The Lost Hans and Franz Movie: Episode 1 | Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend

[Music]. [Laughter]. [Music]. hey welcome to a very special edition of. Conan O'Brien needs a friend I am uh. thrilled that we are here this is this. is unique this is a real occasion yes. you're all of course familiar with Hans. and fronds. Dana Carvey Kevin Newman's classic. bodybuilder characters from SNL these. were monsters these were monster.

characters everyone was doing the Hans. and fronds all across America. uh it was big it was a big deal but a. lesser known fact is that Dana Kevin. Robert Smigel and myself wrote a. feature-length Hans and Franz movie way. back in the year of Our Lord 1991. it. was a musical it was an incredible. vision and it was shockingly never made. you know the only movie based on SNL. characters that wasn't turned into a. movie.

no one has ever seen or heard this. script dot dot dot until today I am here. in studio with Dana Carvey Kevin Nealon. hi and Robert Smigel this is the first. time any of them have spoken to each. other since the movie. fell apart. everyone in this room has refused to. speak to each other but now we have come. together put aside our differences put. aside our differences and we're going to. read selections from Hans and Franz the.

girly man dilemma. title you probably couldn't use today. Hans and Franz The girlyman Dilemma. remember it was 1991. sorry we're going to read this more than. 30 years after we wrote it gentlemen. first of all I'm thrilled that we could. all be here Dana good to see Kevin. Robert how are you guys doing Kevin I'm. well I'm just Kevin I'm over the moon to. be here yeah to see that you are still. in the business. thank you Kevin stuff that we predicted.

in 1991. yeah no it's uh it's nice that. we could come together I wanted to sort. of set the table first before we begin. explaining a little bit of the. background uh of what we're doing here. okay first of all we're going to read. this script about scenes from the movie. we're not going to read the whole movie. yeah the whole movie would be over six. hours long but what we're going to do is. we're going to start by reading an. opening sequence first we have some Team. Coco staffers in the back that are going. to help us with some smaller roles sonum.

obsessian Matt Gourley David hopping and. Matt powers are going to be assisting in. smaller roles helping us out I will roll. is too small no rules too no that's not. true some rules are very small. um in fact I'm reading one of the small. roles uh but I'm also going to be. reading stage directions and uh of. course Hans and Franz will be played by. of course by Hans and Franz Dana and. Kevin and Robert you will be playing the. part of uh Arnold Schwarzenegger is that.

you're gonna get Arnold What's that. Arnold's here yeah would you like to. meet Arnold we couldn't it's a pleasure. to be here wow. Arnold just walked in this is incredible. dude. finally it's a golden O'Brien needs a. human friend. Arnold amazing that you would just. wander in without even being invited. amazing. and you're so animated.

I I can't believe I'm in the studio in. Largemouth I I'm pinching myself settle. down Robert okay all right oh yeah he's. good we don't want him mad at us oh. right right we point out quickly that uh. Robert uh for many many years on my late. night show was the voice in the clutch. cargos of Arnold Schwarzenegger which. was one of our biggest hit characters he. would always come down and uh I would. start interviewing him and it would. always end up with him yelling at me and.

you always start with him as well yeah. exactly sort of the beginning. symmetrical yes I thought you looked. familiar yeah Robert. always had this is how low Tech it was. to create a little Gap in his teeth he'd. put a little piece of electrical tape. electric tape in front of his two front. teeth and always in the middle of every. bit it would start to come off yeah and. then we would deconstruct it and I'd say. Arnold your teeth all right don't look. though I have my Gap is delicious how.

would we explain this impression to like. Rich Little or something I know. it was an imp I was an imprecisionist. yes exactly I'm a little confused yeah. you said you were going to set the table. when is that gonna happen that literally. set a table Oh I thought we were having. lunch or something. all right so that's what's happening is. uh we should explain to people under 25. who hunts and frogs why. and I think we should we should quickly. and I I know that I have my minders who.

