“Dynamo Is Dead!” The Heartbreaking True Story Of Why Dynamo Vanished For Years!

I can't turn off the noise, and if I saw. myself in a mirror, I'd slam my head. into the mirror and just keep slamming. it until it make it go away. But, that's. why I disappeared, but it's not the only. reason why I disappeared. Magic couldn't fix me. Dynamo, illusionist, magician. extraordinaire. Are you watching closely? Was there a moment you look back on and. say that was my rock bottom? The 6th of November, 2020. Cuz that was. the day when I tried to kill myself. Your wife found you unconscious.

In the dog bed. Magic's always been the thing that has. given me hope, that I've used to. overcome the bullying, overcome the. racist abuse, and the lack of belief. And it made me stand out in a DIFFERENT. WAY. DYNAMO! SHOUT OUT TO MY HOMEBOY DYNAMO. Everything you touch is turning into. gold, and you become the sensation. And. then in 2017, you stop suddenly. I got really sick. I couldn't hold the. cards anymore. My body was. deteriorating. And then at that same time, your. grandmother had passed away, who was. your biggest supporter. I'd also heard. that you had had a legal dispute, which.

meant that you could no longer use the. name Dynamo. I had so many problems, but I couldn't. figure out how to even solve one of. them. I thought if I'm not here, then. everybody else might be happier. I realized then that Dynamo as we know. it needed to die. And I'm finally. feeling it again. Now, I just need to. get magic back in my life. Dynamo, or should I say Steven, is there. some magic you can show me right now? What? Oh my god.

I've never shared this before, but 3 years ago, Dynamo walked up to me. when I was at a Christmas party. I'd. never met him before, and he whispered. something in my ear that quite frankly. stopped me in my tracks that I could not. believe. I knew Dynamo was this. incredible online magician, and what he. said to me that day, I was unable to. forget. He was in a dark dark place. He. was engaged in a legal battle and he. just lost the rights to use his own.

name. He could no longer call himself. Dynamo. He was no longer able or allowed. to do magic. And this stranger that had walked over. to me at that Christmas party was. suffering in a way that I've never seen. before. And just a week ago, Dynamo text me and. said it's finally time to tell my story. And that is what you're going to hear. today. The story he whispered in my ear at that. Christmas party all those years ago. Where has Dynamo been? What happened?

And what happens next? And before this episode starts, I want. to make a deal with you. About 58% of. you that watch this podcast frequently. haven't yet hit the subscribe button. If. you enjoy what we do here, here's the. deal that I want to make with you. If. you hit that subscribe button, I promise. you that we will keep making this show. better in every single way. And we have. huge plans to turn this into more of a. documentary style conversation, where we. work incredibly hard to bring in footage. of the things we're talking about to.

give you greater context and greater. meaning. So, if you hit the subscribe. button, I promise you that we will. deliver an even greater version of this. show. I hope you choose to come along on this. journey. Enjoy this episode. Dynamo, or should I say Steven? My friends, you can call me whatever you. like. Steven, in researching your story, I've been.

surprised, inspired, shocked, but in many ways, it's given me the context I think that. was missing as to how a man like you. committed their life to magic. For people that don't know your story, your earliest years, and the context. back there in Bradford in 1982, what is the context that we need to. understand in order to understand. you? I think. ultimately.

it's the force that. sometimes magic is found in the most. unlikely places. And. I was a kid in a counselor state with. no hopes, no kind of. not much family around me, no real direction. And if anything. I should never have amounted to. anything. So for me. just trying to. not be confined by my environment, by my. circumstances.

is the magic I've been searching for my. life. And hopefully. I can. use the magic I've now found to inspire. others who might find themselves trapped. in a similar position. Bradford, 1982, you you said you didn't. have a lot of family around you. Mhm. What family did you have and not have. around you? I mean, I was I just born, so you know, I can't remember exactly everything from. literally '82. But from say '80.

from '86. I believe that was when my dad went to. jail. So. he wasn't around any longer. Um. my mom. was there, but she she had me really. young, but she would have been about. she'll have been about 20 then. So a. young mom um losing. you know, losing her her partner who. would have been raising me with her. So your mom had you at 16? Yeah, she was she was pregnant at 16.

Okay. Was there. racial issues. in your childhood? Cuz I think you're Are you biracial? Yeah, yeah. My father's Pathan, my mom's. English. Okay. Pathan, I'm not familiar. Yeah. It's a it's a tribe. Um. it's there's parts of it in Afghanistan, parts of it in Pakistan, parts of it's. kind of scattered around the world. You must have been what, 4 years old. when he went to prison? Yeah. Did you understand what that meant? No. No, not at all. I uh. I remember him going out and then just.

never coming back. It wasn't till I was a little older that. I kind of understood. that he'd gone away and why he'd gone. away and you know, and I kind of. It's weird. Like I was young enough. that. not having him around became a normal. thing. Like not having a father, you. know, I was on a council estate where. other people didn't have fathers around. or mothers or you know, we had a lot of. broken families. So for me.

it became just a normal way of life. I. think if I'd have been a bit older and. had more chance to understand more and. miss more then it would have maybe been. harder. Did you resent him? At that age when you started to realize. what you had. lost in a father? I think if I'm honest, I resented him. more as an adult. As I got older, like I resented him more. when. I first met him properly after, you.

know, like when I'm I'm he. He came to. uh Revolution Wine Bar in Bradford. And this was when I was 19 years old. And I'd started to make a little bit of. a name for myself with my magic. Right. then, you know, I had um. I'd I think I was applying for like. Prince's Trust start-up loan and all. that sort of thing. I was I was. basically, you know, starting to. go somewhere that was positive in my.

life. And. I got called by the manager of. Revolution saying, "Oh, there's a. gentleman that says he's your dad." He. said, "Come to see you." He said, "I'm. from dad.". And I'm like, that's weird because like. I don't really feel like I've got a dad. So, I'm like, okay, this is strange. And. then. I said, oh, well, just tell him I'm busy. right now, but if he wants to come in in. a couple of days time when I'm not. working cuz I was getting ready to do a. set at the bar. I perform magic, basically, in Revolution bar.

And. he came back a few days later. And I mean, he kind of looked like me, so I kind of knew it was true. You know, I asked my mom about it and. she explained, you know, but yeah, he's he's not in jail anymore. and he's been out and he's been asking. about you. He's I think he tried to call. my mom a few times. He's called my nan. on his phone as well. And they'd always just kind of, you. know, they they saw what I was getting. all my life and I'd got used to a life. without him in it. So, they felt that it was best for me to not.

have him in my life. And then. when I met him. it was so strange. because. he basically. said, but you've you've got a, you know, you're see you've got a little crew. around you. Do any of your your friends want to help. shift some. stuff for me? And when I say stuff, I'm not talking. about legal stuff. And at that point, I was just like, wow, you know, he's. he's clearly not been reformed and I.

don't feel like he's the sort of person. I need in my life right now cuz. I've spent a lot of my life trying to. avoid this type of environment. How long had it been since you'd seen. him at that moment? This was when I was 19, so. from say four. years old. So, you hadn't seen him for like 15. years and the first time he sees you, he. offers to he asks you to help him shift. some drugs. Yeah. Not just drugs, but yeah. I'm trying to figure out what else it.

could be if it's not drugs. Okay. He was into other stuff, lots of stuff, you know. Um. And. you know, that's that's the life some. people choose, you know what I mean? Like um I didn't know him enough to to. to have a. to be able to say whether he was a good. man or a bad man because, you know, end. of the day. just because you do that sort of stuff. doesn't necessarily ultimately make you. a bad person. It can be the. circumstances that. lead you into that world.

