James Smith: Become Confident In 100 Minutes | E174

i was failing that was the point for me. where i was like. i need to do things differently. the hardest thing i've ever done. it's james smith great talking personal. trainer he's helping you get confident. some see james's curse-filled rant says. confrontational oh james got me a. narcissist. james good to see you again. self-esteem and confidence is decaying. when you're at that place of feeling. that you don't have enough confidence. it's actually a crossroads it's a left. and a right action and inaction whatever. you're not changing you're choosing.

dating is such a big topic because. people either don't have the confidence. required to meet someone or they might. not have the confidence to leave someone. we're allowed to be ignorant of these. things and we're allowed to be wrong but. it doesn't mean we shouldn't endeavor to. get the best possible outcome. what are you not confident about i. constantly have these battles in my head. why did i create this fast why did i. have sweat patches from such a simple. interaction of being uncomfortable i. have the same insecurities the same. fears feelings of inadequacies.

sometimes my biggest fear is. losing is not the same as being defeated. you have to be audacious you have to put. your head above the power pit i'm sure. i'm going to be absolutely slammed. saying this. so without further ado. i'm stephen butler and this is the diary. of a ceo i hope nobody's listening but. if you are then please keep this. yourself. [Music].

james good to see you again thank you. very much for having me back it's uh. it's i gotta say we don't have many. guests back but um our conversation was. so. inspiring and. surprising to me. when i messaged you the other day and. said if you're ever back in london i'd. love to have you back on and then i. learned you'd written a book about. confidence. why did you write a book about. confidence. well. it's kind of interesting that through my. entire career i've.

learned something personally and then. i've. you know taught other people kind of the. processes so the first book not a diet. book i went through years of fitness. industry [ __ ] we spoke about before. and kind of by the end of it through my. own journeys i was like i could teach. people about this and i didn't want to. write a diet book system i was like. let's you know break down everything put. it into a book then the second book. offer i was like i can't do another one. if i'd written a second book about. fitness it would have said a lot about. the first you know when people do. sequels things i'm like oh you must have. done a great job.

and i kind of realized by accident that. my work-life balance was pretty good. and wrote the second book a lot of the. things we spoke about in that last. podcast were based off not a life coach. now. the kind of strange thing that i say to. people is i'm not a very confident. person. i have the same. insecurities the same fears the same. feelings of inadequacies as the majority. of people but i kind of have a. set of values and a way that i see these. problems where i can break them down and.

dismantle them and. in the book in the first chapter i say. a lot of people sit back and they think. other people are confident as if it's a. trait like height or. people said it's a superpower but. straight away i actually typed that in. the first part of the book i was like. confidence is a superpower but then. superpowers aren't accomplishable by. mortals it's almost something out of. your reach. and i'm a big believer that confidence. can be within people's reach and. even chatting to people in the same. profession they have a problem or a fear.

of judgment of whatever it is and. if i spend five minutes with that person. i can motivate them to. post on social media to. prospect more with their business. whatever it is and i've realized it's. not something people are lacking it's. more so the way they perceive and view. their reality. what are you not confident about people. i think would be surprised to hear that. you have insecurities and inadequacies. and there's things you're not confident. about everything body image which is why. i ended up going down the first.

huge. 10 years of my life with not a diet book. i was overweight as a kid. even now i constantly have these battles. in my head through. how should i look what should i be doing. shall i be dieting and i think that's. why a lot of people resonate with what i. say because a lot of what i say to them. is also for myself. a lot of. you know i say to people that i know. this is how you're feeling so that's how. i feel myself. and. it's it's an interesting one even with.

dating with professional life some of. them i feel like i kind of got lucky i'm. not a massive believer in luck i kind of. tripped over some of the steps to. becoming confident and. even working in door-to-door sales where. working for npower in gloucester. knocking on hundreds of doors a day. it allowed me to perceive issues in. front of me as a numbers game and then. at the average of knocking on 100 to. make a sale suddenly things didn't seem. so daunting and people go oh you need to. be really confident to knock on doors. for a living i was like well not so much.

if you appreciate there's a certain. amount of times you need to do something. before you experience success it's not. so scary. email marketing. i knew email marketing would work i sent. emails every day for 10 months no one. bought in 10 months someone bought. finally so it was an appreciation of the. numbers social media. four and a half years i posted near. about every day before. i made any money from it things. aren't so much scary or to be feared. it's how you look at those things in.

front of you that really kind of. break down the fear because we're all. capable of doing things but we like to. almost push things further away than we. can reach so that it gives us a reason. not to do it one thing that really blew. my mind. is i had. liver king on the podcast right. this is a man for anybody that doesn't. know him who is. jacked he walks around with us with his. top off. um he's very you know direct and loud. and apparently confident.

but at the very end of the conversation. i asked him to tell me something he's. never told anyone before. and what he said blew my mind he said. coming on this podcast today and. speaking in front of people cripples me. to the point that i can't sleep and then. he tells me that between the age of 10. and 14 years old he was bullied. horrifically beaten up every day had no. friends and i i was trying to put the. pieces together that. um. and you kind of allude to it at the.

start of your book when you start. talking about the different types of. confidence that he might be confident in. some ways but. the. social confidence was literally knocked. out of him at 10 years old so in social. situations where there's a chance of. rejection from the crowd which is what. happened to him in school he is still. crippled to this day it appears to me. that. there's a real variance in people's um. social confidence which is originates. from their like early.

self-story. and really that early self story i'm. trying to understand how much of that. determines. our confidence today because there's. tricks and tips and the five second rule. and all this stuff but if how do we. really have to go back and fix that [ __ ]. that happened to us at 10 years old on. the playground no i don't think so and. that's kind of the important thing i. don't think it's like a trauma that we. need to hold dearly to ourselves but. like you say so for instance if you were. to say james says 3000 people out there. need you to perform a talk with no.

preparation i'd like cool but if you. would say hey there's a girl at the bar. and i need you to go approach her on a. friday night and try and get a number. that would be like that's that's scary. to me so it's it's kind of like double. standards like you say some situations. everyone has a certain lacking type of. confidence even the most confident of. people and. that could be because when i was 12 the. first girl asked out said no it could be. that or it could be because i've done. more talks and i think that. at the root core of everything is is a.

form of repetition and. people that aren't confident to do. things. they need to find. something they have the level of courage. to do and get to that point and for. instance that's something i don't need. to work on and as i'm in a relationship. i probably shouldn't be working on this. either but if i i'm petrified of talking. to a girl or or a guy from any women. listening or either either for whoever's. this thing. maybe i don't have the courage to ask. for the number but i might have the. courage to go say hello or to compliment. them or to you know do something.

chivalrous and if people can then do. that. then maybe from there they can move on. and i think. is one of those things where everyone. has like a gaping hole in their. confidence and for liver king it's an. interesting one at first i was actually. very anti-him because he is obnoxious he. actually has a very similar approach to. what i do like in your face this is what. i believe in if you don't believe in it. that's cool. but. i can sometimes look at him and. appreciate that a lot of people. are not being who they are they're being. who they need to be and i feel i.

resonate with that side of him where as. i'm sure you realize on social media i'm. very much like listen mate you know do. this calorie deficit you know [ __ ] off. all of that but really i'm not like that. i portray the person i need to be. it's one of those things where a lot of. the time people need to appreciate that. maybe everyone around them is fearful of. everything like you but they're more. focused about being who they need to be. not worrying about who they are. in the the start of this book in chapter. one you you investigate this idea of. pain points as it relates to confidence.

what do you mean by pain points so we. could look at this in the form of sales. as well so i cannot sell to someone. unless i understand their pain points. and i use an analogy that probably is. the one i've had most experience with. with people in the gym they come they. sit down hi james i want to get fitter i. want to lose a bit of weight i want to. tone up and i'm like that's not really. what you want that's not a pain point. that is. a knee-jerk reaction to what you think i. want to hear. when you delve a bit deeper they go up. my husband stop [ __ ] me you know. every time i stand up in a meeting i've. got to pull my top down over the layers.

of flap that i have. i don't feel confident in areas of my. life that i should because i'm so. crippled by the confidence i have with. my physique. i'm not taken seriously the pain points. are deep and people need to draw on. those because. the day that you're getting out of bed. and you feel like [ __ ] and you're tired. and you want to give up. i want to be toned isn't going to do it. the fact that your real pain point is. that you're lonely and you're getting. older and you're worrying about the fact. you might not find a compatible. companion ever.

that is a strong enough pain point for. you to change. being more toned isn't so. interestingly for some you know i know. people that are in that exact same. situation. and i've debated for many a year whether. someone's you know the situation you. described that i'm getting older i'm. lonely i'm scared i'll be alone forever. i know people in that exact exact same. situation that are exhibiting the fear. of the consequences of a life lifelong. loneliness. but they still don't do anything about. it. is there such thing as like wanting to.

want to be someone. is it i'm not sure to answer your. question but. one of the things i would say to that. person is. you're in the and i'm only using this an. example i think dating is an analogy i. love to use i actually use it when i. talk about business talks i say. marketing is like dating you know and. we won't get down that too much but you. look at the person at the bar you you. feel the fear. rather than counting down from five five. four three two one oh my god i've got. the confidence let me go talk to them. they could instead just for a flash of a.

moment just think to themselves i'm. lonely i don't want to be lonely what. out of these two things is more. uncomfortable for me the idea of going. another week another month being single. or the idea of talking to a stranger and. surely when you add and level those two. things up the pain point of being lonely. should be much worse than the pain point. of talking to a stranger. if you feel undervalued at work the idea. of talking to your boss and expressing. how you feel that's a pain point you're. like you know that's going to make me. feel uncomfortable. but then the pain point of feeling. undervalued and not being given the. bonus you were promised a year ago you. level them up and you're like there's.

always. two directions in which you can go and. you've tweeted and mentioned this before. you say saying nothing is still saying. something. doing nothing is still doing something. and. they also say whatever you're not. changing you're choosing. and these are really important because. that person and again. same analogy whatever it is when you're. at that place of feeling that you don't. have enough confidence it's. actually a crossroads it's a left and a. right it's a dichotomy of action and.

inaction. and if you. are controlled by fear and you don't. muster the courage to do what you need. to do especially by using the pain. points to motivate yourself you are. choosing an action by doing nothing that. is a choice. and. people just seem to think that you know. not starting the passion project not. posting or s. expressing something on social media. they seem to think if they do nothing. that it's a void in our reality but it's. not it's still a choice of an action i.

used to think of like people ask me. about confidence a lot and it's taken me. quite some time to develop my thoughts. on it because you know when you i think. level one of the confidence. um. [Music]. self-help guru is like. look yourself in the mirror and tell. yourself you love yourself like that's. like step one and then eventually. hopefully your thinking progresses when. you find the holes in that thinking and. then i arrived at the conclusion that. confidence. as we kind of. like say it talk about it in culture i. know there's multiple definitions and. lots of nuance but confidence as we.

