Taylor Tomlinson (Full Episode) | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

[music] Hi, my name is Taylor Tomlinson. and I feel gobsmacked about being Conan. O'Brien's friend. >> Gobsmacked is good. It's all good, right? >> My second choice was Flumixed. I'm. confused. >> I should have stuck with Gobsmacked. [laughter]. [music]. >> Hey there and welcome to Conan O'Brien. needs a friend. Conan here, son of. Obsessian. >> Hello. And [laughter]. >> okay,

>> business casual. >> Wow, she's out for the kill. And um of. course, Matt Gorley. Uh we [laughter]. >> we have exciting news, which is Sona. You have a book out. >> I do. >> A new book. >> Second book. Second. >> Second book. >> This is incredible. >> Yeah. >> Tell us about this book. >> Well, my first book was uh called The. World's Worst Assistant. >> Yes. Yes. And uh I agree with. everything. I agree with the title. >> Yeah. >> I agree with everything that you wrote.

>> Jesus holds. >> Yeah. [laughter]. >> Uh but that book was a big success and. uh and and really funny and cool. Now. you're back for round two and tell us. about this book. >> This one's called The World's Worst Mom. >> Yes. >> So it's pretty much carrying on with the. same theme of I don't know what I'm. doing and but this time the stakes are. higher. No offense, but the stakes are a. lot higher. >> Why do you think they're higher? >> Because they're like humans I created as. opposed to inheriting someone's someone.

else's creation. [laughter]. >> Someone else's damage. >> It's like your Frankenstein. Frankenstein's monster. Yeah. >> Yeah. Okay. I I understand that. Uh. these are your progeny. >> Yes. >> Uh this is your genetic these are your. genetic bundles. So you care about them. more than. >> my genetic bundles? >> Yeah. >> Yeah. No, you're right. They're my. genetic bundle. Those are my kids. >> That's what you call your kids. >> I do. [laughter]. >> Genetic bundle. Other genetic bundle.

Um, we get along [laughter] great. So, what what is the process of uh of. getting the word out on this book, Ben? >> Uh, well, you're not involved this time. So, like as in you didn't write the. forward. It's not about like my time. working for you. So, this is like the. first time I've done anything that's. just like me and being a mom and stuff. It's very weird and very different. When. you do their giant crowds and they shout. start shouting, "Where's Conan?". >> Yeah, people get violent. >> Guess what? That's [laughter] good. That.

That's me in the crowd, by the way. I. put on fake mustaches and ladies. bonnets. >> Where's Conan? >> Both at the same time. >> Yeah. What's going on? I am bearded men. >> I But it's I do realize I don't like. doing things without you. If that's. cool, I'm just going to ride this. >> Well, we have a good time together. >> I'm going to ride your coattails. forever. >> Yes. But you've written a very I've I've. read this book. It's really funny. Thank. you. >> And uh the artwork is great. >> That's TAC. >> I know. >> Yeah, that's TAC. And the guy who helped. me I did cuz I can't do social media.

stuff. My friend Brad helped me with. social media stuff cuz I I need help. from other people to do things. >> But um No, I mean this book took me two. years to write. When I first started. writing it, like I had my house and I. lost my house throughout the whole. process. >> So it's been really it's been really. fun. It's like a fun documentation of my. time as a mom and becoming a mom. >> Now, do you have to hit the road soon. and start uh making appearances in. different places? >> Yeah. Tonight I'm at Largo with Flanny.

>> Oh, that's so cool. >> Yeah. Yeah. And Lorie Kil Martin's going. to be there, one of your old writers who. also works with you on the Oscars. >> Lori Kil Martin, one of the best comedy. writers I know. >> Yeah. And she wrote a book called Shitty. Mom that came out a few years ago. Oh, wow. >> So, she and I are going to have like a. conversation at Largo. And tomorrow I'm. in Seattle and I'm going to see your. father-in-law. >> That's right. You're going to see Jake. Powell. >> Yeah. >> Uh uh Liza's dad who's an amazing human. being and a mean uh jazz guitarist.

>> Really? >> Really? >> Yeah. He's really talented. He's the. real deal. That's cool. >> So, um that's so cool. You're going to. be in Seattle. I love Seattle. I'm in. Seattle all the time. You're going to. love it there. >> I know. I I'm And then I go to San. Francisco. Well, Menllo Park and then. I'm going to see Veronica, my best. friend who lives out there. And then I'm. going to go to San Diego and then that's. it. That's my jam. That's my tour. >> And we did so much time in San Diego. with Comic-Con. >> Oh, that's where I met Tac. >> That's right. >> Yeah. At Comic-Con. >> That's right. >> Oh my god. I've just created your life.

>> Okay. >> You really have. I really have. >> Really? >> Well, I mean, [clears throat]. >> and remember in a good way. >> No, but life sucks. No, you're you're. [laughter] doing well. >> But remember how you met Amanda at a I. hate Con O'Brien convention? [laughter]. >> I do. That's before I knew you. But you. remember? Yeah. >> And there were like tens of thousands of. people there. That's things that thing. is so packed. >> It's I mean it's so big now that you. couldn't even meet anyone. There's just. too many people. These are back in the. like [laughter] cool the cool days when. it was really like cool to be hating.

Conan. Now kind of everyone does. [laughter] So. >> I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That. back then it was like really fringe. It. was. >> it was it was cool to hate. >> Conan. It wasn't the national before it. was cool. [laughter]. >> And so did Amanda and America. >> Uh well, congrats. >> Thanks, Cones. >> I'm proud of you. That's two books now. >> I know. What's So what's book number. three? >> I can't do this again. >> How about. >> there's so many words. [laughter]. >> When you write a book, >> heard an author.

All these words [laughter]. >> to type so many words. >> You have to put them in the right order. >> Yeah. I remember Shakespeare said that. [laughter]. all these words. How goest King Lear. [laughter]. words? >> It's like he's Hulk. >> Words hurt Shakespeare's brain. >> Shakespeare want you smash. [laughter]. Uh well, congrats. I'm happy for you.

And um I'm going to This is going to be. a great stocking stuffer. >> Okay. Yeah. for a mom in your life. >> I know a mom in my life. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. I both have a mom and I'm married. to a mom. >> Yeah, it's a lot. Being a mom is not not. easy. >> I don't I know. I'm saying. >> looks like a piece of cake to me. >> I know. >> All I know is that I'd go off to work. and when I came home, everything was. taken care of. Easy peasy. >> It can't be that hard if you got time to. write a book about it. >> Yeah. [laughter] Come on.

>> Oh god. Uh yeah, >> you should write a book. Your third book. should be all the things that went wrong. with your kids while you were writing. the second book. [laughter]. >> Just them wandering into traffic while. you're in the background. Words, words, words. [laughter]. >> All right. Well, congrats. Congratulations. World's worst mom. >> Mhm. >> Run. Don't walk to your nearest. bookstore. >> Or walk if it's safer. >> No, you should run. >> No, you should walk, too, if it's just. safer to walk. >> Sounds like pretty good mom advice.

Maybe you learned a thing or two. >> Thank you very much. Yeah. >> World's worst mom would say, "Run with. your eyes closed to [laughter] the. nearest bookstore through traffic.". >> Yeah. >> Uh, all right. Let's do this. My guest. today is a hilarious comedian. I really. admire her. She has a fantastic new book. uh out titled Actually, Never Mind, which is out now. Uh, it is a real joy. for me when she stops by. Taylor. Thomasson, welcome. [music].

