The Gaslighting Expert Jefferson Fisher: If They Do This, You're Being Manipulated!

What are the five most important things. for anyone who's striving to be a. masterful communicator to get what they. want out of life? The first is. authenticity. >> And presence is the highest form of. authenticity. >> Okay, on that point, I'm going to play. this video on the screen that went viral. of Miley Cyrus and Naomi Campbell. >> I haven't seen that. That's painful to watch. Number two, reduce the amount of distraction. Three, stop over explain. Number four, know how. to deal with their sadness. And I'll go. through all of these in detail. But.

number five is you have to know how to. handle the narcissist and the. gaslighter. What do I do? Let me show. you. First, you need to Bam. Yeah, for a. lot of people that kind of blows their. mind. Jefferson Fisher is back and the. board certified trial lawyer is using. his expertise in conflict resolution and. communication to teach couples, friends, employees, and everyone in between how. to master difficult conversations. Here's the truth, you have to invest in. your communication. If I don't say what. needs [music] to be said at work, I'll.

lose that promotion. Same thing in. relationships. Most relationships don't. fall apart because they fell out of. love. They fell out of communication. because of a hundred moments where. repair could have happened and it. didn't. Because you said, "Ah, this is. so stupid. This is so small." Like. there's a recent study showing that the. biggest predictor of the child's. well-being within the parental. relationship is not whether they were. married or divorced. It was how they. deal with conflict. But people are. definitely afraid of the conflict that. they're in cuz they don't know what to. say. And so I want to help them feel. controlled in this, feel confident in. this. And it's knowing things like being.

right is overrated. Or if I respond. first with frustration, I'm going to. lose every time. Or if you want to know. how to handle the insults, the. patronizing, the dismissive, first thing. you have to do is. That's the mistake I've made multiple. times. I see messages all the time in the. comment section that some of you didn't. realize you didn't subscribe. So if you. could do me a favor and double check if. you're a subscriber to this channel, that would be tremendously appreciated. It's the simple, it's the free thing. that anybody that watches this very.

frequently can do to help us here to. keep everything going in this show in. the trajectory it's on. So please do. double check if you subscribed and thank. you so much because in a strange way you. are you're part of our history and. you're on this journey with us and I. appreciate you for that. So yeah, thank. you. >> [music]. [singing]. >> Jefferson Fisher. What do you do professionally? What is your How do you sort of. characterize your profession? Well, I'm a trial attorney by trade. What does that mean? It means I help clients with legal.

needs. I'm board certified in personal. injury. So when people get hurt, I. have trials. So I That means there are. other attorneys that don't ever go to a. courtroom. I go into a courtroom. >> And you stand before a judge. And a. bailiff. Yeah, you have a judge, have a. jury, have a court reporter, a bailiff, have opposing attorneys. There are. people in the room. And you try and. convince those people of your point of. view to get a particular outcome. I. advocate my client's facts in order to. get the result that they want. So why.

did you think it was important to write. a book about conversation, talking, getting what you want from. the conversations we have with people we. care about? Because I have seen time and time again. that. when I am training a client is what I. call. I'm preparing them for. cross-examination, for deposition, they. really don't know how to engage in. conflict. And so. I can't think of any other profession. that is more entrenched in conflict. maybe outside of a a boxer or some, you.

know, UFC something that deals with. actual conflict and sits there and. listens to it all than in the legal. world and a trial attorney. And so yeah, it's my job to advocate based on my. client's facts to. to get them the result that they want. The reason why I wrote that book and how. that book applies is I took a lot of the. lessons that I teach every one of my. clients and put them in that book. because I'm sitting there preparing them. for cross-examination and realizing, "Oh. wait, they are deathly afraid of the.

conflict that they're in." Cuz most of. the time. it's the most. emotional, stressful, overwhelmed they. are ever in their life. They've They're. in a place they've never been. They. don't know what it's like. They've only. seen it on TV. And so it's my job to. kind of take their hand and say, "This. is how we're going to. This is how we're going to do it." And. how does that apply to the average. person in their life? People think that. the goal of any argument or any. conversation is to win.

And same for a trial. They say you want. to win a trial. I've seen it so many. times where I've gotten the result that. they want and I've. and realized they still have the. problem. They still wanted the apology. I It all would have been resolved. There'd be no case if somebody had just. said, "I'm sorry.". Yeah, and so you find that. for the everyday person. it's my job now and and passion to be. able to help them. get into conflict and say, "I feel. controlled in this. I feel confident in.

this. Now I know exactly where I'm going. in this because I've been there before.". And it is not. a skill that comes naturally. It is a. skill that is learned. And what do you think is the. the sort of variance in outcome? How. would my life change if I became an. absolute master in this? You know, if if I started from zero in. this regard and then I became a master. in dealing with conflict and dealing. with difficult people and dealing with. people that gaslight me and dealing with. narcissists and all these kinds of. things.

Why would my life be different? And and. in what domains? It's quite a lot. Yeah. First would be. you would be equipped for. outside of necessary expertise anywhere. you wanted to be in life. People will feel like communication is. zero cost. It costs you something. If. I'm not speaking up in that relationship. it costs my own sense of worth. If I. don't say what needs to be said at work, I might have lost that promotion. I I I.

everything The bill always comes due. If. you can think of every time you didn't. say the thing. as like a receipt at a restaurant. Every. time it's. it's a bill of what I am not putting. into my life because I chose to either. say something or not say something at. the right time. And when you realize. that if I can speak with confidence. well, that's me gaining a little bit. more. If if I can say things with. control, that's me gaining just a little. bit more. A second benefit of it is that.

you realize. being right is overrated. You can If you tell me the sky is purple. knock yourself out, Stephen. It doesn't. have to touch anything with me on on who. I am or any of my opinions. We're we're. opinion-making machines. I feel That's. all on social media. It's just be set up. to give your opinion on things that most. of the time will rarely ever touch you. And if you can have the peace of mind of. knowing. I don't need to agree with you to.

understand you. If you have an opinion, I don't have to. give one back. If you say something. I can choose not to say anything at all. And for a lot of people that kind of. blows their mind of You mean I don't. have to respond? No, you don't have to. re-say anything. If somebody's talking. really fast, you can talk really slow. They forget that you have full autonomy. in it. And when you realize that it's. you who's taking the wheel you take the. wheel of your life.

But what about justice? Jefferson. Yeah. Do you know justice? Like this person. has wronged me, they've said something. wrong, they've I don't know, they. tweeted at me something which is. incorrect. I need to correct the record. Justice. I think we all have a sort of. an innate sense of. justice. We want things to be fair and. right. Yes. Justice is an inherent value. that is high priority for a lot of. people for good reason. You might say, "Well, they've they've wronged me. This. isn't right.".

That's all well and good. The question. is going to be how long do you want to. carry it? How long do you want to carry that. feeling? Because I can either choose to. let it go. I can choose to say the. thing. It's it's not at all my position that. you should be stepping on eggshells and. not say the thing and and be a. wallflower. No, it's the opposite. I'm. saying you you say what you need to say. in a way that is controlled, in a way. that is signaling. I don't I'm saying this because it needs. to be said but not because I have to say.

it. There's a lot of people who feel like, "Well, something needs to be said." But. am I. Maybe you're not the one to say it. Maybe you you're the one that needs to. I mean, it doesn't need to be said right. now because if they're not willing to. listen, well then what good does it ever. do? What I like to say is. you know. for you to learn how to stand up for. yourself, you first have to learn who's. worth getting out of your chair for. Yeah, I'm not going to be. making big moves for something that is.

not at all worth my my time. So yeah, justice is absolutely worth it. But when. you go. I'm the one that has to be carrying. this. A lot of times people do things to you. and it's nothing to them. But yet it's everything to you. And now. you just you're walking around for 20. years with a comment that you could have. said something way long ago and decided. to drop it. But you you chose to to. carry it. And now you're the only one. that has to the weight of that. If I'm. dealing with someone who's in a position. of power.

someone who's a I don't know, a senior. to me at my company or even someone who. in my social group is a bit more higher. up in the sort of social pecking order. and they're continually putting me down. or being difficult or even a partner. that I'm romantically involved in. What. are the hallmarks of someone who has. control of over their communication and. what are the hallmarks of someone that. doesn't? Like what is it that makes Cuz. when you speak, it's very feels very. composed and controlled. What are you. intentionally doing to achieve that. effect? I'm wanting you to match my rhythm.

I'm wanting you to come to my frequency. People get it wrong when they go big. time to an 11, a big emotional reaction. If I have a big emotional outburst, am I. signaling that I'm somebody who's. trustworthy, reliable, and confident? Or. am I signaling that I am. out of my depth, I don't know what I. want, and I am. not to be believed. All right, because. it's when you have an emotional. outburst, everybody thinks this is. you're just being emotional. And they. don't All of a sudden, you're not.

credited for the truth of what you're. saying. So, sometimes emotions can get. in the way of what needs to be said. because of how you're delivering it. So, when I say. I'm going to talk to you in a way that's. going to sound more controlled, it's I'm. slowing down my words, I'm lowering my. volume. Why? Because I want to pull you. down here. And if I can pull you down here, well, then we can talk about a lot harder. things rather than feeling like I have. to to rush. So, if you want to talk to. somebody in your relationship or.

somebody that's kind of higher up on the. pecking order, so to speak, when you can. show them that. change doesn't bother you, when you can. show them that. you don't have to rush through this. situation, people feel that you are giving them a. sense of comfort. In other words, in. conversation, everybody is looking for. an anchor. When you go to a meeting, we listen to. the person who's the anchor. They're. usually the person who says a lot less.

The person who's observing and listening. rather than always giving their opinion. about what you should be doing. Those are the people you don't listen. to. As soon as you as if you've ever. heard somebody say, "You know what I. think you should do." Does that ever. make you want to do what they said? No, it's because they they've made it their. idea. Now they're telling you what to. do. If I were to say to you, "You can't. do that.". What's the first thing you think of? Yes, I can. You know, it's it's the same kind of. concept where it's me lowering. to be the anchor in the conversation.

And when you're in a. case in front of a judge, is is there. anything else that you're intentionally. thinking about with I don't know, your. body language or the eye contact or any. of these other things that you've. learned over time are really important. to get your message heard? I'm speaking like I've been there. before. Explain that to me. Walk into a. room like you've been there before. As if everybody else is just visiting. So, what I do before every trial. is I will go in there before the jury. comes in, the judge comes in, everybody.

comes in. And I say to myself, "This is my living room, and everybody. else is just visiting.". And so, I will touch the chairs. I will. put my hands on the banisters. I will. walk around. I will fill that space. and and feel it in a way of saying, "I. am have been here before.". And when I can exude that kind of. confidence, that every juror that. watches. all of a sudden it calms them down. They. go, "Who can I rely on here? Who's more. trustworthy? Who's more credible?".

Because that's what it is. When you're. when you're. persuading, when you are advocating your. case, it's who ultimately comes down to. who is more credible. And so, when I can. not get emotionally flustered. Like I've. seen it so many times where. a judge rules against me. And. I act as though that's exactly what I. wanted. You know, I I am I'm acting as though, "Thank you, Judge." And the the jury's.

never going to know really any. different. But I've seen on other. attorneys where the judge rules against. them and they go. >> [sighs]. >> or they roll their eyes, or they act. frustrated. And what does the juror. think? "Oh, they must not have wanted me. to hear this information. Oh, this must have been bad for their. case." So, if you are always reacting to. situations in which you have to be. emotional with in a sense that you're. not paying attention to who's. watching you. Okay, so on that point. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, when you say rules.

against you, you mean during the trial. there's something you request, the judge. might say no, and you say thank you, Judge. Yeah. >> You act as if you're not defeated. You. act as though that's exactly what you. expected. All right, it's it's the whole idea of. that's not going to shake shake me. So, a lot of the times you'll see in real. court, not TV, uh the judge will say, "Counsel, can you. approach?" And both attorneys come up. and they play some kind of noise. cancellation to where only the the. attorneys can hear the judge. And the. judge is making a decision at that time.

that we don't want to hear to let the. jury know. Why? Because it's information. that might sway the case in some way and. not be as objective. And you have to pay attention to who's. how the attorneys are walking away after. that meeting's done. If somebody looks. defeated, it just signals, "Oh, this is. information that they must not want." Or. they're objecting. I've seen so many cases where. there's one attorney who objects to. everything. It's my rule if I really want to have. one objection. the whole trial.

Because to the jury, an objection is me. keeping evidence out. So, if you always. object, always object, always object, you're just signaling there's. information I don't want you to hear. But if I have the confidence of knowing. there's really one objection I know. that's going to be material to my case, the way they know I've been there. before. This is not something that's. going to be making or breaking my case. It's it's all of credibility. If they. don't trust me, they're not going to trust my client or. my client's case. I think also it.

illuminates to me how much of. communication is nonverbal because in. that example you're just talking about. how they're watching your body language. and how you've received something. Right. >> And there, you know, if you were. defensive, you know, with all those. objections, or if you were defeated in. the. judge's ruling, Mhm. that would work. against you even though it's really. nothing was said, like nothing. significant was said. Yeah, it's it's a balance of knowing. am I going to. choose to react because of personal ego.

if I didn't get my way, or am I having the better mindset of I'm. advocating on behalf of my client. Like. I I've been Let's say you're a witness. and you're opposed to me, and I'm asking. you a question. And I think you said. something that's contrary contrary to. the evidence that I have right here. Rather than me getting messed up saying, "Are you Are you sure about that, Mr. Barlow? Let me go You know, I have this. piece of paper here." And I get really. worked up versus me putting You said. something and I put my hand on the the. paper. I said,

"You sure?". Like all of a sudden it's a moment of. it kind of peaks their interest of like, "What's happening? Oh, this attorney. knows. This attorney is somebody who's. confident. and has this what I call in the pocket. presence. I'm not trying to be too. forward. I'm not trying to be too back. I'm just in the pocket like a a jazz. band. Like everybody is on everybody's. on beat. And so, I'm not I'm not. rushing. I'm not slowing down. I'm just. right in the pocket. In the pocket. Is. that what people call aura?

Swagger? Maybe it's some people call it. Yeah, aura. It you you could have it for. anything in any context. I like to say. in the pocket cuz it just reminds me of. the right timing is my timing. And that. is I'm I'm going to match. how I need to be of what's most. authentic, what's most genuine to me. If. you were to ask me to read something. really fast, it wouldn't sound that. great because that's not that's not my. personality. And so, if I know that I am acting and. speaking in accordance with the values.

that I hold, and I'm saying everybody. here is just is just visiting. This is. I've been here before. Let me Y'all. don't know where to go? Let me show you. And I I have that kind of mentality, people will listen to you forever. They'll they'll find that attractive. saying, "How does this person know where. they're going? Well, I can I can follow. them." It's just it's natural leadership. to speak in a way that says I know where. I've I'm going. I've been here before. I. think that's probably good advice for. people who have important meetings or.

are going on dates. Yeah. To maybe get. there ahead of time and familiarize. yourself with the location. Yes. Just so. you, you know, you don't have the added. anxiety of like stumbling through the. physical environment Right. like looking. for the thing or trying to find the. toilet or Exactly. I don't know, trying. to figure out how to make the PowerPoint. presentation air drop onto the screen. and all those kinds of things which. we've all seen before. Yeah. I always. anytime I go to speak, um I I spoke this. past week uh in Santa Barbara. I went ahead of time before my speaking.

time to to go I want to see what the. room looks like. I want to see. how how can I touch and say hi to the. people that are working AV? How can I. meet them? How can I If you really want. to be better as a professional speaker, talk to people in the crowd before you. speak. Mhm. Get to know people's names. It's going to naturally lower you. Get. to know their names. Ask them why. they're here. Say, "I'm so thankful that. you're here. I'm really looking forward. to the message and getting to talk to. you today." When you when you can go in. and touch people, it's a different sense than if I'm going.

into a room totally. cold cuz you don't really have the vibe. You don't really know how that is. So, yeah, going into a restaurant ahead of. time, that's great. Not bringing your phone, even better. You know, getting able to. be a sense of knowing. I I've been here before. I want to. welcome you to to my space. When we talk about people that have. aura, you must have met a lot of people. in your career and your life generally. that you felt had a sense of aura. Yes. What was it about them. that gave them that aura?

What is it? It's a frequency of. peace. for me. I think of people and you think of. people in your life. who you have felt most. comfortable with. The person you feel. like I I can just be myself. I can. finally let everything down. And for me. it was my my grandparents' house. As soon as I walk in, it's a different. feeling of time kind of stands still.