describe it in culture is really just. um is based on the evidence you have in. yourself like all beliefs are based on. evidence-based subjective correct or. incorrect evidence. and. therefore if it is evidence-based. the only way to build your confidence is. to go and get evidence. um. and i say this because there's a lot. there's a narrative that you can just. kind of like write down in your book or. or look yourself in the mirror and say. i'm gonna be confident i'm gonna be sexy.

i'm gonna be a millionaire which i don't. think is. factually supported by how other beliefs. work. so confidence so when i started writing. the book i wasn't sat there like i know. everything about confidence i was sat. there going. i couldn't answer if you were to say. james what is confidence when i start. writing it again i don't know so that's. why i was so excited about writing it. but one of the. interesting kind of. ways that i wrote about it in one of the. points was if you imagine confidence on. a spectrum with anxiety on one end and.

confidence on the other. anxiety is predicting failure and. confidence is predicting success. and. that is a really important thing to. think about because. our expectations. massively influence the outcome of. things and like you say there if people. just go into a room and go i'm you know. i'm amazing i'm whatever it's not really. going to work. even as one of your previous guests said. about interrogative self-talk asking. yourself questions is a more positive. thing. instead of saying i can do this podcast. today and do well.

i asked myself can you do well on this. podcast today me answer oh do you know. what i did all right in the last one it. got a lot of downloads so it is one of. those things that is in so many. different spectrums and it has so many. different meanings but. a lot of it points towards predicting. success in things and even if you don't. have the evidence to predict success. we should be able to be wrong. if there's something i want to. accomplish. i can't let my mind and my thoughts take. over i must in some sense be. overconfident and predict success but if.

i'm wrong that's fine but what i can't. do is just set. every single. default to being this isn't going to. work because. if you don't think something's going to. work you're already tripped at the first. hurdle and. there's a guy david robinson written a. book called the expectation effect. and in that book. they. got a group of people i can't remember. how big their study was but they lied to. them and said this group have got a gene. that is going to hinder their turnover. of oxygen and this group over here.

doesn't they got them to perform fitness. tests and the people that were told they. had this gene mutation performed a lot. better the other people who didn't and. even just being primed with a lie. completely changed their output in a. fitness test so. schools don't teach confidence society. doesn't really breed confidence because. although on one hand confidence is. essential for innovation if we don't. have confident people you know elon musk. he was confident enough to say that. rocket we could land it back on earth. and you would know you know you're crazy.

but. society doesn't care if you're confident. or not society doesn't care if you talk. to that person or not society doesn't. care if you get a pay rise no one in the. world is going to come along and care. about your levels of confidence it's. something we need to do ourselves on in. that example of them priming to you know. there's being two groups and they tell. one of them a lie and then the one that. believes that they have a genetic. advantage performed better right yeah so. is is that not the case then for lying. to yourself. so fake it to you make it. i don't particularly like that. terminology in in the book i write about.

it because. what's your what's your metric of. success in that to fake it until you get. recognition for something. i think. with that and with the book and with. expectations you've got manifestation. and the placebo effect and they're. intertwined but they're both separate so. manifestation i think is a very. dangerous thing where people think i'm. just going to think about success you. know i'm going to meditate about success. i'm going to get it. but then things like the placebo effect. is also a powerful thing. sham surgeries that were performed on.

people they would be cut open they would. do nothing they'd stitch them back up. and up to 50 of people reported feeling. better that's crazy when people take. or 30 people that took the vaccine in. the trials that were given the. no vaccine felt ill afterwards because. they thought they were going to feel ill. i've seen as well i didn't put this on. the book so i couldn't find the study. the size of the pill you take as a. painkiller even with placebos can impact. the levels of pain that people. you know report disappearing so although.

we can't say you know i just you know. pretend you're going to be confident. pretend all of this in the same sense we. do need to instill a level of belief in. ourselves that we are able to accomplish. stuff and. if we try. and we falsify that optimism and it. doesn't work out we create another. building block to step on and. behind everyone who's an expert in. anything there is a level of mastery and. failure is put in such a negative light. in society but failure is the. most cases the pathway to development so.

even if we do. you know point the dial towards optimism. if things don't go right that's fine. we're allowed to be wrong we're allowed. to make mistakes you're allowed to try. that endeavor that you want and for it. to all [ __ ] up i think that i was just. thinking about that then the i guess the. difference is with the placebo effect. you don't know that it's a lie whereas. if i look to myself in the mirror and. said you are in fact jesus christ i. would know that that was a lie and so. placebo i guess you know the placebo. effects stuff can work and even in that.

operation they didn't know they were. being lied to in that in those two. control groups where one of them. believed they had a genetic advantage. they thought it was true the problem is. we can't actually lie to ourselves and. the the example i always give sometimes. when i speak about confidence on stage. is like if i had your mom in a headlock. and i was pointing a gun at her and i. said you have to believe i'm jesus when. she dies everything's on the line and. all you could do is pretend you couldn't. actually believe i was jesus if. everything was on the line you could. only and so. that for me was the clearest.

evidence i needed that i can never. really lie to myself about who i am. it doesn't have to be a liars it could. be even just a change in narrative. so. i remember so many times throughout my. life just before i was about to go on a. date with a stranger which i found. incredibly daunting it's one of the. reasons i drank on dates for. the first 25 years of my life. but that voice in your head you don't. have to lie to yourself but the voice in. your head goes what if this is the worst. day i'll ever go on. but all you need to do is change that to. say what if this is the best day i'll. ever go on that's all i'm saying.

and. that is a change in expectations it's a. different change in thought it's a. different perspective on your reality. that's upcoming i don't think we should. ever lie to ourselves but we should at. least turn the dial towards optimism. because. we are. inherently. pessimistic with our with our biases. audacity you talk about that being one. of the most important things um. you describe it as being at the. forefront of any of the successes you've. experienced in your life what is.

audacity and how do you define that and. what role is it played for you i had a. lot of opinions in the fitness industry. but by airing them you open yourself up. to a lot of criticism you open yourself. up to hatred. five years ago i don't think anyone bar. a couple of my girlfriends hated me all. right you know no one now there are. thousands thousands of people. because you have to be audacious you. have to put your head above the power. pit to really you know put yourself. forward even as we said before with this. podcast.

you had to be audacious one day as. someone who'd never done a podcast to go. we're going to do a podcast in here and. you you had to sit there and believe for. a second we're going to make this the. uk's leading podcast. and in some respects. behind anyone's. level of success there was an audacious. endeavor at the beginning. whether it was to do a podcast whether. it was to start a business whatever it. was and i think that. that's again something that's not fully. bred into people you know or someone has. an idea you know go put that idea out.

there be audacious with it you know. don't be afraid to be wrong don't be. afraid of critics and. ultimately for me. something that i kind of understood was. there are going to be a lot of people. that are never going to be interested in. what you're doing and they're never. going to be interested in. a book that i release or whatever i. can't take their criticisms to heart. and fully understanding that. there are people out there that are. going to dislike me but i can't worry. too much about that because they're. never going to benefit my net equation.

they're never going to come to a talk or. buy a book or anything like that. so audaciousness is like a. an essential element for progress in. this but you need to be armed with. understanding that you're going to be. haters that there are going to be people. that are going to. not like what you say or what you do and. there's quite literally no one out there. that doesn't get criticized for. something so audaciousness does have. that dark side to it but. for people again. being audacious with your endeavor what. if it's the worst thing you ever do then.

again what if it's the best thing you. ever do. since you came on this podcast last time. i've been asking guests a similar. question which which is about this in. ingredients list of happiness have you. ever heard me say this to anybody i've. heard you say it but okay. just won't just ask that just in case. you had a premeditated response but the. question i ask people is um if happiness. was a list of ingredients. on a. on a recipe um in different weights and. quantities what is missing from your. list of ingredients that would make you. perfectly happy oh john i haven't.

thought about this i haven't thought. about this at all. i don't really look at my life and go. what's missing and even. some things i could say was oh you know. a permanent visa for australia. but i quite like the fact it's not. happened yet i'm looking forward to it. if it does come and even if i don't get. residency in australia i kind of relish. the challenge of what i would have to do. to then get it again so all of the. things that are lacking from my life. also seem like little challenges that. i'm excited for. but honestly i know a lot of people have. a facade for happiness.

i'm progressing in everything that i'm. doing and as i said before even on the. back burner i love jiu jitsu i'm. competing a bit at the moment i teach. classes. on a friday evening i have that and. so much of my values does revolve around. my work the book doing well my. professional life but then also at the. back burner i've always said this that i. could just get a dog. open a little jiu jitsu dojo with my. savings put it near the beach somewhere. hopefully in australia and i could just. teach people jiu jitsu for the rest of.

my life and i look at that and i go. on some days that's better than my. existing life you know so it's one of. those things where i don't really dwell. or use any mental or cognitive ability. thinking about. what's missing i don't think that's a. productive way to use cognitive effort. i think i am i sometimes question the. balance of things in my life and i. i sometimes i wonder whether it's. society telling me that i that the. balance is wrong or whether it's you. know your girlfriend telling you the. balance is wrong it happens a lot.

um or whether it's you know something. else but i think more in terms of the. balance of things so for example i might. be going to the gym too much or i might. be. working too much or i might not be. working enough. and those are the kind of things that i. i think i spend some time thinking about. usually upon getting feedback. i foolishly. for a long time used to say that i was. fortunate that i'd never struggled with. mental health problems and in some. respects that's true because there is a. bit of a throw that dice with how you. know our baselines of certain hormones.

or whatever in this trauma that can. occur in people's lives. but a friend of mine who suffered with. depression quite heavily he said to me. you are not aware of your habits that. protect your mental health and you need. to go away and think about the things. you're doing to actually. you know uphold this because. the way i see mental health now and this. could be quite controversial is like a. table like the one in front of us with. many legs and the legs can be completely. subjective am i going outside enough are. my family relationships good enough. how's my professional life how's my bank. account whatever it is.

and you can kick away one of the legs. and you'll be okay but people if they. don't realize that legs from the table. are disappearing it only takes that one. final kick before it topples over for me. being comfortable. not working too hard not traveling too. much not stretching myself too thin. is something that is really important to. me and. i haven't. drunk in probably about six weeks at the. moment and as i'm getting older i'm. really losing and diminishing my. relationship with alcohol because. when i was younger my values for. happiness didn't sit around productivity.

i could play xbox all day but as i'm. getting older my values are changing and. productivity is so important to me the. drinking alcohol now inflicts that. and even now i think to myself sometimes. drinking makes me less happy because it. negates my levels of productivity and. it's only as i'm getting older that i'm. starting to realize how important that. is to me. and i think that when we're younger we. don't quite see it that way we kind of. look to. use alcohol and especially in the. context of confidence.

people. can buy bottled confidence and they buy. it in the version of alcohol because. it breaks down those social. struggles that they have it makes them. feel more confident or more importantly. it makes them care less and as long as. we have alcohol available to us people. don't need to work on their inadequacies. when it comes to social interactions or. having the confidence to do things. when you talk about productivity in that. context of you know you value it more. now than ever do you mean professional. productivity in all sense whether it's.

