Steve-O: Childhood Trauma, Addiction, Mocking Death & Craving Attention!

It is of paramount importance that I. find separation between me and the. persona of Steve O. Why. we have to go back to the beginning of. my journey. I didn't get attention from. my parents. My dad was a businessman and. my mom suffered from alcoholism. Your father would praise you for stunts. diving head first. and he'd give $1. I don't think you have. to be Sigman Freud to imagine that had. something to do with becoming an. attention [ __ ] That was when I started.

doing dangerous [music] stunts. I'm Steo and this is the fish hook. Why stunts? Growing up, I felt defective. And the. thought was I wasn't going to live very. long. So, I was lashing out [music] at. death, taunting it. But I lost my mom in. 2003, and that traumatized me more than. anything. I was out of control, broadcasting my downward spiral to 200. influential people in real time. You were manhandled into a psychord. Yeah, this was going to be my legacy.

having miserably failed at life. And the. toughest thing is that I wanted to make. my mom proud. [snorts]. Steven Gilchrist Glover aka Steo. Honesty. Honesty saved Steo's life. But. the man that sits in front of me today. isn't Steo. It is Steven Gilchrist. Glover, which is a man you've probably. never met before. But once you meet.

Steven Gilchrist Glover, you'll. undoubtedly understand Steo, that guy. that we grew up with on our screens. doing those crazy jackass stunts that. behind the scenes struggled with a deep. discomfort of being in his own skin. depression, drug addiction, existential. panic, an obsession with attention, crippling grief, and most surprisingly. and paradoxically of all, a deep, deep.

fear of death. It absolutely doesn't. appear to make sense. But once you. listen to this conversation, if you. listen closely, you'll understand. exactly why that's driving him. This. conversation will make you laugh. It. will inspire you. It will motivate you. It will challenge you. It will make you. feel understood. And it will teach you. what it takes and what it means to live. a good life, including the role that. romantic love has played in Steo finally. living a good life. And for me, it. reaffirms to me once again that in order.

to live that good life, in order to find. that good life, we need to surrender, stop fighting life, and we need to be. honest. And once we are, we might just. find all of the things that we're. looking for. You're going to love this. one. [music]. Stephen. All right. You've lived a anomalous life. The man that sits before me today is an.

anomaly in many respects. The. professional path you've walked is. extraordinary to say the least. in order. to understand you, what what do I need. to understand about your your earliest. context to understand who you are and. why you walked the path you did in your. life? What's the first sort of domino that. that I need to understand? I would point to. my. uh lineage.

My mom's side of the family is uh. like the whole family tree. every leaf. on the tree. Um suffered from. alcoholism, some form of addiction. um and and at the same time very. uh personable um charismatic individuals. but just very alcoholic and a lot of. deviants. Then my dad's side of the. family.

is uh super academic. Um. there's a a lot of theologians, clergymen, everybody's got at at least like a. master's degree or a PhD or they're, you. know, highly decorated academia. And my. dad broke the mold by becoming a. businessman. Um, so I just kind of think that I am a.

little bit of a hybrid of both in that I. definitely. went towards deviance and suffered from. alcoholism, but I had this rocket engine. on it from my dad's side of the family. And as I've grown older, I think my. uh. I kind of manifest my dad's side more. than my mom's side. Before we started recording, I said that. one of the things that really surprised.

me, we're sat in London now, was to. learn that you were born in London back. in 1974. Yeah. Born in Wimbledon, um which makes me British. My mother was born in Canada, which. makes me Canadian. And my father was. born in America, which makes me. American. I'm what you call triple. national. Wow. And I hold three valid passports. I'm very jealous. It's cool. Like having the keys to the to the world.

in many respects. How how did that impact you though. because you you told me that you were. you born here. Your first words were in. Portuguese, in Brazil, then you're in. Venezuela, then Canada, then USA. as a. young child that's figuring out the. world and figuring out where he belongs. and making friends. How does that sort. of destabilization impact impact you in. hindsight? I don't think you have to be Sigman. Freud to imagine that uh that had. something to do with me becoming an. attention [ __ ] And um I think that.

it's actually exacerbated by the fact. that when I moved to Brazil at the age. of 6 months. um I moved to Brazil because my father. became the president of Pepsi Cola in. all of Brazil. And. it was just kind of living it up, you. know. Um I think that's the best way to. describe it. and I didn't get much. attention from my parents. I was.

actually raised um by live-in maids, which is why I spoke my first words in. Portuguese. So, I think I was lacking. for some attention from my parents. And. I think that that has something to do. plus the instability. and and always being the new kid in. school. I was I never stayed one place. for more than a couple years. Um, so yeah, I uh I I I point to that for.

why I became such an attention [ __ ]. The the context that you were you raised. in your your mother's at home, your. dad's very very busy, very successful. businessman by all accounts. Yeah. Not just busy, but traveling. Okay. My my dad was consistently gone. I. I would argue that he was gone more than. he was home. and and mom was drunk um a lot. So I had. um.

not just uh lacking attention but. lacking supervision a lot of the time. too. In 2023 we've learned a lot about. addiction and alcoholism and those kinds. of things. But I I imagine I mean I. wasn't alive then, but back in 1974, people didn't understand that behavior. as clearly as they do now. Did Did you. understand your mother's behavior when. you were young? Did you understand her. relationship with alcohol was a. an unhealthy thing or an addiction?

I think so. Yeah. Um. I think so because I remember um she. would have these these binges drinking. um where. it it wouldn't be the case that my mom. would get drunk at night and then wake. up and you know have a hangover and and. then get drunk again the next night. It. was more of a case where she would stay.

drunk for for days or weeks on end. Um, and. you how old? Sorry. Oh, um, like it got really pretty crazy. I would say when I was about eight, certainly when I was nine, it was it was. terrible. And um. whenever my mom would would sober up. from one of her binges, she would swear. that she was never going to drink again. And invariably she would. And and and I.

I I say this because I think I really. really understood the concept of the. disease of alcoholism very well because. when I would come home from school and. find that my mom was drinking, I would I. would say to you know, mom, you said you. were never going to do this again. And. she would explain to me that this time. it was going to be different. This time. she was only going to have a couple. And. I remember knowing that that was not the.

case. And that's kind of the the reality. of alcoholism is that the alcoholic once. they start drinking, they cannot stop. They've lost control. And and that it's. it's a characteristic of. alcoholics. The idea that that they the. illusion that one day they're going to. control and enjoy their drinking. and. and uh and they pursue this illusion.

into the gates of insanity or death. That's that's uh how it's described. And. I understood that. So I knew if mom had. one drink, I knew that all bets were off. for days or weeks. You know, you talked about lineage like. Yeah. the family line. Yeah. What is what is that then? Is that. is that a predisposition? Is that a. genetic predisposition in your view or. is that a a. generational trauma? You know, did you. have you ever figured out what causes. that? I understand there to be a genetic.

component to the alcoholism. Um I don't. know that it really matters um as much. like like why one becomes an alcoholic, but um certainly as I said on my mom's. side of the the family, it never skipped. a generation. I mean, it got everybody. And the insanity of it, I mean, one. could really describe it as as a mental. illness. I mean, they.

they do say it's a disease that's. centered in the mind. Um, for me to see and experience what I did. as a child, like just how. how awful it got. And then for me to. just pick up a drink is is so is so. insane. I mean I if if anybody should. have known better, it should have been.

me. And I remember at the time like 16. years old when I when I started drinking. regularly, I just uh convinced myself. that what would make me different is. that I was going to enjoy it. I was. gonna but I was gonna party. and uh it's just insanity. That that speaks to the nature of the. addiction and the disease though because. people people that are outside of that. situation might see it as um. self-destructive.

