DEBATE: Feminist Women Vs Non-Feminist Women

The feminism movement didn't unite. women. It split women. I feel totally. listen. 50% of young women don't want to. have children. They're really. preoccupied with making money and. materialism. But we're still looking at. a society that is increasingly telling. women where they could be better. But. sometimes feminism expects women to be. prioritized and both sexes want the. privileges without the responsibilities. Can I just add we are producing women. and men who are and I'll tell you what I. mean by that. It'll be an interesting. discussion. We're joined by three.

leading and outspoken voices in female. societal issues with very different. opinions to unpack the choices and. consequences women face in modern. society. The sexual revolution gave. women freedom. But things like the. washing machine, women entering the. labor force, the pill had enormous. social changes. For instance, it gave. the illusion that sex was. consequencefree. But the second wave of. the feminist movement was every woman. should want free sex. And yet 82% of. young women are depressed and anxious. after casual sexual encounters or every.

woman should want to go out to work and. leave their children in daycare. But we. are doing terrible damage to our. children by putting them in daycare. This strain of feminism has basically. aspired as much as possible to make. women like men. And now gender roles are. changing. And we've gone so far. So we. have women dominating men. How are we. dominating men? Oh my goodness. 60% of. college students are women. dominating. No, let me finish. Young men. are afraid of women and the power they. have over them. Oh god. To blame. feminism for those things. I mean, it's.

insane. But there are solutions. I'm. just going to jump in there and talk. about a report that came out in 2025, and this was really shocking. What are. your thoughts about this? Okay, so first. of all, this has always blown my mind a little. bit. 53% of you that listen to the show. regularly haven't yet subscribed to the. show. So, could I ask you for a favor. before we start? If you like the show. and you like what we do here and you. want to support us, the free simple way. that you can do just that is by hitting. the subscribe button. And my commitment. to you is if you do that, then I'll do.

everything in my power, me and my team, to make sure that this show is better. for you every single week. We'll listen. to your feedback. We'll find the guests. that you want me to speak to and we'll. continue to do what we do. Thank you so. much. Let's start with some introductions. Louise, what is your professional. background and what do I need to. understand and know about your. experiences that feed into your. perspective on this subject? So, my. professional background, I'm a. journalist. Um, I write about ideas for.

a living. I don't have like a political. agenda. I'm just I just write and say. things that I think are true. In terms. of how I arrived at some of my views on. what we're going to talk about today, sexual revolution, I think I was raised. with a lot of the assumptions around. the sexual revolution, which are sort of. like the water that we swim in now. culturally. And it wasn't until I got to. university that I started gradually. unpicking them. After I was I left university, I worked. in a rape crisis center which was quite.

formative for me in that I saw some of. the ways in which some of the feminist. theory that I had learned at university. didn't quite map onto reality. And then I after leaving that job I. became a journalist. Again I kept. thinking about these things and I guess. I've reached a point where. I take a very mixed view of this. history. I think there are good things. I think there are bad things that have. come out of the sexual revolution. Louise, can you define for me what you.

mean by sexual revolution for anybody. that doesn't know because it's going to. be quite an important term today. Right. So I think that there are two things. really the ideological event really of. the 1960s and 1970s. So this was a a. period of not just in relation to sexual. relationships, but all sorts of things. A period of really questioning and. challenging traditional ideas and. particularly traditional Christian ideas. about how what sexual relationships. ought to look like. I think actually the.

the the point that we've reached in. terms of progressive culture is the. assumption that those traditional ideas. are necessarily questionable, are. necessarily. fit to be challenged. I think that's the. ideological thing that we're talking. about. But there's this other thing that. happens at the same time which is. partially connected which is a material. change. So you have the introduction of. the pill, the advent of safe abortion. Remember historically abortion is not. safe. So you have the advent of safe. abortion and of course it's. decriminalization. You have things like.

the washing machine and central heating. and all sorts of other domestic. appliances, domestic technologies which. actually have been enormously important. in changing such relationships because. all of a sudden it means that that. basically takes less time to run a home. and so it becomes more possible for. women to enter the workforce. So then. you see this wave of not only changing. marriage rates and birth rates but also. women entering the labor force on mass. and really some enormous social changes.

like so enormous that it can be a little. bit hard in 2025. to realize how enormous they were. because we've become used to them. We'll. talk about all of that today going. clockwise then Erica same question to. you about your background and h the work. that's fed into the perspective you. have. I'm a psychoanalyst in private. practice. I'm an author. I write books. about parenting. And the book I'm. probably most well known for is my book, Being There. And it's basically about. the neuroscience of attachment or the.

importance of mothers in the first three. years of a child's life to create. emotional security, which lays down the. foundation for mental health in the. future. And so from my perspective, I. guess the conversation we're going to. have, I should say right off the bat, um, I consider myself a feminist. Um, but I consider myself a term that I like. better and that my community uses, the. people that I work with, and which is I. consider myself a maternal feminist. Basically, there was a a school of.

thought called maternal feminism, which. really elevated women in their work as. mothers and really talked about it as. very important work. Um, and so I'm not. an anti-feminist and I'm certainly for. women to have choice. So, it's uh it'll. be an interesting discussion. I guess. you could say I'm more of a centrist on. this topic. As Louise said, um, there. are parts of feminism that I think. really helped women and there are parts. that really did a lot of harm to. children. And lastly, Deborah. Yes. Same. question to you. So, I am best known as.

the host of the Guilty Feminist podcast, and I started that podcast to learn. about feminism, and I have since researched a lot. I. wrote a book called The Guilty Feminist. I've just written a book called six. conversations we're scared to have, which does also challenge some of the. directions that we've gone, but more in. in about how combative we've become as. progressive people to each other and how. difficult it is to talk to people on the. right now and how we need to get back in.

rooms and we need to be having difficult. discussions like this. So, it's. interesting what Louise says about being. raised in a progressive household but. then being disillusioned and thinking. that there was there's some ways in. which life was better before the sexual. revolution. Um, because I'm effectively. a time traveler. I did live before the. sexual revolution because when I was 14, just coming into my puberty, my family. joined a religious cult.

I didn't have any normal sexual. development and I didn't get out. I. didn't escape that patriarchal cult till. I was in my mid 20s. So I know what it. is. and I do not believe women want it. I. know what it is to not have autonomy, to. not have agency, and to not have. emotional freedom. And those are the. three big things that I think the sexual. revolution gave women. First of all, agency. I think it's just.

agency is so important. So agency is. just the ability to go around and choose. what you do moment to moment. And. autonomy is can I can I decide what my. life looks like, the shape of my life, what what choices do I have? And. emotional freedom is the third one. And. I don't think the sexual revolution did. did give us emotional freedom because I. think we're still sitting in a lot of. guilt as women as to like if I'm at.

work, I should be at home with my. children. If I'm at home with my. children, I'm am I providing for them. financially well enough or am I am I. going to have a career when I go back to. work? Um if I'm doing both of those. things very well, am I a good enough. daughter, friend? Am I running a half. marathon for charity? Like we are in a. stage of such guilt. That's why my show. and my one of my books is called the. guilty feminist because I felt that. feminism had become another thing to. feel guilty about. And so anything to me. that engenders more shame in women or.

more guilt in women. or takes their autonomy away even. emotionally. For me, I would like to. move far away from that because in my. life, every year I've been away from. that cult and I have had more autonomy. and more emotional freedom. I have felt. more spaciousness. and I have become a better person, a. better partner. I have maternal roles in.

my life. It makes me so much better in. those roles if I'm filled up, if I'm. creatively fulfilled. And it also makes me a better person in. my community in every way. So that's for. me what feminism is. So autonomy, emotional freedom, and agency. I also. want to touch on the word guilt as well. because I remember that being pertinent. to our conversation. But if if I reflect. on those three words, Louise, autonomy, emotional freedom, and agency as the the. byproduct of the sexual revolution.

Would you agree with that? Yes and no. So I think that. can I give an example that is like quite. dark but I think throws us immediately. into like some of these really difficult. questions about freedom and who's. freedom right there's this line from. Matthew Arnold that I really like. freedom is a really good horse to ride. but to ride somewhere like freedom is. ought to have a purpose right and so an. example from my professional life which. I think highlights some of the issues. about sexual revolution promoting.

freedom. the law around BDSM. I won't go into the. details because it's boring, but there's. like complicated law around BDSM. basically like so so this is um bondage, domination, soda massarchism. So people. basically doing um consensually. violent or abusive things in sex. So. stuff that would be illegal if there. weren't consent pretty much. And the law. around it is complicated. The law. basically says that you can consent up. to a certain level of harm and then.

above that level of harm, you're. criminally liable and if something goes. wrong, like you're done for it. And. there's been ongoing campaigns by. proponents of sexual freedom to loosen. these laws and to make it so that you. can consent to more than what you. legally can at the moment. So consent to. like serious body modifications as a sex. thing or consent to quite serious. violence as a sex thing. like if. something goes wrong at the moment, you. might be criminally liable. So me and a bunch of other feminists set.

up a group called we can't consent to. this. The reason we did this is because. there were an increasing number of cases. in the UK. This isn't unique to the UK. of women who had died during sex and. their partners claimed that they had. consented to the violence that killed. them. So this was normally. strangulation, but there were other like. horrible ways in which these women died. And these men were getting away with. this in the sense that they were. successfully claiming, no, no, no, this. was all just a sex game. And they were. successfully avoiding a murder. prosecution and sometimes getting very.

light sentences for manslaughter. And I. think this is a really really good. example of freedom for who and freedom. for what because you can completely see. why. some campaigners would want the law in. BDSM to be much more liberal. And they. would say and they do say, you know, I'm. a consenting adult. Who are you to tell. me that I can't do XY Z in the bedroom? Who are you to tell me that the law. ought to step in and try and criminalize. what adults do in the privacy of their. own homes?

and you can see their argument. But then. I say, okay, but the problem is we're. all connected to one another and your. freedoms impact on mine and this all, you know, a society is greater than the. sum of its parts. And if you're going to. say that sexual freedom is the. preeminent value, then I don't know what we do in these. cases, these concrete cases where it. seems to me that a terrible wrong has. been done to this woman. And if we don't.

have. illiberal laws, at least partially. illiberal laws, then men who make this. defense are going to get away with it. And I I I'm sorry this is a dark example. to like kick off the conversation with, but I just think it's a pertinent. example of how freedom is difficult and. agency is difficult and choice is. difficult and we can say that these. things are are good generally. I think. they are good generally, but they are. virtues that need to be balanced against. other virtues. And that's the challenge. Freedom is a wonderful thing. No one.

would want to take freedom away from. human beings. But excessive freedom. without structure is not good for human. beings. So I'll just I'll use the. example because I talk about children a. lot. If you raise your children with. respect for their will, that is a good. thing, right? You don't want to raise, you don't want to quash their will. You. want to. support their individuality and support. their choices and and even when raising.

children, you're going to give them. choices. Do you want eggs or waffles for. breakfast? Do you want to wear your. green pants or your blue pants? No more. than that with small children. But if. you don't provide any structure for. them, they don't feel loved. They don't. feel secure. They don't feel stable. And. so what I'm afraid of is that we went. too far. It's not that freedom isn't a. good thing. It's that excessive freedom, without any structure at all, can also. make us feel untethered, unbound,

without connections to the people that. we're most intimate with. And that's my. concern. So, it's not that sexual. freedom isn't a good thing. It's that in. my mind, it may have gone too far. Just just add to that before you jump in. there. Um despite the general decline in. sex, especially amongst younger people, societal acceptance of casual sex has. grown quite rapidly. In the UK, approval.

of casual sex rose from just 10% in 1999. to 42% in 200. The hookup culture. Yeah. So when you say rules and structure, Erica, I'm really interested in that. turn of phrase because of course. children need rules and structure, but. women aren't children. Well, we're all. children. Men are children, too. From a. psychoanalyst perspective, there's a. child in everyone, of course. But I. think when we're talking about rules and.

grown women, we are really, really in. dangerous water because we are. looking at a society that is. increasingly closing down on women and. telling women where they could do. better, be better. If we're looking at. an extreme example, we're looking at. Iran in 1970s and women in parliament. and women walking around part of the. sexual revolution in miniskirts and. having a wonderful time. And then you're.

looking at women in Iran now. You're. walk looking at women in Afghanistan. now. Women in Afghanistan now have rules. and they have structure. They can't. stand near a window. They can't leave. the house without a man. They can't uh raise they can't use their. voice in public. They can't sing. Like. anything that says rules to me, I'm. immediately like firstly our society has. plenty of structure. We have a lot of. structure. We all have to work to make a. living. We are all encouraged into.

monogous relationships and there's a. feel that you're successful if you find. the one and get married and have 2.4. children. There's so much structure in. our lives. there's very little time for. relaxation or even considering what we. really might want to do. I would be very intrigued to know what. you mean by women should have rules. Yeah. What what do you mean? So, first. of all, I don't agree with you if I can. just uh say that I don't agree that we.

are encouraging monogamy. I think we're. encouraging polygamy. Um and I don't. mean marriage polygamy. I mean multiple. partners, young people are hooking up. Um, I wrote an article for the Institute. for Family Studies on why the statistics. on the hookup culture and what it's. doing to young people in terms of their. mental health. It's causing them to feel. um more depressed, more anxious, more. embarrassed, having more regrets, self-esteem issues. It's got some major.

implications. And we're talking the. statistics say 72 to 82% 72% of young. men and 82% of women uh young women are. feeling depressed and anxious after. these casual sexual encounters. Tinder. has an ad that says meet the love of. your night. Um it it what it does is it. takes something so sacred and intimate. and it turns it into something um not. just casual but it turns it into.

something. irrelevant, unimportant and dangerous if. you ask me. Um emotionally dangerous and. it can be physically dangerous. If. you're having casual sex, you could get. a sexually transmitted disease. AIDS is. still around. I think in a way what. we've taught our kids and what I. encourage the young people that I work. with is that um experiment with sex, care about the people that you're. experimenting with, find people who care.

about you and who you care about. So. that structure. Can I just counter about. this sort of idyllic option of monogamy. in the United Kingdom? The police. receive a domestic abuse related call. every 30 seconds. Yet it's estimated. that less that less than 24% of domestic. abuse crime is reported to the police. One in four women in England and Wales. will experience domestic abuse in her. lifetime.

