Mary Bronstein (FULL EPISODE) | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

Hey, Conan O'Brien here, and I'm sitting. with Matt and Sona, and this is a. special episode of Conan O'Brien Needs a. Friend. Uh, today I'm welcoming Mary. Bronstein, the director of a film that. I'm in, which is a strange thing to say. because, uh, that's something I didn't expect from my. kooky career. Uh, but, um, Mary. Bronstein, uh, has made, uh, I think a.

really terrific film. It stars Rose. Byrne, and it's called If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You. I'm in the movie as well, and so is ASAP Rocky. There's a lot of. just brain twisters here. Like, because. America has been saying, "How come. Conan O'Brien and ASAP Rocky haven't. been in a film together yet?" Well, guess what? Problem solved. Uh, we're in a film together. Spencer and Tracy and Hepburn. If all of. our movies were just together now, we're. like Hope and Crosby. It was a wonderful.

experience. The movie's out now, and, um, it's in New York, and it's in Los. Angeles, and I think it will start. appearing in other areas soon after. that. And, um, I'm just very happy. Just. very happy for. Well, thank you. I get these I'm in some intense scenes. with Rose Byrne, who, uh, is, I think, uh, one of the great actors on the. planet right now. I really do. And she. can do anything.

>> I love her so much. >> Yeah. Get in line, buddy. Okay. I didn't. mean to be that aggressive, but. >> We both can like her. Okay. It's all. right. Just not as much as me. Oh. Uh, So, uh, this is a this is a chat with, uh, the director, Mary Bronstein, who is, um, such an impressive force. Uh, and. she made this whole. world spring from her mind, and, um, it was just an honor to get to work with.

her. So, we'll be talking to her today. Please welcome Mary Bronstein. [Music]. Hi, my name is Mary Bronstein, and I. feel destined about being Conan. O'Brien's friend. >> Wow. Did you manifest this whole. relationship? >> Yes, I did. >> You did, actually. There's a whole story. here. >> Oh, yeah. We're going to get into it. >> Let me initiate anyone who doesn't know. what's going on here. Mary Bronstein, very talented screenwriter, director,

auteur, uh, has made a movie I did. >> called If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You. This. is not your first movie, but you made. this film, and it stars Rose Byrne, and, um, I'm in there, too, and probably we'll. get to that, uh, that glitch in your. career. But, the response has been, uh, fantastic and stunning, and the movie's. coming out soon. And working with you. has been a joy and a great journey. I.

don't get to say journey often, but it. really has been a journey, and I'm just so delighted you're here, really. I am This is a this is. like a Twilight Zone. moment for me. Mhm. Uh, you know, I'm in. I I'm staying in this hotel on the. Sunset Strip. Across the street is the. Viper Room and the Whiskey. I go into my. hotel room. On the coffee table in the. hotel room is a magazine with Rose on. the cover of it with me inside of it.

talking. in the magazine. Not talking in the. magazine. Quoted. Quoted in the magazine. But, soon talking magazines are coming. I just invented that. Copyright. It's a. tablet. That's called a tablet. That's called a tablet. It's a talking. magazine. >> in this very important moment. >> painting a great story, and then, of. course, [Laughter]. Sona ruined it. I'm going to take it. back. I'm going to grab it back. And. then I'm here. Um, and I I have been a.

fan of yours since, you know, day one. day one of your original show. And 14. >> September 13th, 1993. >> And I'm freshly 14 years old. Freshly. And we actually had, uh, like. an encounter, didn't we? >> Over a fax machine. Yeah. Steamy. Yeah. As one does. >> romantic scenes As one does. >> over a fax machine. >> '90s, that's what that's what that's.

what you did. >> a young fan of the show, and you were a. real fan. >> Oh, I can we Yeah, we can get into that. if you want, but I can Yes, I was a real. fan. And so, I had a school project. where it was like, um, pick a career. that you want to have, and then. interview a person in the career. And. because this this will tell you. everything about my me and my. personality, I said, "Well, I want to be. in show business. I'm going to interview. Conan O'Brien.". And what I did was,

uh, I figured out I did some sleuthing. some early '90s sleuthing, which is hard. to do. >> No internet. >> No internet. And I there was a little. booklet that they used to sell in the. drama bookshop in New York City called. the called Ross Reports Television. Do. you know what I'm talking about? >> No. And in it it had every, uh, like. television show and like the contact. information. It was for actors to use to. like submit to television shows. >> Sure. So, I that's how I got the phone.

number to the office of the of the show, and I called and I spoke to some woman, and I told her what I wanted to do. And. she was, "I can't promise that he's. going to do it, but here's the fax. number. Fax the questions.". And I live in a suburb, and here. literally I don't have a fax machine in. my house. >> Yeah. So, I literally walked down to the. gas station. Walked down to the gas station with my. papers. >> this portrait of another time. >> I finished churning my butter. >> Then I walked down to the gas station. I.

