The Sketch A Paramount Exec Vetoed On “The Jon Stewart Show” | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

I found the early years I'm very happy. I'm thrilled with everything but I found. uh 90s and and and 2000s to be a time of. constantly. worrying constantly fretting constantly. and um even after the early like it took. you a while to get that flow it took. forever but what I guess I'm saying. internally I really like this period you.

know mean in terms of just how I feel I. feel like security I well I I may maybe. it's and I sometimes I think you know I. say to my wife I think uh I've acquired. some kind of inner wisdom because I'm. much more at peace and she says um she. says no no actually testosterone levels. fall and what you're feeling is a loss. of testosterone which by the way is. quite apparent in other areas of our. life and uh it's an evolutionary trick. to get you to stop striving yeah.

but what what they do is genetically. they remove your ability you're a. neutered cat young man on the window. sill that's what I am licking where your. balls used to be know you're. done give it. up you're done sir no there's something. there there's a scar there's two little. scars where they used to be if I rub. them I get some satisfaction it's. fascinating to me because again like my.

observation of your track is so. different than how you experience feels. things I remember watching your show. like the first week I was like oh these. dudes they know what not only do they. know what they're doing but they're like. I remember the Clutch Cargo and the. other and like the absurdest comedy and. the guy I was like oh they've done like. right by God they've done it like I knew. that there would be you know uh as you. get used to Productions and you're going. to be sanding people don't realize that. production.

are uh functions of management prowess. that there's a sort of active management. that you have to postmortem like you're. a comedy show with the masturbating bear. like the bear masturbates and then. afterwards you're like so what did you. guys think like there's there's that. part at the end like how that when he. was batting at his diaper you you got no. you don't you it's got to be in a two. shot you need to see you know what's so. funny is my favorite part of of when. you're doing it for a while and then.

is yes there are the years where you're. taking it so seriously and everything is. life and it really does feel like the. bear it's one of the reasons I like I. watch the bear great comedy but but what. I watch the bear and I'm just fantastic. I um I watch it and I uh and I sometimes. I think this is too much tension and. I've experienced a lot of that in my. life and I just want to watch selling. the OC something that doesn't have that. I imagine what you like into two is a. creative Pursuit where there is a. certain.

maniacal desire for Brilliance or. Excellence or whatever the comedic. equivalent of a Michelin star is that. you hold yourself to that standard and. ultimately you end up in a freezer uh. telling your beloved you're going to die. alone and get the out like that's. you know and and and that's a painful. thing to watch because it is it is. analogous to that Pursuit I can remember. uh you know I I did a show that was more.

of a talk show on MTV and then we went. to Paramount and we knew probably a. month and I was supposed to be the. arceno replacement and you can imagine. people I've always thought of you as. Areno exactly so you can imagine that. people who had been you know sort of. trained on that audience I would pop up. and they'd. go uh no right we're gonna say no so we. knew I knew like a month into it this is. we're going to go down when it. happens I don't know and I had that same.

the bare mentality of but I'm doing a. silly show so there was one night and. booking was really hard because it was. syndication so we'd appear at 3:00 a.m. in Atlanta but 700 p.m. in Phoenix like. it was just all over the place and we. would be there till 1:00 in the morning. every night trying to squeeze every last. bit of the Willy Wonka parody that we. thought we were going to do but can we. really even afford the hat if he doesn't. have the hat is he really Willy Wonka. like that kind of and in our.

exhaustion and in our frenetic energy. and in our desire to save it and be. great uh one day we were all in my. office Stevie Higgins was in there he. was uh the headwriter and the door opens. and it's the booker and he looks in with. a look on his face. of that look that maybe doctors had two. weeks into the pandemic right and he. goes how lynon said.

know and we all went. what Barney Miller's not going to do the. show right and it was then that I. realized like oh I think I'm going to. jump off a building because I'm my. emotional well-being yes is now wrapped. up into whether an actor that nobody had. seen probably in a it was like Hershel. Bernardi he was the Headmaster on circus. of the stars in 1980 so he was still. quite relevant he was still quite. relevant but it was years.

later Hershel Bernardi wants to see a. script and he wants to approve it and. you're. like yep but it was the your whole. well-being right was tied up in these. unbelievably trivial moments that didn't. matter even five feet outside of that. door right but the other thing too is um. I used to live and die by what our. rating was and it would come out on a.

