Life Changing Lessons From 100 Of The World’s Greatest Minds | E104

wow. we've now recorded more than 100. episodes of the diary of a ceo. and i've had some of the most amazing. inspiring and life-changing. conversations with some of the world's. most accomplished experts business. people psychologists athletes you name. it so this week we're going to do. something a little different. something many of you have requested for. a long time and something i've always. wanted to do. this week we're going to look backwards. this week i'm going to share with you. the key moments the actionable. life-changing epiphany-inducing moments.

from the last 100 episodes that had a. lasting impact on me. that changed my life. so without further ado. i'm stephen bartlett and this is the. diary of a ceo. i hope nobody's listening but if you are. then please keep this to yourself. we hear this. phrase. a lot which is find your passion yeah.

and i almost feel that it's it's in many. respects quite harmful because it that. question is kind of loaded it it assumes. a singular passion for a star it assumes. that you can discover it like an easter. egg and then and also um the the context. in which that question usually sits in. it implies that once you find it. then it's you know then it's the the the. it's a can of unlimited like happiness. and orientation forever and then that's. yours and it i just feel like sometimes.

language can be harmful because it. it simplifies very complex things and. sometimes multifaceted plural things you. know so i wondered if that you know that. phrase uh find your per find your. passion was. something you um you felt similar about. or yeah yeah i do i mean yeah it's true. that passion can be a significant. multiplier of human potential. so you know people are passionate and. engaged in a business they can direct. their energy in a in a worthwhile. meaningful manner so so so it's it's. worthwhile but you're right but um.

there's a big difference between passion. big difference between happiness and joy. some are in the moment at home i think. joy is in the moment and i think. happiness is something um that we. continually continually adjust towards. um your passion can be a significant. multiplier of human potential. particularly in the workplace so it does. have a place it is something which is. useful to understand and it ultimately. it always comes down to personal. introspection and self-awareness for me.

and i think that um we need to work. harder at understanding ourselves and. when we are constructing a mindset which. is conducive to performance. so we optimize our potential when we're. in a particular state of mind and that. state of mind might be passion it might. be relaxation it might be enthusiasm. might be enjoyment but we need to almost. get to know ourselves and know that um. there are certain things which enable us. to do others and once we work backwards. and understand what that looks like.

maybe we can gain some more consistency. i say to a lot of sports people and to a. lot of business people that consistency. of mind gives you consistency of play. and i'm convinced of it and the more. consistent we can be in our thinking. we understand um the building blocks the. component parts to success yeah the more. success we can have. and how does one establish consistency. of thought um because i completely agree. with that i completely agree i've seen. that in my own life when i've been. consistent with my thinking i've managed. to you know perform the same habits.

every day um but then sometimes i'll. lose consistency in my thoughts because. i lose um. [Music]. i lose i guess i lose attachment or sort. of my anchor with my my why yeah and i. talk a lot i've talked a lot in this. podcast over the last couple of weeks. about this realization i've had this. year with the gym which was every year. february march i was incredibly. motivated to go. i was fired up trying to look good for. summer yeah and then obviously once you. look good and summer has ended.

it's almost like you've lost your. anchor right so like you get into. september and the why which made you go. and to think consistently every day. has been has evaporated and i'm tr i. can't get myself to go to the gym in. october right do you know i mean i. always think that consistency of mind. comes from understanding the intrinsic. quality of our decision-making processes. and i say that a lot to people in sport. and in business so yeah you can make a. good decision and have a really bad. outcome or you can make a bad decision.

have a good outcome and this is why i've. worked with leadership teams who have. confused luck for genius made really bad. decisions with a great outcome you know. markets have changed competition's done. something something's just worked in. their favor um so um this is really. important for us to not judge our. decision making by our outcomes. and we often do so we'll say this is a. good decision because it resulted in. this or this is a bad decision it. resulted in that and we can only. understand the outcome retrospectively. so it's wrong to measure our decisions.

by the outcomes and we need to go back. to how we made a decision in the first. place and once we start to understand. the intrinsic quality of our decision. making process we can become more. consistent in how we make decisions and. therefore have more control over those. outcomes so i think that you know. two things i think that and then we'll. use you as the example here steve. that consistency of mind will come from. knowing how we make decisions i don't. understand that we put. our weight into evidence how much we use.

prejudice and bias and opinion whatever. it might be but let's understand how we. make decisions and in that way we can be. consistent in um how we apply our logic. and thinking and feeling to try and. determine some best outcomes and then. the other thing and um as you've just. positioned is reframing. let's stand back and create some time. and space to understand and um you know. why we do things and why we don't do. things. now i always say that um the people are. most successful and i've had a pleasure. working with six sports people who got. to number one in the world i can.

guarantee you one thing i had in common. was that. um they um they never made big changes. and um it was small changes so i'm a big. big believer in the one degree of change. if you take two parallel lines and you. move one by one degree it may not seem. much at first but it's a really big. difference between where you start and. where you end up. so um everyone's trying to you know make. a dramatic change and see change from. tomorrow i'm going to be different i. think it's about doing something a. little bit more than what we've been.

doing it ratan a bit more consistently. and then the other thing with these. people who obtained you know what i call. um super achievements at home so they. did really really well um is that they. actually worked on their strengths they. started to understand what was good. about them and do that some more so we. think to be better as human beings i'm. gonna be better as a business or a team. of people we need to fix our weaknesses. um i'm not sure that's true i actually. think it's more about understanding our. strengths and playing to them so. i've actually worked with teams before.

in business and in sport who have. actually weakened the strength by trying. to strengthen a weakness. if you think about it it's ridiculous. and actually weaken the strength by. trying to strengthen the weakness we. need to be careful so i think. understanding what's good about us. understanding you know where our. behaviors come from in regard to the. thinking before it and then reframing. some of those words and pictures and i. guess that's what you've done with your. gym example because i guess change some. of the words and pictures in your head. to therefore feel differently which has. resulted you in acting differently yeah.