are sitting in the room glaring at me. that I keep this thing on the track this. is going to take place over multiple. episodes we're going to read different. scenes and we'll we'll take you through. everything we're going to start reading. the opening sequence in just a bit but. just to tell you Hans and Franz it was a. big deal on SNL Kevin where did the idea. come from go because you uh you were. watching television I believe once. weren't you I was in a hotel room in Des. Moines Iowa I believe it was. Dennis and me and uh I was watching up.

close and personal with Arnold. Schwarzenegger and he would talk about. you know what he does when he gets in. the town they're asking what do you do. when you get into town he's well even. though first I get into the nice. shirt I go out on the town I have some. fun then I come back to the hotel room I. get into the nice light card sheets you. know and I called Dane and I said Danny. you gotta watch this and we were both. laughing at it and then for the rest of. the tour drove Dennis crazy we're. talking like Arnold Schwarzenegger and. it was uh. precision and the positivity so I Kevin. told me that I laughed and it was just.

it became a poem we did ad nauseum it's. like you get to the hotel you do the. stairs you get a nice light sweat you. take a nice warm shower you put on a. light white cotton shirt and you're. ready for the evening it always went to. you're ready for the evening you're. ready for this we saw the preparation so. you two are doing this back and forth. and then eventually this becomes Hans. and Franz these two characters who want. to pump you up and uh Arnold's cousins. Arnold's cousins and they're constantly.

talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger and. became a very popular but also something. else very defensive yes yeah and they. try to cut people down before they mock. them well they're paranoid yeah yeah. aggressive what was it now believe me. now and hear me later hear me now that. was Kevin's hear me now and believe me. you know if you think you're so smart. you know why don't you come and do it we. do no way it's not gonna happen you know. yeah there are on a cable TV show with. like three viewers and they're. threatening them and they never show any.

Feats of Strength or lift anything if. you doubt this yeah we can easily easily. very easily come to your house and. you'll see in the script what that we've. yeah Dan and I never laughed more than. we were writing these characters for. hours they were just so fun to do so. then you guys uh and we'll we'll talk. about this how it came about but uh but. we just did didn't we no no how those. are the characters then there was the. idea for the movie right yeah uh way. later yeah it was yeah several years. later and uh I think you guys talked to.

Robert and Robert talked to me and we. agreed we would try and write this thing. so let's take you now I think we should. begin. um let's just do a scene see what. happens yeah the stage directions and uh. this reminds me am I Franz and he is. Hans right you know what a while and you. are there to pump okay no one ever knew. which one was Hans and which one was. France okay here I take you now to. Hansen from runs the girly man dilemma. here we go.

interior cable TV studio Hans and Franz. two crewcut Austrian bodybuilders with. gray sweatsuits are on the set of their. program. [Music]. the informative training program for the. serious weightlifter wow welcome we're. back. as always don't try to adjust your TV.

sets this is our actual song yeah that's. right yeah you're looking at two of the. most massive muscle Gods you'll ever see. in your life yeah because I am hot and I. am France. we followed the methods of our cousin. the greatest bodybuilder in the world. yeah maybe you've heard of him. as they continue occasionally cut to. glazed in different cameramen and. technicians all out of shape hear me now.

and believe me later we could easily. grab your love handles and stress them. around you like a bag so you can carry. yourself after the garbage cut too cute. card man holding a card reading yeah. because that's where trash like you. belongs yeah because that's what's like. you belongs. interior a bedroom same Rob Lowe as his. character from Wayne's World is in bed. with a woman she holds remote control. wait a minute keep it on this for a. minute. interior Studio same all right let's.

bring out our guest helmet a flabby. shirtless Austrian Man Joins Hans and. Franz he appears painfully resigned this. is Helmut a typical person helmet is. what you would become if you're lazy. interior Rob Lowe's bedroom same nah. this sucks he flips to another Channel. exterior ugly white brick apartment. building the next morning interior. Hanson Francis studio apartment same a. cuckoo clock wakes up Hans and fronds to. sleep in their bunk beds several Arnold. posters hang from the walls many framed.