But clearly, you know, clearly it's it. can't be that. It's clearly something. else because you saw how destructive it. was, right? And yet it's still through no. choice you made, through no intention. you made, it it managed to to find you. later in life. Did what your father in. this context, is he aware that your. mother's has this disease of addiction. with alcohol? Um, mom would really do her best to get. her act together by the time dad got. home from his business trips. um a and.

with. very little success. I would say when. dad would get back, mom would describe. that that she was ill and and and dad. would believe it a lot of the time. I. think dad uh I mean, yeah, he knew, but. uh but the extent of it and um how naive. he was to to believe that mom just. wasn't feeling well or. did he did he did.

I don't know. I mean, we we we would. describe it as rosecoled glasses. Um, I don't know. And and perhaps dad. was just so focused on his stuff that I. mean, I don't even know. It would be. crazy to not know, but somehow I believe. that my dad was. particularly naive or. or gullible. I I'm not sure. But.

sometimes I think men have a. predisposition to avoid conflict. Yeah. And to opt for an easy life, right? Uhhuh. I think that that that's. probably fair, too. But man, it's um. it just makes me really sad that uh. that that I lost my mom. Yeah. I I lost. my mom in in 2003. um November of 2003.

And um I just like I think had we both. um been in recovery, I don't think. anybody from my mom's side of the family. ever managed to achieve long-term. sobriety, I think I'm the first. And. I just I fantasized about what it would. be like to for for my mom and I to have. both gotten, you know, gotten it. What like what our.

relationship would be like. She would. get such a kick out of it. I think that. she would have gotten such a kick out of. um me being successful. and she didn't get to see it, you know. She never she never. Well, [clears throat]. the thing. Jackass had just started to move at that. point, hadn't it? Well, the thing was. that her last five years she um. was. terribly.

disabled both physically and mentally. because in 1998. she suffered an aneurysm which le which. uh. yeah it um rendered her. ve very disabled. So the last five years. it it she she didn't. she she had a really rough last five. years and and that um traumatized me.

more than anything. She developed bed. sores. She uh. she cried in pain for for her last five. years. It it was the most upsetting the. mo the by far the most traumatized I've. ever been by anything was the situation. that my mom was in for her last 5 years. And um. yeah, and it's all because of this this.

uh this thing, this alcoholism. and and had again like. had she been been in recovery, had that. not happened, had like we I just again I. fantasize about what our relationship. might be like today. But yeah, that started us off on a. bummer. Yeah. [laughter]. Yeah. It's it's really interesting. context though. Specifically this, you. know, you said the thing about attention. and seeking attention from um in a.

variety of different ways because you. were destabilized in terms of your. school, early schooling life. Your. father's not present. I I read that. you'd said that um you wanted your. father's approval and as a child your. father would praise you for physical. stunts such as. Yeah. ah. diving head first um. for baseballs or doing push-ups for your. father's and his friends. I would do a hundred push-ups in a row. for his buddies and he'd give me like $1.

and that. everybody got a kick out of that. I love. doing it and uh I don't think they were. terribly impressive push-ups because. hundreds a [laughter] lot. But um but. yeah, I I I was a little bit of a of a. performer at my dad's behest. I think there's this thing called Love. Languages. Have you ever seen it before? Have you ever done the Love Languages. test thing? No. It's this thing you do online and I. think it's pretty telling. I'm not into. like pseudo [ __ ] whatever, but it I. think it's pretty telling and it basic.

you answer these like 30 40 questions. and it tells you the language of love. that you have. So some people are words. of affirmation. That's how they kind of. show and receive love. Some people are. physical touch. Some people are little. acts of service. Some people are gifts, for example. And it was making me when. as I was reading that in your in your. book, I was thinking about how. like that can become a love language for. us. And it's funny cuz then I skipped to. this moment later in your story where. you had a heartbreak and the way that. you responded to the heartbreak to try. and get attention was by doing stunts.

Yeah. And I just saw this connection there and. I thought, you know, it's interesting. Some of our love languages can be like. stunts or [laughter]. Sure. or other forms of like validation. Uhhuh. Uh it's an interesting take on it. I. remember um at the point when I had the. heartbreak and that was when I when I. really started doing dangerous stunts. Um, it it was less for Well, yeah, it. was for attention. And I wanted this.

this this. girl who had dumped me to uh to be. worried that I would die [laughter]. like uh I mean, it's crazy. But yeah, I. was like I was jumping off rooftops into. pools and and you know climbing off of. like just huge balconies and stuff and. um. and sending her the videos or just. posting them where she. um at the time there was no such thing.

as sending videos without going to the. post office. [laughter]. But yeah, I would send her in mail. videos from the post office. I would. mail them to her like once a year. [laughter]. and and and the videos genuinely did get. rder and rder. [laughter]. Yeah. Each new installment. It was uh it. was Yeah, it was crazy. If I'd asked you when you were a young. man in your teenage years, what are you. going to be when you grow up? What would. you have responded? Ah, man.

The first. actual. thought I had for a career to pursue was. um one in advertising. You know, um my father had won a video. camera in a golf tournament and I stole. it from his closet and began. videotaping my skateboarding with my. buddies. And and I learned how to edit. by plugging these video cassette.

recorders together. And I would hit play. on one and record on the other to just. record the the good bits. And and it was. crude editing, not sophisticated. Um but. uh I fell in love with the process and. clearly I wasn't that great at. skateboarding. So, um I just thought. there's something about. this uh capturing video and then editing. it. to, you know, I mean, create.

presentations and ultimately to. manipulate the video to create. influence. You know, there was just something. really magical and powerful about that. And um I I. thought that that would be a great. career for me. And so I went off to the. University of Miami to pursue that, but. I just had trouble making it to class. So I I graduating from university was.

not in the cards. And I I I knew I still loved the video. camera and, you know, manipulating. images to to sway people one way or the. other. And um I decided that since I. wasn't that great at skateboarding that. I would do crazy stunts. And so I. literally dropped out of university in. 1993. to pursue a career as a crazy famous.

stunt man. And there was no precedent at. the time. Like everybody who I explained. that plan to [laughter]. legitimately felt sorry for me. like. what a tragic loser I I seemed to be. A. and they weren't wrong. For the first uh. three years after I left the University. of Miami, I was genuinely homeless. I was um.

more of a couch surfer than, you know, a. a guy living on the streets. Um but. yeah, I had no home, man. And um I was. not doing well. Quick one before we get back to this. episode. Just give me 30 seconds of your. time. Two things I wanted to say. The. first thing is a huge thank you for. listening and tuning into the show week. after week. Means the world to all of. us. And this really is a dream that we. absolutely never had and couldn't have. imagined getting to this place. But. secondly, it's a dream where we feel. like we're only just getting started.

And if you enjoy what we do here, please. join the 24% of people who watch this. channel regularly and have hit the. subscribe button. Means more than I can. say. And if you hit that subscribe. button, here's a promise I'm going to. make to you. I'm going to do everything. in my power to make this show as good as. I can now and into the future. We're. going to deliver the guests that you. want me to speak to, and we're going to. continue to keep doing all of the things. you love about this show. Thank you. Thank you so much. Back to the episode. There's so many things that I want to. ask this question because I just really.

want to hear it in your own words, which. is like, and I've I'm trying to maybe. piece it together using some connected. dots, but why stunts? I have a theory that um. that the the human condition is one of a. a real catch 22. We've got one instinct. which is to survive and one guarantee. which is we won't survive. And I and I. view the human experience largely as an.

exercise to come to terms with our. mortality, to wrap our heads around it, to become to come to peace with it. And. um I I view the different ways that. people. do that. Um you know there's there's. reproduction, we have children. So then. I I think uh that eases people's mind. about their mortality because they're.

they have a legacy living on with their. children that they they won't really be. dead. Then of course people turn to. religion because they think everything's. going to be great when they go to. heaven. And and then there's people who. leave stuff behind to outlive them. You. know, like cavemen scrawling stick. figures on the on the cave. It it seems. that they they were just like I. described really upset about their. mortality and and leaving this art on.

the cave walls to outlive them because I. had failed in in university the way the. way I did. I mean I failed every which. way that you can and every attempt that. I had ever had to be employed. ended in disaster. I was fired from. literally every job that I ever had. So, not being able to uh make it through. school or keep a job, I felt absolutely.

just. not qualified to navigate the world. I I. I I've I believed. that I was going to fail at life like. badly and and quickly. And um. I think that this idea that that I that. I I believed that I was just going to. fail at life and die very young.