and i really you know i was i was. valuing intensity over consistency and. intensity wasn't sustainable right so i. was going through the summer like to the. gym two times a day i was starving. myself like eating things that i i. didn't want to necessarily eat yeah and. the the consistency came from being a. bit more um realistic with myself being. like you know if you miss the day of gym. it doesn't matter you don't have to. perspective yeah perspective isn't it. yeah and i think do you know it's funny. because again so many sports people have. worked with and business people who will.

lose perspective they'll lose the. tournament and it's dreadful you know. win a tournament i've i've made it you. know it's just turning point for me now. they win a big contract you know in. business and you know this is us now. we're set up you know or they lose a. contract and um life has never been so. dreadful. um but i think that we need a better. perspective on things so their ability. to think more long term term to be more. forgiving you know to understand with. more um reality at uh what's good and. what's not so good um it's probably the.

way forwards i want to talk about. failure yes now. which seems like a good thing to talk. about and in your book philosophy you. you list. seven. failure principles. number one. failure just is failure is a fact it's. inevitable it's going to happen to all. of us no matter how much we try to avoid. it i guarantee that it will happen and. that can feel scary but it can also feel. liberating because once you've accepted. it as a fact there's no point in trying. to avoid it so you might as well take. the risk. so acceptance of failure starts with the.

observation of it. failure is a fact but how you respond to. it is within your control whether you. decide to feel like a failure for many. years after the thing that's happened or. whether you think to yourself okay well. that's taught me something and i'll do. it differently next time. i guess the risk there is. one bad failure people stop trying. exactly and then i i was thinking this. is very similar to confidence in the way. that like if you have one bad failure. your performance next time you get an.

opportunity if you actually don't manage. to just avoid it completely will. probably be worse because of nerves and. that you know the memory if i'm terrible. and yeah and then that's going to. increase your chances of failing again. and then the kind of like self negative. reinforcing cycle kind of continues and. you your confidence and your sort of. yeah your guts kind of cascade downwards. and can for some people work in the. other direction where you have a success. your confidence builds you walk on stage. to do that you know public speech next. time around with a bit more confidence. you do a better job which increases your.

chance of success and it cascades. upwards. about how failure works from your. experience it can work like that i mean. to take the example you've just given. one of the ways of looking at that if. you're then stuck in a downward cycle. and you're failing and you're trying the. thing is that you're therefore in the. wrong situation so you're in the wrong. workplace for instance that that isn't. generous enough to like. make you feel okay after your failures. or doesn't make you feel like you can be. your true self in which case i would. argue you need to remove yourself from. that situation and find the place that. does suit you.

or it can be a question of mindset and a. question of applying that mindset that. we've just talked about which is okay i. failed i'm feeling in a downward spiral. how much of that is fact that's a very. difficult thing to do on your own when. you're a very low ebb and that's why i'm. a huge advocate of therapy and again i. know that i come from a privileged place. where i can afford therapy but even if. it starts with. reaching out to your friend and talking. about it or reaching out to your work.

helpline and talking about it or. texting shout the mental health charity. or calling the samaritans that's. a really valuable step. and the other thing that i would say. there is that i'm very aware that my. definition of failure. which is what happens when life doesn't. go according to plan. has a fatal flaw. which is that sometimes there are. failures that are totally cataclysmic. that we couldn't possibly have predicted. that go against any plan whatsoever like.

a global pandemic. like. a terrible illness that you contract. like the death of a loved one. it would be monstrous for me to sit here. and say. those failures are as easily assimilated. or learned from or dealt with as fading. or driving tests and so i'm not saying. that at all. those kind of failures will require a. process. of mourning and coming to terms with the. thing that you've lost. and that's absolutely right and as it.

should be. my only thing is the way that i choose. to live my life is. i mourn but i don't have to constantly. relive the pain i can still feel sadness. about something but i don't need to live. in that place of reliving it constantly. becoming a victim yeah. and becoming defined by that i can. choose to be defined by something else i. can choose to be defined by my response. to it. i can choose to find some kind of.

meaning in something that was. meaningless at the time. and that's how i choose to live my life. because that makes it less sad. and i and i think that that choice is. available for most of us so point number. two in your book is you are not your. anxious brain i think you've talked. about that i met this man called moe. gowda he used to be the chief business. officer of google x but he wasn't happy. and he has a lot to say about. expectation versus reality so if we can. manage our expectations of life so if.

they're equal to or less than our. perception of events and how they turn. out then we can be happy or contented. and. he was the one who really brought it. home to me that we are not our worst. thoughts. that our thoughts are produced by our. brain as organic matter in the same way. that blood is pumped around our body by. our heart like. we wouldn't think we were defined by our. blood so why would we think that we are. our thoughts. actually. as you know the premise of all. meditation is that you can observe your. thoughts who's doing the observing.

that's you that's you. why would you need thoughts. like. you don't need to communicate yourself. so your thoughts are just being produced. by your brain constantly. and i found that really helpful the idea. that. once you realize that. you can train your brain to think. differently. and to replace negative thoughts with. positive ones as much as you're able so. he gave this incredibly moving example. his son ali died at the age of 21 during. a routine operation.

and in the aftermath of ali's death moe. would wake up every morning with tears. streaming down his cheeks and his first. thought would be how he died. and it was. an unbelievably oppressive. grief-stricken thought and after a few. more weeks of it he was like i just. can't live like this i can't live like. this. and so he challenged his brain to come. up with a different thought. and each morning he would wake up and he. would still think ali died and he died. and he'd still be crying but he added. something to that sentence and he added.

