Mia Khalifa Opens Up About The Dark Side Of The Adult Entertainment Industry | E248

I I couldn't scream loud enough there's. nothing I could do to make it go away or. to make them stop I I didn't. are UK talking about this. um. can we take a break Mia Khalifa Mia. Khalifa Mia Khalifa Mia Khalifa I'm. Sarah I'm Sarah [ __ ] Joe Sarah Joe. the former adult film star now business. owner and social media activist with. over 50 million followers where should. this story start I lived through a lot.

of conflict in Lebanon and then I moved. to America and I was bullied for being. Middle Eastern it was around the time of. 9 11 that was pretty difficult made a. lot of choices that I can't take back. your husband when you're 18 years old is. encouraging you towards the adult. entertainment industry what did they. stand to gain from that. fetishization I [ __ ] up because I. signed a contract that says in. perpetuity on it do you know how. dangerous and predatory that is when was. your anxiety at its highest the company.

going after me publicly the major. production companies tray on vulnerable. young women. shower I didn't brush my teeth and eat. didn't leave my bed it's following me. for the rest of my life but I am not the. sum of the things I've been through or. the adversities I've faced for people. that are really struggling how did you. get out of that phase. foreign.

and no this is an emergency I've spent. the last two years writing a book and. I've written 33 laws for business. marketing and life that I derive from. all of these conversations I've had here. I traveled the world to write this book. I interviewed some of the most. incredible people I did. six months of extensive research on. scientific studies and principles to. cooperate everything that I wrote into. these 33 laws and ladies and gentlemen.

that book called The Diary of a CEO the. 33 laws for business marketing and life. is now available for pre-order. and there are five thousand only five. thousand signed copies. and its first come first serve the link. is in the bio right now so if you want. that book honestly it's the best book. I've ever written it's the book I always. should have written it's the book I also.

wish someone had written for me when I. was starting out in my career. I'm really proud of it I'm really really. proud of it really really proud of it. and I can't wait for all of you to get. to read it it's out in August I couldn't. be more excited about this as you can. probably tell I don't know what to say. to say other than the words I've said to. emphasize my excitement because I think. it's important and I think it's really. valuable. um Link in the description. [Music].

where should where does Your Story start. what is the most sort of pertinent. moment that you recall from your memory. that is shape the woman that has sat in. front of me today. it honestly feels like. the last year or two that's that's where. that's where my life started and where I. should start because the woman that's in. front of you right now has been a work. in progress and is still a work in. progress and I feel like I've been my. like my most authentic and purest form.

of myself in the past year or two. like the closer to today we get the more. secure I feel and who I am and who that. person is but obviously there was a lot. of other things that. happened to get me to this point but. yeah to answer that question like a year. or two let's start at the end then um. which is today yeah why why. the closer we are to today the more. authentic you feel to yourself why I'm.

I'm going after the things I actually. want and I'm growing into my confidence. and. the self-assurance that I've gained from. from doing the things I love and. accomplishing my goals has formed who I. am and it feels really good and it feels. very validating and it's just. it's never clicked before and they. always say like oh the confidence is the. key to everything confidence will unlock.

everything for you and I never really. understood that because it's like okay. where the [ __ ] does the confidence come. from how do you just simply get. confident and. um I have grown to realize that. confidence comes from. just accomplishing things that you want. to accomplish and being proud of. yourself and that Pride. makes you feel confident like I I feel. confident even when I mess up now. whereas if I messed up. five six ten years ago it would send me. into. a pit of Shame.

um a really unhealthy. just. downward spiral that would get me. nowhere. foreign. did you ever imagine being here did you. ever imagine being in the state you. currently are today happiness confidence. etc etc and I don't want to put words in. your mouth there in terms of the word. happiness but the place you are today. in the res over the last 10 did you. imagine you would get to this point or. did this seem unimaginable.

it seemed unimaginable for a while but. my mental health was also not as strong. as it is today. um there was there was a lot of periods. in my life where I couldn't see past. 48 Hours let alone 10 years it was very. day-to-day for a while and I think. that's why I'm so confident because. right now if you ask me what I can see. in 10 years I feel like I can answer. that I know what I want I know what my. goals are and what I want to accomplish. so.

yeah even in interviews five years ago. when they would ask me where do you see. yourself in five years I would always. say I have no [ __ ] clue I don't know. where I see myself next week. and what changed. taking risks honestly. um. just taking a few risks here and there. and seeing them play out for the better. and. learning from my mistakes and learning. what I want and. saying no to a lot of things to get to.

what I want like job opportunities and. and things that didn't really align with. what I thought I wanted in a year or two. or five years or even 10 years as like. my confidence started to grow and I. started to actually see life plans for. myself. um. taking taking risks and. walking away from those risks either. having them play out for the better or. um. learning from the mistakes and learning. oh this didn't work this is what I need. to do next time oh this didn't work I.

crossed my own. I I crossed the boundary of mine and now. I don't feel good now I know this is. past where I should be pushing myself a. lot of trial and error. confidence confidence is a through line. throughout your story. um take me back to your earliest. memories of lacking in confidence yeah. and where because you know I came to. this country from Botswana in Africa. when I was a young young boy and I.

struggled I think we both struggled with. um being accepted by the culture we had. arrived in me and Plymouth only black. kid curly hair trying to figure out why. my hair's not straight relaxing it. chemically all the time. um why were there any black family in. this all white school etc etc and then. that battle with like the lack of. enoughness not feeling like I was enough. and what I did to try and make myself. feel like I was enough but take me back. to your story at the earliest moment. where you struggled with. um not feeling like you're enough or.

confident enough. I mean it does it's not even coming to. America it's being in Lebanon there was. colorism there I was the darkest one in. my family there was colorism at the. school that I was at. um I felt like a bit of an outsider. because I was darker than what the. beauty standard for a Lebanese girl is. which is light light skin light lighter. skin all of undertones dark hair green. eyes like that's the epitome of a. beautiful woman in Lebanon. um and then I moved to America and that.

just got. it went to the extreme side of that I. was definitely one of the. darkest kids I was bullied for being. Middle Eastern it was around the time of. 9 11 that was pretty difficult. um especially since. it was in Washington DC and Washington. DC was heavily impacted by 9 11. UM the. Pentagon was hit New York is not that. far from us it's about four hours like. so many people in my school either had. family and parents that worked at the.

