ALL STARS | Ft. Brittany Broski and Caleb Hearon | ARCHIVE FRIDAY

said Cooper, what cologne do you wear? And he said, oh, I don't It's just like. I don't know. My mom gets it for me. And. I And I go I go, oh, yeah, but like what. is it? >> [laughter]. >> And he goes He goes, I really don't. know. My mom gets it for me. Every time. I get a chance, be like, Cooper, do you. even know like what the bottle looks. like? >> [laughter]. >> You know? BUT [laughter] I'M TRYING TO PLAY IT. COOL. AND HE'S HE'S LIKE, OH, YEAH, I. don't remember, man. And like literally, I'm being so [laughter] persistent cuz I. don't know I think I'm being coy, you. know? And then finally, I go, I need to. know what cologne you wear. [laughter].

>> AND YOU'RE GOING TO [ __ ] TELL ME. NOW. >> AND AND he goes he goes, if I tell you, will you just stop talking to me? >> [laughter]. >> And And I AND I GO AND I GO AND I GO, YEAH. >> HEY EVERYONE, and welcome back to. another episode of The Comment Section. Show starring me, your favorite. Everybody knows me. Who gives a [ __ ]. about me? Today, I have an unbelievably. requested episode. And by requested, I. mean like from me only. It's Brittany. Broski AND CALEB HEARON.

>> OH, YEAH. CHEERS. HEY, CHEERS TO Y'ALL. >> CHEERS TO a damn GOOD TIME. >> [laughter]. >> HEY, CAN I MAKE A TOAST? >> I wish you would. >> Let's now Here's to the nights we'll. never remember. >> With the. >> [laughter]. >> Finish It. >> With the people we'll never forget. Cheers to y'all. Cheers to y'all. Cheers. >> [laughter]. >> Uh-oh. >> [ __ ] [ __ ]. >> I FEAR SHE CUNTED. >> [laughter]. >> SAY THAT WHEN YOU SAID BEFORE WE. STARTED. >> IT'S TIME TO [ __ ]. >> Say that when you said before WE.

STARTED, BRITTANY. >> [laughter]. >> WHAT DID I SAY? >> YOU SAID IT WAS A JFK reference. >> Oh, I said. she shot the mother bullet that killed. JOHN F. [ __ ]. >> [laughter]. >> TELL WHAT YOU WANT TO. >> MY FAVORITE MOVIE. MY FAVORITE MOVIE IS. GOODWILL [ __ ]. >> GOODWILL [ __ ]. >> [laughter]. >> I JUST STARTED changing all of THE. BREAKFAST [ __ ]. >> [laughter]. >> ANYWAYS, WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW. My.

very first repeats. >> Hey. >> Second time. >> So, and you know who we're missing? Leo. Gonzales. >> Leo, [laughter]. where are you, honey? >> He's banned from the building. >> We forgot about him. >> Yeah, I saw his picture up around the. security booth and they said, "Don't let. this man in.". >> Yeah, it said "Wanted shoplifter.". >> Yeah, [laughter]. he was stealing from the studio. >> I'm sure he was. I can't prove it, but. >> God bless his heart. >> I still told them to hang up the signs. regardless, just in case. >> [laughter]. >> Welcome back to the show. Britney and. Caleb are two of my most popular. episodes to date.

>> Oh my god. >> And have you gotten your royalty check? >> OH, YEAH. >> [laughter]. >> YEAH, I GOT HOME THE OTHER DAY AND THERE. WAS A FERRARI in the driveway. >> That's real sweet. >> Yeah, and then I SEND BRITNEY VIBES. >> [laughter]. >> BRITNEY LOVING IT. NO, SHE DID IT TO BE. MEAN CUZ SHE KNOWS MY big ass can't fit. in those cars. >> I said, "You can't? I guess I'll drive. it home.". >> Oh, [ __ ]. >> Oh, I hate that. Well, thanks for coming. back, y'all. Your jerseys are hanging in. the rafters, All-Stars. >> Wow. It's a pleasure to be here. I feel. like I'm home again. >> 4XL [laughter] JERSEY.

4XL SHEER JERSEY. >> OH, NO, NO, NOT TOO MUCH ON THE SIZES. >> [laughter]. >> NOT TOO MUCH ON THE SIZE OF the size of. the jerseys there. We're getting a. little too small to be talking like. that. You better put some pounds back on. before you implicate me in the 4X. [laughter] BIT. >> TRUST AND BELIEVE. IT'LL HAPPEN. >> I'M LIKE, "OH, 4X? You want to check the. tag on my underwear?". >> Yeah. >> Let's check it then. >> Get in there. >> [laughter]. >> SEE WHAT YOU FIND. >> I JUST PULLED MY [ __ ]. >> [laughter]. >> I'LL SHOW HOLE ON THIS EPISODE. >> AND? >> Are those cameras 4K?

>> [laughter]. >> Y'all aren't going to like WHAT YOU SEE. >> THE LIGHT BARS set up and everything. Soft box and. >> a beautiful hole shot from me at the end. [laughter] of the episode. Stay tuned. >> And then I'm going to do a voiceover. like National Geographic. >> The [laughter] predator moves in on his. prey. It's Britney just moving towards me with. a couple fingers. >> [laughter]. >> No, we got to cut that out, honestly. in. >> pink, one in the stink. >> Now, WHERE IS CALEB'S PINK? >> [laughter]. >> I ONLY KNOW ABOUT A STINK.

>> I DON'T HAVE ONE, Y'ALL. AND IT MAKES ME [gasps] FEEL like I'm. going to [ __ ] cry. >> [laughter]. >> No, I'm going to [ __ ] cry because I. feel so out of place with y'all. Like. I'm literally like a man in this space. >> You're giving Caleb gender dysphoria. >> [laughter]. >> Oh, shut up. >> you have a pink somewhere. I'll get in there and I'll look. >> Everything down there IS. >> [laughter]. >> LET ME IN THERE. >> I'M WILLING TO GET MY HANDS DIRTY. >> YOU PUT ON GLOVES UP TO YOUR ELBOWS. >> [laughter]. >> LET ME IN THERE.

>> I'M GOING TO PULL MY SLEEVES UP. >> [laughter]. >> THIS IS CUFFS. Let's go. I would I think. I would fight y'all if I had the. opportunity. >> I would lose. >> I think Britney would start laughing, to. be honest. >> Yeah. >> Y'all would beat my ass to the point. where [laughter] I would have to be. permanently hospitalized. >> She'd be like, "No.". >> You would beat my ass. I've seen the. videos of you in the gym and I go, "Ow.". I'd lose. >> Yeah. >> Cuz I'm not strong, I'm just big. >> Which is a strength. >> Yeah. >> I think Yeah, the pen is your sword. >> Oh, god. Yeah, that's true.

>> Your wit. I think that's more than. enough. >> Oh my god. Well, yeah, that brings me to. my first point of the show. Thank y'all. so much for being on. >> [laughter]. >> Um. I think y'all wanted in the text. messages, y'all said that you wanted to. compliment me straight TO CAMERA, RIGHT? >> [laughter]. >> I THINK THAT WAS IN THE SHOW NOTES. >> WAS THAT OH, I THINK Where are the. producers? Didn't we have in the show. notes. >> [laughter]. >> to compliment Caleb STRAIGHT TO CAMERA. FOR. WELL, I THIS IS UH TERRIBLY HUMILIATING, BUT GO AHEAD. >> [laughter]. >> OKAY, if you want. We wouldn't want to. make you uncomfortable. >> No, I'll I'll GET THROUGH IT.

>> [laughter]. >> I OBVIOUSLY EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW KNOWS. that I'm the biggest fan ever of both. Britney and Caleb. I'd be doing PR for. y'all. >> It's true. >> Technically speaking. >> It's true. >> For free. >> And we're actually running the book. tour. >> Yeah. I was like, "My invoices are. unanswered as of right now." But don't. worry, I'll keep sending them. >> When your team texted Brittany and I on. a group message and said, "Will you guys. do security for Drew's book tour?". >> [laughter]. >> I will say there was a moment of a side. chat where we said, "Hold on, is that. offensive?". >> [laughter]. >> Is that RACIALLY PROFILING? >> IS THAT racially profiling? >> Racially or body profiling?

>> Yeah, well, you southern big white. people from the So you said Brittany and. I said, "You know what? That's our girl. Let's do it." We're going to do it. >> Well, and your resume was just that. picture of you in front of Aaron Carter, is that who it was? >> You know about this, don't you? >> He bounced for Aaron Carter. >> I body guarded for Aaron Carter one. night. >> Yeah. Is this like. there's. >> Ask any question you have. >> Hello. >> [laughter]. >> I can talk. >> TAKE YOUR TIME. >> COME BACK. COME BACK.

>> WHERE DID YOU GO? >> WHAT'S MY IMPRESSION OF BRITTANY just. now? >> IS GOOD. >> [laughter]. >> A STROKE MID SENTENCE. >> SHORT CIRCUIT AND JESUS. What thought of. you being a bodyguard literally made her. short circuit for a second. >> Someone's in this DP group. >> [laughter]. >> Oh, we're drinking DP in the mugs. >> We're doing DP. >> Sorry, this is the purp. >> Full sugar. >> Don't mind [laughter] it. >> Don't mind this. Have you seen that. [ __ ] tweet that's that white girl who. tweeted and she said, "LEAN IS A DRUG?". >> [laughter]. >> YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

>> I DO NOT. [laughter]. >> WHATEVER, LET'S [clears throat] MOVE ON. >> was me. >> Okay, you body guarded for [ __ ] Nick. Cannon. I don't want to say. >> [laughter]. >> Aaron Carter. >> Whatever. If I body guarded for Nick. Cannon, I'd have a kid by now. >> [laughter]. >> At least two. >> I'd be pregnant. Uh. >> You would have found a way to impregnate. you for sure. >> I'm always trying to get somebody to. impregnate me. I would love to carry. >> Well, what are you doing after this? >> [laughter]. >> Would you GET ME PREGNANT? >> UM if I could be a deadbeat mother. >> I don't see any other way. >> [laughter]. >> What's the other option? >> involved in THE KIDS' LIVES.

>> THAT'S FAIR. THAT'S VALID. OKAY, WELL, tell me the story. I don't know this. story. >> body guarded for Aaron Carter. It was. one night. I was in college and you. know, he was coming to campus and he. didn't have a security detail. And so, for sure. And um. >> Well, who's the biggest, gayest guy we. know? >> Yeah, they said, "What's Who's the. biggest [ __ ] in 3 square miles?". >> [laughter]. >> They said, "Who do we have?". >> That's with any place you go. That's. going to be top spot. >> That's me. I'm big dog. I'm Hey, I'm I'm. I'm king [ __ ] on big dick mountain.

everywhere I [laughter] go. Everywhere I go. And uh you know, so So, me and my buddy. on the student activities council, they. said, "Well, he needs security." And I. said, "I'm on it." We walked around. campus all day with walkie-talkies. pretending to like, you know, uh scout. the place. And then yeah, I buddy. guarded him all night. He kissed me on. the forehead. It was beautiful. >> After you made passionate love. >> beautiful. In front of the audience. >> No, the audience did want to [ __ ] him. though, isn't that funny? I mean, [laughter] he really cuz it was well. past his time, but they really wanted. just the girls were doing a nostalgia. horniness. >> What is ShoeDazzle heels? You don't.

remember ShoeDazzle? >> ShoeDazzle was a shoe subscription. SERVICE. >> [laughter]. >> WHAT? >> AND THEY WERE THE world's ugliest shoes. >> I wore some to my sweet 16. >> Yeah, and guess what it What do you know. >> What about JustFab? >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> JustFab online? Of course I know. >> Some of the worst blisters you could. ever think of in your life. >> They're literally shoe subscription like. websites and they were the gaudiest, most like Jersey Shore type heels. >> Is this a intergenerational gap that's. happening here? How old are y'all? >> [laughter]. >> She's the same age as me, [ __ ]. >> I'm like, JustFab? I've never heard of.

these things in my life. >> And she's a fetus compared to us. >> Yeah. >> I am very, very young. >> Yeah. >> You're developmentally very far behind. us. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah, I would say you are a lot further. behind us though. >> got a big forehead. THAT'S [ __ ] YOU. >> YOU ADVOCATE for yourself though. When. we all went to dinner the other night, you said, "Can we just pick a restaurant. that has pictures ON THE MENU?". >> [laughter]. >> CUZ WORDS ARE HARD AND I DON'T WANT TO. do that. >> thought that was I was like, "She can. advocate for yourself, girl.". >> [laughter]. >> Advocate, no. But advocate for yourself, that's important. >> What does ADVOCATE MEAN? >> YEAH. >> [laughter].

>> CAN YOU SPELL IT FOR ME? >> YEAH. USE IT IN A SENTENCE. >> DUDE, us the first time we all got. dinner together, I thought that it was. funny cuz you text you group text us and. then you were like, "If you [ __ ]. don't answer me, I'm going [laughter] to. send a bomb to both OF YOUR HOUSES.". >> [laughter]. >> I APPRECIATE THAT. AS A FRIEND, BECAUSE. I NEED to be held at gunpoint. >> Me, too. And it's such a it's a a. quality about myself that I'm trying to. work on of trying to be better about. responding and uh not ghosting people.

cuz I do it to both of you. >> Yeah. And Caleb's like, "Okay, well, let. me know when you START WORKING ON. >> [laughter]. >> LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU START THAT JOURNEY. >> THE PROGRAM KICKS OFF, GIVE ME A HOLLER. >> [laughter]. >> GO AHEAD AND HIT ME UP, GIRL. >> I WAS GOING to say, you're good both of. y'all are good about LIKE. >> AND I SAID, >> [laughter]. >> "YOU DON'T DOUBLE TEXT ME.". >> I'll beer I'll triple quadruple text. >> Yeah. I'll literally I'll literally at. her in our group chat. You know how you. like it tells you extra like, "Hey, bitch.". >> Yeah. Hello. >> Or sometimes she'll respond to memes on.

