Matthew McConaughey: The Silent Crisis No One Is Talking About! I Sabotaged My Own Career!

I think too many people quit too early. and we give oursel the options in the. parachutes and things like relationships. and work self-help and we pull at some. when we could still be flying even. though maybe rocky flight we pull it. early and okay it's a safe move got down. to the ground what I was building didn't. last but most of the time it could if. you'd hung in there but if you have any. ambition resistance is going to come and. so own that. >> Matthew. >> Matthew. >> Matthew Mah. >> you've been able to climb to the very. top of the mountain again and again and.

again. Is this natural talent or is. there anything transferable? >> First to look at what's in your DNA. Like I wanted to play basketball, but no. matter how hard I worked, I was not the. fastest nor the biggest. To look at what. do you have an innate ability for? Then. what are you willing to hustle for? And. this is very important because some of. us have innate ability, but we don't. work for it. We grew up hardcore on. hustle, hustle, hustle. Sleep was sin in. my household and no TV. Mom would always. say, "Why are you going to watch someone. doing something when you can go out in. the world and do it yourself?" And then. number three, endurance. I remember this.

one time when I told my agent, "What I. want to do is dramas, no more romcoms.". And this $8 million offer comes in, comedy. I read it. I said, "No, thank. you." I come back with a $12 million. offer. No thanks. $14.5 million offer. I. said, "Let me read that again.". Ultimately said, "No, I just bought. myself a one-way ticket out of. Hollywood." About 20 months after offers. came in, would those have come if id. have never stepped out? No. >> No. Number four. If you do this, you're. most likely going to have some success. in life and that is you.

>> And what about Admiral Bill McRaven? >> So he shared great wisdom with me when I. was seeking out male mentors. >> We reached out to Bill and he wrote this. letter for you. He said, "Dear Matthew, wow. Are you able to share what you were. seeking guidance from him about? [Music]. To my regular listeners, I know you. don't like it when I ask you to. subscribe at the start of these. conversations. I don't like saying I.

don't like it being in there. None of us. like it. It's frustrating. Do you know. what's also frustrating? It's also. frustrating when I go into the back end. of a YouTube channel and I see that 56%. of you that listen frequently to this. podcast haven't yet subscribed. And so. many of you don't even know that you. haven't subscribed because I see in the. comment section you say to me, "You go, I didn't even realize I didn't. subscribe." And that actually fuels the. show. It's basically like you're making. a donation to the show. So that's why I. ask all the time because it enables us. to build and build and build and build. and we're going for the long term here. So all I'd ask you is if you've seen. this show before and you like it, help.

me, help my team here, hit the subscribe. button and we'll continue to build this. show for you. That's my promise. Thank. you to all of you guys that do. subscribe. Means the world to me. Let's. get on with the show. [Music]. Matthew, you're a. particularly surprisingly. artistic, creative, wise, yet materially successful individual. And it wasn't until I dove deeper into.

your story that I started to understand. why that was why you are to me in my. mind such an anomaly because you are you. seem to be several things that don't. often appear in the same place. So my. first question to you is what do I need. to understand about your earliest. context to understand. who you are, the values you have and the. perspective that you view the world. with? >> Fun question. earliest on.

basic values. of respect yourself, respect others, give a damn about yourself, give a damn. about others. Combined with a mother. that wherever we went. in the world that we might have been a. little nervous to take a risk at, she. was like, "Don't walk in there like you. want to buy the place. Walk in like you. own it." So a a sort of boosting up of. what you could say is massive ego but. also you were not allowed to walk on.

your proverbial toes in our family. you. were brought down. And if anyone. in our family, if anything, I would say. going back, I think mom, mom and dad. maybe could have been a little more. lenient with the successes that we had. and let when we did parade, when my. brother did win the the track meet and. walk through the house like this to. allow him to do that and and and you. weren't allowed to. You weren't allowed. to do that. You were immediately. humbled. No matter if you were coming.

right off a victory or a win or a box. office hit, you weren't allowed to. At. the same time, you were raised up once. you were humbled. Um, that balance. We were taught resilience. Heavy heavy duty resilience. Baseline. gratitude. Quit asking me for new shoes. I'm going. to introduce you to the kid with no. feet. Well, okay. Like sobering. These. were were these apherisms from my. mother. Yeah, but they were pounded into. us. All right. At the same time,

I was spent 36 years thinking I was. little Mr. Texas cuz my mom told me I. was until 36 years later I look at the. trophy and it says I was runner up and I. go, "Oh, mom was like overselling us to. ourselves at the same time. You better. be humble." So, it was almost like that. the out anything exterior. should not give you your identity. Even. though my mom's maliprop and fibbing to. us going, "You're little Mr. Texas." Or,

"Here, write this poem. I know you. didn't write it, but it's really good. So, turn that in for the seventh grade. poetry contest." Okay. And I win. It's true story. Um, so this outlaw logic of my mom and. my dad also with work ethic. Hustle, hustle, hustle. Sleep was sin in my. household. Sin. I saw my dad asleep one time in my. life. I got up at 8:00 on a Saturday.

morning and looked pee went through the. kitchen and peaked and I saw him. sleeping. I went and woke up my. brother's like, "Dude, what dad's still. asleep?". He actually died 2 and a half months. later. And connected that idea that, oh, if he. slept in that late, he must have not. been feeling well. If it was daylight, you couldn't be inside. There's a fierce sense of independence. Hour, 30 minutes TV a night max. Mom. would always say, "Why are you going to. watch someone doing something when you. can go out in the world and do it. yourself? Turn that damn thing off. Get.

outside." You had to be outside. Like, go get out in the world. Go hustle. Figure it out. Be home in the dark. That. was just the understood rule. >> What about love? >> We always knew we were loved. There's. never a question that we were loved as. as loving our each other, loving mom and. dad, being loved by mom and dad, and. make and mom would always keep on to. make sure you're loving yourself. I remember breakups, heartbroken. She'd.

let she'd let us mourn. She was a great. ear, very sensitive ear to that kind of. to pains like that, broken hearts. But only for a day. After a day, she'd crank up the AC/DC, man, and go like, "Now, get up. You're. worth it." Her loss. Come on. Get out of. bed. Uh-uh. Come on. Uhuh. Quit moping. Lift your head up. Come on. Come on, buddy. We got this. Uh-uh. Her loss. To. give you the day. No more than that.

Our love in the family was physical. My mom and dad. married three times, divorced twice to. each other. They. fought. I got a great story in green. lights of them fighting and my mom. bashing and breaking my dad's nose with. the phone, him getting angry, her. pulling a chef's knife out, him dancing.

around, dodging these blades and then. grabbing a ketchup bottle and. like a matador going touche. and splattering over with it and she's. getting it out of us just getting so. damn I'll cut you from your pocket. touch. And finally her getting so. frustrated, throwing the knife down, crying, both of them crying, coming. together, embracing, going to the floor. on the lolium kitchen floor and making. love,

no grudges, no grounding. You get in trouble, which we did. one, we were always guilty when we got. in trouble, but it was corporal. It was take your. licks. Get it over with. Take your. licks. We're not going to ground you. because that'd be taking away your time. and your time is the most valuable thing. you got. So, take it. Take your licks. You're not going to get injured. It's. going to hurt. And don't yell cuz if you. yell more than licks, you're going to.

get another one. >> Licks. >> Licks with a belt. I can't, I hate, and lying were three. things that you got in trouble for. If I said I can't, my dad's teeth would. just start to go, "Excuse me? You sure you're not just. having trouble?". I remember this one time I was going out. to do my chores Saturday morning to mow. the lawn and I I couldn't get the damn.

lawn mower to start. Checked everything, couldn't get it to start. I'm going. inside. I said, "Dad, can you help me. out? I I can't get the lawn mower. started." And he turned around, saw his. molders. What? And he got up, walked with me through. the kitchen, through the garage, out the. backyard, went to the lawnmower, messed. around, pulled a couple things out. After about 10 minutes, boom, cranked. it. And while the lawnmower was running. right there, he came over to me and bent down and. looked me. He goes, "See, son,

you were just having trouble.". I said, "I hate you to my brother." cuz. I heard the word at school and I thought. it could make me feel like I was older. I thought it was like a a teenage soap. opera thing and I was only nine. So I. threw it out there one day at my own. birthday party. My own birthday party. I. said to her, "I hate you." And my mom. stopped the entire party. 40 kids my age. in the backyard. Stopped it. My birthday. stopped it. Pulled me around the side of.

the house and he said, "What did you. say?" You don't ever use that word. especially to someone in your family. Gave me licks on the side of the house. and then went around dry your tears. resume birthday party's back on. Don't. ever use that word especially to someone. in your family. So what did I learn from. don't say can't that. unable to do something you can even if. you can't pull it off you can go find. help which means you were just having. trouble. What I learned from getting a.

butt whoop him for saying I hate you to. my brother. Well, what I was learning is. the antonyms to those words because. saying I can't, lying, and saying I hate. you were bringing me pain. So, the. opposite must bring pleasure, right? Tell the truth, love, and believe that. you can. Those were the values, how I. remember them getting instilled in me. And to this day, I still have them. Trying to transfer to. my kids as well in a different way than.

my parents did. But I still not even. intellectually have them. I have they're. in my they're in my being now. So the. the the the love was tough. The love was. phys. We hugged. 999 times more than we more than the the. the hands soothed much more than they. hurt. 999 times out of a thousand. But. it was a we were a physical hugging. loving family. You always went to bed. with an I love you and a kiss. Even if.

it was ritual, which it was, like a Sunday service, gotta wake up. Even if I'm not listening to the damn. preacher, I'm being subconsciously. reminded that you should take a day out. of the week to be at the most number. two. That you should go get humbled and. say thank you to a higher power and. thank you for the things that you have. in your life and thank you for the. people you have in your life and helping. those people double down on those great. attributes that they have. So the the love was all there that I'm.

happy to say that all the I have people, you know, after that story I told about. my mom and dad with the knife and the. ketchup. People come, "Oh my god, I'm so. sorry about your childhood. Oh my god, have you had therapy?" I'm like, "No, and before you please, if you don't. mind, don't you feel I feel like you're. trespassing a little bit by giving by. coming out of the gate saying, "Oh my. god, you were abused." No, I wasn't. abused. And I never felt like I wasn't loved. again. I felt like I let my parents down. those times.

I did I fear my parents? Yep. Are there a lot of things I did not do. as a kid that I should not have done for. fear of the consequences? Yep. We knew we were loved. I knew I was. loved. My brothers knew they were loved. My second brother's adopted. He knew he. was loved. And it was hard love. And it. was tough love. And my mom and dad's. love was passionate love. Um, I mean,

divorced twice, married three times is a. pretty good example of can't live with. you, can't live without you. The one. thing I remember being crystal clear to. me when I was 8 years old, shaking hands with these two guys that. turned out now later in life, I know. they were actually dad's collectors. I shook their hand. Oak Forest Country. Club parking lot. Sun was down in my. eyes. They had shades on. I asked her, "Nice to meet you, sir. Nice to meet. you, sir." I remember my eight-year-old. mind going, you know, everyone that my. dad's making me say sir to. The one.

common denominator besides being older. men is they're all fathers. And in my. head, I went like, "Oh, that's what. success is. If you become a father, you've. succeeded." And that was in my. 8-year-old, that was the math I did in. my 8-year-old mind, and it stuck with. me. So, the one thing I always knew was. I wanted to be was a dad. I meet Camila, fall in love, we make three children. I got to 17, 15,

12. There's nothing. that I can put ahead of. There's there's. let me put it this way. There's no time. that I spend being a father that I do. not feel like that is the absolute best. time I could be spending. >> You've had that since you were eight. Yeah, >> I've never heard that before. >> I longed for that. I thought that was. when you made it. >> Outside of wanting to be a father at 8. years old, which is fascinating to me. and something I want I do want to talk.

more about because I think that's a lost. uh goal in society unfortunately is at. that age when you sort of in your. adolescent years if ID asked you at the. time what you want to be when you're. older in a professional context, what. what would your answer have been? 15 16. years old. >> Washington [ __ ] running back. But coming about 16, as I started to. find out playing football that I was not. the fastest nor the biggest, um, it then. became probably.

