Kevin Nealon Returns (FULL EPISODE) | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

[music] Hi, my name is Kevin Elen and I. feel nothing about being Conan O'Brien's. friend. You feel nothing. Nothing at. all. I'm dead inside. [music]. >> Hey everybody and welcome to Conan. O'Brien Needs a Friend. Joined as always. by Sonum Obsessian. >> Yes. >> And uh Matt Gorley. Hello. Um, we were. just talking about this a second ago and. I thought it was worth turning on those. mics and having this conversation. It's.

occurred to me a bunch that if I was. turned out into the real workforce now. >> as I am uh. with my whatever I'm going to call them. skills just to be generous to myself. I. would not be able to get any job. And I. do think. >> No, I'm being serious here. I don't. Yeah. Yeah. If you could wave a magic. wand and people, first of all, if they. didn't know who I was, that might be an. advantage. But, uh, if if I was thrown.

out into the world and I don't have the. ability to go, hey, maybe you've seen. some of my videos on YouTube or. whatever. You watched me in the old. days. Come on, let me work here at this. bar. If I didn't if I didn't have that. to work with and I just had to go by my. skills, I think I would starve to death. And I'm wondering I mean. >> history teacher I think you know you. could do you could be a. >> but they have to know I don't have a I'm. not disciplined about it. I like to read. all that stuff and I have a lot of weird. knowledge but I can't teach a class and.

I shouldn't teach a class. Um. >> you give everyone A's. You'd just feel. bad. I feel like. >> if you read it you'd be like oh they. tried. >> I said if if a kid was really dumb I'd. really go after him. I try and I mean. after school I'd like follow him and. [laughter] then. >> Okay. Oh yeah, I thought you meant. [clears throat]. >> like I'm going to kill you. That kind of. I'll get you. I'll kill you. I'd put a. bag over my head, [laughter]. you know, to get you. >> You think Mr. O'Brien, why you have that. bag on your head? [laughter].

>> It's so. >> And then I forget that. Oh, the. McDonald's wrote my name on the bag as. they [laughter] did. >> You think that's the only thing that. would conceal you is a bag? Yeah, I'd. have a bag on my head, but I'd be. wearing a original Late Night with Con. O'Brien [laughter] shirt. >> and I'd have written on it, "This is. mine because I'm the host. >> in indelible ink." [laughter]. >> Before you Mr. O'Brien, why do you have. that on your head? >> Um, before you were known, did you have. any like entry- level regular jobs that. weren't in the industry or anything like.

that? >> Uh, well, I, as we know, I worked at. Wilson's House of Suede and Leather. I. was a camp counselor. You can go back. Um I I mean a lot a lot of my stuff was. not I don't have real skills in the. world and this. >> this is a problem and and I look I'm. going to say that about myself but I'm. questioning like Sona. >> yeah I think of you when I when I met. you you were a very hardworking. efficient uh knowledgeable person I'm.

being serious why you laughing I know. where this is going. No, but listen. But. then I saw you rot so quickly. [laughter]. >> This is where I. >> I mean, seriously, rot just fall apart. because suddenly, oh, there's lots of. free white wine around at at in network. events and and suddenly you're just. getting paid to be on camera and tell me. to off. What I'm saying is. >> or true. Could you. >> Well, let's say we and and what I'm. doing for with this exercise is saying.

you cannot you cannot go into. entertainment or anything like that. You. have to get a job where they don't know. who you are. You can't trade on the fact. that you might be a known person. And. for you, you can't do anything podcast. related. Thank God. >> What would you do? >> I I actually think about this. >> Okay. >> Um. >> you should by the way. [laughter]. >> Wait, there's a reason you're bringing. this up. So, the fact that you took no. responsibility in what happened to me. and how I've devolved as a person, you. are a circus clown. And so, no part of.

my job is ever serious. And I realized. early on my job was to be fodder for. your bits. And so, everything else just. fell by the wayside. So, it's your. fault. >> So, it's my fault. Okay. >> Yeah. >> So, >> you know what this feels like? >> I think I have contributed. No doubt I. have contributed. >> You're right. The wine helped. You. always have to see your own hand in. things. Yes. And you rotted so quickly. >> I did. [laughter]. >> Guys, guys, guys, hold on. Hold on a. second. >> What? >> Let's continue this discussion cuz I.

want real answers later uh in this uh in. this presentation. What do you think? >> Okay. I think that's a great idea. So, to be continued for the segment at the. end of this episode. >> Yeah. >> All right. Sounds good. [music]. I met you in uh the beginning of 1988. Uh I was in the writer room at Saturday. Night Live and uh you walked in with. Dana and I was very excited to meet you.

>> I feel like I have Alzheimer's. You're. trying to remind me of what happened. >> Your name was Kevin Nean and you're a. comedian. >> at the time and then you got out of. that. >> I did. >> You're more into real estate now. >> No, >> I am thrilled. No. >> Well, it's real estate. It's very. lucrative. >> I don't know when he's kidding or not. [laughter]. >> I am thrilled that you're here. And for. you to say you feel nothing after all. these years of us being very close. Very. close. >> I'll tell you why I said that. Because. I've felt everything already and there's. nothing more to feel about you.

>> Hate, anger, [laughter] jealousy, all of that. >> Um. >> I'm determined today to keep this thing. running smooth. >> [laughter]. >> In the past have some kind of in the. past we've had difficulties. Um you and. I are not real people and when we. encounter each other it's like two AI. chipmunks having it out. >> When you mean you. >> No, no, no. You two you know that you. have a problem. You don't look me in the. eye. >> I've been constantly looking at your. eye. [laughter].

>> Just one eye. >> Two of them. That's the problem. You. just look at one eye. >> I don't want to look at the other eye. >> Uh [laughter]. >> it's not a good eye. You know that. Um, thrilled you're here. Thrilled. you're here. And you were just down the. street. I wasn't able to join you. You. kindly invited me. And you were you were. sitting with some heavy hitters. And of. course, >> I always sit with heavy hitters. >> Yeah. Um, >> normally when I do a podcast, I get. together with the host beforehand and. kind of, you know, break bread and we. kind of talk about what we're going to. talk about. But. >> I didn't a lot of prep on this.

>> I didn't want to do that. No. No. We're. going in as we always do. >> Hot. >> Uh, hot. We're coming in hot. Coming in. hot. >> How are you? You're on the road a lot. I. know you're constantly on the go. Um, you have a new special coming out. I. mean, this is these are exciting times. >> These are really exciting times. I got a. lot of things I want to talk about here. So, when you're done footing. around, let's get down [laughter] to it. >> Just a little more pussyooting. >> Uh, no, things are going well. I I am. very busy. I'm doing a lot of standup.

comedy. Um, and I'm really at the top, as Gary Shanley used to say, Kevin, you're at the top of your game. >> Yeah. Well, you are. I've never seen you. not be at the top of your game. I know. you're you're. >> We're talking about pickle ball, right? >> No, [laughter] no. We're not doing that. We're not doing Let's not do that. You. disarmed my I was going to seriously say. I I think you're uh one of the best. stand-up comedians I know consistently. for for many many many years. I've never. seen you not be at the top of your game. Uh you're just uh you're a winner and if. you were a hot dog, you'd be a wiener.

This is why I'm this is why I'm at the. bottom of your game. >> At the bottom of [laughter] my game. That reminded me of a really funny. cartoon I saw once is a hot dog opening. his mail and it said uh he's at the you. know little mailbox and it. >> by the way I love food jokes [laughter]. and the caption is you may already be a. wiener and that's such a good one. I. love that. That's a good one. >> That's a good one. I like that one. >> All right. [laughter] Uh oh. >> Glass of water. >> So um what's going on? Stop. >> How are you buddy? >> I'm doing great. How many times you. going to ask me that? [laughter].