I'll never forget the day I first met. you. You I was doing a tour with a bunch. of standups and they told me, "Oh, Taylor Thomas is going to come in. because one person cycled out. You came. in to join us and you show up and they. told me Taylor's here. She's in rough. shape." I don't know if you remember. this, but you were sick. >> Really sick. like crazy to get on a jet.

with someone as important as you fully. ill. Like this was precoid, so it was. like back when you were supposed to push. through stuff. >> Yes. >> But in hindsight, [laughter]. that was so disrespectful of me. >> I went in full palm handshake [laughter]. >> just like on death's door like you come. in. >> I like your stuff. >> I'm going to sit by [laughter] the. bathroom on the plane. >> You were the You were the palest. Yeah, >> she was because you are, you know, beautiful light complexion, but you.

[laughter] had you were. >> you looked like a corpse and it. [laughter] was tough. >> You weren't saying much. >> Yeah. >> And you were like, >> and I had not reached a point in my. career where I could say no to anything, right? >> There was no like take care of yourself. You know, the longevity of your career. is more important. I was still at a. place where it was like we don't know if. you're going to be around in a. [laughter] few years. You're still You. still got to prove yourself. >> I could have said to you, "I'm. concerned. I don't think you should go. out there." But I didn't say that.

>> No, you should have said You should have. left me on the tarmac. You should have. been, "Hey, uh, I'm very important and I. can't get sick.". >> Hours after I met you, my lungs. collapsed. [laughter] I had a fever of. 140, which I'm told is a record. Uh, no. But you were, uh, you know, it's so. funny because one of your. things that you've said about yourself. is you've been doing standup for such a. long time. Um, and you've said that you. just now think you're really getting. good at it. And I thought, well, that's.

insane because I saw you toured with you. so many years ago and you were. phenomenal right away. and and you I. remember at the time thinking she's a. kid. You were so young, but you were. phenomenal right away. So the idea that. you only now are saying to yourself, I. think I'm getting the hang of this is. fascinating to. >> me. >> Well, the other thing about starting so. young is people are impressed that. you're young. So that you kind of don't.

know. Like when I turned 30, people were. like, they straight up said to me like, "Oh, you're a person now." Like, "Oh, it's like like you have to be good for. real kind of, right?" And when you're. young, you're like, am I just good for. my age? Like, is is that sort of. influencing people's opinion of how. talented I may or may not be? And now. I'm like firmly in my 30s, and I'm like, okay, I think I've I think I've I've. done four specials. I think I know what. I'm doing. Uh, and to then write a book, which is something I've never done, was.

a real a real good way to bring yourself. right back down to zero and really. humble yourself and just you just kind. of have to keep doing new things that. you don't know if you're good at or not, I guess. But. >> yeah, it's so funny. I was uh I was. [laughter] talking I was talking to. someone the other day and I was like, "Oh, I I was complaining about being. young all through my 20s, like on stage, offstage. I was like, "Oh, I'm so bad at. being in my 20s." And now I'm in my 30s. and I'm like, "I'm not great at this. either." Like, [laughter] I might just. be bad at being a person. I thought it.

was the casing, but it's the meat. >> Yeah, [laughter]. >> it's the meat of me that's lacking, as. it turns out. [laughter]. Um. well I do want to uh congratulate you. because you have written this wonderful. book called Actually Never Mind and um. also I think a first on this podcast as. Matt Gorley pointed out minutes before. we started everyone comes in and they.

bring a copy of their book and it's. always the same thing. It's just the. cover because the book isn't ready yet. And so I'm always like, "Oh, wow. Alpuccino, you wrote a book." And he's. like, "Yeah, I wrote a book." [laughter]. And I I open it up and inside it says, you know, um I realized that it's a book. about a woman's menstrual cycle. [laughter]. that they've just taken any book. Yeah, I wrote it. I wrote it. >> I remember when I FIRST GOT MY PERIOD, [laughter] I WAS LIKE, WHOA. UM, but I'm.

always blown away by like what. book is inside this cover. >> But you actually got your together, Taylor. >> Well, those just came in this week. And. yeah, the first like, you know, sort of. unboxing video I had to do where I was. like, "My book comes out was not my. book. It was just a cover on someone. else's book." And so, you're kind of. like, "Hope no one can see me lying in. [laughter] the video that we're doing to. promote this." And then I did like a.

real uns. like unboxing your book and trying to. have a genuine moment with your. accomplishment but also there's a ring. light and you're like what's going to. clip the best? [laughter]. >> What how look look excited but also. moved but also grateful. >> Y. >> and and just kind of but also angles. >> Yeah. Angles. >> and it kind of ruins it the the need to. turn everything into content. Uh but it. is important. Well, uh there's so much. to talk about here. I I always like to.

start with ways in which maybe you and I. can relate. Um one is, uh you spoke for. many years about your big head. >> Yeah. >> I have a massive melody. >> and that's why I love coming in here. >> and [laughter] I and No, but this is. some place where we can bond because my. head stuns people. >> This is There's no other way you guys. can bond. This is the goto. Okay. Nothing [laughter] about going into. comedy. None of that comedy. Struggling with our. mental health. Boring.

>> Okay. [laughter] We've got giant giant. craniums. >> And um I I just I you know and I'm I. think you like hanging with me. If you. do like hanging with me, the only reason. would be because my head makes you feel. good about your. >> I [laughter] love to be in a photo with. you. I love to be in a photo with you. for so many reasons. [laughter]. Childhood hero. >> Do you guys want to hang out later cuz. our heads are normal size? >> Normal heads. >> Yeah, let's hang out. [laughter].

>> No, it's this table's segregated. >> No, I tell my friends to lean back when. we take photos. I'm not kidding. I I go. if we selfie, I go, I need you to lean. back a little. >> Come on. Just back. Yeah, >> just a little bit. It's not It's not the. most. >> Another uh area of intersection. You were not a class clown. I was not a. class clown. There's an assumption that. people like us. I was not a class clown. because, and I think you can relate to. this, >> class clowns don't really care what the. teacher thinks of them. >> and they don't care if they get in.

trouble. >> I was the exact opposite. So, I was so. interested in comedy. I love making my. friends laugh, but to me, that was. something that was reserved for outside. the classroom. >> Oh, yeah. >> And and I always used to tell people. like, "No, class clowns end up being. killed in a motel shootout." Like. [laughter]. that's what happens to class clowns. The. guy that's going like, "Hey, I just set. the clock back and HEY TEACHER, WE'RE. OUT OF HERE." [laughter]. >> They get. >> and they all have THAT ACCENT. >> WHAT'S GOING ON? FORGET ABOUT IT. >> NINE. It's so strange.

>> I I you know, but if you go back a lot. of my comedy heroes, you you investigate. and No, they were very quiet. >> Yeah. >> Uh around. So that was your story, right? >> Well, yes. But I'm surprised about you. not being class clown cuz you are so on. all seemingly all the time, you know, even if on is just like very friendly. and personable like you never seem to. like. >> shut down and you never seem to make. anyone walk on eggshells around you.

