolutely say yes to. this. Say yes to this." So, the the you. know, the there's such a big difference. between what we're taught and what we. would like. So, if your girlfriend is. saying no to sex and you're in a. long-term relationship, it's because. you're not giving her interesting enough. sex. Give her exciting, erotic sex. Give. her something like, "Actually, this is. what we're going to do." I mean, look at. 50 Shades of Grey. That got middle-aged. women wanting sex with women who hadn't. wanted sex for 20 years. I remember.

being on a holiday with my husband, and. we started talking to this couple, and. it was around the time that 50 Shades. came out. And she knew what I did, and. she said um she said, "God, I hadn't. really had great sex with my partner, wasn't interested in sex, you know, for. like 10 years. She said, "I read the. book. I'm sitting there 2:00 in the. morning. I'm looking down at my partner. I'm thinking, I really just want to wake him up and. have sex with him.". And she said, "And I've never And And. then she said, 'And I read the books, and suddenly I was back into this erotic.

sex with my husband that I'd just. forgotten I'd forgotten about.' Like, you think of sex as like, 'Oh God, here. we go, kissing, bit fumbling, you know.'. And then the routine sex. But give. people something interesting. Like, all. your friends, give her really. interesting scenarios. Take her. somewhere sexy. Push her out of her. comfort zones. Don't give her romance. Don't give her, you know, give her sexy. sex. And then they'll be interested. Mhm. I'm I'm thinking of my friends like. posing that and how uncomfortable they'd.

feel. Really? Like, "Babe, I want to drive to the. countryside and da da da da da." Because. you know, when you've been with someone. and you've become that kind of sibling. thing that you described earlier, they might almost look at you with a bit. of horror? Horror, yeah. Yeah, you. wouldn't go straight from not talking. about sex to like, "And we're going to. go to a lap dancing club tonight." And. No, you have to you have to have the. conversation. You have to bite the. bullet and have the conversation because. the thing about sex is relationships, if. you haven't had sex for a year with your. partner, it is very unlikely you're.

going to have sex again with your. partner, unless you confront it head-on. If you just think, "Yeah, this will. pass, this will pass." It will never. pass. You're not going to suddenly go, "Oh my god, look at that. We haven't had. sex for 5 years. Let's go to bed now.". No, it's got to the awkward, awkward, awkward stage. So, I mean, 30% of. couples who've been together for 2 years. or more don't have sex. 2 years, not 10. years, 2 years. 30%. It is very easy to.

get out of the habit of sex, and once. you're out of the habit of sex, the less. often you do it. And then couples get. into this thing where it's like, "God, we haven't had sex for ages, but you. know what? Next weekend we'll have this. marathon sex session, and that'll make. up for it all." And then the marathon. sex session is like, "God, how am I. going to find time for that?" Or, you. know, "That's a bit daunting." And then, of course, you'd have to have sex for. like 6 weeks to make up for the session. So, it just becomes more and more. insurmountable. So, I always say to. people, just have little bite-size bits. of sex. You know, don't have Sex doesn't have to.

have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Like, have a big snogging session. Have. a thing where he gives you oral, you. don't do any, you know, give nothing. back. Or you give him oral. Or, you. know, you just do something sensual. together. You have a bath together. That's counts as sex. You know, people. think sex has to have intercourse in. there. It doesn't. It's the least. favorite bit for women. Take the. intercourse out. Start doing little bite-size stuff to. reconnect sexually. It's like a frog in a frying pan, that. old analogy of how slowly that, you. know, the frog doesn't realize it's.

being heated in a frying pan until the. water is boiling and it's dead. Like, it. happens very, very gradually in. relationships. And then you get to a point where you. go, "How the hell did we get here?". Yeah. And at that point, you have to have the talk. The talk. This is interesting cuz one of my my. friends was I was talking to him about. it, and I was saying like, "You've let. it gradually stray so far, and you're. currently letting it You're not. addressing it. You need to stage a. crisis." Mhm. It's kind of the way I. framed it to him, which was like, "You. need to say. stop. Yeah. Like, this relationship has. to stop. We have to have a conversation. now because I'm at a point now where.

I'm either going to leave this. relationship or I'm going to end up. cheating or something. So, we need to. fix this together. And it needs to feel. important. Yeah. Or else it'll be allowed to. simmer. That's exactly right. And of. course, what lots of people do in that. scenario is they just turn to porn. Yeah. And they just satisfy themselves. with porn, but that's not ideal, obviously. Why? But you Well, because it's it's pretty. soulless sex, isn't it? Just watching. porn and masturbating. I do you know, there's It's really funny about porn, actually, because. I used to have a great relationship with.

porn. I used to say to people all the. time like, "Porn is your friend. Watch. it with your partner. It's great for, you know, if you've got a high sex drive. and your partner doesn't, it it, you. know, you can satisfy yourself. It it. keeps your imagination, you know, piqued. You, you know, can satisfy that. sense of newness by watching porn." And. now porn's moved into a really ugly. stage with, you know, there's such a. a concentration on aggressive acts like. spitting, choking. Choking is terrible. Um slapping across the face. It's become.

very much like that, and young men are. growing up to think that this is what a. normal sex session is like. This is. normal, real-life sex. It is not. Porn. is nothing like real-life sex. And then. women look at it and go, "Gosh, right, okay, that's obviously what's expected. of me. This is what I have to do." And. it's it's moving into a very nasty. direction. They say unmet expectations. equal unhappiness. So, by setting. expectations up here as like, Mhm. "We're going to do this for an hour, and. I'm going to tie you up and spit on you. and choke you, and you're going to make. this sound, and you're going to scream,

and you're going to tell me I'm this, and you're going to say that I'm your. father whatever." Yeah, yeah. Whatever. the thing might be. Then for those unmet. expectations equals unhappiness in the. bedroom. You go, "Well, you know, I'm going to have to go looking for. something else.". Exactly. And that's what young men do. cuz they think that's what sex is going. to be about. It's not. So, then they. keep looking for the girls who will give. them that. And then girls very quickly. figure out, "Okay, if I want to be. liked, I have to do that." I've just. done a done a big thing on choking, and. and I interviewed all these young girls, and it was it was horrifying. It was. that they'd been I mean, between 58% of.

college students between the age of, you. know, like. had all been choked. I think. 30% of them had been asked. And I'm not. talking about, you know, symbolic. choking of just putting a hand on the. throat, which even that freaks me out. But I'm talking about, you know, cutting. off wind supply. There was one girl who. told me she was 21. She'd gone out with this guy who seemed. really nice. He started choking her. She. said no. She passed out. She woke up. next to this guy who was asleep.

He then said to And then she got herself. out of there and was like, "Oh my god.". You know, terrified. He texted her the. next day and said, "Oh my god, babe, the. sex was awesome. Let's meet up again.". And she was she was just like, "How. could you possibly think that that was. good?". And that worries me a lot. I think that. that I mean, I sex I think is moving in. a great way in lots of ways, particularly for young women, except for. things like that. I think that is. terrible. So, you know, you don't want. to be satisfying yourself with porn. But. you have to have the conversation if sex.

is now out of your marriage. You cannot. just let it go and be the elephant in. the room because exactly what you said. is going to happen. You're going to. leave or you're going to cheat. So, you sit down with your partner and. you say, "Listen, we really need to have a. discussion about this. I love you. desperately. Um but I miss our sex. I really We used. to have lovely sex. I love having sex. with you. You're really desirable. It's. It's, you know, and I Can we talk about. why this isn't happening anymore? Are you having the sort of, you know, is. it that the sex that we're having isn't.

doing it for you? What can I do to make. you, you know, want to have sex more. often with me because I would really. love to have sex with you more often. Can we have a discussion about this?". Okay, I've got friends that have tried. that. And what happened? Um the partner. doesn't necessarily know. It's a similar. situation to what I the one in the. situation I described that I was in. where my partner turned around and said. something because they might not have. the information themselves. They go, "Well, I just don't like having it." And. they might not know that the, you know, the responsive sex language that you. talked about, and they might not know.

what's going on with Oh, I see. The. partner might not know why she doesn't. want to have sex. Why she or he doesn't like having sex. Um And then you kind of hit a wall, don't you? Well, that's when you educate. yourself. That's when you give Read a. few of my books. Yeah, yeah. you a bit of education. But I mean, okay, so the partner who wants sex is. generally more driven. So, maybe they. could sexually actually educate. themselves and say, "You know, I've been. reading up about this. Perhaps it might. be because of this. Can we try having. sex this way?". But it's all about breaching the topic, and then, I mean, depending on the.

