Gabby Logan Opens Up About Her Heartbreaking Past | E191

you'd wake up just with those first. thoughts of the day would just oh God. I did have a. fear that I was gonna. [Music]. be one of the most recognizable. broadcasters she's become synonymous. with the Olympics football and rugby. I was very male dominated environment. and there certainly were people who. exhibited kind of machismo and there. were times where I felt like I was. trying to conform but it didn't make me. feel very good I wasn't happy.

my dad was an assistant manager of. Bradford City when the fire there took. 56 lives and we were all there at the. game that day. all day of my life really because there. is a before and there's an after and. that day is that day that really defined. not so many things for me can you still. remember that you get a phone call from. your mother about your brother it's a. day that I have relived so many times in. my mind I can't express how shocking.

that is because he was fine you know in. my mind immediately created a narrative. that he had been run over or he had been. in a car accident and then very quickly. my mum started to tell me actually what. had happened. before this episode begins I just want. to say a huge thank you to all of our. new subscribers 74 of you that watch. this channel didn't subscribe before and.

we're now down to about 71 so that helps. us in a number of ways that are quite. hard to explain but simply the bigger. the channel gets the bigger the guests. get so if you haven't yet subscribed to. the Diary of a CEO if I can have any. favors from you if you've ever watched. the show and enjoyed it it's just to. please hit the Subscribe button without. further Ado I'm Stephen Butler and this. is the Diary of a CEO I hope nobody's. listening but if you are then please. keep this yourself. [Music]. foreign.

[Music]. to understand you and to understand the. trajectory of your life and how you've. ended up to be where you are today and. the passions you pursued the person you. became what do I need to understand. about your earliest context. I hope I've gone into that in my book. and I've tried to understand that myself. and one of the biggest compliments. somebody has paid me who's read the book. is somebody I work with really closely.

and she just said to me I get so much. about you from some of the stories. you've told as as a child even and we. can all point to Big incidents that. happen in life but actually sometimes. it's just the small things that create. in your mind and urgency or they create. a desire or a passion that you know um. still Burns inside you and you wonder. where it came from. um so I think you probably would need to. understand a bit about the parenting. that I received and the context of our. family life and where when we moved.

around and how our lives were predicated. by my dad's job and what he did and the. background that he had as well he was a. professional football player he was a. professional football player so that. means potentially moving house moving. City at the drop of a hat this was in. the 70s and 80s the days where you could. be transferred midweek you know it. wasn't the transfer window that we have. now so he would often upsticks and move. on and then a few months later we'd. follow what does that what does that do.

to a child never really asked somebody. that question before when you're. constantly moving around as a kid is. there in hindsight any sort of character. change or psychological impact of for. better off or For Worse I think it has. uh there's a double-edged sword to it my. mum and it depends I guess on the other. person in the relationship my mum has. always been a very positive person so. she looked at these things for us as. Adventures you know she would say to me. and my siblings I'm going to move to. this place and it's going to be very. exciting and you've got to go to a new.

school and it's a chance to meet new. people and so her sense of adventure. gave us a confidence and a sense that. you know it was going to be okay so that. was great but then what I realized. writing the book was that it probably. made me a bit flighty when it came to. friends when I was younger and I look. back at I was writing about a really. close friend I had when I was 13. I've. got no idea where she is now and I think. because the next time I had to move on. somewhere and at that point I was. actually staying within Leeds but I. probably was moving schools I'd got used. to going bye-bye and kind of moving on.

to the next place so I was probably. experiencing a bit of self-preservation. you know not wanting to get too close. because we might be off soon so we'll. have a good time for now. were you a confident person when you. were you know let's say before your 18th. birthday would you describe yourself as. a confident person self-esteem and yeah. I would I think that is something that. as well that my husband and I talk about. this a lot the the greatest gift you can. give children is self-esteem I think and. he left school without self-esteem.

because he was dyslexic and left without. any qualifications and it is his big. passion that kids should always have the. star within them found before they leave. school whatever that is you know. somebody needs to tell you you are good. at something before you're on your way. and um I I feel like I was incredibly. lucky because I left school with really. good self-esteem and I had a childhood. that was that gave me good self-esteem. you know and I believed that I could. achieve things and I could I could get. on in life and I think a lot of that was.

my mum's positivity certainly but also. my dad's example of really hard work and. seeing him really graft and really. believe that you know what you put in. you got out and I think that's really. rewarding you know that is really that. makes you feel so good when you work. hard and that's the example that he he. said to us and I think that all creates. a confidence because and when I say. confidence is not misplaced in the sense. that you think everything you do is. going to be brilliant because you really. need to know that you're going to fail. at things obviously and that things are.

going to go wrong and I could see that. with with both of them but I think a. belief that if it does go wrong it's. okay because you can move on so I feel. one of the biggest blessings I had as a. child was leaving school with confidence. thinking then about you saying your dad. it's still hard work. um kind of into by example I guess. because he was clearly someone that was. incredibly focused and. um focused on his career. it made me made me think about how we. often.

don't get to learn how to take care of. ourselves from our parents in terms of. we learn how to to work hard and strive. but the sort of counterbalance to that. would be learning how to slow down and. learning how to. um make sure you're okay and I think. specifically when I talk to people when. you know on this show when they talk. about their fathers and their and the. generations that I've come before. there's often little understanding of. mental health or. um burnout or balance or all of these. kinds of things did you did you see the.

symptoms of. that in your father did you see a lack. of sort of self-preservation or. self-care absolutely. um he. he came from a generation of men he came. from a well first let's go back he came. from a really tough working class estate. in Cardiff he was 15 years old when he. was plucked out of that and given an. opportunity to go to Leeds United and be. a footballer 15 years old he'd left his. home and he was living in digs with a.

with a family who kind of put. footballers up and he was you know that. was a way out for him his dad had been a. Docker and he'd owned working Men's. Clubs and when I say owned he'd kind of. run a working man's club his mum had. four or five different jobs she was. doing night shift cleaning and he had. siblings who left school without. qualifications and did working class. Blue Collar jobs and so this was a big. opportunity and this wasn't the day. these weren't the days when the Premier. League was in existence but this was. still a you know a glamorous route. potentially and also a financially.

secure as secure as she can be being a. sports person way out of the life that. he had and so that was an enormous. responsibility I think for him and he. this was a very a renowned hard odd kind. of team lead United was this team that. you know these players would renounced. being very hard on the pitch they were. you know kind of very brutal the way the. style of play and he's in that. environment as this little boy you know. I look at my son now who's 17 and I. think about what he would have been like. at 15 moving a few hundred miles away. from home and so already you're in you.

know at that age you're having to build. up defenses and then he was you know. totally wasn't good enough and you know. had to keep working harder and and. eventually played there for 10 years and. was an international Captain for his. country so he did achieve incredible. things in his career but never stopped. you know it was relentless being a. footballer is Relentless being a sports. person is Relentless you're never going. to achieve Perfection you're always. looking for it so how do you feel. satisfied you know when do you actually. sit down and go that was really good and.

I suppose there was a sense of him. always wanting you know keep going keep. going and then when you turn to. management which he did straight away. without a break and then he went through. he huge huge tragedy he was the. assistant manager of Bradford City when. the fire there took 56 lives and we were. all there at the game that day and he. went to almost every funeral in the. space of six weeks after that you know. he did all of this and never sat down. with anybody and took stock or had a.

counselor or took a break from you know. from that relentlessness and so I think. I understand him a lot better now. through looking at his life through that. prism almost of seeing that and you. understand you know I talk in the book. about him drinking too much and using. that to self-medicate through his life. and to the point where it became you. know it's been a problem and he's been. hospitalized but of course now if he was. that Sports person now they'll be a. sports psychologist at the club you know. there'd be somebody saying let's have a.

chat let's talk about what's what's. going on why you're feeling these these. levels of anxiety so. um it's it's definitely something that. I'm much better at and um but I think. that's also a product of the age that we. live in that we're all so much more. aware of the need to stop and the need. to process. when you when you look at his life. you've described a few of them there but. what what in hindsight now what are the. needs that you think were unmet in his. life and I asked that question because. I'm.