They want to know about me. They want to. know how I'm. doing. They It's It's that feeling. I. could talk about people who seem like. they have aura and they just have a a. glow about them. It's usually of. They're not trying to prove anything to. anybody. They just naturally exude that. kind of charisma because. the security of knowing who they are. and what they can do. And I guess what What's the opposite of. that then? Sometimes it's easier to. understand something by understanding.

the opposite. What would that look like? I would say that. authentic people. authentic aura, as you said, doesn't come from people. securing themselves to you. That's for insecure people. The people who are authentic know that. I am good exactly where I'm at. Oh, you. want to rush? I'm I'm really no rush. I'm What happens today happens today. Is. it really due today or could it be done.

tomorrow if I I had to? If it's a slower. pace, I I find that. there is so much kind of what they call. cowboy wisdom on these kind of things. where. and I'm from Texas in the South, so it's. it's kind of this. knowing that the right time will come. when that time is right. And not having to push that. So, if you. want to look at the opposite, it's the. it's The opposite of aura is. insecure. It's name-dropping. It's.

having to be friends immediately. It's. having to. prove to you how much money I have or. what. It's everything else. being everything to everybody else. except myself. Like, people who have a sense of style, their own sense of style, naturally have an aura. Why? Because. they don't care what in the world. anybody else is wearing. This is what I. like. My daughter, all right, she's 6. We tried setting out clothes. Forget [snorts] it. She She can come.

down in. a leopard print tutu and her sunglasses. and whatever she wants. And you know. what? She thinks she's the flyest thing. in the world. I mean, that's. I never want to take that out of her. The people who have a sense of fashion, the sense of who I am, and it they didn't have to look cool to. anybody's social standard, but it's. Do they really care what anybody else. thinks? Usually people with aura do not. And sometimes when you come up against I. mean, we were talking before we started.

recording about since of this book's. publication, what have been people saying to you? And. what have the chapters um What are the. chapters that have stood out the most to. people? And you mentioned that it tends. to be things around dealing with. difficult conversations, dealing with. difficult people. All right. >> And one of the phrases that's been. arguably overused a lot in society is. this phrase gaslighting. Yeah. And the definition of gaslighting. that I managed to pull was gaslighting. is psychological manipulation where one. person purposefully lies or manipulates. the other to make them doubt their own.

reality, memory, or sanity. Mhm. Do. people talk to you about gaslighting a. lot. Yes. >> now that you've written this book? Yes. And what do you think gaslighting is? It. It's one of those things that's been. used so often that we almost have to. like pause for a second just to define. it again. Yes. Let me put it this way. The difference between. gaslighting and lying. Lying is a surface level of. Mhm. I could tell you instead of having a. silver cup, this is a red cup. Well,

that would be a lie. Gaslighting is I'm trying to alter your. reality into mine. I mean, I'm trying to. make you question. how other people perceive you, including. myself, how you perceive yourself. If. anybody's ever questioned, "Am I crazy? Am I the crazy one? Is it Is it me? Is. it Is it everybody?" Most likely, you're. probably being. gaslit. And here's the truth. I have been the gaslighter. Everybody has been the gaslighter,

whether they intentionally know it or. not, because it's all that feeling of. preservation, of defensiveness, of I. don't want people to know the truth of. of what's happening in my life, so I'm. going to mislead. In gaslighting, the. intent is to alter your reality, to make. you question. what is real and what is not. So, I might do something wrong and then. I might come home. I know that I've done. something wrong and intentionally try.

and sell my partner a version of reality. that makes them fundamentally question. what they know to try and spare me the. critique or to. control them. Yes. To protect yourself. It's It's It's self-preservation. Say Let's say you and your partner uh. come home from a a dinner, all right, and you're just in a very critical mood. And maybe you're trying to. to distract from something else that's. going on in your life. And you're being critical of a story. that she shared at dinner. You're like,

"Why did you Why would you ever say. that?" And she goes, "E- Everything was. fine." You're like, "Fine? No No, it was. not. Did you not see how they reacted? No, no, no, no. Listen. I know you don't want to hear this, but. everybody feels that. you know, you're a little bit. much. You know, and. all of a sudden starting to alter. how she feels in that moment. And I've. seen the the other side of that, and it. is it is not at all. something that you can come back from.

without serious relationship work to be. able to. find a way to say, "Okay, what's How are. we really walking in truth?" Because you. get so far away from radical honesty in. conversation. So, gaslighting is is is. not something to be taken lightly, but I. will say people often apply it to the. wrong thing. They'll use it as a sense of saying, "You're saying something I don't like, so you're gaslighting me.". You know, we're in an argument and. you're pointing out something that hurt. your feelings. Oh, that's gaslighting.

You know, and they and they they they. use it as an excuse. It's almost a form. of gaslighting. Exactly. That's exactly. right. And it In a weird way, it can. reverse that way. But imagine me saying. something hurtful to you and you go, "That really hurt my feelings." I go, "Well, that's just my boundary. I just. have a boundary about everything." Or. this is you're just gaslighting me. You. know, I've never met somebody who talked. about their ex without saying my. narcissistic ex. You know, I finally. just got out of a narcissistic. relationship. It's never us, right? It's. always the other It's always the other. person. And so, there's these words that.

we can kind of pepper and salt in the. sentences. that are also still another form, if we. look at it, a form of self-preservation. Look at all their bad and don't look at. mine. Why is it important that we don't. gaslight others? And I I ask this. question because. everybody listening now is probably. going to want the the answer to the. question, which is what What do I do. about a gaslighter? Yeah. But again, this is. avoiding the responsibility that we all. have a like a tendency or at some point. in our life have gaslit somebody else.

>> Yes. And. you know, I don't think my audience is just. the gaslighted. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah. >> what I mean? Statistically, clearly. you're you're also all the gaslighters. Right. So, how do um. Why is it important that we don't. gaslight other people? And is there a. way for us to avoid, you know, getting into situation where. our our backs are against the wall and. we end up gaslighting someone? It's important not to gaslight somebody. because every time you do, you're. removing. yourself further and further from the.

truth. The truth of how you feel, the truth of. your relationship. You are withholding. reality. from that other person, rather than. having radical radical honesty about. what's what's happening. So, it it. degrades the relationship. It degrades. another person's self-worth. And in many. ways, gaslighting steals. their reality. It's not something you can give back. without a lot of work. It It's It's. taking in some sense. Now, it can be.

absolutely. intentional, and it can also be. unintentional as a form of. self-preservation. And if you feel like you are being. gaslit, the secret to knowing. is. slowing down the conversation. If I am. staying still. in the conversation, meaning you could. say something to me. that's a form of gaslighting, making me. question, "Did I Oh my goodness, did I. really say that? Did I really hurt their.

feelings? Oh, I Did I?". And get into my head, and I start kind of jumping around and. trying to change what I did. But if I. were to say, "Steven, I remember that differently.". And that's where I stop. Then you can try other things, and I'm. going to repeat, "Yeah, I remember that differently.". I It's standing in the truth of what you. know, rather than being concerned. and misled. by giving someone the reins and the.

leash to drag you around. And if I am. if I think about I think it's thinking. about all the times where I've I think I. might have gas- gaslit someone, you know, in relationships, backs. against the wall, um. and you're having an argument with. someone or. it's it's quite difficult in my head to. know the difference between the word. like just saying something that isn't. necessarily true or is that Is your. perception of things versus like. gaslighting? Is the Is the difference in your mind. intention? Like, is if I say if I give.

my version of reality, Yeah. uh we were. at that party, you said this thing, I. saw the person roll their eyes, and then. they walked away. I think they're really. offended. I think you offended them. Right. What's the difference between. that and me gaslighting someone? Of between lying and gaslighting or is. >> Yeah, like I'm trying to understand in. that in that context you gave about. going to a party someone said something. and then they walk up. What's the. difference between if that's how you saw. reality and you're communicating it. versus gaslighting someone? It's to the. intention. It's the intention. >> And the intention is I'm the one in.

control, not you. Okay. So you are. trying to control the narrative. You are trying to be both director, producer, and actor. For your own. agenda. That's right. For your own film. And for control. I'm I'm the character. in my own movie. I am the main. character. And. you need to behave this way. You need to. believe this. You need to act upon that. And so the more I can try to. manipulate that reality.

and what's so wild is. it becomes so manipulated that you. believe it, too. Now now that that falsehood is now. become your fact. In some sense, that the really good. liars convince themselves that that lie. is. is the truth. Is there a certain type of. person that's more susceptible to being. gaslit or to being victimized in any way. with conversation in your view? Anxious. attachment. The ones that are they. people who can't regulate by themselves.

They have to coregulate. Meaning. most of the time men are we're good. self-regulators. Just give me some time. by myself. Give me an evening. Give me an hour. Let me walk outside and I'll and I'll. regulate myself. Most of the time it's been my experience. women are not like that. They. coregulate, most of them. They they need. you. to also make them feel good. They can't.

be good if you're not good. We're not. good. I'm not good if if you're not okay. So it's it's that whole I'm not okay if. you're not okay. And so in many ways. they need you to be able to. calm down themselves. And they they don't self-regulate as. well. And so. the people who are most susceptible to. gaslighting are ones who need. coregulation. People who are anxious anxious. attachment. Meaning they they need are.

you okay? Are you good? Do you need. anything? Are you Are you sure you're. not okay? And. versus the people who are more avoidant. And three, the the people who are. typically more insecure. So do you think. women get gaslit more than men? Yes. But women still gaslight women, right? Of course. But just men are more. >> When you're talking relationships, when. you're talking relationships, that's my. personal opinion. It's because. from my feedback from the people that. have. read my book and the people who give me.

feedback on my book. Yeah, it's majority vast majority are. are women. I'm not saying that's some. empirical study on it, but what I will. say is. women are just as capable. of gaslighting. And get women can certainly gaslight. women and it's. I'm saying this with the mindset of. everybody gaslights whether they know it. or not and they have in the past and. most likely they can think of a time in.

the past where they did. without knowing it. But it is that would be my opinion that. most of the time men are the ones that. do it to women. I was reading some. research here that says multiple studies. on emotional abuse in heterosexual. relationships show women report higher. rates of gaslighting and coercive. control than men. Men do report. gaslighting, too, but less frequently. and usually in different forms. Um and if. as it relates to workplace data, surveys. from management and organizational. psychology show women are more likely to. have their competence questioned, their.

memory doubted, or their experience. dismissed. Women in male-dominated fields report. the highest rates of gaslighting and. women of color report even higher rates. of being told their perception is wrong. or misinterpret or that they're. misinterpreting things. Sounds like that tracks. And also in medical settings, women are. less likely to be to be believed about. their symptoms. Women's pain is underestimated. Women. get later diagnoses for multiple. conditions like heart disease and.

autoimmune disorders, ADHD, and autism. And the list goes on and on and on. If I had to say who does more, you know, I'm not trying to put some kind of like. headline of men do it more than women. In my experience, it tends tends to be. the guy. And you know, what is that that. information show me? It shows me that. that sounds about right. I do think from the people that follow. my content, listen to my content because.

I stay very connected to my community of. so many women say, I feel like I'm in. this workplace and they are doubting my. competence. They're doubting my ability. to make decisions. I'm not being. believed. I'm putting I'm I'm being put. down. I'm whether it's not even their. experience, it's just because of their. gender. And those are real those are real. questions. Does that mean that that's. gaslighting? Probably not all the time, but. for me to say, that's that's a dumb.

complaint. You know, that's just. complaining. In many ways when you start denying that. reality, then you have the same problem. Do you know what I am I've I've hired. thousands of people over the last decade. and I have to say. sometimes it's hard it's difficult to. understand the plight of someone else. when you haven't lived their experience. like you haven't been a woman or. whatever. So it's like it's like very. difficult. So you kind of just have to. take them for their word sometimes. because you've not lived it yourself. Or. you can look at data or whatever else. And I do have to say that I have. experienced.

male executives who were. extremely dismissive of their female. peers. in a way that was 100%. inconsistent as it relates to genders. What I mean by that is I can think of. several male executives over the years. who I observed. dismissing or diminishing or not giving. the woman in the room the same credit. really for no other reason than she was. a woman. And so it's a very real thing. And it's. not every man, I have to say this, but.

there is a certain particular type of. person. who for some reason in my experience. would see a woman in the in the. workplace or in the high sort of upper. echelons of the professional um. environment as being less than them just. because of her gender. So when I hear, you know, what you're saying about women. are predominantly you know, coming to. you talking about these issues of. gaslighting, it does kind of track with. what I've seen. I'll tell you this, I've never had a man. come to me in all this time that I've. been from my book to my content this.

number of years ever say I think I'm. being gaslit. It is it has always been. the woman. Never? Never. What about the conversation around like. dealing with narcissists? Cuz this feels. like it's kind of one in the same. The. words are used in the same sort of. vernacular, but. >> Yeah. Do you have men coming to you saying. that I think my partner's a narcissist? >> Yes. >> Yeah, that I do have. Yeah, it's always it's always they're. married to one or just got out of a. relationship with one. But it's never. them. And what what do you say to.

someone who is dealing with a narcissist. who is dealing with someone who. repeatedly gaslights them? Let's say. it's in the context of work. Yeah. What. are they meant to do? Quit their job. Well, that is an option. So let's not. rule that out. >> Okay. Um if it's if it's worth it to. you. Cuz it's that's the question of. what's your what's your purpose here. And this is where you're going to be. forever? Then there's some things we need to put. in place. But what are you to do? You. are to limit. the interaction. Like limit the. exposure. Talk less. Neutral statements.

So if you can, many ways you can, just limit the amount of physicality of. I don't have to see you. I don't have to. communicate with you. I know you work. three doors down, but I don't have to be. your best friend and you certainly don't. have to be mine. Two is understanding. the game that you're in. It's it's a game. for narcissists of praise or provoke. Meaning if. I am not showering you with praise, then.

the narcissist will turn to provoke in. order to create an argument for the same. effect. They they delight in frustration. just as may just as much as they delight. in your praise because they get the same. type of. control. I've seen so many expert witnesses in my. field that are that I what I would term. are narcissists. They they they can. never possibly be wrong. They they don't. do empathy. And again, this is me with the. understanding of, hey, we all have.

narcissistic tendency. You know, we all. have narcissistic traits. And narcissism. is a diagnosable condition that you can. have. I think more people would qualify. more than they think. But how do you handle it day-to-day? Is know knowing what kind of game you're. in that's a game you're just not going. to play. I know I don't have to say. anything to that person. Two, I'm going. to limit my distance to them. And three, I'm going to use neutral statements. I'm. going to use neutral statements like, that's good to know. Thanks for sharing.

Noted. Like things that they can't grab. onto and continue to have in a. conversation. When you think of like the hallmarks of. of a really really. one of these types of people, what are. the way the characteristics that I could. should be looking out for if I'm dealing. with one such person who is is going to. try and manipulate me, is going to try. and gaslight me? What what do they do? They can never be happy for anybody but. themselves. They can't be happy for you. They can't.

be happy for other people. These are the types that if you were to. say, "Hey, did you see that Steven just. got this award? Isn't that so great? He's just nominated for whatever." And. they go, "I mean, that's I guess that's. fine. You know, I when I did this and. they start talking about them. selves. They can never be happy for. somebody else. They can't be happy for. you. It's. They have to find some way to turn the. conversation of. why the world is so hard and so pitiful. for them, that the world was against. them and they couldn't get it, but they. were just as deserving. I mean, I guess that's fine. I mean, you.

know, I do this, but nobody nobody. listens, nobody really cares. They find. that they have a very victim mentality. So, two is a victim mentality. Everything happens to them in some way. And three, they can't feel for other. people. They don't do. emotion. It's it's always about the. perception of. what others would think. They're very, very. sensitive. to how others might portray them. So, they're going to give you a different. view. than they give other people.

And so, the couple might be terrible. But for a narcissist, they're going to. put on face that the relationship is. perfect to everybody else. And everybody. goes, "You must be so blessed to be married to. that person." You're going, "You kidding me?". They're they're fooling everybody. And. it's a very helpless position. Have you. ever had a narcissist try and prey on. you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm in the legal field, man. Expert witnesses. have opinions. to them that are unquestionable. You.

can't This is their opinion and nobody. else could ever argue with it. When I. have another expert who says just the. opposite. So, a lot of the times, they. are very condescending. You know, that's fine. And they have. their opinion and this is all there is. and how dumb of you to ever question me. And usually, what gives it away. is if I feel like this is somebody that, okay, they're they can't be reasonable. They're never going to give an inch on. what's reasonable. I will ask this. I'll say, this is.

typically in a deposition. I'll say, "And you think the jury's going to like. that?". And you Or you think other people are. going to agree with you? And all of a sudden, they kind of change. in an instant to be able to match. what the jury is going to think. So, if. I were to say, "And you think And you. think that's okay? And you think others. are going to find that okay? And you. think that the jury, when they hear. this, they're they're all going to. agree with this very hard-line opinion.". I've seen it every time where they. That's It's only when I reference other.

people. The presentation of themselves to other. people that they kind of put on a a. show. Why? Because they know that. the. perception of the crowd is everything. They need everybody to like them, to. fawn over them. They they want their. idea to to be the best. And so, they. will manipulate the situation to be the. chameleon, to to make sure that. everybody. loves them, at least in in their mind.