reaction, I mean, I know I've, you know, encouraged some people to have this. talk, and then they've got an answer. which is just startling. Well, they'll. say, "I don't want to have sex anymore. I'm not interested in solving this. So, that's it. So, you just have to put up. with it.". That's what I That's basically Well, what I got. If somebody says that to. you, and they really and you've tried on. several occasions, and you I I think. that is grounds for walking out myself. And I did. Yeah. Yeah. And a miracle seems to have Yes,

because then people do themselves a. favor. And sometimes maybe you walk out, and then the person thinks, "Well, gosh, actually, that's not very fair." Because. monogamy is all about, you know, I. pledge to only have sex with one person. Well, if that person withdraws sex, then. where are you left? Apart from having. solo sex, and, you know, or you have an. agreement, "Okay, well, if you won't. have sex with me, then what are my. options? My options are to satisfy. myself, to cheat, to you happy for me to seek the sex. elsewhere? And lots of lots of times.

people will say, "Yeah, actually, I am. I don't want to know about it. I don't want it to be in our friendship. group. And we're going to have to have. rules about this, but, you know, some. women are more than happy with for that. to happen." Or some men are more than. happy for that to happen. It's not just. a female thing here. Men go off sex as. well. On this point of porn as well, there was I read something recently. about the shame that it's causing in in. people. Like I I I think the study that. I read and I'm. Yeah, I think I read that, too. About. 40% of men that use um that masturbate. to porn report to feeling a sense of.

shame. And then it when we think about. the sort of macro, where we are in sex. as a society right now, there is a. decline of sex, isn't there, going on? Which is quite concerning. Yeah, there is a there's a sex. recession. And that's very much because. I mean, basically, there wasn't a sex. recession before social media, streaming, phones. It's all to do with. that. We have too much to do. We. basically just go off sex because we. have other things to entertain us. You. know, pre all that, 10:34 on a Saturday.

night, most couples were having sex. There was nothing else to do. Mhm. That. was it. We just did two, you know, there's that going on. So, we're too. busy. We've got too many other things on. our plate. That's the main problem with. long-term couples. Then you have, like, I think less face-to-face communication, which makes which makes people quite. nervous. If you haven't had sex before. and you're dealing mainly with, you. know, FaceTime calls, you know, video. calls, which is what you lots of young. people are, when you're face-to-face, they get very nervous. They don't know. anything about body language. They don't.

know how to connect, and sex becomes. scary. In Japan, there's something like. 30% No, higher. I think more like 45% of. people get to the age of in their 30s. and they're virgins. They've never even. had a sexual encounter. And they just And if you don't give your. body sex, your body doesn't want sex. So, they could quite happily go through. life completely sexless. That's what's. going to end up happening with sex. We. are becoming less and less and less. And, you know, the more we go into.

virtual worlds. the more I mean, the amount of people. who rely on porn for sex, who can't even. be bothered going out and finding a. partner cuz it's all too difficult. I mean, we're it's becoming less and. less about the intimacy and more and. more about just the getting off part. We're now in an AI world as well. Yes, terrifying. Which is very. interesting. Yes. Because you're now you. know, we've heard about sex dolls and. stuff like that over the years. But a. sex doll that can speak to you with such. depth and reason and apparent emotional. uh nuance and understanding is really,

really scary. Mhm. You can think I was. thinking about I'm thinking about this. Thinking about all the different ways. that AI is going to disrupt us as like a. the social fabric of society. And one of. the really clear ways that was. you can now have a sex doll in your. house that speaks to you, that comforts. you, that understands your problems, understands what you're going through, and can give you unbelievable advice, will never shout at you, will never. criticize you, and will please you in a. in a personalized way. It will learn how. to please you.

Sounds great, doesn't it? Fantastic. Let's just swap our partners for that. No, but that is we're right there. We're. on the we're on the doorstep of that. world. And do you know what, though? Think. about all the lonely people. Think about all the lonely people that. can now have a companion. I think Think. about it like that. Is it a real connection? If you're somebody who can't find a. companion in real life or you're lonely, I mean, it's better than a dog, isn't. it? I mean, it's I I I mean, I think. that's got some really nice applications. to it. But it's also got some dire. applications to it. Because then, you.

know, ultimately, we'll end up with a. with no population, will we, cuz no one. will be having sex with a real person. Yeah. Dave's going to be slightly more less. lonely potentially, right? But. Mhm. if we if we go up that exponential. curve of improvement, we get to a point. where this thing is walking, it's. talking, it is making making your. breakfast, your dinner, your whatever, then it's satisfying you on demand. And. then you look over at a human and you go.

uh. They're going to be more interesting. than humans, aren't they? That's what I'm saying. They're going to. be more interesting, they're going to be. better in every way at, you know, every. way at. will be more interesting, surely. You. you think? like somebody like a It's like a yes. person. I don't want a yes person in my. life. I want somebody who's going to. challenge me. they do? Yeah. People I think people will choose. the short-term Mhm. without thinking. about the long-term of like connection. and companionship over time and. challenge and different solving problems. and. You'd you know, I think the average. person, if they could be faced with a.

with if they were to draw their perfect. partner, they wouldn't say, "I want. difficulty No. and challenge and. sometimes to walk out on arguments and. to be interrupted when the football's. on." Yeah. Yeah, you're not going to put that in. there. But then I think surely over time. I don't know. I I do worry about AI with. humans and I don't share, you know, like. some people present the argument of. like, "We'll be free to do all these. amazing esoteric things." We won't. We'll just sit there and look at social. media and get fat and drink and. sit in our rooms watching porn. That's. what we'll do. Yeah, cuz we choose the.

like short-term dopamine hit over the. long-term. Yeah, instant gratification. Gosh, that is scary. That's going to be. a huge industry. Yeah. I mean, it. already is a big industry. But but these these living AI sex dolls. will be a huge industry. Mhm. I don't think they've quite. perfected the robot bit, though, have. they? Um so, there's a couple of things. happening in in tandem. I mean, Elon. Musk is is is working on his own um. robots at Tesla. We have Boston. Robotics, I believe they're called, who. have been working on robots for a long. time. But um. it's going to move very quickly as as. all all exponential curves do. So, now.

we've got the kind of. machine learning modeling um ML MLM AGI, they call it, artificial general. intelligence stuff moving quickly. The. robotic side, I think, is going to gain. pace because now there's a greater. demand. But it's really, really It's one. of the things I am Did you see that film. Blade back in the day? No. I saw Lars. and the Real Real Girl. Do you remember. that? That was about a guy who had a sex. doll. Oh, really? And the whole village. um sort of accepted it. And then when he. didn't need her, he got a real person at. the end. But no, I didn't see Blade. I.

just there's a scene in this film called. Blade where he puts on a headset and. it's set I mean, it was 20 years ago, but it was set in the. in the future. Puts the headset on and. this headset, you know, is exactly that. It's an AI that basically gets him off. And he has the time of his life. And. actually, they sit his cup his partner. sits opposite him and they both put the. headset on. And they Yeah, actually, I do think I. did see that. Yeah. It's a scary world. what we'll be doing. We will be doing. that. I mean, we're kind of going that way. already with porn. And we talked about. this sort of macro decline in sex.

Are you hopeful that we can turn that. around? Um yes. And I have great help hope with. the young generation of women. I think. this is the first generation of women. who really have probably the least. sexual hang-ups that we've ever had. And. I think that. I mean. young women are much more adventurous. than young men. It's sort of going. in a weird direction, I think, that way. And all the young women that I'm in. contact with I'm talking about young.

women in their 20s, early 30s. We know that young women are more. bi-curious than men. We know that young. women are more interested in threesomes. with two women than men are. We know that young women are more. interested in going to a sex club than. men are. We know that young women are more. interested in polyamory. And they they. don't want several love relationships. They want. the lovely relationship, and then they. want to be able to have sex with men on. the side. It's not men thinking like. this. This is women thinking like this.