I'm wondering how one avoids such an. outcome you talked about the importance. of connection not going home to a bunch. of strangers being closer to your family. are there any needs that you think went. unmet that you are making sure that your. son's life and your life are um full of. he was very my dad was always a very. emotional person so I don't feel like he. kept his emotions locked up you know he. would in front of us he was he would cry. you know he would watch something on TV. um a usually sport that would make him. teary so it wasn't as if he was this.

hard person who didn't tell you he loved. you he told us he loved us but I feel. like as a professional in his job I feel. like it was it was probably very hard. for him to show any weakness outside of. the home and show any and when I say. weakness such a pejorative term because. actually it's not a weakness to say I. think I could be better if I just had. this bit of time here or I could speak. to somebody or I could you know. communicate better about how I'm feeling. about this and we are talking about a.

very different era and um when it was. that it's not manly you know it's not. it's not manly to behave in that way and. we just wouldn't hear those terms now. even though some people still Harbor. those feelings perhaps they wouldn't say. that in public so I think if he had had. and he did have the opportunity when my. brother died and after Bradford to talk. to people but he resisted that you know. he didn't want to sit down and speak to. a counselor and I think that was. probably because of the historic kind of.

experiences that he'd had you know it. just wasn't something that he felt. talking to people outside of the home he. was not comfortable it's that easy to to. teach to your kids that idea of sort of. expressing yourself and. turning to others for support. emotionally is it is it something that. you think about when you when you're. raising your children yeah we talk about. specifically we talk about it a lot and. we hope we lead by example as parents. but I'm more mindful of it with my son. because of the male kind of resistance.

almost to to have that um open dialogue. but he is a very much a kind of he let's. wears his heartlessly likes to tell you. stuff and I think that's probably. because his dad is very much like that. so he sees his father being like that. and feels confident that he can he can. do that and I think once you do that as. a child and you realize the reception is. good and you're not going to be judged. or anybody think any less of you you're. more likely to come back and and do it. again so I think it is a lot about the. home and you know having the example of.

somebody doing that in front of you is. really powerful and you're never with. your kids it's never a finished job. where you feel like oh yeah he's. somebody but I really do feel like he. knows he can talk to us about anything. and you can talk to other people and he. does you know bring his anxieties and. troubles home I think the key thing I'm. I find as a parent that you have to. remember especially when they kind of. turn 13 that age sometimes those things. to you seem quite trivial and you think. why are you bothering about that and.

then you've got to remember what it's. like to be 13 and 14 and how huge those. things are and how big they were for you. and not just go that really doesn't. matter you know and actually it's really. important that you don't minimalize. their issues and their problems it's. okay for you because you've been through. so many different things and you know. it's going to be all right but they. don't know that right now so it's. important I think to to just always try. and take yourself back to that teenager. you've been through so many things and.

many of those things I mean so many of. those things are in this book the first. half one of the most uh heart-wrenching. stories you tell us when you were 19. years old and you get a phone call from. your mother about your brother. Daniel. can you still remember that day clearly. oh absolutely and when I wrote that. chapter which turned out to be the first. chapter in the book because it was I. wrote it because I wanted to practice. writing to get myself into the rhythm of.

writing the book not knowing where that. chapter would be and when I wrote it I. realized it had to be the start of the. book because it was the seminal day of. my life really because there is a before. and there's an after and that day is. that day that really defined so many. things for me and when I sat down to. write I took myself kind of right back. into that day I could I could almost. smell the air you know because it was a. bank holiday Monday I was living in a. small flat in earlsfield in London and. everybody's windows were open because it. was a lovely day and people were.

barbecuing in their little Gardens and I. could smell the coals and I could feel. the the air coming through the windows. almost and I was just taken right back. into that moment the light everything. that came through the window when I sat. on the bed I can see the duvet cover I. can you know I really was it was very. visceral when I when I was there uh. writing. um probably because it's a day that I. have relived so many times in my mind. your mum calls you and says from what I. read in the book she's very to the point.

about what's happened she says Daniel is. dead. she. called me and the phone rang and I sat. on the bed and said hello in the kind of. you know normal cheery way and she said. Daniel's dead and that was you know I. can't express how shocking that is. because you he was fine you know so. there was nothing wrong with Daniel he. wasn't ill he'd never been ill you know. he'd never had anything wrong with him. so it was so just mind-blowing to hear.

you know I I my in my mind immediately. created a narrative that he had been run. over or he had been in a car accident I. decided quickly that he was in a car. because he was 16 nearly he was 15 going. on 16. maybe one of the older boys that. he knew had just passed his test maybe. he'd been taken and I had him driving. down this road that I knew in Leeds and. this is where it happened and and then. very quickly my mom started to tell me. actually what had happened that was not. what happened at all he'd he collapsed. in the garden he was playing football.

um with my dad and my little brother and. my little brother was six sure Jordan. and he'd just gone over to get football. and he collapsed and died and that was. it that was like that was as much as my. mum knew at that point because by this. point she'd been to hospital and she had. um already kind of got home which sounds. really bizarre saying that in 2022. because now we would have been on the. phone the minute he collapsed you know. she would have rung me and said but they.

didn't have mobile phones and or if they. had a mobile phone it was very you know. basic I don't even know if they had a. car phone and so the immediate thing was. to get him to hospital and to get an. ambulance and so to not include. everybody in that process so I was in. London she was in Leeds and then they. were at the hospital and then they came. home and it was hours later that I found. out which again seemed strange you know. that I I didn't know that this was all. happening I wasn't being given a. blow-by-blow account of of what was. happening so I all I had was at that.

point her information which was very. scant that. something had happened to his heart his. heart just stopped and the Doctor Who. was at a e or the emergency section of. the hospital when they arrived happened. to be the Doctor Who give him birth to. me who to help my mum deliver me and he. was the old lead United doctor and. so he'd known the family for a very long. time it was a complete coincidence he. was doing a shift on a bank holiday and. he just walked out of theater an hour.

after my brother had gone in and you. know shook his head and and it's that. kind of nightmare nightmare scenario for. any any family any parent that you know. they just didn't they believed he was. going into hospital because he got a. heat stroke or something and they you. know in their heads they created what it. was a hot day he must have been. dehydrated they did not expect that as. the outcome and my mum had phoned her. mum who lived in Leeds and and so a. couple of the family members were at the. hospital which was also strange you know.

that they would be there and so it was a. a completely. just it sounded fanciful to me I. couldn't I couldn't get my head around. the idea that this very fit young man. would just collapse and I I want you. know I wanted to immediately wanted to. know kind of more but there was nothing. you know and that's a really frustrating. and and there was no internet to go and. go okay what how could how can a young. person die you know how does this happen. and we now know of course so much more. about um cardiac arrest and the young. and there's a you know.

uh hypertrophic cardiomyopathy is what. he was diagnosed with and that means. basically the heart just stops without. warning and we've seen very famous. incidents in in football. um Christian Eriksen the Danish. footballer at the last Euros collapsed. on the pitch and his life was saved. because he was in the perfect place for. that to happen there was medical. resource around you know people knew. what they were doing and Daniel was in. the garden you know there was nothing. there so he was he was never going to. survive that but if you you know if you.

he'd been somewhere where there was a. defibrillator or he was in a hospital. when it happened you know he may well. have survived but at the time obviously. we just couldn't get our heads around it. I read in the book that the neighbor. tried to resuscitate him so we had a. neighbor who was a he'd worked on oil. rigs offshore and he had paramedic. qualifications he wasn't actually a. paramedic but he'd done some quality so. my mum thought oh Morris next door he'll. know what to do and my mom was when she. was telling me like later and then you.

years later when we discussed it she was. she said she was so relaxed about it. because. because he wasn't to her he wasn't dead. he just collapsed and you know nobody. could think of him as being an unfit. person so she wasn't relaxed and said. she wasn't urgent but she just thought. Morris will sort this out you know. Morris came around and he couldn't get. him back he couldn't get his heart going. and but they still didn't use the word I. don't think they said his heart stopped. because nobody wants to say that to her. parent so Morris obviously put him in. the in the ambulance I think knowing. that his heart stopped but my parents.

didn't know his heart stopped they. thought he was collapsed or he was in. some kind of like you know heat induced. coma or something had happened to him. that that meant he just wasn't. responsive I think that was they thought. he wasn't responsive as opposed to he. was actually dead and then my dad said. that my dad went with him in the. ambulance and my dad said at one point. the ambulance went round and bend really. quickly and his arm flew out and landed. in my dad's lap and my dad said that. when the arm when his arm landed that's. when he knew he was dead because he said. he just felt that there was no life.

there was nothing that showed any. response and. so his his Hope was. crushed. you you look at your life as before and. after that moment. what was life like after that moment. the immediate aftermath like the weeks. after something. that is is a strange mix of. um activity and energy you know because.