>> How are you? >> I'm doing really well. How you doing? >> Like you know we come right out of the. gate. I do have a special coming up. It's called Loosen the Crotch. >> Loosen the crotch. Now, can you tell us. what that's all about? >> Uh, >> the title the title I will give you. >> I know it's probably material you don't. want to waste here because special if. you want right now. I have it memorized. >> I prefer that. >> Um, loosen the crotch comes from um a. cat I used to have named Pierre. >> And I love this cat so much. And I'm not. a cat person. You know what I mean? I. don't like cats to be honest with you, right? >> I wish them well. Success, but.

[laughter] I'm not a cat person. >> What kind of success do you want? any. kind of cat success. >> Yeah, I got it. Yeah. [laughter] In the. cat tree one day cat tree maybe, >> you know, produce some good hair balls, you know, something that's good. >> Yeah. >> Um, so this cat was amazing. He was just. so friendly and um and I I just I loved. him. I loved him. This is 10 years ago. he passed away. >> Mhm. >> And I had a pair of jeans at the same. time. And these jeans were like the. perfect fitting jeans. You know how you. get a pair of jeans once in a lifetime.

and you just love them? >> It's that magical pair. It's that. magical pair. I know it's hard for you. cuz you have long legs like me. Like me. And so I found these jeans that were. snug in the hips, um, tighten the butt. and loosen the crotch most of the time. >> Mhm. >> Uh, that's where the loosen the crotch. comes from. >> Most of the time. You mean if you became. aroused, they weren't loose anymore. >> Well, no, [laughter] I didn't say that. I said if you put them in the hot dryer, you know, I don't know where your mind's. going, [laughter]. >> but can I finish? May I finish? >> I know exactly where my mind went, but.

yeah. Go ahead. So, uh, he loved those. jeans. Whenever I sat down, he would. jump up in those jeans. He wouldn't get. off. And so, when he died, I thought it. might be nice to wrap him up in those. jeans and bury him. It make me feel good. at least, you know. >> Um, but that cat, you never met Pierre? >> I don't think so. >> No, he was the best. 10 years ago, >> I still miss him. >> Yeah. >> But not as much as those jeans. [laughter]. >> So, you miss the jeans more than Pierre? >> Yeah. >> Do you And you regret rapping Pierre in. those jeans? >> Big time. I regret it big [laughter].

time. If I could do it again, I would. not. >> Quick question. Quick question. Yeah. Where you from? >> Where is he buried? [gasps]. >> Oh, he's buried in Arlington. [laughter]. >> Wow. >> Yeah. >> Did buried with full military honors, [laughter]. >> of course. >> Did I'm guessing the cat must have. served. >> Um, >> in what theater? [laughter]. >> Afghanistan. >> No. Cinniplex. But no, he he he's done. everything this cat. Uh, in fact, [clears throat] that's how he died. >> What do you mean? >> He was on a special mission. Okay, I.

[laughter] see. That's Yeah. >> So, died in the line of duty, uh, buried. with full military honors, wrapped in. your jeans at Arlington. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> Incredible. This is an incredible story. >> And, you know, my wife was telling me a. couple of years ago that I was u jeans. were looking a little tight on me. I. said, I've been wearing the same jeans. for 30 years. She goes, "Well, you. believe what you want to believe." So, you could prove a point. So, I dug up my. cat, Pierre, and I unraveled those jeans. from him. Cat hair everywhere. I tried. those jeans on, and guess what? >> What? Little tight. [laughter].

>> That's the big cat. That's the big Oh, Henry ending. Little tight. [laughter]. >> Just a little tight. Dro a little bit. >> That cat though lost so much weight. Conan, [laughter] good for him. I got a. healthy amount of weight. >> Yeah, that happens when you. >> Not an unhealthy. >> decay, of course. Um, so yeah, it's. called Loose in the Crotch. >> Okay. >> And it's going to be on YouTube January. 27th. It's premiering on uh the 800 lb. gorilla platform. >> Very good. >> You're not writing that down. >> I don't have to. It's all right here. >> To remember for you.

>> YouTube, the 800 pound gorilla platform. I listen to everything you say. >> What's the date? >> You said March 11th. >> Oh, [laughter]. >> January 27th. What's the name of my cat? >> Wait, say it slowly. January. You just. said January. >> January 27th. If you're going to make. sure that you get the plug in, make sure. you do it correctly. The cat's name is. Pierre. Buried full military honors. >> I think we're done. >> No, we're done. We're going to keep. going. [laughter] I did not despair. >> Um, yes. January 27th. >> Okay. >> Um and it um it's going to be on YouTube.

on the 800 lb gorilla platform. >> Okay. Yeah. You're just repeating. yourself now. >> Now, let me What was the name of my cat? >> Pierre. >> and. >> uh buried in. >> and he was a nice cat. >> Yeah. Listen, Kevin. [laughter]. >> I just want to have a conversation with. you once in your life. >> You don't want a conversation with me. You and I, even when we get together, just the two of us, there's no. microphones. There's no Sona laughing. There's no gory looking worried. Um, [laughter].

whenever we get together, just the two. of us, it's the same You and I. don't want to have a real conversation. I know I don't. It would terrify me. And. I don't think you do either. >> Here's uh something that I do. I don't. know if you do this as well, but you. said just the two of us. >> Iatically automatically think of the. song. >> Just the two of us. >> Just the two of us. No matter what you. say, >> we can make it if we try. Just the two. of us. >> I didn't know you couldn't sing. [laughter]. Come on, man. Let's just do this. [laughter].

>> What are you writing down over here? You. have a diary. >> I just wrote something off which was my. career. You took me out of the game. You. took me out of the game. You took me out. of the game. [laughter]. >> That was brutal. That was a brutal take. down. >> But the standup is going great. >> And uh a lot of. >> Let me ask you a question. I saw some. press recently. Um, you shut off your. big mouth. >> about going to the SNL 50th and you said. I blocked Conan O'Brien with Paul. McCartney and it got a lot of ink. I. mean, I saw this everywhere. And by.

everywhere, I saw it on one site and I'm. still looking, but it was everywhere. >> Have I been on the show since then? >> No. >> Okay. Can we talk about that? >> Yeah. So, [clears throat]. >> I still I still. >> Do you feel badly about it? >> Horrible. >> But you did it on purpose. I'm at the. Plaza Hotel. >> and there's McCartney. We've encountered. each other many times over the years. We. start having a nice chat, a really nice. chat, and then you come sailing in. uh and block me with Paul McCartney. You.

know, I'm a huge Beatles fan. Why'd you. do that? >> Well, let's back up a little bit. >> How far are we going? >> Down to the 60s. [laughter]. >> 1960s. Okay. >> I experienced that same thing. That's. why I felt horribly about it. I was. talking to people in the, you know, another day, another u the night before. and people just coming and interrupting. me like I was nothing and just taking. over the conversation. I'm just standing. there. So when I did that to you, it was. kind of like a revenge thing. [laughter].

>> A revenge but revenge, but not against. me cuz I hadn't done that to you. >> Yeah, but somebody's got to take it. You. know what I mean? >> Yeah. >> So anyway, um, >> did you have something good to talk to. McCarthy about? >> Nothing. But I used to we used to be. kind of friendly when I was on the show. and he was there. Mhm. >> Um because we're both kind of animal. activists and um and we talked a lot. about that and Linda McCartney sat at my. table when at that other uh reunion. >> and so you know we had a lot of. discussions and stuff. So I saw him I. go, "Oh, he's going to be happy to see. me." So I kind of come into the.

conversation with you guys and you. stepped back like you should have. >> Yeah, I'm nice that way. I created a. space for you which I now regret. I. regret it too cuz it made it look like. you got pushed out instead of staying. >> Also, I was at a great point in the. conversation. >> McCartney said to me, "I'm thinking of. putting another band together. Would you. like to be part of it?" And all I had to. do was say yes. And I was going to be. part of his next band. He said, "I think. it'll be the biggest one I've ever had.".

