Mel Robbins: Saying These 2 Words Could Fix Your Anxiety! (Brand New Trick)

what really breaks my heart is how stuck. people are there are things you can do. to change your life for the better and. so let me give you the secret Mel. Robbins one of the most trusted experts. on confidence and motivation her unique. brand of raw and relatable advice has. made her one of the most sought after. speakers in the world don't rely on. motivation motivation garbage because. it's not there when you need it and the. fact is if it were easy to develop great. habits or change your mindset everybody.

would have their dreams come true it is. very difficult to change because we are. hardwired to spot patterns that seem. similar and to repeat them there's also. this C voice that is talking to you all. the time going boy you really suck and. you blew that and my God you're never. going to amount to anything constantly. telling you what you think about. yourself and of course what you think. about yourself then drives the things. that you do but luckily there's two ways. around it one is to that absolutely. works.

let them let them let them let them the. let them theory is based on a simple. truth the fastest way to take control of. your life is to stop controlling. everyone around you that opinion is. usually driven by your insecurity. controlling nature your anxiety and it. is ruining your relationships but when. you say let them something really. interesting happens you will. notice it it's absolutely. life-changing you will.

at this time of year everybody is. thinking about changes that they want to. make in their life but it's incredibly. hard to become a new person when your. circumstances stay the same in this. episode me and Mel go on a journey to. figure out how you listening to this at. home can change your life we go through. the science we go through the proven. strategies and we go through some of the. mindset alterations we all need to make. going into next year if we want to stand.

the chance of closing the gap on our. potential and when I say potential I'm. not talking about success alone I'm. talking about happiness and I'm talking. about health things that I think. everybody that listens to this podcast. cares so deeply about and there's one. thing that Mel says this idea of the let. them Theory which sounds so. simple but I honestly think could change. your life whether it's in your. relationships at work with your partner. or when someone cuts you off in traffic.

this let them theory for me since Mel. told me about it has significantly. improved my life I can't wait for you to. listen to this episode Mel is just the. best and before this episode starts I. want to make a deal with you about 58%. of you that watch this podcast. frequently haven't yet hit the Subscribe. button if you enjoy what we do here. here's the deal that I want to make with. you if you hit that subscribe button I. promise you that we will keep making the. show better in every single way and we.

have huge plans to turn this into more. of a documentary style conversation. where we work incredibly hard to bring. in footage of the things we're talking. about to give you greater context and. greater meaning so if you hit the. Subscribe button I promise you that we. will deliver an even greater version of. this show I hope you choose to come. along on this journey enjoy this episode. [Music].

Mel I'm thinking about the 45-year-old. Taxi Driver that's her dad I'm thinking. about Judith who has an idea for a. handbag business she wants to start but. she's 56 years old and maybe Society has. convinced her that she can't change now. she can't pivot away from where she is. I'm also thinking about the 27 year-old. medical graduate who became a dentist. because their immigrant mother told them. that was success and happiness and they. never listen to the voice inside of them.

those people that are in those. situations where they feel like they've. gone so far down a. path how does one turn back move forward. I mean I don't even know what Direction. You Don't Turn back okay well because. here's the thing first of all I'm 55 and. I did not even get started in the. podcast business until I was 54 years. old and so I personally feel that my. life and the business that I've built.

and the example that I set every single. day is evidence that you can decide at. any age that you are going to Pivot and. turn in a New Direction and One metaphor. that has helped me Stephen A Lot in my. life is I think. about life as one long road trip and. that that I know it sounds super cheesy. but just bear with me for a minute if. you think about every single year of. your life as a mile marker.

and the fact that we all start at zero. we all end at some. point when you think about your life as. a road trip and you're the driver that. means it's about navigating where you go. next and at any single moment you can. pull over stop the damn car like if you. feel lost if you feel turned around if. you have hit a dead end do not find your. way by continuing to drive in circles. stop for a second a that's where you are.

tune back into the navigation system. that is inside you and you can turn your. life in a New Direction you do it over. and over and over again in business you. have this Natural Curiosity this natural. drive if your instincts tell you to go. you point towards it I have. that but for everybody that's listening. or watching us who feels like you don't.

ever have that moment where your. intuition tells you it's that way let me. give you the secret to how to make your. next big move and the secret is. this pay attention to what sucks in your. life because there are positive. navigational signals and there are. negative ones and when it comes to my. life Stephen you seem to have been able. to tap into the positive I have a much.

greater like I don't know I'm I'm more. deeply connected to the negative [ __ ]. the jealousy. frustration um feeling anger anytime. those emotions come up in my body it's. just a directional signal from deep. inside of you telling you you're about. you're you're supposed to Pivot like do. not head in the same direction do not do. not keep going the same speed make a. change.

so I hear you say that we can pull over. on the side of the road at any moment in. our life but I guess some people who are. listening to that will think well I. can't stop because I've got a mortgage. to pay I've got bills to pay I've got. responsibilities I I have no time to. even think about that and also there's. this other group of people who maybe. feel the frustration and the jealousy. and the the rage that kind of drives you. and me to some. degree but for some reason even though. they know every fiber in their body. knows that this is not the situation for. them this is the wrong relationship. wrong job wrong C wrong friendship group.

they still for some reason just can't. take that step into. uncertainty uhhuh which is I think most. people probably yes I I I almost believe. that people don't. have a signal problem I they we all feel. the same signal but they have a problem. with acting on the signal because. correct so I personally believe that we. are all born the second you come out and. into this world you are hard hardwired.

with this natural intelligence that is. your own personal inner compass and that. it is tuned into what is unique to you. it is constantly programmed by the. experiences of your life but it is. always signaling toward what is uniquely. aligned for you if you just accept the. premise that we are energetic human. beings that we give off energy we. receive energy we've all had the. experience where you walk into a like a.

retail store and all of a sudden. something feels off that is the compass. I'm talking about signaling to you based. on your experience based on your DNA. based on the generational wisdom that is. passed down through your ancestors that. there is something there for you to pay. attention to the problem is not what. your inner Compass is telling you and. the problem is that you won't listen to. it and I can prove it because if you.

have somebody that comes up to you and. says oh man I've been in this. relationship and that relationship and. the other thing and I'm just unlucky and. love and I can't trust myself and I. don't da da da da da da da da I always. say to somebody. stop it's not that you can't trust. yourself because your instincts have. always been right I want you to go back. through the five or six horrible. relationships that you just had and I. want you to look backwards and the.

fastest way to do this is look back. through your photos and that'll take you. back on the timeline and that'll remind. you of all this stuff and I want you to. look at your face and I want you to just. be honest with yourself when did you. know this wasn't working and you will. always have somebody admit that they. knew seven years before the divorce they. knew a year before the breakup they knew. before they even hooked up with the. person the first time that this was. probably not the right thing because it. felt a little off but it was confusing. because you know you've got all the. like Rush of the adrenaline and the.

attraction and all the hormones and all. that stuff but deep down inside if you. got really quiet you knew that this was. not the right decision for you and so. the issue isn't the accuracy of your. inner wisdom the issue is your courage. and following it because following your. inner wisdom and making decisions that. are aligned with what you are meant to. do in your life the kind of people. you're supposed to be with right now. the kind of support that you need the.

things that are interesting to you it. always requires you to do something. different than what you're doing now the. problem is if it requires you to do. something new what's also going to. happen is you're going to have a fear. response and we mistake those moments of. change or those moments where you're. going to try something new the moments. of vulnerability the moments where. you're going to risk a little the. moments that require courage.

we mistake the very natural response to. change which is a little moment of. feeling alarmed with your intuition. being wrong and so one way that you can. tell the difference is the feeling of. the decision if the decision is the. right decision in terms of a decision. that is aligned with who you are and. your soul and your DNA and just this. deep wisdom inside you even if it's. scary you will feel a sense of.

expansion you will feel like something. is growing that there is. possibility even though you're nervous. about it even though you're not quite. sure where you're going to go if the. decision is wrong when you get quiet and. you drop in you will feel a sense of. shrinking you'll feel constrained you'll. feel a little depleted in your energy. and we often mistake that kind of.

