Sona Pitches Conan’s “Heated Rivalry” With Timothy Olyphant | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

All right, it's time for part two. Of what we discussed last week. It. started as a massive argument. It's It. was very intense. We were all shouting. and screaming at each other. Um but it. led to Blay reforming his ways, becoming. quieter, more soft-spoken, more. thoughtful. And out of that new persona came a. decent pitch. He said, "Hey, Blay, why. don't you repeat it?" Uh my pitch was. >> [clears throat]. >> Oh, man. >> He's still learning. No, he's doing it. >> Oh, hold on. I'm going to I'm taking the. >> Don't let Don't listen to her. Last week. you guys said I should lean back and I.

should be softer and not grip the mic. Uh and so I'm going to do that. I. [clears throat] hate this. No, I like. it. My pitch last week was uh you had. said you were in the movie If I Had. Legs, I'd Kick You as a dramatic role. And you had said you're not looking for. any more dramatic roles. So my pitch was. like Daniel Day-Lewis coming out of. retirement, what kind of role would you. come out of retirement for to. what new. This is not a Oh, you know what? You. almost had it. It's okay. What What This.

is You know what? This is a new persona. and those take time to get used to. >> What role would you What dramatic role. would you do next if you were. >> We got it. We got it. You could have. ended the sentence there. >> Okay, look what you guys did. >> But I did it softly, right? >> you did to my boy. >> Yes, I did it softly. You know what? I. like it when you're inarticulate. quietly. >> Okay. Um I'm just saying I did do it. softly. Yeah. Yeah. >> And lean And I leaned back. Okay. >> Good. >> Very good. We're done with that. >> Okay, sorry. >> Let's get on to the idea. It's all. >> yes. >> The idea involves me and I think it's. worthy of discussion. >> [laughter].

>> Um. well, famously Daniel Day-Lewis has. retired I think several times from. acting. And when he And when he does, he. doesn't just, you know, mow the lawn. Uh. he's very interested in I think making. shoes. He's a cobbler. And I've actually. driven through the town in Ireland where. he lives. And he makes shoes. So if you. can imagine and he makes them the. old-fashioned way. Uh and that's what's.

fascinating to me is that this maybe our. greatest actor in the world makes shoes. when he chooses not to act. So let's. have everyone imagine that I I completed. my role in If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You. And uh I've retired to my small village. And I make uh late 19th century. prosthetics for people who've lost their. feet in a mining accident. And that's. just my hobby. And so people come in and. they say, "I lost my foot." And I say,

"Ah, sit there and have some cider." And. then I I do various measurements and. then I. >> While they wait? >> While [clears throat] they wait. And I. say, "And you know what they have While. they're waiting, they have to live off. only cider.". >> [laughter]. >> And then I go into the woods. uh with like a 19th century saw and I. pick out the best old tree I can find. And I fell a giant tree, a massive. beautiful tree that's been around for a. thousand years. And then I take one tiny. piece of it for a finger. >> [laughter].

>> For a toe that was lost by this guy. And. then I go back and while he's dying now, cuz it's been a while. I had to go to a. tree in the Pacific Northwest and he's. in Jersey. But I will I will craft that. And that's. what I do. But then. one of my fans has a great idea for a. role I should play. And it pulls me away. from uh my my craft. And I come back to. the world of acting and people are just. as excited as when Daniel Day-Lewis.

reenters. Just as excited. This is an. alternate universe where that would be. possible. Got you. Yeah. So I guess. >> can fell a tree. >> [laughter]. >> Listen, I've read a lot of book Sona. [laughter]. I've read a lot of books about manual. labor. Okay? I I just finished a book called. Exertion. >> [laughter]. >> And so I'm quite I'm quite certain that. when the time comes for me to do. something with my hands or body,

>> [laughter]. >> I will know how to do it. Long hours in the libraries. Um. >> [laughter]. >> So that's what we're talking about, I. guess. Is. what role would I What role would I do? And I guess we're going to turn this out. to the fans, right? >> can do that, but we can discuss it among. ourselves. >> it first among ourselves and then maybe. it will end with a a challenge to the. fans. Tell me what role I should play. >> Yeah, maybe there'll be some good ideas. we can discuss at a further time. But. the one staring us right in the face is. that is Pippi. Pippi [laughter] Longstocking. Yeah. Me.

