Leslie Jones (Full Episode) | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

[music]. Hi, my name is Leslie Jones and I feel. [laughter]. so conflicted. >> about being Conan O'Brien's friend. >> Okay. Can I just say so needy [laughter]. and. just. >> I don't know. I just I don't know. I. >> Please be my friend. He's not he's you. know he's not in my ministry you. [laughter] know.

[music]. >> Hey there and welcome to Conan O'Brien. needs a friend. I am joined by Matt. Gorley. Hello Matt. >> Hi. >> And uh Sona is normally with us at this. part. She's going to be here for the. interview. >> but uh at the moment she cannot join us. >> She's in Hawaii. >> She's in Hawaii. >> She's going to be back in time though. for the for the interview. I know. It's. only 10 minutes away. >> She's on a jet that will land any sec.

It's an American Airlines flight that. will land in exactly about 15 minutes. But she's going to miss out on this. part. >> Um but uh David is going to be joining. us. David Hopping. >> Hello. >> The assistant who replaced Sona. >> when we realized she really wasn't doing. anything. Um and you've done a terrific. job, David. >> Hey, thank you. >> And I understand that you have a. question for me. It's always nice to. start. >> I do have a question for you. So. recently, um, you watched your first. episode of Love Island. >> Yes, I did. >> And I thought it would be fun for you to. share with everyone your thoughts on the.

show. >> Uh, that's fair enough. Um, I had heard. a lot about this Love Island. I know. it's a big show. >> Mhm. >> So, uh, I decided, well, I want to I'm. going to I'm going to try one of these. I watched a Love Island and I was. shocked and stunned by their beautiful. bodies and not by the steamy sensual. situations but how little they do. They. don't I mean if they were wearing you. know Fitbits or if they were wearing. Apple watches I think each of them in a.

day would record maybe four steps. because they sit and hang around. Right. >> Yeah. >> And talk. They pull each other for chats. >> and then they say, "I'm gonna go uh, you. know, uh, talk to, you know, Brenda and. I'm gonna take her to that." And she. doesn't, they don't take her someplace. interesting. They're on this in this. house, right? And they say, "We're going. to take her over to the um, you know, Cuckoo Cove, which is the name of a. room, and it's spelled out in neon, and.

it's. >> it's 4 feet that way.". >> Wait, are they on an island? Do you ever. get to see an island? They're in like a. villa on the island. They could be uh in. in Westwood here in Los Angeles. I mean, it doesn't matter where they are. They. could be in Cleveland. They could be. anywhere because it's okay. Yeah. And I. understand that it's a nice climate, >> but they don't do anything. They don't. go anywhere. And they're just always. sitting and lounging. >> That's all they That's all they do. All. they can do is just talk to each other. And. >> And what are the names of the different.

nooks? >> Um what they're called? >> Uh oh my god, I'm blanking on Joe. Joe, jump in here because Joe is sitting in. for Eduardo who ties. Can I just say uh. Eduardo's out because he um said he was. busy today and then I noticed that uh. World Cup game, a [laughter] big one. between Spain and France just played and. I think maybe that's the cause of his. sudden bout with diarrhea. Um. >> made up. Okay, so Joe,

>> they're soul ties. >> Soul ties. >> There's the hideaway. >> The hideaway. And these are rooms that. are maybe six feet away from where they. all sit. >> Yeah. >> And they they get one of them gets up. and goes to the other and says, "Hey, come with me." And they say, "Okay." And. then they go to Soul Ties or what's it. called? >> You can't just go to the hideaway, though. >> What do you mean? You got to You have to. book it in advance. You got to know. someone. >> Yeah. They like, if you're a successful. couple, they'll put you in there. And. it's a villa inside the villa.

>> Yeah. It's where they get to bang. >> Yeah. Oh, now we're talking having sex. there. >> They can. Yeah, >> they can. >> Yeah, >> but but is it. >> But they're not married. [laughter]. >> And they're not presumably wanting. children. >> That's the only reason to have sex. I'm. sorry. I forgot [laughter] this is this. is hosted by the Quaker religion this. episode. Um [laughter]. um I I just don't see that they're doing. they don't seem to No one moves and.

everyone's in great shape so I know that. they're working out furiously when. they're not on camera but for the show. they don't do anything. >> They do like a challenge. Did Did you. watch the whole season? >> I did. Yeah. You just lounged. Yesterday you lounged. leaning to the right. Today you're going. to lounge leaning to the left. >> To the left. Yeah. No, they did this. challenge a few nights ago where each. couple had to like take different foods. Like the guy would put ketchup in his. mouth, then spit it into the girl's. mouth, then she would spit it into. something else.

>> Mhm. >> Uh I don't know. Like Yeah. >> Or like frat boy hazing. What is this? >> Wow. But it shows that they love. >> This is a hugely successful thing, right? Love Island. >> Huge. Yeah. >> And um when people become a couple at. the end, does that happen? Do they stay. couples? Is this has any relationship. lasted? >> I think so. Like Bergie from a few. seasons ago is engaged. Bergie. >> Yeah. Who is also on the Traders? I'm. sure you. >> are caught up on all things Love Island. and Traitor. >> I'll get to it. >> This is how this is how Jill and Joe.

Biden met [laughter]. >> back in 1921. >> He took her to the hideway and. [laughter]. they banged and. >> then 70 years went by. >> Uh, incredible. But some of them stay. together and then at the end the couple. who wins gets to split $100,000. >> How do they win? >> Uh America votes on the Love Island app. >> But I'm in America and I don't vote. >> Is it true that more Americans vote for. Love Island than vote for the president? >> I want to be sure. I would I. >> just brought I just thought of something. and I I hope it's not true. I'm going to.

say it's not true. >> Um but. >> what's that? >> It's easier to vote for Love Island. >> Well, because you have the app the. current administration's going to change. it. So to vote on Love Island, you need. you need your birth certificate. [laughter]. >> You need special. So yeah, that's that's. the problem is I will not see Love. Island voters disenfranchised. I will. not see that happen. That's unamerican. >> Yeah. >> Can you vote more than once. >> throughout the season? You get a chance. to vote, but you can only do it once. Like, you know, they'll be like, rate. your the least compatible couple tonight.

and then tomorrow night you rate your. favorite couple. So you can vote once. like per. >> I think we're maybe one or two election. cycles away from being this. this is the. way we vote. You know what I mean? >> And and this. >> if you want this person to be your the. president of the United States, you. know, uh. >> you got to watch him bang in the in the. hideway. >> The hideway. >> Yeah. >> And maybe that's as good a qualification. as any. Who can say who can really say, "Wait a minute. Thinking about it, no. Not a good idea.". >> But still, um David, you are so obsessed.

with these shows. They're your life. >> Yeah. And I think that you love them, too. I just think that you won't admit. it. What made you watch an episode? >> I was I think you were talking David. >> No, David was talking to me about it a. lot and I and and this is the same thing. that's happened with Sona. Sona will. talk up these shows. >> and like any cultural anthropologist, I. feel it's my duty to understand what's. happening in the United States. So, I. watched I watched a Love Island. I think.

I watched one with my wife and then I. watched like half of one on my own. I. think I was in New York and then. [snorts] I was I was and I'm not dissing. anyone who likes it. It just wasn't for. me because. >> it's it's too lethargic there. I just. want people to go somewhere or do. something. >> You like a You like a below deck. >> I My wife is crazy about below deck. I I. No, it's still not. [laughter]. >> It sounds to me like reality TV is.

getting a little lazy. Is that what. you're saying? >> Yes. I think, you know, in the early. days it was you're going to be on this. island, you've got to survive, you've. got to do this or else you need to get. to Belgium um and we're going to pair. you with someone who hates Belgium and. you guys are going to It's a lot of. running around. And I think I like. frenetic action when people are lying. around. >> and I mean they just practically have. like sailing bags to keep, you know, so. they don't have to move. [laughter]. I I don't know. I get bummed out. >> Sounds very American. >> Mhm.