It's not a It's not a reasonable. thought. And so, they will typically. change their opinion to sound more. palatable, even though they could have admitted to. that. you know, 2 hours into the deposition. Do they tend to talk more or less than. the average person in the room? Much. more. Hm. Is there a thin line between just being. insecure and being a narcissist? Because I you know, one of the things I. was thinking about is you said earlier. that they tend to bring everything back. to themselves. I was thinking about all. the people that I know that if we were. having a conversation about your book.

doing really, really well, the first response to that would be. their mention of their own book. Like. they would immediately bring it straight. back to something about them. And I was. wondering, some of those people I just. have in the category of just being a. little bit insecure. And that they just, you know, they're in. a search for validation. So, I'm. wondering where where you think the line. might be between sort of narcissistic. behavior and just like extremely. insecure. Maybe there's not a line. Maybe extreme insecurity is narcissism. Both can be true. You know, I'd I'd say. that. not all insecure people are narcissists,

but all narcissists are insecure. Hm. >> [clears throat]. >> Um I would I would say that if I had to. give some kind of. line, it would be the interest for. growth. Insecure people are looking for ways to. grow. and to secure and attach. Narcissists, they're not looking for. anybody. to attach on to. They're looking for. people to. support them, you know, to please them. And so, it they have no interest in.

growth. They To them, they've learned all they. have have to learn. I am the best. I. cannot improve anymore. That to me would. be the difference. When you dealt with. narcissists in your own life and in the. courtroom, what is the reason why they couldn't. prey on you? What did you do as defense. to stop their games, their typical games. working on you? I don't chase their words. Often, one of the biggest things I see. wrong. in conversation.

is a narcissist will Same for a. gaslighter. They'll dig a hole. All right? And then. they expect you to fill it. Meaning, they're going to say something. to frustrate you. And you go, "No, no, that's not what happened. Don't you. remember?" And And you just start. chasing it. And then they just dig. another hole. And then you keep going. and you keep going and you're exhausted. cuz all you've been doing is trying to. plug holes. You're not having a real. conversation. And when I can. give it a very clear definition of the a. very clear signal of.

noted. You know, I'm just going to stay right. there. I'm going to see I'm going to put. down the shovel. and stay right there with them. And maybe I'll say something as neutral. as got it. I don't have to chase it. I don't have. to say anything. And And to me, the the. people that have those narcissistic. traits, once they realize that they can. have no game with you, that you're not. going to play, they find somebody else. They find somebody else. If you've ever.

had somebody. come to you and they're the more. emotionally toxic type of person, they. always have some kind of problem. They. come with you and they have this. problem. You go, "I I just I can't." All. right, this moment I will. And 10 minutes later, what's happened? They don't have that issue. They've. already gone to talk to somebody else. I was watching a. Dame Dash on The Breakfast Club. I don't. know if you've seen it. [laughter]. But it's really good. >> Another Breakfast Club. But it's it's. Dame Dash is on there cuz he he was he. filed for bankruptcy and Charlamagne is. sat there. And Charlamagne [clears throat] is I've. actually interviewed both of them both.

Dame and Charlamagne. And Charlamagne is. very relaxed and every once in a while. just tells Dame Dash that he thinks he's. broke. And then Dame Dash is like very like. hot-headed and like trying to prove. prove all the reasons why he's not. broken and like really like, you know, gassing himself. And I it was it was an. interesting It's an interesting video to. watch, I think. It's the more recent one. that came out within the last year. because it does show, in my view, how to. deal with someone who.

has a very has a significant ego. Yeah. Which is. Charlamagne just never changes state. Like no matter what the volume is, no. matter how much emotion, no matter when. he starts. calling him some quite personal insults, Charlamagne's demeanor, his tone, his. posture Yeah. doesn't change. >> Unbothered. Unbothered. And you can see. it's super triggering that you just. can't get to this guy. Like it looks. like Dame is like really annoyed that he. and he tries to say more offensive. things. He calls you a you're a this,

you're a that, the other. And it's funny cuz I was watching it. this morning. And it for me it kind of tracks with a. lot of the stuff you're saying about. like just not going with them. Yeah. Just not following them works cuz that. they want you to go somewhere. And that. there's a certain conflict they want to. get in with you. And if you just kind of. refuse and just stay anchored to. whatever you were your point of view is, it's it's funny to watch. They want to. push you. Yeah. Yeah, my my dad, I can remember. growing up, I'd be in the passenger seat, he's. driving. And you ever had it where somebody.

you're in the passenger seat and. somebody's just rearing the the bumper. right on them. Mhm. And And I And I'd be. looking in the side mirror and I'm like, I kind of start stressing out for him. You know, I don't know if that. somebody's really riding the bumper, you. know, right behind him. And I mean, just like clockwork, what he. would do, we have shoulders on our in on. the roads there in Texas. And rather than trying to speed up or. get mad, he would just kind of pull over. to the shoulder. And he would say this. every time. He'd say, "Go on with your. bad self.". Every time he'd go, "Go on with your bad. self." in the rearview mirror. Like,

that's how unbothered he was by that. Of. I feel like so many people get road. rage. And so many people talk out loud. to the cars while they're while they're. driving. And he it just never got him worked up. And realizing. my value and my worth and knowing who I. am is not at all determined. by. where you feel I should go. It goes back to that idea of If you want. to tell me the sky is purple, knock.

yourself out. Now, I I don't have to be right and you. don't have the ability to to push me. I. can move and you have your own. I I know my lane. I know my speed. I. don't have to match anybody else's. So, when there's somebody is unbothered, it's not because they don't care. It's not for lack of care. It's an understanding. It's discernment. of knowing. I know who I am in this moment and why. in the world would I try to be anybody.

else? Wouldn't life be amazing if we could all. be untriggerable? It'd be more peaceful, that's for sure. It's interesting because again, just. reflecting on that interview I watched. this morning, when Dame Dash calls. Charlamagne something really, really. offensive, I noticed that as a viewer, I. immediately look at Charlamagne. to see his reaction to figure out if. what Dame Dash just said was true. And you see what I'm saying? So, he he. turned him and said, "You're a X.". >> Right. And then Charlamagne just kind of.

laughed and like it just it was like. water off a duck's back. So, immediately. as the viewer I go, "Well, that can't be. true then, cuz Charlemagne doesn't seem. to care. Exactly. Well, it's it's not. the lack of. a care. It's. it's just the opposite. It's all the. more care of knowing who he is. So, if. I were to tell you. right now. I hate your purple shirt. It's the most. ugliest purple shirt I've ever seen, Stephen. Like your shirt is so ugly in.

that purple. Does it affect you whatsoever? No, cuz I'm not wearing a purple shirt. For anyone listening when I was wearing. a purple That's right. >> [laughter]. >> That's a good point. Right, but you see. how you you already know. the characteristics of of you. You. already know what you're wearing. And it's not just your clothes. I'm I'm wearing my confidence. I'm. wearing everything that. your parents, your your loved ones have. instilled and put on you. I'm I'm. wearing the armor of my faith. I I am I.

have all these other things that I'm. wearing. And. if you want to say my shirt's purple, that. that doesn't affect me at all, cuz. that's that's not who I am. And so so. often people get mixed up of arguing. about no, I don't have a purple shirt. on. Mhm. When why would you ever argue with. that? They they. it's that quote by Abraham Lincoln that. I love. If never argue with a fool, because an. onlooker.

can never know the difference. Right? And so it's it's knowing No, I I. know exactly who I am and what I'm. wearing. And this sort of speaks to the fact that. your reaction determines how onlookers. will interpret everything that's. happening. Like you know Oh, the worst thing you. could do to somebody who insults you is. laugh. I mean, what does it do? It I. mean, it it infuriates them, right? But. when the same thing with a bully. A. bully says something to you that they.

know is meant to hurt you. And if I were to turn around and say, "Did you say that to to embarrass me?". I mean, what are they going to do? They. they could say yes, they could say no. Either way, you're realizing I'm not. getting get any reaction. What you're. showing them is. for you to do this, it's just not going. to be fun for you. It's going to be zero fun whatsoever for. you. And so they'll find that with. somebody somebody else. It's it's always. your reaction. that's going to. determine how the conversation goes.

forward. There's a lot of people. listening right now that are a long way. away from that. Very easily triggered. Yeah. Seeking justice, you know, whatever it might be. For those people, is it like a muscle. they have to build or is there What is. the journey to getting to this level of. sort of mastery? It's a discipline. It is in the same way that people. invest in so many other things in our. life. We invest in our health, we invest. in self-help books, we invest in the. podcasts that we listen to. It is the.

same. You have to invest in your. communication. We don't get taught in school. We don't, you know, I I went to law. school. People think I learned this in. law school. No. Law school teaches you how to read the. law. It doesn't teach you how to read. people. You had a. To me, if you are somebody that is in a. position of expertise and to share. something. it either came at great personal cost or. you're making it up. Like it it it is something that you have. learned. Right? >> [laughter]. >> It's true. And so, I mean, whether it's.

through skill, knowledge, training, it's. I have You want to know how that I know. these things? Cuz I've lived it. You know, I I have been on the bad side, I've been on the good side, and. it's. it is not it's never something that's. just going to come to you. We are emotional creatures and we're. hormonal creatures. Mhm. So, how do how. do you think about our emotions, our. hormones, our health, our physical, cognitive state as it relates to like. walking into the courtroom and being. ready? Like how much of the you know,

cuz if I've had zero hours sleep and I'm. I don't know hungry and whatever else. and I'm I had an argument and I'm. stressed about something. It's going to. be significantly harder to show up and. be a great communicator and win the. argument against somebody. >> Right. Do you think about these things? All the time. I mean, the emotions are. are right there connected to the words. And what do you what how do you prepare. to be ready. for battle? It's an emotional awareness of how I'm. feeling. and also how the other person is.

Because if I just respond. I mean, yeah, if I respond to their. emotional reaction, I'll miss it every. time. Same thing in relationships. If I. respond to the reaction. I'll lose that moment to actually speak. to the need. So, even in the courtroom. for me. if. I know that I'm a little sleepy. I know I'm a little hungry. I'm a little. grumpy. You know what? I can either try and. pretend that I'm not. or I might get up from the jury.

and say, "Good morning, everybody. I. have to admit to you, I'm a little. grumpy. I didn't eat all that much this. morning. Anybody else grumpy?" And then. everybody starts to kind of nod. And. now, hey, we all kind of relate. Not to. my words, but now to the feeling. And now you trust me more, I trust you. more. Because I'm being more authentic. And do you think people should do that. in their own interpersonal. relationships, which is just called out. there states? Absolutely. Because the. perfection is not relatable. Struggle. is. Emotions are. If I were to come to you.

and say. and you say, "How are you?" And I go, "Good. Everything's good." when it is. not. Am I being authentic or am I being fake? But if I were to say, "Let me tell you. I've had a morning and it's testing me. in a way I was not expecting. And my mind is just not here.". Does that make you trust me more or. trust me less? Trust you more. Every. time. Mhm. So, when you can share your. struggles with people. I'm not talking. about your deepest inner desire. struggles. I'm saying. let me put it this way.

Sarah and I check in with each other. every morning. She's my wife. And. it's only about 10 minutes after she. drops the kid off uh kids off. And. we kind of run through how we're doing. And the number one thing she asked me or. tells me goes, "You told me a lot about. what you're doing. You haven't told me about how you're. feeling.". And that's. that's the truth of the default, I. think, of a lot of men and a lot of. people. I'm going to tell you what's. going on, what's on my agenda. What I'm doing.

I haven't told you a lot about how I'm. feeling. And we store all that stuff up, cuz it's. still there. But if I can share with you. what is my struggle. what's happening, not just the good, but. more importantly the the bad. I mean, that. it's always going to bring that. authenticity into the play. Women and men are very different in many. ways. And. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah. We're very different in many ways. Men are I I don't know. It feels like. men just, you know, again, I'm I'm.

stereotyping here. So, it's not all men. and of course people are different. But. just speaking generally, the stereotype. is that men are typically a bit more. emotionally composed or should I say. flat. And women have uh more emotional. fluctuations. One could look at hormone. changes throughout the month and talk. about why that might be, etc. etc. I've. had many scientists here talk to me. about hormone fluctuations and how that. impacts how someone feels. But what this means in our romantic. relationships is sometimes.

we meet each other on very different. wavelengths. Yeah. So, my relationship. my partner's probably seen me cry. once Right. in 7 years. Maybe twice, but probably once. I've probably seen her cry. 500 times, >> [laughter]. >> maybe more. Yeah. So, it feels it almost. feels like I'm just going to be. completely honest, cuz I just think it's. helpful, so you can [ __ ] me up online if. you want, but. I sometimes feels like. we're different species. Mhm. Like the.

way that I interact with my guy friends. and the way that the sort of wavelength. that my romantic partner my my my. girlfriend operates on. are very very different. So, it's very. easy to like misunderstand. And we spend. a lot of time talking about how men need. to be. more emotional and more I don't know. Men need to change how how they are, because it's the problem. But. what about the like what about the other. side of that? Which is. >> [laughter].

>> do. do women also need to think about. do we need to meet in the middle? >> [laughter]. >> Is what I'm saying. There certainly is space to meet in the. middle. Like who's right in that I don't. know. Is is there a person that's right. in this configuration? Am I meant to be. way more emotional. and be. or or is she meant to be way more. composed? Cuz I I think that's often how. both sides feel. They feel like, "Why aren't you coming. to my wavelength on this issue?" But I. think here's what you're missing. She. would be much more composed if you would.

be more emotional. Mhm. And so, a lot of times what I find in my. own marriage. is. when I show emotion, the more composed. she is. I mean, if I start screaming and crying, I I think my girlfriend's going to I'm. not saying screaming. I'm I'm saying. show emotion. What kind of emotion? Of being in it with her. And what does that look like? That means you're going to say things. that. make her feel it. There's a difference if I just go.

static. This what happens to me Yeah. uh. truthfully is. let's say we're in an argument about. something or something came up. And so, she is emotional about it. If I. dismiss it. Okay, this is so dumb. Really? Right. now? This is cuz arguments never come at. the most opportune time. They come at. the worst possible time. Yeah, that's. hello. That's all relationships. If I. dismiss it. right? Does that make her come closer to. me or further away from me? And if I'm pushing her further away from. me, why would she not be more emotional?

Why why would she Why would she not be. further away from me if I dismiss that? For every woman. to be more emotional as a man, tears are. not necessary. Connection is being in it is saying. things that make her feel that you're. you're genuinely feeling it. The. difference I find with men and what I. struggle with is. I can say that I'm sad. I have a hard. time expressing sad. I can say that I'm really regretful. I.

have a hard time. expressing that. I think that is something that happens a. lot with most relationships and I think. that happens a lot with men of. we were emotional. and we got taught early that. you. you are not to cry. We I couldn't even. tell you how many times I ever saw my. dad cry. I think this is it. The. modeling we had as well is. my dad was either angry or completely. static. And when I say angry, he was. very very rarely angry. Right.

>> But but when I saw him engage with my. mom on an emotional level, it would be. him yelling back. Right. If he wasn't yelling back, he was. completely just like. he was just very calm, static, unemotional. There was no in between. Yeah. It It all comes down to. repair. How quickly you get to repair. That. means can I validate the feeling that. she has? Validation.

is It's not weakness, it's repair. In my. world. relationships don't fall apart because. of one big failure. They fall apart because of a hundred. moments. where repair could have happened. and it didn't. We just chose not to. Or you could have. said I'm sorry, but you withheld it. I. could have chose to validate how you're. feeling, but I said that's stupid. And it's it's those, the hundreds of. those little bitty moments where all of. a sudden no wonder you're your world's.

apart. Because you chose in those little. bitty moments not to do repair because. you said, "Ah, this is so stupid. This. is so small." Yeah, it is small. All the. more reason why you should repair pretty. quickly. And so when you can validate those. concerns. even when you say she's being emotional. you're not. when you go into that static mode, when. I go into that static mode, it's a. choice by me to do something different. Not say the thing I always say. Not be. dismissive. Not find ways to try and.

convince her that she shouldn't feel. this way. But if I validate, if I say things like. I can see how you feel that way. If that's how you interpreted it. you know what? I don't blame you for. feeling that way. I can see that. That. sounds scary. That sounds frustrating. If I can. choose that. It's it's this like this isn't the key. for me. And trust me, I'm talking to. myself here. Yeah. All right? Cuz every. Every guy I feel like can be like,

"Okay, this is right." If I can. make the hard choice in that moment to. put aside my frustration, just for a. moment. put aside my personal frustration. and validate the feeling. and say. words that speak to her need, the need. to feel heard, the need to feel safe, the need to feel like she's not being. too much. then all of a sudden it all shrinks. And. you know what? My frustration.

kind of goes away. Why? Because everything's better now. We've We've had moments of repair. And then if I still am really frustrated. then I can bring it up. Hey, can I Can I. bring up something that you said that's. really bothering me? And then you do. How as a man do you. know that you're not setting a bad. precedence for the future? And what I mean here is Yeah. if I. constantly, you know, justify how she's. feeling and I and I seek repair and then. when she's happy, I just let it go.

there's. I think sometimes there's a worry. as a man that. if you just lay down and take. everything, then you're just going to. get more stuff in the future. Like. you're setting a bad precedence for the. future of this relationship where. there's sometimes actually no, I wasn't. in the wrong or I know I did I did I do. disagree with this. >> Right. And I think I've observed a lot of. relationships, especially with some of. my guy friends where because they like. never stood up for themselves Yeah. >> then they're like living in a prison. Right. >> They like never. stood up for themselves. Yes. And so.

they're they've kind of lost all of. their autonomy and agency and control. and they. you know, even when you're listening to. this, there's probably people you can. think of in your life where the guy has. always opted for an easy life in the. short term and now over the long term he. has a really hard one. Yes. And again, men and women. Of course. So this is the. balance I'm trying to understand in your. view is. you know, when do you pick the fight and. when do you say, "No, that's not.". versus just laying down and taking it. This is quite. >> [laughter]. >> This is quite personal to me as well. because I think my dad did that a bit.

too much. I think my dad he never he. never chose the fight. And then I look I. look at how that played out over 20. years and I'm like, "Damn.". It's completely changed me cuz it means. that I will now go through the conflict. Mhm. and stand up for myself when I hit a. place where I'm like, "That. I'm not going to be able to honor that. for you for the next 30 years. I will. stand my ground.". Do you know if there's like an area. where um we might might might say my. girlfriend's unhappy about a certain. thing I do. Yeah. If I don't think that.