nervousness that you feel before you. make a decision to quit your job or a. decision you know what I'm gonna get Ser. about serious about my finances I'm. gonna stop going out to the bar on the. weekends and and I'm gonna commit to. listening to this podcast two hours. every weekend to start learning and. start mastering skills and to literally. put these things that I want first now. on Friday night when your buddies. calling like Hey we're going down to the. pub you want to. come when you are about to say.

no you're going to feel that rise up. because you've never done this before. you always go and you know you're going. to get blowback but if you get really. quiet and you drop in and you ask. yourself. okay if I were to go to the bar tonight. does that feel like something. expansive or does that feel like. something that's shrinking me a little. bit and you'll know the right answer for. you and that's a tool that I have used. over and over and over again in my life.

to know what to do it doesn't answer. how it doesn't answer when it answers. what there's a quote I heard many years. ago I think almost a decade ago which. stayed with me because I tried to. understand why sometimes it seems like. people need a little bit more pain. before they make a change and the quote. is change happens when the pain of. staying the same becomes greater than. the pain of making a change and I.

sometimes this sounds like a crazy thing. to say but I sometimes see people in. certain situations where they're. debating making a change or getting that. gym membership or breaking out of a. cycle that they've has kept them trapped. in a situation which has made made them. unhappy and it appears that they just. need a little bit more pain what you're. talking about is a fundamental fact and. that is you cannot change another person. people only change when they're ready to. change and if what it requires is more. pain or hitting a rock bottom or the.

stakes becoming so. high that somebody sees the cost of. continuing to self-sabotage or to go on. the path that they're going. down that for some people is the only. moment in time where they. see that they want things to be. different and you can't want somebody's.

sobriety or their healing or their. Financial Freedom more than they do. because at the very bottom we learn I. guess we learned two things as you said. there the cost of continuing but also. the reward of change has is never. greater when you're at the very bottom. of the mountain it's like the cost of. continuing down here plus also the. reward of me climbing that mountain are. at maximum yeah and look you know we're. having an intellectual conversation and. you know the fact is it's really hard to. change yeah if it were easy to develop.

great habits or change your mindset and. it could happen like that everybody. would have six-pack abs everybody would. have four companies like you do. everybody would have a hit podcast. everybody would have their dreams come. true and it is very difficult to change. because we are hardwired to spot. patterns that seem similar and to repeat. them and so I do think it's important to. say that if you're struggling if you're. frustrated with yourself if you're at.

that point where you're so sick of. yourself and your excuses I've been. there Steven's been there this is a. normal part of the human experience and. at some point either the pain is going. to get big enough or you're going to. bump into somebody's story somewhere on. this planet who has been in the position. that you're in right now facing the. stuff that you're facing right now and. there is something about their story at.

this exact moment in time that will. ignite something in you that is missing. and what is missing in you right now is. Hope because when you're stuck and when. you are on a Down Road spiral whether. it's just in your own head or it's in. self-destructive Behavior the thing. that's missing in your life is hope you. don't believe right now that anything is. going to make a difference and so until. you get to the point where you just hate. what you're doing so much that it's. worth.

trying or you have somebody crack open a. door and just a little light comes in. and you have this moment where you go. well what. if what if this is the time sobriety. sticks what if I go to therapy and I. actually do change the way that I think. what if I could recover from this. narcissistic abuse that I've you know. been kind struggling with after that.

relationship or that marriage what if I. could get out of debt if that person did. maybe I could do it and without either. hope or that kind of rock bottom moment. I don't think you're going to change can. you tell the difference between someone. who is likely to change and someone who. isn't because there must be so many. people that message you and they present. a facade as if they have had that. realization and they're about to change. Mel I'm about to start that business. thank you so much for everything you've. done and you look in their eyes and you.

go and you go I don't believe a word he. was saying and then I'll tell you it's. it's that's a that's an energy thing I. mean you're somebody who invests in a. lot of people and I would imagine that. in addition to looking at the business. model you're actually looking at the. person and talk is. cheap like the kind of people that are. actually going to change will thank you. for the hope and thank you for a. specific piece of advice and then they. are mov moving so fast out that door.

because they realize that change doesn't. happen overnight it doesn't happen with. one Insight it is tedious it is painful. it is lonely because it is a game of. just moving the ball down the field Inch. by Inch by Inch it's not glamorous it's. lonely as you start changing everything. around you starts changing people around. you like it just it's not even fun in.

the beginning and so you'd either have. to have an incredible amount of Hope or. a ridiculous amount of inspiration and. delusion or you have to be in so much. pain that the alternative to continuing. this pain that you're in is to try. something different because it's the. only thing that might be slightly less. painful than what you're doing you get. to that point where you know I call it. the [ __ ] it like this is bad so [ __ ] it. let's try something else like I you know.

and so I I I really believe that and I I. think people you can't tell who's going. to change because it's a it's a long. game is there anything that breaks your. heart about what you do for all the. upsides of it for oh my God yes. yeah what really breaks my heart is how. stuck people. are and that there are things you can do. do to change your life for the better.

and if you don't have. hope and you don't have this. breakthrough where you have for just a. millisecond this Insight where you go. well what if things did work. out if you don't have that moment most. people stay so stuck in. resignation and actually that's one of. the things that really um I'm so curious. about with you because I like you talk.

to so many people and have so many. people writing in and um the number of. people that are living their life at 40. or 50 or 60 and they are defined by the. trauma that happened in their childhood. and that's not to say that the trauma. wasn't profound or wasn't impactful and. having experienced childhood trauma of. my own that I didn't discover until. later in life I I I I find it so.

sad that so many people just don't. know that they're stuck in patterns of. abuse or patterns of thinking that they. can change and if you're not aware that. you're stuck in something there's no way. you can change it and so it makes me. extremely sad that there are um so many. people that are not not aware of how.

much better and how much more present. and how much more joy they could. experience in their life is much of that. identity like the identity the stories. the stories we tell ourselves about. oursel sort of circulates around us it. becomes this instruction manual for. everything we do believe and think of. ourselves and that is ultimately like. the story of Steven Bartlett that I have. authored based on everything I. interpreted that happened in my life. things happen I write a new line into. myself story about who Steve B is. because of that and then I use as my. instruction manual for forward sort of.

facing Behavior I think one of the most. interesting experts to talk to about. that topic is I think his first name is. Paul Dr Paul Ki from Stanford I know his. his last name is Dr Ki um but I just. interviewed him for our podcast and his. work is all on the inner voice and the. subconscious and that there is. this narrative that you have that you. may not even be aware is talking to you. all the time and when you start to turn.

toward what that self-critic is saying. you know you're never good enough why'd. you screw that up and you start to. examine what it's telling you it would. be as if I was walking behind you. Stephen all day long going boy you. really suck and you blew that and my God. you're never going to amount to anything. and you're going to be alone and you're. going to do this and it's not and and we. do it to ourselves and so yes your selft. talk which is probably buried somewhere.

very deep this is not my area of. expertise in terms of Psychiatry or. Neuroscience but we just interviewed. them and it was fascinating is informing. what you think about yourself and of. course what you think about yourself. then drives the things that you do is it. thought driven or behavior driven is it. nervous system driven first is it. subconscious driven first here's what I. know I know that. until you make a decision. that you no longer want to feel how you.

feel or you no longer want to think the. way that you think or you no longer want. to have the kind of results or no. results that you have until you make. that decision that you know what I know. I don't feel great I know I doubt myself. I know I've had a lot of bad things. happen I know there's a lot that I. regret but damn it with the time that I. have left in my. life I really want to start to enjoy. myself I want to take better care care. of myself I want to feel happy you don't.

even have to believe you deserve it yet. you can just want it you've got to start. there you've got to start with wanting. something better for yourself and then I. personally think the most important. thing is to start. acting like the person who has the. things that you want right now even. though you don't feel like it and the. reason why I personally prefer to. hack this change of going okay I want to.