Instagram and I'm like, "Hey, uh go. ahead and hop over that group chat. Answer the other [laughter] [ __ ] 30. questions I asked you.". >> Oh, I'm glad you're having FUN ON. INSTAGRAM. >> [laughter]. >> LET'S PICK UP THE PHONE AND CHECK out. the text messages. How about that? >> I'm working on it, y'all. >> Well, as everybody here knows, I'm sure, the three of us have never been together. on the same pod before. So, this is. truly. >> Legally, we have not been allowed to. >> Yeah. The restraining orders made that a. little difficult. >> courts just lifted the embargo. >> [laughter]. >> and we were allowed into Brat Studios. >> And we're going stupid, GOING CRAZY. >> YEAH.

>> [laughter]. >> THAT IS HOW IT SOUNDS WHEN WE ALL HANG. OUT. >> [laughter]. >> WE GO TO DINNER. >> 100% gay nonsense. I feel bad for every. server who's ever encountered us. >> I know when we went to dinner the first. time like a few months ago. Uh remember when we left, the hostess. was like, "Man, you guys were laughing. all night.". >> Yeah. Is that derogatory? >> It was Yeah, it felt like. >> [laughter]. >> she was like, "You guys were laughing. all night." It felt like we had a little. bit of like. >> Yeah. >> Shut the [ __ ] up. >> Yeah. She's like, "Yeah, go ahead and. get the [ __ ] out of here, by the way.".

>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> [laughter]. >> At dinner, Dyson said that was the first. time the three of us ordered sodas, and. she was like, "Oh, I'm good with water.". And then Caleb was like, "Wait, you. think you're [ __ ] better than us?". >> [laughter]. >> AND THEN SHE GOT A SODA. >> YEAH, WELL. >> GROW UP AND order the DP. >> And then she necked it before the rest. of us. You're like, "Oh, didn't want a. soda, huh?". >> BY THE WAY. >> YEAH. DIDN'T want one? >> Downed it like a cartoon character. sucking on a cactus IN THE DESERT. >> [laughter]. >> JUST [ __ ]. >> HE LIKE POPEYE WITH SPINACH. >> [laughter]. [screaming].

>> HERE'S WHAT I'LL SAY ABOUT ME BULLYING. JASON into getting a soda. Something. >> [laughter]. >> people are scared to say this, bullying. works. Bring it back. >> It Bring back shame and bullying back. >> What do you think got me this show in. the first place? >> That's what I'm saying. Period. >> Thank you. >> [applause]. >> Thanks, guys. Now we get to terrorize. people for a living. And I love that. [laughter]. >> Well, you terrorize them by being. annoying, both of you. >> That's very. >> Both of us. >> MINE'S BEING MEAN. >> [laughter]. >> I TERRORIZE THEM LIVE AND IN PERSON. I SAY, "BUY A TICKET, COME OUT. I'm. going to be HORRIBLE TO YOU.".

>> [laughter]. >> AND THEY DO. And they show up. >> truly at a Caleb show, it's like seals. in an audience. >> [laughter]. >> THAT'S HOW I FEEL IN THE AUDIENCE. HE'S. LIKE, "IAN, YOU'RE UGLY AND YOU'RE FAT.". I'M LIKE, >> [laughter]. [screaming]. >> WE WENT AND WATCHED CALEB CUZ I DID AN. OPENING five for Caleb. >> [laughter]. >> First time I'm doing stand-up, and Caleb. trusted me to do it. And I said, "Okay, well, I did bring a gun, so. >> [laughter]. >> hope that's cool with you.". >> Someone's going out. I don't know if. it's me or someone in the audience, but.

>> Suicide just in case. >> If it bombs, I have a plan B. Just so. everybody knows. >> I did not. allow you to do a set on the show. I. begged you for months to do a set. anywhere. And then you came and did a. phenomenal set. You were You were very. good at it. >> Thank you very much. >> Did you have fun? >> I had honestly a blast. I was telling. him it felt like something completely. different from like doing Tik Tok or. whatever. Doing comedy [clears throat]. online is very different. So, the. feeling was awesome. >> It's a rush. >> was nervous as [ __ ] I'm never nervous. for work stuff, but I was really nervous. for that. >> Cuz you were a theater kid adjacent, right?

>> I did theater in school, but not a lot. of it cuz I was an athlete, too. >> It's that feeling of like. >> Yeah. >> being on a stage where you can't see the. audience and it's just the lights and. it's like, "Okay, I hope I remember what. I was going [laughter] to do, but. don't." And it's like also they're there. to see you cuz they love you. So, that's. it's a pat on the back, too. >> Yeah. >> Britney remembers that feeling from when. she was in high school and she played. the grandma on THE ADDAMS FAMILY. >> [laughter]. >> PERIOD, TRUE. PERIOD, TRUE. >> AND THAT IS A truth of mine. >> Cali, Cali, high school. I've seen. picture I found pictures. >> And did I win a Kelly award? Yes, I did. >> sure did. >> [laughter].

>> At Cal Arts in Texas. >> Every time I was in theater, they always. made me like an old lady or a man. >> Yeah. >> I was like, "Okay." I did experiment. with cross-dressing at one point in my. life. >> Yeah, for art? >> For art. >> Which is so beautiful. >> And then I started doing it behind. closed doors. >> Yeah. >> And that's drag. >> And that's drag, mama. That's drag. >> This is like such a random story, but. when I was in fifth grade, we did this. project where you had to do like it was. like a human wax museum. So, you had to. pick someone that you admire in history, do like a little paper on them, and then. on back to school night you had to dress. like them, write like a minute.

monologue, and then like pretend you. have a button, and then someone would. press it and then you have to recite the. monologue. >> pick? >> [laughter]. >> No one ever guesses because it's just. the most absurd pick in the world. >> Who did you pick? >> I picked King George the III. >> Oh. >> Which is the worst king in English. monarch history, one of them. >> Girl, why? [laughter]. >> And I don't I don't know. >> I DON'T. KNOW WHY I PICKED HIM. >> AND I REMEMBER. >> I WAS THE [clears throat] ONLY GIRL who. cross-dressed. I was the only one who. picked a man. And also I did not pick.

someone I admired person I don't know. why like my teacher literally called my. mom and was like, "I feel like she. should pick somebody else. Like. let's look into him a little bit more. I. feel like she should pick somebody else. >> She's steadfast in her decision. >> mom was like, "Well, does she really. want to do it?" And then she was like, "Yeah, like she she told me I have all. the material prepared." cuz I did. And. she was like, "Then just let her do it. Who gives a fuck?". >> Yeah, yeah. She was just Noelle, it's. Miss Blake. Um. >> [laughter]. >> Drew's being all DYKEY WITH HER.". JURY'S OUT ON DISSENT, BUT IT'S NOT. LOOKING GOOD OVER THERE EITHER. >> [laughter and screaming].

>> OH, DUDE. SOMETIMES I LOOK BACK AT MY. SISTER'S CRUSHES, I'm like, "Lesbian.". >> Yeah. >> She's so gay, it's crazy. >> Yeah. >> Like some of the people she liked, I'm. like, "Yeah, that yeah.". >> Like Jonathan Taylor Thomas. That was. such a big Like any When When someone. was like home Someone was like Jonathan. Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement, and. if it was a girl, I was like, "You're. gay.". >> [laughter]. >> Yeah. >> Sorry, you're gay. >> You know what was another one is um I I. had some gay cousins who had a similar. thing who loved Artie from Glee. That's their fave. That's their fave. And I was like, "Interesting.". [laughter].

Of all the men on that show, huh? That. is interesting. >> [laughter]. >> HEY, NO WORRIES, AND ALL RIGHT. AND WE LOVE YOU HOW YOU ARE. HEY, HOW YOU ARE. NO WORRIES. >> HOW YOU ARE. >> God damn. >> "That's okay, just not in front of me.". >> [laughter]. >> Yeah, whatever you do in the privacy of. your home. >> And I remember I was um King uh yeah, I. was King George the Third. >> Do you have a fact for us about King. George the Third that you remember? >> The only one I really remember is that. he was one of, if not the worst, English.

monarch. Like he he tanked the economy, he everybody hated him, he refused to. die, uh and he like went he went insane. like on the throne. He went insane, and. he refused to relinquish. >> You said, "I'm lucky [ __ ] with it.". >> And I was like, "And you know what? That's tea.". >> Hey. >> Maybe he's onto something. >> MOTION, TWINS. >> PERSEVERANCE. >> [laughter]. >> BUT UH HE AND I ARE NOT ALIKE, cuz I'll. tell you what, as soon as the. opportunity to die presents itself, I'm. taking it. >> [laughter]. >> I'M TAKING. I WILL NOT FIGHT. WHEN YOU SEE. >> ON IT. >> OH, YEAH. When you see people People. coming out of comas, and they're like, "She's a fighter." I'm not. >> [laughter]. >> I'll go. No worries.

>> Yeah, I had a good time, but I'm not. begging to stick around. Do you know. what I mean? >> You do strike me as like Gill from. Finding Nemo. Just like just been. through it. The hard-starred [laughter]. one. That's the That's the fish that. people say they're attracted to. >> I know that's [ __ ] right. >> [laughter]. >> Exactly. >> that's [ __ ] right. >> There you go. >> I I had a face scar. God, I would work. that. >> Drew's nails can make it happen. >> God, I would work it. Y'all cut me. >> [laughter]. >> Y'all cut me on the show. >> I'm like, I don't need that. PULL OUT A. KNIFE. >> [laughter]. >> COMEDICALLY LARGE SWORD.

Sometimes I look at my past when I was. like a child and I'm like, yeah, I needed attention bad. This. [laughter] is This makes sense. >> Yeah. >> You know what I mean? Yeah, I needed. that. >> Anything to be different. >> Yeah, and literally anything at all. >> Well, I got a good one. >> Like, did you guys have any memories. like that when you were kids? >> I'll tell you what. I got one. >> Let's hear it. >> Every day for about 2 years, I I refused. to wear anything except for a cowboy. boots with a full Kansas City Chiefs. windsuit. >> [laughter]. >> and a little cowboy hat. And here's what. I would do to play. This was my play, okay? >> your play? >> Play this This was my play. I was like. 7. I would go out in the yard with a.

shovel. >> Uh-huh. >> And I would dig in a ditch for a couple. hours. I would just dig around. I'd move. dirt around. >> [ __ ]. >> [laughter]. >> And I go inside all dirty and sweaty and. my mom would be like, "HOW WAS WORK. TODAY?". >> WERE YOU COSPLAYING BLUE COLLAR? [laughter]. >> GIRL, GIRL, the way I would go in the. house. I'd be like going up my sleeves I'd be. like, "Can I get some water?" She'd be. like [laughter] She'd be like, "Yeah, sweetie, some water." And my my. coworkers were all imaginary named after. country music stars. I'd be like, "Oh, me Kenny CHESNEY. >> [laughter]. >> ME ME KENNY ME KENNY CHESNEY, TIM MCGRAW.

I SAID, "ME Kenny and Tim got about as. much done as we could out there today, but. it was a hot one." And my mom would be. like, "I know that's right." But I'm. dead ass serious. >> Why are you doing physical labor? Reba's. [laughter] going to break my neck in the. morning. >> I'm dead ass serious. Reba's going to. have my ass. I would go out there I. would go out there and dig ditches and I. would just dig all day long and I go. inside. My mom, who's actually a single. mom working multiple jobs, by the way, would have to like. >> "I got actually got enough going on.". >> She would have to like play along to my. little bits. We're going to see if she. answers me right now. I'll tell her that. I'm not kidding. [laughter]. Please. Oh my god, answered on the first. ring. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.

>> [laughter]. >> Hey, Mom. >> no life. >> You She said I don't have a life. Oh, girl, okay. Hey, you're on a podcast, so. um. My friends Britney and Drew are here. Do. you want to say hi? >> How are you? >> Hi. >> I'm good. How are you? >> Good. Hey, I want to ask you a quick. question. You're on you're on camera and. and audio. Well, you're on audio. Um. when I was a kid, did I did I dress up. in cowboy boots and a full Chiefs wind. suit for like a year or two straight? >> Yeah. I mean, I'd have to basically wait. for you to fall asleep and take it off. of you so you could watch TV. >> [laughter].

>> And what would he do in the wind suit. when he was playing? >> Yeah, what would I do in the yard when I. was playing with Kenny and Tim? >> You did all sorts of stuff with Kenny. and Tim. >> [laughter]. >> Okay, not being very specific. Mom, the. content's better if you say specific. things. >> [laughter]. >> You talked to him. I had to set up. plates at the table for him. >> She had to set a plate at the table for. them? >> [laughter]. >> Yes, for Timmy. >> I would get. >> You never made me for Kenny, but I had. to for Timmy. I guess Kenny didn't. deserve to eat. >> [laughter]. >> That's. >> Would I or would I not go out and like. play in the dirt and pretend that we had.

worked like a long hard day? >> Oh, yes. Yes. You would come in and be so tired from. working outside with Timmy and here I. had worked a 12 HOUR DAY. >> [laughter]. >> WHAT DID I SAY? ALL RIGHT, I LOVE YOU, GIRL. YOU HAVE A GOOD ONE, OKAY? >> Love you. Bye. >> Bye. >> She's like, yeah, here I am [ __ ]. toiling over three jobs, by the way. >> WAY, A NURSE. >> [laughter]. >> A NURSE. AND SHE HAS TO HEAR ME COMING. IN BEING LIKE, "WHERE'S THE WATER, BITCH?". >> [laughter]. >> GOD, and dinner's not ready?

>> Yeah, on the table, [ __ ] you know. She was tickled pink by that. Did you. hear her at the end? She loved that. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah, she's not bad. She's not bad. She. stands me hard. >> I like how. >> [laughter]. >> you were cos playing blue collar work. >> Oh, come on, Mike Cole. >> You knew you would never. >> No, I knew then. I was like, "This is. about as dirty as it's going to get for. me.". >> Yeah, we're like, "I'm all about the. pageantry of hard work, but not the. actual hard work." Like physical. physical. >> Really stolen [laughter] valor. >> Stolen valor.