And I said, >> "Is it his ghost?" It was the ghost. [laughter] of McCartney's ghost. >> Yeah, it's the ghost of McCartney. And. he said, you know, [laughter] I'm going. to, you know, be three other ghosts that. visit you tonight, the other Beatles, and you better become a better person in. the morning and realize that you mean. you Christmas. >> But anyway, um, >> all right. So, let me continue. >> I'm going to do more of my bed. [laughter]. >> Okay. >> It's McCartney as one of the ghosts, and. the other ghosts are of course Lennin. and Ringoar. And then the twist is it's. not Harrison. >> Oh, >> yeah. Harry Bellfonte. Harry. >> Okay. Go ahead. [laughter].

>> So, you step back, all of a sudden it's. me and Paul now. I go, "Hey, Paul, how. you doing?" "You know, good." The ghost. had come back. Yeah. >> And uh and I really had nothing to say. about him. >> You had nothing. And I know that he's. standing there getting so much small. talk all night long. I'm surprised he's. out on the floor, but people are coming. up to him and I'm standing next to him. and uh I I'm sensing that he doesn't. remember who I was. Yeah. >> You know, and uh. >> he made a face at me like, "What do I. do?" [laughter]. >> That's what he did. And he said, "Get.

security.". >> Wait till you hear what he did. >> Okay. So I I say to him, "That was a. good choice of a song to do." Uh, Golden. Slumbers. Well, you know, Lone wanted me. to do it. Yeah. Oh, okay. Okay. But you. guys had other songs you could fall back. on, right? >> And nothing. Nothing. Kind of like now. crickets. [laughter]. It was my fault. And. >> if only he had one other hit, they could. have fall back on. Yeah. So anyway, shortly thereafter, and by the way, the whole time I'm. looking at his mouth thinking that's the. lips where Hey Jude, all those songs.

came out of, you know, and I'm kind of. looking at it and then I see the tongue. once in a while go that's the tongue. That's the tongue that pushed the the. music out. >> This was [laughter] such a This was a. >> I didn't say that to him. >> It was so creepy. >> Yeah. No, but he you I could see you. just staring into his mouth [laughter]. AND HE GUESS WHAT? HE COULD SEE IT, TOO. NO, NO, YOU were looking into his mouth. as he was talking. >> No, I look at the lips, the way they. formed the words. I said that was a word. he used in Hey Jude, you know, and and. then finally he goes to me. He said, uh,

oh, there's my there's my niece. Oh, nephew. He goes, let me introduce you to. my nephew. So, he brings me over to like. four tall guys, you know, like. executives they look like. Yeah. >> And he parks me there. He stands for. like three seconds, then he's gone. >> Yeah. >> He just did the handoff for me. And I. knew when he left, >> you know what that's called? That's. called the kneeling. [laughter] When. you're talking to someone you don't want. to talk to and you scrape them off your. shoe. That's what we call it because we. all do it to you [laughter] because you. look at our mouths when we're talking.

and it's creepy. None of us can take it. I've [laughter] scraped you off my shoe. many a time. I've said, "Hey, look. There's my niece and my nephew." And. then I walk over and it's a fire hydrant. and a letter box. And I just leave you. there. >> Hey, come on. Let's get off of this. whole thing. Let's talk serious for a. minute. Okay. >> Okay. It's seriously. But anyway, go. ahead. >> No, it's not. It's however you say it. Have you read textes lately? >> What? >> Texts? Have you read texts lately? Nobody uses pronunciation or. >> [laughter]. >> uh punctuation.

>> Okay. >> Do you know what I mean? Do you know how. they finish it? >> Oh, the smiley face emoji just came out. of your mouth. [laughter]. >> All right. So, um. >> what what happened? >> So, that's what happened with Paul. McCartney. >> Yeah. No, we still reeling. >> We understood that we moved on from. that. You didn't need to then say, "Oh, and by the way, that was the end of that. story." That's a sign that something's. not working out for you. >> Why are you so angry? >> I, [laughter]. you know, I'm gonna say something. Bill. Burr said this to you recently. >> I love Bill Bird who the comic.

>> He's a hilarious comic. He's a wonderful. fellow. >> Angry. >> Guess what he revealed about you. He. said, "Everyone thinks you're a nice. guy.". >> Really? >> But you're really pretty toxic. And you. are. There's a lot. >> Bill said that. >> Bill Burr said it about him. [laughter]. >> That's really saying something. >> You know what? You come across as this. beautiful, you know, delicious red. delicious apple, but there's little. razor blades in there with Kevin Neil. and jibs and jabs. You see it too, right? He knows how to dice and slice. with the best of them. There's some. anger coming out of you. I know there. is. >> I love how you end it with a sip of.

coffee. >> Yeah, >> if that's what that is. >> That's coffee. >> No, I appreciate I appreciate you. First. of all, let's go back recognizing that I. am a good comic. >> You're a great comic. >> And what's the greatest name special by. the way? >> Uh, your com It's called Loose in the. Crotch. Yeah. >> Your cat's name was Pierre. >> and it's going to be on YouTube and it's. coming out in. >> January. >> What? >> Well, that's where it gets interesting. [laughter]. >> That's not interesting. It's sad. It. gets sad cuz you can't remember. >> It's the 27th. >> Uh, you know how I remember that? [laughter].

>> Yeah. So, to help you. >> No, I remember cuz 2 plus 7 is nine. >> What? >> And what platform will it be on? >> What's that? >> What platform? YouTube. >> I told you it was going to be on. YouTube. On the 800 lb gorilla. >> Yes. Yes, I do listen special. >> Well, apparent according to some. critics, too long. I said it was an. extra 20 minutes you didn't need. [laughter]. >> There was a whole part where you were. just talking about airline food. No one. needed that. I uh I've always revered. you. You know that. Don't start doing a.

bit with the water glass. >> I'm listening to you. >> No, you're not. You're doing You're. You're more worried about your bit with. the water glass than you're about. talking to me. >> Why is everything a bit for you? >> It's not a bit. >> Why are you so defensive like I'm a. pretty serious guy when you think about. it. You are um multi-talented. You. really are. You're hilarious. Uh comic. and then you do this thing. You come out. of the blue a couple of years ago. >> You um not that long ago and I guess you. were developing this in private. Um you. come out with these caricatures and. they're fantastic and you did a book of.

caricatures and they're really amazing. and whenever you call me the image that. comes up is your caricature of yourself. you're very talented at this and uh I. just wanted to do my cap to you and. wonder why still no second book. The. first book was great and I keep waiting. for you to do a caricature of me one of. your heroes. >> First of all, I've never had anyone do. their hat to me and I appreciate that. >> You don't get out much then. >> I And you also don't travel. >> I don't hang out with people.

>> 19th century London. [laughter]. >> No, but Siri, you're very. >> I love doing the caricatures. I've been. doing them for, you know, more seriously. in the last couple of years, but I used, you know, I sketched you a lot when we. were doing uh you did um you know, writing Hans and Fr and SNL and uh I. used. >> you would you were always in the corner. drawing and um you once drew my shoe. I. used to take. >> I would take I would wear old man's. shoes when I was a writer, wing tip. shoes that I got at secondhand stores,

you know, flea markets. I would if I. found a shoe that was my size, I would. buy it. This was one of my weird things. I did. And I wear jeans and a t-shirt. and then these old like 1950s and60s. shoes. You can relate to this, gory. >> Well, I think you'd like me to, but no, you've gone even [laughter] too far for. me. >> I mean, people died in these shoes. And. it's like your cat these I mean, and so. I would wear these shoes and then. sometimes when we were writing, you all. do things when you're bored, you're. trying to come up with an idea. I would. take off one of my shoes and I would put. it on the table and just look at it.

while I was thinking. >> You rearrange it a little bit, shift it. around. >> Yeah. And I would look at this old man's. shoe that I wore and you once sketched. me looking at my shoe. >> Yeah. Yeah. That, by the way, is that. MoMA now? >> Yeah. >> That particular one is. >> Is it MoMA? [laughter]. >> Yeah. >> So, yeah. So, I've been doing a lot of. >> You invested nothing in that lie. [laughter] You You quickly realize this. company is not going to work. I'm out. >> I'm a pro. I hit and run. >> Hit and run.