Mhm. Um. but. at the time in my life. you know. I'd been getting some incredible support. from Mapper Youth Centre in Bradford. I. basically. was surrounded by for the first time in. my life positive role models from you. know, positive male role models. And part of me. hoped that when I saw my dad. that he could be one of those. But.

I think I was too far gone in the other. direction and he was going in a. different direction and it just wasn't. meant to be and. you know. I I. I think then I just became indifferent. I just thought, "Well, you know what? I've gone this far without a father. So, I don't really need one now. Resentment. Mhm. Was that because you were still holding. out hope that he was someone else or.

where where did the resentment come from. in that moment? You said that's when you. resented him the most. Because I think he they he had in front. of him an opportunity to connect with. me. And he saw a different opportunity in. that moment. He cared more about using you as a. vehicle to sell drugs. Yeah. Are you still holding on to pain? Oh, yeah. 100%. There's going to be parts of that that. will never be closed off uh because um.

sadly he's not alive anymore. People often say to me when I speak to. them on this podcast about parents that. they've lost that. when we lose someone it often changes. our perspective on them and the. situation and often that the issue that. held us apart. When your mum came to you and told you. that he had now passed away, is there. anything you look back on and go with. that new perspective now that he's gone. and go do you know what. this would have been a. probably a different or a better way of. handling the situation. Is there any.

regrets there at all? I can't really have regrets personally. because. the circumstance I was in was not of my. making, you know. Um. I was told by by my grandma. that and my auntie as well, my auntie. Mel, they both they both would tell me. passionately. how much my mum and dad loved each. other. But there was also an element that they. said it's a good job that he went away. because if he'd have not gone away, it's.

highly likely that my mum and my and me. would have been dead. because he was apparently very abusive. And. to your mother? Yeah. Did Did you ever know this? Did you ever. see this? No, I was like I wasn't really I think. it was more before I was born and then, you know, I think. yeah, I was too young to really. understand it. Like I've my mum's told me about stuff. more recently.

And you know, my auntie and as I've been. like you know, uncovering things about. myself. like I've asked more questions. What have you been trying to figure out. about yourself? A lot of things the last few years um. the. point in my existence ultimately. If we go back to the the rest of the. context there um from those early years, what were you like socially in school. and. we were. Did you like school?

Mhm. I like learning. I like trying to understand things. But. did I like school? I was scared of school. Why? Just cuz I used to get beat up all the. time. Like it was school for me was painful. But it wasn't the learning aspect of it. It was getting. to and from the lessons, you know,

surviving the playground. Like that for me was difficult because. I went to a school that was. predominantly uh. you know. a more white school, so it's let's say, and. you know, I was getting to an age where. my complexion started to show, so it was. obvious that I wasn't fully English. So it was a lot harder to hide because. I was told when I lived on the estate, you know, I was recommended by. everybody, you know.

by my mom, by my nan, by. just anybody who was was close to my. family at the time, if anybody asks, just say you're white. You know, it was kind of ingrained. in where we lived. to hate anything that is different. I read about a story where someone threw. you into a river. Have you? Oh, yeah, the dam. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was um. So one of the estates I lived on, I. lived on quite a few council estates in.

Bradford, where depending on where my. mom's boyfriends lived or girlfriends um. at the time. So. So I remember. there's Delph Hill estate. and then there's Woodside estate and. separating them is a big massive field. and in the middle of the field is a dam. And it was where like all the cool kids. would kind of go to hang out. And. I wasn't one of the cool kids. But. like one time I got invited down there. So I thought, oh, amazing, you know, I'm.

finally being accepted. And when I got there, they only invited. me down there to kind of throw me in the. dam, but I knew I couldn't swim. Like I. didn't I didn't have a. an adult to teach me how to swim till I. didn't learn to swim till I was like, you know, 14, 15. So they threw me in the dam and. it was one of the most traumatizing. experiences I'd felt at that time. Thankfully there was one guy on the. estate, Wayne Jewitt, um who basically dived in and helped me. out and. you know, he was a really good swimmer.

He could he could um get me to safety. And. yeah, like stuff like that happened all. the time though. It wasn't like. you know, I can remember that because I. couldn't swim and if you've ever. experienced that panic that you get when. you, you know, when you feel like you're. drowning, that will stay with you. Mhm. Um you know, I don't like going, you. know, I don't like going into the sea and. stuff like that, you know, like getting into water in general is. not my favorite thing. You and me both. I can't swim either, so.

I remember the first time I nearly. drowned and I remember the person that. jumped in and saved me when I was a kid. as well. Remember it like it was. yesterday. Mhm. So. Yeah. So like that experience happened, you know, it. it happened on the way to school, it. happened after school, you know. So for me. the the thought of going to school. was always like a daunting notion. There were certain teachers like Mrs. Wilcox, you know, like uh she was my. English teacher and she was really nice.

and. she was really nurturing. And I didn't feel. stupid in front of her because of if in. a lot of the classes. when. you know, when the teacher's asking you. to get involved, I was so nervous of other people's. opinions in the class that if I spoke. up, if I if I put my hand up to answer a. question, and that it was wrong, then. that just was going to lead to more. getting beaten up harder after school, or you know, more ridicule. So,

I kind of kept myself to myself, but at. the same time, I was just like this. this like sad little kid kid. who would take the long way home, so I. didn't get beat up. I remember speaking to Israel Adesanya, who was the UFC world champion, and him telling me a very similar story. about taking the long way round school. so that he would avoid the bullies on. the playground, and. all of those things. Again, in his. situation, it was heavily racially. motivated. He had was this kid that had.

flown to New Zealand from Africa. He was. the black kid, and so he was. he ultimately turns to fighting as a way. to help him. survive. Yeah, I mean, he's he's very good at it. I saw him fight him. He's he's amazing. Well, I I think about your story, and I. go, in a way, didn't did you turn to magic. as a way to help you to survive? Ultimately, that's where it ended up, but. I didn't turn to magic. Magic kind of. found me,

cuz it was never something I was into. initially. It was something that my grandpa used to. do. He'd do tricks here and there, you know, little like the sort of things you see a. guy doing in a pub, you know, nothing. like super amazing. But, to me, he was like. kind of the main male role model in my. life, and. he was always the life of the party, you. know, and. he seemed to have an answer to every.

single problem. And one day, when he's picking up from. school, like he saw the sort of things. that was happening to me, and I never. knew he saw this, but, you know, he'd. always get to the school playground. early, so, you know, so he didn't want. to be late for picking me up. And often. I'd walk out the door and straight away. I'd kind of get in a fight or get, you. know, get caught up in something. And he'd kind of stay back. He never. really got involved, but he saw it kind. of be quite bad one day, and when he was. walking home he's telling me he's going. to like show me some things, you know,

that might help me. And I'm thinking, oh, yeah, it's going to be like Karate. Kid, you know, Mr. Miyagi, you know, like but it wasn't any of that stuff. He. He's. He showed me magic and he says, you know, these things that they get me. positive attention when I'm out and. about, when I share these things. So. maybe maybe try these. And. I was scared at school about trying them. because I'm like thinking, well, I'm. already seen as this weirdo, this. outcast.