On average, nearly two women are killed. a week in this country. And I know that. America has a similar story, but. probably worse because there's guns. That is, this is around the world. It's. the same in Australia. It is not an eitheror. It's not that. women were so happy and fulfilled in the. 1950s because their husbands would go to. work and I mean watch Madmen which is a. you know it's a sort of researched idea. of how things often were for women then. and men and how you know Don Draper.

would go off into the city. He would. have a fulfilling career. Then he would. sleep with any number of women and come. home to his wife who knew he was having. affairs, who could sense it, who could. vibe it, who could smell the perfume, and had to just put up with it until she. couldn't any longer. And she was at risk. of of STDs because he was going out and. doing whatever he wanted. The idea that a sort of monogamy is this. utopia. And since we've gone into a more.

hookup culture, I still think there's a. hell of a lot of pressure for people to. find the right one. Yes, people hook up. before they find the right one, but. there is pressure to have the romcom. ending. Most people, if they're hooking. up, are hooking up to have sexual. satisfaction. while they are looking for a longerterm. relationship or they're not and they're. really happy single and they're finding. fulfillment. And that is the. spaciousness and the freedom and the. autonomy to do that. I love that women.

can choose that now. I love that women. can say, "I'm really happy single. This. settling for someone who's not good. enough for me or it doesn't suit me or. it doesn't fit me doesn't have to happen. for me anymore. I can live my full self. and maybe my career is more important to. me or fulfilling or my friendships or my. desire for travel." I love that we have. options. I want the women watching this.

to appreciate. all the options that they have. All the options that they have. If they. want to be single and they want to hook. up, if they're looking but in the. meantime having that that that sexual. freedom, I want them to have it all. But. if the what they want is this monogamy. that you're talking about to find the. love of their life and settle down and. have two children or whatever they want, I want them to have that too. Deborah, can I ask? Do do you think that there is. a cost to hookup culture and casual sex. in regards to the implications it has on.

women as Erica was implying. psychologically? And is that more. adverse in women than men? I think human. beings. can suffer from too much choice. Like we. know that if you put 800 varieties of. jam out on a supermarket shelf, people. will buy less jam than if you put out. eight because they get confused and they. just think, "Oh god, I I don't know none. of it then." And they walk away. I think. the fact that we have young people. sitting in a bar on a on a hinge date.

and while the that person goes to the. bar, they're like, "What else is out. there?" I think that's bad for human. beings. I think that is bad for women, for men, for non-binary people. That's bad for. everybody. But the sort of sacredness, Erica was alluding to a sacredness of. sex itself. Yes, I think that is not a. thing that we are somehow finding women. find sex more sacred than men. I. But I didn't say that women find it. I.

think it's sacred for men and women. But. yeah, you were speaking to sort of. sacredness to it. And I know Louise, in. your work, you've you've talked about. how there's different implications for. men and women as it relates to casual. sex. So I think that hookup culture. basically is better suited to the. average preferences of men than of. women. So the a preferences of men are. more likely to be uh towards the having. lots of partners, jumping into bed. really quickly into the spectrum. basically. And this is what um.

psychologists call um socioexuality. So. men are generally more unrestricted in. their socioexuality than are women. And. hookup culture favors the highly. socioexual. And actually you can see. this if you look at campus dating. cultures and sexual cultures which are. interesting because in a way university. campuses are almost a closed. environment. You've got all these young. horny people hanging out, not very much. to do and like interacting with one. another. And on campuses which have more. men than women. So the women are the.

scarcer resource basically assuming. everyone's heterosexual, right? Um they. tend to have more uh more conservative. sexual cultures, so more monogamy, less. hooking up, people wait longer to have. sex, etc. On campuses where there are. fewer men and more women, which. increasingly is true of all universities. actually because exactly, you have the. opposite. you have more hookup culture. because basically the men are the scarce. resource and they can set the terms and. men prefer more hookup culture. There.

are obviously exceptions. You know, this. is all true, but at the population. level, I think that's really good. evidence that actually women on mass. don't like hookup culture and are. actually engaging with it because they. sort of have to. What you're talking. about there is very young women who have. just left home. It's their first. exploration into sex. Now, if you ask a. 32-year-old woman in London who knows. her body, who knows her preferences, who.

knows what kind of man turns her on, who. can talk about these things and. communicate, and you ask her, "Do you. regret that hookup?" She'll be like, "No, I was look, you know, I worked. really hard this week. I was literally. looking forward to it, and it was. wonderful." If you ask that same woman, "Do you regret any of the hookups you. had when you were a fresher?" She'll be. like, "Oh my god, I didn't know myself. I didn't know how to ask what I wanted. The boys were terrible at it because. they didn't know themselves." I don't. think universities are a great place to. get this information because that is.

when you are literally just exploring. and going, "Is this anything?" And we're. all too embarrassed to say what we want. or to say how that we like. So, you've. got to put into that mix. Boys are told you got to get laid. you. got to get laid as as you're not cool. Women, young women are told you don't. want too high a body count. You you're. going to get [ __ ] shamed. Um so you're. talking about 18 year olds don't know. themselves yet. And you're saying when.

there's when the men are scarce a. resource, it's one way, women another. way. That is exactly what I expect to. see. You're talking about 18-year-olds. that don't know themselves yet. what we are currently experiencing in. our sexual culture where yes there's. some structure yes there are some rules. but we are much much more sexual. sexually not just liberal but even. libertine than say the the sexual. culture of our grandparents or whatever. I think everyone everyone ought to be. able to agree on that there clearly is a. change now in the sexual culture from.

previous generations and it and it's. mostly to do with the pill as I argue. but um. the expectation. is kind of as You say that you just have. to figure it out. Like there isn't a. very clear template. Yes, maybe there. isn't. I think that I think that. Deborah, you are actually right that. most people do in the end aspire to. monogamy and having children and. everything, but there's also an. expectation that you're supposed to um. experiment a bit in the meantime and. it's kind of actually weird to be a. virgin on your wedding night. And I. think that yes, I mean girls have to.

tread this really difficult tight route. where on the one hand they are at risk. of [ __ ] shaming, but they're also at. risk of being called frigid if they're I. mean they they are much much more at. risk actually of being called frigid. than in previous generations and they. just I mean the idea that we can escape. from social judgment around our sexual. choices is probably not realistic. I. think that basically that's what humans. are like. We do just tend to be. judgmental about this. But anyway, I. don't think it's very wise to.

subject girls to this experience is how. I would put it to say that you have to. go through the hookup culture. They're opting out. I know young people. who are absolutely opting out. They're. not at all. I'm going to agree with her. and say freedom has become a pressure. There's become a societal pressure to be. free. So I know many young people who. are opting out of the apps. I'm a I'm a. therapist and I see so many young people. and I give lectures and people come up. to me. So I can say and I write books.

about adolescence. And I'm going to say. that mostly the term hookup culture is. used between 15 and 30. So you're. correct in saying a 32 year old woman. should have the right to have sex with. whoever the hell she wants to have sex. with. And I'm right there with you. She. should have choice whatever. But young. women, young men who are developing. emotionally, mentally should not have. the right. No. No. That's No, no. Let me. Can I finish? Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. So, you interrupted so I didn't get to. finish. Sorry. Okay. So, they're more.

vulnerable. They are more vulnerable. emotionally to what the hookup culture. does to them. There's a lot of research. to say that it causes loneliness, depression, anxiety, tons of regret, embarrassment, shame, self-esteem. issues. Um, and so, of course, we want. freedom. In fact, I'm probably more in. agreement with you on most things than. you think. But in this, I say that. freedom can become its own prison. So if.

you think about the early feminists, the really early feminists, Mary. Wallstonecraft, uh Mary Shelley, those women were. fighting patriarchy. They were fighting. a system that said they had to be a. certain way. So of course I don't accept. what Iran does to women. I mean that you. know but what's happened is if the. pendulum swings too far you have a.

different kind of patriarchy on the. other side you know we say the extreme. left and the extreme right actually meet. in the middle and so have we just not we. never want to take choice away the idea. of taking choice away from women to have. sex with whoever they want to have sex. with that's not the point of this it's. have we created a society which. pressures young women in its own way to. be promiscuous to have lots of. experiences. It's not all glorious.

freedom there. It is glorious, but it's. also not all glorious. And it can be a. it can be a pressure on young people to. get rid of their virginity, to have lots. of sexual experiences, and it's not all it's cracked up to be. for them. It really isn't. In terms of. their mental health, again they are more. um we say 9 to 25, early 27 in young men. is the second critical period of brain. development where they are very. susceptible to their relational.

experiences and their environment. And. so in that period of development, which. is mostly what we use the the term. hookup culture for, it's in that very. young developmental period. Uh it's not. just in college, it's throughout their. 20s, you know, until that woman becomes. 32. Uh that's a very vulnerable brain. And so we have created a culture that. confuses that brain that offers too many. choices that pressures them into having. multiple partners and many experiences.

and leaves them feeling empty and. lonely. Can I just say though again to the time. traveler piece I did not you recommend. Louise because I I heard you talking on. this podcast before that people don't. have sex till they're engaged. But if. you're engaged, the next step is marriage. So presumably. you're going to marry that person. I.e. you're going to sleep with the first. person you sleep with if you take that. advice is your partner. So you're going. to have one sexual partner for life.

I do not recommend that ideally because. I came from a religion where that was. the only option. And because I didn't. meet anybody, I. atrophied. I had no intimacy. I felt so lonely. Now, you're saying. sometimes people have a hookup and they. feel lonely afterwards. Totally. Of. course. That's happened to everyone. who's ever had casual sex in any.

quantity where you feel a bit like, oh, that didn't fill me up. It's like, you. know, when they say you go and have a. Chinese meal and you feel hungry half an. hour later and you were wanting more. There is no utopia here. There's only. options. And what happened to me? Because I had. no option. I had no autonomy. I became more and more atrified, more. and more lonely, more and more empty, more and more disconnected from myself. To this day, I struggle with that. I. struggle with intimacy with a with with.

because we were in such a culture of you. can't have sex before you get married. that you didn't really make eye contact. with people. You know, normal teenagers. will sit on each other's laps and just. experiment a little bit or they might. have a little kiss or whatever. If you. don't have anything like that, you can't. really look at people properly because. you know, oh, it might lead to. something. It took me so long to heal, guys. And. however old you think I was when I lost. my virginity, I was older. and it was tough because if you're.

losing your virginity very late, the person you're losing it with has had. a more regular healthy, in my opinion, sexual development. They've had their. first girlfriend or boyfriend. They've. they've experienced a few things. It's still hard for me to say what I. want. So, I don't recommend the other thing. either, which is don't have sex with. anyone until you're ready to prepared at. least to marry them. I've got a graph.

here that somewhat dovetales into this. conversation about when you should have. sex and also marriage as a subject. And. it shows that from the 197 in 1970s. roughly women would get married at about. 21 years old. And now this graph will be. on the screen. It's about 30. Men used. to get married at around 23 years old. and now it's just over 30, which is a. pretty crazy climb. So it feels to me if. the sexual revolution took place in.

around this era where we see this rapid. climb, maybe the two are somewhat. interlin, i.e. the age in which we'd be. getting married or having sex under. Louis's, you know, potential advice that. it's worth kiss. That's why that happened. It's because. it used to be that if you were having. sex with someone, you were risking. pregnancy. And now that's not I mean it. is still true because actually all. contraception fails and something like. half of women in this country get. pregnant. didn't mean to or whatever. So, the the idea that it's foolproof is. not true. But what the pill did when it.

arrived on the scene in the late '60s. was it gave the illusion that sex was. consequencefree. And it isn't on a physical level. Not. really. It's less it's less. consequential than it was because of the. pill, but the physical the physical. consequences are still there. But I. think just as importantly, it became no. less emotionally consequential. Just. because you're on the pill or using. condoms or whatever, your mind, I'm. thinking particularly of women who, as.

we talked about, bond more quickly, your. mind still thinks that this person could. well become the father of my child. you are still experiencing sex as in the. way that all of our ancestors did for. all of human history up until 5 minutes. ago until we invented this new. technology. And I think that's why it. has to I the reason that women have. evolved to be picky about who they have. sex with is because. getting pregnant is an extraordinarily.

consequential thing for women. It's. dangerous. It's difficult. It's a huge, you know, investment of their time and. of their life. And you don't want to get. pregnant by some bozo, right? That's why. women tend to be very selective about. who they're willing to have sex with and. feel really bad. And I mean, I've got to. say, I'm leaving aside words like sacred. because they're obviously difficult. because the religious implications. I. think that we should as feminists. describe sex as at least special, like.

having some kind of special status. It's. not like other kinds of socializing. It's not like having a conversation with. someone or playing tennis with someone. And we can tell that it's been doing it. wrong. Well, but we can tell. Well, it's. we could call it one of the most. intimate experiences you can have as a. human being. And that's why rape is so. bad, right? That's why feminists. bastardizes the most intimate experience. by making it into by turning it into. violence. Rape is worse than theft, for. instance. or race rape is worse than.

assault like nonsexual assault and law. and the law recognizes that and we all. socially recognize that because there is. something uniquely intimate and. therefore uniquely violating about. having sex without consent. And I think. that it's really hard actually to hold. those two things simultaneously in mind. and say sex is unimportant. It's. basically just like a skill set that you. can practice on other people that it's a. leisure activity. All this kind of. trivializes, right? and then also say, "Ah, but consensus is extraordinarily.

important." Like, why do do you not see. the contradiction there? Autonomy. If I want it, if I want somebody, especially. penetrative sex, you're talking about. rape, you're talking about penetrative. sex, there's nothing worse than somebody. inside your body violating your actual. insides. Nothing worse than that. That does not mean. that women do not have sexual urges that.

are exciting. I know I'm finished. sentence. That was that women don't have. sexual urges that are just about. attraction and a moment and fun and. play. Play is so important to human. beings. When I left that cult, it took me a long. time and a number of different sexual. experiences to find out what kind of. sexuality I even had. You can't. necessarily find it with the first. person you meet. They may not be.

sexually compatible with you. And you. may not know how to communicate well. with them and end up having a life of. very boring missionary position sex. If. you encourage young people just to have. sex with the first person they meet and. stay with that person, which I'm not. saying you're saying, but I am saying if. you don't have sex before you're. engaged, well, engagement leads to. marriage, you may end up with very. little sexual fulfillment compared to. what you could have had. You might not.