>> You know what I mean? Well, >> well, [laughter]. >> well, you know, seriously, what do you. what you guys can weigh in? Honestly, let the normal heads talk. >> When I come giving him fodder for a bit. >> Oh, okay. >> Yeah. Yeah. In that way, I we walk on. eggshells. Is that. >> He's the teacher now. There's nothing to. worry about. You know, you get to go. >> But he comes here, there will be no. cameras pointed, no microphones, and. he's just making everybody laugh. And. you're right. It just he can't turn it. off. It's like a. >> I wasn't like that. I I really did um.

separate in my mind when I was a kid. I. was ambitious. I wanted to make. something of myself and so I wasn't that. person. in a classroom. >> Well, well, what about like PE? [laughter]. >> Well, PE I got huge laughs. unintentionally. >> It's not allowed. >> I WAS LIKE, I'LL CATCH THE SPHERE. [laughter]. I'll. lack a day. [laughter]. I've aired. Um, yeah. I [laughter].

I Yeah. >> You feel like you got panced a lot. Did. you get panced? >> I pants myself. [laughter]. >> I didn't get tall. I was a late bloomer, so I did not get tall till relatively. late. >> Someone wearing knickers. >> Yeah. [laughter]. >> When did you tell they really walk on. eggshells around me? >> That's what I'm saying. Everyone seems. very comfortable. >> Yeah, they are. They are. But I but I. think you're what you were referencing, Sona, is that if you reveal some slight.

thing to me, I'll never forget it and. I'll use it as a bit. >> Yeah. >> Um and it's a little chilling. >> Yeah. Or if we wear a shirt and we're. like, we're going to be bold and wear. this shirt today. Like he'll zero in and. make fun of us. >> You can't have any distinction when you. No. >> No. No. It's like a T-Rex. I see. movement. [laughter]. >> I see movement and then I attack. >> I mean, that sounds like middle school. middle school if you wore anything. people were like. >> right. >> who do you think you are today? >> Yeah. Um, another thing we share in.

common you the first time you got drunk. was when you were 29. >> Yeah. >> And. >> and I was about to be 30. It was like. pretty close to 30 also. But. >> I was earlier than that but close. Like. I did not I mean I mean I was in my mid. till 26. I just didn't drink at all. Yeah. For years and years and years and. years and then out of college for a. bunch of years. And the people I was. around like um my writing partner was.

Greg Daniels. His idea of a good time. is, you know, let's grill that broccoli. a little. Um [laughter]. uh and. >> you drizzled olive oil on. >> Yes. Just a little. >> It's sea salt. It's thicker. >> I ran with this crowd that was so we. were like Mormons um uh predominantly. Jewish Mormons. Uh, and. >> yeah, I was in marching band in high. school. I was in marching band and mock. trial. So, it was. >> What did you play in marching band? >> Clarinet and then trumpet. >> Wow. >> Yeah. Stupid. I was bad. I faked my way.

through really every show we did. >> You just wanted a uniform. >> I did. I just wanted [laughter] that. wool. >> thick unfl. No, I did I did band from. like fifth to 8th grade because I had. to. My dad made me. And then all by the. time you get to nth grade, all your. friends are in band. are like, I guess. I'm in band forever unless I want to. start over socially and I'm not good. Yeah, I'm only funny quietly sometimes, so I can't go out there and try to make. new friends, right?

>> But yeah, I don't know. >> I was going to ask, why don't you have a. memoir yet? >> Uh, I've been asked to do it and I. >> of course numbers not high enough for. you? >> Nope. Just waiting. >> Still holding out. >> Just waiting for a couple OF PEOPLE TO. DIE. [laughter]. I'VE ACTUALLY thought of calling my. memoir I waited till they died. [laughter]. >> That's really good, actually. >> Yeah. Uh. >> that's really good. [laughter] There. goes the last one. And here's the scoop.

Uh, no. I want I I do want to write down. uh because I do have an insane I have an. insane show business story um which is. all about my. how I got a show initially. It's one of. the most improbable show business. stories of all time and people forget. that and I think younger people just. think that guy's been around forever and. is no it was just a crazy story how I. got into it and so I will write it down.

I I. >> when you see people writing about your. career though, because I feel like a lot. of people have written about your. career, are you kind of like just get. wait I'm going to do it or are do you. ever read it? Do you ever. >> I don't read a lot of stuff about. myself. Do you? >> No. No, no, no. >> I I mean I don't. um. >> but I'm far less significant and. talented so I'm not sure. It might be. different. >> Uh wrong comments or nothing. >> Wrong and wrong. Don't. That's just uh.

whatever. That's uh You're crazy. >> You're very humble. You're very humble. >> No, no, no. I'm I'm being honest. There's no difference. There is nothing. in me that's not in you. And there's You. don't look at these things because they. don't serve you. I. think I I really trust and love the. people that I work with, and I know. they're going to tell me when. something's gone off the rails, but I. don't go looking for it. Oh, we should. have done that by now. [laughter].

>> Not you. >> Oh, okay. >> Not you. I'm talking [laughter] about. Adam Sachs. >> Okay. >> And my accountant. September is National. Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, and. Team Coco is teaming up with Hyundai. Hope on Wheels in a fantastic way. Children fighting cancer are the real. warriors. That's why Team Coco is. donating memorabilia to a special. charity auction benefiting Hyundai Hope. on Wheels. Hyundai Hope on Wheels has. supported children's families, doctors, and researchers since 1998 by funding.

childhood cancer research and raising. public awareness. Check this out. Since. 1998, Hyundai has contributed more than. $33 million that helps fund research and. advanced treatments that have helped. save more than 40,000 kids. You can show. your support by wearing the blue. handprint, the war paint for every young. warrior battling cancer, a symbol of. their fight, resilience, and hope. The. auction is another way for us to get. involved in their mission and we're. honored to be able to take part in. I. like that we're doing this auction. >> and there's a lot of really good. memorabilia we have for the for the.

podcast. A lot of cool swag. >> Also some stuff that I think is unusual. and maybe fun for people to have. >> like a date with you. >> Uh no no that we've we've tried that and. we lost over $600,000. [laughter] Tell. you what some of the auction items are. Okay. A meet and greet at the next live. garage show. >> Oh nice. >> Meet Conan O'Brien. >> Yeah. And the highest bidder gets to not. meet me. [laughter]. That'll go for a lot of money. Custom. cameo style videos from Conan. That's. me. Examples could be, I don't know, a.

congratulations on a wedding, a happy. birthday message, just something fun. And I'll do that for you. We're going to. auction off a Conan sign guitar cuz. everyone knows that when you think great. guitarist, you think Conan O'Brien. A. Conan, a famous doodle. I do a little. doodly guy. >> You doodle up a storm. >> I'm quite the doodler. >> Yeah. >> And also, we're going to auction off. four signed Funko figures. >> Oh, wow. So that'll be cool. >> That's very cool. Can I just say I drive. a Hyundai Palisade? >> You do? And it's a fine looking car. >> It is. And it's really great to drive a. car that's connected to such a good.

cause. >> Yes. To drive be driving a car made by. people who are doing such a nice thing. >> Yes. >> This September, you can bid to win. exclusive Team Coco memorabilia. supporting Hyundai Hope on Wheels. Go to. the below link to bid. Wear the blue. handprint, share your mark of a warrior. on your socials, and learn more at. hyundaiwarriors.com. It's a strange moment we're in right now. where we're trying to figure out the. internet and. >> I mean mankind has been around for. hundreds of thousands of years and then. in the last millisecond we suddenly know. what everyone thinks.

