Lucy Hale Opens Up For The First Time About Eating Disorders, Relationships & Addiction | E224

you have to go to a dark place sometimes. to like get to that point. who. [Music]. we are so excited to have Lucy Hale. she's been in the spotlight since she. was just a kid stars on the hit show. Pretty Little Liars and now I'm a movie. star not what you were expecting you. might be the first real deep. conversation I've had it's dark. disgusting and scary I wish I could go. back and tell my 16 year old self buckle.

up girl we're gonna go through some. foreign. [Applause]. assumption that it'll fix a bunch of. stuff what didn't it fix I struggled. with the eating disorder because society. makes it really freaking hard to like. the way you look I hated myself so much. that I couldn't even give it basic needs. like food I did not feel worthy of the. success or the career or the people in. my life and then the coping mechanisms. were like incredibly self-destructive.

I've been working on getting sober since. I was 20. I just like held on to that. belief that real Lucy came out when she. was drinking I tried to change for my. mom I tried to change for my career one. of my best friends died of alcoholism. and that still didn't make me want to. get sober none of that Works alcohol. isn't the problem the problem is this. feeling inside of me I have to try it a. different way was there a Darkest Day. [Music].

I just want to start this episode with a. message of thanks a thank you to. everybody that Tunes in to listen to. this podcast by doing so you've enabled. me to live out my dream but also for. many members of our team to live out. their dreams too it's one of the. greatest privileges I could never have. dreamed of or imagined in my life to get. to do this to get to learn from these. people to get to have these. conversations to get to interrogate them. from a very selfish perspective trying. to solve problems I have in my life so I. feel like I owe you a huge thank you for. being here and for listening to these. episodes and for making this platform.

what it is can I ask you a favor I can't. tell you how much you can change the. course of this podcast the the course of. the guests were able to invite to the. show and to the course of everything. that we do here just by doing one simple. thing and that simple thing is hitting. that subscribe button helps this channel. more than I could ever explain the. guests on this platform are incredible. because so many of you have hit that. button and I know when we think about. what we want to do together over the. next year on this show a lot of it is. going to be fueled by the amount of you. that are subscribed in that tune into.

this show every week so thank you let's. keep doing this and I can't wait to see. what this year brings for this show for. us as a community and for this platform. [Music]. I tend to start these podcasts in a very. similar way and I think in your case. it's never been more pertinent to start. in that way which is. to understand your context I've got to. be honest I I read a lot about you.

online but I couldn't really get to the. very Crux of like who you are and why. you are that way and it was really. really surprising to me because it. almost appeared that you hadn't done a. proper. slightly deeper interview before no I. think it's so interesting you word it. that way because I actually didn't know. who I was until very recently and I. think that's because and yes you might. be the first.

um. real deep conversation I've had publicly. and that's part of the reason why I. wanted to do this because I'll start off. with saying I just think you're so. amazing you're obviously very. intelligent but like you lead with your. heart and I was like oh I feel like this. would be a good match for us to kind of. talk but. yeah I I think because. I I moved to LA when I was 15 and. started working pretty young that my.

identity became. what I did for a living and my. accomplishments and my successes or. failures within my career space so it. took me a long time to figure out. who I was or who I wanted to be like to. people would ask me what kind of person. are you and I actually couldn't answer. it I had no idea and through a series of. um. I guess we'll call it speed bumps just. we all have our own personal journey I.

have. I'm slowly like peeling away that onion. of. of who I am and it turns out like that. person's always been here I just. forgot she was there or like kind of put. her in the basement if you will but. um. but yeah it's been an interest it's been. a really powerful. last year for me. um. I will give you a heads up I cry all the. time so just I'm I'm getting you ready I.

also have big eyes and they get really. glassy but I I get emotional when I. speak about these things because. I just love. where I've landed in my life and it's. been a really. um. Jesus I didn't know I'd get like. emotional this early on. um it's just been a really. powerful and painful insightful joyous. horrible journey and I um.

love that I can sit across from you now. and be my most authentic self so that's. a long way of saying I'm glad to be here. and it's not is it it makes you. emotional because you're happy where you. are now. I I mean I I've always kind of felt like. an open wound if if that makes sense. like even as a kid I just felt like I. felt things in a really deep way. um you could call that maybe. codependency or.

um taking on problems that weren't mine. but now I get emotional because. of the perspective and just. having pride and in the choices I've. made and. um and it's not it's not an emotional. tears in a sad way it's more just Joy. whereas I've been happy at different. points in my life but I hadn't ever. experienced joy and to me the difference. in happiness and being joyous joyous is.

long-term and sustainable and it doesn't. come from anything external. comes from here and. um. and I had always heard people say that. that like true happiness comes from. yourself and I was like I don't what. what are you doing like okay shut up. like I don't know what you're talking. about but but it really does and it's. been. um. a slow grind. so let's start from the beginning then.

um your context before the age of. 10 years old growing up in Memphis bring. me into that world like what do I what. do I need to know about that that. chapter in your life to understand. the journey and the direction that. Journey took. um yeah so from Memphis. uh families all still in Tennessee I. have an older sister who I adore and. admire so so much. um I. mainly lived with my mom growing up my.

dad's still in the picture but they were. divorced really young. and I was just what was I like as a. child I was. I think as long as I can remember I've. always felt kind of like. and I don't mean this in a sad way like. in a victim way I've always felt like I. was on the outside looking in like I. never had a lot of friends I never felt. the need to. make friends or be social like after. school I wouldn't.

want to go to a friend's house I would I. would rush to get home to go be alone. with myself so I've kind of always. craved this feeling of needing Solitude. because that's when I could sort of. be myself and I felt that as early as. you know 10 years old. but um. I guess my love of entertaining. uh came from. my mom was married to this man who heard.

me singing in my room when I was. probably like six or seven. I loved Aladdin I loved Disney movies. and I I vividly remember like pretending. to be Jasmine on the Magic Carpet and I. would just sing with my little tapes and. and he told my mom like Lucy's got a. good voice. and up until that point I had never you. know I was too young to even know what. being a singer meant but. that led to taking singing lessons which.

led to performing around Memphis and. mind you I hated performing live like I. felt for someone who's an introvert. and someone who loves Solitude being on. stage and I'm sure we'll talk about this. later like I ended up doing music as an. adult and I still had that same feeling. I just felt so exposed and it was really. scary and I ran a little anxious. um. but anyway so I I grew up performing in. that way and then I found out what it.

meant to be an actor this is probably. around age 13 or 14. and we found this. small agent who. was like Lucy should audition for this. show that Disney's doing called Hannah. Montana this was years before they cast. Miley Cyrus and it was then it was that. moment in that audition where I was. thinking oh I can act and sing at the. same time like this is my dream this is. my way out you know and um way out.

I'll get yeah I'll. you're so smart yes so I I now as an. adult I'll Circle back around to it. um because you know how I said it was. hard for me to say what kind of person. am I. it was also hard for me up until. recently to to know why I wanted to be. an actor I didn't know why until. recently and I'll Circle back around to. it but um. so it was this Hannah Montana audition. which led to. knowing what a pilot season was and.

pilot season for anyone listening is. when they don't really have a pilot. season anymore because of streaming and. and everything but it's when a network. pays money for one episode to see if. they want to invest in doing a series. you know what a pilot season is but um I. talked to my mom into moving out to. California and when I mean taught I. didn't talk her into it I think it was. perfect timing for her. and for me. and we packed up our Prius and all of. our stuff which wasn't a lot I come from.

a very simple upbringing. and my mom was a travel nurse she cashed. in her retirement. for us to move out here and I always ask. her now I'm like how did you. how did you do that like that's kind of. insane. and she and I'm sure she has her. personal reasons too but. she was like I kind of just had this. feeling it was gonna work out for you. that also makes me cry and I also think. it's really funny because if it hadn't. worked out I'd be screwed because I.

didn't graduate high school I. wouldn't know where I belonged like. I think my lucky stars that it did work. out because. um. life would would look a lot different. I'm sure. um and then so we moved to LA planning. to stay for three months at 15 and I. never left and I've been here almost 20. years. and now I guess it's a good segue into. what I meant by a way out. and I guess what I mean by that is.