Like how is. No, you know, he's he's sharing magic. with people cuz magic wasn't like a cool. thing. Thankfully, it made me stand out in a different way, and it deflected attention. from me. And there was definitely some people. that, you know, shunned it, didn't like it, but there. was enough people that thought it was. interesting and, you know, kind of kind of cool that it got people.

off my back. That was really where the magic began. Properly, that's before that point. It was. you know, it was something that I was. using. to deflect attention from the other. areas of my life that I was trying to. hide. It's um it's quite remarkable how many. times I've heard. similar stories about someone finding a. way to belong through a craft or through.

singing or through acting, whatever it. might be, and then them committing their. life to that. It's almost like they. become. addicted to it in some way. And it I. guess the issue is when you ask yourself. the question. what am I now without it? Do I therefore not belong if I don't do. magic? Mhm. Yeah, I know that feeling. all too well. I'm sure we're going to come to that. Um. about 13 years old in '95, you're. diagnosed with Crohn's disease, which is.

very young, I believe, to be diagnosed. with Crohn's disease, which is a lifelong disease. Um. It's like a severe inflammation related. to irritable bowel syndrome from what I. understand. Yeah. And it can be life-threatening as well. Yeah, yeah. Um I've had a a few moments. where I've had life like. life-threatening operations. How does that change the picture at 13. years old with that diagnosis? And what. led up to that diagnosis? Well, before the diagnosis,

I'd got to, you know, my teenage years. where you you know, you kind of start to. have changes, right? You go into. puberty. And. I was definitely like a bit of a slow. starter. I was still, you know, all the. kids at school were getting bigger and I. was getting smaller. I wasn't getting. smaller, but they they were getting. bigger and I was just basically wasn't. really kind of. growing. growing at the same rate. And my mom. started to. take me to the hospital to get tests. done to try and figure out, you know,

what was up with me. Which. I understand. why my mom would do that, but at the same time, for a kid who feels like they don't. belong, to then be taken to hospital to have. tests done on me. to figure out what's wrong with me, like suddenly I'm like, well, all right. I don't belong and I've got something. wrong with me. I mean, this is, you. know, like what is the point in me,

you know, you I broken? Do you know what I mean? So, I mean, there clearly there clearly was. issues. um. and they found my Crohn's disease. And I guess. now I feel that's quite a it's an. incredibly good thing to have done. The. problem was back then. there wasn't enough known about Crohn's. as there is now.

Right. The doctors understand it a lot more. They understand how to treat it and. people are a lot more open to, you know, to it. You know, essentially. it's an illness that affects your bowels. which ultimately. affects, you know, And and how your body digests things and. that's not the sort of topics that, you. know, are that easy to talk about um. especially when you're you know, a.

teenager going through your formative. years, you know. Is there a lot of pain associated with. Crohn's disease? Mhm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Stomach cramps um. you know, it's. I mean, if I don't take my medication and I'm on. it at the moment, I can struggle to walk. or to even get out of bed. Really? Every day. Yeah. It's like having. a. a wound inside your tummy. And it's like an open wound. And every time you eat, you essentially.

it's like rubbing dirt into an open. wound. So, it's never going to heal. It's going to constantly keep getting. infected and it's going to constantly. keep being inflamed. And because it's inside you, like, you know, your gut affects. every part of your body, you know? So, and then. it has side effects which one of those. is one of the side effects is reactive. arthritis which is what I suffer from. where if my Crohn's flares up, which can. be brought on from simple things like. just just everyday stress. Like or to.

You don't have to just eat something for. it to be bad. Like you can. you can have a stressful day and it can, you know, give you a stomach ache, which then can. ultimately spread to the rest of your. body and make you feel debilitated. And. that if you've got reactive arthritis, it means that all your joints start to. seize up and ache. Um hence why. sometimes I struggle to walk and kind of. function. And you know, you you kind of. need your mobility. to be a good magician. So, you know, for. me when Yeah, when that happens.

it stops me from being able to perform. the way that that I've kind of grown to. love. And that will then have knock-on effects. to the psychological. Yeah, and every case of Crohn's is. different, you know, it affects people. in different ways, but but ultimately, yeah, it Imagine stomach having stomach. ache just all the time. And being scared to eat because. you don't want to, you know, eat something and it it ruin. the it to it wipe you out for the rest. of the day. Right. So, you um.

you go to this new sixth form college. You end up dropping out of college. because you decide you want to pursue. magic full-time. And then you go off to America. where you stayed with your grandmother. in America. By the age of sort of 17. years old, you have that operation for. your Crohn's, which removes part of your. stomach. And then at sort of 20 years. old, you end up back in London. And that's when you started to sort of. gain a following for your performances. online. I think, you know, most of us. saw that chapter of your life, I.

believe, most of us, um through videos. on social media, stuff on TV, and all of that. And from. there on, it really looks like your. career starts to take off. Because I I was looking through. your biography and at 22 years old, you. receive an invitation to to perform at. the United States Super Bowl. By 29. years old, you have your own TV show. called Dynamo Magician Impossible. And. then that shows a smash hit. Wins all these awards, best. entertainment program. Is that really in your view where things.

started to take off? You're 29 years. old, 30 years old. Everything you touch is turning to gold, and you become this kind of sensation. I guess that depends on what you class. as like what is success, Mhm. right? Because for me. the the beginning of success where. things started to take off. was when I got my Prince's Trust. business startup loan. You were what, when you were 16 or. something? Or. No, I was a bit I was older. It was um.

it was 2002. So you're 20? Mhm. Like before that point. I thought one day I'm going to have to. go up. Or one day I'm going to have to get, you. know, get like. a real job. Yeah. Yeah. say, right? Yeah. Like yeah, you know, I think right. up until uh. you know, right up until like. my grandpa died and and. my nana passed, you know, I think they. were still thinking that I might get.

come up come home one day and say, "Oh, I've got a proper job now.". When was that? Uh my grandpa died in 2012, right? And. he he died in the middle of my second. series of of Magician Impossible. So. he got to see. some of his. like the way he nurtured me and helped. me and shared that magic, he got to see. some of that magic get brought to life. on screen. So I was that's probably one. of my proudest moments. But then my uh my nana.

um sadly she passed in the last couple. of years. Um I don't think. I think anybody really knows about my. nana passing um outside of, you know, my. family and my friends. Um and. for me like. my nana was my biggest supporter. for everything. But I know that she was always worried. about me cuz she always. thought that this magic thing wouldn't. work out and she wanted me to have. something to fall back on.

You know, when I dropped out of college. to pursue magic as you know, as that's. just all I wanted to do. You know, she was very worried. She was. She was the one trying to tell me that I. should not fall out. I need to get you. know, get an education and. in many respects, you know, the advice. she was giving was you know, was good. advice. But. luckily. things kind of turned out all right for. the in the magic. I mean, it turned out all right. It's. quite an understatement. You were.

magician of the year multiple times. The. TV show Magician Impossible then won the. TV Choice Awards as best entertainment. show. You ended that Dynamo's Magician. Impossible show after its fourth season. I believe. And then you embarked on your first live. tour called Seeing is Believing. And. then in when you're 35 years old in 2017. you stopped that tour suddenly. Yeah, I think that the tour kind of. run its course. We we did it. We We did over like, you. know, we we did a lot of countries and a.

lot of tickets and it was amazing. You. know, I'm I like trying pushing the. envelope with magic and with everything. I do. And I felt like. that time. on the road. gave me time to have a lot of new ideas. And I felt like I wanted to try and. bring some of those ideas to life. But. some of those ideas had to get put on. hold cuz it was shortly after that but I. got really sick with my Crohn's.

What happened? Just got uh food poisoning and that gave. me a. uh campylobacter to. um food poisoning which basically is. like probably the worst type of food. poisoning you can get. And that combined with my Crohn's was a. recipe for disaster. So, basically I was in hospital. I. I just remember. it was like 10:00. I was getting ready to go to bed and I. went to the bathroom. And.

I had this like. horrible feeling in my stomach. But I've. got Crohn's, so like I'm used to kind of. having to numb these these feelings, you. know, I'm used to just thinking, "Okay, it's going to be uncomfortable for like. half an hour and then it'll pass.". Right? And it wasn't going away and then. suddenly. like. blood was coming out of my mouth. I was. vomiting. I was Blood was coming out of. both sides. Like that's Yeah. Uh. And I didn't know what to do. Like it. would it wouldn't stop. I was in so much. pain.