yes but he also lived. and in that differently expressed. sentiment was 21 years of memories of a. father and son who were best friends and. that was what enabled him to carry on. living and if he can do that in that. situation i sure as hell can do it when. someone criticizes me on instagram. it was a really helpful lesson. almost everyone feels they have failed. in their 20s so i think that a lot of. people struggle in their 20s. particularly in this day and age because.

of the curse of comparison and because. we live in a culture of curated. perfection where you're constantly. comparing yourself to your peers. filtered appearance on instagram and the. life that they seem to be living so. we're comparing our insides with. everyone else's projection of their. outside exactly yeah and for many people. although i know not you but for many. people it's the first time that they've. come out of full-time education. and come out of a system of exam and. reward exam and reward and there is no. exam that you can sit to show that.

you're being a good grown-up so you feel. quite lost plus piling on top of that. the pressure to find your passion to. like make a career for yourself but also. to earn enough to pay or rent. living in house shares like just trying. to make your way. and trying to forge your identity. in this day and age it's just so hard to. do all that at once and then you're like. oh and i should be having like a. thriving personal life and i should. either be in a long-term relationship or.

having one night sounds and making. footloose and fancy-free and drinking. roads and then at the weekend making. vegan brownies because i got to watch. what i eat and all of that sort of stuff. and it's. exhausting and so really what i wanted. to say in that failure principle was. that so many people come on podcast and. say that they feel they failed at their. twenties and i think a lot of us fall. into the trap and i did too of believing. that we had to have our life sorted out. by then and actually your twenties are a. decade of transition of discovering who. you are of grinding up the spices of.

life in your pestle and water and the. older you get. my experience has been the more you know. yourself and the more you know what you. want to do and that's where success lies. i've had so many more opportunities. after leaving my 20s behind in the. rearview mirror. wow. when we choose to share our. vulnerabilities is when we feel most. satisfaction. most connection i think is what i said. well i don't why is it so satisfaction. on my own i like that too because you. probably do feel personal satisfaction.

it's like but when we choose to be open. about our vulnerabilities that's. paradoxically when we find the most. strength and the source of the most real. connections with other people amen yeah. and that's something that i have. genuinely learned through the podcast. the first season of the podcast i did i. was very much i came from a very. traditional. newspaper journalist background so for. me it was like i'm interviewing. my guest i will ask the questions and i. will listen and then i would ask another. question and it was only as time went on.

that i felt more comfortable. sharing my own experiences and whenever. i did that i had such an incredible. like feedback. loop of like just. amazing people sharing their stories and. their vulnerabilities and also saying. that they felt less alone because i. shared mine and really that's what my. entire life is about ultimately. is. connection and so. i really want to encourage people not to.

be scared of opening up about the things. that they perceive as their weaknesses. because so often what you think of as. your most personal shame turns out to. have most universal resonance. and that was certainly my experience. talking about fertility and miscarriage. and divorce like actually. that's where i've had. the greatest impact i think and i'm so. grateful for that. why do you think that is why do you. think vulnerable in terms of like why it. has such wide resonance why do you think.

that is. because i think that when we're. vulnerable we're being real. and we're letting our masks slip and. you'll see a glimpse of who the. authentic person is and there's. something. just. absolutely quintessentially human about. that so it's a human recognizing another. human. it's a human recognizing another human. beneath the pretense and i think it also. reassures people because as we've been.

talking about. in this culture that we live in which is. so defined by social media. and how you appear and the. currency of perfection again it's such a. relief it makes you feel like you can. breathe and someone's like oh god i'll. tell you about today i sat in bed in my. pyjamas eating hummus direct from the. top because i felt really down that's an. act of singular generosity to someone. else who can then have the space to talk. about how they're feeling and that. brings us to the topic of mindset really.

nicely you know i've heard you talk. about having a growth mindset and a. fixed mindset what is the difference. between the two. so i think for thank you for what it's. worth i think this contrast is is so. important i mean i can talk about it. through my own life but. you know in a fixed mindset people think. that success however defined is all. about talent. having the gift. having the genetic inheritance and or. you know having the personality trait in. order to excel. a growth mindset is saying okay talent.

obviously matters it's a factor. but it's not enough it's what we do with. our talents. so people in a fixed mindset have two. massive risks one they think they're so. talented they don't even need to try so. think of a young person who's just been. um invited to join the manchester united. academy and they're suddenly getting. money into their bank account they're. able to buy the fast car and they think. i'm god's gift and they and the amount. of academy coaches who have come to me. and said we don't understand it we had.

this hard-working youngster we invited. them into the academy and then they just. went off the rails it's a fixed mindset. they think their success is assured so. they stop putting in the hardy arts and. don't transition into the first team so. that's one danger the other danger. is. people who don't think that god's gift. but like me at goldman sachs you make. one failure and you interpret that as. meaning i obviously don't have talent. therefore i'm just going to give up. you see what i mean yeah so that's the. negative version yeah so you've got the.

i'm super talent is everything. and i've got it so therefore i don't. need to try talent is everything i don't. have it therefore i should give up. they're both terribly. uh damaging i think a growth mindset it. doesn't mean that we think we're all. going to be the best speaker in the. world i wasn't the best table tennis. player in the world i never got into the. top 20 of the world rankings but with. that attitude i maximize my own. potential i'm very intrigued as to um. you know some certain people in our. society. are more self-believing than others um. you see differences in um.

genders and races and and backgrounds. and i think a lot of people in my dms. and this is where the question comes. from i have so many young kids in my my. dms that are struggling with. confidence or. lacking self-belief. and i wondered if you had any words of. wisdom for those in my dms that. can't find confidence and self-belief. i. think for what it's worth. um. that self-belief self-esteem.

other things are that kind of overrated. um and the reason goes back to something. we said earlier i mean there was a. movement in the 70s and 80s in western. education. to build self-esteem in young people and. the way to do it was to let them succeed. all the time. right so you won't remember this but it. would you give them easy tests. get them to pass. and give them lots of and then praise. them for how super talented they were. they get all this self-esteem and they.