You might get lucky. The first person. you meet might just be amazing in bed. with you and you find your space. together and it might be wonderful. But. I would say that is unlikely. And I. would say that the reason that the pill. changed how much sex women had and with. with what variety of partners is because. it gave them autonomy. It gave them. agency. Suddenly I can. And guess what? When I can, I choose to try. When you. give women the choice, which the pill.

did, to have some experience, we see that most women want some. experience, want to find themselves. sexually, want to feel, oh, this or not. that or yeah, or oh, oh my god, this. one, this is amazing. I could be with. this guy forever. We hit it off. He's. great in bed. We're, you know, we're. we're working together. Oh, we've got a. little problem now, but we'll work. through it together because we love each. other. Most people do some version of. that. and maybe they hit a point in that. monogamy where this relationship isn't. working anymore or something terrible.

happens and they have another go at. that. That's that's a a large pattern. Now, how much of that is because that's. what society expects, I don't know, but. that is what most people tend to do. So. for me. saying that because one night at a music. festival I had a really passionate. exciting encounter with somebody who I. never saw again that I am somehow. minimizing rape is very disturbing. Can. I just interject and just say that um.

you're you're right in turning to me and. saying I didn't mean that you have to. marry your first partner. Um, but. there's something very important about. the emotional connection. and that's coming from maybe me being a. therapist and knowing and seeing the. pain that the young people who come to. me are in when there's no emotional. connection and they give their bodies. over. By the way, young men, too. I. think young men I think it's shifting.

actually. It's interesting what I'm. seeing in my practice. Young men are. more vulnerable than women now. Women. have taken on the role that young men. used to have emotionally. And so, you. know, women have all these choices and. now they're leaving young men in the. dust. And the young men are feeling. lonely and, you know, they they have sex. with a girl and they want to date her. and she says, "No, I'm dating. I'm. sleeping with five guys at the same. time." And these are kids in their 20s. But sex is better with emotional.

connection. That doesn't mean you have. to marry the first guy that you have sex. with. I also want to say that there is. something called neurotic repetition. A lot of the early feminists had a lot. of trauma. You had trauma. A lot of. people have had trauma. And what happens. with trauma is it tends to be like PTSD. if we have disconnection early on or. abuse or violence against us, um,

attachment disorders as I've talked. about in your other podcasts when you're. very young, it gets reenacted and. repeated throughout your life over and. over and over and over again. So, interestingly, the early feminists were. mostly traumatized women. If you look at. the histories of them, they had. physically abusive fathers, alcoholic. fathers, they had um uncles who raped. them. They had I mean terrible even. their mothers too. I mean just really. abusive parents, but mostly the men in.

their life were horrible. And so a lot. of this whole experience depends on. where you come from and what you had. If. you've had good models, I mean it's why. I sort of talk about I'm writing a book. about divorce. Why am I writing a book. about divorce if I believe in. relationships? Because divorce is going to happen and. we need to help parents to know how to. raise healthy children in spite of it. But relationships matter. They matter in. the raising of children. So when we have.

a disconnected society where we say. relationships don't matter, just sex. matters. Sex, sex, sex. Of course sex. matters. But what I say to young people. is sex is a very small part of a. relationship. It really is because in. the beginning it's hot, hot, hot. And. then as you get to know each other and. you have the daily comeings and goings. of life, it's the friendship, it's the. connection, it's the companionship, it's. the relationship. But if you've had a. lot of trauma, then you are not going to.

turn towards relationships. And you are. not going to turn towards men. If men. traumatized you and you saw a man abuse. your mother, of course you're not going. to want men in your life. So a lot of it. I think I think the feminist movement. does something which it it's first of. all I'm going to say it's done a lot of. good. I wouldn't be here. None of us. would be here without it. Those women. that took the risks we have to be. grateful toward. But I mean what it also. did is it it distorted a lot of the.

importance of relationships and how. important male and female relationships. are. I'll stop there because I've talked. too much. But can I say something about. agency because this word came up earlier. and I've been thinking about a lot about. it recently and I just find it. interesting as a subject. So I I think. that actually a better way of thinking. about agency than is this binary thing. that you know humans have agency etc is.

um is it's kind of more of a personality. trait. I think that some people are very. agentic. Some people are able to. set their minds on doing something and. they just make it happen. Those people. are very well suited to making their own. decisions. Those people hate the idea of. any kind of limits on their freedom. But they are unusual people. Most people. actually they go with the flow. They.

kind of do what other people around them. are doing. They drift a little bit. They're a little bit passive. They kind. of make decisions based on what seems. normal. They follow the template as it. appears to them in their moment. You. know, that's not necessarily a bad. thing, but it does mean that those. people are more vulnerable to. bad scripts. The problem with the sexual. liberation narrative is it assumes that. everyone is highly agentic. It assumes that everyone is capable of. being faced with all these various.

choices and saying, "I'm going to choose. this one and that one and making it. happen rather than what I think is more. realistic and particularly when you're. talking about young people." And I think. even more talking about young women, I. think young women are particularly. mimemetic and particularly I mean there. are studies showing this that women for. instance more likely to like imitate. other people's body language. They're. more likely to they pick up slang more. quickly than men do. Like young women. are very uh socially attuned like more. than any other group. They're very uh. alive towards high status and low status.

and like keen to imitate it. You also. see this with fashion, all sorts of. things, right? I think to just say to. those young women, good news, you can. choose anything you want. You can do. anything you want. Obviously, if you are. highly agentic, I think you mentioned. Deborah, young people who are just like, no, I'm not into this off the apps, not. doing it. They're highly agentic. That's. very impressive, but it's rare. Like. most people actually are basically going. to do what their peers do. And so that's. why I think just saying everyone give. everyone choice and kind of close close.

the lid and say good luck. I think that. doesn't work. I think that actually we. need to be a bit more. prescriptive. Women were less agentic before the. sexual revolution. Overall, as a. population, we are more agentic now. We. have more agency and we flex that agency. more frequently. If you are worried that young women seem. to you to be mimemetic, i.e. in. influenced by their peer group, then we. need education for what what's happening.

in that peer group. I don't disagree. with you that thinking about intimacy, thinking about do I really want to do. this with my body, do I want to let this. boy touch me here or there or this girl, you know, do this or that with me or. whatever. Of course, but that's. education so they can have agency and. that's the discussion that the parents. have ideally the schools are having. We. desperately need that. That's what we're. doing here, right? We're trying to Yeah. But rather than saying they need rules, I would say they need to be further.

attuned to their own desires, their own. body, their own environments, relationships. You know, how long does. it feel right to me? Listening to my own. body, listening to my own mind, having. confidants that they can talk to who are. older and more responsible if they don't. feel comfortable talking to their. parents cuz some kids, of course, teenagers don't necessarily go, "Mom, I. had this urge." Do you provide other. people in their community who they might. have that conversation with? There are. all sorts of ways that we can make sure.

our girls and our boys have agency and. listen to themselves. But when I hear. rules, when I hear it's just better for. them not to until they're engaged and. then just stick with that person for. life ideally, I fear that is going. taking us back generations. And women. 100% were not happier then. They put us. put up with more. I I do want to. separate um young people from what you.

were talking about adult women. I I want. to separate them because they're not the. same species. Um there's so much. development going on in adolescence. And. adolescence, as I said, goes on till 25. So by the time you're an adult woman, you are for the most part developed. by. the time you get to 32, you know, there's going to be stuff going on, but. the major part of your personality and. character development is is pretty much. set. And so that developing period is. really more my concern. It's not that.

I'm not concerned about my older. patients who come to me and talk about. how free sex and, you know, multiple. partners makes them feel good. I would. say great, it's your choice. You know, if that makes you feel good, wonderful. But in young people where they're. developing, I agree with you that we. need more education. Um I I'm all for. more education, but I'm for education. right now in schools. Too much sex. education if you ask me. Um it uh we're.

teaching 9-year-olds about anal sex. We're teaching them about genital warts. That's not something a nine-year-old. needs to know, you know, in school. So, but I think we're not teaching them. about emotional connection, about. relationships, about family, about about. the arc of a life that if you want to be. single and you want to have multiple. partners and you want to be free, that's. your choice. I have no problem with. that. But we're not teaching about the. importance of connection and emotional.

connection and building families. And. so, what do we have? We have a bunch of. young people out there who are having. sex but feeling empty and lonely and. depressed and anxious and and not. knowing why because we are teaching sex. but we're not teaching about connection. Can I also say and I don't know that. it's true that in the UK that we're. teaching nine-year-olds about anal by. the way but the thing that's lacking in. sex education often here is pleasure.

They do not talk about how how. pleasurable how pleasurable it can be or. that girls should be when they have. their first sexual experience ideally as. young women that not girls of course. they should be young women they should. be of age. that their pleasure matters. there's so many young women who at the. first just go I guess I have to do this. and he has to find pleasure in it But.

learning what makes your own body. feel pleasure is a wonderful wonderful. thing. Knowing that it it it can give. you great intimacy and it can be a. lifelong relationship partner and all. So that's a 1950s idea. The 1950s were a. time I mean nobody wants to go back to. the 1950s. You know when I the books. that I write people come up to me and. they say you want women to go back to. being pregnant and barefoot in the. kitchen. I'm like what? No, we don't. want to go back to the 50s because women. didn't have choice and women didn't know.

about orgasm and they didn't know about, you know, that sex could be pleasurable. and um so we don't want to go back. We. want to move forward. We want to take. the best of the highlights of the past. and not leave all of the good parts of. the past behind and, you know, take the. good parts of the feminist movement, too. But there's a lot of it that's not. so good. And I'm going to a agree with. Louise that there are so many young. women and older women, but let's just. say young women. Don't point at me and.

say older women. No, no, no. I'm old, too. Older. I over 32. I'll admit to. over 32, Erica, and that's all I can. say. But that's all we're doing. That's. all we're doing. You're older than 25. There are so many young women who um are. looking to understand the secret sauce. what what is going to make them the. happiest? You know, I don't love the. word happy, but I think our young people. are so very unhappy. They have never.

been so unhappy. The statistics on. mental illness and unhappiness and. loneliness are we have all this sexual. freedom. We have all of these feminist. ideals and yet young women are so very. unhappy. I think we've got a causation. correlation problem there. I think the. world is not well. We are we are really. looking down the barrel of climate. change, land wars, cost of living is out. of control. Young people will never own.

a home unless their parents give them an. enormous amount of money. There are so. many factors feeding into the. unhappiness of people of all ages. And. young people look at this long future. and go, "What is this going to be for. me?" I think to blame feminism for that. uh is misguided. It's a piece of the. puzzle. And remember that my lens is a. lens of seeing patients who come to me. for relational issues. So therefore, you're you've got a biased set of.

information. The people that are unhappy. with their relationships come to you. Yes, everything's a piece of the puzzle. But if it wasn't this, it would be that. And what that was was, you know, oh, I'm. stuck with this person now that I'm. we're not having sex and it's a. miserable time and he doesn't talk to me. and I don't talk to him, but I can't. really get out of it. Human beings find. ways to be dissatisfied with their lot. in life. Somebody who we look at and go, "My god, they're so fortunate. They've. got everything they want." Is probably. one of the unhappiest people, you know,

because they're going, "Is this all. there is?" You know, that's why often. you'll see like a a rock star or a movie. star get absolutely everything they want. and they have to go up a mountain to. talk to a guru because they're like, "Well, I was hoping that I'd be super. successful and wealthy and, you know, have all this choice and now I've got. that and I'm still not happy." And. the idea that we can look at unhappiness. with what is here and then say if this. wasn't here but that was here those same.

people would be blissfully happy is. doesn't bear out with history. So I. actually think what does bear out is. that human beings universally from birth. crave security. We know that they crave. safety and security and stability from. birth. And we don't teach that. We say. just be impulsive, be in the moment. And. I think that's a lot of what's causing. the unhappiness is that we don't help. educate and strategize what a good life.

means to you. Now, maybe for you, a good. life is just being free and, you know, having a great career. And I have no. problem with that. I'm I'm the first one. to say the women's movement gave women. choice to have the life they want to. have. Absolutely. I think there's a lot. of women who feel bullied by this. narrative of freedom. They feel bullied. by it. And I listen I I hear it in my. practice. I see it online on my uh you.

know uh my Instagram following and. people writing and you're right I have a. particular lens. So people may come to. me because of that. But what I will say. is that there is. it the feminist movement at least the. second wave of the feminist movement was. a little bit of a cabal in a sense that. it was a small group of women saying. every woman should feel this way. Every. woman should want to go out to work and. leave their children in daycare. Every. woman should want free sex. And the.

bottom line is a lot of women don't. A. lot of women want the choice to be. respected, to have intimate and loving. and marital relationships and monogamy, and they want to be able to stay home. with their children and have society. say, "You are amazing." and admire them. for it. And and what I know is that. there's a lot of young women and adult. women who are feeling um pressured to. live a life that isn't making them. happy, that is without relationships, that's without having one intimate.

partner, that is um you know freedom. without any limits. If women feel bullied by freedom, I feel. like they should try the alternative. I. I I. still feel the predominant narrative is. the romcom one. The predominant. narrative is you should be married by 30. with a white dress. Everyone should. stand around and say you've done it now. You should have babies. That to me is. still the predominant narrative that you.

are successful if you have achieved. these things. Now it is true that um. many women feel also they should have. some kind of career. That is very true. But I feel like a the main thing that. women are asked to aspire to, if you. really look around, it is still find the. one, have the romcom ending. And I do. not see this idea that women are told. the whole time we should be out on the. town sleeping with everyone in town. Far. from it. And I I know this isn't true.

because I I went to a school that's a. very very good girl school. It's a state. school but a very very high-end one in. London in 2018 when we were all out. marching in the street the women's march. recently I went back and all those girls. are talking about being a high value. woman which is from the manosphere and. not too high having having not too high. a body count these are obviously. different girls the ones 2018 went off. to university. that's in seven years they were saying. you know in 20 in 2018 2019 around that.

time they were saying no [ __ ] shaming. listen to your body. They weren't saying. run around and have sex with everybody. or I've got to have a lot of lovers. They were saying I I I make my own. decisions. I don't, you know, listen to. patriarchal ideas about how I need to. live my life. I am going to go to. university. I'm going to meet people and. make meaningful relationships and some. of those will be friendships. They are. now talking manosphere talk. I made the.