Pentagon it was a lot of. bullying that then turned into. internalized racism and all I wanted to. do from then forward like you said you. wanted to relax your hair you wanted to. you you wanted to assimilate and fit in. I also wanted the same thing and I just. I held that in and it it turned into. internalized racism. how did that go through because I I. often reflect and I'm I think it's taken.

me time to look back in hindsight and. realize what I was feeling versus in the. moment you're kind of just in a state of. like defense it's like how do I get. through today how do I get these people. to like me versus you know and I look. back and think no man you had so much. shame like you were carrying around. shame and insecurity. um how did that go at that time so you. how old are you at this point seven ten. eleven. um eight nine eight nine okay. and how how were you aware of your. feelings I guess is the question yeah. yeah yeah very much so I think I think.

yeah I've always been. an introvert and. um very aware of of what I was going. through and. angsty and even like going into my teen. years I've always been aware of the fact. that I what I was feeling is shame or. what I was feeling is. um. I'm not feeling like I'm enough I. feel like yes I've always been aware of.

that feeling it there was also confusion. with it but. I think self-awareness has been. prevalent the whole time what was your. relationship like with yourself in those. teen years I was very hard on myself. um I was very. angry at myself for not fitting in and. for not being a certain way and. um. yeah just.

I did not like myself. I didn't like the reflection in the. mirror and. me not liking the reflection in the. mirror obviously affected my confidence. my self-esteem everything so in turn I. also didn't like the choices that I was. making which made me not only hate the. reflection but hate the person that I. was with at the end of the day. the choices you're making yeah. um I think insecurity leads you to. leads you to do things for validation. that you otherwise wouldn't if you were.

securing yourself or if you respected. yourself or if you loved yourself. like relationship choices relationship. choices. um lifestyle choices anything anything. what are some of those so in the context. of relationships I'm doing this. conversation with multiple people I've. started to sort of piece dots together. around if your self-esteem is lacking. you might become a people pleaser yeah. in your in your work so you might you. know be exploited by your work and you. might not get what you deserve in your.

job is there anything else that you've. seen as a symptom or a consequence of. having real low self-esteem that people. might be able to relate to. like for you so much it's such a broad. spectrum because you can either turn. into a people pleaser or you can turn. into an insufferable a people pleaser on. the surface level everyone loves it. people pleaser they they want to please. everybody but the downside of a people. pleaser is they want to please everybody. they.

have no boundaries with themselves or. with other people they don't respect. their own boundaries they don't respect. others boundaries if they're. people-pleasing person a and what person. B wants goes against what person a wants. they will find a way to please both of. them so a people pleaser. also turns into. someone who lies someone who deceives. someone who is a habitual boundary.

Crosser with themselves and with other. people like it's there's there's a. spectrum to it I would say it was. definitely a people pleaser I also. sought validation from. from people who's looking back on it now. whose opinion I probably shouldn't have. respected back then let alone today. um. so that is that was a that was a. downside. um. made a lot of choices that I that I. can't take back. porn being one of the biggest ones but I.

feel like that wasn't even the first one. the first one was getting into a. relationship that I never should have. been in with someone who. was. extremely abusive extremely. dangerous in the sense that. looking back on it and and having the. self-awareness and and being able to. call it what it was is. grooming it was.

it was. it was just a relationship that. I feel like a lot of girls get into when. they're in their late teens. what what does that happen what do you. mean this really getting into a. relationship when you're roughly 18. years old wasn't it the relationship. started when I was 16. okay and then. went until I was about 20. and this. person was significantly older than you. yes. yes the. age difference was how to play in that.

Dynamic my low self-esteem had a play in. that Dynamic. um. everything was just kind of like. 16. yeah. this person's double your age no no no. it was about a 10-year age difference. okay. and at 16 what were you when you looked. forward to your future had you ask. yourself that question about you know. what happens in 10 years time no I. wouldn't have known what happened in a. week's time it was I mean.

I got I got talked into eloping to Las. Vegas four days after my 18th birthday. so if you ask me where I see myself in. five years I don't I don't know I would. have looked at you with doe eyes and. said I don't know and then looked over. again where do you see me in five years. like. I. I didn't have. a sense of self so I attached myself to. someone who was more than happy to abuse.

that and someone who could see that and. see someone easily. manipulatable yeah but. at the same time. eager to please. so. yeah it was just the perfect storm. Perfect Storm yeah you got married at. 18. yeah. even that is. uncommon to say the least yeah. um do not recommend it.