I don't know if I really want to be. this, but I sure am told I'm a I'm a I'm. really good at debate. I'm a really good. debater. I would win over arguments with the. family when it would be like where to go. or, you know, if I could go out and why. I would have a great presentation. Parents were like, "Geez." And they'd. give us the floor. Go ahead. take the. floor. Let's hear let's let's hear your. argument. And I they'd be like, "Damn.". And so the the word around 15 16 was. like, "You got to go to law school, buddy. Go to go be a lawyer. Be be the.

family of lawyer, man. God dang, man. You're really good argue. You make great. arguments." And if it's not a great. argument, damn, you got endurance. You'll just outlast people. And that. became the thing. So I started to enjoy. that. And that's where I was headed. toward towards law school. And I was um. I was reading about your youth exchange. in Australia. and that you'd struggled a little bit in. in class and you were skipping class to. read poems. >> Yeah. >> By Lord Byron.

>> Yeah. >> So I just I I had graduated high school. at home in Long View in America. And at. 18 I just turned 18. 18 in my family was. freedom. If if you hadn't remember this, if you hadn't learned it yet, you ain't. going to learn it. 18 was now. no curfew. You've got it. You've got it. Come on. when you want. Do what you want. D. And.

I was rolling. I I straight A's. Mom and. dad are happy. I got a job on the. weekends and after school. I got 45. bucks cash in my pocket every day. I got. a car. It's paid for. I'm dating the. best looking girl at my school. Seeing. the girl at the other school. Oh, I got. to playing golf. I got a four handicap. I've had two holes and ones. I got no. curfew. Talk about green lights. I'm. rolling. I don't know what I want to do when I. get out of high school exactly, but law. school's coming up. But you know what? My mom goes, "What about Shane student?".

Sweden and Australia were the two. And I. chose Australia cuz said speak English. and maybe El McFersonson's over there. 18-year-old mind, right? Thinking, right? So boom, I go to Australia. I was told I was going to be living on. the outskirts of Sydney, which sounded. exciting to me. It was not the it was. the outskirts, but it was three and a. half hours from there. And it was in a. very small town of population 305 people. of Warner Bale. And I remember pulling. up that gravel driveway with that host.

family. And when the breaks, they're like, "Welcome to Australia, mate." I was. like, "All right, not what I thought, but I. can make this work." All of a sudden, I. don't have my car. I ain't got my. girlfriend. I want to go see on the. other side of town. I don't have my golf. clubs. I ain't got money in my pocket. And I got a 10 p.m. curfew even on. Friday and Saturday night. I'm going to school again. So, I feel. like I'm going in reverse socially. None.

of the friends at the school. They put. me in my junior year over there because. I went mid- semester and they wanted me. to go first half of the year with the. juniors so I could carry on the second. half of my year with what would become. seniors. So, I'm going I feel like I'm. going backwards socially. No one's got a. no one's got a car. Their interests seem to be different. The teachers are. not they're I'm I'm failing. They're. giving me Fs and everything. So I start. skipping this class, going to the.

library and I find Lord Byron. and I got my Walkman and I remember I. had YouTube's Rattle and Hum on. cassette. I had Maxi Priest. Maxi. Priest, he's got a great Cat Stevens. cover. and. an NXS album which was an Aussie band. Hutchinson as lead singer and those are. my rotation. especially Rattle and Hum. Rattle and. hum very socially conscious album about.

oppression and and and silver and gold. man that's what we're all after. Oh. yeah. You think that's going to get you. to the higher ground? Oh, the evils of. of of you know, capitalism gone wrong. and things like that and freeing Nelson. Mandela and all and I'm worldly things. that Bono and you two were talking. about. We're like, "Oo, making sense to. me. I'm outside of my home. I'm in a. formal little island." You learn, you. know, to have an object first objective. look back at your own life. When you.

leave what you know, you find out a lot. about what you actually know. And all of. a sudden, I'm seeing what my life was. as that kid who got the money and I'm. flowing. And I'm start look back going, I miss that. But I'm also going like, you're kind of good time rolling, Charlie. You're you're you're popular. Everything's going great for you. I. didn't have any resistance in front of. me, which was fine. But boy, now I got a. lot of resistance in front of me. I. don't have my friends to talk to. I got. questions coming up. This family's very.

have very awkward relationship with the. family. They even wanted me to call him. uh one night said, "From now on, you'll. uh address us as mum and pup.". Which. was a siminal moment because many things. had happened up until that point that. were odd that I was going, "Okay, that's just a a cultural. difference. That that's you, MCA. Hey, stay open here. That's a cultural. difference." But I remember the night.

they said that and it was the first time. and I needed it. It was 6 months into my. trip. It's the first time I went. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not doing that. It was clear. It's. the first time I had clarity. Remember, at this time, I'm reading Lord Byron in. the in the in the the the the library. The principles come to now see me and. go, "Look, doesn't look like school's. going good for you. We have this thing. called work experience. Let's get you a. job. You won't get paid." So, I worked. at the A&Z Bank. I worked at the.

barristers's office. I'm taking these. odd jobs as a carpenter and all these. different things. And my home life is. this over in Australia. I am getting. home. We have dinner at 5. We eat from. 5:00 to 5:30. I clean the dishes. I am. immediately going back to my room. Take. a bath. Listen to one of those three album and. cassettes. Read Lord Byron in the. bathtub. Work one out.

Six nights a week this I'm running six. miles a day I've become vegetarian. I'm. eating lettuce freaking lettuce head. with ketchup on it. I'm down to 135. pounds. I'm pretty dog on sure that I my. job is to go to South Africa and I'm. supposed to I'm going to be a monk and. that's that's that's where I'm going. Now I look back now and I see, oh, I. needed these disciplines to give me a. sense of measurement each day of, oh,

I've got my own thing going here because. my home life, I was lost, man. I'm lost. I don't have any. I'm writing 16page. letters to myself and I'm returning them. with a 17-page letter. Socratic letters to myself. about what? existential huge existential. questions mixed in with oh everything is. going great trying to talk myself into. keeping my head up you know what I mean. but I chose in hindsight I was like why.

didn't you come home early. and I remember it very clearly when I. said yes I'll go become an exchange. student the ambassador the American. ambassador said sign this contract that. says you won't return till a full year. unless there's a fatal ality in your. family or you're majorly sick. And I. said, I'm not signing that. I'll give. you a handshake on it, man, cuz I'm. going over there for the year. I'm not. pulling the parachute. And I remember.

that handshake. And I remember what my. dad told me about what it happens when. two men shake a hand, that you don't. need a contract, that that is the. contract. And I had a certain honor with. that. There was no way I was coming. home. If I had come home, I'd have felt. like I did my dad wrong. So, while I'm. over in Australia going inside out, imploding, I start to find a little power in the. fact that, oh man, the harder this gets,

the greater the reward there's going to. be on the other side once I get out of. here. Cuz because it was non-negotiable. I was staying the year. So, I never gave. my mind the the chance to go, well, you. could go home. Uh-uh. That was never on. my my proverbial mental table as a. choice. So I start to get identity off. the strength of making that choice. The. rest of the year became much easier. At. least some of the troubles I was having, I was laughing at. I wasn't going to the. bathtub at 5:30 doing what I was doing. many years near many times a week, if at.

all. All of a sudden, I'm kind of. starting to live a little life and. dancing with it going, "Yeah, man. It's. just not easy." But this is how it is. We got it. got I'm writing. writing first poems in there that I. wrote. >> And then life brings you back to Texas. to study law. >> Yeah. >> Which um. doesn't end up working out for you. because in your sophomore year you start. questioning yourself. I think based on. this little book. >> Yep. That book right there is a gift.

>> So you're studying law and you start. questioning yourself because of. something you read in this book. So, this book between my was the end of. my sophomore year. I'm headed towards. law school going to take my finals. I was a study bug. I made A's across the. board. And all of a sudden, for the first time. in my life, I go, "Dude, you got this. You don't need to study this anymore.". And I shut my books. Had never done that. before. And now I got two hours before.

my first exam. I look over and there's a. stack of magazines over here. Sports. Illustrated, Playboys, Penthouse. I'm. like, I don't like sports. I like women, too. Let's check these out. I get them. I flip through. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. After about the seventh. magazine deep, I look down. and this. book is laying there. And this is what's. facing me in this. It was in the middle. of the stack of the magazines. And I. look at I go, "The greatest salesman in. the world." And I said loud. I go,

"Who's that?". I pick it up. And I start reading first chapters about. forming good habits and becoming their. slave. And I remember thinking, well, if. you're going to go against yourself and. go to law school, you're just going to. say, "Yeah, I think I'll do it." That's. not that's not a good habit, man. Hey, that's not a good habit for you. You. might be missing out on something. You. better create a new habit of just doing. what you think you were expected to do. That was the thinking in my mind. And I. said, "All right, well, I'm going to.

I want to go to film school. I don't want to go to law school. I want. to go to film school. >> simply because the book mentioned that. having the habit of doing something just. because you think you should or can is. >> I even that part I I verbalized that. doesn't even say that directly just. saying I will form good habits and. become their slave and I was like if I. go to law school that's making me a. slave to a bad habit. >> and the bad habit being. >> bad habit being.

you be good at it it's kind of what. you're supposed to do. It's all you've. ever kind of thought you were doing. It's what everyone expects you to do in. the family. But remember, I'm stay. keeping me up at night. Ah, long 20s. I. don't know. I've also got this other. thing. I've got a friend telling me your. short stories are good, man. You can. tell a good story. We film making. You. could tell that sounds fun. Then I go, my dad's paying for school. I got to get permission from him first. So I go, okay, what's a good time to.

call him? I remember I planned it out. I. said it was Monday and I said, "I'll. call him now." I said, "No, no, no. He's. at work. Don't call him now at work. He's he doesn't won't be able to. compartmentalize. This is going to come. out of left field for him. He's in the. middle of pipe sales, right?" I said, "I'll call him tonight." And said, "No, no, no. Monday back from work. It's a. stressful day. Tuesday night, 7:30, second day of the. week, he's into the work week. He'll. have eaten dinner. He's on the couch. having a beer with mom.". Called him at 7:36 p.m. I remember the.

number. Hey Pop. Hey, what's up monkey man? Listen, can I talk about something? Sure. I said, ' Dad, I don't want to go to law school. anymore. I want to go to film school. And I'm like, little beat of sweat. starts to go down the back of my neck. I'm like, here it comes. You want to. what? I thought he was going to go into. all this stuff about my ass. You think. I'm with that? You know, that can be a. hobby, but know that's not a drill job. I thought all this was coming. And after.

about a 5-second pause, he goes, I hear. this. Are you sure that's what you want. to do? Yes, sir. Another long pause. Then I hear, "Well, don't halfass it.". And I remember just beaming, hopping up. just like, "Yes, launchpad, man." And my dad not. only said okay in the way he said don't.

half ass. It was also okay. Let's go big. boy. Own that [ __ ] Get some leverage. Get some horsepower behind where you're. going. Go do it. And I remember to this. day and I've learned this later I think. from becoming a father. Part of what I. believe happened to him and why he said. that to me that way on that call. was the way that I asked him how I just. I wasn't really asking was I don't want. to go to law school dad I want to go to.

film school. I didn't stutter. He heard. his son saying this is what I want to. do. And what I think happened to him in. that moment is what I think any father, any parent loves is you you raise your. kids in a certain way. And you give them. a guideline, a ladder to climb, and. here's the guidelines, and if you do it. this way, you're most likely going to. have some success in life, and it'll. work out for you. And then when we do it. that way, we can be proud parents. But. what do we really want to happen when. our parents when our kids are out of the. house and they're on their own? We kind.

of want him to call one day and go, "I'm. breaking out. I'm going my own way. I'm. going my own way." And as a parent, we. go, as much as it may scare us, we're. going, "Yes.". I gave my kid the confidence and the. courage and the foundation to say. they're going to go their own way. And. in a way, I think every parent honors. and loves that moment. And I heard my. dad when he didn't hear me stutter, when. he heard me directly say what I said. than that. I wasn't really asking him.

even though uh I was out of respect. asking him the way I said it. I wasn't. asking him and I think he felt that. And. don't halfass it. >> Don't halfass it. As a philosophy for. life, how important has that proven to. be since then? Because you've remembered. it and I've heard you. >> reference it as being important. Look, I've it be it's become quite and again. not it's become more than intellectually. important or more than something I don't. you know I don't need to put it on my. fridge to remind me. Um it has become.

important in relationships. It has. become important in work. It has become. important in self-help. It has become. important for my own spirituality. It's. become important for me as a father, as. a husband. Relationship wise don't have asset. What's that's turned into me is another. sort of theory I have and I call it own. don't rent. Going with an owner's. mindset into relationships.