I never felt. I knew that life. there was not I didn't feel like home I. never knew where I fit in. um I felt I love my family so much but I. always felt like the black sheep of the. family I just felt different even as a. little kid. and um. and it's no wonder that I got into. acting because that was I was always in.

my imagination like my coping mechanism. was like Dreamland in my head and like. fantasizing about what my future would. look like well if you believe in the. power of manifestation my future looked. like this. like little lucy kind of created this. this whole life for myself and I just. knew I wanted. something different you know you use the. word coping mechanism yes I'm really I'm. really compelled by that okay because I. sat with Maisie Williams.

um that. was another reason why I really wanted. to do this because I thought that. episode in particular was so powerful. really moving. um. yeah that yeah I I've got chills then. just thinking about it because. and as you were speaking there was a lot. of like through lines and similarities. as to what you were saying like Maisie. really kind of lost her identity in. because she was a very young actress and. she became but also she was.

in her own words using acting as a way. to escape which is almost what I heard. from from you there yes I didn't realize. it I realized now that my job completely. was and has been at times a huge. Band-Aid for a lot of issues in my life. because I have like very addictive. Tendencies and a very addictive. personality and work like a lot of. people can be such an amazing. distraction and we get away with it. because you're productive you make money. people like you it's not like a negative.

addictive behavior but. it's so easy to not heal or not focus on. what's going on when you're constantly. busy and that's why after an experience. like Pretty Little Liars why everything. kind of just like you know. because for we did that show for we did. 170 something episodes I was like eight. years of my life in between 20 and 28. years old. I I don't feel like I emotionally.

developed in I don't know what normal is. but I feel like I missed out on. some normal experiences and. so it wasn't until that period of my. life afterwards where I realized. how I was contributing to my own. suffering and I didn't even realize the. magnitude of it until I was outside of. something like that show. in hindsight when you look back on your. younger years you talked about your.

parents separating how what impact did. that have on you in hindsight any of you. you know I often think about this. because. I think it was 100 the best decision for. everyone and I. um you know you hear about so many. people staying together for the kids oh. my [ __ ] no if my I'm so glad that my. parents separated because it was the. best thing for everyone. and why.

um it wasn't a happy marriage I don't. think. you know and I I wanna. respect both of my parents and not. speak up really on that but but I do. think that. it may have been a little toxic at times. and you know I was four my sister was. six and it uh it allowed for a little. more peace and calmness and and both of. my parents are now remarried to. wonderful people and and it all worked. out but I think.

um. I was. raised by a single mom for a lot of my. childhood she was. remarried for a little bit but my my dad. is now back in my life and he's given me. so many lessons I mean I think that. anything that's traumatic or painful. like I sort of just use that as. ammunition to move forward I'm like what. is this trying to teach me what has this. given me because we can look at any.

experience and say and play victim. and you can I think it's okay to be the. victim when you're younger like your. teenager your 20s you it's kind of okay. to do that and part of life but I think. at some point you have to take ownership. of your life. that's why I feel like so many people. are miserable because it's you're in. victim mode. I don't ever want to be a victim of my. life or my circumstances ever. I want to be the happiest I can be and.

learn the most I can possibly learn. about myself and sometimes that means. you have to go to a dark place sometimes. to like get to that point. whoo. um. [Music].

thank you I'm a crybaby. yeah that's fine. I don't even remember. thanks. these remind me of like McDonald's. napkins which makes me happy I love. McDonald's. um. expensive building they said we've run. up I love it I love it um I don't even. know what I was saying but sometimes you. have to go to a dark place. what was I saying before sometimes I go. in a trance and I just talk and only. remember what I was talking about.

um oh just talking about my parents. divorce yeah I think it's so easy to. look at these experiences and. feel sorry for yourself but life is so. much more interesting and freeing and. liberating when you look at something. when you look at things that have. happened to you when you're a child and. say what beautiful lesson did I get out. of that and if we're just taking. my parents divorce as an example. the biggest lesson I learned from that.

is what kind of love do I want in my. life what am I going to stand for or not. stand for and. and something I always stand by in my. life is like I'm not settling I'm not. settling and that can mean that just. means people got to meet me where I'm at. I've worked too hard to feel how I feel. today. for a jobs experiences people. relationships lovers friends whatever it. is like. gotta meet me here and it doesn't mean. you can't compromise with people that's.

different. but I just allow a certain kind of thing. in my life and. um. yeah. your grandmother. got a tattoo on your left wrist oh wow. yes I I didn't I saw you pulling out. your left wrist so I just went with it. yeah I love you yes so. what role did she play. so she her name was Karen and she was my.

dad's mom and my grandmother rest in. peace you amazing Soul she was the. coolest badass woman I've ever met. she taught me about things that maybe I. shouldn't have learned at such a young. age she would put on Oprah when Oprah. would be talking about. really heavy topics she put on the movie. Grease when I was a kid and that was a. movie where I'm like. I want to do that.

um and I I don't know where you land. within the. medium psychic space but I've talked to. I do um I practice Reiki with. um this woman named Katie who always. senses my grandmother's energy and and. every kind of experience like that my. grandmother's energy has showed up so I. truly believe that she. is here with me but she was just. smart and she thought.

differently than anyone in my family and. as an adult I can look back and think. I'm so much like her like I just I miss. her she died really young. she died of emphysema and it's shocking. I never picked up smoking because I I. told you I'm like an extremist but I've. never been a smoker because of her and. um. yeah she died in her mid-60s. she was so funny like she.

she had breathing tubes on and she. smoked until the day she died still but. that just like showed you who she was. she just. was a Powerhouse and so funny. um. and I miss her I miss her all the time I. and it and it's kind of sad because. I don't have that many pictures of her. because it was before. I had a cell phone and she died when I. was 15 so. I maybe had just gotten one of those. Sidekicks or Nokia phones and I just.

don't have that much tangible memories. of her you named after they right yeah. yeah Karen Lucille and uh so she. definitely lives on in me in that way. and. um. yeah that's nice to chat about her thank. you for bringing her up I was really. inspired by. um the love your mother must have had it. for you but also really the belief she. must have had in you to move to LA with.

you when you were 15 I'm assuming purely. so you could pursue a career in. Hollywood at 15 years old yeah it's. totally bizarre and when I tell people. that I just have to set the tone my mom. was not a stage mom at all and by that I. mean she wasn't it was never forced upon. me I she just always. encouraged me to follow this dream which. is so incredible because you hear of so. many people where it's the opposite. where the parents are forcing a dream. you don't really want onto you and she.

just instilled a lot of willpower my mom. is such a hard worker I do believe I. have my I get my drive and work ethic. from her and she's so selfless like she. would give her last penny to anyone. and just loves with her entire heart. um and my my mom and I have definitely. had our. uh. rough moments in. over the course of.

