Jordan Peterson: STOP WASTING YOUR LIFE! How Eliminate Self-Doubt & Dark Thoughts!

Sometimes it can feel like men and women. in relationships want entirely different. things. Like they're struggling to. communicate and connect on the same. level about the same set of priorities. Jordan will now explain exactly why that. is. But outside of the context of a. relationship, all of us struggle in our. lives for a variety of different. reasons. And what Jordan's particularly. good at is telling anybody who's right. now listening to this that is struggling. in some way or finds themselves in a.

situation where they're struggling to. get out and climb out of that situation. step by step how to do that. How to turn. that situation into the greatest success. of your life. And that's why I loved. this conversation and why I think you're. going to love it, too. And before this. episode starts, I've got a 10-second. favor to ask you that are listening to. this right now. 62% roughly of people. that listen to this podcast haven't yet. hit the subscribe button. If you could. do me any favor at all, it would be just.

to hit that subscribe button. Helps this. channel immensely. And if you do that. for me, I promise with my team to do. everything we can to make this show. better and better and better for you. Do. we have a deal? Enjoy the episode. Jordan. We had a conversation before and it. reached tens of millions of people. And. as I went through the feedback and the. comments of that conversation, I found.

one that really stood out to me. Someone said, "I had just days of will left in my. body. I felt like a failure. I hadn't reached the potential I knew I. had in me. Despite effort, I couldn't become the. person I was so desperate to become. And then. I found Jordan. And his unfiltered words pulled me from.

my darkest moment just in time. Now my life is in my hands once again. And I've built a career and a life I'm. proud of. So thank you, Jordan. We may never meet, but you've saved my life and my children. still have their father because of you.". It is one hell of an impact. that you've had on just that single. person's life. How do you receive such. incredible.

feedback from a stranger you've never. met? Well, when when you were reading that, you know, I mean, it it's obviously a. very positive thing to hear, but. my mind immediately went to why that's. the case. See, I've been. in the fortunate position of being able. to synthesize. and then communicate a century's worth. of clinical. research and experience gathered by very. many extremely intelligent and careful.

people. And then on top of that, whatever I've managed to gather being. reasonably educated in the broader. sphere of the humanities and sciences, let's say. And the effect that. this individual is attributing to me is. a consequence of that, right? I've been successful because I've been a. conduit of good ideas and I have the. ability to synthesize a lot of. information and to communicate that to.

people in a way that's understandable. The. the person who made that comment, you. know, they were struggling for one. reason or another. And one of the things. you do with people who are struggling is. you make the simple even simpler. Because then they can get a toehold. You know, like if if they're really. barely able to move. I had one client, you know, he was uh he had a hard life, man. He was like 85. He'd fallen off a. ladder and broken his neck and they had. permanently fuse it, so he was basically. like this. He could hardly move. He was.

so depressed. He literally couldn't get. out of bed. You know, it was awful. And. he was in chronic pain because of his. broken neck. And so, you know, the first thing I did. with him was get him to sit up for like. 30 seconds. That was it. That's where he had to. start, you know? And after. I I worked with him when he was in the. hospital. After 2 weeks, he was walking. down the hall and able to sit up and. read for, you know, 5 or 6 minutes. And. he got out of the hospital. He went home. and. but he had to start.

with the simplest possible steps. And. Hey, man, you start this is the. definition of humility in some ways is. that you start progressing where you can. start. I think about this a lot because there's. a lot of people that are objectively or. subjectively down and out in their. lives. That's how they feel. And it's. often too intimidating to present them. with the idea of climbing Mount Everest. today, a proverbial Mount Everest. Like, "Just pick yourself up and go to the gym.

and work out. Right. And that Yeah, I know that's not. going to happen. It's like putting them at the foot of. Mount Everest, but the small commitments. we keep to ourselves are often really. undervalued because they seem so. trivial. Like you saying to. the casual contempt. That's another. aspect of that. Well, one of the really. difficult things to learn when you're. down and out is how far you're down. Because it's humiliating. You know, I. was ill recently and when I started to. recover, I couldn't really I I couldn't.

really button my shirts. I had to learn. to do that again. I did I had forgotten. how to put my hands on keyboard. I. didn't know where to put my hands. I had. to learn to type again. Now, I hadn't lost all the knowledge and it. came back quite quickly, but and the. reason I'm saying that is because. one of the impediments to people who've. really taken a blow in their life is. that. things have fallen apart around them so. badly that where they have to start is. humiliating even to consider.

The rule, it's pretty straightforward. rule when you want to get back on your. feet. And the rule is. you have to make the task small enough. so that you'll do it. No matter how small that is. You know, and that can. I've worked with people. I mean, one of. the things I've become well-known for is. my advice to start by cleaning up your. room. But I had plenty of clients who. couldn't. they couldn't go home and clean up their. room. They hadn't cleaned up their room. for like 20 years for all sorts of.

reasons. Maybe because every time they. did try to do anything positive in their. family, no matter what it was, they were. immediately punished and undermined. And so, if they even went home and dared. to start cleaning up their room, they'd. face resistance within the family that. was just a manifestation of the 50,000. times they'd been discouraged in the. past, but also a move that would upset. the insanity that characterized the. pattern of familiar interactions. So.

actually, when if they even made a move. to clean up their room, what they were. doing simultaneously was confronting the. dragon in the family that had made every. single person in that household insane. for like five generations. Right? So, it. looks simple. It's not bloody simple. And so, in a situation like that, you. cut it down so that maybe the first. thing they do is clean up like maybe. they look inside one drawer and see the. mess that's there and just look at it. for a minute and think about how they. might reorganize it if they were going.

to. When people are very down and out. and they decide to make a move forward, in some ways they're facing the whole. panoply of problems that confront them. in in the guise of that single problem. Right? It's all lurking behind it, right? It's like. you know, they see the tip of a reptile's tail. outside a gigantic closet, let's say. And they look and they think, "Well, that's just the tip of a tail. What harm.

can it do me?" But it's connected to the. whole damn beast. And the advantage to. that is that if you make that first step. forward, you're actually advancing in. the form of in the face of all that. opposition. The disadvantage is that. the first task seems so small that you. literally have to be on your knees to be. humble enough to lower yourself to take. that first step. You know, "God, is that. all I can do? I'm so useless.". You might even be more useless than that. because you might fail at it. I had lots.

of clients who would come back, you. know, we'd make a deal that they would. do something simple. I remember one. client, it's such a comical story in a. terrible dark way. You know, he was an overgrown infant. and he was 30. He was still living at. home in his messy, you know, high school. room under the thumb of his mother, conveniently for him cuz then he never. had to do anything. And he had. managed to entice some girl into. sleeping with him and she got pregnant. Now he's going to have a son. And he had. enough sense to come to me and say, "You.

know, I'm kind of a wastrel and I've. mucked up my life, but maybe I'd like. not to destroy this kid. So, is there. something I could do to put myself. together?" So, you know, we talked that. through. We negotiated, which is what. you do with a client if you're sensible, you know, you lay out the problem first. Okay, what the hell's wrong with you, do. you think? You have to listen and listen. and listen. While the person unfolds. everything that might be wrong. They put. all their cards on the table. And then. you sort through them and you think,

"Well, some of that if they'll figure. this out themselves. Some of that's not. really the central issue." And so, you. imagine they lay all the cards on the. table and then you kind of get rid of. 90% of them. It's a symptom. It's a. symptom. Yeah, yeah, it's it's it's it's. it doesn't really bother me now that. I've talked about it. That doesn't seem. key. I think I'm really done with that. That isn't interesting to me. But. they'll still have to lay it all out. And then you focus on the problem. And. then the next thing you think is ask. them is something This is great general. problem solving strategy is okay if this.

could be better as far as you're. concerned what would better look like. and then they have to lay their cards on. the table about that so you do the same. thing and now you have the diagnosis. that's the problem statement and now you. have a hypothetical. uh cure let's say and now you need a. strategy right and that would be the. steps in between the problem and the. final destination then you break down. the steps until you find the step that. they that the person will take and you. have to do that experimentally so the.

first step for him was. to vacuum the carpet in his in his room. and so this is literally what he did he. brought the vacuum it was a stand up. vacuum he brought that into his room but. he only got it to the threshold and then. he left it 45° across the door le. leaning and he walked over it for a. whole week. and so then he had to come back and tell. me you know and he was embarrassed he. said you know. I got the vacuum cleaner.

just to the doorway and I left it there. and then instead of bringing it into my. bedroom I just you know I put that an. obstacle in my own path and stepped over. it for a whole week it's a very. humiliating thing cuz he knew that his. life was on the line and he knew that. his son's life was on the line and he. knew that he was one useless bastard for. not being able to bring that vacuum. cleaner into the room you know but the. proper interpretation of that in part is. well you got the bloody thing out of the. closet didn't you.

