Jonny Wilkinson: Winning The World Cup Led To My Darkest Days | E131

could you do me a quick favor if you're. listening to this please hit the follow. or subscribe button it helps more than. you know and we invite subscribers in. every month to watch the show in person. i had to achieve i had to be perfect i. guess ultimately take on the suffering. the player of the tournament johnny. wilkinson a genuine. sporting legend how much pressure has. this man been under this week for me it. was do or die on the field so therefore. where other people kind of called it. quits and threw in the towel i didn't. have the. choice this will go down in history was.

your mental health better or worse after. that moment when i was on the field in. the zone i was operating at a level i. couldn't even understand. waking up the next morning you know. leaves you in the cold light of day i. thought there was going to be joy here i. was convinced there isn't. i spent my life. being very fit but not really that. healthy. health is about what fitness can come. out of unless you look after health it's. dangerous. people say i wish i'd made more of my. life wish i'd enjoyed every moment but. that starts with health working on.

someone else really doesn't work for. anyone working on yourself tends to work. for everyone. so without further ado. i'm stephen bartlett and this is the. diary of a ceo i hope nobody's listening. but if you are then please keep this. yourself. [Music]. johnny. um you went on to become one of the real. greats in rugby and i remember watching. you in my living room as a very very.

young kid on the screen in awes not just. in that 2003 moment but but long before. then and when i think about when i sit. here with guests that are athletes or. successful entrepreneurs or whatever. they might be. they sometimes but not usually can give. me a sort of a fairly accurate. description of what happened in the. earlier phases of life that would would. mold them to become that champion or. that ceo that they later were you're. someone that is incredibly self-aware so. i was very much looking forward to. asking you the same question which is. when you reflect on the early stages of.

your life what were the like defining. um molding experiences for better or for. worse that you would point at and say. that's probably why. or at least that led to in part who i. became later in life. um. i think. the best way of answering that would be. to say that. in my younger days i'm very young. without any. any kind of. triggering.

events. certainly not that i can um. remember or ever ever sort of come into. contact with. i had enormous passion. and. some kind of. adeptness. for bulls skills. so if i had a ball in my hand. things just made sense i could work out. i could i could. in my sort of head i could have a.

some some sort of target some sort of. goal something to do with that ball and. i could. i could work it out. that was part of the intelligence i had. was just. i could bring those things about. relatively effortlessly. and i had a real passion for exploring. that it still is the case with me i. still find myself. playing basketball and. and often so much of this i'll do on my. own. because it's my relationship with that. inner capacity i have.

that interests me not to show what i can. do but it's that sense of i guess being. at home. and that's where a huge amount of the. revelations that i have in life come. from from that kind of relationship. however there was also another. relationship which again without the. triggering. event um. i grew up with an immense sense of. doom and fear about everything so i had. this incredible sort of passion and. inclination towards.

expressing myself with with balls and. skills and. and in competition as well but the. competition side. was a need. that wasn't a desire the the the. achievement um all that stuff was. obsessive. um. but from a negative perspective because. i had this sense of doom surrounding. everything. that was my disconnect if you like i saw. other people handling situations that. seemed so simple to them but for me.

insurmountable and yet when they looked. at me with regards to ah you know with a. ball in my hand what they thought was. impossible for me just was relatively. straightforward and i think those two. sides of my path meant that. i had this. constant uh. drive to just. find myself in a garden with a ball in. my hand that's all all hours of the day. and night most of the time. it's all i talk about all i talked about. what i spoke about all i did and yet on.

the other hand i had this ever-present. fear that i built this. if you like. defense mechanism coping strategy. but ultimately identity. around how to. somehow. survive that fear and that that. for me that mechanism i put in place was. i had to. achieve i had to be perfect. and i had to.

i guess ultimately take on the suffering. and and live that kind. of martyr savior. stroke. warrior archetype and as such i found. myself. really really uncomfortable. with when things were seemingly going. well it just yeah i found that. horrendously difficult to handle as a. result i would revert to that defense. mechanism of creating problems. if there weren't so i was constantly.

looking in a state of kind of survival. for where the next problem was because i. was convinced with this ever-present. sense of fear that there was a threat. and it was there and so yeah those two. paths essentially. weaved in and out with each other. throughout my entire life but there was. no doubt that my ability on the field at. times to be in that zone was where i. felt my genius but at the same time. the other strength i had was that for me. it was do or die on the field so.

therefore where other people kind of. called it quits and threw in the towel. i didn't have the choice. yeah the fear didn't just drop off and. let me just sit down for a bit so i. could go and go and go and go. when you talked about your childhood. there you said. despite there being a traumatic event. that had created this kind of. perspective you had about. um. this sort of fear but also this sense of. real peace and homelessness you. described it when you have a ball yeah. um. your dad phil was a a rugby player and a.

football player uh cricket cricket chris. yeah yeah rugby and cricket yeah it was. just two things okay what was his. influence on you because it's you know. when i when i read that he was also a. sports player in his own right um. that's kind of typically the story you. expect to hear i sat here with eddie. hearn as well his dad worked in the same. business i've sat here with ceos their. dad worked in the same business and the. interesting thing i i. connected and i'm not making any. assumptions here so i'm asking the. question is. in the case of eddie in the case of um.

uma kamani who was at boohoo. they describe a very similar thing a. real sense of kind of almost innate. feeling of pressure to succeed. and they also at times couldn't. necessarily tell you where it comes from. what did you either of your parents play. a role in that in that perceived sense. of pressure to succeed. no. i sort of like i said. i'm heavily into the introspective. side of all this and and part of that. kind of.

search now for potential is is where. that's moved it used to be. grabbing the external and trying to. expand physically you know what more can. i have what more can how can more people. know my name or everything that could. almost. expand my reach and and. presence on a physical level now no. really no longer interests me it's it's. how to allow. my presence you know in that. non-physical space. um. and my. sort of. journey of looking into that has meant.

you know i've i've questioned everything. and yeah my. my upbringing was. was you know fantastic in terms of that. you know and. uh. i had every opportunity to go and. do what i wanted to do um. i have my brother there as well. and my parents all sporty. but. there was just something in me which had. latched on yeah and this is something i. feel maybe it's something i brought with. me into this world from a you know like. a karmic positioning whereby.

i was always going to grab things that. way i was i was susceptible to. understanding things a certain way um. but for me you know i i. i sort of pushed my parents hard yeah i. can't imagine it was easy my brother too. and the way that i was. i was sort of i challenged them in ways. you know i didn't give up. and a lot of that like i said was well. all of the. the irrational stuff came from the need. for them it was baffling but you know. they had their lives and i appreciate.

that. as is always the case that. people are always doing their best and. that's what i remember about our family. the most is that everyone's always doing. their best and i look at everyone now. and realize that. you know people are where they're. supposed to be and just. giving it their all and and what's been. so so powerful for me is just being able. to. switch that interest with what giving my. best means is more than. unlocking and letting go and shedding. than a. what more can i grab and and you know.

where that path turned around is perhaps. where you know where i felt. the the true understanding of of what. this journey's been about as opposed to. where i was looking to where did it come. from what happened here et cetera et. cetera it's more of a kind of uh it was. just about that you said something there. which some people might skip over which. is you said it might have been something. you inherited karmically or you know and. that reminded me of something i'd heard. you say previously about. being able to sort of inherit. generational.

messages or um whatever that might be do. you believe in that do you believe that. we're passing messages from one. generation to another within within. ourselves and that that is shaping our. lives. yeah i believe that the. the role of karma is basically a memory. and it's that kind of. it's it's the way we've remembered. things and whilst. for me example for example when i'm. stuck in that really physical. identification of this is who i am. as in on me i'm johnny and then i do.

have a start to my story in an end. but as i've been. sort of exploring letting go a bit more. of that. that kind of physical identity of right. now. i just tend to feel that it opens up a. different understanding of memory you. know. if we're a process of that evolution. then the cells in our body have a memory. that goes back a long way. yeah and. that's impossible to separate you know. where we come from from parents and.

where they from their parents from their. parents from their parents you know. everything is all interconnected. but we put a stop and a start on it and. it seems yeah one of the things i find. so so interesting when looking at that. is that. i'm very interested in the science side. of it too and looking at. the desire of science to find. you know what it is that we're made of. and yet they keep coming up with it's. nothing and then they go to well what is. it we're living in. and they keep finding out that it's. unending. and yet who we are we seem to manage to.

say despite the fact it's made of. nothing and it's unending we found a way. of saying but we're made of this we. start here and we stop there it just. doesn't make sense to me anymore whereas. before you know you live in those. boundaries. what you see. inherits those boundaries and i think as. i've released those you start to. not so much question but just allow. for different understandings to take. hold and one of those is that. that you know i find it fascinating to. look at yeah i've got a young child and. i find it fascinating to look at.