Most relationships that we make, hire an. assistant or girlfriend, boyfriend, most. of them don't last the whole life. But I believe that if you go into those. with the idea that I want it to be a. lifer, if this works out, hopefully this. is forever. Usually they don't end up. being that. But the owner's mentality. will give you that per you and that. person the dignity and the power to go. they we can be everything we can be in. this relationship. And if it doesn't. work out, we say it didn't work out. But.

if I'm going with the renters's. mentality, I'll flip it. Yeah, I'll do. this for a few weeks. Yeah. All right. this. I don't know if this kid's going. to make it. Maybe maybe a couple months. You're not going to get the most out of. that person. >> Well, it was like you in Australia, you. went in committed to owning that full. experience and not leaving. And there's. something really people tell me all the. time, especially married people, cuz I. ask them, I say, "What's why do people. get married? Why don't you just, you. know, >> why do you need the contract?" And they. talked to me about how going in with. comm commitment itself.

changes how you deal with the. inevitability of the messiness. The. messiness that you saw in your parents'. relationships and the and and challenge. itself like challenge as you saw in. Australia but also in your parents'. marriage is like inbuilt into all things. meaningful. And if you go with that. renter mentality the first red light. you're out you know what you do. something happen you're like oh this is. a sign of things to come. >> Oh this is only going to get wor. No, when you get married, you're like, "We're owning this." Oh, my alarms, the. spider sense, my alarms didn't start.

going off because we're going to work. through this. And if it does become a. habit, we'll work through it. Or it's a. one-off and I just got to put up with it. because they like to do what they're. doing more than I don't like them doing. that, which is another good measurement. You know, >> I guess it begs the question about the. the role or the benefit of having plan B. is because we're increasingly told to. have plan B in a relationship or plan C, D, and E. And and in work, a plan C, D, and E. And. >> options, >> Yeah. >> can make us a tyrant. Too many options.

can make a tyrant of any of us, man. >> You know what I mean? So can. conveniences, you know what I mean? >> Yeah. And you when you don't give. yourself that option and mind you. there's plenty of divorces out there. that were necessary and were good for. both of them. problem. But I think there's more. divorces. because. someone had a little gave themsel the. out had the renters mentality.

First son of smoke I'm going to say. there's fire be easier to get out of. here. Path lease resistance. Sorry. I. think too many people quit. I think. that's that that's more of a problem. than the divorces that are ones that. turned out to be good. So many people are at that stage in. their life where they're they might have. that bad habit that you described. They. might know that they're in a situation. which isn't for them. Maybe their. parents gave them this idea. Society. pushed them into that position. And uh I.

think it's the uncertainty that keeps. them trapped. like the certain misery is. often much more appealing than the. uncertainty. >> Yay. >> And I I just want you you managed to to. make that change which is quite rare. >> Well, what that reminds me of is I. started to become a little cynical which. is different than being skeptical. I. believe it we go from innocence when. we're born to naive to skepticism where. we're discerning and discriminate on.

choices. We have judgment. And then the next one is off the cliff. what I think is cynicism. The misery of cynicism is a hell of a. lot easier. than the optimism and belief of. skepticism. Hell of a lot easier. It's a ah easy. Bam. Put it down. Oh, that's hard. Bam. I'm out. The individuality. Bam. No, man. If it's hard, if I sweat, don't do it. Uh-uh. Bam. Easier to put. him down. Hey, everyone just laughed at.

my joke. See, it was easy. I was a life. of the party. I think less respected once you leave. that situation, but you you you now. you're living in in in doubt and you're. let you're also doubting yourself that I. don't want to work that hard. I don't. want to see if I can make that work. anymore. I don't want to give that. person the benefit of the doubt because. it can be a lot of work and they're. going to [ __ ] screw up and I'm going. to go told you so. Nah. So, let's not. even try it. Or if I do try it, let's. just rent.

Let's do more than just sign that. prenup. You know what I mean? Uh there there's. there's parachute we give oursel the. options in the parachutes in too many. places. We pull it early when we could. still be flying even though maybe rocky. flight. Pull that some [ __ ] Okay. It. was a safe move. Got down to the ground. What I was building didn't last. Sometimes maybe it shouldn't. I think.

most of the time it could if you'd have. hung in there, both of you. >> Before we started recording, we were. having a little bit of a chat about a. thought that's been on my mind recently. about um how independence and I guess an. abundance of choice kind of links to. that might be leading people astray. because the most it appears to me the. most fulfilled people that I know. generally have a lot of dependence. The. culture we live in tells us to like be. our own boss, stand on your own two. feet, more people are lonely than ever, less friends than ever, less likely to. have kids, less likely to get married.

And it feels like independence. Uh, and. those people often I I think are. struggling. I think of so many of my friends, one in. particular that I've mentioned a few. times, who. >> 38 years old, living the life of. independence, like a picture of. independence. >> Skyrise apartment, single, no kids, freelancer, so not going to a team, working from his home. And then, you. know, one of my best friends, 6 months. later, I see him in person, and he's. flown to America, been baptized, and.

tells me that for 3 or 4 months, he just. couldn't get out of bed. There was no. meaning in his life. And so now he's a. >> interesting, >> you know, strongly Christian man. And. we're seeing this, especially with young. men in particular, we're seeing more and. more of them turn to religion. >> Um, and I'm wondering what's going on. there. >> Yeah. Let's stay on young men for a while. And. this does not exclude young women, but. for the sake of this conversation, I'm. going to block it over here and say. young men.

We want and need. to be relied on. We want and need to be depended on. and a sheer independent individual. lifestyle with nothing that you're. responsible for outside of what you only. need. Nothing. No other gardens you have. to tend to career relationally. No other. collective communal. Oh, thank you. I needed that.

Who who relies on us? How much do we need to rely on others? There's another question and I don't. know that answer. It'd be fun to discuss. it. How much do we need to be how much. do we need to depend on others? I I one. of my self-reliance is at the top of my. value system and I don't think it is. contradictory to faith. I actually think.

that free will and faith again are here. As a believer, I believe that it's all. been written. And at the same time, I. believe God's going, I need your hands. on the wheel, man. Hey, you're steering this, okay? Don't. just rely on fate. Too many people doing. that, man. I've had my agnostic years. where I was not believer at all fully in. self-reliance. It's on me, everything.

And. I think it was such a valuable few years. because I did need to call myself on. some [ __ ] I did need to say the buck. stops here with you McConn. I did need. to become a quit becoming such a repeat. offender. You know, I was sinning which means to. miss the mark. Miss have bad aim. literally where it comes from an archery. term. To sin means to miss the mark. When you think about it like that. becomes more practical, especially for.

us agnostics and stuff. I was missing. the mark and it was time for me. I. didn't want to keep forgiving myself on. Sunday and then repeat and do the same. [ __ ] again Monday, Tuesday, Friday and. then go, "Oh, now I can be forgiven." I. was like, "No, man. Forgive me, father. I know what I'm doing and I'm keep doing. it. Cut the [ __ ] MCA. Quit giving yourself that out. that. parachute even though you may have it. Even though word says grace of God will.

forgive you. Yeah, you need to I needed to strongarm. myself, put my damn hands on the wheel, look in the mirror and go, it's on you. Cuz it is. At the same time, when I came. out of that, I was like, "Oh, those two. aren't mutually exclusive." The. self-reliance and belief, I heard God. applauding going, "Thank you. I need. more more like you that go, yes, I'm. responsible. The choices I make today. have to do with where I'll be tomorrow. Yes, they have consequences. My choices.

matter. Thank you. That's what I heard. But it wasn't exclusive of having faith. and belief again. >> What caused that period of your life in. your late 20s where you you started to. drift? Because at that time you'd had. your first success. >> Yeah. >> As an actor. Um, >> I think I was living I was g I gave. myself the luxury of living that fully. independent top of the penthouse. I got money. I decided to go check in at.

the Chateau Marmo. I laid down $120,000. tab and said, "Let me know when that's. out.". Me and my dog. couple years bought a pair of leather. pants and a motorcycle. I told myself. for the next two years, if you ever. think you've had too many, order another. one. Next two years, you ever go, "Oh, maybe. I should have a single, order double.". I exercised it in as healthy way as I.

could, but I was sheerely independent. And I did not I was swimming. I was. transient. It was fun. But when every. day is a Saturday and every night's a. Saturday night, started looking for a. little. I need to break a sweat here. I need. where's the resistance? Where's my I. need my Monday morning. literally and I need it here and I need. it faith faith-wise. >> Did the loss of your father around um in.

your 20s have a big impact on this sort. of unanchoring? >> No. The loss of the father. dropped the anchor deeper and got more. secure. That was 92. That was 5 days into. shooting my first film, Days Confused. The loss of him. one, which was I didn't think he could. die. Obviously, he could and he did. And it was uh took my mother to kill him. as you know from the story. They made.

love on a Monday morning. He had a heart. attack. >> That's not a bad way to go. I mean, >> he called it. He called it. He told me. my brothers, "Boys, when I'm going to. go, when I go, I'm going be making love. to your mother." And damn it if he. didn't do it. But him passing away. after the shock in the morning. really woke me up. to go, "Oh, you don't have that.". Talking about parachutes again. You. don't have that one.

being in your life that has your back. That in my mind was above government, above religion, everything. Oh, if I'm. really in a pinch, dad's got my back. You don't have that anymore, Matthew. So, all the things he taught you that. you kind of been acting like, it's time. to become those and put your ass on the. line. Me. I remember that's around the. time I carved into a tree. In the middle. of the night, I woke up and these words. were just stuck. And I went and I was.

like, I be less impressed and more. involved. And my father passing on, the world got. flat. Things that I revered. Wow. Mortal. things that I revered, people, places, all of a sudden my eye got level. Things. that I was patronizing and condescending. and looking down my nose at rose up to. eye level and I was like, "Time to. become a man. Walk forward. Peripheral vision. Get it.