>> Do y'all Well, I'm looking at y'all's. hands and they've never worked a day in. their lives. And so, the three of us, we. We a lot in common in that way. >> [laughter]. >> That is true. What was y'all's first. job? What was y'all's first job? >> very first job, I think it was like legitimately when I. got paid for was in college and I worked. in like the athletics. athletic department office. I was like. an assistant. >> At the University of Hawaii? >> Yeah, I was a literally like an errand. running [ __ ] Like that's all I was. really. I was putting papers and putting. them and getting yelled at. Yeah.

Sweating in a two-type polo that. actually seems to be a theme in all my. jobs. >> [laughter]. >> You were in those polos. >> Oh, girl. BUTTONED TO THE TOP. ONE MONO BOOB. >> YOU were keeping Dick's Sporting Goods. alive. >> Yeah, alive and well, actually. Academy. And you can guess I was a. Baskin-Robbins employee. >> Thank you so much. >> thick knuckles from scooping [laughter]. your dirty dirty palms. My calloused. palms from scooping. >> How was that job? >> It was. um I think every single person should.

have to work in the food industry. >> Yeah, I did. I was a server in college. once. Yeah. >> I think every single person should have. to either prepare food for people or. serve food to people because it teaches. you a lot about humanity and it teaches. you a lot about how unhygienic places. are. I was 16, mind you. They let me. open and close the store by my lonesome. >> [laughter]. >> I was 16 years old. >> I'm taking money out OF THE REGISTER. >> [clears throat]. >> I'M SCOOPING LIKE digging my own spoon. in there. >> Yeah. >> I'm double dipping. >> [laughter]. >> That's actually how COVID started. >> Yeah, well, in the dairy ice tub in the.

Baskin-Robbins in. >> [laughter]. >> Southlake, Texas. >> I had grown men coming in every day. being like, "The usual for me.". >> [laughter]. >> This is MY FIRST DAY. >> ALSO, THEIR USUAL A large praline. milkshake. >> Yeah. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah. >> DO YOU KNOW HOW. LARGE THIS is how big a large is at. Baskin-Robbins, dude. That is a large. milkshake. >> Express cup, you know that [ __ ] It's. like 32 [laughter]. oz. Period. Period. >> They're yelling at me when I'm like, "Sir, we ran out.

>> Yeah. You're We're dry.". >> Yeah, you were in here yesterday and the. day before. [laughter]. AND THE TRUCK COMES ONCE A WEEK, HONEY. >> YOU'RE LIKE, "THAT'S 72 oz of praline. milkshake you've consumed, sir.". >> Hey baby, I'll talk to upper management, BUT FOR NOW. >> [laughter]. >> PICK A DIFFERENT ONE. YOU KNOW WHAT I. MEAN? Let me see what I can get going. for you. >> Oh my god. >> Yeah, it was but the server was the. worst job I've literally ever had. >> Oh my god. >> Did you? >> Oh my god, I worked in food service for. 4 years. At my first job ever, I. decorated cakes at a Golden Corral. >> Period. >> [laughter]. >> No, I did not know Golden Corral had. decorated cakes.

>> You better [ __ ] believe it. >> That's your that's your culture. >> They have little carrots on every slice. >> That's where your people go to worship. >> My yo, you're absolutely right. That's. my people. >> thing to a temple that isn't owned by. the church. >> 100%. I loved waiting tables. I honestly. miss it. I loved I just loved [laughter]. it. >> Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. >> I was like I was like I was like, "What. is going on, y'all?". >> [laughter]. >> WHY AM I EUPHORIC? >> I WOULD go to a table and I'd be like, "Hey. Hey. >> Boy, am I good to see you? Like, I'm. glad to see you. >> Oh my god, I'm good TO SEE Y'ALL.

>> IT'S ALL RIGHT. >> I'm good to see y'all. I loved it. I. Every single table I was like, "This is. a new friend." I loved it so much. And. when they ordered something complicated, I loved it even more. >> [laughter]. >> Cuz that's what fellowship. >> said, "What's going to happen? I'm going. to get it right and you're going to be. you're going to be shocked.". >> [laughter]. >> Oh, I loved it. >> It's community. >> Oh, yeah. My first and last serving job, I worked in like a steak house in Hawaii. and I. told the guy up front, I'm like, "I can. only work part-time cuz I like had a. full class load and another job." So, I. was like, "I This is like literally. getting [ __ ] up money. Like, this is. the money I So, my other money can go.

towards my bills. This is for me getting. drunk.". And so, um I made good money, too, cuz. it was like a high-end steak house. And I remember he was like, "Okay, 2 3. days a week." I'm like, "Cool." I start. working. It's hard as [ __ ] mind you. >> Why? >> I had to come in 3 hours before my shift. and set up like the salad bar and. everything and I had to like Yeah, girl. I was there all goddamn day. >> HARVESTING THE LETTUCE? >> [laughter]. >> I'M LIKE HACKING IT UP IN THE. I LITERALLY remember my very first day. He was like, you need shorts and a.

t-shirt is what I wore and then like you. had to have white shoes. And so the. shorts I thought he said black but it's. supposed to be khaki. So I brought black. cat like black shorts same the right. length whatever. I was like, oh I'm. sorry. I was like, it's okay. I'll buy. another one after today and then I'll. wear them. He goes, well you can't wear. those on the floor like you have to be. in uniform. And I'm like, well I don't. have any. He's like, don't worry. I have. some. And you're probably wondering, didn't you say it was a man? Yeah, I. did. And he went and got his backup. cargo shorts which turned out to be. another man who served there. They were. his shorts. Why they were at the.

restaurant? I don't. >> Not sisterhood of the traveling cargo. shorts. >> [laughter]. >> I'm like, these are the community. cargos. So he told me to put them on. Yeah, he told me to put them on. He's. like, you can't serve unless you put. these on. I put them on. They're men's. cargo shorts. I'm not a man obviously. So they're like tightest [ __ ] on my. foopa and my [ __ ] stomach. [laughter]. And then they're like. literally skin tight on the thighs and. then they bell bottom right here. >> [laughter]. >> So I look like the world's worst safari. park ranger. And I'm like, you got me. looking [ __ ] And I literally have a.

big ass camel toe. >> [laughter]. >> and a wedgie. >> You got to somehow a MOOSE KNUCKLE TOO. >> ALL OF A SUDDEN? I'M LIKE, IT COME THE. MOOSE KNUCKLE comes with the cargos. apparently. >> Oh [ __ ]. >> And I was like, I can't wear these. Like. I was literally like in tears cuz I'm. like, this is the fugliest I've ever. looked. And I told him I'm like, can I. please put on my other shorts? He was. like, no. So I served all night in. those. And I know. And I had such bad chub rub. And my legs. weren't even touching. They were. literally And that's from the shorts. literally just chafing away. Chafing.

away. And then I thought to myself, yeah, I'm not going to last here after. that day. And I got fired. >> UH-OH. >> WHAT? >> [laughter]. >> UH-OH. UH-OH. UH-OH. HOLD ON. HOLD THE PHONE. >> I ONLY served there for probably like. two-ish months and then like. one day I came in and he told me, oh so. I I have shifts for you for Christmas. break. And I'm not obviously didn't live. in Hawaii like I was going home. I was. like, "No, I told you I'm going home for. the holidays." And he was like, "Well, if you want to move up in the restaurant. industry, stop right there." I don't. Pause. I don't. Like I you made me look.

like a safari worker on my first day. I. don't want to work here forever. Are you. out of your [ __ ] mind? And so, I was. like, "Yeah, no. I told you I can only. do part-time. I'm doing my three shifts. a week." And he was like, "Okay." Next. time I came in to serve, he had me train. somebody like a man. He's like, "Oh, I. need you to train this guy. He's going. to work the shifts that you don't pick. up." I'm like, "Okay." Mind you, this. guy he's tweaking. Like the minute I. meet him, he's he's like You know what. I'm saying? >> Josh Peck from that one episode. [laughter] of Drake & Josh. >> Yeah, he's literally like twitching and. grinding his teeth a lot. And I was. like, Okay. And he kept he left, I'm not.

kidding, at least 20 times during the. shift to go to meth in the bathroom. Like literally, I can hear him I I. followed him over there once to like. listen, and I heard it like. >> [laughter]. [laughter]. >> No, for real. It was like. like. >> It's like a little the start of a Lil. Wayne song. >> No, that is crazy. BUT ALSO. >> [laughter]. >> YEAH, LITERALLY. AND THEN I GO. >> METH IS HARD. YOU SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO. DO METH at work.

That's real. >> Legalize it. >> After the shift, my manager's like, "Oh, can I talk to you outside?" I'm like, "Yeah, sure." And I figure it's about. the guy. And I'm like, "Hey, he's doing. meth. I don't think he's the guy. It my. gut tells me meth is a big no.". >> He's not our guy. >> Yeah, I go out there and I'm like, "Okay, I do have a lot of notes." And he. goes, "Yeah, um I'm moving you off your. shifts and I'm putting you on call uh. exclusively and you no longer work. here." That's like literally what he. told me. And I was like, >> Type [ __ ]. >> I was like, "Oh.". Oh. Okay, well, did you want to hear about. the meth guy? Or.

>> [laughter]. >> No? Okay. >> He said, "If I'm going down, everyone's. going down with me.". >> Yeah, and I was like, "Oh, okay. Well, all right." And I just like went got my. [ __ ] and left. And then I called Dason. and I was like, "Call your at the bus.". I'm sitting at the bus stop, across the. street, by the way. So, they're all. watching me as I'm sitting there. [laughter]. And tears in my eyes. And I'm calling my. sister and she's [ __ ] up going home. from a DEMI LOVATO CONCERT. >> [laughter]. >> WHAT'S GOING ON? AND THEN I WAS LIKE, "DUDE, I think I just got [ __ ]. fired." Like I literally like. >> [laughter]. >> In the background I was like, "GIVE YOU.

A HEART ATTACK AND BRAIN. >> SHE'S STILL THERE. >> [laughter]. >> SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM AT THE STADIUM. >> Remember when she was saying heart. attack at that cardiovascular EVENT? >> WHAT? >> [laughter]. >> NO. >> SHE WENT TO LIKE SOME sort of. cardiovascular whatever event. She's. saying heart attack and then she. couldn't believe people were mad. >> Mother bullet. >> MOTHER BULLET. >> [laughter]. >> MOTHER ATTACK. >> I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE [ __ ] WERE WE EVEN. TALKING ABOUT?".

>> OH, I WAS LIKE REMEMBER WHEN SHE WAS. SAYING THAT SONG AT THE CARDIOVASCULAR. EVENT? ANYWAYS, anyways that's the story of how I got. fired from my restaurant job. >> One time I went to Golden Corral you. could put in like time off requests in. this little system. This mean old guy. ran the restaurant named Kevin. >> Kevin, [ __ ] [laughter] you, [ __ ]. I know you're watching, [ __ ]. >> Kevin, I know you're a big fan of the. pod. >> Yeah, and I'm glad your wife got. everything IN THE DIVORCE. >> [laughter]. >> WHAT IF HE WAS A HUGE COMMENT SECTION. FAN? HE'S WATCHING he's like, "God. dammit.". >> He's at home with HIS MUG [laughter]. LIKE.

THAT'S LIKE, "FUCK." CATCHING STRAYS. >> KEVIN, eat a million dicks. You hear. [ __ ] [laughter]. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, [ __ ]. >> YEAH, BUT I PUT IN A REQUEST saying I. couldn't work There's one Friday night I. couldn't work. Mind you, I'm 15. I'm. working. >> [snorts]. >> I'm working 5:00 a.m. breakfast shifts. on Saturdays. >> Who is it? The GC it? >> [laughter]. >> WELL, THEY HAVE AN OMELET BAR THAT I HAD. TO SET UP. >> SEE, I ALWAYS HAD TO SET [ __ ] up. >> YOU GET PREPPED FOR THE omelet bar. >> I was fist deep in the Baskin-Robbins. toilet cleaning [laughter] that [ __ ]. Cleaning all the vomit out of it. >> I put in a request that was like, "Hey,

there's one Friday night I can't work. It's It's literally like [ __ ] Hilary. Duff and Cinderella vibes." I'M LIKE. >> [laughter]. >> DINER GIRL. >> I'M LIKE, "IT'S HOMECOMING.". >> [screaming]. >> [ __ ] DINER GIRL. >> HAVE A CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY that popped. into the story? >> god, no. >> Well, don't care. >> We'll talk about it off camera, but. >> [laughter]. >> I I I was like, there's one Friday night. I can't work, it's homecoming. >> Yeah. >> And I was like, so I can't work that. night. I put in the request, immediately. get a phone call from Kevin, and he. goes, "Hi. Um I don't know if you have. ever had a job before?". >> [laughter]. >> Now, mind you, I am 15. So, no, sir, I.

have not at your big ass age. [laughter]. >> Actually, I haven't. >> Oh, no, actually this is my first one. I'm shocked YOU COULDN'T TELL. >> [laughter]. >> AND HE GOES, "You don't tell your boss. when you can and can't work." And I. started crying, AND I WAS LIKE, "I'M UP. FOR A HOMECOMING GIG!". >> [laughter]. >> AND DID YOU WIN? >> NO. >> [laughter]. >> NO, BUT. I UM YEAH, IT WAS A TOUGH TIME in my. life. >> That's [ __ ] crazy. [laughter]. >> [ __ ] it's y'all. YOU'RE 40.