And. I think that it's going to make for more. interesting relationships. And because. the whole women are overturning. everything. Like. the motivation for affairs now has. completely reversed. So, men used to. have affairs for sex. Now most men, if. they're in a good relationship, will. satisfy that with porn, right? Most men. Um now men have affairs for love and. affection. Women have affairs They used to have. affairs for love that they weren't.

getting from their partner. Now they. have affairs for erotic sex. Sex where. they're not looking after their partner, they can be selfish, they don't have to. care about whether they hurt his. feelings or say, "Don't do it that way.". They're not going to care about whether. Stephen doesn't like it if he's being. instructed. It's like, "Do that. Do. this." They want that sort of sex, right? And that's why they're having. affairs. So, I feel like my hope is that. women are going to take the charge and. go forward, and we're going to end up. with sex that's more interesting, sex. that's less doing everything to please a.

man, more. equal, you know, "This is what I need. This is what I want. This is what you. need. This is what you want. Let's work. out the best way to do that together.". Not where, you know, because so many. women still now, that's the thing that. does disappoint me, is still have sex to please men, still. pretend to have orgasms during. penetrative sex because society's. brainwashed. We have known that women. don't orgasm basically through. penetrative sex since Kama Sutra, which. was written in the 3rd to 5th century.

And yet most men will go, "Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've heard about that. I've heard about that. It hasn't. happened to me. I've just been really. lucky." Or my girlfriends, you know. I. mean, it's just like they're faking. They're faking because the girl before. faked and they feel they have to fake. And. you know, every depiction of sex is. that, you know, everybody has this. mutual orgasm, simultaneous orgasm. together. And that's just how sex is. Well, it's. not like that. It's it's totally not. like that at all. Speaking of young.

women, in your book Great Sex Starts at. 50, one of the things you talk about is. the issue of sort of sexual confidence. and sexual self-esteem. Um talk about. that in the opening chapter of the book. And. I found it really compelling that it. really interesting that. women. view them selves differently when they. look in the mirror, which has a libido. impact. Body image is terrible. They've. just done a study which looked at. two decade 20 years of studies. So, they.

did a study on all the studies on body. image. And it turns out that it impacts. every single area of sex, regularity of sex, enjoyment of sex, arousal, desire, orgasm. And it makes. sense that if you don't like your body, you're not going to want anyone to look. at it or touch it. It is the biggest. problem with women today and their sex. lives is that often, you know, this is. the other thing with your friends, you know, have they just had babies? Has. their body changed? You know, are they. not feeling so desirable? You know,

desire, I think, feeling desired by your. partner is much more important to women. than, you know, anything else. If your. partner looks at you and they, you know, like, "God, you're so hot, you're so. sexy." That is the biggest turn-on of. all. And if you're feeling not great about. yourself and your mindset is so much. down on yourself that you think, "I. don't even How could he possibly look at. me and think that I'm attractive?" Then. you'll never feel that you your partner. could fancy you to death, but you're. never going to feel it because your. brain's just gone, "Nope. I am not. sexually attractive anymore.".

So, that is a real problem. It's a real. problem. And do you know what the. solution is for that? It's not to go off and get a facelift or. get your hair done or lose weight or go. to the gym more. Though, actually, going. to the gym more is one. Exercise is. really good for your sex drive and for. your self-esteem. But the other thing is that cures body. image is um is actually to have sex. more. If you have sex more often and your. partner enjoys it, your brain goes on a.

subconscious level, "Well, you know. what? It can't be that bad because he's. having sex with me or she's having sex. with me, whoever's having sex with you. They're enjoying it." And so, you it. start your brain starts to make sense of. it all and go, "Okay, right. You know, this is. I'm obviously not as undesirable as I. think." And it starts to sort of become. better and more able to be dealt with. So, the more you have sex, the better. because it gives you confidence. And. sexually confident women. women who think they're good in bed. So,

increase your skills as well. If you're. worried if that you're not a great. lover, read up on it. Buy some of the. books. Go online. Look up technique. You. know, cuz technique is very important. And the better lover you think you are, the less you worry about what you look. like in bed. We all know that. Sexually. confident women win all the time. And. sexually confident women. put on weight the same way other people. do as they get on in life, etc., etc. You know, their bodies are different. after pregnancy, but they don't focus on. that. They're like, "Hey, I'm a. brilliant lover. Who cares? You know, he's not looking at that. He's just. thinking how fantastic I am.".

So, it's more about increase your. confidence as a lover, exercise more, and I mean, then the obvious, take. yourself off of social media, stop. comparing yourself to other people, all. that sort of stuff. But it's it's. difficult. It's very difficult. And I. think men suffer from this as well. That's so unbelievably true, especially. um. especially the part that it also relates. to men because I've got multiple. accounts from female friends of mine. that are in a heterosexual relationship. that have told me their partner won't. have sex with them with his top off or.

with the lights on. Um and also the. point there about how you solve that. body confidence issue, that. confidence comes from the evidence you. get from doing the thing. Yeah. And also, if you are worried about your. body, when you're having sex, close your. eyes. Like, close your eyes and think about. what you're feeling. It's about what it. what you're feeling, not like how you're. looking. Because if it's stressing you. out and you're looking and thinking, "Oh. my god, he's looking at my thighs. He's. looking at this." Just close your eyes. and go into yourself. Or, become more. active. That's the other way to overcome.

body issues. Is if you're really active. in bed and you're like looking at your. partner and you're talking dirty and. you're making lots of eye contact that. way, anything to sort of take yourself. out of yourself is good. You either go. into yourself and focus on what you're. feeling rather than what you're looking. like, or you sort of become way more. active. That also works. Three things. that boost sexual self-esteem easily in. your book. Initiate sex to feel more powerful. Yes, absolutely. Initiation is such a big. thing on so many levels. And if you.

don't ever initiate sex with your. partner, you're essentially saying, "I. don't actually enjoy having sex with. you. I'm only having sex with you. because you've asked me to have sex with. you.". And people argue about that. It's like, "Well, his sex drive's way bigger or, you know, higher and all that sort of. stuff." It doesn't matter. You really. need to have a thing where, you know, if. if your partner's got a much bigger sex. drive than you, you need to say. something, "Look, okay. It's really sexy. being the person who's the sexy one in. the relationship. That's why, you know, it's great. It's nice to be that person.

But I want to be the sexy one in the. relationship. So, hold off on initiating. for a while and give me a chance to. initiate so that I can feel more. powerful." And it's it's such a great. dynamic that. That power dynamic in in, you know, relationships is really. important that you have to be sometimes. the dominant person, you have to be the. submissive person. And if you swap. around, it makes for a much more. interesting sex life. But if you don't. initiate, I mean, it's a real cop-out to. never initiate sex. I really do think. so. And when women do it who don't often.

initiate sex, what often happens is that they'll be so. subtle that the man misses the point. completely. It's like, "Well, I gave him. this really sexy kiss." And it was like, "Yeah, and? Yeah, anything else? Anything else that went with that?" And. and he didn't even, you know, and now. I'm not going to do that again. It's. like, "Oh, for God's sake, just be. really obvious about it.". Be really obvious about it. And going. back to initiation, just be aware. that how you initiate sex. will influence whether or not your.

partner says yes. So, if you initiate. sex the wrong way, your partner might. say no to sex because you just. approached it all the wrong way. Whereas, if you approach your partner. that you know has got a responsive sex. drive by talking, cuddling, connecting, whatever she wants could be, you know, she might want you to. initiate sex like that. But you know, and getting her in the mood the way she. wants to be in the mood, not the way you. would like her to get in the mood, but. the way she wants to be in the mood,

she'll probably say yes to sex. So, a. lot of people saying no to sex isn't. that they don't want sex, they're just. being approached the wrong way and. they're not being warmed up the right. way. So, if you can solve those two basic. things, it can change everything. Feels. like there's something really fun-. fundamental here that we we assume sex. will take care of itself. It never Oh my. god. Writing all those sex books, when I. go to a dinner party, people either want. to sit next to me or they go as far away. from me as they possibly can because.

they're terrified. And the people who. say to me, "Oh God, but I don't need a. sex book.". I'm like, "Yes, you do. You're the. person that needs a sex book. I've. written 17 of them and I'm still. learning about sex. There is so much to. learn about sex. How can you think you. possibly know everything about sex. without ever educating yourself?" And. it's changing. Of course it is. But. people who think that they're born great. lovers, they don't, you know, I mean, the female response system is. complicated. Who knew what a clitoris. was back in the day? You know, like.