having the energy on a sunday morning to. go you want to give me tennis you know. i'm rubbish at tennis but i like you. know you know when you throw a ball for. a dog how happy it is that's me chasing. the tennis ball around the tennis court. i'm awful but i enjoy just doing that or. productivity with work where so many. times i'll be in the shower and i'll. have an idea and the idea really excites. me. and people around me know that when i do. have an idea and i want to do it you. have to leave me alone to kind of hash. it out especially if i have a video idea. we could be going for breakfast if i. have a video idea i'm almost like.

i can't enjoy breakfast while i've got. the idea in my head. when i'm hungover or tired or you know. on the road with tours and book signings. or whatever if i'm trying to burn the. candle too much i lose that spark to be. able to have these creative ideas and. four or five days into a stretch of not. having anything creative come in i feel. the pressure i'm posted in a few days. and to me that's important that i stay. on top of those things and you know be. creative and come up with new ideas and. i even have a set of standards it's. pretty peculiar where.

i do look through my comments sometimes. although i know comments are the most. poisonous place to go the weight of one. negative comment outweighs 100 positive. but when someone says that's your best. video yet i've accomplished something. that's what i want. so. when i do go these long periods of time. without being productive in that sense. it starts to drain on me and i'm. starting to think. what am i doing. that's making me happy that's taking. away happiness from other areas of my. life professionally would you consider. yourself a workaholic.

no but that could be denial because. i like working. and. it's it's a difficult one now where i do. have to distinguish things where i can't. watch a film on my own because i don't. see it as productive but if i watch a. film with my girlfriend that's fine. because i'm it's almost like a blocked. out on the calendar professional time. but then. at the same time i do like having down. time to train jiu jitsu skateboard to. the beach have a dip i'm not like on my. phone all the time i do like leaving my. phone in my car when i do stuff.

but. i couldn't think of anything worse than. retirement this is why i kind of feel. everyone is. not brainwashed because i can't expect. everyone to have the same values as me. but when everyone's like oh you know buy. a house pay off the mortgage in 50 years. you can retire with that and i'm sure. that's great some people my dad loves. being retired but me that's my idea of. hell to wake up with nothing to do or no. problems to solve i think people. underestimate the human beings for. thousands of years have been problem. solvers with much worse problems than. what we have today. and the idea of just stopping that at a.

point in time just drives me crazy but. then. i'm not sure if i'm just potentially. wired differently to other people and. you talked about your girlfriend. you've been in a relationship for how. long now. over a year. so did john i've always been very. skeptical of talking about relationships. on podcasts because by the time they go. out i'm no longer in a relationship so. is is one of those things but yeah i'm. incredibly happy and i think that. there has to come a point where.

i actually did a magic mushroom trip uh. probably two years ago and about eight. of us we sat by the beach um we just. thought [ __ ] out and what was crazy was. if we went and got trolled on alcohol. and you know were absolute. caused chaos that's legal but for eight. of us to take some magic restrooms and. sit and think about life and share what. we're experiencing people that was. illegal. and. i had time to reflect on. i do see different areas of my life like. races and i like to be in competition.

with people that don't even know i'm in. competition with them for years i'd have. a list of social media competitors that. i'd never spoken to and i'd worked. tirelessly to beat them. uh yeah and you know what. there was an element of envy and. bitterness and that fueled me in some. respects but. i sat there on the beach and i thought. to myself. what if you win the race of having the. most money and the most notoriety and. the most you know fame. but your friends that did the nine to. five and work to retirement got the wife. and the kids and the happy life and also.

my mom and dad my family is very you. know traditional i thought. what really are they going to prefer me. coming home in a ferrari or me coming. home with a family and that was a really. big insight in my mind to. what's important to you that i impressed. my family yes because i want them to. think that their investment of you know. even now 33 years is gonna pay off and i. want them to one day sit back and go we. did a good job so it's very important. that i please my parents and i thought. i've really got to make sure that i. don't finish the race of life and have.

the money in the fame and realized that. i was in the wrong race. and that was such a big epiphany for me. and i realized at that point that i was. going to have to work harder in. relationships. how many relationships did you have give. me a history of your sort of dating. track record someone just sighed in the. background over there no. i never really respected them or took. them seriously because. i thought that my young 20s and even my. mid-20s were. more important to accomplish other. things it was only as i got to my late. 20s i realized hold on maybe these.

values. might be good for. professional life but they won't be good. further down the line in 10 years time. in bondi there's a lot of. wealthy older men they've got the sports. cars and the young girlfriends i don't. envy them at all i don't ever think oh. i'd love to be 40 with a 25 year old. girlfriend i don't ever think like that. but. i think it's just been one of those. things where. carol dweck. in her book mindset talks about a fixed. mindset. um and an open mindset and i appreciate.

that for so many things you could come. in today. with so many problems of the business. and my mindset is let's do this let's do. this we'll do this we'll turn this up. we'll do better on this we'll be fine. but with relationships i was very. fixed where if something went wrong i. was like ah. this this is your fault and we should. stop this right away and you can. appreciate in some people's lives when. things get tough they either take the. option of developing and becoming better. or they blame other people and. discontinue and i was fixed and i only. kind of realized that when i was older.

and. the negatives in your 20s are [ __ ] a. relationship aren't that severe if. anything i was like oh i get to work. more you know i have more time to myself. how long was your longest relationship. probably about a year okay so the the. current relationship is up there with. your longest ever don't tell either but. extra pressure on it but yeah it is and. i think that. especially there's some crazy things. going on in society where. there are more women over 30 without. children than under 30 and i think that.

that's that's a statistic that chris. williamson brought up on jordan peterson. when they had a chat and i was like. we're all. not appreciating family life. like the generation before us and i. don't think it's important that we take. their values as our own. but i think it's very easy like a kind. of rip in the sea to get taken out. without realizing that there's so much. in our lives that we can prioritize that. aren't the most important things. and my friends have got married and had. kids and families very early. there are some that feed the.

confirmation bias or don't get married. right or you know but the majority of. them are very happy and just before we. started talking. um i was going to mention like the. things called the inner citadel where if. you can imagine that someone. uh for whatever reason is this in. response to the question asked about. monogamy yeah okay so before we start. recording i asked james if he believed. in monogamy so imagine you've got. someone who injures his leg and they. have to chop his leg off i might butcher. this what i'm saying. he then might. end up being angry at people that have. two legs and make up his own reason.

actually do you know what two legs is. wasteland you know you don't need that. you only need one leg and because. something didn't work for him or his. his surroundings didn't suit what. happened to him he decided to tear. everyone else's down so when we talk. about monogamy. where there are people that are in open. relationships i often look at them and. you know i was going to say without. causing a fence [ __ ] them. who hurt you you know like at what point. did. is a societal structure being monogamous. but it's because there's a huge benefit. to doing that you're talking about.

sacrifice you're talking about you know. primitive urges or whatever it is but at. the base of that you get to support a. family better so. i believe monogamy is good for. loads of reasons i do believe in it and. also my mom and dad are still together. they're each other's first girlfriend. and boyfriend. but i do find that people that come. along and try and tear down your beliefs. of monogamy. they're the people that it didn't work. for them so they want to burn the system. same in the dieting world where you've. got plus size models promoting body. positivity. i think there's some absolute credit to. that i'm a personal trainer so i cross.

viewed that six-pack but. i think to them. they got [ __ ] over so much in the. pursuit of trying to get in shape that. they decided to tear the system down for. everyone else you know because it didn't. work for them they have to go around and. influence the way you see it. so i think that's one of the kind of. ways that i see things like monogamy i. think for the majority of people it's. perfect. but you're still going to get. well i'm assuming here but going to get. temptations and you know when we think. about the monogamy discussion i had this. conversation with my friends the other. day.

there is. i'm going to stitch them all up i don't. care there's six of them. and it's split down the middle whether. they believe in monogamy or polygamy um. or whether they believe i wouldn't say. polygamy is necessarily that some of. their beliefs it's more like. is one partner for life the right thing. is marriage the right thing or do you. have like a child with somebody maybe. and then. the future you're probably gonna end up. with somebody else um the stats around. around this are showing i believe. that people are struggling to stay in.

marriages. um as society develops. how how do we not. like are you not scared that. you'll lose the thing how do you not. lose the spark so remember we said about. the expectation in fact if you go into a. relationship expecting that you're gonna. cheat or you're gonna break up i don't. think that sets a good foundation for it. again i would like to go into a. relationship and potentially a marriage. or whatever. fully believing in it but being happy to. be wrong and if i get divorced later on.

in life as long as i tried my hardest. and i committed i can take that i could. take that as a loss or whatever it is. but. somehow in this debate we've lost the. ability to try your hardest at something. and you know what. if 10 15 years down the line you do lose. it be amicable about it don't destroy. someone's life and make them feel like a. piece of [ __ ] because you cheated cheat. them or whatever instead just call a. spade a spade and be like look. we might not be the same people we were. when we met. i think people should try the best and. try and build a stable home to bring up. a child because that's what i've been.

exposed to and if it doesn't work it. doesn't work i also don't think the. people should force the marriage at the. point that it's broken because i think. that two people under a house that. resent each other trying to bring up a. family it's probably better off just. having parents in two different. households and get more gifts for. christmas or whatever it is but do you. think cheating is a lack of discipline. in some respect and you know what the. majority of it yes because we do get. urges and i think you know we're we're. [ __ ]. we're monkeys in suits right we we are. chimps at the end of the day we are.

organized apes. we have come from a lineage of [ __ ]. each other up for so long like you go. back a hundred years a thousand years. the wars that we've had all humans have. ever done. is get territorial on bits of land and. kill each other right savages you know. you watch braveheart you're like wow. imagine being a imagine being a soldier. back then or you watched 300 and you're. like wow these guys were spearing each. other been going for lunch. so. you know we are forcing our dna and who. we are into this kind of preset mold of. you know do you take you to be a lawful.

of course there's going to be a lot of. people that don't sue that i think at. the moment as well there's so many. options. there's so much availability so many. secret places to slide dm. linkedin private message or your house. app that could be used like tinder. whatever it is no idea you could do that. one so how's that. neither did i. yeah [ __ ] so like uh there's there's. so many different places that avenues. people can go you know back in the day. if you wanted to take someone for a date. when you've got a wife you could be seen. out you could be seen you know talking.

to that person i think the repercussions. of being a [ __ ] house are probably a lot. less severe now and. i think that. the way society is going is worrying it. is definitely worrying that there are so. many options and what was that website. was it ashley madison. it was a dating site for married people. all right so if you wanted to be like. look we need to be hidden away at a bar. and have millions of users so straight. away i think it was brought down by that. hacking group anonymous or whatever i. could have got that wrong but. so there are so many people it could.

also be. other things like a lack of confidence. in your partner it could be a lack of. confidence in your relationship it could. be all these things but. in my mind. i think better that you you go for. something that feels right if you're. someone that sits here and goes i do not. want to get married i'm not saying you. know it's going to fit everyone but i. think if you're someone that. importantly there are sacrifices and. when i look to get married it's not just. about the relationship i have with that. person it's about creating a stable. platform to bring up children but again. we're almost bred in society like we can.

never be wrong ignorance is not a bad. thing we are all ignorant to so much the. majority of people couldn't tell you. anything really substantial about. history you know we don't know that much. about so many things i don't know what. the motorways are called in the north. all of these things so we're allowed to. be ignorant of these things and we're. allowed to be wrong but it doesn't mean. we shouldn't endeavor to get the best. possible outcome. i am i remember my girlfriend said to me. one day in it you know when your. girlfriend says something you kind of. rubbish at the time you deny it and then. later you're thinking about it it's one. of those things she said to me she was. like do you actually want to be in a.

relationship or are you doing it because. you know it's the right thing to do it's. a very important question. and it's and it's funny because a lot of. what you were saying was related to you. know you know you should it's the right. thing to do etc but deep in your core. you know you talked a little bit about. the fact that we're all monkeys and what. would the monkey want to do. would do you actually want to be if you. could have an alternative option would. you choose the alternative option where. you have the upsides of the relationship. and also the upsides of being single is. that what you believe most.

most people would choose i could be. getting this wrong as well but there's. something called the hot cold empathy. gap i think that's what it's called. where when we're angry it's very hard to. imagine being calm when we're hot it's. very hard to imagine being cold when. you're in one state of consciousness the. opposing state feels very hard to. reconcile. so. when you're single and you're [ __ ]. strangers and you're feeling very numb. afterwards and thinking why the [ __ ] did. i do that post not clarity uh as a lot. of people call it you're thinking car. what i do for a relationship what i. would do to.