you know so what we did was renegotiate. this is called technically this is. called collaborative empiricism it's a. behavioral approach for clinicians and. the collaboration is. well as I said what's the problem. diagnosis what's the potential solution. you the person has to be on board with. all this right I mean they have to be. the people who decide that's the problem. you can't enforce that on them they have. to discover it for themselves and the.

same with the solution and the same with. the strategies it's like I don't know. what's right for you I'll listen we can. jointly explore what might be the right. vision for you and then we can break. that down into a strategy but you you. have to be on board with the strategy. you have to feel that this is right for. you it's absolutely 100% crucial that. it's voluntary and then we'll say okay. well maybe this is a solution why don't. you go implement it come back next week.

after having attempted this let's see. how it went you know and sometimes. people come back and say well you know. that went great and it started me and I. did three other things and you know what. we seem to be on the right track and. sometimes they come back and say nope. that didn't work at all like with the. vacuum cleaner. and so then you have to think what you. do in that situation is make the task. smaller if you make the task small. enough. I've never seen anyone.

not be able to progress if they made the. task small enough but you know that can. be pretty humiliating now the upside is. that once you've take that first step. you've looked the beast in the face and. you'll start progressing not linearly. but exponentially in speed so what's. cool is that doesn't really matter how. small that first step is because it'll. start doubling and anything that doubles. grows unbelievably quickly and so that's.

a very useful thing to know too and that. that's true when you're learning. anything new it's like you you'll feel. like an impostor you'll feel like a fool. cuz you are and you'll think I'll never. get there and and it might be the. destination might look very distant but. if you take. a sufficiently small first step and get. the ball rolling. you can be cruising along at a pretty. good rate. generally faster than you'll think. what's going on in one psychology there. is it building evidence of your own.

capabilities and capacity. definitely what seems to happen when you. expose people to small but challenging. tasks it does two things it makes them. more skilled because now they're. actually dealing with the problem and so. they're acquiring the new perceptions. and the new behaviors that are mastery. so they're actually expanding their. domain of conceptual structures and. actions that's that's both conception. and skill but at the same time they're.

seeing themselves as the actors that can. change the direction of their life for. example when you do exposure therapy. with people who have phobias agoraphobia. is probably the best example so. agoraphobia is a condition where people. will become so terrified generally of. life that they they often literally. can't go outside their house if they go. outside their house their anxiety levels. climb to the point where they have a. panic attack which is like the complete. disinhibition of the fight or flight. system very overwhelming experience.

people will go out and they'll have a. panic attack and then they'll avoid. where they had the panic attack but then. the probability of the panic attack. starts to spread so that wherever they. go they have a panic attack and then. they end up stuck at home and it's quite. a common condition now the people who. develop that are generally women and. that's because women are more sensitive. to anxiety than men they're generally. women who had an over dependent. relationship with their parents maybe. particularly their father.

they're generally women who went from. their father to an to a boyfriend who. was either overbearing and. overprotective or who was enticed into. becoming that by the dependency of the. person of the sufferer and then so. imagine you're dependent young woman you. haven't learned to stand on your two. feet every time you had a problem you. were taught to seek authority you. sheltered behind the protective walls. that someone else had established for. you you married someone like that now. he's he died or you're getting a divorce.

or or so that wall is starting to come. down okay so all that existential panic. starts to rise you start panicking when. you go out and you end up at home unable. to move also thinking you're the only. person in the world who's suffering that. way and so what you do is you find out. you you you do a problem analysis and. you find out their core fears and what. agoraphobics are often afraid of. elevators and that's quite convenient. because. you know there are elevators everywhere.

so you can start having them confront. their fear of elevators so how do you do. that. well if they're really terrified. you say well let's look why don't you. come sit by me and and let's look at. some pictures of some elevators. and you say look at the elevator okay. now imagine being 20 ft from it how are. you feeling they'll tell you they're. nervous you know they're afraid they're. going to get trapped in the elevator. they're afraid they'll have a heart. attack they'll they're afraid that. they'll be in there with other people. who are watching them panic and have a.

heart attack and being humiliated so the. the two big categories of fears for. people are. like painful death. and then public humiliation and if you. have a really good anxiety fantasy it's. that you're going to undergo a painful. death in a very humiliating way and so. that's what they imagine happening in. the elevator so it's not exactly that. they're afraid of the elevator right. they're afraid of death and the. humiliation and the elevator is a portal. to the realm of death and humiliation.

it's like I'm afraid of an elevator okay. how afraid can you could you look at an. elevator from a 100 yd down the hall. well like. if it isn't 100 yd then 125 yd like. you'll find some threshold that the. person can tolerate okay so now you're. at the threshold where. their the magnitude of their confidence. is precisely matched with the size of. the apparent dragon right so and you.

they feel that it's like there's a place. where their fear will. they'll say that's close enough it's. like okay now you're on the edge you're. on the edge so now we'll dance on the. edge we'll move you a foot forward. okay so let's move a foot forward okay. anything that negative happening well. I'm feeling a little nervous okay well. let's just stand here for a bit keep. your eye on the elevator don't don't. hide cuz you can avoid by just not. looking we do this all the time we look.

away. and the bigger the dragon the more we're. likely to look away you know people. don't people don't like to look at. and you can understand why. people will avert their eyes from. atrocity. right and they'll certainly avert their. eyes from the thought that they could. participate in the atrocity. and you could think of that as the heart. of darkness it's it isn't because you. could look at the fact that you could. take glee in the commission of atrocity. and and no one wants to look at that.

well you start and you have to look at. that you have to look at that in the. final analysis. but one step at a time. you know and and you can do that with. any problem literally any problem break. it down break it down break it down. public speaking. anything. going to the gym anything anything a. small dose. you know a small dose and it's it's it's. so fun to do this with people it's the. same thing you do when you're when. you're. when you're encouraging your your young.

child and that's a primary source of. gratification for human beings is. putting someone on the edge and. encouraging them and so you do that as a. clinician so I loved being a clinician. because. it you know people say well how can you. you know how how do you tolerate. listening to people's problems well. first of all they're not your problems. You have to understand that. Because if they're your problems, you're. stealing that person's problems from.

them. You know, because you could come. to me, especially people who are. you know, very unsophisticated, they can. come and talk to somebody like a. well. experienced clinician, someone whose. breadth of knowledge exceeds theirs by a. substantial margin, and that person can. just give them advice. But then they go act out that advice, and then that's not them. They have to come to it themselves. This. brings me to a point about trying to. help people in your life. Because we all have people in our lives.

that are struggling in some way, and our. knee-jerk response is to get in there. and fix. Solve the problem. Yeah, this is a. problem that men often have when they're. dealing with women. Yeah, yeah. They. They leap to the problem solution phase. And they also do that in some ways to. avoid, and this is what annoys women, because what the women want, and they. don't even know this, but this is what. the women want. Women are more sensitive. to threat than men. Okay. So, they're looking for predators. Now, predation detection is a It's an.

intuition. Anxiety is an intuition. Something's wrong. Okay. What? Well, then you guess, right? So, imagine. the threat system has sort of got. something in its sights, but it's a a. sense that something's not right, but. it's not fully fleshed out the picture, because serpents are camouflaged, right? So, the threat is hidden. Well, what the. woman wants is to lay out all the things. that might be wrong. Okay, well, the guy.

doesn't want that, cuz first of all, you. know, maybe your wife is upset about. something in relationship to your. children, and she doesn't know what it. is. So, now she has to go through. everything she thinks that might be. wrong. Well, even for you to listen, that's going to. be rough, because some of those things. are going to be about you. And so, you just have to shut up, and. you have to let her put her cards on the. table, understanding. Now, she has to do. it in good faith. Right? She can't be using that. opportunity to skewer you. And so, these. things are tricky to manage, but you.

want to listen to her lay all the cards. on the table. Now, the advantage to that. is now you know where all the hidden. snakes are. Now, if you do that, what you'll find. out, and so will she, is that most of. the things that she's worried about, she's not actually worried about. She. won't know that until she lays them out. on the table and can see them. And then. both of you can triangulate to the. actual problem, and then you can. negotiate a solution and offer help. But. if you jump right to help, the reason.

you can't do that is because you you. probably have the problem wrong. Mhm. So, so then back to your question about. helping. One of the most effective things you can. do to help people is to listen. And. there are technologies of listening. And. so, the first one is. don't assume that either you or the. person who's talking knows what the. problem is. It's so hard. Once you have the problem specified, you've solved like 95% of the problem.