sewed my I put it on. And I, you know, and I walked down to. the gas station, and I faxed it. And. then I and then I was like, "But wait a. minute. How am I going to know if it. faxes back?" So, then every literally. for for the next week every probably. like 2 hours I called the gas station. Did I get a fax? Did I get a fax? And. one day they said, "Yes, you did." And I. go, and you answered my questions, man. And you revealed some things. Like, I. know that you took tap dancing lessons. when you were a kid because you answered.

you put that in the questions. I wrote. my essay. The teacher gave me an A, but. also didn't kind of believe it, I think. Yeah. A little bit. A little bit. But, that happened, and also that says a lot. about it says a lot about me. My middle name is Tenacity, and it says. a lot about you. Your middle name is. Mensch. Yeah, that's nice. >> And that is And also time on his hands. That's my my other middle name. Look, I don't know WHAT. >> GOING TO FAX SOME GAS STATION. AND IT.

WAS in your handwriting. You you filled. you filled it out with your handwriting. You didn't bother to type it. Let us get. Let us get out of here. My handwriting is like typing. >> Do you still have that fax? I do, and I. should have brought it. That's okay. But, I didn't, but I do. >> want people to see that I do little. smiley faces. I dot my eyes with smiley. faces. Uh, and then a heart when I say goodbye. >> thing, and I and I it was something that. I know that that really it was like, "Oh, people in show business, you can.

it's not inaccessible." That was my. first That was I I grew up my parents. were teachers. I grew up in suburb. I. grew up like I didn't know anyone who. was in show business or anyone that was. even making an artist. The fact that you. could make a living as an artist, that. would I didn't know about that. >> That's exactly my same experience with. growing up, and I've said this a million. times. Never saw anyone famous. >> Nope. I felt like I was as far from show. business I didn't think it was something. that I could ever do. It was, you know,

saying, "Oh, yeah, I'll live on Mars." I. mean, it was Absolutely. Feels that far. away. It feels that far away. >> You know, it's funny because I want to. now tell the story of. uh, how I come into this whole picture. >> do. One day I was going down to a place. that's near my house to get some stuff. for lunch. >> Mhm. My phone rings, and it's Adam. Sandler. Um, so I rush to a fax machine.

No, I. I pick it up, and he's like, "Hey, buddy. Is it okay if I give Josh Safdie, uh, from A24, a they wanted they want to Someone wants. you in a film, an A24 film, and. >> Some lady. Some lady. And I said, "What?" And he said, "Do you want to. just look at the script?" And I said, "I. guess so." I mean, yeah, I guess so. And. he went, "THAT'S RIGHT, BUDDY.". LIKE, ARE you stupid? A24, Safdie,

script. >> Lady that you don't know. >> Yeah, lady that I don't know who claims. she has a letter with from you. Um, and so, I read the script, and I. I again I don't pretend to know. This is. not my world. I can't say that enough. But, I read the script, and I. immediately thought, "There is a This is. a very original voice. This is a very. original story, and there's great tone. control." There's just there's a tone to.

this movie that just comes off the page. And again, I'm saying this as someone. who doesn't read scripts professionally. I don't know of that world, but I know. what I like. Mhm. >> And so, you and I had a meeting. I took. the meeting just to try and maybe talk. you out of having me. >> That was the meeting. >> Yeah, it was. >> You kept saying, "I love the script. I. want to do it. I don't I can't do it. I've never acted. I don't think I can do. it. >> Yeah. >> I don't I do want to do it, but I can't. do it. That was the whole That was the.

whole meeting. Yeah. And then I said. It's like Faye Dunaway in Chinatown. You. kept slapping me. >> my sister. >> want to do it. I got I was saying to my. mother my sister my mother My mother my. sister my brother. 100% and so it was. one of those moments and so I said to. you well I think you can do it. and then you said. that you were in a place in your life. where you were doing like a radical yes. Yes, I was saying yes to things that. scared me. >> That scared you and you said so that's. the place that I'm going to say yes from. and then you said well but if I you said. you made me promise you that if you.

sucked. that I would fire you and that we could. still be friends. Yeah, it's not too. late for that. It is it literally is too late. It. literally is too late. If I if I I could. And she does feel that way, but it's too. late. If I could go back to the editing. room, but if you see the movie it'd be. very bizarre if I edited you out. >> You could just funny if you just um cut. from Rose Byrne talking to me and it's. just a bag of uh golf balls. Just a bag. of golf balls. This says therapist.

>> But it has a crude face painted on. Yeah, therapist here, but you fabulous. You showed up and you did it and you. worked hard and you're fabulous and it's. accept it. Take the compliment. Accept. it. >> killed it and. >> Yes, you did. What was funny is I did. make you promise. I said I don't want to. be. >> Yeah. the guy that ruins your great I I. think this thing is terrific. Then Rose. signs on Rose Byrne and I'm like oh my. god. I've never seen seen partner. >> Rose Byrne be anything but fantastic.