Own yourself. Walk forward with more. courage and start becoming the man you. want to be instead of acting like it and. putting it off. >> Be less impressed and more involved. >> More involved. Yeah. >> What What did you mean by that and where. did that come from? >> It came from we grew up hardcore on. gratitude. I'm I'm a very thankful guy. and and being thankful and having. gratitude is very important. But you. can't stop there because too much just. oh I'm so happy to be here. You're so.

impressed to be here. Thank you for. having me, which we should have. But if. you live only there, I can't even we. can't be present and be involved in. whatever we're doing and do it as well. as we want to do it. You got to go. No, thank you for letting me be here and I'm. supposed to be here. Now let's go. If. I'm even talking to you, if I'm here. going, "Man, I'm so happy to be here.". If I'm just happy to be here. and go no further than that, I can't. have we can't have this conversation. I'm I'm not I'm not I won't be there. yet. I can't be grounded enough to have.

have it right here. I'd be like, I'd. anticipate my thoughts. I', you know, say something that may is only the. pretty stuff and not the ugly stuff or. oh, don't want to be mean. So, to be. involved allowed me to be more honest. and have more courage. When we're. involved, we're more honest and have. more courage to do what we're fashioned. to do how we're fashioned to do it. But. if we're only impressed, you know, and I've had these moments. when I met the Cohen brothers, they're. my favorite directors. I revered them. Had dinner with them. I.

blew it and I fumbled over my wife. Oh, damn it. Get back because I was nervous. I was so happy to be there. I was so. impressed to be sitting down with the. Cohen brothers and not involved enough. to sit there and have a conversation and. I look back that night and I go that's. why they never cast me in anything. I. blew it that night and I've since seen. him and I was like that night we met I. want to do over going brothers if you're. out there I want to do. >> this is really transferable advice to. both me as a podcaster because I get to. meet so many of the people that I've. admired for so long especially being a.

kid from the UK but also generally for. people just going to to job interviews. and trying out for things that you. really can inadvertently like lower your. perceived value just by being impressed. and not involved. >> Probably won't get hired that way. either. >> Yeah. >> What's what's the hiring person want to. see? someone who's respectful, but if you. hold them re in reverence, they're like, you know, there's so many ways to say. it. >> I don't need my ass kissed, man. I want. to hear I want to meet you. I want I.

don't agree with me on everything. You. know, I want to hear you. Ah ah buck. back. And they had a reason behind it. They weren't, you know, being negative. for or cynical or they weren't just. trying to be contrarian for contrary. reason. They actually had thought about. that and it was challenging. Huh. Think. that in relationships, girls, guys, what. do we like? Not the one that's like, "Yeah, whatever you want to do." Want. someone goes like, "Oh, how about this? I got this other idea." Oh. Oh, interesting. He just reminded me of.

a guy interviewed the other day called. Jonah. And Jonah, at the very end of the. call, young guy turned around to me and. said, "You know, by the way, I think you. should completely change this particular. company he was going to be joining of. mine. Completely changed the branding. I. don't think it's good enough." And I. paused and I said to him, I'll never. forget what I said. I said, I want to. say two things to you, Jonah. First, I. jokingly went, how dare you? And. secondly, that is the best thing you. have said in the last hour. Because for. me, he he did exactly what you did. He. wasn't impressed. He was involved. And.

he challenged he told me to that. basically our entire brand for this. particular company needed to be changed. and redone. So like, how dare you? And. that is the best thing you have said. >> cuz it did exactly what you said. It. made me think, oh, okay, interesting. This is who he is and he's of value. >> Yay. Because people that are impressed. are much less value than those that are. able to, you know, >> picture here. I mean, this picture said. a lot to me. Maybe it's just the the way. that you're all gathered around. >> Oh, yeah. >> And this picture. So, that's my oldest. brother, Rooster on the right. That's.

Pat Rooster's 10-year-old birthday. present, adopted. Went to go meet his. parents one time when he was 17. Check. his dad's hairline. Um, that's me. reverentially looking down on my father. who's holding court at the bar in the. house, Quail Valley, Houston, Texas. Looks like he just got off the golf. course. Uh I have a t-shirt on. They. have golf shirts on. Looks like I didn't.

play with them at that time, but there. were stories probably going on right. there about something that they had just. experienced. And I'm probably a little. I'm trying to, you know, I'm I'm. probably this conversation is probably. more between those two. And I'm going. like, "Oh, I wish I was there in the. stories." Which only happened for me. once I turned 18. I had some stories. before then, but that's what that look. at the reverence with which I'm. >> looking on. to my dad and he was old he was holding. court. He was a ham man. Him and him and.

Rooster were were best friends. Um Pat. worked for him. I've got to have a. couple years with him before I went to. uh um. Australia, a year with him. I know I had I remember. I had more than a full had a full summer. with him, which later on I found out. was their second divorce. I didn't know. it was I thought mom was on an extended. vacation in Florida.

So, he and I had a summer where we got. to hang out. And I got a story in green. lights about a night when I jumped the. bouncer. A big right of passage to me. >> Do you miss him? >> Yeah, I miss him. creatively the most because he he I. found out later and I didn't know he was. doing this. Like I found out later in. life, years after he passed away, we. found all these old paintings in the.

garage and we found this pottery that he. made and he loved he had collected art. and he loved charcoal paintings in. pencil black and white. I had no idea. he practiced art or or liked it. And so. when I'm reading a script or I'm. interested in doing a film, I still. think ah I would love to sh I would love. to have sent this to dad and go, "What. do you think?" and talked about, "Hey, you know anybody like this? What do you. think of this character? What do you. think of the scenario? Hey, you know any. men like this?" Cuz I base a lot of my.

characters off of people that I met. through him. I a whole lot There's been. many characters that are based on parts. of my brother Pat who was my hero. growing up. And there's a lot of. characters I've met through my older. brother Rooster, but all those came. through dad. And I would love I miss having those. I. wish I could have those conversations. with him. I He would have loved the. other night we're at Toronto Film. Festival Premier and Lost Bus. My mom. was in it. She's 93. My little my son's. in it.

That could have been. He would have come to Santa Fe with mom, you know. He didn't. Mom wanted Mom. wants to be on the stage. Mom, every. performance I've ever done, she's like, "You did great, Matthew. I see where you. get it from." Right. Dad didn't want to. be on the stage. He could take the. stage, but he would have he would have. seen from the beginning me doing my. thing from the front row and been like, "There you go, buddy.". So I miss him as a creative partner and.

in sharing the declarations when you. have a red carpet and and hearing what's. your opinion on that. Hey watching. movies with me we never watched movies. I miss that. um. in his hands, man. He had these healing. hands and we would have been buddies by. now, right? I would have.

philosophically wherever we had our. differences, he would have enjoyed the. debates instead of looking at me at 16. going, "Who the hell do you think you. are. talking. bucking like that?" Which is what led. him to go, "You're a great debater. I. want to be the family lawyer." But we'd. have been buddies because at 18 was the. freedom right of passage. That's when he. goes, "You ain't learned it by now, you. ain't gonna learn it." So we would have. I wouldn't have had to hear. This is a. time when I'm still hearing about the. experiences of yesterday and last night,

yearning to one day be able to be there. and be part of the stories. And we did. get a year together where we got to be. part of the same stories, which meant so. much to me. But I would have had years. of that. Do you think he would have been. surprised by the life you've lived. subsequently? >> No. My family's got a got an odd thing. They aren't surprised by [ __ ] man.

Especially any of my success. I mean, my brothers hadn't even. seen all my movies. If I invited them to the premiere in. Toronto the other night, they'd have. found every excuse they could not to go. and wouldn't have come. They don't disrespect or love me any. less for it's just like, man, we know. you little brother. >> There's something beautiful in that.

>> Do you remember these? >> Yes. >> You wrote this roughly around the same. time in '92. Roughly actually when I was. born, funnily enough, I saw the date on. the top and thought, "Oh, that's a few. days off after my birthday.". >> Ah. And again, you put fatherhood number. one, but there's a a series of other. things on this list of your 10 goals in. life. Yeah. Which you wrote in 1992. >> As you reflect on those goals, do you. wish you hadn't written any of them? And. is there anything else you wish you had. written? >> No. That that that I wouldn't change a. thing about it. >> 10 goals in life. Become a father. Find.

and keep a woman for me. Keep my. relationship with God. Chase my best. self. Be an egotistical utilitarian. >> Take more risks. Stay close to mom and. family. Win an Oscar for best actor. Look back and enjoy the view. Just keep. living. >> I don't know what I'd add to that. >> One of the things that you talk you've. talked a few times about is this idea of. like you needing resistance. >> Yeah. >> You've said it two or three times and. going back to what it is to be a man and. what it is to be a well orientated,

stable man. >> Needing resistance. Is that a goal to aim for? is that. >> I think it's just a necessary necessity. for. having more than just an individual. life. the top of the high-rise with money if. that's if you're successful to do that. I mean I'm supposing that in whether.

it's different words your friend went to. Christianity for this for a very similar. reason. >> Yeah. It's like certain amount of guilt. is very healthy. It helps us keeps us. It's boundaries. >> Boundaries. >> without any shame, without any. embarrassment, without any guilt. Tell. me it's all just four-dimensional. Where's the form? Where's the Where's the art? It's It's. four-dimensional. It has no form. You. got to have gravity to have form. You. got to have some resistance to have some.

form. You got to push off of something. to go somewhere. You got to be It's very. hard when you're just floating and no. gravity and no resistance to actually. pursue a north star. You have no. leverage. >> You're floating. Where's the art? Probably more anarchy than art. So. resistance gives form. Heard a great artist say this. Limitations.

reveal style. resistance, something to go or else it's. like green lights. If life's just. nothing but green lights, if you got no. yellows and reds, no reasons to pause or. crisises that stop you, resistance, what do you just go in circles? Do you. run out of gas, get dizzy?

I don't see that. How do we evolve. or devolve. without resistance? Now, picking the. right resistance. is is an art in itself. It's. challenging. I've been clumsy with it in. my life. When especially when I got. famous and got success and enough people. telling me I love you and the caviar and. the champagne, I was like, "What the. [ __ ] Why me? I don't deserve any of. this. What? I I' I'd [ __ ] things up on.

purpose just to say like I'd trip myself. running downhill so I could bloody my. own nose and go, "Ah, now I can feel.". Okay. Okay, now my heels are on the. ground. I need It's clumsy. So, I don't think we need the kind of. resistance that we create that. can harm us or get in our way for. getting in our way sake because I've. come to learn and I think we all are. No, when things are going really well, resistance is gonna come. If you stay if. you stay with if you're if you have any.

ambition, resistance is going to come. We often see resistance as a form of. failure and something that we should. endeavor to avoid. You think about the. avoidance of like people building. families or even, you know, many people consider that. we're living in a bit of a comfort. crisis. This is slightly a different. sort of analogy but most of the diseases. that we have today whether they're. diseases of I don't know the mind like. you know people feeling lonely and. isolated or physical diseases 80% of. Americans getting back pain but no one. in the had a tribe in Africa getting.

back pain they're all a consequence of. us continually choosing comfort. >> y. >> which is a short-term friend but. long-term enemy and resistance I think. is um. is something increasingly we can choose. opt out of. >> it's a choice too I Can I hit a little. point that's on this subject? >> It's called tips included. And I wrote. this based on participation trophies. Uh. um entitlement. How too much of. something can be just as harmful is not.

enough. Uh how we all need good fortune, good fate, and charity sometimes. But we. shouldn't rely on that. Okay. Called tips included. All right. When extra credit's included, credit. doesn't get as due. When more gives us. less, the exchange rates gone a skew. When amnesty is offered going into the. crime, we're more bound to commit it. because there is no fine. We start.

playing to tie instead of going for the. win. When participation is the trophy. for every cow in the pin. If I stay on the porch because you. picked up the slack. When you look over. your shoulder, I I can't have your back. If there is no curfew, we're going to. stay out all night. No tab at our bar. We're going to get drunk and start a. fight. All these long lenses got us. losing our sight. You keep lifting it. for me, I'm going to lose all my might. When a four-star duty suits a six-star.

rate, we take our hands off the wheel. and rely on fate. Eating all we can at. the all we can eat buffet gives us a 3.8. education and a 4.2 GPA. We steal from ourselves and get away. with the scam. What's the measure of. merit with less give a damn? Hm. These. unlimited options sure have me confused. While all the conveniences are keeping.

me properly lubed. in this red light district with the. [ __ ] of inflation, the ROI's math don't. pay for vacation. So, let's just admit. it. This extra credit is quite a fluffer. because when the tips included, the. service will suffer. >> That's so good. But it's about that the conveniences, the long lenses, everything's like, "Oh, and and we we've outconvenienced. oursel." What's AI going to do to us?

