Zach Woods Feels Like A "Pick Me" | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

hi my name is Zach woods and I feel pick. me about being Conan O'Brien's friend. what yeah do you know what a pikme girl. is I don't know tell me I just learned. pikme girl is someone who is like sort. of. self-consciously uh quirky as a way of. differentiating themselves from the. masses so that people are like o she's. interesting were you familiar with this. term I wasn't but I know I know those. girls I know a lot of oh okay and so. you're the you're the in this scenario. you're the pickme girl yeah I'm the.

pickme girl I'm going to just I'm going. to feain a kind of casual nonchalance. while underneath I'm desperate for your. approval and the approval of everybody. here well why did you just lay out your. whole strategy ahead of time well I just. want to get it out of the way and then. I'll be Koy for the rest of the uh time. together fantastic uh you and I we've. got to talk about this right away uh. first of all I'm thoroughly enjoy you so. much that I was waiting for you to show. up downstairs which I never do with. guests but I like a I was like a happy.

puppy waiting for for Zack Woods to show. up you're hilarious very funny fellow. and I always love hanging out with you. and riffing with you so I was there to. guide your car into the parking spot yes. and I will say that you described. yourself as a happy puppy the first. image of your face I saw was peeking. kind of with a kind of. predatory glance from behind the stucco. yes and then I pulled up and you. immediately told me you had to cancel. because today was not a good day and. there would never be a good good day yes.

I did now listen you have to understand. that's my way of showing someone I love. them believe me you you should have. heard my proposal to. Liza what's the opposite of a pygmy. girlon I reject you man yeah um did you. did you have a big propose I don't know. if you're willing to talk about this. even but like when you proposed did you. have like a proposal proposal or were. you just like want to get hitched I was. sort of I had a ring in my pocket yeah. or ring in your P you know that kind of.

thing what or do you just have a. terrible phallic injury yeah is that a. ring in your pocket or do you have a. small circular metallic penis with a. little nodule that resembles a jewel. that was my proposal can it be. both and will you marry. me spend the rest of your life with this. small empty. [Music]. Chad but with a little Diamond nub on.

which I'm serious there's nothing wrong. with that I'm proud of my little ring. penis um no I did have a I I had a day I. was going to do it and I I had the ring. on me I didn't have an elaborate you. know some people do things like they. they tie it to the dog's collar and they. call the dog in the room or they bake it. into a. sule um one of my siblings had an. incredibly elaborate one that involved. meeting up with her his his fiance who's. lovely as now my my sister-in-law unlike.

the top of a you know Temple and Inc as. Aztec Temple when he wasn't even. supposed to be in country and being. there at the same time but I think he. got the wrong. Temple oh no but he eventually you know. found her and and they figured it out. but anyway I. did I didn't want it to be too elaborate. so I didn't do one of those that makes. sense I and and I think maybe this was a. mistake but I handed to the ring and I. said you win oh no oh no well just you.

know like you know big star uh top of. every woman's list of if only I could so. that was probably the wrong way to go. can I tell you something and that you. probably won't like. this because I know you're self-effacing. saying top of every woman's list I don't. think I've ever had a girlfriend who. didn't confess to having had a crush on. you oh no why why don't these things. never SE back to me dear I think you. know you you see what you look for and I. my guess is that the Sexual Energy.

that's flooding in your direction is. being blocked out by some sort of color. blindness but for and thick sweaters. yeah EXA I always buy sweaters that. absorb and repel any kind of sexuality. coming my way um well you know what's. funny we should talk about this because. you and I um we have some similarities. we are. both uh tall uh and I think men with. gangly uh who were gangly in our youth. would you say that you still quite quite.

gangly I've put on a few but uh you're. no I've gained weight but it doesn't the. ganglin is just a yeah it's just buried. ganglin but it's still gangly I mean I. somewh Bobby moan the actor once. described someone's body as looking like. a lowercase be where it's like all thin. and gangly up top but then a little. Ponch and I do feel like a lowercase b. body um but uh yeah I I'm gangly I feel. like I don't remember I was thinking. about I can't remember who said this but.

someone described someone as being like. a pray mantis where it's just not a pray. mantis a um a daddy long legs where. there's just this little disc of. cerebral energy and then legs yes that's. me that's how I feel too I uh I've. always said I have like I have legs that. just go on forever and then someone said. as I was leaving the shop oh we for we. didn't we need a torso on that thing and. someone said well we don't have a whole. torso let's just throw half of a tors so.

over there so they did and then they. said I wouldn't it be funny if there was. a giant papier-mâché head and they threw. that on top and I went out the door but. I've always been self-conscious I always. try and wear things that break up the. fact that my waist is uh sort of in the. middle of my chest wear cumber buns even. in like non-formal situations I do I. wear them I wear them at pool parties I. wear I wear a formal cumber bun I heard. this thing once I was um in an acting. class which is a shameful thing to admit. but I was and they did a scene from.

Frankenstein where the monster goes back. he's he's stuff up he's killed. people whatever he goes back to the. Doctor's lab and he. goes why did you make me uhhuh he goes. I'm so ugly I don't fit in why did you. make me and the doctor says I just. wanted to see if I could and the. monster's like you wanted to see if you. could and then he goes then you make me. another and you make her as ugly and. detest able as I am because I need.

someone to love and I need someone to. love me and I thought that's so. heartbreaking and beautiful and I told. my father that and he's like oh I think. that's sort of about that's a story. about kids like Frankenstein's made from. the pieces of a bunch of old dead people. which is essentially what a kid is you. know in a genetic way and and that sort. of question of like why why did you. bring me here right is hangs over every. parent and when you were talking about. being assembled with a papier-mâché head. and legs and no torso it made me think. of the Frankenstein story but you know.

but it's funny which by the way I just. read for the first time the original. Frankenstein um which is nothing like. the movies absolutely nothing like the. movies and really powerful but very very. different not what you'd think anyway. I'm just going to throw that out there. and I want to remember remind people you. should read reading is important um the. more you. know. um that was a little Starburst going by. I used to have a TV show where we could. make the starburst go by and I'm like. h.