Thursday right and I would all day. Wednesday the tension would be rising. and then I would uh go home not sleep. Wednesday night and I would come in. Thursday and take the elevator up and. this is back when I was on you know. three-month contracts and they're. thinking we've got a replacement ready. for Conan we just he isn't quite ready. yet but we'll get rid of him soon and I. take the elevator up and I would come in. and I would walk to my producer's office.

like I was going to the gas chamber yeah. yeah you get these and what I remember. is if the number was a a two or above. two a. 2.0 it was great if it was a 1 n it was. bad and what I didn't realize by the way. a 2.0 now is like a hit sitcom on a. network at 8:00 this was at 12:35 at. night but you know what I found out you. know what I found out was this uh was.

that was the demo but what I remembered. was the demo if it was a 2.0 it was like. aluah we made it at 1.9 and then I found. out much later on that the sample size. because it's a neelon rating for that is. literally like there's six people if one. of them has a head cold and turns in. takes some nightquil and turns in early. yeah yeah you had a bat you disappointed. America that week and if. one person didn't have a head cold and.

uh and watched it and and all six people. watched it you were a hero and I always. instinctively knew that that I'm living. and dying by this infinitesimal and. that's called I think being young you're. just you know you're your late 20s 30s. you know and then into the 40s and and. then just just perspective it takes this. erosion of I've been uh disappointed and.

scared so much that I have none of that. juice left anymore right I I can tell. you I remember the moment that that. changed for me and it was was getting. this podcast this booking it was coming. in. here and reading this and realizing that. you don't consider us friends yet no we. ar but this is a future desire yeah. we'll see John I'll let you know about. to read this in the past you.

bastard I was we knew this thing. was dead y like you could just see it. and you could tell two weeks into it you. know I'm still thinking this is the John. Stewart show this is yes it was on MTV. they loved it right because it was beas. and Butthead it was written for seveny. olds so you know ity old seveny old. right we go to Paramount and people were. like I have no idea what the this. is like two weeks into it we do a bit I.

thought it would be funny if we have. David tell one of our writers at the. time dress up as Hitler and come out. like he's a guest on the show like hey. you know everybody wonder what happened. to Hitler oh I think you brought a clip. and it's him at nberg. going so I don't think anything of it I. think oh and we're laughing our balls. off because every idea you come up with. is 2 o'clock in the morning and you. think it's hilarious because you're. sleep Divine in the way that Stalin. would torture people like it's 2 in the. morning and so they're like what what if.

tell was Hitler and I'm like love it. let's have him come out holding a bagel. with a shmir going I don't know what I. was so afraid of these are delicious. boom I'm gonna kill he comes out ladies. and gentlemen our next guest it's not on. the docket it's not like you have it. like you know we had somebody from. Beverly Hills 90210 not the lead but. like somebody who was just sitting at. the Peach Pit like not even you know we. couldn't get so not wait so not not Joe. E Tata whatever it is sorry come.

how did you remember that name really a. person Joey was the actor who ran the. was the guy that ran the PE can I even. know that can I say something I can't. think of my son's name right now but I. know Joe. eata Joey Tata we love you man if he's. still alive I'll eat my hat I know that. that is amazing so we don't like it it's. you know we've got nothing this isn't. planned so first guest of the night we. do the monologue do the whole thing and. at that time it's all OJ you know it's.

all know okay ladies and gentlemen first. guest very surprising uh nobody's heard. from him for many many years we are just. so uh honored that he chose to do this. show first uh ladies and gentlemen Adolf. Hitler yeah a tell walks out in full. Nazi regalia and he's doing this and. he's got the mustache and he's holding a. bagel sure and what I didn't realize is. the crowd would rightfully Boo the. out of him it's Hitler yeah yeah the. whole thing.

devolves I see in the control room. there's an immediate. break the stage manager comes out and. goes uh they need to see you in the. control room I go to the control room. we're filming on 26th Street in New York. Paramount our syndicator they're. watching yeah from a. lot in Los Angeles sure the phone rings. it's just one guy and he goes that will. never see the light of day that will.

never air you will never do that again I. actually turned it into an episode when. I was writing for Sanders we turned it. into an episode Adolf ankler where I had. on the wuang clan and and uh Adolf Haner. and rip Tor had to come in and go that. no we're not we're not doing. anything they called me immediately I. was two weeks into a show and we're. already putting reruns on so we knew. this thing's going down but I had had. your experience of like this is my shot.

like this is it my name is on this this. is right this is a manifestation of who. I am as an artist as a person if it gets. rejected I am rejected I wasn't sleeping. uh I was really miserable I was drinking. like a like all those. different things and one night in my. insomnia at 3:00 in the morning 4:00 in. the morning I just remember thinking. you're going to have had your own talk. show with your name on it where you.