you're. organizing funerals people are kind of. coming hundreds of people descending on. the house constantly people coming and. and actually there was a kind of. um an energy in the house that it just. kept you you just kept going and doing. things my mom didn't she very much. stopped and she went into almost a kind. of after the funeral she was almost. catatonic and just kind of almost sat. and did nothing for about a month but I. think I was the eldest child my sister. at the time was modeling in Japan she'd. flown home for the funeral but then went.

off quite quickly afterwards my Dad. decided to go on tour with Wales who was. managing so I decided my life in London. was over and I was going to stay home. and try and help and my mum had a. fledgling property business so I was. kind of running around doing errands for. her and trying to kind of like keep this. energy going that we'd experienced. during the week leading up to the. funeral and then suddenly it all starts. to quieten down and people stopped. coming round people stopped bringing. food around people stopped ringing to. see if you're okay and and then this.

kind of quietness descends on on the. house and the home and the and everybody. in it and and that's when you really. start facing grief because grief. um I didn't have room to come in you. know in those first few weeks there was. no there was no space for it it was all. about energy and activity and trying to. do your best for everybody and then the. reality you know just on a daily basis. of. kind of I mean every day even when the. energy was there you'd wake up just with. those first thoughts of the day would.

just oh God. you know it really is it's happened it's. real it's not it's not a dream and. getting yourself mobilized but then. after the energy left those oh God this. is real those feelings have just despair. and kind of sadness. it just took longer to get yourself. going and you know you do feel kind of. just sometimes or you did feel. immobilized with that sadness and. um as a family it just kind of pushes. everybody off into kind of different. Corners if you like it you know it's.

like a sledgehammer coming down and just. shattering something that had been a. very tight unit so. um. it then takes a long long time I think. for things to get back to any kind of. normalcy or what you can now call your. new normal. are there certain days or certain. memories of when things were. hardest for the family do you have like. um I was speaking here yesterday to um. Whitney from who's the founding CEO of. Bumble and she went through her own.

version of grief sort of more it's a. Professional Grief that she she refers. to and she says there's kind there was. kind of a day there was a day when I. remember it being the hardest day in. that period and that that represented. the bottom and from there on it was the. kind of sort of the climb out of that. moment did was there a bottom moment for. you was there a day where you think that. was the hardest day of all. I don't remember there being one day in. particular because even years afterwards. you know a few years afterwards I could.

find myself. sobbing you know over something that had. seen or I'd read or when I started. working in Telly I remember I used to be. obsessed when I started working in. football with the dates of players. births because they would be his age and. I knew that he might be playing in that. match or he could have you know and so. there would be something that would just. kind of throw me or I wouldn't I wasn't. necessarily looking for it but then it. would just occur to me that they were. the same age and you do that thing where.

you wonder well first of all would he be. playing in this match what kind of play. would he have been I wonder if he'd have. had a girlfriend by now I wonder if he'd. have met somebody he wanted to marry oh. now I wonder if he'd have children you. know and you do that through the life of. the person that you know. is no longer with you because you want. to keep their you know kind of their. memory life but also I think. um you wonder then if everything would. have been different in the family. because ultimately my parents divorced. and my dad. was using alcohol to you know to.

medicate himself and you know it's a lot. to put on Daniel's shoulders but you. think would if he hadn't died would. would we all still be together would. this you know with the family unit have. survived and so there are those days you. know where just years later you could be. flawed so I don't think there was one. day but what happens is you start to. notice oh a few weeks have gone by now. and life's been quite good and I've been. able to find joy in things and. um I've done something and not thought. but would it have been better if Daniel. had been here and you go through all.

those anniversaries you know so the. first year of the first Christmas the. first birthdays all of those things. that's that's the you know getting. through those anniversaries is always. tough for anybody who loses any anybody. of significance in their lives. um but with him it was things like the. 16th birthday the 18th birthday the 20. you know there's all these big kind of. landmark occasions and and then you have. your own children and you start to look. at his life differently because when he. when my son got to 15 it was nearly 16.

my kid's birthday is only a few days. away from his birthday I realized when. my son turned 16. I realized that I'd been worried about. him not being 16. because. because Daniel never got there so I you. know I did. I did have a fear that I was going to. repeat history.

we never we never taught how to grieve. nobody ever teaches us that and I and. it's. is. it's a shame because it going through. your life and not experiencing grief in. some form is. would be. it's almost impossible to do that and I. think sometimes I I worry about grief. because you haven't had enough because I. haven't had enough. and I also have this sort of impending.

feeling that it's coming but. when you look back at that moment. um post Daniel's passing. what do you think what advice would you. give to someone on how to properly. grieve. um in hindsight with your wisdom now. about that situation and how it. transpired and how it stayed with you is. there anything you can say about how how. one Grieves properly it's such a. personal thing grief isn't it because it. depends on your relation your own.

relationship with death you know what. what you feel about mortality how you. feel about that person obviously is. hugely significant also what they did in. their life you know I find myself I've. had lots of relatives I think four. who've lived to be a hundred four or. five so I've been to funerals of people. at 105 and that was a joyous life you. know and that was a great celebration so. I think it always depends on all those. factors those relationships I think the.

one thing that I would say from our. experience with Daniel which was a life. cut very short and very sudden I think. it's and it doesn't matter if it isn't. sudden and I've wrestled with that as. well we all did about Daniel like would. it have been better if we'd known what. if he'd been ill and we had time to to. get our heads around it would have made. any difference and there's no right or. wrong way you know to lose a child there. is no easy way to lose a child but I. think counseling and talking to people. is really really helpful for me I found. having somebody to process what was.

going on was really helpful and finding. Kindred Spirits as well you know people. who've been through similar experiences. and you find them. without wanting to sound kind of too. kind of woo-woo spiritual but I think. those people come come into your life as. well at the time that you need them and. then you've you've got to be open to. them being there but when I met my. husband that was something we. immediately connected on because he lost. a cousin who was like a brother to him. who was um he was in his 30s but had two.

small children and my my husband was. only 19 when that happened and. um that you know that was a tragic. accident and again a sudden death and. that devastated his his young world and. I think if you. have people in your world who you know. you can talk to like that I think it's. really really helpful. I was when you were talking about the. week after Daniel's passing and the. energy in the house and how it almost. hadn't set in because you had this.

almost distraction there was things to. do there was other things to keep the. brain on so many of us I mean we. distract ourselves after moments of. trauma and grief in a number of. different ways but distraction. um doesn't solve the problem does it. just kind of kicks the can down the road. yeah and I think although. um I did. experience after that immediate kind of. Rush of energy there was a silence for. you know time for sadness to come in I. did default back into that kind of. frenetic energy when I went to. University which was only a few months. later I became the queen of joining in.

you know so I would join every club that. I could I was in the drama Society the. Union society I would you know can I. join this netball team can I do this can. I do that can I've got my degree I'm. going to get a job you know I was. working at weekends I I filled every. hour and I love being busy but there was. definitely a sense of running away from. from what was going on I think in the. background of my life. on top of that sort of you know. workaholism. um. how did Daniel's passing change your.

perspective of Life generally and you. know one I'll be honest when I read. um about the passing of Daniel there was. this real moment of pause when I was. reading there alone there was this. moment of pause at the prospect that he. was. half my age and he suddenly his suddenly. his heart stopped and it made me think. honestly when I was really my brain went. so anyone's heart can stop at any time. they can be perfectly healthy they can. be an athlete and their heart can just.

stop at any time and you sit there like. feeling my own heart and I'm wearing. this band though where I've been wearing. for the last couple of weeks checking. your heartbeat she tells me everything. about my heart and this morning it's. funny because it said my heart my H my. heart variability scores like way way. down typically means you've been doing. something stressful or exerting yourself. too much and I as I saw it was like. there was like a five minute difference. between This Heart warning that's. flashing on my band and reading that in. the book yeah how did how did the. fragility of life.

um. and your experience of the fragility of. life change your perspective on life. itself. I think two things one and it took me a. while to correct this I In My Head. Thought although I was busy getting you. know getting busy and doing things and. doing my degree and everything else. there was part of me that thought okay. now terrible things can happen at any. time so my so tomorrow another terrible. thing could happen and I was almost. waiting for that next thing because if. if he can die and he's that healthy.