Y'ALL ARE THE SUPERVISORS. >> LIKE, YOU GUYS are the married couple, NOT ME. >> [laughter]. >> WHERE ARE MY AGENTS? >> [laughter]. >> OH MY GOD. HAVE YOU EVER WON HOMECOMING. KING, QUEEN, prom queen? >> I've won it all, honey. I've won it all. >> That's going to be a NO FOR ME. [laughter]. THAT'S GOING TO BE A BIG. NO. >> I WOULD VOTE FOR BOTH OF Y'ALL FOR. >> OH, THANKS. >> Y'all are the homecoming queens of my. life. >> You want to hear something funny? When I.

was in high school, they had this rule. that like cuz social media was like I. guess like it was new-ish, right? It was. emerging cuz I'm from colonial times. So, like. >> [laughter]. >> You know, I was on the covered wagon, and Instagram wasn't. >> You were in Edwardian times. King Edward. >> school, you had the printing press that. just came out. >> [laughter]. >> Gutenberg was doing numbers. >> [gasps]. >> Gutenberg, the [ __ ]. >> He literally Remember um the ASB like. the head of ASB, like the teacher or. whatever, she was a [ __ ] But she. literally would not let you campaign on.

social media. Like, you could not tweet. about it, you couldn't post on. Instagram. Like, you literally couldn't. do that cuz she said it was unfair to. kids who didn't have social media. >> Which I found to be [ __ ] personally. But I remember when I was I think I was. a junior going to be a senior. So like. Dason and Billy were both seniors at my. high school at the time. I was like running for senior student. council cuz I was trying to put it on my. resume. >> You were always so like. >> Yeah, and I but I was kind of like. what's the least amount of. responsibility? Okay, I'll run for. treasurer. Like that's how I decided.

>> You're in charge [laughter] OF THE. MONEY? >> I WAS LIKE WHAT'S THE LEAST AMOUNT OF. ALL I WAS LIKE WHAT'S SOMETHING I could. get someone else to do for me and still. have the title. >> [laughter]. >> And so I literally was And so I. literally was like I'll do treasurer. And so they had like different stages of. running for it. So like the first one. was like you just had to get on the. ballot and then the second one like them. having [ __ ] primaries. And then the. second one was like the actual one. >> You had to go to Iowa and caucus. >> [laughter]. >> EXACTLY. >> Everyone in the gymnasium went to a. corner. Yeah. >> She's NRA of course. >> I did go to the NRA but that was.

unrelated. [laughter]. >> Yeah. >> It's the convention but that was. unrelated to my campaign. But anyways it. is relative to my politics though. And. so then when I was. >> Three of [laughter] us. >> I completely [ __ ] forgot. Like I. completely forgot that we were having. the primary vote or whatever. So I just. started telling people. I was like hey, hey, make sure you vote for me today. And I was like up against I think a. cheerleader and one other kid that was. like. And I was only two of us could make it. And so I think that cheerleader was. pretty confident she was going to beat. me cuz she had all these fancy ass. posters and everything everywhere. And I.

was like. >> [ __ ]. >> I was just like word of mouth be like. hey, if you're voting, make sure you. vote for me. And so I I just started. doing that but I didn't realize at the. time that Dason and Billy were both. telling people to go vote for me too. And like obviously [clears throat]. you've seen Billy. He looked like that. in high school. So yeah, a lot of people. are going to listen to him. >> That's actually not true. He looked like. a MEXICAN JONAS BROTHER. >> [laughter]. >> I'VE SEEN THE PHOTOS. >> I DON'T CARE WHAT HE looked like. I've. seen him now. And if he came up to me in. high school and said vote for vote for. this girl for president I'd be like no. worries. >> [laughter]. >> I mean whatever you want.

>> Yeah, 6'2" in high school. What the [ __ ]. is. >> Yeah. >> No, I'm good. Anyways. >> And I remember he he was helping. campaign for me and I made it onto the. ballot and then the for real one started. and I remember he tweeted about me at. the like final thing and he was like, "Hey, everyone, make sure you go vote. for Drew." And then I literally called. him and I was like, "DELETE THAT [ __ ]. TWEET. YOU'RE GOING TO GET ME [ __ ]. DISQUALIFIED." Like I literally was so. mad at him [laughter] because he tweeted. that. >> When he was trying to ride for his. woman. >> Oh, yeah. Before I was his woman. That. was when I was like, you know what I. mean? I was in a real one of those. phases with him.

>> Yeah. >> really annoyed with him all the time. >> We've been through that many times. >> Yeah. You with Caleb? Yes. >> Oh god, have we ever? >> That's pretty pretty privileged. >> Well, this one this one. >> [laughter]. >> My my goofy aunt? >> This. >> My crazy aunt? >> This silly silly one right here. The way. she finally bagged me was um I had told. her no for 2 years straight. >> At least 2. >> no, no. I said, "Get away. I'm not. interested. I'm not interested." And she. she came up behind I'm going to cry cuz. this is so funny. >> [laughter]. >> She came up behind me getting in my car.

I was in a parking garage. I was getting. in my car. She came up behind me and put. chloroform over my face. >> It works. It works. >> And it works and I passed out and I came. to in her house. >> Yes. >> And she said, "You're going to be my man. or else." And uh we've been together. ever since. >> 13 [clears throat] years? >> 13 years and and two beautiful children. >> [laughter]. >> that I do not care for. >> She doesn't. She really doesn't. She. really doesn't. [laughter]. And I am just picking up the slack and. I'm happy to do it and we share a. beautiful Toyota Camry.

>> [laughter]. >> Serious question for both of you. What's. the most embarrassing thing that's. happened to you when you were like in. high school? >> God. >> Something that like altered the. trajectory of your path. >> Oh, I asked a young gentleman to prom. and he said no. >> What? >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> In what way? Like he just went, "No.". >> In a way that was very visceral and um. impassioned, you know? I was like I and. I texted him. I got his number. That shouldn't have been my number. I'm. I'm This was not a young gentleman that. I had his phone number previously. I got. it from someone and I texted him and I.

was like. His name was A.J. Okay, he was a young. Indian man. Loved him. And I texted him. and I said, "A.J., you know, you and me. have something special. Uh do you want to go to prom together?". And he hit me back with a "You know, I. don't look at you like that.". >> [laughter]. >> NO. NO. >> NO. >> WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD. You could have I. mean just. A no would have been okay. >> you said you said A.J. I felt something. between us. He said TIME OUT, SHREK. >> [laughter]. >> PAUSE. >> HE SAID BACK TO THE SWAMP. >> NO, HE SAID HE SAID THAT'S ABOUT TO HURT. MY FEELINGS. >> HE SAID THAT'S MEAN.

>> He said that's really mean. That's. really [ __ ] up. >> A.J. we had [laughter] something. That's. mean. >> That's mean. >> That's really [ __ ] up that you would. say that to me. >> Yeah, that was like truly like I cried. that night and I was like I could then I. had to laugh cuz I was like that's. actually so mean it's hilarious. >> Then being like you know I don't see you. like that. I DID NOT. I DID NOT. >> WELL, I'M FINDING OUT RIGHT NOW. SO, NO. >> news to me. That's probably going to be number one. >> That's going to be high up there. >> I um high school boy was really good for. me. >> [laughter].

>> Nothing comes to mind. >> Yeah, I mean I'm really like sorry. I. want to have a sad story like yours, but. um. >> [laughter]. >> it was a pretty charmed life for me. Uh. >> Bewitched. >> I have. I have one from from middle school. though that it comes to my mind. constantly. Like sometimes when I'm just. walking down the street in the middle of. a busy day I'll go oh that happened. >> Brings you to your knees. >> I have I have one like that too from. middle school. >> I wanted to be more um. outgoing at school. That was something I. was working on cuz at the time I was. really I wasn't ever shy, but I was like. I just wasn't I didn't figure myself out.

yet, you know. It was like probably. eighth grade and there were these there. was this uh student council meeting that. was going on and all the cool kids were. going to be in there and it was in Miss. Monsterman's class. >> Shut up. >> Um shout out Joy Monsterman. I hope. you're happy girl. I'm so sorry I'm not. Christian anymore, but my love to you. and. >> [laughter]. >> And I am gay. >> And I am gay and I don't think she would. care about that. She's pretty cool. She. Well, I don't want to get into it, but. she um. It was a pajama day. >> Okay. >> And so I was wearing sleep pants like. everyone was. And I um I pulled I was. like, "Oh, you know what would be funny. is if I pulled my sleep pants up real. high.". >> [laughter]. >> The classic bit.

>> And I was like wearing them and so I was. like. So I was like I was like, "Everyone will. laugh at this." And so I walked into the. room and I stuck his foot up high and I. was like. >> [laughter]. >> You're not doing that. And everyone did. laugh. But everyone and I I so since. everyone laughed, I kept doing it the. rest of the day. And finally one of the. cool kids like 2 hours later came over. to me. and he was like he was like, "Hey, uh. the bit you're doing with your pants. like I know people are laughing but it's. actually mean because we're getting like. a really visible outline of your ball. sack. and also your [ __ ] And like your. pants are so high up that like your.

balls are on like crazy display. >> [laughter]. >> And also your dick print is like really. pronounced and no one wants to tell. you.". >> It's actually really [ __ ] gross. So. go ahead and put that away for me. >> And I and [laughter] I literally he's. telling me. >> Back in the whole school. >> way, he's telling me this way in the. hallway while the pants are up. Which is. like and then I'm just standing there. receiving it. And he tells me all of it. he goes he goes he goes, "No one wants. to tell you." And I go, "THANK YOU, COOPER.". I KIND OF DURING THE CONVERSATION I JUST. KIND OF scooted the [laughter] pants. down. AND THEN I THOUGHT I could trust. Cooper. >> And then.

>> So then. >> There's more? >> So then 2 months later [laughter] well. Cooper always got compliments on. smelling really good. And so I thought I. could trust him. And so 2 months later. at an assembly I was sitting by him. I. was like, "Okay, I know how I can be. really popular is if I just figure out. what cologne Cooper wears and he'll. probably tell me because he was so cool. to me about the pants.". >> THAT'S YOUR BOY. THAT'S [laughter] YOUR. BOY. >> THAT'S MY BOY. LIKE THAT'S. >> He was SO COOL ABOUT THE NUT SACK THING. HE WAS SO CHILL ABOUT MY MOOSE KNUCKLE. >> NO, THAT'S so chill about it. THAT'S. [ __ ] OHANA. >> [laughter]. >> THAT'S [ __ ] FAMILIAR RIGHT THERE.

>> That's gang. That's family. That's gang. That's family. That's gang. >> That's gang. That's family. So I said, "Cooper." I said, "Cooper.". >> [laughter]. >> I said, "Cooper, what cologne do you. wear?" And he said, "Oh, I don't It's. just like I don't know. My mom gets it. for me." And I And I go I go, "Oh, yeah, but like [laughter] what is it?". And he goes he goes, "I really don't. know. My mom gets it for me." And then. during this whole assembly I I I just. keep every time I get a chance being. like, "Cooper, do you even know like. what the bottle looks like?". >> [laughter]. >> You know? BUT I'M TRYING TO PLAY IT COOL. SO, I'M. LIKE, "YEAH, I ALMOST wonder what the. shape of THE BOTTLE IS.". >> [laughter].

>> AND HE'S HE'S LIKE, "OH YEAH, I don't. remember, man." And like literally, I'm. being so persistent cuz I don't know I. think I'm being coy, you know? And then. finally, I go, "I need to know what. cologne you wear." [laughter]. >> AND YOU'RE GOING TO [ __ ] TELL ME NOW. >> And he goes he goes, "If I tell you, will you just stop talking to me?". >> [laughter]. >> And I go AND I GO AND I GO AND I GO, "YEAH.". AND HE DID AND HE DID AND IT WAS LUCKY. YOU it was Lucky You cologne for men. And I that night when I got home, I was. like, "Mom, you have to get me Lucky You. cologne.".

>> [laughter]. >> The fact that you're. [ __ ] interrogating him. >> No, it really was like. >> [laughter]. >> it was like scenic the way it played out. like he would be talking to other people. he'd be like talking to the boys and. like cutting up and then there was a. moment silence I'd be like, "Anyway, [laughter] Coop.". >> I'm imagining you having to repeat cuz. he can't there like IT [screaming] GETS. A LITTLE LOUD. COOPER. >> COOP. >> COOPER. >> COOPER. >> COOPER. >> NO, LIKE I WAS saying. >> Speaking of smells. >> You guys are you guys ARE [ __ ] NO, YOU GUYS ARE SO FUNNY. >> [laughter]. >> COOPER, WHAT COLOR IS THE BOX IT COMES.

IN? WHAT PLACES DOES YOUR MOM SHOP. REGULARLY? >> Which like department store would you. say like if I'm getting if I listen to. them, would you say hot or cold or like. >> text your mom. >> Yeah. Cooper, what are THE TOP NOTES? >> [laughter]. >> LITTLE IS IT LIKE A MUSK AMBER? >> I'MMA COME OVER. >> WHAT IF I COME OVER AFTER SCHOOL, DUDE? YOU CAN SHOW me what the bottle is. >> Oh, he's like, "God damn, man." He's. interpreting all of that as friendship. >> By the way, what I know now is he didn't. want to tell me the cologne cuz he.

didn't want to be cologne brothers with. me. >> [laughter]. >> WHAT? HE DIDN'T WANT ME RUNNING AROUND. SMELLING LIKE him cuz that lowers his. stock value. >> real. That is real. >> me on the rise. >> Yeah. [laughter] He He gatekeeper He was. he was the original gatekeeper. He said, "Your fat gay ass is not going. to bring down my stock value.". >> You smell like that FAT GAY KID. [laughter]. >> [laughter]. >> COOPER, COOPER, WHY DO.

YOU'RE WEIRD. >> [laughter]. >> COOPER, WHY. WHY DO YOU SMELL LIKE SLEEP PANTS? >> [laughter]. >> THAT'S MY NICKNAME. WHY DO YOU SMELL. LIKE BALL SACK SLEEP PANTS, KID? >> YOU SMELL LIKE THAT KID THAT was hanging. brain IN HOMEROOM. >> [laughter]. >> COOPER. >> [screaming]. >> YOU SMELL LIKE THAT FAT [ __ ]. >> [laughter]. >> OH MY GOD, IT'S SO [ __ ] RIDICULOUS. >> YOU SMELL LIKE THAT [ __ ]. And he knew. And he knew. He knew.