Um I was screaming at my wife like and. literally I got rushed to hospital. And they gave me, you know, they gave me. all the medications to try and you know, they put me on the drip and give. morphine everything and nothing was. getting rid of the pain. Like I'd never. felt a pain like it. And I just did not understand what it. was. Like. and. what because of that. it caused my Crohn's to kind of. even though I'd so much of my Crohn's. cut out already in the previous.

operations it caused it to spread into a. different part of my bowel. And. from that. came the reactive arthritis because. in the part of the bowel that it moved. to had different side effects that I'd. never had before. Mhm. Like I remember like. just getting these sensations where I, you know, I'd got kind of over the. you know, a few months later I'd I'm I'm. over the like food poisoning element of.

it, you know, I'm I'm out of hospital. I'm kind of. you know, trying to get on with my life. But, I'd. be. holding my cards, you know, I'd be. doing, you know, magic like things that you know, stuff. that I do in my sleep, right? But, suddenly I was getting like. shooting pains in my joints and I was it. was like electric shocks I was having I. couldn't hold the cards anymore. I was struggling to move, you know, like. I'd be in a seat I won't be able to get. up because like my knees would be like.

like stuck. And I'd never had that experience before. and. I. I suddenly felt like Mr. Burns, you. know, from The Simpsons. Mhm. You know, like he seems really like. frail and weak. And. I felt like I was, you know, I was. I wasn't old. I was like I felt like I. should be in my prime, you know what I. mean? And I couldn't understand it. I felt. like my body was deteriorating. around me and.

so. I went. basically on medical trials for the next. few years. Um. and the thing is with medical trials is. that when you try a new medicine, you have to try it for 3 months before. the doctors will s- write that off as. not working. and try on a new medication. But, there was times when. I knew within the first 2 weeks it. wasn't working, but I had to go the full.

3 months. And in those 3 months, you know, my. symptoms weren't getting better. If. anything, they'd get worse. And it, you know, it wasn't till. we got to. the. 9th month. where. I started this medication called. infliximab. where you have to go to the hospital. every few weeks and you get put on a. drip for you need to sit there for like. 8 hours and they basically put this. medicine inside you.

And that really had an incredible. effect. Like that gave me a new lease of. life. I felt stronger of I probably felt. stronger than I'd felt before I was on. it. But then. COVID happened. Um. it stopped my infliximab from working. So suddenly. I mean 2020. and I'm on medical trials again. And I tried um you know.

I tried and so many different. medications and it's it was. it wasn't until like. the. beginning of 2021 where I really. got one that was really working. properly. Um and even now I'm on that but it's. still I still have like I have 3 days a. week where I'm really bad. Where my joints just don't really work. that well. Um and my Crohn's my stomach. feels bad. But yeah, that that was a big. part of the reason why.

I. kind of I guess disappeared for a while. But it's not the only reason why you. disappeared for a while. Yeah, I think um. everything that. my body was going through everything I. was going through the pressures of you. know. trying you like wanting to do magic and. the pressures of trying to sustain a. career and live up to people's. expectations. um was almost an impossible task to do.

whilst I was trying to fix my body. And. ultimately. it you know. I. ended up in a situation where. without magic, without being able to do. what I loved not knowing if I was ever. going to be able to get it back. made me think. what's the point in my existence, and. I think.

my body was. kind of. imploding, and so was my mind. What was going on in your mind? I didn't know what to do with my life. Didn't know what to do with myself. Um. there's a lot of things that I don't. want to. fully go into, so. but I'll try and, you know, be as. give you as much as I can. There was just so much noise in my head. And. I hated myself for feeling how I felt.

I hated. the my way my body felt because of, you. know, because of everything I was. dealing with. If I saw myself in a mirror. in my house, I hated what was looking back at me. I. hated it so much that I slammed my head. into the mirror and just keep slamming. it to try and just. either, you know, make it go away. And. yeah, I remember I didn't. I didn't want to be alive because I.

didn't feel like. the life I had. Take away all the the success and, you. know, that side of things. I wasn't. I wasn't. living because I wasn't able to do. the thing I loved the most, which was. magic. And. it was. it was a time in my life where. I felt.

that. magic. couldn't fix me. But magic's always been the thing. that has given me hope. That I've kind of. used to. overcome the bullying, overcome. the. self-doubt and the lack of belief from. others and then my and then in my own. self. And. suddenly. I'm in a position where.

I don't know what to do with myself. and magic isn't going to fix it. And I can't. I can't until I'm fixed I can't. do the thing that gives me a reason and. gives me a purpose. In performing magic, I can't do that. because. I'm not mentally or physically. capable. How long did that. that last? I'm still dealing with it now, to be. honest. Like it.

it's difficult because. I'm. a magician. All right? And to everybody else. looking at me as a magician. I'm someone who does the impossible. I'm someone who. kind of should be able to do anything. But. I'm a magician.

who can't who felt like, you know, back. then and you know. and still at times now. I'm a magician. who. feels like I can't do. the first thing. that a magician needs to do perform. magic. So then. I'm just an impostor. I. can't. live up to. the expectations.

that. people have of me. And it's not that I. I'm not the sort of person who like. searches for validation from other. people, you know, like I mean. you know, magic is not an art form that. is. seen as the coolest thing ever. Do you. know what I mean? It's it you know. I just set myself up to fail if if you. know if. by by following through with magic um if. I'd have been naive to that point. Do.

you know what I mean? And I know that. magic's never been cool, right? And. you know, I hope that in some small way. I've helped to make it feel a bit cooler. than maybe what it was perceived as. But magic's the only thing that I'm good. at. And. I think. the way that I can. manipulate my body and you know. kind of handle cards and do the things. is a big part of what's made my magic.

unique and feel special. And not being able to do that. kills me. Am I right in thinking that at that same. time your grandmother had passed away. who was your biggest supporter. your body was breaking down because of. Crohn's and your illness around that. time as well. And I'd also heard that. you had had a legal dispute with your. management. Which meant that you could no longer use. your social media channels, the name. Dynamo, etc. etc.

And that had all happened in this. concentrated period of your life. There was there's a lot of stuff going. on and. yeah, like you know. I. I think losing my nana. ultimately. was. I think the thing that. I guess the straw that broke the camel's. back is the expression they use. Because. she's always been the backbone for me.

Whenever I felt weak. and there's a lot of times I felt weak. my nana's always been strong for me. And then. with. a lot of things going on in my life. in my life with my life being flipped. upside down, you know, and then my nana going as well, it was. just like, man, like. you know,

the like like it just felt like the. world was out to get me. And. I kind of wanted the ground to just. break open and just swallow me up. If I was a fly on the wall in your house. at that time, what would I have seen? Mhm. A lot of stuff that I don't really want. I wouldn't want anybody to see. Like. I wasn't very nice to myself.

There's a lot of pain. But also a lot of numbness and. I felt that. ironically actually, I didn't feel. like I felt so numb. that. I'd hurt myself to try and feel. something. Self-harming? Mhm.

Does your Does your partner know what's. going on. in your life inside your head during. this period? Cuz I cuz I have a I have a partner and. I if I was. in such a dark place. where I was. self-harming and. doing some of the things you've. described, the banging my head against. the mirror, and I was in that sort of. cycle of self-hatred, my partner I I. think my partner would. would would know.

Mhm. Yeah. She knew. She. She maybe didn't know the extent of it. to begin with and I think. also. the the loss side of things, you know, she obviously felt that herself. So, I. think. those things she's dealing with it. dealing with her own grief. Mhm. at the same time. So, sometimes when. you're dealing with grief you it's hard. to see outside of your own grief to see.

other people's. Mhm. You know what I mean? Um. and we were kind of almost together in. those moments, you know, we came. together like, you know, but. she. she was the one who ultimately got me. to go to therapy and to get the help and. support that I needed really. In this chapter was there was there a. moment you look back on and say that was. that was my rock bottom? Mhm.