>> You [laughter] know, let's not lose any. uh time. But um people are always asking. me, can I buy one of your paintings? And. I never was really selling them. I just. had the book. >> Yeah. >> And so now I opened up a store on. Shopify. Kevin kevin neonart.com. >> Is that true? This is your second plug. How many more plugs does he get? >> One more after this. >> He gets two more plugs, says uh Oh, >> two more. Okay. >> So um so yeah, people can go there and. um and buy my paintings if they like. >> and uh it's quite easy. And in fact, I. do have one of you that I did. >> Oh, you did one of me.

>> No, you didn't. Did you really? >> I think you suspected it, but um. >> No, no. I bitched at you for a while. because you've never done a proper one. of me and I was a little hurt because. you were doing all these He was He was. doing all these other people you didn't. even know. >> Like, oh, here's. >> because I've been to your offices before. and you have so much fan art. >> So many different characters of you and. drawings. Um there's no more orange. paint out there. I can't find any more. orange paint. >> Okay. [laughter] All right. That's a. good That's a good one. >> Anyway, this is it. And it's uh it's my.

attempt. That's my first attempt. >> You see my chair? [laughter]. >> Oh my god. incredible. >> That is amazing. That is so good. >> Jesus, that oil. >> That is amazing. That's beautiful. >> Oh my god. I love that. >> I'm You know what? How long I had to. look at a reference picture of you. [laughter]. >> You can't remember. >> I know every I got the vein in the wrong. area now that I'm looking. >> [laughter]. >> But uh. >> there's that incipient.

ivy. >> That's incredible. That is really a. beautiful. >> Thank you. But you know your hands. really would explain that face cuz they. were like this. >> Yeah. >> You know how you kind of. >> I Well, you know what I'm trying to do? This is me, I believe, last year at the. Oscars. And. >> this is at the Oscars. >> And this is me. I make I put my hands. out sometimes when the crowd's so. enjoying my material, I'm afraid they. might surge forward. >> Okay. And I need to keep them back. Do. you know what I'm saying? >> Kevin Neilanart.com. [laughter]. >> Okay. >> You know what I'm saying?

>> This is a That's incredible. Now, tell. us what what uh what are you using here? Are you using acrylics? Are you using. oils? What are you using? >> Crayon. It's all [laughter] cray. >> Okay. All right. >> I'll tell you what I'm using since you. asked me. It's it's called multimedia. unique, I believe it's called. So, there's different um [gasps]. >> different mediums. It's a sketch. I. sketch and then I do digital and then I. do paint. >> It's really gorgeous. >> Thank you. >> Are you giving this to me or is this. something I. >> No, you get this on the store.

[laughter]. >> Hey, you put this up on the store. This. would be huge. >> It's going to be huge. Believe me. And. by the way, I was going to put something. on the back. It's going to say, "This. belongs to Conan. Do not accept as a. regift [laughter]. cuz I know I know you got a lot of this. stuff going on." No, I I just I I love. that. I think you're I mean, you're a. phenomenal talent across the board. You. really are. >> I am. But you know what? What? >> I don't like to do my hat to it. [laughter]. >> It's It's more cap. You do your cap. You.

tip your hat. thing. >> No. Just No. >> So, um [clears throat]. >> you Okay. >> Uh you want to talk some more about my. accomplishments? >> Well, I [laughter]. about the podcast is I do know that I. used to sketch pictures of Farley. >> Chris Farley sitting. >> across uh not that Farley. No, Kevin. Farley. [laughter]. >> Farley, you're such a huge You know what. you want? I'm. >> telling the audience it was Chris. Farley. Black hole audience it was Chris.

Farley. >> You You know what? Light can't escape. you and neither can a decent. conversation. It [laughter] all gets. sucked into that black m. >> Here's the problem. We are both magnets. but with opposite uh polar. >> attraction. >> Yeah. And neither one of us. wants to be serious with each other. because we know what. [laughter]. I [laughter] just I I don't know. I.

don't know what to do anymore. I don't. know what to do, you know. >> Well, you know that uh. >> that was a real sneeze. THAT WAS A REAL. SNEEZE. [laughter]. CAME OUT OF THERE. What if there was. snot coming out of there? >> No, I swear to God, I think I'm allergic. to this whatever we have. [laughter]. I've never sneezed like that on the. podcast and it just came up right there. when you couldn't even complete a.

sentence with me. >> No, no, you couldn't complete the I gave. it to [laughter] you and you couldn't. complete it. >> I said we're two polar opposites. Uh and. that's because And then you sneezed. >> I think we both have similar talents. uh. we occupy. uh the same band in the whole array. If. you think of a rainbow, there are many. different colors, many different. frequencies of light. >> Oh jeez. [laughter]. >> It's your fault. I'm going to put this.

down cuz I think it's distracting us. And thank you very much for this. >> You don't like it? >> I love it. There's a shredder down. there. >> Let's talk about sneezing for a minute. [laughter]. [gasps]. >> I can make a sneeze really loud. >> Yeah. I mean, it's I scare my family. sometimes because I don't have to make. it loud, but I can make it, you know, come the not the breathing in, but the. coming out. >> Yeah. Yeah. It's a. >> It's like a Yeah. Now, you know, my. wife, the whole house um freaks out when I. sneeze because it's a shriek. It's a.

loud shriek. Does Tac do this? It's a. thing that men do. >> I do it. I'm a loud sneezer. Yeah. I. like getting it out. >> No, me too. I want to get it out. I. think that's safer. And if you muffle. it, I always think I'll get an aneurysm. So, I go the other way and I shriek as. if I'm being stabbed to death when I. when I sneeze. You do the same. >> Uh, mine is more like a, >> you [laughter] know, it's really loud. though. And I'm telling you, it scares. my sneezing. I don't think you're.

sneezing. >> No, it's a sneeze. >> No. No. [laughter] I think you own a. laser. >> I swear. It's like this. >> I swear to God. I don't think you're. sneezing. That's not a sneeze. >> We were walking down the sidewalk in. Chicago. >> Who's we? >> Uh Pierre. >> Okay. >> My wife, [laughter]. Idiot. >> Oh, my son and my wife. >> Okay. >> Susan and Gable. And I sneezed. And. there was a family of four with a. stroller in front of us, like maybe five. yards in front of us. >> And I sneezed.

so loud. >> Everybody jumped. The family turned. around. What? What? [laughter] And I was. kind of embarrassed. So I was looking. around like, who did that? [music]. >> You just brought up your wife and your. son. I'm huge fans of theirs. Um your. your wife's. >> likewise. >> was beautiful. Talking about your wife. now. Um gorgeous. You know, my wife very.

beautiful as well. But. >> but well, what happens is familiarity. breeds contempt. [laughter]. We look at each other every day and uh. No, we're both very lucky men. >> But my god, your son, I'm going to say. his name, Gable. >> Yeah, >> what a handsome, polite young man. He is. so polite in an oldworld kind of way. That's a guy who would do his cap to me. if he could afford a cap. >> You're not a big earner. My point is he. is uh he's just an incredible fellow.