our lives but we're in such a beautiful. place now where we really can show up. exactly how we are without getting. um triggered or defensive because we're. really similar in the way we approach. our emotions I guess and so we've kind. of. have butted heads at times but she's. always been my. just biggest fan and. um I have no idea how because because I.

often think if I had a daughter who. wanted to do what I want to do would I. do that I don't know how do you know. it's kind of insane isn't it thanks Mom. for being insane I love you for it like. thank God. uh but. it was a risk for sure and she came and. worked as a nurse. yeah so she the only way we could afford. to live out here because as you know. cost of living is insane. um she was a travel nurse which is kind.

of an agency for nurses that live across. the world and they could place her at a. hospital and they would pay for our rent. and she would make a little extra money. but I mean we were kind of Barely. getting by. barely getting by and. yeah I feel like there's always kind of. financial. worry there but we we always she always. made it work we always figured it out. and by 216 you start working in TV shows. and stuff out here in L.A yeah so the. first so this is a really cool story to.

tell you because I just got back from. Vancouver but the first show I ever did. the first series was called Bionic Woman. it was a remake of a show a really. popular show from the 70s 80s on NBC and. I got cast as the little sister and we. lived in Vancouver. um in this building right by the Sea. line and then I now 19 years later just. was working up there again and I look. out the window of the building I was.

living in it's the exact same building. my mom lived in and I'm like that is. just. the universe full circle it was the. coolest full circle moment of being 16. there with my mom on my first job to. everything that's transpired to me being. 33 working there now it was just like. this really incredible moment but but. yeah I uh. started kind of working. supporting myself since 17 and then I.

think my mom saw that I. somewhat had a good head on my shoulders. by 18 and then she moved back to. Tennessee that period between. you being 16 and 19 when you. living out in L.A predominantly. um before you know you get cast for. Pretty Little Liars how do you feel. about that chapter of your life. when you reflect on that that chapter. that 16 to 19 year old chapter. what do you think so interesting because. I actually haven't.

seeing this building in Vancouver was. the first time I had thought about that. time in my life in. 10 years I actually haven't sat and. thought about. I know I also feel like so much of my. memories are kind of blurry from that. time. I. it's so weird like I can't even answer. that question I think. I think I was very grateful to be in LA.

and pursuing this dream but that was. kind of the beginning of it all of of. what was to come. um like I wish I could go back and tell. my 16 year old self like buckle up girl. we're gonna get through this but we're. gonna go through some [ __ ] you know. um I and I've been open about this. before like I struggled with the eating. disorder uh most of my teen years up. until like mid-20s and it it was around. that time that it had kind of that was.

like turned up to a 10 and I and it I. mean it's all in direct correlation with. moving to a new city. throwing myself into the world of acting. like I think my life kind of fell out of. control in a way and my emotions fell. out of control and. body stuff food stuff is all needing. needing to control. and um. uh so yeah I mean I guess I look back on. that time and.

I have compassion now like I don't want. to say I feel sorry for myself but. I do believe in like. I mean I was a teenager but all the. inner child work where you just kind of. see that image of you young you and. really hold space for that and really. speak kindly to yourself. um. but honestly I don't really remember a. lot more and I don't know if that's.

weird but it I I also feel that. similarly about my childhood I have. certain memories but. I don't know maybe I was disassociating. a lot I told you I lived in my head a. ton so. I don't know it seems like so much has. happened since then. Eating Disorders yeah how do I how do I. understand that as someone that's never. experienced um eating disorder how do I. how do I understand that is there a. moment where you've realized that. there's a there's a problem or you you. notice Behavior patterns that you think.

are. um. unhealthy to say the least I think from. anything that disrupts your life or your. happiness or your relationships or your. career like. that can be described as a problem and I. think for me it was. all I thought about from the moment I. woke up until I went to bed at night how. much did I eat how much did I work out I. would step on a scale 30 times a day I.

was eating so little that it was. shocking. um and it wasn't really ever about. that's a lie it was about the way I. looked at one point because I thought if. I could just be this number or this goal. weight then I'll be enough because it. all rooted back to I don't feel enough I. don't feel like enough why. um. and that's still a question I'm figuring. out because it it. um self-worth and knowing I'm enough.

like where did the thought of I'm not. enough come from did I hear it when I. was a kid I don't know did I hear. something that resonated is you're not. enough maybe. um do you know who that is he he came on. my podcast he's maybe maybe the leading. therapist psychologist in the world on. like childhood trauma and and much of. the Crux of what he talks about is where. we learn this idea that we're not enough. as kids one of the things he said to me. which is still sat with me is he said to. me he goes children are narcissists he.

goes when the parents arguing the child. thinks it's about them yeah and when he. said that to me I go oh my God it. explains so much sponges yeah so but we. interpret that situation like that home. life situation or whatever as like this. is about me yeah and and so now I can. look back and say maybe as a kid I. thought my parents got divorced because. of Me Maybe I you know there's a million. different scenarios so I'm certain I. learned it at a young age and. and as kids none of us come out.

unscathed right like we all take on some. sort of pain and Trauma from somewhere. or someone. but mine manifested as an eating. disorder initially which then led to. other issues but it but it all started. because I always try to think when. when did it begin when did this. Obsession begin. and I want to say it was maybe around. like 13 or 14 when I had um no no like.

1415 was starting homeschooling and I. had to start logging my exercise hours. and why it was for PE and you had to say. I'm do I did PE today for. x amount of time. and that's the only thing I can think of. that started this obsession with. movement and then I saw my body kind of. change and then I started restricting. eating and then it became like I said. just it slowly just grew and grew to.

something that it I could not enjoy life. I could not have a conversation I could. not focus on anything it's a it's a. miracle that I even started working and. could focus on acting because it was. when I mean it was a constant loop I. don't know how I got out of it. and I I mean the thing with eating. disorders is. it can. always creep back up on you and there. are days when I don't feel like my best. self but I love myself enough now to.

nourish my body and it's so sad to think. that I hated myself so much that I. couldn't even give it basic needs like. food. are you kidding me like that is so. tragic and so many people don't. understand. the space of an eating disorder because. there's a spectrum and I can only speak. from my point of view which. I mean I don't I really don't know any. woman that has a normal relationship to. their body or to food you know because. society makes it really freaking hard to.

like the way you look social media is. can be a really beautiful place and. you're doing such an amazing thing with. the work you do and like changing lives. but like the social social media can be. poison I have to really limit what who I. look at what I look at and I'm a grown. adult and it feels silly but you have to. like curate your life. keep your mind and soul and spirit. feeling good.

um. I always feel a little uncomfortable. talking about an eating disorder because. I'm. I'm sensitive and I know that it can be. triggering and hard for people to talk. about. food and bodies and people don't. understand how someone who objectively. as thin could think they were overweight. but and I can't explain it but that's. just what I saw and what I felt and it. and now I can look back and see photos. and think oh my God I was so I I wasn't.

seeing reality. you just create this narrative in your. head that's scary and dark and. and It ultimately wasn't about the way I. looked it was about. so much more which is which is. self-worth. incredibly low self-worth and. and I really owe it to like getting out. of that. I dated a guy. for a long time who was Italian I mean.

it sounds so silly it's like how did you. get help it wasn't through therapy I. didn't start doing therapy until my. early 20s for a different reason but. people always ask how did you. survive those horrible years of your. eating disorder. it was my Italian boyfriend who loved. and appreciated food and he would make. us go to dinner and I learned to enjoy. food again and it was like. each year that went by I started to feel. better and better and then I booked.