they're difficult to stimulate. Actually, they're not that difficult. You just give it a vibrator and then. they're fine. But um you know, it's not. easy being a great lover. And can I just. say one more thing about orgasms is we. worry too much about orgasms and how we. get them. There is no right way to have. an orgasm because everyone thinks the. right way to have an orgasm is during. intercourse with your partner and. preferably then climaxing at the same. time. Simultaneous orgasms hardly ever. happen for a start. They're always. faked. So, the easiest way to give a woman an.

orgasm, I mean, great women who can be. very easily orgasmic if you use the. right finger technique, if you give her. the right oral sex technique. But the. thing that is most expert at stimulating. the clitoris is vibration. Most women can have an orgasm within 3. minutes with a vibrator. So, we have. this big orgasm gap problem where men. are having lots of orgasms during. partner sex, women aren't having very. many orgasms during partner sex because. they don't understand each other very. well, because sometimes people just just.

can't relax with another person there, right? So, the solution is to put your hand in. the bedside drawer and bring out a. vibrator and she would have an orgasm. every single time the same way you have. an orgasm every single time. Why don't. we all just do this? It's the easiest. solution in the world. But we don't. Young men are better at it. They'll. often say, "Oh, you know," and she'll. say, if women are honest and they'll. say, "Look, you know, that was. fantastic, but I kind of missed the. moment a bit, which you can as a woman. Can I just use my vibrator or can you. use the vibrator on me?".

Sorted. But we have this like, "That's a. cheating orgasm." Yeah, or that it takes. something away from what sex is supposed. to be. But it's a solution. I'm not saying have. all your orgasms like that. But just. maybe now and then have the vibrator in. the bed. And why is it inferior? If you. can have all that intimacy, if you've. had the oral sex, you've had the. intercourse, you thoroughly enjoyed it, but it just hasn't given you that tip. over. What I mean by that question about this. fundamental belief that kind of sex is.

supposed to take care of itself. And I. think that's why we don't talk about it. enough. We don't research about it. enough. We don't um try put invest in. making it new and exciting and different. and all the things you've said is. because we just just cuz at the start it. kind of takes care of itself, doesn't. it? it does, yeah. First couple of months. and then All the sex hormones are there. driving us, driving us without even us. having to think about it. And then we you don't think about sex as. something you've got to work on and and. talk about and invest in and buy stuff. for and, you know, change all the time.

I've already got a job. You know, I. don't. I know. Well, unfortunately, that's what you. have to do if you want a good sex life. It's it's it's what you do. And the. thing is, it makes me laugh because we. put effort into every other thing. You. don't like eat the same meal every. single night. You find it buy a good. cookbook and look up recipes and. experiment with different things. And no. one goes, "Oh, that's terrible. That's. so much effort. I don't want to have to. do that. I want to know how to cook a. three-course cordon bleu meal without. even looking at a cookbook.". Well, in the movies, they never do. There's no movie where they sit and talk. about sex. What did you like? Like you.

liked it when I did that. In the movies. they they come in the door and they pick. him up and they put their hands back and. they rip the dress off. You know, and then Do you know what? I'm. the worst person to watch TV with cuz I. shout at the television. Honestly, there. was a thing called Dr. Foster. Did you. watch that? Suranne Jones was in it and. there was this couple. They'd been. together 10 years. They woke up on a Sunday morning, right? Sunday morning, just woke up. She's of. course full makeup, lingerie, everything. And next minute he's like throwing her. against the wall. They're having sex.

standing up and you know, like all the I. thought, oh. for God's sake. This is a couple 10. years in. It is not happening like that. And then even me who knows that this. doesn't happen, this is not the norm. I'm like a little bit like and I always. turn to poor Miles and I say, you. realize that's not true. You realize. this is not a real and and he's sort of. you know, like sitting there going, yep, yep, I do know. Like cover your eyes. Don't have unrealistic expectations. Don't think you're missing out on this. And because it's sad because people try.

and they think that that hot sex at the. beginning should last a lifetime. And. when it goes and you think the next. person you meet is this going to last. forever. This is this one's going to. last forever. And then of course it dies. down and dies down and dies down and. you're like, damn it, I've got the wrong. person. You haven't got the wrong. person. It's because all the sex and. love hormones have stopped working. That's the only way to keep having sex. the like that. The only way to keep. having that beginning sex over and over. is to swap partners. Constantly. Constantly swap partners and you can.

have that over and over again. It is. impossible to have the type of sex you. have at the start when you're fueled by. all these chemicals. at the end of a relationship or during a. relationship. Anything over 2 years it's. very You can have satisfying sex, great. sex, exciting sex, but it's not fueled. by the same hormones. So you cannot. recreate that. And if people knew that, no matter what person you end up with, then they would stop leaving perfectly. good relationships in search of.

something that's not ever going to be. found. As you might know, this podcast is now. sponsored by the incredible Airbnb. And. Airbnb have saved me many, many times. whenever I'm working away or on business. trips or on holidays. But have you ever. thought about whether your home could be. an Airbnb when you're away on business. or on holiday? Or even just a part of. your home. Let me explain. Maybe your. roommate is moving out and you're. thinking about what to do with the extra. space. Or maybe you have a spare bedroom. that you've never used. You could Airbnb. it and make some extra cash for bills or.

to pay for anything in your life, holidays, or just for some extra money. I Airbnb'd my place previously and. honestly the process couldn't have been. easier. It's something I'd highly. recommend you all to check out. Your. extra room, that extra space you have in. your house, you might be surprised how much it's. worth. I was surprised how much it was. worth. And you can find out how much. it's worth by going to. airbnb.co.uk/host. That's airbnb.co.uk/host. Check it out. I've talked in this conversation as if. sexless relationships are unhappy.

relationships. Yes. But that is not. true, is it? No, it's not true. You can often have I. mean, people do instantly think if. they're not having sex, oh my god, you. know, divorce is coming soon. No. I. mean, you can get Sex isn't the be-all. and end-all for everybody. Lots of. people have very low sexual libidos. If. you've got two people. who have low sex drives, they have a lot. of sex at the beginning or maybe not. even that much. And then all of a sudden. it fades off. They're perfectly happy. Some people are. happy having, you know, one great. session every 6 months. That's enough.

for them. It keeps them perfectly. satisfied. So long as both of you are. like that. But what doesn't work is if. one of you is highly sex driven. In the. beginning, you know, we all worry about. compatibility. Please measure, you know, match up with somebody who has the same. sex drive as you. And I know it's. artificially inflated at the beginning, but don't commit to anything until. you're 6 months in, 8 months in, a year. in. Don't marry anyone under that. because you don't know what their sex. drive is. Wait until after a year and. then you see and it's very difficult if. you've got a massively high sex drive.

and your other one doesn't. But you can. be perfectly happy in sexless. relationships so long as both of you are. happy with that. And also, you know, they used to define a sexless. relationship as couples who had sex 10. times a year. Now plenty of couples, especially couples over 50, only have. sex 10 times a year and they were like. indignant to be described as sexless. So. now they've changed it to a sexless. relationship is one where sex hasn't. happened in a year. And that's low sex relationship to be 10.

times a year. But it's all dependent on. where you're at in life. Like if you if. you've just had babies and they're under. two, you're not going to be having a lot. of sex. If you're 18, you just got. together, you're going to be having an. awful lot of sex. You know, if your. partner if you've just gone through. menopause or perimenopause and. everything's gone to hell, you're not. going to be having sex at that period of. time. So you can't There is no one size. fits all thing. So find your normal is. what I would say. And if your normal is. no sex, so long as you have a.

conversation about it, that's fine. But. you what you cannot do. is stop sex and not talk about it. That. is really, really dangerous. You've got. to have some kind of discussion even if. that's. getting into bed one night and one of. you says, we don't have sex much. anymore. Do you Does it bother you? No, it doesn't really bother me. Good. Even if it's that. But you do need and you need to have. lots of affection, lots of You need to. make up for that. Don't stop touching. physically because when sex stops,

people often stop touching each other. because they're worried that that's. going to lead to sex and that's going to. be awkward. So keep up the effect That's. why you've got to have the chat. If you. don't have the chat, affection stops. And if affection and sex stops, then you. are in trouble. If you've got lots of affection, you're. okay so long as both of you are happy. Interesting. But you're not going to be happy if one. person doesn't want sex to stop and the. other one does. That doesn't make for a. happy relationship at all. And in that. situation, is it right to then just. leave? No, you have to chat. And the.