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I'm excited for you. I am. Manosphere. talk. Um, I was I found this graph as. well, which just shows the sort of. explosion in people searching tradife, which means traditional wife. Yeah. And. it seems from. 2024, there's been this real explosion in. people searching for this trend. And you. said something a second ago, Erica, about young boys in particular being. more vulnerable I think with your words. than the young girls that you're seeing. Yeah. So, how do these ideas come. together to to and also link in and.

parlay into this word manosphere because. this subject of manosphere has been at. the very forefront of conversation. It's. everything's a little out of balance. Everything's a little out of whack. So, it was out of whack in the 50s and so we. fixed it and now it's out of whack in a. different way. Uh we went from the. patriarchy of men dominating women to. now we have the patriarchy of women. dominating men. I mean, what we need to. do is not go back, but come to the. middle. We need to It just makes common. sense. How are we dominating men, though? Oh my goodness. Um, that 60% of.

college students are women and graduate. students. Dominating. Let me finish. Let me. finish. Young men are afraid of women. and the power they have over them to. accuse. No, it's true. In universities, it's a real thing. I know because I have. two sons and um you know there is again. the correction was necessary. We needed. to course correct in society. Absolutely. But we've gone so far. So we.

took so the men were powerful and the. women weren't. So the women said give us. some power. So now the women took the. power and now the men feel powerless. You need a society that's balanced. It. needs to be balanced. And the idea was. that where we wanted to go and and the. truth is that all movements often go to. extremes. The women's movement, those. women had to go to extremes because to. change society, you have to do that, right? So should some women not go to. university? Is that what you're saying?

No. But actually, I think there needs to. be a balance in society of men and. women. If we say that we are going to be. like Amazon women and not need men. anymore, the truth is that the way it. works is that by the research is that um. women will marry at their educational. level or above and men will marry at. their educational level or below. That. means that because we have fewer men in. college and graduate school, women are.

not finding partners. I'm just going to. jump in there and talk about a report. that came out in 2025 which um sent. shock waves across the UK. It was called. the Lost Boys report. I think we we. might have talked about this uh in a. previous episode, but it was a report by. the Center of Social Justice which. highlighted how many young men are now. struggling in school, facing increased. mental health problems and lacking. positive role models, leaving them lost. and isolated. And as a result, they said. they suggested that many of them are. turning to what we call the manosphere. And to give a definition to the. manosphere because I didn't actually. know what it was. The definition I have. from Cambridge dictionary is manifir.

includes websites and discussion groups. focused on men's rights which often. oppose feminism in some way. And just to. give a sort of a a topline look at some. of the stats around this. By age 5, 25%. of boys in the UK are falling behind in. language communication skills compared. to just 14% of women. At GCSE level boys. results are on average half a grade. lower than girls. The same applies for. mental health and wellbeing. Obviously, we know about the suicide rates in young. men. Um, with nearly three and a half,

they're nearly three and a half times. higher than those of young women. Eating. disorders have risen as well in young. men. And from an employment perspective, as of late 2024, 15.1% of men aged 16 to. 24 were not in education. Um, compared. to 11% of women, which equates in the UK. to about 550,000 men. And lastly, um, young women are between the age of 16. and 24 now earn nearly 10% more than. their male peers, reversing the. traditional gender pay gap in this age. group. And I could go on and on and on.

Specifically, the things that I've kind. of not talked about are just how family. dynamics have changed. And by by age 14, nearly half of firstborn children do not. live with both natural parents compared. to 1970. And this was this was really shocking. And I think it really rose an argument. which I saw play out in I saw the Sunday. Times do a big piece about it. I saw it. on LinkedIn which is what is going on. here. And is this a clue as to why we. now have this term manosphere? It's a. reaction manosphere is a reaction to the. the pendulum swinging too far. The.

pendulum needed to swing for sure. I. slightly disagree. So I think I spoke at. the beginning about the sexual. revolution being two things. So one is. the ideological thing we've we've spoken. about quite a lot and the other is the. material changes which no one designed. really like this wasn't coordinated by. anyone. This just happened. This is just. how technology goes. And I think in. general that history should best be. understood as technology with everything. else kind of running along in its wake. including ideology. I actually think a.

massive thing that that's going on with. young men, it's not actually feminism. that has messed them up. It's actually. technology and economics. So it's that. one of the. the most consequential things of the. 20th century and before this is really. industrial revolution onwards is male. strength became less important. economically. Blue collar work is less valuable than. it used to be. It's less available than. it used to be. It turns out America was.

saying that girls um predominate at. universities. girls actually tend to be. better suited to a lot of work which has. flourished in this era. So say service. sector work or um uh working in. education and things like that. there's. basically been a boom in um areas of. life which are better suited to women. professionally and the opposite has. happened with men and I really think. that a lot of what's going on with men. say turning to the manosphere is this.

feeling of being. economically devalued. and there are feminists who cheer that. on but that's not basically that's that. pretty much has actually nothing to do. with ideology it's actually to do with. just much bigger changes in the world. and we should expect by the way I mean. if AI continues a pace we should expect. to see the same sort of social effects. happening that this this when you change. how people earn their money and. particularly when we're talking about. people matching up like women tend to.

want to marry a man who I think being a. provider is not quite right I think what. women really want though is a man who. provides excellent insurance a man who. when you've just had a baby and you. can't work or you're ill or you want to. spend more time home your children, whatever. You want a man who can step up. and can look after your family. And. unfortunately, the nature of the economy. means that there actually aren't that. many of those men. And that that makes. men feel really bad and it makes women. feel resentful and it creates a lot of.

dysfunction. And it's not really. anyone's fault. It's just what's. happened. I want a partner. I want. someone that when things are going badly. for them, I'm there. when things are. going badly for me, they're that they're. there for me. Like, I want a partner. I. don't want this biological essentialism. of he's got to step up and be the. provider and the protector. I don't want. that. Deborah, can I ask to that point. then on that partnership? Um, as a man, I still kind of assume that a woman is.

more likely to choose me if I have more. money than her and I can pay the bills. and I take care of And so I looked into. some of the research around that and. there's still an expectation amongst. women that their their male partner will. earn much more than them. And when they. did they did this this big I think it's. about 70%. I'll put the right stat on. the screen. When they did this big. analysis of dating behavior where they. looked at 1.8 million online dating. profiles across 20 different countries. if you earned more so if you had higher. income you are 255% more likely to get. an indication of interest on these.

applications. And so I I would love to. live in a world where that wasn't the. case. But it seems that women are still. choosing men that earn much more money. and that expectation of therefore being. the provider is so inherent in. reproductive success as a man. There's a. reason for that though. So what we. haven't talked about, can we talk about. children now? Sure. We can talk about. whatever you like. Um if you want to. raise children and be the primary. attachment figure for your children and. it's usually the mother. Sometimes it's.

the father now, but it's still usually. the mother. Children need a primary. attachment figure as present as possible. in the first 3 years if they are going. to be mentally healthy in the future. All of the research shows that if you're. going to be as physically present as. possible, unless you've saved a lot of. money as a woman, you need to depend on. your partner, on your team member. My. husband and I were a team before we had. children. We both earned a lot and. worked really hard and spent our money. equally. But then we decided it was a.

strategy. We were going to have children. and I was going to work as little as. possible so I could be there for them. And he did the bulk of the earning. And. now the joke is I'm out in the world and. I'm going to be taking over and he's. going to be sitting by the pool, you. know, and I'd be fine with that. But. that's what teamwork is. But the idea. that I could lean on my husband. financially in those years and not have. to earn money and be able to be present. for my children, there is a very good. reason why that is critical for. children. And we don't talk about.

children. We're sitting here. This is. the first time we talked about children. We're talking about adults uh and and. individuals and no children are. dependent on us. If you you don't have. to have children to be happy, but if you. are going to bring children into this. world, you have a responsibility to. those children. And it surpasses any. individual desire you may have. And. you're saying the mother should be there. in those opening years. The primary. attachment figure who's usually the. mother. Daycare is terrible for. children. Let's define daycare. Daycare.

is anything under the age of three. Otherwise we call it preschool. We used. to call it nursery school. 3 to five. before kindergarten. Okay. So anything. under the age of three where you put. your child in group care is daycare. And. what it really is, they're day. orphanages. You separate a baby who. needs skin-to-skin contact, the sound of. their mother's voice, her eyes, her. physical and emotional presence to soo. that baby when they're in distress from. moment to moment to help to regulate. their emotions. So, two things mothers.

do. They buffer children from stress, which is so important because the part. of their brain that regulates stress is. meant to remain offline for the first. year and very quietly slowly come online. for the next two years. So what are we. doing? We're throwing babies into these. institutional orphanages. It's. overstimulating. It's stressful. If you. walk into any daycare, you are going to. hear many, many children crying. Children are not meant to cry much in. the first year. They're meant to be held.

by their mothers and and held against. their mother's bodies. So they buffer. children from stress and they regulate. their emotions. So what we're seeing as. a mental health crisis is a crisis of. emotional regulation issues in children, adolesccents and adults. Depression, anxiety, ADHD, these are all emotional. regulation issues. That means people. cannot regulate their emotions. And so. we're just giving them pills. We're not. saying where does emotional regulation. come from? What's the origin of it? And.

the origin of it is in the very early. days of your life. If you had a mother. who soothed you when you were in. distress from moment to moment, it. regulates your emotions. So it's only. after three, 85% of the right brain is. developed by three. It's only after. three that you internalize the start to. internalize the ability to regulate your. own emotions or to deal with stress and. adversity in the future. So does that. mean that if I'm not home as a mother. for those early 3 years, you think. there's possible chances that my child.

might grow up to be somewhat traumatized. or have some kind of It is not what. nature intended for us. And so we have. made social changes that are about. narcissism and self-orientation and me. me and don't involve an understanding of. children's irreducible developmental. needs. And if we did, then maybe more. women wouldn't have children. And that. would be fine. I have no problem. I'm. not a pronatalist. You don't have to. have children to be happy. You can, you. know, build businesses, build houses,

have loving, intimate relationships, not. have children. But if you're going to. have children, you need to know that. drop dropping and running, putting them. in daycare, or now, let's talk about. very poor women because this is always. going to come back at me. What about. very poor women? There are so many. solutions. for very poor women that do not involve. daycare. And I hate when people say poor. women have to rely on daycare. Why. should they have to rely on daycare when. rich women don't have to rely on.

daycare? And the truth is there are. other solutions. Poor women can live. together and support one another and. form communities. They can share care of. a caregiver. It's far better to have a. single surrogate attachment figure, a. babysitter who is a full-time babysitter. than putting a child in daycare. So, if. you can't be there and you're poor and. you have to work, then it's far better. to have first kinship bonds, someone. who's related to you because it's going. to be a more similar investment in that. child than anyone else. Secondly, a.

single surrogate caregiver, a babysitter. or nanny. If you can't afford it, share. the care with another mother because. that's still going to be better for that. child than uh than putting them into an. institutional group environment. Because. what you're doing is you're basically. putting uh usually no less than five. children with one caregiver under the. age of three. In in some cases, it's. under the age of one. And if you've ever. had a baby crying, you know that that.

baby is going to get the other babies. crying. And now you have five babies. crying. There's no way you can soo them. in when they're in distress. There's no. way you can regulate all those babies. emotions. We are doing terrible damage. to our children by putting them in. daycare. Now, daycare was the feminist. agenda. It was about the the second wave. of feminism. They said, "Put your babies. in daycare. It's the only way you're. going to go back back to work and work. work." And and they didn't talk about. children. The first wave of feminists, they talked about children. Um Mary.

Shelley and Mary Wstonecraft, they. believed that mothering was powerful. work. It was work. It was a career. It. was admired. It was elevated. They also. believed in fighting the patriarchy. They believed in equality. But they. didn't forget about mothering. The. second wave of feminists, I think it was. Betty Friedan said that um staying at. home with your children was she called. it a concentration camp with comforts. That was the beginning of the tide.

That's when the tide turned for women. where the narrative changed. So women. felt women who were loving being mothers. and loving raising children suddenly. were told that they were in a. concentration camp and that they were. prisoners and oppressed. And some of. them were and some of them probably. shouldn't have had children. And many of. them weren't. And even today me we. people write me every day and say thank. you for saying what you say because. society's narrative is so uh much about.

we have no value unless we go out into. the workforce. So can I ask you. genuinely want to know what. baby boomers tended to be raised by. stay-at-home mothers because financial. world was totally different then like. you know we're not when you talk about. very poor women I have university. educated friends who cannot afford to. buy a property anywhere they don't have. parents that can give them money they're. never going to be able to save that much.

money and they move out of a rented. property probably once a year because. the landlord moves them on and then the. boiler is not working and so on and so. on and so on. And I have a local food. bank that I donate food to and I often. get chatting to people. There are. nurses, full-time nurses who live in. London who have two children at home who. the the hospital cannot have any more. nurses leave because there is there are. not enough nurses. It's a real problem. that the NHS is so understaffed. Various. reasons for that in America too. But the.

nurses can't give up their job because. their children would have nothing to. eat. They are at food banks with a. full-time nursing job. So, we're not. talking about, you know, I don't really. know what you mean by very poor women. I. There are women with professional roles. who will never own own their own home, who are struggling to keep the lights. on, struggling to put food on the table. Now, when I heard you talk on Steven's. podcast before, you said, "Well, look, you know, people don't want to. downscale, and when when my children.

were young, we did without things like. second homes and vacations." And Erica, there is no hope for a second home now. for anyone. And I understand that's. different. Your generation was. different. No, but that's why I said. women who are workingass and must work. There are solutions for those women that. don't involve putting their children in. daycare. And we're not discussing those. solutions. But do you see, listen, I. would love if the government of every. government would say, "Here's the option. to stay home for 3 years. Here's here.".