signs with slogans no pain no gain if it. doesn't hurt it doesn't help believe me. Etc music cheerful morning Han slides. out of the top bunk stepping into. France's hand stirrups they are in their. pajamas and weight belts bathroom door. Hans is knocking to come in come on the. France sure your bathroom Franz is. flexing in front of the mirror exterior. bathroom let's go there are some of the. people in this house that need to flex. interior living room later Hans is.

watering and being berating a sickly. plant on the windowsill come on you lazy. Channel geranium. whatever that's called grow look how. strong you are yeah I could very easily. pull you out by your skinny Roots yeah. you you look more like a daisy is that. what you want he's yelling and they're. yelling at a plant yes I'm sorry Danny a. gangly nervous dude who lives next door. arrives at their entrance uh guys yeah.

yeah yeah a lot can you keep it down I'm. uh I'm just trying to work on my thesis. yeah look how long are you going to be. finished with that yeah yeah you're. going to be needing this quiet business. uh yeah I'm sorry I I just hit on this. whole new verbal Dynamic yeah look we'd. love to chat and engage in Girly talk. but uh now we have an appointment with a. station manager interior TV Executive. Office later two young executives are. seated opposite Hans and Franz everyone. is uncomfortable it's just that Martin. Luther King is a real hero in our.

society yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so to. describe him as flabby he is well that's. not the issue what you said was. offensive English please. uh look we've just gotten a lot of calls. and a lot of pressure to pull your show. you pull in our show from television. we're sorry there is a pause look your. suits you sit down and make decisions in. your suits and you don't know what the.

people want you know the people your. suits yeah suits so does that change. your mind no exterior TV studio Hans and. Franz Mill about outside the TV studio. dejected this phases of Our Lives is. over it's time to start from scratch. yeah yeah get in touch with that Roots. let's bring a snack share your subway. car later Hans and Franz are in a modern. subway car gnawing on a large ham. foreign.

s here's what I can recall I had left. Saturday Night Live and I was out in Los. Angeles working on The Simpsons when. Robert called me and said let's uh let's. write the Hans and France movie well we. had already been writing some of it I. think yeah me and Kevin we weren't going. anywhere with it. it's not like a lot of the early stuff. and I just said I think it would be. great to add Conan to the mix especially. and and the second half with Arnold and.

stuff there's so much great details that. you added to this movie that are so. funny he just wanted to keep using the. names Homer and Bart and everything it. didn't go with our script that is not. true this is not true but anyway what I. remember is we've all got together on a. lot was it the switch lot was it it was. Sony was it Sony or. um so we had an office and yes what I. remember most clearly is we would get. there Robert and I would get there and. Dana was pretty proud prompt Kevin would.

usually show up just a little late and. at the time you always had a giant Shake. of some kind of oh it was Slim Fast and. you were always sipping on this giant. bottle like a baby I'm still doing it. today yeah yeah I mean also I remember. especially in the early stage you always. have these prepared this prepared food. yeah that was Jenny Craig Jenny Craig. are you serious so you mixed Slim Fast. with Jenny Craig well I I could kill you.

but also I had Weight Watchers in my. freezer so I did the three of those and. I gained so much weight yeah. it's like a Mormon diet diet that's. right that's right and the Weight. Watchers women would come to my house. because I would get the VIP treatment. and she didn't know I had uh I had uh. Jenny Craig in the freezer and I love. Weight Watchers and then you know I said. I gotta go to the bathroom I go into my. freezer and get a little Jenny Craig out. and then come back on I thought it was. more like Chinese food and stuff but.

didn't you no no he was a thing I didn't. know you guys are keeping track of what. I was eating this is the biggest memory. of the whole strip right let's backtrack. I was never a little late I was the. first one there with Smiggle I don't. remember him being a late type of I. don't even remember you two guys right I. remember. okay now you've gone too far too far but. I uh I was always trying to get time off. from The Simpsons I remembered they. would always keep that writer's room. kind of late and we would try and grab. time on weekends I would try and grab.

