Dr Rangan Chatterjee: 3 Steps To "Core" Happiness | E129

i internalize this idea that unless i. get a hundred percent unless i win. i'm not good enough i'm not loved doctor. and broadcaster doctor wrong and. chatterjee your first book was a huge. success my guest today is the perfect. guest it's a really big honor to have. you on my podcast. my son janam getting sick at six months. old changed the course of my career you. see we need to evolve the way that we. practice medicine sleep deprivation is. associated with pretty much every single. chronic disease we have compared to. about 60 years ago we may have lost up.

to 25 of our sleep the way. society is set up now is making us. lonely we've moved away for work we've. moved away from our families we don't. have the tribes around us and it's very. very damaging for our health it took me. ages to figure this out the dots i think. you can always make a change right you. can use these. moments of diversity in your life to. teach you something it's the best. journey you'll ever take but it's a. journey it's not a one hit. the first step in any change is.

so without further ado. i'm stephen butler and this is the diary. of a ceo i hope nobody's listening but. if you are. then please keep this to yourself. [Music]. dr rongan chatterjee. i am i have to say i have to stop this. conversation by saying it's a really big. honor to have you on my podcast because. you are someone when i started taking my.

podcast seriously who i looked up to and. admired for so many reasons not because. you are you've really kind of paved the. way for these long-form conversations in. the uk. but because you have the same very. similar subject matter and apparent. interest in the conversations you have. with your guests to the point that it. inspired me in a really big way to start. this platform and so when um when i. found out that you were coming in today. it felt like you know it felt like a bit. of a felt like christmas day for me. because the the conversations you have. are the things that i.

would spend my spare time. sort of um watering my brain with so. thank you first and foremost for coming. in today it's a huge huge privilege i. receive and i appreciate you saying that. and and likewise i feel really honoured. and excited to come on your show because. i think long-form conversation matters. and i don't there's that many people in. the uk. doing it like you are like i am and um. you know i think you're doing great. things with your shows so i'm i'm i'm. really excited just to have a long.

conversation with you i don't know where. it's going to go. but um yeah thanks for having me so take. me back to the foundations who who were. you. so i grew up in the northwest of england. and. you know mum and dad were immigrants. from india you know dad came over in. 1962 for a better life to the uk mum. came over in 1972 i grew up got an older. brother. and. you know like many immigrant families. education was.

king. right it was about get good grades at. school go to a good university get a. good job. right that was the. kind of drive from home my experience. was very much. man the culture at school was really. different from the culture at home. and i didn't really think much of it at. the time but you know now in my early. 40s looking back and reflecting as i've. done. for this new book is. that was incredibly problematic.

in many ways because. you end up pretending. to be somebody you're not. in order to fit in. and i can see now that's been a pattern. for most of my life i've not been myself. i've tried to be someone else i've. i've tried to. do things to get validation and love. from other people and. i've got to say it's only been in the. last years where i've managed to kind of.

let that go. another piece there which i think is. really relevant to your question is. because education was such. a big thing. you know because mum and dad dad in. particular so much discrimination he. faced. right when he came here in his job he. had to change career change speciality. as a doctor because he just couldn't. advance and so ultimately he ended up. moving to a speciality he didn't like he. didn't enjoy. to give his family security.

so what do they want to do they want. their children to not have to go through. that. so. i grew up with this kind of idea that. i'm only loved. when i'm top of the class right i'd come. home if i got 99 in an exam my mum would. say why didn't you get 100. what if i came out. uh with 19 out of 20 in a test okay what. happened why didn't you get 20. now what's really interesting about that. is i'm not criticizing my parents right.

i love my parents i think they've. brought me up really well. but it but it speaks to a situation. there's different perceptions right so. i spoke to mum recently i said hey mom. why. why did you ask me those questions you. know why did you push me so hard. and she said to me because i knew you. were capable i wanted you to be the best. that you could be. so mom did it with me from a place of. love right she wanted the best for me. but walk around to the other side of. that story i internalize this idea that.

unless i get 100. unless i win. i'm not good enough i'm not loved. and i can now see that drove me my. entire life this need for. external validation what are other. people saying about you people say nice. things you feel good people say nasty. things you are literally broken inside. so. you know a lot there that i've come to. terms with over the past few years but. for me understanding that i can go back. and rewrite those stories put a.

different. perspective on all those events. has given me this real sense of freedom. calm contentness. and ultimately. you know it's resulted in me feeling. really really happy. one of the things you. you've said is that. you believe the purpose of life is. really finding out who you are because. once you find out who you are then you. can go on the journey of finding out. what is what it is you want so my. question for you is. what did you then pursue as a.

consequence of believing that external. validation was. true validation that was true truly your. purpose what was your. how were you misguided or led astray. yeah so i went to. university at edinburgh at edinburgh. medical school you know left home having. the time of my life partying you know. whatever you know people when they they. get that sort of sense of freedom for. the first time. a lot of my uni life was spent playing. in bands right so music is a big part of. who i am what i do.

um you know so i'd be practicing layers. we'll be playing loads and loads of gigs. and then it all changed i must have been. 20 21. i think mum phoned me at like 10 30 at. night and said hey look dad's in. intensive care the doctors don't think. he's gonna. make it through the nights can you come. back home and i remember seeing dads in. the incentive care unit and you know he. ended up surviving the nights. his kidneys failed he went on kidney. dialysis for the next 15 years but. basically. dad getting ill changed.

the trajectory of my adult life so yes i. was in edinburgh i finished off i worked. there for a couple of years but my mind. was always back in the northwest. and i moved back to the northwest which. is one of the reasons i live there now. to help my mum and my brother look after. dad and it was incredibly stressful. particularly in the last years before. dad i had really really stressful and i. would i would escape periodically so. coming back to your question about how. does that impacted me i wanted to do. well like i got my specialist exams i.

uh want i got good jobs in prestigious. hospitals right i got those things i. thought that's what i'm doing i'm doing. the right thing. and then when dad died in 2013 march. 2013. it was like there was a big hole in my. life and so. i would just go walking. i was just trying to make sense of. everything and the truth is the amount i. learnt from dad's death. was just profound i'm not sure i would. have learned these things i was asking.

myself whose life are you really leading. i don't regret any of it. now that dad's not here i'm glad i spent. so much time with him. but i think it was a real cost to me. my inner peace my inner well-being. and dad's death here's the irony stephen. the things that my dad would have been. proudest of right. indian immigrant to the uk his son with. his own bbc one show in 2015 2016 right. his son with four sunday times. bestsellers dad would have.

literally. been phoning all the relatives you know. being the embarrassing dad telling. everyone dad never got to see any of it. but i know if that was still alive. i'd be doing none of it. why. if i was still in the mindset that i was. when my dad was sick. i wouldn't have any time to engage in. this stuff like life. if there's anyone listening to this. who's a carer for someone in their life. they'll know what i'm talking about you. you don't have time you don't have.

physical time you don't have mental. space. it just. it encompasses the entirety of your life. you're just trying to keep your head. above water you're just. trying to. get through day to day. you are fire fighting so i wouldn't have. had the. the physical time but also. i think a lot of what i'm able to give. to people these days. through books through podcasts through. you know one-on-one with patients. is the learnings you know that the. learnings i've acquired.

from going through dad's death from. going through that pain from coming out. the other side from going what can i. learn from this. so. i'm not sure. if what i would have had to offer people. back then would have been. as valuable as what i feel i have to. offer them now. why did you choose medicine was that. again part of this broader thing of. thinking that was success and that would. be. that would satisfy parents or you know.

society because again there's a bit of a. stereotype isn't there there with a. indian immigrant coming over and you. know when i sit here with um people from. that that background typically the. narrative is and to be fair in my case. as well as an african immigrant that. successes doctor lawyer. etc. 100. you know. it is a stereotype but but it's largely. true for many families you know. as an indian immigrants child in the uk.

the three careers that generally are. available to you are dots a lawyer. engineer. that's what is valued. of course just to be clear that's not. every single family but just by and. large. i think that's true. but i tell you this stephen i know loads. of them who are so unhappy as doctors. so unhappy they compensate for the. tedium of their work. right by getting smashed on a friday and. saturday nights.

right and they wonder why they can't. give up boozing or why they enjoy it so. much well because that's a symptom. it's not the drinking isn't the problem. the drinking is a symptom. you don't enjoy your job. you've gone into the wrong career. because you thought it was what you. should do sometimes you're stuck now in. your 30s you've got a mortgage. you know you've got. a lease on your car you feel trapped. but you can free yourself from that trap.

you you absolutely can but you have to. be honest you have to get to know who. you currently are now. before you've got any hope. of becoming the person that you i didn't. want to be. it's so unbelievably true in every way i. mean so much of that i can relate to for. so many reasons and. you know you were talking there about. your your almost your parents missed. place love what you've clearly managed. to figure out later in your life is that. actually came from a place of love yeah. that's why i call it misplaced love. because they were trying to protect you.

because they loved you. but it turns out that. that. misplaced love what it's doing is it's. stopping you from being your truest self. and the long term consequences of that. when you end up living someone else's. life is what you've spoken to there the. symptoms of. addiction and drinking and impulsive. behavior that we see in people so my. overall conclusion there was this urgent. need as soon as possible in your life to. get in touch with exactly who you are.

and defend it at all costs. at all if you can do it at 16 if you're. 45 and listening to this. now is the the second best time yeah i. mean. i've got so much to say on that um. you're never too late. to start on this journey. but how does someone start on that. journey right. i think it comes down to. values. right. values is what. i think what sews it all up together.

right so. you know for this new book i've created. this new model of happiness i call core. happiness. so core happiness has three components. alignment contentment and control we can. talk about those if you want. but one of those legs is alignment. alignment is when. your. inner values and your external actions. are the same when the person who you. want to be inside and the person you are. actually being in the world are one and.

the same that's one component it's not. everything but it's one component. so if someone has heard what we're. talking about say okay i want to start. i'm not living the life that i want to. lead but i don't know where to start. there's this exercise in the book called. the identity menu and the goal is really. that you. go through and i picked number three. because i think it's quite a um a. realistic number for people out of the. list of all these possible identities. and values. which three do you think.

feel. kind of the most true to you and i've. been doing this for a little while and. the three that have been pretty static. with me for the past few months now i'd. say and they're right at the top of my. instagram profile because i think this. is what i want to give to the world and. say let's. lead with our values. integrity curiosity and compassion. so this is who i am. right i'm not. a doctor i'm not a father.

now i i really i think this is such an. important point that i've been thinking. a lot about the last few years. i have a role as a doctor i have a role. as a father but it's not who i am. because when we cling too tightly to our. identities. we put ourselves in a very fragile. position let's say. you know i go over i'm the doctor you. know i'm dr chatterjee you know when i i. sort of absorb that and i think that's. who i am then what happens.

