The Lost Hans and Franz Movie: Episode 3 | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

[Music]. [Laughter]. [Music]. all right Conan O'Brien here welcome to. episode three of the reading of the Lost. Hans and frond script here with Dana. Carvey Kevin Nealon Robert Smigel myself. no reason to say hi really not at all. just I'm courteous and unfriendly yeah. and you're also chewing something which. I think fine let's cut okay he's like a. cow in the corner good it's just.

[Music]. we find ourselves in this episode uh. we're in Beverly Hills and I think. there's an evil plot that's uh oh yes. that's it does it work here some girly. man abductions are going to take place. so let's set the scene. exterior Beverly Hills day muscle men. goons walking purposely down in Beverly. Hills Street they kick down a door rush. in emerge with Gavin MacLeod. in mid-eating sandwich the actor who.

played the captain on The Love Boat a. goon spray paints one less girly man on. the wall oh Bob Saget was in this oh. sure too bad God Rest Your Soul Bob uh. our thoughts go out too what about Gavin. what about his soul oh right what about. Ebert yeah. it's got the only Soul around here what. the hell I knew Gavin McLeod that man. had no soul. Bob Saget on the set of his show Annette. is thrown over him in Musselman goons.

drag him off insert TV screen a newscast. in progress a picture of John Ritter oh. my God is there anyone alive. what's your take on his soul would you. like God to rest it. a newscast in progress a picture of a.

very much alive John Ritter over the. anchor woman's shoulder subtitled girly. nap once again a message was left this. time reading what a complete girly man. the total is now at 16 girly nappings as. insert another report a possible. breakthrough in the girly nap mystery. the term girly man has been traced to an. obscure bodybuilding program a clip of. pumping up with Hans and Franz has. played that was canceled not long ago. before the first girly nap occurred. interior Arnold's living room later Hans. and Franz and Arnold are lounging in.

their Lederhosen. each drinking a blender full of protein. shake what do they mean obscure yeah. fellas this is not good why jealous. we're on TV we got big problems. Arnold's size and frustration exterior. Arnold's house Knights. boots and crafts and exterior Arnold. South Knight a salute of police cars. descend upon the house interior Arnold's. living room later several investigators. are questioning Hanson Franz as Arnold.

watches have you ever used the term. girlyman yeah when was the last time you. used it oh about a minute ago as the. investigators take notes Arnold. interrupts excuse me Sergeant but this. is so ridiculous I've known these guys a. long time plus I'm a huge saw does not. count for some favoritism you're right. Mr Schwarzenegger we're sorry to take up. your time everyone gets up just then. discuss that easy it actually is just. then a few cops emerge from the basement. sir we've located a breakdown in the.

security systems downstairs well Arnold. runs to the open wall where the box of. crackers is missing my crackles who. could have taken them only we knew about. them I mean but we didn't. I'm afraid we're gonna have to bring. your cousins in for more questioning. Arnold please let it wait until tomorrow. for God's sakes I'm bigger than Clark. Gable fair enough. also dead the investigator and cops. leave. we're innocent Arnold believe us now put.

your hand on your bicep do you swear on. your cardiovascular system so help your. buttock muscles yeah yeah of course all. right so now what do we do we've got the. cops after you and I've got no crackers. I know it's really good in an exciting. yeah yeah I wonder what he thinks what. who thinks follow up Hans and France. runs through another secret door with. Arnold following them interior screening. room moments later Hans and Franz walk. behind the aisle towards Ebert's seat. Again movie critic Arnold Trails behind.

what's the deal fellas pretty damn good. huh the seat is empty except for some. popcorn and candy yeah you bet they. noticed the empty seat and looked the. camera. interior layer same Roger Ebert is. struggling on a cross-country skiing. machine. yeah. fairing shorts in a tank top a muscle. man goon cracks away behind him as he. Huffs and puffs Rolf walks by spand or.

discipline this one's a project oh the. one lieutenant. with these mass building. crackers or plan cannot fail augments. feeding immediately soon the girly man. will be ready to enter the Mr little. Austria contest where I will display. them to the world yes. good and what about the environment oh.

