The Lost Hans and Franz Movie: Episode 2 | Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend

[Laughter]. [Music]. hey Connor to Bryan here and you are. listening to episode 2 the Lost Hans and. Franz movie discussing a script that was. written in 1991 by Dana Carvey Kevin. Newman Robert Smigel and myself it was. our Dream to bring Hans and Franz to the. big screen as a musical we wrote the. script and here we are after all these. years bringing it to life.

we all know this is going to lead to the. movie actually being made. uh and um so I'm clearing my schedule. for the summer for a budget of one. hundred thousand dollars. it'll be on streaming you'll see it's. gonna be great you know in the last. episode we talked a little bit about how. Hans and Franz came to be and I think. this is important before we start this. reading the next uh parts of the script. Kevin it all began with you seeing. Arnold Schwarzenegger doing an interview.

and you were kind of enjoyed doing his. voice you called Dana the two of you. you're out on the road together with. Dennis Miller hey cha cha and you were. uh. looks like currency once he gave me a. pluggy wonky. um you two were on the road together uh. and you started doing these two guys but. you were still you didn't quite see how. it could be a character yet and then. Dana you said there was a point where. there was an important yeah revelation. we played with it we had the core I.

think that they would maybe be the. cousins and maybe of Schwarzenegger of. Arnold and worship Arnold we had that. distant cousins but we were trying to. think of the characters like what would. they be and we were going around with. like are they actually going to lift. weights like are they going to show that. they're strong wrong and we were. probably thought not but what would they. do so I'm talking with Kevin and first. we were just on the phone doing we went. to Palm you up we thought okay let's do. that and then Kevin we were just riffing. around like this and that and then Kevin. said I'll never forget it because it.

really it tilted the whole thing and if. you don't believe it was properly pumped. up once we got defensive then we laughed. for two hours on the phone if you doubt. me in any way you know and they would. never lift weights so I think in the. first the first they never demonstrated. their strength of the audience all they. did the paranoid delusional sadistic. aggressive of toward imaginary enemies. and that was their whole thing that's. why I don't think the first one or two. really scored the first one is.

unbelievably funny if you watch it now. but did the audience got hooked it. harder as it went along to yeah of. course yeah well what happens almost. every character yeah right the first. wins world wasn't well a giant hit I. guess it was just how abstract it was. showing like we did the first one we we. set it up and they got it okay it was. the last sketch of the show yeah and. then uh we didn't do it for a couple. weeks I said Dana we should do another. one of those and see if uh and then we. put it out there and it was like you. know it was like yeah people loved it. yeah you know eventually we had the. whole crowd going we want to pop and.

then the whole eight Acres. I think more so more so back back that. era of SNL everybody was always on the. hunt for a catchphrase and I remembered. very clearly and there was some you know. pump you up I could see you guys. thinking what's the catchphrase going to. be right yeah everything everything gets. wound down into we want to pump you up. to we want to Farmville we had to stop. because I was gonna chef with the. reduction you keep cooking it until it. just becomes this it's like the bush. thing not gonna do it not got that yeah.

well we've watched you do uh the whole. Arc of George of George Bush was you. starting out saying not gonna do it and. then over time again. [Applause]. [Laughter]. he's had a horrible stroke yeah it went. like this not God dad got that go. combining two catchphrases instead of. living.

so uh we're gonna get back into it now. uh as you last remember Hans and Franz. they lose their job at their cable. television show because they refer to Dr. Martin Luther King as being flabby. um they're fired they ride out on tandem. bikes and they get to Hollywood they're. hoping to meet their their cousin Arnold. so we take you now let's get Arnold in. here let's get Arnold in here yeah let's. get him in here let's get to work this. is here we go let's do this.

reduced to eating letters of the. Hollywood sign for sustenance. [Laughter]. have no luck finding their cousin in Los. Angeles until they are arrested for. tackling Arnold at one of his movie. premieres Arnold bails them out of jail. and allows him to crash at his house. meanwhile Rolf continues to kidnap girly. men exterior Arnold's house day a huge.

sprawling estate Arnold Humvees drive. past two large flexed metal arms which. serve as the gate and chair Arnold's. foyer moments later a very pumped man's. servant takes everyone's bag as they. enter thanks Benny make yourselves. comfortable fellas the house is. decorated with large sculptures of. individual muscles wow what a great. place yeah it's cool for now as they. follow Arnold into the living room they. cross a staircase made up of 15. connected stairmasters ascending to the.

next level. the living room furniture is also shaped. like different muscles these rooms where. I like to unwind. before we forget we got some stuff for. you from back home they pull some junk. out of a knapsack we brought you your. mail Hans hands Arnold some old junk. mail uh yeah thanks and also he posted. beat up dirty sausage out of his. knapsack your favorite sausage with. Grandma my cook for you. Ah that's nice uh thanks thanks guys.