So when you say like this this you know. this person clearly took advantage of. several things that were present in you. whether that was low self-esteem or. um you know just general inexperience. and naivety of being a young a young. woman. um. which direction in life did they push. you in towards. did they push you towards becoming a a. really good partner to them or do they. put you push in a professional direction. or was it did they pull you towards them. themselves yeah it was there there was.

there was no encouragement there was no. pushing towards anything it was an. extremely unhealthy relationship and. I I even feel weird calling it a. relationship because the dynamic was not. one of a relationship it was more one of. someone who saw a toy to play with. um. they were. the industry they were in is probably. not the one that you're thinking of they. were in the Army so it wasn't even it.

had nothing to do with. the porn industry but it also had. everything to do with it they were the. ones who. kind of. put that whole world in front of me and. encouraged it and they encouraged it oh. very much so your husband yeah. struggle to understand. this. how so your husband when you're 18 years. old is encouraging you towards the adult.

entertainment industry it started off as. just online. but then eventually yeah when when I was. asked to to. I was given I was given a business card. and told to think about it I went home I. laughed it off and the consensus was you. should do it I think it would be great. that's what I mean okay so you'll um I. read this story you were out out at. lunch somewhere someone a guy walks up. to you when you're how old.

20 and gives you a business card and. says if you ever want to consider. getting into the entertainment industry. here's my number you take that home I. was wondering this when I read read. about that part of your story um. what happened post that business card. you know because I think when she was. married so you know I've got a partner. my my girlfriend comes home and says a. man's come up to me in the street and. given me a card and made me an offer. like that. um. my I'm gonna be honest my natural. disposition would be to like [ __ ].

plan the card yeah. like well they were also unhealthy had. mental health issues that. I don't know if they've ever addressed. but. it's a sickness and. they were not the right but what the. whole point of this is when your. relationship with yourself isn't right. you are not going to find the right. person you're not going to choose the. right person you're not going to choose. someone who. wants the best for you or will bring the.

best out of you because you don't want. that for yourself. what were they getting out of it are you. doing that you accepting the invitation. from that business card what did they. stand to gain from that. fetishization really that was it. so there wasn't a commercial element or. anything like that for them. do you forgive that person. no I forgive myself yeah yeah do you. think there's a need to forgive people. in life. um I think you need to forgive yourself. for if someone has crossed your boundary.

you need to forgive yourself for letting. that happen for giving them a position. in your life to hurt you like that me. telling you that wasn't to. explain or shift blame it was to give. context as to where I was mentally. how would you from from that point. onwards from 20 years onwards then for. the next couple of years when you look. back at the the mere. um Sarah Sarah yeah. yeah yeah but it also it's not I don't.

take offense to I did I did. a while ago but I don't take offense to. it or I don't feel like my name's. actually Sarah it's either or you. probably could Sarah I do yeah yeah okay. um so that's Sarah through that period. of your life characterized by low. self-esteem people around her. um capitalizing on that in various. different ways you in your own words not. knowing better at that time in your life. um at that point in your life 20 21 22. you go and study right so you you study. at University.

again with the aim of pursuing some kind. of academic academic or professional. Pursuit and what was that history. history yeah didn't really see. even then I didn't see like a like a. future doing anything I just thought I. really enjoy studying history felt like. watching a movie like it I I'm enamored. with like it it's my favorite subject it. felt like the easiest thing. um. the second easiest thing is like. psychology oh I love psychology yeah.

exactly they're the interesting ones. they're the juicy they're the juicy. Majors. um. I didn't see myself doing anything other. than. whatever I had going on the next week. and then I guess the furthest I thought. ahead was I guess I'll. work in archives or work in a museum or. something I didn't have a plan like oh I. want to be a teacher or something. I've heard you talk about weight loss. and weight related issues attached to. the self-esteem conversation what role. did your weight play in um all of this. and the self-esteem and the confidence. and Body Image issues and all that I.

think a pretty large one. my weight now still fluctuates and the. more that I've worked on myself in. therapy the less that bothers me and my. and affects my relationship with myself. so even. in the months where I feel like I do not. look like myself I don't feel like. myself I've let myself go a little bit. it doesn't affect me the way it used to. 10 years ago. um I don't fall. yeah I I don't let it get to me as much. anymore but it did for a very long time.

because it was. um. I weighed like 60 pounds more than this. which is a lot that's a huge amount of. weight to lose yeah I read that the ways. that you lost that weight were slightly. um troubling yeah I mean I wasn't eating. well I wasn't. exercising well I had unhealthy habits I. was young. therapy you went to therapy that's. helped you get to to where you are today. yeah what role has therapy played in. your life and when did you first start. going to therapy oh the biggest role.

2016. yeah. the biggest role I don't I mean I'm. still in therapy I don't see myself ever. stopping really. I cycle out therapists it's like. yeah I love it I love I love feeling. like okay I'm ready. I'm ready for a first start I'm ready. for someone new I'm ready for a new. perspective. um it's it's it's a way to keep me. grounded. every week I have to sit down and. analyze.

myself my my thoughts my past like I. have to dig down and actually come face. to face with the decisions I've made the. my ways of thinking my my relationship. with myself like there's accountability. with therapy and I think that's the. biggest impact I guess accountability. yeah what are they when you've dug down. and sought to understand yourself. um what are some of the key takeaways. you've taken from from therapy. as it reads so when I think about that. question if I was beyond the receiving.

end of it one of the first things that. comes to mind is actually my my ongoing. evolution of understanding why I was so. avoidant in relationships like always. running away from any woman even if I. pursued her and then she turned and said. okay let's be boyfriend and girlfriend I. would just bounce and I had sort of like. toxic model of like what love was from. my parents but then also all the shame. and insecurities like I think I'm. ambitious no I'm being dragged by this. need to be enough right so those are. kind of the two two Top Line ideas that. I took away from my experience with sort. of introspection are there any like big.

picture ideas that you've taken away. from therapy that were Epiphany moments. connected dots. that's a loaded question because I I'm. so grateful for all of the information. I've learned about myself like like the. dots I've been able to connect like how. being triggered by something. a friend of mine says is actually. related to the way that I felt like the. way that I felt ostracized on the. playground when no one wanted to play. with me and like one little thing even.