I think that it heightened. my my mortality issues because even. though you know I was. I was young but like man think I was. somehow ang angry at the idea of of. death and and my theory is that I was uh. I was lashing out at death by by. climbing off of balconies and and just. dangling from my hands off like 12.

stories and and letting go and dropping. onto the balcony below. Like that was. totally life-threatening, especially how. intoxicated I was while doing that. And. um [clears throat] you know, like like I. said, I wanted that girl who dumped me. to think I was going to die. like there. was this this this idea of mortality was. was very. woven into all all of uh the art. And so.

I think that I was I I was I was upset. about mortality and and lashing out at. it. I was mocking death, taunting it. What? Why you? Because that that is I. understand at a certain level we all. probably have that relationship with our. mortality, but you seem to more than. anyone I've ever spoken to have had a. more. close and adverse relationship with the. concept of mortality, the concept of.

death. Like you seem to the way the way. that I'd word it plainly is like you. seem to have the biggest problem with. death than than anyone I've met. All right. Why? [laughter]. Um, I think about it, you know, I've always. thought about it. since you were young. I'd say so. Yeah, I would I would. absolutely say that. I I I I seem to. recall. being quite young. I I I wouldn't know an age, but quite. young and and being in the bathtub.

just for some reason I was thinking. about it's going to be the year 2000 and. and like we weren't really anywhere near. the year 2000. Um but just kind of doing math in my. head trying to calculate how old I would. be at the turn of the millennium. And I I came to uh. 25. I'll be 25 years old. And and the. thought was, I'll never live that long.

[laughter]. No, I'll never make it that long. That. um. and again, I don't know how old I was, but I was definitely a child when I had. that thought. And um. and and the the older I got, the more. convinced I was that that um I wasn't. going to live very long. And and perhaps, you know, that's, you.

know, another. manifestation of of my alcoholism. But I. think that that I think that really. to describe alcoh alcoholism. there's there's a like I felt defective, you know, I felt like there was just. something wrong with me that uh things. weren't going to work, you know, and I. think that that that. to some extent is a a characteristic of.

alcoholism for. a lot of alcoholics. feel like just uncomfortable in your own. skin. They describe it as restless, irritable, and discontented. Um, defective is a word that really. resonates with me. Does that does that ever subside? It's a tough one because um I don't. think so. I mean to an extent.

yeah I I I'm definitely better with all. that now like what but. at the same time it doesn't go away. I. think that it it it improves and and you. know fluctuates and. but um what doesn't go away is this this. default setting I have that everything's. not going to be okay. You know, I live. in this perpetual state of of terrible.

anxiety and stress that just things are. not going to be okay and I've got to. just hurry up and frantically work and. hustle to try to make it so everything. will be okay. I'm not surprised to hear that because. it is the story I've heard over and over. and over and over and over again. S. Okay. Okay. No. [clears throat]. And it surprises me because when before. I started doing this podcast and having. these conversations, I assumed that, you. know, something, you know, have a.

certain upbringing, childhood, you're. programmed in a certain way, you go to. therapy and it's fixed. Yeah. And it's actually been I' I've asked the. question purely because I've never heard. anyone say anything other than what. you've said. Right. So, you know, and I think it's. actually helpful because it helps people. know that they're not their efforts to. heal in whatever context that they've. tried to heal um doesn't make them. inadequate. It makes them very much. human that, you know, the way that we're. we're programmed and hardwired because. of whatever reasons,

you know, it it is um it is it is not. something that is easy or in many cases. possible just to therapy away or to. prescription away. And I think that's. makes people a lot of feel people feel. better. And and what what's crazy too is that. I think and I'm fascinated that they. that you say this is something that. you've heard many times and. I've never not heard it. Right. Um, and and I would also guess.

that for all of the the successful. people that you've spoken with that they. would describe having been much more at. peace, much much more serenity, much. more happiness. before they were successful. Yeah. Yeah. and and um and it's so. counterintuitive to imagine that that's. the case, but. um there there's one saying that I think. really.

explains it to a degree, which is that. this is the saying, um a man who has. nothing. only has to worry about his next meal, but a man who has everything worries. about his last meal. [laughter]. Yes. And that that messes me up, man. That. messes me up big time because if you're. just focused on the next meal, then. you're in the moment. Life's, you know, pretty pretty simple. It's not too much. of a task to to.

accomplish finding your next meal. But. once you've got your next meal covered, then it's like, all right, then I've. I've saved up some money. My I'm I'm. good. My next meals are set for for the. next year. And but then now you're thinking, how. long am I set for? And once you start. thinking, how long am I set for? Then then then life gets really scary. when when because you're not in the. moment and you're you're future tripping.

and everything isn't going to be okay. And then and and and what's even crazier. is that I understand that there's been. studies about um financial security and. it's people who have upwards of. $10 million net worth who who find. themselves feeling. considerably more financially insecure.

than than than than anybody who has less. the more money you have the more. financially insecure you feel. The study that I read about this it says. that um they interviewed people all the. way up the wealth income spectrum and. they asked them the question how much. money how um how happy are you out of 10. and then they asked them the second. question which is how much money would. you need to be 10 out of 10 happy and. all the way up the wealth spectrum. people said three times currently what. they have now. So millionaires said they. needed 3 million. People with 10 million.

said they needed 30 to be a 10 out of 10. happiness. And people with 100k said. they needed 300k which speaks to this. sort of like hedonic endless treadmill. um and increasing anxiety, right? A and um also studies are pretty. clear that um. happiness will increase up to. like a baseline it's like 75k household. Yeah, I think that that number is just. going up with inflation. I understood it.

to be like 60,000. 60,000 a year and then you've got all of. your needs met and then after that more. money doesn't really equate to more. happiness. And also to your point about. the the panic of like losing it, I think. that's a an issue for people that came. from nothing predominantly. So if you've. always had this financial security. growing up and you're you're you know. you were I don't know extremely wealthy. or and you've been wealthy, I think. people tend to have less of a fear of.

going of losing it all and they also. never seem to have the guilt. I sit here. with people and they speak to this. success guilt they have and. [clears throat] I hear that a lot and it. it's typically people that have felt. sleeping on a sofa that have the kind of. even [snorts] when they become. successful they feel like they don't. deserve it to some degree. and I read that a little bit in your. story in your book. right now it's interesting because I I. grew up very privileged you know. [clears throat] my my uh. my my father didn't grow up with.

privilege as I said he broke the mold. becoming a businessman. He became like. my my mom didn't marry a a rich guy. My. mom married a motivated guy who who. became quite wealthy. Um. I had. privilege guilt when I was a kid. I was. I was like. quite ashamed of um of how wealthy my. parents were.

and and I don't understand why that is. but um. in whose eyes and. like I I I I was uh self-conscious about. h about um how my peers viewed me at. school. Um, as I grew older, the the homes that we lived in, each move to each, you know, represented. a bigger house, you know, it it became a. little bit obnoxious by by the end. Um,

when when I was um attending high school. um here in London, I went to the. American school in St. Johnswood and I. lived directly across the street from. Regent's Park on Prince Albert Road. Oh wow. In this I mean it was a a just goddy. obnoxiously huge house. And um I never. wanted kids from school to see it. So um.