[ __ ] someone and want them to stay you. know but then when you're in a. relationship you get the opposite when. you're in a relationship you're thinking. oh it could be nice to sleep with a. stranger or whatever it is. i think that we're always they say grass. is greener is very you know cliche but. we're always looking at that opposing. sense of feelings how we're feeling now. and almost curious about it. but i think there are dangers of you. know say you do want to open your. relationship you're opening the door to. catastrophic things should they happen. and. i think that there is definitely like a.

a. hard hard wiring side of things where. you know if you want that sense of. freedom on your side cool but they're. going to probably need that sense of. freedom on theirs and yeah it might seem. like a good idea now whilst you're in. the position of only slept with one. person for five years but then when you. experience the polar opposite. realization and reality what if you. realize you made a grave error you can't. undo seeing or knowing or experiencing. that so. again i'm not i'm not they're like this.

guy's been in a relationship but yeah. he's giving us all advice no i get it i. i think i've arrived at the same. conclusion i read the game that pick up. artists book and then i read his sequel. to it where he realizes that like much. of what the way he'd chosen to live and. live was wrong you know he becomes the. best pickup artist in the world he then. tries polygamy and realizes polygamy is. actually not the right approach and. doesn't need to happiness and then. decides the monogamy. um and generally when i think about all. the things that are worth it in my life. they come at a. a sacrifice. there's something else i have to choose.

instead if i want a six-pack can't. choose waffles every day if i want. waffles i don't get the six-pack and so. the six-pack itself is in fact just a. story it's a story of sacrifice of. discipline it's a story about who you. are and that's why it's perceived to be. valuable i think. for me a relationship is is valuable. because it's a story of commitment and. all the other things you said no to to. say yes to this that's part of what. actually gives it its intrinsic value so. and the six-pack is valuable because. it's hard to obtain that's why we give. it value and the story around the same.

yeah they're hard to obtain now they're. they're difficult it requires work like. a six-pack exactly and you've got the. temptations whether it's a chocolate. cake or a single person or maybe not. even single but. you need to really have like a clear set. idea on on what you want and again to. lean on your values and it's interesting. you say about the book the game you. realized in the first. the the call to action wasn't so much a. system but a belief in a system. and there is every chance that the. systems i've put in that book.

might not actually hold any weight but. if someone believes they will they could. end up working a bit like the game you. tell someone this is how it works they. have full faith in it and. it's an interesting one that some people. just need to know that it can happen and. for instance. i talk about the link we spoke about. confidence and anxiety confidence and. inspiration also sit. on a parallel with each other because. to get inspired by someone what we. really do is getting confidence from. seeing it happen. so you think about someone like joe.

rogan started off with being audacious. he then inspired us by allowing us to. feel more confident about the chance. that that could happen. and. there are two trails that people go with. this and this was really interesting. when i wrote about it people see your. success this success the podcast they go. two ways one they're bitter and they. [ __ ] want to hate you for it or two. they're inspired and you without knowing. it are projecting confidence into the. lives of hundreds of thousands because. you're showing them it can be done i. think it was nelson mandela that said.

no one believes it's possible until it's. done and a good friend of mine lucy. lloyd she. bought me a little. card that had it on it and gave it to me. and i stuck out my window when i first. got to sydney. and. it's so important that people do try. their hardest endeavors like. relationships because without knowing it. they're going to be friends even your. group of six people in that group. that you're inspiring them without even. knowing it and inspiration doesn't mean. you have to be the best relationship in. the world but you're showing people it. works. so. i think that the buck doesn't just stop. at sacrifice it also my parents would.

have inspired me my dad said the key to. a happy marriage is accepting you're. wrong even when you're right. you talk a lot about dating in them in. the book at different times. chapter six you talk about dating apps. again and your relationship with dating. apps and. how uh. you've been you've had kind of like an. on off relationship with dating apps. when i was thinking about writing my. next book one of the topics i was going. to write about was modern dating because. it appears to me that there's a. generation that have kind of been caught. in the technological transition almost.

so what i mean it's it's really it's a. very big topic and when i was writing. the book i was thinking [ __ ] this isn't. the dating book mate there's gonna be a. lot of married people reading this and i. say to them two things i go one. there might be something in there that. doesn't change your life but it could. [ __ ] change someone else's right and. even if you don't have many friends you. could instill that in your kids or. whatever it is and. dating is such a big topic because it is. actually an incredibly big pain point. because people either don't have the. confidence required to meet someone or.

they might not have the confidence to. leave someone and. when i spoke about the sunk cost fallacy. people remaining invested in something. purely based off their previous endeavor. whether it's time energy resources. there are so many people out there that. if you ask them why they're with their. partner they give you the amount of time. they've already invested i've been. within four years yeah do i throw it. away so you're already giving people. confidence to leave a relationship and. if you think you've got professional. life home life and health there's three. things. a lot of advice we need to give people. is around dating and.

it's been. maybe three years since i've touched. alcohol on a date. because i realized how much alcohol. skews the dating scene as well and even. my girlfriend won't mind me saying this. but. it got to the point where i would drink. to kill nerves before a date and you. might meet someone and straight away. look at my god this isn't going to work. but then three drinks in you oh kind of. all right and then before you know it. you shagged a stranger on a weeknight. you're hungover at work and you put. yourself off dating again because you. know that when you first met them you. didn't want that and the next day you.

did and you you're painting dating in a. negative light and. even how i met. my girlfriend now. i would say to people. let's meet and do something whether it's. going for a swim in the sea going for a. walk have you got a dog trying to get a. coffee and i actually like the idea of. moving with someone the two places i. find the most. uh. organic conversations are driving and. walking. driving when you're not sat facing each. other and it's not quite so. interview-esque people really open up. and they're also in a place that's very. relaxing for them and when you go for a.

walk and there's movement involved i. feel it feels less interview-esque you. say to me like let's remove dating out. the context i want you to sit with a. stranger and drink alcohol with them. with a small chance they'll be. compatible like no. imagine you know that's ludicrous i. don't want to do that but when you break. it down again like the fear and. insecurities whatever okay if the date. is too much what about getting an ice. cream at the beach okay that's something. i can do and as long as you're not. trying to lose weight. doing a swim on a monday an ice cream on.

a tuesday a coffee on a wednesday people. will think you're a bit promiscuous but. you know i mean. then you can get more dates in and again. we're going back into my marketing. analogy. surely seeing five people in a week for. 20 30 minutes each is going to be better. for your. general building of prospects than it. would be getting smashed on a thursday. night and shagging a stranger you're. never going to talk to again so even the. way people perceive dating can be hugely. changed and you talk about dating ups. there's one in london it's called. thursday yeah i know yeah where was that. when i needed it.

because there is so much small talk on. social media where. oh yeah what you're doing this weekend i. like that idea but. it's giving us one of many walls we can. hide behind because dating is difficult. and it removes sorry i've got a. boyfriend fake numbers. which i must have given my number wrong. uh. people are hiding behind that and. confidence isn't like an award it's not. like a trophy that i give you to go on. your wall well i don't see about it. you're confident it's more like fitness. where if you stop training it you'll.

lose it and you'll lose it a lot quicker. than you probably would expect so. people don't realize that. with so many things they're paying into. this bit like fitness but like going to. the gym or going for a run and when you. put up this massive stop like i'm going. to use dating apps although some people. do. find love and. meet their forever person on there. without realizing it they are reducing. them their ability to train that area of. them a bit like when you maybe don't do. work for a week you go back and sit in. front of your laptop how does this work. again. so there is a negative.

definitely. that goes along with the positive like. newton's laws where you've got all this. convenience on one side you're. definitely breeding weakness on the. other what is it that you. when you know that someone isn't going. to fulfill what they say they want to do. what are the cues of that like i was. just thinking because i'm thinking about. a particular friend who continually says. says they want to go to the gym and they. continually say they want to change. their life. but there's just no. um there's but there's been no change in. like 10 years.

and as a friend i'm getting like. exhausted by you know sometimes i'm like. i talk about a lot in the podcast with. when i have psychologists and stuff on. i'm like am i overstepping my mark for. even wanting to. help them it's a difficult one i'm the. same where i've actually found myself. turning into an [ __ ] yeah i don't. want to be an [ __ ] with my friends. because i feel like maybe there's that. point i'll get to where i finally will. click and then i realize i'm actually. ruining the relationship a little bit. amen i'm like are my friends now. resenting me because i'm trying to help. them. and.

yeah it i had a bit of a not falling out. actually having a chat with a friend and. he said to me oh it's all right for you. and we were living together at the time. and i said well i didn't live with. someone who had a [ __ ] million. followers when i was starting my. business. you know like and i said that to him and. i said when i was starting out as a pt i. didn't have any friends i could lean on. to do stuff and i was trying i said i'll. do anything you want for you to start. this business i'm here for you you can. have my instagram for a week and promote. your business whatever it is like.

but then you say yeah the the talk and. the actions don't always add up and then. you get to a point where you're like do. i want what's best for them or do i. preserve the relationship in that. situation what do you think the blocker. is belief. belief yeah i think they want it but. they don't really think they can do it. confidence is that this similar. yeah and they they portray confidence in. some areas of their life tremendously. but i i think the main thing is belief i. think they want to believe they can do. it but they don't truly believe it and. unfortunately action must come first and. you must actually prove to yourself that.