Pretty Little Liars and it got a little. dodgy again and scary but I learned. other coping mechanisms that worked for. a while until they didn't. um but. but now my relationship. I never thought I could call myself a. foodie because today like I love food. that's how I experience a new city or a. culture like I just appreciate it and I. know that we need food to survive and. and I like I like and love and respect. my body too if I'm tired I rest.

if I want to work out I work out I I can. just sort of navigate feeling. uncomfortable so much better these days. well you haven't given given a diagnosis. for that disorder was there ever medical. intervention yeah I did my mom. um. shortly before she moved to Tennessee. you know she recognized it was a problem. and she helped in the best way she knew. how but I'm sure as a parent she felt. helpless and felt like it was her fault. maybe. I went to a therapist only a handful of.

times where. that was the first time I had heard your. anorexic. and that word just sounds so daunting. and scary but I mean I I've never been. in denial though like I've always had. I always knew it wasn't normal behavior. like I knew that my hair shouldn't be. falling out and then I knew that I. shouldn't be able to see every bone in. my body but. you get like addicted to this feeling of. controlling your own body.

and um. so I kind of knew it was a problem but I. didn't know what anorexia meant until. this therapist had told me that that was. probably like age. 17. um. yeah I haven't thought about all that in. a long time too because I'm so on the. other side of it. and it's. nice. it's so nice to not have that. hamster wheel in your head about that.

all the time. being in um. being in LA. being in the entertainment industry is a. I imagine a tricky place to be when. you're contending with issues of you. know eating disorders and because. because of the influence of you know. advertising and movies especially back. then. um social media Etc. I yeah I just can't yeah I can't having.

never experienced an eating disorder. before but then thinking about being in. this environment. yeah. well what was interesting is that it. started before I even moved to LA the. eating disorder was for when I was like. 13 before I'd even thought about you. know. before I had found success so. so I'm certain the things I've dealt. with in my life. I would have dealt with anyway it just. might be on the opposite end of the. spectrum because I think that the.

reasonings behind all of these things. are those are old feelings that's old. stuff that has been ruminating. for a while. but yeah I mean this industry is at a. different point now where so many people. are accepted different types of people. different bodies everything and it's. such a beautiful. place I think the industry is heading. especially for a woman but when I was. starting out it wasn't really that way. and then I like book a show that's. called Pretty Little Liars what.

it's so I'm like okay well we gotta be. pretty we gotta be little. okay well we got this and and you're. also 20 years old where everyone wants. to look a certain way like that age you. all want to look the same and you wanna. you know it just all flared up again. and it was all I thought about again you. know because I I thought I had overcome. it and then. but then it became a thing of control it. wasn't and then It ultimately it wasn't. about wanting to be pretty or little it.

was about this is scary my life has. completely. shifted overnight. millions of people are seeing my face. Instagram had just started you know it. was just sort of beginning my first post. ever on Instagram was me and of season. one of Pretty Little Liars. um and it was like my life was now under. a magnifying glass. I felt out of control. uh oh I guess we gotta control the way I. look again and then I'll be enough and.

then people will like me. how do my Mo for so much of my life was. how can I get people to like me. even though I hated myself. and like real confidence is. not I read my whole Instagram now is. just like silly affirmations but it. helped but I read something the other. day that's true confidence is not I hope. they like me it's some I'm paraphrasing. but not I hope they like me it's. I'm okay and know who I am even if they.

don't and yeah. exactly what it is and that confidence. is what I've been searching for my whole. life and to know that and to show up. anywhere I go with anyone with new. people and say I'm accepted because I. accept myself I have value because I. value myself. you can put me in any situation anything. I truly mean this and I have the. confidence that I'll get through it. sober and happy. and it's.

been one hell of a journey and I like. truly am not going to cry again. I wouldn't have changed anything I. literally would not have changed any. dark moment situation. because the perspective and empathy I've. gained from that I would not have. otherwise. so. you said I hated myself I know it's such. a strong word and it makes me sad that I. felt that way. maybe he hates a strong word I do this. sometimes too I'll say something then. I'll backtrack and try to like paint it.

prettier but things are ugly sometimes. right. yeah I maybe it's more that I. didn't feel worthy of the things I had. in my life I didn't feel deserving. because a lot of my life. post success I did not feel worthy of. the success or the career or the people. in my life it was like this limiting. belief that. you're a fraud If people really knew who.

you were they wouldn't like you. like you're worthless you don't deserve. this and even though. I wasn't actually saying those things. like subconsciously. that's what was happening I think. because I would keep making the same. mistakes and be like why is this. happening it's because I had this belief. that I. didn't deserve any of it. when you live with that sort of lack of. self-worth it manifests itself in a. variety of ways one of them you talked. about already which is trying to gain.

control over something because then if I. can control this maybe I'll. gone are a bit of sort of self. self-worth from from the scales or the. mirror whatever it might be what are the. other ways that that manifested itself. in your life that like lack of. self-worth I've heard you talk about. people pleasing yeah but you you said. something curious a second ago you said. um that would the eating disorder was. the start of it um. and then you said you were going to go. on to say something else but yeah yeah I. mean it all kind of ties in together I.

think the people pleasing is such a big. thing I've. been working through in my life because. what people pleasing does is you're. doing things that aren't authentic. you're doing things you don't want to do. what does that do well it builds anger. and resentment well then if you repress. that anger resentment then what happens. well it's going to come out some way and. for me my. like for such a small human I have so. much rage in that I've. have now sorted through but for so much.

I just like bottled up that rage. and. for me. I. the coping mechanisms I discovered. worked for me were like incredibly. self-destructive and self-sabotaging and. I am. I'm not sure when this podcast comes out. and I had I've never talked publicly. until yesterday about being sober. I have a little over a year of sobriety. which you know the people in my life my.

friends my family who are just the. greatest people in the world and have. stood by my side for you know I've been. working on getting sober since I was 20. I'm 33. it takes time. it took time and it took patience with. myself. um I mean this is a topic I could talk. about until. the end of time but. basically what alcohol did for me. we did a couple of things it was like.

it was like this feeling of oh my God. this is what I've been searching for my. whole life I'm my truest self right like. I'm so much funnier and cooler and. people like me that's all [ __ ] guess. what not true I was not myself not my. truest self but. it orig it started with wow I can be. free and funny and boys will like me. this is when I'm younger right. and I just like held on to that belief. that real Lucy came out when she was.

drinking. guess what real Lucy did come out but it. was that rage and pain that I had been. holding on to for so long but it also. quieted my mind. um. I feel like. and I'm not the only person on the. planet that deals with this but like my. brain just goes. doesn't shut off it's exhausting but. when I drink because I I was like. textbook binge Drinker like.

blackout wouldn't remember what I did. what I said which is. scary and and it's also hard to explain. that type of drinking to someone because. people who haven't experienced it or. dealt with it personally like you. addiction is such a. a topic that. Soso taboo because it's because people. would just tell me Well Lucy don't drink. oh thank you oh. okay.

thank you so much I'll try that thanks. but now it is that now it's like okay I. just don't pick up the first drink and. I'm fine because what would happen for. me is I'd pick up the first drink I'd. like the feeling I'd have another drink. I'd really like the feeling and then it. was past drink too don't remember. I wouldn't remember the rest of the. night. um through what period of your life was. this sorry. since you were young I've had an issue I. from my very first experience drinking. which was like age 14. hmm up until a.

year ago I have had a problem I've never. had a a period of my life where I was a. normal moderate Drinker it was always. let's go let's let's just. I was willing to just go to this crazy. dark place every time. and you know of course I tried trying to. be a moderate Drinker just having to my. I have an allergy to alcohol I cannot. drink I view it as an allergy to alcohol.

my brain doesn't. work the same way as someone who can. just have a glass of wine it always. wants more it's like craving that that. feeling my best friend has just actually. finished a documentary on this subject. matter he was my best friend but also my. business partner for many years and the. the point where he realized he had a. problem we kind of. had a bit of a face to face because he. had done so much damage and there was. one particular instance where he did so. much damage to himself our company our.

team members that we we met on a Sunday. and we we basically it was that kind of. ultimatum moment which is you're gonna. have to leave. yeah you know and yeah you can do a lot. of damage right when you're when you. have that relationship with alcohol and. you have an addiction to alcohol and it. brings out that side of you did you ever. have moments like that where people. close to you said. many times and I. but it's one of those things I I. remember the point in my life where I'm. like.