Well, sorry. [laughter]. >> Sorry I brought it up. >> Yeah. Yeah. Well, okay. Well, that's my. damning indictment of Love Island, and. I'm sure that's going to sway a lot of. people. >> And Love Island is different than Love. is Blind. >> Yeah. >> Okay. Cuz that's. >> Are people on Love is Blind? Blinded? >> No. I've never actually watched that. one, but to me, I'm pretty sure they. like sit in pods and they talk and just. can't see the other. My wife is always. watching when I come in the bedroom and. she's breastfeeding and and I don't I. don't understand what's happening half. the time.

>> Joe, do you watch? >> You don't even But to be fair, you don't. understand what lactation is. >> I don't [laughter] I don't at all. >> I don't know Love is Blind at all. Which. one is that? >> That's the Joe watches it. It's. >> Joe. Let's hear the report. >> So, they just sit in these pot. They. can't see each other, but they talk for. two weeks and they're supposed to fall. in love. They just go on like different. dates. They all they can do is hear the. other person's voice. >> I don't understand. They're in How do. they go out on dates if they're in pods? >> It's kind of like Zoom without the. video. >> What is this thing? What is this thing? I'm cracking something here.

>> People uh want to watch reality shows. with beautiful people as long as they're. not moving. That seems to be the trend. that I've discovered. >> I think they feel better about. themselves when they see lethargic hot. people. >> They're like, I might not be hot, but I. can get up and walk to the fridge. >> and get a and get a Coors Light. And I. just throw that out there. That's. probably not our What's the beer we're. pushing? >> Miller Light. >> Okay. Thank you. You know, I can get up and go. and get the beer. He said, >> "Wait, now you forget it already.". [laughter]. >> No, I didn't forget it already. I just. thought like, why give them a free ride?

>> Oh, yeah. Right. >> Uh, no. You know, the old mill of light. Um, good beer. Anyway, I am very. worried. I think the problem in. America's 250th year is that our reality. shows have become uh more static. It's. funny. You don't real you don't worry. about reality shows being popular in. general. You worry that the reality show. format itself is dying on the vine. >> No, I'm just worried that they're not. moving. Apparently, people are watching.

them like crazy, but people are sitting. at home on a couch watching other people. sitting there on a couch. And um I think. this is the. >> you just invented a great reality show. where you watch people on the couch. watching reality TV. >> Or else when the technology exists, you're watching people watch you. >> Oh my god. >> If they could figure that out, that's a. hit formula. I want to sit and watch. people watch me. >> You do. [laughter]. >> I do. >> You definitely see if they laugh. >> Yeah. And you know what? I did for 28.

years on television. >> I sat and watched people watch me. >> And you know what? It was an erotic. ride. Um, more on that later. I was very. fortunate to have hardworking parents. They modeled for me what it is to work. hard. Let me bring up a snack that I. think works really hard. Neutrorain has. this, it's just a hardworking snack. It's a snack that gets the job done. It's made with 10 grams of whole grains. I'm just going off the top of my head. I. think it's 10 vitamins and minerals. >> I'm pretty sure there's no high fructose. corn syrups. It nourishes and it hits.

the spot. Of course, there's the. classic. There's the new Neutrorain. crunchy available in flavors like. chocolate chip chia. Say that seven. times fast. Chocolate chip chia. Chocolate chip chia and honey oat flax. Each neutrorain crunchy bar contains at. least 23 g of whole grains and provides. a good source of fiber. We got some. strawberry flavored neutrorain bars. here. And I'm curious, do you guys work. hard enough. >> to share in these delightful Neutrorain. bars? Sona, >> absolutely. I think I'm a [snorts] very. hard worker. I send you videos of my.

kids. >> That's true. I woke up this morning to. your kids dressed as Spider-Man. >> You know, I clap along when you dance to. Pitbull, which is all the time. >> I dance to uh Pit Bull's uh Men in Black. rap and I dance dance frenetically like. a mad like a mad man. >> Yeah. Like an absolute man madman. And I. clap along and I I encourage you to do. it even though. >> I probably shouldn't. >> David, do you think you work hard? >> I I do. I I um if I see like a video. where someone's complimenting you on. like Instagram, I'll send it to you. You.

sent me all four over the [laughter]. all four over the last. >> I sent you the four best ones. >> You sent me four in total. >> I. >> You s through so many negative. [laughter] ones. >> If you ever don't want to drive, I'll. come pick you up and drive you work. >> Don't you know what? I want you to do. that, but I I bought a little. chauffeer's cap, like a tiny one that I. want him to wear on top of his head, but. he won't do it. And I think that'd be. really funny. All right, guys. I think. you both work very hard. You're both. entitled to these wonderful Neutrorain. bars. So find nutritious and always.

delicious Neutrorain bars at your. favorite store or online retailer today. and look for new Neutrorain crunchy bars. in stores near you. My guest today is a. hilarious comedian who was a cast member. on Saturday Night Live. She now has a. new HGTV show called Roast My Rental and. is currently performing standup on her. I'm Hot tour. Tickets are available at. justeslie.com. It's always a fun time when she stops. by. Thrilled she's here. Leslie Jones, welcome.

Last time you were on the pod, you said. to the same thing. You said, "My name's. Lizzie Jones." And I couldn't give a. if I was [laughter] Conan's friend. >> Oh, it's heading in the right direction. >> And so I think we're going in the right. >> You know what? We're getting better. >> We're getting better. Now you're just. conflicted. I'm conflicted cuz I don't. know if I want a leprechaun as a friend. [laughter]. You burn really easy. >> I burn so easily.

>> My like the sun literally stays over my. house. So I can never invite you over. You would. >> die. I can't go visit anyone if the sun. is in the sky over their house. I can. only go to places where the sun doesn't. exist. >> It's so funny. >> Yeah. >> That it's just like you. >> Is it funny? Is it funny to you that. >> burn like bacon is hysterical? [laughter] Oh, we us black people enjoy. it so much. >> LAUGHING AT ME. >> OH GOD, WE'RE LIKE THEY NEVER CAN GO.

OUTSIDE. [laughter] We're going to rule. the world. >> Sona, back me up on this. If I'm outside. for you've been with me when I've been. outside in the sun for like maybe 15. minutes. >> Look at YOUR FACE NOW. >> EVEN NOW YOU'RE just a fluorescent. light. >> You literally look like you have on. goggles. >> Yeah, [laughter]. >> it's it's immediate. What happens? I. drove to work today in a car with no. sunroof [laughter] and I I look like. this. This is bad. >> The sun be the out of you.

[laughter]. >> I am sexually assaulted by the sun every. day. There's some white people I see and. I be like, "The sun need to take you in. the back and strap you to and just. you till you can't see." But you you. need to start filing. reports to the police about the son's. assault on you. >> I need a restraining order on the sun. We need to keep the sun at least 500.

yards away from me. >> Umbrella or something. [laughter]. >> Umbrella. >> Get a umbrella. Jesus. >> No. I can't be the guy. >> Michael Jackson had a [laughter]. umbrella, Jesus. >> Oh my god. He did have the umbrella. That's right. P. Diddy had an umbrella. He had a guy. that held an umbrella over him. >> So you got I mean the umbrella is a way. to go. >> Girly, would you hold an umbrella over. my head if. >> I would buy you one of those. multicolored umbrella hats? [laughter]. >> That would make MY LIFE.

>> BUT I just want to see you walking down. the street with a black umbrella. I'll. be like, that's. >> it. So I can take a picture and send it. to the Inquirer. >> A parasol. [laughter]. >> Oh, the Inquirer is going to put that. right on the cover. >> Ryan shields himself from sun. >> Yeah. Con Conan running from the sun. after sexual assault last week. [laughter]. >> We have a topless nude of Kim Kardashian. or Conan using sun protection. [laughter]. >> Kim Kardashian. No one cares about her. boobs. >> Conan in the sun. Um.