Talk about convenience. How much, and I. want to keep hearing studies. I wonder. if you have an opinion on this. How much. of you coming up with an idea and then. writing and rewriting it, thinking about. it, no, no, no, no. That's not ex Oh, no. This is what I really mean and how. to get. How much of that is really. valuable to get it beyond just an. intellectual idea? More valuable than. just going, "Ah, there it is." Cuz what comes out of.

it? Incredibly impressive. My hunch is that yeah, we can use it for. like uh signpost to help us. Oh, that's. good or that help. Thank you for helping. me organize. But there's a value to us. going through the sweat equity of. learning something. How you how do you feel about it? >> I mean ex exactly what you've said but. the the studies have just that have just. come out using different things like. chatbt have actually proven what you've. just said to be true that when people. use AI to produce a piece of work not.

only can't they recall what they've made. but they also start speaking in language. more like the AI. So they start to lose. their own voice. But I mean yeah I mean. for through history people like Richard. Fryman the physicist has said the best. way to learn something is to learn it. and then to go through the pain of. writing it condensing it down to a. simple truth like you do so often in. your new book poems and prayers and then. sharing it with the world. >> and then getting the feedback and if if. the world understood it like you meant.

it like that poem you just shared you. you you understand it that's evidence. that you get it. >> right. So I think AI is going to be. great for me saying something to you but. not learning something myself. And I. think if you know if you want to defend. creativity and innovation and the. ability to think, you actually have a. huge opportunity which is to go left. when everyone's going right. >> Right. >> And it goes to what you were saying. there. You were talking about be careful. when you mess mess with incentives. Like. be careful when you choose the easier. road. Be careful of the unintended.

consequences. And AI is a prime example. of an unintended consequence of you. taking the easier road today. >> Yeah. >> And you know, I just actually made a. video about this, funnily enough, just. just warning my audience about. >> when something appears to be like a. short-term friend, it's usually a. long-term enemy. >> Like when you know, when you choose easy. today, you choose hard tomorrow. And. >> there's always a trade-off, >> right? Do you think if you choose hard today,

you usually get easy tomorrow? >> I mean, there's a there's obviously a. ton of nuance to this, but um. in many contexts, yes. So, for example, my think of I was thinking of my father. My father would never have he would. avoid conflict at all costs. He would. avoid the difficult conversation. And when I zoom out over the the decades. of his life and marriage, I go, "Man, that cost you big time.". >> You caught up with him.

>> Oh my god. >> And me inverting that in my own life and. continually just confronting it head on. has had the complete opposite effect. You never, >> you know, like when you were talking. about being a young man and making that. decision cuz you had that voice in your. head saying, "Law might not be my thing. and you made that phone call to your. father.". >> Yeah. Like what what I hear you did is. like you realigned yourself to you. Now. if you hadn't made that call and you let. a couple more of those bad habits, you. would have got to 40 and been like, "Who.

the [ __ ] is this guy? What is this. life?" You would have looked around and. said, "Who is she? Who are they? What is. this job?". >> Right? >> And that's that course correction. >> that I think requires you to do this the. slightly harder thing today. What do you. think? >> I agree with you. That's the That's the. resistance that you're choosing. You. know, look, I still got to learn how to take a. vacation. because, you know, we there's sometimes. when the wind's at our back.

and we've earned it. >> Mhm. >> There's sometimes when it's easy street. and it's like, "Yeah, don't interrupt. this, man. This is a sweet ass song. Trust that the hill's coming again. Don't be so impressed with this and. don't what I have to do is don't fall. into when things are going really well. I go, "Ah, there it is. That's the. main.". No, it's not. Not with any ambition.

It's not. Or not with life happening. It's not. But my hunch, I want to see. what you think about this theory is. rather you shoot for an A and make a C. It's rather better than shooting for a C. and making an F. now. So go for perfection. Reality always comes in under it.

But in that moment when you see the. inevitable reality, the outcome, the. result, how quickly can we go, okay, but. I got so much more out of it, the job, the person, myself, because I went per. for perfection. than if I'd have just gone for no dude, just I mean, you know, just pass class. It's again that little that owner's. renters mentality. Mhm.

>> And but what can be hard for me. sometimes is. >> it takes can take me too long to to to. come down from when oh it didn't hit. perfection and maybe it takes me a week. to go dude now do you finally realize. that of course you weren't going to get. perfection but you got so much more out. of it because you went for perfection. >> Yeah. >> So be pleased with reality because you. got a you got a good grade on it man. That war that was that was good. that. piece of art was wouldn't have been that. true if you wouldn't have been I don't.

like I say this all the time and I never. mean this in a in a in a in a. disrespectful way. I've never done a. movie or a performance that lived up to. what I thought it could be cuz I'm. thinking it can be divine. comes out maybe majorly inspiring may. speak to masses. even have some magic to it but only it's. divine.

>> that's resist that's tension. that. >> yeah unclosed gap. And I think I think. everything that's ever been built that's. great or creatively brilliant has come. from someone who has a big a big. expectation gap. And of course the very. definition of that, you're never going. to close it. And actually the probably. the reason you then are motivated to. move to the next thing and pursue divine. again is because it wasn't divine last. time. Maybe there's still something left. on the table and that's. >> means you never arrive, >> right?

>> You talk about arrival a lot in the. poems and prayers as well. I I also was reflecting on your mother's. words where she at a very young age to. you positioned life as a dichotomy of. being humble but like know that you're. the [ __ ] and all those things you went. through and it's the same thing. It's. like strive for protect protection. perfection but also know that nothing. will ever get there and can you can you. be okay with that dissonance. >> right and that and there's a moment and.

it's I think it's where the one of the. arts of living is if you if you are. going to prescribe to go shoot for. perfection there's that moment when. reality comes in when you had to declare. and the cards speak for themselves and. it's under. but you because you oversaw It. theory I got called oversee because you. oversee and expect the best this this. divinity out of people and and art and. of yourself and then it always comes in. under. How quickly can you go ah.

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needed. And if you use this link, you'll. get a 30-day free trial. Can I ask you a question about that. then? If you had aimed for something to. be perfect and then it delivered itself. as perfect exactly how you had imagined. if if if at all possible, would that have made you happy? Would. you have been. >> I don't know. >> You're right. Um. would it have made you scared? >> Both probably because look, I've had.

moments. Let me let me let me tell you. one. uh in in in Africa. I'm in Mali, Africa, dogone country. Me and my guy who's a. buddy now, Issa. We're hiking from. village to village in the Banjiagara. Each village is 10 to 15 miles away. I. went over there needing my anonymity. under the name of David. And I said I. was a writer and a boxer. Well, they. called me Da. Anyway, I uh um they. didn't give a damn about the writing.

part, but they were very interested in. the wrestling part. So each village I. would go to start to catch up to me. Strong white men named Dota. You want. to? And they love to wrestle over there. They love to wrestle. It's kind of a. form of entertainment. The boys just. walk up and start wrestling. I get to. this one uh village one night. Benji. Matu. and uh I'm laying there. It's 14 mile. hike to get there. I'm laying on the. ground stretch and the village is all. kind of come up around and they're. talking and chattering. And all of a. sudden I hear this chatter and that's. sort of at me. I can just hear it. And I. look up and it's these two boys. They're.

about 18 and they're boom boom boom. popping at me and I can be like and I. know enough in the tone I don't know. what they're saying because they're. speaking in bombat. I'm like are they. talking to me? And he goes yes. He goes. they uh uh. they are the wrestlers of the village. They say they are the best wrestlers in. the village and they are challenging you. to wrestling match. I was like oh they. are. I was like. well they sure are talking a lot. I go I. don't know if they mean it. Do y do.

y'all have this thing over here? We have. a thing in America where if someone. talks too much, they really don't. Man, he goes, "Yes, we have this. We have. this." And just as that happens, you. hear the crowd scream. And I look up and. the two boys bam run off. Why? Because the real champion wrestler of. the village, Michelle, 5' n, tree trunk legs, about 220, burlap. bag wrapped with a rope around his. waist. He showed up. He doesn't say a. word. He just stands over me, points to.

me, points to himself, and points over. here. I look over where he's pointing, and there's a big dirt pit. My heart starts racing. There's the. challenge. As my heart's beating going, "Oh no." I start to get up because as. this ear saying, "Oh no," I'm hearing in. this ear, "If you don't, you will regret. this for the rest of your life. You've. got to go do it. This will at least be a. great story to tell.". So, I get up. Village goes crazy. About.

80 people have gathered now. The chief. comes out. I'm standing in the middle of. the pit going, "I'm not sure how this is. supposed to go. What are the rules?". Chief puts his hands on our heads. Michelle grabs me by the waist, mimics. to me. I grab him by the waist. Then he. burrows his forehead down into my. clavicle here, and I burrow mine into. his. So, now we're like two bulls like. this. And the chief puts his hands on. our head and then raises him and goes, "Tot." And the crowd goes wild. Ding ding is what? stop men. So, we. start going around, man. And I'm.

thinking, okay, I got I get some. leverage on this guy. Legs are like tree. trunks. I'm like, "Oh, I ain't getting. him down low." So, we're scrappling, grab him. Boom. I get him over. Bam. Flip him on his back. He flips me back. over. I backflip him off my back at. some. He comes in, gets me in a freaking. leg lock that I can barely breathe. I'm. almost got to tap out from. I shimmy out. of that thing. All of a sudden, Chief. comes in, separates us. I'm hyperventilating, man. Crowd's going. crazy. He's got a split. Michelle on. this side, me on this side. I had these.

talismans that were in my beard. They. got two of them got torn out during the. wrestle match. I got blood running down. me here. My knees are bleeding. My. ankles are bleeding. I'm. hyperventilating and covered in sweat. I look over at Michelle who's just. staring at me going. barely a glisten on him. And that's when. the chief goes and I go, "Oh [ __ ] here. we go." Boom, boom, boom. Grabs my. waist. Bop bop. Burls his head. I burl. my head. We're off. Goes around again.

Pretty damn good match. Strong. I. flipped him. Me, pin me. I We got up, got moving. All of a sudden, Chief comes. in, separates us. Raises both our hands. The crowd goes crazy. As soon as he. loses our hands, Michelle runs off. Everyone sees him go. And they come in. and grab me and put Finny on their. shoulders. Da da d d d d d d d d d d d d. d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d. d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d. d d d d d d d d d. I go over now I'm a big man in the. village which means they give me the. best chair that has the least broken.

sort of you know uh uh um straw on the. seat which means the village boy finds. me the biggest chicken and plucks it and. they cook it for dinner for me which. means they take me to the cleanest spot. in the river and I come back that night. we eat I get on the roof of the hut what. a magical day. I lay back. I see the Southern Cross for the first. time in the sky. Like it was in neon. lights on a black backdrop. It was you. couldn't not see it. It was so bright.