can change the world people were so. worried about undermining self-esteem. that there were no losers in sports days. at some schools i don't know have you. heard of this. everyone's a winner yeah ever gets a. sticker you know and that was all about. building it was called the self-esteem. movement right but it failed and the. reason it failed. is because. people would keep succeeding and you. know they'd get all this self-esteem and. then then they'd be given a difficult. test. right or they would leave school and. they'd actually hit the real world where.

they would fail and what happened. all the walls of their world would come. crumbling down oh my goodness i've never. felt before right self-esteem that is. frag and people would protect their. self-esteem by not trying new things. right. and and that's a disaster self-esteem. can be very fragile i i like to talk. much more about resilience. we want people we i want my children to. be resilient to try new things to mess. up. but not to be devastated by it. and that i think is a much better quote.

now it may be that when people are. talking about confidence what they. really mean is resilience i want to be. able to walk into. to a room give it my best shot things. don't go slightly wrong i'm going to. carry on regardless every person who's a. success. has had some really tough difficult. moments. and i just think that's an inevitable. part of learning how do we build. resilience in ourselves growth mindset. is very strongly related to it so. instead of um you know for parents out. there i don't you probably have a very.

young audience i'm so major but but uh. the parents out there it's very easy to. praise young people for their talent. you're super talented they've just drawn. a picture you're super talented you're. the next picasso you think they're going. to develop all this self-esteem. the problem as i've said is that you. know the moment they draw something that. isn't picasso as soon as they get. negative criticism oh my goodness i'm no. picasso after all. um much better thing to do is to praise. them for the effort. or the process well i love the way that.

picture that the colors fit together. they think oh right if i want to develop. as a painter i have to make the colors. fit together in a more sophisticated way. you're aligning. their mind and motivation with the. journey they need to take to fulfill. their potential so it's good experiments. praising for effort praising for process. is a much more um positive thing than. praising for talent and fixed attributes. it's interesting because in my company i. came to learn that um the most effective. way to get my teams to innovate was to.

praise them for the effort and the. process as opposed to the outcome. because if it became about the outcome. the successful failure of the experiment. then um which is largely actually. outside of their control right when. you're doing so if i say to my team. right we're going to build this website. and we think it's going to do this. whether it does that or not whether. there's product market fit whether it's. a success or a failure isn't actually in. their control the bit they can control. is starting doing it and the process of. getting to the point where we press go. live. and so we what i learned in the last.

year of my business was we would. celebrate the um conducting the. experiment not the outcome of the. experiment. exactly right actually that is exactly. the same thing and it's interesting that. if you look at r d you know um have you. had a six sigma yes yeah so one of the. things i mean one of the big master i. mean six sigma is a great process you. know like lean manufacturing or. um. your toyota pro things of that kind it's. basically squeezing out variation. isn't it. so if you imagine making a car.

or you know manufacturing car all it. takes is one component in the engine to. be of the wrong size or specification. and the whole thing won't work so six. sigma is about delivering and executing. with no variation. but when you're innovating you need. variation you need to try new things if. you're trying to create a new computer. program a new website or a new drug and. you don't know which combination of. ingredients they're going to create you. need to try lots of combinations if you. penalize people for failure oh my god.

and you're only judging them on the. outcome. and it fails and then they're like. stigmatized they will never try. you need you know that's where failed. fast cars. yeah you've nailed it that's exactly the. insight that i think is is important for. some people that's terrifying yeah the. thought of like. throwing themselves into that place of. uncertainty that they have to travel. through before they get to their new. self how do you get someone to come. willingly into uncertainty to leave that. job or to you know take on that. promotion or to.

pivot in their career when they're. scared of. the unknown or you know it's like well. then i would think about what i would. think about rather than what i'm afraid. of i'm thinking about what i'm excited. about. and so rather than i'm afraid of what. i'm going to leave behind or i'm afraid. of what might happen i'm expecting more. about. what could happen and when we focus on. what we want and what we could have and. you know it's it's optimism isn't it. it's about what's possible. and what could i achieve you know and. you asked me earlier about you know some.

of the things about sports psychology. and visualization was one was a massive. technique really that i learned from my. sports psychologist and employed and. still use all the time and i think when. you can start to visualize. what that new role person. identity could be. and when you bring it to life with all. of your senses. and see it really vividly then that's. exciting. and what what could i achieve and what. could this look like.

and. and the power of visualization is that. your mind. does when it's when you see it really. vividly your mind doesn't know the. difference between a vividly imagined. experience and a real life experience. what's your process for visualization. and now is it something that you do. actively you set time aside and do it or. is it just something that you. naturally now do. when you're. pursuing a goal so a little bit of both. as an athlete it was definitely. something that i would sit down usually. i'd be lying on my bed i would have done.

some relaxation because the more we. clear our mind and relax the easier it. is to visualize and to see really. clearly and so i would it would be a. conscious right i'm going to spend the. next 15 minutes or even two minutes or. five minutes or whatever time i had. visualizing my next race and seeing. myself execute that race plan as. perfectly as i can and in exactly the. right way and i would visualize. everything from um. if it was. the olympic discipline and we've got. nine boats on a start line i'm seeing my.

i don't know which lane i'm gonna be in. when it comes to race day so i'm seeing. myself racing every lane i'm seeing. myself with with the headwind with a. tailwind with it raining i'm seeing. myself [ __ ] up the start because that. might happen but then i just going to. recover from it and i'm going to see. myself recover and i'm going to see. myself win from behind i'm going to see. myself win from the front i'm going to. see. imagine. you know they'll start being delayed or. it's a full start you know all these. eventualities. so that when it comes to the event. i'm prepared.