chat is But they say in the chat, no, I. want more sex. I don't want more sex. Then what you do? Well, then you look at exactly You sort. of go through a process. So you have the. chat. You talk about You make sure the. sex that's on offer is good sex for the. person who doesn't want it. You look at. anything around it like, you know, have. they got any childhood issues that need. dealing with? What are their, you know, why don't Do they not want to want? If. they don't want to want, then you need. to look at what happened, you know, sexual trauma. There's I mean, if the. person that doesn't want to have sex. with you is willing to look at ways to.

become more sexual, stay. Of course. stay. You know, there's always hope. Yes, there's tons of stuff you can do. You. know, you can you can take strip sex. right back to basics where you don't. have penetrative sex for a year. You. might do the sensate focus program which. is all about touching each other without. sexual intent and it might be that you. have to go almost like you got to learn. how to have sex all over again. If your. partner's willing to try, anything's possible. Definitely don't. walk out. But if your partner says, I.

don't want to have sex with you and I've. no interest in having sex. I've got no. interest in trying to, you know, bring. get back my desire and you're not. allowed to have sex either. You're not. allowed to seek it anywhere else or, you. know, apart from running off to the. office and masturbating to porn, well, what choice have you got? I mean, some. people stay. Some people stay in that. scenario because the love is very. strong. And they've got kids or. whatever, but I think that's an. incredibly selfish thing to say to a. partner. Chapter 9 of your book is that.

33% of. couples said that they rarely or never. have had sex and one quarter of those. rated themselves as being extremely. happy. That's right. Something something. like 75% of people who are denied sex. nearly all of the time stay if the love. is strong. People choose love over sex. They course they do because how often. are you having sex? Even if you're. having sex a lot, even if you're having. sex once a day, twice a day, it's still. only really for half an hour each time.

So, you know, in the proportion of the. time you spend together, you're. the love bit's more important than the. sex bit. Definitely is. Unless the sex. bit is really bad and then it tends to. poison the rest of the relationship. Do you do any sort of therapy for. couples? Do Do couples ever come to you. for. No. And. And And do individuals come to you for. advice in a professional context to get. No. No. I do friends and and friends of. friends and stuff like that. I don't. because. I lack the. skills to disassociate. Oh, okay. That's why I never became a therapist.

because I'm not very good at There are. ways to solve a problem where you can. stand outside the problem or you stand. right in the middle of it all and take. it all on and I'm the stand in the. middle person. And I And I wouldn't ever. be able to I would have no boundaries. They'd be calling me day and night. So. no, I can't do that. What are the most. common questions that people ask you. about sex? And I'd like the ones that we. don't talk about enough. So, you know, I don't know whether it's erectile. dysfunction or whether it's a.

god, erectile dysfunction for men is. Women don't appreciate how having not. being able to get an erection or, you. know, is is the biggest psychological. catastrophe Yeah. men experience. We can't fake it. No. No. I Penis envy, who wants a penis? I certainly don't. want a penis. It's all out there to see. We can fake everything. Mhm. But it's. really difficult for men and I think men. I mean, we have a problem with Viagra, by the way. Viagra is a big problem. because young men take Viagra because. they want to have the biggest, hardest. erections ever and they're worried.

They're so performance, you know, they. have so much performance anxiety cuz. they're watching too much porn and they. think that that's real. So they take. Viagra because they think just this. once, you know, I'll be I'll be I'll. just be first time I sleep with her, I. want to be really hard. And then of. course, you know, eventually you stop it. or try to and your girlfriend says, oh, this isn't you know, you're not as hard. as you normally are and suddenly you're. back on this cycle and then young women. expect that that is a normal erection. which is not. Anyone who's looked at a. Viagra-driven erection and a normal.

erection, they're completely different. And then, on the other end of it, you've. got older couples who, you know, we've. got two problems with when you get over. 50 or 60. Men have erectile dysfunction and women. have, you know, dry vaginas and very, you know, the vagina basically. atrophies. So, they've solved it for. men. Great. Take this pill and suddenly. you're like you were 18 again, but. you're still with this vagina that's not. 18, where it's going to hurt like hell. And then the man who's suddenly got the. swinging penis is like, "Well, what am I.

supposed to do with this?" And then he. goes off and cheats with somebody. because he's so happy to have this this. big rock-hard erection again. Is there a. relationship between age and infidelity? Um, I'm not sure about that. I would say. As in men cheating later more likely to. cheat later in life or I know that. middle-aged people cheat a lot because. that's when you've you've Got choices. Yeah. Yeah, you've got choices. You're. traveling. You've got money. It's. probably easy to get away with. You're. bored. You've had the kids. You know, you've started to take everything for.

granted. Um. You know, things like that make people. cheat. It's it's opportunity, temptation, and and your moral code, you. know. It's not to do with love. It is to. do with respect, though. Red flags in relationships. The most. compatible couples have compatible life. goals. Mhm. Something I've heard you say. before. Yes. I think that is really important because. it is all about it's timing is so. important. And and life goals. Say. you've got, you know, you've got the. perfect relationship now. Your. girlfriend's great. Say suddenly you.

decided, "Right, I want to go off to. Africa and work with pygmies for. 5 years. This is my life goal." You. know, what's she supposed to do? Of course it's important to have the. same goals. If you've got one person who. wants adventure and, you like to be. hiking every weekend and, you know, camping, my idea of hell, they're not going to match well with. somebody like me who wants to be in a. nice hotel and, you know, having lots of cocktails. You know what. I mean? Like, I don't mind the odd camping and hiking, but do you know what I mean? Like, you've got to have you've got to be. compatible. There's some stereotypes.

that still sort of exist and linger. around sex and men and women being, you. know, one of the ones that I was reading. about in chapter six of your book is. studies show it's it's not true men have. a higher sex drive than women. Women have a different desire for sex, which you talked about. Studies also. show it's not true that monogamy is. harder for men than it is for women. We. tend to think that men are the ones that. cheat. Mhm. Exactly. Which has never made sense. because if we just pretend the world for. a second was. do the heterosexual equation. Mhm. Every time a a man is having sex in a.

heterosexual heterosexual world, so is a. woman. So, you know, the numbers don't quite. add up. One would assert just from the. looking at the numbers that it's got to. be quite close to like 50/50 to some. degree. Yeah, of course. And also, like, if you. look at the stats on who's happiest, the. happiest people are single women and. married men. They're the two happiest groups of. people always. Single women and married. men are the happiest? are the happiest groups of people. Like, not married women. Married women like end up doing all the. jobs and, you know, married women aren't.

happier than single women. Single women are happier than married. women. And married men are really happy. because they get everything done for. them, basically. What role do do kids play in this whole. equation? Oh my god, kids, I think. really make the love part better, I. suppose, cuz you've created that thing, but they're terrible for sex. Terrible. for sex. I mean, the minute the kids. come along, you can kiss goodbye for sex. for 5 years, really. Really? freak about it and they're like, "It's. never going to come back." And it will. come back, of course it will, but, you. know, it all your energy is going to.

children. So, I think if you're going to. have kids, you've got to accept that. your sex life is going to take a. backseat. for a long, long time. Don't panic about. it. Keep having little sexual. connections that aren't necessarily. including intercourse, little bite-size. pieces of sex, and you'll be fine. But. don't kid yourself that it's not going. to change your sex life because it will. Boy, will it. Some people think that. having kids will save the relationship. no. It's so stressful. I don't I do not understand this. Every. time I see somebody with a child, you. only have to hang around children for.

about 2 seconds to realize how stressful. they are. If you've already got problems. with your relationship and suddenly. you're going to sleep deprive yourself, you're going to make have somebody. dependent on you 24 hours a day, how is. this going to make you more, you know, happier with your husband? It. doesn't even make sense to me. It might. stop people leaving because of, you. know, obligation, but who wants to be with. somebody out of obligation? You said something that um. in your work that a neuroscientist told. me on this podcast, which is that after.

the first year non-parents are generally. happier. over time than parents. Mhm. It's kind. of a controversial idea. It is a. controversial idea, but I mean, there's. a trade-off with kids. There's such a. trade-off. You can never I mean, and I. think there's a I've I'm a step-parent. My husband has a daughter. And when. we're going through hassles with Sophia, which she she's a little darling, but. also could be a little devil, let me. tell you. Um. He can sleep. I mean, sorry, I can. sleep. Miles can't sleep.