it's smarting. looks right to camera. it's smarting. insert movie screens the same scene is. continuing on the screen Rolf and Mr X. Laughing interior screening room Hans. and Franz are watching it gently sitting. and eating Ebert's popcorn. unbelievable it was wrongful long what a. card he's got my crackers and how about.

the other guy yeah with the voice yeah. he's terrible too it's a great movie. though yeah but the crackers they're not. ready to be eaten they're going to have. side effects terrible side effects. you've got to get back to little Austria. and stop them the entire town is in. great days no how much time into those. side effects they will take effect. turning right into camera in T minus 72. hour music dramatic sting as Arnold.

speaks at digital clock Rita marked time. until side effects 72 hours appears on. the lower side of left corner and. immediately starts ticking down oh no. but what do we do you've got to get the. antidote to the girly man here it is. Arnold produces and hands them a can of. cheese whiz it comes in the form of. cheese. now go. all right well clearly uh we keep. inserting words we just want Arnold to. say like cheese whiz and crackers.

this is one of my favorite things in the. movie this is one of my favorite things. I ever the Siskel and Ebert thing or it. was it was originally Cisco in Eber but. Ebert that was funny to me to just put. have Arnold and I mean have these guys. walk and watch a Critic in the middle of. the movie like several times but then it. got to this stage of the movie and all. of these bad comedies back then had like. there were two things that I really. wanted to do in this movie was like have. the bad guy be funny yep which just what. didn't exist like all these 80s movies.

were funny in a lot of ways but they. would always have that serious bad guy. like Max von Cito that you'd like to. take into Marvel movies now where. they're all like at that little kind of. a oh everything they twist everything's. a wink Yeah Austin Powers Austin Powell. he's like he he cracked the code he came. up with a character as funny as uh as. the main guy but uh but the whole raw. thing for one thing like I love that. because it was like it was sort of a. final solution I mean it's from my dark.

Jewish sensibility when I was like a. good morning I thought it was a little. yeah no it's the bad guy who wants to. take uh who wants to take what you guys. do way too far right yeah and then the. other thing in these movies was there. would be like these messages about. things like the environment yes in these. bad 80s comedies like they tried to have. a morality play going on at the same. time a lot of it got into the save the. world mentality yep so it's comedy I. love the idea that wall is this uh.

Caddyshack or what do you which ones no. not Caddyshack but like Spies Like Us. kind of movies or Dragnet they were all. there were a lot of serious bad guys in. these movies and that would sort of stop. the film cold so then here I love the. idea of like Ralph he had his he had his. first plan about you know just. eliminating girly men but then just. tacked done gratuitously and I'm going. to hurt the environment yeah what's also.

that it's just a button yeah he just. pushes a button that hurts the. environment. yeah yeah so we get to this point in the. movie and another device that's always. in these kinds of movies is like you. have to figure out a way for the hero to. find out what the bad guy's up to and. it's always some lame device overhearing. you know it's a button over here yeah. the over here button and here like they. can accidentally we'd set up this thing. where Ebert's watching the movie so they.

walk in and instead of it just being the. third version of this joke they actually. get to watch what's happening what they. find out about the bad guy right by. watching the movie I think it's is it. meta is that yes. that's not a joke ever yes that's right. not the Facebook pattern company I also. love that when you read a script a. normal script oftentimes if someone's. introduced it says someone like a Kirk. Cameron or someone like but we're you.

know I'm just throwing out random names. or some you know someone like a Rob Lowe. but but because we were starting with. the assumption that Arnold. Schwarzenegger is going to be more than. half the movie Once you once you've. swallowed that pill we go Hog Wild and. it's and and suddenly we're just. throwing people in the movie left and. right without a doubt hey we gotta do it. if Arnold will do it if Sonny Bono will. do it yeah Arnold's just Arnold can just. call people up and say you're doing it. and he was you know he could do it yeah.

so I love that I love that just the we. were so sure that everything big sure we. swung for the fences hmm and ultimately. no one did it is that right yeah no one. did it didn't come to fruition well No. you're ruining the endings I think a lot. of people listening don't know what this. movie was ever made or not so let's keep. that as a possibility maybe it did come. out here maybe maybe they read the book. maybe it was a massive 1992 hit could. have been man there's a lot of hits from. 192 have been forgotten so why why not.