>> Thank you. And he loves you, too. Of. course he does. >> He does impressions of you. In fact, >> what? >> He does impressions. >> Well, now I don't like him so much. What. are they? Cruel impressions? >> No, they're right on. He He finds the. little nuances of people. He's a really. good mimic. He will come over to you and. and he's doing you to me. He'll come. over and grab my shoulders and go, you. know, got to do something like, you. know, whatever you say. >> Yeah. Get in there. You know, >> I I'm I I like to grab a man by the. shoulder and Sona. Um, I like to I like.

to grab a shoulder. I like to get hands. on people. This has caused me problems. in the past. Subways. Uh, but I like to. um when I see a fellow like you, I like. to just grab you and take stock of you. See how you're doing. >> You want to say something like, "What am. I going to do with you?". >> Yeah. Yeah. What are you going to do? >> Well, that's just my inner voice. There's an inner voice, inner part of. me. >> There's a lot of like pent up like um. >> anger, rage. >> Yeah. >> I want to kill you. >> That is true. So, um, [clears throat].

my wife and I since she brought her up, we are executive producers. I said, I. think you know on a, um, Sundance winner. >> called Come See Me in a Good Light. It's. a documentary. >> This is very. >> Did you see it? Yeah. >> It's on Apple TV right now. >> And you know what? This is incredible. That's your I think you're up to three. plugs now. You get one more plug. >> Um, >> I'm going to go I'm going to recap on. some of these, too. >> Okay. Did you get when you work with. your wife, can you get along or do you. disagree a lot? >> Oh, no. We get along great. Yeah, she's. a good partner. >> Okay. >> But the executive producing um it's it's.

we're two of the people then there's. there's several others. So it's uh it's. quite and it's a great uh it's a great. documentary and I think you'd be hearing. a lot about it. >> Okay. Well, you're hearing about it. right now because it's another plug. >> When is this coming on? By the way, >> this will be out February 9th. [laughter]. >> Did you think this was going right out? >> I thought it was live. No, I thought. February 9th 26. >> [laughter]. >> 27. >> very n Okay, I can deal with that.

>> Um, [clears throat]. >> it cost to do this podcast. >> There's a lot of overhead. >> I know you don't pay attention to that. stuff. >> There's a lot of overhead. >> Do I love this building? >> A great building. >> Do you own it? >> Uh, let's just say this. >> Look at me. Look at me. >> I do. >> I own this building. >> Do you really? >> Yeah. I hate to break it to you, but I. um I own a lot of real estate in Los. Angeles. I'm the largest land owner in. Los Angeles. [laughter]. I own. >> What about buildings? >> I No, I just own I don't own the.

buildings. And this has been a problem. I did the wrong thing. >> It's hard to get to your land when. there's a building on it. >> Small I bought small pieces of land in. and around uh buildings that I don't. own. >> And I'm talking very small. >> What's your favorite uh piece of land. that you own? [laughter]. >> Catalina, >> come on. Can we please just This is all. going on. >> You know what? I I'm going to just ask. listeners get a transcript of this and I. think they're readily available. >> What's the name of the documentary I was. talking about? >> Uh we're not going to. >> come see me in a good light. >> Yeah.

>> And it's on Apple TV right now. >> Yeah. >> And um it's a love story, Conan, if. you're interested. >> No, really? Then I guess you and I. aren't in it. Uh [laughter]. >> I. I'm going to give you that one. I'll. give you that one. >> What do you mean you'll give me that. one? I don't need you to give me. anything. My quips are as good as. anyone. My quabs. They're right up there with the best. [laughter] What happened there? What was. that? We're not gonna air this. Do you. want to not air this one? [laughter]. >> Are you seriously thinking about it?

>> I'm thinking about it. [snorts]. >> Um, so it's a good It's a real good. documentary. >> Don't stop doing that. You keep. retreating. You're going to be back at. McCartney soon. >> I plugged it [laughter] all. You What? You got some nephews over there? Some. nieces. >> I have plugged everything. Now, >> do you root for me? Be honest. I Do you. root for me? I think. >> Tell me what you think. >> I think you don't. I think you want me. uh to be destroyed and then you get to. come along and give me a hand up. That's. what you want to do. Hey buddy, just. walk it off. You put your hand out. I. take it, but then you pull it away and.

you do that thing where you brush the. side of your head. [laughter]. >> What do you think, Garly? You seem. stunned. >> I'm just stunned by the fact that you. would ask someone if they root for you. [laughter]. >> That's purely Do [laughter] you root for. me? Pardon me, sir. Will you root for me? >> He's really sad. >> I could really use someone to root for. [laughter] me. I want everyone rooting. for me. >> And if And that's why I go up to people. and say, "Do you root for me? Do you. [laughter] root for me?".

>> Sometimes I'm talking to someone with a. terminal illness and I'll say, "Do you. root for [laughter] me? Do you root for. me?" And they're like, "I have maybe. minutes left in this consciousness on. this earth and you're asking me if I. root for you." Do you do you do you root. for me? Jesus Christ. >> That's what you do right there. You take. the bit and you run with it. >> I like it. That's what it is. [laughter]. I know your stuff. I told you that. before. So, >> I take a bit and I run with it. That's. what most people do. >> I was not rooting for you, but I'm happy. for you. >> Thank you. [laughter].

>> I don't think you are. You once on this. very podcast. >> My family loved you. >> You You cried. You cried saying how. surprised you were that I had gotten. anywhere in sad for you. [laughter] I. was sad. >> I really was. >> Yeah. I think I think you have trouble. accepting that you're so successful. >> Please, I'm you know, I'm working my. way, keep my head down, >> and doing the best I can. That's all I'm. doing. >> I know. But when will you relax and know. that near enough? >> That's not going to happen. >> And that's sad.

>> Not in your lifetime. >> And that's why I stopped rooting for. you. >> Okay. >> Because you're a lost cause. You're a. lost cause, my friend. [laughter]. >> Uh and um. >> you do sit-ups? >> I do, actually. I do sit-ups. Yeah. Are. you will you be chasing the six-pack. forever? >> Cuz I know I am. >> I would like to have it once. I'd like. to have a six-pack. >> I had it once for like five minutes. [laughter]. >> I had a one I have a oneack and then it. turned out it was a it was an inflated. bubose. [laughter]. It was a postulating boo. >> Inflamed liver.

>> Yeah. Um do you have you ever had the. perfectly sculpted body and long before. I met you? >> Oh god, I got pictures. [laughter]. >> Do you ser did you were in I mean you. were a physical specimen one day, weren't you? Can I show you a picture? >> I know you've done this. You ask a lot. of people this. I asked people. >> I have another painting. >> I asked people, "Do you root for me?". And you ask people, "Do you want to see. a picture?" [laughter]. >> And it's never gone well for either one. of us. >> You asked me if I had a picture. >> Yeah. Oh, okay. Let's see your picture. >> It's in my phone. I got a lot of. pictures. >> Okay.

>> They're all of you and then one of me. >> All right. [laughter]. Good. >> Isn't it funny like when you have a cell. phone, you know, before? >> You got me that time. You want to see a. picture? Yes, I do. I don't have one. [laughter] Good one. You've seen this is. Kevin Nean's act right now. Hey. everybody, want to see something cool? Yes. Part one and that's our show. Prove. >> you wrong. >> What are you doing? >> I got an 8 by10 on here if you want to. see that. >> I do. >> This is going to just take too long, man. You just go on go on um Abbercomi. and Fitch. You'll see me on the wall. over there. [laughter].

It's just too It's too long. It'll take. too long. I'll send it to you. What's. your Give me your email. >> Sure. >> What's your What's your fan only uh. site? [laughter]. root for me atgmail.net. [laughter]. Um, what's the plan, Kevin? You and I have. both enjoyed just. >> We've had a good run. >> We've had a good run. >> We've had a great run. >> And what do we do now? Uh, we're, you. know, there's a lot of young comics out. there, a lot of young people out there,

uh, coming up with great stuff. Uh, is. it time for us to fade away? What do you. think the plan is now? Well, time now to fade away. No, no. This is when you try even harder. You. pull out the big guns now. >> Yeah. Okay. >> Um, but you're right. There are a lot of. young comics out there and it's uh. [laughter]. >> You okay? What is wrong with you? >> It's hard to uh you know, you know, you. just do what you do. You know, I've been. doing what I do for a long time. I've. been doing what you do, but nothing. happens. [laughter].

