Nikki Glaser On Struggling With Suicidal Ideation | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

you have this capability of going crazy. dark but then pulling pulling up the. plane before it gets to be too you know. I just that the talking about suicide my. special and and Suicidal Thoughts like I. I I've had those for so long and I've. been doing comedy for over 20 years and. never really talked about it on stage or. felt like it was like something I could. reveal because I felt ashamed about it. because I was like I don't also don't.

want people to think in the business. that I'm going to kill myself someday. therefore they won't give me a job. because I'm a liability but it turns out. they don't give a if you kill. yourself their show will do better uh. like it's I really look at the numbers. here wow affect my career but it doesn't. to say that you think that way because. then I learned that you know those. thoughts don't mean you're going to do. anything with it and and then I was. thinking okay what's funny about this. and the the the ability to make a a.

chunk of jokes about having thoughts. about wanting to kill myself real. thoughts uh and being able to have. people laugh at that and and being able. to get out of that and make put that in. my special was a huge achievement. because that that chunk was not doing. well for a while but then I kind of. broke it when I figured out that you can. excuse anything you're talking about if. someone in your life was affected by. that thing like you can joke about. cancer if you're like well I lost my. partner to cancer and like oh I've been. through it or great RC when I when I.

just had that moment of like oh I can. talk about suicide because I'm going to. kill myself someday like that that kind. of when I have that excuse I I like to. find ways in comedy where you can say. offensive things and no one can be mad. at you because I really don't want. people to be mad at me I really like. having that to back up and say well it's. just true because I don't like to offend. anyone I don't want to trigger anyone I. don't want people to leave feeling um. you know like having a panic attack cuz. I brought up something they've been. through so I do offer uh refunds to my.

shows oh you if you leave my show. panicked cuz I said some word that made. you think of something that happened to. you I'll Veno you back your money at. least the part of your ticket that I. made you know I really will cuz I don't. I don't like you know there'll be cheap. skates sewing it's going I didn't like. the part where you went welcome. everybody or thank you you've been great. that really triggered me I want my money. back that's like eating a full meal at. Denny's and saying yeah yes just didn't.

do it for me um there's a very funny. thing that you said uh in your special. which is which was actually it it serve. two purposes first of all because you. were talking about suicidal ideation and. people that that have any of those kind. of thoughts you give the number people. you should that should call which is 988. 988 and you say 988 is the number you. call if you're having and I I thought. like that's important I wanted to repeat. that then you said it's not 911 and you. had a and you had a really funny you. minded what's what happens if you call.

911 call 911 they're like you know I. think I'm going to you're like I think. I'm going to kill myself they're like. call us when you do and then they hang. up on you cuz why is there another. number why do we need it yeah we don't. do that part you call 988 and then you. know we come later on if you know when. really oh my God but you know I thought. that was a great joke because it was. really funny and informational like I. thought okay you got the information out. that is what I wanted to do because I. don't think you I don't think legally.

you can talk about suicide without. saying something like that and I was. already wanting to get that number out. because uh it was a long number it was. like a 1 1800 number that no one could. remember before and so now they. shortened it and um and I have like a. just I think I have a deal with myself. if I I'm not I don't think I'll I'll. ever do that and and would never even. attempt I've never even been close to. attempting but um because I'd have to. clean my room first I always realize uh. because I'm going to have company you. know the the coroners coming over.

and I really do think that oh my God. that's so dark it's it's it's. such a darker version of your your. grandmother saying make sure you have. clean underwear in case you have to go. to the hospital that is a much darker. version of that yeah but I think like. that and that and I honestly think my. vanity has kind of like kept me from. even taking going to the next thought um. and so um yeah I just I wanted to get. that number out there because I know. that there are a lot of people that you. know are like I no one cares I'm going. to kill myself and I always say just.

call the number first you can do it. after just at least call the number. first and I'm not saying do it after but. I'm saying if you are so dead set on. this but but okay so let's just see just. reach out to someone and I think it's. it's very important to get that out. there but H yeah it was um that was a. that was an achievement for me to be. able to talk about that and and and I I. have even more to say in my next special. it turns out um was I'm going to trick. you into saying it here and then you. can't do it uh no I'm kidding uh you. um you simulate a gang bang by yourself.

in a mini dress uh on a uh on a stool um. and it is it is uh really something to. see and uh and I was thinking first of. all I learned a lot about what because. I'm I'm so uh uptight and naive in my. own way that I'm not quite sure how a. gang bang works and then you're you're. acting it out on a stool and I was like. oh.

yeah I was so I was laughing but also. there was a how-to element to it for me. well that's how I I when I was talking. about what you know the porn that I. watch and that involves gang bangs I. really thought like everyone kind of. knew what that was and then I realized I. thought back to when I before I had gone. down that road in the porn world because. you don't start there you I don't think. I'm I'm that's where I'm ending either I. think there's many places I can still go. you know what always push the you can.

always grow you can always grow you can. always expand and and this is don't. limit yourself don't dream big because. right porn I started with just naughty. nurses you that is where you start in. and now I'm with naughty. Orthopedic well they know because they. if you watch porn they'll they'll. suggest things to you that they think. you'll like and the other day I felt so. proud of myself cuz I saw something that. involved urine like it was like a you. know just the thumbnail and I could see.