Stare me right in the face. I laid there. 30 minutes saw 29 shooting stars. I'm going, I might have a direct line. I might be the chosen one. Wow. Just as I'm about to shut my eyes, I got. a little in my throat. So, I sit up, go to spit out over the off into the off.

the top of the roof. Lugie plastered to my face. I forgot I. had put my mosquito net on. And I was like, "Oh, perfect." Just when. I was thinking, "I might have the direct. line." I just spit a lugie in my own. face. And there became the humor. Now, to finish off that story, the next. morning when I left the village,

remember Michelle, who ran away. >> Mhm. >> I got to the edge of the village about. to make the 14-mi walk to the next. village. And there, behind the first. tree, passed off the property, popped. out Michelle. Not a word. looked at me, bowed, grabbed. my hand. He walked me the 14 miles to. the next village, got to the village. border, the next tribe, and walked home. I went back unannounced six years later, did the same trip, ran into the same.

people, the kids had grown six years. old, everybody. We get to Benji Matu. There's Michelle. He's had five kids and. he broke his hip, so he's got a limp, right? So, we all agree not another wrestling. match. We have a great dinner that night. We. talk. We tell stories. They're speaking. bombat. I'm speaking English, but we're. just understanding each other's sort of. charades now. Get up the next morning. We go to leave.

Find that same tree. Out pops Michelle, bows, reaches out his hand, holds my. hand, and 14 miles. to the next village. Stop house. Turn around. I asked Isa back then the first time in. 99 after that night when I wrestled.

Michelle and he walked me the first time. and I got there. I was like, "What? Tell. me about what happened last night. I do. all right." He goes, "Oh, no, no, no. You do very well." He said, When you accept the challenge, that is. when you were big men in this tribe. It. was not about the win or the lose. You accept the challenge and then you. wrestle Michelle who's not only champion. of this village but of this village and. tree village back and you handle.

Michelle. Handled was the word. No one. wants handled. He goes, "You come back, we make money.". Yeah. That's what he told me. Then I. went back six years later and had that. experience. And that experience. with Michelle, the respect we had for. each other. He walked me broken hip and. all the 14 miles to the next village.

>> You accept the challenge. >> You accept the challenge. That is when. you were a big man in this village cuz I. was like they put me on the shoulders. man. What was it? He was like oh you. were a big man when you accept the. challenge. He said he said whole village. think Michelle going to have strong. white men named Da on back in 10 seconds. over. But you handle Michelle not win or lose. handled. But you were big man when you accepted. challenge.

Beautiful. And then he's there six years later and. walks me the same way. I mean, I think. your question was on, you know, when we. when we know or how confident when we're. feeling like we're on the right path, which that was a time when I thought I. was so much I was I think I might be the. you know, Lugie in my face for that to. me was God going, you're doing good, but. not that good, bud.

There's so many young men that are. struggling. When I looked at this the. stats around suicidal ideation and. suicidality, the the biggest killer of. men under I think the age of 45 is. themselves. And it's funny you said. earlier on about um to to be a young. man, you have to feel like someone. depends on you. And it reminded me of. someone on the show that told me when. they analyzed suicide letters, the the. prevailing sentiment across all of these. suicide letters, I think it was an. Australian study, was feeling like.

people didn't need you or even worse, they were better off without you. in in suicide letters from. >> Japanese almost. >> and it goes it was when so when you said. earlier that this you know we need. someone to depend upon us. It made me. think about that. And then you talked. about challenge. We need a resistance. and challenge to to aim for. >> and life is removing that that. challenge. It's it's removing the uh. >> Yeah. What are the new challenges. >> being on the internet, Tik Tok, social.

like social social media. So if those. challenges though for now and I'm just. paraphrase this if those challenges may. not be the ones that and we hopefully we. find ways that they can actually pay us. back in a qualitative way. Don't we need a challenge that's a. that's immortal. like. belief in God or belief in our better. self and how we are as a human and our. own character and our own dignity and. our relationships. in tomorrow in our past and our kids.

that are not measured and paid for with. a local mortal currency. but are a pursuit that. keep us having qualitative and valuable. experiences that mean something to us. and give our life meaning while we're. doing whatever it else we're doing in. life that may not be giving us the. meaning or making us feel. >> I want to ask you something because as I. started to read poems and prayers you. sort of confront a lot of my previous.

rebuttals to faith which I imagine a lot. of young people have which is around. like the science of it like what what. about the science what about proof and. evidence and you confront this head on. >> and how do you think about that because. you're you're someone that understands. the science and the studies and all. those kinds of things. But. >> I think one I think science is the. practical pursuit of God and like we're. talking about perfection. It ain't never. going to get there. But bravo for it. Believe God loves a scientist. I believe. he does. Going thank you again like. hands on the wheel. Thank you for being.

agnostic and going you can only believe. in your science. Thank you. You're. turning your way towards me. Not going. to get here but thank you for that. pursuit, that independence. To bring up. the word again. It's. I don't know. That's the point. I can't. got conclude. Those are nouns. Believe is a verb. Faith is a verb. in God or any of those other things that. we were talking about. Our better.

selves, each other. Those are. a scientist doesn't necessarily doubt. A. scientist just says I can't believe in. something that until it's proven. And if. it's unproven, my craft says I cannot. believe. I believe that's what a. scientist looks at it. So I cannot. believe in. or maybe is I must doubt that which. cannot be proven. I understand that. that does not again contradict a. scientist or if that's your vocation. If.

that is your philosophy and your life. creed of how you behave and believe that. does not contradict. belief. in God even though you can't conclude. that God exists. I know plenty of scientists that are. also believers. I don't know. You know, it's it's it's I got a point.

here and this is this is not a lowest. common denominator but also just a. another practical way. of. thinking about it. If you're like, man, I don't I'm not I'm not I'm not for it. Let's just go practical for a second. Heaven or not. All right, tomorrow is. not today's measurement when the misery. is bad enough to the suffering. Consideration is a privilege. And that's part of what faith and.

religion are for. To help those in. misery hang on to a hope that will most. likely not be served them in this life. to sell them belief and faith that they. will be served in the next. And what if there's nothing there, man? What if there's nothing to hope for? No. next. I don't know. Either way, in misery here or without a.

heaven there, not having any hope or. faith in anything is a certain way to. remain where you are forever. But if you can find something that can. keep you going, something no matter how. small to look forward to and continually. have faith in and chase, well then your life here will be better. than it is now, heaven or not.

It's not an argument for faith. It's it. is saying though what I think is true, what I believe is true is that to. pursue. that divinity even if you don't believe. in the author. it's not anonymous. but if you say no when you say that's. that's God I don't believe in that. author fine okay. find principles and ways of living and.

approaching life yourself others. your neighbor and self. There's call. them ethics, whatever, morals, whatever. you want to call them, paradigms and. sort of law markers out there that's. going to helps in this life. Now, >> you know, >> get you out of the rut. >> That's what this the science and the. studies show that people that are do. have a faith are happier, healthier, and. people can argue as to why that is.

name. >> Hey, that's what I'm I try to be clear. in this that I'm not I'm not trying to. convert people to go, "No, you should. believe in God." There's plenty of left. to go. I get it with religion that. excludes a certain amount of people that. I cannot go there. I cannot go with I I. cannot purchase the belief that some. people of faith have, which is, well, if. you don't believe Jesus is the only son. of God and that's it, then you're going. to hell. I got too many friends, a lot. of them over there in Mali and around. the whole world. I'm like going, I can't. go as far to believe that they're all. going to hell. Uh-uh. If there even is.

one. But it's when religion has become. exclusionary along the way that let's. remember we bastardized it. You know, religion comes from the word, you know, I love like I talk about sin earlier to. miss the mark. Religion is from the. Latin root relear. Legar means to bind together. re means again.

religion is about restoration. Got a bunch of spiritual friends who say. they're not religious and know what. they're telling me is they want unity. That's what religion means. We. bastardized it along the way. We made it. a business. I don't believe that the. original creators of religion and. Muhammad and Jesus and God are going, "Yeah, yeah, that's fine." No. There's. even stories in the Bible about going, "No, that ain't fine. But so we don't throw the baby out with. the bathwater. I just pose the question.

to us to say. maybe it's not religion we're mad at. Maybe we need to restore what that. means. Restore its original meaning and. live that way instead of just accepting. what it's become in so many places in so. many ways. Poems and prayers comes to me. because I started getting um. a little cynical myself. I started to, you know, default objectify, found myself objectifying people, kind.

of looking down my nose at them upon on. hello, thinking, "Ah, they're probably. not going to make the cut at what they. do. without any reason to be thinking that. way." Um, I started looking listening to. the news and leadership and I'm going. wait a minute now. So, we're saying. if success. is the key, if success is the. measurement and you can get it by lying,

cheating, and stealing and still be. rewarded the gold medal. We That's what's happening. Are we Are. we Are we ready to say that's okay? Are. we ready to say that's just how it is? We have leaders in positions now that. are saying, "Yeah, just win. Well, ju just just win. Just succeed.". But yeah, I don't care how you get. there, but you did it. Congratulations. Come to the front of the line. So, what are the ethics? I don't know. What' the winner do? Well, but they.

Wait, what about What about rules? Oh, yeah. By the way, the rules, if you. follow them, you're a sucker. Uh, I started to find myself going, "Wait a minute. I'm not ready to say. That's just how it is. I'm not ready to wave that white flag.". Are we. ready to wave that white flag and go, "We can see that's what it is." Because. there's many reasons to do so. And so.

I'm looking around at people and going, I'm not finding things people to believe. in and I'm finding it harder to believe. myself. One of the things that I I learned. through your writing in poems and. prayers, but also in greenlights is that. although those people might get to the. front of the queue and be awarded the. medal, the medal it that you're awarded or the. queue that you get to the front of might. not actually give you what you want. And. you you start by sort of reframing. success which I think is a really. important thing especially for a young.

generation especially for men who are. you know the first to want to get to the. top of the pyramid in certain pursuits. in life and actually from thinking about. what your your goal was of being a. father and how that's a lost pursuit if. you look at you know the amount of. people that are having children and um I. think that's a big question and actually. that's what your writing does for me. really confronts me in a way to go, okay, you can get to the top of the the. pile or you can get the gold medal, but. be careful what that medal represents. and a medal in what, >> right? >> What's relevant for what? We all want to.

be relevant. Okay. Like relevant for. what? We want to succeed, >> but when we succeed, do we act is it. worth it if we don't profit? >> Yeah. You said, yeah, >> you know what I mean? >> If more we we're we're trained to go the. quantity. >> is the is the is the goal. That's it. Well, then if that's sacrificing quality. >> Yeah. >> or value, what we actually value. >> what are you really winning? You're. winning one of the mortal games,

you know. And mind you, I also think. it's worth talking about, and I don't. know the answers, is I'm sitting over. here in a privileged place to be able to. say that. >> someone's in misery. You want to talk to. them about projecting and sacrificing. today so you can have more tomorrow. Those people are looking at you going, I'm trying to pay my rent, put food on. the table. Well, lucky you, Matthew, you. get to talk about that. I'm not saying. I'm not saying that I changing my mind, but I am conscious and I still need I.

still have more to learn from talking. with people that are going like, man, I'm don't I don't have the luxury to. think about tomorrow. The the other. thing that I is particularly front of. mind for me and has been for about three. to six months now is just this idea of. independence which has increasingly been. sold to people whether it's be your own. boss. More people are lonely than ever. before. Less people are choosing to have. families than ever before. This idea of. independence might have failed us. And. like all of my friends that are most. happy have the most dependence. And my. friends that are struggling now are in.

therapy are having what I would describe. as an existential crisis have the most. independence. No one depends upon them. and they depend upon no one. And the. other sort of adjacent idea to this is. I'm writing this book at the moment. called I can't find God which is kind of. a reflection of my own religious. curiosity that maybe we do need to. ladder up to something. So me, my. family, my community, maybe the planet, then something transcendent, something. higher. And people that don't ladder up. seem to be lost.