if i get fired. right what happens if i get sick and i. can't work as a doctor what happens when. i retire this this is real this happens. to people they lose their sense of who. they are. what about my role as a father. right. to be really clear. me bringing up my kids well is one of. the most important things to me more. important than my work 100. but being a good father is not who i am. if i cling too tightly to that what. happens. when my kids are teenagers.

and they get annoyed and they call me a. crap dad. i've seen this happen i've had patients. come in. say oh they call me a crap mom but you. know that's all i do i i do everything. for them i've given everything up for. them it's like wait a minute. you are much more than your roles. you know let's talk about cars right. you said when you were 20 you wrote down. what you wanted right. there's nothing wrong with having a nice. car. the problem comes for your happiness at. least. when you identify.

with that car where that car says. something about you and the problem is. you drive around i don't mean you one. drives around in their flash. bmw let's say. and they think you know that says. something about me who i am what i'm. saying if you lose your job what happens. if you prang it what happens if you have. a divorce and you can't afford it. anymore. you go from what i call core happiness. to junk happiness junk happiness is what. many of us think happiness is. right we think it's that momentary hit.

of pleasure. you know buying something online. instagram uh chocolate bar uh hit of. booze right these things can be. pleasurable things they may have their. role from time to time but don't mistake. that for being. real core happiness. core happiness is i think what we are. chasing but i think we misdefine it we. think it's something it's not happiness. it's not a destination that we one day. get to right it's a direction that you.

can choose to take in life it's a choice. right. i heard your conversation with mo in the. hotel room last night which was. fantastic so good. and i agree with what you and me was. saying happiness is a choice. when you understand what happiness. really is what is it. it's not a thing. that you can get to. it's not something that you can. pursue directly it's something that.

ensues when you do. the right things. and the right things for me. are when you focus on the three. i call call happiness this three-legged. stool alignment contentment control you. can apply it to anything in life i i. think that's what happiness is and i. think we are pursuing it like people say. we shouldn't be. we shouldn't be going after happiness we. should be going after meaning have you. heard that yeah yeah all the time right.

i have a different perspective. meaning and purpose. is really important no question. but i don't think that's happiness it's. meaning. right. it's a necessary ingredient. for happiness but it's not happiness in. and of itself and i don't mean to be. controversial but let's say. um. a soldier fighting in world war ii. against the nazis. right. one might make the case that.

that has meaning. it doesn't mean they're happy hundred. percent right so meeting hummus is. subtly different have you heard of the. japanese concept of ikigai yes yeah yeah. right i love ikigai this idea that. um. you know we should be looking we not. should be but we could be looking for. something in our life that we enjoy. that we're good at. that's what the world needs. and what pays us money. right the kind of holy grail does it. were and i remember writing about this. in my second book on stress i remember.

the book came out and i was in london i. was giving. a talk. and at the end of the talk we were doing. q and a. i remember the back right of the hall. this young lady had a hand up and she. said dr shastaji. i'm an 18 year old japanese student. living in london. i've grown up with the concept of ikigai. my entire life and frankly i found it. demoralizing demotivating too high a bar. for me to get to. and that stuck with me mate because i.

thought since then okay that's so. interesting because i love this concept. of icky guy. she grows up with it and finds it. off-putting. i think the problem with. these grand ideas of meaning purpose. ikigai. as much as i like them. they're not for everyone someone someone. might be hearing that in a call center. right now they don't like their job. they're doing it and they're like what. icky guy you're kidding me mate i just. want to get through and and pay the. bills right so i think i bring it all.

back is this core happiness store that. i've created is it applicable in all. situations i think it is because if you. look at it through the lens of what. we're talking about this comes under. alignment. so that chat working in the call center. they do the exercise and they figure out. kindness is something that's really. important to them. then. if on the way to work. they stop in the coffee shop and they're. kind to the barista. they get on the bus to work and they're. kind to the bus driver they go to the.

job they don't particularly like but. they are kind to their colleagues and. their boss. they're living an aligned life they're. living with meaning it doesn't mean that. the job that they're in currently is the. job that they love and they're going to. be in forever but they're living in. harmony with who they are and that's. going to mean that meaning and purpose. come naturally as a byproduct. so i want people to really focus on. alignment. it's one pillar of happiness and i think. your meaning and purpose will come can. you talk to me about control as well.

i thought long and hard about this word. control. and i am denied was it the right word to. use and i spoke to some of my patients i. suspect some of my friends. i don't really think it is when we. understand it's about what are the. things that i can do. in my life that gives me a sense of. control we know from the scientific. research when you have a sense of. control. right you have better relationships you. have longer relationships you're.

healthier you have lower stress levels. you live longer. so it's that sense of control and and. that could mean many things to to. different people you know for me. i'm really big on morning routines right. i know for me if i get up early if i. have time to myself to have a little. routine. i've i've almost got this like resilient. bubble around me doesn't matter what's. going on in the world doesn't matter how. bad work may or or may not get that day. i've got an element of control because.

i've i've sort of nurtured that routine. for myself so that's one that's one way. that people can think about control and. another way people might want to think. about control is. there's a and there's a chapter in the. book called talk to strangers. which is basically this idea that. actually. relationships are very important of. course but there's kind of two different. kinds of relationships that are the deep. nurturing intimate relationships but. there's also the. there's also those kind of. almost trivial interactions that we have.

day to day. right so when you say hi to the barista. or you know i said hi to your work. colleagues when i got here. those little things. they are not trivial there's a network. in your brain called the sociometer. right it's constantly detecting. your external world for threats and when. it receives positive information like a. smile like a you know a bit of a nod a. handshake. you know it it sort of relaxes you your.

stress levels go down you feel a sense. of connection with the world around you. coming back to control. you feel that the external world is safe. i've got degree of control there is. order in the world let's focus. on these simple things you can do each. day if you. say hi to the amazon delivery driver and. smile at them say thank you to the. barista and say a few nice words to them. say hi to the bus driver and smile at. them thank the postmen.

you are working on your happiness. you know it seems trivial but it's not. the research is so so clear right. because it gives you a sense of control. second pillar of the three. and we've got to touch on the third. pillar before i start getting into all. of these topics because so it's so. interesting that these are the things. that you know we're talking about today. because i think i spent all weekend. um reading about studies on the. importance of you call it the sociometer. in the brain but just that that thing. that connects you with.

your tribe but please do get into the. third point which i think you said was. contentment contentment yeah yeah. contentment is. about feeling calm and that sense of. peace when you're at peace with your. life and you're at peace with your. decisions so what things in your life. give you that sense of contentment. and i really feel it's these three. things. when you put them all together. the side effect of doing them. is you're happy yeah right but but also.

happiness is not. often what we think it is that that big. billboard image of the. the happy family on the beach with a. smile on their face in the ocean behind. them right. that to me. is not happiness that's a pleasurable. experience yeah it can form part of a. happy life. but that's not happiness you can be sad. and happy. the way i look at happiness core. happiness.

i was thinking about this last week i. was chatting to someone who. who was going through grief. you know someone very close to them had. died. and you know we were having a really. long deep conversation. but they were present with their grief. and they were able to share with me. exactly how they were feeling no masks. on at all in terms of these kind of. metaphorical masks that we put on. they were just being themselves.

that's called happiness. because they're aligned. right their inner thoughts are i feel. sad upset. frustrated for my loss. and their external actions. are completely aligned with that. so i kind of feel. really what happiness is about. is living an intentional life. it's about taking the time to understand. who you are. defining for yourself what happiness is.

or what success looks like not using. society's definition you post a few days. ago don't use society's definition of. fun. right that's a great post you know just. because society says to have fun you. need to go to a bar have loud music on. and get drunk well if you like to sit at. home in the bath reading a good book. that that's great if you don't that's. fine as well but it's got to be you it's. your values so. i can't tell someone what they need to.

necessarily do in all aspects of their. life to be happy. but be intentional about your life. my girlfriend came upstairs yesterday. when i was having a shower and she said. to me that she tried the heel protein. shake which lives on my fridge over. there and she said it's amazing low. calories you get your 20 odd grams of. protein you get your 26 vitamins and. minerals and it's nutritionally complete. in the protein space there's lots of. things but it's hard to find something. that is nice especially when consumed. just with water and that is. nutritionally complete and that has.

about 100 calories in total while also. giving you your 20 grams of protein. if you haven't tried the cured protein. product do give it a try the salted. caramel one if you put some ice cubes in. it and you put it in a blender and you. try it is as good as pretty much any. milkshake on the market just mixed with. water it's been a game changer for me. because i'm trying to drop my calorie. intake and i'm trying to be a little bit. more healthy with my diet so this is. where heel fits in my life thank you for. making a product that i actually like.

the salted caramel is my favorite i've. got the banana one here which is the one. my girlfriend likes but for me salted. caramel is. the one. you know when people give um advice in. their books and you know when i do it. online with my content there's something. which i. realize. has to be done first so as much as you. could have told me to get into alignment. the the counter force that was saying. that was this deep sense of. insecurity and that piece of work i had. to do as you describe it to heal first.

before i could start looking with a. clear view. at um the way i was living my life. because if you'd asked steve butler at. 18 years old what his values were. you know he would have said lamborghini. next question he would have said money. right i know there's not even values but. that's what he would have said right so. i'm interested to know how you think. someone can go on the journey of healing. um and understanding themselves in. self-awareness which i think is the. foundation and all the pillars you. mentioned of happiness. it's a great question um.

i don't think it's going to be. you listen to this. conversation you watch it on youtube you. get the book whatever i don't think it's. that you do that and then you're like oh. i've got it i've figured it out now i. know my values okay great no this is a. journey. it's the best journey you'll ever take. but it's a journey it's not a one hit. the first step in any change. is awareness. all behaviors serve and needs.

where every behavior we have is there. for a reason. you can't just i can't tell the patient. you should drink less alcohol. without helping them understand. why do they need to be drinking that. alcohol in the first place. right it took me ages to to figure this. out the dots i think why why why am i. struggling why do they stop for two. weeks then they they get back on the. horse it's like. oh we've not dealt with the underlying. needs it's like new year's resolutions.

right. no one has a problem going spinning four. times a week for the first two weeks in. january. but third week fourth week. when life gets busy and life gets. stressed or they can give up booze for a. couple of weeks. and they just can't keep it going it's. like you know i need it to unwind from. my work day that's because your alcohol. consumption. is a symptom. of the way you're living your life if. you want to change that you can try and. white knuckle it and reduce it. sure you might be successful for a short.