Arnold reaches over and opens a cabinet. a digital monitor reads out 14 calories. burned Arnold pulls out a cigar and. lights it let me show you the rest of. the place Arnold gets up Hans and Franz. Trail himself sure sure I'd love to. Arnold can I use the bathroom please. sure go down to the bicep make a left at. the Baltic. thanks Hans continues to follow Arnold. here come with me Arnold's backyard.

moments later they cross the swimming. pool a narrow lap pool that stretches a. mile into the Horizon there is a yacht. in the deep end. nice. they continue to follow Arnold elsewhere. he leads them through a secret. passageway a giant. a giant buttocks that separates and. opens like a door. Arnold's basement moments later it is a.

complex underground nerve center not. unlike the war room and Dr Strangelove. is what all happens fellas I make every. Korea move in this room a team of. advisors is starting a giant tabletop. chart pushing around a small cardboard. cutout heads of Sylvester Stallone Chuck. Norris Jean-Claude Van Damme Kevin. Costner Etc Hans and Franz are very. impressed show business is like a war. you must always anticipate the enemies. next move Arnold turns to Howard an. agent in an Italian suit how's it. looking for The Pride of the Yankees.

remake Costner met with them today blow. him out. I was meant to play Lou Gehrig come come. Arnold church and leads Hansen France to. another Wing where scientists and lab. coats are studying x-rays muscles and. skeletal charts who are these people are. not Muslim research you can't forget. pompitude it's my bread and butter a. scientist approaches Arnold any new. exercises called me you know this little. bump on the inside of your elbow it's.

technically a ligament but we think it. can be made thicker with inverted curls. come over here fellas they walk over to. a machine that resembles a Sleek version. of an old steam box this machine removes. all hair from your body so you're ready. for competition a hairy Italian. bodybuilder and Speedo trunk steps into. the machine which makes whirling and. buzzing sounds thanks Franco I want to. give something back to the bodybuilding. Community the machine stops the Italian.

bodybuilder steps out hairless from the. neck down he checks under his speed and. gives a thumbs up Arnold moves on to a. private Alcove here's my real Trident. Joy he presses a button on the wall a. sliding door opens revealing a gleaming. rectangular metal box for years man has. been poisoning his body with his unsafe. chemicals in his mad quest for bulk. soon the madness will end with my new. totally safe. anabolic bulk enhancer wow a man will.

finally realize his dream to go from. this he refers to a photo of an enormous. bodybuilder with bulging muscles. he refers to a photo of the same. bodybuilder doctor to look three times. as muscular it's a truly disgusting. sight. oh my God.

it comes as a cracker. Arnold opens classic Conan joke I love. that it comes Arnold opens the metal box. revealing rows of round crackers Franz. reaches for one Arnold slaps his wrist. the crackles haven't been protected now. let's go and remember don't tell anyone. they leave the Alcove and are. intercepted by Howard Arnold I know you. have guests but right fellas uh this is.

my agent Howard hello girlie man nice to. meet you Friday person Howard gives. songs and Friends a look they smile. oblivious. I remember uh we would get so excited. about uh jokes where it was very flat. him talking about all that that wondrous. thing and then saying something like. it's a cracker well that was totally. your joke but but but just the just the. idea that then Arnold has to say cracker. the great Arnold word hearing the real.

Arnold do this would have been just. incredible yeah we would have done. anything just to have the table exactly. is going to be when we remake it so. funny in this movie because the visual. get through the house that whole thing. is placed so there was a whole scene. remember the scene where Arnold's on the. phone and he's doing like he's. multitasking he's doing like 20 things. at once yeah controlling because he was. such an enormous star yeah at this time. that we were able to just exaggerate not.

only his Fame but also his just like he. was like a superhero within the movie. yeah we had lunch with him at uh. yeah and to talk about this movie yeah. had one meeting with him and I'll just. set the table which is down in Venice. there was a restaurant called schatzis. that I think Arnold owned yeah he bought. it for his mother yeah and it was um you. could get like Austrian food there and. you know just as a side note I think who. used to sometimes frequent that little.

area it was sort of an outdoor kind of. mini mall area and schatzi's was there. and um I later heard from Rick Ludwin. that Johnny Carson used to go there and. he would meet Johnny Carson at that same. place. yeah. but you know what this is what I heard. from Rick Gladwin a good friend of of. ours going back years on SNL and the. Late Night show he said that he was. having one of his meetings with Johnny. Carson who was retired but like still.