any time I could yeah yeah to go off to. Sony to work on this ridiculous yes. silly movie uh and one of the things. that a sensible person would have done. if we had been sensible because we're. getting to uh Arnold Schwarzenegger is. to write a movie that maybe Arnold has a. quick cameo in because Arnold at the. time was the biggest movie star in the. world it's what we did what shocks me. now upon rereading it as I remembered. Arnold was in it but I forgot how much. Arnold is in it more than anybody and.

so we hung the entire project but didn't. this kind of come from Arnold on some. level like I remember hearing this from. you guys that Arnold wants to be well he. was once or twice he was on Hans and. Franz on Saturday Night Live yeah he. loved it loved it there's reasons why it. didn't work out we can get to those. later yeah yeah but we thought he did. want to have a major party and at the. time he hadn't really done anything like.

this yet and he was interested in it and. I remember that I remembered thinking. well if if Arnold also the Allure of if. Arnold says yeah yes this is going to. get made so we can make this as silly as. we want because yeah he's gonna if. Arnold says yes all the craziness is. going to happen exactly and and that and. I also I have to admit that when Dana. and Kevin first approached me with the. idea of doing a Hans and Franz movie my. first reaction was what a horrible idea. because there's such one-dimensional.

characters and in theory so my first. thought was well what if we made it a. musical that'll kill like you know 25. minutes right that's less plot and it's. fun to see them sing right and then. these guys said it was you guys had this. idea that they're going to go to. Hollywood and they're going to interact. with Arnold and I was like okay that. makes sense because then the second half. of the movie can be almost like a parody. of Arnold's life right and that was so. much fun that was incredible we got to. create what we hoped Arnold's life was.

like in our cartoonist childish brain oh. yeah I mean we'll get to those scenes. like yeah we're coming up on that that's. a big very heavily little Austria was. really made me happy whenever that. emerged was that your idea little. Austria I love that the cable car going. up there yeah yeah yeah. it was fun though it was fun to get. together and work on this thing this was. so much fun just because the characters. are it's like the way you guys say when. you would write these you just can't. stop laughing because they're just so. high energy and so stupid at the same.

time well the Rhythm so yeah you guys. are trying to read the script but you're. not very successful are you you know so. you remember that we wrote I mean we all. did but we wrote at that hotel in Santa. Monica that kind of retro place yes I. remember that because I have pictures of. you I sketched of you laying on the. couch playing with your shoe yeah I used. to take when I was when I was thinking I. used to take off your wing tips I used. to wear jeans with old wingtip shoes. from like an army navy store and I would. take off one of the shoes and just look. at it when I was thinking and you drew a.

sketch of it which ended up uh in your. book in my book called I exaggerate my. brushes with Fame it's available. wherever fantastic books are sold yep. and that plug is the only reason Kevin. agreed to come in thanks guys I'll see. you later. bro. OD all right let's read uh to the next. scene we're gonna read and we'll begin. right now there we go.

after losing their TV show Hans and. Franz head back to little Austria to. start humble new careers there instead. their Grandma inspires them to follow in. their cousin Arnold Schwarzenegger's. footsteps and become Hollywood stars. they also meet their friend Rolf who. seems to be hatching an evil scheme. involving girlyman okay exterior Highway. day Beauty shots of Hans and Franz. riding their tandem bikes on the highway. a sign reads Hollywood 3063 miles they. notice it and press on determinedly.