I woke up. a morning after drinking and it was when. I wanted to keep drinking. I was like oh my reaction to alcohol is. different than my friends like this is. different and I've known I had a problem. this whole time I was there was never a. moment where. I thought it was normal there have been. moments where I didn't want to change. because I'm like I'm not giving this up. are you kidding me like who would I be. if I can't have fun and let loose and. drink. but I had many times my manager of 19. years.

who is an angel truly an Earth Angel. I believe has saved my life at times. like this woman has been there for me. she's had hard conversations with me. I've had friends who've tough loved me. but I've had friends who say we can't. until you do x y and z. I've always been shown love and support. but the thing about. addiction or just life in general like. you gotta want something for yourself. like I had so many. things happen where you would have.

thought I would change I've had I tried. to change for boyfriends I tried to. change for my mom I tried to change for. my career I tried to change for vain. Reasons I'm like well I'll look younger. and be skinnier I'll stop drinking for. that none of that [ __ ] works I had to. and wanted to get sober January 2nd 2022. because I said I deserve more I deserve. more out of this life. I have to try it a different way and I.

have to be willing. to just commit to it. you know because binge drinking I would. be sober for three months then relapse. be sober for a week relapse and I never. the really crazy thing is I never let it. get in the way of my job because my. career has always been so important. but. when I'd go home at night. it would just be like so dark and I'd be. so in my head about it but. I it would be so dark I was thinking.

then because my business partner. described it as he there was a pain he. was trying to escape which we just never. realized he had a pain in his in his. life in his mind I would find him. downstairs through him in the morning in. the laundry room with the lights off. drinking I thought just he just loves. alcohol right that's what people think. or like oh you like to party yeah. exactly but but I came to learn that. there was a pain he was escaping that he. hadn't addressed yes is that the same in. your situation where there was an. unaddressed pain or issue that you think. you were using alcohol as a Escape.

mechanism for yes definitely I mean. alcohol isn't the problem the problem is. this feeling inside of me alcohol was. the solution you know for a while it was. my solution I'm like oh I don't have to. think about being good enough or or. whatever the problem was like it worked. for a really long time until it just. left me feeling depressed anxious lonely. just worthless but there is a big. misconception about. people who.

struggle in this way is that oh they're. weak they just can't not do it or they. like to party or. they just like booze it's so much more. than that and. um yeah for me it was definitely old. stuff old feelings pain I I do think. that like I said I would have struggled. with this no matter what I did for a. living but I think. finding success at an early age and the. people pleasing and and and trying to be.

what people wanted me to be made me feel. like a fraud right because like now I. can show up exactly who I am and share. my story and to actually be able to talk. about this. is so freeing because it doesn't. it's not like I'm it's chaining me down. anymore like it it takes the power away. from it like I can be Lucy which is not. always cute at times you know like it's. dark and disgusting and scary and that's.

what makes us all complex amazing. beautiful human beings is we've all got. this Shadow Self. and were you happy in that chapter. that's 16 to 19 chapter. was I'm like um I'm getting a big. paycheck I'm happy I'm. no like that's not real happiness you. know you. I had told myself the lies of. you're happy or I felt guilty for not. being happy because how could I not be.

happy I have x y and nobody wants to. hear about someone in my position being. unhappy right like let's just be real. nobody wants to really hear about that. but. at the end of the day I've had to allow. and I believed that too I ran with that. Lucy you don't deserve to be unhappy how. dare you feel these things but now I. know I'm a human being. and. Everything's Relative and I. it's okay for me to have these very. human experiences.

and I found the people in my life that I. can talk to about it and. um was I happy I had moments of being. very happy. um but not like this not like this um. wherever I'm at in life right now it. feels peaceful. which I used to call boredom I have. moments where I'm bored I'm like ooh. what kind of fire can I start today but. then I I ran that back in. you know I never really usually pick the.

chocolate flavored heels my favorite are. the banana flavor I love The Salted. Caramel flavor but recently I think I in. part blame Jack in my team who's. obsessed with the chocolate flavor heals. I've started drinking the chocolate. flavor heels for the first time and I. absolutely love them my life means that. I sometimes disregard my diet and it's. funny that's part of the reason why I've. had a lot of guests on this podcast. recently that talk about diet and health. and those kinds of things because I am. trying to make an active effort to be. more healthy to lose a little bit of. weight as well but to be more healthy.

and the role that he all plays in my. life is it means that in those moments. where sometimes I might reach for. you know junk Foods. having an option that is nutritionally. complete that is high in fiber that is. incredibly high in protein that has all. the vitamins and minerals that my body. needs within Arm's Reach that I can. consume on the go is where he always. been a game changer for me quick word. from one of our sponsors I've got a tip. for all of you that will make your. virtual meeting experiences I think 10. times better as some of you may know by.

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technical experience on a laptop so if. you've got an event coming up and you're. thinking about doing it virtually check. out blue jean studio now let me know. what you think because I genuinely. believe I know this is an advert and I'm. supposed to say this but I genuinely. believe it's the best tool I've seen for. doing really immersive simple but high. quality production virtual events Pretty. Little Liars yeah 20 years old yeah you. were doing another show right called. privileged yes privileged yeah and they. canceled that show. and that led to you being cast for.

pretty little lies yeah which is pretty. amazing because the universe is yeah. yeah rejection can lead to redirection. that is there's a really cool story. there so I did this show called. privileged they canceled it I was. devastated. and the same producers said hey we have. this script. it's based off of a book we think you'd. be great for it and they said it's. called Pretty Little Liars and I'm like. ah I was such a huge fan of those books. I read the script.

and it was the first time I had ever. been offered something. and so we get this offer but at the same. time so at this point it's just a pilot. and no one knew. what the success of it would be but at. the same time I got that offer I got the. offer for something else which was like. a really. I don't remember what it was called but. it was a really. shitty TV movie that I don't even think. did it get made yes it did get made. and I at one point was thinking I want.

to take this movie because there was a. really cute guy attached to it you can. see where that's where my head was at. was let's choose a part because of a. cute guy. and then it was almost overnight where I. just woke up the next morning and said. you know what no because I would have. had to choose between the two. that I think I should choose to show. well thank God. thank God but but it is such a great. example of how one door closes another. one opens nothing is by coincidence in.

this life I firmly believe that I think. that everything. happens exactly how it should. and like having an open mind and seeing. the lesson and everything. [Music]. um makes for a happier life too but. yeah it's crazy to think about that time. and now I mean pretty little lies became. in your own words the biggest show in. the world at one point yes I mean I. think. I mean if it's one two or three I mean. it's still the outcome is still the same.

that your life. irrevocably changes. from that moment onwards. um. for better and For Worse one might. guess. I think. if you tell me why on both ends of that. yeah okay. I mean I. it was a dream job like I could. I I now had the success I had wanted and. the notoriety I felt valued and.