It's re That diagnostic move is really. hard. Are we sure we're addressing the. most crucial issue? You have to have. your sights focused right on the center. point of the cross, right? Like in a in. a gun sight. It's like, are we aiming at. the right target? And then you can start. negotiating problem solution. And so, so. it's but. you can develop the patience to do that. once you understand that that initial. act of listening is in itself the most.

helpful thing you can do. Just listen. And then. how do you listen? Okay, so if I'm. listening to you, there'll be times when what you're. saying doesn't make sense. And so, then I'll just say, well, you're saying this now, but you said this 5 minutes ago, and if. you listen a lot, you can learn to track. conversations across a very long span of. time, and that's quite fun. You said. this, but then you said this, and they. don't like they seem contradictory to. me. You're not accusing the person,

you're saying, I see an inconsistency in. the way you're formulating the problem. And they'll sort of startle a little. bit, and then try to rectify that. They'll check you out to see if you're. insulting them or trying to play a game. of moral superiority first, but if it's. just an honest question, then you're. actually helping them lay out a. description of the situation that's not. internally contradictory. Okay, so, and. the great podcasters do this. You see. this with Rogan, you know, all Rogan. does is ask stupid questions. Mhm. And. the way he does that is by consulting.

with his own ignorance in humility. Rogan is listening, he's thinking, I'm a. stupid lunkhead, and I don't understand. this. What do you mean? And they What's That's. brave, because he's exposing his own. ignorance, but it's it's honest, because. he doesn't understand, but it also. unites him with his audience, because. especially with someone like Rogan, the. probability at this time that if Rogan. doesn't understand. the gist of the conversation that 95% of. his audience doesn't understand is it's.

like 100%. The importance of listening. can't possibly be overstated. Listen, ask questions until you understand. And. by doing that, you also help the other. person clarify the situation. It is so. hard to do. And I think we have to just. pause at that step, because. it is as you said, you said like, that's. 95% of the challenge. It is so hard to. do in relationships, in work. I've sat. literally at this table with a colleague. of mine about a year ago, and she was. telling me, she works in one of my. companies, she was telling me that she's.

unhappy in her role. Mhm. And I remember. sitting here, and she gave me a bunch of. reasons why, and I kept asking and. asking questions. And after just 30. minutes of asking the questions, she had. decided that in fact everything she just. said was not the issue, and then it. related back to a much more fundamental. issue of just meaning. Right. Right. She Well, she she Okay, well, that's very important. That's very. important. Jung called that a. circumambulation. Okay, so, now imagine the threat system. is going off, right? Saying, something's. wrong, something's wrong. But it it's. just it's an it's a primordial predator.

predator detection instinct. That's. what's being triggered. It isn't. high resolute It isn't capable of high. resolution conceptual formulation, not. to begin with. Something's wrong, something's wrong, something's wrong. Okay, what? Maybe this, maybe this, maybe this, maybe this, maybe this, maybe Okay, now. what happens is the the maybes circle. and spiral, right? And as you lay them. out, you spiral inward to the gist of.

the matter. But you have to See, because. you could imagine, well, this woman is. explaining her problems to you. She's. talking about things about the company. and her relationship with the company. that might be unsettling to you. So, you're sitting there thinking, well, she's laying out her problems, maybe you're getting defensive. Well, that's not true, the company's better. than that, that's an unfair accusation. So, you're feeling on the spot. Plus, you want to jump in with your, you know, with your solution, because you want to. show that you're bigger than the problem. that she's showing, or maybe you're. secretly attracted to her, and you want.

to be a white knight. I mean, there can. be 50 things. You're sitting there. thinking about what you're going to say. next, cuz you want to play dominance, or. maybe you think that's what you should. do, cuz you're a boss, and it's like. there's a lot of things that'll. interfere with listening. But But so, you learn, you say, just. shut up, ask stupid questions until. really until the person that you're. listening to has specified the problem. Now, if you're very fortunate, both of. you will converge on that, and it'll. just become clear. Think, oh,

you And you pointed this out. This is. what that's really all about. Now, the. person may be discovering, too, that. they were resistant to that conclusion. They, you know, because the fundamental. threat is more key to their self-esteem. that they. to their conception of themself. than allowed them to be comfortable. before they get to the actual point, which is where they're going to be most. vulnerable. They're going to throw out a. bunch of screen. concerns just to see if you can be. trusted with something that will reveal.

their vulnerability. And they're even. doing that to themselves. It's like, dare I tell the truth about this. situation, because I betrayed myself. before, so maybe not. You say right. They They test you to the on the way to. the truth to see if how you'll respond. Yes, or they're testing themselves, too. And you know, and you can facilitate. that. See, if you facilitate that by. calm listening, then you're modeling the. fact that whatever the hell they have as. a problem isn't so terrifying that you. have to avoid it and run away. Yeah.

Right. Right. It's so interesting what. what was actually revealed, because this. person that works in one of my marketing. teams in a different company where. there's a CEO said to me, um, it's the work she they were doing that. was causing them the the unease, and. that's the reason they wanted to leave, etc. And I asked them the question after. about 30 minutes, when was the time you. were most happy in in the business? They. revealed to me that the time they were. most happy was when they were with me. overseas at the very beginning. And what. that really revealed at at its essence.

was there'd been a change in the. proximity to me and the real meaning of. the work. And they now felt like they. were doing trivial things. Their. happiest time was when they were right. next to me doing the most important. stuff. Right. The most So, the most difficult. problems. Yeah, you're solving the most. difficult problems. When they were most challenged, and they. were they were So, really, the fix. wasn't what they thought it was. The. fix, and then now they actually text me. I sent a message to one of my team. members last night saying, I don't I just don't want to know. I. want to keep keep their identity safe. So, let's say they were with me in.

Canada, they text me like when they were. most happy, they text me last night. saying, I feel like Canada Jenny again. Right. The adjustment that had to be. made was getting them back close to. bigger challenges. Right. So, they wanted to be closer to. the front line, as it turned out. When. Freud first developed psychotherapy, he developed this technique of free. association. Okay, so all free association is and. this is what Freud This is why people. put Freud put people on the couch and. sat be- behind them.

See, if I'm face-to-face with you. and I'm laying out the problem space, just what you're signaling to me by your. face might stop me from fully revealing. the truth because maybe you'll raise an. eyebrow or you there'll be a micro um. expression of disgust or contempt or. you'll look away or cuz I'm going to be. evaluating you to see how you're. reacting morally to my revelations. So, Freud just hid himself. He said and I I.

don't think that's strictly necessary, but. but but it's a very wise intuition and. you can imagine how it would be helpful. So, now I think the counter to that is. you can signal to someone who you're. talking to like open. reception of the message they're. receiving, right? It's just that and. kids love this, right? One of the things. kids are doing all the time is testing. you to see if you're paying attention. and they will modify their behavior in.

any way imaginable to get attention. There's no It's cuz there's no. difference between attention and love, by the way. Like there's no difference. And so, I don't think you have to hide yourself. from your client, but that's why Freud. did it. Now, what Freud noticed and the. psychoanalysts is that is that if you. let people free associate, the the topics that they picked would be. linked to one another. That reminds me. of this. That reminds me of this. That. reminds me of this. Now, obviously.

because people aren't just emitting. random noises, there's a reason the. things they're revealing are linked. There's some implicit similarity that. they're striving toward. Now, often what will happen if you listen to. your wife, for example, she's laying out. a bunch of problems and it'll spiral. It'll remind her of something this off. This happened with Freud. If you got to. the gist of it, it would remind people. of something that happened to them much. earlier in their life and often. something that was traumatic. That So,

a trauma is a problem you encounter in. your life that's quite deep so that it. unsettles you that you do not resolve. So, it's like it Imagine that in your. bedroom, there were holes that you could fall. through into, you know, into trouble. And so, you want to make a map of where. all the holes are. so that you can walk through the. landscape without falling into the pit. Now, it would be better if you just. fixed the holes, but but at least you. have the landscape mapped out. Well, a.

trauma is a a trauma is a hole that. hasn't been filled in. And so, maybe you were if you had a. trauma when you were four, you hit a. wall and be- you couldn't resolve the. trauma, that's no different than not. maturing in relationship to that. problem. So, what you have at hand there. are that only the tools that you. developed by the time you were four. Now, then you might encounter a. situation where. that's reminiscent of that. So, for. example, someone might say, "I had a problem with.

my boss. I have a recurring problem with. my boss." And so, you listen to him he. says, "That That reminds me exactly of. what my father did when I, you know, in. this situation when I was a kid." And. so, the reason the person is reacting to. their boss in a negative way is because. they're using the same conceptual. structure that they used to construe. their father when they were four. You'll. see this in marriages all the time. Like. if you have a recurring problem with. your partner that's that that that you. really can't understand. Now, it might. be your.

fixation at some developmental stage. that's the problem. Like she's. interacting with you in a way that. elicits your 13-year-old self. consistently. But she also might be. reacting to you in a way that elicits. her 13-year-old self. And so then but if. you listen to her, she'll get to that. And then she'll tell you the story and. then. sometimes she'll be able to figure out. what to do about that herself or. sometimes you'll have to discuss it, but.

it almost always. results in tears. Almost always. And I think the reason. for that is think that what happens is. when people break down in tears. So, children cry quite often. And they cry when they encounter an. impediment that they can't surmount. And. I think what tears do is dissolve you to. the state of neurological plasticity. that characterizes early childhood so. that you can learn. Now, people don't like that, right? That. reversion. It's humiliating, but.

you know, you have to break. That's the. crying. The The crying is an indication. that the current conceptual sub-. structure is insufficient. It has to. die. And then the tears come, right? And then. now you're prepared neurologically to. learn something new and that'll be. whatever comes out of the discussion and. that'll replace that old conceptual. structure that's outdated and immature. with a new. somewhat fragile conceptual structure, right? And then the person will try that. out a couple of times. Like maybe you.

would This is something where you have. to It's like something that's just come. out of a cocoon. You have to be very. careful when you negotiate with your. partner because. you know, maybe they'll decide that. they'll try a new tactic that you you. have both agreed on, but the first. 30 times they implement that new tactic, first of all, they won't do it very well. cuz it's new and second, if you punish. it, it'll kill it right away. Yes, so you were describing my. relationship very accurately. Because I am someone who in the mid-.