and it can just all unfold and i'm not. phased by anything that happens but but. most importantly i've seen it happen the. way i want it to happen and then i. believe that it can happen and what. visualization also does is when we when. we're visualizing a goal for example it. starts to activate the subconscious. to generate creative ideas about how we. can achieve our goal. it's it's it's my i don't know how it. works and why it works but it's. mind-blowing and it does work and it.

starts to um. get your brain to perceive and recognize. the different um. resources that you need. to achieve your goal it's like the law. of attraction and it starts to activate. that in your life and bring in the. people the resources the environment the. circumstances that you need to achieve. your goal and so. now. what do i do i probably i do spend some. time. consciously going right i'm just going.

to spend two or three minutes. visualizing my goal i'm seeing it happen. i'm seeing it realize. um but then other times i'm probably. just you know driving in my car and. subconsciously you know like daydreaming. almost but i think the the conscious. right i'm gonna visualize now. is really powerful. because then you start to. really it starts to ingrain in the. subconscious. quick one i talk to you guys about huel. a lot so i'm going to do a quick.

intermission to tell you about a bit of. a change that's happened in the last two. months in my life as you guys know my. favorite heel product historically has. been the ready to drink which is these. bottles here they are nutritionally. complete however recently since huel. introduced the heel protein. this now plays a huge role in my diet. the salted caramel flavor protein from. huel which is only 105 calories and has. 26 vitamins and minerals and 20 grams of. protein. um serves two rolls in my life now first. thing i do when i wake up in the morning.

is i have a glass and then at night time. after i've been to the gym straight. after the gym i have a glass it tastes. amazing if you're going to try it follow. my instructions here. get a couple of cubes of ice put it in a. blender put on the salted caramel. protein and it tastes like a delicious. smoothie i've already gone through one. tub of this i'm actually on my second. tub and i've got two more tubs to go. before i'm gonna reorder more but. genuinely the salted caramel flavor. maybe because i have a liking for salted. caramel for me has been a game changer.

professor steve peters steve's invented. this groundbreaking concept called the. chimp model and it focuses on how. there's these kind of three parts to our. brain the first part is called the chimp. which is our sort of desire to be. impulsive and irrational and emotional. and short term the second part is what. he calls the human and you'll hear him. talk about this which is logical and. rational and thinks in terms of facts. and thinks things through in the long. term and the third part is what he calls. the computer which is our set of core. values and beliefs i wanted to talk.

about exactly that topic which is like. managing your emotional reactions. um across different facets of life and i. think. um. i'll go let me just give you an example. of a situation that i went through that. i've read about in my book so. i'm just going to be completely honest. because that's what i tend to do on this. podcast um i broke up with a girl and um. like two days later i found out that. she'd slept with somebody else and when. i even though i'd broken up with her. when i when i read the message that. she'd slept with somebody else. my brain yeah.

revenge. message her to destroy her life. that's what my brain said to me but i. um and and i'm at a place in my life. where i feel quite. secure in my self-image let's say i. don't feel particularly insecure i'm i'm. i'm a confident person but even i. couldn't seem to get a grip of my own. desire to react emotionally in that. situation. um and really interestingly as well it. was actually my friend calling me i went. to the gym i thought maybe i'll go to.

the gym and that'll like clear my head. it was my friend calling me and this i. don't know where this fits in psychiatry. but my friend said to me steve just. remember. you broke up with her she's probably. doing this to um make herself feel. better and to you know rebound or. whatever but um that was one of those. key moments where i was like god like. the damage you can do if you don't know. how to control that like primitive urge. to just bruh. okay you've covered a lot of ground yeah. that could be an hour's work here so i'm. going to take it back and try and go.

very steadily to try and drive home. there's a lot of areas one is first of. all what would you expect somebody's. mind to do. confronted with the same situation what. would you expect them to do. probably the same exactly so nothing. abnormal happened there wasn't a problem. yeah you're saying this is absolutely. healthy. and normal but maybe not helpful yeah. and what you really said because you've. told me this if it wasn't a problem to. you you wouldn't have mentioned it so. clearly your human brain is saying i.

don't want to get revenge that's not. what i want what i want. is to just be calm and collected accept. the reality of it and move on. unfortunately we have to learn now how. the mind works. so it's like saying you went to the gym. so therefore you're a fitness man if i. said to you right i've never been to a. gym for 30 years i'm going to go tonight. and at the end of the day i'm going to. be super fit. and you laugh because you know that's. ridiculous it's not the way the body. works so we have to now look at another. aspect so now we know it's normal how.

does the mind work when we get a really. nasty shock and something which is. devastating so the. the reason that chimp is there and the. reason we're here. is for us to be safe and present the. next generation to the world that's what. the chimps agenda is so what happened. there is the generation that you thought. you were going to get was taken away. from you so this is devastating so we. expect you to be devastated. we also expect you to accept the mind is. going to now grieve and it will take. approximately three months give or take.

you're talking about heartbreak here. yeah you've got to grieve yeah so the. mind has a rule on the way it deals and. processes grief i can't speed that up. so if some like if i meet you that night. and i say right i'm going to get you out. of it i'm going to fail because you have. to go through these ripples and and work. it through so your human brain can do it. in seconds because that's logic she's. gone she was dishonest it's a good thing. she's gone now no more wasted time yep. that's easy but our the emotional chimp.

brain has got to process it it cannot do. it overnight so you've got to now allow. around a 12-week process and you're. going to go through various stages. of grief in the loss of what is a very. significant relationship and on top of. that there was another insult it wasn't. just she said it's not for me she slept. with someone else so that is really. going to get your chimp you know we. expect it now to be devastated and your. chimps reaction some people wouldn't. but it's common that it wants revenge.

it wants to say right if you did this to. me you're going to suffer now. in reality what you've just said by your. nodding is that's not what i want i just. want to move on and accept it wasn't for. me she did what she did that's her. problem not yours. and what your friend did is start to try. and turn it round with some facts to. calm your chimp down and say because it. always looks to the computer let's look. at reality and the reality is if i said. to you. um this girl is going to come back into. your life and they'll bring all that. pleasure you used to have but she's. going to have affairs every few weeks is.