that involved urine and I just was like. oh God and I felt so so like good that. there's something there is a like a bar. for me and then I I can tell because I'm. like no I don't want that and I could. tell that the site is just like okay. we'll see you next week like well sorry. we jumped the gut on this yeah you're a. little early but you will be you're a. week away this is where it ends we've. we've crunched the numbers Nikki this is. where you're. headed and I am 69 hot dick there is but.

there is this I'm just imagining what. her I just think I I think I nailed you. clearly never watch. por I like that you think you have to. have a username I know I know it's so. cute I've been using my actual name. no yeah but it's all like Victorian porn. oh okay it's all things like I'll have. that hoop skirt off you I'm listening. once I finish this. snuff but it is watching like it's a.

lonely thing obviously you're doing it. mostly when you're alone but there's so. much funny stuff going on in that world. and you don't really have anyone to talk. to about it and so it's it's be on stage. being able to share my experience in. that world and have people laugh it's. like the only way because I can't even. talk to my friends about the stuff that. they want like it's not even something. you can talk you really can't talk to. anyone about what you see on there and. what you witness and I find that comedy. is a great way to like for me to kind of. exercise that guilt that I have of the. stuff that I'm witnessing because I'm. I'm not.

alone these are cat gang Bang's a. category that's like right up but don't. you think you just said that's this is. kind of where I want to go with this. that is so much of what I think this is. about kind of which is well no but also. you saying I don't know I have in my. life I have people that think oh it must. be nice to be in that situation and I. think I don't know it's been a. constantly evolving situation and and.

pain is a regular part of it and. disappointment and uh I think we have a. we have a world that doesn't show that. they just show almost in that card. Kardashian way like everything's cleaned. up and looks so perfect and look so. idealized and I just think it's really. important for people to understand that. okay this this is what it takes to be a. Nicki Glazer and this is what the and. these are the things that are part of. your personality and you share it with.

people and it's really funny but I think. it's I I hate to say cuz it sounds so. corny but I also think it does some good. yes for young women that are adamant. about um about telling the secrets that. make me look a certain way on TV or make. me even perform a certain way like I. need people to know this is not just how. I'm showing up because I grew up looking. at women in magazines and we didn't. really know we knew about airbrushing. but we didn't know about all like the. team that they had around them and the I.

didn't know about fake eyelashes or hair. extensions and all these things and so. whenever um whenever I do anything I or. get compliments on my looks or or. anything like that I I I remember I was. working on that show F booy Island and. the director's young daughters came to. set and they were and I was really just. dled up I looked like a princess and. they were like you're so beautiful and I. go girls let's look at this this is I. took out my hair which I have on right. now I unclipped it I go this is all fake. everyone every woman you see on TV is. wearing this stuff I go these are fake. eyelashes and the director's in my ear.

and he goes thank you so much for doing. this because no one does this and these. girl and these girls were admiring me in. a way that they wouldn't had I not been. wearing all that stuff and they need to. know because I suffered so much from not. knowing that stuff so I think that's. really what drives everything I do is. like I want EV I want young girls. especially to have all the information. that they need to go forward and not. feel so like there's something wrong. with them because they don't look that. way or they don't um they don't have.

that kind of success or they don't have. um they don't know they're not as. sexually Advanced I mean that was a real. problem for me as well was just that I. was scared of boys for so long and and. and felt like that I think that's why I. talk about sex all the time is because I. just didn't have information about it so. I scared about it and I didn't want to. do it and my mom also told me at a very. young age if you're ever alone with a a. boy they'll they'll all rape you and so. I uh she literally gave me that sex talk. that was cuz she wanted to scare me like. you know that kind of parental thing of.

but she also she I think I'm just going. to say I think she took the wrong course. there yeah when she used to when my mom. would watch me and my dad would go to. work we lived on like a river um and she. was so scared that I would venture off. and drown that she told me if you ever. go down to that River if you ever go. past this driveway you will die jesz you. will die and so you know you just. believe her then my dad would come home. and go like let's go kaying and i' go no. and i' be screaming he wonders why I.

don't like the outdoors now but I really. um yeah I I was just a terrified child. my my first word as a child multi-. slabic word was was dangerous and I. would point out things that were. dangerous and I I was completely in fear. of everything I couldn't public speak. and um uh in seventh grade I would have. to you know present during recess or. when the other kids were like at recess. alone uh with the teacher my dad would. have to call because I would shake so. much in front of the class I would. always do um presentations uh that were.

glow-in-the dark so that I could do it. in the dark so that no one would see me. shake and then one time Mrs Tucky was. like why don't you give the presentation. with the lights on and then we turn it. out and I was like no that's not the. plan and I'm just shaking so much my. kneecaps I would feel like I was going. to fall over and I just I and and then. that really buted up against the fact. that I wanted to be on TV I didn't know. what I was going to do and I just. remember there was a moment where I just. like you just if you you can't live in. regret you're going to regret if you. don't try and so I signed up for play. that I had no business doing but I just.

had to go do it because and I think. that's my whole life is just signing up. for things I'm scared of saying yes to. things that I terrified I'm going to. fail at and then I have to fulfill it. because I don't want to disappoint. people and I think that's really a a key. component of My Success.