um like here's here's something that I. am working on right now so I'm 55 years. old I'm in the middle of menopause it's. a complete Nightmare and uh I feel as. out of control with my body as I did. when I was pregnant with one of our. three kids like everything's changing. it's really confusing to figure out. what's going on the um I could go on and. on and on about this as as somebody in. the middle of it trying to figure out.

what to do around my changing hormones. and how to get better control of my. health and so what do I do I feel a. little discouraged right now I don't. really know what to do I just know I. don't like how my body is feeling and. how it's changing and so I make a. decision and a commitment to myself that. I want to feel better I want to. understand this and so that decision is. super important because without deciding. that I want to do something I'm not. doing anything and then I start to study.

all of the experts and what people have. to say about this topic of hormone. balance and gut health and Women's. Health and how to uh regulate your. hormones naturally and what to like. there's just so much information out. there and then I make a decision okay. well what are the two or three things. that I'm going to do and then I start. doing it and I wake up every day and I. do those things even if I don't feel. like it even if my self self talk is. pretty poor and here's what happens over.

time for me personally is if I see. myself taking actions consistent with. somebody who exercises or somebody who. is taking care of her Hormone Health or. somebody who uh is not drinking or. somebody who is writing a book if I see. myself taking those actions it changes. the way that I look at myself the action. first approach is what I personally. believe in because I think it works. faster every everybody that hears you. saying that and everybody who sees.

people be disciplined in that way the. illusion is that they're just profoundly. motivated oh my God no no I I think. motivation is garbage I mean I um and I. always thought that was funny given that. I was a motivational speaker for a long. time and here I think it's garbage and. the reason why I think motivation is. garbage is because it's not there when. you need. it and I don't rely on. motivation I do not expect to feel.

motivated I do not expect to feel like. doing things and I make myself do them. that does not mean by the way that I. have great willpower that does not mean. that I consider myself to be a. disciplined person that means that I. understand the. biology of how most human beings work. and the biology of how most human beings. work is that you feel a sensation in.

your body so let's just take an example. like getting out of bed okay the you set. the alarm the night before I know you. don't but most normal human beings set. the alarm the night before and when the. alarm goes. off you're going to get out of bed right. I mean that's how it's supposed to work. because when you set the alarm the night. before you're setting it for a time. where you're basically supposed to get. up so you are making a promise to your. future self in the morning that you're. going to get out of bed well what.

happens all kinds of things happen you. go to bed the alarm rings and the first. thing that you feel is a sensation and. for me the Sensation that I always feel. in my body is something that I would. call I don't know if it's the cortisol I. I don't know if it's partying I don't. know if it's menopause I don't know if. it's the fact that I have a fabulous bed. and my husband's next to me and I don't. want to get out of it I don't know if. it's the fact that it I live in southern. Vermont and it's free like I don't know. but the first sensation.

is then perception so sensation. perception then feeling then thought. then action that is the biological chain. of events that happens in a. nanc and I know that this is what's. happening so I have the. feeling I then have the perception. happen which is I look around it's dark. Chris is next to me I then have an. emotion about it overwhelm frustration.

like you know usually something negative. then I have a thought which is I don't. want to get out of. bed and that for years would trigger the. action I would take and what most of us. I certainly didn't understand that. sensation perception feeling or emotion. thinking and then action is the chain of. events that is how you're. hardwired this is how it works body keep. like this is how it works it wasn't.

until I understood that holy cow if I. don't reverse the. chain my sensation my perception my. emotions about things and my thinking. all four or five of those things. actually precede what action I take and. I'm not in control of what I'm doing my. emotions and my Sensations and my trauma. and like all of the stuff that has been. running on like autopilot forever that. is controlling who Mel Robbins is and at.

some point if that's working for you. fantastic if there's an area of your. life that you're not happy in then you. got to reverse the order or I guess or. and you can go to therapy for months and. months and months and do the work and. slowly but surely you will change the. way that you think which also helps but. I find that understanding that that is. the chain of events and for those of us. that have any kind of of childhood. trauma where sensation is the first.

thing that you feel that then triggers. that whole pathway or you have any kind. of anxiety again sensation of the alarm. that then triggers a whole pathway of. action and. reaction this is one of the reasons why. you feel out of control it's because the. sensation and the wiring in your body is. actually triggering this chain reaction. and you don't even realize it it's why. avoiding things or freezing has become. your default response to everything.

because every sensation triggers the. exact same thing which leads to an. action of avoidance and the way around. that is to flip that and start with. making taking better actions regardless. there's two ways around it one is to. work with a licensed therapist who can. help you do the deeper work. of understanding yourself and. understanding your default thinking. patterns and doing the work to challenge. those assumptions and change the way.

that you. think that absolutely works if you will. commit to the process of doing. it the second way and you can do these. together certainly how I did it is to. look at your behaviors and understand. that there is this chain of this there. is this order that happens in your body. and reverse it take a behavior first. approach what if if you want to get in. better shape what is somebody do who is.

in the kind of shape that you want to be. in ask yourself what the behavior is. because I'll tell you the reason why. you're not taking those behaviors is. because this chain of events in your. body from Sensation to perception to. feeling and emotion to thinking is. constantly telling you I don't feel like. it I don't want to it's not going to. work anyway I'm gonna eat that thing. yeah I'm gonna eat that thing I'll do it. tomorrow and you can reverse it it's. funny because everyone. knows how I well I believe I believe 99%.

of people know how they should behave to. become the person they want to become. they know they probably shouldn't have. that I don't know bowl of ice cream at 2. a.m. in the morning right they know that. they probably should get up in the. morning and run for 5 kilometers they. know they probably should check in with. their friends and family they probably. etc etc etc um but here's the thing. you're not making your behavior. decisions with your brain you're making. them with the sensation in your body if. you don't feel like doing it you don't. do it see before it even gets up here.

you feel it in here and this was the. thing that was revelatory for me it's. like oh my God like my emotions drive my. entire life and that's why I feel out of. control and that's why I'm frustrated. with myself and that's why I can talk. till I'm bleue in the face about what I. need to do and what I should do and what. this and what that but when push comes. to shove if I don't feel like doing it. or I'm scared or I'm this or I'm that I. don't do it that means my emotions and. the sensations in my body and and the. patterns that have been hardwired for a.

long time and the coping mechanisms that. just run on autopilot that's what's. driving you it's not up here so we've. broken our cycle who has well I don't. know I I I dude I wake up every I still. I know all this and this is the other. like I think is a really important thing. for you to hear not you Stephen but. everybody watching and listening to us. and that is that I I personally feel. like it's important understand that you. may never like the things you need to do.

and you can still do. them like I I I will never like getting. out of. bed and I still get out of bed when the. alarm rings I don't like emptying the. dishwasher and I still do it I don't. like exercising I still do it I don't. like eating healthy a lot of the times I. still do it I don't. like taking a breath and centering. myself. when I really when I just scream at my.

husband and I still do it because I let. my. emotions and my anxiety and my trauma. responses and my fears run my life for. far too long and I would rather be in. the. daily I don't know if you call it a. battle or you just call it I'm just in a. daily dance with myself to to constantly. come back. to alignment and peace and showing up as.

the kind of person that I want to be. rather than how I may feel in the. moment one of the things I did want to. speak to you about is about how we know. what we want and how we set set goals. again we're we're in that part of the. year now where everybody's thinking you. know we've talked a little bit about how. one changes themselves but then even. knowing what direction to aim at is a. whole challenge in and of itself how do. one know at 30 years old in my.

life what. real goals I should be aiming at because. part of the concern I've had is I wonder. if I'm driven or being dragged and what. do you think don't know I don't really. know the difference [ __ ] you know no. I don't you are the most driven person I. know why why I don't know I'm gonna ask. you just give me this part for my. interview well this is something why why. are you the most driven person I know. why are you me yeah um well I think I.