children enter and they're all so. different. how are they so different. and then you say oh well. yeah it's it might be to do with how. their parents have behaved during the. during the the sort of um. you know the the months preceding the. birth and. yes but. even then. why are the parents behaving that way. goes on and on and it just goes back to. the same way that i still believe that. we're all doing our best. but there's a part which we bring with. us into this into this space and you.

know i feel like there is there is. nature and there's there's that nurture. side but that nature yeah but that. that nurturing has been going on forever. and it's and it's important that we have. a bias and a. stance. because without it. i don't think you can have this physical. experience. unless there's something holding you in. it. and i think that's the point is to find. out what that is and. and engage with it embrace it and enjoy. it. and what is holding you within this. physical experience what is your stance. it's.

so so interesting that question you know. at the beginning i'd have said um. oh you know this what i'm telling you. about my. fear. and then i'm talking about my need to. survive and then unlocking that and. going beyond it and you think i. understand it and you get challenged. again oh where did that come from i. think i understand that now and i feel. so much challenged again where do these. challenges keep coming from. and i think that's the. the part of me understanding what my. stance is is an ongoing process.

an ongoing process of just enjoying. challenge and embracing it. i think i. use the kind of. expression when i talk to some of the. guys i i train. with and and the when they're they're. doing their sort of kicking with the the. rugby. is that it's all about sort of finding. that absolute piece and an inner. environment that allows you to go and. explore. this opportunity you've got ahead of you. and every time you find you you can't.

find that state. it's because you're holding on to. something it's never because you don't. know something or because you haven't. learned something it's because. you're holding on to something you don't. need. and you have sessions right at the end. of it people are feeling like i feel. amazing and you're kind of thinking yeah. great just wait till tomorrow. because this idea is tomorrow. i'll still feel amazing but then the. next day you're how do you feel i don't. know i just feel a bit like this why. it's because each of those sessions that. we're doing it's like a light that. shines into your your garage where you.

think you've cleared out all the bags in. your garage that you don't need anymore. and then you think that's all clear and. then a slightly brighter light comes in. the next day and you're like oh there's. loads of stuff over there i didn't see. that i better go and clear that now that. the more you clear the more space you. find in there. but to think you're going to get to the. end of that. for me to think i'm going to sort of. find out why i'm here. what i think i'm going to find out is. it's my choice to be here and that's the. beautiful part is the proactive reason. for being here. as we said in the question it was like. what's holding you here i think now.

probably the the way i really see that. is is what's my calling what's my. purpose when that's fulfilled. uh that'll be an interesting moment but. i don't see that being anytime soon. it's really interesting reframing of the. situation because we you're right we. spend our lives looking for some kind of. external. given reason for us are in existence but. flipping that and saying. well yeah i'm choosing to be here and. i'm choosing to be here because of the. purpose that i've decided on um. it's a really powerful thing because you.

know i mean. in my dms and messages i get from kids. it's this kind of outside external. search for this easter egg that they. were born to find called their passion. and their purpose yeah and when they. can't find the singular easter egg. somewhere they fall into such tremendous. like frustration and feelings of. inadequacy i haven't found my purpose. that means i'm a piece of [ __ ] and you. know that kind of that spiral downwards. one of the things you. you touched on there was um. the feeling of peace and you you know. and then. the um and also.

just before that um you talked about. letting go of um. something because we're holding on to. something and that thing often is. identity and expectation something i've. definitely done in my life is held too. much onto a sense of identity and that's. really caused me lots of problems as i. read through your story starting from. your very early days in newcastle to. later it became apparent that you were. you're holding more and more onto this. expectation and identity which you'd.

earned from your accomplishment. and that was having a detrimental impact. on your peace. yeah so talk to me about identity and. the journey you've been on there um i. think. for me. perhaps overriding understanding and it. comes i think from a lot of the way i. doubt my sort of immature days of. trying to understand that fear and what. was going to. transcend it what was going to help me. transcend it and that understanding was. i'll solve it. and when i solve it. this fear.

machine. will suddenly turn into a joy machine my. suffering is going to result in joy. interestingly enough. by. feeding that fear with all the. reassurance whether it be hours and. hours and hours upon of kicking or. training that's telling me you know. giving me the greatest guarantee i could. possibly hope for which was no guarantee. at all never did anything but. it never sort of fulfilled itself. satisfied itself but that was the best i. could do.

to try and reassure the fear of that. moment would say look i can do it you. don't have to worry i can do it. but of course as soon as i stop doing it. the fear comes back and says can you. really do it better do another one and. so trying to solve it. by feeding reassurance to a fear machine. the fear machine just becomes a bigger. fear machine that needs more reassurance. to get the same hit. trying to get that that same hit just. meant more and more reassurance so. you're building i was building greater. habits and needs to keep suffering.

so i could keep solving so you lock. yourself into that cycle. and. that cycle. when you're locked into it. compared to when you're not. that's the only difference between why. you speak about expectation and fear of. failure and pressure is just because. you're in the cycle it's not a reality. to life it's the reality to the cycle. certainly to my cycle. and when i'm outside of that when i'm. feeling good for example in the middle. of the game where you're you're in the. zone if you could articulate anything in.

that. sort of. mind space. you know what's the pressure like in. there. what are you talking about. how can there be a pressure to now when. you're in the now. there's no consequences to the now. because it's now there's no then or. before or after. so you can't have consequences you can't. have pressure. it's now and so. deeply understanding that versus the. cycle. i guess was where i realized what i was.

trying to do with all this identity was. answer something. was answer a problem the identity was. creating the problem and the identity. was about solving the problem. i had to keep the problem to keep the. identity and i had to keep trying. solving it to keep the identity as well. and it was never going to go anywhere. and i think my big. issue with all that was i was trying to. answer something i was trying to find as. we said before in a world made of. nothing universe made it nothing that's. that's ever ongoing i was trying to find. that answer. and that answer for me was.

from a an identity perspective was about. working stuff out logically. and yet all my peace and my joy came. from when my mind was. being. i guess. inspired by my heart. i spent most of my time trying to. almost uh i guess. inform my heart through my head. it was what i trying to do i wasn't. listening to that one moment where i.

felt. beautiful. and then learning from that i was. learning from the 99 where i was feeling. so stressed and suffering and i was. using that as my guide i was using my. head as my guide and i think. the undoubtedly the the change in me has. been. to let go of the need to find an answer. to have that trust in that there is not. going to be an answer. there is going to be. um an ev expanding beautiful journey. which when you remove the answer it's no. longer a journey because it's not going. anywhere it's an adventure.

and then that's what the now feels like. to me i think you know for me that. identity. was a massive relative. existence on a social level. how did i measure up how did i compare. all of that to do with trying to answer. that problem basically. to have this fear i'm somehow not worthy. or deserving of having what i want how i. want it. and therefore i've got to manipulate it. by looking for what's going to get in. the way of it and how can i control that.

to see if i can get some of it anyway. instead of that feeling when you're in. the now which is. this universe. is working for me. and we're friends we're not yeah we're. not trying to. enter into some kind of. tricky sort of. i don't know shady deal. where you know we're both trying to con. each other it's like no no we're we're. in this together so mike is there some. game where one of you can win and the. other one yeah yeah it was yeah for me. that was always the guess why you could. never rest easy because.

something went well that was the time to. be like oh you know. this is where. your life might have lost out because. i'm doing well so life's not gonna how's. life gonna come back and get me because. i've just tricked life you know i've. gotten something out of it and it's now. like i was gonna want repayment for this. and you're gonna get injured or. something you're gonna get injured or. you're gonna and i guess in a way when. you pride yourself on that perfectionism. and the achievements and the. which achievements basically also comes. down to how other people see you feel. about you what they think of you.

and. when you sort of. yeah when you enter into to that kind of. space. it's uh you know. humiliation is perhaps. the biggest fall. you know that's the one when you pride. yourself so much on being perfect. the thing that scares the. the hell out of you i think on from a. physical perspective it's living and. dying on an identity level it's. humiliation. and yeah that was at the basis of a lot. of the training was it would be so.

humiliating for me and the more. well-known you become the greater the. opportunity of humiliation when you're. the unknown it's kind of like it doesn't. matter too much you know when you're. playing down at the park and you miss. one no one's watching you kind of like i. can handle that but you know 80 000. people millions on tv when everyone. knows you and they're all thinking don't. worry he's got this. yeah that's the moment your. your battle with. you know fear perfectionism whatever you. want to call it ultimately led to an. obsession on the training ground right.

because you describe that obsession on. the training ground is actually a. distraction from the fear that like. really never worked in terms of filling. the void um i i sat here as you were. saying that i said. if. johnny at. 16 17 18 or before. had the mindset. you have now. would he ever become the player he went. on to become like if a 16 year old who. is very similar to johnny is listening. to this right now and he takes on all.