Well, and great, they should Hungary, there are some and that is amazing. And. I think lots of parents, and for me, I. don't think it has to be the mother, and. I've got friends who are same-sex. parents and who have the most incredible. uh relationships with their children. I. don't think it has to be a mother, but I. I feel like there's lots and lots of. parents who would love to stay home for. three years with their children and be. able to afford that and to be able to. afford to get and and that that. corporations would then go, you know,

there's a lot of evidence that if you. take three years off to raise your. child, when you come back, you've got a. whole new skill set. You Yeah, there's. books written about that. Oh my god. You. go back into the financial district, you've negotiated with a toddler for. three years, step inside. Absolutely. And yet often that is not recognized. women are pushed out of the workforce. So, I am 100% with you that attachment. is important and that many parents would. love to take three years off and this is. not being made possible by unregulated.

capitalism by governments who do not. care. Agree. And I'm from America where. we don't have any paid leave at all. Absolutely. You know, I just I go I go. and advocate on the hill for this. I. mean, I've been advocating for a decade. for paid leave and I don't seem to be. getting anywhere, but I'm trying. What. are your thoughts on this, Louise, in. terms of the role that feminism has had. on mother mothers and motherhood and. someone in the trenches? So, we I I. mean, I should say I partly as a. consequence of reading Erica's work and. also having you on my podcast. Um, we.

have moved heaven and earth to not put. our children in daycare, which has. involved quite a lot of like creative. thinking and we are poorer than we would. otherwise have been, you know, and and. people look at us like we're crazy. sometimes and think, why why have you. made your life so complicated? And it's. because um me and my husband both have. this really strong feeling that we don't. want to put them in institutional. childare. And that is weird. And one of. the things that I really don't like in. the UK policy space and I this is true. in other countries like the US too is.

that governments at about the turn of. the millennium seem to have cottoned on. to the fact that they can use women to. boost GDP. And um David Goodhart, who's a a friend. and author, he wrote a book recently. called The Care Dilemma. And he. described this this uh historical event. as a one-time boost to GDP. It's not. replicable. But in really the 1990s, obviously the sexual revolution predates. this, but really the 1990s is when you. see this massive surge of working.

mothers. This idea that you should be. out of the house 40 hours a week, children daycare, that's pretty new. and. governments like this because. governments like women paying taxes. Mhm. And I think that to some extent. some should we say non-maternal feminism. has been a little bit naive about this. and thinking that if we can get the. government to support daycare based. initiatives that that's good for women.

There's so much research on this showing. that actually most women find it really. really hard and it's a it's a very. common thing in mom's groups and on. social media and and so on and women. thinking I do not want to leave my my. 66% of women in UK want to stay home if. they bring all want to work stay home. more yeah and what I object to is the. current arrangement that we have in the. UK and elsewhere where the government. does nothing for you if you're a. stay-at-home mother the government. actually punishes families in the tax. system if you're a single earner a.

family, you will earn you will pay more. tax than if you earn the same amount but. across two incomes. You are directly. punished. This was deliberately. established as a quote unquote feminist. policy so that it would so that it would. channel women back into the workforce. after they'd had children. I also don't. like the fact that the only setup that's. available in terms of getting any kind. of funding from the government is for. daycare. You can't put money towards a. nanny. you can't put money towards. having your a grandparent or an aunt or. something help. Yeah. The only way that.

you can get any kind of subsidy is. through daycare. And I think that I mean. talking about choice that's removing. choices from women and most women don't. want to take that choice and they're. doing it because they're being channeled. in that direction by economic forces. which I object to. But I don't think. that's that's to call it a feminist. policy. It feels like guilting women. twice. what I said at the top about. relieving women from this emotional. burden of guilt. I feel like if that's a. that's a cap an unregulated capitalist. policy, that is not a feminist policy. I.

I think what she which if I heard her. correctly, she said that they were using. feminism in a way. They used it um as a. as a banner, but it's actually the. government wanting the GDP. I mean, that's what I heard. I don't know. Yeah. Well, and also it's a policy. The thing. is that women disagree on stuff, right? So, including, you know, present company. included. Um, some women I mean this is kind of the. whole story of the second wave. There. are some women who for temperamental or. life circumstance reasons have benefited.

from this. For instance, pushing daycare. as one example. I could I could list. loads. There are some women who are more. temperamentally inclined to work. full-time, who don't like being stay at. home moms, who find it boring, frustrating, whatever it is. Can I ask. you a question, Stephen? Go ahead. Would. you take a three-year career break? Would you be able to do that? Would I be. able to take a threeear emotionally, mentally? So, I would be It's possible,

but my. would that be my choice? No. It's. obviously possible because I have the. means to. So, I'm a different person. I'm slightly more privileged person to. ask. But would I want to take three. years off my career, stop doing this um. to. solely raise children? I would I would. not want to. You would struggle. And and. the thing is men aren't expected to. So, we have different nurturing hormones. We. have a biology that's really different.

I I think we just need to take into. account. that no one is judging Steven for saying. that. But if I said just couldn't do it, people would be like. and that societal expectation and that. societal guilt needs to be acknowledged. But men and women are different. They. are different. Steven could say other. things which would have people's jaws on. the floor like I don't want to. financially support my wife and child. I. think people would be quite shocked by. that. I mean we just have different. expectations from I just don't want to.

go back to men are from Mars and women. are from Venus. No no I want to give. some evidence of that. So there is. hormonal research to show that men and. women respond to nurturing differently. We have different hormones, different. amounts of hormones. They come, it comes. from different parts of our brain. Uh. women produce when they give birth, when. they breastfeed, when they nurture their. young, they produce a ton of oxytocin if. they're healthy. Oxytocin helps you to. attach to your baby. And it also is is. inversely connected to cortisol. So it.

lowers the baby's stress. It lowers your. stress and it raises the well-being of. the baby and the well-being in you. And. so what we know is that oxytocin is. passed back and forth between babies and. mothers. Right brainto right brain. connection. Oxytocin makes mothers. sensitive empathic nurturers. It makes. them very attuned to the distress of. their babies. When fathers produce. oxytocin when they stay home, it comes. from a different part of their brain and. it makes them more playful tactile. stimulators of babies. They tickle the. babies. They throw them up in the air.

They chase them around. They encourage. uh risktaking. They encourage. exploration. They're great with uh with. separation. But in terms of providing. that emotional security and that. emotional regulation in those early. days, mothers do it differently. Fathers. produce a lot of vasopressin. It's. called the protective aggressive. hormone. There was a study that was done. where fathers and mothers lay in bed. together. It was done in the UK. And. when the baby cried, almost nearly every. time the mother woke up in the middle of.

the night to the baby's cries and the. father slept through it. But when there. was way, listen, when there was a. rustling of leaves outside the window, the fathers woke up and the mother slept. through it because of the predatorial. threat. We are wired. We are mammals. We. are not better than mammals. We are. mammals. And mammals have been doing. this for thousand for millennium. And. evolutionarily there's there's a reason. why we have different responses, different nurturing behaviors that are. correlated with our hormones. We are not.

the we are equal in so many ways, but we. are not the same in terms of our. nurturing behaviors. That doesn't mean a. father can't learn. It doesn't mean a. father who wants to be the stay-at-home. dad can't learn to be a sensitive, empathic nurturer, but if we can't. acknowledge that we're different, then. we can't teach what we need to teach. You said we need education. We need all. kinds of education, but you can't. educate a father that he's different. than a mother if you're not admitting. that he's different than a mother. We. are different with exceptions. We're.

we're it's not it's not men from Mars, women from Venus. It's overlapping B. curves. So, there are outliers, but but. at the population level, which is what. we're talking about, you have to. acknowledge that there are differences. Did you say that six, what was that. number you cited? 66% of women would. like the opportunity to be able to stay. at home. That's a UK figure. 60% in. America, 66% in the UK. I don't know the. numbers on men, but I would guess that. it's really low. And that I know that. there are other statistics around. when fathers aren't earning that can.

cause I mean it's kind of difficult to. because there are obviously confounding. factors. Maybe fathers aren't earning. because they are very depressed or. because they're have poor health or. something like that. But when fathers. aren't earning that tends to be bad for. relationships, bad for men's. self-esteem. Like I think. whether this is a good thing or a bad. thing, I think the truth is that most. people. aspire to something like kind of. traditional gender roles with some. flexibility. And I don't think that we.

should consider that to be like some. inconvenient problem. I think that if. that's what human beings are like, then. our politics ought to accept that and. allow people to flourish and allow. people to have the things that they want. while trying to ameliate the trade-offs. So, you're you're agreeing with me that. we need agency and autonomy and people. need to choose because men are taller. than women, right? That's an observable. fact. Overall, it doesn't give you any. information at all about me and Tom.

Cruz. So, we're talking about trends. We're. not talking about the first time Steven. holds his baby and nurtures it and. thinks, "Bloody hell, I'm going to take. a year off cuz I can afford to and wants. to do that." It it the all we can ever. talk about is trends. We cannot talk in. absolutes because we don't have any. information about what I as a if I were. a mother, what I should do or what. Steven should do as a father. But what. about policy? So, like the example I. gave, right? The fact that at the moment.

you basically will not get any money. from the British government unless you. put your child in daycare. They will not. give you money for being a stay home. parent etc. That's a policy choice and. we can't be neutral about that. We have. to decide are we going to incentivize. one thing or another. In practice it's. fantastical to say we just need to give. people as many choices as possible. That's not how humans work and it's not. how societies work because societies are. greater than the sum of their parts. So. another example, Elizabeth Warren of all. people wrote a book called the two. income trap. I forget when the '9s I.

think this was before she became a. really prominent American politician. where she argued that one of the really. important things in boosting house. prices in America and this is true. elsewhere. There are other factors too. like mortgage interest rates and stuff. But one of the reasons why house prices. have rocketed and have made it more. difficult to be a single earner family. or to be a nurse and feed your children, you know, as we were talking about is. because banks started giving mortgages. based on two incomes. And it became.

possible to this this crucial legal. change in in Britain happened in the. 1990s similar elsewhere. Basically, instead of just borrowing. against the father's income, you're. borrowing against both incomes. And then. all of a sudden, house prices go up. because people have more money to spend. And it becomes disastrous for a family. who are paying their mortgage based on. and of course rent because rent is all. just downstream of property prices. paying their mortgage on the expectation. that they have two incomes. This is a. really good example of why you can't.

just think at the individual level. It. would be really easy to say, well, just. give women choices. with fine. The. problem is when it becomes the norm and. when it becomes public policy for a. certain choice to be made, suddenly. everyone has to make that choice or they. suffer serious consequences. And of. course, people can be weird and there. are people I know them who look at the. property price problem and say, "No, I. want to be a stay at home mother. I'm. going to move house. I'm going to like. take up some cottage industry job at.

home." Like, you can do it, but you have. to be agentic. But also, can you can you. live on an Etsy shop and to have a. slightly smaller house? That's not what. I know. I I people are really. struggling, guys. We need these. governments to step up a and allow this. And we need corporations to say, you. know, you can have a three-ear break and. come back if this is the ideal thing. What I would also say is I think it's. extremely important for whichever parent. decides to be the primary carer to have.

windows outside where they get fed. emotionally, intellectually, creativ. creatively. If what floats their boat is. early childhood development and that's. enough for them, that's great. That's. that's autonomy. That's awesome. But. that is not most people's experience. A. lot of my friends tell me that. effectively having a child is becoming. an unpaid Uber driver for someone who. doesn't want to go to karate and hates. you anyway. And it's hard hard work. But.

that's that is a narrative that I'm. going to push back on, which is part of. the problem, which is that it's the. narrative of misery, which has been. promoted. And it's not miserable to have. children. It's joyful. It's the most. incredible love you'll ever experience. in your life, but it's also really hard. And I think we have a bunch of [ __ ]. actually, right? We are producing, we. are producing women and men who are. [ __ ] And I'll tell you what I mean. by that. They cannot deal with.

discomfort. They cannot deal with. frustration. They cannot deal with. sacrifice or hardship or responsibility. They want it to be easy. Who said. raising children was easy? You don't get. the good stuff unless you put in the. work. And it's the same if you're out in. the world. Of course, it's easier to go. to a job than it is to stay home with a. child because a child demands more of. you, but it also gives back more. And. I'm going to say this is not a binary. equation here. So, 66% may want to stay.

home, but they may want to stay home and. have part-time work or do some work from. home. It may not be as binary as as. you're making it out to be. It's not. like you have to stay home for three. years. And it's not an elitist idea. So, can I just answer the guilt question. because I didn't get to answer that. because you said you're making a lot of. women feel guilty. So, guilt is actually. quite a healthy emotion. in small supply. Guilt is a very. healthy. It means that your ego is. functioning. So, if we're not just. preoccupied as women on our own needs.

and desires and self-orientation and. narcissistic. uh sort of wishes, then listen listen. then we have no you I mean if we're not. just concerned with ourselves then when. we leave our very very very young. children we should feel badly. because we those children need us. If we. stop feeling badly for our children when. we leave them, you break the bond. You.

can't turn off attachment. So, a little. bit of guilt means your ego is. functioning. It's a good sign. Now, the. response to that may not be that you can. stay home with your children, even. part-time, but at least it informs you. So, whatever time you have with your. children, you spend it wisely. I mean, I. think it was um it was Penelopey Leech. who said well before me that don't have. children if you don't want to care for. them because you can have a very.

productive and creative life without. having children. But if you're going to. have children, you need to care for them. and they're your responsibility. Can I. push back on the word narcissistic? Because I'm thinking of those nurses. that I met down at the food bank. One of. them had a I think a nine-year-old and. the others had the other had two small. ones. the idea that that woman is. narcissistic in any way. I just You've. used it a couple of times and that she. should feel guilty when she drops that. child off. I I feel so sad that it's.

another layer of oh, it's this healthy. guilt. Women feel so much guilt all the. time. Nobody is worried that women. aren't feeling guilty enough. They are. trying so hard and this world is. becoming more and more and more and more. and more fraught with inequality. That nurse is running around desperately. trying to give people. One of them said. to me at one point, I want to give. people even a good death. I don't want.