though they didn't mean it that way or. or even. had any malicious intent behind it has. then taken me back to. that 12 year old girl who just feels so. alone and doesn't know what she did. wrong and and just wants to people. please and. I think the best part of therapy is. within a split yeah have you seen that. so raven no it's this show with Raven. Simone on the Disney Channel when we. when we were growing up and she has. these Visions she's a psychic and she.

just like stares off into space and then. she zooms out and then she zooms back in. and no time has gone but she saw maybe a. 30 minute Vision play out. um but she comes back and it's been like. a split second and that's how that's. what therapy feels like it takes me back. and I analyze that moment and I. understand that that moment is not this. moment and my friend. cares about me and she's not actually. trying to make me feel like no one wants. to play with me on the playground just. because she said you can come if you.

want and not I want you to come you know. what I mean. um I think that's. that's the magic behind therapy it gives. you time traveling superpowers. has it has it changed your perception of. the period of your life where you enter. the adult entertainment industry has it. has it changed your perception yeah yeah. absolutely I spent so much time. wondering why did I do this this is not. me I was in it for such a short amount. of time and the entire time I was doing.

it I was also asking myself every day. why am I doing this what is wrong with. me what is wrong with me that's like the. number one question and. I know what was wrong with me I had low. self-esteem I had no boundaries with. myself I didn't respect myself I didn't. like myself so many things were wrong. with me and all of these things. anyone can work on. it's hot it is it is hard though it's. hard once you become self-aware. there's no going back I think I cried. more in the first two years of being in.

therapy than I ever did going through. anything I did in my in in my in my life. in my Adolescence in my early teens and. anything. this is why a lot of people don't go to. therapy it's hard it's hard that. self-awareness is like I mean. it's it's it no and especially once you. start realizing things about people in. your life that you've kind of put. rose-colored glasses on for all your. life. to make up excuses or to kind of change. the situation in your head so that you.

don't actually have to face what the. reality was or or the fact that wow this. is actually a really situation this. person that I. love who's supposed to support me who's. supposed to be there for me was actually. not that great in Heinz not even in. hindsight in. in 2020 site in actual vision. and the um the shedding that takes place. when you can you become setting that's a. great way yeah that's great that's. exactly how it feels slowly letting.

these pieces go. um what's interesting is when I read. about your your life post at the adult. entertainment industry which was only a. couple of months anyway all in all um. you sounded incredibly isolated so when. I think about the word shedding I think. of all these people that you're letting. go but in that period you sounded like. you were alone I remember the story of. you going to Austin and meeting your. friend on Twitter it's all those kinds. of things. um take me to that period then so you. you make the decision that that that. career is not for you.

um what happens the next you know the. next day week month. post that [ __ ] loneliness I was. living in an efficiency in inefficiency. is not even a studio it's. where this rug cuts off to that wall. that is wider than what it was but. definitely the length my toilet my. bathroom sink was also my kitchen sink. there was no stove there was a broken. window that I had tape over and there. was only one window it was it was like.

it was it's a room I think they're. popular in South Florida or like I I. don't think you have them here because I. don't think they're legal to like sell. as Living Spaces. um very lonely extremely lonely but. at that point in my life loneliness was. better than what I was doing before and. that I think was the start of. the tiniest tiniest tiniest bit of. confidence that gave me the confidence. to take the risk of moving to Austin and.

starting a new life and I was so lonely. I was so broke I was so lost I was so. confused but all I was completely 100. sure of was. I don't want to do porn I've never. wanted to do porn I'm never gonna go. back to that. and standing firm on my ground in my. morals in my boundaries in just. everything that that was like the. tiniest glimmer of confidence starting. to grow. standing firm in my boundaries even if I.

didn't know that was a boundary I. couldn't pinpoint it I couldn't call it. that I didn't know what it was I didn't. have the verbiage or the knowledge or. the self-awareness to. call it what it was but that was how it. started I would not if I. if I hadn't moved to Austin I wouldn't. have started therapy I wouldn't have. that. that was the domino effect of. in a positive way in my life it could. have gone a completely other way and it. does for so many people and I'm.

so so so grateful that. I was able to get out. that first domino falling which took you. to Austin in that new Direction was. there a catalyst was there something. that pushed that Domino. because I noticed that in this in the. sort of timeline of events you then at. the same time separate from your partner. around a similar time and then you leave. the adult entertainment industry is was. there a catalyst because those two. things those two decisions are huge. decisions and they feel correlated they.

feel like they're attached I had nothing. to lose and I think that I also knew I. need to get the [ __ ] out of Miami I was. in Miami at the time and it was where. everything happened and I just did not. want to be there anymore it was it it. felt daunting it felt like walls closing. in on me everywhere I went. um was there like a catalyst day though. something that happens that makes you go. fat I need to or was it just slow yeah. it was it was I mean it was the day I. met my best friend on Twitter I had I. didn't meet her that day on Twitter her. and I had been following each other for. a while she was.

posts memes I like them vice versa. um. he her and I were talking about. something oh she said I'm looking for a. roommate I'm asking around the office. for a roommate and I said what if I. moved to Austin I don't want to live in. Miami anymore and then I started looking. up. how do you move States like what does it. take what does it require what paperwork. do I need for my dogs like all of that. stuff and then within a month I was. packed up and moved. and was that was there a catalyst for. you deciding to leave the adult.

entertainment industry even though you. were there for a couple of months was it. I think I think it was. how overwhelming everything became so. fast. uh okay like that that was the reality. check it was like it was like a like. they when they turned the lights on at. the club at four in the morning like. whoa the floors are sticky and nothing. looks the same this is not what I. signed up for it's not what I expected I. [ __ ] up. that's not a typical experience for an. actress in that industry no no it is a.