Just. >> one of the best though. She's one of the best that we have. One. of the best working actresses we have. today. >> uh this was such a different. chance for her at just a role for her. and I but when you said Rose Byrne is. going to be your scene partner. um I had two instincts. The uh repressed. uh Irish Catholic boy in me was like I. love her so much. Maybe she'll smile at me, you know. >> like rolled out like a yeah. I know just.

I who doesn't if you've got a pulse uh. you have a crush on on Rose Byrne. >> on her. I do too. I'm obsessed with her. Yeah and so I um. I was delighted but also oh my god I. don't want to I can't let Rose Byrne. down. I don't want to be and then we had. this I got to tell you this. You will. probably remember it. We meet the three. of us are going to meet. >> Yeah. You call a meeting and you say. okay I happen to be in New York. I'm. always in LA but I happen to be in New.

York. So we all meet at this Midtown. hotel. >> to all meet in person. Yeah. Yeah. So we. meet and Rose. doesn't disappoint. She shows up. I mean. um. she just you know she was on the subway. She comes in. She's such a you know. I'm in my mind thinking she'll come here. in a white carriage, you know, like I'm. just. such a. besotted fool. Um she's a princess and. But not me. You weren't worried about.

how I got there. That was I don't give a. how you get there. You're tough. This is what You're Anyway I go on with. this meeting. >> No no no and and so. the three of us are there and then Rose. really quickly starts to you're like oh. I'm really excited and this is going to. be great and Rose looks at me and she. goes uh Conan um so. what acting have you done? She did do. that. And she did that and I said well I. haven't really done anything. I mean. I've been in sketches on and she went. uh-huh. not sketches and she's doing it in this.

she is so funny. She is so funny and and. she's very sweet. She wasn't doing this. from but she's doing this from like a. kid sister. uh. giving Conan a hard time. Conan I was. like what what what. what. movies have you been in? Have you been. in and I was like well I haven't really. been in any movies Rose and. >> But you can't call her on it cuz she's. doing it in such a sweet way. >> and she's doing it in such a sweet way. and then she said uh-huh and she said. well but you must have been in some like. in high school were you in plays and I. went I wasn't really in plays no and.

she's like huh. And she looked at me. And then she looked at you. >> like what are you doing with your movie. Mary that I'm in and then she said well. you probably took acting classes and I. said She kept going and at this. >> going and I was like oh my god and I was. sitting there like this is and then You. know in those cartoons when someone. shrinks because they've been humiliated. I kept getting smaller and smaller and. then I'm sitting on top of a crouton. like it's a massive pillow. I'm just I'm.

like hey I'm going to do my best and. it's not important. I'm like this is. tiny little person. >> just swilling drinks. Just trying to It's a morning meeting. and you are pounding vodka back. >> double fisting it. I was like what is. going on and then Rose looked at me and. and winked. Yeah. And then I was like. okay but also why are you doing that? But she was doing that she was doing. that to tell you. you got to work you're going to work. Which I which is my modus operandi. anyway. I do not I've never in my life.

said check this out. But I wish someone. had I wish someone had filmed that. meeting because. >> I. first of all I was just watching it. as if it was a scene Mhm. and loving it. on that level. >> Mhm. But then as the person who cast it. both of you and knowing that your scenes. are exclusively only with each other. >> Yeah. I'm dying a little. not a little bit a lot. Yeah. And so. then cuz then in my mind I'm like oh. after this meeting Rose is going to call. him and be like he never even took.

acting class. Yeah. What's going on. here? But she didn't. She came up to me. after the meeting and was like he's so. great. I'm so excited. I can't wait. But. blood was coming out her eyes when she. said it. But I. ARE YOU OKAY ROSE? I LOST a couple years off my life on. that one. But guess what? I was right. because you're you guys are great and. your chemistry's great and you um I I. don't want to you know give spoilers on. the movie. This is not a spoiler. You. play her therapist. >> Yeah. Yeah. So the rest of the meeting.

was all talking about therapy. Yeah. Um. which we all have our our stories, you. know. >> Well then I. I decided you came out here to LA right. to this studio in Larchmont. You came. >> to you. You said I'm coming. and we're going to work and so you and I. would meet out on this little terrace. >> for 4 hours a day for 1 week. Yeah. 4. hours a day and we would go over and you. would drill me on who is this guy? What's his deal? And you had me drill. you and all of the things that I have to.

admit. as a novice I would be suspicious of. It. was a boot camp. I have to know what. kind of shoes this guy likes or what his. backstory is but you did it and I could. see the value of it and by the time my. uh assistant David Hopping came with me. >> looking for him. He's on the he's on the. room. >> No no he's vanished. Um he's being. punished. He knows why. No every but But. David's great. But David he's out in the. hallway. I'm jealous. Um David.

came with me. uh and we went to New York for the. shooting. >> And it was my scenes with Rose are in. the smallest office it's a real office. >> real office. >> It might even be a real therapist. office. >> it was a real therapist suite that I um. Why don't you use that guy? took over. and I. no I completely re I completely redid it. in my imagination what I wanted it to be. which is that. you know you're.