I uh you know we would have like. overnights. When you're a kid you. [clears throat]. I wouldn't have kids spend the night at. at my house. I was always overnight at. at. someone else's house. And um for me to ride my skateboard to. to school, you know, it took a certain. amount of time. And if I if I would. oversleep, I would ride with my dad. My dad was chauffeur driven to work and. and he would uh be reading his newspaper.

in the back seat. And and whenever I. overslept and I had to ride with my dad, the chauffeur would pull up to the. school and I as I got out of the car, I. would hug the chauffeur. [laughter]. Yeah. Like to try to create the. impression that cuz I was just. embarrassed. My dad was in the back seat. like uh being chauffeered around. [laughter] Uh I I don't know what that. is. Um. wanting to fit in. It's every I was the. opposite. Okay. In every respect. [clears throat] no one.

came to my house because it was like it. was the windows were smashed and the. grass was 6 foot high. Um so everything. you described was me but the opposite. for opposite reasons. Like I would I. would pray that the traffic lights near. our school would stop go turn red which. meant that I could get out of the like. this beat up van we drove in as far from. school as possible. Yeah. [laughter]. You worried you're hugging the. chauffeur, right? It's really interesting too. Like. I I went to a super privileged school. too. I mean like uh I attended school.

with the son of the American ambassador. to to the UK. Like I like my my best. friend was this kid Abdullah. His father. was like a crazy like oil tycoon. And uh. when I when I when I was in. for for me fifth and sixth grade I was. in London, England at that time too. Same school. And my father was I'm not even quite.

sure what his job position was but but. worked for Delmonte the canned fruits. and he had to um uh you know like the. all the p there was a pineapple factory. in Kenya. dad had had to go visit this. pineapple factory, I want to say maybe. once a year. And so he planned the trip, his trip to the pineapple factory in. Kenya to coincide with.

uh our our spring break, the one week. off from from school so that he could. take the family on safari. And I have this crazy memory of coming. out of the airport in Nairobi, being ushered into some chauffeur driven. car. I always remembered it as a a. stretch limo. My dad says, "No, we. didn't have it." But whatever. Ushered. into a chauffeur driven car out of the. airport. And um and sitting in the back.

of this car and these these just it was. my first time seeing poverty, like real. poverty. And these people were were. clawing at the windows begging. And I'm just sitting in this car and and. and just thinking, what did I ever do to. deserve to be like I'm not a good kid, you know? Like I I'm just always in. trouble like I don't do just like again. feeling defective, you know, like and I.

was I really wasn't a good kid. I mean, I was always in trouble. Everything was. just a disaster with me. And here I am. inside the car that's being clawed at by. these people who are barely clothed, you. know, and just clearly desperate. And um. that like that was a moment where I felt. genuinely guilty, you know, I had a priv. privilege guilt, you know, and that's. that's worse than success guilt because,

you know, a and again I did everything. wrong. I was always in trouble. got. terrible grades. And my sister, who was. who is three and a half years older than. me, she did everything right, got. straight A's, the the the just did. everything perfect. Somehow. along the way, like my like my sister. um went into a low earning career. She.

was a school teacher, which is. notoriously underpaid, especially for. how important of a job that is. um with. the sing became a single mom with a. special needs kid and and low earning. and and it like. kind of struggles, you know, like like. life is hard for my sister and and like. somehow me the the guy who just did.

everything wrong and then goes on to. have this. stupid career and and everything works. out great for me. So when you said. success guilt, I feel that I I feel like like what why, you know, why did everything work out. great for me and my sister's having a. tough time? And and I struggle with. that, too. I actually um. I uh I I I have a I I've always called.

it kind of survivors guilt, but but. yeah, success guilt, same thing. You your mother um had a brain aneurysm. in 98. You said. um Jackass the pilot was in 99. Yeah. A year later. Yeah. You describe how your mother was ill for. for roughly 5 years before she passed. away and she was um disabled. You're very busy with jackass at that. time. How do you do you deal did do you. did you cope with it? because it doesn't.

seem to me that there's any anyone in. your life really at that point or any. experience that's going to help you deal. with the concept of grief and loss, right? How did you cope with it. if you did at all? Um, [clears throat]. my parents divorced in 1991. I graduated from the American school. here in London, the American school in. London in St. John'swood in 1992. I went off to the University of Miami. Um the right around the time when I went.

to the University of Miami, my mom moved. to Florida as well. Mhm. [clears throat]. Then on that fateful day of October. 10th, 1998, we received word that. mom had this [clears throat] brain. aneurysm. My sister and I flew to. Florida from New Mexico. My dad flew to Florida from England. We. all congregated around. this this crisis with my mom.

At one point, we went to a a nearby. restaurant. just to get a meal. I went outside to. smoke a cigarette and my dad came. outside and he initiated this. conversation. He says, "I've been I want. to tell you that I feel I've done a. disservice to you by not supporting you. in this path that you've chosen. My my. path to be a crazy famous stunt man," he.

said. He said, "I chose a path that my. father, you know, dad broke the mold. becoming a businessman. The idea of that. was pretty repugnant to his father. and and he said that his father had the. same conversation. Well, you chose. something that I would not have chosen. for you, but you're clearly committed to. it and so I just want you to be the best. and you know be the happiest and I. pledge to support you. And I'm thinking,

man, like it's tough because I'm a. loser, you know, like the whole thing. going on with my mom was was kind of. prevalent, but this the side. [clears throat]. conversation like I just felt like, wow, you know, like now dad supports me and. I I I I just did I didn't feel very very. hopeful, I don't think, at that time, but it put a lot of wind in my sales. So. the next year.

I saw this advert on television for a. show called Real TV where they're saying. if you got if you have video home video. footage that's crazy and you think that. we should have it on our show then call. this number and I called the number and. sent them my video tape and they wanted. it and uh and dad helped me negotiate. the the license deal with them and uh it. was meaningful. You know, the this.

pursuit of becoming a crazy famous stunt. man had made my father and I as far. apart as as you know, it really really made us not our. relationship suffer. Mhm. And then ultimately it would bring us. together. And today. my dad is 80 years old, been retired. forever, but he's come out of retirement. and I he's on my payroll.