period of time but you'll always go back. unless you. understand the behavior. same thing kind of works for food. cravings a lot of the time so someone's. listening to this and they go okay i. want to know what to do. but even if they're starting to. challenge themselves already and go. you know i'm pretty interested what. these two guys are saying you know i. don't kind of know what my values are. but. i've got a feeling that i'm not living. life in accordance with them like i. think i'm chasing the wrong stuff but i. don't quite know what to do about that.

even that awareness is progress. right so i think it's really important. we we can't always just find out get to. the solution go and live happy lives it. doesn't work like that. so step one is awareness now if you have. that awareness. and you want to go further. a simple thing you might want to do is. what i call the identity menu in the. book you might literally want to. try and write down three values or even. one value start with one right start. with one right just write down one value.

and then. in a week's time ask yourself how often. in that week did you live in accordance. with that how often in that week did you. live. in a way that was not in harmony with. that okay it's not about beating. yourself up it's not about holding. yourself to this. unattainable ideal it's just ask. yourself the question just gently start. compassionately probing. what's going on. right so i think that's a useful. exercise and build up to three values if. you can. and you know these things need.

reassessing the other exercise i like. which i think is really practical. it's got two parts it's called define. your happiness habits. and write your happy ending right and if. if you want we could try actually just. do it if you're right for us. so i would ask you stephen. think of three things. that really bring you a sense of. happiness deep calm and contentment and. make you really feel good. um. so i think one of them which i've. actually read about in your book is. about.

serving others and helping others. it feels to me like a. a happiness rush or a sense of. fulfillment or contentment that i can't. seem to get anywhere else the other one. is like pursuing my artistic interests. so things like when i can see my djing. equipment over in the corner there when. i do my djing or when i give give time. to myself to write or create okay i call. that like expression that's like yeah um. and then i think the third one is is. what i think you call in your book like.

movement. so moving so um. exercise when i go to the gym and i and. i'm not sure why that is because this. might fit into a number of categories. because in in part it's like meditative. when i'm on the running machine or on. the peloton it's really meditative on. the other part it's has there's. obviously physiological impacts and. biological impacts of the exercise and. then on the third part it might just be. because i'm giving time to myself so i'd. say those are the three that came to. mind straight away yeah okay so you've. you've picked what i call three. happiness habits yeah right so each week.

and please correct me if i've. misinterpreted any of this. um each week if you could do something. that serves others. if you could engage in your artistic um. passions. and you could do a form of movement you. enjoy yeah there are three things that. would give you you know real sense of. happiness so i believe. okay no no i i think they probably are. and i'll share my name it's just second. seconds let's get to the second part of. the exercise. okay it's called write your happy ending. so. imagine now you're on your deathbed yeah.

okay so at the end of this is it right. look back on your life. what are three things you will want to. have done so that's really interesting. because it's funny because the answers. are different. um one of them is definitely about. connecting with others my friends so. like my friends my family my niece. that's like that's in fact so central to. my happiness. um the third is helping others that. gives me a real sense of um that i spent. my time in a worthwhile way.

and. sorry the second and the third would be. the third is a as a personal one it's. the feeling that i've i've. done my potential. justice yeah lived up to your potential. lived up to my potential done myself. justice yeah yeah. i love them i mean first of all thanks. for sharing that. um. so what's really interesting when you do. the second part now. you can go back. and redo the first one and. what's really beautiful i think there's. i think there's a real deceptive.

simplicity. with this exercise it gives you the sort. of granular. day-to-day. look at your life and happiness and it. gives you the 30 000 foot kind of big. picture view and you can see if they're. aligned so if you do the three happiness. habits each week doing something for. someone else. sorry serving others. engaging creatively. and um. uh you know moving. will that get you to your happy ending. no.

so i was missing one you're missing one. yeah the relationship piece yeah exactly. yeah and so this is not about catching. anyone out this is something i think we. can all benefit from myself including on. a regular basis. it doesn't mean you can automatically. change the entire trajectory of your. life but it does mean this is about. intention right it's like if that's what. the goal is at the end. well like for me. i know. three happiness habits for me are what. number one spending undistracted time.

with my wife and my children each week. that's really important. number two doing something that helps. improve the health and well-being of. others. really important number three. having time. to pursue things that i'm passionate. about that's kind of my three. i'm doing the the. the final piece the 30 000 foot yeah so. i know. each week then for happiness habits if i. have let's say five meals.

around the dinner table with my wife and. kids. that's. where there's no phones and we're. totally undistracted and in the moment. right i know that i'm i'm doing that. i know if i record an episode of my. podcast each week i know that i'm doing. something that's going to improve the. lives of other people. and if i have time to. i don't know play guitar play snooker um. you know whatever you know i've got all. kinds of creative passions. each week then i know that if i just.

consistently do that just a little bit. each week i'm getting to the happy. ending that i want. and for that person who may be listening. to this and struggling that may be. something else that they can start doing. you know and what's really interesting. stephen is we think we think we're all. quite different there was a study from. last year which showed us that actually. despite all our differences we feel as. if we're being our true authentic selves. when we're being kind. compassionate. doing things for others enthusiastic.

presence and in the moment right all of. us and what i love about these exercises. they really bring awareness and. attention to your life you could say. yeah i really value health i really. value my health and well-being and then. they can assess their life and go i do. nothing each week to support that i say. that's who i am but i'm not. you can say as i did for many years i. valued my friends you know what i got so. busy with work i wasn't making time to. see them. and again it's not about beating. yourself up this is really really.

important point this is about honesty. and awareness right you're never going. to become the person who you want to be. until you know who is the person you are. right now it's not about guilt it's not. about shame it's about just transparency. going okay all right i'm not aligned at. the moment okay fine no problem i'm. going to take one step this week i'm. going to. make an effort once a week i'm going to. phone one of my best mates just for 10. minutes. just to say hi. even that. is.

it's helping you become more aligned. it's helping you get to that happy. ending so. you know maybe there's some useful stuff. in there for people to kind of take and. actually start applying it's so funny. because when you said that exercise. you know i could spend a lot of time as. i think i have in the past trying to. figure out who i was and the techniques. are complicated and they're largely. influenced by um. who society thinks i should be and what. my values are the minute i did that. exercise it was so clear. it was so unbelievably easy to do and so.

clear and then as you said when we. zoomed out to my deathbed and said like. what are the things in your last days. that you're going to value. to to see how obvious it was that i'd. left out something so. so so fundamentally important which is. like my friends my family my. relationships. in my sort of you know the things that. make me happy was like alarming to me it. was like how are you not. living in alignment mentally how how did. you not know that that was so. fundamental. i think you just beautifully illustrate. seeing that we can see it yeah.

brilliantly in other people oh hundred. percent man i could see and you i could. see it in my patients but you know what. it's pretty hard sometimes to put the. mirror up and see it in yourself. do you know what i mean. i think the other you know i think you. you've asked a brilliant question what. can that person do. i think the other the other thing. and probably. arguably the biggest this is the biggest. thing i think that's had the most impact. on my happiness and wider health over. the past years. is this understanding. of perspective.

that there are multiple perspectives. on the same situation and i think it's a. really important point for people to get. so let's say someone's stuck in their. life. i think look i don't know what to do i'm. trapped here right uh i i don't know i. get up i go to work you know i try and. look after my family you know i don't. know this stuff about values and all. that kind of stuff okay fine. if you just forget all that stuff for a. moment and go okay let me just see if i. can start broadening my perspective.

because once you start broadening your. perspective and start seeing things from. somebody else's perspective it changes. everything so one of the ways i do this. is to understand that. this phrase. yeah i'll go as far as this. this phrase has had the most impact on. my health and happiness above anything. else. if i was the other person. i would be doing exactly the same as. them. again a very simple phrase but when you. really really get it you're basically.

saying if i was that person. with their childhood. their. parents. with their life experiences. i would be acting in exactly the same. way as them. and if you think you wouldn't i would i. would. very gently invite you to consider that. this may be your ego talking. if they could act differently they would. and what that does is it brings such a. deep sense of compassion to every single.

day of your life you can start to have a. perspective for them for example it. could be maybe their daughter was sick. last night and up and they didn't get. much sleep maybe they think they're. going to lose their job when they're. they're late for work right whatever it. is it doesn't matter the truth doesn't. matter right for your happiness the. truth i would say doesn't matter. again i don't mean to be controversial. but i think some people will take that i. think that's quite controversial you're. a football fan right there was a study. done. football match one incident. right um two sets of fans they were.

interviewed about the incidents. both of them. had a completely different perspective. on the same incident. right you we all know that there's a. foul or you know one team that's. definitely foul that's a foul and a. yellow card the other side that was. nothing you didn't touch him he died we. know that anyone who's got a partner. right or had a partner. you have a row you have a disagreement. well depending on which side at the. table you're sitting on you have a. completely different perspective of the. same situation. right so i say in any situation choose a.

happiness story. right i'll give you another example. one of the most profound conversations i. have ever had on my podcast was with. this lady called edith eager. when i spoke to her last year she was 93. years old. at the age of 16. she was getting ready that evening she. had a date with her boyfriends. knock on the door. her parents her and her sister get put. on a train taken to auschwitz.

within a couple of hours of getting. there. edith's parents get murdered. somehow she gets through. the next few years she survives what she. has taught me. is that. you can always create a different story. on any single event. she said when she was in auschwitz she. was totally free. the prisoners they were free.

they were the ones who won't be able to. act and behave the way that they wanted. to they were trapped in her mind she was. free. after her parents had died she had to. dance for the guards. right. and she said the last thing my mom said. to me. was edith nobody can ever take away from. you what you put inside your mind. so she's dancing there she knows her. parents are dead but in her mind. she said. wrong and i was dancing in budapest.

opera house. there was a full orchestra there's full. crowds i was dancing there. right the other thing she said to me. is i've been in auschwitz but i can tell. you the greatest prison. you will ever live in is the prison you. create inside your minds. so. for people who are listening who. struggle to forgive. who struggle to see the other side who. see someone. put a tweet up and then spend an hour. getting agitated and frustrated.

i. humbly. suggest to you if edith eager can write. a different story. in the hell of auschwitz. i kind of feel. we probably can as well. it's so true that. the greatest harm we cause to ourselves. is is our own. negative or illogical or. self-harming stories as you were saying. that i was thinking about even the. stories i've i've told myself in the.

last 24 hours or the last week which. have like tormented me mentally in the. sense of they've just like bothered me. unnecessarily and how much of a choice. it was for me to focus on those stories. if you know what i mean like. as you say like someone tweeting. something or leaving a comment and then. that you then give. 48 hours of your happiness to just this. when you could as you've expressed so. eloquently choose compassion for the. person and. you know you could you could choose to.

