Paul Scheer’s Sex Ed Teacher Played A Horrible Prank | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

You've written a book, Joyful. Recollections of Trauma. Yes. And I First of all, I commend you on the. title because it does sum up. I I can't think of a better way to for. especially a comedian or someone in. comedy to sum up. that this weird line we have between. there were things that. moments in our childhood that we feel in. the moment brought us great anxiety, fear, unhappiness, anger. And then now we.

realize oh, it was all part of the stew. that got me here and I'm happy where I. am. So, you can look back on it now and. I have had the experience of telling. stories from my childhood. I did one at. Ask Cat. Yeah. one night where you have to just make up. a monologue from suggestions in the. audience and someone shouted out and I I. told a story that involved dogs. and it was something that when it. happened to me as a kid, it was very. traumatic. But I told it and it got huge. laughs and I thought this is the magic.

of A surviving. Right. and B having comedy at your disposal. because oh my god, I just got this. moment really horrified me when I was 16. and was terrifying and I'm killing with. this right now. I don't want this to. have not happened. Well, it's it's interesting because you. tell these stories that are part of your. life and that you maybe have no spin on. It's like oh yeah, this just just. happened. Like I remember I was telling. my wife. I was like oh yeah, I never. open the door for strangers cuz my. grandma told me about this butcher who.

would you know, kill kids and chop them. up into chop meat. And you know, be like my wife is like. wait, what what do you mean? I'm like. yeah, the butcher, you know, she. The story all kids hear from their. grandmother. And my and my grandma told me this story. where she's like, you know, she's like. you can't open the door because if you. open the door, the butcher will come in. and his steps will come up the stairs. and he'll grab you and he'll put you in. a sack. And I'm like uh-huh. And she's like and. it's happened right around the corner. And then the end of the story was the.

mom goes to the butcher. She orders some chopped meat and she. starts making the chopped meat. She's. grinding it up and she puts it in the. pan and as she puts it in the pan the. chopped meat GOES. MAMA? NO! AND. NO! THAT image I mean I know it can't exist. like the look of his talking baby is but. it's. Is your grandma a Grimm's brother? Yeah. It's like that frightened me. This. butcher was like yeah there's there's a. butcher who lives in our neighborhood. who chops up children. Also Paul occasionally your grandmother.

should know occasionally someone needs. to come into THE HOUSE. YEAH. OCCASIONALLY SOMEONE DOES NEED TO COME. IN. going to let anyone in. Don't do not. chop me up butcher. You will not get me. Yeah we're here to pick up the rug uh. Oh my god. Uh yeah no um so you must have had. because you talk about this uh very. honestly in your book uh you parents. divorced when you were very young uh. stepfather comes into the picture. um who's uh you know I it's it's.

physically and emotionally abusive and. so you're dealing with that and it's not. of course none of that is funny. but. you had a very singular childhood and. then you describe later in your life. you're talking to your friends and. you're saying you know what and just as. you did right now you know when your. grandmother tells you that if anyone. comes in the house they'll chop you up. and then you'll become a talking. hamburger help mate. You know no. You've had people say no Paul that's not.

a normal childhood. what you do. I mean like you don't like. I remember I raised money. to go into the city to go see a naked. woman. That was the only job that I was. like I'm like like we we heard about. naked women we are like we didn't have. any access to naked women but we were. close to the city and me and my friends. were like let's go get some money we'll. go into the city and we'll we'll find an. We didn't know how. I think we were like freshmen in high. school. Like, you know, so it we were a. little Yeah, I went to a Catholic. school. They didn't really talk about.

sex. It was very, you. Oh, it's not discussed. No, it's not. I mean, the craziest thing is my health class. was taught by my uh phys ed instructor, which is I think a normal thing. And uh. there was a very shy girl in our class, a lovely girl. Um and she got up to go. to the bathroom and the gym teacher was. like, "I got a I got a good plan. I got. a good plan here." And so she gets up. and he takes this. dildo out of his desk. Now, I have never. I didn't at this point seen this dildo. a rubber cucumber.

I'm like, "What?" I mean, it First I'm. shocked cuz it's like, "All right, so". and he goes, "All right, all right.". And he shoves it in her lunch bag. And we and we're all waiting there and. he's like, "Okay, she's coming back. She's coming back. Everybody. calm down.". And so we're all sitting there waiting. and this. very sweet girl, very shy, very nice, you know, starts to take out her. sandwich. And he goes, "Hey, you! Stephanie! What the hell?" And he rips. out this dildo and he's like, "What is. this doing in your bag?" And he starts.

waving it in the air. And then the. entire class It's like a Carrie moment. The entire class starts laughing. And. you're like, And that way, you know, and. and we're like and he's like, "I just. got you. I got you. That that this is. not real. This is not. No, I didn't just get you. Oh my god. That's your person. We need names now. We need to go back in. the Yeah. We need to find this guy. Yeah, and this is like and that was a. story that I like I just like again, I. was like, "Oh yeah, that that's as close. as I got to understanding anything about. sex in school." Like seeing that dildo.

shoved in that girl's lunch bag. humiliated. Yeah. And you're like, "Oh, I guess. that's what sex is.". is this is about all the details I have. Oh, that's horrible. But I mean, you know, you you you as a. kid, you get very interested in obsessed. with making tapes of things. Oh, yeah. You want to you want to record. everything and make tapes to the extent. that you made your own video store. pretty much. Yeah, I made my own I loved VHS movies.

and I wanted like that was to me the. dream to own my own video store. Felt. like that was. like you can't get any better than that. You have all these things at your. disposal. I it's funny you that was your dream job. when I was a kid I remember seeing a. toll booth operator, my parents driving. through. We were going through the. Sumner Tunnel or coming out of it in. Boston and we went through a toll booth. and I remember thinking that's the life. I looked at a guy standing in a booth. and I just thought that would be cool.

because there's no homework and no one. to boss you around and you just and it's. a pretty simple job and then you get to. go home and watch cartoons. And I. remember thinking but so yours was video. store owner, mine was toll booth. operator on Route 128 in Boston. But those moments it's like you get. connected. I was like I I could get. NeverEnding Story. I'd be on the top of. the list cuz back in the day when you. wanted to get a video you'd have to put. your name on a list and then they'd call. you like all right, you know, NeverEnding Story's in you can come in. and get it but come but if you don't. come before 5:00 next person on the list.

is getting called. And so I was obsessed. with doing. a thing in organ donor. Except the stakes are so much they bring. you. you've been approved for NeverEnding. Story. It's coming to you in a cooler. Just drop what we're doing. We've got to. get it. Success, yeah. We got to see that kid fly on that dog. But then it became this thing where I. started having these movies and people. found out about it and I would run a. video store out of my high school where. teachers would be like, hey uh you have. Ferris Bueller? Can I borrow Ferris.

Bueller? I was like, all right, you can. borrow Ferris like teachers were holding. me back in class for me to pass them VHS. tapes and I felt like all right, this is. like this is my thing now. I'm I'm. Also, I love all the idea that you. thought and this will never end. This is the This is it. always going to need job, the medium, nothing. It's It's gold. I know how to put things on VHS and if. you want them, there's no other way to. see them. But it was like for this like a little.

bit of time like working at Blockbuster. It was the best. You were like, "This is. it.".