that what you want no no see you did. break it up. you know so you just try and look at it. in a different way and say let's look at. the reality and the facts of the. situation but you cannot stop the. grieving you can't stop the yearning or. the bargaining because guys in the. opposition often go back and plead and. then she'll say i made a mistake and and. then you have to make a decision. you know and then they'll bargain again. and then if you go through that you're. going to disorganize stage. but this can all be circumvented if you.

suddenly met somebody new your chimp. might recover very quickly is that what. tends to happen well unless we know this. is the rebound right so this is never a. good thing okay i'm sure some of you. listen to going i have married the. person i met on a rebound so of course. it's all probabilities but generally. speaking you need time to get over this. gather yourself so you're in a good. place when you do meet somebody else to. have a good relationship. that's interesting so it's quite complex. the whole thing so yes rationally we can. pull you along but we've got to give you. a lot of tlc and that should go through. grieving don't be harsh on yourself and.

what your experiences are totally. natural unhelpful but natural so many. people are going through a grieving. process in it could be a significant. life event it could be the loss of a. partner at the death order is there. anything in psychiatry from your. experience that can. okay that process is unavoidable but is. there anything that i can do to help. that process be easier. yes there is i mean one is understanding. it as you say if you start to go through. this and say to people like this is how. your mind has to do this.

and like you tell me in the gym you. laugh i can't do it in the night well. how long and you still it's a bit of a. piece of string but roughly speaking if. you keep going regularly two three times. a week maybe three months six months. you're going to see a difference for. sure and it's the same with me. explaining the mind i would explain to. people that we go through a grieving. process you are likely to experience the. following emotions or stages in the. grief process but you are unique and. everybody grieves individually so it's. very important as i said earlier i don't. have a process uh you know like a recipe.

and say this is what we're going to do i. work with you as you grieve but i want. you to get insights that's the key so. the work i do is giving understanding. and insight and then applying this so. you learn the skill of managing your. emotions and the skill of understanding. the skill of mind management that's what. i'm about teaching a skill base so you. can be independent of me but use me as a. fallback. on that on the point of rejection which. we talked about a second ago is it the. stories that i then tell myself about. myself which impact my self-image that.

really hold that hurt me the most. because it feels like when you go. through emotional sorry romantic. rejection or heartbreak it feels like. um even if you it it's not the sort of. like front of your mind. the fact that someone didn't want you or. they were they wanted someone else. makes yourself tell yourself that you. are not good enough not pretty enough. not smart enough you weren't enough and. it feels like so much of the hurt and. the pain. lives inside that story you're telling.

yourself about yourself and again if you. stop and we'd look at what you've said. there. are these factual statements or are. there impressions and feelings. impressions and feelings so we know that. the chimp brain is in full flow now yeah. so what we're saying is don't quench. that it's not wrong. it's expressing and it's like as i said. you've got this best friend so if this. happens to me i now said what is it. you're telling me and you'll go through. all this you know it's the end of the. world and you know clearly no one's ever. going to love you and and then we sort.

of counter it by saying well let's look. at that so we start to rationalize and. that can help the grieving process. because we start saying well let's not. just sit there with these falsehoods. let's challenge them and let's replace. them with truths not brainwash it's no. good saying for example say i'm your. best mate and you've just fallen apart. and you say it's because i'm ugly it's. no good me said no you're really. handsome that's not. that's an impression again from me what. i'd be saying is let's look at facts if. we look at people in relationships do.

people find a partner eventually and the. answer is most people yes so the chances. are very high and if you can get through. this. will you eventually get back on your. feet is there a future. yeah yeah there always is a future there. always is a future even for people in a. much more serious situation where they. become. suicidal and obviously as part of my. work. you can tell them with honesty there is. always a future and things do change and. feelings do move. so when you start giving these facts and.

rationalizing the facts of the situation. that is going to be powerful for. starting to settle your emotions. but giving falsehoods. you know i know you can do it or you're. that's not going to set your trip. there's street wise yeah yeah so you'll. just keep agitating whereas if we talk. facts. then it'll settle but again there's a. key point here. we have to find the facts that resonate. with you as facts. because if i said like i just did will. you find another partner what's what's. the general rule if you said to me yeah.

but i don't believe that everybody does. there's no point me forcing this truth. on to you i'd have to look for others. that might resonate with you yeah such. as if i go out and actually start. socializing when i'm ready then the. chances are i'll increase my probability. so that gives me a bit of hope you might. work with that yeah. so you've got to find what resonates. with the person. and again that's why i don't have this. recipe i'm saying discover them but. think around but you can offer common. things yeah.

super interesting and it again it. perfectly explains why in that moment. for some bizarre reason my friend. telling me being very sort of rational. with me things that i genuinely did. accept to be true. just completely diffused my brain. because he's acting effective as you're. human yeah that's what he's doing he's. coming in rationally and stepping back. and saying let's look at the facts here. yeah and he's hit some nails on the head. where you think oh that's settled me. down a bit yeah so but what tends to. happen is. you tend to isolate yourself most people.

do this after this has happened and they. go within themselves and they engage. these emotions which generates more and. more falsehoods and distorted ways of. perceiving themselves and the world. instead of being able to which is not. easy talk to themselves rationally. and preempting things like you know. let's work with reality it's not easy to. do that so when you can't do it it's not. a failure you turn to your best friends. and they'll do it for you. so what is the cause of unhappiness as. you see it especially if you're building.

sort of machine learning applications. that are gonna. you know. um solve you know make people arrive at. contentment or happiness in a. personalized way we must be able to know. what's causing this lack of. allow me a bit of time to explain it. because it it's simple when we get it. but it's not simple to get to it so so. happiness is very predictable okay if. you look back at any point in your life. where you ever felt happy there is one. commonality across all of those moments. that can actually be documented in a. mathematical equation okay.