I'm I'm going to be able to promise to. not do that for the next like 10, 20, 30. years if I if I'm unwilling to change. Yeah. I have to stand my ground. Because. if I concede today, it's hell tomorrow. Yeah, what what I'm hearing. what I'm hearing is fear of autonomy. Fear of my rights. Yeah. Fear of my. dominance. Yeah, like my freedom being. Yeah. >> Well, it's it's You want to hear the. probably the number one word you'll.

hear. with relationships that are on the. brink, it's caged. Men feels caged. You know, the man feels caged. And. really all that is, it's a lack of. confidence. of knowing. if I am willing to do something. different. then I can't have anything else. So it's. it's It's thinking in terms of. zero sum.

See, both can be true. I can You can still validate how she's. feeling. and not at all touch what you still know. to be true. So you can still disagree. with her. But every time we go into a. conversation, we walk in with a need. A need to feel loved, understood. It is. always depths. Like you think of um. like a kid. Right? My son, my daughter. If when she was small and she screamed.

or she cried or told me no still tells. me no. You know, of all these things and. I just said, "No, are you kidding me? You're going to tell me and I You're. crying right now? Really?" And I get all. upset when she screams. But with kids we don't do that. We go, "She's hungry. She's tired. She's scared." Mhm. And we just forget. that we're all just big kids. And we all have those like hidden needs. underneath us. And so you still can. stand your ground and say.

So let's run it. So let's say for. example. >> A specific example. From my. ex-girlfriend, I was on my phone in bed. and I was sending a message cuz there's. something going on with my in my. business back in the UK and I was in I. was in Asia at the time. >> Yeah. And she said to me that she wanted. to make a rule where there was never any. phones in bed, ever. I could never touch. my phone in the bedroom. Right? And as I. thought this through, I thought, "God.". I thought about all the scenarios where. I might need to touch my phone in the. bedroom. And what would I I realized that what. would end up happening is I just. wouldn't come into the bedroom. I'd like.

go and do it in the in the. >> [clears throat]. >> toilet or the shower or I just like I. wouldn't come to bed if I needed to do. something on my phone. Right. And so the. conversation went where I was like, I I. realized in this moment that I had to. kind of like. not lay down on this issue because I. would disappoint her in the future. Mhm. I was setting myself up to fail in the. future. If I if I accepted this and made. her some kind of promise though you. know, agreed that we I wasn't going to. touch my phone ever again in the. bedroom. And so that was one such example where. I'm like, I think [clears throat] I. actually need to stand my ground a bit.

here or I'm setting myself up for a. future expectation I can't meet. So in that moment, what did you think. her need was? Her need was connection. and she was interpreting me being on the. phone in that space as a disconnection. in some way. And. could it possibly be perceived as that? 100%. Okay. >> But it wasn't the phone. It was the It. was the. It was me not It was her not feeling. connected. In my view, it at that moment. in time, in that particular week.

because I was so busy in that particular. week that I think she was trying to find. a a symptom or a tool or a guarantee or. a promise to express. the feeling of disconnection. So that's. why I look back on it and go, "It was. actually something else. That was just a. symptom of a feeling she had at that. moment in time probably." Right. But. that was an example where I like I if. I'd conceded, it would have it would not. have been sustainable. There would have. been more arguments in the future. I'm. not saying you concede. I'm saying there are times that if you. want the key to the relationship it is.

putting her comfort over your. inconvenience. So what should I have. done in that situation? Give me some. advice. Do you think? Well, you've already kind of named it. One, she's it's not you saying. The wrong thing to say is, "Well, you. were just on your phone. I mean, you. just I mean, you're on your phone all. the time. You're on the phone all the. time. What are you talking about?" And. you start arguing cuz now you're. you're responding to the reaction. You're not addressing the need. If you. were to slow down. and say,

"Look, I I still want to be connected. with you. Is there a. any kind of place where I can still take. care of what I need to take care of and. also. be connected to you?" Or if there's a. situation where you say, "Well, what. about this?". Before I just get my phone and grab it, I'm going to tell you what I'm doing. ahead of time. Or I'm going to ask. Maybe that's where it is. You don't want. to ask. Hey, I. Greg is supposed to email me some.

slides or a deck or whatever. Can I. check that out real quick? You hear how. she's probably going to say yes. But the. fact that you are saying, "Hey, I'm. acknowledging our connection right now.". And see, it might make you. uncomfortable. Saying, "I don't I don't. like anybody telling me what to do. I. don't have to I don't want to report to. anybody." Okay, that's that's fine. Well, then you just know that connection. is always going to be weak. And so you. you're signing your name to that. I don't think I mean there's I have lots. of thoughts on phones in houses.

uh and where they should go. But. if you were to have. instead of arguing the. "What are you talking about? You're on. your phone all all the time.". And instead. said, "I can see how. that would make you feel like I'm not. paying attention to you." And letting. her respond to that. And you saying, "Look, I don't want to Me being on this. this is not at all me trying to signal. that. I'm not trying to be here with you. I'm. trying to escape on you." And have that. conversation.

And that's where you can just say, "It. is important to me that I have these. things. And for me to be able to connect. with you and kind of rest my brain, I. need to take care of these things. What's the best way that I can do that?". I think then that's when you actually. are able to have a conversation of like. let's make a game game plan that makes. sense because. if you you put your inconvenience over. her comfort, she will always. discredit that to you. Your bank account. will always continue to to go low.

And if but if you say, "Look, I I'm. willing to do a little bit of. inconvenient things to make you feel. better, make you more comfortable.". I mean that that only grows your. account. I mean that that when when you. have a relationship that can. last a whole lot longer. I think I'm. slightly traumatized because um. >> [laughter]. >> I I think the model that I had of. relationships meant that someone can. increasingly sort of encroach on your. freedom Yes. until you are virtually.

powerless. I think that's a lot of guys. I've felt that. I've certainly felt. that. Yeah, so I I try and fight back. And sometimes I think I overdo it. And. this is what this is one such example. where actually objectively when I hear. myself say, "She asked me not to. like be on on my phone in bed." I'm. like, "Well, that's kind of a reasonable. request to be honest. Like the bedroom. can be a place where we just like go on. the phones. I could just do it in my. office and then come to bed when I'm. ready.". >> Right. But I think my I get my back up. because I've just got so many examples. of men who like didn't stand up for. themselves. Yes. And then were rendered.

powerless down the line. So it's like if. I give you this, then tomorrow you're. going to say, "Maybe you can't be on my. phone in the kitchen." And then maybe I. can't be on my phone in the bathroom. And then So I just thought well, if I. just stand up for myself here, then I. just hold hold off the What I'm not all. saying is that the guy go, "Yeah, sure. That's fine." And then she asks for. something and you go, "Yeah, sure. That's fine." And you just you're super. passive with everything. That's where I. think you do feel like you're just you. look around and you you've given up. everything to where you don't feel like. I I have anything to to grab onto. I. want to throw in another example that a.

lot of people relate to. A lot of men. have like a hobby with that with their. guy friends. Right? Like watching the. football, talking [ __ ] in the group. chat. I think it's so important to defend. those things. Absolutely. Even for her. attraction to you. Like I think I I have no evidence to say. that this is true. It's just a feeling. I think to some degree that my partner. likes the fact that I'll stand up for. myself in certain in certain areas. And. I'll say, "No, no, no, no. This is me. time. This is for me." I agree. And I. can imagine the opposite, the passivity. or kind of rolling over. as being a really like unattractive.

thing. Absolutely. I I think where you. are laying yourself down or just rolling. over, that is that can be very. unattractive. That it's you need to have. a backbone. At the same time you can't. be so extreme that your way is the only. way. But when you choose to say, "No, no. This is. I'm going to willing to take a stand. here." Then that's. I think to me it sends a signal of. strength. Right? Strength of mind, strength of will. But for me, when you have those things. that are your hobbies, uh the things. that you really like, a sign of a good relationship is that.

she's going to be happy you get to do. those cuz they make you happy. Even. though she might hate it and think it's. annoying and it's weird and you know, you're taking up that space in the. garage and whatever. But if it makes you happy and they know. that this is your space and this is your. time because. I I you have to have those things that. fill you up. Right? And. the truth is. the marriage isn't enough, the kids. aren't enough, your jobs aren't enough. You have to have things. that personally for you by yourself. If.

your thing is to go to a pond and go. feed ducks, go do it. You know, to to be. able to fill yourself up. If you if. I I know for parents, early parents, there's this this mindset of I have to. be with my kid all the time. I I can't. ever leave my kid. That I need to just. be there. But. what you'll find is you'll be so much. better when you actually go take care of. yourself and go on that guys' trip. Uh. go play that round of golf or whatever.

it is that's actually going to. feed you and fill you up and. then I can be there for you all the. more. I think some people's partners. they don't they don't like that. Some. people are in a relationship where their. partner. cuts out. as much of these things as they possibly. can. Yeah. So that they can control. their partner. I mean we I think we've. all got a friend in the group chat. >> Oh, yeah. who. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah. >> has kind of like seems to have lost all. their freedom and their autonomy and. agency since they've been in that. relationship. >> They'd say they're on a leash. Yeah, they're on a leash. Like they can never.

come to the thing. That's not okay. And it appears to be. a consequence of boundaries. Like not. reinforcing your boundaries early. It appears to me to be a bit of a. slippery slope boundaries. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like where you. like you kind of make a concession and. because you've made a concession, they're more likely to pursue another. concession. And then before you know it, you're. behind bars. >> [laughter]. >> Alone. Yeah, and and frustrated and.

wondering how you how you got here. I know we've spoke about boundaries in. the past. To me, it it ultimately comes comes down to. am I protecting the priority? So, if I know that my marriage is the. priority, I'm going to set boundaries that protect. that. I mean for me in my life right now, whether I'm working on a a book or. speaking or podcast or whatever, it's am I setting the boundary up to be. protecting my.

my family and my relationship? So you have to first define what is the. priority here. So if the priority is. knowing. that. we want to be you and your partner want. to be in a relationship and you know. make sure that Thursday is date night. Okay, that's nothing gets scheduled on. date night. There's certain things that. just aren't movable. The answer's no. And when you can have those really hard. nos, it makes filling the time of everything. else all that much easier. But that's it.

I mean it ultimately comes down to are. you being real about it or you being. fake about it? In your view, you talk about being nice and being. kind. Um I've heard you talk about this. in your podcast. What's the difference between being a. nice person and a kind person? And which. one should I aspire to be? Stop being nice. at the expense of being real. So nice is something that we got taught. really early on. Hey, be nice. Play. nice. And if you.

believe forever and always that being. nice serves you well, you will ultimately serve it. You will people please. You will only. choose to say the nice thing. You will. Nice is very surface. If you went on a date with somebody and. I was like, "How was the date?" And you. said, "She was nice." Yuck. Yuck. Yeah, does it does that mean that was good? No, of course. But you want to say the. nice thing. And so it becomes very much.

about pleasantries of what's. something that that is politically. correct or whatever it is. Kind. is very deep. It's related to the word. kin. It's it's connection. So where nice. is concerned about surface, kind is. worried about connection. So. nice people say, "Oh, I I can't tell. them the truth. That's that wouldn't be. nice. That wouldn't be nice. I can't say that.". Kind says, "I care about you enough. to say.

the truth. That I I care about you. enough to tell you the truth." So when. you have the chance, don't choose nice. at the expense of being real. Choose the. kind thing. Like if you and I. were. in a conversation and I was like, "Oh, I. could really I could just go, 'Yeah, man. That sounds great.'". with the decision you're going to make. because I just I don't want to upset. you. That that wouldn't be nice. versus me saying, "Steven, I. I have to tell you, man. This doesn't feel right to me.".

Which one's the kind thing? Of Of. telling you the actual truth. It's being. authentic to it. So a lot of people they. they look back and they're just people. pleasing. That's all they've they've. been because they've always chosen. what's nice. Not what's kind. You must get a lot of. messages from a lot of people pleasers. All the time. And what is it they want from you? They're wanting to know how to stop. pleasing other people and to start start. pleasing themselves. Like how how to I. always say that. there's not a problem with people. pleasing as long as you're one of them.

You know, of. It's okay to do things that other people. ask you to do and you want to serve. other people. I'm not saying it in a. as a servitude way of I can never have. any of my own voice. It's. it's where. you constantly. are. put yourself in inconvenient. places for the sake of other people. hoping that they will see your true. value. So, they conflate.

the pleasure of others with the value of. themselves. And so, meaning I mean nothing to myself. if you're not happy with with me. I mean. nothing to myself if if I can't please. you. You You want this? Oh, okay, I'll. go get it. You need this? You You let me. do this? Oh, I already thought about. this. You love this. And they've forgotten. their own sense. And so, I I've met. people that have. you know, a lot of it's also early. childhood. Right? They they learned that to save. the marriage between mom and dad, they.

need to be everything to everybody. They. have to give up. They They've missed. childhood in order to please everybody. else. And so, it becomes a a pattern of. safety. It's a survival skill of knowing. for me to have to survive in this, for. me to have worth, well, I can't do it unless everybody. else is happy with me. Are there any case studies that come to. mind of people that have read your work. and have made real transformations that. have. shocked you or made you happy or proven.

to you the profundity of being able to. take control of conversation? We took a a survey, Paul, within my. membership. And it was already I think it was like. 93% of people with even in the first. three chapters of my book, it had. already significantly impacted them in. their job, their family, and exactly. what they were reading the book for. Because everybody picks it up for the. conversation they have in their mind. You know, they People don't watch my.

content to handle to know how to handle. the last conversation. They watch to. know how to handle the the next one. And so, to be able to provide the. results that they're. wanting. is a is a is a blessing. I've just finished writing my third. book. I haven't firmed up the title yet, but I have started mocking up some. different designs. And I've been doing. this with Adobe Express, which is one of. our sponsors. What I love about Adobe. Express is that it makes it so easy for. me to obsess over the tiniest details,

the typography, the font, the color, the. text placement. The stuff that might. sound petty to most people, but actually. compounds to create something that. stands out, something that's one better. than the rest. And designing my cover. art has reminded me of how many creative. things I've learned over the year, but. it's also reminded me that there are so. many creative minds around me that are. also sitting on their own secrets. So, I've created the one better guide in. Adobe Express to bring those tips to. you. And in it, you'll find principles. from the very very best in their. industry turned into quick and easy.

practices for you to apply. So, you can. train yourself to create exactly like. the best performing teams in the world. do. Just head over to adobe.ly/onebetter. to download Adobe Express now. And make. sure you visit the learn tab to discover. how you can become one better than the. rest. Is there a particular moment of conflict. which you stays with you the most when. you think about a difficult conversation. in your life? Yeah. There was one.

that I I talk about my book that was. probably the most gut-wrenching at that. time was me leaving the law firm where I. was at having to talk to my dad about. leaving that firm. But that's. let's say that's in the the book. What's. fresh for me now, you want to talk about. that? I mean, what's fresh for me now. is conversations that I've had with. my wife, with Sierra. And I'm having a hard time. reaching and she's having a hard time. reaching for me where.

I kind of just go static. Where I do feel sad. I do feel remorse. or I I'm trying to and I talk I have a. hard time expressing it. So, the best. thing I can do that mind is I use my. words. to be able to say. you know, I. I feel regret for what's happened or. what I've done. And I may not be showing. it right now, but I. this is not something I'm proud of. To. be at least able to show in my words how. I'm feeling. So, it let's say for example, it's.

about anything related to. It could be any argument really with a. a husband and a wife or a spouse or. partner or whatever it is. But we had one. not too long ago. where. we knew we were going to be. traveling for a bit. And sometimes if it's just the two of. us, what's going to happen? You're going. to. you're going to have some spats. About probably the dumbest things you. could probably have a fight about, but. that's what what happens.