So, what's my my sort of attachment. style? I. grew up in a household where my parents. were very were at each other a lot. It. was fighting, arguing. So, I learned. very early on that relationships are. like prison. Right. Right. I wanted to commitment I I ran from. commitment my whole life. I met someone. who had an opposite attachment style. where whenever things get a little bit. rocky, she wants to like latch on in a. sense. Like she really wants to make. sure that she's got my attention. Yeah.

For example, I could come home and say. one word that shows that I'm focused on. my work and then suddenly she's like. fighting for my attention. That makes me. want to run and that makes her want to. chase. Right. Right. And so, and then she'll, you know, she'll get triggered and then she'll. kind of retreat and be it's quite. unquote like the word sulking is often. used. So, we came up with a system where I. said to her, "When you feel triggered by me not. giving you the attention you want and. when you end up spiraling, can you just try and tell me as soon as. possible instead of like the 7-hour.

silence?" Yeah. Um so, that was the. mechanism we came up for with and then. the first time she did that, I was, as. you said, very conscious of making sure. I didn't react badly to it or get. triggered by it. Right. So, you're you're describing the. process I've been through entirely. Yeah, well, this happens. This happens. to everyone. And those those sulks, let's say, that's that's a nonverbal. threat response. Right. Right. And And. you want to replace that with a more. differentiated, practical, and more. immediate strategy.

You know, and so, you know, one of the. things. that I've seen, for example, with my. wife is that. um. the periods of time where she gets upset. shrink and shrink and shrink and shrink. because she can get from the problem to. the verbalizable statement of the. problem and the solution way, way. faster. How How long does that take? Just from continual practice. Cuz. continual attention. It's like, "Oh, I'm. upset. Okay, well, what am I upset. about? Here's a bunch of things that I. might be upset about. Okay, which of.

those are focal?" Like this is something. you can learn, you know? But you have to. You have to admit you're upset and you. also have to understand that you don't. know why. Cuz one of the things that'll. happen in a marriage with any close. relationship with any relationship is. like well, if you and I talk and we hit. a pit, it's I would rather that it's your. fault. Right? Cuz then you have to. take the conceptual structure and you. have to allow it to die and you have to. cry and you have something to learn and. it's you and it's an indication that.

you're insufficient. It's way more. convenient for me if it's you. Plus I get to feel moral superior and. like I have myself under control and. that I've, you know, I've mastered the. universe. And also, women also in some ways want that from. men because they want the men to be. competent and so men will pretend to be. more competent than they are. It's like. you want to find out what the problem is. because then you can solve it. And one. of the things you have to consider is. that you're you're the problem. Maybe.

you're not, but maybe you are. Now, you. might say, "Well, why should you undergo. the cataclysmic revelation that you're. the problem?" And the answer is cuz you. could stop being the problem. Like. that's the payoff. Cuz you might say, "Well, why Why attend to your wife? Why. fight?". And the answer is so you don't have to. fight again. See, and I know this. So, I'm a very. agreeable person. I don't like conflict. Like I'll do almost anything to. not to paper it over though, that's the. thing. To to fix it.

But the reason that I'll engage in. conflict is because I know, it isn't a. theory, I know. that conflict delayed is conflict. multiplied. And so, if I do have a. problem with someone, I want to note it, get it on the table, fight it through to the bloody bottom, fix it, and move on. And there's a, you. know, that's that's a lot of emotional. stress and complex reconceptualization.

and retooling. And people would rather. avoid that, you know, cuz you know, you. come home from work and your mind is on. something, whatever the hell it is, and. then this like snake pops up and you. think. do we really have to deal with this now? It's like well. maybe. And if not now when? And that's. something you can also negotiate, you. know, like I can give you an example of. that. So. there was a time, a very long time where. my daughter was insanely ill and.

suffering brutally and deteriorating at. the same time and that's overwhelming by. definition cuz a problem you can't solve. is overwhelming. And then so the. question arises well how do you deal. with a problem that's overwhelming that. you can't solve. without making it worse. So one of the. things that Tammy and I did was we made. rules. It's like we didn't talk about. Michaela after 8:00 at night. It was. just off the table. Because we knew well are are you going. to. are you going to go to sleep? Are you.

going to need some sleep tonight? Like if we're going to battle this for. like decades. we better not wear ourselves out. Okay, how not to? Well, let's make some rules. Like negotiating rules. And you can do. this. This is good advice to the degree you. can give people advice about a. relationship. Here's something to. understand about your marriage. Okay. You are going to have to listen to your. wife 90 minutes a week. Okay, and you might as well just get. that through your thick skull. Now why?

If you listen to her enough you can make. peace and you can play. So there's a huge benefit. If you don't. listen to her. that will accumulate. and you'll listen to her in divorce. court. Like you will eventually listen. And at some point you'll pay for the. privilege of doing so. Right? Cuz there'll be other people. involved and then the backlog will be so. high that you might never escape from. it. Why don't men like to listen? Well. often because the insufficiencies are.

pointed at them. Mhm. You know, and and and sometimes. especially if the woman, let's say, and. this can go both ways. Let's be sure. about this, but we'll we might as well. re- revoke re- re- revoke to the. stereotypes and I think it's fair. because women are more threat sensitive. So they're more likely to bring up. problems. Now that's the disadvantage is. they bring up problems that don't exist. because that's a false positive. But the. advantage is they bring up problems. before you're sensitive enough to see. them. And so this is very important if. you think about the role of women is.

the woman is closer to the infant than. you. Okay, so you're you know, doing whatever. the hell you're doing. You're. concentrating on your career. You know, you're not especially when the infant's. under a year old. You're a step removed. now and good. You can be dealing with. the external world, but she's. concentrating on the little kids and one. of the things you want to hear from her. is what the hell's wrong with the kids. before you're wise enough to see it. Now. the price you pay for that is she might. be shorting out about things that don't. exist. So you know, and this is.

especially true if your wife is high in. neuroticism and it could be true if the. husband is too, but as I said that's the. more stereotypical situation. So why. listen? To get to the signal. Now will she get to the signal? Yes, although she might not be very good at. that and it might take a lot of. listening. But if you listen long enough. she'll get better and better at it until. she'll get like really good at it. And. then the time between the emergence of. the problem and the solution will just. it'll collapse to the point where it's. virtually immediate. Now that can take.

that's a very high level of mastery. That can take a very long time. But then. you know, you also want to put forward. to your wife and yourself the. proposition that you're better than you. are which is well I can okay, I get the. problem. I can solve it. It's like no, you probably don't get the problem and. even if you did it isn't necessarily the. case that you could solve it. And so you. have to put up with the fact that you're. going to have to be dragged through the. mud. uh cuz she's going to point to you know, maybe her kid's upset because you're a. tyrant. And you probably are a tyrant to some.

degree, you know, clomping around. overconfident and all that. And so she's. going to poke you. Well maybe you're. this is how you're stupid and maybe this. is how you're stupid and maybe this is. how you're. long list of potential ways and actual. ways you could be stupid. So you have to. listen to that. Now. your wife has to act in good faith. You. know, one of the things that Tammy and I. did when we first got married cuz I I. thought a lot of this through before we. got married. I said look, you know, if. we're going to do this you have to tell.

me the truth. I don't care what it is. You. I'll tell you the truth. But you have to. tell me the truth. I don't care what the. truth is. But it has to be true. Right? And so that's without that you. get nowhere. And you can't trust your. partner either. And so. your partner has to be all in. That's. why you have a marriage vow. Cuz the marriage vow is basically this. This is the vow. No matter what you tell me I won't run. away. And that's a of a vow, man.

Because. when when someone unveils their whole. heart, they unveil themselves all the. way down to hell. It's not. pleasant. It's awful. And so they need to know that you will. not run away. And that's a vow because. what do you know? Look. the person's always going to be thinking. always, if you really knew who I was you. wouldn't love me. You wouldn't be with. me. And you know. hey, fair enough cuz people are full of. snakes.