[laughter] the gatekeeper. Cuz the first thing I DID WHEN I FOUND. OUT WAS GO GET a bottle, honey. >> I love the way that you just didn't. stop. You're like, no, but for real, dude. Like, for [laughter] real. For. real, though. Like, let's get real. >> Seriously, you can't give a mouse a. cookie. He gave me one kindness. >> [laughter]. >> He gave me one kindness. >> No, cuz you give a mouse cookie and he's. going to MACY'S AFTER SCHOOL. >> HE SAID, HE SAID, "HEY, MAN, EVERYONE'S. tired of seeing your ball sack." And I. said, "YOU'RE FAMILY." [laughter]. >> [screaming]. >> YOU'RE BLOOD TO ME, PIMP. >> He was always talk [ __ ]. >> I have I have no way of knowing cuz I.

never checked back in, but I can I can. almost guarantee you HE SWITCHED. COLOGNE. >> CALL Cooper the way you just called YOUR. MOM, BRO. >> [laughter]. >> GET COOPER ON SKYPE. >> YEAH. UH fans listening at home, do the. over under on whether or not me and. Cooper are STILL IN TOUCH. [laughter]. EVERYONE EVERYONE RUN SOME BETS. I'LL. LET YOU KNOW. >> You pulling up your pants for a bit? >> Yeah. >> Just dancing around? >> Yeah. >> I will say, as a fellow fatty, um. previously, THERE WAS. THERE WAS SOMETHING VERY I CALL IT THE. CHRIS FARLEY BIT.

>> YEAH. >> YEAH. >> It's It's the funny of like, you know, you pull up your tuck it under your. boots. >> shuffle. >> Yes. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> I mean, it's the classic like. Chippendales Chris Farley skit of like. they just love to see that sort of it. it'll kill every time until it doesn't. >> Oh, yeah. >> Until Coop has to get real with you in. the hallway. >> Then [laughter] it's not that great. anymore. >> Until he does a one-on-one IN THE. HALLWAY. >> HE'S LIKE, "HEY, can I talk to you. outside for a second?" [laughter]. >> Performance review. >> Yeah, until until I've got Coop up. against a wall with a knife to his neck. asking him what the [ __ ] cologne is. >> [laughter]. >> What's the cologne, brother?

>> No, seriously. >> Hey, you're being a real fool, brother. I [ __ ] had it WITH THE GAME. [laughter]. >> HE SAID, "WILL YOU LEAVE me alone?" And. you said, "Yeah.". >> I said. >> [laughter]. >> BECAUSE I HAD A PLAN. I SAID, "I KNOW. HOW I'M GETTING AHEAD.". GIVE ME THE FORMULI. >> [laughter]. >> IN HIGH SCHOOL, WHAT DID YOU WHAT WERE. you in? >> Student council and what else? >> Well, by high school, yeah, I had pretty. much figured out how to be what people. wanted me to be. >> Mhm. >> So, things were going better. I wasn't.

having any Cooper interactions anymore. >> Oh, this was middle school. >> This was middle school. So, I leveled it. out by high school. High school was. pretty pretty fine. I was in everything. I was in like FCCLA, FBLA, FFA, student. council. >> in FFA. >> Maybe I was creed speaking, soils team, and cattle team. >> [laughter]. >> I judged cattle in high school. >> We've talked about this actually. I. didn't know it was you. >> Yeah, I judged cattle in high school. >> Yes, I did. >> He's a real agrarian. >> I'm an agrarian. >> like it. >> Yeah, I well, I joined cuz I they had a. public speaking, they had creed. speaking, and I wanted to do I was like. I was like, "Watch me body the [ __ ] out. of that.". >> Creed, you're just singing Creed.

>> Can you take me higher? >> [laughter]. >> Creed, the smell. >> Can you take me. Uh no, but I. I wanted to do the creed speaking, but. you had to be on three teams. That was. the rule. And so, they put me on soils. team, which I was pretty promptly kicked. off of. I didn't like you had to touch. the dirt, and every time I was like, >> What, but you were so familiar with it. as a child, apparently. Things have. changed, brother. >> [laughter]. >> That's when he was blue collar, though. >> He wasn't keeping up with my world. >> You might as well be speaking Mandarin. to me cuz this [ __ ] is too white for me. I don't know any what any of that means. >> That's like redneck [ __ ]. >> It's real like southern [ __ ]. >> Yeah. >> And it's like.

at your high school? >> Yeah. >> That's crazy. >> Y'all should have been there. >> but yes. >> We had [laughter] FFA and it was uh. I mean, we never saw them. It was like. they went to a different school. >> They're in that building, [laughter]. yes. >> They're in that building and in the. portables. >> Yes. >> Yeah, they said get the [ __ ] out of. here. They smell like swine. >> Yeah. We had our prom in in a hog sale. building. We had our prom in a in a hog [laughter]. a hog a barn. And they were like they were like, "Don't worry, they're going to sleep it. out." And I was like, "They're going to. sleep it out?" [laughter]. Well, well, thank god.

>> I was worried about them not sleeping it. out. >> I was like, "There's hog [ __ ] in the. construction [laughter]. of the place.". >> It's in the essence of the building. >> And you know what? >> Asbestos and hog [laughter] [ __ ]. >> Hog on my face, it was a beautiful. dance. >> My junior year of prom, I That's when I. said no to Billy, but I went with a. Mormon dude and it was the worst time. I've ever had in my entire life. >> Could you describe the ambiance? What. music was playing? Are you wearing. sleeveless cocktail gown? >> Oh, yeah, no, I had a full-length like. sleeveless, lots of tulle on the bottom.

It was like an aqua turquoisey blue. >> Curved Billy for a Mormon. >> Yeah, [ __ ] me, honestly. >> me, brother.". >> [laughter]. >> You've been put through too much by this. Mormon. >> It's funny, too, cuz. he actually text Dason and was like, "Hey, do you think Drew would go to prom. with me?" And he's like plea And he. said, "Please don't tell her." And then. she goes, "Oh my god, dude, guess who. JUST TEXT ME." [laughter] TELLS ME TELLS. ME immediately like minutes after. >> Queen. >> And then. And I was like, "I can't." Cuz like at. the time there was drama at the time, but he had broken up with a girl who was.

friends with me and I was like, "I just. didn't want the drams.". >> Yeah. >> And so I was trying to be a good friend. >> Girls girl. >> Yeah. From the beginning. >> Oh, mind you. >> Yeah, and then I was like, "I can't do. that." Even though they'd been broken up. for like two years. I was just like, "She's my friend and I think you know, whatever." And so that was a big L on my. part, to be honest, cuz she She. literally said she said no. That's what. she text him. >> [laughter]. >> Queen. >> She said no. And he said it's He said. it's actually no worries. And then he. ended up going with somebody else and. then I went with the Mormon, and I had. the worst night of my life. So, the.

egg's on my face, honestly. >> Yeah, you can't have caffeine or. anything. >> Can't win them all. [clears throat]. >> The Mormon part of him was honestly the. least of his worries. Like, he was just. the most off-putting person I've ever. met in my entire [ __ ] life. And I say. this to this day, if I ever meet him, I'm putting him on his back, [ __ ] and. not in a good way. >> Not in the way he wants. >> No, I'm beating the [ __ ] out of him is. what I'm saying. >> TK all the way. >> He's the [ __ ] worst. Like, he It's. funny, too, cuz when we first met each. other, like, cuz we barely knew each. other, too, on top of that. So, when we. met and we were talking, he's like, "What's your type?" And I'm like, "Uh, like, someone nice and funny." Like, say.

something real general. I'm like, "What. about you?" He goes, "I like short white. girls with glasses." Now, I don't know. if you know anything about what I look. like, Caleb, um but. >> [laughter]. >> Cooper, probably. >> And I was like, >> "I like short white girls with glasses.". No game at all. No game at all. Just. >> "I Oh, I like short white girls with. glasses." And that was the girlfriend he. had, right? And he broke up with her to. go to prom with me. And then, after he. went to prom with me, he went and got. back with her. >> And the last thing is you don't even. have glasses. >> Yeah, no [ __ ] girl. I actually do wear. glasses, too, and I cuz I'm blind as.

[ __ ] but like, I purposely didn't wear. them cuz I didn't want him to think that. I was wearing them for him. So, I was. just blind all weekend. I was like, Like, [laughter] he just [ __ ]. Daphne's head ass like walking around. >> His version of the story is, "Yeah, I. tried to take this girl on a date, and. she [ __ ] couldn't see. It was so. She was so weird. She was like, I was. helping her helping her across the. street." She asked for the menu in. braille. >> [laughter]. >> And then, and then she kept pulling up. her pajama pants and dancing around. It. was a bit. >> YOU JUST STRANGE. SHE HAD BALLS? >> I DON'T KNOW. >> ALL OF a sudden, I saw an imprint. I.

don't [laughter] know. >> It was a whole thing. I don't know. It. was weird. It was prom. >> And it was funny because he brought a. friend for my sister. And he was like, "Oh, I'm going to bring. one of the two guys that I had already. met.". >> senior? Are you talking about senior. year? >> This was my junior year, that her senior. year. >> And you took him. >> Yeah, I took him. >> Oh, okay. Okay, got it. >> But he was like, "I'll bring a friend, and then we can go like with your. sister." I'm like, "Okay, cool.". And. >> [clears throat]. >> the two guys that he had with him that I. had already met were like This guy was. like half some He was someone, too, the. guy that I went with. The other two. guys, one of them was like Hawaiian, one.

was like Tongan. They were both. good-looking dudes. All three of them. were really good-looking. And so, I was. like, "Okay, yeah, either one, sure, whichever one's available." And he's. like, "Okay." He picks one. He's like, "I'm going to bring him." Can't come. Then the other guy, he's like, "I'm. going to bring him." He can't come. He's. like, "Don't worry, I have another. friend." But won't send me a picture. >> Yeah. >> I'm like, I need to Well, can you send. me a picture? He goes, "Well, I'll look. for one." And then when they're on the. way to like our house. >> to get a picture of him cuz he he. maintains a bell tower at Notre Dame. >> [laughter]. >> He's really booked, honestly. HE'S BUSY.

AS HELL. >> HE'S BUSY as hell. He's up there. >> He's actually guarding the the gates of. Tartarus, so he's a little He's a little. busy. [laughter]. He's a little busy. >> [screaming]. >> Um Girl, he shows up. I'm not kidding. He looked 40. Like He was bald. >> Well. >> White guy. But he looked. >> in high school? >> Yeah, girl. >> he left him. He. And then literally Jason ghosted him. >> [laughter]. >> First of all, ditches him the whole. night. But then she goes like, "Yeah, he.

[ __ ] brought a substitute teacher for. me." And like [laughter] he goes, "Wait, girl.". >> That [ __ ] is so real, dude. >> And then she's like, "Oh, yeah, I'm a. lesbian.". >> Yeah. >> Like it's just the way that she was. like, "Oh, yeah, I'm gay.". >> Wait, actually disrespectful. >> [laughter]. >> This will never happen to me again. >> I'm going to cry. >> They're never doing this [ __ ] to me. again. But I'll say the worst night. worst part of the whole night. Well, my. dance was like. I don't know, like Southern California. dance, maybe this is exclusive to my. high school, but like the way that they. dance is crazy. Like this is the year.

where like don't drop that donk dada. came out. Hey ladies, right? >> Hey, TBT. >> All of that. And so, you know, people. are freaking and they're grinding and. they're being weird. I knew he was. Mormon. He had told me every dance he'd. been to they had a live band, so I'm. assuming they didn't play that [ __ ] over. in St. George, Utah. So, I literally. told him I'm like. >> play Sweet Caroline [laughter] at prom. >> ENOUGH. >> FOR REAL. IT'S LIKE THAT PROUD TO BE an. American song. >> That [ __ ] THAT'S MY SONG. >> [laughter]. >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT.

POLITICS. >> AND I'M PROUD TO BE an American where at. least I I proudly stand. >> THAT SONG [ __ ] DUDE. >> [laughter]. >> LEE GREENWOOD, you will always be. famous, [ __ ]. >> And like I told I warned him. I said, "Hey, my school doesn't get down like. that. So, like just be prepared for what. you see when you go in there. I don't. want you to freak out." When he sees. people grinding, he's literally like. >> [laughter]. >> like we're in a haunted house. And then. he kind of he kind of like calms down a. little bit. So, I'm like, "Hey, do you.

want to dance?" And he's like, "We are. dancing." But we're like standing next. to each other. I'm like, "No, like do. you want to dance together?" Like it. doesn't have to be crazy or whatever. And he was like, "No.". Like just instantly disgusted with me. And then he goes, "That goes against. God." That's what he said to me. >> Okay. >> And I was like mind you it's a Saturday. So, then I go, "Well, I mean you could. ask for forgiveness tomorrow." I'm. thinking it's funny. >> Right. >> And then he goes, "That's not funny.". And then he walks away from me. >> Also [laughter]. Oh, no. IN THE SENSE THAT.

NO. >> NO, THAT'S NOT WELL, I WAS LIKE, "WELL, THAT'S WHAT I WAS SAYING." I just. immediately go, "Chase, why would you. say that? That's [ __ ] up.". >> Chase, that's really [ __ ] mean, seriously. You know he's a Mormon. >> [laughter]. >> So, then that made it awkward for a. little. And then once he he kind of. comes back around again, he stops being. weird. And then. ish. And then we're outside and we're. kind of he's kind of vibing a little. bit. He's like being a little nicer, like a little more touchy, whatever the. [ __ ] to me. I'm like, "Okay, maybe he's. calming the [ __ ] down." And then uh his. buddy, you know, the substitute teacher, he was like, "Hey, you should show them.

your your favorite dance move." Right? And he goes, "Oh, yeah. I have the best. dance move ever." Stands up. I'm not. kidding. He's like, "Well, it's two. parts, right?" The first part you're. unscrewing a light bulb, right, Mormon? And he's like, "The second The other. hand you use and you pretend that you're. shoving a dildo. >> [laughter]. >> up your ass." I'm not kidding. I'm not. kidding. This is the same man who told. me I was a [ __ ] [ __ ] for wanting to. DANCE WITH HIM. >> WHAT? >> AND then he starts pretending. I'm not.

kidding. >> [laughter]. >> He's literally doing this. And he's like. shoving the dildo up his butt, metaphorically of course. >> GREATEST FREAKOUT [laughter] EVER. >> DIRECT TV REMOTE [laughter] UP THE ASS, GIRL. And he's literally going like this. and he's like shoving and he's like. laughing. And the way. >> [laughter]. >> Go to royal shock AND HORROR. THE WAY ME. AND JASON are like, "Oh!". Like we're watching and we're like, and. then I I'm not kidding. I Jason was. like, >> No way. >> [laughter]. >> And then I go, "I HAVE TO GO TO THE.