>> you a quick question right up top. Right. up top. >> Wait a minute. Hold on. One more joke. Uh it's not like a raisin in the sun. It's like a cranberry. [laughter]. I'm going to do my own revival. Cranberry in the Sun. Written, directed, and funded by Conan O'Brien. [laughter]. >> It's got to be directed by me. >> Will you direct it? >> I would so direct that. >> I think you and I have a great. chemistry. >> I think that we should get married. [laughter].

>> I'll do that. Want to do that? How long. do you think we would last? Let's say. Okay. >> Oh, we would last a long time. Do you. think so? >> Yes. Because you first of all, I. wouldn't have sex with you. [laughter]. All right. >> Wait, what? She was You're the son's. [laughter]. >> You're the son's Exactly. You. belong to the son, son. I don't want. leftovers. [laughter]. >> Wait a minute. So, you'll marry me, but. I don't have any marital pleasures. [laughter]. >> I mean, you can watch.

[screaming]. >> Wait a minute. >> Let me get this. [laughter]. Such a. >> I'm a red-faced cranberry in the corner. of the room while you and some other. person are going at it. >> and then I'mma stop and go look at the. cranberry in the sun. [laughter]. >> Quit it. [screaming]. Quit it. >> Everybody. was cranberry in the corner. [laughter]. >> Wait, wait. What? Come on. This is.

terrible. This is a terrible turn of. events. This is not like this. Funnest. part of my life when I get to. rib white people. >> Yeah. [laughter]. >> And not just white people. Probably the. whitest guy you've ever met. >> ever. >> Right. >> In the history of white people. Are you. Irish? What? What are you? >> I am 100% Irish. 100.0000. Oh yeah. >> That Irish man like black women. Is that. true? >> Yes. >> What What's that about? >> I don't know. >> I had I had an Irish man tell me he had.

his full accent. I took you to a hotel. and I put my fist in your tits. [laughter]. >> And I was so insulted, but I was like, >> "Wait a minute. Put my fist. >> Put my fist my fist in your tits. I I. No, I don't. >> If the Irish just want a box, it doesn't. matter WHAT'S GOING ON. I'LL GET THOSE. TITTIES. I'll get him real good.". >> That's what it sounded like. >> AND I WAS LIKE, >> I almost I almost the Lucky. Charms guy. I almost did. My god.

>> But I was just like it might get violent. afterwards. So. >> yeah. Yeah. [laughter]. >> OH MAN. >> Tit fisting. >> Oh my god. Yeah. Tit. No. Fisting. >> Fist hitting or titfisting? >> No. He said put his face in my tit. >> Oh, I thought you meant fist. >> I heard fist. >> I heard fist. Oh, that's. >> I mean that would have turned me on too, but you know. >> Um. Okay. Well, maybe that would have. been fun. I don't know. >> Yeah, he was too short. >> What's your ideal man? Let's describe. him. Oh god. Here we go with this.

This is just that he doesn't. exist. >> No. >> My I. >> You like them tall, I guess. >> No. Well, I described it once as. somebody was like, "Oh, that's Jesus.". [laughter]. >> You're in love with Jesus. >> I wanted I wanted to be a carpenter. >> I like a guy that works with his hands. >> He's got to have a [laughter] lot of. friends. >> At least 12. >> At least 12. >> No, 11. Cuz Judas is a [laughter]. Um, >> but he's fun at a party. get a few. drinks in and he's talking about. everyone.

>> and he's [screaming] talking Jesus and. he's talking about Jesus. Hey, I'm. right here. >> and and he's imitated Jesus is really. really annoying. >> I'll turn water into. water. [laughter]. >> Uh uh fed fish and bread to everyone. >> [laughter]. >> Um, >> I don't, you know, I used to have so. many ideas of what my ideal man is. >> And yo, I know this is a crazy thing. Do. y'all know uh Dylan O'Brien?

>> Yeah. Okay. So, damn. My assistant has. my phone for the longest. Okay. He was. in this movie with Michael Keaton. It. was a spy movie. >> Yep. >> Oh my god. He was Oh god, it was so. fine. cuz he had all the hair on his. face, his and I carried his picture on. my phone and told everybody like he's my. husband. Like I had screenshotted a. picture from the movie and put it and. had it as my on my phone for the longest. time. Right. And I was like, you know, Bryant, you know him. Tell him that I. love him. I love him. Then we end up at.

a Knicks game together. And it's so. funny cuz I had gotten over him. >> Yeah. >> You know, [laughter]. >> these things last about an hour with. you. No, they I mean he was my pretend. husband for like 3 years. >> Oh, wow. Okay. >> Yeah. I loved him. And uh then we was at. the Knicks game. First of all, he's. shorter than me and I was like, "Fuck, never meet your your heroes. Never meet. them." And he was like a dude. Like he. was like, "Duh." [clears throat]. I was like, >> "Wasn't working.".

>> So when he started to tell started. telling he was like, "Yeah, I know about. you. Everybody tells me that you have a. picture of me." And then I pulled the. picture up and I was like, "You need to. tell me that this guy doesn't exist.". [laughter]. And he was like, "Yeah, that guy does. not exist." He was like, "I think that's. a DON'T SAY ANYTHING ELSE. I love this. man." [laughter]. >> But my ideal man looks like a terrorist. He's just beard, >> fluff, hairy. >> That's me, too. >> Just like. >> Yeah.

>> And lanky. I love lanky men. >> Okay. >> Tall. Just I would love him to be just a. little bit, but if he's my same height, that's fine. But if he's a little bit. taller than me, that would be great. >> So, I'm tall enough. I'm just Everything. else is not working. >> Mhm. [laughter]. >> Okay. >> A. >> Where's your beard? I don't even. want to see a beard on you, dude. >> I had one for a while. It was very red. >> Well, you can work the beard. >> I can work beard. I need to see that. You have a picture. Can you pull that. up? Cuz I need to see. >> Yeah, the turtle can pull it up. >> if I see it and I like it. Are you still.

married? >> Yeah, I'm still married. But can she. fight? That could change at any moment. >> Could change at any moment. It all. depends on what you say. >> I'm just saying if we have an affair, it's over with y'all because you're not. going to. >> Oh, there I am. >> Oh, no. Look at the What is the hair? What the is the puppador. >> You look like a [clears throat] That's. what I've been doing since I was a kid. I've had that hair. >> No, that. >> I'm sorry. I know that hair. >> How about that? That looks that I like.

>> Yeah, that looks. >> That is hot. Yeah. Yeah. No. Conan is. the one on the right. Okay. Very cool. >> Never mind. I thought it was a picture. of me with a chin. For those I thought. it was other guy. No, >> you do look good there. >> You do look good there. I like that. And. your beard kind of connects. >> Yeah. I think that I will I'm going to. grow the beard back. >> I don't think [clears throat] you can. >> because of my falling testosterone. levels. >> No, because of the sun the. out of you. You He had already. the follicles out of you. So, the sun me so hard that all.

my follicles fell [laughter] out on my. face. Is that what you're saying? Is. that what we're saying here? >> Do you know this is the first time where. I feel like I might come to your. defense? [laughter]. >> You're the same. >> Well, you're going to fight the sun. >> Oh, are you done to me? You better this. situation. >> So happy [laughter] that this is all. about. >> I will get you too, Don't. Don't Listen, I can get the whole table. >> You know what's so funny? >> I'm with you. You are a white male, but. you know what? Compared to me, you look. like Desi Ares. You're like you you look.