try and find the best intentions in any. behavior right yeah. the way i i put it in the book there's a. little section called make everyone a. hero. i think it's such a great sentiment in. life whenever something happens you. don't like make them a hero. make them a hero i challenge people try. that for seven days if your life has not. been improved in any way fine forget it. say the guy was splashing nonsense i'm. not interested i'm getting back to my. cynical nature i'm gonna see the worst. in everyone right fine.

it's up to people make them a hero the. person who cuts you up find a way to. make them a hero in your heads. right. march 2020 what happened. everything's getting locked down. toilet roll shortage on the shelves. right so what do people do now i. understand that was a very unique. situation people are getting triggered. people are getting scared i understand. that but let's look at what was. happening. people were bad mouthing um who are. these people who are taking all these. toilet rolls it's so inconsiderate you.

know they shouldn't be doing that okay. okay fine. let's just see could we write a. different story what might have happened. well it could be that every shopper that. day. took one extra roll and so by the end of. the day when the tv cameras came in. no one actually did anything that bad. they just took one extra roll. and the supermarket stock was all. planned around. average. shopping habits and behaviors okay. um it could be. that someone was really really scared. and anxious and let's say they've got.

ulcerative colitis and they have to go. to the toilet 20 times a day and they're. petrified so maybe they did go and buy. ten packs or maybe let's take it to. another extreme maybe. someone is skint. right they've got no money they've got. no prospects in life they thought you. know what i can make a fortune here. right so i'm gonna get them all i'm. gonna sell them on ebay okay. whatever you think. of that if you can have compassion for.

that person and understand if i was them. i'd be doing the same thing. it changes everything it changes your. physiology it changes your perspective. and why i think that's so powerful. particularly now more than ever stephen. like we. seemingly we're in a very divided and. toxic world. right seemingly. what we need is more compassion. right but how do you get compassion we. can't just say. you know i want to be more compassionate. that can work for some people use this.

right. make them a hero. ask say to yourself if i were them i'd. be doing the same thing. you know it really helps humanity it. helps you feel better individually but. it will help connect you with people. around you people who've got different. views and perspectives it allows you to. sit alongside them so this is probably. one of the things that i use the most. along with which sort of goes along with. this. um. and this is sort of the big heading in. chapter 5 of the book it's called seek. out friction.

right look this is when you become a. master of your own happiness. right. the whole goal of my work at the moment. is to. i don't want. people to be dependent on the actions of. other people for them to be happy right. if you constantly getting triggered and. and frustrated by the tone of your. colleagues emails or the way that your. partner is talking to you right. if you're waiting for them to change in.

order for you to be happy. well you could be waiting a long time if. we go back to my core happiness stool. you've lost control you have no control. because you're dependent on other people. so. i. talk about this as social friction. right just as in in the gym you know you. can do physical friction you can push up. you can press up against your body and. you get stronger i'm saying you can. press up against other people and also. get stronger so every time you get. triggered i actually do this i do this.

every single day. let's say let's say social media. let's say you get a negative comment. let's say i get negative comments. in the past five years ago when i you. know was first on bbc one about seven. years ago now actually. um i would have got triggered got so. frustrated i would have felt really bad. what's going on why is this happening. you know all i'm trying to do is help. people would have created this narrative. now. it's like ah. why is this triggering me. is there some truth to it that i can. learn from.

or is it because the other person's. having a bad day and they're taking it. out on me. and you become a master if you practice. this every day right because what. happens is that you take control over. your inner. thoughts you take control of your own. happiness because it's like okay it. doesn't matter you're being given. opportunities every day to learn. something. for me i can i can speak but i know this. to be true for most people. it's because it's it's pressed on one of. your insecurities.

right when you get truly secure in who. you are. what other people say. it doesn't affect you like i've noticed. this in my own life right. we started off the conversation talking. about external validation. like the problem when you need external. validation for your self-worth. is that when you get it you feel great. or you think you feel great. it's a very fragile uh way of feeling. great but when you get criticism you go. to the other extreme where you feel. worthless and you turn to whatever your.

junk happiness habit is instagram. gambling drink porn whatever it is right. you turn to that as a way of. compensating but when you do the work. when you look for social friction. and you allow it to become your teacher. you start to process your insecurities. and then if people praise me now on. social media say oh wrong in that. podcast changed my life or you know your. book has really had an impact on me and. my mental well-being. i. like hearing that.

but it doesn't artificially elevate my. ego like it might have done a few years. ago but at the same time if i get. criticism. right if i get criticism it doesn't drag. me down to those depths either i can i'm. just a lot more level. did that make sense. 100. as you were saying that once again my. mind. sat there and thought how does he know. all of this stuff and how has he gotten. to a place where he can be so empathetic. and he can understand others to the.

point that you can as you say make them. a hero and practice that what seems like. a pretty radical form of empathy in. situations where others would resort to. blame and um you know antagonism and. attacking others and it appears to me. that is because you've understood. yourself and actually being able to see. the you know what people might describe. as the insecurities or the flaws in. others or the triggers and others. is only possible once you've understood. yourself and it's funny because when i. put certain things on instagram i know.

that i'm going to get backlash so if i. say. personal responsibility is really. important you can choose for example in. the case of what you've said there you. can choose to make someone else a hero. if someone cuts you off it's a choice. um as to whether you're you're happy or. you're triggered i know. there's a small proportion of people who. will slide into my dms and go you're. wrong if they've cut me off that's. forced me to be unhappy or i'm not at. fault for being unhappy right. and it tends to be the case that those. that are able to make that person a hero.

or to practice empathy are those that. have actually done the work to. understand why. they are triggered why they were. insecure and why they react in the way. they do so again it feels to me that. this really underlying foundational. piece of work that is the catalyst for. being able to do all of these amazing. things that you've written about and. that you understand again is that like. that awareness as you described it. yeah i think he's spot on stephen. it also comes from.

having lived through the mental turmoil. of. taking a different path of. blaming others. and seeing yourself as a victim and. often we absorb these sort of patterns. from our parents right. i can see clearly now how mum and dad. would react to the world and i could see. how i absorbed a lot of that and i. thought that's how you show up with the. world. but we can all choose to approach the. world differently. just because you have approached the.

world a certain way. for all the years you've been on this. planet let's say until this conversation. right. everyone listening or watching has a. choice at the end of this conversation. they can decide whether to act on. something they've heard. or not. can i just press you on that one on that. point there about your parents because i. think it's it touched on something that. i really relate to in my. in one of my parents which is um. and this might be an immigrant thing my.

mom was pretty badly racially abused for. for you know living in plymouth she's a. nigerian woman you know i really didn't. see anyone else in my in my city that. looked like her if i'm honest once upon. a you know once in a while i might once. a year but she was an anomaly in. appearance she was a nigerian woman with. long you know nigerian hair. um. and i grew up i have to say because she. was often racially abused. seeing a kind of bias in her towards. thinking that. the world was out to get her.

and. um. i don't think that served her if i'm. gonna be completely honest if you know. what i mean there that and you see in. other people that kind of sense that. they are a victim. do i ever. you know. i would say this is how. my mum. very much has shown up with the world. and. similar stories you know there is all. kinds of reasons for that.

and you absorb that you think that's the. way you know that's what your parents. how they react it's often what you. absorb as a child you think that's the. way so i can't believe they did that. they they did that differently. i would feel differently. and. it's really understanding that you have. a choice. in how you show the world you have a. choice in how you feel about a situation. you can. choose a different story mum to be fair. to my mum's now 81 she's pretty immobile. uh me or my brother give her breakfast.

on most days um. she is changing. right she it's so wonderful to see. sometimes it's like. well done mum like. you're not it's just so wonderful to see. that. any one of us can change. at any age right we can make subtle. choices small things that make a big. difference you know i also grew up very. protective you know. you'd see things that weren't there you. know man if someone cut me up in my 20s.

i'm not sure i should even. say what went through my mind right. you know i wasn't calm and content. you know at all i'd get triggered. i think they were. you know whatever you know i may even. shout in my car. you know. uh for the sake of my career should. probably just not go any further but i'm. just joking you know i'm saying i. probably said things in my head. or scream them out that i'm not. particularly proud of now. but i can see that i didn't have the.

emotional maturity. and the emotional awareness. to do anything different. what is that what is that that vic is. victimhood in your view often like an. ill thought through form of self-defense. that because i'm thinking about why say. our per se our mothers who are subject. to a lot of abuse or whatever why did. they make the choice that the world was. not on their side and how because that.

seems like maybe in the. the short term it might help you so if. something happens to you or you know. you know you're unsuccessful in business. um you can say well it was the bank. they're racist. um how how what is the cycle the. psychology there and the human that's. choosing to default to victimhood and. you see it in a lot of my i see it a lot. of my friends actually when they fail at. something it appears that they use they. use blame as a way to protect their. self-esteem or i think you just nailed.

it that that's what it is it's. protection it's it's to give you that. feeling of safety that's what we're. always craving we want to feel safe so. it makes you feel safe actually it's not. it's not me. it's out there it's not in here it's out. there that's the problem if that changed. i think that's part of it. so but is that because those people. can't. they could they can't deal with more. that they're too they're too fragile. that they can't deal with more. what they perceive to be. evidence of their inadequacy.

yeah. absolutely and it also comes down to. any trauma. that they may be carrying from their. childhoods this is the other thing i've. learned stephen is that. you know without going to details on mum. and dads um that i don't have permission. to share you know there were traumatic. things that happened early on in mum's. life. and so now i can look at that with. a deep level of compassion that oh.

that's why. mum behaves the way she does because. actually she got programmed at a young. age. that i have to be a certain way. right and then you you pass it on and i. think you said about your mum and my mum. let me share something from from my life. that maybe just fits in there a little. bit which is. we create these behavioral patterns. usually in childhood. right because we want the love and.

affection of our parents we want the. validation because they're our. caregivers right we need that to feel. safe. so. touching what we said earlier. i knew that if i came out with 100. there'd be smiles at home right. everyone's happy wrong is done well. right. so. i internalize that i think that's the. way to be loved in life. fast forward i'm at university and. there's a passion here in all aspects of.

life. um. like. whether i was. seven and if i lost at ludo. my mum says i would literally toss the. board up and storm out the room like i. was furious if i lost at ludo. right and it sounds like a funny thing. that your mum embarrasses you with from. thailand no actually now that i've. unpicked it it's actually very serious. i remember i was at uni. maybe second third fourth year at uni. can't remember on a sunday often after. the passing of the friday and saturday. night we'd end up in diane's pool hall.