BATHROOM." And I went to the bathroom, Jason followed me, AND I WAS CRYING. [laughter]. AND I WAS JUST LIKE, "I [ __ ] HATE. HIM, DUDE. I HATE HIM! HE'S THE WORST!". >> [laughter]. >> And we're really crying. I'M LIKE, "I. LOOK SO GOOD! AND I SHOWED UP GOING I'm. a [ __ ] weirdo!" I'M LIKE SCREAMING. >> [laughter]. >> HE CAN PROBABLY hear me, by the way. >> Meanwhile, cut to you and the Raptors. Billy's up there just. >> [laughter]. >> He's like, >> You get what you pay for, [ __ ]. >> He gives him $100. He's like, "Did you. show [laughter] her the dildo part?".

>> JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE. YOU DID THE. DILDO DANCE. IT'S OKAY. MAKE SURE SHE'LL. LOVE IT. YOU SHOULD DO IT. HE'S HE'S THUMBING OFF HUNDREDS. [laughter]. HE'S LIKE, "YOU COULD HAVE GONE FARTHER. WITH THE DILDO THING." IT WAS GOOD. STUFF, DUDE. >> He leaned a little too heavy into the. light bulb and not enough into the DILDO. BUTT. >> [laughter]. >> THE LIGHT BULB is such a classic. Christian like wholesome Like he. The mixture of those two. He was like, "Yeah, so basically you have a shopping. cart [laughter] WITH ONE HAND AND YOU. SHOP and pick yourself out. And then. you're getting sloppy from A BAD. MARRIAGE.". >> [laughter]. >> JUST LIKE. THE [ __ ] HARD LEFT. SO LIKE I WAS.

LIKE, >> [laughter]. [screaming]. >> THEN I BECOME RELIGIOUS? >> HE'S DOING THE DILDO THING. HE'S HE'S. DOING THE BUILDING. He's like, "Who's. Mormon now, BITCH?" HE'S LIKE. >> [laughter]. >> YOU WANT TO ASK FOR FORGIVENESS FOR. THIS? YEAH, that's what I thought. >> [laughter]. >> Stop this. >> The way it was so like cashed to them, I. was like. >> Yo. Yo. >> Horrifying. >> It's crazy what a religious mind will. rationalize. >> No, girl, the homoeroticism is just out. of control. >> No one loves men more than men,

seriously. >> It's like like primates, girl. >> It is. >> They're like, "What are you doing?". >> [laughter]. >> Shove it in and then they're going. It's like you're you're picking bugs. with one hand and then you're shoving a. dildo up your butt with the other. And like he literally said dildo and I'm. like, "You said [laughter] freaking and. grinding was against God, but you know. what a dildo is?". >> Nasty work. >> You won't hit the dougie with me AND I'M. LIKE. >> [laughter]. >> THE CAT DADDY IS TOO FAR, BUT shoving a. fake penis up your butt is not?

>> The cupid shuffle is of the devil, well, dildo up the ass. >> [laughter]. >> Well, that's different cuz it's a joke. >> No, a dildo is just crashing into the. pentagon. A DILDO IS JUST HITTING THE COCKAGON. >> [laughter]. >> MHM. >> [ __ ] THAT'S FUNNY. >> LIKE I feel like the embarrassment kind. of stopped in high school. Like college. I was like, "I'm actually the coolest.". >> Yes. >> Like I really came into my own in. college. >> What about you, Caleb? >> Yeah. >> You all kind of been that girl for the. Cooper situation in there. >> [laughter]. >> And then high school I was just like a.

total like high school I was just like. uptight, I think. My actually, you know. what I I did a show in DC last uh like. like two weeks ago and a very good. friend of mine from high school. uh came up to me. I do the I do a whole. story about how uptight I was as a. teenager and how I thought I was a I. think I I look back now and go, "That. kid's a loser." Like if I had a kid and. he acted the way I did in high school, I'D BE LIKE, "GOD! >> [laughter]. >> [ __ ] SHUT UP, YOU KNOW?". >> WE NEED TO GET him some [ __ ]. >> Yeah, God, get this kid laid so he'll. shut the [ __ ] up. >> He's 16. >> I was getting [ __ ] and [laughter]. um. hey. >> I just didn't want it.

>> It was light work, yeah. It was giving me the heebie-jeebies, but. [laughter] I was in there. >> Yep. Yep. Yep. >> But I was in there and um. my friend was like, "I think you're I. don't think you're very I don't I liked. who you were in high school. I don't. think you're being very nice to that. person." And I'm like, "Uh I don't know. I think I was a nerd. and you just were too.". >> [laughter]. >> Yeah. >> I think we both need to be more honest. with ourselves. >> Yeah. Cool cool came like in my 20s. I. got cool. >> I feel that. >> I think the shift though was I don't. know if either of us have if if any of. us have talked about this. The shift for. me on coolness was that I think I was. always when I was younger I was always.

waiting trying to find the thing that. would bring coolness to me. Like what. interest or what clothes or what group. of friends would make me cool. And the. shift in my 20s. uh my early 20s that made me actually. feel cool was going nothing brings me. coolness. I bring coolness to everything. else. >> Serious. >> What I like, people I hang out with, what I wear, what I listen to, it's cool. because I'm there. I'm not cool because. it's here. >> Yeah, like the confidence is what speaks. louder than anything. So like you could. like or love or hate anything and you. could still make friends who like or. love the same things. But it's just like. you being confident in who you are.

>> If you don't like it, [ __ ] you. What I. like is cool. And so you're not cool if. you don't like it. And that shift was. like really it was yeah, not just. looking for someone to be like I wanted. people to tell me I was cool. >> Yeah. >> And then when you when you just go, "Oh, I don't care about that.". >> As soon as you stop caring, it's like it. just flocks to you almost. Like friends. and community and all of that. >> it's also like what does cool mean? Like. I would much rather have a genuine time. where I'm peeing my pants with people. that like aren't cool. I mean, It doesn't cuz you guys make me laugh so. hard, but you guys are not.

>> You're not cool. You're [ __ ] weirdo. losers. >> Yeah. At least we smell good [laughter]. though. >> At least he smells good. >> God, [laughter] no. >> God, I hate it. [ __ ] He smells just. like you now. I can't look at him. anymore. [laughter]. When I got to college I found like my. like bestie besties. Like my like the. people I'm still friends with to this. day. And I I was just telling Billy this the. other day. I'm like, I realized to. especially in writing my book, I.

realized that like. >> When I Such a sly thing to say. [laughter]. >> Period. >> And when I was publishing my book I was. like writing my very first book that it. will be published and is published now. >> You just threw that away like a Truman. Capote interview. >> [laughter]. >> I love That's my favorite thing about. old Truman Capote interview. He'd be. like, >> I was at dinner with Diana. Oh, I think it WAS MARILYN MONROE. >> [laughter]. >> HE JUST [ __ ] TOSSES IT AWAY LIKE IT'S. NOTHING. >> WHEN I WAS writing Yeah, when I was. writing my first book. >> [laughter]. >> I love it. >> It's so good. >> I love it. >> As I was like writing like unpacking a.

lot of stuff I did in college, I was. like I realized that my best friends at. the time all women, right? I had a. couple guy friends that I was really. close to, too, but like. I had never met a group of women before. outside of my own family, like my mom. and sister, that were so confident in. who they were in all aspects, like being. smart, being funny, being like like I. don't know, like confident about what. they looked like and also who they were. as people, but also women who were so. confident in their sexual autonomy. Like. I'd never had friends like that before,

like women who were so like, "Yeah, I. [ __ ] him and it sucked. Uh, don't do. that." It was so casual to them that I. was like, "Okay, period." Cuz I'd never. hung out with women who were so casual. about stuff like that. It was always so. like, "Oh, like dating, like sex" You. know when you're in high school, it's. like the way it's perceived is so. different. >> lens as well, where it's just like it's. so much more serious than, you know. >> they were so casual about everything and. like So a couple of my friends were. raised religious and weren't at all. And. one of my friends like to this day like. she The first time I met her like we. were talking about dating or whatever.

and she was like, "Oh, I was a big [ __ ]. in high school. I [ __ ] everybody." And I was like, "Oh, did you?" She's like, "Yeah, men, women, everyone.". >> IS YOUR FRIEND [laughter] BEATRICE? SLATER? >> SHE'S MY FRIEND NOW. >> [laughter]. >> NO, but she's like, "Yeah, everyone.". Uh, but yeah. She was just so like, "Whatever." about it. >> Period. >> Period, [ __ ] That's my [ __ ] girl. >> I love that. >> my friend to this day. >> Aw, I love that. >> when they we become like real adults and. then they're like, "I don't like. remember saying that." I was like, "I. do.".

>> I remember. >> I remember you saying that. >> verbatim. >> [laughter]. >> Changed me as a woman. >> I remember. Everything. I'm here. I'm in it. >> Dating in college was a mess. >> You have the memory of an elephant. >> I do. >> It scares me. >> Well, we would go out and get [ __ ] up. Like I was the only one that would. remember every single thing. >> You're seeing it like a matrix. >> Yeah, the next morning I'm downloading. all the information. The next morning. they'd be like, "Well, everyone like. let's get together. Like everyone. Someone wake you up so we can remember. what happened." Cuz a lot of my friends. would black out. I never blacked out. I. think I blacked out once. One time. And it was the very last time,

like one of the last times I drank. tequila cuz I like couldn't do it. >> I couldn't do it. The way I used to. drink in high school, can't do it now. >> I did not drink in high school. >> Or not high school, sorry, college. >> College. >> College. I couldn't do it. >> Every time I'm like I'll tell Drew a. story and then I'll I'll like cuz it's. it'll be fresh in my mind and I'll say. it and then it'll be like a month ago by. and she's like, "Remember when you said. this?" AND I'M LIKE, LIKE. >> [laughter]. >> BUT. I DO. AND THEN I'LL I'LL PARAPHRASE IT. SHE'S LIKE, "NO, YOU SAID THIS." And I'm. like, "I don't PROBABLY THAT'S WHAT. HAPPENED.". >> [laughter]. >> IT'S CRAZY. >> I REMEMBERED EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED.

when we met Beyoncé. >> Aw, you're Thank god for you. I black. out a lot. It sucks. >> It really does suck. Because of liquor. and not liquor. >> And not liquor and just adrenaline, I. guess. The testosterone pumping through. my [ __ ] body. >> [laughter]. >> You know what I mean? >> Did you have a fun time partying in. college, Caleb? >> No, I did deed. >> Did you really? >> Yeah, I was a DD for my fraternity. >> Loser. >> You were in a fraternity? >> Yeah, all four years. >> What? Really? >> Yeah, you know. >> That's shocking to me. >> I I thought I was going to go to law. school. My whole plan going into college. was to go to law school. >> I had that sort of mental breakdown as.

well. >> Yeah, yeah, oh yeah. And it was a long. one. I went That was all of high school. and first year or two of college. I was. like, "What is law school?". >> We didn't have it. >> [ __ ] Did you do a model UN? >> We didn't have it. Maybe Maybe I didn't go to a good. school. >> [laughter]. >> You were working THE FIELD, [ __ ]. >> IN I WAS IN FFA. THEY HAD ME JUDGING CATTLE, [ __ ]. >> [laughter]. >> YOU WERE NOT ARGUING THE DEFENSE. >> YEAH, HONEY, we didn't have speech and. debate. >> [laughter]. >> I had TO GO PICK UP a goat and learn how. to tie its feet together. Tie feet. >> You were shearing sheep.

>> Yeah, shearing [laughter] literally and. literally I was picking up dirt and. going good for corn. Crazy. >> [screaming]. >> Crazy. >> [laughter]. >> And I went and did that for like a year. and then like get your gay ass out of. here. >> I was like harvest will be good this. year. >> Shut the [ __ ] up. >> Shut your [ __ ] ass. >> Yeah. I No, I didn't. >> [laughter]. >> No, I was not a big a big partier in. college. >> No. How was dating in college for both. of you? >> I didn't date in college. No one wanted. me. I [ __ ] I was [ __ ] in college. No. one wanted to date me. >> [laughter]. >> I remember texting one of my hookups who. I was so in love with and I was like,

"Do you want to get breakfast in the. morning?" And he was like, "Busy.". >> Oh. >> Uh need it medically. >> And it. >> [laughter]. >> And it always made it worse. I was like. he's rejecting me, I think he's the one. >> Yeah. >> I just need to try a little harder. >> [laughter]. >> Oh, I was I was [ __ ] a lot of guys in. college who if they were saw with me if. they were seen with me in daylight we. would both evaporate. It was like I was. I was having a lot of hookups where it. was like, you know, I'd see him on. campus and be like, "Oh, what's up?" And. he'd be like. You know. >> He [laughter] He He lost. >> That guy's talking to you, by the way.