Cuban compared to me. >> You know, he Yeah, >> he's that's. >> His beard is hot. >> His glasses is hot. >> I'm trying to figure out if he's gay or. not. >> Oh, >> well, me, too. >> Yeah. No, his [laughter] wife calls us. every day and says, "What do you think? >> Does he is he gay?". >> He's not gay. Okay. >> I mean, what do you think? [screaming]. >> We re-evaluate every afternoon. >> See, I would like to see a younger. picture of you, too. I bet you was. really cute when you were young. Oh, thank you. >> Cuz you're hot. You're a hot old man. [laughter].

>> There you go. That's a very nice thing. >> I came out. >> No. >> Nah, she's on my team. >> Yeah, [laughter] I'm with her. I'm with. you, Leslie. So, you're with Leslie on. everything. >> On everything. >> Why did you shoot up that high school. photo of a young girl? >> Is that all of him? >> Why are your glasses so big? [screaming]. >> Cuz it was 198 up his nose. What the. Your whole face looks bigger than. it is now. [laughter].

>> I I had a face for. You're fired just based on me seeing. that [laughter] photo. >> I resigned. >> This is I actually like the one where. he's holding the drink up, though. >> You still have those glasses? >> Uh, no. >> You have to give them back to the car. windshield store. >> Exactly. Oh my god. >> I did. [laughter] You took them for the. world for You know what? I feel like I. feel like you got your first set of. money from getting them lottery tickets. the lottery numbers. [laughter]. I'm pretty sure you. >> This is the best episode ever. We're. only like 10 minutes in and this is the.

best episode ever. >> Put them glasses on the table when the. sun is out. >> No, there's no table is calm. >> This is why I chose the podcast. I'm. safe from [screaming] the sun. I'm in. the dark. >> This is my favorite episode. >> This is This is your like you're safe. here. This is a safe place for you. >> This is like a vampire's coffin. I'm. okay here. >> It really is. It really is. It really. is. Sona, I understand you've been. really enjoying the new Hyundai. Palisade. That's a beautiful looking. machine you got. And you've been driving.

around. The kids like it. How's it all. working out? >> The kids love it. They actually call it. the allnew Hyundai Palisade. [laughter]. I'm not even kidding. >> How old are they? They're four. >> They're four. And they that's what they. call they call they tell their friends, "We have an the allnew Hyundai. Palisade." And then that we they love. driving around in it. They have so much. fun. >> Tell me about some of the perks some of. the cool things about the Hyundai. Palisade hybrid. Well, you know, I'm. kind of I'm not a reckless driver, but I. don't always pay attention. So, the car. is very good at telling me if there's a. car next to me, if there's a car behind.

me, so I don't drive into them. Yes. >> So, um, >> that's a very good feature for you. >> Those are very good. >> and I imagine for a lot of people. >> Yes, exactly. >> I got to say it's a very good-look car. And also, I heard you blasting tunes the. other day. >> Yeah, >> those are some good speakers. >> They are. They are really great. speakers. And, you know, I have to play. music a lot for tac. My husband loves. music. My kids love music. It's all all. we have is music on. >> You're driving around. You're in like a. nightclub driving around. It's great. >> Yeah, it's a nightclub. We're bumping. tunes. Cruising Sunset Boulevard. >> All right. Well, ready to make your next.

drive feel epic? Learn more about the. Hyundai Palisade at hyundaiusa.com. Call 562-314-4603. for complete details. Is this true? It's. preserving you. You know, [laughter] at. one point growing up, you wanted to be a. detective. I wanted not a detective. I. wanted to be a serial killer finder. >> Oh, someone who hunts down. Okay. No, my. title. is serial killer finder. So, when I show. up on a stage, >> there's no improving on that name.

[laughter]. >> Hey, I'm serial killer finder. Give me. the clues. >> Yeah. >> And and and I went I was uh you know uh. criminal justice was my minor. >> Yep. And I loved all the classes and I. was like, "Oh, cuz you know, everybody. in my family is in, you know, police or. my aunt's drug enforcement agent around. you and you're like, I want to be part. of this.". >> Like, I'm going to, you know, and it was. interesting and I always solved all of. the clue all of the, you know, SVU. cases. I solved them all. And um I was.

like, "Yeah, I can do this." Then we had. to learn how to shoot a gun. >> and I didn't I didn't like it. So, I. told him, "It's okay. I can still do. this. I don't have to have a gun. Columbbo never carries a gun. >> Right. >> And they were like, "You're an idiot.". >> Yeah. >> And Columbbo does have a gun. [laughter]. >> Actually, I don't think Columbbo has a. gun. He has a raincoat. Does he have a. gun? >> He had a little like them little What's. them that little black gun with? That's. a revolver.

He had a little 38 that he would pull. out. >> I never saw it. >> I think I think so. And they was like, "He was a policeman. He had a gun. You're idiot." So, so then that's when. everybody knew that I probably should go. to be the comedian. [laughter]. >> It's the only next step. >> I don't think I can be in law. enforcement. I have to be a comedian. >> But it it I love crime. I love solving. it. >> Yeah. >> I love solving it. And I think I would. be a really like I talked to um Well, her name is Marisa, but I call her.

Olivia. And she's always going to be. Olivia to me. And I'd be like, "Olivia.". And she'd be like, "Marisa." And I'll be. like, Olivia, she'd be like, Marissa, [laughter]. I'm not going to call you that. Okay, what do you want? I want to be on the. show. >> Oh, >> Marissa Hargatee. Yeah, you want to be. on the show, >> but I don't want to be a policeman. I. want to be a criminal. >> because I know how to think like a. criminal. And I want to be. >> You should do that. >> Yeah, but I want to be like a really. shitty person. Like I laugh when they be. like, you know, two women died because.

DID THEY? THEY DIDN'T DO WHAT I TOLD. them to do. >> That's incredible. No, but what they. psychopath. >> This is just a yes. I would say this. would be a yes. >> Okay. >> Yep. >> Let's make that happen. >> Why not? >> Um. >> I don't think people think of me for. stuff like that because they go, "Oh, she's a comedian. She does comedy." But. I am totally into being dramatic. But. I've always wanted to play a serial. killer. >> You know, serial killers have like the. so- and so killer. What would be your. like method? You know,

>> you want to know? Oh my god. Seriously. I wrote a whole thing about it. Okay. So, so, so, so like uh I'm so. traumatized about men, but I think I. always have had this hero type thing. where I've always wanted to be a hero. and save people and stuff. So, the. twisted mind of me um you know, I'm. pretty sure, okay, the way that I wrote. the story, I go to jail and what anyway, the way that I would do it is I would. find like men who are mistreating their. women. >> and then I would kidnap them.

>> Oh. And then, you know, cuz no one gives. a about them. >> That's why they're being such pieces of. >> And I would kidnap them and I would keep. them in this room that's soundproof. And. I would just torture them and until they. beg me to kill him. >> Uhhuh. >> So then when they say just kill me. I'll. be like, he's he's asking it's a mercy. kill. >> So I have to help him. >> And you're the mercy killer. >> And I kill that. >> Okay. Yeah. >> But I beat his ass. Like he beats his. women. I beat his ass. like like I make.

him pee on this all this. >> until he gets to the point where he's. like I'm sorry. just kill me already and then I'll be. like. I've been waiting for you to say that. >> Wow. >> What was that thing? Did you whip him. with a cat? What was that? >> That was [laughter]. this was it a sword? That was the knife. and then it was the sound effect of the.

music that plays. >> Oh, okay. [laughter]. >> I thought you when it finally came down. to it, you grabbed a cat by the tail. >> No, the cat ain't got to do with. him. >> Cat's creeping around. I don't know. Uh, so. >> he's my partner. >> The [laughter]. He's got one chore to do, which is be. handy when it's time to kill. >> He lets me know when the police is. coming. >> So, um, okay, you've just pitched this. right now. Now, I am willing to direct. this. Really? >> I'm willing to Yeah, I'd be willing to.

direct it. Um, and also help write it. You know, I was a writer back in the day. and maybe participate in the profits a. little bit. Uh, but I would be happy to. throw my. >> You know what? I want you to be what? >> The sheriff. >> Okay. And I don't just I don't approve. of your methods. >> No, you're trying to catch me. >> I'm trying to catch you. Yeah. >> Yeah. But you date me. >> Okay. And I'm like, "Oh, I want to I. want to get my fists in those titties. [laughter]. I'm the Irish sheriff. You have to have. the Irish accent.