Frost dissolve Hans and Franz biking. grim-faced with passing road signs. Smithsonian Institute Liberty Bell. Gettysburg Memorial they ignore them and. ride on the next sign reads Vienna. Wonderland they turn off the highway. dissolve to exterior Highway later they. are back on their tandem bike their. knapsacks are stuffed with large bulky. corny souvenirs okay what loser am I. what century did you live in 19. how.

flabby were you I was 40 pounds. overweight Luis Pastor you're getting. too good. all right one loser am I will you. pass shaped or completely round. and I want to play that game all right. exterior. exterior small town laundromat day Hans. and fronds pedal up to the entrance. interior laundromat same Hans and Franz.

are in their long underwear shoving. their sweatsuits into a washing machine. a few nearby customers hold their nose. cut to Hans and fronds later removing. their sweatsuits from a dryer they have. shrunk noticeably oh this is. unbelievable yeah yeah this is not the. proper size an older woman at the next. dryer has noticed them that's what. happens these machines you put your. closed captioning not available.

[Laughter].

I wouldn't want to have to kick anyone's. head in. yeah.

don't take your shirt off or your belt. because you might cause a flabber lunch. I guess we should take this outside they. get up to leave and start backing out of. the lines yeah very clever we're going. to Palmer you and end up in jail I don't. think so yeah I still have Easter babies. we're headed for Hollywood they're at. the door turning back wait a minute yeah. what now did you say Hollywood exterior. Highway Hans France the older woman and. the three truck drivers are pedaling on. the tandem bike which now has six seats.

and six wheels okay interior Lair. Twilight music impending doom Blair is a. cavernous dark room with a network of. ramps leading to different levels Rolf. walks past the crew cut uniformly clad. Muscle Man goons standing guard he hits. a control panel and turns in his swivel. chair to face a large screen distorted. colors on the screen vibrate from the. disembodied voice of Mr X Ralph's. mysteriously there Lieutenant Roth. reporting to Mr ax.

how is a plan to kidnap girly man and. convert them into muscle man proceeding. you're a very slow talk. everything is in place. very well that the plan into motion. remember I want choice.

it shall be done and don't forget to. hurt. the environment. I think I heard you correctly you said. don't forget to hurt the environment I. told you oh man wow. God damn. Ralph is petting a button marked hurt.

environment he laughs villainously our. six bikers led by Hans and Franz with. passing highway signs Mount Rushmore. Yellowstone National Park Grand Canyon a. road sign with a picture of a large beer. stein Reed Stein Museum featuring Herman. the German Glockenspiel the bike turns. off the freeway. exterior Stein Museum day Hans and Franz. are exiting with their friends all armed. with new souvenirs and Steins they turn. a corner and enter screening room day. interior Roger Ebert let's just some.

older references here Roger Ebert famous. movie reviewer had a show uh originally. it was Cisco and Ebert yeah Roger Ebert. is watching the Hans and Franz movie. taking notes Hans fraunting their. friends all enter how do you like it. holding up quite well wouldn't you say. well not much has really happened yet I. didn't think two sketch characters.

what part are you up to angle on the. screen Ebert is up to the beginning of. this scene with Hans and France entering. and asking of questions angle on Hans. and Franz watching the scene with. interest. yeah this is this is the this is the. good part right here listen to look at. this yeah this is very enjoyable yeah. all right everyone is here let's leave. him alone yeah let's go they noisily.

exit Ebert's size then looks to camera. it is good. oh man good Lord that is low. exterior Highway later the tandem bike. rolls along it now carries 10 people. including a businessman a 10 year old. girl and the cartoon-headed mascot from. the Stein Museum dissolved to the tent. and bike approaching a signed reading. entering Hollywood Hans removes a large.

pin from behind his seat disengaging. hogs in France from the rest of the. tandem bike which splits into eight. different unicycles the others disperse. expertly pedaling in different. directions. Hans and Franz wave once more than. triumphantly ride past the sign. wow okay all right that is now Hans and. France have arrived in Hollywood that. seems as good a place as any to stop I. completely forgot because I really liked.

it now it was a nice surprise I. completely forgot that they visit Ebert. whose reviews this is like my favorite. reviewing the movie as it's happening. I guess I forgot that until I looked at. the script again I always loved the. unicycle thing where they keep taking. more and more people on the tandem place. this part of the movie was very Peewee a. big adventure influenced yeah and then. the second half I think is more. simpsonsy yes where it becomes a parody. of Hollywood but what's funny about the. way you guys edited this talk about old.