>> I think he's. >> He You smell like that fat gay guy. >> [laughter]. >> You smell LIKE EACH OTHER. >> IT'S COOPER. >> COOP? GOOD TO SEE YOU, BROTHER. >> HEY, BABY. >> [laughter]. >> One time I was I was kind of dating this. guy and I he told me to meet him at the. club, romantic. And [laughter] so I go. and [snorts] you know you're doing that. that broke [ __ ] [ __ ] where you're like, "I'm so thirsty. God, I wish I had a drink. God, so thirsty. It's so hot in here.". >> Uh-huh. >> And then normally it works, but then. when he's like, "I'm not buying drinks.

here, they're too [ __ ] expensive.". >> Right. >> And then I was like, [laughter]. "Okay, brokey." Even though I had no. money. Then I like go up and I buy myself the. one drink I can afford. >> Ice in a cup. [laughter]. >> Yeah, I was like do you just put. maraschino cherries in a cup. Yeah. Soda water. So I got one drink and then I I turned. around and I'm going back to my friends. and he goes, "Hey, do you want to hook. me up?" And I was like, "With what?" And. he brought his own red solo cup into the. club. He had it He had it crushed in the. waistband of his pants, took it out,

punched it out like that, and then. I'm not kidding. And men wonder why they. don't deserve rights. They wonder why I [ __ ] hate them. >> GOING SPLITSVILLE [laughter]. >> ON ONE VODKA CRAN? >> I hate when you tell that story about. Billy because he has turned out. [laughter]. He's turned out to be such a great guy. >> And that's what I get for saying no to. him at prom. >> Yeah. >> I have never seen broker [ __ ] in my. [ __ ] life. I was like, "Are you being. dead ass? Like you want me to You want. me to split my drink in that dirty solo. cup you just. >> smoke you out with THIS VODKA SODA?

[laughter]. >> FOR REAL, [ __ ]. >> HE'S GOT GOOCH. >> IT HAD inch in it cuz it was in the. [ __ ] waistline [laughter] of his. pants. There's like a little crack in. the side of it cuz he folded it up to. put it in. >> He's holding it with a finger RIGHT ON. THE CRACK. >> HE'S GOT TO PLUG IT. >> [laughter]. >> PLUG THE HOLE. >> GOT THE THUMB running up the side. holding the crack. I was just thinking. last night I went on a date last night. and I was I had such a good time and I. was thinking, "Why didn't I date more in. my early 20s?" Cuz I was in Chicago, I. was like I mean and I was like, "Oh, you. were [ __ ] broke, bitch." I had no. money at all. >> I it's expensive. >> I was overdrafting my bank account on.

like ramen noodles. It's like you didn't. go on dates because you were broke, honey. >> Yeah. Like after college? Oof. >> That's That's real. >> college I was [ __ ] broke. Like even. when I had jobs I still felt like I was. broke cuz I was like barely making rent. and all that. >> I had a coming I had a coming to God. moment after uh college where I was more. broke than I'd ever been because in. college, honey, I was maxing those. loans. >> [laughter]. >> I was I was loan maxing. I was Whatever they would give me. >> TAPS I'M MAXING. >> I'M TAPS [laughter] I'm maxing. I WAS I. WAS LITERALLY I WOULD SAY, "THROW AN. extra 5,000 on there. THIS IS THE MAX.".

I'LL BE I'LL BE WANTING TO GO OUT TO. EAT. >> [laughter]. >> WHEN THOSE WHEN THOSE. >> DORY, I'M GOOD FOR IT. I'M GOOD FOR IT. >> OH, BABY. And I'm not having to pay it. back. >> to this day. I'M REFUSING. I'M REFUSING. >> DEFAULT. >> I KNOW THEY'RE GOING TO GET PAID off the. week after I pay them off. >> 100%. Me holding out. >> I'm holding out. [laughter] Joseph. Robinette Biden, I know you watch, [ __ ]. Forgive them. >> Joey B. >> Joey B. >> Joey B. >> [laughter]. >> Hook me up. >> Uh yeah, I can't. But I I was so broke. and then yeah, after college I was more. broke than then because there were no. more student loans coming in.

>> [ __ ] same. >> But you know what I do miss about. college bars because it felt expensive. but going Oh my god, if I we could go. back. >> Yeah. >> Like a vodka cranberry $4. >> Girl. >> I know. Literally, I'm like and close it. and CLOSE IT AND CLOSE IT. CLOSE the. tap. Close it. Thank you. >> water fountain around HERE OR SOMETHING? >> [laughter]. >> I'LL JUST DRINK FROM THE [ __ ] FAUCET. IN THE BATHROOM. >> how you get [ __ ] up before you go. >> Yep. >> Get one drink, sip and nurse the whole. night. >> Everclear, Gatorade. >> [laughter]. >> Dude, the very first drink I ever got.

[ __ ] up off was gin but we didn't know. what to mix it with so we tried to mix. it with orange juice. Hey, don't. >> That's horrible. >> And I Why gin? I'm like a 90 I'm in Mad. Men? Like why am I drinking. >> [laughter]. >> You got those. spherical ice cubes? Just one of the. [ __ ] things. >> It's 2:00 p.m. on a Monday. Okay. That's why I gin was the first time I. ever got [ __ ] up. >> We had a bar in College Station called. Tipsy Turtle and we used to do pickle. shots and you could do a normal pickle.

shot or a spicy one where they would do. pickle juice, vodka and then a shot of Tabasco in it. I WOULD SUCK THEM [ __ ]. >> [laughter]. >> DOWN LIKE IT WAS WATER. I MEAN LIKE SIX, SEVEN, eight pickle shots. Yes. And then. there was this other bar that would do. and again, this is like so not what a. college student should be doing. Like. drink the [ __ ] handle of vodka and go. out and dance. >> Yeah, literally. >> It was it called a breakfast shot. Get. into this. You start with that's going. to be a. orange juice shot. Okay, it's like vodka.

and orange juice mimosa. >> Yeah. >> And then you move on to a butterscotch. pancake shot, which is just I don't know. it was like. >> This is at night? >> This is at night. [laughter] It's like a. maple flavored liquor, you take a shot. of that, and then they give you a PIECE. OF BACON. >> YOU KNOW WHAT? >> AND THEY THROW IT INTO YOUR MOUTH. >> YEAH, [laughter] but they make you. >> Yeah, pour it. >> I might need to get down TO TEXAS. >> I'M TELLING YOU, [ __ ] BREAKFAST SHOT, AND THAT [ __ ] was like $8. >> Dude, there was so our big move in high. school was the and I wasn't a huge. drinker in high school, but I was. definitely trying to like fit in. I we. would do we would go get like uh ocean.

waters from Sonic. >> Yep, yep, yep. >> And then we would pour half into an. empty cup, and then we would pour in a. bunch of UV blue vodka, or like Malibu. >> Yeah. >> Oh, >> Malibu's real. >> Yeah. >> It was Chernobyl in those [ __ ] cups. >> Yep, yep, >> [laughter]. >> yep. >> So, one. >> It's glowing. >> Like my junior or senior year of high. school, I will try to tell this story. short cuz it's a little long. My junior. year of high school, it could have been. senior year. My friend Abby's is a very. good friend of mine to this day. Her dad. moved he lived like 20 miles outside of. our town, and he moved to a new house, so his house was empty for a while. It. was a big huge like three-story house in. the country. And we we knew a bunch of.

kids from the other towns around where I. would grow up in very rural Missouri, and she was like, "I'm going to throw a. party.". >> Okay. >> Okay. So, she threw we invited like all. the kids from the other towns, and. everyone converged on this house, and we. threw this. >> Me PICTURING LIKE FOOTLOOSE. >> WE WE CAN DANCE HERE, PA. >> [laughter]. >> WE'RE DRESSED LIKE IT'S FROM THE '50S. >> YOU'RE KEVIN BACON. >> YO, last night was A [ __ ] SOCK HOP. >> [laughter]. >> SO, WE THREW this big party, and it was.

a huge a smash hit. The next day. everyone's texting, "When's the next. one?" right? Now, Project X had come out. around this time. So, we're like, "Okay." So, we throw another one the. next weekend. Even bigger, smash hit. Everyone's having fun, hooking up. Not. me. EVERYONE'S HAVING. >> [laughter]. >> NOT ME, I CAN'T STRESS THAT ENOUGH ON. ME. >> FUN, HOOKING UP. I'm in the closet, so. I'm doing bits on the on the corner. Literally at one POINT I. >> MY PAJAMA PANTS UP AGAIN. >> TRULY. [laughter]. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE MAKING out with. hot guys, and at one point I set up a. fortune-telling booth. >> [laughter]. >> AND I WAS LIKE, COME OVER IF Y'ALL WANT. YOUR FORTUNES READ.

>> YOU TOM HANKS IN BIG? >> Why are you doing. fortunes? >> Truly like so pathetic. >> palms just to touch a man. >> I was like, I was like, give it to me, you know. >> [laughter]. >> Give me a hand. >> Rock art under the table. >> I'm like walking around asking if people. need refills. I'm like, who is that. [laughter] guy? I I said, which I still DO AT PARTIES. >> DID NOT DID NOT TELL ALL of you the. other night. >> You do. >> At my at party. >> No. >> Um. >> I host till you die. >> I host till I die. And so, we had the. second one and then we we we did a big. mistake and we went for a third on the. third weekend. >> Damn. >> Shoulda quit while you were ahead.

>> We shoulda quit while we were ahead, honey, and we sure did not. And it was. bigger than ever. And I'm talking like. we said get there at 9:00. We showed up. at 8:45. There were already other cars. there. So, we're like, this is bad. It. was the biggest one we'd thrown and we. everybody's getting super drunk. I was. getting super drunk that night cuz there. was one guy in my high school that I was. convinced was closeted. And I was like, I'm tonight I'm bagging him. And I. eventually, well, anyway. >> Oh. >> Just to say, eventually. >> I'm always right. >> I let's just say I was right. And. >> [laughter]. >> but it wasn't that night. And so, that. night I got super drunk on UV Blue and. everyone's hooking up. >> [ __ ] acid.

>> Acid. Truly Truly, yeah, battery acid. >> [laughter]. >> For real. >> Everyone's so [ __ ] up and we see. sirens and the cops have been called. So, now the cops are pulling up and. uh everyone hides and we turn off all. the lights and we're and we're like, they can't come in without a warrant. No. one knows what they're talking about. And so, >> [laughter]. >> IT'S FULLY WE ARE TRESPASSING. >> RELAX. AND I'LL GET YOU A MANSION. >> SO, we all hide and they don't come in. And then, [laughter] I'm hiding under a. pool table. So, I'm under the pool table. and they're shining flashlights in the. windows and they're looking around and. they can't see no one. Everyone's like. up against the walls like this and they. shine it under the pool table and it's. just me.

>> [laughter]. >> And he goes, "You." And I go and I I. >> I see your big ass, by the way. >> there's not a pool table big enough in. THE WORLD, HONEY. >> [laughter]. >> AND I WHISPER, I'M LIKE, "IS HE TALKING TO ME?" And he goes, "Under the pool table, OUT NOW.". >> [laughter]. >> SO, I I [ __ ] GUYS, THEY GOT ME. SO, I. GO OUT I GO, "Don't worry, I'm going to. go handle it.". >> [ __ ] him. >> [laughter]. >> I go out there and it's the cops. My. grandpa is a deputy sheriff and so I'm. nervous that he's going to be out there. He is not out there and this is it we're. in his county. I go out there and it's. this guy this guy he's being so intense.

got a flashlight in my face like what. the [ __ ] going on? I tell him and he. goes here's the deal. I'm feeling. generous tonight. Go down there and get. everyone who's sober who's driving, put. all the drunk people in the car, sober. drive them home and never do this again. I'm not going to give any MIPs. And I was like thank you so much but we. we I found out when So I went to gather. all the sober people to make driving. happen but during the time that they had. busted me from under the pool table, we. had a foreign exchange student from. Mexico named Carolina and we for some. reason were convinced that she would get. deported and so.

>> [laughter]. >> if she got caught at this party. I don't. know why we were like she'll get. deported. >> SHE'S LIKE I'M LITERALLY SHE'S LIKE I'M. A FOREIGN EXCHANGE student like I'm in. [laughter] the program. >> She's yeah she's not a US citizen. She's. not trying to be. She So we hid her in a. broom closet and she was in the broom. closet well no one remembered about her. So we So like 30 40 [laughter] cuz I. think one person thought they were going. to grab Carolina before they thought. they were. And then we we Dude we were. so paranoid cuz we thought we got away. with murder you know? And we're like 30 minutes later we're on. the road home on the highway home and. Carolina calls us and she's like.