And if all those snakes were revealed. perhaps the logical thing to do would. run would be to run. And so then you. might not you might say well why not. run? It's like well you want to run from. everyone for the rest of your life? You. want to forego the advantages of a. permanent relationship? And you're full. of snakes, too. So you're both making a bad bet. And so. you make the bad bet based on based on. the idea that if you are faithful and. you are truthful that you can resolve. the issues and you can. It it's a good.

deal. Resolving issues. Much of what you've talked about stems. back to childhood trauma and things that. happen in our our formative years. I. often wonder those holes in the bedroom. floor you describe, the the early. traumas. Can we ever. They're often in the bedroom floor by. the way. Yeah, mhm. You bet. Can we ever. fill those or can we just put planks of. wood over. Oh no, no, no. You you can't put planks. of wood over them. You have to fill. them. And what you do oh and and you can. do this. You know, let's say you were. bullied repeatedly when you were a kid.

Okay, you're probably still being. bullied because if you didn't. being a bully victim. is a stable trait. So the great analysis of bullies that. have been done, Dan Olweus in Sweden did. this. He was a great psychologist. He. analyzed bullying behavior and bully. victim behavior. So he defined bullying. very carefully. You're a bully if you. use power. disproportionately. So like if I'm 12 and I'm picking on. someone my own size, I'm not a bully.

Right? Cuz there's a the risk to me is. commensurate to the risk to them. That's. just aggression. That's just. competition. And even if it's violent, it's not bullying. A bully is when I'm. 12 and you're eight or when there's two. of us and one of you or when I get you. in a position where you're completely. vulnerable and can't defend yourself. Disproportionate use of force, right? Bully victim is someone the bullies will. check out. Imagine a bully comes into a. room full of kids. He'll poke at all the. kids and one of the kids will manifest a.

disproportionate emotional response. Well then it's like he just zeros in on. that. And those are often kids who are. higher in neuroticism or who are fragile. for other reasons. And then that can. become permanent and both the bullies. and the bully victims have a negative. long-term developmental trajectory. The. bullies tend to become criminal. and alienated on that front especially. as they move into high school and the. bully victims tend to become depressed, anxious and dependent. If you have a.

partner who's been a bully victim for. example, that's going to be brought into. your marriage and then one of the things. that's going to happen is every time you. try to have a dispute which is to. actually think and solve a problem, they're going to see you through the. bully template. They're going to treat. you like you're a bully. They're going. to accuse you of being a bully. They're. going to bring up all the times before. when you acted like a bully and then. you're going to have to defend yourself. And part of the reason that people can't. listen is cuz they also don't know how. to defend themselves. It's like. especially if you're here's 15 pieces of.

evidence that you're a bully. It's like. can you. counter those? Maybe. What if you're not very. articulate? You know, it might take you. two weeks to think up how to argue. yourself out of that plus you're going. to be doubtful about it. You know, so those are very complicated. things to work through, but. you can listen. If you listen, the person will dispense. with some of their accusations by. themselves. The accusations that can't be dispensed. with though now those are. questions. You know, maybe your kid's.

upset it when they he or she's. interacting with you and your wife says, well you're too hard on him. It's like well. are you? Well, it's time for you to go. away for like a week and meditate on. that. Right? And that's. that's soul searching, right? You're going to go down to the bottom of. your hearts. Like. well are you a bully? Are you a bully. like your father was a bully? You know, are you a bully like a friend. who was a reprobate that you admired and. tried to copy was a bully? You know?

You have to see because maybe you are. Maybe you should stop. But then you also. have to figure out how you would be if. you weren't being a bully. Then your. wife can help you. You know, and this is. another good rule for couple conflict. Like let's say I'm unhappy with you. Say. so I come and tell you that. You can ask. me, okay what do you want? If I could give you what you wanted. what would it be? Well, I don't know. It's like no, sorry. I cannot hit a target you won't specify.

Let's discuss it at least. We ought to. have a target here. And so this is also. if you're an employee, you got to know. this if you're an employee. You're going. to your boss with a problem. Why don't you go with a solution, too? You know, and if you're the sort of. employee who goes to your boss with a. solution, you'll rocket yourself up the hierarchy. if you're in a halfway decent business. You'll ratchet yourself up the hierarchy. so fast you can't believe it cuz you'll. get a reputation as the person who can. solve the problem. So, and you know, you.

can actually play with this in in in. your marriage because one of the things. that you can do for example is. Well, let's say you say something that. irritated your wife. Okay, and then you. can say, "Okay." She'll say, "Well, you. That really bothered me." It's like, "Okay." It's an open question. Why? Maybe she's too goddamn sensitive and. maybe you're too much of a son of a. It's like, who knows, right? But. you can ask her, "Okay, if I had said what you wanted me to say. in that situation, what would have I. said?".

Now, that's a hard question, she asked. Think about that. It's like, "Well, what. would What would have worked?" And then. she'll say, "You know, well, maybe you. could have said this." And And then you. can say, "Okay, let me say it.". Now, then she asked and but it's sort of. like, "Let me say it. It'll be sort of. fake. It'll be a first-pass approximation. You're putting words in my mouth, but. let's assume that I'm trying to do. something better stupidly and badly to. begin with. You know, with an eye to. mastering it over 50 repetitions. So,

but I'll start by just saying it. So, she'll tell you what to say and you can. say it. Now, if you're absolutely 100% unwilling to. say it because you think it violates. your conscience, that's a whole. different issue. That means there's a. deeper discussion to be had. But maybe. you could try it. You know, you could try it out for size. And maybe she could see if that sort of. satisfied her. And now you've got a. rubric for. for how that interaction might go in the. future. Let's make it concrete. You come home at the end of a work day.

Okay. There should be. there's a right way of doing that that. you have to negotiate with your wife. You know, maybe she rushes to the door. and meets you with all the problems of. the day. Okay, that's probably not a great. strategy. You know, cuz you're already. up to here, you're tired. So is she. likely from whatever she was doing. Maybe Maybe she was at work, too. You can't meet each other when you're. both tired every single day for the rest. of your life with nothing but a ball of. problems. Partly because.

if you do that 50 times, you're going to. view the person as just a a bunch of. snakes that are coming at you. That's. not good. Even if the problems that are. being pointed to are real. You know, you. might think, "Okay, so you come home. after work. What would be the best way for that to. unfold?" And you have to negotiate that. And I would say, "We You know, let's. parameterize that a bit. You're probably. hungry.". Well, you don't want to talk to someone. This is another great rule. Don't talk. to your partner about something. complicated when they're hungry.

It's not going to work. So, maybe you. come home, you have something to eat, you kick off your shoes, maybe you take. 10 minutes for yourself, and then you. can talk. But you you want to get that. right. Or maybe she You come home, you. meet each other at the door, she gives. you a hug, you have something to eat, you relax for a minute, maybe you have a. shower, but then you've already. negotiated about when you're going to. have a conversation. And you're going to. be prepared for it. Now, people do this. in the business. You don't just randomly. discuss a bunch of problems. at your business if it's running.

reasonably well. You have a meeting, it's parameterized. You kind of have an. agenda. You have to do that at home. You have Your Your home is also a small. business and it has to be run like that. And you have to spend 90 minutes at. least 90 minutes a week with your wife. just running the damn business. And I. can tell you if you don't do that, you'll never get to the play, ever. Cuz. maybe you'll You know, you'll be. romantically interested in each other. and you you want to spend some time. together, but there's a bunch of.

problems brewing, and your wife will. definitely do this. It will absolutely. happen is that when you're trying to be. interested in each other, these things. will come into her mind and distract her. and she'll bring them up. And then. you'll get pissed off because it's like, "Well, we're supposed to be having fun. at the We're supposed to be attending to. each other. Why are you bringing that. up?" And the answer is, "Well, we're together and these are. problems. We haven't set aside time to. deal with them.". The reason you should listen to your. wife is because if you listen to her. enough, she'll tell you what's wrong and. what she wants.

And then you can fix what's wrong and. you can give her what she wants. In your practice, have you ever. encountered those holes in the bedroom, those childhood traumas that you. realized at some point when you stared. into the patient's eyes, they could never solve? Yes. Yes. Yeah. A bottomless abyss. Yeah. It's awful. Yeah, I was in situations where, you. know, I I'd get to the bottom of it, I. thought, and then.

It was like Dante's So, Dante's Inferno. for everyone who is reading listening, you should read that book. Dante's. Inferno is a topography of hell. So, underneath every problem is layers. of problems, right? Right to the bottom. For Dante, the worst problem was. betrayal. Right? And the reason betrayal is the. worst problem is like if you and I want. to have a relationship, we have to trust. each other. And betrayal is the violation of the. trust upon which.

relationships are predicated. So, it. blows apart everything. So, the lowest. level of hell for Dante, the bottom of. hell was filled with betrayers. And. that's right. That's childhood sexual. abuse. Like it's the ultimate betrayal, right? It's the It's the A child sexual. predator is someone who takes the role. of guardian. to be the wolf. Right? It's the worst form of betrayal. And so it just devastates children. And. because they're actually faced with the. problem of malevolence at a very early.

age. And they What the hell? It's like you're four and now you see. the bottom of hell. Well, that's trauma. And the only The way you treat that, by. the way, is you walk people through a. topography of hell. That's what you do. And And you can do that. Well, let's say. you were abused when you were a kid. Okay, so what's your problem? Well, your. problem is you've seen into the heart of. darkness. That's your problem. And just. blew you into pieces. Could people really be like that? Is. that my father?