looking and he'd never complained about. any chest pains he was an athlete like a. proper athlete you know he just he could. run and run and run if he can die like. that well terrible things can happen all. the time but I didn't Express this but. it was my kind of there was a feeling. inside me that that was possible so so. there was that that part of the kind of. the process you know was going on inside. me even though I was busy I was. expecting a terrible thing and I had. this therapist a few years later who she. just looked at me one day and she. because I was obviously manifesting this.

or talking about it again and she said. your things happened. and now then she and um that was such a. power thing to say because although. another thing can happen of course. you know it just it stopped me it kind. of really stopped me in my tracks and I. thought I've got to reframe this and. stop thinking or stop believing that. something else is coming down the tracks. that I'm gonna have to deal with and I'm. not a natural Warrior so to be in that. kind of state so it wasn't worry you. know it wasn't me sitting there thinking. oh I'm not gonna cross the road because.

the car's gonna come it wasn't about. taking risks it was just a self-defense. mechanism ready for it I'm ready for it. something's gonna happen and I'm I'm. ready I can see you know and so it. wasn't I wanted to stop my life so I. didn't I didn't get hurt or you know. people I loved didn't get hurt but I. wanted to be ready next time because I. wasn't ready the last time what's this. what are the symptoms of that of kind of. expecting a terrible thing to happen. yeah what are the symptoms so not not. not hanging at the time I was single and. I was definitely not attracting the.

right people into my life you know and I. was I was not going out with people who. were enhancing me as a person or my life. because why would I want to have any. kind of long-term commitment with. anybody who'd treat me well or be nice. to me because I was you know I wasn't. going to commit to something so I may as. well be with somebody who wasn't that. nice to me who didn't make me feel good. about myself because because it was all. it was all very you know transient so. um I wasn't I wasn't giving. um I wasn't giving myself any kind of.

chance of of that happening because of. my kind of charging through you know and. um and actually okay if you're horrible. to me that's fine I've dealt with this I. can you know but that's not really good. for your kind of deep self-esteem you. know we talk about earlier you talked. about how I had good self-esteem leaving. leaving school and feeling good about. myself. um but that wasn't that wasn't very. um productive in terms of you know good. self-esteem so I suppose that's that's.

how it kind of manifested itself and. again there's that commitment thing to. to you know to people and things and. I suppose a feeling that um I was losing. empathy and that's really important. thing to to hang on to and. um and while I wouldn't have expressed. it as losing empathy at the time it was. losing patience you know kind of oh. that's that's so trivial but it's not. trivial to that person and having an. understanding of that is really. important and actually using what you've.

learned about loss and grief in a more. positive way and not such a destructive. way. age 19 Metro FM that's your sort of. first step into uh. broadcasting yeah very few people in. this in this world will ever reach the. heights that you've reached in. broadcasting but so many of them would. want to I've met many many young people. that want to to get to where you are in. your career. um there's not a lot of seats at the. table at the very top.

um so I'm trying to understand in. hindsight how you got to that table. and I know nobody ever likes asking me. answering these questions because at. some point you're gonna have to. compliment yourself to some degree. you're gonna have to highlight something. that's a good characteristic in yourself. and people don't people feel. uncomfortable with but with doing that. for some reason but. um because we're not American yeah yeah. oh my God Americans if I ask them that. question not only do they they tell me. but they the story sounds amazing it's. so like chance and they're a hero in the.

story. everyone else British people they're. like well you know ask someone else yeah. well how often do you say the word I was. very lucky because I was very lucky and. we shrouded in this this luck you know. luck happened to us and and there is. always an element of timing with things. isn't there and I I got my break at. Metro through meeting a guy at a New. Year's Eve party the the winter before I. went to University and I said to him I. really want to work in broadcasting and. he ran a radio station and he said when. you come to Durham which was nine months.

later make sure you come and see me and. I'll give you some work experience and. I'd already done work experience on. radio stations and newspapers so so I. thought of that so I waited about 10. minutes after arriving in Durham and I. went to a phone box because we didn't. have mobiles and filled it with my. Temperance pieces and had to wait for. the receptionist to put me through and I. remember standing in the rain in Durham. kind of waiting for him and he said oh. hello because he was quite surprised. first of all I was calling before. freshers week it even started but. secondly he was probably going hang on a. minute where did I meet you what and he.

said okay come and see me you know next. week or the week after and we'll have a. chat about what it is you want to do and. that was it that was my kind of the. person I could just cling on to and get. into somewhere that was a professional. outfit wasn't student radio this was a. commercial radio station with real. people living real lives you know and. and with mortgages so their work was. important and. um I got there and he he gave me a. chance he trained me up for about four. or five months and then by the Christmas. of my first term I got my first paid.

shift on the radio station and that was. the start. eventually you've got the breakfast show. right when I graduated when you. graduated soon you must have been at. Metro for what three to four years by. the time so I was three years yeah three. years. even at that early stage in your. broadcasting career. what were you because we all know what. we're good at Often by like comparison. of peers this is like where comparisons. and can sometimes be quite helpful did. you have an indication of what you were. good at as a broadcaster versus your. peers what was your USP.

um I wasn't necessarily comparing myself. to anybody else but what I felt I was. getting good at when I was doing the. breakfast show was being responsive and. being able to ad-lib situations and find. the funny or find the quirking because. on a breakfast show you know you're kind. of you're you're riffing backwards and. forwards with your co-host you're. responding to the day's news you're. talking about things that are going on. in people's lives and I realized that I. I could do that quite well without. feeling. self-conscious about what I was saying. you know I was I was able to to kind of.

match my co-host quite well on those. things who's had a lot more experience. than me. um the other stuff there's a lot of. stuff that you can learn to be good at. you know you can learn to read the news. Well which I initially started out doing. the news and you can learn to um edit a. story because I was technically having. to do you know those kinds of things but. I think that was something that was a. little bit more ethereal and difficult. to nebulous and difficult to kind of you. know hone and train somebody to do so I. I felt like that was something that I. wanted to expand on and that was.

something that I could. certainly take forwards as a quality you. know and it certainly is something that. is good in live broadcasting to be able. to think on your feet and be you know. able to turn a story into something else. and talk to somebody on the spot who's. just walked on to set you know all and. fill five minutes of time all those. things that live broadcasting needs you. know those qualities that it needs and. then eventually Sky call and you end up. going to work for Sky Sports yeah at 25. years old I was younger than that yeah.

because that was a year after I joined. Metro which I would have been 22 so 23. so I was 23 when I joined Sky Sports so. my dream had been to work in London I. wanted to leave you know the Northeast. and find a job in London so when Sky. Sports saw me doing touchline interviews. at St James's park because by this point. I got a Saturday job because the boss at. the stage you could see I loved sport. and he was like why don't you do. touchline interviews at St James's park. for us um on a Saturday then Skye had. seen me on the touchline and decided.

that they needed more women in front of. camera and asked me if I'd be interested. in going down for a screen test so I had. basically a month where my life just. turned because I had this sliding doors. moment where I made the call straight. away and as you've discovered with the. call to jars I wasn't shy of picking up. the phone and making the call I made the. call the next morning to the person I've. been told to phone and then within a. couple of days I was on a flight to. London to go and see the the boss at Sky. and do the screen test and then within a. few hours I think of getting home that.

night I got a phone call. asking me if I'd go and work there and. negotiating a package to go and work. there so it was a really really exciting. kind of period of my life that I you. know hadn't really planned I didn't know. how I was going to get to London I was I. was looking for. um adverts in kind of uh broadcast and. various places you know trying to find. something that could get me there and I. rang up an agency a talent agency I. looked at people whose careers I liked. and thought Oh I wonder who they're. managed by I'll ring them and they were.

very sweet and said oh well dude come. back to us when you've got some. experience because I had no experience I. had this little TV job in the Northeast. and I just didn't know how I was gonna. get there but I knew I had to for things. to progress. for anyone that's listening to this that. has big dreams of you know going into. certain industries especially Industries. where there's seems to be quite. um at the very top it seems to be quite. a small table when you look back at your. own journey and the decisions you made. the Small Things in hindsight the. moments of sort of serendipity.

um what advice would you give to someone. who is trying to get somewhere High. we're at the very top of that tree is a. is quite a small table what are the. things that you did right maybe. accidentally or intentionally. I think what I did through University. and that could be could have been Post. University I worked so hard to I did. shifts that were very unsociable I was. doing three o'clock four o'clock in the. morning get UPS to go and do new shifts. and I did late night love shows I did. all the kind of things that you know are.