to leave them. I have to go over here. and throw medicine at this person. This. person is dying. I want to sit with them. and hold their hand because they don't. have any family or they're not here. We're talking about this the most. empathetic person. I think we're asking. too much of women. Well, evidently, but. to say that that you use the word. narcissistic because she's going to do. her job as a I didn't call that woman. narcissistic. I said there's a. tremendous amount of narcissism out. there in women and in men that they do.

not think about their children first. They think about them. Now that doesn't. mean that nurse that nurse may be the. exception and there's a lot of. exceptions but the truth is we have a. very narcissistically oriented society. We do that's why we have all these. narcissistic disorders. What do you. think addictions are? Eating disorders, alcoholism, drug addiction, these are. all narcissistic disorders. So why are. they on the rise? Because narcissism. doesn't make you a bad person. A. narcissistic disorder means you were.

neglected as a child and you form. defenses to help you to cope with that. neglect and that abandonment. And we are. neglecting and abandoning our children. on a very fundamental level in the years. that they need us most. And they are. developing as a result narcissistic. disorders in childhood, adolescence, and. adulthood. Louise, I want to just bring. you into this for a second because I. know you're a mother of two two young. boys. There was a comment made earlier. about many women consider parenthood and. I don't want to mischaracterize anything. you said Deborah but to be why would. they want to be an unpaid Uber driver. I.

was saying that like that's sometimes. the experience. It's not just all roses. and happiness and joy. So therefore you. need something outside for your head. space. That's what I mean. I don't mean. you can't be a full-time parent. I do. mean. mo a lot of people don't just find it a. a singular joy and they just need a. little something outside even if they. can afford to stay home which most. people can't. That's what I mean. So to. that point and then also to the point. about narcissism and individualism. What. are your thoughts here? I'm primarily. angry with politicians. Okay. In terms.

of making the life of say this nurse. really difficult unnecessarily. Though. the thing that I also. want to draw attention to is the extent. to which. branches of feminism have made a mistake. like there have been feminism is very. complex. It's also very old. It didn't. start in the 1960s but um you know Eric. is talking about maternal feminism. I. would also call myself a maternal. feminist and I think that feminism has. had a a really difficult relationship.

with motherhood certainly since the 60s. because motherhood is really difficult. because it particularly if you got if. you're ideologically committed to the. idea of gender sameness underplaying the. differences biological differences. between men and women sometimes called. biological determinism. then motherhood is a real problem for. you because it really highlights those. differences and I think that there are a. lot of just facts about men and women. that we don't actually know widely and a. lot of young people certainly don't.

know. One of the things that a lot of. women don't know is how much they're. going to want to be with their babies. because we don't really talk about this. And it is a difficult fact for the idea. of men and women being basically the. same with different different like bits. and bulbs. And that is partly because. we're not properly educating women about. what the experience is like. But it's. also because unfortunately there has. been this this strain of feminism. It's. not all feminism at all which has. basically aspired as much as possible to.

make women like men. And that includes. women being like men professionally, women having sex like men. That's the. expression they use in Sex in the City, having sex like a man, right? Basically. enjoying hookups without any real. emotional connection. And I think that's. a real trap for feminism is to assume. that women should want to be as much. like men as possible. Even women's. bodies, even if you look at teenage. girls bodies, they all aspire to be like. adolescent boys, you know, they don't. want breasts, they don't want hips, they. they want to be right. So, so it is it's.

almost as if we elevated. in a funny way. Feminists were trying to. reject patriarchy, but they ended up. idolizing it and wanting to be it and. then rejecting everything feminine. And. that's a problem, and it's certainly a. problem for motherhood, you know. And I. think what maternal feminism says is. actually maybe women are all right and. maybe actually this feminine stuff is. good and maybe motherhood is actually. just as valuable as your professional. life and we should aspire to feminist.

ideas, policy, education, whatever, which. prizes that and how how much do you see. women elevated who are mothers? I mean, do you you go to a cocktail party and. you ask a woman what she does and she. says, "I'm a stay-at-home mom and I'm. raising my children, the back will turn. on her, whether it's a woman or a man.". And so that means that we've denigrated. and not just deprioritized, we've. depprioritized, we've denigrated it, we've dismissed it, we've turned it into. something less than. And so remember.

that what helped women to feel valuable. in society was the admiration for them. Feminism has to get to a place where it. says you have choice. We admire your. choice to stay home with your children. and admire our choice not to have. children. Um, you know, but the idea. that the second wave of feminism, it was. about it's all drudgery and it's. disgusting and boring and it made it. into this. And now you have these.

websites which are frightening to me, the the scary mommy websites where you. have women saying, "I hate breastfeeding. and I hate pregnancy and I hate my. children." And it's so disturbing to me. because what have we done to those. women? What have we done to society that. we have those websites? It's okay to. feel frustrated, to feel bored, to have. many feelings about mothering, but the. hostility towards mothering, the. hostility towards children, the. hostility towards raising children. If.

we don't admire mothers again, there. will be no mothers in the future. I feel. totally the opposite of that. It's so. interesting because I'm not a mother. I. had a Guilty Feminist podcast episode. where Susan Calman, who's a a comedian, came on and we said, "What do you want. to talk about?" And she said, "I want to. talk about the fact that I've never. wanted to be a mother." I said, "I've. tried to have children, couldn't, but I. have lots of nurturing relationships, love children. I have never had more. fury in my inbox." Like, we were.

monsters because we weren't mothers. So, what you're saying is true that. sometimes someone, oh, you're a. stay-at-home mom. And I despise it. Be. staying being a stay at home parent is a. job of work. And I want women to be. celebrated for staying home with their. children. I want men to be celebrated. Uh men tend to be celebrated more if. they do that work. I want women to be. celebrated. I want all parents of any. gender to be celebrated for that. We. agree on that. Have we have we got a you. said something there which links to the.

next thing I wanted to talk about which. is if we don't correct this in some way, we're not going to have mothers. And. when we look at the birth rates and the. fertility rates, this 50% of young women. don't want to have children. So, you. know, again, I'm all for choice and I'm. I think women have to come together. So. in a way the feminism movement didn't. unite women, it split women in many ways. the second wave of feminism. Women were. historically for millennium the. caretakers of a community, the community. leaders. They would check on the.

elderly. They would feed the poor. They. would take care of the children. Right? So what happened is that we took them. out of their caretaking roles and it was. like taking a keystone species out of. the environment. Much of the environment. degraded and shriveled up. That's why. we're seeing 50%. That's why we're. seeing, in my opinion, that's why we're. seeing such a rise in mental illness. Women aren't going to check on their. neighbors anymore. They're not feeding.

the poor at their local church. They're. really preoccupied with making money and. materialism and the GDP and and a world. in which they are no longer caretakers. Now, not everybody's meant to be a. caretaker, but the point is once we lose. that that lynch pin, the the society. degrades, the ecosystem, it it it. degrades. Is it our job to be down at. the soup kitchen and checking on the. elderly neighbor? Surely that's the. community's job. We should raise our.

sons and daughters to do that. All. children should be raised to check on. It's not women's job. I work in a. writer's room at the moment and I love. it and I am not less good in the room. than any man. I get so much joy from it. It's so exciting. If we say, "Oh, feminism took away my key lynchpin role. where I have to like go to a soup. kitchen and then check on a neighbor and. check on the graph." While men still get. to go into the writer's room and create. an animated feature film like it was in. the 50s or the 60s or even the 70s or.

the 80s or the damn 90s, let's be. honest, I don't get to do that. The film. gets to be more male. It tells the story. to the next generation and the boys get. to make that film and the stories go on. and on and on that my role is checking. on the elderly neighbor and the man's. role is to go and write the exciting. movie and create that's not the. counterpart. Men do pro-social things, too. They don't just write TV shows. They fight fires. They earn money. They. chop wood. They I mean I'm being really. talking about what Erica was saying. about the unpaid labor of checking. So.

can I say I think that one of the. problems we have in the contemporary. world and this applies just as much to. men as to women. We talk about the. manosphere earlier is that. gender roles contain both privileges and. responsibilities both of them. So men do. other pro-social things, right? And I. think that generally one of the problems. that we have in contemporary culture. having rejected so much of traditional. gender ideas is that gender roles. traditionally contain both privileges. and responsibilities. So for men the. privileges are kind of obvious like.

feminists have drawn a lot of attention. to these. But men also have counterpart. responsibilities which includes things. like dying for their country or for. their family which includes doing. backbreaking labor. uh you know there. are all sorts of hard things that men. are expected to do in exchange I think. this is the unwritten agreement in. exchange for those responsibilities. those privileges rather women have that. too so women have some privileges you. get to uh the women and children first. principle when it comes to saving lives.

women are often the beneficiaries of. what's called benign sexism so men being. kind of uh differential to women like. nice gentlemanly men being differential. to women. There's this cognitive bias. called the women are wonderful principle. where people will actually if you ask. someone to do you want to save a a woman. that you don't know or a man that you. don't know from drowning people will. overwhelmingly choose to save the woman. So there are those privileges. There are. also responsibilities and they include.

things like caring work which is hard. and the danger and difficulty of. childbearing which is really hard. And I. think that one of the problems, and. maybe this is narcissistic, I don't. know, this is a this is a touchy word, but maybe this is narcissistic, is that. both sexes want the privileges without. the responsibilities. And you see that. within the manosphere as well. That's. what the manosphere want. They want all. the privileges of masculinity without. any of the responsibilities. They don't. want to have to be the breadwinner for. their families or to do difficult work. or to risk their safety doing anything. And I'm afraid sometimes feminism is.

like this as well that we expect women. to be given to be deferred to and to be. prioritized, but we say, "I don't have. time to do all this stuff for other. people. That's ridiculous. I should be. like writing TV shows." I mean, that. that's not the counterpart, right? Like. writing TV shows is great, but it's not. like essential work to society, whereas. raising children and protecting your. community really is. And we do need. people to do that of both sexes. Problem. is, we can't put a price on on it. And. that's the problem is that we can't put. a price on how important it is to raise. children. There's there it's unpaid.

work. And because we focus so much in. society on paid work, we can't put a. price on how elevated women's work. should be. Meaning how elevated. nurturing children should be in society. You know, I mean, my kids always say, again, I'm going to get a lot of help. for this, too, but my kids always say, "It's not fair that people in finance. are earning all that money and doctors. and nurses and social workers and. teachers earn so little." And they used. to say that when they were little and I.

had a hard time explaining to them why. that was. And all I could say was the. world is not a fair place. But that's. not a very good response. And so, you. know, I think the idea that we have. shifted this narrative towards working. out in the world and paid labor and and. accomplishments out in the world and. achievements out in the world as opposed. to what's right in front of you. The. accomplishment which is maybe the. greatest accomplishment of raising. emotionally, mentally, physically.

healthy children that you put out into. the world for the next generation. I. mean, we have to survive as a species. And so that's every all of that paid. work is also important and you should. have the choice to do that or nurture or. some of both. But if I were going to say. my one goal out of this podcast would be. to to to help people understand that we. have denigrated. maybe one of the most important work you. can do instead of elevating it. Instead.

of admiring women for staying home and. dealing with the boring moments and. dealing with the hardships and dealing. with the sleeplessness and the. frustration, it's much easier to go to. work. It is much easier to leave your. children in daycare or with a nanny, not. the women that have to, believe me. But. it is much easier if you have a choice. to go to work because being out of the. house is it's harder work staying home. So why aren't we admiring the women who. are staying home and doing that hard. work and having those boring moments? I. I I agree that parenting is difficult.

work. I agree that raising the next. generation is extremely valuable. I. agree that the people who do it, whoever. they are, should be uh respected and. should be it be paid in in the way that. we live in a capitalist society. And if. we don't put a value on it or we don't. create tax breaks around it or you know. have child endowment around it, we then. say it's not important. So I I.

absolutely agree with all of that. I do. not agree that women we pull feminism. pulled a lynch pin out when it said. women women shouldn't have to be the. ones that visit the neighbor and do the. do all the unpaid labor around in the. community. I think that should be unpaid. labor in the community is important but. that's what why they call it community. and not women's work. It's a community. effort. So, I should do it, but I should. also get to go to work in the writer's.

room and my husband should do it and he. should go and get to do his job. So, I. don't think I think a lot of times today. I don't know I think maybe I don't know. maybe without meaning to I've heard from. both of you even though we agree on many. things feminism really did a number on. us or feminism pulled the lynch fing or. it's feminism's fault. Without feminism, none of us would be around this table. because Steven wouldn't value our. voices. Absolutely. Like in the nicest.

possible way, if you were in a man in. the 50s, would you invite three women on. effectively like a TV, radio show, whatever media was available? 100%. It's. why I said feminism did a lot of good, but it went too far. And so that that's. me saying I I respect the women that. came before us that created uh a. paradigm that allows us to work out in. the world to have a voice to have. choices to have control. But why is it. feminism not going too far and. capitalism not accommodating and our.

government's not accommodating the new. world that we live in that is obviously. better for women? We none of us could. get a credit card a couple of dec few. decades ago. conjugal rape was still. legal in this country till like what I. don't know you would know better than me. like the 90s something technically in. case law you know I it just. we wouldn't have been able to go and get. a mortgage or a bank account on our own. we couldn't have anything so instead of. blaming feminism which has got us around. this table so frequently I feel we.

should look at okay feminism got us here. and now what would we like next feminism. has got us this far so what Can how can. we encourage instead of damning. feminism, encourage feminism to make. sure we admire and respect and pay. properly the women in our workplaces and. also admire and respect and pay properly. or make sure that women are in safety. and security when they parent. How can.

we do both? I I agree with that. I feel. when you keep saying well feminism did. this, feminism did this. At this time, this is this is we got to meet this. moment. women, we have to meet this. moment. And do you know what this moment. is? This moment is a moment where Row. versus Wade has been overturned. Where far-right Christian nationalists. are rising up to take away our rights. There are people in America right now. saying there should be one vote per. household and that should go to the man. I have seen Paula White who is the faith.

zar of at the White House saying it's. God's arrangement that women be in. subjection to men. I have lived that. I. will not go back. You are both. professional women, intelligent women. You have written books. Please come with. me and say feminism has got us this far. and feminism can take us further. If you. keep saying feminism's to blame, the. manosphere are watching and they take. those clips. They take those clips. They. go see women are saying feminism is so I.