>> And it's not even what they think, it's. what they're just putting out there. >> So you could read through all your. comments and the nastiest comment about. you would be by someone who doesn't. really care even that much. M. >> they just want to. >> uh. >> get get likes on the content. >> They want to get some traction. >> Yeah. >> And then if you met that person and. said, "Did you write that about me?". There's a really good chance they go. like, "No, I just I I mean, I really. like your specials." And. >> you know, so what's the point?

>> Yeah. I also think after you put out. enough things or or do enough things. publicly, you just learn that people. will say the wrong thing to your face. meaning well. So, you're like, "Why. would I go looking for mean comments. when I can't even take a compliment from. a person who cares about me?" [laughter]. >> Like, after like after you host the. Oscars, were was there like specific. compliments you want on your. performance? Do you not care? Were there. things people said that you like. >> No, I really wrong. I really care, but.

it's just always so uh um and even when. everything's overwhelmingly nice, the. thing I hear a lot, I don't know if. you've ever been around with me, Sona, when I get this, but I got it a lot for. years was um women would say to me, you're so much better looking in person. >> And I would just thought started to. think, am I a monster? Am [laughter] I. like an orc from, you know, am I this. goblin? But they [laughter] really would.

act like I that I always thought you. were funny despite your your your face. >> Okay. >> No, but you know what I mean. But that's. how you take it. >> That's how you take it, right? But. that's what I would hear is I would. think um and people would say, "How come. you don't look this way on TV?" And I. got in my head about it for a while. >> But that's everyone, right? Like. everybody looks better in person. >> I think so. >> Yeah, I agree. But also, it's the way I. don't know if your brain works like his. does, but you immediately go to like a.

negative idea. >> I can take any like today's show was. great. Well, what about the other shows? Like that's a big thing here. >> But on that comment, people do need to. learn how to compliment without having. the there be an opposite version of it. that you can read into because that that. is a weird thing to say. It's uh you. know um yeah it just it's just you know. you realize you've put yourself out. there in this very personal way which is. um there are so many things. uh I never cared about that much. I just.

didn't care. I think a lot about of. being a great athlete people. misunderstand. Yes, it's called physical. talent. you need these physical. abilities. >> But then there's another part of it. which I think is huge, which is you need. to pass. >> about where the ball is at any given. moment. >> And I didn't like I was like, "Oh, I. guess it's going over that way. Well, someone will get it." You know, [laughter]. >> uhoh, it's coming my way. I'm supposed. to do something like Well, okay. I don't.

think I have great physical skills, but. I with that attitude, I'm not going. anywhere. But the thing I cared about. more than anything else was being funny. >> And so that's where everything went just. went into that. >> So was the meanest thing someone could. say to you, >> you're not funny. Or is it not that. because you know you are? It took a long. time, but I think more lately I it's. been so shockingly late in my career,

but you know, if someone said to me now. like, "You're just not funny." I'd be. like, "Well, enough people are that I. seem to pay the rent, right, [laughter]. >> motherfucker.". >> You know, I would have more of that. attitude. But I didn't I wasn't able to. do that when in 1993. >> I'd be like, "Well, what do you think I. could get better at?". >> Yeah. No, that's how I feel, too. I'm. just like, well, I I have stuff like I I. have evidence that some people think so. It's more subjective is how I feel about. it. >> Uh and then certain But then I'll also.

I'll spin. >> positive comments negatively. Like. something lately that I've been spinning. negatively is when people say uh you. know the like the book or your specials. like, "Oh, you're so honest." And I'm. like, >> "But did you laugh?". >> But was it good? Like was it funny? Was. it what? cuz cuz to me honest is like. >> easy but it's not easy for everybody to. be honest. It's not easy to share things. about yourself and get deep and go. deeper with people. And so it's taken me.

a while to kind of accept that as a. compliment because my initial reaction. is always like oh you're saying honest. because you are trying to think of. something nice to say but you don't want. to lie is how I initially took it. Isn't. that interesting? >> We're uh we're horrible people. >> [laughter]. >> You know, I mean, >> I'm I'm taking stock of the silence. right now as everybody agrees with me. [laughter] even as everyone's going. honest is a rough one to get. Like I'm. even overanalyzing the conversation I. have about it.

>> I'm going to read a quote from your book. which says and and what I love about. your writing is you you uh you you pack. so much into like a paragraph and this. is from the opening of your book. In the. last 10 years, I have rebooted my whole. system countless times. I thought I. would graduate college and become a. teacher. I dropped out to pursue. stand-up comedy. I thought I'd get. married. I called off an engagement. I. thought I had anxiety that could be. cured by the right exercise regimen and. green smoothie recipe. I got diagnosed.

with bipolar, too. I thought I would. never come out as queer. I fell in love. with a woman. I thought I could digest. dairy. I cannot. [laughter]. Everything you said here, the only thing. that angered me is that you cannot. digest dairy. >> That angered you. >> It angered me. It angers me too. >> I think you're not trying hard enough. [laughter]. >> And it's so upsetting cuz I look like. I'm from Wisconsin. [laughter]. >> I have resting more cheese please face.

[laughter]. >> THERE ARE CHEESE companies that so want. to put your face on the label. >> I do an ad for yogurt. hairstyle. >> I know. And during CO, I had to do like. a a socials ask where they were like, "You do have to take a bite of the. yogurt." And I was like, "That will mess. me up." And they're like, "Well, it's. Greek yogurt, so it's easier to digest.". I go, "You think I haven't tried every. [laughter] yogurt? You think I. haven't I haven't turned every stone. over to make sure." [laughter]. I have. I truly have tried. And then.

once you stop having it, you're like, "Oh, this is the normal amount of. diarrhea to have [laughter] per year. It's supposed to be weird. It's You're. supposed to get to the end of a day and. be like, [laughter] "I had diarrhea. That was strange." Instead of get to the. end of the day, it didn't happen. You. go, "Whoa.". >> Yeah. [laughter]. >> What's in the air. >> when you're getting high fives cuz you. didn't have diarrhea. There's an issue. >> There's an issue. And I just thought, well, that's what happens. [laughter].

>> You would get Hallmark cards on a. diarrheareree day. [laughter]. Um, there's a lot there's so much there. I mean, what I love about that paragraph. is that so much of your book is in the. paragraph. >> You don't even have to finish the book. That's what's great about the paragraph. >> I just said that paragraph. You don't. have to buy the book. No, >> that's that's the whole book. >> Uh it is um first of all, I I did not. know you said you got diagnosed with. bipolar 2. What is bipolar 2? >> It's I mean, it's just.

>> as opposed to bipolar one. I I don't. know. >> Oh, I was like I mean it's a mental. illness. Like I was like does has Conan. [laughter] never heard of bipolar? like. how deep do I got to go? Um, I mean, the. way I understand, the way it's been. explained to me is bipolar one is mania. as opposed to hypomomania. So, you're. going between depressive episodes and. manic episodes, but mania is more. intense where usually it requires like. hospitalization or like you think you're. speaking to God or people are following. you or something like that. And. hypomomania is more like, you know,

reckless decision- making and behaviors. and like all the increased energy and no. sleep and all that, but it's not quite. as uh severe. Right. >> Um so I think it's just the less. >> intense version of bipolar one. Cue all. the comments being like, "You explained. that wrong. >> I get [laughter] so scared to talk about. anything that I'm not an expert on, which is everything except. >> How dare you?". >> Yeah. anything except Gilmore Girls. I'm. like, I misspoke. [laughter].