>> Yeah. >> There's no way I'll do this movie. without you down. >> So, what's uh what's uh what's happened. to that fellow who was abusing the lady. been gone missing? Yeah. So, you're. doing the case and that's how I'm. involving myself in the case. I start. dating you. >> Yeah. >> And you're like, you know, all these. missing people and stuff. Oh, wow. Do. they have any clues? And then what do. you say? >> I say, oh no, they've got a couple of. clues, but not much. There's not much. that leads to anybody in particular. No, I don't think so. By the way, is it okay. if we move into the shade? It's a.

[laughter]. See, it's a little hot right now where. we are. >> Yes. Yes, my little cranberry. >> Yeah, [laughter] thank you. By the way, I sorry I took a swing at your titties. last night. >> It's okay. It's such an erotic thrill. for an Irishman to put on his his little. boxing gloves and go after the boobies. >> But check this out. So then you catch. me, >> right? I catch you. >> No, you catch me. Well, you kind of. accidentally catch me, >> right? Right. I walk in. >> No, you don't walk in. You You leave the. house and then you hear something and.

you go around and you catch me. >> Mhm. >> Dragging. You don't catch me. You see. it. >> You see it happening. I'm watching. through the bushes and I see you. dragging the guy's body. >> And then you try to confront me and then. I take your ass. >> Okay. >> But I don't torture you. I make you. watch me torture and then I explain to. you. I confront you and I go, "I just. saw you. That's terrible what you did. It's terrible. Oh, what a pity. It's a. shame. [laughter]. I loved you so and we've got a fantastic. sex life.

>> Oh, what a pity. >> Jesus. [laughter]. God. >> But now I got to be taking you in. >> So, how do you overpower? Do you. overpower him? Do you take his gun? He's. going to take you in. I got to take you. in. It's me job. >> I got to take it out. It's. >> real hard to overpower you. [laughter]. >> I got to put you in the old IN THE OLD. PATTY WAGON. What's the opposite of an. Emmy nomination? [laughter]. >> I put an infrared light on you THAT. BLIND YOU. >> THESE PEEPERS, they're so sensitive to.

light. [laughter] I can't see. >> And then you you drag me and then you. >> I figure out that you you know. >> Yeah. >> So, you know, you kick it in with me one. night and I drug you and then. >> Oh, I'm feeling sleepy. [laughter]. Oh, I'm in the ARMS OF MORPHEUS. AH, here I go. Green hearts, yellow clovers. [laughter]. So, yellow moons. Oh, that's how we when I snore, little.

little colored marshmallows come out my. mouth. Great. You two and bottom on the edge. Oh, I. just d So anyway, and that's I love. this. I make you watch. I make you watch. and I explain to you really logically. what my And you're like, you're. psychopath. >> Yeah, but maybe I'm turned on by it. >> No, you're trying to talk me off the. You're like Leslie. This not Leslie, but. who whatever the character's name is.

You're not talking reasonably. you. you're you're losing your mind, you. know, cuz something happened to me when. I was younger, you know, like I w my. what the the story that I wrote is that. my father was very abusive and my mother. end up committing suicide because of the. abuse and then I was trying to protect. my sister one day cuz he went after her. >> and we're fighting and she falls down. the stairs and I think that he kills. her. So I kill him. They put me in an. institution. >> and then the girl that fells down the. stairs, she didn't die, she just got. paralyzed. She ends up turning the big.

house into like a nursery, like a a a. greenery nursery. And then, you know, she's visiting me in jail and stuff. And. then I get out of jail. She tells me, you know, I can't go downstairs because. of my wheelchair. You can have the whole. basement. And then I go to a she tells. me to get out one night and I go to a. bar and I see this guy beating on this. girl and I just meet him in the. bathroom. And. >> what's the name of the show? >> It's not a show. It's a It's a movie. >> A movie. But what's the name of it? >> Sister. Sister. Sister. Okay,

>> Leslie, >> you [laughter] wait a minute. Less, you. led ME DOWN THE PRIMROSE PATH. WE NEED. TO WORKSHOP THAT, I think. >> Sister. Sister, >> are you Tia and Tamara? [laughter]. >> Is there a character named Roger? [laughter]. >> Jack A comes in and every. >> So, Jack A is in this. >> Well, now we got to go get Jack A. >> [laughter]. >> This is going to cost money. People.

don't come cheap. >> Okay, you. >> Oh my god, I love laughing like that, man. >> You [laughter] just ruined our lives. >> Oh my god. We can workshop that that. title. [laughter]. >> I uh. >> I don't know. I don't know what to do. with you, Leslie. I. >> just love me. Conan, what what would you. say if you said I Conan O'Brien and then. that blank thing with friends with. Leslie Jones? >> Oh, yeah. I feel like I won the lottery. that I'm friends with. That's what I.

would say. You are so freaking funny. We. always have a blast. We always have a. good time. Um, I get it. You want to. kick the out of me. Most people do, but it's great chemistry. It's just. >> I don't want to kick the out of. you. I just want to put you. >> verbally. >> and I feel bad about that. That's no. cake. Every time for the longest I was. like Conan hates me cuz every time he. sees me I give him such. >> and he just be standing there like what.

the are you doing? >> No, I don't say that's not true. I. always love it. I always love it. >> Like I bet you he's like she's so mean. [laughter]. >> Why would I have you here. and I'll sit across FROM YOU? >> I GOT my publicist to call him. I was. like, "Please call. Do you know Conan? Can you please text him and call him and. tell him that I don't cuz you were. hosting the Oscars or something?" Which. I thought you did so good. I actually. thought you really did good. And I was. like, "Can you tell him that I don't.

hate him?" [laughter]. >> Oh, >> but I always I mean I never took it that. way. I always. >> most of the way that I enjoy people is. them telling me I'm a ridiculous cartoon. character that somehow came to life. I. enjoy. >> But you're funny, too, though. Oh, I. know. [laughter]. >> Why don't you go tell Messi? He's a. pretty good soccer player. [laughter]. >> I mean, I'm sorry. >> Who's Messi? >> Leo Messi. >> Oh, well, why you say?

>> Because I uh. >> You're making a ridiculous comparison. >> I'm not. No, no, no. Not at all. Not at. all. I am the World Cup winner of of the. ChuckleGetters. [laughter] Oh, >> getters. Yeah, that's the crowd. tradition I'm in. The chuckle getters. I'm not a comedian. Uh I'm. >> What is happening right now? Are you. having a stroke? >> I'm having a [laughter] I'm Is this what. happens? Y'all just entertain this. [laughter]. >> You are delusional, buddy. >> Not at all. Not at all.

>> Oh god. [laughter]. >> Oh my god. >> I'm a fool. I'm the I'm. >> I'm just made of. >> You create laughter. That's what I'm. made of 100% foolishness. You really. are. Um, let's talk about Keenan. Thompson for a second because because I. love Keenan and he's been on that show, I think since 1935. I think he joined. when FDR was in his first term and he's. still there, >> but I've always thought, what is it. about this guy? He's really funny, but. he also feels like he's the glue. And.

then I was reading you said somewhere. >> you didn't think you think if Keenan. leaves the whole thing is gonna go apart. because he's like and I thought yeah I. think you're right. Well I mean you know. SNL is an institution. It will always go. on. I just don't think it'll be the same. I think without Kenan but we thought. that about Seth Meyers too and we. thought that about Jimmy Fallon. We. thought that about a lot of people that. came. Um but K but Kenan is just like. first of all let me just say Kenan.