He uh manages like all kinds of uh. business stuff for me, all my insurance. stuff like. and um. it's crazy. It's insanity. [clears throat]. that that that you just again what what. what drove us so far apart brought us so. close together. And that catalyst moment was your. mother's brain aneurysm. Really? It was. That conversation might not have. happened. And then.

it it it was and now now you pointed to. when Jack asked her to I wouldn't des. well. Okay. Um, my sister and I. both moved from New Mexico to Florida. to be with your mom. To be with my mom. Yeah. And my sister. naturally assumed the role of of. caregiver for my mom. And um I I got.

this opportunity to go uh be a circus. clown on cruise ships. and it just made sense for me to do. that, you know, like um I think that my. overall. attitude. particularly like even going off to work. on cruise ships and then with you know. with with Jackass, I don't think that I had any level of.

like. guilt about it. I think that my my. attitude about pursuing. my own career and to be, you know, with. jackass and everything else, my attitude was that. rather than let this aneurysm. destroy. everything that that I've I've really. strongly wanted to get out there and. really make something of myself and that. that would be the way to honor my mom.

more and and make my mom proud that way. People don't often appreciate how. difficult it is for the everybody around. the individual that's that's sick. And. I've again I've learned that from doing. this having this conversation about just. how sort of debilitating and. difficult it is for everyone around the. individual, especially when they're in a. situation where they become disabled. And your mother's situation was, I mean, she she she couldn't move from. what I understood. She wasn't. necessarily speaking. She was wheelchair bound. She uh had to.

be lifted out of bed and into a. wheelchair and and back. And could she she could speak? [snorts]. She could speak, but. there there it fluctuated how present. she was, how aware she was. Um one of the more aware moments I said, "Mom, I'm going to have a book written. about my life." and she uh she said, "And who's going to write this.

masterpiece?". [laughter]. You know, she was making fun of me and. it was funny like uh the last time that. um that my mom ever laughed was I I came. home. um with the words [ __ ] and [ __ ] tattooed. on my knuckles. And um mom was in the. hospital at that point with the do not. resuscitate order on her bed. Like this. was this was the end. Like it was about.

a month before she passed. And um. I I I walked into her hospital room and. I just didn't, you know, it was just a. tough situation. I didn't and I just. said, "Hey, ma, like check it out and I held up my my. knuckles to her and she she she looked. at it and she said, "Shit [ __ ]. [ __ ] fuck.". And then she said, "My son is a [ __ ]. fuck." and she like she laughed and and.

it's just the most beautiful I thought. it was just the most beautiful thing. like uh she's able to laugh and you know. and um. yeah it's tough man that whole thing's. tough. and and and the toughest thing is just. imagining. when uh when I was struggling in the. beginning like like prior to her an. annual ism. Like there were times when.

uh I'd show her one of my videos. I. said, "Mom, check it out." She says, "Oh. yeah, that that's great, but like h how how. is this ever going to like earn you. anything?" [laughter]. You know, like she didn't ever seem to. be like terribly concerned for my. safety. of those shorter videos of like. jumping off of bridges and [laughter]. like, you know, doing stuff that was. like really pretty dangerous and and uh.

appeared to be life-threatening and and. that never seemed to upset her. What. what she was upset about was that uh. that I I was I didn't have a pot to piss. in. And she would say, "You don't have a. pot to piss in. Like, how am I supposed. to be impressed by this? Where's this. ever going to get?" you know, how's this. ever gonna? She would say, "Show me the. money, [laughter]. you know, show me the money." Like, how. is this going to get you the money? And. um man, like given that that that was.

her position on it and I think that that. she was um largely concerned with the. appearance of things and and um like. less she wasn't ever I never got the. sense that she was worried for my safety. on any level. I think that what she was. concerned with was how I reflected on. her. Interesting. you know, like my son's a. loser. This is a bummer. You know, she. was bummed that I was a loser because.

that reflected badly on her. And um. that's just that's what was important to. her. You know, there's nothing wrong. with that. And um. is that why you want her you'd like her. to be able to see? God, yeah, man. That's the toughest. thing to imagine if uh if we if if she. she had been to rehab many times. she. was in the program of recovery, but she. just couldn't hang on to that, you know? She would always she would just always. end up drinking again. And um I think.

that what would what would cause her to. relapse was was the you know trauma from. the breakup with my dad, which was just. a vicious cycle because what broke her. up with my dad was her drinking. and. then the trauma from the the divorce. would make, you know, it's just a. vicious cycle. But um had she gotten it, had she really really grabbed onto it. and not let go and been in recovery and.

and both of us like she would have just. gotten such a kick out of like. being on being on the red carpet at a. big movie premiere and she would just be. letting me have it, making fun of me for. the dumb [ __ ] I was doing in the movies. Like we'd be laughing. So that was one. thing. My mom had like a sense of humor. She had She was cool, man. She was cool.

And we would we we related to each other. a lot. You're you're 29 November the 7th she. passes away. Correct. A mixture of emotions. I read in your. book um in Professional Idiot, page 194, the overwhelming emotion I felt. afterward was was relief. Sure. Yeah. She like she it this the suffering was. over, you know. It was it was merciful.

like that. There was nothing upsetting. about my mom dying. It was what was. upsetting was the the pain and the. suffering that she had endured for the. five years leading up to her death. Do you ever process that? We talk a lot. about these days about grief and we. understand that grief is a thing and I. don't think we ever did before. Do you. did you ever process that? If I did, it was years later in recovery.

and and digesting the concepts in that. book, Conversations with God. That was when. I finally. Uh. the that that was when I just. developed the idea that mom wasn't. alone, you know, that mom was uh she wasn't.

alone. She like that that was an. experience that she had. as God. And then somehow that just that. it's it doesn't change anything but it. changes everything. Alone. Why why the word alone? Why was that the. concern? Yeah. Just because the. I mean it it's uh. like on on a bigger level like.

mom mom's this one thing, you know? So. there's no such thing as alone. At the same time, jackass starts taking. off, right? So that's roughly around. that time your fame goes through the. roof. Yeah. Well, mom's aneurysm was 1998. I worked on cruise ships for six months. of 1999. I worked in a circus at a flea market. for six months in year 2000. And Jackass.

came out in October of year 2000. And. then yeah, everything. the movie comes out 2002. Yeah. Um you're 28 years old at that time. Your mother passes when you're 29 the. next year. These two things have almost. happened at similar times. Your. trajectory has started to skyrocket. Your mother has passed away. Lots to deal with, lots going on. Fame. is this new thing in your life now and. attention and as you said earlier, like.

worrying about the next meal is maybe. sometimes a better problem than worrying. about the last. Um, this strikes me as. as a real difficult moment in your life. Um, I I the from Professional Lydia, which I [snorts] read, it said, "By by. mid 2007, I was practically living on. diet coke, booze, and nitrous.". A not diet coke, a diet of cocaine. Oh, cocaine. [laughter]. [ __ ] I. DIFFERENCE. It was a It was a diet of coke.

[laughter]. Big difference. Um, you were hallucinating and hearing. voices. Yeah, big time. It's called psychosis. and and it's a fascinating um it's a. fascinating thing. that um there are so many different. substances one can ingest that. might bring about this phenomena of. psychosis.

yet there's so much similarity between. the experiences people have with it uh. even though they take so many different. avenues to get there. And that's partially why I believe that. psychosis um. that there's uh. sort of different compartments maybe.

dimensions and that um we're in our in. our human experience we're uh in a. distinct compartment. uh and that psychosis happens when you. erode. the the barriers to the other. compartments, other dimensions. And by. doing that with with chemical. substances,

um we erode the barriers, kind of open. ourselves up to energies from. other dimensions. um. you open yourself up to like all levels. of it. So you can really let in demons, you know, like like demons being. lowlevel frequency energy and angels. like being higher level. and [clears throat] by uh just consuming.

enough substances. I I I really believe. that you erode the barriers, you open. yourself up to all these energies and um. in comes flooding. demons and and angels. that that's how I. characterize my experiences with. hallucinations. Um. all that stuff is uh demon activity with. some angels mixed in. Um I was reading about this thing called.

the rad email list. Oh yeah. where you sent an email to a. lot of people which I think ultimately. sounds like one of the things that. brought about an an intervention but. right [clears throat] it wasn't one. email it was more of a uh. stream. a barrage. I was inundating a list of 200 roughly. 200 people many of them very influential. people in the the entertainment.

industry, celebrities and agents and just powerful. people, you know, media personalities. Um, a and I was just inundating these 200. people with emails at all hours around. the clock and and effectively. broadcasting my downward spiral in real. time. and and I would send at times.

really funny stuff, you know, at times. uh. just deeply alarming stuff. I was, you. know, I I was. I knew. that how out of control I I was and it. but but I but I was just I was rad. I. mean, I was out of my mind. I was out of. my mind and I was making that abundantly. clear by uh sending video. YouTube had. become a thing. YouTube started in 2005.