the advice that you're giving about. being present and you know removing the. fear and living without expectation etc. and living in the now um. would that increase or reduce his. chances of becoming. world cup champion. yeah it's a it's a good one. and. in some ways i'd have answered that. quite simply by saying. it was when i was at my best.

that i was already doing this. so in 1718 when i was on the field in. the zone i was. operating at a level i couldn't even. understand. and that's because i i was having the. mindset that i'm. talking about now right so i was already. having it and it was in those moments. that i really shone. so it's not like i never had it it's. just that when i did have it in those. years. i knew i was onto something. it's just the relationship i had was. that in order to.

to get in the zone i need to suffer like. mad and the more i sort of like started. succeeding and feeling a bit of the zone. the more i said i better suffer some. more the more suffering the more zone. but of course you just overload the. suffering and you've got no room left. for anything now and i think. working with guys now is the best way to. answer this is that. i'm kind of. answering that question by working with. people. in that younger space. and.

one thing that's certainly. yeah it's actually very it's impossible. to do anyway but it's it's also not the. right idea is to remove too much of. someone's suffering because you remove. growth so when i say suffering probably. challenges is a better word you know. obviously we don't want anyone to suffer. but if you remove too much of the. challenge you remove the opportunity for. growth so in a way. i was going to have challenge then in. whatever form. and i needed challenge i needed just. like saying if you keep winning.

all the time you just see a plateau in. your performance. and so i didn't want people to agree. with me all the time i didn't want to be. written about in the paper as being the. best all the time as much as asked me. before the game i'd have said please. just let me know everything's perfect. but actually looking back. those challenges those moments of. conflict. it's what asks you to step up and go. again so i needed the challenge i needed. all that suffering. but it's just where it crosses the line. and becomes.

counterintuitive and and. counterproductive. there needs to be. an understanding of how to. relate to the challenge so that you. don't face the same one over and over. again i think that's what i would. i would have been interested to see was. you know if you'd have gained some. ground on that challenge then what other. challenge would have come not that would. have been it but it would have been a. different route to see. um but it's largely irrelevant it's not. something i ever think about because.

it's got. what i've been through and. and what i've experienced in that way. doesn't make me anything. you know the past doesn't make the now. the now is the now. um and i think you know who i am. is how i relate to that now and if i'm. carrying around this big idea of how i. got here and what i've understood i'm. just. separating myself from the now. and that's so big if i come into the now. saying here i'm bringing a past in can i. get in the door they're now saying no no.

that key doesn't fit. you can't bring the past in here. you have to choose you're going to live. you're going to live. sort of. disconnected from the now and you can. have your past. or if you're going to allow that and and. have a different relationship with that. then you can have more of me you can. have more of the now i think that's uh. the same goes with the future you know. the more you carry your past the more. you you're carrying your future at the. same time but that same same principle.

applies you know if you really want the. now it's a case of well you've got to. align with it and ask the now you know. what's the now trying to do nothing what. are you trying to do something okay well. there's the disconnect and i think. that's been huge in those moments on i. always come back to that moment on the. field when i'm in the zone. your identity's gone. you you there's no it's me doing this. it's me trying to do this there's just. doing. as this happened with the 2003 drop goal.

it's the one moment that i can say. genuinely. um. it was happening without me involved. i was able to embrace it and enjoy it. and experience it but there was no me. trying to do it. it happened whilst i was in it. but it wasn't me doing it. is that. alluding to the fact that you were in a. flow state in that moment. yeah i mean whatever flow state means to. to anyone it's basically. that kind of understanding.

i guess that there was. for me what felt like a. very very. immediate. relationship between what i was desiring. and intending on the inside. and the manifestation of it. was almost instantaneous. as opposed to the way people look at it. which is like i've got my goals and. and over time you know they're gonna. come together to form this it was. it was almost kind of instantaneous in. that respect. and that's that's where that sense of.

past and future disappeared because it. was. inside outside. were. you lost their separation. was your mental health um. better or worse after that moment. um. i think it was a. a sort of. catalyst for maybe a. a deepening or intensifying or an. acceleration of what was already in. place.

definitely. but it wasn't. a brand new thing. it was just a bit of a a deeper. i guess experience of it it came for. better or for worse for um well i mean. guess depending on how you look at the. challenge it was a. for example the emptiness. was just a bit more severe because. winning the world cup was the main goal. so. winning.

the game. and the six the other the grand slam or. or getting selected for this or that. were huge goals. and the little parts of emptiness. afterwards that came. um. were was a bit less because. one it wasn't the main goal and two also. because it wasn't the main goal the net. the main goal was still in place which. meant you were therefore still moving. towards something. i think because the main goal. was so important but also afterwards. there wasn't that clarity of where i go.

next yeah that was a bit of a deeper. drop into that space of what's this all. about and how does that feel in detail. that you describe it as a deeper drop. just just a a sense of confusion and. sort of bewilderment with the idea that. there was a promise here. there was a promise albeit one i've made. to myself but it's such a deep such a. strong one. and a well-defined one that said it's. gonna happen.

i've worked hard for this i've done all. i was asked i've done all i asked myself. to do. again i keep sort of you know. i can't abide by the idea that you know. that there is this somehow this external. i used to use the blame and the. sort of offset that responsibility and. hand it over to something on the outside. to say oh yeah that's why i'm feeling. this way but now you know it all comes. from the inside but even so. that promise felt strong it felt real it. felt. um. and that you feel a bit sort of.

cheated but also confused because. there is no one to blame there is. nothing to grab there's nothing tangible. that says the other stood there saying. you know well yeah i got you there. tonight it's like. where now what now and then there's also. a little bit of that extra confusion to. say well what's the point of the next. one the promise was that you'd receive. some kind of euphoric joy yeah and. fulfillment and. yeah it is the hollywood. ending. but of course hollywood films have that.

privilege of. the credits coming up and. and leaves you with your imagination and. your imagination it always just. it's not in detail but you just think. wow how great for them but of course. should that camera carry on for even. another hour. you get you get stomach in there and. yeah that's all it took after the world. cup final you know. we went to a private party and you start. thinking oh we'll go there and have a. chance to chat that's going to be great. when you get there it's.

oh these people you know that this isn't. private why they're letting you know i. can't even get here to see there's no. space you know it's already in. it's going and. but i think yeah. waking up the next morning's a big one. that night's sleep. you know leaves you in the cold light of. day. when it's all you know you're looking. sort of at the the room and the hotel. and it's a it's it's just as is. and it's it's not shining you know said. this before a few times i've spoken. there aren't people waiting outside the.

door willing to you know hoist you on. their shoulders and carry down to. breakfast where you've got your own. special table it just. it is but it's so powerfully. kind of beautiful in that way in the way. that it allows you to. at some point understand that. there's also a really great reason for. why you feel that way because it's just. it's a it's a pointer to. there's a disconnect here. it's nothing to do with what's going on. the outside it's just there's a.

misunderstanding here. and. an opportunity but that opportunity as. you said how do you move on to the next. one. it involves some vulnerability because. you can't walk in the shoes of the same. identity. but head in that other direction the. identity is the direction you're heading. in. you need. you know. a new identity a more spacious one a. more open one but that's vulnerability. that's you know to to do that you have. to.

shed those. those. solid lines you've drawn up which have. kept you. safe and given you your. your standoutness. to others they can see you because. you're drawing yourself in solid lines. you can say this is who i am and you. talk about yourself in that way and it. feels like that's purpose and that's. that's kind of meaning and worth. but it's it's asking you to let that go. and that's humiliation as we're talking. about it's a humbling journey. and it's vulnerability and i wasn't. ready for it at that time definitely not.

what also didn't help was the the game. after that i first played after that for. my club was two weeks later and in that. game. i crossed the line on a neck injury it'd. been building for a long long time over. years and in that game it probably. went and i spent the next couple of. months without being able to move my arm. and then. surgery and all this talk about you may. never come back and of course you've. gone from. this is what i do this is who i am to i. don't really know what's going on. anymore and now i can't even do what i. do so i can't even be those solid lines.

i can't present anymore now i'm watching. other people do it so. it's an amazing. coming together. of circumstance to really point you and. say hey. what do you think should we have a look. at something else. that's like nah so i was i was on the. exercise bike the day after my neck. operation. with a neck brace on my brother came in. and saw me we were living together saw. me and sort of said what are you doing. and it's the need i've got to get back. to where i was and this is such a. powerful.

thought is that. we want growth you want progress you. want to advance and to explore and find. new things and yet. the way i was going to do that was going. back. that's how i was going to find new stuff. i have to get back to who i was and how. i was. and yet deep inside me what i wanted was. and what i began my journey was i want. to find out what i'm capable of what i. was actually saying in this moment was. i want to go back to what i've had. to where i've been.