could do whatever you wanted right other. than dress up David Tellis Hiller right. and people are going to say did you. enjoy it and I would have to say I hated. it and I think it nearly destroyed me. mhm and what a dumb response. yeah and that morning I got up and was. like I'm going to enjoy the out of. this yeah and I don't care anymore yeah. and. it was revelatory and it it it was such.

a I felt it physically like that relief. now the blow of the story is they cancel. it pretty soon there I had the. Revelation and the story should have. been like and I learned to enjoy it and. the show Sword and the ratings Conan oh. the ratings you wouldn't believe I I was. literally money it was amazing. it's like you're Scrooge and you woke up. boy what day is it and you're shouting. out the window and people like.

you where's the cranky old man we liked. him what boy what day is it it's your. eviction day you're leaving get out so. yeah but it was the lesson yeah of my. career and it it tied. into the sort of flip side of that was. when I got Letterman a couple of years. prior which had been my so goal for you. know five or six years of of working in. the clubes and I remember going back to. my apartment and was still like a hole. in the floor and it was still one room.

and I wasn't any taller and so that you. know that sort of that Summit that. Everest that had occurred by going on. Letterman I was still the same dude and. when I got cancelled I remember thinking. but I'm not any shorter yeah and I don't. live in a smaller and I still have the. one thing that they can't take away. which is a desire to write jokes yeah. and and that's how I think I was able to. when The Daily Show came work hard but.

not make myself insane the think the. Saving Grace for me was always I was. very nervous self-loathing you know uh. that's so. crazy I view you so differently that. that's so crazy all the but. when we were doing the show yeah and Max. Weinberg and the Max Weinberg 7 are. playing and we're doing this comedy that.

I loved in working with Smigel and. working with all these great people I. loved that part I always loved that part. I loved an audience I loved and I. remembered thinking uh if this only. lasts six weeks I got to do it for six. weeks so I remember that it was if I. could have it was the show it was the. doing of the show that saved me right. because the doing of it brought me joy. and also you can't do these shows unless. you're in the.

moment present right and and taking it. beat to beat if you're doing comedy on. stage it got you out of your head it got. me out of my head because now it's just. time to go it was all the rest of it. that I found uh to be agonizing but um. could anyone help you through that like. I imagine somebody like Lauren who. really has been through that experience. of Show Business and ups and downs and. had a longevity in that is that. something you were able to share with. him in any way I think the thing about. Lauren and got you know Lauren no one.

would know me if it weren't for I think. I would have made a name as a you had. already made a name no no no I no no no. no but I think if Lauren hadn't chosen. me uh you know for that job I think I. would have probably uh through various. crimes have made a name for myself oh. yeah Pacific Northwest roaming and then. eventually is that con O'Brien fighting. in the Ukraine what is he doing is he on. the front lines in car ke look at that. hair um but I think so tall what a.

Target they can't seem to hit him a 9. foot Wendy's girl is in kke and no one. seems to hit him amazing you know Lauren. has an interesting thing which is uh he. he totally put me on the map and I owe. my career to him and I love him to death. but he is not uh and and he would. probably admit this too he his he's a. throw you in the deep end and and and. watch you figure it out kind of guy. right uh and so.

he and and in a way I respect it because. it works but he's not a handh holder. he's not someone who's going to you know. I know they they they tore you up you. know and I know I know that you were. destroyed and you know I know that. article came out I mean he used to. sometimes tell me about articles that I. couldn't possibly have. read he say like you know I think what. the Cincinnati Post Dispatch register. said in their in their supermarket. handout was unfair I think I think.

someone will eventually want to mate. with you you know I mean he would say. you know and I'd be like what I didn't. know about oh no no but then he'd Su. he'd do that but then he'd say but. listen he did have an Institutional. knowledge and he said you're likable and. um you you've got a good quality. vulnerable quality and it'll all I. wanted to hear is your weird comedy is. so cool that's not what Lauren was. saying I think he even he early on found. it off putting in crazy but but.

but he did say like you're polite you're. polite and your your goodness comes. through and that will see you through. and i' be like what you're well-mannered. boy yeah no but I mean seriously I think. have you thought about wearing. kops and playing into the well-mannered. boy archetype he did tell me a couple of. I think he did an interview a couple of. years into the Late Night show and it's. going really well and he said I thought. like well we're we're doing such cutting. itch comedy I bet that's why Lauren you. know and he said no no no no I I chose. con because you know he has good manners.

and I thought.