And when I and I lie there and I think, "Gosh, if I'd given birth to Sophia, if. she'd been, you know, I wouldn't be able. to sleep." There's no way that I'd be. able to sleep. It's it's you are. knowing that you're going to be worrying. for the rest of your life once you have. a kid. It's it's such a big responsibility. And. when you have that responsibility, it. mean, you know, you're not going to be. able to do you're not selfless. You. become selfless then, don't you? You. can't be selfish and have a kid. Well, you can. You can be a really bad parent. But it's different, isn't it?

It's really different. I'm sure but then. parents say, "Well, you're the one. that's missed out because you don't have. this incredible." And I have such a good. relationship with my mom and my dad and. and us three kids are all milling. around. And they're like 87 and 89. I'm. thinking no one's going to do that for. me. Who's going to do that for me? I'll. have to pay for it. Mhm. So, there is that. When I hear that. stuff, I do do wonder if it's the term. happiness is the confusing thing. because, you know, a parent might say. it's given me such a sense of purpose or. meaning. course. If you ask me in a survey on a. on a Tuesday how I'm feeling after. staying up till [ __ ] 2:00 a.m. cuz.

this kid was screaming, I'm probably. more likely to report at any given. moment to being less happy. Mhm. But if. you zoom out, there's more meaning and. purpose. One might say that to to try. and provide the counterargument. Um I. mean, how many people if you say, "What's the best thing you've ever. done?" They say having children. Yeah. Everybody says that. Yeah. And they. can't all be lying. No one says a. promotion at work or whatever else. They. say. No, they don't. So, it must be, you. know, I mean, not everybody says that, but I I do know mothers who say, "God, you know what? If I look back, maybe I. wouldn't have done this." But they're. very brave and they tell childless women.

that. They never tell a woman with a. child, by the way. Yeah, of course not. Women's libido I was reading in um in. chapter six about women's libido tends. to drop. as as as they age, whereas men's um. seems to remain fairly stable throughout. the relationship. Stable, but then they. have the, you know, women struggle with. the drop of um because menopause with. all the drop of testosterone and all. the, you know, test um estrogen, all. those things that keep your genitals in. good shape and keep your sex drive high.

Men's testosterone drops as well, but then they're struggling with. erections. So, if you're an older man and you can get. your head around that you're not going. to get erections as easily as you did. and it doesn't bother you, you're going. to be fine. Um if you're a woman and you actually, you know, get all the things that are available to. you. Take HRT if you can. Like, there's. solutions for all of this. And don't. think to yourself, "Oh, well, we're old. now. We're not going to be sexual.". You'll be fine as well, but I think. people panic, you know, when they hit a certain age. And there's this perception, you know,

like, you know, people get I did a. campaign for Replens, which is a vaginal. moisturizer, which most men blink at and and good to. see you didn't. And it was all about and. had these beautiful images of. older people kissing passionately or. naked from the back and and they were. quite old. They and they they were the. most beautiful images and so many people. were threatened by that. They were. really threatened because there was old. people doing sexual things and it we. we're not treated that. We don't see. that very often. So, when somebody does.

that, they um yeah, people freak. They don't. like to think about older people having. sex. So, when you are old, you have it. already in your head, "I'm not supposed. to want sex anymore," which is. completely untrue. And is that why you. wrote a book called Great Sex Starts at. 50? Yes, because for me, that's what. happened. I went through the whole of my. life with a high libido. I've written about sex. I thought, "This. isn't going to happen to me because I. know everything about sex, of course.". And then I hit like 50, no, actually. probably even before that, and suddenly.

I realized I remember typing away one. day and thinking, "Gosh David, I was. single at the time. I hadn't masturbated. for ages. What's going on? Haven't even. thought about sex for ages." And it's. the drop in hormones. And, you know, and. it's quite extraordinary to that whole. spontaneous desire. I had very high. spontaneous desire and suddenly it went. So, I just suddenly became like other. women, I suppose. And suddenly it was like, "Oh my god, I. see what everyone's going on about." So, I thought, "For my own sake, I might. write that book.". And it's very good writing that book.

There's a lot of solutions in there. What are some of the most important. solutions for my listeners that are. maybe experiencing a similar. situation? Again, manage expectations. Keep having sex. That whole use it or. lose it. You've got to keep having sex. That's very, very important. Um get your. head around the whole thing about that. old doesn't mean that you can't be sexy. You can be It doesn't matter what you. look like. It's what you feel like. It's. It's so many, many different things. And. also, you don't have to put I think as a. society, particularly English people, we. all put up with stuff. Like, there are.

solutions for all of these things, you. know, like. if you've got a dry vagina, go and get a. vaginal moisturizer. Go and get a, you. know, estrogen pessary. There are. solutions for everything that happens. with menopause. You don't have to sit. there and just put up with it all. because if you do, then you won't want. to have sex, definitely. So, seek all. the solutions. Don't be scared to to try. and find solutions to all these things. because they really are out there. Change your head, sir, you know. And the. women It's interesting that they did a a. big thing about what really influences.

women's desire post-menopause, and it wasn't menopause. It was your. attitude to sex. If you'd always loved. sex and you wanted sex to continue, you. can you found the solutions and you kept. on having great sex. If you were never. that keen, it's like, "Oh, actually, you. know what? Here we go, an obstacle. What. a great What a great sort of excuse to. never have sex again." So, it's attitude. was way more important to how good the. sex was after menopause, nothing to do. with menopause.

It seems again like that one of the. foundations behind all of this that's. kind of hiding in the back room when it. as it relates to people's libido and. their attitudes to sex is that kind of. childhood experiences we talked about, which is super tricky to unpack and even. become aware of. And we all have our own. childhood experiences of sex, intimacy, relationships, some cases in the worst. cases abuse, and all those things. terrible. That we need to find a way to. overcome first or address first before. we can even That's right. have a And I. mean, particularly for men, often their.

first experience childhood experience of. sex is being caught masturbating. And how the parent deals with that is. very formative because if it's like, "Absolutely, what are you doing?" You. know, like, "Do you know, it's really. filthy, it's dirty, it's like, what are. you doing?" Then they are going to. continue to masturbate because pretty. much they do, but they're going to try. and do it faster and faster and faster. So, every time they're masturbating, they're going to be trying to get it. down to as quick quick as possible time. so that they don't get in trouble again. And then they end up with rapid. ejaculation. They can last 2 seconds.

before they ejaculate. So, that's. affected their sex life in a in a purely. physical way. It sets us up in so many. different ways, our childhood, you know. And I mean, I was lucky to grow up in a. household where I don't know why our. household was like that, but we just. talked about sex openly. I suppose my. sister worked for family planning, which. helped, but that was later. So, I don't. know, my mom and my dad were really cool. talking about sex and things. And so, I. grew up thinking, "Oh, yeah, all. households are like that." But they're. not. It's an unknown unknown. So, how do. you go about even solving for those. things? I guess you have to go to.

therapy and start unpacking it. Yeah, or. just unpack it yourself. You have to. just think about You don't necessarily. have to go to therapy. There's so much I. mean, the joy of the internet is there's. so much online that you can do. If you. typed in, you know, "I don't like sex as. my parents you know, taught me." There's. There's a book called Sexmart which is. very good about childhoods. Sex? Sexmart, it's called. Sexmart. Yeah. You can still buy It's an old. book, but it it sort of delves into all. of this. And yeah, I mean, I think I'm. so pro-therapy. I think everybody should. go to therapy. No one has a perfect. childhood. And in fact, having a perfect.

childhood can also set you up for. things. So, you know, if we if we have a problem if. you have a problem with sex, you know, going to see a really good sex therapist. is could sort it out very quickly. So, don't leave it too late. God, I work out and I can't even pick. all these books up. This isn't even all the books, is it? No. So, you've got relationships, how to. have one, great sex starts at 50, Sex. Doctor Fix Your Love Life Fast, Hot Sex, How How to Do It, We've Got Dare. Ooh,

that. That hard to see? Ooh, that looks very. uh 50 Shades. It does a bit. More hot. More hot sex. Okay. Would um Would Like to Meet Yeah, that. was the TV show I did about dating, yeah. Oh, yes, okay. That's what I did with that. You There's There's a question there I. should ask cuz I'm thinking again about. a friend that just popped to mind. Is there something going on with male. and female dating in terms of it it. becoming more difficult in the modern. day and age? There's some stats that one. of my podcast guest shared about how.