>> Yeah. If you go. from who we are. and make the North Star. God or the proclivity to imitate and be. more divine, those things happen. naturally through the humility, through. the courage, through the. sort of peace of mind, wrong or right, that oh, this isn't all there is. Let's.

play the immortal game. So therefore, risks are much easier to take. You're. much more courageous down here because. you're like, I'm not looking forward to. dying, but I ain't that afraid of it. that you know that's that's a very. lifeaffffirming. feeling to have where I think. selfishness and selflessness are. are in bed together in that place. >> you know or humility and confidence. >> are hooking up you know they're not this.

they're not even this I think they're. they're that when. the idea of God or God literally for. that pursuit of just being our more. sacred and divine selves. Well, there's. a lot of power I think that comes. If. you've ever worked in a startup, you. already know it's chaos. It's speed and. it is survival. And now with AI. accelerating everything, that speed has. only increased. Startups are landing. enterprise deals even earlier than. before. But what comes with those deals.

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14-day trial at. stevenbartlet.stan.store. When your children come to you, Matthew, and ask you, they say, "Dad, you know, I. want to be as a success in my life. defined in whatever way I define it.". You've been able to climb to the very. top of the mountain that you aim to. climb in terms of your professional. achievements. Is there anything transferable? you. talked about hard work earlier that. people might miss. >> um when they see such a remarkable.

career because I I look at your career. journey on paper and I go you've you you. did it but then you did it again and. again and again and again and again and. again and again at the very very highest. level and I'm like is this was this. natural talent was were you given. something in your DNA. >> and I know it's hard to sometimes self. analyze but what is it. >> what is that.

So I think that. and what what I do try to say some. version of this to my kids when we talk. about their futures is look and I talked. to a lot of young people about this if. you. first if start with what do you have an. innate ability to what's in your DNA you. know I wanted to play basketball for. years I wanted to dunk. it ain't my DNA bro I was I'm never. going to dunk no matter how hard I. worked at I was never going to dunk. That's what I wanted to do. So look at.

what do you have an innate ability for? I wanted to be Washington Redk running. back. No, it's too slow and not and not. powerful enough. Well, I didn't have the. innate ability. So what do you have the. innate ability for? Then what then are you willing to pursue. an education for, work for, hustle for. that for which you have an inability. for? And if we're going to talk about. making a living,

is that which you have an innate ability. for and now have educated yourself, your. talent to have a talent for is that and. how can that be something that the world. demands. cuz it's supply and demand? Boy, if you can end up doing something. you got an innate ability for, plus you. you become really good at it and you. learn the craft and the world demands it. and you can sply it. There you go. But. we don't always.

some of us have innate ability but we're. not willing to we don't work for it. We. don't improve our skills. We kind of. rely on what we got and it kind of come. middle of the field and it. sometimes I don't have the ability for. it but I'm going to learn a new craft. and I'm going to hustle at it and then. actually when we get good at something. we kind of can start to go oh I didn't. know I loved it. I didn't like this. anymore but I like it now. It starts to. feel good to do over and over. and you aimed at becoming a you know it. it says it in here it says uh winning an.

Oscar for best actor etc etc you. accomplish so many of these goals that. you had and then there comes this point. in your life where you seem to step back. from being this romcom. >> star and it's almost as if a dream you. once had failed you and you reorientate. yourself once again to something. >> of more substance. >> so. the decision to make to maybe to answer. a little more the last question. I.

I've when something's not feeling like. I'm completely. in the pocket on it on this getting it. on the screws if it and also maybe I am. but it's not translating. We talked. about earlier art that translates and. you hear the same thing back you're like. ah that's it. That's the communication. of good art. Maybe I'm feeling like I'm. busting my tail at something, but I put. it out there and it just goes, "Huh?" I. don't know. Sometimes it's bad timing.

Sometimes just I was chasing the wrong. was chasing up the wrong tree there. At. least maybe I chased it for me, but no. one else gave a damn. That can that can. happen. I've been. fortunate to if something's not sitting. well in my. soul, even if I'm pulling it off and I'm like, "Dude, you're the romcom guy. You are. the You're the go-to guy, man. You're. number one on the call. You're the you. took the baton from Hugh Grant and ran.

there. You love doing They're fun. Geez, they pay great, too. I can line them up. I was getting quantity, but I wasn't. getting the quality. I was like going. kind of feel like I could do it. tomorrow. And I was like, "Oh, nothing. wrong with that. You've worked to get to. that point to where you feel like you. could do it tomorrow." I was like, "Yeah, but I don't I need some. resistance. I need I want to find. something that scares me. Mind you, at that time, I've fallen in love with Camila and.

she's pregnant with her first child. What's the thing I always want to be in. life? Father. So my life is like, "Oh. yeah, the roof is raised and the basement is. lowered and the width is wider, man. I'm. feeling more, crying more, laughing. louder, feeling more painful, all of it. My emotions are life is vital.". And I said, "Okay, what I want to do is. dramas, but Hollywood won't offer me one. no matter how big of a pay cut I take.".

So I said, "All right, if I can't do. what I want to do, I'm going to quit. doing what I've been doing." So chose to. boom go to the ranch in Texas. Camila's. pregnant. Told my agent no more romcoms. Blah blah blah blah blah. Don't know how. long that's going to last. Made that decision with Camila. And we. said, "Look, you know, going to make. this decision. There's no telling how. long we're going to go without work. But if we're making the decision like. Australia, it's non-negotiable. We're. not going back on it.". >> And you get offered a lot of money in.

that time. >> Yeah. There's a great story. So nothing comes in for months and I'm. starting to think like, "Oh my gosh, I. might need to find become a teacher. Might need to go back to law school. Got to find a new vocation. I just wrote. myself a one-way ticket out of. Hollywood." This offer comes in for this. action comedy. $8 million offer. I read it and I said, "No, thank you. That's the stuff I'm not. doing." I come back with a $10 million. offer. I I'm not reading that again. No.

thank you. come back at a $12 million. offer. Guys, tell him I said no thanks. I come back at a $14.5 million offer. I said, Let me read that again. I'd read it again. It's the same words. that were in the $8 million offer that I. said no to, but it was better written. It was funnier, man. I could see myself. in it. This is could be I could make. this work. Yeah. Anyway, I ultimately.

said no. And I think. in my theory, I don't have any proof of. it, but I think that me saying no to. that $14.5 million offer. a year into me leaving and saying no. more romcoms. I think me doing that sent. the message got around kind of through. Hollywood. Oh, McConn is not bluffing. What the [ __ ] he up to? Something. about that was like, oh, he didn't just. recede.

He's got a plan, but he's just he. stepped out of Hollywood. He's turned. out 145. Oh, he's not rent. He's not for rent, >> which. interesting. Oh, maybe a little more attractive. Well, you know what would be a who might. be a novel? Great idea for this drama. Lincoln lawyer for this killer killer.

Joe for Mud for Dallas Buyers Club Magic. Mike True Detective. MC. 20 months after I stepped out. I didn't. know how long it would go. That's how. long it went, all of a sudden those offers came in. and I was off and I grabbed a hold of.

all of them I could and did them and. love doing them and and uh yeah. Would I. would those have come if id have never. stepped out? I can not even kind of say. maybe. No. No, they wouldn't have. >> So interesting how success can become a. prison. It goes back to that sort of. marginal. >> slow. [Music]. >> Yeah. >> And then you had to do something drastic. to realign.

>> Yeah. >> Turn down $14.5 million which and trust. me my brothers were like most people. going what is your major malfunction. little brother? You know, but. I remembered how I felt that night when. I had when it came to me and it settled. and it came up and I made the covenant. and and and I prayed and swore on it. with Camila and we said that's the. decisions made. No matter how long this. goes, we're not going to go back on the. decision. So, a lot of these stories I. think come out about endurance.

in a way. The Australian story, this. story are two that remind me of like I. could have pulled the parachute at. sensibly. at any time after the first three months. in Australia. If I tell you the details. of that, you'd be like, "Dude, why. didn't you come home after a year out of. the business maybe. and my agents tell me, I haven't even. heard your name in four months.". [ __ ]. why go start a new job? Just go back.

Those jobs are waiting for you. the. romcom jobs. You were doing the waiting. >> The through line for me as well is just. you in these moments you knew who you. were and were not, which a lot of people. don't. And you have to kind of know who. you are and are not in order to turn. things down or to accept things that are. for you, right? I'm going to go one step. previous to that. I don't know if I could say. I knew who I was.

An easier place for us all to begin and. I think where what's more true for me is. that these were times when I go. I knew who I was not. and I don't know what the I kind of know. what I want to do roles that can. challenge the vitality of my life. you. know, stereotype. We could say we call. those a drama. But. >> wasn't like I had the script written. >> This is the one I want to do and no one. let me do it. You know what I mean? So.

it said no to that. In Australia, I knew. that I couldn't be the guy who goes, I'm out of here, man. Because I shook on. it. and was having a sneaky suspicion that. the longer this penance went on, the. greater the gift would be on the other. side. Did I trick myself on that? probably. Did I was I telling myself that here as. a was I posting that on my proverbial. fridge and repeating it like a mantra?

Yes. It took a while to get down into. No, I actually believe that to be true. >> You have a good relationship with. uncertainty with not having the branch. to swing to perfectly. >> I hope so. My wife's out there. If. you're seeing this, she's probably like. he needs to work on his relationship. with uncertainty, [Laughter]. >> at least in a professional context. I. mean,

>> most people end up stuck because they. just wait for 100% certainty about the. escape plan or the the next. >> Well, may maybe that's because. there are every role I've ever done, I. went into it at some point and felt like. I was 100% certain that this is going to. be great. And not all of them were. great. So I've had been a part of things that. had the best laid plans. >> and turned out to be like, "Oh [ __ ]. that's all we did to that." I've been. part of things that had the best laid. plans and turned out to be like, "Damn,

all right.". I've been a part of things that were. under financed and didn't seem to have. the foundation, but boy, we turned him. into something. Dallas Buyers Club. $4.9 million in 25. days. Shot that movie. Quality on the screen for that much. money. in that many days. Jean Mark and all director, we turned it.

into that. We turned it into that. We went into it. But even that, that's. another fun story. That was never real. I just we just said the producers and. myself once John Mark came on the. director and the producers and my we got. in a room and said we ought to just say. we're doing this in October and so we. left out of there and started telling me. yep doing it in October. There was no. money. My agent was like you keep saying. you're doing it in October. You're not.

doing it in October. I was like yes we. are yes we are dude there's no money. You're not buying it. Yes we are. She. kept saying it. Other scripts were. coming in. He's like can you read this? It's going. When's it going? October. I'm not why I read it. I'm not doing I'm. doing Dallas. Dude, you're not doing. Dallas Spires Club. There's no time. There's not a date set. There's no. movie. Would you please read something. for that time slot? No, cuz we're doing. Dallas Spires Club. >> Why were you so. >> We just. we just kind of I'm not going to what's. the word? We didn't manifest it. We just. didn't flinch. >> Don't have. >> we didn't stutter and we were all in. alliance and saying the same thing. So.

all of a sudden people started to. believe it. >> Has that proven to be really important. to believe what you say and to say it. with a conviction? Because it goes back. to what you the phone call with your. father. >> Yeah. >> You didn't flinch. Something seems to happen when you don't. flinch. >> Yeah. I mean, it's different than fake it till you. make it. You know, words are momentary. Intent is. momentous. Amen on that.