was out running something for a very. long time sounds like being dragged is. it I I genuinely have sat here with. hundreds of people and every single time. they explain their motivation to me I go. sounds like you're being dragged by. shame your father's opinion of you. insecurity whatever like the AR that's a. negative way to say it I mean I feel. like that's why people don't like it. they sound powerless they sound like. they're attached to the back of the Lor. and it's flying down the motorway well. if you recognize that's what it is you.

suddenly become powerful yeah and you. can drive yes yeah so for me if I put it. through the lens of like the bad things. that happened it would probably be. um uh just like outrunning like a. psychiatrist once said to me it's very. interesting to me that when this you. know incident happened in the fourth. grade and this kid climbed on top of you. while you were sleeping you are in a. state when you're sleeping where you are.

completely supposedly safe and so I'm. not sure Mel your nervous system ever. reset back to a place of feeling safe. and then the hypervigilance of having. you know care caregiver who was always. kind of very erratic with their. personality also made me feel always on. the Move always on the Move always on. the move you know if you're on the move. nobody can catch you and so slow down if. you put it in that context becomes.

unsafe. right however if you look at a lot of. our experiences growing up most of us. get a lot of positive attention when we. achieve and so we become whether you. want to say driven or dragged it's. probably just a matter of whether or not. you're in control of it a lot of us are. driven by the desire to want to feel. seen the desire to feel loved the desire. to get get the accolades which is why so. many of us feel driven to achieve.

because it's tied into a sense of. selfworth it's tied into a sense of uh. being loved being. seen for me um I think I was probably to. use your words dragged since I wasn't in. control of it um but more and more I. feel profoundly driven I often think. people need to be dragged to a place. where they realized that it's failed. them that something has failed them for.

them to then take stock and decide to. become a little bit more intentional and. to take hold of the steering wheel cuz. in my situation I was 100% dragged to. thinking that I needed a million pounds. a six-pack a girlfriend and a range over. Sport and then upon getting those things. it was like almost a bit of an. existential crisis like what the [ __ ] am. I doing here right what failed me and. why did I come to this part and then in. that moment I could really take stock of. what my own intrinsic drivers were and. then do things a little bit more. intentionally um and aligned with. disassociated from the thought that any.

of these things would validate me at. some deeper level I think a lot of. this that we're talking about isn't. conscious decisions that anybody's. making that there is so much. conditioning and programming that. happens that we are unaware of as we're. growing up and as we're moving through. young adulthood that you don't even. realize how much you avoid stuff or how. much you're coping by being busy or. you're coping by drinking too much or. you're chasing stuff because you feel a.

deep sense of self-loathing and that. most of the decisions at least this is. for me were all reactions just again. like just trying to do the best that I. can but not really in control of. anything and. until I really believe this until you. can drop into your. body. and just calm down your nervous system. and not be revving that internal engine.

so much but to be able to just I I this. is not a technical term I feel like I've. smoothed out my nervous. system by doing traditional talk therapy. guided MDMA therapy with my husband um. EMDR uh all of the behavioral activation. therapy which is kind of leading with a. behavior first approach and start acting. like the person you want to be let them.

let them okay well I was so fascinated. by this Theory this let them Theory. which is kind of a behavioral technique. I guess would you describe it as a. behavioral Technique No what is it so. the let them. theory is based on a simple. truth the fastest. way to take control of your life is to. stop stop controlling everyone around.

you you have no idea how much time and. energy and. attention you are. wasting trying to control other people. you have no idea how much energy you are. burning through thinking about worrying. about obsessing about what other people. are doing what they're not doing what. they're feel feeling all of which you. have zero control.

over and so the let them theory is this. simple theory that I credit my daughter. with teaching. me uh that has created so much peace in. my life because like every other human. being on the planet I had no idea how. many. opinions how much frustration and. expectation. I had about what other people were doing. or what they should be doing like it's.

just. unreal how obsessed we all are with. everybody else and what they should be. doing and what they're not doing and. when you start to use the let them. Theory you will. notice it's just. unbelievable how much you need to use it. there are exceptions I mean I can. explain a lot about this I'll I'll give. you the quick story about how I learned. it because I think it's very helpful so. it was our son's um Junior Prom so he's.

a 11th grader in the states. and like most moms you know completely. obsessed about everything it's also my. son and this is his first prom and I had. had daughters so it was a totally. different circus with our daughters and. I thought that his would be drama free. because he's a guy but it actually. became more dramatic because he doesn't. say anything and so everything think. Steven was a last minute scramble right. like from getting the tux to he needed.

to have these certain Stan Smith Adidas. sneakers and we had to overnight those. to the fact that he was just going to go. with his friends and then all of a. sudden he asked a date and then she. wants a butiner she doesn't want a bout. iner and then we're going to the pre and. every step of the way I had internal. opinion why does. he so we get to the pre-prom photo party. that's a lot of peas and our daughter. happened to be uh home from college and. so she was there for the.

weekend and all of a sudden it starts to. rain out of nowhere and by rain I mean a. hail storm it is raining sideways and I. realize none of these kids have. umbrellas none of these kids are. prepared for this and so I turned to our. son and I'm like Oak where are you guys. going for dinner and he's like well I. don't know and I turned towards my. husband I'm like they don't have plans. for dinner what do you mean they didn't. make a reservation for the prom and so I. start to get all worked up and now all. the other parents are like wait you.

didn't make do you want me to call the. in would you guys want us to order. pizzas and the ramp up is happening and. I start to jump in and my daughter grabs. my arm and she says let them just let. them do what they want and Oak yells. over and says hey Mom I think we're. going to go to this uh Taco thing now. the taco place that they were going to. Stephen is like the size of this table. there are 20 kids it is hailing outside. they are dressed to the nines and I.

could feel that volcano of control. coming up like you can't go to the taco. place you're in a tux and you got the. new sneakers and she her dress is going. to get ruined and you don't even have an. umbrella what are you thinking and. Kendall has my arm she's like let them. if they want to go to a taco stand in. the pouring rain and ruin their dress. let them it's their problem not. yours and as she said it I started just. repeating those words even let them let. them go to the Taco Stand let them let.

him ruin his shoes who. cares let let him do what he wants to do. why am I worried about what he's doing. why am I not worried about where I'm. going to have dinner and so it was just. this moment and it immediately kind of. unhooked me and then from that point. forward I just noticed a million. situations sitting at the restaurant. that night and the waiter is busy with. other stuff and they're not coming to. the table how does everybody feel when. that. happens let them let them be.

busy let them take care of the other. table standing in line and people I. don't know what it is about the world. today but people cannot stand in lines. fidgeting and this and that and the. other thing and the person is letting in. people from that line and they're not. letting in people from this line let. them let. them and some of the like really. important topics too like if your kid. wants to drop out of school you can say.

what you need to say ultimately it's. their life let them what's going on. there at the heart of that is that just. a lowering of one's expectations so that. going back to the point we said about. expectations and happiness. we alleviate the chance of. disappointment and because we're just. let we're saying fine Let It Go like. what is that the very Crux of that on a. psychological level that's allowing us. to feel liberated from that stress and. need for control. what do you think it. is I think when we take on other.

people's. problems um we create. expectation for them like in the case of. your son you had an expectation of what. his night would look like and where his. trainers and Tuck were going to go and. that unmet expectation is causing you. unnecessary suffering control stress. angst Vig V vigilance and just by saying. do you know what like I wish well you're. just cutting the cord of a whole another.

stream of expectation that you. absolutely do not need you didn't need. to volunteer to make your yours and look. how much stress it created yeah and look. how much agit it created yeah so there's. so many things going on Stephen and. first of all I should also say there are. exceptions first of all you're not just. going to let your kids do whatever. they're going to do if you're a parent. because you're supposed to put the guard. rails up right but there is so much. controlling that we do in our lives of.