Right? Is that my uncle? How could he do. that? Well, that's You're gazing into. the face of malevolence itself. You have to develop a philosophy of good. and evil. It's a religious philosophy. essentially because a philosophy of good. and evil is a religious philosophy. Those are the same thing. You have to You have to develop a. philosophy of evil and then you have to. understand how you combat that. And that's very complicated. How do you. combat evil? With truth, with love, with. beauty. You have to start to embody. that.

You know, or maybe it's even worse. You're traumatized because you did. something like brutal, seriously brutal, and maybe you enjoyed it. That's a very. common pathway to post-traumatic stress. disorder for people. And then. post-traumatic stress disorder occurs. when you have a very large hole that, you know, gapes large enough to swallow. virtually everything that hasn't been. fixed or papered over. You do that by finding your way out of. hell, and that's what happens in the. Inferno, too. Dante is guided through. hell by Virgil, who's the spirit that.

guides you through hell. That's a good. way of thinking about it. So, and every problem, even the problems. your wife brings to you, especially if. they repeat, there are levels underneath. that, and at the bottom there's a. betrayal, something like that. There's. some bit of hell in there somewhere. And so And sometimes, you know, if you. go all the way to the bottom. and you solve that bottom problem, you. solve a whole bunch of peripheral. problems. So, and there's a movie, Apocalypse Now, that's about a journey to the heart of. darkness, and that's what the book is.

about, Conrad Joseph Conrad's book. And. there's a documentary called Heart of. Darkness that. describes the making of Apocalypse Now. And the people who made Apocalypse Now, which was a movie about a journey to the. heart of darkness, it had an effect on. them while they were making the movie. And all of the people that were acting. in the movie and directing and producing. and financing all went on a journey to. the heart of darkness inside. And it. virtually killed them. One of them had a. heart attack. One of them went. completely broke. Like they just had a catastrophe when.

they were making this movie. They fell. into its archetypal clutches. Heart of. Darkness is the name of the documentary. It's fascinating. Have you been on that. journey yourself? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sort of I would say in some ways. permanently. When I went back when I was. 20 something like that, 20, I started. studying atrocity, right? And so I was. I've always been interested in. the Holocaust, Auschwitz in particular. But It's a very particular interest.

Like evil, Nazi Germany, Auschwitz, prison guard, prison guard who enjoyed his work, right? Cuz my my question was, "How could you be an Auschwitz prison. guard who enjoyed his work?" Now, one. answer is, "Well, you're just like a. demon from another planet who's so. unlike me that I don't even have to. worry about it.". And that's a very convenient answer, but. it's not true.

Many many many many of the people, not. all, many of the people who were. involved in the Nazi atrocities were. perfectly ordinary people. They were. just like you. And you think, "No, I wouldn't do that.". It's like, that's not what the evidence suggests. The evidence suggests that the vast. majority of people in Nazi Germany went. along with it. Now, not all of them were. dragged into the abyss itself, but. plenty were. And if you think you. wouldn't have been one of them, that.

just means it's highly likely that you. would have cuz you have no idea what. you're capable of. There's a great book. about that, it's terrifying book called. Ordinary Men. And it's about the. initiation of a police battalion from. Germany who went to Poland after the. Germans marched into Poland. Now, these. were ordinary men. They were policemen, middle-aged, who had grown up before the. Nazi propaganda mill got going. Okay, so. they weren't indoctrinated Nazis from. like the time they were four. They're.

just ordinary middle-class guys. Plus, their commander told them in Poland when. they were starting to do military work. even though they were civilian policemen. that they could go home, that they. didn't have to do this job, and that. there would be no repercussions. And in. fact, out of the battalion, a number of. men right at the beginning said, "I'm. not doing this." And they went home. The. vast majority went along. Now, why? Okay. So, now these policemen are in Poland. and they've been told the story, which.

is that, you know, Germany's at war and. the reason for that is that evil Jews. have conspired up a, you know, a. conspiracy and they've united the. Western world against us and they're a. fifth column within the country and your. patriotic duty is to root them out now. that we're in Poland and you're saving. the fatherland and there's going to be. dirty work associated with it and do you. really want to leave all that to your. compatriots, you know, your companions, your your guys? Cuz like if you and I. are together and someone that we're. working for presents us with a dirty job.

and I say, "Well, I'm not doing that.". Well, then I leave it to you. So, there's a kind of betrayal that's built. into that. Now, the guys that left. thought, "I don't care. I'm not doing. this." But most people didn't. And part. of the reason they didn't do it is cuz. they were loyal to their to their peers. By the end of this, which took months, these guys were taking na- naked. pregnant women out into the middle of. fields and shooting them in the back of. the head. Like and bec- becoming. violently ill because of doing so and. tearing themselves into shreds. internally, like sick sick at heart,

but doing it. And that's it. It's a. terrible thing to look at. And I started. looking at that like. 40 years ago now. You know, it's. shocking. And so, what did I discover? Well, I. discovered a lot of things. I discovered. that the root road to totalitarian hell. and atrocity is paved with lies. Like lies are the pathway to hell. Really. Like practically and metaphysically. And.

so, one of the things I decided, this. was in 1985, was that I was not I was. going to stop lying. What does that mean practically? Lies ruin your life. Doesn't So, you will not accept a white. lie. You won't. Well, look, a white lie is worse than. better than a black lie, but look, if you're really telling the truth, you're serving truth at every level of. analysis simultaneously. It's right. So, if if my words are landing properly,

they're going to be the words that work. right now and tomorrow and a week from. now and a month from now and they're. going to work for me and they're going. to work for you. So, a true statement. has levels of application and a white. lie is a statement that's true at one. level and false at another. Now, you. might not be able to Maybe you don't. have the wherewithal at that moment to. come up with the statement that. satisfies all the truth conditions at. every level. And so, you default to the. best you can manage. You know, your wife. says, "Do I look fat in this dress?" You.

know, or or maybe she says, "How do I. look in this dress?" And you think you. don't like that dress. And you know, the. easy thing to do is to say, "I love it, dear. Whatever you want." Or, you know, "Of course not." But. that's and that's a white lie. But. that's not the optimal answer. Like a. better answer that is, um, "Don't ask me. questions like that.". And then you can have a discussion about. it. See, the thing is, I've done I. bought a lot of clothes for my wife. I. like clothes shopping for my wife. And I.

tell her how I think she looks. And the advantage to that is that if I. tell her that she looks good, she knows. I mean it. Mhm. Right? I'm not muddying. up the water. And. if I have to say something, I mean, I. It's not like I the number of times that. I've told her that I'm not happy with. the way she's presenting it. Like it's. it's virtually That virtually never. happens. She actually has extremely good. taste. And so, it's just an example, but.

if you're forced into a situation where. you have to tell a white lie, there's. snakes somewhere that you haven't dealt. with. And maybe the best you can do and that's. Leonard Cohen, the poet, said, "There's. no decent place to stand in a massacre.". You may have already compromised. yourself to the point where in that. situation, the best you can do is a lie. But that means that you shouldn't have. bloody well been there to begin with. And the answer to it in many respects is. honesty further upstream, honesty with. yourself and others further upstream.

You can get yourself in positions where. all of your options are bad. And what that means is exactly as you. pointed out, you did something upstream, man. Now, one of the things you do in. therapy is you find out what people did. upstream. Mhm. You know, and you'll find. this in your discussions with your wife. There'll be a problem. And as you circle. towards it, you'll see, "Oh, this is where I made a mistake." Mhm. Right? This is what's wrong with me. And. then you can even you can even find out. if you look, you can you can go back.

into your past and you can think, "Oh, yeah. That's when I made that decision. I knew. when I made it, it was bad decision, you. know?". Mhm. And your life is full of. the consequences of decisions you took. in the past that put you on the wrong. path. And you said we were talking about. repairing things. What you do is you go. back to where you made the mistake, you. figure out what the mistake was. You know, there's this cartoon trope. that there's an angel on one shoulder. and a devil on the other. Well, you come. to a crossroad. That's also where you.

meet the devil. You go this way or that. way. If you go the wrong direction, your. life will be then the consequences of. that bad choice. And then that will. tangle you up and then you'll suffer for. it. Then you have to figure out, "Okay, what's the suffering? What's the. problem? When did I make the bad choice? Which road should have I taken?" That's. how you fix a trauma. You you replace the road you did take. with the road you should have taken. And. now you have a road forward. And once. you have a road forward, the trauma is.

no longer traumatic cuz you have a road. Your brain brings up the past. because you have not specified the. proper road forward. You go back into the road you took that. was the wrong road, you find out what. the right road was. Now you've you've. atoned, you've. confessed, you've repented, and you have specified. the proper pathway forward. And that's. what you do when you negotiate a. solution to a problem with your wife, too. Here's what we're do- Here's the.