women are um. having less children and they're finding. it more difficult to date and to find a. compatible male in the modern way that. society is designed. Mhm. And I've got friends that are. uh you know, around that sort of. mid-late 30s range that are really. really really struggling in the modern. world. It's almost I almost. Men or women? or both. Right, yeah. I almost suspect. that um. I actually don't have that many friends. that are in that that region that aren't. um but it's almost like there's a. generation almost caught in a gap where.

you're Gen Z native to social media, the. internet, you know, that's the where. they grew up. And then maybe the older. generation already already partnered off. because, you know, they met someone at. church or And then you got. this generation who are caught in the. gap. all high-achieving women? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. That's the problem. So, what. happens is you get And this is why there. are more and more single women now. because more and more women are. high-achieving. So, they're not like. looking for a husband straight away. And when you've got a big gene pool of. people to you know, like you When you. come out of uni or even before you go.

into uni cuz lots of people meet at uni. and stay together. You've got this big, you know, like numbers game. You've got. loads of women single, loads of men. single, and you sort of all hook up. And. if your motivation is to get married and. have kids, and that's your only. motivation, you're going to find a. partner early, and that's it. You job. done, keep going, right? Assuming it all. goes well. But if your motivation isn't. necessarily that, if you want to go on. to university, you know, get your career. sorted, and then turn around and have. kids like at 30, okay, right now, achieved, I'm at the past, you know,

where I want to have kids, but and I can. take a bit of a break here, and and then. suddenly, where is he? Well, he's not. there because he's already been taken up. everybody else. And men traditionally. don't like dating high-achieving women. unless they're high-achieving. themselves. And the amount of. high-achieving women is getting higher, and the amount of high-achieving men is. getting lower. So, you've got even less. of a pool to choose from. So, the answer. for the women is to think outside the. square and think, "Right, okay, do I. really need the guy who's got the.

degree?" Cuz women high-achieving women. like to go for high-achieving men. Is. that statistically It's just generally. what happens, isn't it? You sort of If. I've got a degree, I want somebody else. who's got a degree. So, then you have to. change your wish list a little bit and. think, "Okay, I'm going to, you know, look in a I'm. I'm not going to be as rigid with my you. know, must-haves, and perhaps, you know, think about things like, "Well, does it. really matter how much he earns if I'm. already earning lots of money? You know, isn't kindness, you know, generosity, sense of humor,

attractiveness, you know, just general. chemistry, isn't that isn't that. enough?" So, if you go for those. qualities, you end up a lot better off. And you'll end up happier as well. Is. that against our innate wiring? Because, you know, some people sometimes say that. men care less about the financial. resources of their partner. Mhm. Um So, does that kind of go For me, if I'm a if. I'm a woman and I'm looking for. uh. a partner, am I going to look for. someone who is kind of up into the.

right? Probably. But that doesn't necessarily. work. See, for me that didn't work. because if I'm I'm like very alpha. female. So, whenever I went out with an. alpha male, we were just like. Right. hated each other. So, I'm the boss. No, I'm the boss. No, [ __ ] off now, I'm. controlling you. No, you know. No, it. didn't work at all. Didn't work at all. Very competitive. I'm too competitive. They were too competitive. That didn't. work. So, so. I've got I mean, my partner is really. proud of me. He's not at all um.

Threatened. It's threatened in the slightest by any. success any success I've had. He's my. biggest proudest supporter. He And And. we work differently. Like, you know, if. if my thing is to, you know, um. if you know, I make more money than him, he doesn't mind me saying that cuz he's. he's fine with it. And so, if I've got. more money, that's great. So, therefore, you know, if he's got more time than me. to do the traditional female things, then he's fine with that. And then. sometimes other times I'll do it, and.

you know, he assumes the male role. So, it's very um you know, we're comfortable. with each other. We We, you know, we. don't care care that I tick the male. boxes in some roles, and he ticks the. female boxes, and it works very well. And I think you have to I think that's. hopefully where we're headed. But there. is There are sometimes where I mean, I. know I know I'm not typical with. females. I know that a lot of women, you. know, won't go out with a man unless he. makes a lot of money, particularly if. they make a lot of money. They won't.

I've never been like that. I've never. been get their money. It's make my If I. want money, I'll make it myself, thanks. I don't want to have someone else's. money. That's not mine. So, I do think. it's a big problem for women and men. I. think we both have to especially women. have to stop being so rigid with that. You know, and how expect the man to. provide. I think men have to stop being. so feeling emasculated if it if it's the. woman who's earning more. So, what? Who. cares? As long as someone's got some. money somewhere along the line, who. cares which one? If you're in that age range between say.

30 and 40, and you're a woman, and. you're single, and you don't want to be. single. I think that's important to say. You don't want to be single. You want to. have a you know, you want to meet a. partner. You want to have a family, whatever it might be. What advice would you give to that. person? I'm thinking now about my a. series of my close um. friends that are women that are single. in that range and that have expressed. that they they don't want to be single. Um but they're struggling for all the. reasons you said, super high-achieving, um you know, they're they've got great. careers. They're very very busy because.

of that as well. They've you know, Yeah, that was the issue, isn't it? It's um. I mean, I was talking about Helen Gurley. Brown, the Cosmo founder, and she always. said, "You can have it all.". And that's the biggest lie women have. been sold. You can't have it all. There. is something that gives. And And these. high-achievers, yeah, they have. compromised their chances of finding a. partner by putting all into their. career. You can't have it all. And I did. that. I mean, it took me to 50. I had. lots of relationships. It took me to 50. to find somebody that was I was.

compatible with. It's not easy. It's. really really difficult. And I was out. there meeting tons of people. So, first. accept that it's nothing to do with you. Doesn't mean that you're not attractive. or anything. You're probably less. marketable because you're too. intelligent, and some men will be. freaked by that. And you're too. successful, and some men will be freaked. by that. They don't know what to do with. you and they it makes them feel bad. because they're going to those. traditional patterns like how she's not. going to go out with me. You know, I'm. not as successful as her so I'm not even. going to try. So you have to make the approach number. one.

Um change your wish list to become. qualities, personality qualities, not. you know, must be a certain height, must. be a certain income, must drive this. car, must you know, all those sort of. things cuz they really don't matter. And um and also date outside of type. Like go out with people. Look beyond the. exterior. See what's inside. Like. I think they'll be very quick to go, "Oh, I know. I can't go out with that. person." You know, like go on a couple. of dates. Even if the first date's a. disaster. Go on two or three dates. Go on at least. three with people. You know,

go out all the time. Often these women. are so busy. It's like, "Well, when do. you when do you actually go out to. actually put yourself in a situation. where you can meet someone?". Never. They're not going to walk in your lounge. room, are they? Unless you sort of order. delivery. They're really not. So come on. You've. got to make some effort here. You've got. to do the numbers game and I don't know. whether that dating apps are the right. way forward, but they're probably the. only way it's the way that most people. meet. So you kind of have to just suck. it up and get on there. I think. I think that's phenomenal advice. I was.

really really happy you said that as. well because you know, I know. certain friends of mine are going to be. listening. Um They'll hate me for it. No, I don't think so. I think it's an. it's it's an opinion. It's one that. makes um sense and I think that's all. that anyone can deliver on this podcast. and that's that's why I like it. It's. and it's actually matches the opinion I. had from a man previously on this. podcast who received quite a. um when a man says those kinds of. things, I don't think it's received as. well necessarily because they're. speaking from a place of like they don't. have the lived experience and there's a.

lot of like gender inequality things. that are you know, historical things. with men and. um the term one of my previous guest. used to describe it was um tall girl. problem. The You see what I mean? It's not a good. It's not necessarily the most um. You could also say Yeah, you could say. small man problem. Yeah, exactly. It's the same thing, you know. This is. an interesting question. It's probably. the question I should have started with. What is sex? Well, sex certainly isn't intercourse. And people need to stop thinking of sex. as intercourse.