very atypical experience because you. went from obscurity to. to number one in an industry in in weeks. yeah. so you you got hit by a [ __ ] truck. yeah. okay that makes sense okay. you become a paralegal yeah for a very. short period of time like six months. tell me all about that nothing really. much to say it was for an insurance. defense firm it was pretty boring and it. was very much like like corporate the.

insurance company that they represented. was. it was Geico so it was like a very. boring thing and it was. it was just paper pushing um it was. really weird to work there especially. since that was my first job where. I did it I I did the application and I. went into it thinking this is the shift. this is this is me putting Mia Khalifa. behind me and this is me like trying to. be a real human. um did not work everyone in the office.

recognized me it was a very. uncomfortable work environment not. because. not because anyone was. overtly. inappropriate it was just. simply being in an office knowing anyone. who walked through did Double Take and. is like are you. so that was uncomfortable. um and then after that. I worked at a construction company just. doing bookkeeping and office work and. same thing I would have to go on a job. site and. the owner of the company just.

made it so I like I. I can't go on job sites it was a. distraction it was not a good idea it. was people would be that in that. situation people would be inappropriate. sometimes but. yeah I I started to feel like a burden. in the office is where I was and I hated. that feeling and I was actually sitting. at that construction job in the office. when I was talking to Rachel and the DMs. like I'm gonna move to Austin let's do. it anxiety yeah.

has that been a big part of your life. for much of your life yes very much so. and I think that has been prevalent from. the very beginning. the very beginning is in since you were. a kid or a teenager or yeah probably. even in utero I mean my parents grew up. in the Civil War in Lebanon and I lived. through. a lot of conflict in Lebanon whether it. be civil or the surrounding countries or. whatever but we left for a reason and. it's because it was dangerous so I think. I've always had that.

like I jump when I hear a noise I jump. when someone who's been in the room for. four hours with me speaks even though. they haven't because they haven't spoken. in 10 minutes like I get scared like I. I'm a jumpy person. probably because of that. when was your anxiety at its highest. 2019-2020. okay. so that's post Austin oh yeah yeah it. was when it was post everything but it.

was. in the midst of uh the porn company. going after me publicly and. re-re releasing things and digging up. footage that was corrupted in in 2012 20. in 2013 whenever it was shot and. releasing it like it was new and that. coming back into the new cycle and them. just being. extremely abusive and exerting. improving that they still have control.

over me because I signed a contract that. says in perpetuity on it. your life had had started to move oh. yeah I was married again I'm married. again 2019. you're where are you living. at this point I was living in L.A. um. yeah. I was living in La I was doing my own. thing I. was. starting. to figure out what it was I wanted to do.

and and where I want like things were. really good that year it was it was the. year I had that little cameo in that. incredible show Rami. um that was that was really that was a. huge moment for me and I'm so grateful. for that moment and I'm so upset that. that moment was kind of overshadowed by. all of the negativity that came from. um the. the porn company in the subsequent. months. the porn company. um coming after you and attacking you.

not something you would expect from a. company. a billion dollar company at that yeah it. goes to show you how Petty and personal. it is. um because the people who are behind it. aren't aren't exactly the CEOs it's it's. the. board pseudo producers who. who don't like that I'm out here talking. about. my experience. it it's very much individuals not the.

company but these individuals do have. the power to speak on the company's. behalf what are they threatened by. I think they're threatened by. like you said earlier. most people in my position aren't in my. position because. they. this is the outcome that the girls want. who enter the industry most of them who. entered the commercial porn industry. um or the mainstream porn industry.

they they want the fame they want the. infamy they want they want all of that. um. and I think for the first time these. individuals are experiencing someone who. is fully aware of what was happening and. is fully aware of what is and isn't. ethical and has the platform and the. resources to speak on all of those. things. what is your opinion of the industry no. I have a very.

unfavorable opinion on it but I do think. that there are ethical and unethical. ways that you can support sex workers. and consume porn as. as someone who is a Creator or as. someone who is simply a consumer there. are ethical ways to do it granted any. company has its downsides like even only. fans. has trouble. policing and and regulating the people. who are on their site and the.

every company has its downsides but I. would say that the major production porn. companies are all predatory and abusive. and unethical and. prey on vulnerable young women. and even me saying this I already know. that some of the responses back are. going to be from women in the industry. that say. no it's not no it's not it's great it's. fantastic everyone is so nice I love.

this company I love working with I love. all of this and. to be honest with you I think that that. rhetoric is grooming I think that if. you're going to enter the industry and. you're going to be an advocate for it it. has to it has to come with a caveat and. that caveat needs to be. you shouldn't enter the industry unless. you've already kind of been in the. industry it shouldn't be a first option. for you like that shouldn't be something. that you simply go into because you like. it. think about it more wait on it more.

the age to go into the industry should. not be 18. you're putting contracts in front of 18. year old girls that have the words in. perpetuity on them do you know how. dangerous and predatory that is. these are three four five page contracts. Jesus Christ. I mean any contract when you're 18 years. old although it's like list reading the. legal verb it's it's jargon it's. literally another language. I was thinking about Miranda rights we.

don't really have like Miranda right we. have our own version of it here but what. do you do think I'll save the queen I. thought I don't forget I've never been. arrested I'll let you know. but you get read your Miranda I watch. all of these like a US crime. interrogation videos it's like how I. fall asleep don't don't worry about it. wow but I see them anxiety. Miranda rights before they get. interrogated and then they get offered a. lawyer yeah. seems like maybe from what you're saying. that's not a bad idea if there was some.