other people and it is ruining your. relationships and a great example of a. way to use this is let's say that you. see that your friends are going out for. brunch this weekend they didn't invite. you happens all the time with my team. let them yeah let them yeah because. here's the thing that's really important. is it's really not about other people. see energetically you're hooking. yourself into other people because you. have an opinion about what they should. or shouldn't be doing and that opinion. is usually driven by your in security or. it's driven by your controlling nature. or it's driven by your anxiety or it's.

driven by whatever it is that you may. have but once you get your energetic. hook into somebody else you've now just. lost control because you are now trying. to gain control of anything in your life. what your friends are doing for brunch. this weekend by focusing on them when. you say let them this is what's very. interesting it's very different than. saying I'm just going to let go I don't. give a hoot I don't care I baloney if. you're feeling a wave of energy about it. or emotion about it you do care because.

the emotion is evidence that it is. impacting you and so most people. understand that you should just let it. go or you shouldn't care but they don't. know how when you say let them a couple. really interesting things happen number. one you acknowledge what's happening. which both acknowledges that your. friends are out to lunch without you and. it also acknowledges that it bothers you. and when you say let them you're. acknowledging the situation and you're. almost saying I'm above it and I'm. permitting this because I see it.

happening and then something really. interesting happens because you're no. longer all worked up about what they're. doing you are forced to look back at. yourself let them if if my friends are. going out to brunch and they didn't. invite me and it bothers me that much. and I'm just going to let them do it. instead of sitting here stewing about. it what do I need to take responsibility. for you're toxic yes probably or I.

didn't I don't ever invite anybody. out or if I want more experiences with. my friends I should be the one. organizing everybody to go out to brunch. or. maybe my friends can just go out and I. don't have to always be included and it. doesn't have to mean anything and maybe. I've got work to do with therapy and so. what happens is as you start to use let. them to lower your expectations to stop. focusing on other people and what.

they're doing it forces you to take. responsibility for what you want in your. life linked to that was this thing that. I found which people just loved when you. said it which was you should stay in. your peace and stay in your power yes. and it sounds somewhat correlated to. that very much so so when you start. using it you will notice how often you. get agitated or frustrated by what other. people are. doing and it's strangers in a coffee.

shop it's your. relatives it's like I we were just in a. situation this uh here here in the. states for Thanksgiving where we were. down visiting my parents and they're in. a place that's small so we had a place. that we had to rent so that we could all. kind of be together but it wasn't that. close and every time it was a moment. where it was are we going to their house. we going to our house and. somebody had an expectation about where.

we should be normally the old Mel would. get hooked right into that person i'. just be like let. him that per the people in your life are. allowed to have their emotional. reactions and it's not your. responsibility to manage their emotional. reactions part of the reason why we get. hooked into these toxic Dynamics with. people because you're part of the. dynamic somebody does something that. triggers you you go right in you start. to change how you show up you start to. compensate you start to people please or.

you get all mad and angry and next thing. you know it erupts and it's the same. thing over and over and over again and. you wonder why it never changes well. part of the reason why is that person's. never going to change you cannot control. that but you can change the energy. you're putting into the dynamic when you. were asked what was the worst advice you. ever given do you remember what you said. I do not what is it you said the worst. advice I was I've ever received is that. someone else can make you happy oh it's. so true it's so true money can't make.

you happy someone else can't make you. happy and it's correlated to what you. were just saying there in a way it's. very correlated because a lot of us are. putting our energy into trying to push. other people to show up a certain. way when if you were to pull all that. energy. back and conserve it for. yourself you suddenly start taking. respons responsibility and you have more. energy to take the steps and to change.

the way that you think so that you can. have what you want in your life and. there are exceptions look you're not. just going to let somebody get behind. the wheel of a car if they've been. drinking so if it's dangerous if it's. self-destructive it's if it's. discriminatory you have to step in in my. opinion and do something but here's the. rub hold the intervention with your. friend who is an addict offer to pay for. the treatment center if you can afford. to to do so but then you have to let. them do what they're going to.

do it makes the responsibility of how. you show up entirely on you which means. you are now operating based on your. values and based on what you want in. your life and based on the kind of. person that you want to be not because. you're doing it out of obligation or. manipulation or that sort of. transactional nature that we get into. with people it seems to be both self and. selfless at the same time in a way I. don't think it's selfish at all really I.

actually think it's one of the most. generous things you could. do how is not controlling other people a. selfish thing to do I'm not saying I. don't. care I'm saying I'm aware that you are a. independent human being with his own. feelings and his own life path and his. own values and. expectations and when I step in and try. to fix everything for you or change how. you feel I actually rob you of both the.

breakdowns that you need I rob you of. the responsibility that you need to take. and I don't own the part of the equation. in every relationship every relationship. has an energetic exchange I do. something and now you are going to react. and are you going to react based on. what's align for you are you going to. react as a way to try to. change how I am taking that hook out. though feels like it serves you in a.

profound way as well which is the self. selfish part of the equation doesn't. feel selfish but over the long term it's. going to serve you so it's it is a an AC. of self-preservation or taking care of. oneself yeah and I also feel like. there's a healthy dose of curiosity in. this because it's going to reveal all. the things in your life that really. bother you because right now you're. distracting Yourself by being upset. about other. people instead of pulling that energy. back in and going oh well if it really. bothers me that my sister-in-law never.

comes to visit me then I clearly care. about this. relationship and so do I care about the. the them be me being right and them. always coming to me do I care about Tit. for Tat or do I actually just care about. building a good relationship with. somebody this is also extraordinarily. effective if you're dealing with. somebody that has any toxic Tendencies. any narcissistic trait like when you. look at the research around especially. narcissism and the fact that people are.

not born that way they're made that way. and it's highly unlikely that they're. changing based on the supply that they. constantly need when you go let them I'm. going to see what's coming I'm going to. anticipate what's coming I'm going to. let them have their tantrum which is. what typically happens and. I'm going to go into this wide open I'm. not going to allow myself to get. triggered by it because I am saying I.

know who this person is I know what's. going to happen I've been in this. Dynamic for years and I'm going to let. them do what they do and when that. happens you also kind of pres it's. almost like a a emotional force field. that goes up does this apply to Chris. too oh hell yes I mean I um I'm trying. to think of um how is Chris we talked. about him a bit last time um Chris is. fantastic he's getting a master in. transpersonal Psychology oh wow and uh.

he I'm really really really proud of him. he has started the he he's been doing. men's Retreats uh for six years and um. why why was there a catalyst yes um he. came out of his uh restaurant business a. broken human uh because the venture did. not succeed and he felt like an abject. failure and based on you know all the.

messaging that men in particular get. about providing he felt like he had. completely failed his wife and his three. children and all the friends and. families that had. invested and as I. scrambled and did whatever I could to. start try to keep us afloat when things. started to take off for me the shadow. that I cast just made him feel even. worse and so he was looking for.

something that would allow him to really. reconnect with himself to connect with. other men and so he created something. called Soul degree and um it's been a. real passion project of his he just does. two or three Retreats a year he just. opened up next year's registration and. sold it out in 24 hours which tells you. a little bit about the demand and the. desire for people to have deeper. experiences and deeper connection and.

you know to kind of circle back on that. topic about goals if you want to go. there. um I think it's very important you know. every this time of. year when January 1 rolls around January. 1 is what's called a temporal landmark. and a temporal Landmark I I'm not going. to get the definition right but it is. this term used for moments of. significance moments that create a.

before and an after and we've all had. experiences on birthdays ten 30y was one. of them yes of course right a before and. an after the reason why there are more. people that go to a gym on the first of. a month is not only because of the uh. incentive with pricing but it's because. it's a temporal Landmark quarters in a. business temporal Landmark but January 1. is a really huge temporal landmark. I think it's very important to do an.

assessment or an audit of where you are. before you jump into what's next and I. think this is the piece that everybody. misses when they sit down and they write. out a list of goals the most important. part of setting goals for yourself I. believe is first understanding where you. are and there's a simple exercise that. you can do. it's sort of like um if you think about. directions it's mathematically.

impossible to give somebody a set of. directions unless we know you're. starting point and where you want to go. and most people pick their head up and. go I want to go there without going well. where am I right now and so just take. out a blank piece of paper and write out. all the categories of your life it. there's no formula for this literally. you could do 10 different categories you. could do five you could do relationships. money my health my happiness. and just rank them where are you 1 to 10.