there's different kinds of therapists, right? We've all been in therapy and. we've all been in therapy, right? In. here? We all admit it. After I got this. job I started Sona and I are looking at. each other. No Sona No I don't No she. don't need to be in therapy. I do need I. need No you do not. You are Zorba the Greek. You do not need. therapy. Not everybody needs it but in. New York you throw a pebble. the person's been in therapy. Everybody's in therapy. And so I've been you know I've had good. therapists. I've had bad therapists. I've had every kind of therapist in. between and they all what I fascinates.

me is that therapists have different. kinds of offices. And I can know when I walk into the. office I'm like. either I'm like okay this is going to. work. I like this or I'm like I got to. get the out of here. This guy Oh. can I swear? No. This air is on PBS tomorrow. >> went blue. I just worked blue a little. bit. Um Just being introed by Elmo. Why. did I ask that? I'm such a dork. Um. Anyway.

Um so I so I'm going to say it again. I. go I got to get the out of here and. then it's because some therapists take a. lot of care. in every inch of the room Mhm. having a. a meaning or a purpose. in in a therapeutic sense, you know, like I'm going to pick this color for. the wall because it's calming. I'm going. to put these knickknacks here because. they they they might elicit something. but they don't tell they don't give. anything away about me. And then some therapists you go in and.

there's like a picture of them with like. their mom and dog and like that's too. much. And then there's a therapist that. Rose plays who. she's hanging on. for the last the last thread. She just. went in and she was like this is the. room. Okay I'll rent it. The furniture. that came with the room is fine and it. is also I don't clean up my garbage. Come in. >> Yeah. Come welcome. And and you guys are two very different. types of therapists and so um you know. it was a real room very tiny and if you.

remember um the way. uh that I like to direct or the way that. I like to run a set is that I don't like. to be down the hall on a monitor. I'm I. when I can be I like to be in the room. and that's because. um for the rest of time I will see the. performance um on a screen. It's my only chance to I set up the. shot. I know what I I said, you know, I'm not just going in and sitting there. I set up the shot myself. I know what.

the framing is in my mind, but I watch. it live like a play. >> Mhm. It's the greatest pleasure. for me. And then I And then I watch it back and. And then we decide if we're going to do. it again. But watching you guys, you. know, I'd be sitting in the little. corner. It was a very tiny room. And. watching you guys sometimes I would. forget that this was my movie. And I. would just be like. like I'm in like I'm watching a play. Your Your chemistry and you guys were. both so in it and the work we did was I.

correct or incorrect? >> 100% correct. Um. >> Cuz you had All that's in there. Well, the other thing Okay, I'll admit to. this, which is I've done a lot of scary. things in my career, terrifying things, and I keep doing terrifying things, and. I mean physically terrifying things, and. then just uh. things where I feel like, "Oh my god, I. could really get a uh. my career could be shattered here if I. if this doesn't go well." So, I'm used. to doing scary things, but there was a. moment where it's just Rose and I.

looking at each other, and we have this. intense scene to do. >> Yes. And then you say. "Action." And my heart is pounding in my. chest, which is not me. I don't That's. not But for the first take when we're. really doing the movie, and I'm aware. there's a whole crew here, there's. cameras, there's. This is very intimate. That's Rose. And. "Action.". Uh I could feel, you know, when you can. feel your circulatory system.

>> to hide in that moment. >> And all my normal tricks of oh, I can. riff, I can come up with a funny. distraction. I None of that's going to. happen. So. And then um I have to say the the secret. weapon in that situation is Rose Byrne. because I would see her go from zero to. 95. >> Yep. And. I mean, I described this to one. reporter, but she she. can just. >> Oh. She can just pull her own heart out. and rip it in half in front of you. And.

then you would yell, "Cut." And she'd. say, "Woo! Hey! Can I get a sandwich?". You know, and I would I don't I don't. know. I'm not I I just said I don't know. that we're the same species. I don't. know how you do that, Rose. >> 100% and I also remember the And when. people watch the movie, they'll know. exactly what scene I'm going to talk I'm. talking about, but I don't want to give. it away. There's a There's a very. intense scene. Very intense. Where she. is literally and I don't know and this. is This is you This is you doing.

technical acting. I don't know how you. did this. She's literally screaming in. your face. 1 in from your face. >> Yeah. And it's very intense. And I. remember that when I called cut on that. she just started hysterically laughing. And she couldn't stop. And she like fell. off the couch and was like crying. laughing. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> And it was a release. And you We're. sitting there and you didn't know what. was happening. I knew what was. happening. But you were just like like. did Did her brain just break? Like did. you just break Rose Byrne? But when. you're doing intense work like that.