in edinburgh i go with one of my mates. and i'm a pretty decent pool sneaker. player right. if i was ever losing. i'd go into the. toilets and look at myself in the mirror. give myself a talking to you i'll tell. these guys have a little slap on the. face come back out. more often than not i would go on and. then win the match. and i thought i just liked winning and i. was competitive. that was all the story complete nonsense. it wasn't that i liked winning.

it was that the pain of losing. was too great because it. it reminds me on a deep primal level. i'm not loved when i lose when i'm not. the best. right so it's that feeling of safety. and here's the other thing. if i did win i wasn't happy that one i. was just happy that i didn't lose. right and then you compensate you don't. realize it it might be a bit more sugar. that evening a few extra beers that. night.

a little cheeky trip to the casino on. the way back because you've got this. discomfort. in your body in your soul. right that you need. something you need a junk happiness. habit. to deal with it. we're all going through that. my parents your parents right. they've. they've also had childhood programming. that they're playing at. and i think when we really get that we. can be compassionate. i have to say that was. just outstandingly beautiful the way.

you've articulated all of that and it. really did bring me back to this sense. of empathy which links to something you. said earlier which is if i'd gone. through what my mum had gone through. coming from africa. to the uk. you know god knows what age she did i. think maybe 17 having left school and. then having to fight for survival in the. way that my mum did and i what you know. my mum is the single hardest working. person i've ever met my entire life. i would have behaved in the exact same. way yeah and that really it does a.

remarkable thing for. your perspective on them. how you know how you view their struggle. and how you view their current behavior. which i think is actually a really good. pathway to engaging with them and then. being able to have conversations and. that's it is such a beautiful sentence. that one of had i been through what. they've been through i would have. behaved in the exact same way and that. is completely true of my mother i did. not. i did not have to struggle in the way.

she did because of her struggle. it's true for all of us actually. i think we can all apply that. to every single interaction in our life. and in fact my challenge would be try it. suck it and see see what life. feels like see what your. experience of life. physically viscerally emotionally see. what it feels like when you start to. show up like that day to day. right if you're skeptical okay i hate. your skepticism.

my challenge to you if you're skeptical. is try for three days. just try it. because i'm not here to try and convince. people i'm not here to tell people what. to do. i know this has literally transformed. the way i show up with the worlds and. try it with your enemies. right yeah sure try it with your parents. who hopefully you love. trap with your enemies try it with that. person at work. you don't like. try it with that boss. who really pisses you off and.

riles you up every time. try it maybe you can't do that straight. away maybe we have to work up to that. this is a skill. right happiness is a skill you can get. better at it but how would you know how. to get better at it when did you get. taught the skill of happiness. i didn't get taught it right i don't. teach it at school. i didn't teach at university i didn't. learn it from my parents i didn't learn. it from society in fact the lessons i. learned from society were that you need. to earn more money you need to get a.

better job you need to get a nicer car. nicer holiday those things are signs of. success and therefore happiness. and it's a myth i think that's the. biggest myth we fall for we think that's. what happiness says. success is success happiness is. happiness they can sometimes coincide. but they don't always. but they can do if you back up if you. take a pause you start to do some of the. things that we're talking about you. start to have a bit of time. to reflect.

you know. solitude stephen is so important. right every bit of our free time now is. sucked up. like i went to this gorgeous coffee shop. next to your studio just before i came. in right. now i imagine. 15 years ago you go into any coffee shop. in london you'd be standing in the queue. you'd be waiting. you know there might be five people in. front of you fine you'll be looking. around you'll be you might bump into. someone you know.

you might be daydreaming. now what happens if you go into any. coffee shop. everyone's head down stuck in their. phone. right you're looking you're trying to. catch up with your emails just have a. quick cheeky look on instagram. i'm not criticizing anyone for doing. that but that comes at a cost it means. these little micro moments of downtime. where your brain is trying to solve. problems for you and process life. they're being lost if you're constantly. consuming. right if you're constantly consuming.

content from outside whatever it is. even good content. right even. nourishing content if you're constantly. consuming you're not allowing your own. thoughts and emotions to come up. you know every summer now i take a. social media break i tried it two years. ago for the first i think three years. ago for the first time i took a few days. to really get into it then after two. weeks i didn't want to go back on now. i'm not anti-social media right i can. see the value that it has i use it to. try and spread helpful messaging as you. do.

but i felt really good and what what i. really experienced even as i allowed. these deep innermost feelings to come. out i started to figure out what i think. what i think not what the world thinks. because that's half the problem going. back to what you said that person who's. confused. right it doesn't know where to start. here's another tip for them. see if you can have 10 minutes a day. without your phone. without music on right without an app.

that you're looking at without. distraction just sit. maybe with a journal if you want but. just see what comes up. because often we're so scared of what's. going to come up we distract. and i would say you know for me a daily. practice of solitude for me typically. it's first thing in the morning. is so needed right the way i describe it. to people. it's like an early warning system. right so when i was a junior doctor in. edinburgh i remember being taught.

when you're looking after sick patients. if you do regular. what we call obs so heart rate. respiratory rates um. you know temperature. depending on what parameters they fit. into. we could detect. several hours beforehand who was going. to end up needing high dependency beds. or intensive care it was like it was. really simple concept that by doing. these regular checks we can then take a. verse of action and make sure that. person doesn't end up going downhill and.

i see my daily practice of solitude. as my early warning system. like it allows me to see what's coming. up right i know for years stephen i say. i know i know now but i didn't know then. when. my stress load was going up work family. pressure i'd feel this real tightness to. my right upper back but i was so busy i. didn't even notice it now i notice i. know. if in the morning when i'm doing my. solitude practice i feel that i'm like. oh.

okay. there's stuff going on right what is. there is it work is it emotional and it. allows me. to intentionally say okay do i need to. cut out some commitments i've got do i. need to have a conversation with my wife. about something that's been bothering me. and i haven't said anything yet. everything i recommend steven is simple. i don't think anything i've suggested. so far costs any money at all. none of them actually take that much. time i'm really really passionate about.

making sure this information is. accessible to everyone i've worked in. affluent areas i've worked in some very. very deprived areas. right and actually we're all. of course there are different pressures. but actually we're all having the same. universal human experience the same. ingredients are there in all of us that. when we apply them they make our lives. better no matter where we are. right someone when i was working in. order. right.

an area of low socioeconomic status a. lot of my patients want benefits very. poor income. levels you know you would say a very you. know struggling area financially i can't. take away their poverty and their stress. from life. but if i can help them have 10 minutes. of themselves each morning. and do some breathing practices or even. write in a journal what they're feeling. that is going to lower their stress load. and that means they're going to be. better able to show up in their life and.

deal with their stresses right so when. people say oh health happiness it's the. preserve of the middle classes and the. wealthy i disagree i absolutely disagree. and i'm so passionate to get that. message across health and happiness. can be accessible to everyone yes. it can be challenging for some people no. question there could be lots that you. want to change there'll be lots that you. ideally would wish it wasn't the way it. is. but you can. choose. your response to every single one of.

those things you absolutely can and when. you learn to do that. that's freedom you know what's the. victor frankel quote in between stimulus. and response is a space. in that space lies your power to choose. your response and with your response. lies your growth and your freedom. one of the things you touched on there. which was really is really foundational. to everything you went on to say was. this idea of a morning routine and um.

you know when i do q and a's and stuff. like that on social media people will. always ask me steve what's your morning. routine my morning routine is pretty. shitty i'll be completely honest i would. never lie to anybody about that it's. really really shitty and it's. inconsistent and it's quite. it's unthinking so it's kind of being. dragged into the day. um you describe these the 3ms of a. really good morning routine what are. those three m's of a good morning. routine what can i do today how long is. it going to take me and what do you. believe a good morning routine contains.

yeah it's a big picture of you here. i have a bias towards morning routines. because i have found in my own life. they've really really helped me. so let me just talk about stress for a. moment because this really plays into. why i think morning routines are so. important. i've got this concept of micro stress. doses and stress thresholds so. every one of us have got our own unique.

personal stress threshold right that. depends on your life how you deal with. things and what's going on. and what we get to that threshold that's. when things start to go wrong that's. when we. um we snap at someone we have a fight. with our partner our net goes or our. back goes into spasm right that's when. you're at your threshold. right. so. i'm saying to people and i've i've. really found this to be true for pretty. much everyone. let's say you wake up.

and you are far away from your threshold. you've had a good night's sleep right so. you're feeling you've been good. what's the average morning for a lot of. people these days okay let's say the. alarm goes off at 6 30 right so they're. in a deep sleep. alarm goes off jolts them out of that. sleep they have to get it okay that's. micro stress dose or msd number one okay. pick up the phone. oh man i'm just gonna put it on snooze. you know i need a bit more snooze put it. back. six minutes later it goes on again msd. number two.

you need pick up your phone you get i'm. quick you're gonna check email. oh man there were these three emails i. didn't get back to yesterday oh man i. need to do that msd number three. um have a quick look on instagram. someone's left you a snarky comment msd. number four then you realize oh man i've. been in bed for 10 minutes i have to get. up get ready i've got a guest coming to. shoot a podcast with i'm not talking. about your life i'm just saying anyone's. life you are talking about mine right. and so here's the point at me ronan each. one of those things right is a micro. stress dose and each one of those is. getting you closer and closer to that.

stress threshold the mistake we make. is that when something happens at three. o'clock in the afternoon. right when that email from your. colleague frustrates you. you think it was that email. but it wasn't the email it was the fact. that you've already acquired 20 micro. stress doses you're right at your. threshold you've got no capacity to deal. with it so that email now bothers you. so. what i suggest to people is. many people leave the house in the.

morning having already accumulated about. 15 micro stress doses so they're already. a lot closer to their threshold than. they would have otherwise mean which. means they've got less resilience they. won't take much for them to get. triggered right so why i think morning. routines can be so valuable is they can. reduce. how many micro stress doses you're. exposed to first thing in the morning so. you are going into your day. with much more headroom and much more. resilience. but i think they're also useful.

if you're feeling quite stressed when. you wake up and anxious i think they. help almost undo the damage of. microstrategies and bring you back to. baseline. was that clear. perfectly clear so that's my kind of. overarching view on why they're so. important so for me i know. if i do that morning routine yes it. gives me perspective on my life it. allows me to reflect but it also. um feeds the control leg of the core. happiness stool.

but it also means that i'm not exposing. myself to micro stressors in fact i'm. getting back to baseline or i'm going. into negative i'm actually giving myself. a lot more resilience and capability to. face the day so i was trying to simplify. things to people so i think a complete. morning route scene for me has got these. three m's. mindfulness movement. mindset. and that's how i orientate my own. morning routine so i started with. mindfulness.