it can be done and that requires a lot. of work without any gratification people. don't realize that. you say about everyone knowing how to. lose weight on the outside it's almost. like a macro cycle but really the micro. cycle is the tiny habits in between so. someone can go i need to eat less and. move more but like that's nuanced really. we dive that down we go. okay. let's go. no food till 1 pm let's go. you know two big meals maybe one snack. whatever and then we go okay 10 000. steps a day although that does attribute.

to the macro the big thing that's. happening we still must give them the. small steps whether it's with a business. where you say like they you know their. big macro strategy is to post more on. social media but the micro is one post. every day answering someone's questions. doing this doing that i think that if. people's first stepping stone to where. they think they need to go is too big. they'll never take the step. and what i do as a coach. in many facets of my life is to make. that first stepping stone so small they. have no other option to take it super. interesting because what you said there.

you know the start start of that was um. about how you in essence people people. want evidence in order to start but. the truth is. when you start you get the evidence. and i see that a lot in people you know. people coming up to me saying i've got. this business idea they'll come up to me. in the gym all the time and say i've got. this business idea and then you'll hear. the next thing they'll say is all the. excuses that they've put in front of. them starting and i really mean that. like it literally is like i've got this. great idea i think it's going to change. the world. but and then they explain all the things.

they're imperfect about timing or. funding or i just need to wait for this. or this or whatever. and really under underpinning all of. that is a lack of belief and like you're. right like when i started i'm sure when. you started um i didn't have evidence i. didn't have sufficient evidence that i. knew what i was doing but i gained the. evidence which resulted in belief from. stumbling forward in a very messy way. for some reason people a lot of people. need the evidence first and we have this.

as well with imposter syndrome and some. people rebuke imposter syndrome but. we need to realize that every single. person is going to feel like an imposter. you get someone macho going no not me. but we will and. i like to point out to people that you. will at some point be an imposter. objectively even being a parent for the. first time. you have no previous experience bringing. a child into the world so the beginning. you need to pretty much lie to yourself. and go i'm a good parent and then after. three months and your young baby your. child hasn't got any bruises on his head.

you're like well i've got evidence i'm a. good charge you know he didn't fall over. and hit his head on a table or whatever. and the same in any endeavor your first. podcast you did on diary ceo you would. have had to say. i'm a good podcaster with no evidence. that you are but then a hundred episodes. and you go [ __ ] i'm actually all right. you are very good by the way as a. podcast i think i just acted like one. but then again you're being the person. you need to be yeah and that's a massive. part of confidence as well the the first. thing that people need to have a real. clear vision on is who they need to be. and that was the first thing that. projected me from.

not being an inherently confident person. should have seen the sweat patches i had. from the last episode you know and i'm. not trying to masquerade that fact i'm. not trying to hide it up or be you know. dishonest with people instead i have so. many internal conversations with myself. about who i need to be today because we. do need to become a persona in certain. situations like being a father for the. first time like doing your first. business sales pitch like. starting your first podcast or your. first. first day as ceo when you get promoted.

from a business you might go from. director to managing director there is. an element of you having to be an. imposter but you have to take it upon. yourself with beliefs that you can do it. because you can't get the evidence that. you're good at it before you start. if i spoke to your girlfriend and i. asked her i said what does james need to. work on. what would she say. oh. oh yeah nice pattern i uh. patience. interesting i have a very active mind. and i'm actually in the process of. trying to arrange getting an adhd test.

as an adult because people i know that. have been diagnosed in their older life. say it's. really benefited them understanding how. their mind works. and. sometimes i get so excited of doing. things. that will please me. i have blinkers on to other people. whether other people want to relax right. now or other people you know don't want. to be in the room while i'm filming. content or whatever it is and i feel. that sometimes i need to be more patient. and go okay here's the idea write it. down and do it tomorrow that's one of. the things that.

it's only after i've done it where i. think i had no consideration for anyone. else then because. i created a pain point in my head that i. wanted to action that. and i always break down our. personalities and this could be a really. weird way to think of it like a tribe. you know whether you've got lefties and. you know people on the right whether. you've got aggressive people or calm. people we're all part of an ecosystem. that we need the audacious people that. you know are gonna be impatient and do. things we need the critical thinkers and. people that are more logistic with that. but if you look at the 16 personalities.

none of those personalities are. confident confident isn't a personality. trait you've got debater entrepreneur. one of these things. so people need to appreciate that even. though as an ecosystem we all need to be. vastly different confidence doesn't sit. as a personality trait it sets it's. almost like a set of values that each. and every person can have because some. things that we have are predetermined. like heights and yes height can be. influenced by the amount of nutrition. you get growing up or whatever. but. ultimately it doesn't matter if you're. introvert extrovert whether you're.

patient impatient. everyone. really confidence is your. almost set of beliefs you have. surrounding something based on previous. experiences. i could get you the most least confident. person ever so i'm shy timid sat here. i go what do you like at driving. 93 of people say they're above average. at driving which doesn't make sense as a. statistic human beings are massively. capable of being over confidence. machines most uh exoneration cases are. from faulty eyewitnesses so whenever.

anyone's exonerated i think maybe 70. the reasons why from 40 eyewitnesses if. i said was that guy wearing a red top. you go yeah yeah it definitely was so we. do have the ability to be overconfident. we're just not utilizing it in all the. areas of our lives that we should. that kind of brings you back to that. point about um about evidence when you. said the thing about driving because if. i've never crashed a car. i would i think i've got evidence of um. being good at driving but then in other. facets of my life i might not have that. evidence yeah i think i'm really trying.

to understand that that point about. evidence is confidence just a. a result of the evidence we do or. subjective evidence whether correct or. incorrect that we've gained in different. areas like i could be. you know if i'd crashed my car every day. i could be really confident on stage and. on podcasts and in dates and whatever if. i've had loads of positive reinforcement. in terms of evidence there but really. unconfident in cars so uh in part of the. book i come up with my own kind of. theory with this and i say that we must. take into account that the history of. someone will have an.

influence on. how they perceive the world but that. doesn't mean it's fixed so you might. have you know. asked some people on a date and never. got a successful wave face to face but. that doesn't mean you're doomed forever. you know you might go oh you know my. ability to talk to someone to get the. number it's just not that good or how. many people have you asked that number. are three it's not something fixed that. we can never develop on the other side. of things where people will be. overconfident in certain scenarios it's. also. the availability bias turns into this as.

well where we make decisions based on. the information that's available to us. so. i've had a fun deep dive with this where. people. have a fear of flying much more people. have a fear of flying than they do fear. of driving but driving that same. distance as far as fatality is much more. dangerous your chances of dying driving. are tremendously higher shark attacks. again in australia everyone goes you go. in the sea it's really dangerous i go. mate you're like. so many times more likely to drown than. you are to get bitten by a shark but no. one's getting in the water being afraid.

of drowning and that is the biggest. cause of death i believe on bondi beach. where i live. so much of what we perceive the outside. world to be is really created and. curated by what's available to us and. our friendship circles are massively you. know influenceable on that as well. even you having three out of six of your. friends that don't believe in monogamy. that's going to influence your. availability bias of what you think. is capable in a relationship there's so. much more to the topic of confidence. than just your your history it's also. your current and who you're with. i guess even that's that friendship.

circle all those you know that is a form. of evidence as well like if my friends. are telling me that i am a. a useless scumbag whether they're saying. it directly or just with a facial. expression um that is adding somewhat to. my self-story which is this formation of. evidence i have about myself and that. could lead me to be pessimistic in my. endeavors or optimistic are you saying. to like are you advising people to. chop these people out of their circles. the term i use is picking your. passengers where if i said you got to.

drive eight hours tomorrow that's one. thing but if i say i'm putting someone. in the car with you that's something. completely different altogether and. for eight hours you would be so. meticulous on who you go with i'm sure. that if it was someone you didn't really. get on with you'd be like can we not. just get him a driver and drive him up. you know. your space in your car is so you know. private to you and important to you and. again even when you are traveling around. or whatever it is. having people with you that are going to. drain you of energy becomes almost like. a cost. and by going on your own or with someone. better picked you're going to be able to.

improve your productivity your sense of. the way you see things so we do need to. appreciate that people we surround. ourselves with are either going to be a. headwind or a wind in our sails they can. be the neutral lot but we must take note. of that and i'm not saying that if. anyone causes you any issues get rid of. them but you need to weigh it up in the. long term because if you're with someone. who's got a pessimistic outlook on life. in the world and they're not going to. change irrespective of how much you help. them they will hinder your net position. so the values of how much your net. position is important to you and your. family and people around you.

you might have to make the decision to. let that person go. in the book you reference jordan. peterson um you talk about this utility. deprivate utility of deprivation concept. a word a phrase i've never heard before. um. please explain it to me and why you felt. it was contextually relevant to this. topic i went down a rabbit hole and. jordan peterson you know i don't agree. with everything he says that's that's. the that's the term. disclaimer i do not agree yeah yeah but. i do agree with the majority of things.

he says and masturbation is something. that we kind of just you know. porn and. only fans we're kind of like oh you know. let people live but. you know there are some only fans models. being murdered by their fans whereas. some of us might think oh it's good for. society we've got. porn where men can access more naked. women in an hour. than a man could ever access in a life. 20 30 40 years ago. that again newton's laws of opposites. every action opposite reaction that's. gonna be doing things to people and if.

i'm in a bar and i'm like you know i. really want to talk to that person again. i'm using a data knowledge it could be. anything if i go home and masturbate to. some really hot people in porn. i'd be like oh no i'm just getting. another beer with my mates you know so. having that utility of deprivation and. if you abstain from and i'm not saying. i'm not anti-porn or nofap or whatever. they call it. i'm just saying to people to consider. the implications if you stop if you're. someone who's lonely and you're single. could abstaining from masturbation. improve your net position [ __ ]. probably because you're going to be in a. position where you can't just get the.

gas out the release valve every now and. then that suits your purpose because. even some people are getting. desensitized to sexual intimacy because. of the amount of time they're spending. much important that's not good for. anyone imagine you get to 40 and the. idea of actually [ __ ] someone doesn't. seem as good as the idea of what's. important and this is something. especially with young people. they realize well the reality of having. sex when you're 16 and what you've. watched on porn is vastly different so. we cannot say that this is just a. net benefit or a net positive thing for.

people so the utility of deprivation is. to appreciate that sacrificing some. things in your life has a positive. effect to stop drinking for instance. will have a net positive on other areas. of your life to stop eating junk food or. at least reduce the amount or reduce. your adiposity the amount of body fat. you have there is a utility to depriving. yourself although. porn is great fast food is great and all. of these things although that's great. there is a utility and a benefit to. depriving yourself of them have you. deprived yourself of masturbation. masturbation in general. i'm in a healthy relationship so i.

haven't really got the time to do it as. i did before the urges are there. sometimes don't get me wrong because. it's also a form of escapism you know. people might fantasize about sleeping. with other people and i think that if. any you haven't got the time to do it. that's [ __ ] no but like. that is [ __ ] you're right that's my. i'm kind of trying to fill the gap there. with like some kind of defense you could. probably do it now and i wouldn't know. it's like. now you said not to make the table make. a noise. so it's one of those things where. you know i'm not saying make it illegal.