1 to 5 whatever you want and explain. why and I think a really good goal is to. Simply say to. yourself how do I make this number two. or three points. higher that right there changes your. direction you know where you're starting. from and you ask yourself well if my. health is a two what would a five look. look like and can I work towards that. and to me that's what goals are goals.

are that sort of point on a map that are. your next couple steps dreams are. something else and dreams are just as. important because dreams. are that moment where you pick your head. up and you get really. quiet and you tune in to what your mind. body and spirit is telling you kind of. aim that inner.

Compass out into the distance and you. ask yourself where do I want to. go like if you think about five or 10. years from now and and the easiest way. for me to figure out that is who am I. jealous of that usually shows up a lot. faster than who am I inspired by because. jealousy is just blocked desire you. can't feel jealous. of somebody unless you. authentically want something for real.

that you think that they. have and the jealousy happens because. you have somewhere in your psyche told. yourself you can't have. it and that's why it comes up as. negative but I want you to consider if. you were to allow. yourself at this time of year or right. now after this podcast to just. span the world and ask yourself who am I.

either inspired by or who am I jealous. of give yourself permission to do that. and then get curious well what is it. exactly because it might not be the. fancy cars or the things that you see it. might be a sense of Peace it might be. that they seem to have a great uh family. life it might be that they. uh have a very vibrant energy to them. that there's something behind the stuff.

on the surface that really is aligned. with what is hardwired in you and pay. attention to that because those dreams. are there for a reason see I think that. they are the beacons out in the future. that are directional. signals just because you have this dream. doesn't mean you're going to get it the. dream's purpose in your life is is to. get your head out of the sand and to. look out ahead and to point you in a.

different. direction dreams dreams and. goals it's funny because as you were. saying that I was wondering what your. dreams and goals must be and it made me. think of this comment that I saw on our. last conversation last time you came on. the podcast it said dear Mel you've. touched me I've had a similar molest. experience I came out after the. experience and I told my parents about.

it but I didn't tell them for many many. many years because I thought I would be. blamed for it because that is how my. mother always treated me I can finally. totally relate to somebody in you I've. been living in fear all of my 71 years. of life. fear Capital words controls me to this.

day now thanks to you I have the answers. I can now live the rest of my days. better I've spent my life trying to fix. me with you I have directions to follow. now so thank you. Mel thank you for sharing that. um I um you know one of the things that. is profound about the let them Theory. is that if you're in a situation where. you're terrified of somebody's.

reaction just tell yourself let. them let them have the reaction that. they're going to. have because if you allow the space for. your parents in that situation to have a. really horrible reaction you've. anticipated that it's coming and you've. also allowed them to be. human and you to empower yourself to. then do what you need to do for.

yourself which is to say it out. loud and to tell the truth about what. happened to you because it's not about. your parents reaction it's about you. finding the courage and making the. decision and taking the action to say. this. happened and that's the beginning of of. your life moving in a completely. different. direction because you know.

fear is something that runs people's. lives it makes you avoid it makes you. shrink it makes you live in silence it. makes you deny what you're. feeling and too often the fear that we. feel the most is we're afraid of what. other people are going to say we're. afraid of other people's reactions let. them have it let them be human let them. do and I'm not saying let people treat. you.

poorly what I'm here to tell you is that. when you take responsibility for your. truth and you take responsibility for. expressing it and then you take. responsibility for your. boundaries and you take responsibility. for your. healing you do have the possibility of. living the rest of your life in a. completely different.

way as you know whoop are a sponsor of. this podcast which came about from me. being the biggest fan of their product. it's been an absolute game changer for. my sleep for my recovery and for my. overall well-being whoop is a wearable. device this thing on my wrist right here. if you're watching me that not only. tracks your health 247 but also guides. you to improve it it's probably the. perfect gift for the person who has. everything or is impossible to buy for. which is what my friends say to me. because it's the kind of gift that keeps. on giving offering realtime benefits for.

their health and their Wellness forever. so if you're on the hunt for the perfect. present for a loved one or a team member. or even for you this festive season I. would highly highly recommend checking. out whoop and they very kindly offered. our community here under the D CEO a. special discount just for you but keep. this to yourself if you head over to. join. whoop.com. CEO you can get that discount let me. know who you get one for and how they. get on. as you know because I've been sent. thousands of messages these conversation. cards sell out exceptionally quick so.

here's the deal I'm going to make with. you if you join the waiting list which. is in the description below you will get. sent access to buy these conversation. cards 1 hour before anybody else they're. in limited Supply so if you really do. want to get your hands on them please do. add your name to the waiting list in the. description below and you can find that. waiting list at theconversation. cards.com but I'll also include it in. the description below wherever you're. listening to this episode when did you. receive your diagnosis of ADHD uh I was.

I think like. 47 how did it change things well it was. amazing I I absolutely amazing you were. recently diagnosed right yeah um so it. changed everything because um I. finally had an explanation. for something about the way that my mind. worked and the way that I felt that made.

me for 47 years feel like there was. something defective about me and I. couldn't figure out what it. was and I was diagnosed the way that. most women that are adults are diagnosed. and it goes a little something like this. you have a kid so my husband and I have. three children and um our youngest. Oakley was this just amazing kind of.

casseroll of things and one of the. things that he was is that he had a lot. of trouble in school he just we didn't. even know that he couldn't read I mean. talk about being a parent that asleep at. the wheel we didn't find out that he. couldn't read Stephen until he was in. the fourth grade and the reason why we. didn't know and the school didn't know. is is because he had so. overcompensated in the classroom by.

being so verbal first kid with the hand. up blah blah blah blah blah like talking. talking talking that. nobody knew that he was having trouble. and all of a sudden the math problems. get harder because they become word. problems all of a sudden reading. comprehension and you know not not to. mention the fact that he also had dis. graphia which basically means that it. looked like he was writing with his feet. I mean his handwriting was so bad and I. was befuddled by this because he could.

literally sit in front of the TV and. play video games for hours and have. hyperfocus and all this dexterity and so. I just thought oh he's acting out he. can't stand school so we have this great. teacher in the public school system who. says you really need to get him tested. and I wouldn't test him in the school. and luckily we were at a point where we. could afford to go get I think it's. called a uh psychographic. something something it's like a long. word and sure enough the testing comes.

back and the uh PhD neuros pych guy is. like yeah well he has profound dyslexia. he has profound disg graphia he has. executive functioning issues which is. basically the conductor or the secretary. in the brain sort of helping you stay. organized and a couple steps ahead he. has. ADHD and as I'm reading through this. report I'm sitting in the pediatrician's. office Stephen and I'm looking at this. report and I'm reading it and I look up. at his pediatrician who I had become.

good friends with because we had three. kids in the practice at this point I'm. like. Mark do you. think maybe have I I have. ADHD and he puts his paper down Stephen. and he goes do I think you have ADHD of. course you have ADHD you are the most. ADHD person parent in my entire practice. I'm like what do you mean he's like Mel. you're brilliant and yet you never do.

what you say you're going to do you will. leave here and tell me you're going to. call you never call back your kids go. years without coming in because you miss. all their Wellness appointments you. scramble every single year for the uh. physicals that your kids need and you. beg us to it is Clockwork of course you. have ADHD and I look at him Stephen and. I'm like why didn't you tell me he said. because I'm not your doctor and so I. went and I got the testing Stephen and. and turns out yes ADHD dyslexia same. profile as my son.

and what was interesting about getting. the diagnosis because I didn't. understand what ADHD was I always. thought that ADHD is that you can't pay. attention same that's not what it is at. all and so. learning about what it is and learning. that boys and girls present completely. differently so there's an entire. generation of women I don't know if you. know this but there's an entire.