appreciated and uh. um on a super in a superficial way for. bits and moments there were times when I. thought my ACT there were times when I. didn't feel like I was being utilized in. the right way I'm like I have so much. more to offer please let me you know. there are other characters in the show. that I wanted I wanted to be doing the. things they were doing but there were. times when I I felt like I could really. show. off my talents I guess. um I mean it it was the launching pad.

for my whole career and and it's taken a. while outside of that show to get people. to see me in a different light and I. knew that when you're a part of. something that's that big people are. seeing you every week like people still. call me Arya on the street you know I. knew that it was going to be strategic. moves for years to get people to see me. in a different way and I feel like I'm. at this point now where people are. giving me those opportunities but I've. worked really hard for that I have taken. a bunch of different types of roles and. different types of characters post that.

to get to like show to show myself but. also to show everyone like I'm not a. one-trick pony and I want to be doing. this and if I'm uh lucky enough to get. to do I hope I can do this the rest of. my life but um. it it helps me hone my craft. I. the fact that that show went for that. long is almost unheard of. like that just doesn't happen anymore. and I always laughed because there was a. couple people on the show where it was.

their first job ever or their first. audition ever and the show went for that. long I'm like this is not normal by the. way but it but. it also posts that show because I've had. some. I don't want to view anything as a. failure but I've had things that were. maybe. viewed as failures post that and it kind. of. which I'm also grateful for because it. it gave me perspective of. you know life is full of ups and downs.

and it will always be that way no matter. where I'm at in my career like people. aren't always going to like me or like. my work. every job I do is not going to be the. one that changes my life. um and I've also realized like that's. not where my happiness comes from. anymore my happiness is not going to. come from. I love what I do and I find so much joy. in it and I love creating and I love. acting in a really new cool way the last. couple of years but. it's always going to be a roller coaster.

when we have those successes in life. when when the dream we have is realized. we I think before that we have an. assumption that it'll fix a bunch of. stuff right so that's we aim for it we. strive for it we get there and then in. some way it fails it makes you feel. worse yeah yeah so what didn't it fixed. everything everything it fixed literally. nothing if anything like there were more. problems it like expedited the all of it. right because my life was under a. microscope and.

um I mean it definitely cranked up those. dials to 10 when it came to my. body dysmorphia myself my self-worth was. at an all-time low. um. I just didn't have the tools to how does. anyone navigate that experience I don't. know how you navigate that in a healthy. way. um and I look back now and I'm like okay. I guess I handled it in the best way I. knew how like I don't look back and. shame myself over it all it's kind of.

just like. I was a kid and I was struggling but I. was struggling publicly but no one knew. about it so that was almost harder. because I was like dealing with all. these big things. but I never wanted to talk about it. because I was so ashamed. and now I'm now I'm not ashamed of it. which is why I can talk about it but did. you talk about it to anybody behind the. scenes what you were struggling with no. it was pretty it was pretty private. because I didn't want to be different I.

wanted to blend in and if I talked about. having issues that made me a Target. I think people maybe knew of struggling. was there a Darkest Day a Darkest Day or. a patch where. you know I'm like where do where do we. begin uh interesting. um. I had many many what I thought were my. emotional Rock bottoms dozens. and so that was why it was so hard is. because I'm like Oh I thought we went to.

the depths of hell like how do we. possibly how could it be worse and and. from the outside that was was crazy no. one would have known so it was like I. was everything externally didn't match. what was happening internally so then I. just felt like a fraud I was like this. isn't adding up and it's not real and. it's not right. I want things to match up in. look the same I just felt like totally. undeserving of everything that was. happening. a Darkest Day. yeah I mean I had many.

but I'd always pull myself out of it. like if I have one thing I'm resilient. like I don't really give myself a lot of. that's not true I do positive. affirmations for myself all day these. days but but I know that my resilience. is what's. slingshotted me the other way did you. ever think about quitting. acting but during that period of between. 16 and 28 when you left oh yeah yeah. yeah yeah I seriously well not maybe not. seriously because I didn't know what.

else I was good at I didn't think I was. interesting I didn't think I was smart I. didn't like all of these things. I actually was like what would I do. um and so I I at times had the thought. could I do something else could I go. home after this. um but I never packed my bags or made a. call to someone and told them but but. but there were times in my. 20s where I was just thinking is this.

what I want to do but but then it became. about. it wasn't because I disliked acting I. loved it and I and I always knew I was. good at it but it was just how do I. manage my emotions and do what I love I. was like I don't know how to do that now. I know how to I mean I still have bad. days but I know how to handle it better. it's hard it's hard I I don't know it's. it's a constant. you know starting a new job. I really have to make sure I have my.

plan in place for what helps me feel. safe. do you have a plunder if you would have. been overall happier for the last 33. years had you not been an actress. I think about that all the time what do. you think the answer is no you think you. would have been happier no I I mean. maybe. I would have had longer periods of. happiness but I do believe that where. I'm at now what I've gone through to get.

the happiness I have now like this is. where I'm supposed to be and this is how. I'm supposed to feel. and I don't think I would have gotten. through that without the job I have or. the things I've been through. I know it sounds grateful to say I'm. happy that I struggled with addiction or. whatever it is but I am I I just think. that. in order for me to. feel whole and survive is to be creative. and I I actually.

crave creating and and and acting and I. and I was there have been moments in my. life where I was scared that oh my God. I'm gonna have to keep doing this and. not know if I love it. and it was I did this show and the. moment where it all like happened for me. was the show I did called Katie Keane. short-lived another short-lived CW. Series I did I've had three. shows on CW that only went one season. it's kind of a running joke no.

anyway whatever. Katie Keane New York it was the show. that made me fall in love with acting. because I. I don't I and I don't even know what. happened I mean it was a great show. great people so much fun living in New. York. but. maybe I stepped into my confidence more. I don't know I just feel grateful that I. can say oh God I like what I do because. that would be a bummer to like do all. these things and then say. and I could and that's the reality like.

today I could say you know what I don't. want to act anymore and I know that. that's an option and is and I know that. I'm lucky to know that I have options. like I have perspective on that too. but I also feel lucky that I do want to. wake up and say. I want to go I want to go act today I. want to go work with these people and. collaborate. um did you have a life throughout that. that pretty little liar was there a life. outside of the show was there no. relationships and oh yeah socializing. and tons of failed relationships no I uh.

yeah I had a social life. uh it was a lot of work we were doing. that nine months out of the year for. eight years but but yeah I I dated and. and it traveled and failed relationships. yeah oh yeah. yeah. I uh why did they fail I think. well some of them we were just young and. they're not supposed to work out but I.

do think. I you know and I'm very careful to not. talk poorly about. people ever. [Music]. um. and I do also realize my part of the. equation I'm not I've never point the. fingers and say this person like I fully. realize why some of those crash and. burned because it was. you know hurt people hurt people that's. like a classic thing uh I just think I. was maybe attracting people that were a.

perfect storm for my. new self-wife low self-worth chaos like. I was attracting. uh either people that had similar issues. as me and so it felt comfortable or it. felt like oh I can focus on. this issue or your issue and try and fix. them and try and fix them because it. gave me a one-up or you know have you. I'm sure you've read about like love. addiction like love avoidant love. addiction oh yeah like attachment Stars.