you've never felt happy. because of a specific event in your life. okay. take for example rain. rain doesn't make you happy or unhappy. there is no inherent value of happiness. in rain okay. rain makes you happy when you want to. alter your plants and it makes you. unhappy when you want to sunbathe right. and so it's not just the event rain it's. the comparison between the event. and an expectation in your mind of how. life should be okay if you're worried.

about your plans then life should be. generous to me and get me rain so i can. water the plants and if life does that. then life meets your expectations and. you're happy okay and so happiness in. that sense becomes equal to or greater. than so it's really mathematics that. your perception of the events of your. life minus your expectations of how life. should be. okay and apply that to anything apply. that to anything so you know my favorite. example is nature. we're all happy in nature why are we all.

happy in nature i mean you go out there. and there are ants and there are flies. and you know trees are crooked and there. are you know shrubs everywhere and. bushes and it's just really not that. hedged and organized but that's what we. expect. so you know nature's. chaos is what we expect nature to be and. so we feel happy you know nobody ever. sits in front of the ocean and says i. like the view but please mute the sound. okay you just take it you know it's it's.

the monotonous sound and the view and. the wind and and the sun and the whole. experience right. and because of that. uh happiness becomes. very different than what was defined to. us okay what was defined to us is that. happiness is found in. a. gathering at the pub or a party or a you. know an activity or some kind of. pleasure or fun or elation or whatever. that is that's not at all true these are.

i call these the state of escape okay. happiness as per the definition of the. happiness equation is events equal to or. beating expectations life going my way. okay and so basically happiness is that. calm and peacefulness you feel. when you're okay with life as it is. it doesn't really matter what life is. okay what matters is that you can be. okay with it. right so so you take you know. any example if your boss is annoying. and your expectation is yeah bosses are.

annoying this is what life is about they. become bosses because they're annoying. right and and so if if that's your. expectation you're going to look at it. and go like yeah i need to learn the. skill of managing annoying bosses okay. and if that's the case then you're not. going to be upset about it. similarly anything else if you look at. it then it's not just the event. it's your perception of the event so you. have a uh something to influence it's. not just the event your partner might.

say something hurtful on friday at 4 p.m. that's the event my partner said. something hurtful at sunday morning you. tell yourself he or she doesn't love me. anymore okay that's your perception of. the event that's not actually the event. the event is something hurtful was said. but your perception of the event is your. work is your it's your brain adding. color to it and then you compare that to. your expectations right you compared my. boss is annoying too my boss shouldn't.

be annoying where did you get that from. right so we blur the happiness equation. we break the happiness equation because. of what i call the six and seven. okay six grand illusions and seven blind. spots. which are the six grand illusions are. basically. uh call them pathways. that the modern world teaches us to. navigate the modern world that our. illusions are not true okay. take for example control. everyone knows that to succeed in the.

modern world you have to learn to. control certain events right. so you start to believe that the way to. succeed in life is to control everything. but the truth is even if you go down to. the basics of physics that we never are. in control. that the absolute design. of nature itself of the universe itself. is entropy and chaos right that's the. actual design and so if you try to. control it you're bound to be. disappointed a lot of events are gonna. miss your expectations okay and yes i'm.

not saying don't control anything at all. but start to understand that you're. you're going to be selective because you. have a finite amount of effort and by. the way even if you're selective and you. you try to control everything sometimes. things will fall out of control if you. live your life through the illusion of. control. good luck finding happiness so six grand. illusions the illusion of uh of thought. the erosion or the illusion of self the. illusion of uh knowledge the illusion of. time control and fear okay now that's.

one side and that disrupts your your. entire view of what to expect from life. because you're expecting. life to behave through a length of a. lens of an illusion the other side of it. is what i call seven blind spots okay. and the seven blind spots are not. really defects in your brain as a matter. of fact they are the very design of your. brain okay your brain is designed to. tell you what's wrong. okay it's not designed to you know if a.

tiger shows up right here now. my brain has no. use whatsoever in telling me oh my god. look how majestic that animal is right. yeah it's a beautiful animal but my. brain will say we're gonna die okay and. we're gonna die is the idea that. basically makes our. uh our brain constantly look for what's. wrong blur the events of life you ask a. mother. and and she will say oh my daughter's. been sick all winter you know she just. had two episodes of flu three days each.

but to the to the caring heart of a. mother that needs to be exaggerated to. the exaggeration is one of the blind. spots. your brain is trying to get you to take. action so it pushes you. it pushes you by exaggerating the event. a little bit so that you jump in and. take action and accordingly the event. you're comparing to you're comparing the. wrong event to the wrong expectation and. the happiness equation falls apart. under all of this you're inferring. something which i think will annoy a lot.

of people and that is that happiness is. a choice. and that you you can choose to be happy. and that if you're unhappy and really. for many circumstances in our life day. to day and work and love in. relationships. personal responsibility is the. is the answer and entirely on you and a. lack thereof is the cause absolutely you. know what you just did you've just lost. us 88 of the audience to tell someone. uh it's your responsibility to get.

yourself out of this horrible place that. you're in. is quite disturbing because we like the. idea of saying no no hold on no no it's. not me. life is treating me really badly that's. why i'm not happy okay i can't do. anything about it life took my son you. know life took my son i have the right. to be unhappy yes life took your son. that's true and you have the right to be. unhappy but you're never going to get. out of unhappiness if you wait for life. to bring him back or you wait for life. to correct its action okay the only way. you can come out of unhappiness is if.

you choose. and say okay it's going to be a long. journey it's gonna take a lot of time. okay and i'm gonna try and try and try. but i'll get there. and neuroplasticity proves that. neuroplasticity basically tells you that. if you just. run a happiness kind of activity once a. day every day your brain will be better. at it. and i mean please don't get me wrong but. what do most of us do every day we watch. negative news we swipe on toxic.