So 2007, YouTube allowed me to make really. disturbing videos and then email the. links to 200 people. If I was a flyer on the wall in 2007 in. your life, what would I have seen on an. average day? In 2007, I was renting four apartments in one. building. One of them I just. demolished the walls and built a skate.

park throughout the whole apartment. Um, with permission from the landlord? No, not at all. No, no permission. whatsoever. And it was just with the. there the the I remember there was like. a Russian prostitute operation um in the. adjacent apartment. So they weren't. trying to complain about the noise. There was a stairwell. uh on the other side and beneath was the.

the parking garage. [clears throat] So. it was um there there were never any. complaints for that. And then um a. little bit down the hall was uh I had um. a couple of my buddies living there. One. of one of them was uh you know edited. stuff for me but we very very rarely. Well, I mean he would. he thinks he works hard. Yeah. I mean I I had people like on. salary and they they didn't do too much.

but when I was really out of my mind and. these disturbing videos that I wanted to. email the links to the rat email list my. editor guy was in charge of that. Um, so. yeah, I had the the office, the skate. park apartment, the office apartment, [clears throat] and then I had an. apartment for the assistant. The. assistant really didn't do anything um. except uh explain to people that she. couldn't get a hold of me [laughter]. and change my flights uh when because I.

would always miss my flights. [laughter]. Um, and then I had my apartment which uh. was this is sort of a is where all where. all the really crazy stuff happened. That was that was just my little drug. den. And um I would I would inhale this. nitrous oxide stuff and and it would. come in these little cartridges that. people used to make whipped cream. And a. box of these nitrous oxide cartridges.

would. have there would be 24 cartridges per. box. But if you bought a case, there. would be 25 boxes in the case. And I. believe that 25 time 24 comes to 600. Um, and so I would sit down with 600. cartridges of nitrous oxide and just. inhale. like the the the thing that the.

cartridge goes into this canister. Correct. Yeah. But I'd have two of them. Oh. So I would, you know, crack. I would crack one open, fill that and. inhale it with my lungs filled with. nitrous oxide. I would be busy filling. up the next one. so that when I exhaled the nitrous from. the first, I would then inhale just so I. would not brea I was I wasn't breathing. air as like uh I was brea I was inhaling.

nitrous oxide to the exclusion. of breathing air. I mean, as much as. possible. And my my goal at all times. would be to lose consciousness because. if you um you know, if you do that and. you hold your breath, you you will. become unconscious and you're kind of. twitching and and flopping around and. and uh your lips are all blue and then. and then you come back to and and.

it would uh it's not not healthy. And I. would be doing that and I would be doing. that for days on end while um snorting. cocaine. So it was on on like the second. and. particularly on the third day of being. awake on a cocaine binge while inhaling. nothing but nitrous oxide. Um, that's.

when the the most profound psychosis. with all of the hallucinating. would be going on. You sent out on that rad email one time, suicidal ideiation. Yeah. I I I uh. I um. I mean I was going so crazy in this. apartment and um I uh. very loud and and and um.

destructive in there. And and the the. next department over. was a. a lawyer in his first year of being a. lawyer. Uh so you know like. um a a guy who cared about work and I. was just making all kinds of noise at. all hours and so he was he would call. the police this my neighbor it's insane. you know and um the more that the police.

would show up at my apartment the. angrier I would get at the lawyer who. was calling the police which is a little. bit backwards and that was kind of my mo. like I would I would wrong people and. then I would resent them for their. perfectly natural response to being. wronged by me. [laughter]. Mr. So I would uh you know I would bang on. the guys. I would really antagonize this.

this poor lawyer guy. And um at one. point it it got to uh. to the level where pounding on the wall. I actually pounded a hole in the wall. And um I pounded a hole, you know, on my. side there's the there's the the the. drywall and then in between there's like. the fiberglass stuff and then then. there's his side throughout. I actually. this one night pounded all the way. through his side of the wall, too. So, I.

was actually looking into [laughter] his. apartment, which of course constitutes. vandalism. So, when he called the cops this time. and the the cops showed up, they had no. choice but to actually arrest me for. vandal. He said, "Look, they put a hole. in my wall." So, they um were here to. arrest me. And I was um really really uh. out of it. um like having been. snorting both cocaine and ketamine. So,

I was super out of it and didn't put it. together that I was being arrested and. going to jail with a bag of cocaine in. my pocket. I mean, I probably could have. It would. make sense that. And I remember it was. funny, too, because they said that I was. barefoot and I had no shirt and they. said, "Well, we have to take you to. jail. we have no choice but we will let. you go. put a t-shirt. put on a shirt and some shoes which. which was the perfect opportunity for me.

to go into my apartment and remove the. bag of cocaine from my pocket but I. didn't do that and I said you know [ __ ]. a shirt [ __ ] shoes [laughter]. so I went to jail completely barefoot. and shirtless [laughter] with a bag of. cocaine in my pocket and um. and Then when they, you know, when they. process you into jail, they search, you. know, your pockets, they found the. cocaine, then they arrested me again.

So, I was now I had a felony cocaine. possession charge as well as the. vandalism charge and and this was like. pretty well publicized the you know the. fact of the cocaine and you know the. arrest and um when I was released from. the jail I was in there for like uh I. want to say like three days because the. consensus. among anybody who loved me was he's. better off in jail. So there was no. concerted effort to bail me out, which.

was why I managed to stay in there for I. believe about three days. And then when. I finally did get released from the jail. after the three days and I returned to. my apartment, there was an eviction. notice on the door. So my response to. that was, "Oh, okay. Well, I'm being. evicted." And I went into the apartment. I found more vials of ketamine that I. had stashed in there and I cooked that. all up and um. within a couple hours I was like.

screaming about. God like while jumping up and down on a. parked car and like dealing with more. cops. You were you were manhandled into a. psychord, right? Like. Yeah. Yeah. Well, so I went on this this. this predigious final bender and and uh. I was running out of time before I had. to get my stuff out of the apartment. I. was evicted. So the email to the rad. email list was, "Hey, I have to have my.

stuff out of this apartment because I've. been evicted, but before I have to. be gone, I want to. uh jump a motorcycle. I want to ride a. motorcycle through the living room and. off a ramp and jump it over onto the. building next door, which was very very. small gap. [laughter]. It was not there. It was hardly even a. big stunt. And and it was like two and a.

half stories up. Uh I think I was on the. third floor, but it was really like kind. of two and a half. So maybe like 20 25. feet. And I I said on the rad email. list, and I als I want to jump the. motorcycle onto the roof next door, and. I want to jump out of the bedroom window. into a hot tub. You know, I said, "So, Knoxville, bring a camera crew and a hot. tub. And if you can't do the hot tub, at. least bring some cardboard boxes. But.

I'm jumping out of the window. And I'm. jump, you know, and if you don't come, I'm jumping out of the window anyway. I'm going to jump. I'm going to find out. how many bones break when I land on the. sidewalk 25 ft below. I'm ready to die. Like I was I was like promising that I. was going to jump out of the window and. and break bones on the concrete below. and that qualified me for the. psychiatric evaluation. And they they staged an intervention.