the unglamorous end of that job because. I was being offered the shift and I took. them and I had to juggle that with my. law degree but I I innately felt that it. was almost like I was doing an. apprenticeship in what I wanted to do at. the same time and as well as earning me. you know some cash as a student is. always handy but I was getting this. experience and the hours and hours and. hours of doing that meant that when I. did get the opportunity at Sky and I I. was felt confident about picking the. phone up because I knew I'd had all.

these hours I wasn't just somebody who'd. done a few shows and you know even if I. just had the one year working there at. post-grad I don't think I would have. felt as confident but I knew I'd put. those those hours in and I felt I wasn't. going to be. um I mean we've all got an element of. imposter syndrome but I didn't feel I. was going to be out of place because I. knew I'd had all that that experience. those hours so I think you've got to. you've got to put the groundwork in you. know and not expect things to happen too. quickly in the sense of you know don't.

don't over Force those those things that. you'll feel the times right you know you. feel like okay I knew I was ready to. move on about around that time but in. that year of post working full-time it. wasn't towards the end until towards the. end that I really felt I was ready I. knew that all that stuff I was doing was. really important in building the the you. know the building blocks of your of your. career so I think it's really important. to to put those foundations down and. you'll always benefit from that you know. it's never a waste of time taking an.

opportunity from somebody saying yes to. something I said yes to things I talk. about them in the book that I was. nowhere near in that year that I was. working in uh local radio I didn't know. how to do it but I said yes to stuff. because I knew it was going to give me. experience and and then obviously when. you find yourself somewhere like Sky. which is I was at the very much at the. bottom of the wrong you know the ladder. and I was learning again I was starting. to I knew a whole new set of experiences. then you have to have that um hopefully. I had a little bit of kind of humility. and such okay I need to learn I don't.

know what I'm doing here and and then. people will you'll find people who will. be your teacher in that environment so I. think it's really important to I always. like say to my kids about you know it's. the expression your mum would have said. to you kind of like you know don't run. before you can walk right and um and it. sounds really boring because everybody. wants to run everybody wants to get. there quicker and and you can get there. quickly but you've just got to put some. hours in first and I think you'll stay. there longer this episode is brought to. you by Mercedes-Benz who recently got in.

touch to support the Diary of a CEO. thank you I'm a huge fan of their cars. in fact I have one of my own which is. like an office on Wheels and they have. an exciting wide range of cars that I'd. love to tell you about the Mercedes EQ. is the luxury electric range of. Mercedes-Benz and it is available across. many models from the SUVs to the saloons. meaning they're ideal for all business. needs the Innovative Next Generation. technology found in all Mercedes EQ cars. is really Paving the way for the. electric car industry to make your. electric car switch so much easier are.

Mercedes-Benz has a service called. Mercedes me charge it's a subscription. which provides you with access to a wide. network of charging stations across the. entirety of the UK the app shows you the. precise location and current. availability and price at the selected. charging station of your choice and this. enables businesses to effectively plan. their route ahead of their Journey you. can search Mercedes-Benz Fleet today to. discover how the Mercedes EQ car range. can help your business get ahead and if. you already drive a Mercedes EQ let me. know how you find it. quick one from our longest standing.

sponsor hero I I can't tell you over the. last I'd say over the last really it's. been about two and a half years it was. really um post pandemic how much my. health has become such a huge priority. in my life and I have this laser laser. focused on what I'm putting into my body. it's funny because as you get older you. can start to feel the things you're. putting into your body more and more and. more. um and if I if I put something into my. body especially things like gluten if I. put those things in my body I feel them. tremendously the next day my energy. levels my sleep and everything in. between huel has been probably the most.

important partner in my health Journey. because. I've been in the boardrooms I've been to. their offices. tens and tens and tens and tens of times. I've seen how they make their decisions. on nutrition and I trust it most of my. team that are in this room with me. consume it and get the benefits of it. too so if you haven't already tried your. do so. your next period of life was at Sky. um. which was as you write about it in the. book a very sort of male. dominated egotistical environment.

how did that. shape you how did that impact you go. walking into Sky back in those days I. mean everybody in football was a man. right you say in the book I think you. say 90 of the like people behind the. camera were men. um it was a very male dominated. environment and it was obviously very. early in the infancy of sky sky was only. a few years old at that point the. Premier League was only a few years old. so a lot of Sky's early recruits if you. like were from Fleet Street the. hard-nosed journalists who kind of done.

you know pounded the shifts and gone. kind of you know to all the matches over. the years and from and again a very. male-dominated environment but it was. tough and I've talked to a lot recently. to people about the 90s not to do in my. book but just about how it was there was. this thing happening in the 90s that you. you've kind of went along with a bit and. actually I don't really feel comfortable. with I'm not a ladder you know I'm not. there was this ladder culture and there. was a drinking culture and. um it was all about the music of the.

time and everything else and I think. football was in this Center of all of. this as well because of the the newness. of sky and the newness of the Premier. League. um and it would have been easy I think. to to lose yourself in that and there. were times where I felt like I was. trying to conform and you know be the. person that you know was able to banter. with the lads and have that kind of you. know ripping and all of that but it. didn't make me feel very good you know I. didn't really like that person so.

um I was I wasn't completely at ease. with myself I would say there you wrote. In the book that you didn't like. yourself very much during that period I. didn't like myself very much but I. always seem to forget that the next time. I was drinking the anger disappointment. and self-doubt that such destructive. Behavior brings was coming home to roost. yeah I think um I wasn't very healthy. I'd gone from being somebody who had run. half marathons when I was in Newcastle a.

really brilliant diet to suddenly I was. doing late shifts eating badly drinking. more alcohol than I'd ever drunk when I. was at University you know I wasn't. massive Drinker and suddenly it was a. bar culture you know it was kind of. after a shift to go for a drink shifts. would finish at 10 you shouldn't start. drinking at 10. you know it's not a good. time of day to start drinking weekends I. knew nobody when I first arrived in in. London so it was. um you know what what's what's everybody. doing how do I get social life you know.

where do I go what my you know so you'd. be invited somewhere that would involve. being in a bar or being involved in a. club and. um and so I yeah I was slipping into. kind of bad habits and um I think. there's part of me feeling like though. although this this is what it is to be. an adult you know is this how I you know. is this how I behave now. um and I was there was a good 18 months. really where I was putting on weight. didn't feel good about myself at all and. then that it becomes a self-filling. prophecy almost you know and you kind of.

go oh well I've I'll put on weight now I. may as well just carry on eating the. Magnums I may as well carry on eating. the um you know drinking the Chardonnay. and. um I wasn't yeah I was I wasn't happy. you know I didn't enjoy that but um but. it just it kind of became a habit I. guess you know. in the talk about the 90s it's quite. hard for us for someone like myself to. imagine the culture. in an office and in a working. environment at that time when I was. reading some of the.

um the quotes from the book about how. you would walk through the office and. someone would shout at you about who. which football player you've been. sleeping with or someone comes up to in. the office and makes a comment about. your ass until he tells you that it's. going to drop by the time you're 30. those things seem quite Unthinkable in. the modern I know especially somebody of. your age and when I told my daughter. who's 17 she's just you know it defies. belief for her and yet when I speak to. people my age they reminisce almost. about I spoke to an actress the other.

day who's same age as me and she was. talking about things that people would. say in auditions even and you know. um and I think it's. it's really positive that you think that. is so Unthinkable you know because that. means things have changed and I think. it's um amazing actually kind of that. for me it doesn't seem that long ago but. actually you know it's a few decades ago. and Society has changed our expectation. of each other has changed our. expectation of how we're to be treated. in the workplace has changed and that.

comes through representation as as well. because those offices were very male. dominated and I think they were very. there were probably a lot of men in. there that weren't comfortable with that. but they didn't feel they could speak up. because of that culture that was there. and that's not healthy for any business. or any environment you know I always. quote um I made a documentary on women. in football and I remember Karen Brady. saying to me that who is the CEO of West. Ham and her saying to me I never invest. my own money in a company that doesn't.

have a woman on the board this was about. 14 years ago 13 years ago I made this. documentary and she said not because I. think that's gonna you know that I'm. trying to make a point but I know that. that board is going to be more. representative in terms of how it views. its business how it views its future and. its budgets and everything else that is. plans for the business so I always. remember that because when I look at. that office I think well how could this. how could that environment ever really. have different voices and different. opinions and because the big loud ones. the big loud kind of more misogynistic. ones were dominating everybody else and. and people didn't feel they could speak.