>> uh when my brother passed away. >> my me and my brother didn't have the. best relationship but when I met Kenan. Kenan literally automatically became my. brother like he became the nicest. version of what my brother was like my. brother could be what Kenan was if that. made any sense. and he is just truly. himself and very um what do what do you. call it when someone comes around and. just automatically gets respect. I I. don't know like he's just very.

respectful. So when people when he comes. around it's like. >> you know you know he's just the thing. the word I think of with him is it's. like he's grounding somehow like he's. >> Yes. He's very He's very comfortable. being himself. You know, it's a waste of time to say. he's funny cuz that's a given. He's. really funny, but he's always he's like. a quiet grounding presence. >> Oh my god. You would not believe how. many times Kenan has had to ground me.

>> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> I mean, I he would be laughing at me cuz. I would be so frustrated. I be like, I. can't understand. And Ken would just be. like, man, I don't know why you let that. bother you. >> That don't got nothing to do with you. just come to work. Come to work, do your. work, leave work. >> Yeah. >> And he just knows how to put everything. in the place that thing too and this. isn't a diss on SNL, but it isn't always. the healthiest place. >> It's not. It really isn't. You have to. be a samurai mentally also.

>> And it it does a number and I've seen. very I don't Keenan's one of the few. people I've seen be at that show for a. long time. Always have a positive. impact. Always be a star. always be a. star player, but you get the sense that. it's not taking something away from him. >> It's not. And that's the thing, he knows. how to put it in its place. He never let. it get out of the place that it was. He. would just He was like, "You're so. frustrated for nothing. This is a job. Leave this job. Come back to this job.".

He was like, "Anything, leave that. here." He was like, >> "These people going to do what they want. to do. Just be you. Be you. Care about. you." And I didn't get it until I got. ready to leave, you know. But yeah, he's. incredible. An incredible human. >> Yeah. >> Incredible father. He loves his kids. >> Great father. Great man. >> You're in that same category for me of. someone who always knows ex you always. know exactly who you are. >> Well, that took a lot though, Conan. You. know, I mean, thank God they got me at.

47. I'm so glad they didn't get me in my. 20s and my 30s. It's so funny because I. can't think of you as being other than. how I've known you, right? >> And uh and you. >> Oh, I would have you. [laughter]. >> I would have you. I would have. you. I would have you. And. in my 20s and 30s, I I wouldn't I would. have you. I wouldn't have cared. if you had a girlfriend, whatever. I'd. have been like, "Let's go hook up.". >> So, where were you then? How come we. didn't [laughter]. >> Where were you living? And.

>> when years, >> how are they doing on that time machine. technology? [laughter]. cuz you definitely would have got some. from Leslie. >> No, >> you're short circuiting. [laughter]. >> No. Why is it supposed to. >> It feels like he's disappearing. Like. he's fading back into. [laughter]. >> Just thinking about that time machine. technology. >> That's the meanest thing someone can Oh, I would have you BACK THEN. [laughter]. >> WAIT, WHEN? Where were you?

>> How would I have located you? >> I can't you now. You're married. Your wife would hate me. >> Well, she might say take him at this. [laughter]. >> She might be like, "Can you can you take. him?". >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, >> no. I I was wild. W I was wild. I was. wild. I was still I was still doing. comedy and stuff. >> Were you happy? >> Oh, yeah. [laughter]. >> That's a good description. >> In and out like a storm system. I I was. living my life and and I was learning. how to be a person, how to even think of.

myself in as a human, >> right? >> It's and people don't understand that. That's a real thing when you're in your. 20s and stuff. You you don't even see. yourself as a grown-up because you. coming out of living with your parents. or whatever. So, you got to start. learning how to be who you are and your. body and your who what you like, what. you like to eat, what you like to do for. fun. And I had fun. I had fun. I I had. my crushes. I had my horror phase. I had. it all. I I I I.

>> I try to I try to [laughter]. I I I JUST LIKE. >> real happy. >> No, because it's like when I when I am. on my deathbed, I'm going to be able to. go, I'm so glad I that dude. >> Yeah. [laughter]. >> And then you wake up 10 minutes later. >> Yeah. And then I'll be like, "Oh, >> I should have Conet. God damn it. >> God damn it. >> I'll be your cranberry. [laughter]. You're the one that got away. >> I'm the one that got away. Well, okay. So, uh it's funny. No, no, but you I'm.

bringing out people. [laughter] Um. but. >> we really do. >> I really do. >> You put it back. You really do. I really. do. You really do. >> I go into people and eradicate it. >> That's so funny. But like I said, I had. to learn that And and and you. know, man, I'm so glad that I took the. journey I took because it made me not. only a better person, it makes me a. better comic. Y. >> you know, and I tell everybody this all.

the time. Please just go through the. fire. >> Yeah. >> Don't avoid the fire. Don't put the fire. out. Just go through it. You come become. such a warrior. It just live your life. Go through that bad Don't avoid. it. be be like be your own best friend. >> You know what I'm saying? Not not a. Like if you knew a. you would tell them they were. If you're being an. tell yourself you're being an. >> It's okay. You go to sleep with. yourself, you wake up with yourself, you.

you eat with you better start. liking yourself. >> And once you do that, I swear you become. this person that emulates joy instead of. pain. you really want to go out and like. like ever since I've done what I've done. to get to where I am, every time I see. people if they're down, I'm like I'm. always like, "Come on, come through. this. Come on. You're so Everyone, this. is the problem, too. If everyone would. stop thinking that they're a normal. person, that they're just like the.

run-of-the-mill. That could stop so many. problems. You're not. You're a specific. piece of art that was made by God. >> A specific piece. No one's like you. No. one's like Colin Conan. I don't know why. I keep Colin talking about me. >> No one's like you. No one's like you. No. one's like no one in this room. You are. the only person that's you. And it's a. damn shame that you have put yourself in. a a closet instead of making the gallery. to show that art that God has made. And.

you down here trying to be somebody. else. Like that's not your mission. Your. mission is to be you. Cuz whatever is in. you that's been put in you is supposed. to help the equation of this community. And that's what we forgot. Community. Everybody is here for each other. Your. magic makes my magic. My magic makes. your magic. Everybody has magic. And. we're supposed to do it together. And. it's a damn shame you're not doing that. because it's so much self-hate. And I'm. going to tell everybody right now, the.

way to beat what's going on right now, all this hate is very proven. The only. way it's going to be beaten is by love. >> Love can only be hate. Hate can only. kill itself. Love multiplies. >> I'm telling you right now, you're going. to have to go into yourself. >> Just go into yourself, find that. negative and positive button, and just. click it on cuz only you can do it. And. it's not the easiest thing cuz once you. click it on, you're going to be tested. But go through the test. Go through it. Be who you are. That's okay. You're.

special. That's a Well, I bet do we have. an applause button? That's insane. [laughter] No, but what I'm saying Hold. on. Hold on. What you're. >> That was beautiful and perfect. One of. the things that really resonates with me. that I want younger people to know is. exactly what you said. I believe. everything that you're talking about. I. wouldn't have understood it in my 20s. Me neither. >> I don't think I would have understood it. in my 30s. When I look at my life, um,

you know, we are a culture that really, uh, puts youth on a pedestal, which is. fine, >> but at my age, >> I'm happier now than I used to be. because I've just been through a lot of. And. >> I really have that perspective now. And. when things are happening now, I tend to. look around and go, "Huh, well, this is. interesting." Um, >> and it's having a joy during the chaos. You got to keep a constant joy and you. got to seek joy. You can't wait for it.

to come to you. You got to seek it. >> and want it and hold it. And it makes. you, like you said, the chaos can be. going on and you'll be like, "This is. crazy.". >> This is crazy. Like I'm I didn't gotten. to the point of my life where when. things happen, I'll be like, "All right, so. >> what do we do? This we can do this.". Okay. But I'm not at the point where, oh. my god, my life. I auditioned for Last. Comic Standing. >> Mhm. And they didn't pick me, Conan. For. three days, I was in my bed crying.