think the idea is I believe in maternal. feminism where all women are respected. whether they work at home or they work. outside the home L. So I think that that. is exactly why we need to be thinking. about maternal feminism because if. basically if feminism cannot reproduce. itself literally if it if it if it is. the case that a feminist society is a is. a very very low fertility society which. has no which does not respect motherhood. which discourages women from having. children because it's limits your.

freedom etc then feminism dies out. feminist societies die out they wither. and die and conservative. very conservative, not the kind of. conservative I'm okay with, like the. very conservative societies, if they are. the only ones that can accommodate. children, then they win. At the moment, the best. predictors of within within low. fertility societies like ours, the best. predictors of how many children you have. is basically how religious you are and. how conservative you are. It used to be.

up until relatively recently that. Democrats and Republicans had basically. the same birth rate. Now Republicans are. massively outstripping Democrats. And. the thing is that all of this stuff is. is at least to some extent heritable. People are to some extent they they. adopt the politics and the world views. of their parents. Not always obviously. people rebel but in general you imitate. the culture you were raised in. And also. some of this stuff is actually heritable. like there are personality traits which. make you more religious or make you. inclined to certain politics which are.

heritable partially. So basically. current the current trajectory while. we're kind of arguing about the rights. and wrongs of this stuff the current. trajectory is for a societyy's become. much more conservative and that's what. the birth rates phenomenon spells for. everyone. And I mean I and I genuinely. think as someone who likes being able to. have my own bank account and vote and. whatever I actually choices Yeah. Right. Like I I'm a centrist here. Okay. And I. actually think that if we care about any. of that stuff, then we have to find a.

way of having a feminism that is. fertile. Deborah, we need a fertile. feminism according to Louise. Listen, I'm as barren as [ __ ] Steve. So, I. can't help with this. However, um I'm. fine about it. Don't worry that I don't. want you to feel sorry for me. I I uh I. have a an amazing life and in the end. think this was probably the better thing. for me. But um all the fe I don't think. we need to call it maternal feminism. All the feminists I know either have.

children or really support the mothers. in their community including me. I uh I. don't I don't recognize this guys. I. don't recognize it. I feel like. I go on marches, feminist marches in. London. There's children everywhere. secular progressive people are so so. below replacement just on the data. How. do you respond? I'm talking about we're. going to run out of these people if they. don't start having kids. I mean makes it.

it I there's probably reasons for it. like if you're more progressive, you're. more aware of climate change. You're. more you're less you're more likely to. pay your taxes. You're less likely to. have um e excess wealth to raise the. next generation. You're going to be more. aware of like what am I bringing the. children into? If you have a vision of. the world that God's going to save. everything and you, you know, you're. just going to vote this way and. everything is going to be great, maybe. you pump out more children if you think. that, you know, your God, whoever that.

is, is going to save the day. I don't. know. Do we need to be having more. children though? Because my my concern. about it is is what are we having them. for? If the world is getting more. difficult to live in, if it's if people. can't afford a home, even like a nice. rented property that feels quite stable, if they can't afford a home, if they're. working millions of hours and not being. able to balance parenthood and feeling. very stressed and, you know, the the.

manosphere is rising and it's it's boys. are so depressed and girls feel like. this and all of that. What are we having. it what are we doing it for? Unless. we're going to create conditions. that people want to live in that make us. happy or at least, you know, no one to. be happy all the time, but what are we. what are we doing it for? Make sure you. keep what I'm about to say to yourself. I'm inviting 10,000 of you to come even. deeper into the D of a CEO. Welcome to. my inner circle. This is a brand new. private community that I'm launching to.

the world. We have so many incredible. things that happen that you are never. shown. We have the briefs that are on my. iPad when I'm recording the. conversation. We have clips we've never. released. We have behind the-scenes. conversations with the guests and also. the episodes that we've never ever. released and so much more. In the. circle, you'll have direct access to me. You can tell us what you want this show. to be, who you want us to interview, and. the types of conversations you would. love us to have. But remember, for now, we're only inviting the first 10,000.

people that join before it closes. So if. you want to join our private close. community, head to the link in the. description below or go to. daccircle.com. I will speak to you there. The hardest conversations are often the. ones we avoid. But what if you had the. right question to start them with? Every. single guest on the diio has left behind. a question in this diary. And it's a. question designed to challenge, to. connect, and to go deeper with the next. guest. And these are all the questions. that I have here in my hand. On one.

side, you've got the question that was. asked, the name of the person who wrote. it, and on the other side, if you scan. that, you can watch the person who came. after who answered it. 51 questions. split across three different levels. The. warm-up level, the openup level, and the. deep level. So, you decide how deep the. conversation goes. And people play these. conversation cards in boardrooms at. work, in bedrooms, alone at night, and. on first dates, and everywhere in. between. I'll put a link to the. conversation cards in the description.

below and you can get yours at the. diary.com. I want to talk about one last subject. Um, which is the subject of pornography. You left this for the end. Cool. We're. not perfect. Yeah. I just I'm I'm. interested to see how you all think that. the impacts and implications of. pornography impact everything we've. talked about today, whether it's men, it's women, it's children, etc. And also. how that ties into feminism. I would say there is there is increasing. evidence that everything we do alone on. our phone excessively is causing us to.

disassociate, is causing us to get some. kind of addiction property from it, is. causing us to disregulate, is causing. the breakdown of regular communication. in society. So do you think porn is a. net negative for society? I I think it's it's a moot point because. it's always been there and it's always. going to be there. But I would like But. if you could press a button and get rid. of it and pressing that button, would.

that cause society to be better or worse. in terms of happiness if we use that as. a metric? And any of the metrics that. one would use? Honestly, it's like. saying, can you press a button and get. rid of human sexuality? I I don't know. what what the world would look like if. people weren't seeking it out. But where. there is no before we had porn, people. always drew things through. Can I say. that when it was two-dimensional, when. you had when boys had a Playboy magazine. under their bed or they stole their.

father's Playboy magazine, that was. actually less harmful than the the the. movies and the video because um it. two-dimensional isn't as powerful as the. I guess video. Video I mean, I'm saying. films. Yeah. Modern porn is a super. stimulus. Yeah, it's a completely It's. not like real action is not saucy murals. in Pompei, right? It's it's designed to. be incredibly stimulating like in in and. it's very clever actually like the way.

that the the the porn platforms work. It's really it's a clever product and. like we're talking about unre. unregulated capitalism like this is the. preeminent example. It's designed to tap. in to our most profound desires. Uh, I. mean, particularly for men using it, it's like hyper visual. Everything's. exaggerated. It's I mean, one of the. reasons why it's a bad idea to use porn. in general, aside from it being super. unethical as an industry, is um it will. make the rest of your sex life worse. generally because it will mean that real. sex will not measure up. If you've.

trained your brain to enjoy the super. stimulus, the normal stimulus becomes. less exciting. Like how if you eat junk. food then it becomes less attractive to. eat vegetables or whatever. Like it's. it's not like Playboy. of the 50s cuz it left room for fantasy. There's no I mean it's it's so explicit. that it leaves no room for fantasy. Even. your own fantasy and is it harming men. as well, Luis? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, not least, one of the things that is uh.

certainly anecdotally a massive problem. with compulsive porn use is erectile. dysfunction when you're actually trying. to have sex with a real human being. because you've trained your brain and. you've also trained the rest of your. body to only respond to this particular. stimulus and to masturbation. If I put. the button in front of you, like I said. to Deborah, would would you press it to. porn forever? Of course I would. Porn is. all bad for not least the porn forwards. I mean even just on that basis in the. same way that I would ban some hideously. unethical industry that had nothing to. do with sex because people I mean like.

the suicide rate among poor performs is. appalling or like I can't remember her. name but the the most the most. promiscuous woman in Australia that only. fans model who last just last week had. sex with 583 men in one day and was. hospitalized subsequently right this is. what we're talking about in practice. this is like a hideous industry it is so. bad for women I cannot I cannot. understand how feminists could endorse. it. I just can't. It's one of my. strongest opinions. Can you would you. ban saucy murals in Pompei? I can't. No,

you can't ban anything. So, would you. But but there's the button. Saucy murals. in Pompei, which by the way is number five on the. They're They're too They're. two-dimensional. I don't mind two. dimensional. It's funny. I don't mind. two dimensional. Um it's when it it's. live action and they actually with video. games uh they did studies to show that. um the more realistic the video games. the more harmful they were to to. teenagers and so there's something about. so the murals were two-dimensional and.

maybe they would be considered art. So. you would press the button to end the. threedimensional porn there and you. would you wouldn't press the button. I. mean I I just think the button's right. there. What you do? You can press it. No. one's watching. Okay. that the wholesome. couple who were really into each other. I thought this is modeling something. that I think is very healthy people. doing violent things to women and like. hentai porn which I discovered in my. research. Um which is animated porn with. like Lolita style girls that look really.

young and violent stuff. I we obviously. we need regulation and we need. discussion. I am not the person to lead. it, but you know, if if you would press. the button to get rid of the saucy. murals in Pompei, then it's kind of. erasing human sexuality, I think. And I. don't know what Well, would you or not? Would you leave those up as a sort of. little racing artifact? What would you. do, Louis? I think I would put it up in. a school room. I mean like I think. everyone accepts that even that really.

mild stuff needs to be like what about. limited if not if not it needs to be. limited if not legally then socially. What about statue of David? What about. just the naked form? No, I would not ban that. But I Deborah, I think that this is a rhetorical trick. to avoid the fact that this is the least. feminist industry we can conceptualize. And a lot of feminists have really. dropped the ball on this and have. actually decided to prioritize their own. their own status and their own.

commitment to sexual liberalism over. actual real women who have been sexually. tortured within this industry. And it. makes me really angry. And I think that. I mean this is true in all all sorts of. areas of feminism. I mean what we're. doing here is an intrafeminist argument, right? Like we're all basically starting. from the same position which is we think. that women's interests ought to be. protected that women's flourishing ought. to be promoted children's too. What. we're arguing about is over how to do. that and that's an argument that's going. to go on forever and has gone on forever. and I think it's good. We should have. these arguments but if we can't start.

from the premise that like the sexual. torture of women for profit is bad then. what are we doing? Why does it make you. angry and and what part of it makes you. angry as it relates to feminism? possibly is partly from having worked. with victims, I think. But. I guess it's the. I guess it's the dishonesty I just don't. like. I'm not accusing of being. dishonest, but I just think that this. ideology is just so riven with. contradictions. Where did Where did. feminism drop the ball in prioritizing.

the interests of a small. unrepresentative group of women over the. interests of other women? And I don't. just mean in terms of like class or. wealth, although that is a factor. I. mean a lot of it is to do with. personality. We've talked about agency. We've talked about some people are more. maternal than others. You know, I think. that one of the one of the perennial. problems with feminism is that the women. who tend to sort of rise to the top and. get media careers. I do realize I'm in. this category are not representative of. other women and will often have.

preferences that are very different. which are just not shared by everyone. else. I want to ask you all a question. just for me which is something that I. contend with now that the world has. shifted and changed and definitions have. shifted which is about masculinity and. what it is to be a good man. I aspired. to be a good man. Um and I'd like you. all to tell me one by one what. masculinity now means to you and how all. of the the men that have gotten to this. point in the podcast and and also the. mothers of men and fathers of men should. be raising their young boys to be good.

men. And how does that sort of. contradict or how is that in harmony. with our evolutionary nature? So. starting with Louise, I think that. the key task that every society has to. set itself is how to young men in. particular have this incredible energy. that can be put to good things and to. bad. Like the the the greatest. discoveries in the world have. overwhelmingly been made by young men. and young men also commit the vast. majority of violence, right? It's this.

this particular group is contains the. most incredible opportunity and also the. most incredible danger and every society. faces this problem like what do we do. about these guys like how do we how do. we cor correctly channel that in a way. that's pro-social or antisocial. and I don't think our society is doing. an especially good job of that I mean to. some extent we do pacify men with porn. and video games so they're less. dangerous than they have been in. previous eras but at the same time I. don't think that we're deploying male.

male talents as well as we could. And I. don't think that we are um encouraging. men to become good husbands and fathers. What about the provider, protector, procreator narrative? Scott Galloway has. talked about that men should aspire to. be providers, protectors, procreators. Is that accurate? Yeah, that sounds. about right. Yeah. I mean, I I've. written about CAD and dad mode as well, like how do we encourage men to reject. CAD mode and embrace dad mode? What is. CAD mode? I like that. A CAD, you Oh, he's a cat. Kind of an oldfashioned word.

for a man who would sweep in on a. motorbike or a car. boy. Yes, I wasn't going to say that, but you know. So, is there So, okay. So, just to make. sure I've completed your my perspective. of how you think about masculinity. So, should I be holding the door open for my. partner and should I be paying the bill. on the first date? I think chivalry is. great. I think that rejecting chivalry. was a mistake. Yeah. Okay. Um but also. it's not the most important masculine. virtue. I mean I most of the most of the.

virtues. should be demonstrated by both sexes. Yeah. You know honestly whatever but. there are some which I think maybe men. need to focus on more and women need to. focus on more. And I certainly with. raising my boys who are very little at. the moment but we've we've me and my. husband have talked a lot and thought a. lot about how do we encourage. specifically masculine virtues. And. sometimes that means parenting boys. slightly different from girls. In what. way? give me an example of a masculine. virtue you're trying to bring out like. this question about how what to do about. young male aggression. I think a tried. and tested way of doing that which we're.

certainly going to try with our kids is. um combat sports or sports in general or. basically teaching young men how to. sublimate and regulate and and channel. effectively those feelings of aggression. in a way that is constructive and not. destructive. Deborah, how do you agree disagree with that. perception? That's not at all my. worldview. I think we should be. teaching our children to find their. humanity and their empathy no matter.

their gender. When I researched my book, Six Conversations We were scared to. have, I thought that it was going to. show me that the internet and especially. social media made us less and less. empathetic. You know, we think about. keyboard warriors and they can't see. your face and all that. But what I. discovered is in fact every single day. social media asks us to be more and more. empathetic to fewer and fewer people. That is a cult. I was in a cult. You. have to be very empathetic to the people. in it. And the second someone steps.