Yep. 6th of November, 2020. The 6th of November, 2020. Mhm. Almost 3 years ago today. Exactly, almost. Why was that the hardest day? Cuz that was the day. that. I knew that she knew. Cuz she found me. And I tried to kill myself.

She found you in the house. Mhm. She found you unconscious? Yep. In the dog bed. What are you comfortable talking about? I mean, I'm not. super comfortable. at life. generally, so. you know, just talking. this is is first time I've kind of done.

an. an interview. that's not been with a therapist. in since 2020. So, you know, I I I trust you. You've. you know, we've you've been a bit of a. you've been a help for me over the last. few years. So, I guess. if you're respectful, then I respect. what you'll do with what I say.

It'll be done. There's two There's two things. There's. two things. I want you to feel. comfortable about whatever you say, but. also after this conversation, if there's. anything you. you're not comfortable. with having said, you can of course let. me know and it won't be. it won't be out there in the world. But, I I want to um. I think the the question that I. like. that I think is of most. value is understanding how. someone gets to that point. I've I've. actually spent a quite a long time.

speaking to Simon Gunning, who's the CEO. of Calm, Campaign Against Living. Miserably. Yeah. Um and he's done a really great job of. helping me to understand. suicidality as a topic, but also when I. have a public platform like this where I. speak on this these subject matters. occasionally. about what elements of that are useful. for people that are in that mindset now. And. what he's shared with me is. part of it is um people understanding.

that some how someone gets there, but. also understanding how they go from. there. and they rise out of that situation. What was What was on your mind. when. that led you up to that moment? I felt. that. I had so many.

problems. that I couldn't figure out. how to even solve one of them. And the problems weren't just affecting. me. They were affecting my household. They were. affecting, you know, just. my family's life.

And a big part of me thought. if I'm dead. then. my problems won't affect these other. people in my life. and they will be all right. Cuz I felt like. ultimately. I was the problem. It was quite a simple.

kind of thought That was it. It was like. Okay. If I'm not here. then everybody else might be happier. And they can get on with their lives and. you know. like. that was it. Your wife finds you finds you that day. in the dog bed and then she.

calls an ambulance? No, she called Edward Despot who's my. doctor. He's He's my my. gastroenterologist, my Crohn's. specialist. And then. I remember well. she was on the phone to him when I kind. of came round and she was just crying. And. that's Well, you asked me. a. where it feels like it was the worst. I'd probably hurt myself.

worse. on previous occasions. But. I'd never been found by the one person. in this life. whose opinion I genuinely care. about. And. no matter what I do now. in the future. there's nothing I can do. that can erase. what she saw.

And that's the thing I'm the most. ashamed of because. in the moment I felt like I was trying. to maybe do something. that would. take all the problems I thought I was. facing. and remove them from everybody else's. world. But. I'd not actually thought about. what.

these people would feel. if I wasn't here. Do you know what I mean? Mhm. So. that's. the shame that I feel. for that. I don't feel ashamed for. feeling the way I did. But I feel ashamed. that. my wife kind of saw that. Like it's. it's just embarrassing, isn't it? She's the person I'm supposed to be.

strong for. You know, she's person who relies on me. and you know. I'm the. I'm the husband that not I don't mean. that like I know we live in a modern. world, you know, where you know, you. know, it's but like. I'm supposed to be there to be strong. for her. And I couldn't even be strong for. myself. Can I ask you a question? In that. when someone is in that situation as you. were psychologically, what do you think.

those around them. can do to support that person? Or do you think there's very little. those around I'm trying to understand. how to support someone, you know, in my. life that would be in such a such a. mindset. I mean, I guess what my wife did. Like not not just call you naturally you. would call someone for help like a. doctor or something like that. But.

I mean. even though I still feel it. and I can't necessarily speak on her. behalf. But. she. didn't make me feel ashamed. She loves you, doesn't she? Yeah. It's one of the greatest gifts, isn't. it, to have someone in your life like. that that you know just loves you.

through thick and thin. From the ex- from the experience and. how she's been. even up up till now, you know, how she. dealt with it and dealt with me and. I think. it's the first time. outside of my nan or outside of family. who, you know, they have to do it some. conditional, right?

Um cuz they're family, they're blood. But it's the first time that I have. actually felt. the love of somebody else. Like because. we've been married a long time before. then. But, you know, you. you just never know. what someone's going to. act like when really hits the fan. Let me see you naked. Yeah. And.

I was exposed I was. you can't get any more exposed than. than what I've felt. And. she became the rock. She She gave me a. love that I've never had to. to deal with it. And. you know, it's. Yeah, that is something that. I didn't necessarily maybe know I needed. in my life until.

that moment. And that ultimately has. kept me alive. Around this time there's a dispute with. your management. What are you able to tell me about that? Cuz I know it's a legal dispute, so. there's things that probably can't talk. about, but I think it's important. context to understand what you're going. through in this moment as it relates to. your sense of purpose and identity and. all those things. What are you able to. tell me? I think.

I was at a time in my life. where. I felt lost. And. I knew. if I. you know, stayed. doing things exactly the same way that. I'd always done them, then. you're only going to get kind of the.

same results, right? You know, if I'm. if I'm feeling suicidal thoughts I'm. feeling. kind of like worthless, then the only way to break that cycle is. to have a. fresh start. It's needed to. break away from. everything and. ultimately, you know, you've. started many of businesses, and you. know, I'm sure some of those have. failed, and some of those have, you.

know, you've had to have, you know, go your. separate ways at times. Um so, that happens in business, um. and I think. there was a lot of work needed to be. done on myself. Mhm. And. which had to take time away from that. Like um. yeah, I can't really uh. touch on. Mhm. it too much. I'm trying to be extremely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all good. I'm.

actually quite interested in the the not. what happened, but the consequence of. what happened. So, cuz I've noticed. you've not been posting on social media. in a while, for example. So, I assumed. that one of the consequences of this. separation with your management was. you've not. you've not been able to use your social. media accounts, and we've not seen you. on the internet as much. Is that. a correct assumption?

Although I feel like I've wanted to kind. of. post things because. I felt like. my life. isn't been worth sharing. So, you know, whilst I've been trying to. fix myself, I I didn't feel comfortable kind of. sharing in those moments, and. kind of just let the lawyers do what. they do,

and figure that stuff out because I'm. I'm too I'm too busy trying to figure. out. what's going on in my own head, you. know, how to. kind of just. get to a place in this world. where. I can deal with the pressure of. life. Ultimately, all I wanted to do, which is. you know, what's led me to here with you today,

is get to a place in my life. where. I could share magic again. And even if. my arthritis and my Crohn's stopped me. doing it in the way I used to, I had to find a new way to share it. And there's. certain. things. in the past. that. I've had to go through, negative experiences, you know, positive.

experiences. But ultimately, I've had to go through. those things to learn and grow from. them. And some things I've had to leave. behind. And I'm speaking of things you've left. behind. Are you still Dynamo? I think Palm is always Dynamo. Yeah, of. course. Like. and. the thing is.