Look, the two. And this is also in the movie. It's. baked into the idea of the movie where. you're talking about tone. in a very calculated way is that is like. when something when the universe is like. piling everything onto you and it's like. the universe is doing everything to work. against you and something really bad's. happening, but then also like you get. all the red lights, and then also like. your pencil breaks, and it's just like. too much. You can laugh or you can cry. Those are the two ways that your body.

physically deals with that. >> Yep. And in this movie I I try to. do both I do both of those things. But. Rose is so the type of actor she can get. a laugh on the heels of a cry. Yes. Uh when I'm cutting it because I know. that I'm cutting from her crying, and I. know what what's the next thing. And. it's It's a laugh. And uh I think what. is going to surprise people the most. that are fans of yours is that your. character is devoid of humor. >> Yeah. Devoid. Well, you know what's.

funny? There's a lot of And again, I. don't want to give too much away. >> because it's so extreme. >> Well, the other thing is that I realized. early on I do not like this character. I'm playing. And I used to tell you, "I. don't like this guy." And you. >> Um. >> remember? Shut up and do it. I maybe. >> put peanut butter on your lips. Just get. your teeth out.". >> Kinnear?". >> Yeah, exactly. >> to get him. Get me Kinnear. No, I said you have to love him. Yep.

Because he's you. >> Yeah. Yeah. But also you have to release. the fact that people in the theater. might not like him. Because there's some. people in life that you don't like. And if they're on And there's some. people that in a movie that you don't. like, and we can't be scared of that. >> Well, this is the other thing that. fascinates me. I realized early on especially when I. mean, multiply this by the thou a. thousand once you cast Rose. Yeah. Once. Rose Byrne is in the film, and I realize.

my relationship with that character. >> Yeah. um it's contrary to every instinct. I have in my body as Conan. >> 100%. >> I am a. uh people pleaser. This will shock you, Matt, but I do very much want I very. much want. my a lot of my career has been trying to. put people at ease and make them okay. and make everyone okay. And. um. I'm not letting you do that. >> Yeah, for better or worse. And in this. role, I had to do the opposite. And when.

it's Rose, who was. probably, you know, one of the people in. show business that I would most want to. please you've made it a thousand times. harder. >> Impossible. >> And I'm locked in this little room, and. I realized, "Oh, I see what this is.". That That helped me a lot was to know um. any instinct I have, I need to go the. other way almost, you know. >> George Costanza like. >> Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Now, I'm going to. say the opposite. Do the opposite of.

what I would normally do. But yeah, and. it's And it's also it it And also for. me, it was so magical to see you. transform that way cuz like I like we. talked about the beginning. I've I've. been watching you on screen for for over. 30 years. >> Mhm. I know I know that thing that. you're talking about, and it's what uh. made me a fan. And so then it's like. this thing where. I don't know what that says about me. that then I wanted to take you and and. and strip all of that off.

>> Yeah, yeah. So that then you're left. with it's you're left with something. it's so raw what you're doing. Yeah. >> And it's such a trust me You trusted me. >> Yeah, of course. Yeah. >> in in a way that I'll I'm always going. to be grateful for because because that. is your. That is your That is your go-to what. you're talking about. And I'm saying. you're. It's not here. You're not allowed to do. any of that. >> Yeah, yeah. >> And uh you did it so fantastically. That. means that it's also part of you. >> And it's also why I would be.

uh. disbarred as a therapist. >> you said, "Can't we just take Can't my. character just say, 'Let's go for a. walk?'" Yeah. "Can I just say, 'Go take. a nap and I'll baby-sit?'" And I'm like, "No, you can't.". >> Yeah, yeah. I mean, every instinct if I was a. therapist and would be to completely. cross the line and say, "Well, this. sounds rough. Um. okay, here's what we're going to do." I. mean, nothing creepy, but this is what. we're going to do. I'm renting you a. hotel room. I'm getting you a hotel.

room. You get some sleep. I'll look. after your kid. I'm going to go out and. get you some tacos. And I'm going to. bring them to you. Do you know what I. mean? ARE YOU OKAY NOW? OH, how about I get. you more sleep? That's okay. I'll stand. outside the door and guard you. >> is like, "What is this therapist? Like. why is he. resting in your hotel room?" I'm like. >> So, now Now we get to the really the. part where it's getting really surreal. to me because I cannot stress enough. that um. uh. movie making, film is.

uh it's never been on my agenda, and. also it is not it's the opposite of the. kind of art or show business that I'm. involved in. Mine is very much We make. this. It's immediate. Uh for for almost. three decades, it was let's we'll have. an idea at 3:00 in the afternoon that we. really like, and we'll do it at 5:00, and it will air that night. >> of that. I'm so jealous of that. >> a yin and yang. There's good. But But.

and the only experience I had with this. long wait was The Simpsons, where I'd. come up with an idea, I'd work on it. with all the other writers, we'd make it. as good as we could, and then there'd be. a year would go by. >> true? I never thought about that. >> to a year. I mean, sometimes it's less, but. I think for some of my episodes, it was. much I mean to the point where you. um almost forgot what this was all. about, and then it would come out. >> thought about that. Yeah. Cuz it's it's. animation. It's uh And so this is very.

different. And so what happened was we. went through this intense experience. We. made this. I'm then released. Then I'm. doing my all the stuff that I do and. very much me focused and in my world, and then I'm hearing from you. occasionally that you're editing and da. da da, da, da, and then I just I got to. the point where this had completely. drifted away from me. And then it starts. to creep back in.