now i've been doing this for a few years. right and currently my morning routine. is about 30 minutes but that's because. i've created a life where i can do that. and it works for me and i get up silly. early that's also because my kids have. always been early wises and i know. if i don't get that time to myself. i'm just not as good a dad and i'm not. as good a husband so my bedtime has got. earlier and earlier so i can get. up earlier and earlier before my kids do. right so i start with mindfulness which. at the moment is a practice of breath.

work and then meditation. then what i do i go to my kitchen and i. put coffee on now very particular with. how i do my coffee i weigh out 15 grams. in the french press i pour 250 grams of. water and i put a timer on for five. minutes. why is that important it's not it's the. way i like my coffee but the point is i. know for five minutes my coffee's gonna. brew so in those five minutes. i don't go on instagram i don't check my. email i do a workout in my kitchen in my.

pajamas. right i'm in my pajamas i'm not to put. on any fancy gear. i might do a bodyweight workout i might. have a kettlebell kicking around. whatever i feel like i will do and then. i get the gorgeous rewards of a hot. fresh cup of organic coffee that i like. and i sit there and i'll read something. um positive like i've got a few books. kicking around in my living room i'll. just pick one that i'm drawn to i'd. probably read for about 10 minutes while. sipping coffee something that's not. negative that's uplifting.

right so that's what it looks like for. me now sometimes my daughter is. currently nine she's got a sixth sense. that daddy's up and she creeps in with. me if she gets in with me. what two things i want to say about that. the old wrong good from a few years ago. we got frustrated man i kind of need i. want my own space you know why yeah you. know i should have got up earlier i. don't do that anymore i'm a lot more. compassionate to myself i use that i go. okay great okay great she's here okay. okay darling just sit here daddy's just. finishing off my meditation.

and she said i think okay this is cool. like i don't need to look at it as a. problem this is life right. if we think life is gonna be great. when everything goes our way we're gonna. be waiting a long time so i embrace it. now go fantastic. and then i also think as a dad what. she's also now. seeing. daddy prioritizes his health he thinks. it's important to look after his mental. well-being every day i'm hoping that she. also absorbs some of these ideas as she. grows up but the mindset piece i don't.

sit there and read if my daughter said. we instead do affirmations together so. there's really good research on. affirmations in terms of what they do. for us. just short positive powerful statement. so the one we do together is we just say. i'm happy i'm calm i'm stress free right. so the two of us sit there we hold hands. and we say that for a minute. at the end of it i feel brilliant she. feels amazing. no i get it some people hear that okay. that is cheesy as anything. and maybe it is but you know what.

there's good research on it. undergraduate students who did. affirmations before their exam perform. better. right. you know how you program your mind. matters so that's what mine looks like. right it used to be about five ten. minutes now yeah i can do half an hour. right but i've also become aligned i've. now i go to bed earlier right and let's. not forget stephen you're at a different. stage in life to me right i'm in my. early 40s i'm happily married i've got.

two young kids. right you're in your late 20s. right was i doing morning routines when. i was 29 no i wasn't it's like clue that. i text you at 2 a.m last night isn't it. yeah well i woke up i was like oh man. like i'm getting up to do my routine and. steve has just gone to bed. but. but. let me tell you about a patient who i. saw. many years ago. i can't remember how old she was she's. probably around 42. really bad skin and i strongly felt that.

stress was. exacerbating and really aggravating her. skin. and she said that's actually i don't. have time for any of this stuff right. i'm busy. i've got two kids i've got to get out to. work. and we try and make various things but. i managed to persuade her and inspire. her to try a five minute routine and. this is what she did she did the three. m's in five minutes it's just one minute. of what i call three four five breathing. right so you breathe in for three. you hold for four and you breathe out.

for five any time your out breath is. longer than your in-breath you help to. lower your body's stress response and. activate its relaxation response okay. there's many ways you can do that but i. like this breath that i call the three. four five breaths so she did one minute. three four five breathing. she did two minutes of yoga. right she had some of her favorite. sequencing two minutes of yoga. and then she did two minutes of. affirmations. that's it and she got on with the day. she came to see me a few weeks later.

and she thought she actually i just feel. so much better and her skin complaints. had gone down by over 50 and over the. course of the next few months she was. hardly getting any flare-ups at all. because it was a ripple effect it wasn't. just that. but by doing that and giving her that. little bubble of resilience first thing. in the morning. she would then go out for a walk at. lunch time instead of just sitting in. the canteen on her phone she'd go i'm. gonna go for ten minute walk around the. block you know it so for me it's just. you showing yourself right at the start.

of the day. you know what i'm worth it i'm worth. spending a bit of time on today. and for me i'm a i've got a bias there. because if i don't do stuff like that in. the morning. i don't do it once the day starts forget. it and it's something that might have. value for your audience steven and i you. know i guess i'm coming and thinking. steven bartlett successful businessman. loads of entrepreneurs listening. um. thinking about you know business and. stuff and i'm i you know i i kind of. want to help people and.

let's let's zoom into the middle and. movement. why is it that i'm able to do a five. minute workout every day like i've. really missed a day for three years. that's not because. i've got more motivation than anyone. else it's because i understand. the science of behavior change. right i think it's gonna i hope it's. gonna have value for people. there's two. big rules i've learned about human. behavior number one is. if you make something easy.

you will do it. so. what's that got to do with my morning. routine well i made it so easy for me to. do right i don't need to buy any. equipment everything's there i don't. need to get changed i don't need to look. up a workout i don't need to do it's it. literally happens because. i don't have to think i've made it. really easy and to zoom this out to. business for a moment. it's reported that when amazon went to. one click ordering it's reported their. profits went up by 300 million dollars a.

year. right so let's rewind 10 years when they. didn't have it what did you have to do. put in your order go to the next screen. you know type in your card deals go to. the next screen confirm audit right. every single step is a reason to. procrastinate pull out and not make the. purchase so what do they do one click. ordering boom before you blinked. something's coming that evening right so. they're doing what i think they should. do for their business why do netflix. roll one video or one show into the next. one.

it's not out of the goodness of their. own hearts to go oh you know let's help. people. no they're using the science of human. behavior before you realize it's. 12 30 at night. i need to go to bed i've got to get it. for work you are straight into another. episode so you don't stop that's why. youtube roll and see the next video. right so these guys understand human. behavior when we as humans try and apply. it to our own health we throw it out the. window we think it's got to be hard it's. got to be really tough i've got to go. running one hour four times a week.

and we we again first two weeks in. january we managed to do it then we fall. off the wagon because we think. motivation is going to last forever and. it doesn't and the science is called the. motivation wave motivation comes up. motivation goes down. plan your behaviors for when your. motivation is down not when it's up then. you will still do it so number one is. you make it easy i've made it easy. number two. which is just as important as where are. you gonna put this behavior you can't.

just think about it oh i'm gonna i'm. gonna meditate i'm gonna move no you. need to be very intentional. now every single behavior we do needs a. trigger. right so. a trigger could be oh i remember to do. it. sure that works it's just the most. unreliable trigger that exists the next. best trigger is like um a notification. like uh you know oh you've got to be. here to record a podcast with stephen. okay great i know i've got to do that or. you put a post-it note on your fridge. that's great but the very best trigger.

as evidenced by the research and a lot. of this comes from professor bj fogg at. stanford instagram was literally. invented in his class as an assignment. essentially. he has shown that. if you stick on your new behavior onto. an existing habit. it's much more likely to happen. like the coffee like the coffee i don't. need my pa to phone me at five in the. morning say hey rongan listen.

uh you must remember to make your coffee. i don't need my google calendar. notification to pop say hey wrong don't. don't forget. to make your coffee. i'm gonna do that it's locked in as a. habit i don't have to give it any. conscience but it's going to happen so. therefore if i stick my workout on there. i vastly increase the likelihood then. it's going to happen add on to the fact. that i keep kettlebells and dumbbells in. my kitchen my wife used to say can we. not just put these away in the cupboard. and i said listen babe here's the thing. and i've seen this with patients if you.

put this stuff out of the way so that. the kitchen looks nice right. i'm never gonna lift up that weight. out of sight out of mind we need to. constantly trigger so. the kitchen's not a mess it's just in. the corner there's a kettlebell so as. i'm making the coffee i can see it it's. looking at me. even if all i do is pick it up to move. it i've picked it up and what it does. steven is that on a very on a very base. primal level it shows me each morning. that i have value that i'm worth.

treating with respect you know chapter. three the book is all about treat. yourself with respect many of us um. as i've done for much of my life. don't we struggle with compassion for. ourselves we struggle to be kind to. ourselves. right but the research is really clear. people who are more compassionate to. themselves. they're healthier they're happier. they're more successful at work we think. we think we've got to beat ourselves up. inside to do stuff. right it's a myth it's a short term when.

it's a long-term fail and there are. simple things that we can do. quick one as we all know energy. independence and living a little greener. has never been more important for a. better future it's a journey i've been. on over the last couple of years that. i've shared with you sporadically ever. since i sold my range over sport and. bought an electric bicycle and there's a. lot of people out there that listen to. this podcast that are looking to make. that sustainable switch in the things. that run their daily life whether it's. their home their car their vehicles. whatever it might be so when a good.

friend of mine at a company called my. energy called jordan told me she was. interested in sponsoring this podcast i. jumped at the opportunity so for those. of you that don't know my energy are a. uk renewable energy brand whose mission. is to increase the usage of green energy. helping people like you and i to save. time and money when it comes to making. sustainable switches in our lives so if. this resonates with you and you're the. type of person that's been looking or. thinking about going on your own. sustainability journey i highly. recommend checking them out at my.

myenergy.com. a lot of people when they talk about. health and happiness in those topics you. know they tend to focus on things like. what we eat. you know that seems to be a really big. um. factor in. health one of the things we've talked. about there that i also read about in. your in your work is you would actually. suggest that maybe the most foundational. thing to all of our lives and it's kind. of clearly one of the things that i've. i've not been so consistent with is. sleep. so why is sleep so foundational and so.

so important i actually read that you. said if there was one sort of health. recommendation you would make to. everybody it would be to try and get. more sleep why do you prioritize that so. highly why is that so important. i think the reason why sleep is so. important for society at the moment is. because of how much we've lost. so depending on which study you read. you'll have a slightly different. results but essentially compared to. about.