just yeah let's just tell people it was. made and it actually did pretty well and. this is a big Reunion yeah exactly the. real Arnold's on his way based on a true. story well let's not say that's never. been made yet what can say that yet yeah. Never Say Never yeah no pain no gain. all right should we get back to it. Arnold to CERN with his Hollywood career.

to leave sends Hans and Franz back to. little Austria to infiltrate Ralph's. evil lair and save the girly men from. becoming out of control muscle-bound. monsters exterior Highway night Hans and. fronds ride their tandem bike down a. dark Highway almost there yeah soon. we'll be heroes but how do we get into. the Evil Lair to save the galiman well. I'm afraid there's only one way exterior. Urban landscape day Hans and Franz. approach interior little Austria. entrance same they have gone undercover.

as girly men and wear exaggerated. disguises Hans excessively effeminate. Franz excessively nerdy clock reads 21. hours 6 minutes 28 seconds. enter your little Austria Town Square. same they Mill about trying to get. noticed my look at all the pretty. flowers. yeah I would look at them but I'm too.

busy not exercising a few muscle men. goons see them and whispered each other. Hans addresses a woman oh you simply. must tell me where you got that top yeah. I can't believe my squinty lose her eyes. the goons approach them would you two. gentlemen like to come with us for. whatever fall Hans and Franz share a. wink as they are taken away interior. Ralph's Lair moments later Rolf is. examining Hanson France who continue. playing up their disguises clock 21. hours one minute 48 seconds so glad you.

could join me I have special plans for. the both of you Hans and France. Hans and Franz surprise drop their. attitudes take them away hunting franzer. grabbed and hauled away we should have. known it would be impossible to hide our. considerable yeah yeah but I think you. did have them fooled for a minute I. think you are quite mistaken my friend. if you thought anyone was a curly man. interior Lair later Ebert is inside a.

machine marked flabo suction. what's he gonna think when he read this. it is connected I'm aware listen. hahaha. just want to make sure I'm saying it. right is it plabo suction yes yes the. flag suction machine is connected. through a network of tubes to Hans and. Franz who are tied down to another. machine Rob stands triumphantly on a. perch above them the clock now reads. zero zero hours 11 minutes 16 seconds oh.

my God how fortuitous of you to arrive. at this moment you see I was just about. to suck the flab from this humongous. critic. still reading even. but now that you're here the flab won't. go to waste our bodies will reject the. Eber flab yeah it's like oil and water. we'll see who can't accept Ebert flap. and then Ebert says could you stop.

calling it Ebert flap please don't give. us a bad review enough commence flapper. suction. a muscle man goon hits a switch slowly. we see chunks of flab going through the. tubing towards Hans and France. what the hell's gonna happen I don't.

know that was a cliffhanger guys we're. gonna drop off uh right there for this. episode I mean this is uh that's. incredible Hans and Franz are tied down. while chunks of fat are being taken out. of revered. Ralph was the idea for to play Ralph was. Dolph Lundgren yeah that's right yeah. yeah I look at the part where uh Dana. doesn't want me to think he really was. effeminate yeah or a girly man yeah.

there's still bickering about they've. been caught and probably know they're. about to be killed but they're bickering. about we weren't convincing yeah that. was more convincing yeah yeah yeah we. were not that's the reason you must. possibly do this you didn't want anybody. to think you were convincing enough to. be a girlyman so laughable that anyone. could think we were properly pumped up. is there funny I always thought we were. feminine I knew it never worked there's. no disguising with these things. guys had we let's say it had gone ahead. and it had come time to send the script.

to Ebert. just picture I know that it would have. been Robert and I yeah. on the phone or in person saying hey we. want to talk to you and then how would. we sell that that it's all about you're. you're flat yeah what would be in it for. him I got to experience this years later. doing Triumph yep yep and I would get. people to do stuff in advance and it was. always hilarious right. and I think Ebert I mean I think in this.

case Hans and Franz were already hit. characters aren't if Arnold had really. done the movie I I honestly think a lot. of these people do you think Ebert would. have done it yes I do yeah interesting I. don't think Cisco would though Hebert. was the good one another too. you know what and then. you brought up Triumph and I think it's. it's worth remembering I remember uh. when Triumph got got really big and huge. people would contact the you know us and. say oh oh I want uh Triumph to get me. and I remembered it was Bon Jovi Bon.