that was a big big moment i just wasn't. quite ready to listen to it and as soon. as you do get back which i did for a. little bit before getting injured again. and again and again which was the stress. of all that that need and obsession. it's enough. because just enough of the old habits. and the triggers come in with people. around you saying oh you're doing great. so good to have you back in it. i'm back. but of course. it just it's just enough to hold you off. making that. that step in the other direction.

and uh yeah that came about later on. i i resonate so much with that and my my. moment of i guess which is analogous to. your moment of being injured and being. trying to be back on the bike was when i. resigned from my company i kind of. looked at it and fell into the belief. that if i spend the rest of my life. living out these labels that i've earned. through my accomplishments social media. ceo or like entrepreneur or whatever um. i would likely end up abandoning my true. self and probably end up in like some. kind of mid-life crisis so at that point.

as i write about my book my objective. became okay if i had no labels who would. who would i be and trying to really live. a life free from my confining identity. and be free to be the full expression of. myself. is the journey i find myself in now is. that what you mean when you say um. you were trying to get to the point of. understanding um. all you can be. is that what you're describing there. i i think what comes to mind when you're. saying that. for me was and it's also another way of. looking at the identity thing i think. you're speaking about is that.

the more i've released those. boundaries of identity the more creative. i've become. and there's nothing more creative than. being in that zone as i say when those. boundaries are gone you're so creative. that you suddenly see things. and you put you join dots together in. ways that you can't imagine they could. ever have been and yet it's so easy it's. so effortless creativity is an. is an effortless. kind of capacity that we have it's not. one that needs trying to be involved.

when you're becoming creative you don't. try to be creative that's the whole. point of not being creative is you allow. and you explore and what comes out. is surely more of what's really who we. are. and i think the thing for me and. that was that as a child i had that i. had that creative ability. and what i did was i embraced and i. celebrated. my creativity. as i got older what i did was i held on. to my creation and that was another way.

of saying identity. so as i began to attach myself to what. it was i was creating instead of. exploring the creativity and the process. there i formed the identity because it. was the identity is look at what i. create you can't have an identity as a. creator because then it's still look at. what i create i'm a creator but to have. no identity i think in that respect to. be nothing on the inside as they say is. to be everything on the outside. allows you to to create and therefore.

such a real interesting moniker or. marker rather for me is. how creative. do i feel right now. and to set the. environmental conditions internally. for creativity. effortlessness relaxation. excitement passion and ultimately. on the spiritual level. worthiness. and i think that you know when i say.

about for me. that's been where it's changed because. you you can't be fully creative. and insist upon. the creation how it's going to turn out. and needing that guarantee that's. control. i'm going to be so creative as long as. it turns out like this. so you're not going to allow it to go. anywhere new you're not creating. anything you're almost you've got a. blueprint you're you're organizing. and i didn't after a while i think i. realized i didn't want to organize and.

manage my talent i wanted to celebrate. it and like you said be all you can be i. want to see where it can go i want to. and all i can be means going beyond. identity the best i can be means within. my identity. the best ever is within a very small. identity. you want to be the best ever that's a. very small identity and you went through. those three phases right you write about. the first phase was you wanted to be the. best ever then you wanted to be the. second one was your best i can be the. best you can be and the third is you. want to be which is where you find.

yourself now all you can do yeah it just. determines the strength of the idea or. opinion behind it i want to be the best. ever is a very strong idea this is there. are some game right yeah yeah and that's. hugely massive comparison massive. competition massive measuring up massive. dependence upon other people's views. yeah how do you know you're the best. ever because someone says i do right i'm. going to work on you i'm not going to. work on myself i'm going to work on your. opinion. um the second one the best i can be is. is an idea still what's my best well i. was good then so it needs to be that but.

a bit more okay it's still a strong idea. you're still limiting yourself all i can. be. is looking at the eye. not looking at the rugby player. you know because the best i can be is. okay i'm gonna be the best father i'm. gonna be the best and these are all. great pursuits but they still don't. match up to what about. just. this being. how how. how much can i be in terms of how can i. explore my being. the best i can be still.

just shifts over to doing. the best ever is all about doing. it's all about physicality best i can be. a bit less all i can be drops the. physical and that's where creativity. comes in you know being creative. physically means moving stuff around. being creative which is effort but being. really creative means you can sit. and just be. and that's where i think all the all the. opportunities. quick one as the seasons have begun to. change so has my diet and um.

right now i'm just going to be. completely honest with you i'm starting. to think a lot about. slimming down a little bit because over. the last couple of probably the last. four or five months my diet has been. pretty bad um and it started to show a. little bit really over the last two. months i go to the gym about 80 percent. of the time so i track it with 10 of my. friends in a whatsapp group and this. tracker online that we all use together. we call it fitness blockchain and i'm. currently at 81 percent. um so 81 of the days i've done a workout. in the last 150 days right so i'm going.

to the gym about six times a week. that's been a little bit impacted by the. derivatio live tour but i'm trying to. stick to it. and so one of the things i'm doing now. to reduce my calorie intake and trying. to get back to being nutritionally. complete and all i eat is i'm having the. heel protein shake thank you hill for. making a product that i actually like. the salted caramel is my favorite i've. got the banana one here which is the one. my girlfriend likes but for me salted. caramel is. the one. there'll be people listening to this.

that are you know they left university. they went to school and now they're a. lawyer and they've been a lawyer for 15. years or they might be i don't know a. dentist now they've been a dentist for. 20 years and. a lot of the time when i speak to these. people there's this other voice inside. them that's been suppressed over time. which is probably all they can be and. they've got really consumed in this. identity which they're like parents. wanted them to adopt of being a doctor. or a lawyer whatever it might be. um. it when i speak to these people they are. seemingly trapped by something and um.

that that force that's trapping them. seems to be so much stronger than the. other voice which is which they. sometimes can even point to as being a. more fulfilling life which is i guess. all they can be they want to go and be. an artist they speak to me before my. show they show me their instagram and. they're the most unbelievable artist. i've ever seen in my life and they their. face lights up when they talk about that. thing but when i ask them what they do. they say yeah i work in the city i work. in finance for like kpmg or something. and you can see the dread in their face. how does someone start the journey and i. think you alluded to vulnerability there.

but how does someone start the journey. of going from that place. of you know confinement and identity and. i am this thing that i've earned through. my achievements to being all i can be in. a practical way what's how does that. change. i think that voice that inner calling as. you just said is is passion and. excitement. versus the duty and the need and the. fulfilling the the roles. if you like of society and i think. therefore. for me the way that works is that.

you you add to the passion excitement. constantly and allow that to look after. your deepest intention which is always i. want to spend i think. all my time fully present which means. doing what i love doing. being who i feel like i'm meant to be as. much as that will keep evolving and. changing so therefore it comes down to. following your highest passion and.

excitement in every moment. and people might argue straight away. well how can i do that if i've got to be. at work at. seven in the morning and i've got to do. this and i've got to go and traipse. across town to get here yes but within. the boundaries of what you have to do. what's your highest excitement follow. that so you know i've got to drive. across here and it's going to take me. two hours and. but then when you're in the car. tune in to what's my highest passion. excitement i love this podcast okay go. that's it i really want to listen i've.

got that my. hands free i'm going to phone so-and-so. because i just thought of them and i. really want to chat to them follow that. intuitive instinctive impulsive side. that comes from. what you want. and. when that gains momentum. i think. the way it works is that. the universe responds by providing more. and more opportunities to do more and. more of what you like so that you your. highest impassioned excitement. the environment allows for you to really.

do more and more what you really love. doing but you've got to start the ball. rolling by saying right within this. moment right now. how can i what's my highest passion. excitement. how can i be. how can i bring more of me. into this as opposed to allow this to. take away more of me. and i think that. is a journey that just. looks after itself you know it's on a. physical level it's the do what you the. little things you can do set goals and. allow them to you know what you focus on.

what you can do and allow it to expand. and. and. grow into the most amazing things. it's the same way of just doing that on. an internal level it's just follow your. heart and it might be physical it might. just be things i love thinking about. it's it even if it comes down to. to being you know you're you're stuck in. a lift and you're kind of like and it's. a tiny lift and you're going to be there. for maybe for a while. okay but. people talk about going to a happy place. but that's what's my highest passionate.

excitement oh what i love to be doing. now paint it. picture it think of it dream it feel it. all those kind of things all these. things are amazing things to be doing. and if you're following your highest. passion if you're enjoying and embracing. this moment i spoke to someone recently. saying that. you know to know you're on track for. your future manifestations of your. dreams. the indicator is often how deeply are. you embracing and enjoying this moment. now. and once you find yourself loving this. moment it's amazing how much things just.