I'm scared. I'm scared. Who's coming to. get me? And she's She's in the house. alone. So we like circle back. Carolina. God bless you girl. If you're out there. I wish you the best. >> I'm sending [laughter]. love. >> like we're like nervous that the cops. are still watching the house. So we like. turn off our our headlights and like. creep down a a gravel road. >> This is the same night. This is that. night. It's like 30 45 minutes later. She's been in the broom closet alone. >> [laughter]. >> So my car we pull up we're pulling down. with the lights off down this gravel. road and we call her and we go run. outside now and get in the trunk. >> [laughter]. >> WE'RE STILL CONVINCED she can get. deported. So if we get pulled over we're.

like a gravel road away and [laughter]. there's this huge yard between the house. and us and we just see in the darkness. Carolina just. sprinting towards the car. Someone gets. out opens the trunk she hops in and we. drive her back that we drive her back in. the trunk. >> Safe from deportation. >> out of there. >> Safe from a threat that didn't uh wasn't. going to happen. >> What's. >> [laughter]. >> up, buddy? [ __ ] Border Patrol. >> No, for real. >> And that being said, we said not today, [ __ ]. >> [ __ ] ICE, [ __ ]. >> Yeah. You know what's funny? And when I. was in college, there was a a bar right. off campus called Tropics, and it was. known for underage drinking. Like you.

could get in pretty easy. So like before. I had a fake, you I would go in early. That way when it started popping off, like I they wouldn't check me again. But. then when they started doing sweeping. for that [ __ ] my friends would go and. they would like get the stamp, and they. would she would come right back to me. and then press it to my hand. And so the. women in STEM. And so one time she pressed it to me and. I walk in and he goes, "Why is it on. that hand?" Cuz everybody's was on their. left. And I was like, "I don't know. Ask. your guy why he stamped my right hand.". He goes, "What guy?" I go, "He's. somewhere in there. Do you mind if I go.

in there? My purse is in there, all my. stuff." He's like, "I'm going to go look. for the guy who allegedly stamped your. hand." I'm like, "Okay, yeah, sounds. good." He turns around, I just walked. in. >> Period. >> See you. >> [laughter]. >> Me thinking he can't see me. I'm the. biggest [ __ ] in there. I'm like. >> You're ahead of everyone. >> No, I'm in THE GIRAFFE, [ __ ]. >> [laughter]. >> BEHIND EVERYONE. BUT THERE WAS THIS TIME. we left and one of my girlfriends and I. get [ __ ] up. It was just the two of us. like, "Woo!" Like drinking all night, [ __ ]. drinks all night. Absolutely trashed. This is not a good thing, but she she. said, "I can drive home." And I said, "Can you?" And I lived I didn't live too.

far. And she was like, "No, I'm good. I'm good." And she looked good, and I. thought she was good. So I was like, "Okay." So I got in the car with her, and we're giving two guys a ride home, too. And so she she's driving, and this is. not a good thing, but like drunk. driving's pretty common in Hawaii. I. don't know why, but like it's probably. cuz everything's so close. Not a good. Not an excuse. I didn't do it. Anyways, we're driving away. >> [ __ ] you. Go. Don't do it, but we did. it. We had a laugh. >> [laughter]. >> Say do as I say, not as I do. And so she. starts pulling out, immediately pulled. over. Like immediately pulled over. And. she's a local girl. Like she's born and.

raised in Hawaii. Like and HPD, like. they're really nice. Like they're super. nice to local people. So she pulls they. pull us over. The two guys in the back. are athletes, so they're like, "Oh my. god. Oh my god. Oh my god." And I was. like, "Are you guys [ __ ] 21? And. they're like, yeah. I'm like, you're. fine. Relax. Cuz we were all 21 at that. point. And so I'm sitting in the. passenger seat, but I'm immediately. sober cuz I'm like, uh-oh. And then. she's like, he goes, "Oh, have you been. drinking?" She's like, "I only had a. couple." And I was like, a couple hundred, but okay. >> Girl, you were drinking like a fish. >> I was like, you drank more than I did. Yeah, she's like, "No, I only had a. couple." And he's like, "Okay." He takes.

her out. And then he takes her back there, and. then he starts giving her the test, like. the walking in a line, like all that. [ __ ] I wasn't watching, but I'm. assuming she failed miserably cuz then. he breathalyzed her, right? And then she. was like over the limit. But I didn't. know what was going on. I'm just sitting. there, and it looks like they're kind of. like laughing and key-keying. >> I was on Instagram. I was like. >> Yeah, I was like [laughter] I was again. drunk, so I was just like staring out. the window. And then she comes back, and she goes, and I go, "Oh, how's it going?" Cuz she. looks happy and like fine. She goes,

"Okay, so I'm getting arrested. What I. need you to do, take my car, drive it to. your house so it doesn't get impounded, and then I'll get it from you tomorrow.". I said, "Girl, you out of your [ __ ]. mind? I'm not DOING THAT SHIT.". >> [screaming]. >> SHE GOES, "I need your ticket so it. doesn't get towed. Okay, love you." She. goes, he puts the CUFFS ON HER. THAT'S. HER IN THE [ __ ] CAR. I was like, "Oh. my god." Like I was like I was freaking. I was like, "Okay, I got to call an Uber. or something." Like I get out of the. car. And so the police officer comes, and he's like, "Um, have you been. drinking?" I go, "Yeah, I have been. I. have been. I've been drinking, yeah.". And then he was like, "Okay, well, I.

don't want to tow the car, so like, um, you know, if you want, like you can. drive it." I said, "What is this, a. test? So I get behind the wheel, and. then you pull me over? Nice try, buddy.". Me still [ __ ] up. Nice try. You're not. going to [ __ ] get me. >> [laughter]. >> And I'm literally like, "Oh, no, no, no. Like I'm not doing that." And he was. like, "It's not a test." Like he's like, "If you want, I can breathalyze you. And if you're over it, then just call a. a cab and go home." And I was like,

"Okay." So I got out. Why? I don't know. I got out, walk over there. Mind you, I'm like tits pushed up to my chest. Like I'm literally in this like shortest. shorts ever. >> over fit. >> Yeah, I'm like, "Officer, nice to meet you." And then he. breathalyzes me. Girl, I was 0.01. I. said, "I hold alcohol LIKE A TANK.". >> [laughter]. >> AND THEN I DROVE HOME, DROVE DROVE. THROUGH THE drive-thru of Taco Bell, picked up some food, went home. >> You and the homies in the back. >> then I called my mom when I got home. I. said, "You'll never guess what happened. to me tonight." And then my mom was.

like, "Yeah, those are your grandpa's. genes." Like, my my grandpa. Cuz he can. hold liquor like a champ. >> Did you feel drunk though? >> I thought I did. I mean, I think the. adrenaline probably sobered me up more. than anything, but I was like, he's. like, "Oh, you're like not even drunk at. all." And I was like, "You're god damn. [ __ ] RIGHT I'M NOT.". >> [laughter]. >> HE SAID, HE SAID, "HEY, THANKS, PLAYER.". >> [screaming]. >> HEY, DAP ME UP. >> [laughter]. >> FREE THE HOMIES. FREE MY GIRL. >> I SAID, "COOL, NOW WHAT CAN I DO to get. my girl out of the back seat?". >> [laughter].

>> By the way, SHE SHOULD BE PRESIDENT. I. LOVE HER. SHE'S LIKE SHE'S LIKE, "BESTIE, I'M. getting arrested, okay?". >> [laughter]. >> She's like, "Okay, so I'm getting. arrested, but here's what I need you to. do, okay? Lock in with me. Need you to. take my car so it doesn't get towed.". And I was like, "What the [ __ ] you. >> [laughter]. >> doing?". >> Can you hand me my lip gloss? I was like, "I'm still being chill. They. are arresting me, but they're like. [laughter]. being very cool about it.". >> They're really cool. They're really. cool. >> Yeah, she came to my house the next. morning. She was on my doorstep next. morning. She was like, "Yo, crazy. night." Yeah, one would say yeah. >> She's like, "Yo, last night was a. misdemeanor.". >> [laughter].

>> Last night was a warning. >> Last night was a class A FELONY. >> [laughter]. >> LAST NIGHT WAS AN MIP. >> WELL, [gasps]. ANYWAYS, we've talked about literally. everything except the topic, which is. great. Love that for us. >> [laughter]. >> WHAT'S THE TOPIC? I DIDN'T EVEN GET THERE. I DIDN'T EVEN [ __ ] GET THERE. >> WE DIDN'T NEED IT. LITERALLY, when I. texted you yesterday, I was like, "What's the topic, girl?" Just kidding. Never mind, we don't need one. >> We don't need one. >> [laughter]. >> Okay, forget it. >> Don't need one. >> Hey, forget about it.

>> That that Cooper story is going to stay. with me forever. >> That's the same way I feel about you, Lola. >> God bless him. That's fam all right. there. >> That's fam. That's [laughter] gang. That's gang for real. That's mother. Cooper is mother. >> two pills in front of Cooper. One's mother, ONE'S [laughter] [ __ ]. >> SO CHOOSE ONE. HE POPPED BOTH. HE POPPED BOTH. HE'S OFF the perks. >> [laughter]. >> There are two pills in front OF YOU. ONE'S MOTHER, ONE'S [ __ ] COOPER,

[laughter] DO YOU FEEL THE RUSH? >> I'M LIKE, ALEXA, play Rush by Choice of. One. >> [laughter]. >> What What are you wearing? That's. poppers, babe. >> [ __ ] Well, thank you to comedy geniuses. for coming on the pod again. >> I love y'all to god damn death, and I'm. serious. >> I love you all so much. I could not be. more grateful for your friendship. >> [ __ ] same. The feeling is so mutual. >> [laughter]. >> Let's never work together again.

>> This was tough. We shouldn't, yeah. I. feel bad for everyone in the room. It's. upsetting. They didn't turn the air on. for us. We were sweating. >> You can't put three big girls in a room. AND NOT [laughter] HAVE THE [ __ ] AIR. ON? >> 10 MORE MINUTES WITHOUT THAT MINI split. running, and it would have smelled LIKE. BADUSSY AND. >> [laughter]. >> YOU WOULDN'T HAVE NEEDED COOPS COLOGNE, for sure. Not even that could have covered the. stench. >> Lucky you wouldn't touch what I got. brewing. >> [laughter]. >> Butt [ __ ]. >> Booty, dick, and [ __ ]. >> Y'all aren't up? >> Butt [ __ ]. >> Y'all aren't up? >> Well, that's, you know, my prom date.

knows all about that. He's He's. metaphorical dildos up his badussy. [laughter]. He's all up in his own badussy. >> he's giving some mousy girl hell in the. bedroom. >> [laughter]. >> I know they I know they waited until. marriage, and she didn't realize what. she SIGNED UP FOR. >> [screaming]. >> I KNOW THAT. PLEASE, PLEASE PICK ME. PLEASE. >> I KNOW SOME [ __ ] in a cardigan goes. through WAR EVERY NIGHT. [laughter]. I'M SORRY TO SAY. IF THE TEMPLE'S ROCKING, DON'T COME a. knocking. >> Cardi Cardigan and some Tevas. >> I know. >> [laughter]. >> I know he rips those capris off her.

>> Hair down to her knees. >> Here [laughter] he is. >> And that Stanley IS CLINKING AROUND. >> BUT THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH for coming on. the show. I love y'all. >> Oh, love you all forever. >> How are you guys? >> The best people in the world. >> Let's never do this again. >> [laughter]. >> Let's make a pact. In 10 years, we'll. all meet up right back here. >> Why is everybody laughing? >> [laughter]. >> I'm going to I'm going to shoot you dead. when we finish, so you're not going to. make it for 10 years. [laughter]. >> The one where they go ON BRAT TV.

>> WAIT, THIS IS LOW-KEY OUR CENTRAL PERK. >> [screaming]. [laughter]. >> WHERE IS MARCEL THE MONKEY? >> DIBS ON FAT MONICA. >> [laughter]. >> I'LL BE FAT JOEY WHEN HE HAS THAT one. scene where he's fat. >> Dibs on Fat Monica. I want to play that. beefy [ __ ]. >> I like TO THINK. >> BEEFY [ __ ]. >> [laughter]. >> I LIKE TO THINK I'M. UH MONICA OR like Rachel or Phoebe, but.

we I'm Gunther. >> Yo, [ __ ] I'M DAVID SCHWIMMER. [laughter]. NOT EVEN ROSS? >> I'M JUST YOUR DAVID SCHWIMMER. >> I'm David Schwimmer out of drag. >> Did you get [laughter] not my Ross drag? >> Did you guys see the super cut of all. the times he said juice during the age. OJ movie? >> [laughter]. >> He said he said he goes he goes, "Your. Uncle Juice is a good man. Juice, juice, juice." Cuz they called OJ the juice. >> Yeah, the juice. >> And there's a super cut of David. Schwimmer's character in that saying it. 15 million. >> [laughter]. >> It's so [ __ ] funny. He said, "Juice, juice, juice." It's. like literally everything.

>> You're David Schwimmer, but in. Madagascar. >> [laughter]. >> Melman, that's two Melman jokes you've. made. >> Obviously, comedy's my my job. My my. calling and purpose in life. >> You got Madagascar on the brain. >> Last night was a Pixar animated feature. >> That's true. That's a DreamWorks. feature, [ __ ]. >> MY WHOA, OKAY. >> [laughter]. >> [ __ ] I'M SORRY. >> I WAS VERY GRACIOUS to come in here. >> [laughter]. >> And be vulnerable with me. Somebody fly. in my gun. >> [laughter].

>> You're like somebody fly in the mother. gun. Thank you guys for coming on the pod. I. adore you. >> I love you all. >> LOVE YOU. >> I LOVE IT Y'ALL. >> Thank you all for joining us on this all. star episode. Where can everybody find. you? You can promote anything. >> I'm on tour but the shows are all sold. out. I don't know what to tell you. >> Sorry guys. >> [laughter]. >> I'm on Caleb says things on the. internet. You can find me on there and. listen to my new podcast so true. Episodes with both of these two. You. probably already seen it but check it. out. >> Yeah, please get those views up cuz the.

ad suitability is. >> All my all my literally all my ad. suitability on YouTube is like this just. them being like get a grip. >> I am Brittany Broski. I have a podcast. called the Broski Report. I have a show. called Royal Court that this. [ __ ] has been on. We have got to. get you on it my brother. >> Yeah, a lot of a lot of talk. [laughter]. >> Yeah, a lot of a lot of a lot of A LOT. OF TALK NOT A LOT OF EMAILS. >> YEAH, here are your FOLLOWERS. >> FOLLOWERS UP. >> [laughter]. >> WE'LL REVISIT. >> YEAH, WE'LL SEE. IF YOU GET THOSE. FOLLOWERS UP WE CAN have you on the. show. >> Let's do it next quarter. >> YEAH, NEXT QUARTER LET'S DO IT. [laughter] LET'S SEE 100K. LET'S SEE. 100K. >> COME ON.

>> LET'S SEE THAT PLAQUE. >> HANG IN THERE. >> [laughter]. >> OH MY GOD. >> YEAH, PLEASE FOLLOW THEM ON everything. you probably already [ __ ] do but. thank you all for joining us on this. episode. Thank you for watching my my. brother and sister in Christ. Look at. us. >> Seriously y'all. Get the thumbnail. [laughter]. >> Look at THE [ __ ] IPHONES. >> SHOOTING UP. >> THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR WATCHING this. episode. I love you all. Thank you to. Brittany and Caleb, the funniest people. on the internet and I'll see you next. week. Bye.

>> [music].