kind of like implications clearly stated. to people that are considering entering. the porn industry at a young age and the. opportunity to have a lawyer or at least. legal representation to impartially. explain as a as a third party the. potential. um implications For Better or For Worse. you know I don't think that's ever going. to be possible unless the laws change. around. what around around the the rights that. they have it's just those two words in. perpetuity it's in perpetuity what.

vicious words yeah not not forever not. not on in your lifetime Not In Our. Lifetime on in in perpetuity of all. lifetimes in all existence who needs. that much control over a young woman's. body. they still own the website with your. name with your yeah. there's nothing you can do to have that. website taken down. I mean. there is but. it's. a very expensive lawsuit against a.

billion dollar Corporation it's a. conglomerate they also own. that it Bang Bros isn't the only company. under that umbrella it's. it's a very it's very wide reach. the peak of your anxiety 2019-2020 if I. was a fly on the wall inside your. your apartment. wherever you're living back then what. would I have seen what would I observed. didn't shower I didn't brush my teeth. and eat didn't leave my bed was crying.

all the time anytime I would open my. phone I felt I felt like. I felt like a prisoner in my own body. and in the world more so not just in my. own body because. I I didn't I I couldn't scream loud. enough there's nothing I could do. to make it go away or to make them stop. I honestly. the worst part about it was I knew that. if I if I went on and actually spoke. about how. how much it impacted me.

that's that's what they would want. that that's that's exactly what they. would want. they were very annoyed that I started. naming them by name and that's when. everything started these individuals. value their privacy more than anything. in the world and it's because. of. all the unethical and immoral things. that they've done throughout their. careers. in this industry. so they all go by aliases too being.

called out by their legal government. names was. not something they took kindly to and. that is why they chose to. release the video that the footage was. corrupted of 10 years ago. that's that was a pornographic video. yeah okay so they started releasing more. videos because she was speaking out. against them. and they started doing a variety of. other attacks making like mini Instagram. documentary yeah clips of you which I.

thought I find I mean you'd expect like. a jealous bitter X to be doing something. like that that's exactly what they are. you know not a corporation that's. exactly what they are a jealous bitter. EX. act I look I look at all the decisions. I've made in my life and I think about. you know being 18 and deciding to do. this or that or 25 and doing this and. [ __ ] up at that and you people look. back and they say there's always a. silver lining. is there a silver lining. yeah. I'm really funny trauma makes you funny.

builds character. no of course there's a silver lining I'm. sitting in front of you today happier. than I've ever been I've. I am not the sum of the things I've been. through or the adversities I've faced. I'm not. the Silver Lining is. [ __ ] happened it's over with. it's not over with actually it's. following me for the rest of my life but. I am no longer in the mental space that. I was back then so it's over with for me.

and you get to make your silver lining. yeah and that's that's what I feel like. you've done is you've made a silver. lining because there's clearly you could. have gone several ways yes that's true. what are the ways you could have gone. I was acting on Instinct there wasn't a. time when I sat down and thought what do. I want with my life I I needed a job so. I acted on Instinct I applied to things. that I felt like I could do I'm good at. paperwork I'm good at I'm good at um. just. the administrative things I like I like.

being left alone so I didn't want a job. where I was working with like I I was. always acting on Instinct there was. never really a plan what felt right it. felt right in the moment to get an. office job it felt right in the moment. to leave that one and go to another one. it felt right in the moment to leave. everything and move to Austin it felt. right in the moment in Austin to well. actually. I had a very that was the first time in. my life where I started forming a core. group of friends and people who were. still in my life to this day. um and they were the ones who convinced.

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depression. another word different to anxiety in. many respects people often characterize. it with like thoughts of the past and. they think of anxiety as worries of the. future. um depression is another word that I. read a few times throughout your story. um again is that something that's kind. of been with you throughout life or is. that was that. post moving to Miami it was really that. 2019-2020 oh really yeah yeah. um I went on Lexapro I went like I that.

was when. I mean maybe I was depressed but it was. never diagnosed. I had two therapy sessions a week and a. psychiatrist and I was on Lexapro I was. on Propranolol I was on. beta blockers everything for anxiety. depression. all of that all of that was in was in. 2019 2020 the when. when everything started to kind of get. rehashed and I felt like.

um. being I'm very very grateful to be out. of. the depths of my depression but. um something that does keep me up at. night anxiety wise is where things are. headed with. Ai and. um. deep fakes and things like that because. that feeling of. of being violated all over again and. having no control like it's like trying.

to run in a dream as hard as you as you. try it's it's impossible and it's a very. daunting feeling and you feel. claustrophobic and you feel like you're. trying to breathe underwater and all. these really really awful things that. that are out of your control that's what. that's what that feels like and I try. not to think about it for too long but. the AI still feels like that and the. Deep fake stuff yeah okay. it's [ __ ] terrifying yeah. were people worried about you 2019 did.

you have people around you that were. worried about you at that point I did I. did I'm very grateful I did because I'm. trying to think of this this step people. take when they go and have therapy or. they go to the doctor and say listen. something's wrong with me you're at home. this stuff's happening online this porn. company are targeting you what is this. what is the what was the Catalyst in. that moment to make you go do you know I. need to go get help oh I was still in. therapy yeah and my therapist said you. need a psychiatrist really yeah he said. I I'm like you need a psychiatrist I.

can't prescribe you antidepressants. you you need you need a psychiatrist. here's some recommendations. again so what's life like I joined a TV. show so uh things change for me you know. people start stopping you in the street. and coming up during the gym and stuff. and you know I love you know it comes. with the territory of what I did I was. well aware of what I was getting into. also I joined the TV show when I was. like 28 29 so you kind of like you're. probably a bit more prepared mentally. for things and you understand the world.