They staged an intervention. Yeah. I. said not so Knoxville responded. I I. forget if he responded with all 200. people on copy. Oh [ __ ] But uh but I said this I did. this on the the rad email list with the. 200 people and and um I said uh. um if Knoxville responded. He says, "Okay, I'll be there." You know, I said, "Be here at 10:00 a.m. Be here at 10 a.m. I'm going to jump.". And what his response was, he says, "Uh,

can we do noon? What's with the early. call times?" Sheesh. [laughter]. So, we agreed on noon. I forget. I I don't think he was. concerned with the early call times. I. think what he was concerned with was. having more time to uh to rally a, you. know, a a group to really do the intervention. But, but by in that email exchange, I I. was not scheduling a shoot for,

you know, for jackass as I thought. I. was actually scheduling my intervention. and that's really where your life seems. to have started to take a new direction. although not linear in any respect. Well, I mean that that that intervention. marked uh the beginning of my journey. I've been clean and sober since that day. which is. I mean the the intervention was March. 9th. The intervention was March 9th of 2009.

Wait, sorry. 8. Yeah, March 9th of 2008. And if we don't count that as our. sobriety date because it's the first day. you didn't get loaded is your sobriety. date. So my. my sobriety date is March 10th of 2008. Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, Zoe. is now sponsoring this podcast and I'm a. proud investor in the company and I've. been going on the Zoey journey myself. It all starts with this home testing kit. you get sent in the post which measures.

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And let me know how you get on when it. arrives. Back to the episode. Over 14. years sober. Over 15 now. Over 15 years sober. Yeah. Congratulations, dude. That's amazing. Honestly, that's. incredible. It. It's so incredible. And I don't say that. to, you know, to be uh self-important. or, you know, like like douchy. It's. just the most profound gift like ever.

And and I I believe strongly that you. know this conversation began with this. dark discussion of alcoholism and and. and how uh just how terrible and and sad. alcoholism is. However, as upsetting as alcoholism and drug. addiction is, it's the only disease where once you.

treat it, you become a better version of yourself. than you were before. And and that's really incredible to me. because any other disease, the best you. can hope for is to get back to as. healthy as you were before you got sick. But for us sober alcoholics and addicts, like we genuinely become improved. versions of ourselves. And the work you've done since has been.

incredible. I mean, you've taken on many. professional pursuits. Um, your stand-up. comedy became a professor of your life. in 2013. Uh, 2010. 2010. Okay. I had the first time I had um gotten on. stage in a comedy club and and uh. performed what what I intended to be. standup comedy was 2006. How did that go? Um, I thought it went a lot better than. it actually did, but um but. the first time I ever got on that stage,

it it wasn't it wasn't a disaster. It. became a disaster later. Um, but but in 2010, once I'd been clean and. sober for just over two years, I I I. pursued standup comedy in earnest. Why standup comedy? I know you've got a. big tour coming up in the UK, but why. standup comedy? I'm trying to understand. the through line between the stunts. It's the the the through line is just. attention seeking,

you know. Um, the first time I ever got on stage to. perform in a comedy club, uh, there was, it was 2006, I believe it was August of 2006, and, um, our second Jackass movie was, um, to. be released a couple months later. Showed up at this comedy club. I walked. in, had no plan for what I was going to. do, and just observing what was.

happening on the stage with somebody. standing there holding a microphone just. speaking to the audience. Um, I thought there's no stunt that. could possibly be crazier than that, you. know, like I'm going to do my my my the. craziest stunt that I could possibly do. is no stunt at all. I'm going to stand. there and speak into a microphone and. try to make the people laugh. This was. genuinely the most terrifying concept. And I was just wasted enough to decide.

I'm going to do that. When it became my. turn to to get on the stage, um I had come up with one joke. And as I. got on the stage, there were people they. were aware of me. They were excited to. see me. I felt like an excitement. [clears throat] Uh they they were there. to have a good time. time they were they. were rooting for me. I mean, of course, like [clears throat]. get on stage. I was Steo Rad. They were. I felt loved. I felt uh they were.

rooting for me. They wanted to have a. good time. Terrified. I got I got on I was terrified. But but. uh but it was it was just it was man it. was uh it was electric, dude. And um you. know I I said you know what's up. everybody? I'm in the mood for a. [ __ ] Does anybody want one? [laughter]. And uh and and and I got a laugh, you. know, like they'd laughed and I just was. so happy about that. And um I couldn't.

have been on that stage for more than. three minutes. Like um I got on and I. got off. Just got out of there and it. was a favorable experience and I decided. that this was something I wanted to. pursue. And you've been pursuing it ever since. There's a an awesome tour coming up in. the UK from June 30th to July 14th, I. believe, called Bucket List. That's. right. And and. which I'm coming to see. Oh, dude. I love that, man. Make sure that that happens. So, [clears throat]. when when I started doing standup in. earnest in 2010,

um I imagined that I was. that I was trying to establish myself as. a stand-up comedian and that I was going. to forge a career with with speaking. into a microphone. And um and and I felt that I felt that I. was well equipped to succeed in that. endeavor because my life has been so.

just uh colorful like the experience. that I've had in my life like to to to. to mine my life experience for material. in standup comedy. Uh it seemed very doable, you know, like. I've got I've got stuff to talk about. So, I I felt that I came into standup. comedy not with just an advantage and. that I had um an audience, a profile, but I I just had interesting material. to, you know,

to to mine. And um. clearly the world was not eager for. the standup comedy of Steo. You know, I. think that they're. the bar for the stuff that I was known. for, like to to go from like the the the. the shocking like unbelievable like. crazy visual. stuff that I'd become known for.

and then appear speaking into a. microphone. It seems like a. mismatch and expectation. Yeah. Like. that's always disappointment, isn't it? Right. like and and maybe this is from. my own perception I'm not sure but with. all of the self-doubt with all of the. um you know ne negative self-t talk I. just still persisted and um I I wasn't.

super successful in the beginning and. like of course not but I was successful. enough. to get booked by comedy clubs and then. be welcomed back and I would go around. this comedy club circuit around the the. United States. And I did just well. enough to go back around the loop. And. that loop lasted for 11 years in comedy. clubs and and um I I tirelessly.

persisted. I I I genuinely didn't. I put. in work and I developed this craft of. storytelling and and standup telling. jokes along the way. I taped. two comedy specials. The first one was. me and a microphone and uh some. intermittent stunts I performed on stage. throughout the act. Mhm. And as I put together what would become. the next comedy special, I put together.

this this new act to tour with. It. occurred to me that the stories I was. telling in this new act had. for the most part all. happened on camera. And I had the idea, wow, what if for my next comedy special, I I perform the act, but in postp. production, I edit into.

the special interstitial footage of. these stories unfolding. A love that depth to the storytelling. Oh, dude, my head exploded. I got so. excited. I I couldn't even I couldn't. even stand it. Wow. like I'm going to. have a my next comedy special is going. to be multimedia. Uh that that one I put out myself. Um. and uh. and then it was time to put together the. third show. So now I knew that for this.

third show, which is bucket list. The bucket list, correct? that I needed. to. film all new stuff which would lend. itself to all new standup material and. it had to be crazier than [ __ ] It had. to be crazier than ever. And that's what people will see if they. go. Okay. For sure. Th this uh. there there were just ideas that came up. over the years that were that were. genuinely. never supposed to happen on any level,

but they were they were just. ideas that I was so fond of because they. were crazy things to say. I can't wait. The idea was to push things further than. Jackass ever could. And there's no way. that. you do that and there's not a story to. tell. You know, there's [laughter]. like the the the challenges of of making. these things happen. It's just there's.

uh it's inherently. juicy. material for standup. There's just no. way around it. and and one step further. is that. um I've worked so hard on um developing. the ability to be in a healthy. relationship with a life partner. So I was just about to ask you this was. my last question which was about Lux, right? My fiance Lux and and the the the.

bucket list show is every bit as much. about these. ultra highlevel jackass stunts and how. they were conceived and executed. It's. every bit as much about that as the. implications. of carrying out these bucket list items. on my relationship with my fiance. What. I was actually going to ask you about. was specifically kind of the. juxtaposition of what's making you. successful here seems to me as a guy.