>> That's Gilmore Girls. >> Gilmore Girls, you're confident. [laughter]. >> Excuse me. The gazebo. was on Elm Street. And third, [laughter]. >> it's in the center of town, Conan, but. yeah. >> Um, does this resonate with you? I I. actually uh [snorts] I've thought about. this for a while and I I've talked to my. daughter about it. Um, but I I say I. think a lot of growing up and getting.

older in a good way is you finally. um find your owner's manual. >> And it doesn't mean you don't have. issues, but any great product. I mean, you could just an amazing product comes. with an owner's manual. And it's a lot. of this can do it can chop and dice. carrots at 3,000 revolutions a second. It does this amazing thing. You're. flipping through it and then you get to. the page where it says, "Keep in mind, here are the issues. You need to you. need to clean the blade constantly. because of its the steel that we use.

You need to do this has a tendency to. overheat. Uh don't put it in sunlight.". You know, you all those things. And I. think that for me, and it sounds like. it's the same thing for you, a lot of it. was just, oh, here's what I'm really. good at. here's the stuff I have to. watch out for and my tendencies and I'm. familiar with my owner's manual. Just. kind of how it feels to me. And it feels. to me like you, you know, had so much. success,

uh, which to me feels like very early in. your life, but you have worked so hard. You've had a lot of success, but you. also have a lot of stuff in your owner's. manual that says, "Look, the Taylor. Tomlinson is amazing, and here are the. things that you need to. >> watch out for. needs sleep, can't have. dairy, needs, you know, uh um. >> you can mess up the system pretty. easily. >> Yeah. Prone to this, prone to that, and. take care of those things. But it's an. amazing product, but just here are the.

things that you need to be aware of. And. I think if more people. >> accept, that's one of the things about. getting older that I like. Yes, >> you know, getting old is a uh gets a bad. rap, but I've been very pleasantly. surprised at how much happier I am when. I know, >> oh, I know what I'm doing right now. >> Yeah, >> I'm doing the thing where I'm digging. this hole even deeper and getting into. [laughter] a funk, you know, and uh and. you get a little distance on. >> Yeah. There's like an acceptance, I.

think. And I think your 20s are or at. least my 20s were just sort of. untangling all the cords. inside [clears throat] my brain and. heart and. what am I working with here and what are. the things that I'm going to have to. work on the rest of my life or keep an. eye on the rest of my life and it's like. it's something I think about a lot with. dating where and I'm kind of talking. about it on stage right now is like in. my 30s now I'm pretty I could argue for.

or against me like I I have a very. accurate view of myself and I have a a. lot of things I'm confident about and a. lot of things that I'm like, "Yeah, that'd be a dealbreaker for me too if I. was on the other side." And sometimes. they're the same thing. Like, I love. that I'm a stand-up comedian. I love. that I'm so honest on stage. I love that. I have turned, you know, things about my personal things about my. life into relatable content. I could.

also see why that would be not. attractive to somebody. And I always. thought that when I got to my 30s, I. would be just like so confident and so. like I'm amazing now. I'm inc I've. reached this peak of who I am. And. actually, it's just accepting your. strengths and weaknesses and going, "Yeah, they coexist and that's fine. And. the right people are going to. >> love me and the wrong people won't and. it's fine." Yeah.

>> Yeah. That felt too sincere. >> No, that's actually that's really good. And then you had to ruin it. >> I'm sorry. [laughter]. Clip it. Clip it right before I went. [laughter]. >> Um. >> I do have a question cuz we were talking. about your Harvard uh commencement. speech. >> and which I listened to and it was. great. >> Um but I was surprised that you hadn't. done that yet. >> Yeah. >> And that seems late. I know you did. class day which. >> I did a class day in 2000 which I really.

like but. >> a long time ago to do class that's. [laughter] they had they took 20 I don't. read comments. >> This is why I don't read comments. >> It's I'm this is me criticizing Harvard. I was I was [laughter] I just I just. thought that was so crazy to to make you. wait so long to do the commencement. Like. >> I was like looking at the list and I'm. like well yeah of course you got to have. the Obamas before Conan. I get that. But. like [snorts] they had Tom Hanks before. you. He didn't go there. >> And they had Sasha and Malia before.

[laughter]. >> They had the Uni Bomber before me. >> Like was Kazinski has done it twice. [laughter]. Uh. >> was any part of you like, "Guys, I went. here. What's taking so long?". >> Uh to be fair to them. Okay. I did the. class day and I guess that that went. really well and I thought so a lot of. time has to go cuz you you can't. And. then. >> what's class day? Class day was like. >> is that the audition for commencement? >> Uh no, but class day is the speech where. uh you're sort of it can be uh more.

comedic, you know. Um and you know. there's I think it's students it's more. about the kids. So they had me do that. Okay. Uh and then I did something for. them uh during um. >> the pand during co. >> they did something online for them. because they said the kids are all. bummed they have to leave. They're. having their virtual graduation. So I I. did that. >> Yeah. And then some more time went by.

and they thought let's get that old fool. back. >> Yeah. >> I saw you I saw that come up and I go. how many times has Conan done the. Harvard commencement? Surely it's been. three or four by now. It's a big I mean. I can understand why why you should wait. and. >> I'm putting you in a terrible position. >> No, no, no. I understand why they do it. because you you get like this. It's a. real It's a real honor to get to do. that. >> Like such an obvious choice for that. though for such a long time. >> He did Dartmouth. >> I wonder if if like having done.

Dartmouth's like they were like well we. were going to ask him but now we're. going to wait. >> Well, he should have done it before. Dartmouth asked. I mean I don't know. included Dartmouth. >> No, no, no, no. Dartmouth. >> I did research. I was really I was. >> pissed. I tell you something. [laughter]. I didn't think we'd be having this. conversation. You think Tyler THOMAS IS. GOING TO WE'RE GOING TO PROBABLY TALK. ABOUT THE HISTORY OF MY COMMENCEMENT. SPEECHES. [laughter]. Uh. >> I'm like, how was it doing that overdue. honor? [laughter].

>> You taking shots. I didn't finish. school. I don't care. I don't care what. so much better in person on [laughter]. the podcast. And why did they make you. wait? Um, listen. Uh, I am a poster boy. for good fortune and just happy it all. went my way, but you're right. They made. me wait too [laughter] long. Um, let's. get back to you. Let's get back to you. because, >> [laughter]. >> um, there's one other thing I want to. bring up that you talk about that I. totally agree with, which is birthdays. as an adult. >> and how you're just totally against the.

idea of adults. >> making [laughter] a big fuss about their. birthday. >> Are you a big birthday person? huge. birthday month. >> Birth month and it's coming up and we. all have to do her bidding when it's her. birth month. It goes on forever. People, you know, I am no spring chicken and my. sometimes friends will say to me like, "It's your birthday's coming up. What. are you going to do?" I'm like, "I'm get. closer to the grave, I guess.". [laughter]. But I feel I'm not going to put on a.

paper hat. Like to me it's just at the most if I. can have dinner with my wife um and a. glass of wine and a good pizza I'm. happy. >> Yeah. I try to work on my birthday so I. forget that it's happening. >> Now with the other perspective is. >> here's what my here's my thought about. it. It is an excuse to see people. So. it's not even like buy me dinner. It's. let's go to dinner cuz there's like I. don't even have to mention it's birth. month but I'm celebrating [laughter].