problem, here's what we did wrong. Here's what we'll try to do in the. future. And if that new future map. works, that past trauma will be rendered. irrelevant. As you know, because I've been sent. thousands of messages, these. conversation cards sell out. exceptionally quick. So, here's the deal. I'm going to make with you. If you join. the waiting list, which is in the. description below, you will get sent. access to buy these conversation cards 1. hour before anybody else. They're in.

limited supply, so if you really do want. to get your hands on them, please do add. your name to the waiting list in the. description below. And you can find that. waiting list at. theconversationcards.com, but I'll also include it in the. description below wherever you're. listening to this episode. How much do. you really know about your health? For. me, that answer was simple. The answer. was very little until Whoop came along. As you guys know, they sponsor this. podcast, but even before then, Whoop was. integral for me to know what's going on. inside my body. Most of my friends, my.

family, and my team now use Whoop, but I. still have a few friends that are on the. fence about getting on board. And what I. hear from some of those friends is that. they're a little bit worried about what. they might see in the data and they. might to feel uncomfortable about. knowing what's going on inside their. body. If I've learned anything, it is. that knowledge is power. And once I. finally started to look at the data and. understand how getting less sleep was. affecting my body and how my old. lifestyle was actually hurting my. long-term health, everything changed for. the better. So, if this is something. that you'd like to try out, head over to.

join.whoop.com/ceo. and you'll get to try Whoop for 30 days. risk-free with zero commitment. Try it. and let me know how you get on. I was. looking at our past conversation and I. thought it would be interesting to see. who the audience were, that that. demographic. And the the age group were. 20 to 40-year-olds. Really 18 to 40-year-olds. My question to you is, in their lives,

in that demographic's lives, what do you. think the biggest challenge is? Cuz your. both your kids, Julian and Michaela, both fit into that that category as. well. What is the greatest challenge that that. demographic face? Well, the biggest challenges we had with. our kids was See, I think the big. biggest challenge I had in my generation. was negotiating the years between 13 and. 15, something like that. But my sense is. now the biggest challenge to young. people is negotiating the transition. into adulthood, into adulthood identity.

And I think that's partly why we have. this terrible war in our culture of what. what constitutes identity. And I think. the reason that. identity has become such a problem is. that our concepts of identity are. unbelievably unsophisticated, narrow, hedonistic, and self-serving. So, the identity groups that have popped. up are all, you could say whim-based. identity groups. They're sexual.

identity, say, or something arbitrary. like sex like sex or race or ethnicity, something arbitrary. But the sexual identity groups are. particularly interesting because. the idea that that's your identity is. predicated on the notion that there. isn't anything more vital to you than. your than the immediacy of your sexual. behavior. Well, you're not a sex machine. You're not a. short-term sex machine. That's not what. a human being is. So, if you.

revert to that, all you're going to do is produce like. anxiety, hopelessness, and misery. It's. not a good solution. So, then you might say, "Well, what's. the solution?" And the solution is. something called a subsidiary solution. It's like, "So, what's your identity?". Well, you should get your act together and. take care of yourself. So, you have to. integrate yourself. You have to. integrate across. anxiety and hatred and pain and jealousy. and fear and hunger and lust and all the.

that that plethora of spirits that wage. war within you. It's a lot. It's a lot. You have to bring that into a unity, okay? And one of the things Nietzsche. said, the famous German philosopher, was. that every drive attempts to. philosophize in its spirit. So, all. those subsidiary sub subordinate spirits. that war inside you will try to. dominate. "I'm only my anger I'm or. rage." That's the protester type, you. know. "I'm only my sexuality. I'm only. my my app my appetite." That's the.

consumer model. But all that has to be integrated. And. then you might say, "Well, integrate it. into what?" Well, integrate it into a. structure that serves all of those. spirits. simultaneously and harmoniously across a. long time. That's maturity. Okay, but. that doesn't happen in isolation. So, then the next there's stages above. that. Okay, so the next thing is maybe. you've got your act together enough so. that someone can tolerate being around. you.

So, that So, there's enough left over. from you so you can play with someone. else. So, you establish. a relationship, marriage, let's say. You invite someone else to join forces. with you. You produce a united vision. Okay, so now there's you and there's you. as husband. And it's the joint. interplay of those that's now your. identity, okay? And so, now you have a. role and you have obligations and. responsibilities and opportunities. You know, you say, "Well, I'm. constrained by my marriage, you know.

There's all sorts of things I can't do.". Which really means I can no longer. in the most primitive way, it means I. can no longer immediately gratify my. short-term whims. Although it could also be more complex. in that I don't get to pursue the things. that I need to pursue, which means you. haven't negotiated with your wife very. well. Like if your marriage is a prison, you have you're either very immature in. what you want or you haven't negotiated. properly. If you've done it well, you've. got your individual. unity established and then there's a.

unity within the marriage that's better. And why would it be better? Well, you. could learn to love someone. Mhm. And. that would be better because. getting outside yourself decreases your. anxiety. So, we know as psychologists, one of the things that was learned 20. years ago is that. there's no difference between. thinking about yourself. and what you want and being miserable. Those are self-consciousness. and negative emotion. are so tightly tied together that.

they're statistically indistinguishable. Does that not raise the question about. the decline of religion? Ab- Absolutely. Well, that's the next level. It's like, "Okay, so there's you. Now you're a. husband, right?" And so, your identity. is those two things in lockstep. But. that's not enough. Now maybe you're a father. Now you have. kids. Now you have a whole 'nother level. of responsibility and opportunity to. flesh yourself out and support and love, right? So, now and then well, you So, you've got your family together.

That's not enough. You've got the. community to serve. So, you want to. serve the community. And then community. scale. You know, maybe you're good in. your local business and you have a local. business organization and you're good in. that. And then well, then there's the. town level and the city level and the. state level and the country level. And. then, you know, America is one nation. under God. That's the ultimate level of. this hierarchy of identity. And that's. what should be served most. fundamentally. That's a definition.

Okay? God is that which should be served most. fundamentally. It's a definition. So, when you're thinking that B is better. than A, what you're saying, even if you don't. know it, is that B is a step from A on. the road to God. That's what you're. saying. The medieval definition a medieval. definition of God was something like the. sum of all that is good or the essence. of what is good. And so, if you believe. that there is a good,

then lurking behind that is the spirit. of all that we all which all of that. which is good. That's God by definition. Now, you can. debate forever about what that is. But it is something you live in. relationship to. Like that's inescapable. that's absolutely inescapable. And you. might say, "Well, I don't believe in. God." And then I would say, "Well, do. you believe in good?" And you'll say, "No." I say, "Well, then you can't act.". Cuz you act towards a good or you're not. motivated.

I called a Simon Gunning who's the CEO. of Campaign Against Living Miserably. It's a big mental health charity here. And I said, "Give me the updated stats.". He said to me, "19 to 35-year-olds, which is that demographic that are. listening to this predominantly, um are. twice as likely to report being in. crisis than any other group." Right. And. there's there's a reason for It's a very. straightforward reason. It's It's. literally this. The more you are focused. on yourself, the more miserable you are. It's It's as simple as that. But that's.

society now these days. We're very. Well, I'm wearing cur Well, and you. There are terrible forces pushing us in. that direction, you know. Like I could. attribute this to the idiocies of a. degenerate Protestant liberalism driven. by postmodernism. But you could also. just as easily point to consumerist. capitalism. It's like, "It's all about. you. It's all about what you want.". Worse, "It's all about what you want. right now." Worse, "It's all about what. your basest appetites want regardless of. cost right now." Well, that that's the.

same as being 2 years old. It's There's nothing about that that's. And why do you think that's you anyways? It's like, "Since when did what you are. become what the most idiotic part of you. who cares nothing about anything else. and any other people wants right now? Why is that you?" How about this though? So, this is where I'm trying to make a. distinction is. responsibility is a good thing. But with. responsibility sometimes comes this idea. that it's about me my outcomes are about.

me. It's all about me. My success and. failure are a consequence of me me me. me. Yeah, well, that Right. Right. Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, that's why. the classical Christian philosophy has. always been that you cannot. infer someone's moral worth by the level. of accomplishment. So, the aristocrats would have said the. Roman aristocrats would have said, "Well, look at me. Like it's pretty obvious." Speaking to a. slave, say, "It's pretty obvious that. I'm better than you.

