Zach Woods Wanted To Be A Jazz Musician Because Of A Video Game | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

you were quite Young when you started. doing improv weren't you yeah I was 16. um I wanted to be a jazz musician when I. was a kid yeah and and and friendship. over friendship begun there we do I just. checked you off for friendship over go. ahead what kind of what kind of. instrument I play trumpet and the way I. got hooked on Jazz like all great jazz. musicians was a CD ROM video game about. the history of jazz I thought say. heroin I my parents got me it was called. living Jazz what and it was that's how.

you got into jazz not hanging out in. Smoky clubs aye old like all the great. it was I switched from incarta to uh to. living Jazz and living Jazz was like had. sort of the format of a firstperson. shooter but you you were. totally you're totally passive but. you're wandering through the history of. jazz that's the way it works that's. fantastic yes so you're like I'm going. to go to storyville and watch Louis. Armstrong I'm going to go to Chicago to.

The Great Migration and wh there's. Lester Young wait a minute that's. incredible you ever get to shoot up the. place you never that would be amazing if. you play enough living Jazz you just get. to be a like a what do they call at one. point I wanted to transition to Grand. Theft Auto that's all like there's a lot. of jazz history but then at a certain. point you notice like I think I'm in a. strip. club that's so funny I just hit elephant. Gerald with a baseball.

people are really mad at me online oh. god um so so that's how I got into jazz. and then I wanted to be a jazz musician. but then I got braces and I couldn't. play anymore because I it messed up my. ambusher but my parents took me because. we I had to get braces and they took me. to Dr chops who was this come on was. that a jazz musician well he was a jazz. dentist and he was he winter Marcel is.

dentist and we went to visit him and. said you know is there anything that can. be done he said no but this toothpaste. is $30 and you should buy that and so we. did and then I went back home and the. guy who gave me braces I feel like I've. talked about this at some point but he. had a life-size mural of himself in a. lab coat uh putting braces on the. animals in the jungle um and then he. also had a portrait of himself dressed. as a dentist working on himself dressed.

Superman oh my God so this guy was a. fascinating character yeah I mean we got. to talk to him too we got to get him in. here uh I feel like anytime I allude to. someone you would prefer that they were. here and I would just say anyone anyone. but um but no but this is crazy to me. which is that so you got braces and they. can't make a special mouthpiece that. goes over your or they they were just. trying to discourage you from playing. the trumpet maybe that was it my parents. got tired of it but I would take pliers. and rip out the wire because I would get. so frustrated and I wanted to play then.

I just sort of gave up and I had all. this free time where I used to be. practicing trumpet and so my brother had. gone to college in New York and he'd. gone to an early assat at UCB the Opera. assistens Brigade and he told me about. it and I thought oh that sounds fun so I. would take the train up to New York from. Pennsylvania where I grew up and and and. I took classes and back then the Upright. Citizens Upright Citizens Brigade was in. this kind of dingy ex strip club where. they you remember this oh yeah.

definitely yeah they and they had. cleaned out he remembers he remembers. the strip club they cleaned out. definitely they cleaned out the strip. club and uh and yeah turned it into a. small blackbox theater that's right but. they would still sometimes find condoms. and stuff because I guess it was a house. of ill repute and then also I guess. there was like a mix of someone told me. that there was like I guess for some. reason the strip club was popular with. his seeds so sometimes like these cdic. guys would come in and like sit down. thinking a strip show was about to start. but then they'd just be stuck in like.

Bret gallman's oneman show or whatever. and like you just end up like watching. alt comedy for an hour and they couldn't. leave so just the idea of like these. like hentic dudes just watch it makes me. laugh anyway but I but yeah I I. performed I did some stuff with UCB back. in the day and I remember going down to. that theater and loving it they would. have they they would do a thing where. you just go out and do a monologue based. on something someone shouted out in the. audience and I remembered finding it. incredibly fun and therapeutic have you. ever had the experience of overshare.

have you ever done like a monologue or. an interview or something and then had. that kind of vulnerability hangover. thing where you're like oh I didn't want. to talk about that but I did I I mean I. talk so. much I I I probably have but I don't. know that I've ever come to you Matt and. said I mean take out that part where I. talked about my younger sister beating. me that was exactly the thing you asked. me to I was just embarrassed that my. younger sister could beat me so easily.