>> Yeah. >> Could not understand. I can't get past. that. And now I look back at that and. go, god damn it, you wasted three days. of sunshine and wonderfulness. >> Yeah. >> Over that. But you know, >> but at that age, at that age, >> hindsight, 2020, >> I used to, and I've talked to many. people about this, and I've mentioned it. a lot, but I used to I've given speeches. about this, but I used to hit these. obstacles and I'd be told, "No." And I. would think, "That's it. It's over." And. I look at that guy now and I think, YOU.

WERE 27. >> What are you talking about? >> Your brain had just developed at 25. So, you're actually just two years old. >> Yeah. Honestly, but there are times when. I'm here in LA and I'm young person's. talking to me and they'll say, "Yeah, I'm 26." And they say it they say. [clears throat] it like I missed my shot. and I'm like, "Well, yeah, maybe if you. want to be in the Olympics and you. haven't started that sport yet, maybe. that's a tall hill to climb." But no, you're just getting started. >> And they don't know it. They. >> It's over until It's not over until. you're dead. That's what I tell people.

You know what I'm saying? Like And you. look at these young people and you want. to just go But they have to learn. Yeah, >> they have to learn their way. But what I. always tell the the hope. >> right now, you know, we had a lot more. hope I think in our generation. >> The hope now is just because it's. everything is just so played out. All. the rules are being broken. Our our uh. what do they call it? Our balances and. checks and balances. It's just. >> Well, also just civility. >> It's just so awful now. And I don't know.

if we went through a a stage of children. started raising children, you know what. I mean? And you know, I just I think the. internet is a piece of this. >> I really do think. >> piece of. >> I really do think the internet, >> it's not all of it, but we were suddenly. handed this. I mean, in the entire. history of humans, that's been, you. know, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds. and hundreds of thousands of years. And.

then literally. 3 seconds ago, we were handed this thing. that tells us what everyone's thinking. all the time. >> And that and that we should pay. attention to it and like it so we can. make sure that they feel validated. It's. dopamine. It's the worst drug that's. ever been put out online. And again, >> it's available to everybody. >> Yeah. And again, it pushes you got to be. famous to be anyone. And that's not. true. That's not true. I think the most. two most important people in the world.

are the garbage men and teachers. >> Mhm. >> That's what I think. >> Yeah. >> I've always thought that we who who's. going to take care of the garbage. >> Yeah. >> But the garbage men, they are. very important. Let them not be show up. to work. We. >> teachers. Everybody in here had to have. a teacher at some point in their life. Even if you didn't go to school, at some. point you had a teacher. >> Presidents have teachers. How are they. not the highest paid? What are we. striving for in this country? But to be. try to be better than what we always.

was. That's what the generations are, right? We want the generation better. We. And we advancing, but we're advancing in. >> like JCole said that congratulations. You came a long way, but I'm so sorry. you went the wrong way. >> You know what I'm saying? It's like it's. it's like we have we've oversatured. We're either all the way over here or. we're all the way over here. And until.

we learn that balance is what life is, we're going to be some miserable. People always go, "Oh, well, you know, why does this happen to. me and why does it?" It rains on the. just as it does the unjust. You do not, Mr. Rain just because you're special. You got to go through You got to. go through sadness to know what. happiness is. You don't know what. success is until you're not successful. You just you won't know the. difference. Like you got to have some.

reference and stop thinking of mistakes. as mistakes. Thinking of think of them. as levels. You start playing a video. game with your life. >> Oh, I beat that level cuz I promise. you're not going to get off that level. >> until you beat that level. And it's like. it's like appreciation is the way like. you said the internet has been listen. you should be happy you have a raggly. ass car. You should be happy you have a. one bit a studio. You could go to the. bathroom in the middle of the night.

You're blessed. You can get up and get a. glass of water out of your kitchen. Doesn't matter if your kitchen is right. there. But you could do it. You can warm. up your food. You got a car. You got a car. If you don't appreciate what you got. right now, what makes you think that you. should be blessed with more? That's just. like a parent. If you had a kid and you. gave a kid a ch a toy and they threw the. toy to the side and say, "I want another. toy." You going to be like, "Uh, excuse. me. Go play with the toy I just gave.

you. You why would I give you something. else when you just told me that that toy. was shit?". >> I'm telling everybody it it's it's all. the obvious things that you're thinking. is what is supposed to happen. We have lost our way. >> We've lost our way as just trying to. evolve. The change is we're so scared. We're. everything is happening right now. because. someone decided back in the day that we.

wasn't going to change. These was going to be the rules. This is. how. And Trump is a piece of But. Trump did come in here and show us that. our ain't as tight as we thought. >> Yeah. He literally is going, he's. telling everybody they're not going to. do anything. They're just going to. That's all they're going to do. And the Democrats are showing up to a. gunfight with a piece of cake. And the. old Democrats should know to just go.

away. Just sit down and let the more. progressive and aggressive Democrats. step up and fight this fight the way. that they're fighting it. Gavin Newsome. to me was great the way he was. responding. Everybody should respond. like that. We're scared of someone and I. don't know why we're scared of them. We're looking at the most obvious. problem and it's showing that us as a. community have been beaten to submission. and forgotten that we are the people.

We're the people. We're the people. Are. we going to watch this crumble down or. are we going to do something? And as. comedians, we're part of that, too. When. I go out, I try to make people laugh. like a because you need an. hour of relief, child. That's what our. job is. >> Our job is to take you away from your. problems for a little while and maybe. laugh at them too because you leave. there going, "You know what? That. ain't so bad." You know, that person. that was on stage just told me that. she's going through what I'm going.

through, too. >> Like, community, get out, touch some grass, get the turn your TV off. >> I'm not touching grass. Like, no. But. yeah, I'm not going to touch some. grass. You shouldn't touch. grass. [laughter]. >> You shouldn't touch grass. You should. >> You know what? I was with you the whole. way. >> You shouldn't touch grass. Not. >> touching grass. >> You would literally turn into a welp. >> Yeah. [laughter]. >> Let me mention this cuz it's important. No, no, >> preaching. >> That was good. That was fantastic. That.

was healing. Eduardo, I think you've. changed Eduardo's life. That was a. pursuit. >> You know, people want me to be. president, but I'm too hard. Just like. Ted Dansen asked me. He was like, "Yeah, but I'm going to implementate. I'm going. to imple imple how you implement. >> implement." See, I can't even say. implement. I'm worse than Trump. [laughter] Um, but I am going to implement volcanoes. >> Do you want volcanoes? >> Oh, we should definitely start throwing. people in the volcano. >> Oh, THAT'S WHAT YOU MEANT. LIKE. SACRIFICING. OH, SACRIFICES.

What are we sacrificing for? >> I don't That's what people do. Throw ass. in the volcano. this death center. Throw they ass in a volcano. Throw. throw a couple these in a. volcano and see if people start uh. showing what we got them for. >> What do we have volcanoes for? >> Yeah. Why did we get those volcanoes? >> What What are they for? Seriously, what. are they for? >> Well, I think they're there because. pressure within the earth, hot gases. needs to be expelled uh because of the. magma uh the liquid core. Of course,

plate tectonics probably plays a part in. it. >> Sure. And so for all those reasons, I. don't think uh that we have to throw. people into bulk. >> I think that we do. >> I think that we do. I think that we do. >> The debate of our times. >> I think that we do. I think that we do. I think that we It's so much cheaper. than the death sentence. >> And true. They are existing already. >> And I'm just saying we get one. helicopter, get one them them little. things and strap them to that and then. fly out the. >> Oh, you drop them like bombs.