Yeah. >> Intent is momentous. >> Yeah. There's a poem there on that same. thing. And I think it's it's where I I I. I write that in response pushing off of. where I think sort of a woke cancel. culture overcompensated. where we bam hammered you for the word. and didn't give the people to go. Wait, do you understand my intent? >> Intent is such a lust. >> Especially. Especially.

with people who are ignorant. >> Mhm. >> And didn't know better. They're right in. here. I wish more not I don't want more. crimes but I wish more of the crimes. were about from ignorance because it's. the ones it's it's it's it's the bad. agents that are going oh I know good. from evil and I'm going to do the evil. well that son of a [ __ ] I'm sorry maybe. we do need to go in an alley and work it. out but the ones go I didn't I didn't. know that person needs some amnesty go. well okay or given the a chance to talk.

about it. when we forgotten. how to say. sorry dude I didn't that's what I me I. did not know that's how you were going. to I didn't mean for it to land on you. like that's not how I how I meant it. have we forgotten to do that. and aren't we getting toolled by the. lawyers in the world to say just. litigate it dude sue him whoa what. happened to hey man my bad stuck my foot.

in my mouth man I bogeied. Sorry. Now, if I come back and do it to you next. week and the next week after, shame on. me. Repeat offender, man. You can. forgive me, but don't trust me. Go. I. need some I need some reparations. I got. some work. I need some rehab. All right. But my first job on talking about. forgiveness and the words and intent, my. first job, if I've done you wrong and. I've come asking for forgiveness, you've.

open if you're going to if you're going. to forgive me, you've opened it up. first. And if you forgive me. and you believe that I mean I I I'm. truly sorry, I'm do my best not to ever do that. again. If you believe that and then you. forgive me, first order of business is. for me to change the behavior that I. have so I don't have to come say sorry. to you again.

>> That I think we miss sometimes that. sometimes people go, I'm sorry, forgiven. Oh, cool. We're even. All. right, back to it. And all of a sudden. you're like, you did it again, dude. Have a little reward. I thought you were. going to course correct. You know, I've. got to course correct the offender for. the first order of business for the. offender to go, I'm going to do what I. can not to have say I'm sorry to you. again. >> I think there's a more obvious incentive. to misunderstand people now, especially. when you there's likes and follows and. retweets and play. Misunderstanding.

someone, there's huge incentive in that. And I think maybe that's created a. culture of that being the default is to. mis trying to misunderstand you because. >> trying to misunderstand. That's. interesting. >> because there's an incentive. I think. all human behavior can be tracked to. incentives. >> that and that's not the resistance we're. talking about. >> No no you know that's. come on. trying to misunderstand people. a real want and need. Yeah I think. you're right. I'm asking this out to the.

world and myself trying to misunder to. be controversial. What? To be. >> it makes me significant, >> right? Because you own something and you. >> Yeah. So you trumped my gesture. >> Yes. What about What about. >> Yeah. >> It proves, you know, I'm almost. piggybacking. You talked about. structure. I'm pushing off your. >> Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Dude, comp. We We've got to compare before we. contrast. Double down on somebody's. affirmation. Make a point there about.

make the point make the positives plural. and the singular's negative. Block then. you can block evil and the negative's. path to prophecy. If we can double down, I'm not saying be foolish and say. there's no negatives in the world. There's no pain. There's no evil. No, let's admit it's all out there and then. choose to go. I'm going to talk about. bad [ __ ] in my past in the past hence. because that's going to block its path. to prophecy and the positive things that. are working the truths in my past. I'm. going to talk about them in the present. and the future tense because we're going.

to keep that ball going. That's going to. be a verb. Let's make those a verb. >> What season of life are you in now, Matthew? >> Season of life. Well, the last eight years, I've really. come to love fall. I grew up, I was a summer guy. No shirt, no shoes, bright lights, extrovert. It's all good. Everything. Don't [ __ ] about no shoes cuz there's. somebody out there with no feet.

I've come to like fall because. I think I need I I I. don't I'm interested in so many things. that my hunch is to not take on more. campfires, but to keep putting logs on. the fires that I've built. And to do that, the clouds that come. with fall. just nip ambition in the bud just a. little bit. They put a little bit of a.

roof. I kind of like I'm not as big of a. fan of the 30- foot vault ceiling right. now. I I like that 10-footer, that. 8-footer. I feel ambitious looking. laterally instead of my god the four. dimensionally. I'm. looking for the dreams and the poems and. the prayers. to become the reality and I'm I like a. little bit of shade. >> Matthew, we have a closing tradition on. this podcast where the last guest leaves.

a question for the next guest not. knowing who they're going to be leaving. it for. And the question that has been. left for you is, "What is your greatest. weakness? What is your greatest. strength?". Well, let me talk on this wall cuz a lot. of times they seem to be the same damn. thing. A lot of times people are like, "Dude, your greatest asset is risk.". And I'm like, I think that's why I got. to work all more. I think I need to be. taking a lot more risks. >> You think you need to be taking a lot.

more risks? >> Yeah, >> that'll surprise a lot of people. Give. me the context though and the color. >> I'm successful. I got a home. It's got a gate. I got a security guard. I got three kids. Got a wife. All right. Secure this. Keep that log on. those fires going. That's the main. thing, man. If you do that, if you do.

that, there's nothing better you can do. Well, hang on a minute. You can do that, but you still need to engage. What are. you going to become a live-in father? No. Kids need to see you go to work. Need to come with you go to work. Need. to see you and your mom going places. without them. Engage. in the world. Go find out some new. things. Learn some new things. Whether that's the physical frontier or.

the mental frontier. take more risk there to learn. As Mark. Waters, director of Ghost Girlfriend's. Past, told me one time, "Oh, MC, you're. never wrong." I was like, "Thank you.". He goes, "But there's more than one way. to be right.". My. my greatest one of my greatest assets is. that when I am certain on something, I can commit to it. It can be an engine. and a momentum to take me a long way. At.

the same time, I can leave unnecessary shrapnel. with people I care about from my own. certainty. because I'm so committed and obsessed. with this truth that I've crossed that I. can block out an alter alternative. approach to it because I don't have the. confidence to go, "Oh, yeah, let me see. that." Because I still think, "Oh, if I. see that, I'm going to lose some of. this." And I'm still working on that.

It was so beautiful to read poems and. prayers. It was surprising and beautiful. at the same time. And uh I said to you. before we started recording, it's one of. the first times that I felt like I went. somewhere else in a while. And I It's. funny cuz it was three or four days ago. that I read the first um couple of poems. and then I went back a couple of days. later. And I think in part because. things had changed in my life in those. couple of days. The meaning of the poems were different. The meanings of the prayers seemed to be. entirely different. You also have this.

incredible book which has been one of. those smash hit bestsellers of the last. decade, Greenlights. And I know that one. of your good friends, Bill McRaven. >> Yeah, Admiral Bill. >> Admiral Bill McRaven. >> I always make you call him Bill, but I. always go Admiral. Yeah, Bill McRaven. >> And he was somewhat part of the. inspiration or he inspired or was a. catalyst moment you seeing him speak. It's a friendship. that he and I have started to build and. as. is at a at a time when I was seeking out.

male mentors. >> after your dad had passed. >> Well, this is more in the last five. years, six years, seven years. I think I. wrote that four years ago, something. like that. And he always took my call, always took time with me, always. just without judgment shared great. wisdom with me. And without even knowing. he shared it, I think just if you ever. get a chance to speak with him and spend. time, he's a he's really got it going.

on. He's got it he's he's he's really. got a wonderful perspective. Um, >> are you able to share what you were. seeking guidance from him about? No, the main thing I would keep private, but then it was also we we we talked. about, you know, fatherhood, husbandry, you know, um he's and he's got a great. sense of humor and all that stuff, too. And and how, you know, making plans and.

seasons of our life and how much to rely. on those and how much are they just. like, "No, that's just an old parable, man. Doesn't really go like that." You. know what I mean? Um, and I'd give. details, but I wouldn't I feel like I. might be speaking out of school if I. did. >> I actually, um, we reached out to Bill. McRaven. >> Oh, you did? >> And he wrote this wonderful letter for. you. He said, "Dear Matthew, I remember. clearly the first time we met. I'd been. told that Matthew McConnA was going to. be in the audience at my talk. I'd long. been a fan of your movies, but candidly,

I wondered more about the man than the. movie star. The man I met that day, the. person I've come to know over the past. 10 years, has exceeded all my. expectations. You are as genuine as any. person I know. There are no heirs about. you. There is no pretense. There is no. Hollywood ego. There is just McConnA. You treat everyone with respect. I have. watched you with your league of fans and. never once have you failed to shake a. hand, give a hug, take a picture, and. thank them for their kindness. I have.

watched you on the sidelines with your. beloved look horns. When you are there, the entire burnt orange nation feels. better than the game. In victory, your. enthusiasm is infectious. And in defeat, you are gracious and respectful, representing all that is good about the. university and about Texas. I've watched. you give back to your school, teaching. the next generation of actors, writers, and poets. I've seen your work as the. minister of culture, bringing fun and a.

Texas flare to everything you touch. I've watched you after the tragedy in. Yaldi. It tore your heart out. And while. others stood on the sidelines wondering. how to deal with those unspeakable. horrors, you headed straight to. Washington. Few people I know could have. brought both Democrats and Republicans. together to make a difference. But you. did. And then you stood in front of the. entire nation and pleaded for s sanity. Through your compassion, your. determination, and your love, you have. truly made a difference in so, so many.

lives. I have watched you with Camila. and your children. You're as fine a. father and a husband as any man I know. Every child should be as lucky as your. kids. I know your mother is exceedingly. proud of the man you have become. Finally, I want to thank you for your. friendship, your unwavering support, and. for making my hometown of Austin some. place special to live. Take care, Bill McRaven.

Wow. Thank you, Bill. A that's that's that's something else. You know, I did speak to him. before I went to DC after Ualdi. and just the wisdom with.

the context, the setting, do you see politics, but also. in that. being aware aware and understand those. things. Go your line, man. Go your line. And um. that's that's that's beautiful to hear.

You know, I did not know. that he that he uh thought all those. things about me, and that makes me feel. good. But I look forward to giving him a. a hug over our next cup of coffee or sip. of tequila, whatever it is. Good man. Good, good, good, good man. Bill McCraven, thank you. And everything. he says in that letter is what I've had. reflected to me by everybody you've met. and know. We've got some mutual contacts. and those words ring true. And this is. why I think you're a great um role model.

for for me, but also for young men like. me who are aspiring to figure out all. this stuff with all the modern. temptations and you know different paths. we can pursue and all the options more. options than ever. >> and a. less clear clarity on why we should. pursue resistance and family and faith. and all the things described in this. letter of the the empathy, the grace and. the kindness and the respect of others. But you stand forth as an example for. why all those things are the most. important things. And thank you for.

that, Matthew. Thank you for being a. role model to me and so many young men. like me and so many people, not just men. like me. And thank you for writing a. brilliant book, poems and prayers, which. everybody can go and get now. Um, and. just like me when I read it, it might. just take you to somewhere else. Somewhere else you might rather be and. somewhere else you need to go. Thank. you. Beautiful. [Music].

[Music].