get rid of porn i'm not saying that i'm. saying that we need to take note of the. the conveniences in our life and i. completely get that i'm just asking from. a personal perspective it's a thing that. i've been thinking a lot about because. i'm in a relationship as well and um. i do believe that my intimate. relationship with my partner will not be. as good if i masturbate all the time i. my desire won't be there so if i. masturbated at 9 00 pm and then i got in. bed with my partner at 10 p.m i'm gonna. want to sleep. and especially if they if you've somehow. misinterpreted where you're at in the. day and then. an arm comes around and goes hey babe.

and you're like [ __ ] yeah so. there'll be. a lot of female listeners that can't. appreciate to the full extent what it's. like to be a man once you've ejaculated. and they call it post that clarity and. all these things i'm sure i'm going to. be absolutely slammed for saying this. but it is a change in. in psychology like instantly there's no. other way that you can experience it. again the hot cold empathy gap when. you're horny you can't imagine not. having a sex drive and when you've not. got a sex drive you can't imagine being. horny but you know. it's one of those things where we just. need to take it into consideration and.

for someone if i was to sit opposite. someone today and go could your life be. better if you stopped drinking as much. they say yeah you should probably. [ __ ] not drink as much could your. life be better and your day tonight be. better if you stop wanking to porn yeah. well maybe stop wanking to porn or at. least do it less i think my entire life. would be better if i stopped wanking to. porn i do because i think i'd have a. better relationship i genuinely do i. think you would look forward to. the intimacy way more if you knew the. only way that you were going to get it. was with your part i mean.

there's me saying masturbation is. intimacy but you would look forward to. it a lot more um if you weren't getting. the. releasing the valve. in your hotel room while you're in. london promoting your book. what did you have cameras. but you're right it is one of those. things where it's a complex topic and. i'm not coming in it from a position of. expertise when you said that i thought. i've never heard it put so succinctly. that there is a benefit to abstaining. from things that you like. and liver king exact same philosophy he.

goes. we don't eat the liver because we like. the toast we do it because it's good for. us and he's like no one likes training. but we do it because do i sound like him. it's like he's like he's in the room. again yeah yeah so it's it's one of. those things where we must appreciate. some things. you know pure net benefit aren't going. to benefit us in a long time now if. you're in a relationship and you're. masturbating i would say. that maybe isn't as severe as being. single and masturbating because. being in a relationship and say you. masturbate here and there or you have a. long shower and enjoy yourself that's. one thing but if you're single and doing.

it you're preventing yourself from going. down the path of doing something you. need to do which is to. you know be more proactive in meeting a. suitable life partner and again someone. say i'm brainwashed or this guy's. monogamy brainwashed or whatever at. least if you're in a relationship you're. not hindering your potential quite to. the extent of inaction on this side. what is your goal. like what is your do you have a goal in. terms of your life when you think about. what you're trying to achieve right now. from being here from what you've done. over the last month what is it what is. it you're trying to do.

i was i got to shoreditch this morning. about quarter to seven couldn't get a. coffee so i'm walking down the road to. try and find something. and. i ended up going down the road and a. lady just said thank you and i said what. for. and she goes you changed my life and i. was like thank you i was talking to her. and she started crying and i get very. awkward i get awkward when someone gets. me like a birthday present when people. are like oh get the cake out of [ __ ]. sake i. even at christmas it feels weird to be. given gifts i just feel very awkward and.

i feel like. me just going thanks for that isn't. enough so now i find myself putting it. on like guys you didn't have to that's. fake i just it weirds me out so when. people compliment me in real life i get. very awkward and my friends laugh about. it they're like you know relax mate. she's just saying thank you and then she. started crying and i was like what am i. done. and. to me this is a very very strange thing. that a stranger would cry seeing me when. i've never met them spoken to them on. the phone or messaged them. so. from that interaction it's apparent that.

there is a net positive effect for what. i'm doing and i do take pleasure in that. even though i do find it incredibly. awkward. so for me that small interaction there. kind of pays into this pot that this. little crusade i'm on of trying to. eradicate [ __ ] and i'm definitely. roughing up some people on one side but. on the other side i'm making people's. lives better i think [ __ ] this that. makes me feel good that's a selfish. endeavor i'm helping people because it. makes me feel good but. i'd like to continue that and at the. same time i live i live a great life you.

know. it sounds really cliche people go. i have something that other people will. never have and that's enough. and that's how i feel all the time so. yeah. it's a bit crazy what was the worst day. of your life. 13th of march 2017. i went to i was in sydney i'd been there. and personal training in the uk. did well earned good money. uh lived in my parents moved out moved. back in for a bit. my mum and dad were heroes for me when i.

was doing the long hours and you have to. do i remember someone saying as a. personal trainer get your first thousand. hours under your belt because once. you've done that everything else is easy. i just focused on that. and. it went really well my mom and dad. helped me my mum would leave leftover. food for breakfast so i'd literally be. eating like yorkshire pudding on roast. potatoes at nine o'clock in the morning. cold at the tupperware. and then i'd come home from rugby at. like 9 30 in the evening my mom's like. give me a washing you know you go to bed. so then when i went to australia that's. what i wanted to do again just. face-to-face personal training but i.

went into a gym with 32 other personal. trainers during who's listening. somewhere here was the only person that. introduced himself to me at 32 pts. whether it was because he saw her. struggling or the fact that i was. english he was just a nice guy and he. was like hey mate i want to get a coffee. and i pissed off so many of the other. personal trainers by prospecting so hard. on my first day that one of the trainers. said he said if you talk to my client. again i'll take your head off. i was like wow this is a competitive gym. and for the first six weeks in that gym.

that i met during. i was failing i was not creating a. client base. i was doing 25 30 hours of pt a week in. the uk i moved to paradise now. struggling to do six hours and this is a. crazy thing now i'm in sydney and people. go james i love your stuff i go well in. 2016 no one loved it i couldn't even get. people in for a free session. i would say to people like hey mate can. i give you a couple tips with the. exercise you do and they're like now. and so. i've gone from this stage in my life. where. that was demoralizing because at least. if someone told me to [ __ ] off when.

they're doing a pec fly. in my old gym i could go into the pt. room and have banter with other pts we'd. pick ourselves up and go oh don't talk. to him mr grumpy guards doesn't want any. help even though he can't contract his. chest or whatever but in this gym i kind. of had nowhere to go. so. on the 13th of march i sat in an area. called australia square. and my two housemates said how's it. going and i was like no good. i was like. i was thinking about the fact i might. have to move back home to my parents and. i've just moved into paradise.

the week before i had to borrow about. 500 pound off my dad to buy a sofa i. still have that sofa now. and like being 27 at the time messaging. my dad and asking him to paypal me 500. quid so i could buy a sofa and some of. the ikea stuff i was like it doesn't. feel good because. i had everything i wanted in the uk i. was doing well i went to follow my. dreams and then suddenly i was borrowing. money from my dad at [ __ ]. at the age where i shouldn't have to. and that was the point for me where i. was like. i need to do things differently so.

there's a street called pit street i. walked down it and there was an office. works and went into office works i. bought a whiteboard and some markers. and it was only 2pm in the afternoon i. was like i'm done went home 3pm. 3pm in australia it's 6am in the uk. so i set up a tripod got my iphone i. didn't have to edit didn't know how to. record. i had to do a speech for three minutes i. had about 3 000 followers. live on facebook with the use of. whiteboard the first one got maybe like. 100 likes and i was like i've gone. [ __ ] viral.

and i decided that i was gonna do my six. hours of pt try the best i could which. wasn't even enough to survive at that. point but then i was going to go home. and do everything i could to build an. online on online following and to build. an online business. and that was in march by may i left the. gym. still had to pay rent for a year. but i had one remaining client he. actually i made more money staying at. home than i did going to the gym and i. had one client and she said to me she. couldn't afford to go to a festival so i. said instead of paying me 120 which is. like 65 pounds i said bring me a gift i.

like training you we have fun just bring. me a gift so she come in she's like i've. got you a lululemon hoodie so sick cost. less than the pt session. so i'd go in and skateboard in and i. would literally just go in to train this. client for free but she'll have a gift. to me and all the other pts were like is. it your birthday i was like i don't. charge money to my clients anymore i. have an online business but if it wasn't. for that day where i literally i had the. lump in my throat when i was messing my. mates and i was like i'm not good at. work i'm failing a pt business which is. the only reason i came to australia.

if it wasn't for that. i wouldn't i got the whiteboard i. wouldn't have got the markers and i. wouldn't have gone home and gone live on. facebook which just so happened to be. the beginning of a compounding effect to. build a following. it was then 50 000 followers i bought a. camera learned how to edit terribly my. first video that i ever filmed. uh without a iphone was one that did an. aloe vera i didn't know how to wet the. camera didn't know how to edit properly. i did one long piece that i put on. facebook i was like aloe vera in that. [ __ ] sunburn were you drinking it for.

fat loss oh you're an idiot and. although that was kind of like. not even that bad like no one died but. in the same respect that all wins feel. the same all losses can feel the same so. it's not competition if you sell a. business for five million dollars and. someone else sells one for 500 million. you don't get a different dopamine and. serotonin you're not on an uber. surcharge you're not waking up like oh. my god i feel amazing. but the same with pain for me to. struggle in my business which is very. important to me someone might go well. yeah my dog died and i said well we're. both [ __ ] sad this isn't a.

competition but to me that was really. one of the times i was like. this is [ __ ] but i'm so grateful to the. version of myself back then that took. action from that. because. one of my favorite quotes in that book. was from. uh one of the most famous martial. artists of all time called hixton gracie. and he goes losing is not the same as. being defeated. and that was massive you said it on my. podcast where he goes you can lose but. if you turn up and you go again you've. not been defeated so if someone competes.

in jiu jitsu and they lose a match. that's cool but if you lose and you. never compete again as far as i'm. concerned you were defeated that day so. for me social strategy whatever it is if. people can appreciate whether it's. asking for a number ask him for a pay. rise start in a business. losing is one thing being defeated is. something completely different it's one. of the quotes you said in chapter three. in the book is the key to confidence is. being happy to lose i thought that was. really. a really simple way of saying a lot. people seem to correlate confidence with. success but that's completely wrong. confidence is much more of a.

relationship to failure and. i stumbled across that by accident with. the door knocking i was completely fine. someone told me to [ __ ] off knocking on. their door to sell empower i was like. cool one in 100 is a cell that's one of. the 99. so. you know it becomes that point on the pt. even on the floor trying to help the guy. with these pec flights him telling me to. [ __ ] off i was so fine with that because. i knew i'd have to talk to finite amount. of people to get sale so when people can. be truly happy with with losing not. being happy with being defeated very. different then you build a sense of.