And. I said to her, I was like, well, that. you know, if we do this and do that, you. know, we'll probably. we're not probably going to argue about. it. It's going to be fine. And she said to me, she said, well, either way it's good. Meaning. if you don't argue about something, great. But if we do argue about it, that's good, too. To be able to see it. as a chance to understand each other a. little bit more, to know each other a. little bit more. And.

it's it's it's not without being. radically honest um with the person you. want to be with. And that's that's hard for a lot of. people. I had a friend of mine say to me the. other day that the thing that annoys him. most about his wife is just like how. long she takes to get ready. And he like. really like offloaded it to me in a way. where I'm like, this is a problem. For him? Yeah. She just takes so long to. get ready. And she's like, which means. they're always late to things. A lot of. guys can relate to this, including. myself. But the way he said it to me was. was surprising. And I I remember.

thinking, should he just go and have. this conversation with her? Or is this. like an illegitimate concern to raise? And I think that sometimes with you. know, because you were talking about. your experience with Sierra and her. saying like either way it's a good. thing. Are all arguments. warranted? Like is that argument, you. take too long to get ready and it's. pissing me off. Is that. a valid thing. to raise with your partner? In therapy, they say if it's hysterical, it's historical.

Meaning if it's really that big of a. deal, then there's probably something. deeper going on. If it's really. affecting you that much, it's like those people who say, well, he's always pushing my buttons. I ask, why is there a button? You know, it's if if it's always getting. you worked up, there's probably. something deeper that you're not. noticing. It's probably related to something that. happened when he was a kid. Or something. that Maybe it's. Here, let me give a good example. You know, in and our marriage,

I'm the spender. She's the saver. Okay. >> She She can turn a penny to a dime. All right? She can pinch a penny into a dime. And she got really frustrated with me of. like, why do you always need the nicest. thing? All right? And that's typically if she's. has an option of several things, even if I don't know the price tags, I. typically end up going with the one. that's most expensive. And that. infuriates her. All right? Because she. she wouldn't do that. She's going to. wait for it to go on sale. If she could.

have something she really wants, and. she's just going to track it forever in. her mind until it goes on sale. And. that's that gives her a satisfaction. Me, I'll just go buy it. And I'm not saying I'm crazy uh what's. I'm not like some crazy spender. But. this is an issue that has always. bothered her and bothered me. And what we had come to find out, we had. actually used this with my AI actually, but. what we had come to learn. is that.

the reason why it affected me so much of. like, why why do you always choose to. the nice thing? is related to when I was a kid, as the oldest, I I didn't get much of the the nice. thing. My My stuff was typically. hand-me-down from a friend or something. else or I I didn't get the nice thing. And at some point along the way, you. equate that to your sense of worth. And so, when I first had the ability to. pay for anything for myself, yeah, I I I. bought the on-brand.

cornflakes. You know, I bought the the. the on-brand uh medication. Because to me, that that was equal to. how I wanted others to perceive me. And. so, when she realized that oh, it's not. just me wanting to splurge or have some. kind of. you know, you just think you. um have to buy the best. It was like, no, that's actually it's a reflection of. when you buy me something nice, I feel. like you equate that to how much.

value I I hold I'm not worth buying. something nice for. And so, it was. related a lot to my stuff. And we got to. talk the same about her stuff of why she. doesn't want to buy the thing. So, it's. It's like that. Having these super. conversations with your friend of why is. it bother her when she gets takes. forever to get dressed, well, most. likely. it's related to something in his past. that's bothered him that he's not seeing. yet. Or the conversation worth having? Yeah, I think it's absolutely worth.

having. If it's bothering you that much, yeah. It If it's hysterical, it's. historical. I think that's really good point, which. is we're all just dealing with. other people's inner child. Like we're. all dealing with It's just like me as a. child facing you as a child. I know we. look like adults now. I have gray hair, but. it's really still us just playing out. the stories and narratives from our. childhood often times. >> You're exactly right. They they say in. therapy the worst thing about parents is. that they had parents. You know, I mean they they it's so easy.

for me just to look at my mom. and me forget that she had parents. You. know, that. what they did to her. Rather than me just looking at what my. parents have done to me. You know, and and that's the definition. of the generational cycle. And it's choosing to do something. different. with with who you are and who you want. to be and who how you want to raise the. next generation. But we're it's it's all. survival skills. It's all childhood trauma that's related.

to when people. I have a section in my book of. having people define out. their own. the the communication skills they saw. growing up. Because most of the time if you feel. like. arguments have to be this big shouting. match and everybody's yelling and it's. it's also typically cultural, you know, of how certain cultures how they argue. and how loud it is and if everybody. versus there's some cultures and.

families that it's very quiet. Like I I. I'll never forget going to a friend's. house. I was about seven and his parents. while we're eating cereal like just had. at it. And I was mortified. Like. >> Arguing. >> Arguing. Arguing. And I mean. yelling at each other. And I am like blown away and mortified. and my friend is just eating cereal like. it ain't bothering him whatsoever. It's. just another Tuesday. You know, and. whereas I grew up with if my parents.

argued it was going to be in their. bedroom. You know, I knew if they they were going. to they went to close the door and they. were going to have. a conversation that they didn't want us. to hear. And so everybody has been. modeled something different where. the like there's I've seen it on the. negative side where people feel like. you don't really love me unless you want. to fight with me. It's because that's all they've been. modeled. Fights. They have to say the. most hurtful thing. They need to be in. tears. They need to be saying horrible.

things to each other for them to feel. any kind of love. And I've also seen it where. people are wallflowers. They don't want. to say anything. They want to. be really hesitant because bad things. happen when they spoke out at home. They they realized that telling the. truth. wasn't good for them. They they they. learned that lies protected them. It's. interesting when you have one parent. that conducted themselves in a certain. way and the other parent was the. opposite. Yeah. >> What then happens to you? Like which.

communication style you then adopt? Which parent takes more of an interest. in you. Is where it typically goes. The one. you're most of the time with. And see, I. know people who their parents are kind. of absent but they spend a lot of time. with their grandmother. And so I know a. guy who he sounds just like his southern. grandmother from Kentucky. You know, because that's who he spent most of his. time with. And so it's it's who takes the most. interest in you. It's it's where the.

parents. But I what I find so. interesting in communication we talk. everything is learned from how we were. raised. Is at one point in time there was a. utility to what you were doing. There. was a utility to lying. It protected. you. Protected maybe your mom. Protected. maybe your dad. There's utility to it. There's a utility to manipulating. To be. able to say things weren't this way in. order to keep the family together. So.

there was a utility to the very skill. that you still have and eventually it. catches up with you. What is it about our communication do. you think that makes us accidentally. disliked by other people? It sounds fake. It sounds fake. And how. does it sound fake? Give me. give me some color. Mhm. If you want to know the secret if. somebody's being fake with you, there's. really three things that you got to. know. Number one. is what I call. bestie bombing. Bestie bombing?

>> Yeah. So instead of like love bombing. it's bestie bombing. I have people who. come to me all the time of I feel like. somebody's being fake with them. And. what they're doing is is oh my gosh, I. just we're we're literally the same. person. Oh, I think we're best friends. It's we just met. Like I just we I Or. you talk we're just standing next to. each other at the same party and you're. like oh, we've got to go. Oh my gosh, we. you're my best you're my soulmate. And. it's like they. they give way too much right out of the. gate of how much they love you. Ah, yeah. >> And it's it's nothing it's not what.

secure people do. Secure people don't. attach to you instantly. Is it not a. form of manipulation? No, it's a form of insecurity. It's it's. a form because if it would be. manipulation if they actually meant it. It they but they don't. It's it's. these inauthentic relationships that. all of a sudden it's like oh my gosh, we. we're we're going to be best friends. I. I love you so much. And you're like. I. I'm I don't even know you I don't even. know your last name. What are you what.

are you talking about? So I you see that. a lot. Two is the over compliments. We all have this sixth sense to be able. to sniff out. if. that's real or not. Like nobody needs to. teach you if it's a fake laugh or not. Like you know what I mean? Like yeah. >> [laughter]. >> I don't know was that a real or not. Steve? It's so funny yeah, cuz we we think we. can spot everyone else's fake laugh and. they can spot ours. >> [laughter]. >> Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly. right. It's like but nobody had to teach. that to you. Nobody had to say hey, if.

you hear it like this it's a fake laugh. No, no, no. We all as humans it's we. have an ability a sense to go and ah, that didn't sound real. That's not a. real smile. You know, people have their like photo. smile and the real smile. Yeah. And same. with the the the laughter. Or like. that's not that wasn't that funny. Or. they over compliment something. They. compliment your shoes. I mean and then they have really they go. oh my gosh, I I I love that outfit and. then all of a sudden they've turned. their head. You know what I mean? They're not really truly engaged in what.

it is. It's just it's it's a ritual to. them of that's how they have learned. Because to me if you have to perfectly. curate yourself this this sense of. perfection you you're not getting. the real human. You're getting a person. in character. You're getting them in and. scene. You know, they have to like get. into it. And so. it's it's. it's something that's so so fake every.

every single time. And then I'd the. third that you have to watch out for are. the people that aren't willing to. actually have an interest in you. Meaning they never ask anything about. you. They're only wanting to talk about. themselves. Like have you ever been in a I know you. have and you're networking in a big room. and somebody's looking at you and all of. a sudden they're looking at the room. Like they're. they're looking for who they're going to. talk to next. And you've lost them. And so it's like. why we're both just kind of here saying.

things. We're going to slow down our. words so it's not as awkward and you say. things like yeah, that's that's crazy. Yeah, and like while you're both looking. for somebody else to talk to. But that's. what happens. You realize you stay you. come out of focus and they they're. looking for the next person. A really. surprising point of. feedback or compliment someone gave me. once and it's surprising because I never. considered it to be something that. people were noticing is when I do like. meet and greets and you're meeting say a. hundred people before or after a talk or.

whatever and they're coming up one one. at a time. I will get DMs. in the preceding days of people telling. me that they liked the way that they. watched me pay attention to someone. else. Do you get this? >> All the time. >> Yeah, and it's like. they're watching how how interested you. are in the person that's talking to you. And I didn't I didn't obviously it's not. something I thought about before until. probably had about 20 messages over the. last. year or two from people saying and do. you know what I noticed Steven? How much.

you were paying attention to the person. that spoke to you. >> Right. Not to them. Exactly. They were. in the line waiting. >> [laughter]. >> But it's the and I just thought that's. so interesting that we judge other. people by how they interact with other. people while we're watching as well. Right. And being interested is seen as. makes you likeable I guess. Presence is the highest form of. authenticity. Like I can talk to you, but am I here. with you? Mhm. If I do I have my eyes with you? Am. I my interested in you? Am I going to it.

do am I easily distracted? Am I have my. phone? Am I am I really paying attention. or am I making sure that you know you. were the most important thing that's. happening in this moment even if it's a. glimmer. And even if it's for 30 20. seconds and you're doing a meet and. greet and you're saying hi or are you're. signing their book. Do you ask them. their name? Do you use their name? Do you look at them with intent of true. genuine thank you for being here? None of this would happen if not for.

you. People are watching the whole time. and they they they know. I mean it's it's it's such a. It's like what you know it when you feel. it kind of thing. And to me is it's. presence. Am I am I truly here with you? Because even at the house, you know, I. you can say I'm home all the time, but. are you are you just like on your phone? Are you just sitting on the couch? Are. you always reading? Are you. That's not presence. I'm going to play. this video on the screen for anyone. that's watching the video. But it.

immediately made me think of. this clip that went viral of Miley Cyrus. and Naomi Campbell. Oh, I haven't seen. this. They were doing a meet and greet. together and they were just chatting to. each other and kind of ignoring the. fans, and you can. I just remember thinking this is like. the antithesis of what we've just said. Mhm.

It's painful to watch. I know it's. painful for the people. I mean I It's. several layers of where. one, it's an area of really. little forgiveness. You know, if you think of somebody of of. her caliber, so to say, of like her. celebrity, right? Seen thousands, millions. It's happened and is there. really room for. just having a conversation with. somebody? Like if I were if you're her, how do you What would be the. justification, right? If you could just.

pause and say, "What is it?" Maybe you. say, "Well, there isn't any." Okay, that's fine. But let's say one. when it comes to presents, there's really not any room for. forgiveness. It's It's either you're. present with them or you're you're not. because this kind of thing can last. forever. Second of all, people will forget what you did, but. they'll never forget how you made them. feel. And. people will remember you, Stephen, of.

they will tell their kids and their. grandkids of the time that they met you. and how nice you were, how present you. were, and how you were genuinely interested in. them. And that makes all the difference. If you have one slip-up, that's why I say it's it's not very. forgivable. When when you have one. slip-up, it's showing applied to all. Cuz if you can do it to them, you can do. it to me. The slip-up will also travel much. further. Faster, too. Yeah, faster. That. because because I guarantee you, you.

know, you think of all the meet and. greets that somebody like that has had, and has had genuine, real interest. They. mess up one time, they get tired one. time. Well, then all of a sudden, that's what. travels way faster. So, but the thing is. that that's why I say presence is the. highest form of authenticity because if. you can take that moment to be truly. interested in somebody because who am I? You know, I'm I'm a guy from a small. town who made videos in my car, and. you're going to come to my book signing,

and you traveled, and you flew in 2. hours. Like, why would I not hold up, take the line Let me spend 3 minutes. with you. Can I give 3 minutes of my. life to talk to you? What are you doing. here? And so, when you have. that humility, and there's several. people. I know you know many names. of. they they forgot how they got what they. got. Oh, yeah. I have a really interesting example of. this recently where we appointed new. chairman to our company. He's called.

Nikki. And. incredible guy, he's been at like he's. been. Procter & Gamble doing product for I. don't know, 12 years, then went to. Boston Consulting Group. was one of the senior figures at Boston. Consulting Group for 25 years. And you. know, he's in the the the home stretch. of his career. And he joined our company, and. he is, you know, he's achieved so much. He's He's worked with the biggest, the. best in the world globally. Right.

So, he's got the right, one would say, >> Mhm. I like that word. >> a certain way. That's what someone might say. But I'm over here in Los Angeles. Um he joins the company as chairman, and the interesting thing the. interesting feedback I got, I know, 5,000 mi away, was a very junior member of the team. came up to me and said, "Oh, I love. Nikki." And I was like, "Explain.". And he went, "He sat down with me. and gave me an hour of his time.". That was the reason he loved him. That.

was it. That was it. It was presence. And and what what I. later [clears throat] found out was that. Nikki went into the company, and there. was hundreds of people, and he sat down with every single one of. them, regardless of whether you're an. intern or whether you're the CEO. And it. always it's always stayed with me how. much that has mattered, how much that has shaped his perception. Just Just He's brilliant and everything, but disproportionately shaped his. perception just by. giving someone the most valuable thing, which is just their time. Yes. And I'm I mean, maybe it's a a story of.

how to be a good partner. Maybe it's a. story of how to be, [laughter]. you know, in the public eye. Right. Maybe it's also a story of how to be a. great colleague or team member or. leader. Yeah. Or just a great human. >> [laughter]. >> I think. there is um. when you're always in the habit of. giving, giving then feels a lot like receiving. So, when I'm giving my time, it also feels like I'm receiving that. time back. When I can continually have.

that spirit, and you have that knowledge of. humility. They say, "What does humility. mean?" It means you realize that you are. just as weird and terrible as everybody. else. When you realize. I'm I'm the chief worst person there is. I'm not better than a single person that. is in line to to do or attend something. or sit in an audience. I'm no better. I've just been through a lot. Still been through a lot, and so I know.

a lot. And when you have that mindset of. I want to meet and touch every single. person. If I were to come in here. and. only talk to you, but not talk to your team? Mhm. >> [clears throat]. >> What is What do you think that's going. to do? When when you can go somewhere. and not just talk to who's the most. popular, but also talk to who's the least? Like. it's it is. You will always get way more.

and for yourself and for the other. person when you can lower yourself to. say, "Hey, we're just humans in a room. How's. it going?". It's interesting that we. we're figuring people out by how we. observe them vicariously. We were. talking about it in the context of like. a meet and greet a second ago. Yeah. What you said there tracks perfectly. with that, which is when you walked in. the room, you didn't just speak to me, you also asked Bertha, who's recording. the podcast today, what her name was, and then you said to Bertha, you said, "Thank you for doing this." Right. Now,

isn't it funny that I remember? Yeah, and yeah. >> Isn't it funny that that was like 2 and. 1/2 hours ago, and I remember because it. was really memorable to me that you did. that? >> Mhm. Because not everybody does that. Yeah. Not everybody will, you know, notice that. Bertha's in the room with. us, and she's running all these cameras, and she's putting it together, but for. some reason just before we started. recording, you made a point of asking. her what her name was, and then and then. thanking her for doing this today. Yeah. Most people don't do that. That funny? And as you walk away from today, I'm not. going to remember like that you you. walked in and said something nice about. me or whatever. The most shocking thing,

and therefore the most memorable, because it is the most unusual, because. it is typically the most overlooked, is. you acknowledging the other people. Yeah. And um. I've noticed this as a paradox that I. almost need to put words to, but I. remember. in. something I wrote a long time ago saying. how useless absurdity will define you. more than useful practicality. And what. I mean by that is the example I was. giving was in the context of my old gym.

where they have this massive climbing. wall in the entrance, and I came home to. my girlfriend and said, "This is. incredible gym. It's massive. They even. have a 100-ft climbing wall in the. entrance." What I'm doing is I'm. pointing at the most absurd thing. to give you a shortcut that tells you. everything about that gym. Now, if I. point at the most absurd thing, you know. the gym is big. >> I got chills. Yeah, yeah. So good. Yes. If I say there's 100-ft climbing wall, you know there's lots of running. machines, right? So, if I if I when I. leave here and go, "He was so nice. He. even spoke to Bertha and thanked her for.

doing the podcast." I'm using that as a. shortcut because it's the most stand-out. absurd thing to tell other people. everything about you. >> Yes. I love that. >> And this is why we should value the the. seemingly petty and seemingly small and. seemingly inconsequential because other. people don't, therefore it creates. maximal impact. Yes. That's why the big. conversations rarely matter. The small. ones do. It's the small ones with. strangers. It's the conversations you. don't have on the stage. It's the. conversations you have in your driveway. It's the conversations you have in your. backyard, at the coffee shop. It's It's.

the conversations you have with somebody. passing by in the elevator. Like it's. those. That That's what defines the human. experience. If I were to. text you a compliment, right? That's one. thing. But if I were to say, "Hey, I. just finished lunch with so-and-so, who. you also know, I got to tell you, this. person loves you so much." And and I. share with you what they said about you, you're going to take that differently. If I wanted to give you Let's say if. someone were to give me a gift, right?