no no I don't throughout the course of. your life too it's not it wasn't an. isolated she was three and I was 15 and. she. totally just was hitting me through. walls and then following me into that. room and then punching me through. another wall uh yeah I don't I don't. think so I don't think so yeah do you. sometimes do you guys have that oh daily. really yeah I think so yeah Sona has. admitted to many crimes that she. committed I used to shoplift really yeah.

my parents were horrified can I ask you. about that because so I have so many. questions about that but was it the. thrill of shoplifting or was it like you. wanted the item was it you wanted to. shoplift or you wanted the thing thrill. like I I mean I the first thing I stole. was a 45 Cent sticker book from Sano and. I could have I could get that I could. have afforded it at that time but I just. was like I'm just gonna put it in my box. scrunchies and scrunchies and hair. things and I would steal things and I. would put them on my head like a hair.

band and I would walk in front of the uh. customer service reps and that was a. thrill but I never like stole a bunch of. stuff and ran out when I met Sona she. was running down Olympic Boulevard. holding a Samsung flat screen a very. large one and then I robbed you remember. yeah I beat you with it and I took. everything you had you smashed it over. my head ruining the flat screen and then. took robbed me of $8 which really was. stupid cuz the flat screen was worth so. much more but uh yeah I'm I'm one of.

those people. that in the way I was raised was. someone's always like God is always. watching so every now and then I would. you know put gum in my mouth and I would. be walking along and crinkle up the tiny. little Trident wrapper into a tiny. little ball and just sort of drop it on. the sidewalk and keep walking and then I. would stop and walk back and pick it up. and it's not that I'm the best person in. the world it's just that I thought that. I can't have that hanging over for me um.

and I had a therapist tell me once years. ago you have the largest conscience of. any which is probably a shock to you. guys but he said you have the largest. conscience of anyone I've ever talked to. um was it oh sorry no I was just saying. that those so those things the idea of. taking even you know stealing one. Alka-Seltzer from a from a drugstore not. because I'm better than you because I'm. superior to you okay an important.

clarification I mean it's a really. interesting thing. like I think um there was a store where. I grew up where if you stole they would. either call the police or they would. take a picture of you with the item that. you stole and then they would put that. picture up in the grocery store so it's. this sort of humiliation it's also feels. a little bit like Salem. Massachusetts. 1650 that kind. of uh this is the way we will shame.

people and then they will behave or. putting people in stocks you know it's a. it's a it's a public humiliation which. is something uh that maybe used to work. I don't know we should do more of it no. okay I thought you were saying that's. not the way to go no I think I think. people should be shamed you're big you. saw the crucible that that that play. about the yeah and you were like that's. aspirational I thought this I I thought. The Crucible by Arthur Miller was a. how-to I did I like okay I'm down with.

that shame on ye. shame remember when I tried to dunk you. in water to see if you were a witch yes. and all this hair product floated to the. surface oh come on well you use a lot. you use a lot I have curly hair dude I. know but various waxes and oils come on. know what do you mean it's frizzy if I. don't why do you have to bring that up I. don't know's no shame in it I think. someone told me I wonder if the shame. thing works as it's turn because someone. told me that again these are are like. unsighted probably stories but.

that shoplifting in 19th century London. was like a big like epidemic so they. made it a hanging offence to shoplift. and the place so that they have these. big public hangings and those public. hangings were where was where there was. the most and stff yeah because everyone. yeah it was a great place to and also I. think uh I mean that was back when you. could get shipped off to Australia for. you know taking a loaf of bread you were. starving yeah and then you're you know. boohoo Australia have you been to. Australia it's amazing there I wish I.

had been shipped off yeah instead we. went to America and went to central. Massachusetts Conan come back come back. hey buddy come back Conan it's our. country too man oh hey hey sorry man I. blacked out for a second I'm just saying. if they had sent me to Australia which. is where we should have been you would. have surfed no yeah I'd have like a. v-shaped torso right now I'd have like a. sixpack i' look like a Hemsworth if I. had gone I would yeah it was Australia I.

would have lips instead of. this taping gash for a mouth I'd have. eyes that were the right size instead of. these beady little rat. orbs they should have they should have. shipped me off to Australia but no we. had to go to. Sturbridge oh my God yeah I've never. heard the word Sturbridge with so much. Phantom I know Sturbridge shout out to. Sturbridge it's for a lovely place.