a bit better and you're not trying to. impress people as much as I was when I. was younger. but it was still an adjustment to say. the least. um what was life like for you that. post-miami period you're now moving on. with your life you're trying to you know. this porn company come for you what is a. life like day to day and when you go to. the coffee shop. I'm kind of glad you asked that because. it's a huge contrast to what it is now. even though it's kind of still the same. I would get recognized and I would get. come up to and I would get asked to like. take a photo with someone all the time.

but my reaction to it is completely. different than. it is now I. would want to crawl into a hole and hide. away and be ashamed I was I was so. embarrassed I felt like a. like a warm feeling in my stomach like I. had just been punched or like I just. found out I was being cheated on or. something like it's just a very painful. visceral reaction. to be recognized and to know what you're.

being recognized for. um and it wasn't until. I started to accomplish other things and. I started to be proud of things that. I've that I've done and things that I've. kind of. shifted and diverted into in my career. so those first few months to a year in. Austin I felt very I had a lot of social. anxiety and I didn't go out much. um because I didn't want to be. recognized. um I felt like. I I just didn't want to be recognized I.

didn't want to be looked at I didn't. want to be perceived I didn't I didn't. want to leave my house. none of that but is that a form of like. self-hatred because you're like no. because no because it was more so the. people who were coming up to me college. guys like like men you know it it it. just made me uncomfortable because I. knew why they knew me and it wasn't. until I started accomplishing things. that I was actually proud of that that. changed I didn't feel that same like. gut-wrenching visceral feeling of Shame.

when I would hear the name Mia or or get. called in the street or anything like. that like I the more I accomplished the. more proud I was of what I've built and. what I've changed and and all of these. things that I've done the more. comfortable I got with being recognized. because inherently people were. recognizing me for other things women. started to recognize me. everything kind of shifted the more that. I do and continue to do the more.

the more the more that changes like I. I rarely get come like I get come up to. More by by women now than by men. and I love that. what was that path out of the there's a. book I from a psychiatrist had on this. podcast called The Path out of the. jungle for you what was the let's pass. through the jungle sorry but what was. the path out of the Jungle few that 2019. depression period like how did you for. people that might be in that situation. right now where they're really. struggling what was was it just time was.

it Community Support was it the. medication how did you get out of that. phase everything all of that combined. all of that combined truly I don't think. I could have done it without shout out. to Lexapro without the Lexapro without. my support system without. without my job without people in my job. encouraging me to to. pursue what I want to do and and to and. to. not let fear of. of having something taken away from me.

or or having something you had that fear. of having it taken away from you yeah of. course of course they're constantly. threatening me even using the name Mia. Khalifa and threatening you using the. name Mia Khalifa they think they have. ownership of it. okay which they do not it's my dog's. name and they tried to convince me not. to use Khalifa because they said No. One's Gonna know how to spell it but. yeah I I I'm constantly in fear of. they're a billion dollar Corporation yes.

yeah the amount of lawsuits that they. field on a daily basis. they're being sued right now by um. by a company that does MLB trading cards. because they're trying to do trading. cards of. of actresses. you you married around that time right. 2019 yeah a lot of what I read said that. that marriage had fallen apart because. the attention you were getting was. difficult for your partner. I don't know about that he's also. famous no no well he's a very popular.

Chef okay um. but no that that was more of. irreconcilable differences now I'm just. kidding um it was it was a lot we we. were in therapy for a year okay an. entire year we tried I was we were. separated for. three months I lived in an Airbnb I. moved out of the house like we. we tried it was more so. it just very much came down to We Got. Married very too early we got married.

too soon before we actually knew each. other we got married in the honeymoon. phase and. um. we were just very different. Tick Tock you've become a tick tock. sensation. I don't like to spend too much time on. Tick Tock because you know I I'll end up. not doing anything with my life I spend. too long on that because it's really. addictive but I went through your tick. tocks you're a comedian oh my God trauma. no but you know but you are you're. incredibly successful until I think that. Tick Tock is my favorite app and I think. that I'm very lucky that Tech talk is.

just it's what it's where I spend the. most time I I kind of just get it I get. it it was very easy for me I love Tick. Tock so future Personality yeah. you've cultivated a group of people. there a huge group of people almost like. 30 million people something crazy. um who love that side of Sarah yeah the. women on on on my Tick Tock are amazing. I'm very very. grateful for the community of women that. I found on there. a second ago you said about 10 years.

time plans for 10 years time you said. now you have an answer. the answer is. two-car garage. decent backyard. um. three. very successful. still operating companies that I'm very. heavily involved in still I don't plan. on retiring anytime soon and hopefully a. kid on the way oh.

in order to have a kid now there's a. couple of routes to having a kid that's. not true. in order to have a kid you can adopt one. you can steal one or you can have your. own. um all you know all of these past I mean. I'm sure there might be a fourth path. that I'm not yeah I wouldn't mind. stealing a four-year-old someone who's. already like into cartoons and stuff so. maybe that's the route I go by I go for. are you are you in a relationship now no. you know you're single yes how are you. finding that I talk a lot about my guess.

about relationships and how dating in. the modern world is really really tough. it is tough it sucks especially for a. certain generation I think got caught. between like the digital world and like. the analog world yeah do you find it. tough obviously people know who you are. you're you're famous you're super famous. you've got like 60 million followers. plus. um do you find it tough to date very. very but I'm also not trying I've been a. Serial monogamous for a while I got out. of a. long-term long-ish term relationship a. few months ago. um.