But instead, they didn't give it to me, they gave it to my kids. I mean, that's. how much more would that define how much. they care? Right? If it's anytime I go. on a a stage, I make it a priority that. I know the guy who's or girl who's. putting on my the AV system, the lapel. mic, the everything. I want to know. their name, on a how how many times. they've done this today, how they're. doing, because it's so easy just to turn. and. keep talking to who's important while. and act like they're just doing it. Like.

it's. when you can truly talk to the people. that's just a regular person and forget. that you you don't have to just stick to. the somebodies. You don't have to look. always for the somebodies. I used to say. that I Again, this comes from employing. a lot of people that we all have. invisible PR, and it's and it shows up in the moments. that matters the most, but it's built in. the moments that seem to matter the. least. Yeah. And the example I always. think of is being working in the New. York office many years ago, and getting.

a message from my team member just. saying, "Oh, Jenny's so nice. She just. Tim tripped over, and Jenny immediately. got up from her desk and ran across to. the first aid kit and sorted him out. She's so nice. And I'd hear that 3,000. mi away. And then a year later I'd be. sat with Jenny during her promotion. conversation. Yeah. And that one. thing she did that small thing she did. was often the time where I'd go, "Do you. know what? This person is a certain type. of person and we should Right. >> double down on them." And then I've got.

the opposite as well. I've got the a little thing someone did. to someone who was not necessarily their. line manager or significant Yeah. And it. you know. and even things that happened to me. years ago when I came up to I walked up. to someone famous I've. told this story before it's so crazy I. told this story on the podcast like. episode 3. >> [laughter]. >> when no one listened. And then um. like 3 4 years later the podcast got. bigger and people started listening to. people go back to the old episodes. Mhm.

And this famous person tweeted me like 4. years later I was like, "I heard you're. talking about me in the UK blah blah. blah.". But it I was I was just sharing it as an. example for like invisible PR where. someone I'd gone up to someone famous. and asked them a question and they just. like. bang. Yeah. Like leaning to me. Right. And I and I you know I don't know what. they're going through that day but it it. always you know Well that's Well that. brings it around like full circle. because. like we just said you can have those. little moments where.

it's it's the rock wall right where it. little moments of connection of presence. of real authenticity of them being with. you that you'll remember forever. And I bet if I had to guess there's a. moment in Steven at the playground. growing up that it or a teacher somebody. in your life said something that was. nice and you've remembered forever. Oh. yeah. But I. would also venture to bet Yes, before. you even said I could I thought of the. moment.

that. >> Oh okay. playground Steven where. somebody said something. hurtful. Yeah. Or rude or said something. about how you look or your appearance. Maybe not even recess but sometime in. your life. Oh yeah. And it was just. something maybe it was about. for a lot of people it's like their. weight or their appearance or their. looks. and they've carried that around with. them forever and that like. without knowing it that person gave you. an insecurity for the rest of your life. And so it's so wild to me how the.

positive is remembered. the negative. is remembered much longer and travels a. lot farther. And I mean it's when I ask that to a. group that I'm talking to. there's hands are always way more raised. for the negative for the one thing that. the power of your words. last way longer than than you'd ever. think. The ripple effect will affect. people you've never met. I mean you think think of the people who. you've touched. and the people you've never met but yet.

they have a perception of you. based three persons down. Mhm. Right? And and how I talk to my kids will. affect how they talk to their kids and. their kids. Children I'll never meet. And when you realize that. how I talk to the person behind the. cashier affects how. he or she talks to their kids when they. go home. based on what I said will determine. whether they come home and say, "I had a. really bad day. I had a really hard day.". And it it's because of what I said.

because I was rude or I was impatient. because it they didn't get it to me fast. enough. And all of a sudden without knowing just. as much as the positive last so does the. negative. It's now I. what I chose to say is. responsible for how they're treating. their own kids. And that's what how we are as humans, right? Like we the reason why we. survived is because we're good at. gossip. That too. We're good at passing. on stories so. you know I could tell people before they. met you if you were a risk. No, yeah. >> I could tell you know don't go near him.

don't go near that cave there's Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> in there that's going to kill us so. Right. It's a survival adaptation I. guess in some respects to be gossipy and. to pass on people's reputations. But. we've always asked, "What's the news?". Yeah. You know people going through town. from town to town you know you didn't. you didn't really have a paper it's do. you have any news? So I'm going to push you to close to. give me. the five things that you think are most. important. for anyone who's striving to be a. masterful. communicator conversationalist.

to get what they want out of life. Which. is really what I think is it is the last. domino when we talk about body language. or communication tactics all the things. we're talking about. I think people are. trying to get something out of life. whether it's to have a better. relationship or to. be respected or what get a promotion to. be successful. I think that's probably. the the output we're looking for. Mhm. Ultimately. Do you agree with that? I. don't want to. Like what is it that. what's the last domino. that people are looking for when they. talk about this stuff up here?

Self-worth. Self-worth, okay. Am I Am I. enough? Am I enough? Okay. So what are the what are the five most. important things to summarize if you had. to give me five? The first. is authenticity. If I cannot be genuine with you if I. cannot be real with you. then I can be nobody to you. And on authenticity. you know on your bad day are you still. authentic? At work? Yes. Like if you're. if you're really.

you know having a bad [clears throat]. day do you show up to work as your. authentic self? I would say yes. I mean there's. obviously certain parameters that are. within social norms of. just because I'm having a a bad time and. I'm a bad mood does that give me a right. to. rip you a new one uh just because you. said hello to me that morning? You know. no but. I I think that there is certainly a. space to say. don't act. like you're happy when you're not. What. about lying? Is that a violation of. authenticity? So a colleague comes up to. me they say.

"What do you think of my new. haircut?" And you think it's terrible. Yeah. What do you what do you say? It's an interesting choice. >> [laughter]. >> Probably what I'd say. So you wouldn't. lie? No, I wouldn't. I would probably. change it to where it's I'm glad that. they like it. You know I I don't have to like it for. you to give it any type of worth. If you. like it that's awesome. Authenti- authenticity as a strategy. builds trust over time so that's. a long-term game I guess. Yeah, no I I.

came across some research uh recently. where it was in social settings those. that are more authentic are also the. ones that are more trusted and the ones. you want to be around more. Why do people struggle with. authenticity? Goes back to this point. about people-pleasing I guess but. there is a certain type of person I. think that probably struggles to just be. uh. you know just to show up in all the ways. that they. they are. to be themselves. They grew up.

in places that weren't safe. whether. physically or emotionally. They they grew up unsafe and so they're. always tense. They're always anxious. They're always worried about the next. shoe to drop. They can't rest. You see people that had come. from very hard harsh environments. you'll see the survival skills that have. come out of that. Um. it's because they they simply didn't.

have a place to be safe. Number two. Reduce the amount of distraction. Reduce. distraction. Is that the same as saying. like increase presence? Well that is the the benefit of it. Yeah. If you want to increase your presence. you have to eliminate distractions. And that means eliminate how often. you're on your phone. I've got some thread here. Do you know why this is here?

Yes. Will you explain? Well I mean. so. just a piece of very pretty red string. And this string is going to represent. the connection between the two of us. So. I'll give you the end of it. What I just gave you is a piece of. string and it connects. between your hand and my hand and it's. taut right now. So this string right now. represents the connection between us in. conversation. It's tight. It's very. tight. I'm going to ask questions. throughout this that.

don't think about. how what the right answer is. Just go. with what your gut instinct of how it. feels. So right now it's tight and if I. look at you in the eye and I say, "Steven, how's it going, man?". It's going good. Yeah. >> Yeah? What was something that frustrated. you yesterday? My haircut didn't go to plan. Tell me. about it. It's just not it's not good I didn't. like it. Do you find that some of the the biggest. struggles you had yesterday was mostly. with business or personal or tell me. something with business.

Um. >> [sighs]. >> the struggles with business yesterday. >> going to. Go ahead. Okay, so you're on your phone now. And the connection has been reduced. Um Yeah, so I just pulled out my phone. And now I'm looking and what did you. feel in the line? I felt like the. tightness went it went loose. Yeah, it. went slack. All right and but that's the. physical. What was emotionally how did. that feel? It felt disrespectful. Yeah. And see if I had just both had both.

hands on it like this. Now let's put it taut again and I'm. talking to you. and I say, "So what's what are you. looking forward to this weekend?". I'm looking forward to. No, go ahead. And this is me just turn. it's still tight. Don't worry it's I. still I'm connected to you. No, don't. worry about it. I'm I'm right here. Go. ahead. Yeah. >> [laughter]. >> Exactly. You see how all of a sudden you. wanted to let go now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, for anybody listening. So you we. both had it tight. I look at my phone. while still holding it tight where I'm. saying, "No, no, I'm listening. Go go. right ahead." And all of a sudden.

you are the one that let go of the line. Yeah. And that's something because all. of a sudden, you gave up on the. conversation. You didn't want to be in. it anymore. What do you typically do if. somebody's at dinner with you and they. pull out their phone? I mean, you look away or you could speak. to someone else or you Or you pull out. your phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. You It's like they've given you. permission to now pick up their phone. Somebody gets on theirs and you don't. want to look awkward or odd, so what do. you You want me to get out yours and. next thing you know, both of you are on.

your phones. at dinner. We're supposed to be communicating with. each other and you're just staring at. your phone. Do you think I sometimes think this with. me being an interviewer having this iPad. in front of me? I'm like, should I get. rid of the iPad? Maybe I should because I write things. down while someone's speaking to me and. I I do worry sometimes. that if I'm like looking at a particular. point or fact or whatever, then I'm. It's a little bit different. So, there's. a part of this that is. it's it's a production. We have cameras. We have lights. Like this isn't a normal.

just if you and I were having coffee. But let's say you and I were having. lunch. and I'm talking like this to you and I. put my phone right here. Do you feel a difference? >> Yeah, I do. Yeah. Do you feel I'm more. connected or less connected? >> Less connected. Yeah, and if I. >> priority, not the priority. And do you. feel any different if I. flip it over? Yes, I do. And my face is. it's it's down. Yes, I do. It's a. signal. Of? That you think this is more important. and you don't want to be distracted. Imagine, what would you feel like.

if. you were on a date. or got together with a friend. and you just said, "Hey, where's your. phone?" He said, "Oh, I just left it in. the car. I just want to sit with you.". Yeah, it's incredible. Does anybody do. that? No. No. Nobody does that. But. imagine Imagine if right now. there was. uh let's say a woman is about to go on a. date. and. she asked the guy, "Where's your phone?". And he goes, "Oh, I left it in the left. it in the car.".

I mean, what kind of What? >> kind of weird? >> Yeah, almost like, "What? You mean you. want to be solely interested in me? I'm. signaling that there's nothing else more. important than what's going on right. here." So, it's that's so such atypical. behavior some people might see it as a. red flag. >> I No, that's probably true. But if I. have it right here, even if I put it. face down on the table and I'm talking. to you, I'm at least still having my world, my. business, my stress, my chaos. It's my. it's my pacifier. You don't You can't. ask me to take away my blanket, are you?

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And so, I'm still. it's still there in the conversation. with us. So, even if I put it down or. put it between my legs or put it in my. pocket, which I think is much better of. not letting it come out at all, but it's. what's the strength of the connection? Because we've all been that person like. we just showed with the string where. they get out their phone while you're. talking and they're like, "Mhm, yeah, yeah. Uh-huh, right? Go ahead.". And you go, "I don't want this." Yeah. You let go because it's like what That's. this isn't real this isn't real. connection. So, if you want to be a.

better communicator, you have to. understand the definition of true. connection. It's keeping it taught. I'm so shocked when I go to restaurants. with my girlfriend cuz we have a rule. and this is actually rule that I. completely agreed with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> Which is like when we go on a date or we. go to a restaurant, there's no phones. Exactly. We're not going to be on our. phones in a restaurant. >> It's mind-blowing. Mind-blowing. >> We went to um when we were here We've. been here all this week and and we went. to a restaurant, uh Sierra and I, and I. saw so many couples and people and. friends and that were just at the table.

and it it was it was dark evening and. all you see is the glow of phones. It's. everybody just sitting there on their. phone. It's just it's it's crazy to me. Or or. the people that are on their couch. with the TV on. and both of them are on their phones. And and they're supposed to be watching. a movie together. You know, everyone people watches a. little bit Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah. So, I'm not going to pretend we. don't. Yeah, this is that I'm not going. to do that. I'm going to Yeah, yeah. But. so, we we will be in a restaurant and we. just sometimes play a little game where. we kind of guess how long people have.

been together based on how they're. behaving. >> Oh, I like that. Yeah, that's fun. And. so, it's it tends to be the case that. it's the younger couples. where there's a man and a woman and. they're both on their phone and I just. can't believe what I'm seeing. Yeah, it's pretty wild. I'm I look I got my. phone a lot, but if I'm on a date, I am not going to be sat there looking. at a screen while she's sat there. looking at a screen just in total. silence. If even if I've known this. woman for 35 years, Yeah. It's become so much of a an emotional. pacifier. When I don't like the angst of.

having to wait in line by myself, I. don't like having to sit on the. the subway or the tube or the metro or. whatever by myself, I I get out I get. out my phone. I don't It It prevents me. from having to have. dialogue. So, instead, I'd rather just. look at my phone and watch and scroll. versus communicating. Like. it there's Imagine waiting for your. haircut and everybody in the room is. actually. talking to one another like they used. to. And they'd just be wild to you.

Everybody in the doctor's office in the. waiting room, everybody's. looking at their phone. So, yeah, to me, it's such a distraction and that means. even at the house, too. I think even. more so when it comes to the house. So, that was point number two, which was. reducing distraction. And therefore, increasing presence. Three, stop over explaining. You have to invest in the right words, meaning. if you are constantly just. rushing words the whole time,

does it make you want to listen to that. person more or less? Oh, yeah. I mean, you just kind of. discount it. >> Yeah, yeah, all of a sudden, it's it's. kind of like the that story about the. boy who cried wolf. Like he You You talk. so much that at the message gets lost. If I'm always. talking a lot, it's easy to tune it out. It's like it. becomes its own static. But if you. choose your words, if I'm going to slow. down. So, how do you How do you stop. yourself from over explaining?

Instead of being a waterfall, be a well. Meaning rather than trying to gush out. information, get them swept away in your. message. You have a confidence in holding your. knowledge. If they have a question, they'll ask. You're available for the. question should they want to ask. I'm. going to give you always exactly what. you need if I choose to be a well with. my information rather than just gushing. Because when I over explain, all somebody's doing is indicating that.

I don't really know if I believe what. I'm saying or you believe what I'm. saying, so I need to say more. I notice. there's such power in when someone asks. you a question. taking a moment to think. And actually, sometimes I notice some people will. actually say, "Let me just think about. that." Mhm. And the minute they do that, I'm I'm immediately doing the opposite. of discounting what they say. I'm now. actually. at bated breath to think about to hear. this very thoughtful, considered thing. they're about to share with me. Right. Whereas you see a lot of people do the. opposite. The minute they're asked. anything, it's just like the floodgates. open and they start filling the silence.

with and they start thinking out loud. Exactly. They're They're external. thinkers. What I teach is let your first. word. be your breath. Meaning when you put a breath where the. first word should be, hm, everything else. flows. If I start gushing, what I'm signaling is. you know, I don't Most people wait until. they're talking to figure out what they. want to say. Yeah. [sighs]. And so, they say, "What I mean to say is.