Do. >> you know what I'm saying? Uh. >> why do you keep covering up your mouth? Is that like a What are you doing? >> It's because you're covering up your. mouth a lot today. >> Trying to save you embarrassment. >> Okay. [laughter]. >> Yeah. Um, [clears throat]. no. I just I like what I'm doing. And. you know, I've gotten that. >> crazy sound he just made. Did you hear. that? >> Just like the sneeze. [clears throat]. >> What's going on here, buddy? >> I see why you need a friend. [laughter]. >> Just thinking, >> I um I like what I do. I'm happy with. it. I'm not chasing it anymore. Um, I uh.

I think I'm pretty good. You know, I'm. not pulling punches with myself. >> Have you had a few drinks? [laughter]. You just I think I'm pretty good. I. think I'm pretty good. >> It just You looked like you were like. four drinks in. I think I'm pretty good. You're great. One of the great. >> on the sidewalk. You can make fun of me. >> You're one of the great You are one of. the greats. How many are you are the. hundreds? >> Thousands. >> Um, you are among hundreds of thousands. of greats. No, you are a singular. talent. [clears throat] You don't.

>> What's that funny noise you just made? [laughter]. >> Sorry. I'm trying to say something I. don't believe and it's having it's. getting stuck in my throat. >> Like a motorcycle. >> I'm trying to say something that I. [laughter] don't have conviction about. >> You don't do political comedy. You don't. lean on the culture. You just get up. there and you talk. You have fantastic, brilliant jokes. Uh you're one of my. favorite humorists of all time. You. really are. You're great and you're very.

I I believe that and I believe that you. are. >> um a unique voice and you've never. compromised, you know. I mean, occasionally in some advertisement or. something, but in your work, in your. standup, you've never compromised. And I. think that's rare, very rare. And I have. great respect for you. >> Appreciate that. >> Yeah. >> Now, let me tell you a joke I just. wrote. >> Okay. [snorts]. >> This is where I think it might be. getting a little hacky. >> Okay. >> I was in Phoenix. Mhm. >> Last week I flown in. I got there. It.

was a long time to get there because of. the cancellation stuff. And I'm going. into my hotel room and I'm starving and. I'm exhausted [clears throat] and I see. the safe. I thought it was a microwave. I thought, "Oh, good. A microwave." So, I put a frozen Mac in there. I locked it. up for 6 to 8 minutes. [laughter]. >> You just thought of that. >> No, I thought about it before and I've. honed it down. [laughter]. >> So, you thought of it for when did you. think of it? How long ago? >> Like 5 days ago. [clears throat]. >> Okay. >> I haven't stopped working on it. I.

finally fine tuned it. >> Yeah. >> Let me say it again cuz you weren't. paying attention. [laughter]. >> So I was really exhausted and I was. hungry and I come into the hotel room. and I noticed there's a safe off to my. peripheral vision. >> and I go, "Oh, good." So I um I locked. up a frozen mac and cheese in there for. 6 to 8 minutes [laughter]. >> and I left it in there. Mhm. >> And so the next people came in, the. woman put her necklace in the safe into.

the frozen mac and cheese. [laughter]. >> Period. [laughter]. >> This is a new thing you're on to. Period. And then the lets the audience. know. [laughter] You let the audience. know that the joke has been told. >> It's instead of and seen. >> And seen period. [laughter]. >> I I like it. I like it. [laughter]. >> Let's look at the picture again. Do you.

um do you crack yourself up a lot when. you think of these things? >> I find myself pretty funny. >> Does your wife think you're funny? >> Yes. >> People um It's so condescending, but. people are always saying if Liza laughs. at anything I say, they act amazed. >> But how do you reciprocate with what she. does? What what what are you what is she. missing from you? >> [laughter]. >> I don't know. I haven't thought about. that. That's a really. >> Maybe you should think about other. people besides yourself. [laughter].

>> Oh, that's a really good That's a good. point. >> But I mean, you love her for a lot of. things. >> No, >> but you don't show it. >> Again, it comes back to you being too. insensitive to show your feelings. >> Let me finish. Let me finish. I think. Goldber's right. [laughter] Did you hear. what you just said? When did you just. said he said that on my hike? >> Yeah, he said hiking with Kevin. Yeah, he said it. And did you hear what he. just said? >> Oh, fourth plug. >> That was the last one. YOU SAID FOUR.

THAT'S THE FOURTH PLUG. >> YEAH, YOU SAID I had a four. >> Yeah, I didn't think you'd get there. That's incredible. >> Oh, I'm going to get the six before I. leave. >> Okay. [laughter] Did you see? But he. just breathed out and you you have so. much venom in you. It comes out. But. you're a lovely man. I'm going to say. that. You're a lovely guy and I think. you've got a big heart. But right, there's little there's little razor. blades in there. Bill Burr is right. You've got these little tiny razors. >> He didn't say that to you. He said that. on my hike. >> I know. He said it on the hike. Yeah, >> but I was baiting him. >> What do you mean? >> I was baiting him to to kind of I was.

pushing his buttons to try to get some. kind of a. >> Bill Irish guy from Boston out into the. Boston. >> You didn't need to You didn't need to. bait him. >> He's not from Boston. He's told that. many times. He's from the suburbs. Yes. And he got angry cuz I kept saying he's. from Boston. I always think that means Boston area. Don't you think that's fair? >> That's what I said. >> Wow. Matt wants no part of this podcast. today. [laughter]. >> Just. projecting on each other. Have you. noticed? And we talked about this last.

time. Like you're accusing him of those. things that you might as well be. pointing in a mirror. And same thing you. guys are. >> Exactly. Exactly. >> Because if I was pointing at a mirror, I'd be pointing at myself. [laughter]. >> That's why you're so angry at me cuz you. see. >> So you're saying I'm calling him out on. things that are all me. >> Yeah. >> They're little razor blades in what I. say. >> and vice versa. >> Yes. >> Yeah. So, we're kind of the same guy and. that's why these are so weird. >> That's what he's getting to with the. magnets. You're the same magnet, but. you're polar opposite. >> Yes. This is really good. Put it out. I'll be back in about an hour. >> You know what? You we we are Yes. That.

is why these are so weird. these. and and fantastic. slashd disturbing is that it's two of. the same people and we. >> it's kind of fight clubby where you may. not know the other one doesn't exist. You know what I mean? >> Yes. >> You you know what I mean? You don't. [clears throat]. >> No. >> Well, okay. >> I'm confused. >> Confused by that movie. >> I think that if we let our guards down. and open ourselves to each other, we'll. find out that we're really not worth.

much as a [laughter] person. You know. what I mean? Seriously, it's just and. that's why we keep that wall up because. we don't want to know. >> We don't want to accept that truth. >> That's true. You are me and I am you. And I've told you this a million times. >> I saw those words come out of Paul. McCartney's mouth. [laughter]. >> You got us back there, didn't you? Would you like to do a plug for Sir. Paul? >> What are you [laughter] thinking about. right now? What do you have to do later. today? >> No, I was just thinking about how this. is kind of revvelatory that we are the.

same person. >> Yeah. And I I told you this a million. times, but it bears repeating. When I. met with Lauren for the first time to. maybe get a job at SNL, he asked me uh. who was my favorite cast member, and you. were pretty new, but I had seen you do. some things on Update. And I said, I. like Kevin Nean. And um Lauren kind of. made a face like, okay, want another. shot at that question? [laughter]. No, he loved you too. He loved you, too.