play Pippi Longstocking? Is that what. you were going to say? >> No, but that's pretty good. >> Pippi Longstocking is Well, okay. Pippi, refresh my memory cuz I'm sure. you're going to know about Pippi. >> talked about Pippi in an ordinate amount. of times on this podcast for some. reason. Well, [laughter] we have. There are There are certain topics that. naturally draw humans to conversation. >> Do you know that we talked about it so. much so that they did a documentary on. her in Sweden and they reached out to me. because of this podcast and I'm on that. that documentary talking about my.

experience with Pippi. >> That warms my heart. Well, Sweden, we're. thinking of you and. >> [laughter]. >> thanks for the work. Uh yeah, I mean me to play is Pippi How. old is Pippi? Is Pippi in her 20s? >> No. >> Teens? >> No, I mean Yeah, she's like 12 or 13. maybe. >> 12 or 13. I thought she was super. strong. >> She is. Do they ever explain why she is. so strong? >> think they do. >> like it's the she's far from the red. sun. >> No, that's Superman. >> Yeah, okay. All right. >> just got magical kind of strength. It's.

just like wonderful youthful. >> Wow, what a great What a great origin. story. >> [laughter]. >> Hey, this is who I am. Quit asking. >> I could be wrong. I DON'T KNOW. HOW DID. GREEN LANTERN HEY, [laughter]. this is what I do. Leave me alone. My. experience with Pippi is only the dubbed. American versions of the Swedish movies. So I don't even know. Well, anyway, no, it's not going to be Pippi because I. don't think I can play a 11-year-old. girl. >> The one I was thinking of is this year. specifically they have to cast a new. James Bond, you know. Uh Well, that.

would. >> I'm not suggesting that. >> Okay, okay. >> I'm just saying let's get Let's take it. off the table. >> Uh well, are they looking at. long in the tooth Irishman who flipped. who flipped in America for a couple. hundred years? I guess Pierce Brosnan's. a long in the tooth Irishman. They could. just go back to him. >> get Yeah. >> Can you be suave and British? Oh, come. on. >> even do a British accent? I've never. heard you do a British accent. >> Well, first of all, does he have to be. British? Distinctively. so, yeah. I mean, that's the one thing. he has to be to be British. >> they're looking They're going to make.

changes. You know, Bond has to change. with the times, right? So I'm thinking. of a Bond who's from just outside Boston. in Brookline, Massachusetts, okay? >> off. You know, they considered Burt. Reynolds. They screen tested James. Brolin. They considered Adam West at one. time, too. Oh my god. >> Yeah. Well, they dodged some bullets. there, probably. >> Uh I mean, and I love those guys. I love. everyone you just mentioned. But yes, it. has to be British. Has to be British. No, there's no way I could be James. Bond.

Because yes, I have. I think I have the suave sophistication. and I think I have the temperament. I. think my fight scenes would be quite. unusual. >> [laughter]. >> Um and I love that my Bond would be a. Bond who anytime he has to use the. gadget calls Sona. >> [laughter]. >> and asks Sona how to use the gadget. >> Yeah. But in real time. Like I'm. fighting the Russian agent and I call. you to figure out how to use the thing.

in my watch that turns it into a garrote. so I can strangle him. And you have to. walk me through it. >> And you call me and. >> the app. >> I don't pick up. And then. >> I call David. >> you call David. David doesn't pick up. Then you start like doing all bits on. our voicemail and then you die. Yeah. Yeah, this [laughter] isn't a. >> It's going to be the shortest James Bond. movie. >> Yeah, but then the end of the movie is. just playing all the bits that I did on. the phone. You mean [laughter] like. Cannonball Run bloopers? Yes, exactly.

Just bits, bits, bits. And people people. say like the movie's terrible, but stick. around for the credit bed because those. bits with Sona and David are okay. >> [laughter]. >> All right, so let's take Bond and Pippi. off the table as much as we don't want. to. Yeah, my my question was if there. was a biopic you would do. >> All right. >> And then I thought like, oh, but then. you'd want it to be like Lyndon Johnson. >> Slenderman. [laughter] Treasury. Secretary. >> Slenderman. Yeah. No, I mean, I That's a really good question. Who I.

don't know what historical figure I'm. most like. I'm the exact height. uh of Lincoln. Speaking of Daniel. Day-Lewis though, would you be ready to. come on the heels of that recent film. and try to one-up it? >> Okay, I have problems with his LINCOLN. OH. I DO. AND HE'S A GREAT and he I. thought he nailed it in a lot of ways, but I didn't see him ever look to camera. and like make faces or anything. >> [laughter]. >> I didn't see him once. That's what you. would bring to the role. I would step I. I Yeah, I I would do a lot of I do a lot.

of breaking the fourth wall. >> camera. Let's see a little Lincoln. Well, I guess I got to go to the. theater. Ah, might not be a good idea if. you know what I mean. All right. You know? Um Do you know what I mean? Yeah, Lincoln knows what's going to. happen. >> Yeah, he knows, but he thinks it's all. kind of fun. >> [laughter]. >> You know? And um. Yeah, it's like, "Should I go to the. theater? I could get shot." Well, it's. Our American Cousin. Uh it's pretty funny, maybe worth it.