What I say all that to say". because they're still trying to figure. it out. But if you were to ask me a really hard. question and rather than having that. knee-jerk reaction, I go, "It's a good question. Let me think.". Then you're going to be you're going to. be in it. You're going to know whatever. is about to come out is actually been. thought about. It's actually going to be. something you want to listen to. Now. you're going to be more curious. Now you. wait with bated breath of what's going. to happen. So, when you think of.

business meetings, the person who goes, "Oh, actually, uh. you know, I I disagree with that. If you. look at our latest studies" and they. just start blah blah blah blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah blah. versus when somebody asks, you know, "Steven, what do you think?" And you go. and you just hold that silence. It's. like a cliffhanger. Everybody wants to. hear. what you said. But people who are. confident, they don't have to say. something. to show they know something. They choose their moment. They choose.

their timing. It appears they're also the people that. are most likely to turn around and say, "I don't have the answer to that." Yep. People who are truly confident. know they don't always have to get it. right. They know that they will get it. wrong. Confident people. Confidence does not mean you have to. know all the answers. Confidence means. you know that you don't. When you have the confidence of knowing. I don't know everything, all of a sudden, you sound a lot more. real. There's also something about you just.

being the type of person that's willing. to sit in silence, but also just take up. more space and time. That signals. respect. The very fact that you would. have the audacity to say, "Someone asks. me a question and I go hm, let me just. think about that for a second.". Yeah. It means that I'm not You You. talked about rushing earlier. I don't. rush. And there's something about quite aura. about that. >> Mhm, there we go. >> About the fact that you you you're not. the type of You're the type of person. that can just take 7 seconds. Right. Cuz. you are it's your you're kind of. stealing 7 seconds. from.

everyone there. Right. >> So, that you can think. And you would think that the the harder. the issue, the more time that is. necessary. You would think, yeah. And. instead, everybody's equated it to. immediate. I I think when let's say we're on a. a ship and it we're in the middle of a. storm, who's the person that they all look to. to say, "I'm freaking out. I'm scared.". But the captain isn't. You know, they he. this person knows. He she knows.

And we're constantly looking for that. person in times of emotional stress. We're we're wanting someone to. I I'm too anxious, but I can go to this. person because in times of crisis they. say you walk, don't run. You know, I I'm when I act like I've. been there before and I've seen this, I'm telling everybody else, "Oh, well, all of he's not worried, I shouldn't be. worried. If he's not upset, I don't have. to be upset." And a lot of doctors, a. lot of professionals that deal with.

conflict and crisis management, it's their job. to be as calm as could be because if. they. reacted in a way that set you off or set. you on edge, well, then there's no. there's no anchor and then it's. and then it's a bad place to be. But. yeah, just having that Let me think. about that for a second. Has a different tone of, "Oh, wow, this. person. they know who they are. They I don't. rush. That's just not what I do." It. reminds me of.

every time I've had turbulence on a. plane and I've looked at the flight. attendant to see if this thing is going. down. That's so [laughter] good. Yes. I've done that I I can't tell you how. many times I've done that where I'm. looking at the the hostess like just. walking going still passing out snacks. and not bothered. I'm like, "Okay, if if. he's not bothered, We do that in conversation every day. We're we're looking for. the calm flight attendants. We're. looking for the anchors, the captains, the people who in times of stress and. turbulence in our life we can look to. and say, "If they're okay and if they're good,

then I'm then I can be good." And when. you can be that person for others, You're a leader. Yeah, always. You are. the leader. Mhm. This is probably the. defining trait of I think people that I. have employed over the years that I. would consider a leader or not a leader. is how different they are when [ __ ] has. hit the fan. Yes. And if there is. seemingly no difference. in the way they're conducting. themselves, leader. Yep. Emotional. regulator. They bring the temperature. down. And then you have the inverse. Where the minute any kind of sign of.

trouble, there's stress, there's. there's overwhelm and it's contagious. And what they need is the calm flight. attendant to regulate them. >> Right. So, I think and people I think. who want to be leaders in their. professional lives should really think. about this. Like, how do you show up. when things are hard? I I always tell. the story of one of my friends called. Oliver who when I employed him. must have been 7 8 years ago. Okay, he. wasn't my friend when I hired him. But. the defining trait of Oliver was that. he would deliver me.

good and bad news. uh the same. Yeah. With the same sort of. nonchalant calm. demeanor. So, he'd walk up to me and. say, "You know, we've just signed Uber. across America. We're going to be the da. da da." And then the days where. everything was on fire, he'd walk up to. me and say, "Same kind of chat?" I'd. say, "Yeah, yeah, cool." He'd say, "Just. so you know." And then he'd deliver some. of the worst [ __ ] I've ever heard in my. entire life. But he'd do it in such a.

calm way that I both I was calm. and I thought he had it under control. Right. And I remember always thinking, "I need to put more people under this. guy Mhm. because he's going to bring us. down." And so, I just think as employers. I I I I wouldn't have known. that my boss or my employer is thinking. this unless someone had said it to me. They're watching how I deal. with what with things when [ __ ] hits the. fan. They're always watching. >> Always. I mean, you take people that are. are watching you and your team. You have. large team. When when you are. um upset and anxious,

everybody feels it. It spreads. [clears throat]. But if you're the one that's calm, it. that spreads, too. And so, it's. And and you have to get to the situation. where if you're upset, then people know it's something to be. upset about. You know, of if. you know, I had um a friend in college. He was. upset about everything. I mean, he just. was a hothead. And he'd get upset about. the smallest things. How can you. possibly tell the difference between. what is a small thing and a big thing if.

you're always having the same level of. reaction? But if you have a calmness, and let's say then you have an explosion. because it happens cuz you're human, that's when people know, "Oh, this is. something serious." Mhm. Because if you. always operate at a 10, nobody's going. to appreciate it when it's really an 11. When you think about like military. generals and leaders, they also have. this other side to them which is. they do all also protect the standard. And I think this there's a there's a.

balance that's almost needed here. between. being nonchalant in those moments where. something bad's happened, we can't. control it now, and then how you defend. the standard. So, like you watch the. military barracks or whatever when. they're going through training, these. leaders are like screaming at them about. the standards, about the buttons, about. iron your shirt, make your boots clean. And so, it appears on one end that they are. petty about something. And they are you. know, they are about these leaders are. emotionally You look at football. managers. Yeah. Or sporting managers. Yeah. They they almost exist in a bit of.

a dichotomy which is like. knowing when to be controlled and then. knowing when to. be. emotionally seemingly emotionally. irrational about something. Yeah, and I. think those. in those. um specific situations are also part of. a system. You know, this is a system. that they've seen produce the outcome. that they want. So, they know that. there's a utility to having that big. reaction or there's a purpose behind it. What I find is the negative is when you.

have people who. there's not a utility. They just they. don't have the words. The leaders who. let's say curse a lot because they don't. really have the vocabulary. You know, they they would rather. have big emotional reactions. But. when you have that type of language. that's is not going to show that you're. in control of your emotions, you're just. less believable. All I had to do was brain dump. Imagine. if you had someone with you at all times.

that could take the ideas you have in. your head, synthesize them with AI to. make them sound better and more. grammatically correct, and write them. down for you. This is exactly what. WhisperFlow is in my life. It is this. thought partner that helps me explain. what I want to say, and it now means. that on the go, when I'm alone in my. office, when I'm out and about, I can. respond to emails and Slack messages and. WhatsApps and everything across all of. my devices just by speaking. I love this. tool. And I started talking about this. in my behind-the-scenes channel a couple.

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of income and to build side businesses. in order to help us cover our bills. And. that opportunity is here with our. sponsor Stan, a business that I co-own. It is the platform that can help you. take full advantage of your own. financial situation. Stan enables you to. work for yourself. It makes selling. digital products, courses, memberships, and more simple products more scalable. and easier to do. You can turn your. ideas into income and get the support to. grow whatever you're building. And we've. just launched Dare to Dream. It's for.

those who are ready to make the shift. from thinking to building, from planning. to actually doing the thing. It's about. seeing that dream in your head and. knowing exactly what it takes to bring. it to life. Enter to win $100,000 for. your dream. All you have to do is share. what it is. Learn more at dare to. dream.stan.store. So, that was number three. Yeah. Stop over-explaining yourself. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. The second one was. reducing um distractions, and the first. was authentic. Number four. Know. [snorts] how to deal.

with their sadness. A lot of people are hurting. that you don't know are hurting. And a lot of people are grieving that. you don't know are grieving. Whether it's the holidays, whether it's. a. an important date or event that you. don't know about in their life and. they're hurting and grieving. If you. really want to be a top-level. communicator, you need to know not to. say not only when the times are good, but also when the times are are bad.

And how does how does one be there for. someone when they're going through their. moments of sadness? Is there any. principles that one should think about? Yeah, when somebody is grieving, what you do not do. is begin with, "Let me know if.". If you if if what you are about to say. begins with, "Let me know if,". it's the wrong thing to say. Let me know if you need anything. Let me know if I can do anything for. you. I I just just let me know. Anything you.

need, let me know. All you're doing is giving them a chore. This person's already grieving at this. moment. They. It's they're going through something you. don't even know how to feel. And you're now giving them a chore of of. they're supposed to be on their own. to have the ability to pull out their. phone, text their need to you? It that's never going to happen. Have. Have you ever had somebody who say, "Let. me know if you need anything." actually.

let you know that they needed something? Never. Never because you've now now. you've made it. more comfortable on you and now more of. an obligation on them. And we go, "Well, you know what? I said. all I need to say. I Let me know if you. need anything. Let me know how I can. help." Right? When all you've done is. just given them an obligation. You've. you've burdened it even more. Of course, they don't want to burden you. They. don't want They don't even want to They. don't even want to live in some of these. moments. They They don't want to exist. They don't know how to do it. And.

saying, "Let me know if" isn't going to. help them. Instead, here's what you do when somebody's. grieving. You do the thing. Whatever you thought. about doing, go do it. If you wanted to bring them dinner, or said, "Let me know if you need any. food." Just go get them food. Go do the. task. Go run the errand. Go show up and. do their laundry. Go. mow their yard for them. Go do the. thing. If I really want you to be there for me, and you really want to be there for the. other person, you don't have to ask. You just go do.

And second of all, I find a lot of time. people. who are with somebody who's grieving, they don't know what to say. They want. to say something. Like, I I want to say. something, but I don't I don't really. know what to say. I just I feel. uncomfortable. What I say is not going to be enough. And so, they just stare at their phone. and they kind of text out a sentence and. they delete it cuz they don't really. know what to say. The best thing to say is just to. validate how you would assume it's going. to be feeling for them. Nobody deserves. what happened. That This is totally. unfair.

I can't believe that this has happened. Nobody deserves this. Be Be able to express and confirm. that what they're feeling is exactly. what they should be feeling. Don't go in. with the Oh, at least they're in a. better place. Hey, you know what? Everything happens. for a reason. That's not the right time. to say that. If ever. To To be able to. try and. make them feel better of, "Oh, you know, I just at least they're, you know, not. Is there anything I can do?".

Any of that kind of stuff. It's like, "Yeah, I know you can do. You can bring. that person back. That's what you can. do." But that's not going to happen. You. can't do that. And so, you catch. yourself in a corner where you genuinely. have an interest. Like, how many times. people say, "You're in our thoughts. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers, you know, praying. for you.". And they haven't once sent up a prayer. Right? They're just saying it. If you. really mean it, text out the prayer to. them. Text the prayer. Dear God, I'm I just. ask that you be with Steven right now. with what Send the prayer to them.

Why Why not encourage them in that. versus just saying, "Hey, just keeping you in my thoughts.". If you are, then text them, "Thinking. about you. No need to respond.". You think just putting it in a Facebook. comment is going to do enough? Just. "You're in our prayers.". That's That's not connection and that's. not authentic. That That's That's the. easy shortcut. I think I've spent my. whole life struggling with those moments. where some something bad has happened to. someone or they've been through.

something and. >> Yeah. you you found out over text. message and you don't know what to say. You don't know what to say. You're like, "I'm so sorry. Um and. uh the amount of times I've written. something and then deleted it and. written something and then deleted it. and I actually [clears throat] got some. feedback from Samir, um who is a a very. well-known YouTuber creator. And he's. he's part of a YouTube channel called. Colin and Samir. Hit Their Their house. has burned down in the Palisades fire. And I'd say, what, four, five, six.

months later, he came up to me in New. York and said, um. "Thank you for the message you sent me. because. it was specific.". And I And I've got There's a clip We. have a clip of it cuz we were recording. at the time. We were I'd just come off. stage and he was. at his at his event in New York and he'd. come up to me and said it. And it always. stayed with me that he remembered six. months later I didn't even really. remember the message I sent. He remembered six months later that when. his house had that burned down, they'd. both just had I think they both had like. less than 1-year-old kids. And then both.

of the houses had burned down. I sent him something specific I could. help him with. I can't I I can't remember the details. of what I said, but he came up and said, "Thank you for sending me something. Lots of people sent me messages, but I. remember you sent me something. specific." That hits the theme of when. you. stop trying to be. what's most convenient to you. and start doing what might be just a. slightly little bit more uncomfortable, a little bit more work. The choice to do. something different and be more specific.

in the thought. To to not just say, "So sorry to hear.". Mhm. Right? That's That's. That's injustice. To be I mean, that's. That doesn't even touch it. But if you were to say You were to say, "What is happening is totally unfair.". Like. Agree with it. Be specific with it. Same. thing with It's the same with. compliments. The more specific it is, the more. genuine it is. The person that you remember the longest.

is the person who's able to be. right there with you and say exactly. what you're feeling in that moment. >> a genuine offer to to support. A real. Yes. >> And also, not not as you said at the. start, not an offer that they have to. accept. >> Yeah. Because no one accepts them. Yeah. The Or the make it a condition that they. have to reach out to you in order to you. consider giving it. Yeah. >> Instead of just doing it. Or or even. when you feel that like I don't really. know what to to say, but I'm You know.

what? If I were them, this is what I'd. want. And go do the thing. Otherwise, don't say it if you don't mean it. I. mean, that's just the To me, that's a. sign of. you're you're not their person. Because. there's so many people that are just. fair-weather friends. That they they. want to be there and and be part of the. success, but when your face is on the. floor and you're at rock bottom, the people you'll remember are the. people that show up.

Amen. I've heard that so many times from. my guests on this podcast when they talk. about their hardest moment. And it's always who who showed up in. that moment that Um Number five. If you. want to be a better communicator, you. have to know how to handle the insults, the backbiting, the dismissive, the belittling, the patronizing, the. words that people use to try and inflict. pain. What do I do?

If you want to handle somebody who's. trying to hurt you with their words, the. first thing you have to do. is have a bunch of. silence. Or it's 5 to 7 seconds of. nothing. Make it Make it enough to where. it's uncomfortable, where they they know. this is not going to be fun. Number two. is you ask them to repeat it. I need you to say that again. I need you I I need to repeat that. Most. of the time people can't do it. And. number three,

if I need to, I ask them, "Did you mean. Did you mean for that to sound. rude? Did you mean for that to sound. short? Did you mean for that to sound. upsetting?" And what it does. is allow you to be able to. operate in a way that. doesn't allow their words to hurt you or. to touch you or to cut you. Whenever somebody is saying something. that's to belittle you or insult you,

they're they're putting a big spotlight. on themselves and they're hoping to. throw it on to you to get your reaction. So, they're going to I'm going to say. something hurtful to you and then it's. like, they're turning the spotlight. right to you. And then when you ask a. question, when you. have. a bunch of silence, it allows their. words to kind of echo back to them. And. a lot of people will, before they even. have to say anything, they'll go, "I I. shouldn't have said that." The more. silence you have, the more awkward it. becomes and they kind of have to take it. back. They realize you didn't take the. bait. But when you put the spotlight and.

you ask the question, "Did you Did you. mean for that to. embarrass me? Did you mean for that to sound hurtful?". They can't bear the thought of saying. yes to that. So, they have to tweak it. They have to fix it. They have to go, "Oh, no, no, no. I mean, what I mean. what I meant to say was" and they. they go a different way. Now, if they. were to double down and say, "Yes, that's exactly what I meant." You could. just say, "Thank you for letting me. know." I was thinking about like the. neuroscience of what's going on there. Yeah. When you get someone to admit that.

they're hurtful, um I remember interviewing some. neuroscientists who talked about this. idea of cognitive dissonance, which is. where like. we all have a perception of who we are. Mhm. And I guess by what you're doing. there, you're. creating the cognitive dissonance, which. is the cognitive mental discomfort, by. making me kind of look in the mirror at. who I. who I just acted like. If I I don't. think I'm a hurtful person. If I say. something super hurtful and then you ask.

me if I meant to be hurtful, you're. immediately like speaking to my. identity. >> Yes. And I don't want I'm not a hurtful. person. Right. And that's causing the. the dissonance, which is the sort of the. disparity between who I think I am and. how I just behaved. Yes. >> And so, I have to alleviate one of them. I have to make sense. >> Nobody believes they're on the side of. bad. They always think they're on the. side of good. So, you by you saying that. to me, I immediately have to confirm. >> Right. that I am a a person who's intent. on hurting others. Yes. That's not at. all what I wanted to say. I just wanted. to gaslight you a little bit.