yeah and I always thought I was a love. addict. because I just wanted people to like me. I wanted this guy to like me and. everything would be fine. but the truth is I actually think I have. fallen more under love avoidant because. when people get too close oop they're. gonna see me They're Gonna Know Who I. Really Am they're gonna leave so I'm. gonna blow this thing up before they. leave me. but I can tend to fall into. love addiction Behavior if they like out.

avoid me does that make sense so if. someone is more avoided than I am. anyway so yes failed relationships but. but we the first model of love we learn. is our our parents no I totally get it I. I grew up thinking love wasn't safe or. safe thing or I thought it was prison. yeah or if love is this I don't want. that are you kidding me so I never. really had a model of what. a relationship should be.

and and I. maybe because my parents got divorced. and I spent more time with my mom that I. was drawing in more people who were. similar to my dad you know there's that. element where are you now with my with. my dad with you with my relationship. yeah with on that journey of like. understanding love and how to form an. attachment with someone in a healthy way. yeah with the right person. I think. the only if I you know I'm single now.

but the in order for me to want to be in. a relationship. it goes back to like meeting me where. I'm at and what by that I mean like I oh. I think that the type of relationship. I'm seeking out is with another person. who is whole and doesn't need me and. doesn't need this relationship to give. them an identity. um and I think that that is. where people thrive is when people have. really gone Inward and know their. strengths and weaknesses and know what.

they have to offer and are willing. to grow and heal and evolve and. and I've never had that like I've never. had a relationship that felt. safe or like I could really show up as. myself. um. I do think that you know being sober is. really important to me and like that's. my number one priority because I know. that when I do that everything else is.

fine so I'd love to find someone who. has an understanding of that element of. my life too I mean I'm so open to it and. ready but I also am not desperate for it. like I'm not needing because I like many. people used men and relationships to. fill a void like it's easy to get. addicted to people too and that's. actually the easiest it's like oh I have. a really cool new boyfriend like I can. focus on this for a year and not focus.

on what I should be focusing on. um and now I just. yeah I just feel open and. whatever. is coming my way I'm ready for it I. really believe that. um life after Pretty Little Liars yeah. you referenced this earlier I I can't. imagine the situation where something is. everything it's nine months a year. working when you're not working you're. doing interviews about the thing. everyone stops you everywhere you go to. talk about it it's it's all consuming. and then.

it ends yeah it was. weird it was weird and bizarre and scary. because that level of notoriety and fame. success whatever you want to call it. that is not really sustainable and will. I ever reach that again in my career. maybe who knows I don't know but if I. don't it's okay but because it was here. for so long for most of my 20s and then.

when the show stopped and. things did shift like. I wasn't getting certain calls like I. wasn't being invited to certain things. people move on quickly right like people. just love content like they will move on. to a new show and and it was so scary to. be like where where do I forget fit in. do will people remember me and it's like. chasing this. high of whatever that experience was and.

then I came to realize like that's so. exhausting like I feel like I'm okay now. if I were to just do jobs under the. radar for the rest of my life you know I. like I said I mentioned earlier like. having a couple of failed experiences. post Pretty Little Liars like really. gave me. kind of grounded me in. in a cool way I feel like I needed that. um was it you described it as a dark. time that the post PLL pretty little.

lies yeah um phase of your life yeah and. that's because you've got like. I guess maybe you've got a I'm assuming. here but you've got to re-find out who. you are again outside of the show. it was that it was like. am I going to work again you know I. think we not we are I've had some. conversations with people in this a. similar position where. I wanted to work but you didn't because.

people only want to see you as that one. thing and I. I'm also grateful for that period. because then that was when I got to. discover who I am outside of that who am. I outside of my job who are you. who I can say. that I. I've always wanted to. lead authentically and to show up. however I am at any given moment.

whatever that looks like and I have not. been able to do that until recently I. feel like I am confident in what I have. to offer I'm comfortable with who I am. I'm a good friend I'm loyal. I'm honest to a fault. if you're in my circle have your back no. matter the situation I talk about the. hard [ __ ] I lead with my heart. I Believe In Justice more than anything. even if it's like I see someone cutting.

someone in line like that's not right. I'm passionate as hell. and I do believe my intentions with. people are good and at the end of the. day I can sleep at night really well. because I like who I am. and it's just as simple as that I like. my choices. but as you say that's been a journey. right. yeah yeah you used the word earlier use. the word compassion to describe. you know you talk about that like. in a child work that you've done yeah.

um. how do you feel about that person that. you that went through that Journey what. would you say to that person if they. were sat on a chair they were on a third. chair on this table yeah what would you. try and I uh I've actually done that. exercise where you write a letter to. your younger self. and um. I feel I feel so badly now that I. shunned her and like didn't I'm gonna.

talk about myself. as a her and me this is me younger me is. her. I didn't give her a chance to speak up. like whereas now I'm like what was. hurting you so bad that you needed to do. that like I kind of give her the stage. to talk about her feelings. and I really truly believe that I was. handling it in the best way I knew how. at the time now I would handle it. differently because I have the tools I. have this like spiritual emotional tool. belt that if I'm feeling sad or whatever. I'm like okay we'll do this.

but I didn't know I didn't know any. better and I was doing the best I could. and I am proud of. that. of my younger self because we went. through a lot like more things than I. could ever possibly say in a podcast and. so many people don't even know about. that part of me but it was. hard and dark and maybe I shouldn't have. even gotten out of it and I did and.

that's so cool and I feel Brave and. courageous and. and I know that I went through those. things to talk about it why else do you. go through [ __ ] like you're you're. supposed to share your experiences. because it will reach someone. and um. I just compassion is the perfect word. for my younger self. when we I'm talking in hindsight we. often create the impression that.

and I do this a lot that everything is. great now and that's just like not the. nature of life right life continues to. be a roller coaster. um what are the things now that you're. still you still work on oh boy I'm so. emotionally impulsive and responsive. like because I'm so. I guess the word is passionate but I. I really sometimes it's hard for me to. see all sides of the coin and like see.

someone else's perspective I and I work. on that a lot. I. I don't have. all the patients in the world. but I I struggle with what people think. of me a lot I struggle with. what am I doing why are you here what. are you talking about like those that. that inner critic is loud sometimes.

um. it's it's really what have you done in. terms of you know you struggle with what. people think about you sometimes you've. got like. shitloads of followers. you know you've got a lot of people that. are giving their opinion on you at all. times. [Music]. what have you done in terms of practical. steps to protect yourself. um well I've read somewhere that you. went you did like a rehab like a digital. rehab at some point in your life I mean. I do my own version of digital detoxing.

which is simply it's not the first thing. I look at in the morning I don't grab. from my phone and I turn my phone on do. not disturb at like seven and I don't. look at it until the morning unless it's. to text Kate over there. um but I were you addicted to your phone. I'm still addicted. it's nuts I'm like yeah I can go without. getting Wi-Fi on this two hour flight. cut to me putting in my credit card info. it's so and it's this need it's not. to to know what people are thinking of.

me but I am addicted to being available. all the time and that and I feel we're. all guilty of that like just being glued. to this phone and. texting back immediately or I don't feel. the pressure to. like socially like on social media I. don't feel that pressure to need to. always be present anymore. um a lot of times in my career I have. felt like it's expected in that. can feel a little draining Because.

unless something feels authentic I don't. want to do it like I don't want to have. to do it I feel like I'm at this point. now in my career where I don't need to. so I kind of just do what I want which. is nice and freeing. um but I do think it's important to. disconnect and that looks different for. everyone. um. 30s I'm in my 30s as well. congratulations thank you yeah it's nice. isn't it it's nice it's really nice yeah. 20s is always well for me it was a bit.