First of all, I can slap you and there's. not a goddamn thing you can do about it. And you have to do what I tell you to. do. And I've got all the money and all. the stuff. And I can make all the. decisions. And I have all the power. Clearly, that's evidence that I'm morally. superior to you." But didn't they. believe that a god had granted them that. superiority to some degree? So, didn't. they often believe in fortune as the. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Of of course. they did. That just made it even better. It's like It's a The fact that I've got.

the power is a reflection of the fact. that the cosmic order is clearly on my. side. And we believe that less now. because of the decline of religion. So, we now think that our outcomes are more. determined by our own actions. Yes, but. lurking underneath that is is there's a. hidden god lurking underneath all that, too. It's just that the god has become. subjectivity. It's something like that. When God talks to Moses out of the. depths of the burning bush, he says, "I. am what I am." And that's what every. degenerate Protestant liberal says now. "I am what I am." And they also say,

"And if you don't go along with it, the. consequences for you are going to be. pretty damn dismal. Use my pronouns. Adopt my identity. Play. the game that the worst part of me. insists on or else." And it is a. consequence I I said Protestant. liberalism for a reason. Like as we've. moved away from God, we've moved into a radical subjectivity. Now, the problem with that is that a. radical subjectivity, especially one of. impulse, is unbelievably immature and.

counterproductive. It just doesn't work. any more than a roomful of 2-year-olds. works. What's the better idea? This subsidiary. structure. It's the adoption of. voluntary responsibility. May way more complex identity. It's. like, you know, take on the load. Pick Take someone in your life. Make a. permanent relationship. Work it out. Have some kids. Serve your. society at all these different levels. Strive upward. What's up? Okay, here's a.

definition of up. A better solution. unites more situations and people across. broader spans of time. Is this why this brings me to you're. doing. Peterson's Academy, which is an online. sort of interactive learning platform. you've designed, which is kind of seems. like it's taking on this typical. university structure. I've I was on. there. I see people can sign up right. now, but why are you doing Peterson's.

Academy? Well, um curiosity. Um. I'm curious about virtually everything. I started putting my lectures on YouTube. because I was curious, what will happen. if I use this, you know, so curiosity. But then the more deliberative answer is. I'm in a very fortunate position because. I can meet pretty much anyone I want to. meet. And the people I want to meet are. almost always interesting thinkers, let's say, or people who have done. interesting things repeatedly in their.

lives. And so I can find those people, and some of them are very charismatic, and they have lots to say, and. they. I I'm providing them with a platform to. say those things, and we can do it at. extremely high quality. and very, very low cost, and we can. distribute that to everyone. And I am an. educator. I'm a professor, or at least I. was. I'm still a professor emeritus. And. I It's time for the for what we've been. doing in universities for all these. centuries to be made available on a mass.

scale because it can be done very well, and it can be done, and it's. entertaining to do, and there's no. reason not to do it. Okay, so that's all. on the positive side. And then there's a. sense of humor aspect to it, too, because it became impossible for me to. work in the university. And so I. thought, fine, I'll go build my own. university cuz I thought maybe there's. something arrogant about this. When the. university came after me, there was part. of me that thought, you think I need.

you. It's like, I don't think so. I think you need me. And if you don't. want me around anymore, we'll see who. needs who. Now, like I said, you know, I. was irritated and peeved, and maybe. there's something arrogant about that, but let's. reconfigure it. So here's one of the. experiences I've had bringing these. professors down to Miami. This is. especially true with the professors from. Cambridge and Oxford. Like some of these. people, man, they're deadly. You're lucky to have a conversation with.

them. They've been thinking a long time. They're super smart. They're wise. They. know their field. They're great. communicators. These are stellar people, and their universities treat them. terribly. No respect. They let their. students walk all over them. They pay. them abysmally. They treat them as if. they're pawns of the administration. It's sickening. And so I invite them down to Miami, and. we we make them a good financial offer, and we treat them like people we're very. pleased to have there and that we hope.

they'll come back, and they have a. really good time, and they deliver and. we say, look, they say, well, what what. what function do you want this course to. serve, you know, because maybe they're. worried that there's a political agenda. or something like that. And our rule is, we picked you for a reason. You know. what we're doing. You tell us how to get. the hell out of your way so that we can. enable you to teach the course you've. always dreamed of teaching. We will. provide you with the audience you've. always wanted, which will be people cuz. they have a live audience, and the live.

audience members we select are selected. because they want to come and listen, which is what you want for students. And. so we want to have the dream experience. for the professor. Come, talk about what. you love to people who want to listen, plus we'll provide you with maybe enough. financial security so you don't have to. be concerned about your damn university. anymore, which is also something I'm. quite pleased about. Now, I don't know. if we can deliver on that, but even the. initial. we give them an advance like like with a.

book deal, and even the initial advance. generally is a sizable sum. It depends. to some degree on their following, right? Because we do some economic. calibration, but. I would love to be in a position where I. could take like the best thousand. lectures in the world, bring them onto. Peterson Academy, give them financial. independence cuz that would be really. amusing, and then to bring what they. have to say to to everyone for like for. almost no cost. You first put you've. taken a first principle approach to.

trying to build a university, um. bringing the best professors together, giving them the freedom, making sure. they're not they're not censored in any. way, giving them the audience and the. remuneration and appreciation they. deserve. When does this university, Peterson Academy, launch? Early 2024. We already have 30 courses. uh recorded, something like that. I'll. put the link to the university in the. description below on on this episode, but also you can just search Peterson's. University online, and it comes up the. first thing.

We usually have a closing tradition on. this podcast where the last guest leaves. a question for the next guest in the. diary. But um I wanted to ask you my own. question because it was quite pivotal to. our It was really informative, and the. honesty you brought with it in our last. conversation really changed my life in a. number of ways. How? I'll tell you after I ask you a. question. Okay. The question is. how are you doing? Good. Good. You know, I I still have a lot of pain.

So that's annoying, but. not anywhere near as much as I did have. when I was really sick. So like I almost always feel like I have. a relatively serious flu. Achy. It's some neurological problem, and I. have no idea what it is, and neither. does anyone else. But. but I'm not anxious at all, and my head. is very clear, and. I have such a ridiculously interesting. life that. the the the leftover trouble is.

basically irrelevant. You know, I wish. it would go away, but whatever, it's not. that big a problem. So and I I mean, I just have an. absolutely. miraculous realm of opportunity in front. of me. It's crazy. Every day I have is. so interesting that it's almost. unbearable. And I would tell people who. are listening, you know, you might want that for yourself, let's. say. You might want to have that, and I. can tell you. you can One way to increase the. probability that things will unfold for.

you properly is to is to not lie. Just stop lying. Period. Stop saying things you believe to be. untrue. Talk Stop doing things you know. to be wrong. Just start with that. You'll get closer and closer to the. truth, and the truth is the truth is the. adventure of life. That's the advantage to the truth. You have the world on your side. But obviously, cuz if you're lying about. things, you're opposing reality. Who are you?

Who are you to oppose reality? Good. luck. Unbearable. It's almost unbearable. Your life is so. exciting and so full of opportunities. that it's almost unbearable. Yeah, yeah, it's like an action. adventure movie all the time. It's. crazy. It's crazy. You know, wherever I go, I can talk to. whoever I want, essentially. You know, I'm going from country to. country. People stop me on the streets. They're happy to see me. It's like I.

have friends wherever I go. Really, it's crazy. And people, you. know, they feel they know me cuz they've. been watching hours often, and they do. know me. You know, I don't know them, but they certainly approach me on good. terms. You know, and so and I go I just was in. nine different countries, and I have a. team of people who set up meetings for. me, like dinner meetings and so on in. these countries, and they're always. people. They're well-placed people in. the political realm and the culture. realm. They're hyper-interesting people, and you know, so I meet 30 people like.

that every second day in in different. countries all over the world. And so and. then I have these podcasts, and I can. basically phone anyone I want. who I would like to talk to, and they'll. talk to me. And so, you know, three. times a week I get to sit down with. someone who's like a bloody genius, and. for 90 minutes they'll tell me a whole. bunch of things I don't know. So that's. superbly interesting. And so and you know, my books are. selling like mad, and I am writing. another one which I'm really interested.

in, and yeah, it's great. It's. ridiculously interesting. And you can. I truly believe that people have that at. hand. They have You have that at hand. That's there for you. Jordan, thank you. My pleasure. It's always good to talk. with you. It's always good to talk with. you, too, and it's You've given me a a. gift as you did last time in so many. ways. So thank you so much for making. the decision cuz I know you could be. anywhere. So for you to come here, I. that that that honor and that that. decision is not lost on me. So means a.

lot to me. Thank you so much for the. work that you do. Yeah, well, I'll tell. you just so you know, too. It's like. there's a reason I'm here, you know, I. have a team that cuz I do have a lot of. requests, and. when you have more requests than you can. possibly. fulfill, there's a certain pain in that because. there's the requests are almost always. of some quality. You know, so we triage, and we're looking for people whose. podcasts have reach and who have been. successful and who will conduct a. straightforward and honest interview and. that will, you know, that are aiming up.

and that won't play games, and there's a. reason I'm here, and the reason I'm here. is because of the work that you've done. So. right, it's no favor. I'm glad to be here, but I'm I'm here. because. this is the right place to be right now. So congratulations on that. Thank you so much. A quick word on Huel. As you know, they. were a sponsor of this podcast, and I'm. an investor in the company. It is. finally here, 3 years of work from Huel.

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