up you know and didn't feel they could. they could talk and it didn't look like. Society it didn't look like a football. Terrace or it didn't look like um or how. we perceive a football Terrace to look. now which is people from different. ethnicities and people from different. backgrounds and different um sexual. orientation all those different things. that um that that office didn't. represent and that office was as I say. Not Unusual that would have been across. many Industries how things looked so I. think it's it's really important that we. have now more representation diversity.

in everything that we do because of that. but um at the time that was really. normal. so you know that wasn't. um I didn't feel like I was in an. unusual place I didn't feel like oh I. wish I wish I went somewhere else where. it was a bit you know people were a bit. kinder your podcast is called midpoint. your book is called the first half. there's a theme going on yeah what why. um midpoint. came about uh as a lockdown project.

something I've been intending to do for. ages and had the time and it felt like I. was in the middle of my life and it. happened while I was in a pandemic and. it felt very much like a time of. introspection and you know asking. yourself questions about what next what. does it mean to go through this period. where a lot of people start to. experience. um you know the midlife crisis a lot of. people refer to which you know obviously. in the sitcom that's where the bloke. gets you know some leather jeans and a. Harley-Davidson and runs off into the. sunset with somebody 25 years younger.

than him or you know or um Shirley. Valentine flies off to Greece and finds. a lover you know so you get these kind. of very caricatured ideas of what. midlife is but for most people you know. they stay with their families and they. you know they work through something. that happens to them and what I. discovered with women is uh menopause I. didn't really know anything about it. going into lockdown and then I learned a. lot about it and then I was having one. and and that is a huge topic of. conversation that you know rightly has. grown and become something that people. are more aware of but also it's for me.

it was more about the I started off. wanting to talk to people who'd done. something different in midlife so my. first guest was John Bishop who at 39. was selling pharmaceutical drugs and at. 40 was a stand-up comedian which was a. massive career change and I like the. idea of doing something really different. in the middle of your life and not. feeling you have to keep going until the. end with the thing that you've gone on. you know the path to do and it's it's. obviously fanciful to say that anybody. can change their trajectory in midlife. because circumstances will dictate that. you have to keep paying your mortgage or. you have to keep you know food on the.

table so it's not possible just to stop. and start something else but I do like. the idea that you can you can make a. change because we're all going to work. so much longer than our parents you know. had to or our grandparents had to just. the way society's going and you may as. well do something that you really love. and feel nourished by so midpoint came. about really because of all those kind. of things that I was thinking about it. was a self-serving project you know it. was like I want to talk to people are. doing interesting things. um and it's been really a joy to do you.

know and to to kind of you know what. this environment's like it's a brilliant. way to have a conversation and you get. to talk about things that you find. interesting and then the person you're. talking to Sparks interest in you as. well so. um I'm about a six Series in so I'm. nowhere near as you know prolific as you. Stephen but obviously it's um it's a. kind of side hustle yeah well this side. is a side hustle in my bedroom so it's. crazy it's crazy um you know now we've. got these cameras which is mad yeah on.

that point of the midlife crisis thing. is there any truth in that are there. regrets that show up in you know that. you've seen from your conversations in. midlife that that were maybe not as. obvious beforehand priorities change. values become clearer. there is definitely something in it in. in the midlife. um change you know I think the physical. changes that all women go through it. shouldn't underestimate kind of how that. can affect them and their families and. and that's why a greater understanding. of that is really important especially.

you know women who've worked so hard in. their careers and they you know the. stories and the anecdotes you hear about. women just pulling themselves away from. it because of the physical effects of. menopause and I have a really. high-powered friend who's that one of. the top she's one of the top hedge. funders in the country sits on the board. of one of the biggest and she said to me. well I'm going on testosterone because. there's no way I'm working this hard and. letting a bloke come and take my job so. testosterone is one of the hormones that. depletes in in um uh midlife and women. so if you go on HRT you could take.

progesterone estrogen and testosterone. but people don't realize women have. testosterone you know that they they. need it and I was laughing because she. was like as if I'm going to kind of give. up this but actually a lot of women do. give up that career because of the. feelings that they have of anxiety and. low self-esteem and you get brain fog. there's so many things physically that. happen to women at that time so I think. that has an impact obviously on on lives. but also. um and then what I realized when I. started looking into how many. relationships break up but not because.

actually those two people don't love. each other anymore but because if the. woman's going through all of that and. the man's feeling kind of like she. doesn't love me anymore what's going on. you know and they the relationship. breaks down because of a lack of. understanding and communication but also. I think because you've done the same. thing a lot of people have done the same. thing for nearly 30 years you know if. they've been on a traditional career. trajectory and then they feel bored or. they need something to kind of you know. give them a kick and then there's the. mortality question as well because you. suddenly look at your parents and a lot.

of people in that age the parents are. you know in their 70s or maybe 80s and. and looking like they're nearing the end. of their lives and that makes you. question you know the rest of your life. so there are so many issues that come up. and time to think as well because your. kids are getting to an age where they're. not the same kind of Demands on your. time through them so they're they're. flying you know they're doing their own. thing so you have time to think and. space to think so it is definitely it's. a thing that's why I think think why I'm.

so intrigued by the topic is how do I. design my life now at 30 to try and. um limit the effects of that mid. midpoint. um. confusion or dissatisfaction that people. often experience and that you've kind of. accounted there one of the things that I. suspect is going to help is for me to. stay really in touch with the things. that I enjoy doing that I know. um in no way pay me or provide for me. professionally just like DJing and so. for your fulfillment yeah you know in.

life is not just from the things that. earn you cash you know and I think the. older you get you realize how important. those other things are the Hobbies is. that you know if that is a hobby or if. it's. volunteering you know and I don't mean. that just kind of working in a you know. help the ages shop but giving your. talents to other people mentoring people. and we do a lot of Kenny and I do a lot. of stuff with various Charities that we. feel you know very passionate about or. um giving your time up to people I think.

those things are really important. because as you become more financially. secure it is your time isn't it that's. the most valuable you know kind of thing. that you have and um and if you can give. your time to other people like that it's. it's very very rewarding and and then. you find you know kind of passion. projects as well that things that you've. felt in the past you haven't had time to. commit to and I want to know Kenny my. husband is really into being outside you. know he's he's loves making things and. I'm like building things and doing. things so he will literally be on a zoom. doing his business call and then you'll.

realize he's got half an hour and he'll. go out and he'll be on his track to kind. of raking something and building. something and you know that for him is. how he is just loving his kind of. midlife balance you know but he couldn't. have done that 10 years ago when he was. first really building his business he. wouldn't have you know he just wouldn't. have worked so I think you you get to a. stage where you also give yourself that. time to do those things and allow. yourself you know and you'll be you know. you'll have so many other interests. business interests and things that have. along the way have you know kind of. given you great satisfaction so I'm not.

worried about you having any kind of. mid-life uh crisis you said you. discovered you had you were going. through menopause. um at the age of 47 yeah I realized I. had perimenopausal symptoms because I. didn't really know what it was I just. felt this sense of like oh nothing feels. as exciting anymore nothing feels as. joyous I'm not getting the same. satisfaction out of stuff and and that. was so not me and then I did one of my. podcasts I was with Mariela frostrop and. she started talking about the menopause. she's a bit older than me and I was like. oh my God these things these things you.

talk of I recognize them and afterwards. she recommended you know a go speak to. this doctor that she had seen and. um and sure enough I was bang in the. middle of you know what what was the. physical the physical manifestation. obviously of the menopauses eventually. you stop menstruating but before then. you have all these other things going on. low self-esteem anxiety brain fog you. know and this is all to do with your. hormones dropping off all the jobs that. these hormones did before they no longer. can do and that includes also your. immune system going down and you know. and this is in the middle of a pandemic.

so at that point my immune system's low. I don't want my immune system to be you. know any weaker than anybody else's so. it was a good time to find out and uh. and I you know knowing that I could. rebalance my hormones as well and. um I was so relieved when I did take HRT. to feel myself again because I had been. feeling like I remember one day having. this absolute kind of family meeting. crisis meeting putting everybody to the. table saying right nobody around here is.

pulling their way and really reading the. right act to everybody and I was and the. point where I got like I thought they're. not taking me seriously so I said if. this carries on I'm getting a flat in. Beaconsfield I know which is a little. town near where we live and they all. looked at me like I gone mad because. this has come from nowhere and of course. the kids were like close to tears and I. was like because I'm not going to be and. I realized now I look back and I was I. was just totally you know. sad about kind of how I was feeling and. I just didn't feel I was you know as I.