but. yeah. it's difficult it's difficult but I also. haven't tried but I'm I I don't I don't. know what I'm expecting I haven't gone. into the dating World in. maybe six years I've been in long-term. relationships what do you what would. make a great partner for Sarah. what would they have to have what would. be the jigsaw shape emotional. intelligence and a good relationship. with their therapist and with therapy in. general. um someone who's constantly working on.

themselves and is self-aware and. understands the Ebbs and flows of. life and emotions and how it's not. always going to be even Keel how it'll. oscillate but also it doesn't. necessarily mean go from good to toxic. it means go from good to needing a. little more support then. then you normally have. men are not necessarily the best at. emotional intelligence but I think I'm. not ruling out women yeah good good. and business.

three businesses. the business the jewelry brand can you. tell me all about your jewelry brand and. um the inspiration for that and your. vision for that. um I'm really really excited. to launch it it's called shaitan it's. the inspiration is. every woman who I've ever admired every. Arab girl who chooses yellow gold over. white gold every. just.

women in general huge inspiration behind. it. um it's body jewelry for the most part. but it's also lifestyle. um. it will launch imminently and. yeah. why did you choose jewelry. because I love it I was I was custom. making the things that I wanted that I. couldn't find easily. um. hand lariats and foot lariats and belly. chains and bra chains and start like all. all of this stuff was extremely hard to.

find so I was custom making it and. paying a lot for it. so. very excited to put out something that. is. extremely delicate and Precious and. Beautiful but also affordable. you know when you think about like the. ingredient ingredients list of your own. happiness right now in your life what is. on that list of ingredients what are the. like factors that need to be present for. you to feel like stable and. um. full hmm.

I would say. 70 percent alone time interesting 20. percent. time surrounded by people who energize. and recharge me and ten percent. just. 10 [ __ ] it. ten percent just if something feels. right do it Follow Your Instinct but. like I'm kind of scared of my instinct a.

little too sometimes even though. yeah ten percent just listen to your gut. and going back to the start of the. conversation this is because you feel. closest to knowing who who you are yeah. yeah the most secure and. the decisions I make on a daily basis. and who are you. I'm Sarah. I'm Sarah [ __ ] Joe. he's Senator Joe Sarah is Unapologetic. and.

not Fearless pretty fearful but I think. that's a good thing cautious cautious. and. secure okay so Unapologetic and then the. second one was. not Fearless pretty fearful yeah but in. a good way cautious cautious cautious. okay. the Unapologetic part. I get that I sense that from you. where did that come from Rihanna. no really that came from oh absolutely.

yeah yeah she has a whole album called. Unapologetic and that. that is what I base my. my personality off of. why what do you mean why why did you. choose debate there's so many different. albums Rihanna's made or oh that's. that's that's the one that just exude. that's the one that kind of that was her. that was her shift also that was her. moment of. now I know who I am and I'm Unapologetic. about it it might not be the bubble gum. pop girl you thought I was or wanted me. to be this is who I am and this is the.

person who's not going anywhere. is that a stark contrast from the Sarah. I would have met had I met you like 18. like I wanna if I like put that 18 year. old Sarah there and I had them both side. by side. I'm guessing Sarah 18 wouldn't be on. Unapologetic no well can you describe. how her her vibe would have been sat. here today. shriveled and secure quiet probably or. too loud just because insecurity screams.

not not someone well actually no that is. someone who I would want to be around. because I feel empathy for her. and I forgive her and the journey to. Unapologetic was. from what I've gone in so far based on. the evidence you got from going out and. doing things and proving [ __ ] to. yourself yeah that's so important I was. going to say this at the start of the. conversation this idea of confidence. people don't know how you said it like. how the [ __ ] did you get confidence like. where does it come from how do I buy one. but from your own experiences it's the. evidence you gain from doing [ __ ] that. changes your beliefs exactly it's all.

evidence yeah you have evidence for like. low confidence is negative evidence yeah. and the confidence you've built over the. last couple of years is from. doing really cool [ __ ] yeah exactly. we have a closing tradition on this. podcast where the last guest leaves a. question for the next guest okay and. they leave it written in this diary oh. Aristotle said give me the child at. seven and I'll show you. the man. or one.

is it true that the first seven years of. your life. make you who you are. I think they have a huge impact just. psychology speaking it's like but. psychologically I think those are very. formative years. yeah seven years old you could have um. whispered some words into Sarah's ear. what would those words have been. you're amazing you're enough you're. perfect. thank you so much ma'am thank you Sarah. yeah that's okay learning about your.

story and really like the reaction to. the mistakes you made when you were. younger is um incredibly inspiring for. me because we all make we will make. decisions especially in our young years. that you know through naive it's your. other or coercion or whatever it might. be we're not necessarily you know we. wouldn't make those decisions again and. the way you've responded to that and. built the life that you're building now. off the back of that and the audience. you've built around tick tock and social. media. um around your personality and your. humor is incredibly.

hope inspiring it gives me a lot of hope. that regardless of you know the the. steps I make in my life there will be. um there's a way through there's a way. through the jungle and that's what your. story represents to me it's an. incredibly inspiring one and you're. um yeah you're an inspiration for that. very reason so thank you thank you I. appreciate that. [Music]. as you might know this podcast is now. sponsored by the incredible Airbnb and. Airbnb have saved me many many times.

whenever I'm working away or on business. trips or on holidays but have you ever. thought about whether your home could be. an Airbnb when you're away on business. or on holiday or even just a part of. your home let me explain maybe your. roommate is moving out and you're. thinking about what to do with the extra. space well maybe you have a spare. bedroom that you've never used you could. Airbnb it and make some extra cash for. bills or to pay for anything in your. life holidays or just for some extra. money I've airbnb'd my place previously. and honestly the process couldn't have. been easier it's something I'd highly.

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