>> Yeah. [laughter] like who and televised. that and let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. Since we are. throwing them in a volcano, >> it's going to bless us. [laughter]. >> Okay. I think you said a lot of really. beautiful, inspiring things and but you. ended on your strongest point yet, which. is we need to start throwing people into. volcano. >> The return of civility. >> No. >> Yeah. We got to bring. I love you look at a [laughter] if you. look at a timeline of your It's like. kindness, civility, we're in this.

together. >> Volcano. [laughter]. >> Hey, I meant to mention this. You have a. new HGTV show called Roast My Rental. >> where you, and this is really appealing. to one of your strengths, which is you. can tear someone apart. I know from. firsthand experience. You go into these. properties, right, and you look at these. properties that are not always the best. Was that a fair thing? >> Exactly what I said. It's stank in here. It's stank. [laughter] Why do you have.

There was a dude that had a picture of. himself at the end of the bed. Nobody. wants. >> You've been to my house. >> What the Why do you have a picture? >> By the WAY, THAT'S NOT A PICTURE. THAT'S. A POSTER. >> NO, BUT I'M SAYING [laughter] IT'S IN. THE VACATION RENTAL. I don't want to. wake up to the ran. He had. a picture of his family and I lost my. Conan, I I had to apologize to him. because he was like, "Oh, that's my. family." I said, "Man, nobody give a. about your family.". >> Oh my god, [laughter].

>> that's so great. >> So, this is you. This is you going. through This is you going through and. laying waste, telling them exactly what. they have to do to improve their. >> rental. And then I bring in my designer, Jasmine Roth, and she renovates it. She. makes it nice. >> Yes. And it we have we have done some. crazy properties. You would not believe. the delusion that people have about. their faith. Y'all, we did a spaceship. >> We did a spaceship. >> in Joshua Tree.

>> So, someone had a place that was. >> a spaceship. [laughter]. >> Let me spaceship. >> Let me see if I'm getting this right. >> In the desert. >> Spaceship in the desert. >> In the desert, homie. what snakes and. spiders is, homie. Like, and for real, when we were driving in there, I ain't. seen no people. So, I was like, "Oh, vampires." Immediately immediately. vampires. And then he drove up. So, I'm. fussing. I'm like, "This is crazy. Only. white people do this. Only white. people.".

And Matt and I are like high-fiving each. other. >> ONLY WHITE PEOPLE DO THAT. And then a. black guy drives up. >> He gets out the truck. I said, "Brother, what the how you going to buy a. spaceship?" And then the white girl got. out and I WAS LIKE, "OH." [laughter]. >> And everybody spaceship. >> fell out. Everybody fell out. It was so. funny. >> That sounds great. >> But that wasn't even the worst property. we did. So, >> all right. You've done 11 was It's 11. It's a 12 episode season. Says you're. 11. I don't know what's going on.

>> Maybe. >> you got. >> Maybe that's trying to tell me. something. [laughter]. >> But this sounds great. This sounds. really great. Like. >> so awesome. >> I had a horribly embarrassing, this made. me think of a horribly embarrassing. moment the other day. But we met some. people and I were chatting with them and. they were talking about, you know, oh. yeah, we'd love to see your house. And I. said, well, it's come on in. Cuz I'm. always that way. I always invite people. in. So I invited these people in who I. don't really know that well. And I was. showing around the house. What I forgot. is that my wife for my birthday, there.

was a when I was doing the Oscars, um, someone took a really good black and. white photograph of me holding the Oscar. and my wife just for fun got me a copy. of that picture and she put like a cheap. frame around it like as sort of a joke. and she leaned it and she had given it. to me and I went, "Oh, that's so nice.". And I just leaned it against the wall. It was just a quick nothing and we and. these people walk through and there's. this picture of me and I'm like they.

just think I'm the biggest in. the world. My wife was laughing but they. just thought I was insane and I just. thought of that when you said who has a. picture of themsself. >> Oh pictures of myself. I got so many. pictures of myself. >> If I go through your house, you're going. to have pictures of you. >> Oh my. And you know what? And I wasn't a. picture person when I got to SNL. I just. became a picture person. I was so good. at it, too. I got so many selfies and. pictures with people and and so when you. come in, I have a billion pictures. I.

love pictures. I love. >> You always say yes to pictures, right? >> Yes. >> Okay. I do, too. Do you realize that. we've each taken pictures with murderers. and maybe mass murderers? Cuz I think of. the. >> I always say yes to selfies. I never. really know who the person is. No. No. I. don't know who they are. I don't I don't. know who they are. I'm just saying you. know that you have a selfie with a. murderer. >> You mean just statistically? >> Statistically. Oh, >> statistically like it's like. >> statistically you've someone said, "Oh, I love you." And you put your arm around.

them. >> How would we find out? >> I don't think we do. Well, sometimes if. you show me the picture, I can tell you. >> Um that's a murderer. >> Oh my god. >> I'm telling you statistically you have. You've taken a picture with a murder. >> Yeah, cuz I've been to some some I've. been to Texas, so yeah. [laughter]. >> Well, it's a law there. You have to. murder. [laughter] Uh, well, this show. sounds fantastic. Uh, you are an absol. delight. You just really are. You just. >> Thank you so much.

That was that was No, no, but you. know stupid thing is I think I don't. think we got anything cuz we were. laughing most of the time. >> Well, yeah, until you said some really. beautiful, profound things. Then we got. into volcanoes. Um, [laughter]. >> but that might be my favorite that might. think about that. I think that that. y'all should go home. My favorite was. you said why do we have these volcanoes. if not just throw people into them. >> That's what I'm saying. They [laughter]. didn't listen. THEY DIDN'T BUILD THESE. THINGS. >> BUT I'M SAYING THEY DIDN'T did all the. other stuff it's supposed to do. It's. like hot lava waiting to be used.

>> You're right. They ain't making. buildings out of it. They're not making. nothing else out of it. Why we got hot. lava around here and we ain't doing. >> I am joining this campaign. We have. these volcanoes. They should be put to. use. We should start. Do you know how. awesome? Do you know how great that. everyone would start acting? People. would go to therapy. Everybody would be. like, "I do not want to die in a. volcano.". >> I know that I'd be thrown in very. quickly. [laughter]. >> But maybe that's for the good of the. earth. >> Um, Conan, you wouldn't make it to the.

top, dude. Just the heat emulsif. [laughter]. you get within like the volcano's 25. miles away. We're almost there. You look. back, you just smell I smell ham. cooking. >> You look down, there's just a skeleton. with a red pompador. >> No, it's more like corn beef. >> Yeah, corn beef. All right. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Leslie Jones, go with God. Go in peace. Please come back soon. And. >> you have to do fun of me. Anytime you.

like. Have a poke at a leprechaun. [laughter]. >> Make fun of him. >> It's for the good of all. >> I can imagine that voice. I would make. you do that voice if we had sex. >> Oh, >> I would. So, >> All right, I'm coming in. Here I am. coming in. >> I would I would want him to be like, "How do you want it, baby?". >> Oh, how would you like it? >> I'm Here I come. >> I'm on my way.

>> Okay. Sorry. Having a little trouble. >> Give me a second. [cheering]. >> Where is me? Where's me? Blue pill. >> [screaming]. >> What's the opposite of pornography? [laughter]. >> Ah, where's me blue pill? Oh, I'M. GETTING DISTRACTED. OH, NOW I'M on the. computer. No, I'm coming back. Pure. birth [laughter] control. Oh, it's birth. control. >> I know. >> Oh my god. >> Oh god. >> This is theility rates just dropped. around the least sensual podcast of all. time. >> I will record it and then sell it to.

TMZ. >> Oh yeah. [laughter] Yeah. >> That would be the best thing ever. >> You're like, well, we're good. We're. okay. >> Leslie, thank you so much. >> Thank you. >> I love you. Come just make fun of me. anytime and when you see me, just kick. the out of me. >> No, I I can't. Now I have to be nice to. you. Whenever I see you now, I'm going. just be nice to you and it's going to. piss you off every time. >> Kind of hate that.