I'm kidding. But my point, >> if I have to hear that story one more. time, it's going to drive me crazy. [laughter]. >> But. >> I get it. >> But. but my point is I think I was some guy. on my couch in late 1987 in my early 20s. looking at someone on TV and I think I. saw something that was in me and then I. that's why I liked you and now uh you. and I are both sick in the exact same. way. It's fascinating. You guys both.

want each other to root for yourselves. >> Yes. I want And you know what? That's. because I want to root for me. >> Yeah. Exactly. >> This is fascinating. We're through the. looking glass. This is incredible. I. want to I want you to root for me cuz I. want to root for me instead of hating. me. And that's why you can't finish a. sentence with me and all of your, you. know, Okay. It's what spam? Have you had. spam lately? [laughter]. We're not completely alike. [laughter].

>> There are some crucial differences. >> A little hole in my theory just now. I. think. >> I agree with you. >> I had spam uh summer camp. [laughter] At. summer camp, they used to cut off slices. of ham and put it in a skillet when I. was up there in the woods in New. Hampshire and fry it up. And I. remembered looking at the spam cooking. and then looking at my red freckled arm. and thinking, "Those look the same.". [laughter]. >> Seriously, that's a real memory. Did they put brown. sugar in it? Because that helps with. anything. My father used to cook. everything with brown sugar. Spam,

bacon. >> It's amazing. I thought I had just. cracked this elemental thing. [laughter]. If you had been in the room with. Einstein when he was sitting there at. the patent office and he said, "Wait a. minute. Maybe E= MC² and maybe. everything is relative and the speed of. light." You would have cut him off. You. would have cut him off [laughter] and. said, "Do you really think a bedet. works?". They'd be like, "Huh? A bedet like a. Japanese toilet. Do you think those. really work? [laughter] I mean, isn't. the toilet doing most of the work? Aren't we supposed to do some of the.

work? >> What did I say? Did I say equals? Wait, what was it? I forget now. >> What about spam? You ever spam? >> Ever spam? Did it look like you're on. it? >> No, cuz whenever we go on a hike. together and we're doing my little hike. on YouTube, hiking with Kevin, you are. always like. so like this is all so ridiculous. This. whole notion of hiking and talking to. somebody and the drone, it's just what. am I doing here? Okay, let's go. >> When we did when I did the second hiking. with Kevin, you had this drone. You de. you devoted so much time to getting.

these drone shots that are the most. unimpressive drone shots you'll ever. see. They're taken from ladder height. [laughter] If we had brought a ladder, we would get at the same shot. And you. kept having this thing go up. I think. you have separation anxiety from your. drone. You wanted it only to be like 2. feet away from us at all times. And you. spent forever around with the. drone and [laughter]. and then packing it up and putting it. back in its little backpack. And you. would [laughter] go along and then you'd. release it again, but not too high. Just.

up to here. And you. >> Bill Burr loved the drone. >> Uhhuh. >> He loved the drone. >> Well, he's a suburban dad about the. drone. >> Yeah. You know, >> um but yeah, but you you really found it. ridiculous. And yet you never say no to. me. >> No, I don't. And I do love you. You know. why? Because I do love you. >> And I do feel bad. >> and I do love myself then. [laughter]. >> I do feel badly uh sometimes asking you. for things. >> No, you don't. >> I do because I'm thinking when is he. going to say no? When is he going to say. no? >> I I'm I am a sucker for this guy. I'll.

do anything that you. >> really cuz I got a couple of uh ask for. Yeah. >> Um Kevin.com. No, I'm not going to I'm. not going to do that. I'm not going to. be one of those people who just plugs. things for for the rest of this thing. Let's just talk about what. >> time you were on my show and we were. having a what I thought was a real. conversation [laughter]. >> and then I asked you about your health. and you started to talk about yeah well. I had a. and I'm like oh that's really rough and. you say yeah yeah yeah and this is on. the talk show and then you said yeah but. you know so you got to you know maybe.

sure that you get the medicine and just. and then you looked into camera away. from me and said just uh check with your. doctor make sure it's the right medicine. for you [laughter] and I felt this chill. go through my spine and He went, "Okay, uh, Kevin Yo and everybody, band plays.". I said, "What the hell was that?" And. you went, "Well, if I don't say that. part, I don't get paid." AND I WENT, "WHAT? [laughter]. >> WHAT? YOU DID A COMMERCIAL and you. worked it into OUR CONVERSATION. I WAS I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR DEAL. I. WAS ASKING YOU ABOUT YOUR HEALTH." AND.

THEN you look into a camera and say, "Just make sure it's the right. medication for you.". >> No, I said check with your doctor first. to make sure it's the right medication. for you. >> I'm sorry I butchered. Well, I said. >> I worked on that line for a long time. [laughter]. So here's the thing. >> It was such a weird sad moment for me. I. don't even know. You're going to at the. end of this you're going to look to. camera and say just if you lack. sincerity just make sure you take. sincerity. >> Yeah. The pharma company said you know. in your contract you have to do one late. night talk show. Any kind of talk show. >> You never told me this. You could have. said something.

>> That's none of your business. [laughter]. >> YOU WERE A GUEST ON MY SHOW. YOU'RE A. FRIEND OF MINE. >> I'M the guest. You shouldn't say by the. end I'm going to do this thing for a. pharmaceutical company. I would have. helped you out. I would have said like, "Wow, you look much better. What's ch. different in your life?" Well, now I'm. on Shaba. >> Do you know why I didn't? Because I knew. you could handle it. I knew you could. take care of yourself. It was creepy. It. was creepy. That's creepy. It was a. betrayal. >> People loved it. They loved that. information. >> This audience did stand and cheer. [laughter] And they went, "We will check.

with our doctor to make sure it's the. right medication for us." [laughter]. >> They did. I'll never forget that. They. did. >> And they said, "Check with doctor. Check. with doctor." And they lifted you up on. their shoulders and they took you out. Check with doctor. Check with doctor. Check with doctor. Check with doctor. >> Uh, made a lot of money from that. >> Okay, [laughter] great. >> No thanks to you. >> Yeah, little heads up next time. >> Okay. [laughter]. >> Sorry about that. >> I'm going to wrap this up. >> because you're a terrible person, but.

and I'm talking to myself now, not to. you. >> Um, >> do you want to recap anything? >> Yeah. Uh, you screwed me over with. McCartney. You completely screwed me. over on the talk show when you did an ad. for some AIB medication without telling. me first and it was weird and a chill. went up my spine. Um, and you always. have me back. >> I have a suspicion that you're not going. to give me that painting, that you're. going to take it and sell it [laughter]. on uh screw friend.net. >> kevin neonhart.com. Uh,

no. Um, you're right. That was a really. really uh disgusting and self [snorts]. >> promotional. >> promotional thing. >> Um but you know what it made my life. better and I know you're rooting for me. for my life to be better [laughter]. >> right. I mean we can't disclaim that. >> Um but yeah I mean I think the major. thing that um well I don't want to I. don't want to recap all the plugs I did. >> No, you don't need to. >> But you do have to see my special. >> I think you're going to like it.

>> And I will and I'll see it clearly cuz. I'm using a new medication. [laughter]. It's called Zaba. Um, [laughter] I care about you. I think. you're one of the greats. One of uh. >> some other greats. >> We're not going to get into that. Um, >> next time I come, can we please just. talk like we're normal people? >> Not going to happen. >> Kevin Nean, >> because I'm I'm getting to the point now. where wrapping it up. >> I really can't.

have a conversation with you and learn. anything about you. It's just like total. darts in the eyes. >> Thanks for being here, Kevin. Thanks for. being here. >> Thank you for having me. I really. appreciate I appreciate. >> I appreciate anytime I'm I am able to be. on your show late night talk show or. this. >> or the or the Oscars. [laughter]. >> Good having you here. Thank you, Kevin. >> Good to be here. >> You take care. [music].