confidence and if we all imagine our. friend that's got the most confidence in. the world they're just beaming with it. all the time. if something doesn't go right for them. and they fail. how much does it affect them. often not a lot because they're not. caught up with failing they're caught up. with. what or how many times they would have. to fail to accomplish success but if. i've got a self story based on this goes. back to one of the points i raised. earlier based on the fact that when i. was. eight years old i did public speaking on. stage and it went so badly that when i.

got off stage all the kids on the. playground abused me one of them threw. an apple at my head. you know the girl that i was dating with. my little playground relationship dumped. me. when i when i grow up my self-story. around the consequence of public. speaking. failure will be. trauma-centric. and so. for those individuals presumably. confidence is much harder to attain in. if confidence is evidence you've got a. pretty big mountain of evidence to. overcome. with positive evidence um.

in order to change your your belief and. that's why i'm trying to understand the. role of trauma in. in confidence and belief. so what i would say to this is if we can. try and develop a sense of gratitude. towards these inadequacies because those. inadequacies even from eight years old. public speaking show you the path to. progression without understanding and. really dialing down to where you're. inadequate you can't have a path and so. many people that are kind of lost in. life they're like i don't know what i.

should do in my life cool well can you. identify something that you're insecure. about and can you work on it again i'm. insecure about how i look naked can you. work on it yeah then [ __ ] work on it. because. you know. again i think it was simon sinek who sat. opposite you and he goes. passion comes as a byproduct not reason. to start something it's a reason you. remain invested in something. and people need to appreciate that. passion may not exist in their life. right now and it might not exist for. another five years because you might do. another career for two years and you. [ __ ] hate it and then you do another. for three and you'd love it three years.

in you feel passionate about it so if. you're five years away from truly. feeling passionate about your work. what can you do today you can work on. your inadequacies whatever it is and it. doesn't have to be this huge mountain of. you know oh i'm gonna ask a supermodel. in a day it doesn't have to be that you. don't have to double your salary asking. for a pay rise you just need to do. something that you could do to develop. your inadequacies would that be your tip. because there's going to be people. listening and i can almost sometimes. when i'm recording this podcast the way. that i decide what question to ask the. guest is i just go down the lens i go.

through the lens into the person that i. know is listening and i know. that there'll be a suzanne walking her. dog this morning who's got a confidence. issue as it relates to. just herself and her life generally. maybe she might characterize it as low. self-esteem she struggles to take action. against the things that she calls her. ambitions what is the the actionable. place for su what's the if there was one. actionable thing to take away from this. what would that be where does what does. suzanne do today i'll be taking this one.

from tim ferriss i'll fully credit him. fine we'll cut that out you can just own. it steal it so there's a exercise online. which is very popular in asking 10. discount on a coffee. and everyone's like really attacked this. because they think it's about the. discount it's not it's about looking. [ __ ] stupid so the next time you. order a cup of coffee you're to ask for. a 10 discount not because you expect to. get one but because it's a really. [ __ ] uncomfortable situation. in many cases you're asking someone who. can't give you a discount it's. completely out of your control there are. people around you and it it's just a.

weird thing to ask so i wrote the. chapter i'm in sydney. and i thought i'm a [ __ ] hypocrite if. i don't do this so there's like a little. cafe near where i work i was like i'm. going to do it and there's no one there. so sweet no one's in the queue and as i. get there it got to the point where i. just didn't get served and then there's. two people behind me i was like [ __ ]. don't do it and i was like well it's. gonna feel very difficult right in the. next chapters of the book feeling like a. fraud. so i was like can i get a 10 discount on. my coffee please and she just looked at. me like. what and i was like i'm such an entitled.

little prick right now this is how i. must see him. and she was like what do you mean i was. like can i get a 10 discount. and at this point i was like this is the. most uncomfortable i've been i was like. i would rather go out 5 000 people in a. crowd no. nothing pre-organized i'd rather do that. than do this situation right now and she. turned around behind and they had like a. stamp card where you get your 10th. coffee free and she was like but you buy. 10 you can get 10 off. and then i walked away i'm in from that.

and i realized why it was such a great. example because. it's not about the discount it's about. putting yourself in a situation that. makes you feel very uncomfortable and. then when you leave you realize. why did i create this fast why was i. sweating why did i have adrenaline why. did i have sweat patches from such a. simple interaction of being. uncomfortable. and i felt very accomplished and i. weren't like when i got back to writing. i felt invigorated i'm never going to. use that stamp card to me i'd rather not. worry about the card and pay for extra. for the coffee but i was like wow i was. like what else can i do and i only did.

it as an exercise to help me with the. book writing process and i was like wow. i get it i get why people would tell. other people to do that because. people seem to think people are paying a. lot more attention to us than they. actually are mark manson he said as his. favorite quote on your podcast people. wouldn't care what other people thought. of them so much if they realized how. seldom they do. i had google seldom i didn't know what. it meant. and not yeah. um and i was like [ __ ] that's a really. good point and there's been studies on. this where people.

turn up to class late they think. everyone's looking at them they are. students at the end if anyone came in. late the proportions were much lower and. even people that wear t-shirts with. embarrassing characters on it. they think that half the people they. interacted with would remember and the. percentages are much lower. we seem to think that we're in the. truman show in every single action we. take that the world cares about us but. they don't they don't even notice we're. there half the time the chances are the. people i was petrified of behind me. didn't even listen or they were too busy.

they're on their phone checking tick. tock the person behind probably just. thought as a weirdo and never remembered. my face again maybe you inspired them. maybe maybe they're going to go do it. again so there are there are little. things like that or at least. if you have something in front of you. that is. really petrifying you is there some way. you could break that down into an. actionable step. say. you know if someone out there wants to. express their opinions on topic maybe. they're a physio maybe they're a pt. maybe they're an investment bank or a. mortgage broker they're petrified of. putting their opinion out there because.

they're worried about what other. mortgage brokers or pts are going to. think they're worried about the people. that are never going to give them money. that's the [ __ ] craziest thing pt's. are petrified about what pt's think. about how many [ __ ] pts sat in your. console how many oh yeah i'd like to use. my pt. could they post something. because something is better than nothing. is there they don't have to be. controversial is there one step they can. take and if people can identify that one. small step if it's too big break it down. and. i just don't understand why. people can't set themselves that mental.

exercise i think the most amazing thing. about the coffee example as well is the. fact that you actually got you found a. path to getting ten percent. and it's funny because so many times i. reflect on my own story just asking a. question was actually the catalyst it. was that was the inflection point in my. life where everything changed. and people don't have the confidence to. ask the question and it sounds like such. a trivial thing like when you was just. asking for temperature on coffee but for. me that was so profound that she she was. like what what but then if she turns. around and actually opens the door to 10.

off you think about that in your life. generally you talk about it in the book. about asking for a pay rise or asking. for a promotion or asking for whatever. um i think if you zoom out on your life. and you are the type of person who. develops the habit of asking. your life will have a completely. different trajectory the further you. zoom out because i can tell you that the. pivotal moments in mind where i asked a. simple question. and it seemingly changed everything or. you know like you think about how things. compounded over time the compounding.

moments were these moments of asking for. something which most people. would have. you know you talk about personality. types in here you say you know the need. to achieve or the need to avoid failure. i think a lot of that is is kind of. interlinked. with what we're saying here because i've. always had the. i feel like the need to achieve has. outweighed my my need to avoid failure. so i'm much more likely to ask for [ __ ]. from people especially when i started. out just email a guy would you invest in. my company the weird thing which i don't. think i ever talk about.

is the first email i sent became my. first investor and i bet your. relationship with him saying no would. have been fine i had nothing to lose i. was shot lifting pizzas it was like. i was stealing pizzas to feed myself i'd. also emailed this guy and asked him for. 10 grand and he said yeah. it's crazy you say that the it's this. point you have before about asking the. question i was. visiting in split they have these in. croatia they have these like waterfalls. and you go out like minivans and you go. and explore them usually we did got. weeks after we were like dying a little. bit let's go to a waterfall do something.

wholesome there's a guy on a laptop at. the back of the minivan. and i was like what are you doing and he. was like i have an accountancy business. in miami i was like okay but what are. you doing here he's like i'm working i. was like what you're working on a laptop. from miami right now. now and i was like being inquisitive and. he goes can i recommend a book and he. recommended the book four hour by week. and i got home and i read through it and. there were some things that just didn't. apply to me at all but then the one. sentence summarized exactly every single.

emotion i'd felt for the last year and. it said the opposite of happiness is. boredom. and within three weeks i flew to. australia one way that was my inception. moment a book recommendation from a. random guy in a minivan in croatia sent. me to do what is arguably no it is the. best single decision i made in my life. also. and. i do i look back now and i'm like whoa. the universe the butterfly effect if. yeah i had picked a different seat on. the minivan i don't know where i would. be today. the opposite of happiness is boredom.

so sometimes when people experiencing. almost like a bit of malaise or they're. not experiencing happiness and it's full. emotion they think that and this is only. one spectrum of it. they're not sure of the emotion they're. experiencing. and for me i realized although i was. successful in the uk and pt and i was. bored. i wondered what this weird emotion was. why i wasn't feeling the same. motivation to go to work i wasn't. enjoying the same transactions and i. realized that. my growth had shunted without realizing.

because i was comfortable i was earning. good money i was you know everything was. i was the highest paid pt in my gym it. was easy to just remain there were you. lacking a sense of purpose. probably. looking back now but i was meaningful. purpose like you've got a purpose you. know going to the gym a purpose but like. meaningful purpose where it really has. uh intrinsic. you know meaning to you you think it's a. worthwhile endeavor the way i feel now i. didn't think was possible when i was. younger so when i was 27 and made this. decision i didn't know that i could have.

purpose in that respect i was very happy. just being a pt in the gym but i never. realized i'd always up until this point. of i'd gone 26 out of 27 years. never earning enough money to really get. by you know i'd never really succeeded. in business 27 this is the first time. i've actually accomplished anything all. my jobs and relationships before i've. just been failed at at 27 years old i'd. done nothing remarkable with my life. whatsoever. rugby career average grades average job.

performance is average at 27 i was. actually excelling in something for the. first time in my life so being bored was. a very strange emotion i couldn't. decipher it's like what is this feeling. because i'd never succeeded at anything. really i didn't think it was possible to. be successful and board at the same time. and then. flying to australia i was never bored. again and i haven't been since i think a. lot of people are successful on board. you know what i mean successful in the. context of someone else of the social. definition of success right you're not. truly successful i think if you're bored.

but you are in the eyes of maybe your. parents that wanted you to be a doctor. and now look at you smashing it as a. doctor but you you know but you're. you're bored. another tough thing to take into account. was the fact i was servicing about seven. hours a day of pt which is like seven. one to one meetings and i mean. it's quite hard because at least when we. do a podcast now if it's two hours we. can go hard for these two hours because. we know there are going to be millions. of hours listening to you but for me. that one hour i spend with a client it's.

just one person yeah if we were to. record this and only one person would. listen to it you'd be like i'm not sure. this is really cost efficient so those. seven hours a day. although i had a purpose in those lives. it almost got to the point where i was. like i could be helping more and that's. why i enjoyed doing social media. although i didn't pay off for the first. four years and that's the purpose piece. though that's the that's it would be. even more meaningful and worthwhile for. you to do. to do more and people say this now they. go would you pt someone for two thousand. pounds an hour like i was tempted. but.