didn't have as much fight and tenacity. and energy and you know and this was all. menopausal symptoms really um I mean now. with the hindsight and the distance. that's between it you know they laugh. about that whole day that was that was. the day where we realized mum was having. a menopause but thank God I found out. right and I didn't actually go and look. at renting a flat in beckinsfield to. serve them all right and you know it's a. real perfect Confluence when you have a. woman in her late 40s and her kids are. teenagers because their hormones are. going crazy in the other direction and.

they're going through puberty and. everything's happening the other way you. know and so Kenny was very really wanted. to know what was going on with me so. he'd listen to my podcasts and he. learned so much about the menopause from. the female guest Davina McCall who's the. you know doing so much great work in. this space and she was talking about it. and he came in one day and he sat down. and he said to me I've just listened. I've been out in a dog walk and I've. just listened to Davina and he said okay. so if you start taking HRT and your. hormones kind of start going back again. you know and what happens to me are my.

hormones dropping off a cliff how you. know am I gonna I said no no men are. different and and he kept going on about. it I said look just go and do a well-man. test or something because you need to. satisfy yourself that you're okay you. know and um it was through doing this. well-man test that he found out he had. prostate cancer so um his his kind of um. his motivation for doing it was to see. if his testosterone was still kind of. you know functioning at a high level and. they said to him listen don't worry. about your hormones they're fine you've. got to worry about your PSA to cut a.

long story short he ended up having his. prostate removed and um had prostate. cancer so. um yeah we we in terms of a mid-life a. midlife journey in a midlife experience. there was a lot a lot going on there. obviously with regard to my my journey. kind of bled into him finding out. something that he otherwise wouldn't. have known because unfortunately. prostate cancer is a cancer that you. don't always get symptoms until it's too. late and as his urologist said to him if.

you'd had symptoms we might be having a. very different conversation. wow hmm. so I'm I'm forever grateful that I. started my podcast I think because he. wouldn't have had we wouldn't have had. that conversation. it's a really scary thing to think about. in hindsight if those dots hadn't sort. of connected because like most blokes. this is the thing and he this is why he. did it he did a podcast episode talking. about it like most blokes and especially. one he played International Rugby right. you know he played 70 times for his.

country he was used to giving his body a. battering and giving his body putting. his body through it and so he's living. with some of the ramifications of that. you know he has to really look after his. back and his core he's very lucky he. didn't really break too many bones but. you know he knows he has to look after. his body because he put it through a lot. so when he does have aches and pains and. things he often like a lot of men just. ignores them because he thinks that's. part of you know what he'd done to. himself before and that's part of you. know his Sporting Life and this year he. lost one of his very best friends who.

played for Scotland with who'd who'd. done just that who'd ignored a lot of. those things thinking it was old. injuries and it turned out he had bowel. cancer and he died and that was um for. him just you know. huge a sense of gratitude that he he had. found out but also a reason for him. wanting to talk about it because men can. be really rubbish at that you know and. it's and it's something that I think we. talked about masculine kind of identity. and earlier on about you know my dad. when he was younger and how he.

um the self-preservation and wanting to. you know keep things in in public and. actually that's a lot of that is is men. not always sharing those things so and. not having those conversations candidly. and when he did that on the pro on the. podcast. um the response from men has been. amazing to him you know and I think it's. partly because he's perceived to be. somebody who is a tough rugby player so. if he can talk about it okay I can go to. the doctor and like I can ask them a few. questions am I right in thinking. prostate cancer is the cancer that takes. the life of most men yeah 12 000 men a.

year most it's the cancer the biggest. cancer killer of men. he does that Wellness well man test. he eventually goes and has a a test done. for prostate cancer I guess and then he. gets the verdict back. you've been through grief before you've. been through loss before in fact we when. we talked about you know your earlier. years you kind of had that sense of. impending doom when he makes that phone. call to you when you have that. conversation with him. what what is that like what's going on.

in your head. so he had a zoom set up with his. urologist because it was at the early. part of this year when we were still not. really you know there was that covert. surgeon and he said okay don't come in. I'll do a zoom with you and Gabby. together and I had made an appointment. uh or a meeting rather with a head of a. production company I was going to be. working with to come to the house at 11. so Kenny said he's calling at 10 30. I. said yeah great fine 10 30. I was not. expecting anything other than you're. absolutely fine you know I did not.

expect negative news didn't expect him. to hear anything other than come back to. me in a year we'll keep an eye on it you. know and um otherwise I wouldn't have. made an appointment with somebody at 11. o'clock and. when his urologist told him I think we. both were just I think Kenny was more. expecting it than me I I very much was. like you're going to be absolutely fine. you know you look at your picture of. health and you know you're on your what. by pushing out massive Watts yesterday. you know and you're You're great and. um we were. shocked stunned because you then you.

don't know what that means you know how. bad is it where is it gone all those. things and. um and I think Kenny was really very sad. you know he's just like a feel sadness. in him because he said I feel so well I. I feel sad that inside me this is. happening and I don't know about it and. he you know it was very confusing and. also it's very tied in with your. masculinity and you know kind of the. prostate and so he was he was really. really upset and as you can imagine and. I I just thought right no this is we're. going to sort this this is going to be. absolutely fine and you know how what do. we do you know I kind of what are the.

answers here and the urologist was very. was brilliant he's a brilliant. communicator and told us what the. options were and I said we just got to. get a plan you've got to get a plan. together because you need you need to. know what you're doing and and then. we'll be positive and we'll just kind of. keep being positive about it and. um and that's what we did really you. know once he got over the initial shock. we just really kind of focused on it as. a project that we had to to deal with. and um it's a bloody awful operation you. know you get in basically six stab.

wounds in your torso and it is really. invasive and it's a horrible thing to. see him in you know the pain he was. afterwards it's a horrible thing to go. through but he's doing really really. well now and you know he's he just said. to me last night actually when we were. about to go to sleep he said he said. we've done really well haven't we. because he said people keep saying to me. like how are you all how's it you know. and he said we've done well I said we've. done well you know because he's he's. good the kids have been great throughout. it we've been through you know something. that kind of unifies you I think as a.

family you know can really solidify you. as a family so. um we're very lucky. he's your like you know for throughout. this conversation I've really got a. sense that this person is your rock. totally. I was trying to think of a bigger. superlative than Rock but um yeah he is. he's um I remember once years ago doing. a podcast called walking the dog with um. Emily Dean and at the end of it she said. to me you've got Kenny itis I said sorry. she can't stop mentioning him and.

he's just great. I'm very lucky. I knew I wasn't gonna lose him. but he's a great he's a great man and. I couldn't I couldn't ever. I couldn't have ever wished for anybody. to share my life with you know who's.

better. I used to. and then when I was having my kind of. negative phase with men. um and I perhaps didn't think I deserved. somebody like Kenny. and. I'm glad that I decided I did because. you know time is everything isn't it and. when I met him if I'd been that person. before. I wouldn't have called him you know. because he would have been too too good.

for me too nice for me and. yeah he's. he's been the most brilliant supporter. he's so positive he's so encouraging and. you know he just really believes in me. and gives me such enormous strength and. you know but he's also a vulnerable and. sensitive person you know he's he's so. um as a role model for our son you know. I feel like I've got this great person. who's alongside me. what what advice could you give me.

because you know you've been in this. relationship with with Kenny I'm gonna. guess I'm gonna say 22 years 21 20 yeah. 99 so yeah 20 coming up for um 24 years. 24 when we met we met January 99. [Music]. if you were to give me a piece of advice. on how my relationship could last for so. long. what would that advice be. I think it's. and we always and we don't always but we. often will have those conversations with. each other actually about why we are.

still going strong and what it is that. because we've been through like normal. marriages you know we've been through. rough patches and periods where you're. kind of you know not never before we got. married you know it was but marriage and. children and the commitments they do. test you and they do put you in. positions where you feel uncomfortable. and this is not kind of what I expected. things to be and how and I think the one. thing is communication we always talk. those things through Kenny is very much. like you don't go to bed on a.

disagreement or an argument you know you. sort sort sit down and discuss and. that's metaphorically you know it. doesn't have to be at bedtime but you. know you don't just let something Fester. he always says that he nips it in the. bud before it's a bud you know so if he. can see something's a problem and but. also it's okay to have disagreements you. know we have robust disagreements about. things we're not aligned on every single. thing because that's not real either. that and I think it's it's important to. know how to disagree. my parents sometimes had really.