that's got into a relationship struggled. to find a relationship for my own. reasons with my childhood seems to be. the antithesis the very opposite of what. it takes to be successful in a. relationship which is like the stability. the I don't know the the the calm the. right. and over here we're seeking instability. and here in a relationship there need I. don't know there needs to be a certain. stability that I think How. well. to derive. one's self-worth and self-esteem from.

external validation. uh the way that that we do in show. business. like for for for me to. base my. self-worth and self-esteem on how. successful ful I am as Steo. It just plainly presents a dark and.

upsetting future as the spotlight. waines, you know, like the. the. and and and I can't and this is. something that that became very clear to. me 15 years ago when I got sober was. that for me to be happy and and healthy. on any level, it is of paramount. importance. that I find some separation between me.

and the persona of Steo. And um. with that kind of ruminating in my mind. and and as I when I got into the standup. like I I was acting out sexually as much. as possible on the road while doing. standup and and at that time I was um in. my late 30s approaching 40 and and it. just occurred to me man this is not the.

the the the road to being happy and you. know I got to learn if I want to be. happy later in life I need to learn how. to have a healthy relationship. That was. a a belief that I subscribed to and I. got to work on learning how to be in a. healthy relationship. And thank God I. did because I'm terrified of being a. washedup. old attention [ __ ] that nobody wants to.

pay attention to anymore. And being alone. And being alone. That sounds like the. most terrifying. like awful thing. And so. what does it what does she mean to you, Lux? I mean she you said something. earlier that uh that the the design for. living in the 12 steps and this is in my. you know kind of extrapolating on what. you said you said that the principles of. honesty openmindedness and willingness. are helpful to all people and I'll take. that a step further that the design for.

living outlined in the 12 steps is. something that. you don't have to be an alcoholic or an. addict to benefit from. But what Lux is. as a person is somebody who. automatically does that stuff, you know? She's automatically honest. you know, she's automatically. like open, willing, like like she's. automatically does the right thing, you.

know, where I had to to really really. work and train myself to be honest and. to do the right thing, you know, and uh. you know, she's just automatic. It's. just automatic to her. and and Lux's. capacity for love is so. staggering. Like her, it's just so. natural to her to to be loving and and. it it blows me away. We both like with.

animals, we're out of our minds. We love. animals so much. And um Cathy, the way. that Lux loves me and the way that she. wants me to love her, like just uh No, no, no. Hold like. the way that we like hold each other. The way that like she's she's she's. taught me to love. She's she's increased. my capacity to love. And and that's.

that's the biggest deal, man. It's It's. massive. Such a beautiful thing. Steo, thank you. So, Steo, Steven, thank you so much. Um, we we have a. closing tradition on this podcast where. the last guest leaves a question for the. next guest. Okay. Um, and the question that's been left. for you is one of the most interesting. questions that's ever been left. In. fact, they don't know who they're. leaving it for. Good. So, it's a totally They said, "What can. Steven.

So, you've filled in the blank.". No, no, no, no. They literally wrote, "What can Stephen?" Well, and they're. talking about me. Oh, okay. I mean, if they spel they spelled it. with your name with a ph. They say, "What can Steven, this beautiful man, improve about himself?". So, that's my quote. What can I improve. about myself? It's They're asking you to tell me what. I can improve about myself. Okay. Cuz they didn't know you were called. Steven. So, they said, "What can Steven, this beautiful man, improve about. himself?" Honesty. and.

you didn't speak about yourself very. much, but but one thing that you did say. um you seemed to. point to the deficiency in your. relationship with your girlfriend. being that you're so consumed with work. and uh that you said something about she. wants quality time. you can't compensate. for your. uh you know all of your energy and time.

going into your career and that you want. to compensate by with material things. and and that but that she's no no. interest in material things she wants. quality time. and um I think that uh that you and I. both um have this uh this drive this. this this hustle this this urge to. succeed and um I think that uh.

that that both of us would do well to. find. our success in our relationships. Every. study about about longevity and health. and happiness. 100% points to relationships as the. source of happiness and true health. comes from the quality of our.

relationships. Not the numbers in our. bank account, but the quality in our. relationships. So um. I think that the the my answer for you. is the same the same for me is just that. uh. you know that we should put the emphasis. on our quality time in our relationships. that we do on our hustle. And it's it's. the the reason why I I don't is because.

I think of some of the stuff that I said. earlier about like where I came from and. being a poor family and all. So like my. survival innately in me or my validation. comes from my work. So I'm like being. pulled by this like insecurity and the. shame from my childhood over here like. become [ __ ] become everything that. you weren't and you know and then on the. other hand my sense goes well Steve the. happiest times in your life the the all. the studies I've sat here with the guy. that did that 95year-old study on um men. and found that they live I think it's.

like 14 years longer if they have a. meaningful relationship. I know. logically, right? But then emotionally and the scar the. scar tissue in me goes, "No, you need to. validate yourself." Right? I'm being. dragged by that still to you know, right? And hustle, but but not in a way. that that undermines or or detracts from. the quality of the relationships. Is that that's what you're doing? [laughter].

I mean like uh. I mean yeah [ __ ] Lux and I have a rule. that that we we were not to be apart for. more than two weeks. I love that. And and we spent two days together over. the course of six weeks. We broke our. rule badly. And that's not cool, man. Sucks. Yeah. So, um, if I wasn't so, you know, so so operating from fear,

that's the that's the the difference. Hustle because you love it, not because you're. not because you're afraid of the. post-apocalyptic, [laughter]. you know? And there's this concept I've been. toying with a lot on this podcast. between the distinction between being. driven and being dragged. And sometimes. I'm being dragged. Driven is the like intentional. Sounds. like, you know, kind of the the. intentional hustle with control over the. hustle. Dragged is like [ __ ] fear. Like if I don't, then I'm not enough. And. right, I've taken so much of your time. I dude, thank you so much. Really, really.

appreciate it. A pleasure to meet you. and I've learned so much. Incredibly. surprising, wisdomfilled conversation. that graced so many different aspects. Um, I'm so excited to see Bucket List. I'm sure all of my audience are as well. The 13th is the date to be there, right? Hacking Empire. That's where I'll be. I'm looking. I think that we might be able to open up. some tickets on the 14th. Okay. [clears throat]. Um but but I don't know and I don't know. how many. I just know that as I sit here. now the the show on the 13th just went.

live. So that's that's a whole show that. I got to fill. So link is in the description below to. get tickets in the YouTube description. and on the audio apps. It's in the. description below. And I hope to see you. guys there. Thank you so much, dude. Thank you, bro. [music]. A quick word on Hule. As you know, they're a sponsor of this podcast and. I'm an investor in the company. One of. the things I've never really explained. is how I came to have a relationship. with Hule. One day in the office many. years ago, a guy walked past called. Michael and he was wearing a Hule. t-shirt. And I was really compelled by. the logo. I just thought from a a design.

aesthetic point of view, it was really. interesting. And I asked him what that. word meant and why he was wearing that. t-shirt. and he said it's this brand. called Hule and they make food that is. nutritionally complete and very very. convenient and has the planet in mind. And he the next day dropped off a little. bottle of Hule on my desk and from that. day onwards I completely got it because. I'm someone that cares tremendously. about having a nutritionally complete. diet. But sometimes because of the way. my life is that falls by the wayside. So, if there was a really convenient,

reliable, trustworthy way for me to be. nutritionally complete in an affordable. way, I was all ears. Especially if it's. a way that is conscious of the planet. Give it a chance. Give it a shot. Let me. know what you think. [music]. [music]. Hey. Hey. Hey.