Steven Wright Isn’t As Laid-Back As People Think | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

Hi, my name is Steven Wright, and I feel. uh anxious about being Conan O'Brien's. friend. That's the most honest way anyone has. opened this I mean, technically, it's. not honest, but I thought it would sound. I thought it. I thought it would sound weird. You have. one of the most iconic voices in comedy, and I'm not even talking about your. perspective, which is iconic, but just. when you talking.

Um you're such a delight to me. Every. time I've had the chance to interview. you, I think my heart. beats maybe 200 beats a minute, and I. think yours beats during leap years. Once. And I've always loved the contrast. when I get to talk to Steven Wright. Uh. I'm. you know, a Tasmanian devil,

and you are um a moon rock that's seen. it all. It's really beautiful. rock that's seen it all. Yeah. Yeah, you have. Well, you know, uh I'm lucky I sound. like this cuz obviously, I'm not doing. this. This is how I sound, and it's. contributed to my whole career by. complete accident. Yeah. I mean, this is. just accident. But I'm not Even though I. sound like this and I appear to be so. laid-back, I'm not as laid-back as you. might think I am. I'm not like you. I'm.

not like Like I'm not like like you. know, like like on you know, I'm but but. my mind is going. you didn't finish that thought. Cuz um That wasn't That wasn't going to. be. sentence is I said, "No, no, no, no." On. one of. On one of my first jobs, a writer named. Steve Barker, who was from the deep. south, he looked at me one day, and he. used to drink like whiskey out of his. desk, and he just took a long sip of. whiskey, and he went, one day O'Brien you're going to blow and. you're going to leave a nasty stain.

Cuz he was I was like 22 but bouncing. off the walls. But anyway, you said. you're not as laid back as one might. think you are. What do you mean by that? is going faster than than my. being to the outside world. Like I can I. exercise every day on my exercise bike. or real bike. I can get off the bike, get a phone call and hello. Oh, did you. just wake up?

Right. I just got off the bike for 40 minutes. on the bike. Right. So. I can't imagine you. like. I can tell you are. what you know, you're tight. If we were. made If we me and you were made out of. bamboo Mhm. Yeah, I think about this all the time. Okay, let's continue that. If you and I. were made of bamboo bamboo poles like 20. each person had with 20 to make a person. and they they have to. wrap them around to hold them together.

Yours are wrapped. tighter Yes. So mine mine are loose. Yours rattle a. bit when you shake them. Yes. And mine. feels like one solid I'm basically. there's so it's wrapped so tightly I'm. like a steel pole. Yes, you you would use you would use. your version to drill for oil. Yes. I've always thought I've always seen you. like. Can I tell you Steven if I've heard this. Can I just say if I've heard this once. I've heard it a thousand times.

I eat so many people in my life and so. like do you have a second when I'm in. the street? If you and I were bamboo. you're wrapped so tightly they'd use you. to drill for oil. And I go I know, I. know. And Steven I finish their sentence. I go. I know and you'd drill for oil. All the time. Oh my god. Um Oh. I'm going to embarrass you really. quickly and then we can move on cuz. you're not going to like this, but. uh I am hard-pressed to think of anybody.

who tickled my mind more when I was very. young and just interested in I mean. you know, early 1980s, I'm 18, 19. and uh you explode on the scene. and. I it was such a revelation to me that. somebody could be so funny and so smart. in such an original way. It was very. inspiring to me and to.

uh I mean tens of thousands of people, not just from my generation, but. generations going on. And I don't know if you're aware, I know. you're a very humble guy, but I don't. know if you're aware how much you. changed things. I hear about that I've influenced. people. I've seen younger people. uh. that I can tell are influenced by me, but that's very nice of you to say that. Very nice. And I feel very lucky because. I didn't. like I'm this is how I think, that's how.

I write, this is how I speak, and it. just it just fell together, you know? There was no plan. If I do it like this, like this, then I'll be this different. guy. It was like go to the open mic. night and think, "Okay, I'm going to go. back in 2 weeks." Watch the open mic. "I'm going to go back in 2 weeks." I. wrote stuff I never written anything, so. I wrote it during the 2 weeks and I came. back and then I was saying it. Like I. mean, a lot of my half of it didn't. work, but. the distinctness is completely.

it's like by accident. It's like a. fingerprint. Like your brain has a. finger Everyone's brain has a. fingerprint. And I'm so lucky that the thoughts and. the way I speak went together. And I'm. also lucky that that clicked with the. audience cuz I don't I he have another. way to do it. Right. Right. But thank you. Thank you very much for. the compliment. Well, I Another thing is. when you're doing it, you're not. thinking of a young kid watching it. You're just trying to make the audience. laugh. You're trying to do a good TV.

appearance. You're not thinking of a you. know, 14-year-old people. You're not. thinking that. No, of course not. I mean, if you are, there'd be something wrong with you if. you're. If every time you performed, you were. thinking of a 14-year-old boy, Steven, that would be a real problem. Are there any boys out there watching? Hey, take it easy, Steven. Any little BOYS WATCHING? OH. I'M GOING TO BE arrested and I I didn't. even say it. I didn't even say it. No,

you kind of did say it. And that hat you're wearing's real. skeevy. Um, just saying. The hat goes with the whole thing. Does it say that? Does it say that? Here Okay, here's the Here's the thing I. want to zoom in on. What I want to zoom. in on that's important to me is that. yes, your brain is different and you. have this way of seeing things and you. come along at this certain time. The hard part is when you get up.

and you're in the clubs, there is a very powerful powerful. powerful force that makes people want to. conform because there's a way to be. that's a little safer if you're in front. of an audience. And. you clearly, whether you want to. acknowledge it or not, are brave because. you got up, this is the way you were. going to do it, and I'm sure there were audiences that. didn't know what the hell was going on.

initially, but you kept going. You see what I'm. saying? That's the part that's not a. complete accident because you didn't. say, "You know what works? It works when. you get up and go, "Hey, hello Boston.". And then you have a joke, you know, and. then I do some stuff from local local. humor, and I kind of joke about the. socks, and I get them on my side, and. then I'll try and go into this stuff. You knew that now that's not going that. we're not doing that. Well, I didn't think of it to not do it. I didn't even think, "Well, I'm not. going to do that." It just came out like.

it like it happened. It's just so it but I made up rules. I. had these four rules that I wouldn't do. That was on purpose to not. to say like a little separated. What. were the Can you tell us the rules? No. What Do you want to tell you my rules? Yes. I have I have 10 of I have 10 of them. You have 10 of them? Yeah, thou shalt. not kill. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's. wife.

Um and maybe you should think about my. 10 rules. Your rules are much more known. than mine. I love if your rules are just about. comedy, but you're a sociopath about. everything else. It's hilarious. What the are you. doing? I I was going to say when you said thou. shalt not kill, I don't have that. You come in, your hands are all dirty, there's this there's a shovel in the. back of your car. Very strict rules about non-topical. comedy. Very strict. Hey, what happened.

to that lady? Don't ask. Oh my god.