fall into place for you. and i think that's the key to is to be. able to say whatever it is whatever you. can do. do it. and bring it to this and i think. that voice that says oh i can't do this. i can't do that it's not possible i. shouldn't do this or it's not right is. another way of saying. i i can't be me. it's so interesting because when you. were saying that i was thinking about. the former version of myself at 18. living in manchester and most side where. you know i i was very very i had nothing.

and i was shoplifting as i've talked. about a million times food to feed. myself but in that moment i was although. i was working in call centers at night. night shifts i was so unbelievably. excited by life because i was also. designing my website in my designing my. future business in my lunch time in my. breaks of that call center. um. and. people i've said this for years and i. don't think people believed me but i. i've said i was as happy then as i am. now that kid was so optimistic and so. happy even though he was he had no money.

and he was working night shifts in a. call center um and i appea and it sounds. so privileged like obviously because of. money now whatever but um. it resonated with so much of you are. saying then i think it's because of what. you were saying then was i was still. pursuing my highest passion despite the. fact that i was working in this call. center i was not occupying all of my. time and my thoughts that i could with. that future and that's what i believe. manifested me being here because i could. have made the decision. um. that this was my destination and my.

forever and i'd probably still be there. now now in most side yeah i i definitely. agree. the idea about following your highest. passion. there is a passion i think deep down is. for expressing. who you are and there's no doubt for me. that rugby for that period of my life. was what i was meant to do that's how i. was supposed to play out that was. that was what i was supposed to be at. that time. um. but then your passion changes slightly.

and to be able to. leave the rugby and follow that passion. often i think people say you know it's. really difficult to find my next passion. but i think. having that. that kind of ability to to leave behind. what's been. is what allows passion for what can be. and i think like we were saying before. about wanting to you finish your rugby. and then you think i'll go straight into. coaching because it's close enough and. people still know me and i thought but. actually to have that period of.

not just after an end of a career but. daily to have that quiet period every. day where you just sit not with. not with ideas i'm going to think about. this or i need to plan this or i need to. work out what my passion is but just sit. and just disconnect. from that pull of the external eyes. closed and just watch but of course away. comes in as am i doing this right. what should be happening should i be. feeling something i haven't had any. ideas it's been two weeks and but just.

do it. just do it in in the name of moving to. your potential. because we were so willing to. to give to our limits look at how many. years we spend suffering and telling. ourselves certain things that have come. from old ideas that no longer serve us. we're willing to give all our time to. those. but people are still alive it's too hard. to find 10 minutes to. sit on an evening what am i going to do. when actually you know you have that. moment where you're sat watching. something on tv and it's not really. interesting and you're kind of like.

that's time there but once that ball. gets rolling when your passion centers. around something and everything comes. out of that same passion so it's all. aligned it's all kind of focused energy. that's gonna manifest there's no doubt. you know like i'm sure at some level. there's no way you get to where you are. now without there being. that drive now i had that. in the rugby. and a lot of it was. a sort of conflict and it stressed them.

out of me but it was so damn strong. that it had to win. because i wouldn't let it not win i just. didn't do it in a way that was enjoyable. same. and now i think when you release the. conflict you get even more flow you get. an effortless version of what i've done. through efforting. i've efforted heavily yeah i heard that. word recently i really like it i much. prefer it than tried or given so much. but. i've really made it. a sort of.

an effort version of how to get to the. top and what that means is when i look. back it's like how was it i never smelt. the roses that's what most people say. yeah because there's another way to do. it. and maybe that's how this has come out. for you versus the first i don't know. you know like these projects for me the. next things i'm doing seem to just kind. of. oh yeah there it is that's interesting. whereas before it was oh god. get out of there don't you dare whatever. it is. i think that just comes from at some. point just saying well okay this is what. i've got.

acceptance. and then. what do i want to do right now what's my. next step responsibility. and you can't get to that passion. without the acceptance and the. acceptance is. this is what i've got this is where i'm. meant to be this is how things are. and once i come to ease with that then. suddenly there is that well i can start. to feel what it is i want to do next. yeah but while there's that resistance. to this it shouldn't be this way and. should i be doing this or i'm elsewhere. future past. passion and excitement are kind of like.

look whilst you're trying to survive. we're not relevant to you. you know someone in survival isn't. really interested in passion excitement. and i was in survival most of my career. hence why i keep saying about my career. you know the passion and excitement died. away not because i lost. i fell out of love with rugby at all not. at all just purely that i was in. survival mode more and more and more and. the more i went into it the less. relevant. creativity growth love. connection with teammates excitement. passion joy it's just not relevant to. that.

you nailed it when you described me as. well with that when you said um the. drive that i had that was really strong. was actually upon reflection just deep. insecurity yeah still a big drive there. it's still a big driving drive hard to. shake when you think about winning the. world cup and you said that was the goal. was that really your your. goal. yeah it's in i think having. later that insecurity is often for me. just comes down to the opposite of trust. it's distrust. in yourself or whatever but when there's. a different trust about it.

that acceptance i'm speaking about. is all-encompassing. that it. it when you accept now. it is a full acceptance of all that's. been. now is is yeah if you accept this then. everything from a physical perspective. that's brought to here also sort of is. accepted. and. therefore. for me. it was my goal because deep down my. inner calling was i want to be free i. want to be happy. and i i want this and so.

according to the energy i was in. these were the cooperative components. when a world cup why so you can see that. that's not quite where you need to be. going. all right have some injuries why so you. can go through your own learning at the. speed that you're choosing. you can't go any faster than you're. ready for you can't go any slower. it is simply as it is and as you explore. i think. it kind of as you start to expand it the. expansion takes place i think quicker. once you get going i think more.

revelations come and it kind of opens up. harder. or faster but the the point for me being. that. that trust is just. it may have taken. 40 years. to get to this point from a but from an. experiential level. i don't feel 40 years has gone into this. it's been instantaneous. because it's just memory it's not 40. years. so i kind of love the idea of. people confusing the past with memory.

when it's memory and you start to. realize its memory and you start to. realize that you have a. say in the emotional. involvement in that memory you can. release it from those memories. that you can play with your past. whereas people have a fixed idea of past. and yet they want a different future. it's like like a railroad track. you know that has a certain piece that's. slightly curved and the train is going. along and reaches back from the previous. piece and sticks in front because these. are my understandings about how life is. this is how it's going to be and so you.

end up just going round and round and. round in circles instead of the classic. cycle breaker. which is. that random different piece and. sometimes it's a big shock or a trauma. for people the way you kind of get a. piece that's like completely different. direction suddenly you head off into the. unknown and people have those amazing. experiences but sometimes it's just a. piece which is slightly. less curved. and that's what those moments were for. me you know that different understanding. of like hold on i thought there was. going to be joy here i was convinced. there isn't and suddenly that cycle.

break in your thinking just enough to. change the piece a bit and you head here. and you widen your circle and eventually. you start to be in control a little bit. more of. how you're going to see each event so. you can start to best you can shape. those pieces to send you into the. unknown. which is why i didn't want to go before. you know that's the. the the unknown was the threat the. unknown was the was the potential slip. up we're talking about was that kind of. shady space where you're not in control. anymore whereas now the unknown is like. well if you want potential you want to.

see what life is. it's unknown and the more unknown you. see yourself the more you align with. life less ideas i have the more unknown. i am the more i align with life the more. that i start to. to get that. that's i think that more instantaneous. response we're talking about instead of. it taking 40 years. you know for me it's kind of over that. 40 years it's been. sort of. expanding out but over the last. 15 it's been quicker over the last five.

much quicker and over the last. one. much much quicker. this. the. vulnerability is an interesting word. because it assumes it makes you feel a. certain way but this this truth and this. openness that you speak. um. which is kind of marks the way you speak. now this kind of i'm willing to tell you. all about myself in terms of how i feel. and what i'm thinking. and i'm willing. again this is an assumption i don't care. as much about what you think of me based. on what i'm sharing now whether it's. about your mental health or about how.

you're feeling which again are things. that men don't typically do especially. you know leaders in sport right. what impact has stepping into your truth. and being open and like free from. caring too much about what others might. think of you because you're so open. about your mental health and other. things what impact has that had on your. life. i think it's the openness is is. is not. um. a conscious. decision i'm not coming in saying i'm.

now going to be so open about it the. same way that i might have been. unconsciously closed before you know. still kind of not speaking about stuff. not because i'm sitting there thinking. i'm not talking about this but because. that feeling says this is where i want. to stay within the boundaries of this on. the conversation. and. now the boundaries are wider not because. it's not now a narrow boundary of all i. ever talk about is how my suffering is. kind of like but. you talk about. i guess what's relevant to the moment to. the conversation.

and it's inspired rather than. um. pre-planned. i like i said to you before i think i. used to be a big one for preparation. um. so coming into this you know i tried to. think what i'd have been like when i was. 21 but i'd i'd have been you know out. there with with my sort of agent or with. my my dad or my mum or something and. i've been waiting to come in and be like. yeah and they'd be like it's going to go. fine don't worry it's going to go fine. but yeah it is just make sure you i'm. going to talk about that and i might. talk about that story if you ask me.