>> creep back in in this very nice way, which is I'm hearing really nice things. You're very happy. And the one thing I. always said is all I want for you is for. you to make the movie you want to make. And you called me up one day and said, "We locked it. It's the the I wanted to. make.". >> I remember that. >> Um You said, "Who is this again?". >> Yeah. No, I remember that day. It was. and it was it was um. you were the person I wanted to call and. say that to because you said that to me. And the thing is that I can say it and. not all people can say this and on.

another film I make I might not be able. to say this, but I can say this about. this film. I. from my brain to the page, to the. screen, I made no creative concessions. Wow. Yeah. >> But not because it's easy to do that. Because you fight and you fight and you. fight and you fight. And then. and you and you can't not give up. And. filmmaking is like the longest con that. there is. Because. uh because of how long it takes to do.

and then you have to wait for it to come. out and I was so impatient. And and the. fighting never stops. And it's not and I. don't mean fighting like people aren't. trying to not let you do it. But just. that if you have an idea and you know. that the idea is correct, uh someone else might have a different. opinion about it. >> Yeah. But I don't want that opinion. It's mine. It's mine. Yeah. And so I. would fight and you know, A24, I have to. say were such wonderful partners because. I won every fight. Yeah. And sometimes.

the fights are like almost like you have. to like I announced uh this movie shall. have no score. The score is is sound design. It's only. sound design. Well, that's then it's. like, "Well, you can't do that. You have. to have a score." No, I don't. It doesn't have a score and it's correct. for the movie. Yep. Then my next movie. might have a score. I don't know. But. for this movie it doesn't. And it. doesn't stop. And so when you're saying. about what so I think uh when I was you.

know, a teenager, what I so responded to. and and the late night form in general, Letterman before you and and and then um. and then alongside you, the the form of. it feels loose. Yeah. Like that. If you. you feel it through the television when. you're watching it, it feels loose and. it feels immediate and it feel it's. ephemeral. So like say uh say I mean, probably to you you want to die, but. like if you have an idea and you do the. skit uh the piece and it and it like.

bombs, >> Yep. it's it's over and then you're on. to the next thing. You're doing another. show the next day. You're doing another. You're doing another piece after the. next commercial break, whatever. And it. and there's an immediacy to that that I. think is so magical that um. for me. that's broadcast television. Yeah. And. that's the magic of broadcast. television. I'm I'm 46 years old. So you. just dropped They That was a mic drop. >> I was I was riveted. You just riveted. that I dropped couldn't believe it what.

I said. I'm sure the professional in the. room I said I'm 46 years old and he. freaks the out. >> He thought 26. No, because he's. uncomfortable with middle-aged women and. he just I see I understand now. That was. Famously. Very famously. He's always awkward. around. >> dropped my pen. No, that's all. Sometimes a pipe is just a pipe. You. know what? I'll let it go. Well, listen, you know, I want to I want to get to. something you said that I think is worth. talking about. Yeah. Uh you said and and. again um don't want to give away too.

much about the movie, but you said. there's a lot of there've been many. women going crazy movies, but. none of them by women. All of them have. been made by men. And that was important. to you. >> Yep. And I do think. that. you can. feel the difference. >> Yes. in the film Thank you. >> your point of view Thank you. >> and uh it's devoid and and look, many.

men have made I'm many good films about. this, but it has to be different than a. woman doing it. >> take anything away from any of those. films. All those films are inside my. body and my DNA. and they come out through my work. somehow. Mhm. But I One time I One time. I heard uh Denzel Washington say. something that I really it stuck with me. because the the interviewer said to him, "Well, why is it so important to you?" I. forget even what the movie he was. promoting, but why was it why was it so. important to you that the the filmmakers. and the whatever.

um are also black? And he said, "It's. not about color. It's not about race. It's about culture." He's like, "I know. what it feels like and smells like to. have a hot comb go through my hair on a. Sunday morning." Okay? I don't know what. that is, right? >> And it's the same way that uh. a man doesn't know what it's like to be. socialized in a society as a girl and. grow up and to be a woman. They just. don't. Like I don't know what it's like. to be a man. It's fine. I can write a. movie about a man. A man can write a.

movie about a woman. I can write a movie. about a black person. A black person can. write a. It doesn't matter. But it's that thing. of it's culture. It's experience. It's. It's just baked in. And so it's I think. it's 2025 and it's still radical for. people to tell their own stories. >> Mhm. Which is wild to me. Um if. filmmaking is a is a male-dominated. field. Um you know, and and that's just. the way it is. And so. my whole thing is like what it doesn't.

have to be the way it is. Why is it the. way it is? I'm in a radically. All I care about is is putting creating. characters. female characters that are are full. human beings. that are on the screen and we know those. We know those women. We have encountered. those women in different ways. Sometimes. we are those women. And we might love them or we might not. like them or we might see ourselves in. them or we might say. they might scare us. Uh none of that's. bad. It's all great because the thing.