for myself with. >> they should know it's birth but you're a. bit of a tyrant about it. >> I'm not a tyrant said the tyrant. >> I'm not a ty I do on the 1st of October. My birthday is on the 13th. I am I do. text my friends and I'm like birth month. everyone. What are we doing? And. [laughter] I honestly I would like the. heads up. I think if you do care a lot. about your birthday you do need to give. your friends a heads up like that. I. think that's very considerate. >> But I I don't expect them to pay for. dinner. It's not like I'm just expecting. all this free stuff. I just want to see.

people that I haven't seen all year and. it's a good excuse to see people. >> and you're giving people the month to. make plans with you. I think I actually. that makes a lot of sense to me. I. thought it was like and Sona has this. big blowout and it's always [laughter]. Wednesday at noon and right in the. middle of the week when no one can come. and she says if you don't come you hate. me and I'll dox you online. Like that's. what I was picturing during the tyrant. speech. But that seems okay. That's how. you represent. >> here at our little company in our.

building. We um we started to group. birthdays. Yeah. >> So there's not a cake for each person. uh EB weights and when it's usually. about two and sometimes three people. when their birthdays are all within. about two weeks of each other then. there's one cake. Yeah. >> And that makes singing the song. complicated. [laughter]. >> I don't know whose name we're sing. Sometimes I don't know the name at all. >> Okay. >> Oh, I'm sorry. [laughter] Like I'm. supposed to know that person.

>> Um. >> happy birthday. Valued employee. [laughter]. Happy birthday, RANDOM BLOOD BAG. [laughter]. HAPPY birthday to you. That never goes over well. Well, I'm. sorry. Oh, it's BL. That's his name. BL. [laughter]. I'm sorry I called you random blood bag. earlier. Um, you talk a lot. It was huge impact. on your life about your mom passing. away. How old were you when she she.

passed away? I. >> You were eight. And you say that after. your mom died, you immediately started. preparing for your own death. Is that. true? >> Yeah. Yeah, I think so. I think. afterward, and I didn't really put it. together until I was a little older, but. apparently it's a very common fear um. when someone has a parent die young, they assume they're going to die at that. same age or they're going to die very. young as well. And so I had that fear I. mean up until very recently and kind of. still rears its ugly head cuz I'm not 34.

yet. Um which is when she passed. And so. yeah it's just this weird thing you live. with. Um and when I started writing the. book I mean I pitched the book as like. oh it's going to be personal essays. about all the things I've changed my. mind about because that's literally. everything you can write about anything. So when I started writing the book, the. way I did it is I just had I had Scriber. open and I just made different chapters. and titled them by like subject and then.

I just wrote kind of everything that was. significant about that subject. And I. was like, what do people need to know. about me to contextualize these other. things I changed my mind about? And I. kind of worked backwards and I was like, "Oh, the two biggest things from my. childhood that you need to know are like. I grew up really religious.". >> Mhm. >> But first and foremost, and it's why I. start the book with it, is that my. mother died very young. And that I. realized has had such a ripple effect.

throughout the rest of my life and who. I've become and the decisions I've made. and the opinions I had and the way I. approached big life decisions and and. the things I thought I had do and for. better or worse, right? Like I talk. about pretty early on in the book, I. think, about how my mom was like a. really great writer and I have some of. her writing in the book because she kept. journals her whole life and it was like. this way of publishing her and it was so.

cool to have editors be like, "Wow, your. mom was this amazing writer. That's so. wonderful." And I I just feel like I. have scraps of not just her, but my. dad's talent as well as like a. performer. And neither of them became. performers or writers. they became. parents and uh not that you can't be. both but that was their path and my dad. taught and my mom was a stay-at-home mom. and so I have spent my whole life sort. of feeling like okay I have to make the. most of the the scraps of these gifts.

that these two very talented people have. >> and I think I've stretched them pretty. far. [laughter] I think I've done a lot. with a little bit. Um, but it really is like even down to like. I talk about calling off an engagement. in the book and realizing through that. process like oh I wanted to get married. for. reasons other than oh I really love this. person like I was trying to get married. really fast because I wanted my mom's.

side of the family to know that I was. still like. maybe I didn't necessarily wasn't the. perfect Christian or anything but look. I'm married and I'm I'm doing that. correctly and my parents parents got. married young and so I feel like I. should get married young and like all. all these different things that all of. it can be traced back to losing her or. growing up idolizing her and wanting to. be more like her or feeling insecure. about the fact that I wasn't like her. because my mom was such a charismatic. sparkly like beautiful woman and it's.

just I like I don't look like her like I. really don't have I don't have that. magical quality that she had And so. I feel that it's just such a waste that. she's not here anymore that if I have. any bit of it, I'm like, why have to I. was watching uh David Cedaras on. Anderson Cooper's podcast and he was. talking about how he in writing about. his mother um because they were talking.

about how his mother died that he felt. like it was his job to make the world. love his mother as much as he loved her. >> and that he felt like she deserved the. world's love. And that's really how I. feel about putting my mom in the book. And the cover, you were asking about it. when we sat down and I gave you it. Great photo. >> The the photo is actually a recreation. of, if you look at the dedication, >> um it's a photo that I talk about in the. book of my mom sitting in the airport. and it's on the dedication page um cuz I. dedicate the book to her. >> And so from like the very beginning of.

the process, I was like, "Oh, well, I. would love it if the cover was a. recreation of that photo." And so that. was like my initial idea. We went. through a lot of different versions of. the cover. >> Oh wow. Look. >> But that's what I So that's your mom. >> That's my mom. Yeah. >> And and she was just Yeah. She looks. like. great. I think she was going on like a. speech and debate competition tournament. in college. Like she's she's much. younger than me. I know she's [laughter]. much younger than me. Um, and then the cover is also like we.

had an amazing photographer uh, uh, Cello Shalon, but this photo. specifically that got picked is a. Polaroid my sibling took at the shoot. >> Oh, wow. >> Yes. Isn't that crazy? So, it's like. really kind of amazing how it all came. together. I went on such a long tangent. Sorry. >> Do you you talk about. >> We'll edit that. We'll tighten that up. >> No, we're not tightening anything up. >> We'll tighten that up in post. >> We can't afford that. [laughter] We're. going to We desperately want to edit.

you, but yeah, we're going to loop it. >> WE'RE GOING TO ADD LONGER PAUSES. >> WE'RE GOING TO PUT [laughter] SOME air. in there. >> We're going to add some sniffles, >> some coyote sounds here and there. [laughter]. >> Um, >> we're going to add a few still going in. the background. [laughter]. >> Yeah, just muttering. Uh, Matt, what. time is it? >> You're just going to hear Sona go, uh, MY BIRTHDAY MONTH IS COMING. [laughter]. >> It is. It is. You're right. It's. October. Have you ever had a cat, Sona? >> Never. >> I have had multiple cats.

>> Yeah, >> I had a cat growing up. It was my cat. My wife and I now have three cats. >> That's a lot. >> Yeah, we have three cats and two dogs. And I have to say, the dogs are so. appreciative. >> Cats hard to win over. >> Yeah. >> Cats are cats. They're tricky. >> Yes. >> Sometimes I feel like I'm working for. them, you know? [laughter]. >> Well, Temptations Classic Cat Treats is. the solution. Okay. Temptation's classic. cat treats are the crunchy outside, soft. inside treat any cat obsesses over. Each. treat is under two calories per treat.