about that. it's planned. on the basis of i'm trying to achieve an. outcome from this. but. when it become which again is that whole. kind of like. what i create what i actually create. defines who i am so what i'm going to. create from this will define who i am so. i need to make sure it's how i want it. to be. all based on this idea of who i am but. without the idea. i think. i speak. according to the. situation not according to my.

identity and i listen according to. what's maybe more of what's really being. meant than what's being said and again. it it's this. i guess it's this different. more. less solid. idea of who you are that just suddenly. opens up the understanding of what. really listening is and being there is i. mean being there for someone is such a. amazing phrase when you really look at. it to be there for someone. it means fully being.

now if you people are saying about how. what's the best thing to do if someone's. struggling is like just be there for. them okay but you mean like just. physically stand there. and be loving and but all if all of this. is an effort it's designed. to get an outcome. but it's to get an outcome for someone. else you must have to know what's right. for them. and now you're deciding. and limiting them but if you want to be. all you can be you you can allow others. to be all they can be you can allow a. situation to be all it can be.

and i think that kind of for me has been. you know the the. one of the biggest. openings and an example i'd say was i. spoke to a young. football player a while back. maybe sort of. 15 16 years old and someone said would. you mind just having a. chat. and i said yeah of course i'd love to. you know you get that inspirational sort. of feel immediately that yeah this is. one of those. cooperative. manifested moments of there's something.

that i've i've called for. and this has been. offered and i think i'm going to explore. this you know because it feels right. that it's in my path. and we had a chat and. midway through the chat it came to me in. quite a sort of. emotionally sort of. i guess intense way. i suddenly realized that. i wasn't talking to this person. as if i was. 40 they were 15. as if they were a young soccer player i.

was an ex-rugby player. i suddenly realized that i was. exchanging on a level here where. it was energy form to energy form. not age. relevant at all not even. defined simply that. i was performing a role of serving. and being served at the same time. according to. allowing and letting it be whereas. before it would have been okay right. before the call you kind of put on your. mentor shirt you know going to be a. mentor now and um you know.

but a talk like this and give it the. whole kind of yeah well i guess if. you're going to play sport you know all. this son of stuff but instead you phone. up and. suddenly i realized i'd lost that idea. of. the difference between people and people. talk about it from you know age gender. all these kind of things you know. religion race everything and you sort of. think. we're all trying to do that. by listening to the right thing to do. and what people should say and how you. should speak but it's all the answers. are. in your own journey. to releasing all your.

sort of self-discriminations and. judgments. that then it just becomes so easy and. obvious but so joyful and such a. a true exchange according to what's. really being asked for rather than two. people playing a game on the surface of. playing our roles and seeing what we can. get from each other. it's two people sharing what's really. being asked for. and i sort of feel like if you like for. me from that perspective that's the. first time i've. i've kind of understood what it is to.

really care for someone. is to completely let go of. your own ideas. of them and in order to do that you have. to. let go of yours about you. and i think that's the selfless side of. it it's funny that expression you know. it's selfless you remove yourself and. you can be selfless. and just being able to sit there and. listen and be fascinated by someone. has been a really i think a big big. moment in that and that that kind of. yeah it's been a.

that's been a nice change that moment. for me was one where i suddenly realized. you know that i've been playing a game. for so long according again to that. identity what i need from this how it's. going to look. you know i i'm using people i don't mean. necessarily on on that whole kind of. exploitative. you know i guess in a way it is but. you're kind of using them to get them to. feel a certain way about you. you're using them to. to say what you need them to say for you. to fill that space and once that goes. relationships i think take on a whole.

new level. interesting you're essentially using. them to confirm the the identity to fill. the whole yeah makes me feel like i'm. your mentor yeah yeah exactly yeah yeah. so you know i need at the end of it i. need you i need that kind of like thanks. so much for your time yeah i can't. believe you're doing this and i need. that backup call that comes when the. person introduced you says oh they're. over the moon they're so chuffed you. spoke to you've changed your life. forever. you need that because that's what i'm. yeah because without that am i doing a. good job.

but once that goes is to be like but i'm. doing. what i was supposed to be doing. when i when i look over your story one. of the the threads that goes through it. even up until today because i i read. that you were thinking over in the. process of starting a mental foundation. is the story of mental health something. that has become a greater discussed. topic in our generation specifically. around because there's a lot of men that. are arriving at the unfortunate decision. that the only way out is to to end their. lives and it's the now the big biggest. single killer of men under the age of 45. in our country. your mental health journey um.

twists and turns it seems i remember. vividly reading that you you're in your. hotel room and you're playing days. looking at the tv and it's basically. just lights because your head is. overthinking at an unbelievable rate and. it sounds it sounds somewhat and i'm not. familiar with. the medical definition of a panic attack. or anxiety but it sounds somewhat like. that um have you ever experienced. depression in your life. about a period where. and again i'm i'm not a doctor but where. you feel a sustained low.

and that would be clinically described. as depression yeah but they'll always go. together. yeah because for me they do. because you have that sense of panic and. anxiety. um. which for me has always been around. sort of finding these. these insurmountable issues throughout. my life what seems to be the. insurmountable which is basically saying. according to how i've. positioned my view of life. this is now insurmountable according to. my belief system this means this is an.

issue and we can't pass each other. and. the fear then kicks in. the lack of control the the panic kicks. in which again that hysterical nature of. it. you know it tells me that it's you know. it's not rational to the to the moment. you know i don't talk about there's no. threat here but if i'm having that. threat i know it's it's coming from. something deeper but the fact that it's. insurmountable the fact or it appears so. and the fact that before i wouldn't have.

seen changing your energy. otherwise known as changing your. identity i guess in a way or removing. your identity i wouldn't have seen that. as an opportunity so therefore you're. stuck in that insurmountable space. and that's where the depression kicks in. what's the point. what's the point this is me now. i can't live with i can't live without. this i'm stuck the needle is right in. the middle and every time i. try and move it one way to get some. clarity. once it goes that way i panic it has to.

come back i don't want it to go that way. so i bring it to the middle and then i. try and work it the other way and it's. like i don't want it to go that way. and it's this. classic two voices you mentioned. which is this call for. happiness. and this call for joy and and freedom. and all that the stuff which just. blossoms out over and over again in ways. that beyond belief. but another voice that says i don't want. that. i want it so much and i don't want it at.

the same time and the don't want it. voices. the ident this is who i am i think i am. and i want to save this whilst having. that those are the two voices. and. when you're locked into that i want to. save this. i want that becomes i can never have it. this is all i've got and right now. if this is me. you know. what's the point but. understanding for me that those two it's. those two voices.

that i'm working with not. external truths. you know external situations and and. they're not this is the way the world is. and unfortunately therefore this is ways. that's the voice that comes from old. ideas. and understanding you're working with. old ideas and old ideas represent that. energy state or shape it that when you. start to realize well hold on on an. energy level if i just trust i keep. working with my energy and i trust as. long as it takes. i'm gonna work on it.

that's it without this idea that. you know this idea of how and when it. should sort itself out well you know i. heard that person talking about getting. some revelations and i haven't had any. yet but i should have any some after two. weeks. oh it hasn't been i'm not getting any i. can't even you know it's like no just. leave it open-ended and. you know if people go to the gym. sometimes when they don't really want to. it's kind of like well. why not just sit quietly for 10 minutes. when you don't really want to but just. do it anyway.

just do it and just say okay. i'll see it's a bit like the. they're looking in the mirror when. you're going to the gym you know over. day after day you don't see it someone. else says hi yeah what's happening there. you kind of i've been going to the gym. it's like all right i haven't really. seen it it's the same as sitting quietly. it feels like nothing's happening but. it is. quick one as we all know energy. independence and living a little greener. has never been more important for a. better future it's a journey i've been. on over the last couple of years that. i've shared with you sporadically ever.

since i sold my range rover sport and. bought an electric bicycle and there's a. lot of people out there that listen to. this podcast that are looking to make. that sustainable switch in. the things that run their daily life. whether it's their home their car their. vehicles whatever it might be so when a. good friend of mine at a company called. my energy called jordan told me she was. interested in sponsoring this podcast i. jumped at the opportunity so for those. of you that don't know my energy are a. uk renewable energy brand whose mission.

is to increase the usage of green energy. helping people like you and i to save. time and money when it comes to making. sustainable switches in our lives so if. this resonates with you and you're the. type of person that's been looking or. thinking about going on your own. sustainability journey i highly. recommend checking them out at. myenergy.com. patrice everest here. manchester united football legend left. back um. and he. said that one of the questions that. really changed his life was one day when. his girlfriend turned to him and said. patrice are you happy.