I've battled with knowing. who They're almost like there's been a. battle between me and myself because. the lines are so blurred or worse or. blurred. between. you know, the Steven that you know, Mhm. and the Dynamo that you you but the. greater world kind of knows. So, then.

like. it's just been. it's been a lot of confusion. Mhm. All. right. In simple terms, it's been a lot. of confusion. Because. Dynamo. is the part of me that feels like it can. do anything. But Steven's. the flawed human being. that realizes and knows.

that he can't. And it's a conflict. And then when my body's. falling apart, my life's falling apart, I'm losing everything in my life outside. of magic that I love. Then. I'm just an empty shell. And. that's the sort of feeling.

that makes you think like. what is the point? Why am I here? Like I am worthless. to. this world. if. I can't share. the only thing that I feel I'm good at. People will be sat thinking, "Why can't. you share it?". Because. partly.

for. some reasons. that. you know, are outside of my control. Mhm. Legal-related reasons. Some. Yeah. And yeah, sure. Um. you know, and then. partly. because. mentally. I wasn't free. Like, I need to be free.

in my head. to create. material, and to create the magic I. share. But, all that was in my head. is horrible things. Is. things that. I can't shut off. I can't turn off the. noise. So, then, there's no space. for magic to find its way in. So, I. I guess it'd be like the.

equivalent. to. writer's block. Like, magic writer's block. Like, I don't know if that's a real thing, but. Mhm. that's the only way I'm trying to simply. explain it. The way that I heard it from what you. just said about the noise was I can't. write if there's loud music playing with. lots of lyrics in it. So, when I when I do writing, I have to. turn off loud music with lyrics in it, or else I can't my brain can't focus on. both. So, I was almost imagining being.

in a room with really loud music. playing, and then me trying to think and. write, and I just wouldn't be able to. Yeah. Like, like, my body was not. allowing me to perform in the physical. sense in the way that I wanted to, you. know? I was, you know, some of the. medication was working well, and I was. doing good, but then. like, mentally, like, I wasn't in a fit state to do. magic, you know? And.

because of things that were going on. behind the scenes, I also it was really. complicated, you know? Um. even. getting work. And then, naturally, with that, you know, there's going to come. financial pressures, which is you know, the last thing you need when you've also. dealing with everything else. So, ultimately, I had too many. horrible thoughts in my mind to try I.

too many. problems to solve. to even think about magic. But then, me not thinking about magic, is you just. then that's the that's a depressing. notion. Mhm. Cuz that's how much of your purpose and. meaning and joy and. Yeah. And it's not just tricks. It's not you. know, I'm not when I talk about magic in. this sense like.

there's the. there's the card tricks. There's the. things that people see, right? But for me, magic is a feeling. It's something you experience. in your body. when you witness something that you. can't explain or when you see. something that feels impossible, but. feels like unobtainable, Mhm. right? Putting a smile on someone's face is a. magical thing. And that's what I've spent my life.

doing. But the irony is I was in a position. where. I couldn't put a smile on my own face. So, how am I meant to do that. for anybody else if I can't. you know, if I can't do the the simplest thing for. myself. And you go to therapy at this point, you. said. Yeah. My wife was on the phone when she. found me. to. to Ed Despo, who's my cosmetologist,

right? And then, he. he. put my wife in touch with with therapist. um called Edward Sim. And. I had some sessions with him initially, but this type of therapy can be quite. expensive. Yeah. So like I got like the first few bills. and I was like I can't sustain this. I. need it, but having to pay for therapy. was. making me more stressed in the process.

because I just couldn't afford the. therapy. But. Edward Sim, um. he showed me a kindness that. I've kind of been, you know, but I. haven't seen in a long time, especially. at that time. Like. he contacted my wife, um and just said, "Listen, I want to. help him. Um I'll do it for free.". And he's been he's been looking after me. ever since and.

you know, like. For free? Yeah. Wow. I mean, I've, you know, I've. I've keep offering to pay now you know, I'm in a slightly better place and. but he refuses, you know, he. um but you know, I don't think, you. know, he's someone who I want in my life. forever and you know, I want. I want to be able to repay. I'll I'll. never be able to repay him for what he's. done for me. But. like. Yeah, I mean.

he introduced me to so many different. things like. stuff that I like I use this thing. called Sonic Reset Therapy. Don't know if you know about it. It's. this. like noise that you listen to. I listen to it twice a day for 20. minutes. and. it it. it's definitely. become something that calms me down. and helps me sleep at night.

Um and then. What do you think it's doing? What is it. doing for you? It's just kind of. resetting your mind in a way or. Yeah, I think that's I mean I think I. guess that's the intention behind it. As. as I listen to it, it tells me to think. about negative experiences or think. about positive experiences that like. think about goals you want to achieve or. think about things you want to you know. get past. And just let them come into your mind at. the forefront. And.

it's really strange like it just has a. real calming effect. We'll try and get hold of it and we'll. try and include it in the description. below. So. That is it's you know like it. is been it's been helping me, you know, um sure it will help others um but you. know there's lots of different things. like. one of the things that he suggested to. me. which. at the time when he suggested it. it was such a weird thing.

Is he. he recommended that I read the. Alcoholics Anonymous book. Now. I say it's a strange thing for him to. recommend for me. because. I've never drunk alcohol in my life. I've never done drugs other than what. the doctors prescribe for me for my. Crohn's. So I've literally been teetotal forever, do you know what I mean? So. like. I just naively assumed that you know. this is a book to help someone who is an.

alcoholic. Right? That yeah, I've I've actually I've got a. stuff copy. My copy. That's yours. This is my copy um and in. in researching your story I I realized. the significance of this book so I just. bought a copy of it. Yeah. For people who've never read it, um I recommend reading it. You don't. have to be. I'm a testament you don't have to be an. alcoholic to read it and gain something. from it. Um you know essentially. it's. broken up into 12 steps. And.

each. chapter, each step. is. a lot of people's. like short stories of how they overcome. different phases of addiction or trauma. Ultimately, it's trauma, but it's in the. in the Alcoholics Anonymous book, obviously, it's specifically kind of. aimed at, you know, addiction in that. sense. And as you hear all the stories, it's very easy. to.

replace. the alcoholic side of it in this book. and put your own. trauma or grief that you're trying to. deal with. in that place. And. it's like a blueprint like literally. people are telling you. how they overcome a certain thing. And. might not work everything might not work. for you as an individual, but I took so much from this. And.

you know, it's. it can it's kind of. written maybe from like a. spiritual perspective, you know, I'm not. particularly religious like um but. ultimately, it's about trying to get you. to. believe in something greater than. yourself to help you find your purpose. And for me, I've always known what that. is. It's It's been It's been doing. magic, right? But I didn't know how to get back to. that place.

without dealing with all these things I. was dealing with, you know, like. and. I've kind of. you know, gone through the 12-step book, but I've. kind of gone through my own. 12-step kind of. recovery. like going through the different. emotional phases that I've. been trying to overcome. You know, and some of those. involved like, you know, going back, looking at my past, you.

know, looking at, you know, the situation with my dad, you know, looking at my mom, you know, like cuz I. think if I'm honest, there was. definitely. there's definitely been a lot of. resentment towards my mom um. over the years. Um. because. when my dad went away, like, you know, as my mom, you know, my mom's now, you. know, living a different life without. him, you know, naturally she's going to. get to a stage where she wants a new. boyfriend, a new new partner. She wants.

a life of her own, right? But. there's quite a few of those men that. came into her life. but. were horrible to me. You know, a. big part of that was because I was a. mixed-race kid and we lived in a, you. know, quite a racist area. So, you know, a lot of the. men. you know, didn't want me. They wanted my mom cuz my mom was.

lovely. How did you know they didn't want you? They just showed tell me. They would tell you? Yeah. It was like they'd just tell me how they. and they'd they'd. do things that. showed me. that they didn't want me. I I. I pretty much moved in with my. grandparents when I was 15. Like because the. the men. in my mom's life. just I wanted my mom to be happy.