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satellite with capable device in most. outdoor areas in US where you see the. sky. That's important. You got to see. the sky. Service may be limited or. unavailable. Included with experience. beyond or $10 per month. Auto renews. cancel any time. That was probably meant. to be said by a robot really quickly, but I just did it slowly so you could. really understand. You talk about how. you kind of feel like you're performing. for not just your mom, but your dad, too. Like you're Yeah. Which which.

you know, my parents passed away about a. year and a half ago, but I remembered. before they died, I remembered uh. thinking, well, will I still do comedy. after my parents are gone? Because. >> that's kind of the only reason there's a. very primal reason you do it, which is. you're in your high chair. >> Yeah. >> My mom said I got a big laugh like in my. high chair and uh my mom laughed really. hard and her brother, my uncle said, "Don't laugh. He'll think he's a. comedian." And that was like in whatever.

1964 [laughter]. 65. >> That's amazing. >> Real good energy by the way. DON'T LAUGH. AT HIM. >> He'll think he's something. Um you'll. believe. >> Explains so much. >> I know. But you get that. It's I I do. think at the end of the day, we're still. I don't care. You could be 95 years old, you're still trying to impress your. parents. >> Yeah. It's Yeah. And I mean, I talk a. lot about my siblings in the book, and I. have three younger siblings, and I'm. really trying to impress them all the. time. and younger siblings are I mean.

we're all very very close but they're so. great because they really support me, believe in me, are excited for me and. they also know me so well that they can. roll their eyes at me at the right. moments too and be like you're being a. lot like come on just you are a lot. >> and I am a lot and also they can go hey. slow down and enjoy this cuz this is. cool. So, I think they keep me very. grounded in a way that is just like I'm. so grateful for it because I think it's. it's so special. Um, so yeah, I keep.

thinking of other questions I want to. ask you, but they're nothing to do with. my book and my publishers will be mad if. I'm just like, "So, Toy Story 5, [laughter]. >> why did they wait so long to ASK YOU? >> WHY not first Toy Story or Toy Story 2. OR [laughter] THREE? AND THAT IS [laughter]. As a matter of fact, no, I actually do. have questions about that because Toy. Story is very important to me. I love.

Toy Story. Cool. Okay. >> And I So when they asked you to do it, was it like no-brainer, of course you're. going to do that, or were you like, let. me look at my schedule like, >> are you kidding? Well, they came to this. building and I and. >> they came in person. >> They came in all the toys. Put it in. Buzz. >> Wood and Buzz came. Um the dinosaur was. rude. Uh. >> he would never. >> But we [laughter]. we um they said they they came up they. went and they went up to my office which.

is not big. It's just we're sort of in. like a kind of a house. >> We get it. You're a man of the people, Conan. [laughter]. >> It's a small It's a small office. >> It's a very small. >> And I was just happy to be asked to do. the commencement. >> I had a little candle [laughter] and I. took them up the staircase and there's a. mouse at the top of the stairs. I give. him a little piece of cheese. [laughter]. So, we went in my office and they they. uh they, you know, laid out what the. story was and it's Toy Story 5 and. here's your part. And then at the end,

they went, "So, what do you think?" And. I went, "What do you mean? What do I. think? It's Toy Story.". >> I like that they they properly pitched. you. >> They pitched me, but I thought, "You. don't need to pitch me. You just have to. say, you know, you play a urinal cake in. Toy Story 5." [laughter]. And I'll be like, "Yes, okay." It's just. yes and. But yeah, it was. >> and it was a big part. I mean, it was. bigger than I thought. Yeah, >> it was not a cameo. It was a roll. >> Yeah, it was really fun to do. >> Come on, roll. Come on, guys. [laughter]. >> No, sorry. That was dumb. That was dumb. Cut it. >> Cut it, please.

>> Nope. Loop it. Loop [laughter] it. >> Loop it. >> Loop it. Move it up. We're going to open. with that. [laughter]. >> So, Taylor, congratulations on the book. Yeah. Yeah. What are you? Toy Story. A. roll. A roll. A roll. [laughter] A roll. A roll. A roll. A roll. A roll. roll. [laughter]. >> That's my rap sound. Winkle winkle. >> Have you been happy with the reception. to your character? I listen to. [laughter] the I listen to the jokey one. where you're like and it's about this. and I should get a cut of the merch and. I know you were doing a bit but like.

genuinely. >> people seemed real happy and mostly I. just love it when kids are happy like. kids were laughing a lot. So I think I. think if you can make a kid laugh that's. still I mean I I I know that there are a. lot of humorists and people with a. satist and I think I'm a clown. I I if I. can make a kid laugh that is my biggest. joy. >> My daughter loved it and I forgot to. tell you this. You know when she came in. when we did our summer spouses thing and. we left I said well what did you think? Did you like that place? What about my.

boss? And she goes does that man live. there? [laughter]. My boys are just discovering that you're. funny and they're just like, "He's. funny." And I'm like, "Yeah, he made a. whole career out of it." But you they. don't know that. You know, to you to. them, you're just the voice of Smartyp. Pants. >> Yeah, it was fun. It was fun because. when I went to when I saw it for the. first time and it was an insane. experience cuz they invited us all to. this premiere and then um Taylor Swift.

>> Yeah. >> Is it the premiere? And suddenly I'm. chatting with her and getting my picture. taken and I'm like ter this is crazy. because I didn't realize she was going. to be there and then I'm watching it. with your boys and the only time I. became enraged is when they both said. they they separately needed to use the. bathroom at different times [laughter]. minutes apart. >> We were in the middle of the aisle. I. walked in front of Conan and Tim Allen. to take him to the bathroom. Then I come. back and the other one a few minutes.

later he's like I have to go to the. bathroom. I'm like son of a. During your part of the movie? >> During the whole movie, it was just like. the movie was happening and they just. both needed to go at different times. >> I thought you were going to say it was. during your scenes. >> Oh, I'm sure they missed it probably. Yeah, it was. >> because they had to, you know, and uh. >> Tim Allen was furious. He had a stick. and he was trying to hit them. [laughter] Remember, >> poking at them. >> Yeah. A giant He walks around with a. giant stick and swings [laughter] at. kids. >> And it's not a cane. He's not holding.

himself up. It's a weapon. >> It's a stick. [laughter] It in no way. aids his mobility. >> specifically for poking kids. That's his. kid poking skill. >> All right, we're going to have to wrap. this up because we've gone to epic. lengths here today and I'll tell you. why. Because yeah, sorry. That's the. right because you are uh you are an. absolute delight. You really are. You. know that. And I am, you know, I say. this sometimes to uh much younger uh. performers like yourself and I just say. I'm really proud of you because you are.

such a good person and you've been dealt. a lot and you've handled it beautifully. and you've written this beautiful book. >> and I'm just delighted to know you, Taylor. Seriously, >> that's really nice. Thank you. >> And just keep um and you know, mom, dad, they are proud of you. you've done an. amazing amazing job and just keep doing. what you're doing and take care of. yourself. >> That's so nice. Thank you. And I have. been dealt a lot. And one of the things. I have been dealt, as we've talked about.

before, is when I went on tour with you, you made me choose between two American. Girl dolls. >> Yeah, I did. >> And told me the other would be melted. down. >> Yeah. I said it would be killed. >> You said it would be killed. And you. didn't kill it. And that was nice. And. but that [clears throat] was pretty. formative for me because I was an upand. cominging comic. Again, you're one of my. comedy heroes. I'm being put on the. spot. And [laughter] you know, >> we were in a giant tour bus in Chicago. in Chicago. >> And we pulled over. I know we talked. about this once before, but pulled over. and and we got these two American group. cuz you said you never got one. So, we.

got two of them and then I made you. choose and pulled them in front of me. >> I [laughter] said the other one would be. killed. >> You did it. Sophie's. >> and I didn't I did and I [laughter]. didn't have American Girl money back. then, >> but I'm doing pretty well now, Conan. Okay. So, >> what? >> I thought that maybe today. we'd make you choose an American Girl. doll. [screaming]. >> And what happens to the one I don't. choose? >> Wouldn't you like to know? [laughter].