references so that scene in the diner. was like a parody of the famous it was. meant to be a parody of the famous scene. in Five Easy Pieces where Jack Nicholson. wants a certain kind of sandwich. yeah yeah I want you to take the bread. and I want you to substitute the. anabolic steroids whatever it was hold. it between your knees I think was the. thing yeah and that was in there too I. wanted to hold it but um it's just so. funny that's how old that reference is. that even your guys didn't pick up on it.

but it was a Five Easy Pieces memory. from 1973 with Jack Nicholson there's. also some Charlie Chaplin things you cut. out yeah that's true every day starts. with me telling my staff who I am. I had a late night show in the 90s. but you know when we're reading this I. could just picture it like when we were. writing it it's almost like you could. visualize it what you've done already. like picking that little pin up and. letting the unicycles like oh you know. if I was a director I'd have a close-up. on it I do think that's great that it's.

funny with the sound off I mean I think. that was probably all intentional. obviously because our voices have thrown. in Brea gadocia is one lane but then all. these physical gigs yeah so I'm glad. that you reminded me Dana you brought up. a really good point which is Hans and. Franz do a lot of boasting and a lot of. flexing and a lot of talking about how. they're gonna twist the flap around you. but when confronted by a trucker who's. saying hey is this guy giving you. problem you guys are in his face and the. minute He suggests a fight yeah you have. you want no part yeah.

right. right who those I give you kudos for. your attempt yo do you know why you're. here now on this scene because we wrote. the scene for you. don't don't press your luck my friend. yeah press 20 pounds maybe if you. threaten us we could threaten you back. and then walk away all pumped up here. and you have to look it up. I go open up the back doors of your.

truck and believe me fat would come. rolling out with love that's right. you should wear a fatty hat. all we did was scratch the surface here. uh this was our first episode you've got. to stick around because in the next. episode Arnold Schwarzenegger himself. enters the scene of course uh he ended.

up not doing that I wouldn't I know this. is Hackney but I would not want to miss. the next episode no can I just tell you. uh when Arnold Schwarzenegger came to. SNL to be in the first SketchUp I. remember that yeah first of all we. couldn't believe he wanted to do it. because basically we're making fun of. him yeah and then we realized he's. coming on the show to kill us and he. came and got us that day yeah and we. were on the set and they brought us to. his dressing room and his name was on. the door and it was so long it went onto. the wall a little bit you know and we.

opened the doors full of cigar smoke. remember that day oh yeah it's his. lounge chair he's got a big cigar one. cigar I wanted him to script he wrote. from the other and he looks through the. cigar smoke to us and he goes hello. fellas now how am I supposed to do the. accent. yeah right then we do is cool yeah. because he's he's like I said Arnold is. very pragmatic Yeah the more they they. doing me on the show and it makes it. better that I can laugh with myself you. know other other actors are very serious. but they see the joy and the comedy it.

opens up a whole new world for me yes he. was well this is he went on to be a. governor he had political instincts he. used a lot of the uh Hans and France. references too he did he did yeah I got. in trouble for it New York Times wanted. to interview me I was on a camping trip. but they said what does girlyman me. what are you trying to say I mean it. came such a big part of Pop Culture even. the astronauts in the shuttle were doing. we want the bomb you love oh and gyms. everywhere don't be a good early man I.

mean even in Argentina and some of us. the horses were doing it and mules were. all right I'm gonna break it off there. Kevin's going on one of his famous. tangents let's get him his pills uh. we're gonna be back you gotta stick. around for the second episode uh we are. reading uh Hans and Franz the girly man. dilemma the movie that was never made. that was written in 1991 we've got Dana. we've got Kevin we've got Robert Smigel. and myself but not Arnold we'll see.

we'll see if he shows up next time stick. around for that next episode yeah wow. foreign.