But that came at. the sacrifice of my own happiness. It. mean It meant that she'd be happy cuz. she'd get the love maybe that she. thought she needed. But I felt like I lost my mom in the. process. So, there's been resentment. It's not been like. surf on the surface resentment, like, you know, I'd still see my mom at Christmas and. stuff like that, but we never really had. that the bond that I felt we should have. had. Um.

but. kind of. one of the things I got from from the. book is. I've had conversations with my mom that. I've never I've been too scared to have. And I've actually got to understand her. better. And. this is this is the wrong word, but. because ultimately she doesn't need. forgiveness cuz knowing her story, she. hasn't done things wrong in you know, she hasn't purposely done things wrong. for me to go, I forgive you, right? But.

there was. knowing what she'd been through like. it's it's in these conversations that. I've learned about some of the physical. abuse that my dad would do and that also. that other partners of hers would give. her and I think she'd been trapped in a. cycle of you know, you know, not. necessarily kind of picking the wrong. partners and just kind of trying to do. the same thing over and over again. expecting different results. You know, which uh. you know, you can't blame someone for. like.

I mean, I've come to learn from doing. this podcast and speaking to a lot of. psychologists that specialize on love. that we often seek out the form of love. that we grew up on and sometimes that's. an abusive form of love. So, many psychologists that I've spoken. to have alluded to this, but a few have. said this quite directly that if you. were at a very young age had an sort of. a toxic. um attachment with a maybe a figure in. your life, that there's a chance that. you'll then grow up and seek out toxic. attachments.

um in the cycle that you've described. We we tend to think that well, you know, we tend to think that. if we've been in a toxic situation when. we were younger, for example, that we'll. then seek out really, really healthy. situations cuz we know what bad looks. like. But in fact, I've been told that. it's often the opposite that we go back. to the cycle of love that we were. familiar with. Yeah. Familiarity seems to be the key word. Yeah, yeah. People find safety in. familiarity, even if that familiarity.

isn't actually safe. Mhm. Like Yeah, like. I can feel that. This book. this very small book. there's something about this these ideas. that seem to reach people when they're. in their. toughest moments. Step number one, we admitted we were. powerless. That our lives had become unmanageable. Step two, we came to believe that a. power greater than ourselves could.

restore us. to sanity. Have you had to admit you were. powerless? And have you started to believe in a. power greater than yourself? Oh, definitely. Um. I mean, I've felt powerless for years. Like. I know that. I'm not in control, like. my illness has debilitated me for so. long. But just when it always seemed to kind. of pop up, you know, when when I'm kind. of flying high when I feel like I'm.

untouchable, then suddenly I get a. little reminder that, you know, I'm fallible. I've got weaknesses, you. know, and. can't get above my station, so to speak. But. But yeah, I think. I think. that I've always. looked. for. the magic. in the wrong place.

And what I mean by that. is that. I've always looked. for the magic in me. to help me. out of whatever situation I was in. And what this book. opened up my mind. to the idea of. is the magic in other people. As you know, because I've been sent. thousands of messages, these. conversation cards sell out. exceptionally quick. So, here's the deal. I'm going to make with you. If you join.

the waiting list, which is in the. description below, you will get sent. access to buy these conversation cards 1. hour before anybody else. They're in. limited supply, so if you really do want. to get your hands on them, please do add. your name to the waiting list in the. description below. And you can find that. waiting list at. theconversationcards.com, but I'll also include it in the. description below wherever you're. listening to this episode. As you know, Whoop are a sponsor of this podcast, which came about from me being the. biggest fan of their product. It's been.

an absolute game-changer for my sleep, for my recovery, and for my overall. well-being. Whoop is a wearable device, this thing on my wrist right here if. you're watching me, that not only tracks. your health 24/7, but also guides you to. improve it. It's probably the perfect. gift for the person who has everything. or is impossible to buy for, which is. what my friends say to me, because it's. the kind of gift that keeps on giving, offering real-time benefits for their. health and their wellness forever. So, if you're on the hunt for the perfect. present for a loved one or a team member.

or even for you this festive season, I. would highly, highly recommend checking. out Whoop. And they've very kindly. offered our community here on the Diary. of a CEO a special discount just for. you, but keep this to yourself. If you. head over to join.whoop.com/ceo, you can. get that discount. Let me know. who you get one for and how they get on. You have a TV show coming out tonight, which is really your grand return to. the public stage. And that TV show is. called Dynamo is Dead, and it's.

appearing on Sky tonight, which is very, very exciting. And I guess this links to what you just. said about finding the magic in others, right? Yeah. Yeah. Why are you doing this? What is it? I just need to get magic back in my. life. Cuz that's the thing that I live for. And. over the last few years when I've been. working on myself, seeing. a different type of magic,

seeing magic in other people. is. what's. given me that spark back. And. the magic I've been seeing is not Dynamo. magic. You know, it's something different. It's. something that I'm feeling and I'm. finally feeling it again. In fact, I. feel like I'm feeling it for the first. time. Like.

Edward Sim, my therapist. He's a very successful therapist. He. doesn't need to offer me therapy for. free. But. he wanted to share some of his magic and. that started to rewire my mind. to. realize, "Whoa, like. there's some amazing people out there. who can. you know, who they can change lives. They're. changing mine.".

You know, when I saw you. 3 years ago, and we shared a candid conversation, you. know, about some of the things I was feeling. at the time. You first off listened to me. And there was no cameras around. It. wasn't like this, you know, it was just. you were you were present in the room. with me. And then not only did you listen, but. you.

you kind of helped. in a small way. And that was magic. You know, I don't know if anybody knows. who's watching this, but you are part of. my new show. Don't know if you told. anybody yet. Um, so you can also see you on the show. tonight um in a different way than maybe. they've used to seeing you. Definitely. But like your story, you know, like. I think. one of the things I realized for a lot. of people. from places like where I'm from.

speaking to a therapist seems like. the last thing. you would feel comfortable doing. You know, I'm. from a council estate. We're working. class. We're like, you know, if you. you're told. if you've got a problem, just suck it. up, you know, be a man. You can't talk. about your problems, you know, like. you've got to get on with it, you know. What's that expression that keep calm. and carry on, you know, that's it was. like.

it's kind of like instilled in us. I wanted to. show. people. from where I'm from. that. it's okay. to ask for help. It's okay to be broken. It's okay to not know the answers. And. I'm. not. too proud.

to go out there and. search for the answers. for people, you know, like. And I've gone around the world. using the. you know, the platform that I have, you know, I. I've. obviously as Dynamo. um the name opens doors. So, but. opening doors just for myself is. pointless. cuz. it's only feeding my own ego. But I.

realized that if I could. use that platform. to. speak to. individuals candidly. about. dealing with any type of trauma. dealing with not feeling good enough, dealing with all the things. that I felt that made me not want to be. alive anymore. then maybe that can. save. someone else's life.

And I know it's a grand. grandiose mission statement. I don't. take it lightly. I don't you know, I. like I can I'm barely saving my own life. at the minute. to you know, so. I don't want to like throw it so loosely. but you know but like I can save someone. else's life. No, but that's exactly what it does. That that is exactly what it does and. there are lives that you never really. get to see, but just even in sharing how. you felt and how you've risen from that.

This is exactly what Simon Gunning told. me. It does save people's lives. And in this new chapter of your life. following this show tonight called. Dynamo: A Celebration on Sky. you're going to continue to do that. And if there was ever a time and I think. this is why when you when you came up to. me at that event many a year ago and. started telling me a little bit about. your story. I think I probably said it to you then, but I'm not sure um if there's ever a. time when people need that. when they need a little bit of joy and. they need a little bit of escapism.

and they need a little bit of wonder and. they need their imagination to be. stretched into what is real and what is. possible and what is impossible. it is now. And you know that. You know that's what people need now. And that means. we need you now. I had the idea obviously to make this. show when we first started speaking. But when my nan died, I.