60 years ago. you know we may have lost up to 25 of. our sleep. right so on an eight hour. sleep cycle we may have lost. you know two hours of sleep. right now when you think about what. sleep does. for the body and the brain and the mind. you'd be like well actually that is. gonna have a consequence so in the short. term we all know what does that feel.

like when we haven't slept well okay do. we feel like our best selves. no we're a bit irritable we're a bit. moody what. are we like with those close to us when. we haven't slept well are we. patient. and calm are we a bit ratty a bit angsty. what do you crave when you haven't slept. well you don't crave. fruit and vegetables and whole foods you. crave sugar and cakes and candy right. because your hormones change when you. haven't slept properly right you're less.

able to resist temptation when you. haven't slept. right you're much more likely to get. emotionally triggered when you haven't. slept. so sleep is really really important in. the short term but in the long term. sleep deprivation is associated with. pretty much every single chronic disease. we have. heart disease alzheimer's. um autoimmune disease. all these things now we're pretty sure. are directly not just associated with. sleep deprivation is thought to be.

causative. right so this is why we think i'm just. going to crush it in my 20s 30s. you know i'll sleep when i'm dead i'll. sleep later i get there are phases in. our life where we have to probably work. harder than we would ideally do. we we get opportunities we have to take. it we feel we have to take advantage of. them. fine i get that i'm not saying you're. gonna. sleep seven to eight hours every single. night i don't manage to and i do. prioritize my sleep. but by and large.

the biggest problem we have with sleep. is that we don't prioritize it we've. never lived in a society where there are. this many distractions. from sleep a million years ago you. didn't have you know what you do it gets. dark you have a campfire you sit around. and chat. and then. yeah you could go off to bed aren't you. it's so true we live as if sleep is the. the only optional thing it's the thing. that can we could do one hour two hours. three hours but. we then over prioritize but i can't miss.

that appointment i can't miss that work. commitment but the sleep can come and go. it's optional yeah and it's and i get. the temptation there's always something. you could do you could watch a youtube. video you could watch a new boss series. you know i understand that there are. distractions. i totally get that. but. if you are struggling in life if you. can't focus as much as you want to at. work if you've tried going on diets. before and you can't stick to eating the. right kinds of foods that you're trying.

to choose. you may be better off. focusing on your sleep i've helped. people lose weight i've helped people. improve so many aspects of their health. by not changing their diet and i'm a big. proponent of whole food-based diets. right. but i've gone what's the lever i need to. turn here. not what can i lecture the patient about. what is the lever i need to turn here so. i talk about these four pillars of. health certainly for physical health. food movement sleep and relaxation. and when my first book came out talking.

about this about five years ago people. say doctor where should i start. and i said well look. we're all different. ask yourself this question ask yourself. which of these four pillars. do i need the most help with. because we all kind of intuitively know. for me it's probably stress. like my diet movement's pretty good i'm. pretty good in my sleep but if i could. do more to manage stress that would have. a huge impact on my health but we don't. do that we go to our favorite bit right.

so people who've already pretty good. with their diet they try and make it. five percent better negating the fact. that they're only sleeping four and a. half hours every night. but go to your weakest link make a small. change there i'm not talking about seven. eight hours if you can even sleep for 15. minutes more a night. you will have a noticeable and. measurable impact on your physiology and. the way that you feel. and the other thing we're now learning. about um sleep particularly i think it's. the rem the rem phase of sleep.

is this what sleep researchers are. calling emotional first aid. why it allows you to. process and. you know kind of regulate emotions and. memories. so we are living in this time of the. mental health epidemic i'm very. concerned over what the impact of the. last couple years is going to have. on people's mental well-being. but a lot of people don't realize that. sleep. when you sleep. more when you sleep of better quality. you actually do emotional first aid you.

actually are better at processing. emotions your relationships will be. better your mood will be better when you. slept more so. the number one thing we don't do is. prioritize it so for most people if all. they do is prioritize it. that would be a big start and then i. always think i need to say when i'm. talking about sleep i don't want to. stress people out because some people. may hear that stephen and go. um i know i'm stressed out right i've. heard what you just said sleep's gonna. do or i've got a young child i can't. sleep through the night that's okay we.

all have phases like that this is day in. day out over a period of years i'm. talking about it as a chronic disease. but there are small things that you can. do. right getting outside in the morning for. even 10 minutes and seeing natural light. that will help you sleep better at night. that is free it is accessible to. everyone right. why. if you think about what i said about a. million years ago we've we have evolved. as humans to have a big differential.

between our maximum light exposure and. our minimum light exposure right so. typically in the day we'd be outside and. at night time would be completely dark. right so so light is measured in a unit. of light called lux. right. completely dark room zero lux. if you go outside on a cloudy day. in the uk overcast cloudy day for 10 or. 15 minutes you're going to get about 10. 000 looks through your eyes. go back on a sunny day you're going to.

get about 20 or 30 000 likes through. your eyes. go into the most brightly lit office. building in the uk. you're probably going to get between 500. and 700 lux it's not much even on a. cloudy day. you're getting so much more than you. would get inside so for some people. all they have to do is get outside in. the morning for 10 minutes or even at. lunch time go for a walk outside for 10. minutes that will help set what's called. your circadian rhythm which helps you.

sleep better at night so that's a simple. one caffeine's a big one right you know. i love coffee. but i don't drink it after midday. right i'll drink it in the morning i. won't drink it after midday. there are genetic differences between. different people and how we process it. for sure. but you know by and large half life is. six hours so that means if you have a. large coffee. at. midday. at 6 p.m half of that caffeine is going. around your brain and it could be at.

midnight a quarter could still be going. around your brain. so this is not about lecturing this is. about. hopefully empowering people to go oh. maybe that 3pm coffee i take to get me. through the afternoon. oh maybe that's why i can't sleep well. and then i'm even more tired the next. day and i'm stuck in this vicious cycle. where i need the caffeine to keep. getting me through and again if. someone's listening to this and they're. not sure. i would say okay. why not try for seven days.

only having caffeine in the morning and. just see what happens observe do you. feel better. does it help do you have more energy. great and if you think you're somewhere. and you really think it's a problem you. might want to wean down and try seven. days without. i never tell my patient to stop drinking. coffee. or to stop drinking alcohol i want to. help show them the impact it's having. right so let's say a patient's um. drinking too much alcohol for their.

health. i want to help persuade them to go for. seven days without and see how they feel. right. if they can experience how they feel. differently. and then they go yeah i love it but you. know what the amount of fun i get on a. friday night hanging out with my mates. having a few beers it's worth the. hangover and the fatigue and the. irritability on saturday. if they say that they're happy with that. trade-off okay. fine. but a lot of people are not aware of the.

trade-off like with coffee a lot we are. drinking so much we are a nation of. caffeine addicts we're a world of. caffeine addicts frankly it's a. psychoactive stimulants. it's a beautiful one but it's a. psychoactive stimulant so i'm all i'm. saying is if you're struggling with your. sleep. you know you might want to reduce it you. might want to knock it back a bit and. there's plenty more we could talk about. with sleep but all i want to say to. people is. small changes to your sleep make a. difference don't set the goal that's. going to be eight hours a night sure if. you can do that wonderful but even 15.

minutes more a day will absolutely make. a difference. one of the moments in your book that you. describe as being really pivotal. and you've referenced early as being. pivotal to your life was the moment your. child got ill. um your six month old child became. unwell and the kind of. that became a catalyst. in your life for. i guess. many things can you talk to me about why. that was so um pivotal and.

and and why when your child became ill. you you know. that was in part what i understand is. part of the inspiration behind many of. the thoughts in the book. my son jainam um. getting sick at six months old. literally. changed the course of my career. but i wouldn't be doing what i'm doing. today had that not happened. so rewind 2010. i become a father for the first time.

right super excited right it's amazing. we're new parents everything's going. well bloody blahdy blah and that. december. um the end of december we were we. decided to go on holiday for a week in. france. i've got friends out there one of them's. got a house out there we were going to. go and stay there. and we flew out just after christmas my. wife myself and my son. and we got to my friend's house they. weren't going to be there on the next. day. and we meant to sleep downstairs there. that was the room that we'd been.

allocated at my friend's place. and normally my wife would have probably. gone and put him. to sleep but she said she didn't feel. she wanted to he was a bit sniffly he. wasn't um. [Music]. you know she mother's intuition called. whatever you will she didn't do it. anyway we're we're upstairs in this kind. of open plank kitchen i think i'm doing. some washing up and then she calls out. to me he says wrong and he's not moving. i drop everything turn around. see him. and um.

i think he's probably choking because. he's had a lot of phlegm all day so i. take him turn him over i try and clear. his airway. nothing's happening. uh i probably froze i can't quite. remember now with clarity but my said. look we just got to get into the. hospital so we got to the hospital which. is two minutes away. we got in. and you could see how scared the uh. medics were because it's not uncommon. for children at the age of six months to. have a convulsion it's something we call. a febrile convulsion there's a fever.

that causes the convulsion. but he had no fever they were like well. why on earth is a six-month-old kid. just stopped moving and had a convulsion. so he got blue lighted down there. because it was a little mountain resort. down to the valley my wife's going in. the ambulance i'm like following in the. car thing what on earth is happening we. get there. you know he's motionless we're super. scared we thought we might lose him that. night he had two lumbar punctures he had. all kinds of blood tests then it turns.

out later that he had very low levels of. calcium in his blood which is why he had. a convulsion. like well why has that happened and i. said look we're still waiting for more. tests a few hours later it comes back. he's got no vitamin d in his body well. very low levels of vitamin d. that's why his calcium drops. thankfully he got a calcium infusion he. got vitamin d. five days later you know we get. discharged. but why did that have such a big impact. on me well hey of course i nearly my son.

nearly died. but i. thought i'd let him down. that's the truth demon. i thought my my son has nearly died from. a preventable vitamin deficiency. i've gone to one of europe's most. prestigious medical schools edinburgh. i've got an immunology degree i've done. my specialist exams done my general. practice exams with all my so-called. qualifications. i was unable to prevent my son from. getting sick so i took it personally as.

if i had messed up and actually weirdly. enough a few weeks before that i'd. become aware of vitamin d i'd gone i. remember thinking shouldn't my son be on. vitamin d this was years ago i remember. phoning my wife from work said hey can. you go and take him to the doctor we're. told as doctors not to make medical. decisions for our own family it's not. deemed good practice i sent her a. protocol to just show that to the doctor. say your husband's a gp you know he's. just thinking about. about this and the gp just laughed her. out said you could have just printed you.

could just type this up on word this is. nonsense he doesn't need anything. anyway two weeks later he's in france. convulsion nearly dies. why does that have such a big impact on. me why has it had such a big impact on. me. because. i thought i'd failed. right my whole. identity is is around being perfect at. that point. so i want perfection in every aspect of. my life oh i wanted perfectionary. aspects of my life and of course my.

darling son. i thought so guilty stephen i became. obsessed right modern medicine saved his. life. but. that's it modern medicine often stops at. that point i i was asking him well what. happens if he's not had victim and d in. a system. for the last few months which he didn't. vitamin d is critical for our immune. system it's critical could this be why. he's got eczema could this be. contributing fast there's a look he's. he's fine now and i thought this is not. good enough for me. so i made it my mission.