outside, they're dead to us. And that is. what I see on the internet. I see it in. I think we're all in a big series of. cults. So I I see now this rise of young. men being told women are dreadful. Women. have taken our place which is just it is. not for girls not to go to university to. make things more fair for boys. It is. for us to nurture our boys to make sure. if they're feeling lost or they're. feeling that they they can't compete or.

they're out in the world and they. they're flailing around, we need to. build them up. We do not need to tell. girls to step back. that is we've we. haven't got equality yet. We're nowhere. near it, much less pulling ourselves. back to make more space for boys at this. point. We desperately need to invest in. our brothers, in our in the boys in our. community in any way we can. I went into. a school and chatted to the boys about. gender norms and how they felt about it. and what impositions they felt or what. random things were weird. And I said to.

them, what what would be weird if a boy. did it for no reason? Like there's no. And one of them said knitting. He said. if I brought my knitting knitting to. school, he said, you know, not that he. knitted. He said, everyone would laugh. at me and why? There's no reason for it. And another boy just went, I'd bring. knitting in. I wouldn't care. Are boys. and girls fundamentally, biologically, physiologically, neurologically. different? And therefore, do they need a. different approach? They're hormonally. different. We kind of understand that. We all agree with that from birth. So, do they need to be raised differently to.

cater to that difference? I wouldn't. exacerbate it. I would say we all should. be I as I said I want a partner and I. think we should be raising both of our. go both our girls and our boys and any. children that feel that they're neither. to aspire to their humanity to their. empathy to look out for each other I. think exacerbating roles and telling. boys you're like this and girls are like. that is pushing us further away and it's. it's it's pushing us back decades and.

generations. Should a man, a young boy. be a provider, a procreator, a. protector? Should should we instill. those values in young boys? No. Why? Because there's this there's this heavy. imposition on boys and there's a heavy. imposition on girls that their life. should look a certain way. And we've got. to a point where men can stay home and. raise their children. Where women can go. out and explore new territory, where we. see that women are as clever as men, as.

talented as men, as able to debate as. men. Why would we push this back and go, well, girls, it's really more feminine. if you do this and boys, girls will. fancy you more if you do this. So, what. does what does a young man, what should. his virtues be? You said empathy and. those kinds of things. And then on the. chivalry side of things, should I be. holding the door open for every woman. that walks through one? Should I be. paying that bill on the first day? I. think it's lovely when all human beings.

hold doors open behind them for other. human beings. I I really disagree that. we should not when we issued chivalry, what was going on was that there was a. period of time where it was like she's. more gentle. She needs help. And it. stopped people seeing us as people who. could be entrepreneurial CEOs. So, so. women said, "Look, could you just not do. that?" Because if you're not holding the. door open for any of the guys, then you. hold it open for me, they see me as. somehow less than sweet, sexualized. So,

we said, "No." Now, I think, look, honestly, if a man holds the door open. for me, very, that's very nice, whatever. I don't think people see me. that way anymore. I don't think it's a. big deal anymore. I don't like the idea. that you have to pay on the first date. I I think you know if I've invited you. out, I'll pay. If you've invited me out, you'll pay. I mean, you're much richer. than me, so probably you should pay. But. that's nothing to do with gender. Steve, is there not something evolutionary in. that if we look back through our. ancestry that the the qualities of. fertility are more attractive to to men.

and the qualities of being a provider. and more attractive to women. So if I if. I don't sort of invest in becoming a. provider as a young man, I'm actually. going to do much worse when I get older. According to the the some of the data we. referenced earlier, 250% less women are. going to opt for me. So if I if I don't. sort of build a base and become a. provider, am I not am I going to be a. disadvantage as a man in the society. that we live in? But also, if we look. back through our evolutionary history, is that not hardcoded into us? makes me.

feel so sad that boys feel this huge. responsibility when we are now at a. point when it is it is evident that you. do dragons and you sit next to Deborah. Megan who's every bit as good an. entrepreneur as you. So why is it your. responsibility? Why is it men's. responsibility? We can both raise. children. We can both we've we've. demonstrated we can both raise children. I've got the society I live in. But we. let's reshape it. Let raise your. children to think differently and.

reshape it. Is the society we live in a. consequence of our evolutionary survival. of the fittest, natural selection, pick. a good partner so that you can reproduce. past and you know you see this in women. where I watching this dating show called. Pop the Balloon which I love which has. just gone to Netflix and it's so crazy. that when so basically Pop the Balloon. is 10 men stand in a line with a balloon. um or 10 women stand in a line with a. balloon and then a man or woman walks. out. So when a woman walks out and she. looks at the lineup, she will go down. the lineup and pop every balloon of a.

man that's below six feet tall. Just. like that. It's crazy. Every And just. they'll say, "Why did you pop his. balloon?" "Uh, small, short. Why did you. pop his balloon?" Short short short. This is just part of I know it's it's so. destructive though. Like look, we can. talk about evolution, but I've seen. David Atenburgh shows wi where our. shared ancestors who are primates um are. ripping each other apart. They a chimp. comes up and they rip the chim limb. chimp limb from limb. What human beings. have done is evolved to be better when.

we are when we war we are not better. But we know our better nature and our. better self doesn't do that. Are we are. we fighting against I remember hearing. someone on the podcast tell me that. across across cultures men and women. typically go for the same thing. So like. men are going for a certain hip ratio. whatever and women are going for a. certain like shoulder ratio. Are these. things not like fundamentally. evolutionary? It's a status symbols. Like my husband's shorter than me. It's. a status. And status is an evolutionary. desire. It it is, but we can be better.

than that, can't we? Can't we teach our. girls and boys and non-binary young. people that that that these are these. superficial things aren't what we should. be like aspiring to. We should be. aspiring to get past them. The idea like. a lot of it is we know this because. different cultures have different beauty. standards. different times in here in. history have had different beauty. standards and men tend to go for the. beauty standard of the time they're in. or the location they're in and therefore.

it is social it's hey that one means. that you're a successful guy in no way. evolutionary in your mind I think if it. is evolutionary get over it get past it. get beyond it good luck what do you. think I'm going to say I don't know I. have no idea I disagree with almost. everything she said Um so boys are. neurologically more fragile than girls. Uh more uh boys are born in the world. and more girls survive. They don't. survive because uh boys don't survive uh.

as much because they are incredibly. neurologically fragile, emotionally. fragile too. What that means is they're. more prone to aggression, behavioral. problems, ADHD like behaviors which is. distractability. They're more sensitive. to stress from a very young age. Um, they are not the same as girls. They. don't learn the same way as girls. They. need lots of physical expression during. the day. If they don't get it and. they're forced to sit in circle time. like little girls can sit in circle.

time, little boys go off the rails and. then they're labeled as having. attentional issues. And so we are. educating little boys today like little. girls which is why they can't keep up. So if you ask me, we should separate. little boys and little girls. So, in. terms of the neurological fragility, they need that attachment figure even. more than the little girls. When it. comes to going to school, maybe we. should separate little boys and little. girls when they're little so we can. cater to their individual needs. Uh, and. it and it is different. Um, and in terms.

of going forward, men and women are not. exactly the same. And even if we try to, thousands of years of evolution are not. going to be turned around in 50 years. So we may make some of these changes, but that's not realistic. What's. realistic is that we've functioned in a. way that is based on survival for. thousands millennium. And and we're. going to keep functioning that way to a. certain extent. There may be some people. who branch off and try to do it. differently. You know, the other thing. is that young men today are not they're.

they're at a disadvantage when it comes. to school. And I'm going to say we need. quotas. And this may sound radical, but. when it comes to college, it should be. 50/50. So my kids went to a school and. when it came to nursery school, they. balanced the class. That means if you go. to any preschool, they have half girls. and half boys. That's just the way they. do it. They balance it in other ways, too. Alpha girls and beta girls and. alpha boys. You can't have all the same. kind of kid. But the idea that we have.

to balance the odds otherwise we're g. marriage is also going to come to an end. because of that statistic that women are. only going to marry at their educational. level or above. So we're going to. marriage will end too. So which girls. shouldn't go though? It's not which. girls shouldn't go. It's giving boys. advantage to succeed. And it's saying. you know what we have uh 50% girls and. 50% boys in this college in this class. So in America we have a lot of. universities. I don't know the UK. system. It's not my country, but in.

America, there's a lot of different. places you can go. But the idea that all. it's like funneling the all the kids are. being funneled in this way. And what I. will say is that if we don't balance the. odds, so girls and boys have uh equal. opportunity in college and graduate. school, we are going to have a huge. social dilemma because nobody's marrying. and we have single parents. Then women. are going, "I can't find a man." And. they're having children on their own and. that's causing a social problem because. now we have little boys and little girls.

that don't have fathers. So all I'm. saying is we need to balance the odds. That's it. Well, you have to make more. spaces because if maybe that's the. solution. If 60% because otherwise what. you're saying is boys who are less. academic get the places of the 10% of. girls that now can't go in. So is. America going to create more spaces? there's less funding. I'm not great at. math, but I'll I'll say we can have 60. and 60. I don't mind 120. Okay. Um,

thank you all so much for being here. I. just want to give you an opportunity. just to summarize your thoughts on the. sexual revolution in two sentences if. you can. I'm going to repeat the insight. of a great friend of mine, Mary. Harrington, who's also an author. She. wrote this amazing book called Feminism. Against Progress. She says that feminism. kind of bubbles up at moments of big. societal change when things have really. changed materially and there's like a. reassessment of gender relations. And I. think that's the reason why we're seeing.

this right now. It's because we it's. because of the digital revolution. So so. much has changed, so much is in flux. We're having this like renegotiation of. how men and women are supposed to relate. to one another. And this always happens. And I think that it's it's good to talk. about it and. one way or another men and women are. going to have to learn to get along cuz. otherwise we won't reproduce the. species. Erica, so I believe in freedom of. choice. Um but not if that choice.

is to do harm to children. So I believe. that children should always come first. in our lives. Our family should always. come first. Freud said, "You need love. and meaningful work, but your love. should always come first." If it's your. children, if it's your spouse, if it's. your parents, if it's your next door. neighbors who are your best friends, uh. love always has to come first. And so, we have become a world where we put work. first. And so, what I would say is I. believe in choice of all kind. Uh I.

don't believe in demeaning or. diminishing someone else's choice. If. they make that choice, I'm fine with it. But don't demean or diminish my choice. your practice. I think the sexual revolution has given. women in spades agency, autonomy, and. emotional freedom. We don't yet have. enough emotional freedom. There are many. women around the world who have less. agency and autonomy than they did 100. years ago. We must fight for them. And I.

think everything is better when women. are free. I think we can create our own. structure and we need to be desperately. need to be our own guiding light. So any. women watching this, take everything we've said on board and. then decide for yourself. Do you want. that spaciousness in your life or do you. want rules? And I believe that feminism, all feminism should be maternal.

feminism. I don't think we need the word. maternal in it. And I really, really, really want all of us around this table. who believe that feminism has given us. the right to sit at it to say that. feminism has given us a lot. And. unregulated capitalism has taken and. that the next stage is to work together. because if we divide as women and as. feminists, there is no hope. There is so.

much coming our way from the farright. Christian nationalists. We must stand. together. Thank you so much. Um I want to just. appreciate all of you for being here. because I think progress starts with. these kinds of conversations and I think. all too often in society these. conversations happen in little silos and. echo chambers. So everyone's belief just. ends up being reinforced. You you just. confirmation bias just doubles down on. whatever you think. And it's it's not. easy to step into these environments. when there's going to be people watching.

this that sit on different sides of this. table in terms of their perspective. So. I applaud you for doing the thing that I. think is most most sort of conducive. with progress, which is having the. conversation and being respectful in the. ways that you disagree about that. So. thank you so much. You all have. incredible books. There's I mean there's. so many that I can't even I can't even. put them all on on on the table or hold. them all, but I'm going to link all of. the books below. So, if you want to hear. more from all of these wonderful people. at the table, Erica, Louise, and. Deborah, about what they think on these. subjects, please do go and buy their. books. Um, going to link all of them. below for you. And where else can we.

find you, Louise? Where's the best place. to hear more from you about what you. think? So, I have a podcast called Made. My Matriarch. Um, MM, you can find it on. YouTube, all the other podcast. platforms. I've had Erica on before. Maybe Deborah anytime. You're very. welcome. Um, I talk about sexual. politics, but also. I mean I say that the things that I'm. mostly interested in are um, birth, sex, violence, and death. So that's what the. podcast is about. And religion. I'll. link that below as well, Erica. Uh,

www.comomasar. komar.com. Um, you can find everything I do on. there. You can make an appointment with. me because I do virtual appointments. Um, and I also started a nonprofit. called Attachment Circles, which is an. educational platform, but a community. building platform. So, please, you know, go to Attachment Circles and join and if. you feel generous, donate because we. need the resources to get the community. building going. I'll link all of that. below as well. Then, Deborah, I do the.

podcast, The Guilty Feminist. So, if. everyone could um subscribe and uh do. all those things, that would be great. But I'm also starting uh a new. grassroots movement called the road to. Gilead because there are moves in this. country from far-right American. Christian nationalists to take our uh. abortion rights and to take our LGBTQ. plus rights and I'm really scared about. it and I've been talking about it around. the country on the book tour and I've. discovered other academics and people. who are very worried are also talking.

about it. So, if you would like to hear. more about Road to Gilead, you can sign. up to the mailing list at. guiltyfeminist.com and you will get the. occasional email about uh the shows. we're doing, but also Road togilead. grassroots. um uh projects coming up. I shall link. all of that below, too. Thank you so. much. This is a very long conversation, but it's exactly what I was hoping it. would be, and I I found my opinion. shifting and changing throughout. So, that's success for me. This has always. blown my mind a little bit. 53% of you. that listen to this show regularly.

haven't yet subscribed to the show. So, could I ask you for a favor? If you like. the show and you like what we do here. and you want to support us, the free. simple way that you can do just that is. by hitting the subscribe button. And my. commitment to you is if you do that, then I'll do everything in my power, me. and my team, to make sure that this show. is better for you every single week. We'll listen to your feedback. We'll. find the guests that you want me to. speak to and we'll continue to do what. we do. Thank you so much. [Music].