positivity and we're just drowning. ourselves in negativity and then what. happens. what happens is we become really good at. being negative we become really good at. finding what's wrong with life become. very good at you know getting pissed off. with the prime minister right because. it's an activity we do on daily basis so. your brain goes like this must be. important for her or him okay i'm just. going to make sure i have the neurons. aligned around that and so you're. basically we're basically configuring. our brains to be unhappy and and that is. the kind of neuroplasticity that we need.

to shift. you know if you if you go to the gym. and. lift weights every day you're going to. look like a triangle if you squat every. day you're going to look like a pair. okay the same is happening inside your. brain you just don't see it if you're. constantly watching you know news media. right. you're literally building your muscles. that are concerned and are. you know. critical and are worried about the world. when in reality most of the time you. can't do anything about it.

there's something in there which is. clearly a theme in i think three topics. we've touched on which is this theme of. like radical acceptance oh absolutely i. mean this is what i call the jedi master. level of happiness so there are three. levels of happiness right i call it the. happiness flow chart. events are going to piss you off it's. just the truth. if you can manage to acknowledge your. emotion and say oh my god i feel so am i. angry is this anger i mean this is this. what i'm feeling and then and then you. take that feeling and you say to. yourself okay interesting.

i am angry i need to do something about. it i will give you three steps okay the. beginner's level is. ask yourself if what you're thinking is. true. your partner said something hurtful on. friday your thought is he or she doesn't. love me anymore okay ask yourself if. that thought is true if it isn't drop it. there is no point to be unhappy if it is. then let's go to the black belt level of. unhappiness which is can i do think. something about it.

that's the second question is it true is. question one can i do something about it. this question two right and oh honestly. by the way it doesn't take more than two. seconds. to feel the emotion ask yourself if it's. true and then go to say to to uh to can. i do something about it and if yes then. do it what are you waiting for text him. or text her and say baby can we please. talk over dinner what you said on friday. hurt me. okay instead of just banging your head. against the table hoping that they will. find out and come and say oh i'm so. sorry you know i i i was teaching this.

this story really hurts me i i was. teaching you know when before lockdown i. i taught a lot of people in workshops. and seminars more than 20 000 people one. one day one of them comes to me in the. first break and says what are you. talking about what do you mean happiness. is a choice you have no idea what. happened to me. okay and i said okay and she said when i. was 17. she was 74 at the time. can you believe that. 57 years of holding on to one thought.

hitting her head against the wall. right and i hugged her i hugged her i. cried and i said did it work. did all of that work. or was the better thought. okay it was horrible. but can i do something about it okay and. that's question number two. that's black belt sometimes however. there's nothing you can do about it. whatever she experienced could be. irreversible what i have experienced the. loss of ali is irreversible there is.

nothing you can do about it okay and i'm. not asking everyone to get there quickly. but the jedi master level of happiness. is to say okay. it happened and i have no choice to. change it there is nothing i can do to. fix it so can i accept it. but not surrender and lie down and you. know and die accept it and then start to. do something to make my my life better. despite its presence or maybe because of. its presence okay can i accept that ali.

died and start to spread his message so. that my life and the life of others. become better can i do that i call that. committed acceptance okay and it's very. simple if you commit and accept to if. you accept things you you can't change. and commit to make your life better. despite of or because of their presence. nothing can beat you. nothing can beat you and yeah does it is. it horrible that i actually managed to. move on and and you know. not hit my head against the wall for 27.

years. does that say i don't love ali what are. you talking about i do rally i cry about. missing him. still today right. it's not that it's there is nothing to. prove in that what what i can prove is i. love him so much. that i actually dedicate my life to. spreading his message that's so much. better. than sitting there and saying ah life. hit me i don't like life right. that's a six-year-old attitude honestly.

okay. adults will say okay. and especially business people i mean. your audiences huh. the market changes all the time do you. sit down and go like i lost another deal. or do you just get up and say. why did we lose this deal what can we do. about it. right and if if there is something wrong. with the product can we change the. product. right. well you talked to there about business. in particular rings very very true. because in business and you've been you. know very successful entrepreneur. yourself and worked with teams you'll.

get people who are. high in defaulting to logic in moments. of chaos and also default to personal. responsibility and those that don't yeah. and the outcomes of both groups are. quite predictable. very different and actually this this. approach of is it true. uh can i do something about it can i. accept it and and. commit. i learned that in business and it's a. very simple business approach now most. of us do that in business. but when it comes to our personal life.

we don't do that. and interestingly. most of us by the way who do that in. business are very successful in business. and most of us who do that in life are. very successful in life. it's not just happy it makes us makes us. successful because it doesn't waste our. cycles on things that are not necessary. so if you can do it at work do it at. home do it in your life do it in your. relationships it's really a very. straightforward flow chart. i hope you enjoyed that look back at my.

uh life-changing moments from my first. 100 episodes i've got to say november. december january we're publishing. the best podcast we've ever published. when i saw the guest lineup i genuinely. was like i looked at the list and. thought. how how is it possible that my idols. world exclusives people i've wanted on. this podcast since it began many years. ago have all decided to come in the same. month and honestly november and i guess. we're recording with within that month.

which will be published over the next. three months is the reason i started. this podcast and it's a real sign of. where it's going and the platform it's. become so. thank you for sticking with me it's. going to be one hell of a last quarter i. know that's going to change my life for. good that's for sure. and i can't wait to bring you more. people's diaries have a wonderful week. quick one as many of you know i've been. trying to make my life a little bit more. sustainable as it relates to energy ever. since i sold my range over sport and. bought an electric bicycle and my energy. as a sponsor of this podcast one of the. brands that make that transition much.

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