about movies is that you are in a. theater, you are you are asked to get. into somebody else's point of view. Yeah. Into somebody else's life. Whether. like you brought up Chinatown like or. like some of my favorite movies like. like Bonnie and Clyde. >> Mhm. or like movies that you immerse. yourself in like The Shining. Like like. you you forget yourself. That's the idea. of a movie. That's the magic of movies. You forget yourself. You forget your. life and then you open the door. The best thing is if you see a movie in.

the daytime and you open the door and. you forget it's daytime and the sun hits. you in the face. >> That's magical. That's movies. That. means that you forgot. >> Yes. >> Yeah. Yes. And if you're um people are. scared be um uh people are scared of of. of being asked to get into somebody. else's. uh mind or point of view that they're. not familiar with. You know, and for me I I just in a. radical way I just want to push that as. far as it goes, you know. >> Yeah. I'm not a provocateur provocateur.

provocateur. I'm not one. I'm wearing a. You're so not one you can't even say it. >> Provocateur. Provocateur. Now I'm just going to keep. saying it. I am no provocateur. >> Provocateur. Because it's such a. pretentious word to say cuz you have to. say it with an accent. I hate. I'm wearing a John Waters t-shirt. He is. one. Yeah. He is one. But he he is. uh a huge influence on my work because. he's just like, "You know what? I have. an idea. I'm going to put it on film. You like it, you don't like it.".

Doesn't matter. I also just want to. point out that to people that are just. listening, there is some. there's a lot of humor in the movie. >> And I don't want to give anything away, but you you pitched me one thing that I. thought I don't see how this is going to. work. And it involves like a puppet. Yeah, yeah. >> thought. >> puppets in this movie, my friend. Oh, there's puppets. It's so over the top. and and the comedy is really dark, which. is my favorite kind. >> humor. >> It's gallows humor, but there's a puppet. scene and I thought this.

this I was reading the script. She's. going to have to. >> when you read it in the script. >> Yeah, no, I I thought it was really. funny, but I also thought I don't see. how this is going to work. And then it's. it's one of my favorite things. It's. really ridiculous. Cuz you know why? If. you're going to use puppets in a movie, you got you you you do it. Like my whole. thing I don't. there's no way that I'm not tricking. anybody into thinking that it's not a. puppet. Right. Right? >> Right. I can say without giving anything. away it involves a hamster. Mhm. Is you.

know, uh and. >> And I'm also I'm a puppet in the You're. not a puppet. Well, yes, you are. You are my puppets. and I was the puppet master in You're. going to watch it and there's like a. cardboard kind of going, "Woah, okay. Well, I call her Rose. Okay, Rose." That's. another thing you kept saying, "Cut.". Cut. That's not her name. "How are you, Rose Byrne? Cut." Rose Byrne from from. movies and television. How are you? >> "Hello, famed Rose Byrne. I'm your. therapist. Cut.". "Yeah. Conan. All right.". Um No, with the puppets it's like I.

don't care. It's like the um The Muppet. Show Yep. is a big influence on me. Uh. you know, I don't watch The Muppet Show. now as adult. It lives inside my D It's. part of my DNA. >> are, yeah. And it's like you see they. you see strings on The Muppet Show. You. see strings. You see sometimes you see. It doesn't matter. Because you're. watching a puppet and no one's trying to. pretend that you're not, right? And. there's something radical about that and. there's something so um it's visceral.

It's visceral. I'll tell you one of the. most shocking things I've seen in my. life. >> Yeah. in my New York existence being. asked to do something on Sesame Street. and going over to Oh my god. >> Queens or Brooklyn, wherever they were. >> Please tell me the story. I'm living for. this. And I go in and there's like, "Okay, Conan, we're going to shoot this. thing and Elmo's there and you're going. to be here." And I I'm just looking. around cuz it's where they shoot. everything. And it's limited space cuz it's a very. urban warehouse or. uh studio. And so.

they. I look up and they have lashed. Snuffleupagus to the ceiling. And. It's a you know, he it Yes. You got to. keep him somewhere. He's not They lashed. him to the ceiling and it looks exactly. like the guard that Hannibal Lecter. flays and puts up skins and hangs out. And it Snuffleupagus. I'm an adult I was in my 30s I looked up. and I WENT SWEET CHRIST. AND HE'S INANIMATE his eyes have rolled.

back in his head and he's lashed to the. ceiling and something the genius of the. Muppets is when they're animated you. believe. >> to them. So when you see Snuffleupagus. hollowed out, drained of his blood and. lashed to the ceiling by a serial. killing. that's monster. Horrifying did he have. to be on the ceiling? Because I guess. they didn't and they're just like hoist. him up we got to clear this space. It's. a 90 lb 170 lb costume. So yeah. And.

then when they were done with me they. lashed me to the ceiling. [Laughter]. But anyway I went to the Sesame Street. Workshop one time. Uh because I my best friend Amy who's. here in the other room because because. she's. she's my best friend she's the best. We'll see. Well you know Conan you know. what? I'm very competitive with Amy. You. could She's like I'm her best friend and. I'm like well I don't know. You could. you could you could work it. You could. work it. I'm buying you a car. Oh my.