and when he was asked that question and. i remember when i was asked that. question because my girlfriend at the. time. asked me when i was driving home in my. car back to my house after work and she. turned to me and said are you happy and. it was it made me feel uncomfortable. okay and patrice described a similar. thing like he kind of snapped back at. her of course i'm happy but then she. persisted and this kind of was a really. a real turning point in his life where. he eventually admitted to. to being molested when he was in school. something he'd never told anybody and he. couldn't have never confronted and that.

set him off on the journey of. understanding himself in truth and. finding. a way to not be this tough guy anymore. and to be compassionate and loving and. to be all he could be right um. are you happy. it's a. i was just thinking that whilst you were. i presumed you were gonna. i took the long way around that yeah. i think. i think happiness. when you're asked it that way is is a. bit of a destination yes or no isn't it.

it's like a yes or no it's kind of like. you know what. i. like to see it maybe in terms of. am i. grateful to be alive. and i think yeah am i full of gratitude. is my way of looking at it. am i. um. am i in touch with that. that sense of. of just being. yes so.

so pleased that i'm i'm having this. opportunity of life and yeah. definitely. and i wonder sometimes even in my. darkest moments if you kind of go. you know this is part of that journey. as well and in a way when i look back. it's more so much more difficult at the. time i mean. almost impossible when i look back am i. pleased and grateful for that it's like. yes i am because it always turns out. that it's the answer to a deeper. connection.

and i feel like yes am i happy. i'm grateful. to be alive. and i don't want to change a thing. and i think that's kind of for me would. i change anything i don't want and i. think that's a sign you know. i feel like as was underneath so much of. the. the the rugby stuff the achievement. stuff the. savior stuff the warrior stuff the. mata stuff it was always a case of. i'm not enough so i need to earn it from.

other people. from outcomes from life or whatever and. i think that question is. are you happy is like. do you realize. you know that you're enough do you feel. that you're worthy and deserving of. being here and i think that's the. connection to. to everything. and i think maybe that's the answer all. this energy change stuff we're talking. about or. or old ideas or it's really comes down. to recognizing. that. you know are you are you aware of just.

how well you are that this whole. universe is. is answering to you with these. experiences. you know the whatever's happened. this morning and whatever's happened on. my journey here and meeting you it's all. been put in my path. for me. the same way it is for everyone it's. like i miss. i heard another expression a while back. saying that um. we're so important with that. without you the universe couldn't be all.

that it could be it would just be some. of what it. could be. and and therefore it couldn't exist. that's how important we all are we're. here because we're supposed to be here. and what's great is that you know that. finding out your your passion your your. your joy and your true minis is not. something you need to worry about just. something you need to allow out. and know that all these events are. pointing you i think pointing us all. towards all we can be. if we're willing to listen but when we.

answer them try and stop them we're. basically saying no no i've found who. i'm. supposed to be and therefore i don't. need this. but when i think we're willing to. to look at what we've been given and say. well i must need this. and maybe there's something asking for. this. deeper that knows way more than i do. so you know i'll step out the way for a. bit. and have a good old listen. shelley. your wife yep. what role has she played and.

just having a partner through this this. journey. what role is that played in. you discovering and going on the journey. of. becoming all you can be. i think it must be the same i don't know. for for all people i did hear eckhart. tolle say that. relationships. were the spiritual work for the west. you know it's for these. i don't know what the case is now but. yeah maybe it used to be sitting on. hillsides but. people sort of think i can't i can't do.

that because i've got my. responsibilities but it's like this is. the work. relationships are massive like that. and you know she's perfect in. in every way because she's perfect as. she is. um but. also. because she's. she's exactly what i need. and that means when. i get challenged i'm kind of like this. is what i need. and. it's yeah like i said it's it's.

when someone sort of provides that. opportunity for you to. to sort of. be more of you. on every level i think that's. that's kind of gold dust and therefore i. think you know i turn up and i don't. expect or. or think she should be or any certain. way. um i need her to be exactly as she wants. to be and is. because it's right for me and hopefully. i'm being the same for her but. um it's funny how we both.

kind of growing in our own ways in our. own directions. i think because of each other and now. you know we've got someone else on that. journey with us in our little world and. and exactly the same relationship. i think the best thing is both of us. neither of us are trying to. lead a change in the other. we're both trying to sort of uncover. more about ourselves and that's doing. everything in the working relationship. as i said before you know working on. someone else really doesn't work for. anyone but working on yourself tends to.

work for everyone. and i know you have a uh. is it's like a kombucha-style drink. right it's like uh what do they call. those they call them so it's a living. drink feminine yeah. it's number one living it's called one. living yeah and uh it's uh yeah it's a. kombucha string we've got water kefirs. which more fermented drinks we've got. all kinds of. stuff on the on the uh on the market. around yeah i was curious about that. because i'd seen this shift in your. perspective of diet and nutrition.

throughout your life and i wondered if. there was any advice. for for me based on the journey you've. been on again this is maybe a bit. selfish for me to ask but i know there's. other people who would think it because. again when i was a young i guess i still. am a young man but i was very much just. smashing well i still am smashing. protein shakes trying to build my. muscles and i'm really focusing on. trying to have like a really good. looking body yeah whereas what you've. said is that health is much more. important and when i read that that. you'd made this distinction between. health and fitness i kind of looked at. it and i thought to myself what does he.

mean because i thought kind of health. and fitness was almost a similar thing. yeah i think. for start my brother's a fitness. conditioner we played together. professionally. up in the north and then um. you know his his side has always been. the the fitness conditioning side so we. have a really close relationship on that. and he's exploring loads of this stuff. my wife was trained to become a. nutritionist um so she was exploring all. kinds of things in the the natural. sort of healing side of nutrition but. also in nutrition. as a whole and i was looking massively.

into the mental emotional side of it so. we all kind of crossed paths my wife and. i especially on kombucha uh. and different cafes we started making. them at home we were putting you know. going blackberry picking putting them in. a real kind of shift compared to being. in a changing room and unwrapping these. kind of foil covered laboratory based. their bars have been constructed and. and i think that was the difference for. me is that. i spent my life. being very fit but not really that.

healthy. and fitness is. an interesting one i think everyone kind. of realizes this to a degree is that. when aspirationally you you really push. itself down a specific. route physically. to adapt to be able to do a certain. thing. very very sort of fully you. you kind of. you distance yourself slightly from the. hole if you it's a bit like sort of a. mountain as you climb top more more to.

the mountain it gets a bit more isolated. up there. and i think. health is about what fitness can come. out of unless you look after health. it's dangerous it's a dangerous balance. i think to take you know you have to. look after health and then explore what. your fitness can be rather than go after. fitness thinking it's going to lead to. health. it it doesn't you know the. i work on this with my brother as well. and in the um. in the stuff we we do with regard to the. foundation we we speak about stuff and. one of the.

the areas we talk about is. life fitness which is another way of. talking about health which is about that. effortless flowing capacity. to be so graceful in what you need to do. every day and not you know talking about. the aspirational side you might see look. i can bench press this and i can lift. this look at the state of me look i've. got no body fat and this but it's kind. of like okay let's see you get in and. out of your car. you're like okay now. what we're talking about here is a life. fitness which has some balance in it now.

don't get me wrong i was one of those. guys that was. rugby wise i couldn't bend down. the idea that i would sort of have to. look under the sofa for something i'd be. like i'm gonna have to live like take me. about three minutes to get down and five. to get back up. but. there's a. real. grace to that balance. and if and you know you talk about. strong men and and maybe a story of the. past but where strong men. which told if you carry on like this you.

know. this effort to become the world's. strongest man your life expectancy is. probably not going to be much more than. 45. and. people yeah okay i'll take that. because of the. the the the ambition the drive behind. what's behind that which is absolutely. up to absolutely everyone but for me. having finished rugby i i think i. understood just. how far i'd ventured from health and. and the living drink side with the. number one living stuff we do is is. around the connected nature of. yeah we're more bacteria than we are.

cells. and yet. yeah we also live in a world where. there's a great deal of sterility at the. moment so bacteria are kind of. disappearing we're not getting outside. so much digging our hands in the dirt um. on top of that. um as antibiotics have found their way. into all kinds of. different foods um and so you know we're. finding ourselves short of these things. and what they're finding out is that. bacteria has a role in connecting the. body. in ways we don't even know is that. incredible and we're made of mostly of.

it. um and the the balance between all these. kind of bacteria and even viruses and. all kinds of things that going on us is. imperative to our intelligence and how. we operate. so that's been effort behind that but. also trying to help us shift back. towards health so that we have this kind. of. genius. way of living our life. so that we can involve ourselves fully. in every moment rather than have that. kind of oh i've got to do that. but it's fine because i'll go into the. gym after but you know washing the. dishes is a good one.