I realized then. that. the Dynamo as we know it. needed to die with her. And that. the only way to fully have closure. on that part of my life. was. if I actually bury myself alive. And. tonight.

after the show plays out. live on Sky, I'm going to be doing that. You're going to bury yourself alive? Mhm. In order to kill off the Dynamo. identity? Yeah. And yeah, I I mean, I haven't I haven't. put myself in that hole yet. Right. So, you know, what will. happen. after that point.

is hard to really kind of summarize. because. there's only been a few times in my life. where I've done like crazy like, you. know, endurance feats like this. And something in you changes when you do. them. You know, it's a. incredibly. scary thought. But. since I've thought about it, you know, since.

the 7th of May. 2021, I thought it's the only way to. move forward in my life. And. yeah, tonight. after the show finishes. you'll be able to see it live. But it's not for me. It's it's not like.

a stunt. It's not on. it's not about escaping. It's a cleansing. for me. And. I feel like it will be one of the most. incredible. scary things I've ever done. But. the thing I've learned over the last few. years. is that. I've got to stop being scared and just. start living my life.

I'm I'm both terrified and excited in. equal measure to watch the show tonight. I had no idea you were burying yourself. alive, so that's. terrifying, but I understand your. rationale. Um. and I'm very excited to see what. happens. Stephen. I would like to see some magic. if possible. Is there some magic you can show me.

right now? Yeah, do you want to get some of your. friends in as well? My team? Yeah. My team are upstairs. Um. Jack, could you bring the team. downstairs? What do you guys do here at DOAC? I am a video editor at DOAC. Nice. I'm head of trailers for the podcast. They're some good trailers as well. Thank you. Thank you. Uh I'm head of the bookings.

Do you want to mix some? You go for it. Go on, then. You want to as well? Some. of We'll split them. You can both mix. Yeah, yeah. Is this the best shuffling you've ever. seen? I mean, it's not bad. It's not the worst. Usually it's when you find a table and. you just do all that. Standard edition. here. Can I mix these others as well? Mix. these in. So, I'll I'll mix these all. together here. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know what? Let's just have. everybody pick one. We'll just We'll. just try this. So, take one out, Steven. Uh there we go.

And mine is There we go. Thank you. Don't let me see. I'll look down so I. can't see them. Just remember them and. maybe show them to the cameras so that. the people at home can remember them, too. Yeah. Cool. I'm going to I'm going to look up. now. Yeah. Yeah? I'll take this one first. It's one. Two. Three.

Four. I'll give them a. Give them a shuffle. I'll do one of those for you. Okay. Ooh. That is so cool. Oh my god. So, the first card and. That's one. King of diamonds. That's mine. That's your card. Fire. Name your card out loud. Four of spades. Four of spades. If I just take this and.

just. give it a little snap like that, we get. the four of spades. Yeah? So, um. Send two, I think. I've got IS THAT YOURS? AND THEN FOR STEVEN'S, INSTEAD OF. FINDING IT, I'LL just I'll make all the. other cards disappear. Even. What? Oh my god. Where'd they go? Where'd they go? When you When you look under your pillow. tonight. Yeah. They're They're They're going to be.

WOW. THAT IS UNREAL. UM. CRAZY. DON'T WORRY. I I did bring a spare deck. of cards just in case. Yeah. How many packs of cards do you have? I'm trying. I'm trying to cut down to two packs a. day. Take one. Thank you. And then Stephen, have you got a pen? Yeah. Can you write your name on the face of.

the card? On on the on this side. Yeah, on the. other side. And in fact pass it around. so all of you can sign it. Yeah. Oh my god these ones. I've seen these on. telly. Getting a few things I'm going to need. Perfect. Have you signed it as well? Yeah. Great. Place it.

right there face down. Yeah. Did you show the camera? No. Maybe show the camera real quick. Yeah. Perfect. So it's about halfway down. I've got a pound coin. Mhm. Do you want to check it out? I can confirm it's a real pound coin. And I've got a little piece of paper. I'm going to.

place it like this. In fact, um. you can see you can see clearly but the. card it's it's in the middle where you. placed it. That's that's not the card. Not on the top. Oh my god. What? That's going to be it isn't it? The bottom.

Do the coin. burns through the pack. Right through. It didn't go all the way through the. pack. You see, it stopped on one card. Take a look. You take a look. No. Oh my days.

What on earth is taking it? Jim. Yeah. Have you ever had a time in your life. where. you feel. people have got close to you, but then. they've almost like lured you into a. false sense of security, so that they can almost like manipulate. you and like pull your heartstrings. Do. you know what I mean? Have you ever had. that?

Ooh. Uh, didn't realize this was a dark. area. No. Um. Yeah, I guess I could say maybe. Okay. Someone. Okay, cool. Not not to be a person, I. think, but just like a time where you've. experienced that, where you maybe. Manipulation. Yeah. So, put your hand on my chest. And. I want you to start to describe the. types of emotions you'd feel when you. went through that sort of thing.

Insecurity. Lack of confidence. Um. Stupid. Stupid, okay. And then, I just want you to name a. color. Red. Red. Okay. So, imagine these feelings were attached to. a heartstring. A heartstring would be. red, right? You can. you feel that pressure, right? Yeah.

Slowly I'm just going to pull down my. top where your hand is. Oh. Oh, it's red string. What? See that? Oh my god. Can you see that, right? Oh my god, your chest. Oh my days. Just. Should I touch it? Yeah, touch You can touch It's my It's. my my It's. It's coming out my chest. Like you can. feel it on my chest, yeah? Yeah.

Take it. Oh god. What Take Pull it? Yeah. Slowly pull it out of my chest. Oh, it's a bit tight. Oh. Oh. Oh yeah. You're pulling on a dark string. Can you feel this? Mhm. Okay. Oh, sorry. More? Yeah. Is it going to come out? Pull it all the way, yeah.

Oh. Oh. Oh my god. Oh. Oh my god, this is FREAKING ME OUT. MORE? HOW long is the start string? That. long? Oh. THAT FEELS STICKY. WOAH. FOR ME,

MAGIC is about taking something. that. kind of doesn't exist, like a like a. little. a little spark in your mind, yeah? And then somehow. being able to bring it to life. I spent the last few years. not. feeling like I had the magic in me that. I really wanted to share. But, there was always. that fire somewhere deep inside of me.

dying to get out. So, can you take the lighter? Here we go again. And can you. put your hands together like this for. me? Light the lighter. Cuz I'm going to take fire. and from fire. you get. ice. OH MY GOD. WHAT?

OH, THAT'S ACTUAL ICE. AS you guys know, I'm a big fan of Huel. I'm an investor in the company, and they. sponsor this podcast. And what I've done. for you, I put together what I call the. Huel Steven bundle, which is a selection. of my favorite products from Huel, including the black edition salted.

caramel flavor, which is super high in. protein and has 17 servings per. container, my favorite Huel bottle here, which comes with my bundle, and also the. brand new and very exciting Huel. complete nutrition bars. This is. chocolate caramel. You can see from the. empty box in front of me that I've eaten. most of them, right? Me and my team. here. If you leave these on the counter. for 5 seconds, they'll go. I'm going to. say something I've never said. When Huel. first made their bar many, many years. ago, I tried it and I didn't like it. So, I've never talked about it on this. podcast. They've spent roughly the last.

2 to 3 years making a brand new bar, which I absolutely love, and that's why. I now talk about it because it's a. product that I eat. If you want to order. them yourself and get started on your. Huel journey, the link is in the. description below. In this podcast. episode, wherever you're listening to. it, there'll be a Steven's bundle link. and check it out. Do you need a podcast to listen to next? We've discovered that people who liked. this episode also tend to absolutely. love another recent episode we've done. So, I've linked that episode in the. description below. I know you'll enjoy.

it.