I'm going to get you land upstate. Too. desperate. Right in New York lot of. land. Very needy. Right in New York I. have family that lives there. Let's take. somewhere more exciting where I haven't. been. >> I'll meet you there. And I'm driving a. car there that you bought me cuz you. shipped it there. I shipped it there at. my own expense. Oh. And what does my house look like? It's. made of 100,000 dollar bills. And and do I have to work? You never. have to work again. But you do have to show up for your foot. massage done by a professional foot. masseuse whose name is Guillermo.

Listen I've got this all figured out. I'm your new best friend. >> my face right now? I'm a little bit. You know what? I'm tempted. >> Yeah. But I don't I don't think you can. pull it off. I can. >> you're just talk I think you're you're. tell you're selling me some snake oil. over here. And drop moment. >> I was going to say was that she took a. puppetry class in college you know as as. as as one does to spend our parents. money very wisely sure. And.

and and the culmination of the classes. that they were going to go see the. Sesame Street and I said so guess what? I'm going to pretend to be in the class. and going on this trip and I did I. showed up and I just kind of stayed I. was You lied to the Sesame Street gang. I I was sneaking I was just didn't want. the professor to see me. I'd be so. excited. >> And I went in there and I saw she was. what I saw my friend I saw Big Bird's. legs. not attached to his body. It's a it's a. it's a ghoul's paradise in there. And.

they were fixing them they were fixing. them and putting re-felting them or. whatever it was and they were on a table. like a like a surgeon's table and they. weren't attached to nobody and I and I. couldn't ask a question but in my mind I. was like where's the rest of Big Bird? In a wheelchair. Yeah. He had no legs. man. That's where I came up and then I. came up with the title for this movie. Yeah exactly if I had legs. NO IT'S A HORROR. YOU BROUGHT IT around you made it work.

Never go to the Sesame Street set I'm. just telling you it's horrifying. The two old men up in the balcony who. criticize the show Yeah guess what? I. saw their genitals nailed to a wall. There's no reason for that. That's what I do my name is Johnny Too. Far. You know what? I want to get to the. happiest part of this whole thing is. that. I'm going to New York next week. I'm.

going to do Colbert's show and I get to. throw to a clip. And I might have spent. Yep. I'm picking that clip baby. Well it's so. what's crazy to me is I have spent a. whole career making fun of the idea of. throwing to a clip. >> to have set it up. >> And now. I'm going to throw to a real clip. And I my whole life has been what's a. good bit about throwing to a clip never. throw to a clip. Yeah all my work with. Mr. Paul Rudd.

No and so. I got now I got to think about but I. have to think of my career. Yeah exactly. you do. Fortunately I do not have to think about. my career anymore. Yeah yeah they would say what happened. we're not releasing this film. No and it. was just Don Knotts. Yeah. Um I uh. going to a conversation we had off mic. about Mr. Don Knotts one of the greats. of all time. And.

So what are you going to do? You thought. about it? I'm going to throw to a clip. He's going. to say to you he's going to say. do you want to. say something about that set it up say. something I have to know which clip it. is. >> going to tell you that's the tricky. part. But it's just so funny to me to be I'm. here to promote now so hey well Conan's. movie opens you know. blah blah blah and I'm so I'm going for. it. I have. two strong feelings about this whole.

endeavor which is. I am just so happy. for Rose Byrne because she is being. noticed in a big way. Hiding in plain. sight. Hiding in plain sight which is. what you said to me about Rose. I'm going to cast this person who. everyone loves who's amazing and she. needs now it's her time. You nailed it and I'm thrilled for you. because you have been you are incredibly. tenacious there were many hurdles many.

obstacles you had to overcome a lot you. got this made and you're in a very very. impressive person and I'm thrilled to be. your second best second best friend. The movie is If I Had Legs I'd Kick You. and when when is the premiere date when. is this happening? So it comes out in. New York and LA on on October 10th and. then all other major cities on the 17th. and then after that And I'm going to to. a like a premiere next week.

>> Oh you're going to premiere at the New. York I bought a feather boa for this. >> Oh wow. that's an interesting choice. What do. you mean interesting? It's what all the. actors do. Actors says. actors says. But you know what we can we can gender. bend we don't it's fine it's all you. know it's okay. I've been gender bending. for a long time. No one's quite sure what I am. Okay Mary Bronstein go go go never stop. do your thing and I'm really proud of.

you I'm your avuncular pal. >> what you are and you always and you. always tell me that you're proud of me. and I appreciate it. I really do. Yeah. Cuz you know what I'm proud of you. I. can't handle this this pod. Okay I accept it I just threw it up. Podcast over pen drop. YEAH.