Jovi that was Richie sambora's. completely yeah Richie sempora wanted it. and so yeah and the guys were all. excited and they put Triumph's picture. on the backstage they're backstage it. was a big thing and then I remembered. you went there and all the jokes were so. mean right about Jon Bon Jovi and you. thought at the end is there some part of. him I remember there was like he was not. he was the only one he's very nice to me. more in later years but I could tell. that he was he was not as into it as. well he was really into getting his his.

acting career going and you said yes I. understand in this in this movie you. play a vampire finally I'll roll that. requires you to suck yes and I saw those. Stacks jokes I saw the light go out of. his eyes a little bit and I thought oh. yeah yeah I think with Ebert on the. set getting the thing hooked up I I. think yeah. I know he wouldn't have walked he. couldn't have he's attached to a hose. that was the trick that's I see get your. cameos and tied up to an object yeah.

yeah that was my trick but I could. triumphed no people like Joey Fatone. they're dying to get out there and be. shot on right. I mean it became a high honor like. having Rickles on you it became I. remember yeah but we did a Triumph on uh. late night where and Simon Cowell was. sitting right next to me and you tore. into Simon Cowell and I'm sitting right. next to him and you really go at go at. him and after it was over he looked at. me and he was covered in sweat and he.

went that was rough yes that's so funny. because like I remember afterward him. telling me no this will be good for me. no no no but he while he was going. through it he said it was that's so. funny what would be your opening line to. Eber to try to get him to do this I. would say uh Roger how are you. congratulations Arnold Schwarzenegger. biggest star in the world because it's. 1991 wants you to be in his next film. okay and he doesn't want Cisco and he. doesn't miss him yeah oh I see that was.

Michael what would you say to him to. Ebert yeah um I would have said uh uh. this is uh read the script and see what. you think uh I would have tried to be. very complimentary that we love your. show and so you would let him discover. what the thing was alone I would have. said it's you know no I would have set. up the story I would have said you're. gonna be there's gonna be a whole bunch. of celebrities that uh this this evil. guy wants to convert into muscle men. okay I mentioned that I wouldn't have. said that they're all flabby can I say.

one thing I would have done yeah I would. have gone back reread it and taken out. the line that Rolf has you see I'm just. about to suck the flap from this. humongous critic. I would have just deleted the line. humongous and then added it on the day. of the shooting Dolph improvises you. know Dolphins you know yeah once you get. Dolphins we're just gonna try one take. where he calls you humongous we won't. even use it I didn't see the flower. suction thing in here before did you add.

that the flower suction dang that what. would you say seriously I would I'd be. cute I would compliment him yes you are. so averse to conflict you'd be nowhere. around I would tell him well I would. tell him you don't really have to do. this you don't need it sure yeah you. don't need it but we think it's uh a lot. of good fun ridiculous you would have. said it's ridiculous silly the. characters are silly the whole thing is. in good fun everyone is having fun in. this movie yes and and having fun with. their image so I think it would be.

really funny uh Roger or R whatever uh e. EB. um yeah I just would have tried to. butter them up smooth them over about. this like and Triumph and what I did but. like you every Everybody you. impersonated well like for example. Arnold was dying to do the sketch on the. show and John McLaughlin and Reed Jesse. Bush president your friend yeah all. these people were thrilled because now. we're talking about things like a flab. out of them oh but you know it was still. pretty uh here's what I would say and.

this is why I'm not a good negotiator I. would open up like this Roger you're not. gonna like this. how about this Roger you're not gonna. like this but first let's concede you. could lose some yeah yeah lose a few. pounds well. well a competition with Cisco was there. another reviewer that he would maybe. hate and we go we rejected him yeah we. rejected this up or he's hauling Cape. it's not you we're gonna get Pauline. kale and then he has to right then he. has to do because he wants to deny kale.

the yeah. inside baseball how to manipulate people. to do your project yes Conan O'Brien. next week Al Roker yeah all right this. is the end of uh episode three join us. for episode four where we uh we we read. more of the Lost Hans and Franz movie to. a nation that just can't get enough. we'll see you then. [Music].