Earlier today, we started a conversation. which I am personally very interested. in. Uh I brought up that. >> I honestly don't know if I have a skill. that's marketable outside of whatever it. is I do. And so what would happen if I. was turned out on the street? And I. think about this sometimes and we. started to talk about it and I think you. guys think about it too, especially you, Sona, because you're always just hanging.

on to this job by thread. Yeah. >> So, listen, I I have great admiration. for you, but I'm just wondering what. would you do? Seriously, let's be. honest. >> I know what I would do cuz I think about. this. >> I would work at Costco. >> Why is everyone laughing? Hold on. Hold. the. >> I'm listening. I'm not laughing. >> Costco's one of my favorite places in. the whole world. I love going there. And. everyone who works there is kind of cool. and all, you know, you like check things. and you have to put it in the carts the. right way and there's no bagging and you.

do the BB beeps and everyone's happy. Most of the people there are happy cuz. they're getting like a lot of stuff for. a good deal. Yeah. >> So, I would and I think that they it's a. good company. They have good benefits. I've seriously looked at this. >> You thought about it. Okay. So, and I'm. not joking about this at all. Um I know. that the customers are very happy. You. get the sense that the people who work. at Costco are really happy. No, I think. they're well taken care of. I really. think that the corporate structure there. is. >> Bla's got something. Let's go, Bla. >> Uh I was just going to say that Costco. is known for having uh great benefits.

for their employees, like health. benefits and stuff. Like it's like a. well-known thing. Thank you. >> I could do it, too. >> I No, and the thing is I know you could. I know you could. I think there'd be. >> I think there'd be a couple of weeks. early on where you'd be saying, "I don't. get it. Where's the free booze? When. When do I When do I get to stay with my. boss in a fivestar hotel?" and um make. poo poo and butt jokes. When do I I. mean, you know what I mean? >> I don't think they make poo poo and butt. jokes at Costco. I've made jokes.

>> I think they do. And I think they do. them in bulk. >> OKAY. [laughter]. Um. >> I have to say in my defense, I've made. >> Good one. Hey, Eduardo. Good one. >> And mad respect for Eduardo. >> I've made poo peep butt jokes at every. job I've ever worked. So, I bring people. down to my level. Even when you worked. at that uh ear IBS clinic. [laughter]. >> I'm here for my IBS. [laughter]. Why? Please stop it. Stop it. [laughter].

I just came here to leave a sample for. the doctor. Poo peep sample. There's poo poo in. there. >> Yeah, of course. It's funny. It's funny. >> And then you chase them out to the. parking lot with their sample. [laughter] Poo peep. Poo peep. >> Yeah. >> Um, listen. Uh, I think you would do. fine at Costco. I do think there'd be a. period of adjustment. Hey, where are the. famous people I get to meet? Yes. All. that kind of stuff. >> Yeah, exactly. I Is that not part of it? >> Is that not part of the job? >> That's cool. >> Do I get to fly in a class higher than.

economy? Like when I used to use your. credit card and buy myself tickets? >> No. All that stuff is gone. Gone. Gone. >> Okay. Well, that's So I I I think I need. to re rethink it [laughter]. >> and rethink it. >> Rethink it. Yeah. >> No. No. I but I do think I I know you're. incredibly practical and you you're. completely self-made. No one ever. offered you anything and you made. yourself and so I know that you would do. okay. And now. >> the I. >> is it what you want to do or.

realistically have to do? You know what. I mean? >> I think it's um what I'm talking about. is you've got to put food on the table. You're going to have two kids. >> Um they're crying. Um, and these are. really young kids and I'm going to say. your wife cannot help in any way. You. need to make some money. >> I guess I would just go back to. teaching. I'd full-time teach. >> And what what was the subject? The. theater for for 25 years. >> I'm going to take that away from you and. say it can't be that performing arts.

>> Yeah, it can't be anything to do with. performing arts. It has to be something. practical, something then I I think I. would do like um. interior design consultation, but not. like decorating, but like remodeling. >> But you're good with woodwork and things. like that, aren't you? >> I I. >> could you could you be a contractor? I. couldn't be a contractor. No, I could be. a consultant. Like a design remodeling. consultant. You know what I mean? Like. that kind of thing. I just think in. desperate times you can't say, "Well, off to be a consultant.". >> I know. That's why I'm thinking what is. it that you guys tell me? You don't get.

benefits with consultant work either, right? >> I've never I have always had to manage. benefits on my own cuz I've always just. kind of worked gig style, you know. >> Yeah. >> Okay. Yeah. What seriously, what do you. think? I can't be anything to do with. >> and be honest. What could I do? >> I I'm going to I I was. >> Don't say teacher or anything. >> I know, but I was thinking the same. thing Gorl was, which is teacher, but I. also can I be serious for a sec? I think. you'd be a really great politician. maybe a local politician because you're. very likable, you're funny, and you're.

also very smart, and I think you're. charismatic, and I think you would, you. know, you'd be like, >> you'd be like, "Hey guys, I'm on the. city council." Um, and then you would, you're not easily corruptible. You'd be. one of the good ones. So, I think you'd. be a good politician. >> Yeah, I think so, too. >> But can you go out and get a job quickly. as a politician? >> That's the That's the tough thing with. this. >> That's why I'm thinking about I'm just. thinking about Oh, it's the depression. your business has completely gone away. Um, the robots have taken over. There's.

smoldering ruins. I got to go out. because I would just do construction. work. I would just go join a firm and. just help build houses or something. >> I guess I mean one thing I could do is. model. >> Oh, is that where this was heading all. along? >> No, I just thought of it. No, no, that's. not where this is heading. >> You planted this whole thing. >> NO, NO, I'M NOT. I'M NOT. I just thought. of it this moment. But I am. >> Wait, why do you say no way? I have very. sharp cheekbones. >> You have no ass. Um, you're incredibly.

>> You're the only one who is looking at. male models in a catalog who were. showing you like glasses and saying, "Where's their ass? I don't see their. ass." Also, models are not supposed to. have huge asses because they're supposed. to like the clothes. >> And more from Bla, by the way, and Blair. >> Long legs. Long legs. >> I have very long legs walking down the. runway. >> Can you walk down a Can you do a Can you. do a runway walk? They do like a funny. runway walk. >> Yeah, but that's not what you're. supposed to do. You can't You can't be. serious. >> I would take the attention off the.

clothes. >> If there's a camera pointed at you and. they say, "Give us a smoldering look. Can you do it? Do it. Do it. Do it.". >> Okay. See, [laughter]. you can't do it. You can't do it. >> Hey, Conan, be sexy. Be sexy. Conan, be. sexy. [laughter]. >> Show us sexy. Give us a sexy look. You're a bad boy, CONAN. GIVE US A BATH. I'LL GET YOU [laughter] GET YOU REAL. GOOD IN THE BEDROOM. I'LL REALLY TELL. YOU SOMETHING. Be serious. >> Talk dirty. TALK DIRTY.

>> I'M GOING TO PUT JELLY ON my chest. [laughter]. >> Be sporty. Be sporty. Be sporty. Athletic. >> G. Is that sporty? IS THAT A SPORT? G. >> ALL RIGHT. NOW, YOUR YOUR model that. you're with, act like you want her. Like, act like you really just want her. You want to have sex with her. Oh god. Oh my god. [laughter]. >> A bow tie. >> Oh [screaming] no.

[laughter]. [laughter] Put on my glasses. Windshield. wipers. Steam. [screaming]. Hair spins around. [laughter] Oh my god. >> So if you lose this job, you'll just be. institutionalized. I. >> Yes. >> I will be immediately institutionalized, but I'll make money cuz people will come. and study me. >> Yes. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> All right. We cracked it. We all know. where we're going. You're going to.

Costco. You're going to a local. construction site. >> I will be institutionalized. [laughter]. because I'm criminally insane.