generation of women called The Lost. Generation and what happened is when. they were studying ADHD I guess in the. late 60s and early 70s they only looked. at boys and so boys tend to show the. symptoms of ADHD around the age of seven. and it typically is around um the. hyperactivity or the inability to kind. of like focus and and control their body. movements girls on the other hand don't.

sh start displaying symptoms until about. the age of 12 and the symptoms are very. different girls become um inattentive. but in a kind of daydreaming fashion. they become a little bit more. disorganized and they aim all of this. back at themselves and so as you become. kind of more Inward and you are. inattentive and you're disorg Oran and. you start to wonder what's wrong with. you and now plus the average age of. girls for puberty is right around then.

too so all this other stuff is starting. to happen and hormones are starting to. change if you. don't get properly diagnosed and treated. and by treated I mean the whole array of. things that you can do whether you're. talking about medication or just the. different habits that you can have or. systems that you can develop to support. yourself if you don't get properly. tested and you don't address it do you. know what the number one thing that.

happens you develop anxiety oh really. well of course because you're sitting in. a classroom and you can't get yourself. to focus and you're disorganized and you. start to feel this sense of alarm that. you're going to walk into a test and. you're not going to be able to do it. that you're going to yet again open your. locker and the stuff's going to fly. everywhere that yet again you're going. to forget your friend's birthday or. you're going to forget to do this thing. and so all of this anxiety Rises to the.

surface so get this so they call us The. Lost Generation of women because what do. you suppose if we were not diagnosed so. I'm 55 if I'm in elementary school in. the late 70s and the you know and and. they've only studied boys and so none of. this is on anybody's radar screen you. now have a generation of women who are. developing anxiety at Big levels in high. school and college I was textbook and so.

we get treated for the. anxiety and medicated for it without. addressing the underlying issue all. along which was undiagnosed ADHD so for. me it was. absolutely lifechanging and it was. life-changing to understand that ADHD is. not about your inability to focus it is. about the fact and I'm sure you probably. have dug into this and you know this but. for you know anybody anytime I talk.

about this the number of women that are. going to write in the number of dads. that will write in about their daughters. the number of people that say oh my God. I had anxiety in high school too and now. now I've been uh diagnosed with ADHD and. it was because of my kid going through. this and this is exactly my story it is. happening over and over and over again. and so here's what really also helped me. Stephen and it's this. understanding that focus and the ability.

to focus in appropriate ways requires. two different neural networks in your. brain and you can think about it this. way if you think about you know the. prefrontal cortex this kind of part of. your brain really has the job of almost. being like a conductor of an orchestra. this is the best um example that I've. heard in terms of what's happening if. you have. ADHD and what's happening is if you.

think about an orchestra and and the. orchestra's warming up right it's. like and the drums are Ting ding ding. ding ding and people are shuffling in. their seats we know that sound right and. then all of a sudden the conductor's. like. TI and everybody silent. right in order to conduct an orchestra. you got to be able to do two things at. once you got to be able. to lower the volume on the strings over.

here and then you got to be able. to. amplify the focus on the percussion over. here and what happens when this part of. your brain is not switching properly is. you are like Mel Robbins in college and. I would be with my books and I would be. in the Stacks at Baker Library at. Dartmouth College and I'd be there. because I'm going to study.

right and my Orchestra conductor cannot. shush anything so the second I sit down. if I'm G to study I have to do two. things I have to be able to quiet all. the ambient noise I have to be able to. quiet all the signaling in my body so. that what I can amplify my attention on. what I'm reading when this part of your. brain doesn't work what ends up. happening or at least this is the way. that it's been explained to me is that I.

can't focus on my books because I'm. paying attention to the fact that my. stomach is grumbling and I hear people. walking and then I'm looking around and. then I'm paying attention to the fact. that I have to go to the bathroom so. then I'm up then I'm walking around and. that is how I lived for a very very long. time do you think that's a survival. response what do you mean becoming very. aware of your. surroundings you know what I mean has. anyone ever researched whether or not.

there is a link between trauma and ADHD. yes and Gabel mate I believe is the is. the one that's made a pretty pretty. compelling case to me that ADHD appears. to be linked to Childhood trauma which. is you I'm going to butcher this so. please forgive me everybody the case he. made to me was that when you have a. chaotic or traumatic or stressful. childhood as a survival mechanism you. learn to tune out and that's that's. that's protective so if your parents are.

always screaming in the house for. example it makes a lot of sense for you. to learn to tune out in that moment but. also to know when to tune in obsessively. and maybe that's the hyperfocus bit the. bit that he really stressed to me was. that kids that go through some kind of. interpretation of a stressful. environment at a young age or a. traumatic environment are more likely to. have ADHD because they've learned to. tune out in order to sort of conserve. and survive it's like my rough. understanding of it well it makes a lot. of sense right because um if you also.

have a really chaotic environment it. might not be safe for you to tune out. yeah and so you've got to stay in that. hypervigilant mode which I think would. fry the conductor in your brain it does. yeah because you're both paying. attention to the the survival signals in. your body at the same time as the chaos. in your house and even if you're tuning. out the parents who are screaming at. each other you are still tuned into it. because heaven forbid B it escalates. yeah you got to know yeah and so I think. it makes perfect sense honestly but it.

was just a GameChanger and it was a. GameChanger to know kind of the. distinction between boys and girls and. the link with anxiety uh in terms of it. developing uh in a pronounced way for. those of us that have had this. experience of having this as a diagnosis. learning it late in life and then. tracing it back and going oh my god I've. been treated for anxiety for all these. years when the real issue was this. attention issue and if you take gabber.

mate's Theory which I think is probably. accurate dial it back even further and. it's probably some form of childhood. trauma that put a kink in the. wires menopause you talked about. menopause earlier yes do we have to I. mean Jesus okay why what do you want to. know wh why did you respond like that. you know because it's um um it's really. confounding and it's confounding because.

there's I don't even know if that's the. right word it's overwhelming everybody. my age is talking about it because what. happens is you start to lose control of. your body and um you're going through. all of these changes that you feel like. you are not in control of and so you. know I realize I look like a very lean. person and so the truth is that I am a. very lean person I have not changed my.

habits in I don't know eight years I. have very very healthy habits because I. force myself to do things I don't feel. like doing. um and yet they're not working and my. body is expanding and brain fog is. increasing and I am like a furnace to. sleep next to at night. and um all of which is a function of the.

changing levels of estrogen in my body. and what's very challenging about um. dealing with kind of hormone changes is. that there's so much conflicting advice. out there and to truly know what's going. on in your body you have to be drawing. blood you have to be looking at what's. going on in the inside that is extremely. expensive for most people it also is a. big maintenance issue it's a gigantic. pain in the ass and it doesn't feel like.

anybody really has a good handle on this. and I think as a woman it's very. frustrating to know that women were not. even involved in uh medical research. until the late 80s and it's even more. frustrating to know and look I could be. wrong on this but we had an expert on. our show explain that they only use. postmenopausal women because they don't. want women women's hormones to throw off. the results of the testing that they're.

going through with medication and so it. just feels like a massive gray area for. more than half the population our entire. network from the brain through the. entire body is running on estrogen. there's new research around like just. stopping menopause altogether because. women's uh Health out women's um I'm I'm. you know I'm not a medical expert so I'm. trying to learn all this stuff to. educate myself do I take a pill do I put.

a cream on do I have this little patch. do I sleep on a pad that makes me cold. so my husband won't like complain that. I'm sweating like through the sheets do. I do on bamboo like it is. so overwhelming and then and you know. and I even feel my cheeks getting hot so. it could be a hot flash coming on I. don't know all I know is I'm drinking my. water and I'm taking my progesterone and. I'm doing my estrogen patch and now I've. tried the blood draws and everybody has. a different opinion is it your gut. health is it your estrogen health I.

don't know I just know my body is. changing and some days I feel like a uh. a a a p a a mayor that's being put out. to pasture and part of the issue is the. lifespan we have if you think about it. like our our life expectancy has way. eclipsed the fertility cycle of women. and so we now for most of us will have. another 30 or 40 years if we take care.