i said to myself internally i don't. think i ever verbalized it out. i said i am going to get my son back to. full health as if this had never. happened. i became obsessed i'd read up about. vitamin d that led me to the gut. microbiome that led me to all kinds of. stuff that i never learned at medical. school that i've used to help him he is. a thriving happy healthy strong 11 year. old boy. okay. the principles and the tools that i've. learned are what i've been using with my. patients for years it's what i used on.

doctor in the house on bbc one to show. people. all around the country and it's gone to. 70 countries around the world that all. kinds of conditions type 2 diabetes. fibromyalgia panic attacks anxiety. irritable bowel syndrome can all be. either. reversed or significantly improved by. making small changes to our lifestyle. that. moment. drove me to learn all this stuff which i. now share. and help. you know arguing millions of people now.

and. for years. i wished. it didn't happen. but i've i've changed my view. for two reasons one reason was. that guilt i felt stephen i carried in. as a dad. he doesn't need his dad feeling guilty. that doesn't make me a calm present. attentive father. that brings baggage into the. relationship and i i could see that.

well i i'd like to think particularly. these days i've got a high degree of. self-awareness i could see that see. wrong this is guilt it's not his fault. he doesn't need a guilty dad so that was. a stimulus to go inward and figure some. of this stuff out to figure out where. does this come from but it all plays in. stephen or you know as we talk you can. see the theme. in the start of our conversation in the. middle now talking about my son. i have expected perfection of myself in. everything i've ever. done right that's been my identity with.

my son i felt as though i let him down. now i've let go of pretty much all of. that. it. i say pretty much because it still pops. in so in my role as a father i think i. do a good job they're kind considerate. kids they're happy. but could i do a better job probably i'm. not going to beat myself up on that. anymore. but i want to work on that so. now i look back and i've now told myself. a different story.

right this is true you can tell me if. you think it's true. i now think that was meant to happen. that happened so that daddy could learn. all of the. um tools that i've learned to help him. and now help. thousands of people. hundreds of thousands you know as i say. arguing millions. i wouldn't have had those learnings had. it not happen now when i started. thinking like that i would think yeah. but. why did he have to go through that.

in order for me to learn this but again. that's me putting a story what do you. mean go through it maybe he doesn't know. he's been through anything maybe that's. his life journey maybe he's going to. learn loads from that experience. do you know what i mean and that's the. perspective choice i guess you. you talked about earlier it's almost. like making an incident a negative. incident the hero of your own life as. opposed to be. you know. shrouding it with guilt and blame and. resentment so yeah it's choosing a. happiness story about it because.

ultimately i can't change the reality of. what happened. whether i wanted it to or not of course. at that moment would i want it to happen. no of course not but now. given that it can't be changed given. that it is has happened and is now in. the past. how now to show up. in my everyday life and be happy be. content help people serve people serve. my children as a good father well it's. to let go of that and move on choose a. happiness story we can all do it it's.

hard sometimes but it doesn't mean it's. not possible. and what is your mission now as you look. ahead to the future you've achieved so. much. across such a diverse. a range of pursuits you know everything. from your tv to podcast to books and. everything in between your work as a gp. your medical practice everything what is. your mission now as you look ahead to. your future. the mission that i have stated publicly. for the last few years has been over the. course of my career.

i want to help 100 million people. live better lives. i want to help them with their health. and their happiness. but you know. over the last few months that's not been. sitting that well with me anymore. i mean i'm really good friends with my. videographer gareth who films every. podcast that i do. and we've been chatting a lot about it. and. you know when i first stated that. publicly for the first time i was so.

scared well people think he's got a big. ego you know i did i didn't i didn't. want partly didn't want to share that i. thought. what will people think of me. right why that's been so good for me. is it's helped me. make decisions as you know. the amount of incoming into our inboxes. and what we could be doing is. vast. so the hundred millifigure allows me to. think.

okay is this going to get me closer to. 100 million or not so i think it's. served a really good role. i think missions can do at particular. moments in life but we don't need to be. stuck to them forever. so. you know that figure you know i thought. well five million people each week are. watching doctor in the house in bbc one. okay. that means. if only one percent of people watch that. and make a change in their life that's a. lot of people right and now that's gone.

to 70 countries around the world i'm. like okay. so this is how you can use the media. to amplify your message and help people. with hopefully a strong simple message. all over the world. right now i think. and and that's helped me do things like. you know i'll be honest like when i. started my podcast. it was just a bit of fun right i didn't. have a name i didn't have a logo um i. just thought okay this would be cool i. didn't know what the name was when i was.

interviewing people. like the first six interviews. but it's evolved into. you know like your show i guess like a. juggernaut show which has a huge. following that impacts the lives of. hundreds of thousands of people each. week. right so. the mission served me but it's not sure. like i don't have a new replacement one. at the moment but i almost think 100. million is limiting well why why a. hundred million right that's not said. with any level of arrogance it's just. like well.

every human has. unlimited potential you know this is. what i always try and do i want every. person who reads my books or listens to. my podcast to feel that they can be the. architect of their own health and. happiness. that's not me. diminishing the fact that your. environment that society plays a role. no but even if it does. i still want that person to feel that. they have agency and they've got an. element of control so. if i think about short-term goals.

you know i very much want this book to. be a success not so that it can feed my. ego but because i genuinely think the 10. chapters the 10 life lessons are. universal so whoever you are. wherever you are in life i think these. 10 chapters these 10 lessons hold true. for everyone if anyone disagrees i'd. welcome a conversation about it but i. really think they do and i think they're. sort of things that people can revisit. they use them then in a few months when. life goes off track they can come back. that's one immediate goal.

but i think. going beyond that. the mission's about conversation. right conversation matters. long-form conversation like what you do. on this show like what i do on my show. that matters we need that now more than. ever everything is reduced down to that. that that smallest sound bite that we. can get out there. the problem is that comes at a cost. because.

we lose perspective it doesn't make us. compassionate it makes us angry. right people are isolated there's a lack. of community people feel lonely it's. driving them to junk happiness habits. i've got so many young men who've come. to see me who've got pornography. addiction right they can't even look me. in the eye when they tell me they're. that ashamed and embarrassed they've not. told anyone they've not taught their. friends they've not told their parents. there will be someone stephen. listening to this right now. who's got. an issue with pornography and they don't.

know where to turn. picking up on that point of loneliness i. think in our society we view loneliness. as a sad thing. in the sense that when someone's lonely. it almost feels like it's a sign of. their inadequacy or they're like lack of. attraction or then they're not a. compelling human being they weren't able. to forge interactions so. although i i've now come to learn that. it's in fact a signal to get back to our. tribes. we have we don't treat it like other. signals we don't treat it like thirst we.

don't treat it like hunger we will say. if we're thirsty or we're hungry. but we won't say if we're lonely because. it's stigmatized right um. i came to learn from the research i've. done and i saw similar stats which were. terrifying in your work. is that loneliness isn't a sad thing. it's actually a really dangerous thing. so can you speak to the the negative. consequence of loneliness. the way. society is set up now is making us. lonely. we've moved away from work we've moved. away from our families we don't have the.

tribes around us and it's. very very damaging for our health. right some research suggests that the. feeling of being lonely is as harmful as. smoking 15 cigarettes per day one five. right. increases our risk of heart disease. strokes. you're more likely to die earlier. if you feel lonely why is that. right think about it a million years ago. you're with your tribe you're with your. community. right if a wild predator.

is. approaching the tribe your stress. response kicks into gear that's a good. thing it's going to help you take action. to keep you safe. brilliant all kinds of things happen in. the body when that happens. loneliness is also a signal think back a. million years ago if you were out by. yourself. you don't have your tribe around you. your body is clever your body knows you. are. at risk you are vulnerable to attack so. it activates your stress response your.

blood sugar goes up your blood pressure. goes up your blood becomes more prone to. clotting right you're amygdala your. emotional brain goes on to high alert so. you're hyper vigilant you become anxious. right all these things happen when you. feel lonely right you have physical. changes in your body. now loneliness is hard. if people are suffering i understand. right i really understand. but small things make a difference. you can start off by saying hi.

to the barista at the coffee shop. right but maybe you've got a friend you. haven't spoken to in a while. maybe you've got busy with your life. they've got busy with their life give. them a call. right that's all it takes it's a ripple. effect start small and i promise you. will start to feel the difference. dr ronan i i have to i couldn't thank. you enough for the wisdom and for the. time that you've given me today it's. really really really special i sit here. sometimes with guests and i think. um you know i think you know they've. written a book and it's very nice and. everything but.

having. experienced the way that you've um done. the self-work and having. had a taste of the way that you have. empathy. in your approach to causing behavioral. and lifestyle change to people i i feel. like this book is just critically. important you know. it's funny because i was thinking i'm. going to end this podcast by giving the. book a compliment but i don't think i. have to i think if people see who you. are today the wisdom the empathy the. experience the vulnerability.

i think any person that is sound of mind. and that wants to improve their life. will know. that this book is critically important. to them that it is inclusive that is. that is relatable and that it will hold. their hand through change in a in a way. which is empathetic and that's that. those are my favorite books and i was. sat here and i'm going to be completely. honest because i don't people i. just don't say things i don't believe. them i was sat here thinking steve. because i've only been i've only i was. only given a small taste of the book by. your publisher. i. need to read this book and if that's the.

impact you've had on me. i know it's going to be the impact. you've had on my my listeners so thank. you because you know that really really. is you know. understanding where we are in the world. in culture we need more books like this. we have a tradition on this podcast. which is the last guest writes a. question for the next guest and i don't. actually get to read on my mother's life. i don't read it until i open the book so. i've just opened the book and seen what. our last guest has written so my last. guest. wrote the question and i've not read it. yet so here we go. but he's got great handwriting so.

what is something that people value. that you no longer value. an attachment to truth. i no longer. value. being right. i no longer value having to know the. right answer i no longer value. thinking. this is the truth and i'm gonna hold on. to this at all costs.

and i think many people do. i now value curiosity and being the. learner. i just want to learn i want to explore. i'm happy for pre-existing assumptions. i've had in my life to be shown to be. incorrect. i'm not attached to being right i'm not. attached to being wrong. what i am attached to. is learning. and that's working for me at the moment. dr rongan thank you you are simply.

amazing and you are really the gift that. keeps on giving so i can't wait to read. the book in its entirety. happy mind happy life 10 simple ways to. feel great every day thanks for having. me thanks i can't wait wait to read the. book in its entirety. happy mind happy life 10 simple ways to. feel great every day thanks for having. me. [Music]. [Music].

[Music]. you.