just just this huge legendary figure. yeah and he's sitting there at shots. he's with Rick Loveland they're having a. lunch and um Arnold came by and it was a. whole thing like we miss you Johnny you. know it was all about you've got to come. back on television and Johnny. oh thank you very much but I have a good. time on my boat. he's having a good time on his boom well. I know how did you get here. what are you bothering Johnny.

what to do what are you doing leave them. alone where did he come out of the heat. vent he was listening in. man put him everywhere yeah yeah I was. just in the kitchen yeah. I went to that place once I met him. there once without you guys and Arnold. yeah and at the end he's like okay time. for cigars and Schnapps and he had a.

cigar cutter and then you had to do a. shot of schnapps. at the end of a meal it's like a. exclamation time so we should talk about. this because we did have a meeting with. Schwarzenegger yes we all went and I. remember there was some other people. there too obviously some agents and. normally you'd have Australian friends. around like big. guys yeah in this case it was just uh. agents and things yeah and I didn't. remember having any interaction with. them other than hi fellas I mean I think. he talked to you you're not at a table.

Yeah we sat at a table but I'm saying do. you remember I remember him talking. about the first thing he said first. thing he said you guys have gone crazy. with the Pyrex giant buttocks opening. and closing I remember he went so he had. read it he had read it or at least. enough of it but he mentioned that one. he was excited at that point then he was. just telling us about his other projects. and yeah I'm gonna be uh I play a. pregnant guy and it's really touching. and heartwarming you know because I go. through and I understand what the women.

go through and the comedies because the. man you know traditionally doesn't have. a value from being pregnant. I like that he gets into it because a. man doesn't have a uterus you see yeah. he does not have all these things you. know the thing that you use to urinate. yeah that's what the women don't have. that men only. let me write out a diagram that was. weird let me tell you something I'm the. only man who's pregnant that has a. six-pack over the belly of the little.

child even the child has a six packs. inside it's my six-pack would crush the. child but we hear any chance Arnold like. three months from now is driving down. the road listening to this sure yeah. yeah it's funny you know maybe we go. back really visited my dream would just. be for him to do a live reading with us. and just do it for charity that would be. or for us or for us just for money. we say it's for charity and then we. pocket the money yeah yeah I've done. that many times and people people rarely.

look into it they don't know there's no. forensic audit that's. a lie happy Martin had a great joke. Steve Martin did a charity he goes. congratulations you've raised 500 000. minus my salary. so that's 200 for the kids. all right we're gonna go back to it now. and uh here we go.

interior Arnold's house kitchen. uh what are you fellas cooking. yeah we figured it was our last night. France Pierce is a piece with a fork. continually offers it to Arnold Arnold. Isaac cautiously then tasted my God is. just how I tasted in the old country. Arnold how come you never talk about the. old country it's not the most Pleasant.

memory believe me now let it out I was a. happy child but it wasn't easy for my. family to serve to exterior the old. country Marketplace 30 years ago. poverty-stricken villagers exchange. sparse items some children are lifting. tiny weights. it was during the war food and weights. were hard to come by. families struggle to stay pumped.

[Laughter]. dissolved to Water's Edge later young. Arnold age 15 with flowing locks in. lederhosen hugging his family I loved my. simple life but I was too massive for my. family to support So in desperation. exterior ocean later young Arnold. floating in a giant bottle across the. ocean. they sent me to the states the only way. they could afford to promising they join. me later exterior our silent day young.

Arnold online with tons of other. immigrants still I felt abandoned and. then on Ellis Island I was humiliated. young Arnold steps up to the immigration. Booth they shortened my name a rude. clerk is in the booth what's your name. son. Arnold Schwarzenegger slots and Klausen. okay forget it now you're Schwarzenegger. young Arnold is stunned he walks away. slowly then stops I had nothing left so. I told myself I'd never look back just.

off to ensure Arnold's office day in. 1979 Pan the wall posters of Arnold as. Mr Olympia Arnold in Pumping Iron Arnold. as Conan the Barbarian Etc I focused on. my career and it paid off a 70s Arnold. receives a phone call then one day I got. a call from Little Austria my grandpa. was sick I thought I'd finally make. amends exterior little Austria Church. Day morning villagers were gathered. outside a casket emerges from the.

entrance Arnold is the lone pallbearer. carrying the casket by one handle he is. downcast but I was too late he sadly. does a rep with the casket. exterior Arnold's pool same Hans and. Franz are taking it in we never knew or. not we never knew yeah yeah you can. never get it back fellas Arnold how. about a doozle schnapps you guys. [Music].