Sex is any type of. any type of. feeling, word, thought that makes you. feel aroused. That's how I describe sex. And what what purpose is it solving? Why. does it exist? To create other human. beings. This is why, you know, our going. right back to the beginning, this whole. thing that we have that, you know, why. can't we have the sex at the beginning. all the way through? Because it doesn't. suit. It wouldn't work. If you were have. so in, you know, lust-driven and all you. wanted to do was shag like rabbits, you.

would never get anything else done. You. certainly wouldn't have children. You. certainly wouldn't have a job. So we are. designed to keep the world in a safe. place. We go through lust and. infatuation, romance, attachment for a. reason. So that we calm down. We don't. have the hot sex and we keep the world, you know, we bring up our children in a. sensible way and the world continues. What does that say about monogamy. though? Because if That's probably not. natural. That's what I was going to say. Because. if my sex drive is deteriorating to any.

degree, one would suggest that's. encouraging me to go. shag someone else. Well, it is, but you. don't because you love your partner. So. you It's a trade-off. It's always a. trade-off. You can have the love and the. contentment and the companionship. And. this is why older, you know, you asked. about um infidelity statistics. Older. people don't cheat very much who are in. good relationships because they're not. having that drive. That that lust is. gone. You know, your your sex drive is. lower as you get older. And it's the trade-off. It's like, "Yeah, I could go out and cheat and have.

really hot sex, but I'm going to have to. look my partner in the eye and I really. love my partner. So I'm going to I'm. happy to wave goodbye to that hot sex. I've had enough of it in my life." So it. depends on your motivation. So if you. are driven by sex, then just don't. settle down. Keep swapping partners and. get that out of your system and then. you're not going to be dishonest to. anyone. But if you do want a. relationship, sometimes you have to go, "Okay, we can have great sex. It's not. going to be. like the sex that you have at the. beginning, but you know what? I've got. two kids. I've got a great wife. I've. got, you know, it's a trade-off in life,

isn't it? Everything's a trade-off. So. you don't think monogamy is um natural? I think that for sex, no. I think for sex, no. It's absolutely. not. For our sex drive, it's the worst. thing is to give someone security and, you know, predictability and stuff and. the same person over and over. No. Not. for our sex drive. But the problem is is that the. alternative is polyamory, right? So you. have this one love relationship and then. you seek sex elsewhere. Now in theory, that really appeals to me. I can see.

that that would be great, right? But I'm. never going to I'm not going to feel. comfortable waving off my husband. Bye, darling. You have a great time. You. know, don't worry about what time you. get back. No way. I He's my You know, it's possession, isn't it? It's. ownership. It's sexual ownership. You. know, I You're not going to You might. want to do it yourself, but you're not. going to send your partner off and they. might want to do it themselves, but. they're not going to send you off. So I. don't know what the solution is. I. really don't. Well, as you said, in life you can't. have it all. So everything is. trade-offs. And that's another trade-off where I'm. sure some people would love to be able.

to have sex with other people, but they. wouldn't be able they wouldn't want to. reciprocate that. Exactly. To their partner. We have a closing tradition on this. podcast where the last guest leaves a. question for the next guest not knowing. who they're leaving it for. And the question that's been left for. you, okay. When you are near the end of your life. and looking back over it, what will you be proudest of. and what will you regret the most? Gosh. Um.

proudest of my career and having helped. people. I'm one of the really annoying people. when you're in a in dinner party who's. just knew what they wanted to do really. early on with the writing and then that. happened very early with my parents. Um. so I'm really proud of that. My first. book, I was so excited. I literally You. know that when you just jump on the. spot? I was literally jumping on the. spot. I don't really do regrets. actually. I don't really do regrets. Maybe I wish that I was more or had been. more confident. I'm confident on the. outside, but not on the inside. I'm the.

most confident unconfident person you'll. ever meet. So and probably realized that. no one's looking at you. They're too. busy worrying about themselves. I wish. I'd sort of calmed down a bit and was. more confident. What's the symptoms of. that inner lack of confidence? Um. insecurity. Like going away and like every, you. know, the first time I listen to this. for instance, it'll be like, "Oh my god, I was terrible. Look at me. Look at the. way I look. Look at Oh my god, why.

didn't I do something else with my. hands? What you know, like I'll go. through it." Then then I'll go, "Don't. be silly." And then I'll listen to it. and then I'll have an okay opinion about. it, but yeah, there's still that little. bit there. Any idea where that's come. from? Yeah, parents. When you're left on your own and feel. abandoned at the age of 15, it's not. great, is it? And then all these small things are. a potential abandonment. Uh maybe people. don't think I don't get on with me. Maybe they don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny. I'm confident of. I'm confident of my abilities um.

professionally. I'm confident that I'm intelligent. Um I. don't know. I suppose Yeah, you never. really I mean, I remember when I studied. psychology and the and the guy just got. up there and said, he was a great. lecturer and he said it's all about your. childhood. And we all just rolled our. eyes and went, "Oh, for god's sake. It's. so like How ridiculous. It's not. It's. not." And it is. It really is. Like I'm. still that 15-year-old girl that stood. there terrified. You know, this she's. still there. And um yeah, so it's interesting. But I.

put on a good show. Like everybody. You certainly do put on a good show. Thank you so much, Tracey. Um. You've given me so much answered so many. of my questions and I I know for for. sure for sure people are going to tell. you. I'm sure they're going to message. you, but for sure for sure I can say on. behalf of all of the people that have. listened, you've helped them Oh, I hope. so. Thank you. And I think everybody will take away. something different from that, which is. so incredible. I'm going to do something I've never. done before because I really want to. illustrate how I believe you've helped. people. The previous guest that left you.

a question. and you know, I don't usually tell. people this, is a guy called Robert. Waldinger and what he has committed his. life to is something called the Harvard. Study of Well-being. I'm going to call. it that. I know I've got one one word. they're wrong. Right? Going to call it. the Harvard Study of Well-being, which. is the longest ever study done on a. group of people to understand what makes. people fundamentally happy happy at the. most basic level. So they followed. people for almost 90 years, the same. group of people. Even, you know, the. founders of the study have actually.

died. So they've passed the study on to. Robert. And at the very heart of what. they found on the study, which ended up. being a TED Talk, which has done 45. million views. It's the most one of the. most listened TED TED Talks of all time, is that the thing that makes us most. happy in life. and also healthiest in terms of an. insulation from stress is relationships. It's number one. Men that have positive. romantic relationships um. live 14 years longer. Women 7 years. longer. That's right. And one of the things that ends ends. great relationships and leads us to. isolation and loneliness is.

sexual issues. Mhm. I see it in all of. my friends. And the work you're doing is. therefore um. in its very essence helping people to to. solve the most important problem of all, which is connection, relationships. So. it's incredible work to be doing and. it's work that not a lot of people will. want to do and confront because of the. stigmas and taboos that still remain. So. thank you so much, Tracey. Thank you. Thank you for being so wonderful. compliment. You're captivating. No, you really are. You're really really. captivating and you're super smart and. you know your stuff and you've looked at. all the research. Um you really are the.

the best at this. So thank you for being. here. Thank you for helping me. You. have. Um and thank you for helping all. of our wonderful listeners. Thank you. I'm going to walk away very confident. now. Thank you. Awesome. And you look amazing, by the. way. Your dress is fantastic. Everything. about you is fantastic. So, yeah. Thank. you. You know, I never really usually pick. the chocolate flavored Huel's. My. favorite are the banana flavor, I love. the salted caramel flavor, but recently, I think I in part blame Jack in my team, who's obsessed with the chocolate flavor.

Huel's, I've started drinking the. chocolate flavor Huel's for the first. time, and I absolutely love them. My. life means that I sometimes disregard my. diet, and it's funny, that's part of the. reason why I've had a lot of guests on. this podcast recently that talk about. diet and health and and those kinds of. things. Because I am trying to make an. active effort to be more healthy, to. lose a little bit of weight as well, but. to be more healthy. And the role that. Huel plays in my life is it means that. in those moments where sometimes I might. reach for, you know, junk foods, having an option that is nutritionally. complete, that is high in fiber, that is.

incredibly high in protein, that has all. the vitamins and minerals that my body. needs, within arms reach, that I can. consume on the go, is where Huel has. been a game-changer for me. You got to. the end of this podcast. Whenever. someone gets to the end of this podcast, I feel like I owe them a greater debt of. gratitude, because that means you. listened to the whole thing. And. hopefully that suggests that you enjoyed. it. If you are at the end, and you. enjoyed this podcast, could you do me a. little bit of a favor and hit that. subscribe button? That's one of the. clearest indicators we have that this. episode was a good episode, and we look. at that on all of the episodes to see.

which episodes generated the most. subscribers. Thank you so much, and I'll see you. again next time.