>> [laughter]. >> I just want to cause you pain. Yeah. And. so, in that moment, it's. what they're thinking and feeling is, "I. want you to hurt like I'm hurting. I. want you I want to feel the control cuz. I don't have a sense of control now. And. I'm feeling a certain way. I'm upset. So, if I can make you upset, well, then. I can have Now I can feel better and. more justified about how I'm feeling.". And so, some people will, especially the. manipulative ones, they'll be upset, say. something to make you upset, and then. turn around and go, "I don't know why. you're so upset.

I'm I'm fine. I'm just fine. I don't. know why you're you're so upset." And. because they've just left you in it. Now. Now they All they've done is just pass. it on to you. They I I don't like this. feeling, so now I'm going to give it to. you. And I'm I'm totally good. What are. you talking about? I had a situation in a gym a long time. ago where I was on a machine and a guy. he said that these all these machines. were his so he wanted to use them all. And he just came up to me, this was a. long long time ago, and he was so like. out of pocket. Like he was You talked. about being in the pocket.

Super emotional within like 15 seconds, this sort of slightly older gentleman, and basically like asked me if I wanted. to have a fight. And it was so bizarre. to me that I felt like an observer and I. generally Anybody else seeing this? No, it was just me and him in the gym. And I. was so I was I felt like David. Attenborough. Like I was just like. And I didn't and I. inadvertently did what you said which is. my tone didn't change at all. I spoke to. him like this. I was like, "Did you just. ask me for a fight in the gym?". >> [laughter]. >> I was like and then the more I cuz I. asked genuinely like genuine questions.

and it immediately disarmed him. Yes. I. was like, "Don't do that to strangers in. the gym." Oh my god. My [laughter] tone. was so low. Yeah, but that's what it is. IT'S ARE YOU OKAY? YOU KNOW, it's you know, I'm having to. like have to check on them for a second. because most of the time when you're. hearing them yell and and say ugly. things, what they're truly signaling is. I'm not okay. It's there's always something else. that's going on. I've done it before. where somebody said something hurtful. and I said. How did you expect me to respond to. that?

Or how were you wanting me to respond to. that? Or how did you think I was going. to respond? And it's. I've never had it where. they go, "Well, I expected you to say an. insult." Like they it's always. them backpedaling and then trying to. explain how they're feeling in that. moment because they they don't know they. don't know how to to do it. But if I can. stop, put aside, like you did, your. frustration, and say, "Are you asking me for a fight. right now?". >> [laughter]. >> You know, are you Is that what you're. really asking for? That kind of are you.

okay? Kind of thing. That'll all of a sudden your frustration. now goes away. You've changed the frame. completely. Absolutely. Cuz the frame they wanted was. aggression. Maybe that's the the. language or the frame that they know as. the way to solve problems. But you also. was like in that scenario changed to. curiosity which was like, "What How did. that Yeah, anytime you actually have a. mindset of instead of having something. Well, don't have something to prove, have. something to learn. And so in that.

moment you could have easily tried to. prove something. Who Who do you think you're talking to? Do you know what I You could have played. that card and said you actually got. curious of what's going on here. Are you. asking me for. Questions are powerful that way. Questions are disarming for somebody. who's trying to be aggressive with you. because they're not looking for that. type of. mirror. They don't want a mirror. They. don't want to see the ugly that they're. putting out there. But anytime somebody. has that very aggressive I have so many. people who go.

Somebody said this to me and was so ugly. and said this horrible thing. And they're looking for a quick comeback. which I can give it to them. But if they. really care about the relationship, I. say, "Okay, I assume they said it at normal volume. What's their need? Like what are they really they really. feeling?" Mhm. Cuz if you just respond. to the reaction, you're you're not going to hear the end. of it. And we all have triggers. Same. I got I. I definitely have mine. I can't I can't. I can't say anything. I'll tell you one. of the biggest things that has.

helped me, too, in. um. any any If anybody's wanting to improve. their personal relationships with a a. partner or anything, it's one is understanding. validate first. Frustration comes like next. If I. respond first with frustration, I'm. going to lose every time. So it's. validating. It's saying, "Of course. you'd feel this way. It totally makes. sense. I can see how you'd feel that. way." Acknowledging that it's okay for. them to feel that way. Otherwise,

the partner's going to feel like I'm. being too much. And if I'm being too much, then you're. going to leave. All right, it's the it's the same sense. of abandonment. So if I can hit that, you're not being too much. I have the. capacity in the I can be elastic in this. relationship because. I'm not going to be my best self all the. time, too. But if I can give you a safe. space for you to be messy and me to be. messy, then you're actually not going to. have that relationship. Number two, it's. understanding that. resets is your.

Uno wild card. Asking for a reset. For if I were to say, "You know what, I. didn't say that right.". You know what, can I can I try that. again? I didn't say that the best way, did I? You know, I I could have done that. better. As soon as I start and ask for a reset, I've never had anybody tell me no. Nobody goes, "No, no, you have to stick. with it right now. Go ahead, keep. failing." Like we in a video game, we. wouldn't Why would you keep playing if. you knew you were ultimately going to. lose? It's you restart, you try again. And so. giving yourself the grace and the other.

person the grace to have the ability to. start over again is a necessary part of. communicating in relationships. And. three is slice it thinner. A lot of the times. if we're having a big conversation, we bring up somebody might bring up the. past, that past thing, and we just kind. of add it on and glom it on when. we start to kind of feel hopeless about. it. But if I can slice each issue by. itself and say, "I do want to talk about. this. I want to address what's in front of us.

first." That makes everything go a whole. lot better. But if I can slice. each part and see the need and validate. that, I've always seen that go better. And on. that first point about. um. how you engage with your your partner. during. conflict. One of the most useful things. I heard recently was a clip I actually. saw of Brené Brown talking about when. she comes home after like a long day. Yeah. She will tell her partner how much she. has in the tank. >> It's so good. And so she'll turn to her.

partner and say, "Listen, I've got 10%. >> Mhm. I can't do this today." Right. And. I'm I remember getting the clip and. sending it to my partner because it's. those that's some of the vocabulary that. probably would have really helped a lot. of my relationships which is just first. expressing where I'm operating from. So. good. And I don't think anybody is going to be. on the receiving end of honestly I've. got like 10% in the tank today and go, "No, I want to do this now." Like. [laughter] Exactly. Well, using. percentages in conversations incredibly.

helpful. Both in relationships, like. Brené mentioned, I've seen, you know, I. got 10%. You got 40%. Let's put it. together, we're going to make it work. But I at least know where you're coming. from. Same thing at work. Right? I've seen what I encourage is. when people are in a meeting, they can. put out an idea. Right? Rather than going, "What if?". Because what happens is everybody just. starts to kill it, you know, they start. pointing arrows at it cuz it's. because it wasn't their idea. So we need. to take it down. But if they come out. and say, "Look,

30% of an idea.". Then what happens magically is that. everybody else wants to join in. So if I were to say, "Look, I Steve, I. got 20% of an idea. I need your help. with the other 80." All of a sudden you. take it as a. "Oh me, I can I can do that." And then. everybody else starts to build it up. rather than trying to tear it down. Or. even if in conversation if I say, "Look, I know I'm not going to have the right. words. I'm going to have about. 60% of it.". Like that at least is me confirming that.

I know what I'm saying is not going to. always be the right thing to say. I wish I did that more. This is um I. believe this is the clip I'm talking. about. It was Tim Ferriss. Everyone says. marriage should be 50/50. It's the. biggest crock of [ __ ] I've ever. heard. It's never 50/50. Yeah. Ever. And so what we do is we quantify where. we are. So if Steve comes home and he'll. be like, "I got 20." Just in terms of. energy. >> Just energy, investment, kindness, patience. I'm at a 20. And I'll be like, "I'll cover you. I got you, brother. Like I'll pull the 80.".

Sometimes we come home which we've done. a lot. My mom has been sick and I'll. say, "I've got 10." And Steve would like. 2 days ago said, "I'm riding a solid. 25." So we know that we have to sit down. at the table anytime we have less than. 100 combined. and figure out a plan of kindness toward. each other. Ah, I love that. Yeah, because the thing is marriage is not. something that's 50/50. A partnership. works when you can carry their 20 or. they can carry your 20. And that when you both just have 20, you.

have a plan where you don't hurt each. other. So good. That's the mistake I've made. multiple times. Oh, but I try and solve. big problems with It's a mistake we make. every day. Yeah, I mean for me and with. Sierra and I. is usually if we're in a part of an. argument, typically arguments end pretty. quickly. But the ones that go long, it's. sometimes, you know, I just don't feel. like it. You know, I I could give an. apology, you could give an apology. So I. just don't feel like I don't feel like. being sorry right now. I will later, but. I in the moment I'm just.

I I I I just got this stuff in me and. I'm not ready yet. And so what happens. for me and what's been so helpful is. when I'm aggravated at that edge and I. don't want to give a thing is to say, "My battery's in the red." Like we say. in the red because of. iPhone. It's like I'm Once I know I'm in. that place, we know to time out because it's or else. you'd be 2 hours in and you're still Now. you've just said way worse things, you. know, that you're going to apologize. for. And so often when the quicker you.

can get to a time out, like if you want. to know how well a relationship. communicates, look how often they take time outs. because time outs are. I mean, they're. the the amount of value you get in just. a pause and then even 5 minutes. coming back to it, you have a different. like, "Okay, here we go." Like a fresh. fresh start. Like why would you leave. somebody on the field. for 3 hours and never give them a rest?

And you think I can't I we do it. physically, but I'm not going to do it. mentally? Like if you. if you want to know. the key to the relationship. the the metric that is the most valuable. key to a relationship. is that the measure. the quality of the conversation. is equal to the quality of the. relationship. Said differently. the quality of the relationship is equal.

to the quality of the communication. You look at all these couples that are. divorcing. Okay? Are the couples that are in bad states. It's because they were okay in the. positive. but they don't know how to do deal with. the negative. So, it's it's the measure. of not just can we talk about the happy. stuff. The if you talk I I talk to these. elderly couples have been married for 50. years and I say what's what's your.

secret? It's it's not can you be happy. in the happy? It's can you how long can. you sit with the hard? And how how long. can you be in the in the sad times cuz. those are going to happen. And I see. that so many with the people there's so. many people who communicate with me or. message or and they're going through a. divorce or they have been divorced. And. you realize that. it's it's not often that they fell out. of love. They fell out of communication. They they stopped talking to each other.

This is I think one of the great myths. we're sold when we get into our first. relationship is we think that the sign. of a good relationship is the lack of. conflict. But if you've ever been in a. long relationship, I think over time you. start to figure that. it's not the amount of conflict. It's. like. it's it's how one manages the conflict. I read a quote which I've never. forgotten which said you can predict the. long-term health of a relationship by. whether each cut heals to 101% or 99%. I does your conflict make you stronger?

Yeah. And if I look back through the. conflict that I've had with like my. partner that I've been with a long time. now. I go it has actually. deepened the roots. Yeah, it has to. Like it's been productive conflict. Mhm. You know, which has made us stronger. Um and that and that in part is because. of many of the things that you talk. about which is like. trying not to win every argument. >> Right. And other things in your book. It's Yeah, but that's Sierra. uh that's what Sierra talks about in. either way it's good. Like it's the.

conflict you want conflict in your. relationship for the growth. It is rare. that you can have individual growth. alone. It has to be relational. 100%. >> to be with other people. I I I can read. a book on how to do something but until. I do it. it's it's a totally different game. So, I I I learn relationally with things and. with other people and places but for. sure relationship I mean there's just no. there's no other way to go around it.

You have to have the conflict if you. want to be. if you want to be better. And I I've. seen so many times where the people. um. they. face in their hands. They don't know how. to talk to one another. because they gave up on trying to repair. but they're they're all in on trying to. blame. And so when you are trying to. kind of undo what has to be done that. makes it all the more difficult because. it's just so many years where there. could have been repair but.

there. there hasn't been and in turn that. really hurts the relationship. I read a. recent study. that. the biggest predictor of the child's. well-being within the parental. relationship. is not whether they were married or. divorced. It was. how they deal with conflict. I mean cuz how many people have had. parents that are still together but. fight terribly. >> Yeah, my god. Yeah. And and and in in. fact should probably maybe not be. together. Yeah. Or those that they're.

divorced but communicate great. Yeah. And they never put their child in the. middle of it and didn't use the child as. a a mail carrier between the two. The. the be able to do that is. I mean you're you get to change the. whole trajectory of of a child's life. At some point we have to forgive our. parents, right? Yeah, that's that's the. truth. Like you said like they were they were. kids too raised by parents that. >> This is their first time still doing it, you know? >> [laughter].

>> You have a workbook on its way in March. 10th. called The Next Conversation Workbook. Yeah. Practical exercises for arguing less and. talking more which really takes. everything that you wrote about and. turns it into an actionable blueprint. framework for people that really want to. embed these habits into their lives. Um I'm going to link that below. Is that. available for pre-order? Will it be? You'll be a pre-order link so we'll put. that in the description below. You're. also working on some AI stuff which I. think is interesting. Yeah, thank you. >> So, I'm about to release an AI of just.

my content. So, it has my book. It has. my podcast. It has my any of my social. clips. It has it all. And so, it's a. small language model to where it's. everybody can have their own personal. communication expert in a 24/7 kind of. thing is what they have on it. But where. people get to practice. So, what I love. about it the most is let's say you you. say I'm about to go into a important. meeting and I want to sound really. confident. What can I do? Or I'm about to have a. my spouse isn't listening or really.

upset. What do I got to do? You apply. those right in that that moment. And. gives you a different way of. prospecting. Different way of seeing. things from a different view. Or. what I definitely what I've uh. like is to tell it. to be a boss. Be my boss who's really. mean and arrogant. And let's do an. exercise of how to respond to this. situation. And. you test is that response going to be. the best response and allow it to kind.

of have a. a different way of practicing things. that maybe you need to be ready for cuz. some people need to be ready for the. hard response. I'll link that below, too. Yeah. You can. have a play with that and sign up. I'm. excited. We have a closing tradition where the. last guest leaves a question for the. next. Question left for you is who are. you most dying to meet and why? Oh, that's a great one. Um. person I would love to meet right now. is probably Brené Brown. That's probably.

it really the fact that you brought her. up. The reason why is because. I know that she's been in the space a. long time. And I feel that. when she shares stuff it's very genuine. Like there's no guessing that she's. real. Yeah. >> She's about as real and raw as authentic. as you can get. She's also a Longhorn. Texas Longhorn fan which I'm a fan of. But I feel like when and this is just me. personally. I kind of got pushed into this field.

And. you you always look for people. that are your own anchors in life of who. you'd want to be a mentor kind of thing. And that's somebody who's. I feel like has. been in the the world and and knows some. things and has just some incredible. knowledge that's helped a lot of people. She's most certainly authentic. She's. incredible. Yeah. Well, I listen if. people haven't bought your book which is. almost nobody. But if there are still some people out.

there that have haven't bought this book. I highly recommend it. I think I am. included in my WHSmith collection as. well. in the UK. You did. Thank you so much. Such a smash hit success. It's a success on two dimensions. It's. sales and its impact. Thank you. And um. it's also incredibly accessible so it's. not like a complicated science book and. it's written for normal people that are. going through very real relatable normal. problems. And um I think that's why it's been so. successful. I think you you approach. these challenges from a very real place. And maybe that's in part why it's been.

so wonderfully received and so relatable. is because. you know, you're a you're trial attorney. that's bringing this stuff to the masses. but. you're not like a PhD scholar who might. have drew drawn up the drawbridge. because they they they spent all their. life in academia. And I think the way. that you communicate is so relatable and. resonant that it's no wonder that you're. you've been on an absolute unbelievable. tear the last couple years. It's. phenomenal like crazy crazy incredible. So, congratulations and thank you from.

all the people that you've given Thanks, man. a little bit of light to a little. bit of um. you've empowered them with information. so that they can live the life that they. they deserve to live. talking Justin. I. appreciate it. Thank you, Stu. >> [music]. >> If there's anything we need, it is. connection especially in the world we're. living in today. And that is exactly why. we created these conversation cards. because on this show when I sit here. with my guest and have those deep. intimate conversations, this remarkable. thing happens time and time again. We.

feel deeply connected to each other. At. the end of every episode, the guest I'm. interviewing leaves a question for the. next guest. And we've turned them into. these conversation cards. And we've. added these twist cards to make your. conversations even more interesting. And. there are so many more twists along the. way with the conversation cards. This is. the brand new edition. And for the first. time ever, I've added to the pack this. gold card which is an exclusive question. from me. But I'm only putting the gold. cards in the first run of conversation.

cards. So, get yours now before the. limited edition gold cards are all gone. Head to the link in the description. below. >> [music]. [music]. >> Oh. Oh. >> [singing]. >> Oh. >> [music]. >> Oh. Oh.