Oink. You know, he he's he knows what's. happening and he's kind of okay with. >> sitting in case anyone's curious. >> Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, I think there. are many similarities between Lincoln. and I. I think we're both kind of tall, rangy, sharp-cheekboned. uh guys that just stepped out of the. prairie and and and gave a new hope of. freedom to America. Um depression. We both have. >> ahead and take that off the [laughter]. table. Okay, no Lincoln. >> Pippi and James Bond is more likely. Okay. Yeah.

no I don't know what I would do. Oh, one. idea is. you know they get the opposites. They. get two guys who are completely unlike. each other to be in a cop movie. And. I've often thought what if. me and Olyphant were in a movie and it's. a cop movie and you know he's. he's the he means Tim Olyphant so he's. incredibly cool and he knows what he's. doing and then I'm the guy who.

let's face it shouldn't be there. So. it's that kind of thing. What do we. think? I like this. I really like that. idea. Just so Olyphant can come in here. and like. pitch not pitch the movie but like. promote the movie and stuff. Two cops couldn't it be that he's a cop. and you're like an insurance adjuster. that he has to almost midnight run style. has to get you somewhere. How about. this? Closer to reality. He's a cop and.

I know this has been done a million. times is the actor who has to sit go on. some ride alongs with him. That's been. done a lot. But not for a movie has it? Yeah, yeah. I think 55 times. But anyway. that is not the way we go. I'm a. podcaster. We we take it home to what we actually. do. It's closer to home. So I'm a podcaster or a former late. night host. But I think podcaster puts. us more in the zeitgeist. So are you.

doing a true crime podcast where you've. got to ride along with this guy cuz. that's the way to go. Yeah, and then. yeah. But I'm real yeah, exactly and I'm. and I'm always but also I'm always I've. got my equipment my podcast equipment. and so there's that comedy there's. there's me constantly bothering him. Oh, I'm thinking right now only murders in. the building is about podcasting. There's everything's about podcasting. now sadly. Okay. That does that bumps me.

out and I and I know those guys and some. say I really inspire them. >> [laughter]. >> I think I'm sounds like they're. inspiring you right now. [laughter]. Yeah, I don't know if I'm a podcaster. then. I don't know. How about a. journalist? Boring. Okay. Boring. [laughter]. Okay. Yeah, I'm a contest winner. I don't know. there's got to be a reason why a guy. like me is riding around with Tim. Olyphant who's a really good detective. or cop but we'll figure that out. I.

know. What? He he has been accused of. maybe some going over the line. He's a. bit of a loose cannon. He's a he's a. quiet kind of cool loose cannon and. you're the IA internal affairs guy that. has to follow him around to see if he's. actually going too far. You get loose. cannon though from I get I get when he's. in here definitely. Yeah, that's true. But I don't mean. loose cannon that he's crazy but like a. Martin Riggs from Lethal Weapon like he. could crack or he could go too far and. be a vigilante you know like he could. administer his own justice and you have.

to figure this out. I'm just not sensing. it. I don't think you have it. I don't. think and and this is but I just want to. say that pitch was what we're trying to. get Blade to do right? That kind of. style you know. Just just how it was delivered you know. what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Your pitch your pitch style was. terrific. Your pitch style was terrific. The pitch itself was you know a rotted. corn on the cob but I don't think it's. quite right. Yes, I I have I have a quiet pitch which is. going off your idea. There is a hostage.

situation and you're the hostage. negotiator brought in but it's your. first day. Okay, I'm just trying to think of. something that jumps out at studio. executives and by the way studio. executives today who are on the ropes. what's working? Nothing's working and. you come in it's got to be something. that makes their minds explode. Now. first of all you say you've got Tim. Olyphant they're interested. Then you. say Conan O'Brien's involved too. They're they're very excited. You know, very excited.