I don't know fellas exterior Arnold's. pool later all three are drunk giggling. hysterically and joking in German as. they laugh. yeah. I do it because I'm insecure. I love you guys. don't leave tomorrow okay Arnold starts. an Austrian Drinking Song in Hanson.

France joining. you know. it's really fun to imagine the real. Schwarzenegger I know but at what point. do you want to talk about why the movie. didn't get me well one thing I'll start. the conversation with this is that I was. naive personally yeah and found out. later maybe from the late great Brad. Gray he's got like 10 things at all.

times he has multiple multiple projects. yeah I was I didn't really realize how. you know we were not necessarily on the. top of the list but we might have got. made but I was probably thinking more. like maybe had two projects or three. yeah. I have like five projects lined up for. myself and I want to do is it depends on. you know what I'm looking for we're not. talking about yard work Kevin oh I see I. thought you were is this one of your. projects right now no no it's raking. leaves and shovels this doesn't count as. a project yeah I'm screwed but in. retrospect isn't it I mean there are.

other reasons too but he always movie. stars huge movie stars like the rock. doesn't have like just two two things. but I remember a specific phone call. that like I got to talk to to his was. there a guy named Lou do you guys. anybody else. and the guy tells me that uh because so. while we were waiting Last Action Hero. came out and kind of bombed and Last. Action Hero he didn't play himself but. he played it was a tongue-in-cheek.

as an action hero as an action hero and. uh Lou basically said that Arnold it was. almost like you know disproves the law. that you can't do yourself I'll never do. myself in the movie again right right. that was no Last Action that he took. from that at the time we heard that. because Last Action Hero came out I. don't know if it came out while we were. writing it I think he was developing. that then while he was talking to us. about this yes he was so it's that. it was an Andor if we got into it first.

maybe would have got made then we would. have been you never to make fun of. yourself after 30 minutes before that or. if ours had been a hit then he would. have just you always make. there must be buttock stores in every. movie I make. really was he was the biggest like. muscular guy like now they got so many. action stars like that you know they got. rock no but skinny yeah skinny movie. stars get incredibly pumped up now yeah.

like Jake click and holler just normal. clicking off his brother clickenheimer. yeah Jake love him great actors probably. listening but they all have to do. superhero that's a normal frame but then. it's like you know I will say this have. you seen Kumail I mean oh yeah but. totally but I will say this uh have you. seen me. if you're looking at the people that do. a lot of them I'm gonna that do the. action movies or the Marvel movies they. get uh very cut but Arnold was different.

Arnold at his Peak was massive in a way. that none of these guys are I mean he. really was he's a legit bodybuilder yeah. he was a real bodybuilder so the rock. might be bigger than Arnold I think. physically physically at this point I. don't think so really but Arnold. but I I'd have to see him side by side. in their Prime I'm going to say the that. gold was a body pillow Arnold was a. bodybuilder though and and The Rock was.

a wrestler I know I'm just I I just I'll. ask some gym rats about that but I think. he was also you could be more Reckless. about it then but uh here's something. everyone will find fascinating no I was. gonna do bad boys because this guy's. always talk about it even with me and. love it yes yeah so turned it down but. in the meantime Simpson and brookheimer. I was going to play the Will Smith part. you know and they said yeah we're gonna. get a trainer we're gonna add two inches. to your chest good God to try to build. me up to be like I mean Will Smith is.

like six four it's crazy he's not six. four all right two and a half nope but. anyway they even tried to do it to me I. graduated high school at this height at. 125. it would have been a heavy lift no. pun intended but you know what I love is. um the insane commitment to the. weightlifting thing which even when you. were describing them as being in this. really the thing that there wasn't much. food to eat and it was hard to get. weights a weight is anything you can. lift I love the stupidity. there wasn't much money for weights it.

was like that. that being a hardship weights have to be. flown in to this impoverished area so. people can bump up. all right that does it for the second uh. episode of Hans and Franz The girlyman. Dilemma this is the table read we're. bringing this magical script from 1991. to life with uh Dana Carvey Kevin Neal. and Robert smigiel and myself so stick. around for the next episode where things. really heat up we never even had a table.

read for the original no we didn't that. would have been fun wow couldn't afford. a table we've gotten could have punched. it up for that maybe if Arnold had just. come to a table read and heard the. laughs he would have yeah got a time. machine. foreign.