that one hour i could spend making one. video that could i get that all the time. people people say to me you should be. like a life coach where you should um do. coaching sessions. and i'm like yeah but i get to do. coaching sessions on here by bringing on. like you know people like you and simon. sinek and whoever i bring on this is the. coaching session and millions can listen. versus one on one and it almost seems. like a bit of a bit of a waste not no. disrespect to my clients before they. were the people that enabled me to sit. here right now and i'll be forever. grateful for them but it did get to the. point where i was like. i almost take more happiness from.

helping thousands than i would want and. the financial implications are obviously. very different but. it's amazing to see a video where so. many people the video might take me 15. minutes to make an edit and put out i. still i'm i do my own editing it's. probably the happiest moment of some of. my days i love the creation phase. like i've had an idea it's been born. i've recorded it run to my room i'm. editing it getting all perfect then i. put it out and i check the next day and. i'm like i can't comprehend the amount. of people that might have benefited and.

especially when something gets a lot of. views and i'm sure let's say you put. this podcast out i'm not sure i did this. the other day i was watching england. play rugby i was in a stadium with 50. 000 people. and i was like there's a lot of people. here and if someone asked me to go into. the middle. and be like james here's a microphone. chat [ __ ] i like that's a lot of people. my story reviews were a quarter of a. million the same day and i was like. how is this real how is this real and. when you think about the amount of. people you can talk to i can't. comprehend it. what would you say to those people that.

are currently bored in their lives. sometimes my biggest fear is setting my. sights on a mountain where i could reach. the summit. and i think some people haven't realized. they've reached the summit and it's very. important that you get to that point and. you set a new height to accomplish. so. again i always talk about jiu-jitsu but. for me that is something that will never. be finished. i will never. conquer that and it doesn't have to be. martial arts for people but there should. be something that you move away from. your business because someone can take.

away your business someone can take away. your social media someone can take away. everything but they can't take away that. and having something where you know. you'll never master it i think i know. i've discovered that i'll never be bored. and i love that because if i break my. leg tomorrow training i can teach and if. i can't teach i can study and if i can. study i can pass on the information to. other people i feel like stagnation. is like my biggest fear. and i think a lot of people just haven't. realized that they're there so they just. need to set their sights on something. anything no it's interesting it's.

interesting that i everything you've. said resonates a lot there because i. realized at some point maybe when i. completed the first set of goals i had. at 18 that the only goals worth having. in this phase in the next chapter of my. life were those that are incompletable. so in like every facet of my life the. the best goals i have the most. the most intrinsically fulfilling are. those that i know i can't complete so i. posted on my instagram the other day. about the gym. every year i wanted to get a six-pack. for summer that was the goal. you know it would maybe last four months. and then i'd fail at some point my goal.

became consistency something that i. could never really complete it's. something that i can you know achieve. every day but a goal that can't be. completed and it's the same with this. podcast the reason it's so enjoyable. is because there is absolutely no end. there's no conceivable end in sight it's. the journey itself and it's the it's the. the process that i think is going to be. rewarding and then i tried to change all. my businesses at one point when i. started reading about simon sinek and. infinite games and finite games so i. said what would i have to do to create a. business from top to bottom that was. designed to.

to not have these goals of like let's be. number one or let's make 100 million but. was infinite and it completely changes. everything and then it has a really. impact and strange impact on how you. treat people as team members. so you start designing the organization. to be sustainable in every way that is. where i'm at in my life now it's trying. to fill my life with these incompletable. goals because completed goals let me. down. you know i said about the ansi climax. seeking inspiration from people that. have done it from our last conversation. i didn't realize how much our. conversation had impacted me until i got.

home and i was like. i'm not producing a good level podcast i. was like i need to get proper. microphones i need to invest in better. cameras i need to do a better job. editing. and then your social strategy as well. just every facet of it i was like i was. inspired by you doing better than me and. that was something that i'd three months. later i went [ __ ] sitting down with you. i was like that really like rubbed. shoulders in a way that benefited me and. i was like it's one of the first times. i've really felt the impact of.

what even just sitting and talking. someone can do for your inhabits and i. found it such a shame that some people. won't be inspired by other people's. success i feel like it's a shame that so. many people see success and see as a. reason to be bitter. and. yeah for me it was it was great i left. feeling for a start. i think you forced a lot of people that. didn't like me to listen. they i know a lot of people would have. gone why the [ __ ] yeah stephen sat down. with him yeah yeah and they've gone pro.

listen to and i got a lot of people. messaging me going i thought you're a. dick we have a closing tradition on this. podcast as you know of your question. funnily enough has been left by the. liver king. oh snap. i didn't think about that when you said. he was the last one on i was like oh. that's really cool i was like i kind of. would have liked to have met him and. just to. be in his aura not because i'm a fanboy. but like i always look at him and i'm. like i want to know how he smells. you know he smells bad but and i'm only. saying that because he said it so he. walked in and said by the way i smell.

bad because i don't use any deodorant. but um i don't actually usually tell. people who's written the question but. i'll make an exception today. um. what is the hardest. why am i. nervous that's a question i feel like is. you know when you're an interview like. ready to get a job you're like the last. question if you want to win. what is the hardest thing you've ever. done in life. your right of passage.

oh i gotta try and answer this that. sounds like a [ __ ]. right of passage hardest thing i've ever. done. see all the things that come to mind. like jokes i can make. like putting up with durian's. disorganization or something you know. but i've got to think about serious. answer. he talked a lot about this concept of. your rite of passage so his hardest. moments in life he sees them all as a. right of passage for getting somewhere. else. the only real thing that i would say has. been. hard or even noteworthy would be the.

ability. to fall in love with repetition of dull. tasks. it sounds like a really weird thing to. say it's the only really painful thing. i've ever done in my life really where. there are things you need to do every. day consistently for years without. any form of. you know instant gratification and. evidently not enough people have that. ability. and there have been so many days of not. wanted to do anything. but you do it anyway and you kind of. fall in love with these. very small minute repetitions and it's.

the only thing that i've ever really. found hard in my life and it definitely. sounds like i'm coming from a point of. privilege i feel like i've done a. disservice you probably expected a lot. more battle-hardened people i wish i. could say it was a tour of afghanistan. or working in a award during kovid or. you know saving someone's life but. i probably haven't i've probably done. liver king dirty a little bit there. those small disciplines you're talking. about though those small things where. you know we all have them every day it. could be as small as just going going to.

the gym avoiding eating something that's. tempting whatever those small. disciplines end up defining us over the. long term as one of my favorite books. the slight edge um describes. what is driving those small disciplines. on a day-to-day basis why are you doing. those small those small repetitions if. there is no instant gratification i. think. one thing it's difficult to credit. yourself with stuff but i've always been. very good at seeing long-term benefit. of short-term actions. and. you know. for me even little things i've got a. strange insight in life where so many.

people are focused on doing things now. for a better life later on when i'm. completely inverted i'm so focused on. having a good life now for my my life. isn't that stressful everyone's like oh. you should buy a house or buy 10 houses. and for me i'm like it'd be good. financially but it's stressful. and for me i know if i turn up into. these little things every day that. future life. future relationships future family can. benefit from it something that my. parents have definitely done. my dad commuted into london for 50 years. the same business every day it's about.

an hour and 25 minutes from where we. live there and back every day he never. pulled sick days he was never lazy my. mum was also incredibly consistent with. the upbringing of me and my sister and i. look back at the amount of sacrifice. that they made short little things like. putting up with my behavior or my dad. going to work on a train every day and i. think. he only really ever did these things. not for himself but for people that. didn't exist yet. almost like confidence is predicting. success in the future we can create. success in the future by doing these. small things so i think it's definitely.

stemmed from that where. it's not so much about me because i'm. happy now but if i keep doing these. things i can create happiness for people. further down the line we talk about. privilege as well like we could talk. about. any form of privilege whether it's. racial economic whatever. we need to take some ownership that the. reason someone like me can take an. experienced privilege now is the fact. that people before me were long-sighted. with their goals and ambitions and the. people before them were as well. my parents made very smart decisions for. me to be able to be able to go to.

australia at 27. that was a privilege. for some people they have family members. that. rely on them they have. professional if you're a police officer. you work in a hospital you don't have. the luxury of just leaving your precinct. to go on a jolly to the other side of. the world as the pt i did. so. yeah i think i do the small things now. so that in the long term in the future. someone else can reap the benefits that. i did of them i have to say well done. and thank you for writing a book on this. topic because it is a topic that so many. people i think.

i think i'm right in saying that. confidence is the single biggest topic. that i'm peppered with in terms of. questions people are trying to figure it. out because it is this great inhibitor. of all they believe they can be it is a. great inhibitor of so much happiness and. health and fulfillment and all of those. things so when i. it was also one of the things that i i. did consider writing a book about one. day but after reading your book. and and understanding how nuanced and. truthful and honest and. appreciative of both sides of the coin. it is i don't feel like i ever have to.

write a book of confidence again because. i think you really covered it so well. done thank you people are going to love. this book for sure thank you very much. and you know that as well i think. because i i'm. you know i asked that first question at. the start about why you wrote about. confidence assuming it was because of. the because the fact you also get. peppered in various ways even even as. you say with those pain points if. they're not saying it directly at the. heart of it they are trying to figure. out how to. how to to achieve their goals. ultimately by this word that they. believe is is confidence so well done. thank you thanks for coming back here i. love these conversations i do them over.

and over again just because half the. time i'm doing it just to try and. develop my own thinking um and it's also. a huge honor that you even listened to. this podcast i find that really awesome. because you're. incredibly smart person you're. incredibly nice guy and um those are the. kind of people that uh. i love. um spending time with so thanks james. hope to see you again soon if you'll. ever come back on of course and i hope. this book tour goes incredibly well. thank you very much. i am so excited to announce our new. sponsor for this podcast and that is. blue jeans by verizon for any of you.

that aren't already familiar with. bluejeans they are a video conferencing. and collaboration tool who offer an. immersive communication experience that. drives pretty unparalleled employee and. customer engagement experiences me and. all of my teams across all of my. portfolio companies switched over to. blue jeans a couple of months ago and we. have not looked back the best thing for. us has been the totally frictionless. experience no glitching no sound issues. no delays or any of those things that. usually make virtual meetings really. really frustrating we use blue jeans.

anywhere on any device at any time and. it's perfect for my small businesses. that just have 10 or 20 people to some. of my bigger businesses that have. hundreds of people i'm a big fan as you. can probably tell so i've been quite. excited for for some time to announce. this partnership and in the coming weeks. i'll explain the features and really why. it's perfect for you if you haven't. considered using or switching over to. blue jeans yet but if you can't wait. head over to bluejeans.com to learn more. honestly it's been one of the real sort. of game changers in my business. quick one it's so crazy that in the last.

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you.