i use as a metaphor an idea for i once. got asked by athlete triathlete. um about i was speaking to triathlete. and i said you know. but you love doing a triathlon but you. don't like washing the dishes but what's. the deal with when you wash the dishes. what are you trying to do. i'm just. trying to wash the dishes or what are. you trying to do when you're doing. triathlon well i'm sort of. i've got a goal and i'm. working move my body to get through that. to achieve a certain goal what are you.

doing when you're washing the dishes. well there's a goal and i'm working my. body through it to get to a goal it's. the same thing but there's an. understanding that this i like and this. i don't. this i'm willing to do this i'm. unwilling to do. this i'm. willing to be joyful about and this. therefore i've decided already is not. but to bring that kind of. whole engagement to every moment is. health. when you have certain things which are. great and others which aren't that.

involvement now involvement or lack of. involvement is is for me is what fitness. was you know as a rugby player training. brilliant brilliant gym matches great. going for walks yeah not bad. sitting around. sitting quietly no chance. you know getting in and out of the car. like i said terrible. no way you know all these kind of things. and yet people say i wish i'd made more. of my life wish i'd enjoyed every moment. but that starts with health health of. physical mental. emotional.

and exploring that and that first of all. comes with. you know exploring. the body and you know the classic would. be. we sit now maybe sometimes for so long. that we. become very good at sitting. aspirationally we've become great. sitters the same way we've become great. rugby players or. whatever it is so our bodies are. starting to shape towards that. and they're forgetting. everything we knew before. and now you find sometimes the best. feeling you can get is by just.

stretching your arms back and going oh. that feels nice. i've forgotten how nice that was yoga. yeah exactly the danger is is that. we end up in a few years. where we've lost it. and it's to remind yourself that is. health whereas if you're doing one thing. the whole time. without reminding yourself of everything. you can do. um everything you as we speak about. identity wise you become so obsessed. with. being this kind of person you forget. that you're everything yeah but i'm. being this something but you've got to.

keep reminding yourself that you're. everything otherwise you're going to. lose your grounding and you're going to. get lost in the small. and losing yeah you're going to get lost. in the wave. and you're going to lose sort of you. your your. homeliness in the deep sea where it's. all peace and you're you're every wave. but as it is you know we're in that. individual. thing and health and fitness is part of. that movement and. health is about. what you eat what you drink how you eat. how you drink how you breathe how you. move sleep recovery restfulness peace.

it's it's an endless journey. i think people think that health and. what have you is about. not being overweight. trying not to perish of anything before. your time. um but you know and maybe hang on to. being able to do some stuff when you're. still. reasonably young it's health is an. endless journey. of just unending discovery. or. if it's related to fitness it's. looking good for others and feeling.

attractive and. and having to eat stuff that you don't. like tastes horrible and wishing you. could have this. and you know and getting to bed you know. after as long as it's not too late after. you finish your netflix series or. whatever. johnny um a truly remarkable. conversation and it really highlights to. me uh i was thinking that this guy. should have a podcast and i reminded. myself that you've just launched your. podcast which is called i am yeah and i. also now understand why it's called i am. just from this conversation.

you know it's funny because i listened. to some of your podcast episodes before. you sat down and um you're interviewing. people i don't know why i'm saying this. to you but. when i was listening to it and i just. thought i don't know why i said but i. feel compelled to say this i was. i wanted you to talk more. yeah because of everything i've. discovered from this conversation today. and you're someone that's gone on a very. introspective journey who has managed to. pull up those. um pieces of the train track and send. them in a.

uncertain direction which most people. haven't and you're discovering a lot on. that journey which i think is so. unbelievably valuable so when i listen. to your podcast i am i just wanted more. of johnny um but it was a it's a really. really brilliant podcast for i mean i. didn't need to i don't even need to just. explain why having listened to this. conversation today um. but yeah i just i've absolutely loved. loved this conversation and uh. you talk about a lot of the things that. i as a very kind of introspective person. talk about people think we're weird. right. yeah you do get that sometimes i think.

the best thing to be. seen at the moment with the way that. society leans i think it's quite. powerful to be seen as. illogical. in your responses. because everything's leaning towards. stress and and winning and conquering. and achieving and. and the reactivity and our stress has. become a marker in workplaces you know. the more stressed you are the more. important you must be and it's almost. like worn as a badge you know kind of. like check me out i'm i'm pushing it.

you know i i might not be sort of. my future life. is uncertain because i'm really willing. to to sort of give so much to this. whereas to be seen as illogical. and a bit irrational in that area. um. it's quite a strong. place to be right now because of where. we are so you know when you're kind of. i've said this before we used to have. games rugby games where we'd lose. and i'd be sat there. head down in the change room.

you know trying to run. this kind of thoughts through my head of. like oh how you know it was against me. it never works out and i've got to come. back stronger and you know what a wasted. opportunity i'll never get this back and. i'm a you know what a failure etc etc. what's this going to mean for me. and then you see someone looking in the. mirror putting their tie on he's already. had a shower already out there tie on. and they're sort of like where are we. off to tonight lads. and of course society's voice or the. changing room's voice or the team's. voices how dare you. how dare you be thinking about how good.

life can be. how dare you respond according to your. dreams. and the life you wish to live come and. react according to the life that we want. you to live can we react according to. the life that you should be living one. way you sit here and show how much you. care and how disappointed you are. whereas in fact now when i look back i'm. kind of i wish i'd been. looking in that mirror with that guy you. know i wish i'd been out there earlier. saying yeah well you know what. i gave everything the learning's taking. place i don't need to sit here and and. torture myself with this the learning.

has taken place because i've got some. gay great contrast i wanted this i got. this it's only refined my view. immediately of what what i want now even. more and it's given me some. understandings of of what's working and. what's not the fact that i'm going to. think about them isn't going to change. those i've got them the question is as. we said. how. the marker of whether they're on their. way depends upon how much i'm enjoying. this moment and what do i want to be. doing now i want to be out with the guys. or i want to be at home with my family.

but instead i'm going to sit in the. chamber i'm going to be last to leave. and i'm not even going to go in the. shower until. the the ground's turning the lights off. in the clubhouse i mean i'm going to be. last out to show you guys that i care. and i'm hurting the most. and it didn't mean a thing you know as. far as i'm concerned you know like i. said it was part of a lesson i had to. learn but. i i think. being seen as. irrational in that way. as long as it's according to the life. you wish to live and it's not about not. caring totally different things you know. it's a beautiful space to be in i think.

and you know what a what a beautiful. place to end i am again this is why i'm. so excited that you're now a podcaster. as well and i'm really excited to watch. that journey play out and to see where. that that journey leads you because it's. you never know with podcasting as i. didn't i didn't know i'd be sat here. doing this now but. for many of the reasons you've described. about that kind of manifestation and. just kind of asking myself um to. to figure out who who i could become and. all that i am that's what's led me here. today and it's you know there's a real.

serendipity to the fact that we're. having this conversation that's led me. to meet you so thank you so much for. your time thank you so much for being a. um a very open book in all regards. because it's a very healing thing for. many people who are yet to go on the. journey you've gone on we do have a. tradition on this podcast which is that. the last guest. asks the next. uh let's guest a question okay. um. and this is a very interesting one. because. i've read about your answer to this. previously but i can't say who the guest.

is but their question for you all right. and they actually wrote a book about. this that's what i will tell you their. question to you is. what is your biggest. regret. um yeah good one i don't it's it's it's. a good i used to. spend all my time on these kind of. things when i was younger. and now i i just can't for the life of. me. i can't find a place for regret.

it's understanding that. um for a start on a physical level if i. went back to wherever i was. as we've said before about other people. and inhabited that energy. i see the world the same straight away i. feel the way i do straight away i do. what i think what i think i do what i do. i create what i create. i can't do anything different it's. inevitable. the now which includes everything that's. come to the now it's inevitable.

and to resist that. is to. and not accept that. is to continue reacting. into the future and i think. the continuing of reactivity. is what i'd regret now about my future i. don't regret anything that's been but i. think sitting here now i'd be like it'd. be a real shame if i just kept reacting. for the rest of my life. what i say is but how nice would it be. to. to let inspiration decide my future.

rather than my. my regrets and all my old ideas and i. think we mentioned about. that train track regret for me as a. classic of reaching back and going. more of the same place. and just planting your own and you know. in that respect i think some. people kind of spiritual people do this. they look into people's futures and kind. of go let me just see how you are at the. moment right. if you have that going on i can pretty. much guarantee what you've got coming. yeah. but that's not what i want i want.

surprise. and i can't have regrets and surprise i. can't have. that kind of looking back. i can't have such an idea about how it. should have been. and then have freedom in the future if i. want freedom in the future i've got to. free up the past and therefore you know. regret has to. has to take a bit of a sideline on the. bench. amen. thank you. [Music].

oh. [Music]. [Music]. you.