And and listen no offense to Tim. Olyphant and Tim's a good friend of. mine. But yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I was going to say with your. hostage when I I'd rather the hostage be. a woman so that they can do it. Like the whole thing is how do we get. Tim Olyphant like to do it? This victim. hostage woman is her captor? That's the. biggest case of Stockholm Syndrome I've. ever. >> [laughter]. >> No one. who goes to a Conan O'Brien movie. expects or wants to see sex.

So this is for the rare moviegoer who. hates the idea of sex and never wants to. see it. You're not in. you're an extra. So you're like only. show up for a second and then the rest. of it is like people doing it with each. other. Studio executives who are on the ropes. right now are looking to maybe make the. next heated rivalry. so maybe it's a Conan Timothy Olyphant. and you guys have a little romance. what? So he's some kind of athlete cuz.

he can pull that off. and I'm a guy who was an athlete but. then fell into a vat of chemicals. >> [laughter]. >> like the Joker and it turned my hair red. and made me all stretchy and pale and. long and yeah and so. but we when I used to be an athlete we. would pal around and so but now. we're together and what we're doing. together cuz he he he feels badly for me. and I'm I'm comic relief. I'm hanging. around.

I don't think he could be a current day. athlete so he's a retired athlete right? Cuz I think I'm looking at it right now. I was saying that they do it. I was. saying that they're that he's a even if. it was a cop and negotiator situation. you guys are you guys are finding a way. to do it. So it's me and Tim hold on. it's me and Tim do getting it on cuz. we're in love with each other. Did I. also fall into a vat of chemicals? Yes, >> [laughter]. >> that's that's okay. That's a given. I mean I that's for. sure. Let's just say the way people buy. me in a movie is if I fell into a vat of.

chemicals. [laughter] That's that's. crucial. That's the he's a veteran gigolo and. you're a gigolo in training. Okay. Who fell into a vat of chemicals? I know I'm okay. Okay. He's the veteran and he's training him? >> [laughter]. >> Well, he. like late stage career change. THIS IS. WHAT HAPPENED. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED. >> [laughter]. >> TIM is a roommate. I'm a podcaster.

former late night host who lives with. Tim Olyphant. >> [laughter]. >> That's not his name. His name's Chet. Chet Chasnick and. Chet. >> [laughter]. >> this we'll work this out. We'll we'll. figure this out but but Chet is a gigolo. okay? And then. I've always been a little jealous of. that. Then I fall into chemicals. There's obviously the podcast bubble. bursts. You're dying and you just want. to have a sexcapade and so you're like. show me the ways. Okay, I didn't realize.

okay well there's dying. I was going to. say I fell into chemicals. I'm in the. hospital and they're doing rehab on me. and they say you need to find a new. hobby and I say well my roommate is a. gigolo but I know so little about it I. call it gigolo. That's how little I know. about it. You pay the women to do you. Yes and I don't have. >> [laughter]. >> and Tim is really [laughter] Tim is like. what? And he gets arrested for.

soliciting prostitution. >> [laughter]. >> No and because he falls into another vat. of chemicals. The the police. the police go to arrest me. I'm totally. confused cuz I think I'm what I'm doing. first of all I know that I'm doing. something wrong because I'm losing a ton. of money as a gigolo or as I call it. gigolo. and. then the police come to arrest me. I run. away and while they're chasing me I fall. into more chemicals. And the movie's. called Gus the Gigolo. Gus I'm Gus the.

Gigolo. Okay. You know it checks out. It checks out if. you do the math. You know what? It. checks out if you have a piece of paper. and you've just written rap and you're. showing it to me I guess it checks out. >> [laughter]. >> In the weird in the weird look I guess. it all checks out. It checks out. It. checks out. It checks out. That reminds. me of a bad my least favorite thing. about improv is when. is when you go see improv and the people.

on stage are like well I'm in a. chocolate factory. I make blenders. Wait, what? No, you don't. I'm your. father. My father's dead and they just. look at the audience and the director. walks out and goes. >> [laughter]. >> and scene like they nailed it. That's. what you do when you hold up this rap at. that point. let's put it out to the fans. If you. think of a really good movie I could be. in. And I'm going to even say it could be an. existing franchise where I would slot in.

nicely. and. I'm serious like I'm I'm not looking to. do more. I I think and cinema isn't. asking me to do more but. should the right idea come I might do. it. And so let's hear your ideas fans. We'll we'll to be continued.