of a mess uh so trying to figure. yourself out and you know dealing with. all these emotions and trying to. whatever but um. in this next chapter of your life. what are you manifesting for Lucy. I mean here's something I've been. working on recently because I am truly a. believer in creating the life you want I. believe our thoughts are powerful our. thoughts create everything but I think. where I've gotten stuck or in trouble or.

where a lot of people might be stuck is. that we you know we manifest a person a. job whatever but then we hold on to. tightly of to the expectation of what. that is. um so it's like now I'm at this point. where I want to. manifest specific things but be okay if. it doesn't work out exactly how I think. and kind of looking at it as being kind. of neutral with life it's just like. living freely like going with the flow I.

don't typically go with the flow I'm not. a go with the flow kind of gal. um but I you know my priorities are a. little different now like I do want a. family I think recently I'm I decided I. do want kids. I have two lovely dogs my goal now I. want to farm with goats and chickens and. so many dogs. and I just want to keep. you know I can say so many things about. my career and if I'm lucky enough to. work and create and do all the roles I. want to do like that's freaking amazing.

but mainly I love. discovering more about myself and why I. am the way I am and why people are the. way they are like I think this whole. journey of self-discovery and. self-healing is one that's constant. there is no end goal. and I'm just going to keep it's a. marathon not a Sprint so I just want to. keep. on this really beautiful path. then I'm on. you proud of yourself yeah. yeah. and it's not.

for the reasons you might think I mean. if I'm proud of. my work ethic and and the things I've. accomplished but I'm proud that I've. faced. what I thought were my worst fears. about myself I am proud. of how I show up every day I'm proud of. how we treat people I'm proud of having. this conversation with you I just knew I.

was like okay well I'm not gonna have. any expectations about what this is. going to be I'm just going to follow his. lead and you. present such a safe space and I'm. grateful that you allowed me to. be myself. I'm going to ask you a really. interesting question I don't think I've. ever not gonna cry again what is wrong. with me okay go ahead. okay. why does that make you emotional. because I don't really I I feel like I.

I think it's because I am proud of. myself I think it's because I don't. always have these conversations or I. haven't always shown up. how I want to show up. I cry because. this is just who I am today I'm a weepy. emotional version of myself and. you spend a lot of time acting right. yeah literally yeah.

it's so I've come to learn so much from. doing this this um this show about the. negative effect of prolonged periods of. living outside of yourself and what I. mean by that is like the authenticity. like the the damage that does to one of. escaping yourself for whatever reason. whether it's for success or work or. whether it's trying to escape some. trauma or some some other thing that's. living deep with inside of you but. either way the attempt to escape. yourself through creating an identity or. alcohol or whatever it always seems to.

just be such an unsustainable it's not. painful process that causes more harm. and even more reason to escape yourself. paradoxically exactly. um. and that's really transparent in your. story because if for many reasons. obviously but but also because of your. you know. that's the job the job is to be. you know uh someone else yeah yeah quite. literally yeah but you know also no. wonder I got into my line of work. because oh I don't have to figure out.

who I am I can do all these things and. be all these people people want me to be. that's why I got away with it so long. and then I was like oh The Jig Is up we. gotta discover who I am it's gonna be. hard and scary. but. yeah. we have a closing tradition on this. podcast where the last guest asks a. question for the next guest. do you speak to yourself. the way you speak to those that you love. that's a really beautiful question. um.

I'd say about half of the time now I do. I really feel like I show up for my. friends. and I'm a words of affirmation gal like. I always let people know I'm grateful. for them and I'm just like a lover you. know like I want people in my life to. know I love them and I. but I can also have like a venomous. tongue sometimes like I'm not to. yourself to others some it's like I can. emotionally respond to people in an. unkind way but I always.

hold myself accountable so to answer. that question I can be very kind and at. times unkind to the people I love the. most and it's similar to myself the the. cruel inner critic self-critic. I. I I only do to myself and you know I'm. still finding ways to quiet that voice. but I have made it a habit to say nice. things about myself and.

and it feels silly sometimes and a. little like not egotistical but like. saying kind affirmations to yourself. feels really. bizarre at the beginning because we. almost think it's unhumble or does that. make sense like uh but I. yeah I take time out of my day to be say. cool things to myself kind things to. myself as well but. um but I'm still working on the voice. that's. not so nice.

speaking of kind things um. also never asked anybody this question. before but um seems quite relevant in. your story because I was just reflecting. on that story you told about your mother. appending her life to come to LA with. her her teenage daughter to pursue her. her dreams when you when you look back. on the journey you've you've had so far. what who if there were like you know a. couple of people that. you you wanted to say thank you to even. though thank you would never really be. enough. to explain the Gratitude you have for. them who are those individuals you can.

include yourself if that's relevant at. all. um. I mean. definitely my mom but I tell her this. all the time thank you uh my manager who. I also tell all the time. thank you. she. my I would not be where I am personally. or professionally without her and she's. gone well beyond being a manager she has. been the most humankind patient gracious. selfless woman to me when she didn't.

have to be. um. it's hard for me to choose this because. I'm such a I tell people all the time. because that's how I receive love is. like I want to hear it so I always make. it a point to tell people I've I've been. so lucky along the way of having people. that have been very good to me but. um. there's one. woman in particular who. is still a friend but her name is Joanna. Garcia she's an actress and she was.

number one on the call she lead of the. show privileged I did on the CW and I. remember. how she so num so for people that don't. know number one on the call sheet is. kind of It kind of goes in from biggest. role like lead to. there are no small parts but you know. what I'm saying she was the lead of the. show and she treated everyone with such. kindness and Grace and. and I remember and she was so good to me.

and I was like I want to be like that. that's the kind of number one on a show. I want to be not even more than that. that's the kind of person I want to be. she knew everyone's name. and. and she had such an impact on me and I. don't know if I've ever. actually told her that. that she is still someone I think about. it's almost like what would Joanna do I. could still I could wear the what would. Jesus do bracelet what would I want to. do. uh.

and it's people like that I've been. really fortunate with the people I've. worked with in my life that have. inspired me so thanks Joanna leaping. back to the start of this conversation. um it was really startling to me that. you hadn't had many conversations. like this before it like really baffled. me it's actually the thing I was saying. before you arrived because I go on. YouTube I go on whatever and I'm so. superficial I'm so tired of talking. about my beauty routine I could just die. like I can't do it anymore but it was it. was so like I was literally over there. watching a video where it was like.

when's the first time you had a cup of. coffee do you remember the one and I. mean. also I just. yeah I mean no I don't because they all. kind of blend I mean it was like a. buzzfeed thing where they're asking you. these questions. I just found it so surprising that you'd. never really. never really got to know who who Lucy. was. and I think and I'm grateful no one's. asked a lot of these questions before. because I don't think I was ready I. don't think I knew how to answer them.

so. I uh I feel similarly like I feel like. there's so much more to me that. people might realize or that I have to. talk about. um. but I do believe in the timing of life. and I just maybe I wasn't. quite ready to answer those big. questions Lucy thank you so much you're. amazing thank you so much for this thank. you. [Music].

you got to the end of this podcast. whenever someone gets to the end of this. podcast I feel like I owe them a greater. debt of gratitude because that means you. listen to the whole thing and hopefully. that suggests that you enjoyed it if you. are at the end and you enjoyed this. podcast could you do me a little bit of. a favor and hit that subscribe button.

that's one of the clearest indicators we. have that this episode was a good. episode and we look at that on all of. the episodes to see which episodes. generated the most subscribers. thank you so much and I'll see you again. next time.