screaming rows when I was little and. that's really horrible to hear as a. child because you don't want that you. know and screaming around is a one thing. but actually being able to disagree is. is really important having your shared. kind of passions and goals in life and. things you want to do together is also. but also having your differences and. having your like you know his his things. that he likes to do separate to me is. really important because you can't live. in each other's pockets all the time so. I suppose those things I'm saying to you. through hindsight looking back I think.

you know I wouldn't have sat out at the. beginning and said okay Kenny these are. the things that we have to and I was. talking to um we have to do I was. talking to somebody younger a lot. younger the other day about. relationships and the kind of young. people now and kind of how relationships. you know start is so different and how. relationships even come to be and. expectations of relationships and and. the the worry for me is that it's all. about perfection and it it's never going. to be perfect you know there are always. going to be things that go wrong but I. think if you're if you're into and.

you're kind of aligned on on the really. important things the values that you. have then you can overcome you know. bumps in the road so and also you've got. to laugh you know having fun is really. really important so yeah I've always. I've always resisted talking too much. about Kenny because I've always felt. like I'm going to jinx it you know if I. say something but I feel now with nearly. a quarter of a century gone that we're. okay we're definitely not going to break. up tomorrow no yeah so I used to at the. beginning I always used to think I'm not. going to talk about it because you know.

it's it feels too good I'm gonna you. know I'm gonna make it go wrong if I. talk about it so do you schedule Kenny. time I say this because I've been sort. of dealing with this recently where I'm. so busy with work and workers all. scheduled don't do anything that's not. scheduled is time with my partner so. that can sometimes Fall by the wayside. so and then you don't want it to feel. too formulaic do you yeah which is it. it's scheduling like what tab has she. got she read it's funny because I've sat. here with someone who said you should be. scheduling that time and then I can't. the prospect of going to my girlfriend.

be like let me put few into the schedule. I think she would be very happy so I. wanted to figure out what what you do to. make sure you know you told me you're. doing the World Cup you've got all of. these incredible things coming up how do. you make sure is there a practical way. you make sure your relationship doesn't. fall by the wayside. I think we always have uh we're lucky. because most mornings you know we're. having breakfast together we're kind of. aware of what each other's days are we. have you know dinners and things. schedules and we've got things we might.

do at the weekend so I think there are. weeks where we don't see a lot of each. other you know if if our schedules. aren't really aligning and but we know. it's okay because we'll pick up you know. pick up some time at the weekend or. something I think through our. relationship early on Kenny was away a. lot with his rugby and he'd be traveling. and then coming home and that was really. hard when you had weeks away from each. other. um but it did make I think you know. absence makes the heart grow fonder and. you really kind of want to be with that. person you know you want to be with that. person but I wouldn't so much schedule. it as just make sure that you've got. something nice coming up or you've got.

something you're going to do together or. you know you've got an afternoon. yesterday I took a break for about half. an hour's back-to-back recording podcast. and it was a gorgeous day and I knew he. was outside he'd done something outside. so I just went out in the garden just. walked around with them for half an hour. because I knew he wanted to show me. things that he'd been doing and that. made didn't feel good showing me these. things so and it made me feel good as. well because I was getting a bit of. vitamin D and I was kind of having a. nice chat with him and I think. spontaneity actually is really important. in a relationship and not always you. know planning trying to be more. spontaneous in your personal life to.

your yay business life you know you've. got to be you've got to be on it but I. think yeah the spontaneity is quite good. and he gets you know like he'll be like. oh are you coming to that you know if he. was doing something a charity event or. something or business sort of thing and. I said I'm going to come along to that. you know oh great it's great that you're. there and I really love it when he says. that because he wants me to be there you. know so. um I'll make the effort then to go along. to something or you know maybe even I've. even picked up golf again because he. loves golf I think right we're heading. into a period of our life we're gonna. have more time I can play golf again so. I've started playing golf again oh wow.

you could teach me we have a closing. tradition on this podcast where the last. guest asks a question to the next guest. they don't know who they're asking it. for they just write it in this book and. I don't get to see the question until. open the book so the question that's. been left for you not knowing that it. was for you is. or interesting what would you do. if you absolutely weren't afraid. if I had no fear.

I would when my kids have left home I. jump on a plane I go and try and work in. La for a year. like I'm working about I always wanted. to work in American TV so I would go. right I'm gonna just go bang on the. doors of execs and and if you could. write write the job role what would the. job role be in America. it would be pretty much Oprah Winfrey. yeah I think that if I had no fear. that's that's what I do. I could see you doing that in fact.

that's that's been rattling around in. the back of my head for a long time when. you said earlier that you wanted your. own talk show I was like I could 100 see. that yeah you have all the attributes. you know even in your writing I see. I see that I see the huge potential of. like great conversation that openness. the vulnerability the way that you make. people feel calm. um and you create a bridge for them to. be open to. your elocution is that the word your. ability to articulate yourself in such a. wonderful apparently way with such ease.

I could 100 see that oh wow thank you. I'm very excited to watch the show oh. thank you so much when I when I grew up. I wanted to be Oprah you know as a kid I. wanted to be Oprah and that was the. person I think that I thought wow that's. amazing but then of course you're in. this country and you look around and you. know kind of who are your role models. yeah yeah I got to meet her once um by. accident uh we were in a lovely. restaurant in London and she was dining. a few tables away and I would never go. up to somebody and you know do that. thing and I Kenny was going to me we.

were with some other people who worked. in Telly they were kind of execs and. they everybody knew she was there you. know and Kenny said oh my God he knowing. she's my hero because he said Oprah's. there I know I know and uh he's saying. are you gonna I said no of course I'm. not and she just walked past the table. and he just got hold of her hand and she. looked down at him and he said and she. was so warm and he said I'm so sorry I. know you're leaving but I said my wife. absolutely adores you and she just got. hold of my hand and she put it on her. heart and she looked me in the eye and. said and I adore you.

and I was like thank you she hadn't got. a clue who now we all were but she was. so warm and lovely and actually I said. to Kenny afterwards I hate you for doing. that but I love you because I have like. I have a I touched Oprah Winfrey's hand. and um yeah so um I think you know the. way she's created her her whole. broadcasting Empire as well is just. amazing she's such an incredible role. model and has a battle through you. imagine being at Winfrey at the. beginning of her career you know kind of.

let alone you know she was an actress. but also what she'd gone through as a. child and then to forge her way as a. news broadcaster in in that environment. in America I think she is yeah she's. such a she's a good role model I think. yeah she's a role model to me too she's. a huge role model to me in so many ways. um her grace her class her struggle you. know exactly all the things you've. described there. um but so are you you're a role model to. me as well and that that became clearer. and clearer throughout your book and you. know I'm someone that's just stepped a. foot into the TV world over the last. like year or two with Dragons Den but.

people like you that I've. um on my screen. um your skill there's a real skill to. what you do and I don't think it's it's. always appreciated to its full extent. the level of skill the research the. diligence the hard work the the talent. to do what you do. um is really astounding having been on. camera a little bit I really really. appreciate that and um I really also. appreciate you writing a book like this. because the vulnerability of this book. is going to. um unlock a lot for a lot of people it's. going to liberate them from a lot of.

their own concerns and really also you. know I'm not someone that understands. menopause. but it's important that I do and the. lens that I I read about menopause. through isn't from an experience that I. might have someday but it's the the. women in my life that matter to me. that's so important and having empathy. for them yeah um and one of those is my. my mother and her own Journey um with. that and it gave me a huge sense of. empathy that I didn't have before a huge. understanding that I didn't have before. from Reading you you talk about that. um.

in this book and so openly previously so. thank you because this is a very. important book that I think everybody. should read regardless of their age race. or gender. I think there's something really. important there for everybody and thank. you for coming here today and being so. open and honest with me it's a huge. honor to meet you it feels like every. you know I freak out a little bit when I. see people that I've I've looked up to. for so long on TV screens so yeah. absolutely overwhelmed by everything you. just said there so thank you so much. because you are obviously. just what you're doing at the age that. you've done you know is is phenomenal. and to to have that kind of wisdom to.

you know to be able to read a book like. mine I feel like we're actually very. different in lots of ways but very. similar in other ways and so that really. means so much thank you and really. really appreciate that and best of luck. with all the incredible things that. you're doing too. thank you. [Music].