of ourselves and that's a long time to. live a very vibrant and amazing life. which I believe that we can and to have. a body where your entire system needs. estrogen and yet your body is starting. to lose it and so that's part of the. reason why there's so much interesting. research going on around whether or not. the answer is to just keep us.

menstrating so that we're naturally. producing this in our bodies so. interesting it's funny because I'm I'm. not going to go through menopause myself. well that would be interesting but. obviously you'll do manopause though. because you'll probably have a drop in. testosterone uhuh but but on the subject. of menopause I'm going to be surrounded. by women that are going to go through it. and blo and all the bees so get ready. and I want I want to make sure I. understand that's why I'm so curious.

about it but it's I crazy thing is I. only learned about it like a year ago on. this book wait you didn't know no about. menopause no well that that's true. you're a 30-year-old man why or 31 why. would you know about menopause I learned. from interviewing people on this podcast. and i' I became so fascinated by it. because people aren't talking about it. enough or at least they haven't. historically the conversation has has in. my view has risen in cultural. um popularity over the last couple of. years but Well here here's my take on it.

stepen thank God it has yeah because if. you look at the fact that women were not. included in you know the medical. research until the late. 80s and you realize that more than half. the. population are women and that menopause. and women's hormone Health was a chapter. in the OBG. uh. schooling and it is an enormous part of.

how a woman woman's body function like. if we pull away all the skin and what. you see is all the wiring the fuel that. is really circulating through a woman's. body is estrogen and other hormones this. is again I am not a medical expert I am. just a woman who is trying desperately. to figure out how to make sense of an. extraordinarily important topic that.

until recent years has not been looked. at with the scientific rigor that it. deserves and demands and that women. around the planet need and it has just. been kind of like an afterthought that. okay you're going to take some hormones. and then that'll be that you'll be. through it I mean most of the advice. that I got when I started to get the. thickening and the hot flashes started. to come and it's too much information. for me to talk about all the other uh. symptoms that you may feel when you go. through menopause is basically like well.

you know it'll take about 10 years and. then you'll bounce back that is not. acceptable when it comes to how we can. care for and. Empower more than half of the people on. this planet and there it is exciting. though because I do believe that. somebody will figure this out out soon. that there will be more research there. already are companies popping up all. over the place that are doing really.

exciting stuff it's just kind of one of. these issues that's really confusing. because if you Google it or you listen. to an expert on the topic it really does. depend on your personal history because. if you've had any form of breast cancer. or or history of that in your family it. can be very dangerous or. life-threatening for you to hormones and. so again I'm I I have a lot to say about. this because I'm in the middle of it but.

I don't know a lot and I think that's. the thing that's. scary my last question before I go to. the book the hardest question that. people ask me and I've struggled with it. for couple of years and I still struggle. with it now to be honest is they ask me. what's driving me and I always I I pause. because I don't want to give a [ __ ]. answer like what I do I really know at. the core of me what's driving me you. talked about a lot of it being. subconscious I don't really know and the. other thing that people people ask me is. what's your goal and because I think. I've got this sort. of predisposition now or this.

perspective that I don't know I don't. know if there is a goal I I know that. you know there's this state of being. that I want to arrive in every day this. feeling I want but is there a goal. because I've completed loads of my goals. and it wasn't. that so so I'm cautious about setting. any goals so I'm going to throw the. question at you what is your thanks a. lot what is your goal is there a goal is. that a [ __ ]. question um because I've read that quote. to you that's I mean someone can't have.

more profound impact on another person's. life than that so I'm like you know you. did it you have the gazillion followers. you've climbed the mountain you've got. the car the money savings the kids are. good relationships in a great. place uh my goal is to enjoy it as much. as I can it's a good goal another goal. is to um to have a great relationship. with my kids and my.

husband yeah I think um. having it's very fulfilling to have. um our adult. kids uh be such good friends I really. love. that why does that make you emotional um. because they're cool I mean I just you.

know why it makes me emotional is. because. um I know they're choosing to spend time. with us and um I saw this thing on um I. it's it's floating around I'm sure you. saw it too about how um the amount of. time you spent with your parents just. declines over time it like literally. goes off a cliff and so I um just love. the time that I have with them because I. think they're all really interesting and. unique and.

um I love that they choose to spend a. lot of time with. this we have a closing tradition on this. podcast where the last guest leaves a. question for the next guest not knowing. who they're GNA leave it for this is it. about menopause can you imagine well it. might be it depend on your. answer the question left for you I love. how these are always the most difficult. questions my questions are a walk in the. park um what is the most difficult. challenge that you have. overcome i' I'd say.

um there's some I I have a bazillion. answers to this like I wanted to say. getting out of bed every morning when I. don't feel like it because that ability. to feel resistance in your body and get. out of bed and face the day is. the skill that you need for any change. and I over and I I face it every day and. every way I think the most difficult if.

you were to measure it in. time challenge would. be rewiring my nervous system if that's. even possible technically that's. probably not a thing that you do but to. deprogram all of the. crap that was there and you can't get. rid of it entirely but to make the. Pathways in my body that used to be. driven by either trauma or fear or.

anxiety that were so hardwired to make. those not be the default and. to gain a level of. self-awareness and have the tools to be. able to catch myself and and be like Oh. not going to be the grizzly bear right. now and focusing on being action. orientated as you said yeah and just. prioritizing. peace well thank you thank you so much. for your um for your Brilliance oh I.

could I could talk about so many. specific things that I think are so. exceptional about you but that we'. probably be here for another two hours. or so so um thank you so much because. you you know you. um you have a wonderfully unique talent. wisdom ability to dissect understand. reflect Express. be authentic vulnerable in a way that. the world so desperately needs it needs.

someone with that talent for. understanding introspection processing. communication and that's what you have. and I don't I it's hard to think of many. examples where I've seen that like you. are very much oneof a kind and it's a. and it's a responsibility unfortunately. it's a great responsibility I don't feel. that way I feel like it's so much easier. than faking it dude I look at you and I. go you've got so much talent that it's a. responsibility because you can impact. 71y old you know lady here to Pivot her.

life I give that's a responsibility and. do you know what I think is a great. thing in life meaningful. responsibilities I think we're all. trying to find it and I think that's. what you have the gift of so um you know. I'm always going to be your number one. fan and gosh I actually just think. you're at the beginning of your journey. so I'm excited to see all of it play out. thank you Mom thank you can I say one. more thing no I'm joking of course. that comment by what was her name I. don't think she left her name she didn't.

okay so that comment name that that. comment makes. me one of the reasons. why I think I'm so driven is. because I know how many. people go through life day-to-day. feeling in visible and stuck and not. seen and so if I can.

share any small thing that I've done. that has made a difference or any. detail about a challenge that I'm facing. even if it's. complaining about menopause and hot. flashes and. bloating if that means one human being. out there somewhere across the world. goes I'm not the only.

one that's why I do what I do because. I lived inside a body and a brain for. too many decades going I think I'm the. only one who feels this way I think. there's something wrong with me I don't. think I'm ever going to be able to fix. this and it's simply not true you're not. the only one there's somebody on this. planet going through it and has changed. your life the better and if they've done. it so can.

you thank you you're. [Music]. welcome as you'll know this podcast is. sponsored by. H and I have to say it's moments like. this in my life where I'm extremely busy. and I'm flying all over the place and. I'm recording TV shows and I'm recording. shows in America and here in the UK that. hu is a. necessity in my life I'm someone that. regardless of external circumstances or. professional demands wants to stay.

healthy and nutritionally complete and. that's exactly where heel fits in my. life so if you're looking to try heel. for the first time and to get into it. and to join the huigan family I'd highly. recommend you try this. out do you need a podcast to listen to. next we've discovered that people who. liked this episode also tend to. absolutely love another recent episode. we've done so I've linked that episode. in the description below I know you'll. enjoy it.

[Music].