>> Well, I I would already choose. It's. Sona when she was eight. >> Oh my god. It was. >> so that that doesn't seem like Will she. stand on her own? >> Somehow more me than you. [laughter]. >> I love this. Sure. You can get. acquainted and I brought you their books. >> cuz I know you haven't read them. >> Um [laughter] I love how there's a. backstory to these. >> Yes. There's there's a series of books. >> These are the first. >> of Kirsten and Molly. >> This is Molly.

>> This is Kirsten. >> And these are OG ones. >> Yes, these are OG ones. >> These are OG American Girl. I remember. these. Yeah, I remember. I very vividly. remember Molly. >> Yes, me too. Molly was. >> just this this tableau right now is just. disturbing. [laughter]. >> Which will I choose? >> And we we had to assemble. I mean, they. came like Molly didn't have her glasses. on when they came in the box. >> Oh, man. >> And the way my sibling and I freaked out. when we thought she came without.

glasses. They were in a little case. We. opened it. WE GO, [laughter]. "WHAT? But we can't take her in without. her glasses." We [laughter] were. furious. But then we found it and it's. okay. God be you got on the phone and it. was recorded and you were screaming. profanity [laughter]. >> a an American Girl call center. What the. [laughter]. >> So this is the first the first book is. Meet Kirsten. Okay. >> And she just made a dangerous journey on. a small ship from Sweden in 1854 to make.

a new life. >> in America. M. >> And so that's her. And that you you will. never forget it was 1854 cuz she comes. with a little thing. Her her uh. accessories she comes with were a. bonnet, this little 1854 thing, and a. wooden spoon, which I thought was. strange. >> Wooden spoon. >> Yeah, cuz she's not She's carrying. flowers on the front of the book. >> What a journey you took. >> It was incredible. >> We thought that was an interesting. choice. >> And then Molly Destiny is laid out.

>> When was Molly? Molly is What's very. funny about the back of Molly's book, we. were reading it today, is and it's on. the website as well, is it's in 1944 and. the world is at war. >> Oh yes, Molly's [laughter] my girl. And. the first half is about how terrible it. is. And then it's about Molly's homemade. Halloween costume is a huge success. >> until her pesky little brother plays a. mean trick. And you're like, "Wow, they. really went [laughter] from the world is. at war.

>> to Molly's costume needs to be done. >> Where is she living while the world is. at war?" That would be an important. detail. American Girl, right? Yeah, [laughter]. she's not. >> American girl at least. >> Not in the tunnels of. >> It doesn't say it on the back. I should. have looked that up. I It did. I do have. it somewhere. >> Well, she's got it. So, I mean, she's. she's. >> she's living a good life. She's not. living in Berlin. >> You can tell. >> I mean, she of privilege. She ranks of. privilege. No, I don't think [laughter]. she does. >> I think she's more she's more normal. I.

don't know why I'm saying. >> those were done by a server. >> Okay, I have my answer. You already. know. >> Yeah. Oh, this is what made me like Molly. She's not very good at math. >> Yeah. [laughter]. >> My god, this is me. >> Dislikes turnups and is afraid to swim. underwater. [laughter]. >> Okay. Oh, >> so that's Molly for you. >> But guess what? I This is a really tough. choice. >> Can we all guess who you're going to. choose? >> Yes, I would love to know. >> He's choosing. >> No, cuz then you're going to be a. contrarian. >> No, he's thinking he's he relates to.

Kirsten. >> She's a World War II baby. >> Can I say something? >> It's so clear. Listen, you've had a long. journey and you've got and you've got a. wooden spoon, but that's not a fun, you. know, toy. You know what I mean? It's. just not. >> No, it's not. >> It's not. I have a wooden spoon. I don't. care. >> Her [laughter] description is like she's. burdened by helping her mother. >> And where does she where does she come. from? She comes from You come from. Sweden. Why did you leave Sweden? >> I know. >> You guys make just incredible stuff.

You've got a beautiful country. You get. to bike anywhere you want. >> Why is he talking to it? It's [laughter]. unbelievable. YOU'RE LIKE, I'VE GOT TO. GET OUT OF THIS HOLE AND GO TO. AMERICA WITH my spoon. [laughter]. YOU UP. YOU UP. [screaming] GET OUT OF HERE. [laughter]. OH MY GOD. >> YAY. >> I would have picked Molly, too. >> Yeah, she's got glasses. I love an. accessory. She's got This is great. And.

look, her purse. A very smart little. purse. You can keep things in there. >> She's just the right age to be the bad. seed, too. >> Yeah, exactly. [laughter]. >> Well, they're all nine. >> Okay. >> They all start nine. Yeah, I looked it. up. >> They're born nine. [laughter]. >> I win. I win. Yay. >> I lied. I was born in San Francisco in. [laughter] 1984. >> Do some Republican. >> Blaze matching Kirsten. >> Look at that. >> That's so cute. I have the boxes, too,

if anyone wants to put them in a box and. take them to a kid. >> Well, no, I'm not giving this to a kid. >> It's 2026. I don't know what two. daughters. [laughter]. >> Yeah. No, I'm sorry. This Molly lives. here for the rest of her days. >> She's got to be in the studio. >> She's got to be in the studio in the. corner. >> Hereditary style. >> Yeah. [laughter] Whoever I'm talking to, she's way back here. [laughter]. >> She scuttles along the ceiling. It is. hereditary. She scuttles on the ceiling. >> [laughter].

>> Once per episode, she just goes along. with. >> Or else, I'll just be talking to someone. and having a really intense conversation. and then. >> just comes up in [laughter] the. background. >> Can she do the wrap it up motion with. her hand? >> Um, you know what? Thank you. And what's. the name? Do you still have your doll or. did you shred it? >> Yeah. Samantha. >> Did I shred it? >> Shred it. [laughter] She had She had an. American Girl shred. >> She She had an American Girl shredder. How' they make one? >> They make those. [laughter].

>> I did. I said, "Oh my god, thank you so. much, Conan." And then they took the. cameras down and I went, [snorts] "All. right." Well, >> one of my favorite. >> it was that good for. >> One of my favorite remotes that I ever. did that people talk to me about all the. time is talked to me about it. >> American Girl doll store where I got. drunk where I got drunk on white wine. and my doll turned out to be this insane. fascist. [laughter]. >> Yeah. And I swear to God, I look at that. and I know that I I really am talking to. the doll. I'm not even doing a bit in.

that moment. >> when things got weird. I really the doll. would took over. >> and I don't know what else to say. It. was real. Um, all right. Actually, never. mind. Amazing. Taylor Tomlinson. Incredible. Please come back soon. Come. see us anytime. >> And uh, I'm really happy for you. >> Thank you for having me back. This was. so nice of you to have me back on for. this. Really, >> we liked it. [laughter].